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Lee, we're doing our final run of the Bad Friends Tour. Badfriendspod. Com for those tickets. We're going to be in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then we're going to Salt Lake City and Reno and Sacramento or Wheatland or whatever that is, but it's Sacramento. Long Beach, we're doing Temecula, we're doing Tucson, and then we're finishing off this whole thing in Vegas on 420. Also Canada, we're doing Niagre Falls and Hamilton. Go to badfundspod. Com for those tickets, badfundspod. Com. Without rambling from me, let's go to the episode.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginges are huge as well. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginges are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Weetsky and Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, my name meeting once again today. It's Brad William.

The only guest where you get to look at the bottom of my feet. Yeah, you're going to see the bottom. Look at those things. While I sit in this chair. Skechers, baby.

Are you a big Skechers guy?

They fit.

Do Skechers customize? Is there a little people shoe company?

There is not. There should I mean- It sounds like we just found a new business. Hey, Dwarf shoes.

Wait, seriously? There's no little people shoe company? No.

I have to go to the stores that- Oh, my God, that's so cute.

There's a company called Pretty Small Shoes.

This is- PSL.

That's pretty small shoes. That's so cute.

I feel like this is such a specific fetish. It's just like, Hey, I have a foot fetish, but not for adults. Not with those adult feet. Not with those fucking kid feet.

That little tiny kid. You know what's so funny? Most people that go to this website don't actually wear the shoes. They have them at their home to look at.

To just look at. To jerk off to.

These are jerk off shoes. Let's make dwarf shoes, Brad. What are we talking about? Why can't we make little people's shoes?

We can have the Air Jordan logo, but it's me just trying to grab something from a shelf.

Just trying to open a drawer.

Just me struggling with a jar. That's the logo right there.

I got to I got jealous when you pulled into the parking lot because that handicap, man, is that great? It is sweet. That laminate, or what? Lanier? What would you... Lanier, right?

I love it. Lanier, right? Lanier. Some people go, But, Brad, you're not really handicapped. And I go, The US government says I am.

Yeah, wait a minute. I've seen people who get it for like- Oh, you can get it for dyslexia.

Right.

You can get it for like anything.

Yeah. You just be like, I have high anxiety. I have a limp.

I have a bad limp, and they'll give it to you.

Yeah, exactly. So no, I'm taking the handicap placard. And I tell you what the best part about the handicap placard is. I don't even really park in the handicap spots that often. What's great, you could park at a meter and not have to pay.

Wait, you don't have to ever pay for street parking?

No. Fuck you, Newsom. Wait a minute. You're not getting my money.

You never have to pay for street parking? Never. Give me one, dude, please.

I want that so bad. You could probably say you're handicapped as a ginger, right?

Oh, my God. You know what, dude? Is this how we're going to do the show? Is this how we're going to do all day?

Is this how we're going to I can do this show?

All right, well, I'm going to open it up then. Okay. No, yes, I am the rarest of human. I was thinking about this. Actually, what's the percentage of ginger versus little people? What percentage of the world is a little person?

I mean, you have the entire country of Ireland.

So it's like- First of all, we're more Scots in English than we are in Ireland.

We're Scots in English.

World population of gingers, 2% of the world, globally.

Okay, 2%.

World population of little people.

Let's see. All right, you guys have to be more.

Holy shit, you're only 651,000.

Not even a million.

But then the US, they're not you in the world. Globally, right?

Globally.

Yeah, globally. Let's see if that helps, though. No, it said 651,000. That's what it was, 651,000 in the world. Wow. Wow, that's Nothing, dude.

That's not even my hometown.

So what did they say? How many people right now? Is there seven billion people on the Earth?

Is that what it is? Yeah, way too many.

I don't know if it's that many. What's seven billion? Seven billion. Okay, seven billion times. What did I say? There was 2% of gingers? Yeah, Yeah. So that's 140 million. That's so many of us. We're growing way faster than we need to be.

I was thinking about this the other day, okay? Because I knew I was coming on this podcast with you. Now, I don't know if I'll be honest about this. I suffer from seasonal depression. Seasonal depression, like winter comes around, less daylight. I get really bummed out. Sure. It sucks. Do gingers do that more because you guys don't ever go outside? Okay. You know what, Fred? Is that part?

It's all the time. Is this what it is all day? Let me tell you something. When the show is over, I'm not going to help you out of that chair. You keep this up. I'm not helping you out of that chair.

You're not going to give me a... No, because normally- I was going to put phone bucks on there, but I thought that was rude. Normally, you get me out, but you hand me that putter, and then you pull me out of the chair, and then I have to get on roller blades. Yes, you do. Then we just go.

I stay out of the sun as much as I can, and so should you speak at the devil. You're not fucking olive-skinned pal.

No. I have a I have a ginger beard.

Yeah, you do. You do get a little gingery in your beard.

I'm like part ginger.

When I first met you, I feel like your hair was even lighter for summer. You've gotten darker, which is weird. Yeah.

I'm starting to get a few grays in here.

It's going to keep going, dude.

I'm okay. You're going to get grayed out. I'm okay being a Silver Fox. I think Dwarfs, when they go gray, we look more magical.

Right. But you still three wishes out of you guys, right?

Yeah. It's still just three. You don't get bonus wishes as the grays come in. But we just look like we know more. If a dwarf with gray hair came up to you and was like, Look behind the tree in your backyard, you would run to that fucking tree.

I'd run to the tree.

You'd be like, I'm taking a chainsaw to that tree.

I'm finding the candy. My hope would be some of his other friends were back there working on something for me, building something magical, dude.

In a little workshop?

If we find out time travel is real, Dwarfs are doing it. I know for a fact that little people are working on time travel. There's just no No doubt in my mind.

We're not telling you. You think it's the Chinese. No. No.

It's the Dwarfs. But what about a Chinese dwarf? Are there any?

My daughter.

Oh, that's right. She's a….

Oh, my God. Yeah. My daughter's a Chinese dwarf.

Dude, that's got to be….

And like, actual. I didn't rent one.

No, he made one. He made one.

I made one. I'm dwarf. My wife is Chinese. We made an Asian dwarf baby.

But is she half Chinese or full Chinese?

She's half. So we got a quarter Chinese baby.

She's half Chinese and half what?

Deadbeat dad.

Oh, yeah. She's runaway. One of those.

Milk dad. Yeah. We have a quarter Chinese dwarf child, which is just like, everyone's like, All right, you got to save it for college. I'm like, College? No, I don't. No. Quarter Chinese female dwarf. She's on a brochure. That's a brochure, baby. She's getting them on. I'm already getting the offer. Stanford, Harvard, bring it on.

The problem is, even if she's an idiot, that let her in because they want that profile. She's never going to have to do anything for the rest of her life. No. She's going to get jobs. She's going to get the best jobs.

Dude, okay, so I've thought about this, and this is a joke that my wife has told me I am not allowed to say in the act. Well, let it rip. Never said anything I'm not going to talk about podcasting, though. Yeah. Here we go. Here's the thing. Asian dwarf baby, right? Asian dwarf female baby. If I'm the best father in the world, she changes the world. She introduces something, invents something, is just a pinnacle intelligence and everything like that. If I'm the worst father in the world, we get the most revolutionary porn star of all time. I like that joke.

It's a great joke.

I think it's a great joke. Do not put that in the universe. I'm like, Dude, I just found out.

First of all, you're a great dad, so it's never going to happen. That's the joke. I'm around. Yes, you're a very present father. I'm a good dad.

I walk her to school. We played for two hours this morning. How long does that walk? It's two and a half blocks, but for us, That's forever. Yeah, that's a long walk.

Did you ever play Candyland as a kid?

We pack a Sherpa.

Did you ever play Candyland as a kid and go? Of course. This is me.

This is me. This is my walk. This is my walk. Every time I walk, you know how in the Billy Jean video, the square's lit up? It's just like that. With Dwarfs, it's just candy just flying out of the tiles.

It just flies out. I think that joke is fantastic. I love your wife. She's wonderful, but also she doesn't know what she's talking about. That's a great joke. That has to go in the special.

I think it's going in. It's not going in the special that's currently out on- Yeah, go get it right now, by the way. On Veeeps, V-E-E-P-S. Veeeps.

Like the show, Veeeps with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, except Veeeps, plural with an S. Is it veeps.

Com? Yes, veeps. Com/bradwilliams. They have a bunch of concerts there and comedy specials. David Cross has one there. I'm up there. You don't have to subscribe. You just go. You pick out what you want. You watch it. It's free. The special is not free.

But I mean, it's up there. Yes. You don't have to subscribe to Veeeps. No. No, that's what I'm saying.

You just pick it out. You buy my special because I wanted to bet on myself. You should. I wanted to bet on myself and say, You know what? There's enough people out there that want to see a dwarf tell jokes.

Oh, my God. Do they ever? Look at this right now. Let me see Veeeps. Go to veeps. Com/bradwilliams.

See, they got Alicia Keyes concert, Kings of Leon, David Cross, some band called Dirty Honey. I'm sure they're great.

The Postal Service?

Very good. Then I'm there somewhere.

Brad Williams, there he is.

There it is. Starfish.

Starfish is the name of It's a stand-up comedy special available right now. Why Starfish, buddy?

Because that's the move I do when my wife makes me sleep on the couch and I'm like, no big deal. Dwarf couch, that shit's still a king-size bed. That's actually true. Then I just hop on. Straight starfish. That's cute. I'm just spreading out. People think it's a joke about the anus.

Yeah, well, chocolate starfish is what the anus is commonly referred to. Right.

Thanks, Limp Biscuit. Now, my special is associated with butt fucking.

You could just say, Thanks, Limp for everything that they've done. I mean, for just about everything. Thank you, Fred Dersh for everything that you've done for the community. Yes.

We released a special on December 21st. Why did we choose that date, Andrew Santino?

Because that's the first day of- That's the Winter Solstice.

Winter Solstice. The shortest day of the year.

Is it really? Yeah. That's so funny.

Marketing.

That's really smart, actually. Look at that.

That's smart. Every Winter Solstice, you're going to think of Brad Williams.

But let's go back for a little bit because you got a little bit of seasonal depression, speaking of winter. A little bit. Do you really? You're getting low lately? Yeah. Everyone's going through it. I just We had a conversation with my buddy about this. We had a, I can't say who, but just a friend in our business who's going through it. He's just low. And I was like- Carrot top. Yeah. Yeah. So don't leak my shit. I'm sorry, buddy. No, it's just an old good friend of mine. And he was just going through it. And I said, I think everyone's going through some shit. It's tough because even if things are going well in life for people, it's weird because it's family time, holiday, travel. It's overwhelming. The New Year's coming. You feel all these weighted things that you don't take into consideration.

No. My dad had seasonal depression as well. Pretty bad. I even bought him one of those lights. That's like a fake sun. Oh, yeah. You're supposed to just sit in front of it. They sell to people in Alaska and stuff like that. Stuff like that. He never used it because it involved an on and off switch.

Yeah, dad's not going to use that shit. No. But it's nice that you got it. I tried. Where was he? In Denver? Is that where? Yeah.

He grew up somewhat in Denver and LA, Texas. He was all over the place. But Thankfully, always in the home. But yeah, so I'm going through a little bit, but I'm trying to surround myself with things that make me happy. One, my daughter, she's always great. She laughs. Got a 90 pound Pitbull. That's cool.

Yeah, bigger than you.

Yeah, way bigger than me.

The photos are hilarious of you with that dog.

People always ask me, they're like, Are you afraid ever when you're out in the road by yourself? I'm like, I sleep next to a 90-pound Pitbull and a wife with multiple black belts. I sleep great, and I'm not in that scenario. Both of those people, my dog and my wife, if they decide to kill me, nothing I could do.

Yeah, it's over for you.

Nothing I could do.

But who cares? Whatever. It's been a good run. Hell of a run.

A few comedy specials, a few nice dinners with you. Yeah.

That's a good-We got some more nice dinners coming up, by the way. We got some more nice dinners. The boys dinners, we were lacking pretty hard. We usually do a boys dinner. I want some months. I would say, yeah, it's every couple of months. And everyone's been traveling so much, which brings me to my next question to you truly is, Everyone's touring constantly, nonstop. Are you touring again? Are you starting right up in the new year?

I have New Year's Eve 2024 booked.

Yuck. What are you doing this New Year's Eve?

Where are you going to be this New Year's Eve? This New Year's Eve, I had the first New Year's Eve off in my entire career. Good for you. I got a couple of days before I'm at Cobbs in San Francisco. San Francisco. And then we start the theater tour, baby. And then January sixth, it starts off. Great date for our people.

I was going to say that's one of my favorite. I know where I'll be this year, January sixth, dude. Storm it, storm it. We'll see their used promo code, Whiskey, if you're going to be storming the capital this year. Sure. You're going to get yourself 40% off hats and shirts.

But yeah, we're doing theat this year. Good. So go to bradwilliamscomedy. Com. You can see the whole tour. And we're doing different countries. We haven't announced those dates yet, but we're going. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Australia. Yeah, It's all year long. When are you going to Australia? It'll be in the... I don't know if it's called the Fall There. Is it the Fall There?

No, it's not. The Fall There is like- It's like summer. Yeah, it's flipped.

Yeah, it's like- Yeah. I don't know, September, October, about that time. I'm stoked. I'm stoked to be doing the tour, but yeah, come see me now because 2025, not going.

You're done, huh? Yeah, you say that. Fuck that. You'll go back out. Everyone's like, I'm taking time down, and then we never do.

Because we all come from that mentality where we were doing open mics and traveling. I once drove four hours to make 50 bucks.

Four hours? Dude, I drove to Montana. Montana? And I lost money because I drove there. I got a speeding ticket on the way there and a speeding ticket Why didn't you take it on the way home? Fuck, I lost money.

We all have stories like that. Yeah, it's dirty. So when someone calls you up and says, Hey, do you want to go to this place? And you want to do this? And then they show you the check, you're like, I can't say no to that.

Well, it's work. And we work so I had to get work, so it's hard to say no to work when your whole life was working to get work. It's a weird system that we've embedded ourselves in. And I thought about that the other night when I was leaving the store of working out new shit. It's almost like you guys are watching me make it, build the thing. And then by the time I'm done building a thing, sometimes you're so tired that someone's like, do you want to showcase the thing? You're like, not really.

It took me so long to build that model.

I'm so exhausted.

Just put that Lego in the closet. I'm fine. I'll pull it out at some point. Now, are you the guy where... Because this is starting to happen to me, where people watch a special and then they'll write me and go, Hey, I saw you last year. Same material as the special. You're like, Oh, right. Yeah, that's what I was doing with that. I was building that hour.

See, I know what you're saying. When you're touring it, say you're touring it now, and then the special comes out at the end of the year, and they watch the special, Special, and they're like, I already saw that. You're like, Right, you saw me making it?

Yeah, you saw me make the model, and then you were surprised when the model came out.

Also, I'm sure it wasn't identical. No.

That's what I would say. No, because stuff always changes. And also this new tour will be a different hour than the special. So you just went through that with Cheeseburger. Were you just trying to get material, just throwing shit at the wall and just seeing what worked?

Yeah. I mean, dude, I've got a ton more time now that I'll probably shoot in the summer, maybe. But I want another six months to work it all out.

It's tough, dude. That's the hardest. Because you've pushed the Boulder up the mountain. It's there. You make the special. You're like, I fucking did it. And then They go like, Hey, all that work that you put in for the special, now the hard part. Yeah, it's gone. Because now you got to go on tour and you need a new hour. Right.

You got to start all over, buddy. No, I know. But it's hard because you're trying to push as much new shit as you can while you're working out other stuff. And it's a weird balance. I think America is pretty privy to it. Comedy fans in particular, I think they're well aware of what the process is like now. I think I've had people say, It's fun to watch you build the thing. Brenan was helping me build something the other night, and I said, I had this idea about retweeting the N-word. Am I- So not quote-tweeting.

So you never typed it.

No, I just You just hit the retweet button. Because I thought if I hit the heart, that's condescending. I have to put it back out of the... But we compiled it. That's how it started. And then Fahim and I went to go eat, and we were talking about it. Then by the end of the third set, I had changed the intro and said, One of my favorite rappers, my favorite rapper, tweeted this quote of his, and it had the N-word in it, and I retweeted it. I don't know how to feel about it. Do you guys think I'm going to get in trouble? People murmur and mumble. In the end, I just go, I don't know, man. I really like Jack Harlow. What can I do?

But it built as the night went on.

The first set, it was different. Second set, it was different.

That's the fun part. Yeah.

So I think some fans really like to watch that happen. Some people are like, What the fuck, man? I watched you do that on a thing. It's like, look, dude, when we build it and we put it on the special and we're done, we're done. But we also have to keep making new pieces. We're not like a band. I thought about that the other night. You fucking You write one song, some of these bands, and they're good for a decade. It's like, No, dude, I have to write a thousand fucking jokes over 10 years.

A thousand jokes. What I wouldn't give... The only one who ever did it was Bert Krescher for a while, just going like, No, I'm doing the machine story.

I think the only other person that had one joke that took off as hard as it did was Angela Johnson.

Oh, right.

That joke went viral before viral was a real thing. In the comedy clip page space, it's like that thing, I think it accumulated. At one point, somebody told me over 50 Everyone's seen the joke and they want her to do it.

Hey, I tell people, if you come to my show and you're like, I wanted to hear the urinal bit, I'm like, Fucking yell it out. I'll do it.

You like that?

I don't give a fuck.

Don't yell at my show.

I'm opposite of Brad. Yele at Andrew. No, don't yell at my shows. Tell them to do the entire cheeseburger special, word for word. I don't remember any of it. Isn't that weird, too? I don't remember any of it. It's just like you were doing it every night of your life for years. Then you And then all of a sudden, you put it out there and you're like, All right, gone.

Well, it's like you get to wash yourself clean of it a little bit. That's what's really nice. You get to clap your hands. You're all good to go. I feel like that's what I liked about putting something out. I don't know how quickly I'm going to put out another one, but how many is this for you?

Five? This will be two on Amazon Prime right now, one's on Netflix. This is four. Four? Yeah.

How many do you think you'll do? Do you think you'll keep doing them until your career is done or no?

See, that's the I'm not fascinated with being done, but I fantasize about being done.

Oh, that's interesting.

And just saying, I'm good.

What's your retirement plan?

I just bought a mushroom. It's big enough to hold my whole family. Doing stick. Doing stick, Andrew. Dude, I fantasize about being a cruise ship comic. I do. Really? I do.

That's why. I mean, you can be that if you'd like. I get there.

As long as they let me be dirty.

Well, no, that they don't let you do. You got to be clean on those things.

I know. That part sucks.

But maybe Dirty Dwarf is like a sell.

I mean, just with the alliteration. Yeah, Dirty Dwarf. Dirty Dwarf.

You guys going to see the Dirty Dwarf tonight? Is it fucking on their plate. Did you see Dirty Dwarf on the third tier? He's so good.

All right. Have you ever done a cruise? Have you ever played a comedy on a cruise?

I've never played one, and I've never been on a cruise.

Okay.

I have I have a thing.

Do you not like water? Do you not swim? No, I love boats. Okay.

I don't love cruises because of the people.

Because of the people? Okay.

Well, I just get anxiety around… If it's a massive group of people, like a festival, I don't really like those because I get nervous. Then if I can't leave, that's my fucking panic attack. So a cruise is like, if I get high anxiety around a lot of people and it's like, I can't fucking leave, that would give me the creeps.

Okay. It's a phobia. You're waiting for Jeff Bezos to have his Luminati meeting on a yacht and say, Chido, here's your cabin on the billionaire yacht.

I'll go on that. You can helicopter off of it.

Yeah. Okay. So that's what you're into. I've done a few cruises. I do one every year.

I just can't. I get so anxious. I mean, I've been offered Bert, I think. Well, I couldn't do it because we were on tour. But the few times I've been offered to do the cruises, I get panic attacks, man.

Dude, I do one every year. I do the Chris Jericho Rock and wrestling ranger at sea.

Shut the fuck up. Do you really?

Yeah, every year.

Chris Jericho throws a cruise ship party?

Yes. It's wrestling. It's metal.

They wrestle on the boat.

They wrestle on the boat. It's amazing.

See, this is This is interesting to me. This is better than just a carnival cruise.

This is way better. Chris Jericho is a rocking fucking-Yeah, look at that shit. It's that boat. It's the same boat that Bird actually took out for his cruise.

It's the same fully loaded boat or whatever?

Yeah. Look at that thing. That's fucking wild. There's a wrestling ring in the middle of the boat. There's heavy metal concerts. There's stand-up comedy.

How many people go on this, too? How many people are on this? How many people are on this?

How many people are on this? I I don't know, but it's a lot.

How many people do you feel like you're performing for on any given night?

About... A couple of thousand? I do two theater shows, and that's about, I think it's like 600 each. Okay. That theater. I don't know, but it's awesome, man. I love it. People are like, Yeah, but you can't leave your cabin because you get mobbed. Dude, the wrestling fans are cool as shit. I walk around and everyone just is really cool. They're buying me drinks. You can look up this video. Last Cruise, I I actually got to get in the ring and give a Stone Cold Stunner to that son of a bitch Hornswaggle.

Wait, they let you participate in the wrestling? Yeah. Were you dressed up?

No. Well, they He looked at me like, Do you have any gear? And I'm like, Gear?

Yeah, gear? You think I came to play? I came to do shows.

No, I came to do comedy. There's no gear for comedy. That's the best part about it.

You gave a Stone Cold Stunner to who? Hornswaggler? Hornswagler.

He's a dwarf wrestler. Oh, shit. I don't know if you know this, but like-I definitely don't. Whatever it is, I don't. You could find the video, I give Swaggle the Stone Cold Stunt. And just like when Sonic gets hit, all the rings pop out. That's what happened. All his gold just flew out.

Did Now, do you get to collect his gold? That's the rules. Right. Once one dwarf drops a gold, another one is. So if a dwarf drops a piece of gold, he's not allowed to pick it up. Somebody else has to get it.

Then you have to wait for another dwarf to get it.

That's like that movie, that Justin Timberlake movie, where you take time from other people. What was that? Timeless or limitless? What? That was called In Time? I feel like there's no fucking way that was the name of that movie. In Time. That was the name of the movie.

You're correct. Look at that. Look at that. Kylian Murphy. Kylian Murphy. Johnny Galecki.

You know what's funny about these guys that have had hit after hit after hit after working their whole life because he worked as a kid. He was on Roseanne, Big Bang Theory. Yeah, he was on Rosanne, Big Bang Theory. I mean, come on. Yeah, because for a vacation, he was Rusty.

Just keeps coming with the hits.

He's been working so much since he was a kid. I thought about that the other day when I saw the new TV show for... What's the kid's name? John Crier from Two and a Half Men. It was like, he cashed all those checks, and now he's got another hit network television show. I don't know if it's a hit yet, but you think about that, you're like, Dude, fucking save some room for later, Augustus. Give it a fuck. Let someone else do it. You already did it.

I'm always fascinated with comics like Gabriel, Sebastian, Bur, where I'm just like, If I had one year like that where I made, let's be honest, then Forbes comes out with the list, so this isn't like hidden knowledge. They make between $20 and $40 million a year. Those guys make a lot of money. Yeah. If I had one year like that, You're not seeing me.

You say that, dude, but your wife is Chinese. They spend money, dude. No, but she's like- She's buying property and jewelry.

She's like the frugal Chinese. The frugal Chinese? Yeah, frugal Chinese, which sounds like a really good thing on the menu. I was just going to say, how good is the frugal Chinese Please.

It's a new special. Oh, okay, good.

But yeah, man, I wouldn't be done, but I would just be- Well, then tell me what it is.

You said in your retirement plan, in your perfect vision in your mind, what's Brad's retirement plan?

My perfect vision is that I'm essentially Argus, and I just go up at the Comedy Store all the time.

That's it. So you're retired, but you just pop in when you feel like it.

Yeah, do the creative. And then if there's some cool gigs, okay, I want to go see the Broncos play, great. Let's pay for it. Do a show near there. A couple of gigs in Hawaii. Oh, this was great. I did Hawaii last year. You put the blue note? Yeah. And I'm doing it again this year, and I take the family. We I go to the Disney Resort there. Oh, yeah. Alwani. This kid, she's never going to have... She can never complain for anything.

I was just going to say you're spoiling her, perhaps.

I'm absolutely spoiling her.

Do you keep her caged up at home at all or anything like that? You let her run wild.

It's a short leash. It's a very short leash. It's literally a leash. It's an actual leash. Yeah. Now, the dog, he can go around. He's proving himself.

Well, yeah, he knows what he's doing.

Yeah, he's fine. The kid...

You got to house break that kid, dude.

The problem is that my wife was like, I might put up a baby gate over the stairs. I'm like, No, you won't. Because then that's a Bradgate, too.

Yeah, it's a Bradgate. But that's maybe what she wants.

I'm pretty sure. A little bit of peace around the house. Yeah. That's how I know that we had a big fight that day. Is it come home? Or is it just a baby gate in front of the bedroom door? I'm like, Motherfucker. I can't get in. I got to learn how to pole vault, Andrew.

Dude, you're athletic. We can get it done. Sure we can. So you just want to just chill out, just go pop in once in a while. Yeah. Take it easy.

Yeah, that's my dream. So everyone buy the special on Veeeps.

Yeah, please buy it so he can retire.

So I can just retire, spend time with the kid and watch her do cool stuff.

Is this one of one for you? Or are you going to have another one? You guys done. You're good. We got one. Yeah, that's good. We got one. One's enough, right?

It's the law of diminishing returns, my friend.

Right. Well, you're not going to get anything back from that unless she cures cancer or some shit.

Which she might. Yeah. I don't know. Asian dwarf, baby.

Do dwarf get cancer as much as we do?

You'd think that God would be like, okay.

Yeah, let's not give them cancer.

You got to... You're a dwarf with cancer. That's like the saddest.

I just figured you're lower to the ground. You don't breathe all the air that we breathe as high up as we are.

Oh, yeah. We never got COVID.

How manytwarfs have cancer?

The Cancer-Free Dwarfs of Ecuador. How one man's youthful rebellion may unlock a cure for cancer. The secret to cancer is in little people?

Well, it's got to be. I mean, I imagine if we drink your blood, there's got to be something that does nice for us.

Someone's going to come with a keg tap and just start tapping little people.

Tapping little people? Can you imagine when you donate blood and there's just glitter in the vial and they're like, Wow, I had no idea.

It comes out looking like the mojo from Austin Power's. Purple and pink, and you're just like, Oh, shit. That's right. We could kill Kaiser. Yeah, we could kill Kaiser. We just get the blood.

This is nice. A little Cockny accent.

This is Michael Kind. Because he was in Austin Power's.

This is really good.

Isn't okay, Makolkain? Yeah. It's very easy.

It sounds like a baby doing it, though. It sounds like a little Machokite.

It's basically a baby with a four-pack-a-day habit.

Oh, yeah.

A Cockny baby With a full pack a day habit. Network God, now I almost slipped into Jason Stafem. Because so Michael Kind, he's up here, right?

It's not like you have fucking shit in your mouth.

That's the secret. Michael Kind. Okay. All right. Here's how you do It's an old joke. It's not mine. This is how you do a Michael Kind impression. Say the words my.

My.

Say the words cocaine. Cocaine. Put them together.

My cocaine.

There you go.

My cocaine.

My cocaine.

But it's got to be more my cocaine.

The internet is sure that I use Adderall and or cocaine.

The internet constantly is like, Adderall Santino, add it again.

You know what's so fucking- That's a fun one to play like, what drugs are those celebrities on?

Well, you know what the funny thing is? I've literally I've never taken Adderall once in my entire life. I've never tried cocaine. I've never tried Adderall.

You and I both.

Isn't that wild? I've never taken an Adderall pill.

All right, let's do it right now on this podcast. I want to try Adderall. Bring in the pile.

I want to try Adderall because people always say how they love it. People fucking love it. But also, I'm already a booze bag. I don't need another vice. You have your vice. I have my shit.

Yeah, same with me. I'm always scared. I'll really like it. Yeah. Ari Shafir has been trying to get me to do mushrooms for as long as I've known that man.

I do like mushrooms.

I've never done Really? I've never done mushrooms. I'm worried of I go to a place and then I can't come back. That's what I'm scared of.

I'm a little worried of doing mushrooms with you.

I mean, yeah, because what do I morph into at that point?

No, not morph. It's just I need to get all the secrets out of you. By the way- He knows. I know he knows. This is why God did this right now. He put us together because he's going to tell me all the things I need to hear.

This is why he has all the answers. Hell, he doesn't even get cancer.

Ari will convince you to get into some trouble. He's very good at that. Yeah.

He was talking to me one time. This is back at the store. And then Brian Simpson heard him say that he wanted to get me to do mushrooms. And Simpson came in like, Okay, Brad, no, I've got you. He He had flow charts. He was really into it. So many comics just wanted to get me to do drugs. It used to be when I was younger, everyone just tried to get me drunk. It is fun to get you drunk, though.

It is fun. You are a funny drunk.

The N-words are so cute when I say them.

Okay. We'll be right back.

In here, we pour whiskey.

Hey, I got a lot of subscriptions, okay? Far too many. I don't want to name all them, but you know you're subscribed to all that stuff. Netflix and Max and Discovery Plus and Disney Plus. I don't even know how many I have. It's absurd. I'm If I asked most people, I don't think any of them would know either. A lot of times, especially at the end of the year, we just found out money has been flying off the shelf. The government's like, Give me, give me, give me. I've been charged for stuff that I don't even use anymore, and I had no idea. That's why Rocket Money is here to help. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills. Rocket Money has over 5 million users. That's a lot of people. It has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions. I saved myself a couple of hundred bucks from Rocket Money. Thank you to them for that, for fishing out some stuff that I didn't even know I signed up for, some apps that, quite frankly, continue to charge me, which shouldn't be legal.

But you've been here. I know you have, especially if you're downloading stuff and trying stuff out for trials. Stop wasting your money on things you don't use. Rocket Money can help you get through this. All right? Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/whisky. Stop wasting money on things you aren't using. What are we talking about? Stop wasting the money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/whisky. That's rocketmoney. Com/whisky. Rocketmoney. Com, I think you heard it, but just in case, it's/whisky. This This episode, Whisky Ginger, is brought to you by Squarespace. Often, I have talked about Squarespace because they're the place if you're creating a site. I've created my first couple of sites using them, and I hired other people to do it because they're smarter than me, and I'm an idiot, and I don't have the time to do it, quite frankly. But if you are creating your site on your own, whether you're selling something, promoting yourself, or you just want to show people your art, if you're a personal trainer, or if you're a dog walker, or an artist, an engineer, and you want to put your stuff out there to the world for other people to either purchase, engage, or just straight up like, you got to try Squarespace.

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I like tingers. You are very fun to get drunk because the way you hobble, wobble, and bounce around, it's just, dude.

You know those balloons that you'd punch? You know those pound balloons you'd punch and they wobble?

You keep your center of gravity. But they don't fall down.

Yeah, that's right.

You never fell. Low center of gravity. Don't fall. But man, do I get close. You wobble, dude. Do I get close? People just watch me like that screen saver where the square is going around the corner. You're like, it's going to hit the corner. It's going to hit the- It never does. See, I'm like, Brad's going to fall.

Brad's going to fall. But you don't ever fall. I've never seen you fall down. Even when I've gotten really tanker with you, I've never seen you really like...

No, big ass, anchor.

Yeah, that ass is so thick. That's why when you got to took us like that, you're never going to...

It's not going to- And even if I fall, who cares?

You bounce right back up.

Yeah. It's like a darn balloon, that thing.

It's crazy. It is a big buffer. For people at home, there's got to be pictures of it on the internet. I mean, this thing is like a fucking shelf.

I can start an OnlyFans.

Why wouldn't you?

Between my ass and my feet, I can make some money and never have to actually get naked. Yeah, Dworf ass and foot.

Yeah. Dworf ass foot. Go to onlyfans. Com/...

There it is. There's my dumper.

Guys got a big shitter. You know what's so funny is you could actually start an OnlyFans and be very successful and not have to show anything nude.

No. Okay, so I have really disgusting feet. I have a hobbit foot. I got hair coming on the top. Do you have hair on the top of your foot?

Yeah, on my toes, but it's not excessive. It's just a little bit.

Yeah, I got a hair top. I got a hairy top of the foot.

You have a sasquatch foot? Yeah.

Holy shit. It's a very small That's quatch.

Yeah. Well, you're not a hairy guy, though.

Are you really? I got hairy-ish.

But look at your arms.

Yeah, but that's not that bad. I got hairy-ish.

You got hairy-ish.

I got a hairy back. Hairy-bick. I got hairy.

You got a little hairy There's got to be a fetish for that. Somebody loves that shit.

All right, you know what? This is what we're going to do right now. This is what we're going to do right now. We're going to break the damn internet, Andrew. Now, this is how, nice little ad for Haynes.

This is That's not that bad.

That's not that bad? No, that's not- But then I got these little raptor toes. They like, curl up.

You do have such little tiny feet. Look at those unbelievably tiny little feet.

Yeah. See, this is why it's This is why I'm wearing the Skechers. It's really hard for me to find the good shoes that don't have cartoon characters on them.

I get it. You want to put your shoe back on now? Because I don't want to throw up on the show.

Feeling very free. Feeling very free right now.

They are freaking me out. I'm not going to lie. Something about them is tripping me out. I don't even know what it is. No, don't do it. Get out of here. Brad, get out of here. Brad, get out of here. That is so funny, man, that your feet don't look like they're your feet. You know when you're super fucked up and you look at your hand and you're like, Whose hand is that?

Whose hand is that? Yeah, no. My foot looks like that. It's just like my foot looks like my left foot. Whatever is attached to it is definitely going to make you solve a riddle. Yes.

Are you good at anything like that? At crosswords? Or are you good at Wheel of Fortune?

You know what? I'm addicted to this thing now. Immaculate Do you play Immaculate Grid?

Immaculate Grid?

Immaculate Grid. Okay.

I never heard of this in my entire life. It's a cell phone game? Is it iPhone game?

I do it for football. You could do it for baseball. It started off with baseball. But yeah, so you do it for football. Okay, so here's a grid right here. So the top left square, you have to find a player that played for the Patriots and the Bills. Okay. And then you put that person in. But you only get nine guesses, and you got to get all those right.

So this is like what's that game called? This is like the word game, the wordle or whatever. This is like the wordle for sports.

Yes. That's cool. For Riders and Bills, you could do Marshawn Lynch. So he played for both. But now you can't use Marshawn Lynch again anywhere else. And you only get nine guesses.

Do you solve the Immaculate Grid every time?

No, but it's just That's what I do every day.

Every day. This is keeping your brain fresh? Yeah. Does it tell you when you're wrong?

Yes.

Okay.

That's interesting. Yeah. I do it for football, but they have it for NBA. Nba, in my opinion, is really easy because it's just been Carter every time. They do plays for every- It is, yeah.

Ten teams. Every team. Well, also, NBA, no one has a loyalty to a city anymore. They all play all day. I mean, LeBron's played for what? Four teams? How many teams? Three? No.

Well, he did Cleveland twice.

Right. I guess that's still the same one.

Yeah, but then you got guys like James Harden that's just with a new team every year. So it's like- Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. So I like doing football because then- It's a little bit more challenging. Yeah. And then you go deep dive where you see that little percentage right above Marshawn Lynch's name?

38 %. That's how many people got it correct?

That's how many people chose Marshawn Lynch.

Oh, cool.

Of the people that got it correct, that's how many people chose Marshawn Lynch. Wow. That's wild. So you try to get your number really low to where if you can find an offensive tackle that played for both teams, you're like, fuck, yeah.

That's really hard to do. Yeah. But if you're that guy, you're that guy. Yeah. You're a Denver Broncos fan, though, aren't you? Yeah. Bummer. I mean, dude, I'm a bear fan. I'm not bragging. We're coming back. No, it's a bummer.

We're coming back.

Well, you've got Mr. Unlimited. Mr.

Unlimited.

Maybe one of the most embarrassing videos I've ever seen in my entire fucking life.

Mr.

Unlimited. Mr. Unlimited, for people that don't know, it's the headquarterback of the Denver Broncos. The head quarterback. The head quarterback is the best way to say it because he's not what he used to be. No. Russell Wilson did a whole thing called Mr. Unlimited, where he was doing a promo video. He wanted an alter ego, and he was like, I'm Mr. Unlimited. It might be the most uncomfortable video I've ever seen in my entire life.

Here we go.

Everybody has to have an alter ego, right?

I've been thinking about what my alter ego would be, and I think I have an alter ego. His name's Mr. Unlimited.

You got to be unlimited. Turn it off before I throw up. Turn it off. It makes me nauseous. It's so fucking uncomfortable.

It's insane. One of my favorite things that Mr.

Unlimited. There's no way. I can't believe he recorded that and then was like, Fuck it. Yeah, I'm putting it out.

By the way, I love it when people just say a statement like it's just an easy fact when you're like, No. And politicians do it all the time. They just create the problem that doesn't exist so they can solve it. But right there is a prime example where he goes, Everyone needs an alter ego, right? No.

What? No. No, no. No, no. Nobody does.

No One needs an alter ego. What are you doing? Yeah, you're good. And he just says that like, Yeah, everyone just goes around and has these alter egos. Tiger Woods had one, too. His was called Big Daddy T.

Yeah, but that one I'm okay with. The guy stormed through fucking every Waffle House employee in the United States.

Yeah. Big Daddy T wears a Raiders Santa hat or something like that.

I don't know why. I do like Big Daddy T as a nickname. I'm not going to I'm not going to lie.

Big Daddy T. There he is. So that's his Christmas persona. Big Daddy T.

It is crazy that this guy was a fuck machine. I mean. You know what I mean? This guy was a fuck machine. He's such a sweet nerd from the public eye. You would never be like, That guy's not a fuck machine.

And he didn't have social interaction as a kid. He just was on the golf course all the time. I don't know if you saw the Tiger Woods docking. Oh, yeah. It was dark. Yeah, it It was dark, man. You're like, Oh, yeah. I get how this guy got... When he's asking Michael Jordan, How do you talk to women? And Michael Jordan goes, Well, first of all, you say, Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.

Yeah, that does everything.

That helps.

Yeah, just a little bit.

That's a nice status point to reach where you just walk up someone and be like, Hi, I'm your name. I'm Tiger Woods. And they go, Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

What's the tallest woman you've ever dated, Brad?

Oh, 5'11. 5'11. She was a volleyball player at USC.

5'11? Yeah.

And I'm 4'4.

So how does this happen?

How does this happen?

How does a 5'11 girl is like, I love my short kings, but I love my... You know what? So if a short king... You can't be a short king. What are you?

No, because I hate that term short king because you have five foot five guys being like, I'm a short king. It's like, you're a You're a fucking foot taller than me. You're a fucking foot taller. That's like when Kate Upton will be like, Oh, I feel so fat. You're like, Fuck you. If you're fat, what's like- Say it.

Go ahead.

Mama June.

I thought you were going to go down Lizzo or something. I thought that was what you were going to do.

I was like- Lizzo, that's the go-to one.

That was a little bit of a one. It's a little easier. I'm not being mean.

It was right there. What the fuck? Plus, Mama June lost the weight anyway. She did a whole mommy makeup.

Who the fuck is Mama June?

Mama June Carter? Honey Boohoo's mama?

Sure. Right. Honey Boohoo.

Yes.

One of the greatest cultural icons of our time. She lost a ton of weight, huh?

Yeah, she got a mommy makeover.

That's not the same fucking woman. No. How much weight did she lose?

She did surgeries.

Laugh band or what's the other one called? Ozempic. She's on Ozempic. On the Oz.

Yeah. So to me, that's what it's like when short kings are like- When somebody says short king.

Oh, I'm a short king.

I'm 5'5. I'm like, what? You can still do everything. Pants are in your size. You're not a short king. Although someone was talking to me about this the other day where it's like, they said, Brad, you have the advantage because a 5'4 guy, they're just tiny.

Yeah, tiny guys.

They're just tiny. It just It looks like they didn't try hard enough.

Well, it's not their fault, Brad.

I know it's not. Jesus Christ. I know it's not, but that's what they look like. But then me, it's like, oh, no, he's got a condition. There's a reason why he's that small.

You're a gift.

Yes. It comes all the way around from being bad to all the way around the circle and comes back to being good again. It's good again. Yeah. It's like I had that. But I'll say this, though.

Short king is a weird term because who was the tallest king? I bet you kings were all that size.

When you go Short king. Tallest Who was the tallest king? Xerxes. Xerxes, according to the 300, which is a completely accurate movie.

So he's my size.

What? 6'1?

Who was the tallest king? I'd love to know who was the tallest king. How? How not? The Bible's still around. What the fuck do you know, Macaul.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, the term a foot- The tallest measured British monarch was Edward, the...

What is that?

sixth? 1 minus four. No, fourth. Yeah.

Whose skeleton measures 6 feet, 4 inches. Records indicate that when fully clad in armor, he would have been about 6 foot 7, an exceptional height for any man, especially at that time. That's fucking dope, my dude.

By the way, that's terrifying. A guy coming at you, 6 foot 7, armor. That's so cool.

I would love to know who's the shortest king. It's not Napoleon. Who's the original Short King?

Yeah, because everyone thinks Napoleon was short. He wasn't actually that short.

He was 5'5, right? Shortest height king. 5'4, see?

See, Charles That's the first. Yeah, there you go.

He's 5'4.

That's a foot taller than me. That's the shortest king.

That is a short king, though.

A foot taller than me. I'm not a Short King. You're not. It's something completely different. We need a new term. Big dick, magoo.

No. What was the one we said for the cruisehip? The Dirty Dwarf.

The Dirty Dwarf.

I do like the Dirty Dwarf.

I don't like the connotations of that.

Yeah, the Dirty Dwarf. No, you know what I mean. The shortest British monarch in adulthood was Queen Victoria. She was 5 feet tall.

Why? Five feet tall. Still, seven inches taller than me.

God, dude. Both Edward Longshanks. What a name. Richard the Lionheart.

Edward Longshanks.

They were the ugliest fucking people. They fucked so many of their family members. They just looked so misshapen. But they But they still had height.

They got that jaw, though. They got that inbred jaw. Where the jaw just comes. Yeah, inbred jaw.

You come full. Yeah, it always looks like an English Bulldog.

Yes. You come full like this. Everyone inbred is going to Nigel.

Nigel. Oh, you're going to do great in England. Do all this stuff in England.

To be an inbred name, Nigel.

What's the most inbred name?

Cletus.

Cletus is probably a pretty common inbred name.

What's the most inbred name? This is a red name. This is Google history. America's inbred family. How the FBI hasn't just descended into this room based on this Google history.

Well, I'll tell you, everything we're searching is stuff that's already been searched.

That's very true.

That's what's funny. When you search something like that, you're like, Well, somebody already I looked at it. The Whittaker's, the most in-bed family. Look at this. This is great. They're extremely inbred family. This is as depicted a video.

From West Virginia. What?

Get out of town. No. Oh, yeah. Soft White Underbelly did a whole thing about them. I've seen this. Yeah, it's pretty sad. I think Bob and I have talked about this on Bad Friends, these people. Okay. It's a most inbred family. It's crazy. Oh. Most of them can't even speak or communicate.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that's the Hills Have Eyes. Oh, no.

Yeah, it's wild.

That is... Oh, my God.

And the wild shit is...

And they just keep doing that.

Yeah, you got to. Once you start, you can't stop, I guess. It's like Pringles. Inbreeding, it's like Pringles. Once you start, you can't stop. It is fucking absurd that that's a real thing. Oh, man. Can you imagine when they finally made inbreeding illegal? You know what I mean? For years, it wasn't against the law. It was just fine. Then finally somebody was like, Okay, enough. This is enough. We can't do this. When did it become illegal? When did they make it illegal? What year?

I'm sure it's like, State's rats. It's fine.

Wait, the government federal government abolish the Prohibition in 2010? Are you in the few cases where a person is convicted of incest? Three since 1984. Wait, so it's been abolished now?

You just googled the legality of incest. Why are they not descending on this room? Why is Chris Hansen not just opening your door right now and be like, Have a seat? Sit down.

Can I talk to you for a second? We have your laptop here.

Have a donut.

The best part is I make him bring his laptop to the show instead of mine, which is great. We used to use mine. Now I'm like, No, bring in yours.

No, bring in yours.

Yeah, That is absurd to think about that, though. It took him so long to be like, Okay.

This is a bad thing. Cut it out.

It still varies by state. It still varies by state. That's disgusting. So some states, it's still legal.

So you just look at your sister and be like, All right.

Ukraine, it's legal in Ukraine, and that's why we should stop funding these people. People.

They're just promoting it while they got it.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. We're giving these people money. They're fucking their sisters.

They got to make more soldiers to fight Russia.

That's why they're doing it. Thailand, it's legal. Not surprised. South Korea, not surprised. You ever fucking hang out with Bobby Lee for 15 minutes? Bobby. Him and his brother get along really well.

That is absurd how many countries it's not illegal.

That's fucking insane to me.

We're just like, Wow, you do you. It's Well, you are.

Yeah, you are. You are doing you. You do you. That's where the phrase comes from. You do you.

You do you is for incest.

You don't have to have an etymology of all these phrases. I saw on the internet this morning, somebody told me there's phrases that we use colloquially, but they're racist and we don't even know it. Sure. Someone said there's one, the tipping point. When something's at its tipping point. Do you know what this is in reference to? No. This could be bullshit.

Okay.

But somebody said the tipping point etymology was when... Well, this says in the content, the term tipping point becomes sometimes with white flight. Okay, this is what I was literally going to say. This is funny. It means when enough minorities had moved into a neighborhood, it was the tipping point of percentages where people would leave the community. I was like, That can't be true, but it fucking is right there. Middle of the 20th century, the term tipping point begins to be unhonnest with white flight. Neighbors started to desegregate. White people reached a tipping point when they would think there were too many black people present in our community. Fuck, that's real. I saw on the internet this morning, I thought, How many people use the term tipping point in a business room setting. You know what I mean? And you say it so passively. Just so casually. Yeah, it doesn't sound like a racist. It doesn't sound like it comes from something racist.

No. To me, it just sounds like you're on a scale.

I think breaking point. Tipping and breaking to me seems like the same.

Yeah, it seems like the same thing.

No, we can't use it anymore. No more. What's breaking point from? I don't know. I'm at my breaking point. That can't be.

I feel like if you look- Etymology. I feel like if you look at the history of just about anything- It's going to come back with some racist shit. It's coming back bad.

Well, yeah. For sure, when something is like... When it's something sounds... When someone's like, La-di-da, you're like, That's got to be fucking... You know what I mean? When anything is sing-songy, it's got to be racist.

Well, La-di-da. It's like, That was what they called mentally handicapped people.

A lot of does are over there.

Yeah, a lot of does.

Look at all these fucking lot of does outside chewing on their shoes. Yeah, that's what's so funny. You know all these sing-songy things for sure came from something negative.

Yes. There's so many. It's like, And then as a white person, we know that if you look back into the family long enough.

Not me, dude.

Not you. Not maybe you. Well, yeah, my mom's from Georgia, so.

Yeah, maybe you, pal.

Not us. Dude, my mom moved from Georgia.

Don't throw me in your pool.

What? It's a kiddie pool. It's fine. It is a kiddie pool. Yeah, it's the only one I could touch the ground. Dude, I went to a holiday party with my daughter, and and my nephew, and they had all this stuff for kids. They'd all the bounce houses and stuff. Sure. I was the only adult going in there.

Shut the fuck up.

You went in. I have a video on my phone of me going down the slide. I climbed up. I wanted to race my nephew. So I'm going up there and I'm going down the slide. Did you win? No, my nephew's got skills. He's good. He's got skills. He's going to be a kid. He's going to be something that kid. But you saw the other dad just looking at me like, Son of a Well, everybody wishes they could do it.

We outgrow it. The ball pits that used to be at McDonald's. If somebody saw you in there, it's like he's a grown man, but he looks like he's having fun. I feel like I should just let him jump in the ball pit a few times. It's fine.

The sign just says, Have to be below this thing.

A certain height.

That's right. They don't say, have to be below 14 years old or whatever the hell thing is. So I'm just popping in. It's great.

Cakewalk is great. Cakewalk, I do know. I've talked about this. No. What's Cakewalk? Why can't I use Cakewalk? No, I've talked about this on this show before. Oh, no. Black slaves would mock the way that white people dance. I've talked about this on this show.

Oh.

Yeah, because they would have these dinner parties, and the Cakewalk would... It's actually not racist.

It's the opposite. Is it black people making fun of white people?

Yes, exactly.

Making fun of how- That's okay, then.

Right. Cakewalk is actually the opposite. It's actually funny.

Oh, my... Dude.

They would mock the way that white people would dance after... When cake and Tea were being served and dancing would start, they would mock the way the Whites danced, which I got to tell you, all for it. That's funny. That's just fucking good old fashioned punching up. You know what I mean? That's good old fashioned punching up. That's fine.

Dude, okay.

I'm surprised Tarantino hasn't made a movie called Cake Walk.

That was his last one.

It is funny. You look back, you're like, this guy is obsessed with racism.

He finds a way to say the N-word. Every movie. Every movie. Yeah, every movie. He just hides behind. It's the art, man.

Hey, man.

It's art. Well, I mean, and also he's notoriously in defeat as well. So he's probably watching that video that-He's probably watching this podcast looking at your fucking feet. Yeah, look at the foot. I could put him in a film. I can make that foot walk across cookies. Oh, my God. Just squishing the chocolate chips in between.

You know what cookies you'd be walking over? Oh, yeah. Something the Kiblerells. Kiblerells.

Fudge Shop, baby.

Fudge Shop, baby.

Fudge Shop, baby. Oh, my God. That's going to be my only fan. It's just my hobbit foot squishing Kibler cookies, just getting chocolate all over them, making feet so disgusting.

Brad, here's the one thing I'll say about you. We've known each other for so long, and whenever we do go out to dinner, I am shocked Rocked, stunned, impressed of how much you can fucking eat. Every single time, I'm always like, in my mind, rudely, I'm like, Brett is going to eat half of that. He's not eat that fucking whole thing. You'll get a 32-ounce steak. I throw it down. And fucking eat it. I also have the fucking seafood tower, add salad, soup, four fucking alcohol drinks, dessert.

Yes. I'm always shocked. I'm like, Dude, this guy. I put it down. It's crazy, dude. Yeah. Well, dude, like that. And here's the thing you get to experience as a little person that's very cool is you get to experience, anytime I accomplish something, there's always an average-size person next to me like, Motherfucker. I just make them feel like shit. Okay, so I fly a lot. So oftentimes, I try to stay brand loyal. I get the upgrade. They throw me up the first Sure. I get the upgrade. I love it. Not because of my experience. I love just sitting there and watching everyone board the plane and look at me in a first class seat with all the wasted room that I'm not using and just sitting there like, What will I do?

When the flight- What will I do? When the flight agent comes down, does she try to tuck you in the overhead or no? You're like, No, no, no. Please put the dwarf sideways. Yes. Put him vertical like a book.

Yes. Vertical like the book. Heels first. Heels first.

What do you guys do? Heels and heels first, please.

You got to turn them. Yeah, that's my favorite part about you to get graded.

You're in first class. You know what's funnier? You in those fucking, the lay flat seats. When you know the global lay flat seats.

The global lay flat seats.

That's a bed. That's a fucking twin bed for you. It's a bed.

It goes out. I throw my bag down by my feet. I got room. It's like another storage facility for me down there. Oh, my God. If you go to my car right now, because I have the pedal extenders that go up.

Oh, yeah. I remember the first time I saw that when we first knew each other, and I was like, you got to let me look in the car. I go, dude, you got to let me see how the pedals come out. I got to see what they look like.

Yeah. So the pedals go up. So oftentimes I use that bottom area storage. I just throw shit down there. Yeah.

Well, also be careful. If something gets stuck under the break.

That has happened. Oh, Brad. I've had some- And cars don't have E-brakes anymore.

No. They're all digital now. They're all like, whew.

They're like, Where's the fucking button?

I miss an I'm not going to fucking E-brake, dude.

Just to yank it.

We used to yank that on my first car. My friends would do that when we were driving, which is not good. Not good. But it was fun as fuck to do that. Oh my God. Your car has an E-break still. It's got to.

See, I'm sure one car, one guy that was was like an engineer, was driving down the road, having a fight with his wife, and she just grabbed the E-break. It was like, Fuck this, and yanked it. He's like, No, we're getting rid of this.

That's right.

Never again. Never again. It's going to be a button on the far left side, way far away from you. It's funny.

My car, now, it's not even a button. It's in the program.

It's an Alexa command. Alexa, save my life.

It is fucking crazy that you can't It's a 'oh, shit break', my dad used to say, the 'oh, shit break'. But now, if there's an 'oh, shit' moment, you can't even fucking do that for safety. Isn't that weird to think there's no... Because if you push the digital button of your E-break now while you're driving, I guarantee you it wouldn't activate.

No, it's like some lock system where it's like, well, yeah, but we have the sensors that will sense if- Yeah, fucking right. Yeah. Yeah, fucking right.

I don't get behind any of that. All my friends that have Teslas and all that stuff that are like, oh, dude, the self-driving, I'm like, no fucking way. I just If I die at the hands of the wheel, I want to be responsible. I don't want the machine to kill me on accident because it forgot to fucking whatever.

No, thanks. I don't fear death. I fear a death where right before I die, I go, Motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. This is how it goes.

Well, you remember when you were a kid and you were either skateboarding or rollerblading on a bike or something with wheels, and you know the moment you hit something and you're about to fall and your brain goes, damn it. That feeling of like, Fuck, this is going to hurt.

Yeah, that's You don't want to die like that. No. Where the last thing is where I'm like, Yeah, I got this new E-bike. I don't have to wear a helmet. And then as soon as I hit the thing, right before my brains get scattered over the paper, I'm just like, God damn it. Here's the thing I think about constantly is, and I'm giving your listeners, viewers, I'm giving you guys all permission. Whenever I go in whatever the social media is, Twitter, X, whatever is popular. Who cares?

Yeah.

Let it fly.

What do you mean? Make fun of you.

Make fun.

Oh, yeah. Shit on you.

I know that that's going to happen. No matter what happens to me, no matter how I go. I'm already thinking of a few right now.

Yeah.

If I die in a car accident, someone's going to post a video of a micromachine running into a shoe or something. Here's footage of Brad's car. That's going to happen. I know it's to happen. Okay?

Now, yeah, so many are going through my head right now. I mean. Do it. But we'll bless you. He's three feet down. He's three feet down on the ground. A shallow grave, just a regular Just a regular grave for you.

Just a regular grave. And I saved so much money in the coffin.

He was digging a shallow grave for these dwarf victims. Yeah, covered them up pretty good. Man. I don't want you to die anytime soon, so please don't will that into the universe.

Neither do I.

Stay alive, will you?

I got it. I got an Asian dwarf baby to raise.

You got cruisehips to get on and an Asian baby to raise. Yeah.

Also-not going to let the internet do it.

For the 50th time, people, please watch the special. Go to Veeeps. Support comics who are making their own content. We had a conversation off camera before this about all these big streamers in Netflix and Amazon and all this stuff. I think what's tough these days is there's so much noise that we're trying on our own now to self-produce like you're doing. Yeah. So we can have a little bit of like a rose coming through the concrete a little bit. It's trying to separate yourself because it's super hard. It's so saturated right now.

Yeah.

And how often do you get mistaken for Matt Rife? I forgot to ask that up top. You guys are the same guy.

Dude, all the time. All the time, right? With these cheekbones. Oh, my God.

Can you imagine someone going to your live show and they're like, What? I thought that was Matt Rife. It's a fucking dwarf. By the flyer, I thought it was Matt Wright.

I thought It happens so often. It's really annoying.

It's funny how his name has become so embedded in the comedy culture now, particularly for kids like his age. The young kids know him the most.

I've been a comedian for 20 years. Yeah. No, never in my life as a comic have more family and friends asked about it, reached out to me about getting tickets for anybody than Matt Wright. That's wild. They're just calling me like, So do you like no Matt? All the time. And yes, I know him. There's actually a video right now. It's out. I did a Dr.

Phil. Oh, you did the Dr. Phil with Adam and him?

Yeah. Oh, that's right. So I'm a disgruntled elf. Is there any other kind? No, actually, that's not. And I'm sitting next to Matt Rife. As we're recording, I don't know if it's out, but we did it.

That was a good time with you and Dr. Phil, huh? Yeah. It'll be out right now. By the time this is out, it'll be out.

Yes, exactly. And that was so much fun. Your guys was fun. I watched yours.

Bobby and I had a great time.

You did horrible things, Jeremiah Watkins.

Yeah, well, dude, what are you going to do? He's there. Went in Rome. Got to take advantage of that, kid. That's half of the whole fun. There he is, dancing around. There's cute little Brad dancing around as usual.

Then as soon as the show ended, right now, we're looking at the end, there's like, balloons falling. There were girls rushing the stage. To go to the head of Matt. Yeah, to just rushing the It takes off some of the onus on you because all the girls that rush your stage, it's nice.

They're finally rushing his stage. Thank God.

They're finally, because now you have the real Matt Ryfe there. It's like the old joke that Kat Williams had where everyone thinks the Chrysler is a Rolls-Royce Phantom until a Rolls-Royce Phantom pulls up.

That's right. Yeah, that's you and Matt Ryfe. Yeah.

Everyone thinks I'm Matt Ryfe. Until Matt Ryfe pulls up, you're like, Oh, not a dwarf.

Oh, right. Yes. That's Matt Reif.

I feel like if we say his name enough times in the podcast, it gets into the algorithm, and then it'll... Right. That's right. So we just got to say Matt Reif a ton, and then we got to say things like, How about that Taylor Swift?

There it is. That's very smart as well.

Hit episode.

It's going to be on all of them. You get to embed all the words that you know we're going to be click baity. Yeah. Trans rights, that's got to be in there. Sure. San Francisco, for some reason, is always trending. Always. That fucking city is on fire, and I think no one's going to do anything about it. It's nice for the first time for LA to be the lesser of the two evils.

Yeah, we're like, Oh, we're- We're not that bad. We're good. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we have our unhoused going off. Whatever. Going off on Fentanyl. But they're nice.

Yeah, whatever.

Not like them. Not like them.

We're in a better mood. We're fine. We have more sun. Yeah, way more. We have way more sun. Do me a huge favor, again. Please go watch Brad's New Special on Veeeps. Yes, sir. We'll put the link in the description down below. We end the show the same way. I love you. Thank you for coming. All right, well done. Happy holidays. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's when the cameras are off. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera right there and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, this is going to be embedded in history for the rest of time. Whenever you're ready, go ahead.

Hamster nipples. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like gingers.