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What up, what's your fans?

Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey done say, It's Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir. Funny dude. Funny dude. Saw him tape his last special, Juh, Live in New York. He's working on a whole new one, all sorts of new stuff. So very talented. Go see Ari Shafir live on the road. Also, I'm on the road. Me and Robert E. Lee, me and Bobby Lee are doing a handful of shows left for the Bad Friends Tour. We each do stand-up comedy. We do a bunch of stuff, crowd participation. It's so fun and so wild. You have to come see. Go to badfundspod. Com. Badfundspod. Com. Tomorrow night, we're going to be in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then we go to Salt Lake City, we do Reno, Tucson, we do Windsor and Niagara Falls and Temecula and Then we end it all in Vegas on 420. Go to badfundspod. Com for those tickets. Badfundspod. Com. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger.

Like that, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a fugile. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Dinger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know what they're saying. For all my guests, what I'm probably my guest, but I mean him once again today. It's Ari Shafir, the king of putting too much shit in his pockets.

Yeah, that's more than I considered.

That is absurd. Two different kinds of gum. Are those headphones a jokebook? Yeah. Let's read this jokebook for a second. There's nothing in there. It's from January. There's the N-word in here like 70 times.

Something there. It's something there.

No, there's something there. I got to tell you. Hey, so tell us, give us a quick update before we catch up as old friends, because I love you and I miss you. How is, or I guess what's going on with Hamas?

Well, I think there's one bar of soap in the whole region, and there's this deep concern about who was there first to have it.

That's the fight. It's soap.

When no one says this, neither of them want it. That's exactly right. They just want to be offered it.

That's right. That's like, I don't want to go to your party, but I want to know that you wanted me there. I'm not going to show up.

Like Pauley trying to run the commerce story. Are you going to order beer? He goes, I don't know.

Letting Poly... I wish they did turn the keys over just to Poly.

Let it be the strip club that it was meant to be.

Yeah, that place is all over the place.

I'm bringing Sam back, bro. Can you see?.

Nobody knows this, but you've left Los Angeles, and now you've moved to Austin, Texas. People still think you're in... People think you're in New York, but you're not, right? You live in Austin.

I just go sometimes.

No, you're there all the time. I see on the internet. You're there every week.

I'm there.

You're there for every time Rogan wants you guys to black out, which is once a month.

Which is every two and a half months.

So it's every month.

Yeah, every month or so. I'm getting a lot of them. It's so funny. My friend told me, You said something really dumb in that podcast last time. And he told me, No way. That was somebody else. I remember Norman saying that. And then we made a bet, and it was like, Damn, it's me.

You don't remember what it was?

That electric car can go zero to 60 in zero seconds.

Brilliant. Honestly, genuinely brilliant. That is what that thing really does make. I've watched it very rarely because at some point, you guys are just yelling at each other. Everyone's talking over each other the whole time.

Three times an episode. It'll just be four people just.

Someone is saying something funny, and then someone else will be saying something funny, too, but you can't hear anything anyway.

Then one person will just be setting up some other thing.

Have you guys saved any parks?

The good thing I like about it is that you'd say, Rogan is responsible for the spread of COVID. Rogan is responsible for this and I'm like, You can't save a swing set.

Yeah, that's up.

You're responsible for all these major things?

What's his answer to all that?

He threw a $100 bill at me and ran out of the room.

He's so rich. Dude, every time I was always on his show, though, if you're buddies with Joe, he wants you to drink and get really high. It's so hard because I'm like, Well, I'm not going to be able to function at any level that's going to be entertaining to even me.

That's what Louis does. He brings out those dabs. He's like, Let's go. What happened? The A party is supposed to be after the show.

That's right. Do the show, then party.

Yeah. Who's that band, Russian?

Gogo Bordello. We just talked about them a week ago. They rock. They get fucked up on stage. They get wrecked. Yeah, they get wrecked.

He just does a whole bottle of liquor on stage. Everybody else, you can't do this show.

Yeah, but I never understood how musicians were able... You know when they were like, if somebody was... You know like if Liam or Noel was ripped, but they would be like, It was one of the best performances you've ever seen. How is that that they can get that high? Do you surpass a certain level of high that you maybe have made it all the way back again to being- Sober.

I think you just handle it.

When you've gotten ripped before a show to do stand up, you know it's not that good. I slur. Yeah, I don't like it. I get too mumbly, and then even if I get into a little bit of a groove, I lose it, and then I overthink about how I've lost it.

When you get too high, for sure. But high and drunk. I showed Robert in my show before. Repeat jokes, getting so drunk, just repeating jokes. Everyone was laughing. He's like, I'm Loving this. I'm like, Oh, you have no idea.

Doing the same set. Well, dude, the last time before Hedberg died, I saw him in Tempe when I was in college. I don't know. It was the last time he had toured before he passed away by us. And I saw him, and I remember being so bummed because I loved that guy. And I wasn't really a go see comedy fan. I loved comedy, but I didn't want to- That was so wild, though. I didn't want to see it live. I saw him, I saw Giraldo, maybe, at the Tempe, improv. But he was, fuck, it was a bummer, man.

Why? He was just so fucked up, man.

I didn't even have the wherewithal we have as comedians to know what he was going through.

I was just-Yeah, why? At that time, we were like, You just like to party, I guess? We didn't know you were covering something up.

Had no idea. I just was like, Man, he really ripped this one for some reason. Maybe bummer that I picked Friday or whatever it was. I was like, Maybe tomorrow would have been better, but I didn't have money to go back. But dude, he didn't get... He repeated a couple of jokes and didn't get really anything done.

I heard in the DC improv. When I went, I did a guest spot for him. Not for him, but for the DC improv. They were coming in. It was like, Is Hedberg here? They used to put people across the street at the Mayflower, I think. I was like, No, But the MCAP is about to go on. We still have the emcee, me, and the feature.

Plenty of time.

They're like, Is he here yet? I'm like, The emcee just went on. He's like a six-minute walk, four-minute walk. He'll be here. He wasn't last time. He just didn't come till Thursday on a Tuesday to Saturday show. Then another time, he just did it behind the curtain. He goes, You guys don't have to see me for these jokes. And just went behind the curtain and did 30 minutes.

I bet it killed still. Probably. Yeah, that's what so fucked up. I bet it killed. Imagine if you tried to pull that stunt, you'd get five minutes of fun.

Yeah.

Then people would be pissed.

Come on out.

Let's go. Come out. We do want to see you. I actually paid money. Yeah. Well, I think what standup is done, unfortunately, because of the internet, people expect all of it, all the time, always everything at the highest level There is no like- They're showing their highlight reels.

All these crowd work, they're showing their highlight reels and everyone's like, Well, that's everything, right? Yeah. Imagine taking 17, three point as they're showing the two you make and be like, I want to play in the NBA. I got a range.

I got a half more range. In the NBA, we'll be like, Let's give them a try.

Yeah. Well, he should probably be in ownership.

Then they see him eat shit live on Netflix. Dude, that's what they should really do.

It's so funny. Oh, you just did a good special? Let's do another one four months later. I'm sure that'll work out. Netflix, give people time to write material.

Which is so funny because for a long time, they weren't giving anybody anything, and now they're like, Here, here, here, here.

I just saw this great YouTube special you did last week. Let's do another one. Do another one.

I just did it. Yeah, but do one more.

Comedy Central always got me on those stories. They were like, This guy's got a good story. I'm sure it'll be a good life story. He could do it. I'm like, Well, yeah, but telling it is hard. It takes time to figure out how to tell.

They're like, No, I'll be fine. No, they just wanted you to put it together. No, he told us last night at a meeting. It'll be seamless. Yes.

Wasn't he a heroine addict? He's probably got it.

He's got it nailed down. How is New York without me and without everyone that you really love? When are you enjoying yourself? Whenever I feel like it, dude. I'll be there in a couple of weeks, actually.

I heard you're better than Nate at golf.

Nate Pargazzi, you heard that, buddy? You hear that?

You hear that, Nate?

He knows it. No, you don't need to do that. Yeah, you don't need to do that. It doesn't matter. Yeah, he heard it. You want to go golf while you're here?

It's so funny because he used to talk about joining the Senior Tour. He was like, I can be in the Senior Tour. I can be in the Senior Tour. Then when he saw other comedians easily pass him, he stopped saying that. He was like, Well, I just want to focus on playing with the Raptors' play.

Well, also a good strategy. Yeah, I guess. No, Nate's good. Nate is good at golf. He is good. I'm not saying I'm like, leaps and bounds, but I think I'm stronger than him now because he's busy selling out arenas. He's busy selling out arenas. Yeah, that's the problem. If you're too busy selling out arenas, you're not. And he's got children. I'm a childless theater act. Okay? So I have time to play golf.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Joking off on lawns. Yeah, that's exactly right.

Have you ever been on a golf course? I've been on a golf course in Hawaii once.

No way. We're on the course?

Yeah, in Maui.

Give it.

It was a check. I knew her already.

It was a check? You knew her already?

Holes of hole, bro.

That doesn't matter. By the way, it was a check. I knew her already. Both these things were lies.

She was a Canadian model.

So wait, you convinced this girl. You did no hotel? No what is- It was La Hina.

We were walking back. You know where you could pass Black Rock and you walk back towards, I think, the Hyatt or whatever that was. It's the Hyatt, yeah. You got to walk over that golf course.

You were like, Let's fuck in the golf course.

That's hot. She might have said that.

On the green or on the fairway, do you remember? In a bunker, huh?

On the green. I regret this. This is the part I regret. I pissed in a hole.

In one of the cups?

Yeah, one of the cups because it probably killed the grass around it.

I don't know, man. I pissed on golf courses thousands of times. Not on the green, though. That's really disrespectful. Not on the green. That's disrespectful, yeah.

But who cares? It burned down anyway.

We'll be right back. It did burn down. That's terrible, dude.

We got caught. Somebody was like, Hey. We're like, Oh, we just finished. I just pulled out. Yeah. We were like, Don't pull up your pants because he'll know this motion.

Yeah, that's such an obvious.

But it's far away at night. They're like, Are you guys got to go? Like, Okay.

Just snuggling. Yeah, I got busted in college in a car. Really? But the cop was really cool about it. It was like, oddly cool.

What did he say? Get out of my car.

He said, Get off my partner. We got work to do. I was like, All right, buddy, I got to pull out. No, it was in her car, and she had a sweat or probably some dude's sweat or some other guy's sweat, and that was our cover up. The cop pulled... I mean, we thought we were tucked away. He tap, tap, tap on the window like a flashlight. I was like, Oh. He was like, Get out of here. I was like, Okay. That's all he did, and then walked away. I don't think he cared to engage with how annoying that would have been to bus two college kids. It's like, What would be the payoff for him?

My job is to get you out of here. I get it. I'm not a idiot.

Yeah. He was like, Go, get out of here. Then just like a dude would be halfway driving home, I'm like, Do you still want to? She's like, Get the fuck out.

No, right. I also don't want to.

Why would I? I don't want to finish. Why would I? I don't want to do that. I'm good where this is. I The outdoor wedding, though, seems great when you're young. Then the older you get, the more nightmarish it sounds.

I was like, Let's go. Someone's going to catch us. I don't want to. I did it at Sal's wedding.

You fucked outside at Sal's wedding?

In the woods behind the wedding there. Whoa.

What are we talking, bridesmaid?

I don't believe so.

No, she wouldn't have made the main party. Not a girl that went for you.

She had no plus one.

Yeah. So what? You met this girl at the wedding. You said, let's go into the woods.

We just went into the woods.

Did you guys go get high on a walk or something? Probably. That's usually the start of it.

I'm just remembering, but she was holding a tree.

Oh, that's rad. That's the image you remember her hands on a tree. That's either great sex or the beginning of a murder. In the woods, no less? Hold on to the tree. I mean, hold on to the tree. Hold on.

You saw nothing, you see nothing, and then just life ends. Dirty, too. The worst is sand on sand.

Dude, sand in general? Forget sex. Sand? I have no business going to the beach ever again. A, look at this face. No, good point. B, sand is bullshit. It's- Sand is bullshit. Bullshit. Tiny bullshit rocks. Sand is bullshit. It offers me nothing. When someone's like, feel the sand in your toes. No, thanks. It doesn't even feel that good. Has it ever felt that good? Where you're like, Man, that really feels good. No, you know what feels- It's too hot. Yeah, it's way too hot. My thought is, especially here on the West Coast, on the worst beaches, is glass and shit.

You're becoming a Jew. You're becoming a Jew the way you play.

Come on, dude. I've been snipped. No, but I just think about that every time I go to the beach. When we would take our nieces up to Malibu, and even as far north as you could get, you're like, This still sucks. It sucks. The only time the beach is good is for people that surf. Surfing is cool. Tosh and Loughlin Patterson, all those comics that surf, that's because they go right into the water and surf.

They don't stay on the beach.

They're not chilling on the beach.

You should have a pathway where there's no sand.

Oh, my God. I'd love this. All the way to the surf. Build a concrete pathway.

Concrete or rubber, something that holds heat, takes heat out. Who the fuck is that? Is that those?

Yes.

The production company?

Yes.

Dude, I haven't been to LA so long. There's so many people taking meetings for dumb reality shows.

It's never going to work, isn't it?

No, they need another strike. Wait, so we got this idea. A heat resistant path straight into the water. Pathway to surf.

Yeah. But it's got to be- Swam. Well, they have this, right? I've seen guys jump off of those walkouts made of rock. But does this work with the waves?

You mean does it stop the waves when you're jumping into it? No, it It breaks the waves. Wait, did you think that it was creating less waves if you jump into it? No. Hold on.

Does the rock wall break up the waves?

No. You're jumping. What you're saying is you're jumping out of the waves, stops the waves from hitting everyone else.

Yes, the big splash. Interesting. Okay, so how about this? Side note, you're at a pool party. People are in the pool. Not everybody. You know how it always goes, 10% are there in the pool.

The rest is- You're a dick if you go in the pool.

You're not going in? No.

See, that's funny. You're self-centered. You want to be part of it. No. Pool party or just a party at someone's house, there is a pool. That's different.

But are you ever getting in or you're rarely getting in unless it's a very private, small occasion?

Yeah, six people.

Then yes.

Yeah, then all I go, let's swim.

How many people is too many people in the net?

If we could all be in the pool, then you can go in and out whenever you feel like.

Right. If almost everybody's in, it doesn't matter. Yeah.

Ten people or less is a big, giant pool.

Right. How many people is too people in the hot tub?

If you touch anyone, it's too many people.

Touching is too much.

If you touch a leg to a leg, it's so uncomfortable.

What if you're looking at-It's so uncomfortable. What if there's a babe in there and you're like, It already is crowded, but she's like, already, get in here.

I'm going in.

You are, but you're annoyed. I'm annoyed.

It's like, come on. It's like in college, girls used to go like, Let's go dancing. I'm like, oh, actually, I'm busy that day. I said it was free. How about next week?

Why don't we just go listen to a band and we'll watch watch a performance. And not dance. And not dance.

And not dance. Why is it pressure on me? You can go dancing with your gay friends and then with your guy who wants to fuck you. I'm not black or gay. Why would I dance?

Are you sure? I'm not black or gay should be the name of your next album.

I've already got one. I'm not black or gay. I'm not black or gay. What is it? Sherrod already gave me one. What is it? Sherrod already gave me one. Too many blacks.

Too many blacks?

Yeah. And then the back cover, I don't know about the front, but the back cover is me. Oh, no. The front cover is me with a bunch of black people behind me and just going, The back cover is, How many blacks is too many? Q, How many blacks is too many? A, one.

Who gave you this? Sherrod. That's really good. Sherrod would have to executive produce the album. Give him some licensing. He'd have to. Sherrod presents. Like the old-school rap days. Yeah, too. When he's black. Before every comedy track, he's got to be like, Sherrod, production, production. It has to loop like a rap song.

Like a Whizz Khalifa, whatever his name is, DJ Khaled.

Yeah. What's DJ Khaled? Sherrod.

We the best.

We the best. Yeah. Khaled.

Too many Blacks, Blacks, Black.

That's a great name for an album, dude. Too many Blacks.

Is that a real thing with the Blantons?

Yeah, with little horsies.

All the different ones? Yeah.

You collect them if you're a real nerd, and then Each of the letters are spelled out on top of their B-L-A-N-T-O-N-S. Oh, really? Blantons is spelled out on the- Are there seven different ones or whatever there is? Well, each of those tops comes with a different letter. You have to gamble and keep buying them to find out if you're going to actually spell the letters.

But the tops look different.

No, they're all... I mean, different time periods, they are different. Yeah, they're different.

But they're this and this are the same.

They're pretty close.

It's not every single one is the same.

Are the letters the same? Read the little letters on them. There's little tiny letters by the horsey. By the horsey. Yeah, by the horsey. See, by the leg. What does that mean? R, P, it's probably B, A.

Yeah. Oh, B, B. These two are the same, and they're both Bs.

And that's why. So they are the same with the same letter. But they're all uniquely different. And that is a little nerdy collector's thing. And what is it for? Nothing. Nothing. Just to drink more. But trinkets do help you... This is the only reason I think they've designed liquor bottles in weird interesting ways is to trick you to really feel something else about it. That's got a net on it.

Oh, neat. It's like smart.

Because what would be the reasoning for any of that? Nothing. Truth be told, I imagine Prohibition days, somebody figured that out because they were bottling and because booze was just all around. I imagine Prohibition.

Yeah, they just put it in whatever was left over.

One dude was like, I want my bottle to look a certain way. Because Jack Daniels owns the rights to that bottle, and nobody bottles in that bottle.

Jack Daniels.

They own that type of bottle. That's Squareish. That's Squareish glass. Because look, you can look at all these other ones. They're close, but a lot of these guys use the same bottles or the same bottling companies.

And so it's too similar.

That's why these guys are really different.

Scotch is always round.

Scotch is typically round. Yeah, you don't find it. Scotch doesn't really come in weird. There's like penis whiskey glasses now or guns. Yeah, it's too much.

That means you're like a gimmick.

That's too much, right. You The shit inside there is not going to be good. It's going to be terrible because you're just selling the outside. Although that's funny. That's Louis, right.

With a real clock.

That's got to be some of the fanciest shit in the world. Aunt Jemimah really started this whole revolution, didn't she?

Aunt Jemimah did it.

She started it. When was Aunt Jemimah's-What was her heyday?

When was her? When did her sister first give birth?

When was Aunt Jemimah really put into there? '66. That's way too late. I thought it was way long ago. She got canceled pretty recently.

She did get canceled. It's pretty sad.

The pancake mix is from the 1800s, right? The syrup itself.

I think they were using her bottle for a long time.

Without her consent.

She was like, I want a residual.

I don't think so, Jemimah.

Strike then, Jemimah. Strike. We'll get Uncle Ben fucking in here right now to replace you.

They did really- They canceled.

It's too racist.

Yeah, they said it was way too racist.

I don't really care.

Well, If the bottle was white, would it not be racist? If it was like aunt Carol?

With like thin lips and like...

Yeah, if it was a white bottle.

Thin lips and a tiny nose and fucking straight stringy hair and no style. What is it?

What is it? John Huck. John Huck used to say...

What was that one?

There was a comic that always said, When you go back to Chicago, say, How do your aunt Cathy for me? Because everyone has an aunt Cathy, and I do as well. It's so funny. It's like, Cathy is the typical aunt. Say, How do your aunt Cathy for me? Who Who's your aunts? Give me your aunts. Ruth. Barbara. Barbara. 100%. I knew there was a Barbara.

I have Tata's. Tata Sara, Tata Lily.

Those are the you know what's. Those are the you know what's. Yeah, let's not talk about them. Yeah. Tata Lily, Tata Sari. Yeah, more or less. Sari.

Sara.

But Sara. Oh, Sara like Sarah. Yeah, like Sarah. But why did you guys do that?

Well, we did it first.

Did you? Yeah, we did. I guess. It predates English. Okay, dude. Says who? Pick up a book, man.

I don't know the story. That's what Hamas is fighting over.

The Ethiopian Bible is older than the King James Bible.

Yeah, but it's written on that paper. They have to slop up fucking food.

Do you have silverware? We have a Bible. Imagine they would rip pages of the Bible just to eat.

Yeah, just like, you ever smoke out of the back of a Bible?

A hundred %, dude. That's the first thing we did in high school is like, What if we smoke a Bible page, dude?

It seems so wrong, but it's just a You're just making more Bibles get printed.

But it is funny to think all those things you think are wrong, that you're like, Oh, that's bad. That's naughty. The real wrong thing was smoking out of a pop can because you were getting brain damage.

That was actually stupid and wrong. Uncoded or take out the coating of aluminum.

Dude, I remember the first time I smoked weed behind a tennis court, right? Yeah. And pop can's all we had. Apple was shortly thereafter, but everyone had heard, Dude, pop can, so easy. Get a pop can, we're good to go.

It's so funny. It's so easy. Or you can get a $4 pipe.

I know.

Just get a shitty tiny one hair pipe.

But we were just so afraid that it was like, if we get caught with a pipe, we'll go to prison. Oh, you're fucked. We'll go to prison. With a pop can, it's like, throw it in the bushes where that guy's fucking that girl behind that wedding.

You want to get raped in prison for a decade or you want to just use your dad's extra pop?

Isn't that funny? That's what we thought. I was like, You just smoke pot, dude? You're going to go to prison for a thousand years. It used to feel that way. If we get caught, they're going to ruin our entire future.

It was so cool and illegal, and now it's so lame and illegal.

It's so lame, dude.

It's so stupid. It's so lame. When- You're going to smoke pot?

No. Get away from me. I'm not touching your lips to that thing. We're not doing drugs, dude.

This episode of Whisky Ginger is brought to you by Betterhelp, spoken a lot about better help, and that's because I do believe therapy is wonderful. I think it works. I really do think talking to someone and jamming out your problems is a great to get stuff off your chest, to help shake off some of the cobwebs that's going on, whether it's pain, anxiety, frustration, whatever that is. It's a new year. Why not be a new you? You finally organized something in your life, why not tackle yourself? Why not work on your own brain? If you're someone that wants a little bit of order to the chaos that is the universe in the world that we're living in, I think speaking to someone is one of the best things you can do for yourself. And why not give it a try? Why not What's the hurt? What's it going to do? If it doesn't work, you don't have to use it. That's okay. But if you're thinking about starting therapy, why not give better help a try? It's entirely done on the internet. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You got to fill out a brief questionnaire.

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Yeah, you know who's really lost that luster? I watched an interview with- Slick Dog. Willy Nelson. And it was... And again, it's always like an older white guy that's like, You're just going to keep token until the good Lord takes you, huh? And he's like, Well, that's what I propose. And it turns me off to weed so much. It's almost like my dad being like, Isn't this rad? You're like, No.

I saw Booze, country, Willie Nelson, whatever his name is. Who? Bow's, Willie Nelson.

Who's Bow's, Willie Nelson?

Willy Nelson for alcohol.

Oh, Jimmy Buffet.

Jimmy Buffet.

Rest in peace. He's gone. Rest in peace. Yeah. He's up in Margarita, Florida.

You did? Yeah, it was pretty great. But it's very quaint. But every song was like, So we were in Hallehousie. 10 years ago, the song was about that. We were getting pretty tuned up on some beers. They were getting tuned up, dude. It was like, Yeah. It was like, Dude, this isn't badass anymore. You're just a drinker.

Yeah, you're just drinking.

He was wearing his dumb shorts with his dumb fucking flabby, vainy legs.

Did he have gout?

He just wasn't. He wasn't rocking it. He wasn't like, dancing through the state.

He was just there. Just sitting and drumming.

I asked Dan because Dan's Soda's dad was... Yeah, that's when he was cool, was a big Buffet head. Really? He was like, I'm just going to drink till I die. And did. Achived. He called his special. Soda called his special Son of a Gary. Then I heard Buffett. I went to see him and it was like, I think he had a song called Son of a sailor Man or something like that. I was like, Did you name the title of your special after that? He goes, Dan, that would have been smart. No, it's a coincidence.

But it worked. Who gives a shit? That is cool. That is pretty... Yeah, did his dad die of alcohol poisoning?

He died drinking by a lake.

That's so cool. Why is that bad?

It's so cool.

That's the way to go.

That's the way to go.

Okay, that's honestly... Okay, if they tell you're in the hospital, you're going to die, where are you going to die? Like a deer, you know an animal that goes to die in the woods? Where do you go to die? If they're like, listen, you got a day left. A day left.

Okay, that's what I need to know.

One day and you're out. But we don't want you to die here because I know that you can walk, but you're going to die.

Can I get somewhere instantly or do I have to get there?

You would have to get there, unfortunately.

So I couldn't go to like, Antarctica.

Sadly, no.

I think just... Shut up.

Give me some no. I'm a doctor, I'm the doctor.

I think just the nearest woods. Just the woods? Just the nearest woods. Or hanging. You remember that movie where they start? Damn it. It's Alien versus Predator, but the beginning of it, where they The guy that cut himself and fell into the waterfall.

What is that? What is that?

Is that Alien versus Predator? No, it's in that world.

Oh, right.

He starts off a new planet and it's got the oil. When they discover it later, it'll be like, All going to tacky.

So that's you. Andromeda or something like that.

So I'm going to do that over an overpass, a bridge. Stay there, and when I die, boom.

Right on a car. Yeah. It just ruined people's day. It ruined them. But we do it right in the middle of rush hour. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be in a rush hour.

I got a day, so it's like...

Yeah. Yeah, it got to be at the end of the day. I want to be on a boat.

How do you get to a boat? La, you got a chance. We got a boat here.

You're in New York. You go get on a boat. You could. Go get on a boat with somebody. Pay them all the money to be like, I want to throw a ranger. Get everyone you know, invite the world, call everyone on your phone, get them on the boat, let's go out to the ocean, let's party until I die. When I do, throw me over. Throw me over? Keep partying? Yeah, keep fucking partying. Here's the money. Have fun. What am I? I don't want to be buried here because when I pass a cemetery, I think that's not where they want to be, right next to the fucking Expressway.

You also could be a golf course.

What a way. Could have been a golf course. Yeah. They should build golf courses on cemeteries, too. Leave the headstones, though. Go over. Yeah, make it another obstacle. That's how I feel.

Yeah, you can go down to the cemetery. Right. I think I want to party at sea and let me go. That's not bad. And have everyone keep partying. I have thought about that. What do you want people to say? What's the mood? You're awake or memorial? Rage.

Rage. Have the most fun.

Party one more time on this.

This should be a reminder that you're going to be dead. So fucking get it over with and have a good time. Every time I go to a funeral, every time, I'm always just so bummed that I went. I know that sounds crazy, but I wish I didn't go. I was already sad. Then I saw you and got more sad. Fuck that. I was already bummed.

I had plans when Brody died, Brody Stevens. So they had a funeral for him, a memorial at the Comedy Store. Me and Paul Morrissey were going to watch preseason baseball in Tampa. We were like, Brody would have wanted this.

A hundred % would have wanted that. Yeah, that is exactly what he would have wanted. Go watch baseball. Yes. Ari, no show. He would have loved it, dude. Yeah, it's like, you know that- Zack was there.

Where were you? Where were you?

Five minutes came and went. You know what's so funny? Brody had the same cadence jumping sometimes that Trump does. It's almost Trumpian. You know how Trump is like, it's like all over. Brody had that. Really high, low, ins and outs. He did that same thing.

How cool you have to be to have an I-A-N at the end of your name to have a vibe. There's no Santinean.

No. Andrinian? No.

No, there's not.

There's Trumpian.

He's so interesting. I hate him.

He's interesting. He's larger than life. I see him every time at all these UFC events online. I wonder if he even likes UFC.

Does he even like UFC? No. Or is he just there because the commissioner supports him?

Yeah. I feel like that's definitely what it's got to be. There's no chance he's enjoying his money. He's not like, Yeah. No. But also, that's not his thing. It's not his thing. His thing is finding out making money.

I would have done it better. I would have done it better.

I would have won. I would have beat one of the Blacks. Single leg. Should have single leg. Too many Blacks, by the way. Irish Shafir, new album, out soon. Too many Blacks. Yeah, there's no way he likes it. I just don't believe. Well, what does Trump like?

What does he like?

Other than money? Yeah, I can't see. Making money sometimes is everything.

I found that- Every comic we know.

Well, you know how we tout?

We really suck the dick of fucking Warren Buffet. Everyone's like, Oh, he's in a Yeah, great.

He is incredible. But the more you look into this guy's life, he's humble and simple and sweet.

He goes into wrestling. He's obsessed with money.

He loves money, which is lame. Oh, yeah.

Trump did WWI. I forgot about that. Oh, no. He shaved. Shaved Vince McMahon's head. Oh, wow. Dude, if that guy wasn't the president, which he wasn't there, everybody would still love him.

100%, yeah. Yeah, because back then, he was so much fun. Look how upset he was by the hair going. Fucking Vince. I don't know why he'd let him shave his head, though. That's He's pretending that he can't move.

He's trying to shake. He got his front, No, don't. Well, it's happening now, Vince. You can stop complaining. You can just be like, All right, just do it. Stone Cold will hold you back while your head gets shaved.

You're a real stupid son of a bitch. I was like Stone Cold.

I never got into wrestling that much, but I liked certain guys. I really liked characters. There were certain guys who were better.

There were certain guys who were too clean for me, like The Rock couldn't handle it.

Too clean.

It was like, You're just big. Yeah, very big. Hulkogen, it's like, Yeah, when you're seven, these guys are good. But you liked him after all the scandals came. That made him more likable. It did make him more likable. Dropping the N-word and doing sex tapes. To have a little bit of vibe to him. Yeah, he had a danger and edge. Some juice, yeah.

Old man trading wives. There was something interesting about it.

You were like, Wow, this guy's rad. Can I fuck your wife? Brother, I'm done, brother. Get in there. Actually, an orgy.

If you're in an orgy, you're in an orgy, right?

Next week, you go to an orgy. I can do this, yeah. I can put myself in this place.

What massive celebrity would walk in that would, A, piss you off, and then who's the other one that would get you very excited to be a part of an orgy with them? Okay, I already know the second one, but let me see.

Who would piss me off? Who would pitch you off? The celebrity walks in and you're like, Fuck, I don't want to be in the orgy with this guy or girl.

I think a bigger comic would be like... A more famous comic, right?

Yeah, like Chapelle came in.

Great. There goes me.

Great. It was going to be like, You're one of my favorites.

No, no one's going to anymore. What comic would walk in that you'd be like, This is not intimidating. That's fine. That's not-Oh, yeah. Let me think. If it's above you, it would make you mad.

Bobby would steal focus. Yeah. Bobby would steal focus. I'm trying to think. Bobby Kelly? No, Bobby Lee.

Yeah, Bobby Lee would steal so much focus.

He would be probably the worst to have walking in Orgy.

He'd be touching me in the bud.

I'm like, Stop, dude. I'm trying to keep a heart on. Stop. Stop with the gay shit. Literally not now.

Any other time, the gay shit is fine.

So many fingers in your ass. All right, who else? Who would walk in, you'd be excited that you're like, Oh, yeah.

Ken Griffy Jr.

Whoa, what a good one.

God, I would love that.

The king of swing. Yeah. So smooth, so sweet. And a lefty, no less. So you know he's got another level of rhythm. Something about a lefty, I know they fuck well.

Yeah. Wow, he's old there. Now, he's still a good-looking cat, though. Oh, yeah. 54? He's not that bad. He's 54. Yeah. How old are you? Almost 50. You're 49? I thought you were 47. Yeah, but I mean, he's such a cool dude.

He wouldn't fuck up the rhythm. The vibe would be good. He wouldn't fuck up the rhythm. His stroke that way would be so cool. Such a good stroke. He'd pull out and he'd just walk. You know what I mean?

He'd come and he wouldn't make a big thing. He'd just go, Walk away.

It walk away real smooth. Real smooth.

I'm trying to think who would make me….

Piss me off is a good one.

Probably a- Why is that guy here? A bigger comic would fucking… Or even somebody's going to want to talk to you that you don't really want to talk to.

Somebody you haven't seen in a long time. Somebody you want to catch up. Now's not the time. I'm trying to think who I- I've seen you in so long. I'm trying to think who I decently like, but I just wouldn't... Like if Ben Gleib walked in, I'd be like, Dude, not now. I want to see you in the improv. No, come on. Ever since you moved to New York, I haven't seen you in so long. Just let me fuck. Let's chat while you fuck. Before I knew Ben Gleib, I got his phone number from Jade Kata Prata. We were at the Comedy Store one night, and I didn't really know him well. We had met, maybe. But one I was impersonating him, and somebody was like, Dude, that sounds just like him. It does. I was like, Give me his phone number. Jade was like, Why? I called his phone, and I would leave him voicemails of him from the future.

I did it a bunch until he caught on to it.

But I was like, Ben, it's you.

To me, it's you. Listen, there's laundry still in the dryer. It's wet. Don't leave it in there. It'll wrinkle. Immediately, there's no chance it won't wrinkle.

I got to go buy.

I would do this fucking all the time we get drunk in the store. Yeah.

Then finally, he put it together that it was me. He's like, Very funny, man. Actually, very funny. But I could tell it pissed him the fuck No one likes the impression of them. Because I would do it behind the store in the parking lot.

We'd be all fucking high. I love when you hear somebody's hearing an impression of them and they go, everyone's laughing.

That's actually not that close to me. You're so mad about it. It sounds exactly like you, dude.

No, you're missing the essence. No, man. They got you hard. You hate it. It's pretty right on the money. You know who I'd be excited to walk into the room?

Who? What celebrity would be high top for me. Would you be like, nice? Yeah, I'd be pretty amped about it. Who? Bronson Pinchow. Interesting. Are you talking men? I don't know what he looks like now, but just that.

Bronson Pinchow in his heyday, Beverly Hills cop, Bronson Pinchow. Look at that guy.

That would be cool. Look at that guy. Here's why. He looks like he's wearing a mask of himself.

How the fuck did that happen?

Hey, chill out. I want to have him on this show. No, you know what's the funny thing? For people that don't know, he played Salge in Beverly Hills Cop.

He was also Belky and Perfect Strangers. This is predating people that are under fucking 30. I mean, this show came out when I was in my zeros.

Perfect Strangers was my favorite sitcom.For a little bit.I fucking loved it.

I thought it was one of the funniest. But anyway, go back-Wow, look at that fucking IMDb.

Go back to his photo.

This guy was such a versatile actor, though. Truly, one of these character actors. Did he Did he have an accent?

Bronson Pinchot? Yeah. French, right? Or did he just do this for the... Because he didn't have an accent in Beverly Hills Cop. But in Perfect Strangers-Yeah, no. In Beverly Hills Cop, he talked like this. Yeah. Oh, really? No, he was sales. Yes, I'm serious. No, he talked like that. Can I tell you where his real name is? Bronson Pinchot. Pinchot? It's not Pinchot? No. Fuck me. No, he called it Pinchot to make himself seem better. Well, it worked. An American actor. That's like Steven Colbert, right? What do they say his real name is? Valquima Takomas. What's Steven Colbert's real name? Colbert. Colbert, right?

It's not Colbert. It's the same symptom. I don't think it's either one.

No, it is. He got approached about it one time. Really? Yeah, and he talked about it on a show, and I can't remember who... It's like Target? Yeah. What's his name? Try to call him out. Who's the big conservative voice?

Bill O'Reilly. Bill O'Reilly. Was like, It's not Colbert, it's Colbert.

He was like, Yeah, my father... I don't even know what the story behind it, but he had changed it, right? I love those like, Hey, that's not a got you moment. It's just a couple of generations ago, they just changed- Nobody gives a shit. No, but Bronson Pinchaud, if he walked in, the reason that I like this guy so much, because here's the deal. I bet my bank account back then, fuck machine. Probably a fuck machine. You're probably right. You could learn from him. Yeah, because look, he's not the most handsome guy, but he's not unattractive. He's this unique, weird, fun, quirky. What a nose. Yeah, super good schnaz. Yeah, quirky. Share a couple of nose beers with that guy and then get to work. I'm telling you, he's going to teach you some stuff that you don't know. Just because I feel like he's got that.

I think he eats ass? He does. But you know what?

The problem is? He loves wine coolers.

He brought wine coolers to the Orgy, and people were like, Bronson.

Bronson, come on. There's no need for it. This is a fucking mansion. This is a mansion, dude. Bronson eats ass. 100% is a big ass boy. Oh, he looks skinny there. See, he lost all the weight. What happened? Oh, why? Now he looks like a Nazi a little bit. Yeah, he does. Looks a little Third-right-he there. My name is Extermination Mershian. But with a French twang at the end.

What happened to his co-star? That's a cool guy.

See, that's what I mean.

He had that long-haired, cool... In Perfect Strangers, what was that guy's name?

I don't really remember his name.

We're talking what's his name?

No, no, no. The partner. God, we're going back to a place that nobody fucking gives a shit about.

Who's that other guy. He's up there.

You were just there.

Mark Lynn Baker. Wow. He aged like fucking... He looks like... Who does he look like?

A scientist of any kind. No, no, no, no, no.

Crosby still is nationally young. He's one of them. Oh, yeah, he does. He does. One of them. He does, dude. That's so good. But this is how you want to age.

Yeah, that's how I want to be. But you are. You did it. No, but I want gray hair. I want longer than this. I'm just starting to get the ponytail. Yeah, that's pretty That ponytail is cool. I want gray, nothing but gray. Shoe all gray. Yeah, all gray, like his mustache, gray beard and just piss it in public. There's something interesting. Keep your head off for a second.

There's something so interesting about There's so much hair right there.

Where?

Right here on the top, on your crest, on your moon crest there.

It's thick, so you can almost style this any way, and then no one knows what's going on in the back at all.

Which is a lot of nothing, but still.

Yeah, but down below, it's incredible. Yeah, here it's got stuff. When I met you, you had a full head of hair and barely a beard. Yeah. Barely a beard. Is this beard forever now?

No, I'm going to let it go for a year. I feel like the beard is keeping you sick.

Maybe. I think the cough has kept in there.

You want to get rid of the cough, you got to shave the fucking beard. You had COVID again? Yeah, it was bad.

This one was a bad one. This one was shaking in the bed. Everyone's been getting the second weird- But it was a while ago. Just this last... I think it's like, what's it when you're inflamed in the throat?

Your pharyngeal l'arganitis.

That is what I was going to say. Yeah, that's what it is. Pharyngeal l'arganitis. No, you know what I think? I think the second round of COVID thing is forever. I definitely mean it. The first time, I think they didn't think it was. And then now I'm like, oh, this is... You know the long haul thing?

I think this is the real one.

You know Ryan Sinclair can't smell What? Still. What? Dude, it's years. He can't smell? Dude, I had pizza with him a year ago. We went out to dinner, and he was like, I still can't. I was like, Wait a minute. What? And the one thing he said that freaked him out was that he had his daughter sleeping at his house, and she woke him up because there was a smell of smoke next door outside, and he didn't smell it. You know where he should go? Anywhere in time. You're Ryan Sichler. Where do you go? Anywhere, any place in time? Anywhere, any place in time? Yeah.

I mean, so many easy jokes here, but I really don't know where you're going. It's a city right next to Auschwitz.

Yeah, just be in the city next to it.

That's what I was going to say, the Holocaust for sure. Yeah. No smell, but I didn't know. How would I know? The smell of dead bodies. Like, oh, right. So I'm for the future.

And we actually had this COVID thing.

We lose our- It was weird. They shut down businesses.

But the main thing is I can't smell dead bodies. Anyway, I got to get back to work. They're like, so do we. At Burbank Airport, they have a huge billboard still for visiting Auschwitz. Have you ever seen this? Have you ever been to Burbank? Yeah, I landed there this time. Wait, what flight did you take?

The Jet Blue flight. You did.

You took the one. There's only one. Isn't that great? Yeah.

Burbank Airport, look up the billboard for Auschwitz.

In the United Terminal, the second one, the B, you're boarding a plane, and there's a huge one that's like, Never forget. What? Whatever it says. It's not never forget. It's not head to Auschwitz? We got one-way flights? They don't even get there. You can't even fly to Auschwitz from Burbank. That's the worst part.

Yeah, it's an LAX.

Yeah, you got to go down to LAX if you really want to go. Well, it's LAX. You can just go and Burbank. Hey, I know you can't get there from here, but don't forget.

That's it. Auschwitz, not long ago, not far away. Pretty far, though.

Really far away. Yeah, almost the furthest. It's so far away.

It's eight hours.

Oh, no. From here.

From here, it's a nightmare. It's forever. It's like 11 or 12 hours. Yeah, it's way too much.

What's the travel time?

Look at travel time, Burbank to Auschwitz. Because you'll probably have to find a LX or take a connector. How many times you have to stop if I need to go to Auschwitz? Imagine asking that to a desk agent. Do I have to stop to get to Auschwitz?

How many layovers? I know there's going to be at least one more layover, but how many?

How long? Sixteen hours and 30 minutes if we could fly direct from Burbank to Auschwitz.

Now, also, just so you know, on WOW or Icelandic Air, you can a free layover for as long as you want in Iceland on your way or way back from Auschwitz.

Not true. Yeah. You really can. From anywhere. Okay. Yeah, not just from Auschwitz.

But they say, Hey, if you don't want to just stop for an hour, you can extend it to six days for free.

That's pretty rad. And stay in Iceland. Wow. Yeah. It's actually- How many times you've been to Iceland?

Three, maybe.

I only went once. I'm almost going to go back, maybe.

Reykjavik. Reykjavik, yeah. Reykvik is great.

The Reyk.

But the only problem is I went in the summer, so it never got dark. That's great.

Summer is the time to be there.

Dude, that fucked me up. Oh, no. I fucked me up. My travel schedule was weird anyway.

I couldn't go to bed. I had to work.

That was it. It wasn't for a party. I had to go interview the mountain from Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah, that's right. I was like, Fuck, dude, I'm on no sleep already. I was already flying from LA to New York, then New York to there. I was just doing plain not offs. Then when I got there to interview him that very next morning, and I maybe had three hours of sleep. He looks like he's wearing a fucking fake suit under his sweater. Dude, I got to tell you, that guy, he's so fucking badass.

Really? Like, scary, though. We ate lunch with this fucking guy.

How much did he eat? I'm not kidding. So at the gym. So he's like, I'll do interview at gym. So we go to the gym and he's like, I have to eat again. In the middle of our... It was a character, this Russian character. Isn't that rad? So in the middle of our interview, he's like, I'll do eat. And so we go into the... There was a cafe in the gym and he had... I couldn't even do this without hyperbolizing, but it looked like 10 chicken breasts. 10 chicken breasts, 2 bowls of vegetables, rice. What? Yeah, dude. He's eating all this food. And then when he's done, he goes, Okay, to work out. I said, Okay, I'm thinking we're going... That's a gym behind us. We're outside of a gym. This is his play pen. It's like a Rocks and that dumbbell right there. I tried to pick it up. It's like 250 pounds or something like that. It's comical. I think we're going back to this gym. No. We're getting in a production van, going to his private gym because he starts his day there. Then he goes to his private gym with all of his friends.

It was in a pretty fucking, you know, right? It's not that sketch, but pretty sketch. I was like, This is a little fucking off the beaten path. It was in the basement of what would be like a 711, like our 711s. It was like a convenience store in the back in the basement. There's these huge signs. It says, no armenyar, armenyar, with big crosses. It means no basically. Armenyar, no armenyar, or some shit like that. I'm like, Oh, who are these guys working out? One of his buddies was like, Mostly ex-criminal. I was like, Really? He's like, He likes to train with people that trained in prison. Wow. Because that's the work in Cedar. Yeah, because they're the best. I don't even know how you spell Arminyar. I do want to go back. It's so fun. It's such a cool place. Have you been to the north? Have you ever been to anywhere else? Just Reykivik. No, we went out to where the Hot Springs were, and then we went down south.

We never went up north.

No. What's up north? It's this land. It looks like Mars, just bubbling mud always.

That's cool. Yeah. The geysers there, the geyser. It's constantly just spurting out shit.

How many people die a year at the geyser in Iceland, do you think?

Too close? Yeah.

That's got to happen. There's no way that doesn't. Every time I go to a vacation spot and I think, How many people have died?

How many tourists have fucking died? There's a place called Takeout Beach there. It's just These waves come in, it's black sand, and they come in further than you think.

The Chinese, they want their pictures, so they keep going further out. They go, Hey, you shouldn't go out that far. They go, It's fine. It's fine. They see it come here. Then every seventh wave, but it just keeps going. It just pulls them out.They're gone.It's.

Called takeout. Takeout Beach. Takeout Beach. How much did it say? How many people die back then? Once they're out, they're just out. I love how you said the Chinese, they want their pictures. They do. They do. They want their pictures more than anyone. Yeah, because they're collecting data. That's not for personal interest. You can get a stipend from the government to go to tour if you- They're vague about it.

They don't get it. A number of people have died in recent years. Yeah, they don't want you to know because they don't want tours to be like, We're not going there.

That's what's so funny about when you whenever...

I had a joke about it years ago when I first did JFL, and I talked about the first time I went to Ireland, I went to the Cliffs of Moher. Moher. Cliffs of Moher. Yeah, that place is great, too. When I was there for the first time, I don't know what it's like now. There was no fence, no rope, no nothing. It was wet grass. Windy. Windy. I was like, there's no way tours don't get fallen.

I see little crosses there.

I know, but I'm like- They're right on the edge. How many people died putting a cross in for someone dead? For the kid who died? Yeah. But I had a joke about it that I said, it made me laugh to think, In America, you fucking, what does it say?

However- Nine deaths per year.

Nine deaths a year on average.

Twelve notable accidents. Yeah. No, but it made me think in America, they'd have a fence.

We'd have a guard with a gun, and if you did fall, shoot you before you could even die.

Get him.

It's not related. I saw that Norway, the castle they have by the edge on Oslo, and it's just there. I'm like, Yeah, in America, they would fence this. 100%. You can never get that close. You just sit on the edge. But then there's a piece of you that agrees with America and shit because then you go to those and you go, This is silly that I could do this.

I should die. This is insane. I'm drunk, going to visit cliffs with my friends on a bus.

There's no headcount. You know what I mean? They let you off, let you on. It did make sense. You're like, This should need a little baby net. Just something to be careful out there. Chill out. Yeah. No, the bus driver was like, All right. And that's it. We just went out. Then we were out for a couple of hours. It was windy and rainy. Then you would just lose people because it's huge. But it's also, we've talked about traveling a lot, you and I, but it's one of the most beautiful travel spots I've seen is the Edge of Ireland is one of those places where I was like, I get this. Yeah. You go from Cliffs of More, just a nearby city, and then just sit and drink and have them play their bands with four people playing in a corner, but they don't have any speakers.

So it's just quiet. No amplification. Yeah, you eat a pie and- I know. Savory pie. Just like, This is awesome. It is fucking awesome. And then walk back to here. The only problem is you do feel the... You ever see the Banshees of Inashieran? Did Did you watch that movie?

That was maybe the most boring piece of shit I've ever seen. You're a fucker. Wow, what a dumb fucking movie. I don't want to be friends with you. I'll cut my finger off to not be friends with you.

What the? Who cares? But I want to be friends It was so beautiful.

But I don't be friends with you, though.

Well, I don't want to be friends with you, dude. It showed how drab that world is. It's so sad. It's sad. Their sweaters are only come in gray. They can't make other colors. Colors don't grow out there. It's insane. But that movie reminded me of, yes, Ireland, gorgeous.

These northern European countries are gorgeous, but they're also dark and cold and wet all the fucking time.

I mean, even London.

Dude, if London didn't have a lot of hubbub about it, it'd be a fucking miserable place. It's just drab. It's just dreary. It's all the time. People go in June, I loved it. You went for the two months and it was nice. Yeah, the one time. When I was in school there, I was in Brighton by the water, and I was so fascinated by how everything was always wet.

You know a car commercial in America, the roads are always wet? You're like, No, there is no time when it dries. This is how they live wet.

Their bottom of their jeans, always wet. The bottom of your jeans are never not wet because you're walking There's always water. I went to Glastonbury, and I made an English friend. We were there the day before, and it was like, 81. He was like, Fuck. He was Irish. He was like, God damn it. We're like, Oh, it's such great weather. Glastonbury is always raining. He's like, Oh, fuck. Painful. Yeah. Make it go away. Make it stop. I think about that all the time.

Honestly, the average precipitation, 800 millimeters to 1400 millimeters. We got to compare what that is to here. We got to compare that to In New York, so I know what that means. You can't have that out of context.

31 inches a year is to what? To 55 inches. So 31 to 55 inches of rain a year in the UK. And what is it in fucking New York? 46, dude. More. Rains. No. In the middle. They're 55 and they're high. All right. And how about in California?

That's not that bad. How about in Cali? How about in LA? La. Just say Los Angeles. And you left LA, dude, for an average of- Twelve.12 inches.

Wow. Your dick. What a fucking lame move. Your dick in rain. Just twelve inches. You don't miss LA at all, though. No, I came back as soon as I landed. I was like, everyone's taking their dumb meetings. And it's like, self-obsessed people. The masks are still everywhere. But it's also like, it just sucks here. It sucks a little bit. People are doing fun things, but man, the industry, the industry is one of the lamest industries in the world. It's the worst. And it runs this town. Yeah, it is the worst. Well, let's do the comparatives. The reason New York sucks. The weather.

Who wants a woman who's intelligent?

Thank you. Take it away. Let's see what else. Oh, food all hours? God damn.

Different types of regions of Chinese food available at 2:45 AM every day on a Monday night. Don't try to get back in China's good graces after the camera comment. They heard it. New York. My biggest beef with New York is that you can't get away. You cannot get away. No, you're there. It just sprawls.

There's no nature. No. We had one park.

They fucked it up. They fucked it up. Now, all we got is fucking... I think when people say it's just a park, they think of a swing set.

They think of a little tiny park. Correct. It was hundreds of acres. No, they think of a little...

A seesaw and a digger. It wasn't that. Fahim said to me last time he was in New York, he goes, I think I'm LA because I like to get in my car and get away from people. Can't get in your car. I see. I like to take drives, and I really like to fuck off. My favorite thing is being like, Dude, I don't want to be around anybody for a little bit.

You can just be- In New York, it's an hour and a half before you're away from everybody.

Even then, and you're annoyed when you got there because you're like, I got to get home Something happened in my apartment.

Now I have to get back.

I got a hot tub in my place. You got a hot tub in the place that I went to? Yeah. Whoa. A little balcony. It's so nice to be outside with a bubble of no one's going to bother me.

It's just so wonderful there. How did you clear a hot tub up there? How the fuck did you do that? Paper? No, I just asked the super. I give them 300 bucks a year for. Is it cool if I put a hot tub up there? If you could put a car up here. He doesn't give a fuck.

He's like, This thing is concrete, bro. I'm being super ignorant.

A crane had to put that on there? No, it was one of the inflatable ones. It's like $7, $800, $800. Okay. No, but I mean, seriously, because...

Yeah, how would you get that?

The big ones have to be craned. Really? Yeah.

They're not going to allow that. How many humans have you into the hot tub on the roof at this point? Total? Yeah. List has been up there.

He was the first one in.

List would be the first one to get in there. I kept trying to get Sal to come. I was like, Come to my hot tub when you come over.

He's like, I don't know what this joke is, Ari.

I don't know what you're saying.

I kept saying it like, All right, then hot tub while you're there.

What do you think that his body insecurity?

No, he just didn't understand how someone could have a hot tub in Manhattan.

You think his body insecurity, though, that he doesn't want to take his shirt off and get in the tub?

For sure, he's going to put his shirt on in the hot tub.

For sure, he's a swimmer. Which of our friends would get in your hot tub, would not get in the hot tub because they didn't want to take shirt off and get in the hot tub? Sal, Big Jay. Big Jay is a shirt swimmer. Yeah.

Yeah, like always. I'm trying to think who else.

Shirt swimmers. Who else would not take their shirt off?

Bobby would take it off. Yeah, 100%. But I see Bobby leaving it on as well. No, he would take it off. Now he would. In these days, he would take it off. How about Soda, yes? Soda is taking a shirt off.

Yeah, taking a shirt off. Bargazzi? Interesting. Bargazzi was like, No one can know I'm friends with you, so I can do this. Yeah, that makes more sense. I can't have it come out. Yeah, that makes more sense. I can't have it come out.

He made you sign an NDA. Who else? Yeah. Who would- DiStefano couldn't wait. He'd go naked. Yeah, he'd jump in. Yeah, he'd 100% jump in.

Okay, this is the best.

These two. Okay. This is the This is the real misnomer. Norman. He's shirt off. He's shirt off party.

Yeah. But- Shirt on sex. Shirt on sex.

Shirt on sex, yeah. Every time I fucked him, he keeps a shirt on. He would be a shirt on sex guy. He has a good body. Nice body. You You know why he didn't take a shirt off during sex? Because he'd tell the girl, You haven't earned this. Work a little bit harder, then you get this. Work a little bit harder.

Back when he was single, it was the Bumble years when Bumble had just picked up off Tinder. Bumble, the girl has to reach out first. The woman has to reach out first.

Oh, right. He was so...

Because he's a good-looking guy. Handsome cat. Yeah. Then they'd reach out and they'd say something like, How was your week? He was like, That's your lead?

It's not that easy, is it? Do better. He It's great.

You're going to write back to him is nice. What about-Norman, who was the other one? What about Sam? Sam who? Morel. Morel. He's not getting in. He's not getting in. My back hurts. I don't know if the warm water is good. See, that's your guys.

You guys do that stuff.

Sam's a juju. See, it's funny because you look like a cartoon of a Jew. He acts like a Jew. He was complaining to me and Shane once. He was talking about flights.

He was like, It's just hard. My back hurts. I don't get on. It's hard to be stuck in a flight when you're tall.

It was like me and Shane, we're just like, You know Both same height. Both taller than you.

Same height. About within an inch of you, but probably higher. He's like, Oh, well. I'm like, Yeah, you just... You just say it. Jewish? Jewish, yeah. Just Jewish.

Yeah. Speaking of Jewish, I'm just letting you know. I'm still fine. But about 12 minutes ago, A diarrhea came down the chute so hard. You got it right now? Yeah. It's loaded up. I mean, it's going to be a...

Don't do it on these seats.

Is that why you're sitting like that? Yeah, maybe. Like a kid who has to shit? Yeah, it's possible.

I'm just letting you know, but... I don't want it to come out in these chairs.

Dude, I was on Durosas' Taste Buds, and he went to the bathroom and he was like, Hey, don't do anything, which all I heard was, Do anything.

Yeah, do everything. I just pulled my pants on.

I just rubbed my bear ass all over his chair.

I heard this story. I forgot about it. Then he was like, I've got a bone to pick with you.

I was like, What? He goes, I mean, what you did? I'm like, I honestly don't... This could go any direction. I have no idea what you're talking about. I wasn't trying to cover it up. I just have no idea what you mean. Then he told me, and I started laughing, and then realized, Oh, you're legit mad. I shouldn't be laughing in this face. He was very mad. I heard about this from DeRosa. That's funny. I heard the other side of it. Livid. He was mad that no one told him, too. Oh, yeah. Because Sal was in the room? No, no. Pimp was in the room. Oh, just Pimp? Yeah, Pimp and Benete.

They were like, You should have stopped him. And V didn't say anything. No, they're like, You should have stopped him. I'm like, No, what do you mean?

Somebody's going to stop the comedy?

They can't stop you.

That's not their job. They can't stop you.

That's not their job.

Their job is to roll. By the way, if they come try to stop you, even funnier footage. Oh, you don't think you're getting my dick on you?

You do think you're not getting my dick on you? I I have one weapon and it's cocked.

Jeroza didn't give me that story. He was so fucking upset. He was so bad. He was very upset. Did you guys make up or not?

Yeah, we made up. What was that? Was this a phone call? We were on air at Bonfire, and he was like, I got to do this. I got to do it on air so I can do it.

I was a little bit too emotional. I was like, Okay. He told me and I was like, It was funny. Then he was like, Dude, it's not fair. We had to clean that. That made me laugh more. They had to steam clean the fucking thing because Sal's such a germaphobe, of course.

Yeah, they did probably steam clean it.

When Sal was like, You know I had to steam clean that thing and I was like, Well, it was over, do so. Yeah.

Time to clean out your chairs. Yeah. Also, what do you want me to do? Nopy me? Yeah, you have to be you. Come on. All right, go take a shit. You guys, I want to thank Ari Shafir for being on the show and not shitting him on my chairs. We end the episode the same way. Say one word or one phrase into that camera. One word or one phrase, go. Diarrha. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like bampers, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are huge as well.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.