What up, Whisky Ginger fans. Welcome to the show. Welcome back to the show. Welcome to the show. It, subscribe it, pass it around, give it to a friend, let him know what's up. Bobby Kelly's on the show today. Robert E. Kelly. Robert Elizabeth Kelly. That's his full and legal name. Go see him. He's so funny. Bobby Kelly is one of my sweetest pals. I love him to death. They got cigar smoking widow. And go see me. I'm doing a club run to do my new jokes for my new hour. Just doing a couple of clubs. I'll do theaters down the road, maybe at the end of the year. But I'm in Houston, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, San Francisco. That's it. Houston, Europe first, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, and then San Francisco. Tickets are sold out on a bunch of different shows, so go get those right now at AndrewSantino. Com. Go to AndrewSantino. Com. Enough rambling from the old red-boned beard boy. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the Ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugival. You owe me $5 for the Whisky and $75 for the horse.

Ginges, oh, hell, no.

This Whisky is excellent. Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that from, I guess, but I mean it once again, today, it's the return of Robert Kelly.

Rp Kelly.

Okay, let me tell you something. First of all, you're wearing municipal sneakers I saw outside. Those are Mark Wahlberg shoes.

This is his brand.

You also lost a little bit of weight since last time I saw you. Congratulations. How about? How about? Well, you avoided You did see me when I was in New York three weeks ago. No, I did not. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. I tried to see you. You made it way tough on yourself. That's such a lie. I tried to see you made it tough on yourself.

That is a lie.

No.

You've learned so much living here.

Let me tell you something, pal. You've learned so much. Let me tell you something. First of all- First of all- Who's more Hollywood than you? You're the one that shot, I have a shoot today. I'm staying up at the so-and-so hotel. I'll be eating breakfast and then meeting with some Hollywood executives.

That's you. You canceled last night because I was there. You know why I canceled? Yeah, because I was there.

No. Do you know really why I got canceled? Why did you cancel? Because my cat got hit by a car. Are you happy now? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, dude.

Are you happy?

I'm not happy.

Are you laughing at me?

I am not laughing.

My cat got hit by a car. Don't.

I'm not. Don't. I'm not.

My cat got hit by a car. Just give me a second. My cat got hit by a car. Let me say... Stop it. That's not funny.

It's not funny.

Open your eyes and look at me when I say it.

Just give me one second just to get it together. Okay, what happened?

I cancel last night because my cat got hit by a car. It's so funny. I don't have a cat. I don't have a But the idea of a cat getting hit by a car, why is that funnier than a dog? Because a dog, you go, Oh, no. But a cat, you go, I don't know.

A dog is just awesome. A cat is just... It's like owning a squirrel. Who gives a shit?

Yeah, it's a little rat.

I mean, look, I like cats.

I do. I know. I can tell.

I like cats.

There's a piece of you. There's a little piece of a lesbian inside of you. That's why you like cats. There's a huge piece of you.

There's a massive duck in me. I want a Suzuki truck so bad. Oh, I do. You mean Subaru? No, I want the Suzuki. You don't know about the Suzuki. You're like a Japanese lesbian? You know nothing about lesbians. When that's Suzuki Jeep. That's not true. You know the Jeep?

I'll be honest with you. I thought that you were Jessica Kirsten. I thought that's who was coming today. Today? Yeah.

Well, guess what? Hello.

Also, I see something. Can I comment about this? What's going on? Do you get a brand new timepiece on your wrist there? What?

Show off, huh? The Skydwell? Wow, dude. The Skydwell?

You're a big boy now, huh? You're a big fancy. I got Munises. You got on the Munis. I got the Munis. And you're wearing all black. You're very- I got some true classics. This is very LA- This is not LA. This is this hip cool LA- This is not LA, dude.

Not anymore. What is this? La people are wearing weird shit, man.

Am I wearing weird shit? I'm wearing just slacks and- You dress like a golf pro from the Midwest.

Hell, yeah.

That's exactly what I wish I would be.

That's your thing, dude.

Well, I got because these are comfy. I like comfy shoes.

You're a two-colored Pete. Two-colored Pete. That's what you are. You're a two-colored Pete. I got two colors at all times. And you're a one-colored Paul. Blue, gray, black, white, yellow. You don't wear a lot of colors. Look, I didn't say it as an insult. Don't make it an insult.

No, but two-colored Pete does sound like an insult.

Look, white people like a couple colors.

Whoa, wait a minute. I like all the colors.

Not at once.

There's not one color person out there that I don't like.

Whoa.

What? You said white people only like a few colors.

Yeah. Wearing pants and clothes. Not the people. I thought you're talking about people. No, no, no. I'm so sorry. We were like, One.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, right here.

Hello.

No, we have to be careful because our skin tone... Look, this is a bold leap, but it's just an accent.

No, that's a very showbiz thing. You peacock with an ankle. Just an ankle time. This is what you do. It's like two colors, Earth tones Then pow, boom, bang.

In a meeting, I go, say that again.

Then they go, Oh, nothing. How much do you need? Yeah.

800 mil.

That's great. I love those. So where did you get those?

Oh, God. They shipped them to me. Who did?

Zing Wang. Zing Wang?

It's a designer.

Zing Wang. Those are Zing Wang?

Yeah, these are Zing Wang.

I didn't know that. Didn't Zing Wang just get a thing from Netflix?

Yeah, Zing Wang has a brand new show on Netflix.

A brand new flow of a show on Netflix.

Are you on the road right now, by the way, what are you doing out here in LA? I don't even know why you're here.

I'm going to tell you why I'm here. Please. My friend's niece, my other friend, who... My Calta's brother, John Calta, his niece got a scholarship.

To UCLA.

No, to- To USA. No. Maybe. One of those UC somethings.

Uc Santa Barbara, UC San Diego, UC Davis, UC Berkeley, UC... I don't know, a UC school.

One of those. She got a... She want to grant one of the things with her school. She's making a document about his dad. He quit his job. He's going to start to stand up a little bit. Oh, no. What? Not for a career.

Okay.

What?

I guess my lifelong thing is your hobby, your throwaway hobby. No. That's how I feel about you, too, because you don't take it serious. This is like a throwaway hobby to you.

Why would I take this stupid thing serious?

He's going to do stand up what? Just as a bit?

What do you got?

I have a bubbly water.

You didn't ask me for You don't deserve bubbles.

You brought your own coffee and you said you wanted water. You said you wanted to cold regular water. That's what that is. All right.

I didn't know there was bubble. Don't get chirpy with me, dude.

Don't get chirpy with me.

Is that cold bubble? Is that cold bubble?

This guy's going to do stand up and you're teaching him.

You lost weight, too, dude.

Well.

It hurts when you say it.

It's the Ozempic.

It's hurt, isn't it?

I'm on the Oz.

When somebody says to a thin guy, You lost weight, was I fat? It fucked you a little bit, right?

No, I wasn't fat.

To me, it makes me feel fantastic.

Well, for guys like my size.

You look good right now.

Because I didn't look good last time he saw me?

No, see, it hurts.

No. You scumbag.

It really does hurt, though.

I'm on the odds, that's why.

Why are you taking Ozempic?

I'm trying to get down to 135. Back to my old weight. Go work out.

It's unfair. That's for diabetics.

No, I'm doing it. I want to be 6'1, 135. You're not taking Ozempic.

No.

Are you out of your mind?

God. I have to take everything you say with a grand of salt.

You should eat less salt. That's something my doctor told me to tell you.

What? Your doctor knows me?

He said, Tell Bobby to eat less salt. Is he a fan? Yeah, he's a huge fan. He loves you.

Dude, when you came to New York, first of all- I'll be back in two weeks. Okay, wait.

Let's stop. We'll have dinner.

You were there. You were there and made the rounds.

Yeah, I went around. Yes. Yeah, I did the round. I got it.

This is why I get you. You're a fast talker. You're a slippery walker. But you know what? You ain't a fucking day stalker. I made that round. I didn't think I was going to.

It was pretty good. It was good. But you did it with a Boston accent. You did day stalker.

Day stalker, five times.

Yeah, that's why it sounded better because day stalker walker wouldn't have been good. Day stalker walker. I made the rounds. I did the club. I asked Liz where you were.

You made the rounds on.

Then you sent one of your friends to goons to see if I wanted to do the podcast.

He got in trouble for that.

Did he really?

Well, he's supposed to do that.

I was going to say yes.

He's supposed to do that. But he saw you and he panicked and he didn't know what to do. Should I ask him? And he just went for it. And he got a fucking hot one from Liz.

Not from me. I was very nice to him. I like the kid, but Liz yelled at him pretty bad. But what are you going to do? That's what she does. She's going to crack the whip. She is intensely fucking scary. Is she still on your show?

No, she's never on my show.

She popped in when I was there.

She comes in once in a while.

But she doesn't ever sit in more often.

No. When she comes on, she's great. But the last time she sat on with a comic, she made the comic very sad.

Who was it?

I forget. It was like a newer dude, and she was trashing his new special. Oh, no. Saying how stupid it was.

Was it stupid, the special?

When you get Orange socks.

But you came in and did everybody's podcast. No, not everybody's. Dan Sauter. One. That's it? No.

Who else did I do? You know you did. Who else did I do? Spit it out. What did I do? Say it.

Ian Fydance. Bang, two.

Who else? Come on.

That's it.

No. Who else did I do? One more. Spit it out. I don't know. I really- Split it out.

No, I have a bad memory.

You don't have a bad memory. You're the thing that's using that as an excuse. You have a photographic memory.

Jessica, I don't remember who else.

Bang, what?

Who else, Jessica?

You did one more. Who? You know what? No, I didn't. After I did Soda. You made the rounds. I did Soda- You made the rounds.

And Ian finance and Jordan Jensen. That's all I did. You made the rounds. I did Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope.

Boom, bang, ding.

Those are my boys, dude.

Three. I love them.

You didn't ask me. You didn't say, Come by upstairs.

Buddy, you didn't tell me you were making the rounds.

But when I sneak into town- You sneak in. I sneak in and I just try to do a couple of things and get out. And by the way, my real boys, my real down dogs, my boys. Your boys. Like Norman, he invites me to perform at the Beacon with him. Not you.

When was that at the Beacon?

Exactly.

Well, you want to get better in my career? That's exactly right.

So we could be more friends. That's exactly right. Yeah.

I have I will work on this. I will push my career to the next level.

You get to a place when you're playing the Beacon, I'll come over.

We're big.

Then we're back. Then we're back.

Buddy, fuck the Beacon. I'm going to play Madison Square Garden. Dude, I'm going to make it happen.

You think you're going to play MSG? I'm going to make it happen. In how many years? I'm going to book it. How many years you're going to book it?

It cost $2.50 to book it. I'm going to put a mortgage in my house. I'm going to book it. I don't care if I make $13 back.

You're going to do it just to do it.

Dude, I tell you what.

You know how fun it'd be if we booked a stadium show but didn't Can we sell any tickets?

If we booked the master's, if we just took a loan out, you wouldn't have to because you're loaded. But if you took money and I took a loan out and we got 200, I think it's $250 to rent the garden, something like that, one something, maybe 200, we We rent it and we just go, Look, we're playing the garden. We rented it already. We paid for it. We have to sell these tickets. I think people would buy it just for the first time in the hell of it. No.

Huh? No. We would sell a thousand tickets.

I'd have to lose my house.

You would lose your family and your home.

It'd be worth it.

No, it wouldn't. Your wife is lovely, dude. Because that's what we do. No, your wife is lovely. That's what we do. Where are you going to go next? What's your turn to? You're not going to get on fucking Hinge. Can you imagine?

I'm going to fucking produce this show. Can you imagine? I'm going to be a producer.

If you get back on the apps, what a nightmare that would be.

What do you mean? I never was on the apps.

That's what I mean.

If your wife- We did an app.

If your wife left you and you get on the apps, what's your profile picture?

Dude, I get on Grinder.

You haven't taken a good picture in 20 years.

You get on Grinder, it makes it easy. Grinder is so easy, dude. It's not like that Tinder shit. They come to you. Dude, you don't go for the same sex, will you? Right. Not at 53, you go Grinder.Yeah, you go Grinder.I'm in the area. Put a little picture of my belly button, the hairy belly button. Maybe my little, my any.

You have an Audi, though.

I take a picture of bubble gum, spit into an afro. I go, This is me. You want some of this? You in for this? Slopy bottom auto.

You're a dirty boy, dude. What are you really doing in town? You're shooting that thing.

I told you, dude. I came in. My friend, look at me, Mike Calta.

Your friend's daughter's going to college. She got a thing. You shot something for her.

Yeah, she wanted me to do it. Of course, I wanted to do it. I love these guys.

You traveled across the country just for that. No shows.

Dude, let me tell you something. During the pandemic, Mike Kaltta and his brother saved my life.

How?

Mike Kaltta. I had 50 gigs canceled in one night. My agent called me. He goes, They're gone. I go, What? All the gigs? I go, Which ones? He goes, All of them. They're gone. Then I was literally faced with, Oh, shit. I'm not essential. I don't know what the fuck to do. You're essential to some of us. Well, not many. Then Mike Coulter, I called him up. I go, Dude, I don't know what the fuck to do. He goes, We'll do a podcast every day. I'll get my fans. You get your fans. We'll do a Patreon. Whatever money it is, you take it. We did that for a year and a half. He did a show, number one radio show in Tampa. He would do his show, and then we do our show for an hour or so seven days a week. From New York or where he was? He was in Tampa. We were on StreamYard. We did that, and he never took a dime.

He just let me- That's one of the nicer stories I've ever heard, and I mean it. That's beautiful.

I'm telling you. So when they called... And his brother, I was in a shed. I didn't even have a studio. I had a fucking shed. No heat.

What do you mean? Your studio was a shed?

Did you go back? Amish Mike made a shed.

Built you a shed?

Amish people.

Built you Amish Mike built you a shed?

I had a shed. I had a shed that you could be in in the summer. I was out there in the winter. His brother got me a heater.

A little space heater?

A little space heater, but a nice one. No. I swear to God. There is no nice one. Dude, it's made of wood. It's got little flames going up.

A little fake flame. I've seen this. Nice one. Yeah, that's fancy.

Sent me that. Then we did the show, dude. I mean, literally, I was fine, but the psychological, my gigs are gone. Everything's gone. I'm not doing... I'm not going to do stand up in front of a green. I can't do it. I just can't. I was past the point of that in my career. So saved my life. So he asked me to do whatever you need. You would do anything for him? I'm doing great right now. Fantastic. At the Bonfire with Big Jay.

You took over for Soda.

Took over for Soda.

I got asked to do that show with you guys.

Yeah, you did, but you didn't.

Yeah, I I said no. No, you had to do a podcast. Well, there was one of the guys I didn't like on it. Yeah. But Big Jay is a good guy.

Hey, wait a minute, dude.

I'm talking about you. They asked me if I wanted to do it when I'm doing a press run when I come back to New York, and I said, Sure. Yeah.

I said, Sure. Yeah, we got that. I didn't really replace Dan. I took over for Dan.

What is replace and take over? What's the difference?

Replace means replace what was there. No. Takeover means I'm going to take over the spot.

Takeover sounds worse.

I didn't I actually intervened.

Takeover sounds way worse. I intervened. Takeover sounds you took it away from him. I didn't take over.

No, you replaced him. I didn't say takeover. Yeah, you did. I did not.

I said replace. You said takeover.

You said takeover and replaced. Yeah, it's both. You said it.

Well, you did both.

I intervened.

How about this? You did neither. I saved. You did neither. You tanked the show. I did not. You popped in and you tanked it. I did not. Sirius called me today. They said the numbers are terrible.

Numbers up.

They go, since Bobby has been there, it's in the shit.

Dude, numbers are up. You know what they said to me?

Get Kalt on the phone. Who's Kalt? He'll pump this thing up. He would.

He's good.

He's very smooth.

He's smooth. I saw your buddy Bobby last night. Yuck. What was he doing? I'm telling you right now, he brought me up. I had to follow him at the store. Was that your spot? Did he take your spot?

I was right after him.

Right after him. So I took your spot.

You took my spot, yeah.

Or you were after me, whatever.

No, no, when Bobby then me.

Bobby then you, then me? Yeah. And you canceled?

I had to.

Why?

I was out late at a dinner with some friends, and I got home, and my wife and I were like, You want to just have sex in that dear spot? And I said, I'd much rather do that. So we made sweet love, and I skipped my spot. That's the God's honest truth. Really? Yeah, we got home after dinner. We were feeling funky, and I was like, Let's I'm just going to fucking go at it.

So what was it? Three, four minutes? What happened? You know what, dude? You didn't take that.

You know what, dude? Don't.

You made love? Did you make love? How long was it?

You want to make me blush? Yeah, we made a little love.

How long was it?

Well, we have to stop and start. Did you do this? We have to stop and start because I have to stretch. You have to stretch? Every 15 minutes when I'm fucking, I have to stretch. I have to do a couple of toe touches. You know my back issues? So I get on the...

It's so weird that you have back issues of fucking 40?

40. That's when it starts.

No, it doesn't.

When does it start? I don't know. Well, when you're an athlete, you get hurt earlier.

You have old Jew back.

Oh, my God. It is. Every time I get up, I have an old man back, and I'm getting hip injections now. For what?

Stop doing stuff to yourself.

No, man, I need it. It helps. This is good. I have a hip impingement.

A hip impingement? Yeah.

I like that word. Hip impingement. I love impingement. It's impingeing me.

I love hip impingement.

I'm getting needles thrown in me with goop inside of it.

What's that thing that goes sideways up a hill? A funicula? I like that, too. Careful.

A funicular?

A funicular.

A funicular.

A funicular. You know the things that go up the side of the hill?

Oh, the little box?

It's called the finicular. No, it's not. A hundred %.

Bet me $1,000. Okay. What's the name of the thing, Google?

Don't ask it.

What's the name of the thing that goes Who's up the hill? Finicular?

That's fucking anything. That could be a groundhog.

It derives the Latin word finiculus, meaning rope. A phenicular is the rope.

And it uses the rope.

No, but it's not the lift portion. Nice try, buddy.

Do the fucking...

14 fabulous pheniculars from around the globe. I got to tell you, that is beautiful.

1,000 bucks.

14 fabulous pheniculars from around the globe.

Say that, 14 fabulous pheniculars from around the globe.

14 fabulous pheniculars from around the globe.

You have to use your mouth like shee-shee when you do that. 14 fabulous. Come on, cat. Come on, cat.

Come on, cat. You got to be doing it. I took a funicular up in Palm Springs. You can take it from Palm Springs. It's hot, hot, hot. You go all the way up to the top of the mountain and there's snow up there. Yeah, funicular. I took a funicular.

I love a funicular.

You're one of my favorite funiculars.

You're a funicular.

Don't funicular me, pal.

I'll funiculate you. I'll funiculate you right now.

I'm serious.

With this finger.

Don't funiculate me.

I'll funiculate you, you fucking funicky.

It's a word that sounds like it might be racist or wrong or It's not rude or mean, but it's not. Disgusting, yeah. Something sounds off about it.

Phenicular. It's the icular. It's the word ick. Which is your disease for fish? Did you know fish get that disease? What? Ick. They get the ick? It's called the ick. It's the greatest name for any sickness ever.

You got the ick?

Fish get it, and it's called ick.

What is that?

It's a disease that fish get.

And what is it?

It's called ick. What does it do to the fish? I'm not a fish doctor. They die. Fish gets ick and you die. What happens you think when you get a fucking ick? You Rye. In here, we pour whiskey.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

I saw your boy last night.

This is how he brings me up on stage. This motherfucker.

Listen, man. The Chinese guy?

I thought he was-He's Chinese. He's Chinese. What noodle is that?

Is that the big ones? Farfalle?

The big cold ones or is that the little ones? Udon. Udon, right?

Yeah. No, he's ramen thin. There's ramen Thicke, ramen Thin.

So racist.

He's ramen Thicke.

He brings me out last night.

How?

I mean, it's un fucking believable.

Shows you a lot of love. No. Shut up.

He goes, Give it up for this guy. I've known him for a long time, for 25 years. That's a fucking guy. You've seen him out. He did a tourgasm.

Brought upTorgasm.

Torgasm. Good. He used to do the O be an Anthony show.

Great. Nothing recent.

He was on the Titanic. He survived. I mean, this dude. They loved it, though, didn't they?

They didn't know what he was talking about. Yeah, but then once you came out there, they were so happy to see you.

I was like, he just gave me the oldest credits ever.

You're on the Titanic.

Torgasm.

Torgasm, baby. O be an Anthony. Don't you wish you could go back?

To Torgasm? Yeah. I wish I could.

Don't you wish? Tell me that wasn't one of the best times of your life, though.

Really? No. I mean, here's the thing with Torgasm.

Yeah, what was it? What was the thing? I don't give a shit. Are you working on a new hour?

I'm trying.

I can't wait to see a new hour from you.

I'm trying, dude. I watch Collins. Yeah, but here's the problem with Colin.

That he's a genius? Yeah. What's the problem?

He's fucking amazing. He's so- Good? Okay. Solid? Yeah. But he'll take these things and write about them, and it doesn't even make sense. How do you make the Constitution funny? How do you make the Bill of Rights funny? And he'll take these subjects and he spends so much time on them, and he's just an asshole from Brooklyn. But he's so good, so fucking good. Every time I watch him, I'm like, I should just stop. You know what, dude? Let me get a thing in Vegas, or let me go to some island and do Atlantic City, maybe for you. You know what? While I'm down, while I'm down, right in the fucking rib.

You could get a- You know what? You could get a residency out here.

I don't want a- Like Yamava. Yamava? I hope your career dies.

This is the beginning of it.

Trust me. This is the one? This is the beginning of it. You know what I am a mush of? I am a mush of one thing. What? Festivals. What does that mean? Swag. I'm a swag mush.

You love swag?

First of all, you're a swag.

No, you're a swag. You're a swag. You're a swag. You're a swag.

You're a swag.

I'm wearing swag. You are a swag. What do you mean you're a swag mush?

I'm a swag mush. When you go to the festivals, you go to the things and they have great swag, like a hoodie. I remember at the Aspen, the year before they had puffy coats, Aspen, HBO. I show up, there's a hat, and they didn't even give me one. I had to go beg for my hat because everybody had a hat. It was like the one with the little buckle. I was like, Can I have my hat? They're like, I don't know if we have any more. I didn't get my hat. The Vegas Festival, the year before, they gave out like, laptops. I show up, I got a fucking notepad. No pen. It's a notepad. I go to Montreal the year before, they're giving out all kinds of hats and jackets and hoodies. I show up, I get maple syrup and oil. They gave me oil.

Why Why do you think that they're screwing you?

I kill Swag. I'm a swag killer.

Why?

I don't know. When I show up, someone does a budget and they go, We don't need this. Get them oil.

They just push you off like you're not important. They don't know who you are. They haven't heard your act. Because if they heard your act, you'd get good swag because they would hear your act and they'd go, This guy could use a hoodie.

This guy needs clothes. This guy needs some stuff.

Sometimes I get sent stuff from people. Honestly, you do get swag sometimes.

No, I love swag.

But I get it sometimes, and I don't know what to do with it because it's stuff that I probably most likely would never wear.

What?

Like municipal shoes. You know what?

Go fuck your slip-ons. I actually love those shoes.

I think they look comfortable.

Yeah, they look comfortable. Most comfortable sneaker. That Hoka. The Hoka's are good. Hoka's are great, but this shoe is so comfortable.

What are those, though? Which version? Are those the Geriatrics? Which one of those?

You know what? I hope one of your nipples falls off. I hope it gets taken off. I hope your cat does die. I hope you do get a cat. I don't have a cat. But I hope you get one. I hope you get one. Okay. And the first week when it dies, just go like this. Fucking Bobby.

Fucking Bobby. Bobby. You have animals? I have a dog. I worked with Mark Wahlberg on a movie that bombed really bad. Which one? It's called Me Time with Kevin Hart.

Did you think it was going to do good?

No, I think we knew it was Really? You know what's so fuck when you know something's bad? It's the same feeling when you're on the road and it doesn't matter if it's a full house. The crowd feels weird that night when you're like, God, this is fucking weird. What's going on? And the opener of the host is like, Sorry, man. You know that feeling? When you're like, I'm going to flip them. But why is this the mood that everyone is? It's almost like they all came from different places, ate different meals, did something different during the day, but they walked in the door and they all looked at each other like, Mm-hmm, fuck this. Yeah, fuck this. That's exactly how on set we were like, it was funny, but we were all like, Is something wrong? Something was... I don't know. I don't even know how to describe that.

Okay, but you can't... Here's the thing with that. With a standup set, you can pull the parachute. You can just go, Fuck it. Your face sucks. And just fucking, you ever blow a kid? You can just go into whatever.

You said, blow a kiss. You ever blow a kiss?

Yeah, what I say. Right, you said that. I said, kiss.

Yeah, you said kiss.

Yeah, you said kiss. I said kiss.

Sure. You said Kids, kiss, kiss.

But you just go crazy. In a movie, you can't pull a parachute. You just got to trudge forward.

If you say something you think is going to be funnier for the scene, it bombs always.

There's no way to just stop it. No.

You just have to let it go.

Is everybody doing that?

I think you collectively feel the mood of people when shit goes bad like that.

Was Mark cool or did he get- It was nice, but I could tell he was trying to get through that scene. Every day was All right, let's go.

It was very, Let's hurry up and do it. Really? Yeah.

That's not fun.

No, we had fun. You had fun? I had fun, but it was also like, this is the thing about a guy at his level. Same thing with Kevin Hart. These motherfuckers have 30 jobs.

Who's Kevin Hart?

He's the tall, skinny, Korean comedian. Oh, the kid?

Yeah, on Kill Tony, right? On Kill Tony, yeah.

That's Kevin Hart. Hey, I'm Kevin Hart. He would be gone. The moment it was done, he was gone. You could tell he was like, When they're that famous, it's another project.

Like Dracula, he just turned into bats and just… And then disappear.

Yeah. Wow.

They would just go. Because they have to do shit.

Yeah, they're busy. We're losers. We're hanging. I'm like, you want to do more?

But he used to be a loser. He used to be a loser. He used to be one of us. Sure, I guess.

No, he's still one of us. He's still one of us. Standup, but he's famous.

He's famous. He's famous. He's famous. He's famous. He hates me right now. Why? Because I call You talk shit about him? I texted him some shit because he didn't promote Big Jay Special, and they came up together. I had his real number. I'm one of the last few that had it. I texted him. I was like, Why don't you promote your fucking friend Special, you piece of shit? He wrote back. He was like, I'm sitting here in a movie set in a director's chair, filming a movie right now. I didn't know. How can you come at me like that? Kevin Hart pep talk, Tony Robbins talk.

You don't know.

We don't know. He's good. I'm on a set. How am I supposed to promote something if I don't know that it's going to be there?

It's like a hip hop song.

Don't do that. Then that, and then But I don't know.

No, no, no, no. Now he hates your guts.

Well, then he wound up promoting it, but he was like, Maybe you should not come at me, blah, blah, blah.

Well, don't come at him.

You know what? Fuck you.

You're out of line.

You're out of line.

It's not your special.

You are in Fame land.

I'm not. I'm not famous, buddy. I'm out of it. You're as famous as anything.

I'm going to tell you right now. Let me tell you something right now.

You know how many people I've called and I say, Who's the funniest guy that you know in my group of friends? You know who they say every single time? Who? Who they say every time?

Billy Bur. Shane Gillis. I'm not going to say Shane's funny.

They do say you, though. God damn Shane's funny. People love you.

Shane makes me sick how funny he is. But anyways, I He texted him that, and he fucking came back at me. Came back at me. Jay never texted him. Jane never stepped out of it.

Yeah, he was above that.

No, he's not above it. He's beneath it. He's scared of it. He's scared. I'm not scared. I step up for my new partner in crime. Soda would have never done that. You know who did it? Not Dan. That's who did it. Not Dan. Not Dan. Two thumbs this way, which I've done my whole life.

This is not Dan. Me. This is not Dan.

Not Dan. I go and do it. I take a fucking hit. I burn a fucking bridge.

Big time. Big bridge, by the way.

Promotion Promotes a special, watches the special, promotes it, then has it on his serious or his podcast. So they're like pals now. I reconnected them and I'm cut off. You're out. I'm out. You're out. I'm out.

But you deserve it.

Oh, God.

No, you deserve to be out. Then you'll get drawn back in.

I'm trying to get you to fix it. You'll get drawn back. I can't do it anymore.

I need you to get famous. You want me to call Kev? No. I'm going to call him right now.

I'll call him. Oh, God. Go ahead, call him. You don't have the balls.

Really? No, you don't. All right, watch this.

He won't pick up.

Did you really text him?

I did text him. He won't pick up.

I'm going to call him right now. How funny would this be? I'm going to call him. Let's see if he picks up. He's not going to pick up. I'm going to try.

There's no way he's going to pick up. He's not going to pick up. Your movie bombed.

The movie didn't bomb because of me.

It was partly your fault.

No.

Read the reviews, dude.

He's got to pick up. This guy, he always picks up. When I call Kevin Hart, he picks up. All right, there we go. You know what?

I bet he's- Why don't you want me to call him?

He's probably in a hot tub or something.

Let me call him. How funny it would be if he picks up for me. I would love it. How funny would it pick up?

What's up, man? Hey. Here we go.

Hey.

Let's go. You go ahead and call him and let's see.

Welcome to the right. Wow, right. That's fast I mean, I'm on another thing. He put me on a... I'm blocked. Wow. I mean, dude, that was fast.

You're actually blocked.

I think I'm blocked.

That's the saddest shit I've ever seen.

I'm not even unblocked. I'm on just send him somewhere else.

That's a cease and desist over the phone.

This is the problem with me, dude.

No, there is no problem with you. Listen, it's a problem with me. You're a beautiful, lovely, funny, sweet, caring, a great father, a great husband, a great friend, a great comedian. What else? Don't break the fucking chair. Don't shake it and break it. That's old school.

You're too good of a guy for this town.

No. In this town, I mean Hollywood. I want you to quit the biz immediately.

No, I'm not quitting the biz. Please get out.

I'm going to become Hollywood Bob.

I'm going to I'm going to become Hollywood Bob. I've been talking to Colin Quinn about this. What do you want to be when you grow up?

What does Hollywood Bob mean?

This is, Hey, how are you doing, man? Good. How are you? Good to see you, really.

Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you.

Thank you for having me on, man. This is a beautiful studio. Oh, wow. That's amazing. That's that mosaic guy, right? Yeah. Fantastic stuff here, man.

Thanks, brother.

I wanted to say this before we went any further. You and Bobby Lee together, whatever that is, dude, that is It's magic, lightning in a bottle, and you shook it because it's insane. The tour you guys are doing, man, everybody's talking about that. Time out.

Yeah. Here's the deal of Hollywood, Bob. What you're saying is, you, by turning into Hollywood, Bob, you're saying all the things that you know to be untrue. It's not a good studio. The tour is not impressive. It's not lighting in a bottle. No, you're being facetious through a character.

I am not being facetious.

I know you don't know what that word means, but you're being rude through a character.

Dude, first of all, I know what facetious means. What does it mean? First of all, it's from the Greek word funicula. No, it's not. It means cat killer. It means what? Cat killer.

Cat killer? Yeah. Okay, take a sip. Vesecious means- Honestly, take a sip. Vesecious means- Clear your throat for a second.

Vesecious means, don't you cut me off on your show, vesecious means to make fun of the facetiusism.

I got to call him one more time. No, no. I'm going to call Kevin again and see what he's saying. It just can't go right.

God, I'm on something. I'm I'm sorry, Kev.

Have I ever not picked up the phone when you call me, by the way? I call you every time. You call me. Maybe that's the wrong- I pick up every time.

You do, man. Let me tell you, honest to God, can I say something real about you?

Let me move on to something else before you talk.

The cigar thing. Yes.

Is your wife cool with it or does she hate it?

I want to say something.

Here's why I ask. Oh, you power-figured me. Yeah, I'll do. I'll power you. I did the power- I'm going to finger you down. See? No, sit.

Don't you fucking treat me like you're a dead dog.

Do you want a treat?

Oh, you're cat dog. When you get home after smoking one, does she care?

No. Does she like the way it smells? Yeah. Because some women are attracted to the smell.

Yeah. Old-school women who fucking like men. Okay.

Not every man is going to smoke a cigar. That doesn't make you a man because you smoke cigars.

Yeah, it does.

No, it makes you a man because you have a pair of balls. That's what makes you a man.

Not today. That's literally it. Not today. Yes. That makes you a woman, too. No, it doesn't. Yeah, it does. No, No. Buddy, you want to see something fucked up?

Yeah, please. You're going to show me, dude.

No, I'm going to show you something right now. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Watch. No, my God. Oh, God.

For people at home, there was a man. There's a man saved on Bobby's phone who could stuff his nuts in his ass and farted them out.

My producer from my podcast- That's someone you know?

No way.

No, he said it to me today. That's amazing. I was asking for clips from my podcast. He goes, How about this one? He said, That one? And you said that one. I'll never unsee it. It's the greatest thing ever.

That's probably the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

To put both of your balls in your ass? Both of them in the ass and then shit them out. He shit them out. He had his balls in his ass and then pushed them out.

The image is in my mind now. I keep thinking how impressed. That's so impressive.

It's impressive.

That's got to be on Broadway. You got to put that on a show.

It should be the end of every movie. Remember, that's all folk. They just have that come up and go,.

I went to... This reminds me. There was a show that used to be in West Hollywood called The Puppetry of the Peans.

Yes, they had it in New York, too. Did you ever go? I did, and I wanted to. Incredible. I heard it was great.

They can tie their cock in knots. It's unbelievable.

You have to have a big droopy nerd dick.

Here's what's interesting. Doesn't need to be thick. Got to be long. A lot of skinny dicks.

Ari Shafir. Exactly correct. He can make a sailboat with that.

Long skinny drooper.

Yeah, that guy. He can make a train.

He could make a train? Yeah. Yeah.

He could make a hamburger.

Take it again. Sorry. One more. Let's hear it again.

You can make a tent.

Are you excited to go on the show with me tonight?

I'm not on the show with you tonight.

You just said you're on the improv tonight. I canceled it. Wait, seriously?

Yeah, I got to make love to my wife tonight.

Fuck you.

Whatever. You're a piece of shit. My cat died.

I canceled because I wanted to be- With your wife. You know what? Because I had been done too many shows, I was burnt. I was working all day, and I said, I don't think I'm going to make it. She said, Stay home. Let's watch a movie in bed. Make it frisky. How do you turn that down? You can't. It's just hard these days.

I mean, my wife doesn't do that at all.

Well, I'll say this, and here's why. Because I love your wife and I respect her, and I would never say anything negative about her, but I give her a lot of credit.

You know what? I hope you choke on your own tooth. How's that? I hope you stick your own balls in your ass. They don't come out. I hope you try that later.

I had a dream once, a daydream about you slipping, getting out of the shower. You have a tub with a high side. Can I show you something? I had a vision of you slipping out of the tub.

Do you want to see something?

And breaking your hip.

Do you want to see something? Yeah. I get into a fight with my wife the other day. Big fight in the morning. It was stupid.

What's the first morning fight? What is it about?

It's all me. Yeah, no shit. It's me. Oh, shut up. No shit. I mean, you're just a- Well, from an intellectual level, I know you're starting fights over dumb shit. I know. That's true. First of all, don't ever call me stupid in a smart way.

I didn't say that. I said she was smarter than you. No, you said from- I said from an intellectual perspective, you start the fight.

I don't like the word intellectual. Well, because- What did you do? What fight did you- I'm going to tell you. I'm going to set it up. Let me set it Let me set it up. It was about the kid, and she's a... I'm aggressive. I'm always trying to pull back. She's passive aggressive. Well, she just buries it for years. Smart. It's not smart. No, it is smart. It's a bad way to be.

That's how we all operate. No. Put it down, put it down, put it down. No. Dig it down. Dig it out, dig it out, dig it out, dig it out.

She's huffing it. You get, Max, let's go. I'm like, Max, I'm trying to do the things we talked about. It didn't work out. I finally go, Listen, I had Roseman, and she went, gave me some type of face and a huff, and I go, Don't huff. I didn't huff. You just huffed. You know what I mean? I need a fucking camera. We get into a fight. I think I slapped a wall beam. I don't punch anymore because I'm too old. You don't slap wall beam. I went, fucking, I slapped it. Whatever. I'm like, She goes drop the kid off. I'm like, I'm out of here. I'm going to fucking show her. I'm just leaving for the day.

Where are you going?

I don't know. I left, but I didn't have nowhere to go. You know what I mean? Yeah. I went to the gym. I got my gym down the street. Good. I'm like, I'm going to go lift. I'm in the gym. I got, I'm crank dumbbells. I'm cranking them. I'm mumbling. Fucking tell me. I'm the fuck. We had a thing. But I'm literally mumbling, still angry, lifting weights. This is why, I mean this, and I gave this to her as a gift because I apologize. One thing about me, if I fuck up, I apologize. I have no problem doing that. I thought about it a day. I got this video and I said, Listen, I want I want to say, and I got my son, I want to say both of you, Daddy made a mistake, and I make those sometimes. I only trying not to make it again. Mommy, I'm sorry, blah, blah. But here's a video for you to have for both of you. So this is me at the gym.

I want to see it. Give it to me. Just give it to me, you slut.

This is me at the gym, and I'm trying to do decline.

Okay. I'm trying to do- Keep explaining.

Declined presses with 35 pound dumbbells. And somewhere along the way, because I'm old, I forgot how to get on a decline.

You're not supposed to- You don't know how to get on the decline.

I don't know how to do it with the dumbbells. I'm such an asshole, and I'm so mad at her that this happened.

I can tell you, looking. Yeah, you're looking at it. I'm looking at it. When you look at it, that's you trying to figure out how to do it. I'm trying to figure it out.

I think I got it, and I don't, and I'm mad, and I'm mumbling, and then here I go, and there I go. Hold on.

Is this security footage? This is security. You get on, you get backwards, and you fall off. What did you do? Did you go to security? You were like, I have to get that on tape.

I just fall, and I got stuck between the other machine.

And you thumbed up. Some guy goes, You all right, bud.

Old Indian guy. Hello, are you okay?

Are you okay, man? I was like, This motherfucker. You have to send me that, please. I want to show the audience. Send it to me so they can see it.

I will send it. Thank you. I mean, look. I sent it to her. I go, This is you, and yes, God is a woman.

God is a woman.

She made this happen. God is a woman.

Doesn't that feel good to know? Didn't that make you immediately go, Fuck, why am I fighting over anything?

It humbled me immediately. It's good. There's two things that are very powerful, drugs. Drugs. Gratefulness.

And humility.

The two most powerful drugs, they will motivate you and clean any bullshit out of your life. As soon as you get grateful and humble, everything else, all the bad shit goes away.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

You know what I mean? We do a thing called Grateful Gab. We take night walks, and we do Grateful Gab. I'm being serious, and we just talk about what we're grateful for that It doesn't have to be overarching. It doesn't have to be my whole life. But it has to be what did you go grateful day, and it can be small. What did I do that made me feel really grateful? There was a thing at the gas station. I pull into the gas station. There's a guy that's in there that I could tell he's frustrated with the customer. She may or may not be homeless. I don't know. She could be having a tough go. I can tell that they're chirping at each other. I had a gift card for gas. I got a gift card from one of the casinos. When you do a casino, they give you $200 gift card for gas to drive out there. He's like, Well, it doesn't work. And she's, What do you mean? Try it again. And he's pissed off. And he's like, I've moved aside. I thought, I'm grateful for the fact that someone gave me… This isn't my money.

I said, I said, Here, let me try maybe my car. And it works. I said, Just put whatever is on there. There's a gift card. And she was like, No, it doesn't matter. It's whatever. Whatever the gas was. So then I felt like I was grateful. Somebody gave it to me. Then I passed it on. That's my grateful moment of the day. Right.

It makes you feel fantastic. I mean, everything goes away.

Well, because it's like, I'm grateful that I had the ability to do it. Someone else gave it to me. He's probably grateful that he doesn't have to see her anymore. She's grateful that she got to go back to the dealer's house to get her next rock.

I was wondering how are you going to ruin it? I was wondering how you were going to ruin it. I knew you had to ruin it. How often at the- I knew. I'm like, This is such a great moment. This is awesome. I had to fuck it up.

How is he going to- How often when you get off the freeway, when a guy's begging, how often do you give money? Never.

I don't give fucking homeless people money. Ever?

That's disgusting.

I give them food. I've given him food a lot. Much time. I'll go to dinner, I'll go buy something and bring it to them.

You'll never give them cash.

Well, here's a cash thing for me. I think that you're killing them. You're just enabling these guys to go get drugs and alcohol. If you give him a little food, maybe. Someone else is going to give them the money.

What if they use the food to get drugs and alcohol?

Suckers like you are going to give them the money. What if they use the food to get drugs and alcohol? What are you going to get for it?

There's a liquor store, La Paz Licker in the Valley here that takes pizza. They'll give you a couple of slices of pizza. La Paz? La Pazza will give you beer.

La Pazza? Do they?

They'll give you beer if you try to trade in a couple of pieces of pizza.

La Pazza is crazy.

You never give money?

I don't. I will not. Now, in New York, I will give this certain guys. Homeless people in New York, it's like you got to draft them. You know what I mean? There's a whole new team coming in. There's new players. I'm drafting. First of all, I got Crazy Mike's mind. That's your guy. The guy who hits the golf, the milk cartons, he's He's mine.

Yeah, what is it? Tiger Hoods?

Isn't that his name? Over by this- Yeah, Mike Dugan. He's mine.

He's not yours. He's mine. That guy's for the streets. He's not yours. You don't own him.

I don't own him, but he's on my team. He's on my homeless team.

Please don't say that you own a guy.

He's on my homeless team. That's dangerous. I said about the white guy, homeless Mike. He said nothing. You're fucking race, baby. Yeah, I got the Vietnam vet, they're on my homeless team. You're right. So if you're coming in, dude, you're on someone else's team.

So you say you They have to go to a homeless combine to be on your squad? They have to qualify?

Every year, we do a homeless draft at the cellar. Keith's got the couple of black guys. Old Keith got them. Old Keith, yeah. Yeah, he's got the dude in the wheelchair.

What do you make him do?

Huh? What do you make him do? No, it's just they protect us from the other homeless people. Oh, right. So if I walk by, Do you go? He's like, Yeah, he's good. And they tell you to move the fuck on. That's nice. I'm his guy.

That's like security.

I'm more his guy than he is my guy. Yeah, it's homeless security. It's exactly it. Homeless security. I hire Homeless people to pack me from other homeless people.

Do you ever get security when you go to like if you're on the road and they give... No, but they give you a security guide. Don't use it. You say, no, thank you.

I'm a grown man. What are you going to do?

Subjective, I guess.

What are you going to do? What are you going to come up to me and beat me up?

You think someone can't beat the shit out of you? No, yeah, but I don't care. Listen up. If you go to a Bobby Kelly show in the next couple of months, beat the shit out of them right after the show. You can. Run up to them and beat the living shit out of them.

Just come up and do what you got to do. Yeah, do it.

You know why? I'll fucking take it. Say it with me. Because I want to live. Because hurt people hurt.

No, I want to live. I want to feel.

Oh, you need it. You're like fight club. You're like a sick twisted. I want to feel. Yeah, you need the pain.

I get the shit the next year. I got to come back on it. Dude, take the spell back.

Where are you touring? Are you out after this?

Yeah, I'm doing mothership, which is just... What he did, man, with that club is so funny because you go there and you sell out. It's just crazy. They book you and you're like, Oh, I can count on that money. If they book you once a year, it's like, Oh, my God. If everything else dies in my life, I still make a nice...

I mean, that's such a- Rogan did something special.

He really took care of the comics.

Well, the old thing was he wanted a comics club for comics. The truth of four comics, buy the comics, run by the comics, organized by... Nothing is outside. Well, that's what it should have been. He just I had the money to do it. It turns out all you need is a couple of hundred million.

A couple of hundreds.

A couple of hundred million. And then a couple of hundred billion? No. Oh, less. More, less, more, less, more. Oh, down. I got it. He's got a lot of money. All you need is a couple of hundred million.

Yeah, all you need is more than that. But yes.

Yeah, and then you can fucking open up a club to be everything you've ever dreamed of. You know what it is? What Rogan created is the same way I look at what Sandler did in terms of- With his friends. Yeah, it's like you fucking- With comics. Yeah, you're giving all your buddy's work. It's the greatest. It's the thing we all dream to do. I'm being genuine when I say this. My dream would be to make shit and call you and go, Dude, you get to come to this thing with me. Will you come do this thing with me? I would love to only hire my friends, get enough power to hire. That's the goal.

Well, Louis did it, too.

Pay your friends.

Before they fucking snatched him out of the business.

But Pay your friends is the dream. Yeah.

The ultimate dream. Yeah, it is. It really is.

I'd rather write a check, a big check to people I love, rather than paying into the machine at any time. Yeah, no.

That club is… It's so easy. It's such a great club. I'm doing that. I'm going back to Boston.

What do you play when you're there? You play laugh?

I do laugh.

Say hi to John for me.

John fucking Tobin. Bobby.

Say Tobin. I fucking love that, dude. He's like, Meet my fucking son.

Dude, why don't you and all the boys come down and do the medley tent in the Cape Cod, the Samoth kid? He's awesome. He's a great guy.

Did you ever play Wilber or any of that other bullshit? I do the Wilber.

Yeah, I've done the Wilber.

What about the Wang?

Never did the Wang.

Can't sell No. But you're a hometown guy. Don't you think you can? Can't do it. I bet my bank account, you can.

I sell better in Tampa than I do in Boston. What? I don't know why. No. I swear to God.

Well, there's places I don't understand why I sell way... There's places where I go, Why do I sell so good there? I have no connection to that place. But maybe people in Tampa love you.

Tampa loves me. Boston's good to me, but I would never be able to do the Wang. That's a wild thing to me because I'm watching it with you right now.

You know what? I know this is going to be an insult. I feel it from a mile away.

Go ahead. You're so damaged. Yeah.

I'm looking at just a wall of alcohol. Come on, dude. Take a sip. Take a sip.

No, I'm doing good. Take a sip. They're all half empty. Take a sip. Get out of here. What if I fucking did it?

No, please don't. Please, please, please, please.

I'm teasing. Tell them not to beat me up in my shows.

Don't beat him up. Don't beat him up.

Don't fuck around with me.

He's good friends with Kevin Hart.

Don't.

He's best friends. Don't.

Tell me you'll put me on everything you do.

I'll put you on everything I do. I'll put you on everything I do. Write me in. I'll write you in.

You're going to save it. I will.

Stop.

Me and you do bad friends. You're dumping Bobby. Okay, I'll dump him.

Say it. I'm dumping Bobby. You're on my bad friends. You're my new bad friends. Say it in Chinese. Say it. What were you going to say before I cut you on? You could do the Wang. I want my fans to go see him when he books The Wang. And let's not book The Garden. Let's book The Wang. Let's just go for The Wang. I think you know what? I'm not even kidding when I say this. No. You and I should do a double headliner show at The Wang because I sell great in Boston. I love Boston. I love Boston. Let's do a double at The Wang, will you?

I'll do anything with you. Okay. And I'll say that seriously. No, but right now I've seen it, dude. I've seen ups and downs. This business goes up and down. We all have it. But you're at that point right now where you're popping off.

It's about to go down?

Yeah, you're starting to do theaters. The thing with you and Bobby is, fuck, you guys together. I mean, it's just a match made in heaven. Your show's hilarious. Thank you. Even though he has no respect for me. But the thing is- He doesn't. I mean, why?

He really doesn't. No, you know what it is? No, I don't. He's jealous. He said that to me before.

He's jealous of what?

That you have a family that you love, that you have a career, that you have a… What do you mean?

He's jealous of stuff he could have if he just- No.

Why can't he have? I'm going to call him and ask him why that he doesn't like you so much.

Yeah, call him and ask him. I want to call Kevin again. I'm pretty sure.

Call Kevin and see if he'll pick up. I Will you?

Yeah, I'm going to call him.

Hello. Hey, you're on my pod. Bobby Kelly's here. He wants to know, what's your beef with him? What is it about?

There is no fucking beef. What the fuck? I said, I know. I saw him on the set last night.

No, he said you- I'm going to laugh through those. Now, he said you brought him up in a way that was demeaning and rude and you didn't like him.

I said he's a tough crowd. I said tourgasm. I said best comic New York, O. B. Anthony. I did everything I could.

You're saying you couldn't save him. It was his jokes that put him in that mood.

No, his The jokes were hilarious. I mean, the crowd doesn't get it, I guess. What? I love you, buddy.

You killed it. You did good.

No, but does Bobby really think that I have a beef with him? Yeah, he does. No, it's just Bobby.

Yes, he does. Bobby.

I still have to try him for years. Bobby. Fuck him. Bobby.

Fuck him, Bobby.

Bobby. All right, bye. Bye.

That's it, dude. Let's play these games. Interesting.

Let's play these games. Let's play these games.

Well, it's not a game.

Let's play these games. It's not a game. Let's play these games, dude. You want to play these games?

Yeah, let's play.

Let's play these games.

Welcome back to Call Your Friend.

Where is he?

You're calling Kevin Hart again? There we go, right there.

I'll call Bobby right now. Let's call Bobby right now.

Go ahead and do it.

Let's call it right now.

Let's see if he picks up. You're not going to hang up with me.

He'll pick up. He'll damn well pick up. Mess around. You want to play a game? Bob, Bobo, Bobby Re. Yeah, I I said it. I made the L&R.

You got it, dude. He's going to pick up for sure. There's no doubt. I feel like when you call someone, they're going to pick up.

Hey, this is Bob Marley.

I messed up. I'll just kill it. Bob Marley, a legendary Boston comedian. You know, this is one of these guys, I'm being genuine when I say this. I don't know him. I never met him, but the legend of him is bigger than I anybody can get to in these days.

Here's a guy- Where you're famous, but you're so famous to a group that you've been famous to, the loyalty is unmatched.

He sells out every time.

I'm going to tell you what he did. Still. What he did and what more comics should do. People think that you do this until you become Chapelle or you become that big. If you don't make that, then something happens. You do it to get Rogan status or somewhere in that realm of millionaire thing. But what a lot of comics should do is know their worth. And Bob Marley was like, I know my worth. I know I can keep trying here. I got millions of pilots, took all that money from holding deals, bought real estate. And then he was like, You know what? I'm just going to go and be Bob Marley in Maine, in New Hampshire.

The best in the Northeast.

I'm just going to go do it. I know my worth. I can sell out all these. I can do the math. I can make this much money, a lot of money. I'm going to sell all my I'm going to buy a massive compound down there, and I'm just going to enjoy my life doing what I love to do. That's what he did, which is great. A lot of guys don't have that moment in life with the like, What am I doing? I've had that moment in life where now I'm like, I do my comedy. I go away the last two months of the year. In July and August, I go up to my Lake house up there, and I hang out with them, and I do little gigs here and there. Then whatever else comes It comes up.

So you know your worth.

Well, we spend a lot of time just fucking trying to get to that thing.

We don't even know what we're getting to.

It's like, dude, your kid grew up. Your wife doesn't like you anymore. You haven't seen your family in years. You have no friends outside the business. It's just, dude, you see. It's like you can't wait. My therapist said, You guys, Stop trying to retire. I'm I'm trying to make so much money, and when I get there and I'm a gazillionaire, blah, blah, blah, then I'm going to take time off to enjoy my life.

No, this is it.

This is it right now. That's why me and you get along. We're very similar to that.

Well, because I do feel like this is it. I used to say that to my dad. It bugged me a lot. My father traveled for a living, and I'd be like, Oh, did you do... I would go now to the same cities that he used to travel to when he was in sales. I go, Did you ever go to Blank Blank, whatever, in so and so city? No, not really. We never left the hotel. And it makes me sad. I'm like, Man, you could have just gone out and fucked off and did all this stuff. You were there. You were there for three days. You didn't get up one day, go want to go see something else. I have a hard disconnect with comics that don't want to go feel the city because you're like, Dude, this is your life. Your life is the show at night as much as it is the thing during the day. It makes me sad when guys are like, No, man, it's fucking airport, hotel, show, hotel, airport. No way. Well, that gives me anxiety. I feel like I'm going to die then. Then I'm going to die in a tragic, sad way.

I like living because this is it now. Look, I'm going to Scotland this year for fun, no gigs. But every time you say you're going somewhere, somebody goes, You're going to do a show? No, I'm not going to do a show. I'm just going to go, Yeah, but you'll be there for a week and a half. You don't want to do a show?

They don't get it.

No, I don't want to do a show. I just want to go fucking hang out for a little while. I don't have it in me.

I said, What's his name? The great Matt Reif was in New York.

Matt Ryke?

Ryfe. Who's that? Young guy.

Gorgeous. Never heard of him.

Really good-looking guy. Matt Reigd?

Matt Reif. Matt Reift? Yeah, what about him?

The Third Reich is in New York right now.

He is Hitler's dream, that guy. He looked exactly like what he would love.

Here's the thing about that guy. Gorgeous.

I like a gorgeous little chiseled jaw on the Matt Reif. Hitler, we got your tickets to Matt Reif. Someone get on the computer and buy Reif tickets for us tonight, please. Hitler was a gay débutant that loves Matt Rife shows.

He was definitely gay.

Well, how about that, though? You know how people are deadheads? Hitler was a Rife head.

Just rocking in his chair like this.

I can't wait to see Matthew.

Please make fun of me. Look at my mustache. I bought your merch, Matt.

What did you see, Matt, right? Go ahead, go back.

No, someone fell out and he actually hit me up on whatever. He's such a sweet He's a great kid. He's like, Would you like to come down and open at my Carnegie, whatever the fuck, a radio station?

You played Carnegie, yeah?

Carnegie. I was just like, No. I'm with my kid. Me and my kid are watching fucking stupid videos.

I bet your kid knows who Matt Reif is, though. They're having wings.

Yeah, he does. Of course. But it's like, I'm at a place where, look, maybe 10 years ago, whatever, maybe I would have been like, I got to... This is the number one. Maybe this will... I got to. It's going to do nothing for me. I'll go and murder and kill, and they'll still go, That first guy was all right. He was good. He was fine.

Is that Matt's uncle? Who was that?

Every time I killed in front of Dane on Arenas, you know what I mean?

You got nothing out of it.

Dude, I go back to that city and it's like, Hey, we're a little light on Sunday. It's like, I just did 30,000 people. I murdered. Not one of them went, What's his name? Let me just put his name down. What's his name?

But what was social media big when you were on that tour?

Well, my space and stuff like that was big, but it's not that. It's like when people stick, they stick. You don't know, Dude, you've been doing this for how long? Now they're stickers. You hooked up with fucking Bobby Lee, and it just it sticks. It happened, bang. All of a sudden, now you're touring.

Well, it was like we created our own audiences, him and I, and we definitely have different audiences. A hundred %. And then there were these weird pie I chart crossovers of people that liked us both, and then people that liked maybe just him or just me, and now they've blended, which has been truly a blessing. Like a weird, beautiful. My wife used to say all the time, and by the way, just to reiterate what you said, I'm very happy.

You're the happiest I've ever seen you.

But I don't fucking try. I don't have the goal of like, I want to do what Louis does, or even in my generation, it's like, Shane, I'm not trying to… Dude, that guy.

Nine jokes you both could have said about that joke. About what? I don't want to do what Louis does.

I don't need to sell out the guard. That's never been my… I never had when I was a little kid. I never had that. Making a living doing comedy was all I wanted, and I'm doing it. So I'm like, This is great. If it stays here, this is great. So I'm grateful because of that it's real.

Yeah, people don't understand it. I never had that dream. We make so much money. Well, you do. Even on the lower level, you make more money than me. No. Are you fucking...

By the way, 80% of my money goes to charity. Or, well, the church, the Scientology, but it's charity is what we have to call it. I hope because you said- I write my checks to Will Smith directly.

I hope because you said that- And he cashes them. They come and take it. No, you make great money. I see you driving out there. You driving a Lambo, dude.

Oh, yeah. Fucking Lambo. Yeah, I brought Lambo today. It is. It's a nice car, dude. It's actually the car that I like. That's the one car that no matter how rich somebody gets, when they buy that, I'm always like, That's a shame.

What's the one gift?

That's a shame. It's the ugly. Lambo? Lambo suck.

I think a Lambo is better than a Ferrari.

Well, so you're wrong, but also... I mean, you're wrong.

Who are you talking to?

You.

Did you just call me a Jew?

No. What the fuck are you doing? No, dude, it's horse over bull all day. Ferrari is such a beautiful car.

Lamborghini is so much better than a Ferrari.

Lamborghini is for goons. They're for goons. It's for rappers and goons. Yeah. Actually, you do look goony. Yeah, there you go. That's a perfect Lambo guy. That is a perfect Lambo guy.

I love a Lambo. Let me ask you a question.

What's my dream car?

No, fuck the cars. What? Fuck a car. I mean, you could pick a car if you want. If you had whatever... If I right now, I could buy you whatever you wanted. Tax, nothing. One thing that you'd be like, Dude, can Can you get me this? Right now, that you could just put on a watch, a car, a house. Right now, if I'll get you whatever the... Look at me. Anything you want.

Anything. You think I'm lying? No, I swear to God, there's nothing. I don't care.

I don't- One thing.

I don't want it. Play the game. I don't want it. Play the game. Something simple. You know what I want? Like a G7 private jet. Something simple. If you said you had unlimited money. Unlimited, dude. I'm genuine. Whatever you want. I do not need shit. I have a nice little humble house. I have my bullshit toys. Honestly, it would be a plane. I'd be like, buy me a plane then so I can just fly that for the rest of my life.

That's it.

You know why? I'd want the plane for practical reasons. I'd be able to go anywhere for comedy.

Do more, and you could rent it out and pay for it and all I don't care about that. If you're telling me if it's- I own it and I pay for it forever.

If it's free and clear, if you said, what could I... It's travel. Then I can bring friends on the road with me and be like, We're jumping on a plane. Thanks to Bobby Kelly, and we're going to... I mean, a dream to me. I remember seeing pictures back in the day. I think back in the day, they used to take guys to Aspen on a private jet. They flew out. I remember that, right? Yeah, it was awesome. They would never fucking today. It's like, JFL is like, You got to pay for your own ticket. I remember going to JFL the first time, and they're like, We don't buy your ticket out. What? Yeah, when I did New Faces years ago. Oh, New faces. Yeah. Yeah, but I was like, What? I can't even afford to fucking eat lunch.

I think that changed.

Yeah, they had to because they got- I already changed that. Yeah, it was absurd. It was like, Dude, pay for my own ticket. I lived with four people. I know. I can't fucking afford. How the fuck I was going to take a bus. I was like, Did the busses go? From California? Yeah, do busses go to Montreal?

14-day trip.

I'm not even kidding. I was like, Do busses go that far? They do. A train, I thought. But yeah, I saw those photos as a young comic of I don't remember who was on it. It was like, Patty maybe, and those guys were like, You know what I mean? Whatever. I thought, Man, that would be the coolest thing on a plane with my best friend going to do comedy. It's not the private jet of it all. It's just on a plane with all your friends would be. Yeah. So, yeah, if you buy me a jet so I can do more comedy around the globe, what do you want from me if I had unlimited funds for it? An island.

I want an island. I want an island.

It's an unsavory thing to Why?

This time. Why? Unsavory.

I want- The last guy that had an island that looked like you, they got in some trouble.

Yeah. I want that island.

You want a fucking island in real life?

I want to whip it back up again.

I I want to revive it.

I want to revive the island.

What would you really want if I had all the money? You want an island?

Where, though? I want an island in the Caribbean, in a tropical place. I want a Johnny Depp type island. All right, with you. Who is that? I don't know who the fuck it is. I want an island, and I wouldn't mind some stuff on it to let other people come. So you be like, Hey, Bob, me and my wife want to go to the island for the week. Dude, the island's there. The staff is ready to go, so just show up. You're good to go.

So you're not there. I can go without you.

You take your jet, though.

Your jet?

Well, it'll be your jet.

I guess. Then it's my island.

It's our jet.

It's our jet.

Dude, I said- See, this is how it started with Epstein.

It's our jet. It's our island. He was pushing that narrative.

It was our I say this is the sitcom we pitch, right? Called Our Jet, Our Island. Our Island? Yeah. No, I love a fuck. Dude, an island? How great would that be?

Yeah, no, not for me.

Why?

Look, look, look. You think I'm sitting at the beach You think I'm sitting at the fucking beach, dude? Look, what are you talking about?

Can you never do that again? Please don't do it again. I'd rather see that guy tuck his balls in his asshole again.

I'm never going to... The beach to me... You know what? I'll show you I have pictures of me on vacation. I'm in a full long sleeve with a baseball hat on. Stop it. I swear to God, dude, and I'm under an umbrella. Dude, no, I like to go to the beach, but why am I? Come on. I mean, look, this is me.

You're just a bore when you go on vacation with your wife.

No, I'm drinking, but I got a long sleeve shirt. I have a long sleeve shirt on.

You look like a piece of cod.

I am.

You have full everything on.

I have to. I burn. What am I doing at the beach?

Put some stuff on. Spray your body.

I do, but I'm always afraid that stuff- What are you?

You're Irish, right?

No, I'm Cuban. You're Switzerland? No, I'm Dominican.

You are?

You're Dominican? I'm Italian and Irish.

Italian, Irish, half and half? You know what I am more than anything?

What? American. You're goddamn right, dude. Greatest country owner. God bless.

I love America so much. Yeah.

Name me a better place.

I dare you. Go. Aruba.

Jamaica. I want to take you to Bermuda, Bahamas. Come on, pretty mama. To Kila, go. Montigo, Baby, why don't we go down to the CoCombo. We'll take it fast and then we'll take it slow. What did that mean? What did that mean, take it fast and take it slow?

I'm going to have sex and sleep. I'm going to hold you down and I'm going to- Have sex and sleep. Yeah, I'm going to date rape you.

Okay.

But no. No. No. No. I'm going to take it fast and I'm going to sleep slow. I'm going to take it fast. I'm going to take it fast.

Did you ever read that book about Beach Boys? About Brian Wilson.

No, I saw the movie, though.

Yeah, you can't read books. What am I talking about? I know better than when I ask you about book stuff because I know you don't read books.

I read Jack and the Beach Talk is not like a- I never read that book.

I know. I saw that movie, though.

You did. I'm more of a visual guy. I actually have learning disabilities. I just got tested. I have learning disabilities.

Yeah, we've been saying this for a year. Who's we? The Boys.

Who's The Boys? That was the biggest insult when I lost the weight is all the people would come up and be like, Dude, we were worried about you. Never told me.

Yeah.

Were you guys just talking behind my back?

Secret meetings about you?

Yeah, dude. I fucking hate.

Well, let me tell you, I was never worried about you.

Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. Don't Don't even wink at me again like that. Your wink is- I was never worried about you. Don't please don't do that. You're fucking side-eye. I hate it. I'd rather look at your belly button again. Dude, what is it? What is it? Yeah, dude. It's funny because comics, we have these side things going on.

Side conversations about other people shit.

It's so weird. We're such mewing, gossiping.

Because we have to be.

Yeah, I mean, it's that thing.

Because our whole life is predicated around meeting up with these strangers who have to become our peers and sometimes friends, do the same job, which inherently invokes jealousy, envy, competition. So we're going to be little gossip girls.

Well, it's funny because you're sitting at the club last night and it's like someone comes in and I'm doing this and that, and it's like, Oh, wow. I'm just sitting there. Cool. As soon as they leave, fucking what? Let me use fucking... I'm sitting in a It's been an amazing conversation. It's like this fucking...

But sometimes it's just because that's how we love each other. We hate each other when we love each other. A little bit when sometimes there's a couple of people that I'm like, That fucking guy.

It's so funny. Last time, three times.

Say the names, and I'll blank them out. Say the names, I'll blank them out.

I don't trust you for a fucking...

No, my editor will blank it off.

I don't trust that little guy. I don't trust you at all. You go off.

You're like, Ali Wong. Fucking Jim Jeffries.

Ali Wong. That's funny.

She's the nicest person on there.

She's a sweetheart, man.

And Jeffrey, same thing. I love Jim Jeffries. You know what's funny with Jim is, I say that because we were on the show two nights ago together. With Jim, quit drinking. He's as strong as he's ever been. I remember one time he was saying how that was his worry was without getting loose and chilling and feeling like himself that he was not going to… It's strong as… I hate to say that stuff when someone's like, Yeah, right. It's stronger now than I think I've ever seen him. His stuff is fucking Phenomenal.

Yeah, he came in. I did my first Nasty Show with him, Louis CK, nick DiPaolo, and Dave Attell. Where was this at? At JFL. That was the show. The Nasty Show. It was probably the best Nasty Show ever.

That was a great lineup.

It was crazy, but he came in as that fuck up, that guy, drinking and partying. But to see the evolution of him, I think he's best he's ever been right now. Except for his jackets.

Yeah, we have to talk to him about the jackets.

We don't wear earth tone leather. Stop it.

Is that clay-dyed? You got to cut it out. He's going to be watching like, these fucking assholes.

Worst accent ever.

Fuck, Bobby Kelly.

You know what I hung out with last night? Jason Ellis was the LS. Yeah. Speaking of that accent. Sweet guy. Great guy. Yeah.

He can put his balls in his ass. No. He does stuff like that.

I don't think so. I don't think he does. I don't think so.

Dude, all Australians can put their balls in their ass.

I think it's just that one guy. No. Dude, that video- Show me I'm going to show you again. I'm going to show you.

Before we go, show me again.

It's a crazy video.

I am impressed by stuff like that. I know that's disgusting, and people at home are probably grossed out by this, but I got to tell you. Let me see. Here we go. Boom.

Wow.

Oh, my God. It's unbelievable how low they hang. Do you hang low?

Sometimes. You do. I love it when they hang low.

Will you ever sit on them? Have you ever sat on your nuts?

I pissed I have my own nuts.

That's a size problem.

No, that's a both problem. That's when two worlds mix.

You got long balls and a small little pecker, Peter.

My nuts were very low.

This is your penis.

This is your penis right here.

You look like my penis. You actually look like my penis in full. No, no, no. That looks exactly like my penis. Nervous? Who's that? Who's that little guy? Oh, I need to trim. I see all that facial hair. I need to trim. Would you ever do a full man chew or just a goatee?

That's what your penis does. That's your penis. Don't ask me stupid questions.

Do a full man chew.

Don't ask me stupid. Do a full man chew. I thought it was your other guy. I don't do that.

I'm Italian-Irisian. Are you hungry right now?

Hungary for love. Scum. You wink at me again. I'm going to poke the eye out and he'll be winking forever. Well, I have a... No, you don't. Dude, I hate winks. Stop winking at me. I swear to God, I'll dig it out. What if I just took it and I threw it in your camera?

I talked about you last time I was on Soda Show, and I spoke very highly of you. I love that. I thought that'd get back to me somehow, but it didn't. It didn't. Not a big deal. All All right, plug your fucking dates.

Hey, man, don't do this.

Now, plug your bullshit dates. No, because the way you said it was so mean. It's like you don't care about me or nothing.

No, this is what you do. You do this every time.

Go to Robert Kelly.

No, no, no.

Go to Robert Kelly podcast or whatever it is.

Instead of feeling it, what you do is you get negative. You know what, dude? Yeah, see? Now you get negative. Just look into the camera and say, Man, this is awesome.

Why did you say comedian and actor on your profile?

Because I am. Say it. Say it. Say it. Say, Hey, man, this is great. Feel it. Look at me. Look at me.

Comedian and actor?

Look at me. Don't disconnect from me.

Don't do it. Did you change your picture that was on your main page? No, please, please don't. No, no, no. Please, please. Don't use. Look at me.

Don't use. Tell me. Tell me. Yeah. Tell me how much of a good time you had. Best. Tell me. Best. How much you love me.

Say it. More than I love almost anybody on Earth, except for my mother. It's you. Mom, you. Mom, you, wife, dog, cat.

Now give my plugs.

Go to Robert roberkellylive. Com. You can go see him. He's everywhere. He's all over. With a better tone.

I want better tone.

Please go to robertkelylive. Com. You're going to see him at the comics Roadhouse at Bohican's Son. Then he's going to be in tab before the side splitters. Go ahead to Huntington, New York, Paramount, then at Poughkeepsie, New York, he's going to be laughing up. Then Ryan Comedy Festival in Houston, Comedy Mother's Ship in Austin. Club 337, not a real place. What is that? It's a real place. You played his Trip Club. It's a great club. In Lafayette, Louisiana. Then he's in Boston at Laff Boss in Sarasota. More and more as the year goes on, go to robertkellylive.

Com to go see him. Punchup. Live. Watch my special for free.

Go watch his special for free at Punchup. Live.

Punchup. Live. Robert Kelly.

Put that down. I don't want you to have that in your hand. It makes me uncomfortable. We end the show the same way. Go to robertkelylive. Com. Go see him. I love him. One of my favorite friends.

You're one of my favorite comedians. You're one of my favorite people in the world.

Look into that camera and say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. Go ahead.

Balls in my asshole. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beared.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the Ginger Jean is a curse. Gingers are huge as well. You want me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell no.

This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.