Hundred percent.

All right, guys. Here at two bears, we are always, we want to get better, we want to learn, we want to grow, and we want to heal. And we thought, what better way to do all those things than to bring in an expert? So, sitting in with us today is the one and only Doctor Phil.

Appreciate it. Good to be here. Longtime fan, first time caller. Nice to see you guys. Live in the flesh. Gotten some accidental dick pics from Bert through airdrop on an airplane, which is how we met. I don't know if you remember that.

I do remember that. I was fucking wasted.

Yeah, you were. So was I. Walk by and I'll go machine. And they said, sit down, sir. You're in coach. And then he was up in first, and I sent a vodka soda up there, and you said, I have my own now. And I said, okay, humble brag.

Have you had it?

I haven't. And that was my next question, is, I don't drink in the day a lot unless I'm gonna eat my wife's pussy. But I would love to have a taste of pork pro shows, because I've heard nothing but good things.

How do you like it? Straight up, or do you want a mixer?

A little soda?

A little soda. Maybe a couple rocks.

You pass me that glass?

Sure, if you lower your voice. Stop yelling at me, Tom.

Sorry.

It's okay. Now, I know you guys have been friends for a long time, but is there something you need to make a friend? Like, do you need a connection? Do you need, like, a hobby that you both share?

You know, I think so.

I think so, too, Bert. What's the first thing you. If you could drop that louder, Tom, that'd be great. Was there a. Was there something you first saw in. There we go. Yep.

You break the fucking.

Okay.

God damn it.

I'm having. I'm having 4 July flashbacks. When we have barbecues at the Phil house, people get fucking cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Really? On you? Oh, yeah. We got. Well, first of all, on my wife's side of the family, there's always cousins that show up that I've never met. They're looking to kind of, you know, squeak some. Some pennies out of the. The Phil titty.

That's gonna be tough.

Well, you guys probably have that. People climbing up the tree asking for cash.

Oh, Tom does. Tom does. Tom definitely does.

How do you deal with that? Because you don't want to be rude.

Oh, no. Tom's rude.

Yeah. Okay.

Tom's rude.

Well, share. Let me in on that, because I'm too nice, you know? Yeah.

First of all, you have a lot more money than we have, so I think it's kind of a different.

How can you tell from the way I walked in? Or is it the way that my zipper is broken right now when I just peed in your bathroom? I had to pull my penis over my pants. True story. I don't lie.

Both of those are dead giveaways of your net worth.

Well, also, I throw hundreds at the store. People like to do ones. And I'm not a big strip club guy, per se, but, you know. Cause I talk to the girls. Cause they're people. You know, they're lower, bottom of the barrel people. Yeah. But they're, you know, they're looking to. Most of them have kids, you know, whether they tell you they do or they don't, they do. You can look into their eyes and be like, fifth grade. And they go, huh? And you go, that's how old, you know, Jacob is. He's in the fifth grade. And he's like, how'd you know? I go, well, you got a tattoo of him on your clit. And, you know, my fingers touching it. So I don't want to say. I'm a scientist.

I bet you'd be like, fucking. You'd be like a wolf going into those strip clubs.

Just going, my heyday, for sure.

One over there. That's daddy issues.

Yeah, you can tell. And look, we've all got issues. I talk about that in my book. We've got issues.

Oh, yeah.

So it's a perfect segue.

Bird, I thought, that's a Jesus. Yeah, well, we've got Jesus.

Well, we all know you can't read, but that's not your problem. It's our problem. We gotta figure that out together.

That's not soda water, Tom.

That's okay.

That's all right. That's the lemon lime. That's the most popular one.

Yeah. And I'm a big sprite guy.

Okay, good.

Spider seven.

Sorry, that's. There's no story there.

Let's go real quick. Spider seven up.

Would you like some or no?

Fuck, I just spilled it on my pants. Sorry, I got nervous. I am nervous. I'm a big fan of you guys, you know, arguably the. One of the best podcasts on the planet, you guys. I'm thankful that you guys joined forces, because separately, you're doing a lot of damage. It's true. All right, well, let's try to pour you a compliment instead of just suck down your booze.

Soft for heavy. Poor.

Heavy poor I'll tell you this, Bert.

I'm a sprague over seven up. But when God was a spokesperson for seven up, that got me hard.

Yeah.

Because I love that. Because I'm Godfrey Fresca. Can can suck my ass. That's.

Fresca is so fucking good. Okay, what about.

Okay, my number.

What about Faygo?

Would you call me? I thought this was a children's show. No, Faygo is not a drink, but it is a choice of living.

Yeah.

Do you like orange drink? Are you orange drink guy?

I love being orange crush.

Yeah.

I'm like a soda for breakfast guy.

Soda for breakfast.

Well, you know, I think that's what I said. Yeah, well, there's orange crush and then there's sunkissed.

Yeah.

But, you know, there's been ties to skin cancer with sunkissed.

Really?

Well, you can read about that in my book. We've got issues. Chapter five, soda and skin cancer. They're connected in more ways than one. But I think grape Sunkist is. I'll fuck with that. You know, what would you do for a Klondike bar? What wouldn't I do to a stranger for a grape sunkist to start the day, too? Yeah. Frosted flakes and a grape sun kiss.

Holy shit.

Try it out. I know this motherfucker will deep throat some Kool Aid, but try to try a purple sun kiss.

I. Buddy, I go, we had a. We had a.

Take your time sounded out.

Jack in the box.

There it is.

We had a jack in the box behind our house, and I would go get 32 ounce diet grape fantasy.

Yep.

And I remember one time, Ila said to me, hey, is your shit green? And I said, yeah. She goes, it's the fanta.

Yeah, Fanta.

Yeah.

It contributes to a poor discoloration of your fecal matter. I'm gonna take a sip real quick first. Hey, cheers to you guys.

Cheers.

Hopefully new homies, but I've been watching from afar, and I dig it. Cheers. You're gonna have some, too, Tommy. Yep. I love that. Here we go. That's fucking tasty.

Yeah.

Where's my. That's fucking tasty, Cam. Right here. I'm telling you this much. If you got a rainy day or even a sunny day, and you're looking to take it from five to ten, maybe that fat chick's going to be a little late coming over to your house. And you. You got more time to fluff the pillows on the futon for her to sleep on. So you want to, you know, fill up the downtime but fill up your heart and your soul. Well, grab a nice cup of porosos. You can mix it with just about anything except purple sun kiss. Save that for the morning, player. Bottoms up. Second time just as good.

It is the 9th. At the end of the night's perfect.

Yeah. Do you like shots of it better? Like if you're trying to tell the fans how to drink, you know, because they want to drink with you guys, Tom. Do they? Do they want to drink with you more than they do with bird? Because they know you're probably not getting as fucked up?

I think they think it's more of a rarity. Yes. So they get really excited when they drink.

Yeah.

Like, my fans will bring weed to the show.

Do they?

Yeah. And I don't, you know, I'm on a, you know, a decent amount of edibles right now, but I don't like to smoke in public because I got an image to uphold. But I do like, you know, if Snoop Dogg, if Joe Rogan wanted to smoke, you know, I'd smoke with Joe Rogan.

Yeah.

I'd eat, you know, I'd eat. I eat just about anything with Joe Rogan, you know.

Oh, he'll get you to eat anything.

Yeah, he does, right? I think there are certain people that coerce you. Oprah, when I first met Oprah, what was that? Like, bananas, you know? And don't cancel me. It's not say bananas because she's black. But I. But it was bananas is my new catchphrase. When I get excited.

When you get.

I go, banana Oprah.

Yeah, it's just. It was. But it's bonkers. Is another one.

I go, that's another new one.

Yep. But Oprah is one of those people that doesn't feel real.

Yeah.

You see her, it's like when you met Brad Pitt. I'm sure it was similar.

Yeah, that was. You can't believe your action.

Fucking believe it. You're like, is he as hot as they say? Dude, he was fucking gorgeous, right?

60.

No, he's not.

Yeah, he's 60. I met him, he was 58.

It's much more attractive. Jason Momoa, Aquaman or Brad Pitt.

How are you going to put me on this boy?

Also, so many Jason's. Isn't it funny that I went with Momoa? Cause I could have said Statham.

Yeah.

Or Jason Patrick is an actor.

Jason Patrick was gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

What was Jason Bateman. I'm still Bateman.

Still got it.

Okay, here's a fun game. Let's find an ugly jason. Because so far we've said three hot. Jason's.

Jason. Jason the fucking. How I met your mom.

Jason.

What about Jason? Jason, the serial killer from the Friday the 13th.

Still hot, though.

Tom.

Bad example.

Oh, shit.

Jason.

Jason Biggs from american pie.

He's good looking.

He's good looking person.

Very good looking.

That pie had no problem being penetrated by him.

No. Jason, what's the guy's name that showed his dick in. Okay, not more attractive now, but not that of attractive as a young.

If you put him up against, you know, Pitt or Bateman. Now, what did he say to you? Did he say something that, like, about, you know, your comedy that. That you put in the spank bank?

He said. He was like, there was a laker game on in the green room. And so we were just standing there. There was music on, and he was like, so is this what you do? And I go, what? He goes, like, to get ready for your show? I think he thought it was more like, you're getting ready for, like, a play.

Sure.

Like, are you? I was like, yeah, dude, we do.

Like, you gonna rehearse your big mirror, psycho?

This is show 175 of this. Yeah, we're good. And he was like, oh, okay. And then, cool. He introduced himself to everybody. Like, you would. I'm assuming you'd still say, I'm filled.

Everybody.

Even though everybody knows who you are. So he did that. And everybody was. Everybody was geeked. I mean, it's funny to be in a room with someone like that where you see everyone just kind of go like, hi. They're all so excited to meet him. So that was kind of fun. And then I was pretending to not be. I was like, yeah, cool, man. It's fun to. But then I also. You had asked me before, who do you ever nerd out on? I totally told him the story of when I was in middle school, and we would go to the movies all the time as a family, or, you know. And my sister picked the movie that week, which was river runs through it. Was it rivers through it?

Yeah. No, no, no. Legends of the legend.

Yeah.

Caveman.

Legends of the fall.

Yes.

No, no, that's.

No, no, that's.

That's vampire.

No, no.

Is thunder.

No.

Thunder. Eyes wide shut.

No.

Jerry Maguire. Four. No, I nailed Tom for a second. Yeah, I was saying another movie. That's incorrect.

But those are movies they're both in.

No, kid, it's not last samurai. Kidman's got long hair. They're in the fucking wilderness.

They're irish, and they get to this country. She's a whore. And he's a boxer.

He loves horse. No, he's a who.

He's a boxer. He's a fist fighter.

It's. It rhymes with legends of the fall. Or it's like, tom, I'm gonna fucking pour osos on your cockpit.

This show is sponsored by better help. We all carry around different stressors, big and small. When we keep them bottled up, it can start to affect us negatively. Therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and figure out how to work through whatever's weighing you down. I know for a fact I keep a list of the things that are weighing me down, and I bring that list in therapy, and often it's the smallest little thing. I'll give you a perfect example. Someone would drive. We had a one way street that we lived on, and people would drive the wrong way up it, and it would make me crazy. Crazy. I talked about in therapy, my therapist said to me, hey, can you stop them? And I said, no. And he goes, then you gotta. You gotta let it go. I was like, what am I gonna do, pull a paint gun out? Listen, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give betterhelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

Get it off your chest with betterhelp. Visit betterhelp.com bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp help.com bears. Did you ever play the game over under with your friends? You know, you think, I can eat that slice of pizza in under 30 seconds or. I know it'll take over a minute to do this two liter of soda if you have. Then you're gonna love Pix, the new fantasy game from DraftKings, an official partner of the NBA. Here's how you play during the NBA playoffs is super simple. First, download the DraftKings pick six app. Then pick between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat like rebounds, points, assists, and more. Track your picks and play against others for a shot to win huge cash prizes. And that's all there is to it. I'm telling you right now, if you played during the Lakers Denver game, you would have had a blast. I know I did. And for first time, pick six players. Check this out. New customers can play $5 and get 50 in pick six credits. Play pick six from DraftKings the new fantasy app that packs more fun in less time.

Download the new DraftKings Pick six app now and use code bears. New customers. Play $5 and get 50 and pick six credits. That's code bears only on draftkings. Pick six, the crown is yours.

One offer per new customer. Minimum $5 1st pick set to receive $50 in pick six credits, which are non withdrawable and valid for pick six. Use only. Expire after six months. Restrictions apply. Limited time offer. Gambling problem. Call 1800 gambler 18 and over in most eligible states, age varies by jurisdiction. Eligibility restrictions apply. Pick six not available in all states, including but not limited to Connecticut and New York. For up to date list of states, visit DknG Co. Pick six states. Void where prohibited. See terms at pick six dot draftkings.com.

One in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list. If that's you, make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babbel. Be a better you this year with Babbel, the science backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babbel's quick ten minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Pozono originare du e cappuccini con la te fruta, per favore. Yeah, that's perfect. Italian. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your babbel subscription, but only for our listeners@babbel.com.

Bears.

Get up to 60% off@babel.com. Bears spelled babbel.com bears. Rules and restrictions may apply.

What is it? Can we Google search? No, no, I'll google it.

I'll google it. Tom Cruise far and away. Far enough fucking way.

See?

Okay. No, that's not what we were fucking talking about.

So, okay, so you saw Legends of false.

Legends fucking has nothing to do with what I'm saying. So I tell him that we go to legends of the fall, and I was like, I don't want to see this fucking, right. You know, he was like the cute guy that all the chicks. I was like, I want to see your gay fucking movie.

Yep.

And that, like, whatever an hour into that movie, my older sister Maria leans over to me and she goes, are you crying? And I was like, no, you fucking bitch. And I was totally crying at his performance. And so I told him that I think he was. He was amused by it, but that was it. I mean, he was super nice. He stayed for the whole show, which is also a thing. Cause a lot of times celebrities like yourself, they go, they come to the show, and then you go, where are they? And they go, oh, they said they had a great time.

Oh, yeah.

He stayed for the whole show. Came back after the show.

Huge.

Could you facetime him right now?

Absolutely not.

Do you have his number? No.

Because you didn't want to ask for it or because you just go, this is cool. I don't need to be friends.

Yeah, I wasn't.

That's kind of how I am now. Once you get in your sixties, you know, Bert, you know this. You know where it's like you're. How old are you, Bert?

51. I just found out I was 51.

He just found out.

Just what do you mean by I.

Thought I was 52?

How do you forget who you are?

This isn't the first time this has happened. Yeah.

This is how you forget, by the way.

Yeah. Wait, so what? Is there a difference between 51 and 52?

Oh, 51 felt so much better.

Right?

Especially thinking you're 52.

Yeah. People say not to name drop, but Oprah said sixties, the new 30, you know, and then I think Jennifer Aniston even said 40 is the new 20. But then it's like, you know, it's not. But you feel good, but, you know, but this is why people are getting so many surgeries. Ozenpic. I don't support it, but I. I'm on it, you know, but I don't need it, but I abuse it. You know, I don't love it, but I can't stop. We're on teens.

We're on team testosterone.

Oh, me too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get a, I'll get an injection just because I'm bored, too. But I. Now, does that help for the muscles or is that just all bowflex?

This is all bow flex. This is push ups. I do a lot of prison workouts. I do prison burpees.

Have you been to jail?

No, never been arrested.

Well, I don't believe you.

I've been in.

I don't believe me either.

Yeah, you feel like a guy actually, you know what? You feel like a guy that get, that can charismatically persuade a cop to let you go. That's a big compliment. I did before you were famous.

I bet I persuaded a cop one time.

I know you did. Fucking just said that, Bert. But, yeah, tell the story, please.

Cops pulled. Pulled up to our college party at indian village, and. And I blocked them in with my car. I pulled my car up. I was drunk. I pulled my car up, and I blocked him as a joke. As a joke. And then the cop said, I'm gonna need you to move your car. And I said, I've been drinking. And he goes, what? I said, I just got a drink. And he goes, actually, I can test your blood right now and find out if you've been drinking before this. How about this? How about we take you to jail and we'll find out if you've been drinking? And I went, excuse me? And he goes, he goes, no, it's a funny thing. Let's get the cuffs out. Let's. And I go, hold on, I don't want to go to jail. And he said, no, I bet you don't. No one does. But you're going to jail tonight. You're going to learn a very valuable lesson, son. And I went, I'll move my car right now. I'm so sorry. And he went, why don't you go do that? And I got in the car with a drink in my hand, and I backed it up, and I went, I'm never fucking with the cops again.

Holy shit. So he let you go? Yeah, we tugged at his heartstrings. It was a big deal. Do you guys find in your life, and, Tommy, you can answer me first on this, that. That you find, like, you're getting more sensitive as you get older? Do you cry if your kids do something right? Your kids a bit older, but Tom, like. And both, you can answer this, I guess. Do you find, like, they do stuff and you go, God damn. Like, I didn't expect to be so emotional over that moment. Like, you just shit on the rug. But I'm. But I still love you, first of all. But, you know, I'm going to rub your face in it to teach you a lesson.

Sure, yes.

But also old school. Yeah. And I'm still. I'm not a big fan of spanking. I'm more like, shove your head into the door, you know?

Yeah.

Because it doesn't hurt as much. A spank can stay with you for days. You get smacked into a fucking. You know that corner, the doorstop part, you just fuck, you know, it's a quick impact, and then you're back to reality. You check your email.

Twelve minutes later, I body check my kids a lot. Cause I feel like it's a way to get out.

That was my next question. Yeah. And they're how old again?

Five and eight.

Yeah. That's prime age to get fucking.

You can fucking Wayne Gretzky into a fucking laundry machine.

Yeah.

I was at a bar in New York when I was younger.

This story get better?

It does.

All right.

And we were on coke, and there was a girl talking wild shit, and a guy put her over as the inspector, and the whole bar went crazy. It was fucking, like four in the morning. It's called Mary Lou's on 13th. And he put her over. Inspector. And it was like, fuck, yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. She'll never forget that. Oh, was that Mary Lou Reynolds in New York?

No.

Gymnast.

Fucking hero shit.

She had a bar.

She did not.

She did not. I'm sorry. That was my attempt at stand up comedy. What? Mary Lou Reed.

She had a bar. She had one here and then one here.

Yeah.

And she's swinging between them. That was my attention.

No, that's good. Yeah, stick to the stories. Yeah. Now, there is something to be said about drinking during the day that's more fun, arguably, than at night.

Yeah.

You know, why is that?

Everything's better during the day. Sex during the day is always better than sex at night.

I'll agree with that.

Blowjob during the day. Oh. Outshines a blowjob. How about this?

Blowjob during the day while she's driving. So it's roadhead from the person driving. Yeah, it's more dangerous.

That's very dangerous.

Oh, yeah, it's. And I'm into dangerous sex stuff, you know. Are you?

I don't think people would know that.

Well, they do know. If you read my book, we've got issues. Chapter nine is you got to, you know, take yourself out of your comfort zone and get a blowjob while she's driving.

Wow, that's a long chapter about.

That's a long title. But. But. But what I mean by that is, you know, when you're in your comfort zone for too long, I mean, you equate it to stand up. You guys, right? You go, oh, this joke maybe feels a little edgy. Cancel culture is an issue. But also, I think you guys rise above it. But I guess a road blowjob is. And I don't like to get them every day, but, you know, I usually call the shots on when it's happening.

You do?

You just tell her, well, she wants that from me. Cause I started off being a little bit passive, you know, and she'd have to wake me up and, you know, little finger. Little finger action. I never was a finger in the butt guy until. And stop me if this is too personal, by the way.

No, no.

But they. But I think that, you know, a thumb is the quickest way to get me to go. Oh, I guess it's time to get up, you know? But, but a couple fingers lets me know that it's my birthday.

Yeah. How about toys? You ever do toys up there?

Yeah, we've done toys.

Like sex toys?

Yeah. In your ass?

Yeah.

No, like slinkies. Do we ever play with a slinky down the stairs, like in the late eighties?

Bert, did you ever do a sling toy up the ass?

Nah, I tried. I tried with you.

You guys did some fun stuff.

We tried those butt plugs.

Yeah.

A butt plug is kind of like. It feels a little been there, done that. But also. Yeah, I don't know, you know, it's not as good as the real thing.

You'd be shocked how. How small a butt plug can't fit up your ass. Like, we had tiny butt plugs. And I, and I. It was honestly like trying to get into a club in New York in the fucking eighties. Like, it was. It. My asshole was like, no, no, no, no. Not with those shoes. No. And, and I was, and I was pushing, and I thought he had already had it in his ass. So I was like, I know I can get something my ass if he can get it in his ass.

And the point of a plug is. Well, that makes sense if I read it.

So that handle like a cork. Like a, like a cork on the end so you could pull it out easy and it didn't get lost in there.

Yeah, I don't know the real problem with those. They get lost.

You guys should now merch. You guys obviously got the Poroso. She got two bears, one k merch. Is that. Do you ever think about, do people hit you up with merch ideas? Like, hey, maybe make a bobblehead bot? Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. The. What are they called? The key foes? Fifo's. Me fos.

Fee foes. Imagine walking into a funko store. This guy. You guys got any Vickman Fifo dolls? Now, I did pull up some fun facts for you guys. Two one cave is the name of the podcast, and. And I wanted to see if you guys knew anything about the name of your show that the creature that it's why did you name it that?

First of all, I think we're two, like, pretty big, hairy gay guys.

Early men. Yeah.

We were fantasizing about what our life would be like if it was gay on. Just separately in your mom's house, like, back when red band used to produce it.

Yeah.

And we were talking about how fun it would be to be game. We kind of lost christina in the whole conversation, and she was like, none of this sounds good. Tom's like, I'd come on all your food. And I'd be like, I bet I'd like that.

Yeah.

And then I was like, I'd wrestle. Fuck you. And he'd be like, what? I go. I come home, and I'd be like, that does it got to the count of five, close my eyes, and you had to hide. Then I'd find you and hold you down and fuck you.

That feels like a lot of fun. I think most guys fantasize about who their guy would be if they were gay, right?

Yeah.

Mine would be Pitt or Tony Robbins, buddy. Bigger. I think I'm definitely a bottom. And Tony Robbins feels like, you know, huge. Yeah, he wakes you up. He'll just. Mike Tassen. You bite your ear. Alarm clock. Those hands are not even real.

Oh, and he puts his hand back in your head, and he's fucking you in the ass and pushes your face in the pillow. And he's got that reach where he's still upright, but his hands down, holding your head. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, that's enough of that, Bert. All right, so there's. There's a couple. So these are all true or false questions. Okay, cool facts about bears. True or false? You guys both answered at the end. We'll see. The winner will get a free copy of we've got issues available now where, you know, we've all got issues. And I want to get into what you guys are dealing with later in the program. Bears have thick, layered coats. True or false?

True.

True.

That's correct. Bears are big, strong, and can suck their own dicks.

That's true.

It's true.

Correct. Okay, two for two. There are eight bear species in the world.

False.

False.

No, it's true.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Can you name them? Um, polar, polar, black, brown.

Yep.

Panda.

Yep.

Um.

Berenstein.

Berenstein.

Grizzly.

Gummy chicago. Yeah, gummy.

You get. That's it.

I miss one or Ryan. Oh, Baron store.

There you go. Bears are allergic to jews. True or false?

That's very true.

You got it. Bears can walk on their hind legs. True. Yep. Bears have a high iq.

False. True. False.

True.

True.

Tom, did you answer?

I didn't answer.

Go ahead.

True.

It's right. Bears are only gay on vacation.

Not false.

It's true, Tommy.

True.

Yeah, you got it.

All right.

We're back on track, Todd. Score. Bears can't laugh at racist jokes, but they understand why they're funny.

True.

You got it. Baloo from the jungle book, Mama Bear from Goldilocks, and Dick butt kiss. Mary fuck kill. Those are three famous bears.

Wow. Well, what was the first one?

Baloo from the jungle Book.

And the second one?

Mama bear from Goldilocks and the three bears.

You fuck her?

I think so. She's probably the most into it.

Yeah. I think you have to marry blue.

Oh, you fuck kill blue.

I think you kill Blue because you married Dick Buckus. I think so. He's got money and security.

Be fun to listen to talk about football.

I think he kills. He kills you, though.

Why? Because he's.

He's Dick Buckus.

Yeah. Is he known for being an angry guy?

Yeah. Over fucking people up? Yeah, of course.

Dick Buckus.

Yeah.

I want to see him rage.

What a great. What a great name. But kiss.

Yeah.

Dick is your first name. Hit the lottery as far as. Cause. And people can't tease you in school.

Well, here's the thing. They probably did. They probably did tease you. That's how you became that savage.

You want to kiss you on your. On your butt. Dick.

He probably became who he was because of that name.

I think so.

Yeah.

Okay. So a lot of rage, teasing, and then he. Enough is enough.

Yeah.

I'm gonna take this out on some. On some running backs.

Yeah.

There's some names that you see that, like, especially football players, where you're like, that must have been tough. Like, they're like, anytime you see a guy named Gay or Dakota Fagg. Yeah, that one, too. Yeah.

We had a girl in my high school named Michelle Virgin. And then we had a girl named Audrey Klitgaard.

Really?

German? Yep. Audrey Kli. I don't even know what a clit was, but I was like, this isn't fair, Gard. And then we had a betch. Ho. Vietnamese. B e t c h o. That's. Everybody was like, what up, bitch?

There's.

Your momma's a bitch. Your daddy's a bitch. You're. No, your mama's a ho. Your daddy's a ho. Cause that was her last name. It was funny.

There's 90s. There's so many college and pro athletes with the last name gay. And I always think that they're at that level because of their last name, because there's no way you're escaping childhood. No, with the last name gay and not having it fire you up in some way.

Totally.

Like, there's countless ones.

I think so.

Or the name Ima. Like any girl. Any girl named Ima.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

My wife's great grandmother. No, no, my wife's grand, grand aunt. So her grandmother's sister was named Ima. And she came and sat, had breakfast with me and the girls, and they. Ila sat down and they said, have you met your aunt Ima? And Isla said, what's her last name? And Georgia goes, drag these nuts in your mouth.

I love your daughter. That's so funny. And, you know. Yeah. And that's par for the course. If your name is set up for. For punchlines, you got to go with it. You got to roll with the punches. You got to go with the flow. Do you guys find as you're out there and you're dealing with the. Do you enjoy the road life? Is it fun?

I love it.

I know. Yeah. You guys do different things on the road, right?

Yeah.

Oh, very drastically different.

But I think that's why.

Let's play a game. We'll say. I'll say something one of us does on the road, and you have to guess if it's Tom or Bert.

Okay, great.

Okay. Sit in silence in a green room that has a red light in it.

Feels like Peter, your assistant.

No, it's Tom.

Okay.

He doesn't do anything in his green room. He sits by himself with a red light on.

Like a sauna light, you know, just.

Like a red fucking light.

Like a laser pin?

No, like, we were in the whores houses in Amsterdam.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Haven't been there, Robin. I can't wink.

Game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier. Even if you don't buy tickets right away, prices on the game time app actually go down the closer it gets to show start time with killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price guarantee. Game time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. It's kind of sweet where you can just pull up an event, even last minute, and you can find great seats just by using game time. I've literally used this app, and it's amazing. Save up to 60% off buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, and more. You can save money with exclusive in app deals on select seats, or save even more when you choose a section and let game time choose the seats. Check out their all in pricing feature that shows the total upfront with no surprise fees at checkout. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with game time. Download the gametime app, create an account, and use code bears for dollar 20 off your first purchase terms. Apply again and redeem code bears B E A R S for $20 off.

Download game time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. Is your beer fridge feeling a little empty? DoorDash is your door to beer without the run. Whatever drink you're in the mood for, they've got you. Order your alcohol with DoorDash today and drink in the savings. Use code bears 24 to get 25% off, up to $15 value on a $35 minimum. Subtotal on your next alcohol order for eligible users only. I mean, there's like, sometimes you just don't want to leave. That's me. Once we're at a spot and we're hanging out, I just don't want to leave. And now you don't have to. The alcohol selection on Doordash is top shelf. Beer. Wine, mixers, mocktails, and more can be delivered straight to your door. Save up to 25%, up to dollar 15 value when you spend $35 or more with code bears 24. So whether you're grabbing drinks for an event or staying in for the night, Doordash is here to help you have a great evening. Any evening terms apply. Must be 21 or older to order alcohol drink responsibly. Delivery and promotions available only in select markets.

Yeah, Tom sits by himself. Why do you use a red light?

Why do you use a red light?

It's soothing. I hate the, you know, when you go into some of these rooms, the light is bad. It's big overhead fluorescent lights. I'm like, this is like a bad feeling. So I put the red lights and I just put music on, and I like to chill before the show.

I went to see a John Mayer concert once and went backstage, and he does a similar thing. Real cool, calm, lats down, Phil Collins blasting. There were some double stuf oreos. Not for him, but I love treats. And so I get it. It's a preparation for the chaos you're about to jump into.

And then which of us you think has 70 people in their green room.

Full fucking floodlights on, take shots with strangers because it's their birthday in six months? Probably this guy.

Yeah, I went into his green room before the show, and I was like, I mean, I got so anxious. I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

I walked into his room and I go, get in the fucking. My green room. There's too many people in there.

Sure.

My green room was fucking sick.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. I've been there. And then you'd watch people cheese.

You'd watch people go into Tom's grill. Jimmy Kimmel walked into Tom's green room, was like, oh, I'm sorry.

No, but they were like, it's fun. They're like, I needed to get away.

Sure.

And then he just kind of sitting there quietly.

Everyone's smoking weed, doing fucking shotgun and fucking seltzers.

Do you have to get out of there if it's too. Like, if Snoop Dogg walks in, let's say Snoop Dogg, Brad Pitt and shit. I don't know. Cat Williams and OJ pre dead walks in.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh, shit, maybe I got a spark one up. You know, the same way that you're, you know, generously having a cocktail with me because it's my first time.

Yeah.

Do you. Do you give in to peer pressure like that or you pretty sure I wouldn't post show.

I would.

Okay. You don't like to be buzz?

I don't like have any buzz going before us.

You want to be quick?

I just want. I don't want to feel like I'm second guessing a thought.

I love that.

No, I'll take one for the team.

Yeah.

Well, came backstage and we. And I don't normally drink before I go on stage. He was like, we'll do a shot. I was like, yeah. And I didn't even think about it. And I was like, fuck, yeah, let's do a shot.

Yeah, I could.

Yeah, you have to.

It's fucking Nate Ds.

Nate Diaz.

If somebody actually asks that pre show, I would probably give in to, like, depending on who it is. Yeah, I would probably give in.

Yeah. There's. There's times in my life, definitely my kids as they got older. And that's probably another thing, right? Like, as soon as you're two boys.

Yeah.

Soon as they're able to.

That's what we know so far, right.

There could be a. We've all had a past, right?

Sure.

My daughter's transition now. I'd be so fucking angry.

Yeah.

I wanted boys, but I don't want them now. I wanted them when you were younger.

Yeah.

Play baseball. Fucking throw the football.

Yeah. I was in Billings, Montana, once, and I got a call from a girl that said, it's me, Denise. It's yours. And then her and her friend started giggling and they hung up. But she had my number, so I knew that there was a chance it could be mine, but I just started using condoms, you know, recently. Oh, yeah. I know. It's better safe than sorry and all that bullshit, but, you know, I think, you know, menopause is. Look, you can. When we do it on, if you have a period and you can fucking. Who you guys voting for? I got another game I want to play.

Who's running?

Two of the same. You know who it is?

They're not going to. They're going to go with Biden.

I think it's going to be those guys again, which is weird, because, you know, I saw him eating an ice cream cone, a video of it, and he was blowing on it. He doesn't know how ice cream works. It's too hot. Trying to cool it down. I was like, this guy can't make choices, you know? And then he fell off a bike. America's funniest own video style.

Yeah.

Sucked. He just went away and he parkoured into the bushes. But. But then Trump, you know, is selling shoes that are more expensive than Jordan's. Yeah, you got a lot of balls.

You got balls.

$6,000.

Yeah. Not even Steve Kerr or Sasha vu would make shoes. Even Vladi devotes had some yugoslavian cigarette sandals, and they were like $15.

What a great poll that is. Vladivok was yugoslavian.

Yep.

But he's.

I have it. You don't think I have a globe, Bird? I got money, too, bitch. Now I want to play a game called Bird and Tom, where basically, I just see if you guys know this about each other, okay? Because I like best friends. I'm a big fan of that, and it's cool to see people that know each other for so long to keep it crunk, but. But keep it. But keep it doubt in, but keep it challenged. Right, you guys? It's tough to keep a working relationship and friend going this long. You guys have done it. By the way, I know your intern, Tanner, said your shirt was too tight, but I'm getting a half chub just staring at your left bicep.

Bert, the left one's my bad arm, too.

Is it weird to see him with that Poroso Barcelona? No, but I'm fucked up. But, Tom, what is it about Burt's muscles that's new but exciting?

I mean, all of it. It is new and exciting.

Muscles when you were bigger, right?

Yeah, but they were under a lot of muscles. I was stronger when I was fatter.

Yeah.

Mass moves. Mass, baby.

Mass moves. Mass. I learned that through Tommy.

Who is it?

Mass moves. Mass, you know?

Yeah. So muscle.

All those big, like, the power lifter guys, they all weigh like 300 plus pounds, right? Because you got to be huge to push that amount of weight. So he was. He's a strong dude. But now that we can see the muscles, it's very exciting.

Your fans like it, too. It's also cool to wear shirts that fit.

Yeah, I don't wear shirts.

That's. Oh, that's right.

It's my thing.

Was that a. Now, that's a confident move. The fans go nuts for it. Do you think they go more nuts for that or your material? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. We'll keep her out here, Burt.

I think. I think. I don't. I honestly don't think I do very well with the shirt on.

That's not true.

If I left my shirt on, they'd go like this the whole time. Oh, come on.

They judge what you're doing.

I think that. I think I know that one time I walked out forgetting to put a shirt on. Like, I was just shirtless backstage, and I started walking out on stage. It was like two shows, and I walked out shirtless. And they went, oh, they wanted to see. They wanted to see it come off. Yeah.

It's a cool move. Tom is there. Did you ever think, like, as you're coming up, you go, maybe I need something like that.

I thought pants down was a thing. For a while.

Tommy had. Hold on. There was a. There was a Tom phase. Not everyone knows about.

Please.

He was working on catchphrases.

Oh, my God. I'm a big catchphrase guy, so let's do this.

Here was the catch.

I forget. It was like, pow, pow or something. You deliver. You don't remember that? We were at the bray improv. You're like, I'm working on catchphrases.

What the fuck joke precedes a pow.

Okay, I'll do it. Okay, here we go. This guy.

I'll be on the crowd. Ready?

I just read an article about a guy who has a tiger in his apartment in Brooklyn. How do you get a tiger in Brooklyn? Pow, pow.

Hey, there's still time to bring it back. Some about a tiger and papa.

How do you get.

It?

Still good?

Yeah, it's almost like a Bart Simpson I carumba or OJ.

How long did I work on those for?

It was a while. I loved them in the back. Cause they just go like this.

Yeah.

Pow, pow, pow, pow.

Bang, bang, bang.

Bang.

Bang, bang, bang.

That was it. Bang, bang.

That was it.

Yeah.

That came off the tongue real smooth.

It did, right?

Bang, bang.

Yeah.

Now, would you do a little, you know, Patrick Swayze finger gun?

I mean, I definitely feel like finger guns are the way to go on that.

Remember the first guy that did that? There was a time, I think, eighties beach cops, which. I'm a big eighties beach cop guy.

This is great. Keep going.

I love the. I love the beach and I love the eighties. Combine them. Oh, man, I'll suck your dick right here. You know, but the guys that walk around going like this, there just was a level of confidence and swagger that you can't fake. Cause that's, on paper, a pretty fucking silly move, right? Anyone walks into a party going, hey.

Skylar, it feels so natural coming from you, like a doctor Phil. Just being like, bang, bang.

Sure. Mind if I can add that to the repertoire?

I mean, bang, bang.

Bang, bang.

Yeah.

I'll plug your twitter when I.

When you're doing a threesome. Just a little bang, bang.

Oh, yeah.

Bang, bang. Man, who was the first guy that came up with finger guns? When you think about it, it had to be post guns, obviously.

Yep. So when guns were cool.

And it must have been fucking hilarious the first time he did it.

Oh, yeah.

We're like, they're in a saloon in the wild west. And he's like, else. He goes later, and they're like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it.

Yeah, you can't. You can't do this. I think even in a school would be tough to do finger guns.

Yeah, you couldn't. We. There was, like.

As a PE teacher.

Wow. You're feeling it.

Yeah, that's. That's the poroso talking. I also had some Mac and cheese in the car, but there's. There's a. You can get the little craft Mac and the portable ones, the. The. On the go kraft Mac and cheese. It's a small. You know how Campbell soup used to do the drinkable soups?

Yeah.

Yeah. Most soups are drinkable. Technically.

You don't have to lie. Do you not remember when Campbell soup was. It was in a cup.

Isn't it always in a cup?

Can I talk to you for a second, Tom? It was in a drinkable. It was in a drinkable cup.

They're all drinkable. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I swear to God. Okay. The soup was in a. Like a. Like a. Not a cup. A beverage container. What do you usually eat soup with Tom, a spoon. Very good. So imagine not doing that and drinking it. Okay, so that's what Campbell's soup used to do.

Okay.

It was good. Remember that catchphrase, Charlie?

Yeah.

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang.

Yeah.

Chicken noodle soup.

Bang, bang.

So I would drink the soup, and so it was that. It was that. Yeah, but it was for the Mac and cheese. Well, with that attitude.

It was really rundown.

It was run down, yeah, but I'm not.

Do you like runny Mac and cheese?

I don't mind it. It's like burnt toast. I'll still eat it. It's not my favorite.

Oh, I like burnt toast better.

Yeah.

How burnt? I like when it's a little burnt. I don't know. It's the same thing as, like, having, like, when your wife comes in and she doesn't look that great. She goes, do I look good? And you go, you look beautiful in your head. You go, you have looked better.

Sure.

But you go, this is my burnt toast moment of having sex with her. And so I like burnt toast that way.

What? Yeah, that's probably. We could edit this out, but, yeah, I think that there is.

I want another drink.

Yeah, I'm having a really good time. Yeah, me too. Wait, what are other blasts?

What are other things you could do that are like guns but in different parts of the culture? Oh, there's like, a knife equivalent or a bomb equivalent.

Something about guns. Yeah, bomb. Well, there was the. Yeah, there was the. Well, there's the mic drop. But that's. I do that sometimes if you're dropping a truth bomb. Right. I used to do that on my show.

Ooh, let's do that.

Like, we had a young girl on the show, and she was smoking a lot of pot.

Mm hmm.

And she said it was. Cause her mom was doing drugs. And I said. And her mom goes, well, I don't think she sees me doing it. And I go, look at me, bitch. I didn't drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information. And that's. And then I took a commercial break. Cause that's good tv.

Yeah.

But I didn't want her to be feeding me bullshit when I ordered a salad. Does that make sense?

Makes total fucking sense.

You can laugh, Tom. It's all right.

98% of the way to get 2%.

Of the information you say on your kids. But I think that, you know, as you is, you get in someone's rearview mirror, who's that for? Obviously, that was a trick question.

I think he used his bat arm on that for.

How's your arm doing, Tom?

It's doing great. Still great.

It is.

It's really doing well. Yeah.

That's an insane thing to come back from. You guys have both had injuries, right?

I got mine on the set of a movie. Major motion picture on the set. What movie is a machine? Streamed number one on Netflix a month. Yeah.

Great movie.

There's a louded by critics.

So many things that were.

Is that what the right word allowed it? Louded, lauded, lauded. Yeah, and louded. The loud ones were the bad ones.

You've got an ability to say words that aren't real, that sound like they could be.

Okay. Yeah, I can do that.

That's a great skill, Mark.

Ham. Deference. I.

Nobody knows that one.

That's not real. You mean indifference or definite deference, like defer.

Oh, yeah. Defer.

Indeference.

Okay.

That's when you walk around with deference as your mode of operandi. Yep, I'm walking around with indifference.

What's the biggest word you know, Tom?

That I know.

Yep. That you use? Because I don't. I'm not a big fan of people using big words just to sound smart.

Yeah.

You know, it's like just fucking, you know, like bewildered. You know, I got a buddy that's always like, I'm so bewildered right now.

Okay, chicanery.

What does that mean?

I like to get a little chicanery.

What does that mean?

Little trickery.

Okay.

A little.

That's fun. Little kerfuffle.

Kerfuffle.

Oh, that's when everything's got fucked up. Yeah.

It's like a, it's like an insane, like, let's say Brad Pitt comes in. Yes, Tom, I fucking hated your fucking set.

Wow.

You go, Jesus Christ, Brad Pitt, you're fucking not like you are in the movies. I remember when I watched far and away and cried. And here I am. Or no, what was legends far away.

Quick this time.

I remember when I cried your films. And now I'm crying at the way you're treating me.

Yeah. Yeah, that's.

We're about to get in a kerfuffle. Oh, I thought it's like a scuffle, but with Steve Kerr, I guess I use incredulous.

Are using credulous.

I think you're wrong about what? I think. Kerfuffle isn't a, isn't a scuffle.

Well, let's look it up, fellas.

Kerfuffle is when you get confused and you don't know what to do and all chaos has ensued.

Well, that's kind of me right now. There it is. Look at that. A commotion or fuss, especially when caused by conflicting views.

Yeah.

There was a kerfuffle over the chairmanship. Right. So. So you and you and pit get into it.

Right.

You get into the cockpit. Right. Try to sort things out. That's a kerfuffle.

You use kerfuffle.

I try to, but it's one of those words that, again, causes confusion, like we're doing right now.

There's a bit of a kerfuffle happening because of it, I think so, yeah.

I'm also trying to coin new. New words. Have you ever submitted a new word to the. To Webster's?

Never.

No. But let's come up with new words right now.

It's a fun. It's a fun time. Well, I like to come up with new, like, racist slang.

Wow.

Wait. Racist slang. Okay.

Or pejorative terms or.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yep.

Okay. I'm into it.

This feels like a bad game.

No, no. Start.

Okay.

Start with someone innocuous. Like, innocuous. Like.

That's a great word.

Yeah.

That rem. That makes me think of binoculars and then Oculus, which. I'm a big 3d guy.

You are. You.

Yeah. I love. I love nothing more than to smoke a blunt, lie in bed, ignore my wife, put on goggles, and go to the prehistoric age and fight crime.

That's.

Oh, you can. You can select. You can unlock players like you can in NBA two k. So I'll bring Vladi devouts in with me, and we'll go find some fucking t rex, you know? Yeah. And just have ourselves a good time.

He smokes like a chimney.

Oh. He is the most yugoslavian guy. It's like Bobby Lee. You're like, he's really through.

He's really serbian.

Who is Vladivok. Oh, Vladivoc.

Vladivok is. Is a serb nationalist.

Yep.

He's a big fan of.

Gabriel Precipit. Yep.

Gabriel. Gabriel Pritzip?

Yep.

You know who that is? Oh, he changed the world. He changed the fucking world. He. That guy changed 19 years old, and he changed the world. As we noted, he is the reason that our grandfathers died. He is the reason the Holocaust happened. He is the reason there is.

He is.

That guy changed the fucking world.

Shit.

You guys seen Oppenheimer?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I just found out that was a true story.

Oppenheimer?

Yeah.

I thought we were still talking about far and away.

Did you like Oppenheimer?

I did. I'm a big killian Murphy fan.

Yeah.

He just scares me. Right.

He does.

Every time he's acting, he's just like, looks like he's just, you know, just found out that, you know, Dolly part lip syncs or something, or.

Yeah.

Remember how Michelle Tanner was played by two people?

Dolly part lip sync.

Oop. We'll be right back. Honest bomb. See, that's what I would do on the show. I go, honest bomb. That's what I was trying to tell you. The mom goes, I don't have a weed problem. And I go, you do? This is what your daughter's picking up on. Are you. Are you picking up on what I'm putting down? And then I go, I think you need to put down the joint and pick up the responsibility. And then I went, honest bomb. And we had a sound effect, you know?

Oh, doing honest bomb to me.

Bert.

Yeah.

So I've seen on your tour bus, there's a lot of alcohol, but there's also a lot of fun. And they can go hand in hand. And sometimes someone will be telling a story and you'll be locked in, but then your eyes will just droop right down to Facebook. Honest bomb.

Wow.

What is it about Facebook that sucks in, but also, look, devil's advocate, maybe sometimes the person telling that story sucks at stories.

Yeah.

So I'm going to go ahead and make it half and half as far as who is doing the heavy lifting? If you. If you hear, if you're on the receiving end of a bad story, there ain't nothing worse, Tom. Yeah, thanks, Tom. Bert.

I agree 100%.

What's the last shitty story you've heard where you're like, I don't think I want to be friends with this person anymore.

I got one. I got a good one. We were at korean barbecue, and this guy was telling a story where clearly he grew up with more money than anyone we've ever met, but he was trying to pretend that he hadn't so he could be relatable?

Oh, I love this guy already.

He goes, I'll tell you his name. He's fucking awesome.

Cool.

But he goes, when we were growing up, we had this person who, you know, lived with us and worked in conjunction with us and was like. And I said, hold on. Do you have a maid? And he goes, no, no. I go, what color was she? He goes, she was black. And I went, you had a fucking maid? And he goes, no, well, she, like, she was more than that. And I go, hold on. How much money did you have? And he was like, this isn't the story. And I wouldn't let him tell a story. Cause I was like, you're trying to paint around the fact that you had maids growing up and then his wife's like, he grew up with horses. And I went, what the fuck? And then I ruined his story. It was a great story. We never even heard the story. I just was like, I loved that he was dancing around the fact that he had money growing up, and then he thought that would bother us. I was like, fucking tell me you're rich. I don't give a fuck.

I love rich people stories.

They're so much more fun.

There's so much more for you. Ever heard George Clooney tell a poor story? When I was Kentucky, struggling in Kentucky before grazing anatomy or fuck it, I don't know.

Facts of life fact.

He was on facts alive.

He was on facts life. And he was beautiful.

He's always been beautiful.

He's always been beautiful.

When he got on er, that's that for me, that, that, you know, I was like, er, you mean erect, you know?

Right.

St. Elmo was it. St. Elmo's was the one Mark Harmon was on.

Who's Mark Harmon?

The actor.

Just kidding.

Okay, so a game I like to.

Play called what if I didn't know who that was in high school is. I'd say, like, if I said a joke that bombed in front of. There was a girl in my class named Siobhan, right? White girl, but. But always had a little, like she did something. When she started to develop boobs, breast, titties, whatever you call them. She, she would wear a word the first time.

Breast idies.

You make my mustache fall off, Bert. She would put a strap of the bra down her titties, and we would call it splitting the difference. But it was. She had just started to get boobs. And it was a. It was a tactical move. Some girls knew what they were doing. She was like, that strap would just go right down the middle and it would just highlight them even more. So anyway, Siobhan. I'm painting a picture, Siobhan. I'd say something funny, like. Or I'd say a joke. If somebody was like, you know, oh, I didn't. I was late to class and I was like, yeah, because you were, you know, trying to suck somebody's foot or, you know, I don't know, bang, bang, you know, and then, and then nobody would laugh. And then I'd go, oh, you haven't seen that? And they go, what? I go, it's an Al Pacino movie. And they go, oh. And I go. You gotta get out more, Siobhan. So I basically act like it was a line movie. You can have it.

Yeah, try it.

Please.

Okay. Hey.

Yeah.

It's tough.

Yeah, well, I mean, I was.

So many bits going through my head right now.

But they're funny bits. It's got to be a not funny bit.

You know who's funny these days? Doctor Phil.

Oh, boy. Well, you two are at the top of the game, I'll be honest.

That's so nice.

You know, I appreciate the. The consideration of even being here, but who else do I like? Carrot top is still pretty funny to me.

Great.

But I've seen him for a while, so it's like, again, you're sticking with it because people have told him, hey, stop fucking around with, you know, windmills.

You know, stop fucking with your props. Yeah.

You're already named after a fucking vegetable. You know, you're. Yeah, you know, dig but kiss over here. So, you know, who's that? Dig but kiss. Yeah, yeah. Oh, is it?

I'm doing your bit back. I like to do every now and then.

I love this game.

My buzz just kicked in. Keep going.

This is good. Yeah. Well, more comedians. Who else do I like?

I'll say a comedian. You tell me. Just. Let's just word association, okay? Just one word. I'll say the name of the comedian. You say the first word that pops your mind.

I love this. We got some theme music for it. Perfect.

Go ahead.

Jeff Ross.

Bald.

Okay.

Kevin Hart, enormous talent.

Sebastian.

What?

That was great. That was really good.

Relatable. Give me another one.

John Mulaney.

Oh, addict.

Yeah.

But, but, but knew how to spin it into something positive, really.

He took, you know, he did all the things that you could. You normally get in trouble for and turn it into a career.

Totally. I mean, it's likable.

That's my word.

That's a big likable. Yep. You nailed it. It's also very seldomly do you go to fucking sense. Jesus fucking Christ. We know your buzz kicked in, but your attention span is decreasing by the minute.

Truth bomb.

And we're back. Yeah, it's fun to do, isn't it? Pal, pal, pal, pal. Bang, bang, bang. I do think that when people. You don't expect to have drug problems, have problems, it makes you feel a little bit better about your life.

Yeah.

It's almost like when you saw the Johnny Depp Amber heard trial, you go, holy shit.

Yeah.

When he was like, you know. And he was so fucking cool. They were. She was like, he threw a bottle of pinot at my head. And Johnny was like, it was a pint bitch, you know?

Yeah.

And I was such a fan of the way he conducted himself.

He was great.

He didn't. He knew, a, is an actor, but b, he. He was, you know, secure in the way that he was not gonna be taken down. And, you know, unfortunately, she's a bad actress and couldn't pull through. But Johnny also, you know. Yeah, we all have issues again, you know, and chapter 25 is about Johnny Depp, really. Not about his issues, about the second pirates movie and the plot holes I found, but. But. But I do think that there's. I think there's something about, you know, reality tv. You ever watch love is blind or love is deaf? Or down syndrome? Buck naked love, or too hot to handle? Or just the tip? Or don't tell my parents, or I thought you were wearing a condom. Or anal island, or fuckboat or fist or foot, which is a fun one. Or my giant tumor on TLC. Ever seen that?

That's great. Quick.

Way to go. At least I'm not that guy, you know? At least I don't have a tumor on my cock. Yeah, I might have missed a cable payment, but I'm doing just fine. What was the question?

Love is.

Love is blind.

No, no. What's the autistic one? Love on the spectrum.

Love on the spectrum.

That fucking shows.

So my heartstrings.

Oh. Makes me think I should have dated more autistic women.

You should've.

They're fucking so honest and up front, I don't want to kiss you. And I'm like, we got that out of the way. I'll just drop you off.

No, that's perfect.

No, it's honest and it's. And truth is funny. You guys know that. Bert, I saw you recently and you told a story about your dog passing, and it was. I'm sorry to bring it up, but it's one of the best stories I've ever heard in my entire life. And you said you're debating about putting it into something special, but I just want to give my full endorsement that you should. One of the best stories. How do you craft a story? Both you guys? How do you keep an audience engaged?

Usually Tom will come up with a story, and then I'll run it by me. I'll punch it up for him, and then hotel on stage.

What a great benefit.

Yeah.

Yeah. It is how it works.

Tom will put a couple jews in there.

Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah.

How do you write a bit, Tom?

How do I write a bit.

Yeah.

Do you write on stage?

He drops bits that he's. He's not telling bits in this special, the one who's getting ready for that are my favorite things he's ever said. And I go, take it out. The podcast is so good. Leave it, put it in. And he's not telling those.

Cool. Oh, that's. That's great. Yeah. You find moments on the show.

I'm sure podcast isn't that good is because if we say something really funny, we take it out and we use it. We sell it to Netflix.

That's smart. But that's a benefit.

No offense. That's why you guys, like other podcasts, put all their bits in the podcast.

That's true.

You guys got the best art, though, you know?

Yeah, it's good set.

It's a great set. It matters. We know. Tell me this, though. Do you write. I know some comments on stage, right?

On stage, yeah.

Do you go in with a little nugget?

Yes.

Yeah. So you're like, okay, so, like, here's an idea.

Yeah. And I start with, like, if I. Like, if I tell a story, I like to tell the exact story. What really happened? You know, you do little exaggerations. Then you find what really connects and, you know, you work on the. And then you try to trim the fat. So I always over tell a story.

Sure.

So it's too long. There's too much information, and you work on trimming it down.

Ron Sickler is a good storyteller, too.

Great storytellers.

All are in the same boat. Can I share my favorite bits of both yours?

Yes, please.

Please.

Tommy, you did a bit. I think it's on the album where you're doing. You're dressed like Michael Jackson.

Yeah.

Pre abused.

Thrilled. Yeah, yeah.

And it was such a great album. And. And you told a bit about. I think it's a cousin who always has invention ideas.

Yeah, yeah. Because that's based on. It's a real story.

I know it is.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, tell. Yeah, he was. He was always saying shit like, what if, like, you are driving and you could just, like, think a thought and then your radio would just put that on.

I was.

The fuck are you talking about? You know, you could really make that. I'm like, yeah. If you were a fucking NASA engineer, dude. Like, he always just throw out these things. So I just, you know, I mean, you punch up the story, but it's really based on him.

And it's so relatable because everyone's got a million dollar idea. Yeah, yeah, everyone's got that shark tank. People see shark tank and they see that someone come and go, hi, sharks. You know, tired of being cold at night, introducing the blanket, and then they're like, okay, you fucking.

My favorite is when those guys come into the shark tank and they. They tell them their idea, and they're like, and I'm offering, you know, 2% of the company for, like, $5 million.

And they're like, yeah, so your company's.

Already worth 500 million.

What are you talking about? You haven't seen any little people on shark Tank yet? No, that bums me out. I'm starting to wonder why, you know?

Because they usually think they don't have inventions.

You gotta be thinking at all. But, yeah, they might be tiny. Tiny.

See the world like this. Everything seems like a big idea to you.

Like, remember the first time you went into toys r us as an adult and you realized how small it was? That's probably being a dwarf all the time.

Yeah.

Your perceptions off.

Yeah, it is.

But a dwarf invention would be what? They go in and go, you know.

What if everything had stairs?

No, I keep saying that. Oh. And then they look down, and then they go, hot. Sharks. Uh, you know, tired of not being able to reach the top shelf to get your cinnamon toast crunch. And introducing the, uh, you know, the step stool. Step stool.

But it's shaped like a pot of gold in a rainbow.

Yeah, it has to be.

Yeah. So they can climb up.

Leprechauns. My leprechauns. Oompa loompas. Uh, dwarfs. Who's the most famous? Uh, half size.

Oh, leprechauns.

I think so. Oompa loompas, though, got probably the most credibility. But they're also like slaves in a way, right?

They put in the hard work.

They did.

They are. They're the unspoken heroes.

Why don't they ever kill Wonka? There was, like 95 of them.

Because the real Wonka was actually. They loved him, right? They revered him. Like, he was like.

You think they looked up to him?

Yeah, I think they really did. He gave them a place to make candy or whatever.

Yeah, but do they really love it? Because everyone goes like, Brad Williams. First time I met Brad Williams, I go, where? The Skittles? Yeah. That was disrespectful, but. Because I didn't even introduce myself first.

Yeah.

I just said, where's the candy, you tiny little fucking, you know, thimble. We laughed later, but. Over text. But he's over. But he's a, you know, I just. I assumed Candy was a part of his world, but. Yeah, no, it's just a movie, you know, wire's not really Spider man.

You kept kicking him in the ass, waiting for candy to come out his nose.

He must have watched the fucking ring cam. Yeah, God. Tried to, but he's not a pinata as much as he dresses like one.

They got to be so pissed about, like, just elf calls.

Oh, we got a Brad on the five k. Yeah, Brad. Brad red.

Either one.

It'll take him.

Either one.

Half.

Boy, that's a show.

Pit versus five k to Brad Williams. It's got to be like. It's got to be like a half marathon.

Yep, pretty much. I've seen Brad run. I played basketball with Brad Williams once.

How is that cleaning up his.

It was great. He's. Yeah, he's. I mean, he's got. He can move around. Watching Brad run. I once saw him on a.

Do you do a respect thing where you don't go for every block? Like, do you kind of.

No, I know I dominate.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, I used to go to elementary school just for a little mood boost.

Yeah.

And just do full on hat. Billy Madison. Remember that scene where he's just swatting the shit out of those fat gingers? You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was a kid. Remember he grabbed his cheeks and he goes, you know, you don't ever say that again. The kid was like, I want to stay in school forever.

Remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't believe Bob Barker's dead. Yeah.

You know, they just sold his house on eBay. That's why. Right by. No, I'm thinking of Pat Sajak.

He's.

No, he's not dead.

He's dead.

No, he's not. Back is dead.

Alex Trebek.

Yeah.

That. His house is right by the base of Fryman Canyon.

Was it nice? Yeah, what is. No shit.

Fucking gorgeous. It was gorgeous.

First is gonna skip over my jeopardy joke.

What?

Yeah. You didn't know Trebek hosted Jeopardy. Let me tell you one thing. If I ever get cancer, Trebek is my. You know, knock on. You know, knock on for Micah. Is that what this is? Sturdy table. Did Joe Rogan's guy make this?

Yeah, I think he did, actually.

Every time I listen to a Joe Rogan podcast, you've got another friend making a table for him.

Or knife.

Or a knife.

Or.

Or a steak.

Or a pipe.

Or a pipe. I want friends like that that. Just go, you want a table?

Yeah.

Eli.

He would have been Joe Rogan's. It's his. His fans would have held up the wall in Game of Thrones, I think so. Like, they're all like, know how to make things that look like. That would be on the. On the watch.

Yep. So Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy. And when he got cancer towards the end of his life, it was sad. Whoa. That Mac and cheese. Oh, so combo is. It's. Yeah, it's strong. Like, you remember when, um. When Fozzie bear first did stand up on the Muppet show?

Yeah.

And he crushed. That's kind of how. The same feeling of the. Oh, so the buzz I'm getting.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll keep it in. But, uh. But what Trebek did what impressed me. You know, Shania Twain's always singing about. That don't impress me much, you know? So you got a car. Who gives a fuck? You know? All right, well, 2008 Ford Escape, you fucking twat. Still making payments on it, right.

But that don't impress me.

At one point, she says, so you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress much. And I was like, bitch, you'd fuck Steve Pitt if he took the all garden. But my digress, Trebek, when he got cancer, he was always, always shooting from the hip. Okay. Talk about a finger gun guy. Probably a finger guy, too. Trebek strike me as a guy that. Like, he was like, you know, I'll take you on a metro bus. We'll go to Santa Monica, then Culver City. On the same bus, different route, same finger inside you. You remember getting fingered on the bus in middle school? Yeah. Doing it, I guess.

Yeah.

Don't cancel me.

Roller skating rinks.

Yeah. You finger. Why?

You're skating.

Yeah, Apollo. Oh, no.

Yeah.

Really?

No, no, that's impossible, Bert.

No, no, I wanted to. I watched couples finger each other while they were skating. While couples skating. And he'd have his hand in her pants.

Yeah.

And fucking blasting her. And I was like, their parents aren't here.

The parents, yeah.

They were favored on a roller skating rink. You don't know.

You don't have parents. Yeah. And I'll talk about that in chapter 29.

Damn.

Where are your parents? You're probably getting fingered next to the skating rink. But Trebek. I'll get this story in. Stay with me. Yeah. The contestants were always so nervous around Trebek because he had a lot of. He's been on the show for 59 years. And so when they would do the personal information portion of the show, where you're from. And the girl would go, well, I'm from Tacoma, Washington. And he'd go, loser or something. You know, towards the end, he was like, cool, cool fucking story, bro. And then I remember one girl. Her name was like, mary. And he goes, Mary? It says here, you know, he's reading his fucking card. He got a couple bullet points. You know, he didn't give a fuck, though, because he's about to die. And he also. He's been doing jeopardy for 59 years, you know, the Daily double. I mean, if he had to, I guarantee you, Trebek was like, if I have to say congrats, you found the daily double. One more time, I'm gonna bite someone in the neck, Chewbacca style.

Yeah.

So this girl, she goes, we just got married. He goes, it says here, you just got married. And she goes, yeah, we had a Star wars wedding. And she goes, we had stormtroopers dressed up. People are all our groomsmen and dressed up as stormtroopers. And the. The girls, the bridesmaids dressed up as Princess Leia. And Trebek verbatim goes, nerd alert. And then moved on to the next guy. And they kept the camera on the girl, and she goes, oh, you know, this was like. Didn't know how to react. And Trebek. Cause getting made fun of someone on their show sucks. But especially, he was a couple weeks away from dying. I spent a few of his last words to be like, you fucking nerd.

Can you imagine dying? Having to hear about people's nervous stories on fucking television?

Yeah. Oh, and she can't get, you know, she can't. You can't say anything back to Trebek because it'll score you off the Sony lot. Yeah, but, you know, she was driving home, being like, I'll fucking drive over there right now and give him a daily double.

I wonder how much they've paid for that house. I want to see how much that house cost.

He's really into the cost of things.

Well.

Well, when you look at some of those houses in California, it's too much. It's fucking.

If he gives you his address right now, do you look it up? Who?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. You got an edit his name out.

Expensive house he gave.

We were going to a football game, and I said, so do you want to pick me up? He goes, just come to my house. I'll drive. I went, cool. So I got his address, and I. First thing I did is Zillow'd it, and it was $4 million. And I went, so funny. I casually remember him saying, he paid 8 million for this house, but that's fine if you want a pumpkin printer. That's fine. So I go to the house, I knock on the door, and from a house across the street, two doors up, I hear, over here, cocksucker. I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm not giving you my fucking address. You'll zillow how much I paid for it. I had already done it. I had already done it.

Already did it.

He sent me to another house.

He sent me to a different fucking house. That's psycho.

That's psycho.

And then he met you at that house and.

No, he just was waiting for me. He was sitting on his front door waiting for me to go knock on their door.

Holy shit. I got a. I got another game I'd love to play with you guys. How we doing on time, by the way?

Good. We're good.

Okay, good. What do you guys usually do here, about an hour?

Yeah, yeah, an hour.

A little more. Okay, well, let me get this game real quick. This is called Tom and Bert. Do you know each other?

Okay.

Favorite color, Bert?

Blue.

Tom, what's your favorite color?

Blue.

Did you guys know that?

I did not know you. I know you have blue eyes.

I didn't know that that was his favorite color.

It's my power color.

Navy blues. Probably my favorite color.

Toenails are painted blue.

When did you start painting your toenails?

I started a long time ago, but I started doing it a lot more when I had girls.

Yep. Yeah, cuz it's a. Yeah, we'll come back to that. Favorite actor.

God, I can't say Brad Pitt.

You can.

So hacky.

No, but it's up there. I'll.

I got it.

Go ahead. Look. Wait, let me guess.

You're never gonna. I will give you. I will actually give you $10,000 right now in real life if you guess. If you guess. And I'll whisper it to Tom.

Okay, I have a joke answer. And I have a real answer. Okay, my joke answer is Rita Rudner.

What's your real answer?

Well, now you're making me think it's Rita Wilson. Tom Hanks.

No, no, no.

Also, that was a second joke.

I'll give you a hint. It's a man.

I knew that. It's not Leo DiCaprio. It's not Tom Hanks. It's not Denzel.

No.

Could be Ben Kingsley. No, but it could be holding.

Hold on, hold on. Did you put it up somewhere? Hold on, hold on, hang on. Keep going.

That was what it could be.

Well, I want this bad. You know how many kraft Mac and cheese portables I could buy.

Please get this right.

God fucking damn it. I think I'm. Now, now my mind's all over the place. You ever watch the postmates driver try to find your house late night when you ordered a slurpee because you had too many edibles? If you get, then it cancels and leaves a slurpee outside your house with a picture of it spilled on the curb.

You're so close. You're so.

It's not Ben Vereen?

No.

Fuck. I said Ben Kingsley, and then you got all weird.

Fuck.

Who else has been.

His name's not Ben. I'll give you a hint. His name's not Ben. But you're so close.

Who rhymes with Ben Kingsley?

You're so close. You're so close. You're so close. I feel like we're playing wordle.

Yeah. If it's not Ben Kingsley, but you're so close. How the fuck is it not Ben or sound like Kingsley, but it. I keep Ben Kingsley because we were kind of.

Just give him a hint.

Martin Luther King?

No, I'll give you the hint.

Okay.

It's that they've worked together, and so that's why he was thinking, like, as.

Soon as you said Ben Kingsley.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. Well, but that could be anybody.

Yeah, he's been a lot of stuff.

Kingsley's. But I mean, Colin Firth is what I think, but it's not that guy.

No.

Fuck.

Definitely not calling.

Fucking leave here with $10,000. Come on.

I know, Tom. I'm doing my best. Oh, fuck. Wasn't p. Diddy. It could have been. He worked with a lot of people myself. That's okay. All right, final answer. I wish I could phone a friend. Remember, who wants to be a millionaire, where you phone a friend? That was always my biggest gage of, like, that's how I know I still trust you and want you in my life. Cause sometimes you'd hear Regis being like, all right, we've got David on the phone. He's gonna call Sam in Burbank, California. And then he called the guy, and then the guy was like, all right, Dave, what's the capital of Florida? And the guy on the other line would always like, dude, I don't fucking know. And you're like, well, you just wasted your fucking life and your chance at five mil. So I wish I could do that right now, but I can't. So if I can't say Ben Kingsley, and I won't say Colin Firth, and I want to say Judith lat, but I think she went downhill after who's the boss? Fuck. Not David had Pierce. Not David Alan Greer. Not Tommy Lee Jones.

He's great, though.

He is great. I'm trying to name every actor. Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett. 40 days and 40 nights of no fucking and no strawberries.

They bought his house. What's his name? Alex Trebek's house for $8.3 million.

Get the fuck out of here.

On the corner of Fryman Canyon. So every day, everyone walks by your house because they go for a hike. $8.3 million.

How much did the Brady Bunch house go for?

Oh, that went for a lot.

Somebody bought that. Lance Bass bought it or something.

He did actually buy that?

Yep.

Yeah.

Weird, isn't it? Weird how much. How many Lance bass facts you figure you have just roaming around?

Didn't he go to space?

I don't fucking know. Don't look at me like that. You think I just go to lancebass.com every morning when I'm drinking my purple sunkist? Fucking pervert. All right, I'm going to get an answer going here, and I want to get it right. Ben Kingsley. We're in the vicinity. We're rounding Kingsley Boulevard, taking a ride down it. Better fucking be this street.

Naked is sexy answer.

It's not. I know, I know.

You're a fucking beast. Do it.

I'm gonna give you a minute. I'm gonna give you a.

We haven't.

I'm gonna give you a really big hint.

I'll tell you the one I want to say.

He can still get ten grand.

I'll give you a really big hint.

Like a $100.

For a hundred. For a $1,000.

That's cool. Oh, shoot.

Dollars. A really big hint. Okay, hold on.

Talked about TC, Tom Cru. But I want to take that off the table because I think it can't be someone we've talked about.

You ready?

Yep.

You're gonna have to edit this. But it's perfect.

Tom sell. No shit.

He doesn't know.

I don't know. I. I don't recognize. Part of me thought that was the family ties theme song.

It's my favorite. It's my favorite picture, which I've tried to recreate a hundred times.

Okay, how about this? Take it off the table. Yeah, I want to get it, though, but take it off the table. And how about just a nice dinner with you and one of Joe Rogan security guards?

Done.

Okay.

Best this is. I will be using this in some sort of branding somewhere. Ray Winston.

That's your favorite actor?

Fucking love that. Guy.

Cool.

He's in the voice.

Arby's.

He's in the new gentleman. He's in sexy beast.

I haven't seen either one of those fucking. That's why you should make it a sexy sensor.

And you beast. He said, you beast.

Fuck yeah.

I'm not Ben Kingsley. You haven't seen Ben Kingsley and sexy beast? Oh, when he goes up to the fucking. The guy, that TSA guy, and he goes, alright, don't to make an issue with this, but I don't think all you guys are like this. All you Spaniards. But he touched me, touched me in my front bottoms, made me a nervous. I sat down, that tried, lit my cigarette. I don't think you guys are all. It's fucking the best goddamn movie.

It's a fucking great.

Say yes, Val. Say yes. Yes, gal. Yes, gal.

Yes. Val Kilmer's in it.

Gal is his name's Gal. It's such a great movie. And they just did a tv show out of it. Yeah, and I'm obsessed.

I'm a big movie guy. I just saw Shanghai Knights for the third time.

I just spit vodka all over my only jeans.

That's okay. Is that the brand name?

No. Yeah, it's only vans jeans.

Only vans jeans.

Bought them from an onlyfans girl.

Onlyfans. Now that's something you want to talk about.

Like, you always chipped my tooth.

No way.

No, I didn't. All right. Hey, um. Hey, let's go back to strip clubs.

What's it like to be you?

Can we go to strip club right now after this?

I'd love to. Oh, dress like this.

Can we all go to.

I mean, we'd have to leave immediately.

Dude, let's go to strip club. You want to go strip club?

Well, what's more important, this or that?

Strip. Wait. Oh, well, this is.

Yeah. How about this? TBD, you're gonna be in Los Angeles.

Is Christina okay with you going to strip clubs?

I don't know. I have an ass.

Yeah, I don't really tell him strip.

Club protocol, because here's the thing I don't want. I wouldn't go for the dance. I go for the camaraderie.

Yeah, they're fun.

Well, that's South Florida. Florida is. Florida is strip club energy. Leanna understands that. She goes, no, I get it. You go, you have fun with your boys, you get a lap dance, whatever. It's fine.

Yeah, the lap dance too is like.

Can get aggressive.

It can get aggressive. I remember I was in Alaska once. Quick. Alaska strip club story.

Yeah.

So I'm in Alaska. I'm doing a conference. Go ahead.

Great. American bush company.

No. Well, maybe.

Actually, that's the name of it.

It was in. Was it Anchorage? There was a place called coots. It was a bar.

Choku Charlie's.

Choku Charlie's.

Yeah.

And I was doing a. Some sort of a conference there.

They took you to the strip club. I know the strip club.

Oh, my God. This rules. Okay. I knew we were eskimo brothers and legitly. Yeah, we both fucked an eskimo.

That's cool.

So I went left. Chilka Charlie's, a famous bar. Look it up. If you're around there. Go. They've got, like, 19 bars. One of them is called the bird room. Cause it's where they, like, killed an ostrich in front of its family or something.

Tom will never go in his entire life. He will never step foot.

Go to Alaska.

No, I went to Alaska.

Choke Charlie's. He will never go to chill Charlie's. It is not your.

It's weird. It's weird. It's like a. It's like a strip mall with a bunch of bars in it, but it's got, like, a fish stand. The food's good. There's just a bunch of bars. One of them is like an earthquake hit the bar. So the room is, like, upside down. Like Pee wee's playhouse. Right. Minus the puppets.

And you went from the bar. They took you to the strip club from there?

Yeah.

So pull up a video, a picture of it. Great alaskan Bush company. I follow them on instagram.

So I go get a fish sandwich. They've got, like, a drive through window in the bar, Tommy. And I go, let me get a fish sandwich to go. And I go put ketchup on it because I'm a fucking freak. And I'm eating the sandwich on the way over, and I spill ketchup on my pants. Classic Phil. Okay. Ketchup drips right out of the sandwich. I'm a little messy. I got condiments on my pants. That's what she said. And there's ketchup all over my knees at the same time. I go in the strip club gal, uh, we got about ten minutes before shop closes up. Semi sentimental, semi Sonic is already in the fucking playlist. Closing time. Some fucking poor guys in the corner going, horse. And. And I got this girl dancing on me. And she's dancing. She's doing a good job. She know there's about seven minutes left. It's go time. It's Kobe in the fourth quarter.

Yeah.

And she's going hard in the paint, like Cedric Ceballos in 1996 versus the Pistons. And so I go, okay, let's do this. She's backing it up, fingering all sorts of weird buttons, and then all of a sudden, she stands up and goes, are you bleeding? Or she goes, do you know you're bleeding? And I go, you know you're dancing, right? Still, I guess blood doesn't stop your fucking, you know, agenda. So then she keeps dancing over the bloody knees, and then gets off and says, you know, that'll be, you know, two fish or however, whatever their currency is in Alaska. I paid her in fucking, you know, cookies or something. And she was big, and so I gave her some treats. I got up, I gave her cash, you know, but it was dipped in cool whip. She was big. And so I got into the cab, and the cab driver, swear to God, Tommy, goes, how was this Jim Glow? I don't know where he was from, but I don't do accents either. Could have been italian, japanese, jamaican, and rabbi. So he goes, where do? How was the juke glove? And I go, it was great.

Classic case of the ketchup pants trying to make small talk. He goes, I've been there. What? What do you mean, you've been there? It's the first time occurrence, but I guess ketchup pants dancing over bloody knees is a real thing.

At the alaskan catch factory, full nude. I brought a whole bunch of people there on a work trip, thinking it was just casual strip club where, like, topless and you could drink at the bar. And the girl sitting next to me edit her name out, was like, this is full fucking nude. I was like, what? She goes, I'm looking through this woman and the girls on all fours with her pussy, and I'm going like, ah, this was awkward. I thought this was. Oh, you gotta edit this out, too. So in real. This real talk. So we.

How much are we leaving in at this point?

I'll keep it in. So we bring.

Oh, he looks like he's the son of a strip club.

You gotta clean this up. Who's on the spectrum?

Yeah.

He goes, they've offered me a dance.

Oh, no.

I said, you gotta get a lap dance. He comes back. He's like, this sits out next to me. I go, how you feeling? He goes, I'm so stimulated right now.

Oh, my God, I'm so stimulated. Sounds like it worked.

And I was like. I was like, yeah, they stimulate you, I guess. You didn't come, did you? He goes, no, but we should leave. Those strip clubs could be fucking wild.

You can spend a lot of money in there. I used to see in Los Angeles, not Dallas reigns. Who was the black guy with the fro?

Dallas reigns.

Remember him? But there was a weather guy. No, sports guy. Yeah, for KCal nine. Black guy with a fro.

Really impressive fro.

You know that guy?

Yeah, I know that guy.

Oh, man. It was one of the first celebs I met in LA when I. When I went to a set up shop there. And it was at the rhino downtown. You know where that is, the rhino? Rhino. One of the better strip clubs in Los Angeles. And he was sitting in the corner in like, the vip booth, the champagne room. And I walked by and I gave him. There he is. Jim Hill.

This guy is.

Son of a bitch.

Yeah, he's the sports guy.

Yeah. Oh, he's a sports guy. He knows how many rebounds Tom Chambers got and how many kids Denise has. So I'm just saying, you know, stats.

Yeah, yeah.

So he's in the corner shooting me finger guns and I'm just avoiding eye contact because I don't want him to see me there because I hope, you know. How do I know he's not going to talk about me on the 10:00 news?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In other news, Doctor Phil's, you know, getting a hand job from a, you know, two legged cinnamon twist. Some of the strippers are crippled.

You can edit this out. I forgot it was Doctor Phil. I'm fucking wasted.

Okay.

We should go to a strip club. Let's wrap it up.

I mean, we did the game. I mean. I mean, we could take a shot.

No, let's do a shot.

We could do a couple more questions.

But no, it's hard to top that. I think that's great.

It's been a great episode.

Yeah.

How does this rank for you guys?

Oh, man.

Pretty fun.

This is so fucking fun.

Come back anytime.

Yeah.

I do want to say, bert, you're going to be a guest on the Doctor Phil live show in Los Angeles at the comedy store.

Netflix.

Netflix is a joke and we're going to live stream it. Take it to Doctor Phil live tv.

And mark Norman Douglas. Phil Live is at the comedy store. Is streaming tonight. Yeah.

Yes. Go buy tickets. Doctor Phil live tv and all the episodes are on YouTube.

Doctor Pimple Bob.

We're going to be there, but it's gonna be there in the goo goo dolls. Johnny Rezik is going to be there. Yep. I know you know her.

I love her.

Me, too.

She will. She will be cutting off skin tags on me live.

I can't wait.

Tell her to bring her tools.

I cannot wait. She's already bringing them. She told me I'm bringing my tools, and I said I'm bringing my toys, so let's have a sword fight. Bang, bang. When he comes. Nikki Glazer done it. Matt. Rife Santino. Bobby, Tommy, I think we're, you know.

We'Re talking about a day coming up.

Yeah, with you. With you as well. And it's a lot of fun. They're all on YouTube. Check them out.

No. It was a joy to have you here. Thank you for coming.

Appreciate it. I think we learned something. A lot of laughs. And I gotta be honest, I don't want to just throw a comb in your happy meal, but this is just. Sorry, I'm trying to. You ever just try to coin phrases that aren't phrases yet, people? I'm not down with that. You know? But it's, you know, I don't want to.

I don't want to put another jew on the fire, but.

Yeah. Yeah, well, mine was a little safer, but. But this is the best vodka I've ever had.

Thank you very much. I appreciate you.

Hey, pour me an Osos. That's what she said. We'll be right back.

Thank you, guys.

Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears his shirt.

Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell, but they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.