What up, whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome to the show. Hey, like the show? Subscribe to it, share it to a friend. Tell everyone you know what we got going on here at the Whiskey Ginger show. My guest is Chris Deseveno. Chrissy D is on the show today. So funny. What a goofball. What a sweet little goofball. My, my little, my little overindulge. Boy. When he comes into town, we always eat way too much. He always gets pancakes for the table. Such a funny dude. Go see him live. Go to christycomedy.com. You can see him. He's on the road. Me and Bobby Lee are doing a bunch of shows for the Bad Friends tour. We're each doing stand up and then bits from the show and live participation stuff. It's a two hour show of fun and chaos and madness. Come see us out on the road. We're going to be doing Salt Lake City, and then we're doing Reno. We're doing Niagara Falls and Windsor and Sacramento and temecula. And then we end this whole jazz over there in Las Vegas, Nevada on 424 20. Man, come see us. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com. Enough rambling.

Let's go to the episode. In here.

We pour.

Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy. Ginger like peppers. The ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskeys, $75 for the horse. Gingers. Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent Ginger. I like Ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. Say the vlog. I guess I'm going to meet him once again today. Way too fast. This time it's Chris. This time at all. Yeah, buddy. And look at this, dude. You're wearing green. I'm wearing a little bit of green because what? Irish? We're fucking irish, mate.

We're hiring and yeah, dude, Ireland. What a country. I just met with 20 minutes ago. I got to see, it was in same room as Natalie Portman. Natalie, let me tell you.

Natalie Portman.

Portman. She is amazing. Beautiful, weightless. I sat in the same chair as her and I went out and did the Jimmy Kimmel show and I was going to sniff the seat. I was like, should I do this as a.

But then, is that from sniffing the seat she got you?

But then I realized, know who's going to see that?

Jasmine. Yeah, Jasmine.

And then I'm going to so mad getting chubby wubby.

What was you doing? Sniffing her seat?

You like white bitches?

For some reason, jazz comes off to me like Rosie Perez did in white man can't jump. That is jazz all the time, Jasmine all the time. Like when you come, she's like, what are you doing, Billy? Yeah, come on, Chris. Stop playing around with me. Studying for jeopardy. What would Jasmine be studying for in this version of you? White men can't. It'd be white man can't joke.

Yes.

And it would be you trying to get on Netflix and she's studying to get on what tv show? What is she trying to.

And she's studying to get on wheel of fortune.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. She's starting to get on family Feud. She's like, I love the feud.

You know I love the feud.

She'll always say. She'll always say, Steve Harvey looked just like my father. And I'm like, your father was a small puerto rican man. Steve Harvey's a giant black man.

But did they both have mustaches?

Yep.

Fair as fair. And they both your mom, dude, I love Steve Harvey.

Let me tell you something, watching family feud, if you go ahead and just put in YouTube Steve Harvey family feud reactions, you will laugh harder than any special ever.

It goes like this, man, you crazy for that one. That ain't going to be up there. No way. Know how? Show me Chenchbug. He is the fucking dude. He's so funny, man. Would you ever do that shit? Would you host a show like that?

Yes.

Because you know, once you're locked into that, that's a long road.

Well, he says, too, when I was watching the other night, like the deaf comedy jam, like, 25th anniversary show, and Steve Harvey, like, everybody's talking, saying, whatever. And Steve Harvey's like, I ain't with my money. I ain't up here around all this cussing. I ain't messing with my money. So I ain't going to say none. I'm going to read the prompter. Okay. I have not listened to a second of the cat. William Shannon sharp.

You're the only guy, I think it's got 90 million views on YouTube.

I keep planning on listening, but I just haven't done it yet. Did you listen to the whole thing?

Whole thing.

And were you like stitches?

Laughing, mesmerized. It was amazing.

Were you laughing, though?

Yeah, of course. At points. But other stuff was just like, wild to watch him just call out everybody.

What's the wildest one? He said, because I'm off the Internet.

Well, it's not wild in the sense of, like, shocking. He doesn't like Ricky Smiley, I'll tell you that. My good God. He doesn't like it. He was going after Cedric. He was going after Steve Hart. I mean, he kind of shot at everybody.

But saying what? Like, their hacks?

Kevin Hart really doesn't like Kevin Hart.

But what was he saying is the problem that he was having with them?

I mean, he does it in a very convoluted, he almost Kanye esque in the way, right? It's like, where he's like, add all over the place, calling everybody out for all sorts of stuff, and he hates this guy for this reason and thinks he got in the business because of this, and he ain't even putting in the work and all this shit. And you're like, I don't know. I feel like he's got a lot of personal gripes with people and that we would never even see the true depth of it without getting both sides of the story.

Right.

But he does a lot of, uh, he gets somewhat into the illuminati of Hollywood, like, blessing people in saying that they make all black comics and entertainers wear dresses at some point in their career, or try to, and they should, by the way, and they should. If you want to be progressive in this business and you want to grow your career, you should be wearing a dress. We are going to wear a dress on the next show that we do 100%.

Literally. That's what I don't understand what people want. It's like, do you want to be, do you want to be inclusive? And do you want to support the feminist movement?

That's right.

Then get your black ass out there.

In a dress, dude. It's such an insane when they're like, they've tried to make us look like fools in dresses. Now, listen, the issue that black entertainers will have with Hollywood and the way that they're treated black people shouldn't be complaining about shit.

Slavery was 200 years ago. This is 200 years ago. Yeah, people go nuts.

Come on, man.

That was so long ago. Yeah. Hey, I don't got nothing to do with it. And ain't me. It wasn't me. My family got here from Ireland.

But the fact that they always tease about the dress thing is like, yeah, beyond maybe black comics have always felt, like, taken advantage of by the business. Maybe. But the other side of it is, dude, they make all comics wear dresses. We're clowns. They make us do the dumbest version of whatever the thing is whatever. The thing is, they're going to go.

And then get this guy to look like a biggest idiot. Yes. That's the thing.

It's being a comic.

You signed up to do that. They would never make a black actor wear a dress if he or she.

And they should.

Yeah, but I get it. But I got to listen to that.

It's great. I just think there's points like that where you're like, look, dude, the business is wonky and unfair and weird and creepy anyway. Trying to connect all these dots that aren't really there. Sometimes you're like, no, man, we're just, look, I know I'm not going to be Glenn Powell. Do you know what I mean? Like, what are we talking about?

Ripped it. Could you.

Dude, so hot. So it's like, yeah. When they're like, hey, Santino, will you look goofy in this scene? It's like, that's what I'm for, dude.

That movie with Glenn Powell and Sidney, I would let both of them at the same time.

I'm not interested in her at all. He's way hotter than her. She's just a girl.

I heard that his girlfriend dumped her. Dumped? He got dumped because of these. Sydney Sweeney's fucking.

I mean, they're beautiful together. I joke, but, my God, are they both, like, those are kind of people that if you saw them in high school, man, you'd be so jealous of the perfect person.

If I took Glenn Powell's dick and abs and put it on Sidney Sweeney.

So her boobs with his dick and abs.

Yep. Yummy, yummy. My tummy.

Sidney Powell. Glenn Sweeney sounds better.

Yes.

Glenn Sweeney kind of sounds like a porn star.

Yes.

Starring Glenn Sweeney.

Glenn Sweeney.

Remember, boy? Remember that? Yeah. Or schwing. Whatever happened to that shell wing, man? Whatever happened to those kind of phrases?

I know. We should bring.

What's other stuff that we said when we were a kid like that?

Duh.

Duh. I miss duh show wing.

I mean, dude, there's so many things that, like, kids just say now that were like, iconic movies from our childhood. Like, MILF. MILF was from American Pie. All the ones from sharded. From along came Polly. Like, I farted, a little bit of shit came out. That's Philip Seymour Hoffman in such a.

Good, by the way, such a good scene.

Oh, great.

He was so good.

What about Elon K? Polly? The very four second scene when Philip Seymour is walking in, he just slips on, dude.

That scene when he slips and falls on the dance floor is so good. I know. It's like some people fall on camera. Well, he's a genius. How? He fell. He fell like a genius. Took his own feet out. It was incredible.

But there's a map there, right? He's not just really eating it.

No. What you see, you see, you saw for real.

He ate it on the floor.

If I remember correctly, the shot is like a big, wide shot. You see him fall down, you don't see him fall out of frame. You watch him hit the ground. Like you physically watch him hit the floor. It's brilliant. Dude.

Dude. That movie. Along came Polly, I think, is one of the most underrated comedies. It's funny from the beginning to the end.

Yeah, it's such a good movie. Well, all those movies back then, and I think we're doing it now more in comedy. Comedy movies are trying to come back and be more goofy. I miss Goofy. I miss weirdo goofy, weird, the wedding.

Crashers, all those old schools.

Like, there's goofy shit.

It's goofy. And that is coming back. Maybe you're in one of them.

Maybe.

Tell anyone.

No, we know when the movie comes out. I hope people do find it to be fun and goofy. It's stupid.

When's it coming out?

March.

March? You're going to have a little premiere party.

I don't know, man. I'm going to be in New York promoting and then the premiere is in New York.

Oh, can I come?

No, honestly, you can't. I don't want you. You'll be my date.

Fine.

Well, you have to wear a dress.

I will wear a dress in blackface. You ready for this? What about this theory that Mike Cannon told me? Our good friend Mike Cannon, he said what he believes is that.

When you.

Die, when you die, so let's know it's me and you. If you die, you only died in my simulation, but you are actually going on and living in another simulation. So he thinks that that's what it is. So you're not actually dead.

But what about all the other people that I'm dead to?

That they're just all die?

If I die to you, I also die to my mom and my dad. What do you mean?

But he said it's all part of the simulation.

This singular? Yeah, it sounds like this guy's a little sociopathic. It's all about him. I know it's all about me.

My cannon mushrooms.

No, I think I agree with some of that. I understand the idea that we're all living. The thing that I feel like is the most sim thought to me is like what this looks like to you looks totally different to me. But I think you see what I see because we can name things about it that look similar, right?

Like even a color blue might be. This is blue is different.

Yeah, it is blue to you and I because something is similar in the simulation. But I can tell that in your eyeballs doesn't look the same to me. I bet. I bet it all 100%.

And then there's another theory. I've talked about this on the pods where that what we actually are is this is a prison planet and that we're enslaved.

We're in prison, right?

It's not aliens are up there or out there. It's. They're in another dimension. They're right here. Except they're in the fourth, 5th, 6th dimension. And we can't see them. But they could potentially see us. And these reptilian beings, Clinton, they've. Yes, they've kept our souls in this prison planet and they feed off our anxiety, depression and negative emotions. And the ones who are really, really famous, like Barack Obama and Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber and people like this, they've made deals with these reptilian beings where they said, you can feed off my soul for eternity.

This is such insane, loopy shit.

But you could feed off my soul for eternity. But every time I die, because time is happening all at once. The one five hundreds are happening as the 3000s are happening every time you put me back in the simulation in a prison planet, I am famous and I have this glorified life. And that's the deal I make with you. But when we see like the light at the end of our lives, that's all a trick by the 4D reptilian beings because they want your soul back in the system and only people can get out are monks and trans.

You're still using mushrooms?

No, I haven't.

This sounds like it.

This is right from the death of my cannon.

Oh, this is my cannon on mushrooms though. Yes.

My cannon is a mushroom.

Yeah, he's a little fungi.

I haven't eaten one thing today, Andrew. No food. I swear to God. Not one guy.

Well, we're going to go to dinner after this. You're going to get plumpy wumpy. Yeah, because we're going to get italian food.

Yeah, because last night I fucking got drunk and high.

You talk about it. You went to Bill Maher and you got way too stoned.

Way too stoned.

And you were texting me nasty stuff.

Yes. And the last 20 minutes of that show is defending January 6. For real?

You were defending it? Yes. You want to be able to do it again to Bill Maher?

And he was like, what do you mean by that?

When you and I were there, you climbed faster than anybody I've ever seen before. The way you could scale a wall was impressive.

That's how I hurt my achilles. They were calling me Spiderman. I woke up this morning, I blacked out. I woke up this morning, and I had Oreo Brownie in my belly button.

Wait, you blacked out last night?

Yeah, dude.

I seemed very with it.

I was out of my wine. I was treating you nasty things that are not okay.

Not okay. We'll put up some of the text exchange right here in the middle of the screen so you guys can see all the stuff that he said.

That is not okay.

Can you imagine if they crack open your text to your friendship circle and they put it out to the world?

I'd be, no, see this.

I don't think you would be, because we're all up. I think everyone in this world says up shit to their friends.

We would all cancel each other out.

No, it wouldn't even cancel. Everyone would go, ooh, I guess. Should we just. We should just be nicer to everybody.

Yeah.

Instead of trying to get mad at people for saying dumb shit. Because we all say dumb shit all the time. There's no way. Even the most cognizant, liberal minded fighting for the lesser than. I'm sure they say dub shit sometimes to their friends.

Human beings.

Yeah. You have to. It's a part of the. Otherwise you're not present.

How's your back? It's so much better. Your back was. You had a boom.

I'm going to physical therapy way more often. I also told my boyfriend to take it easy back there. My back is better, though. My herniation has subsided.

Okay.

I still have a little bit of hip impingement, some pain. But I go to physical therapy all the time. It's been changed my life. Literally changed my life.

No. Are you working out again now, too?

Three days a week.

I can tell.

Well, sometimes four, but honestly, three, four is, like, pushing it.

Right.

When I go the fourth day, I'm bummed that I'm there. Right. But I haven't had a little bit of booze because I'm slowing down because the holidays got me good.

You were getting.

Have you ever felt your heartbeat in your hair? You know what I mean by that?

Yeah.

I did not like it. Yeah, we were just partying.

Right?

Partying it, but it's so hard. And people know little root and toot and food and mootin. I'm not booting no nose beers for me, okay? I keep it real straight and just nose beers. Do I put a couple of pills in there once in a. I don't. You know that scares the shit out of me, right? Pills scare me so much because everyone, you know that ever did them died. Everyone that had fun with them died.

Yeah. I've been getting hammered out here, and then what I do is I go over to Dr. Drew's house, and I let him light me up with some ozempic.

He got you the Oz? Yep.

I get hammered, and then he just.

Put, what do we talk about Oz before the show? It's giving everyone weird cancer.

That's when I'm hearing that. And diet sodas.

I'm not going to stop drinking diet things like that.

And then something else called vaccinei started.

Making my own boosters.

You did?

Yeah, at the house. Come over and get one.

I want to come over and get one. Come on over. Come on over, baby.

You know what's so funny, though, is my neighbor, a guy who lives in my neighborhood, I should say, because neighbor always makes it sound like he lives next door. Guy who lives in my neighborhood went on like, old guy. I see him sometimes. He went on a long rant. He was like, you get boosted? And I was like, oh, yeah. I talk to people about all that nonsense. He's like, why not? I don't know, man. He's like, you got to get all of them. I was like, well, they're not Pokemon. You don't have to get all of them. He's like, you got to get all the boosters you should get whenever they come. I said, well, I don't know. You do whatever you want to do. I don't really give a shit. And he was like, well, you ought to do it. They got good stuff in there. And I was like, how have they tricked this old man? I think the old guys would be the ones that are like, wouldn't want to do it.

Yeah, well, you know who it is? Fauci. Now, I don't know what's going to happen.

I don't know. We're all going to get sick again. Everyone's going to get continually sick.

You think?

Yeah, we're just going to keep getting sick.

We're getting sick.

We're going to keep getting sick.

I think that in 2024, I kind of feel like, because people are like, oh, who's going to be the president and all that.

Who is going to be the president and all that?

I think the president is going to.

Be Nikki Haley and Ronnie DeSantis.

Yeah, but it seems like he's not doing well anymore.

Ron DeSantis and I, we went ax throwing one time. I was down in Florida, we went ax throwing.

Yeah. Was it good?

He hit a couple people. That was not good. He had to get out of dodge.

Whoops.

Yeah. But he goes, hey, man, no state income tax. And then we got out.

Other people like, all right.

I want to party with those guys once, those lunatics. I want to party with.

What are we going to have at Chiconi's tonight? Chicken palm.

Tonight at dinner, we're going to have chicken palm, Yan Ville Parmigian. Going to have a little mama lasagna. I want fried artichokes. I want calamari.

Yeah. Can we eat a lot?

I didn't eat lunch.

You didn't eat lunch? What'd you have for Breck Hanks?

Can I be honest with you? No, but I do love. I wanted to be skinny in front of this meeting I had. So I had peanut butter and bananas on toast at blue bottle. We had peanut butter and banas and toast. And I said, can I have a cappuccino, please? And he goes, small or big? I go, I'm pretty small.

Yeah. What was the meeting?

It was at blue bottle. Oh, where? What was it?

Yeah. Some tv stuff.

Yeah, kind of. If I want to do some future development.

Do you ever go into these general meetings? Like, I went into one today and I'm like, I have fun, but I'm like, what? No, you guys don't care.

It depends on if I click with them, if they're cool.

Has it ever turned into anything for real?

No, but I don't take generals anymore.

No, you just won't.

I'll meet with people that I already have had business with or known before or met through somebody else. But, like, just a random general can't do it. I don't know. It's just kind of tough because it's like, unless they're like, hey, we have a thing that we definitely need to talk to you about.

Right?

Because otherwise it's like, I don't know, man. You want to do know? No, I don't want another water. You asked me five times, I don't want a water.

What do you think you're going to move to New York? I'd like to keep saying, you want to?

Yeah. I mean, this year I'm going to be there a lot.

Well, let's talk about my self sabotage and how much I fucked my life. You want to know?

I've. Please.

So I fucked up because we had this beautiful house in Staten island where you're fucking welcome and everybody's welcome as long as you do one thing and one thing only, and that's have the american flag on your car. That's what it is. The toll for the bridge is $17.76.

Is that really what it is? 1776?

That's what it'll always be. So we lived on Staten island, which is like, over a bridge. Beautiful place. I had a great house at a 3.1% mortgage rate. So beautiful.

Point one. Yeah, little, little. What is it now? Seven and a half, yo. Yeah.

Yuck. So I said, I have a lot of peace. I have no chaos in my life. I have a low payment. I said, let's bring on chaos. And I sold the house. And then I moved my family from a five bedroom mouse with an in ground pool and gave them everything ever wanted, and I moved them into a two bedroom apartment with roaches. And I swear to God.

Where are you now? You're in Brooklyn in Queens.

And I said, you know what? This is going to be good. And then Jasmine was like, this is the stupidest thing we could have ever done. Why are we doing this? I was like, just trust me. We've got this beautiful apartment, and we were living in a temporary apartment that wind up having roaches. And then we were going into this other apartment. We were going to renovate it and all that stuff, and then that fell through, and now we're living in a rented house that's kind of like a nice house, but it's, like, very old, and I'm paying more in rent than I was for my mortgage. That's half the house with no pool.

You're fucking idiot. Wait, but you sold the house fast.

So fast.

Yeah. Did you make any money?

Any of the money that I made had went to the renovations and everybody, like, the guys from the neighborhood in Staten island who, like, I see still, they were like, when we saw you sold that house for that price, we were like, what the are you doing? And one of the guys, he goes, let me ask you a question. Be honest. Your real estate agent was a woman. I said, yeah. He goes, that's why. He goes, she just wanted the quick.

Sale because you know these women, they won't last.

He goes, you could have sold your house for 300 grand more.

Yeah, and you're stupid and you're a stupid. And now the guy that's in there.

So you know what? Hey, do you self sabotage you think or not as much?

Sometimes, yeah, for sure. But it's like, with this kind of stuff, my living situation for me is, like, perfect. It's like, leave me alone. I want my little thing. I want to live humbly. I don't need a house in the hills. I don't need all that shit. I don't know. I don't care about any of that.

You live well within your means.

Yeah, it's just a regular house.

You have a beautiful house.

It's a house, right? And so I feel good about that. I never was chasing the bigger box. Didn't care about that.

Oh, from the beginning, from when you were wheelheaded lad.

When I was a little lad back in Ireland, and I took the boat over, I said, one day me's gonna get a regular house in here.

We pour whisk.

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Yeah.

What do you do?

What about the guys that she wants to hang out? Where do they stay? Who? The other guys.

The other guys that my wife is fucking. They come and they go, okay.

They don't need a room.

Hey. They come and then they go.

Yeah, because I've been.

No, I got to get minimalist when it comes to that stuff. Like, I clean out shit constantly. I give away a lot of stuff.

If I have, like, how many pairs of sneaks he got.

I have more golf shoes than regular shoes. I have so many golf shoes.

Yeah.

It's embarrassing. It's my little crack addiction. What do you think of these? I told you how much I love those.

I looked at them with a dress sock.

Those are really cute. I'm surprised you didn't wear your suit. Okay, why didn't you wear your suit to this? You wore a suit on Kimmel and you didn't want to wear it for me.

You know what it is?

Because number one, Kimmel whiskey ginger, is.

That I took the suit off because I didn't want to get hit in the face with your boner again because we're going to do spots tonight. So I don't want to be on stage in a suit.

No.

I said yes to doing spots at the comedy store, but now I don't want to do it.

No, do it.

Who cares? Because I want to just eat and hang out and not have to worry about doing.

Well, you could bail, but I don't like bailing.

I don't want to bail. But also, you're going to come with me.

I know, but you're a late. It doesn't. If you did bail, you're a lad, but you're a late ad. It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

So now this place that you got in Queens.

Queens?

Are you going to stay there for a while?

Well, we have a year lease, but my girl is obviously, like, we had a house, like, with roots. What are we doing? I was like, let's go back to Staten island. She was like, are you out of your mind?

Can't do it.

I was like, for you, babe. Well, the thing is, with kids, I want to keep moving my kids school. I cannot keep. My daughter has moved three schools in four about.

Have you thought about some of the tunnels in Brooklyn from the synagogues?

Yes.

You could live down there.

Well, that's what I think.

There's a lot of room down there. Oh, they filled them up already.

Yes, and that's what I was saying. I was like, why did you not give me an opportunity to fucking? Not at least take a look and see if that's something? We're not nice down there first?

It'd be kind of nice and cool.

Hasidic Jews, they have them in pretty much just New York, and most.

Most. I've never seen a hasidic jew outside of New York or Los Angeles personally. This is the spot.

Like that?

Yeah, leave it really nice. And.

Um, I feel like jewish people are right now.

This is his Kanye moment.

I feel like jewish people right now. They're getting beat up a little bit because the last thing you ever want to do is fuck with my army. The palestinian army.

You dropped out of Hamas years ago.

Years ago.

But you were into. Dude, I was into. Imagine, like, it's a band. I was into Hamas before all this hubbub was going on. I mean, I was a Hamas guy a long time before Hamas.

Just another thing made by the United States. Just like ISIS. That's what people say.

Well, you actually knew a couple of ISIS cats. We used to have a bowling league, and we used to bowl with some ISIS.

Yes. Yeah. Jihadi John. Remember him? I knew him. He was a good friend.

Jihadi John.

Jihadi John was a good kid.

Kid had a stroke on him. Dude, I think he was 255. Average kid could roll a stone.

You know, I've never bowled in my life or played golf.

Let's go bowling.

You want to play golf?

Yeah, I love bowling. I don't want to take you golfing. It's way too hard, right? If you've never played, it's going to you up bowling. Any idiot can try and do. We'll get you bumpers.

Anyway, is even starting golf right now too late? I'm 39. If I've never tried, it's like it's.

Never too late to start. Never too late to start. But that being said, it's going to frustrate you because you're a competitive guy, you're an athlete. So it's going to be hard on you because you're going to think, how come I'm not better than this?

Because it takes so long to get good at golf, right?

No. You have athletic ability. You'll get good fast. But it's definitely a process, dude. It's really lame. It's stand up. Once you find it, like, you know, you're good, but before that, you're like, how come I can't?

How long have you been playing golf? Golf? For real? For real.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me when I was a kid how to do it, and then we would go to, like, a driving range once in a while, and then I played, like, I don't know. Not really. We weren't country club people, so I didn't have any money to go play golf. And municipal courses, you can only play on the weekends, obviously. So it's like, we didn't play a lot, and then I was broke for so long.

You still broke? Come on, girl.

I was broke for so long, I never could afford to do that. That was fucking nuts. So, like, in my kind of started up again, I would say, and by the time I was 32, 33 is when I was, like, I could afford to go play.

Golf is what you do now. Golf is your life. When you go on the road, you're looking for golf courses. You want to go see as many golf courses as you can.

I like them.

Yeah, well, you know what it is?

If I'm being real at this moment in my life as a 40 year old man, for now know I like the peace it brings me. I like clearing my head. I don't think about much. I have fun with my friends. It actually is kind of a way to escape and not, the world doesn't exist. You get to just go away for three and a half because you're deep in that course. Yeah, but you're just talking shit. You're having fun with friends. It's great to have a drink. It's great to have a good meal.

Yeah. Not you, though. No more drinking.

Well, maybe we'll see. No, I will be drinking. I'm just not drinking right now.

How long do you think you'll go? No drinking.

If you. Two more hours at dinner. I'm having wine.

You might have one at Chiconi's.

No, I can't, dude. I can't. I got to be a good boy.

Okay.

No, I'll probably have one at Chiconi's for you. I'll probably smoke a little crack. Can you imagine? Yeah, I'm like, dude, I'm not drinking for a while. Cut to me just smoking rocks. I'm smoking fucking crack.

So you might have a drink at Chiconi's? Yeah.

With you.

All right, fine. But I don't want to force you to do it. You don't have to do it.

I just want you to posture know? I'm going to eat as much pasta as I can possibly eat because I'm a little fatty patty sometimes.

Are you fatty now? No. You look good.

No, I'm okay. But when I eat with you, you and I get little fat boy syndrome.

When I was putting on my suit today, I was staying at Don de Pettis house, and he was like, when I was putting it on, I had no shirt. And he goes, are you still working out? And I was like, what? He was like, you still working out? And I was like. And I was like, right before I'm about to go on Kimmel, I was like, yeah. He was like, oh. He's like, it's the winter. We just pack it on sometimes. I was like, I felt good about my body. I was addicted. Like, why? I didn't ask you.

What was that about? I don't know. He's insecure about his body.

That's what it is.

Because he's a little fatty patty, too.

Is he fatty? He's a fatty.

No, he's junkie wonky.

You never get fat.

That's the thing about I've never been fat. I've been out of shape for sure, and I'm not in the best shape. I'm in okay shape now, but what.

Does that mean to you, out of shape if your body doesn't change in the mirror? Like, what is out of shape? You're breathing, right?

Because normally I breathe like this, and then when I'm out of shape, I breathe like this. Does jazz snore at night, by the way?

No. I do, though.

Bad fucking. She snores.

My daughter snore.

My God, dude. Yeah, sometimes.

What do you do?

Well, I get the pillow thing. I get why people strangle people with pillows. Yeah, it's snoring. That's what it's based on.

Well, she should go get. They have these things called snore balls. You put them under your head, and it keeps your head pitching out, and they're called snore balls.

Hey, I'm the only pair of balls in that bed that's going to get anywhere near her head. You understand what I mean? No. I told her we got to get her a different pillow so she changes her lie angle or whatever.

Yeah.

Doesn't want to hear tea bag jazz.

The other day when she was sleeping.

Get real.

And I didn't even tell her until now. Just dropped them off. And then I went and got an uber.

Little bit of Cosby tea.

Yeah, go bang.

When you guys hook up, do you hook up in the morning or at night?

If we're going to hook up, to be honest with you, because of the kids, we usually have to do it sometime in the mid, like late morning, early afternoon when they're all at school. Yeah, but a lot of times it's like, hey, can we have sex today? And she's like, it's Wednesday. You know I don't have sex with you on Wednesdays.

Right? That's my day.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's when she goes out to LA.

So, yes, she comes out for the day. But we do it if we're going to do what we're doing in the afternoon, which is. It's nice for us because we have the kids and we have to obviously be careful with kids, but when they're not there, it's like we're like teenagers. Like, in the open house where it's like, holy shit. Because you can't with the kid.

Most fun room outside of the bedroom to have sex.

Most fun in the living room on the couch where everybody sits.

Oh, right. So when your kids are watching a movie, they're just smiling, just looking at them.

Comfy family comes over. We're like, please, dicky, what about you? Where do you like to have sex? Outside the bedroom.

Outside the bedroom? I think the best room. I do like the living room. That is kind of nice. But big backyard fan.

You have outdoor sex?

Love, dude.

Can people see it or you got the trees where they can't see in privacy?

I mean, I'm flying a drone over most days that I'm outside, so I'm recording it myself.

Right.

Go to my onlyfans right now. Backyardbumping. Onlyfans.com. Backyardbumping.

Yes.

That's my site and it's pretty cheap. It's only 1299 per month to join. To watch me poke in the backyard.

Not bad. Better than Patreon?

No, we have protection where you can't see into our yard. I mean, one house could see and one neighbor could see. He's cool. He's chill as fuck.

He don't give a fuck.

No, he's probably up there pulling, filming it.

Would you honestly care if he had film of you having sex with your wife out as long as he used.

It for just himself? I wouldn't care.

You honestly wouldn't care if he's like, this won't get out. You'd be like, fine.

He was like, I've been capturing you.

Yes.

But I was like, just don't let it leak, dude.

There's a lot of fucking perverts out there. I was in the mall.

Such a fucking broad. There's a lot of perverts out there.

I was in the mall and some guy. So first of all, let me tell friend. I had a friend who worked. He was like, an NYPD, like, sex crime cop. He would say, dude. He said, first of all, he was like, as a tourist, when you go to Rockefeller center and you're wearing big jackets and stuff like that, he goes every day, multiple times a day. When he was working there, I would have to walk up to a woman and take her out of the crowd with her family and let her know that a man ejaculated on the back of her jacket. He said, guys would just walk around and jerk off on the back of women's jackets.

That is awful. It's so funny because it's insane.

Yeah, people would just do that, do that. And then he was like, we'd have to catch them, arrest them, come coats.

Got to get the cum coats.

But he's like, but then there's no data. We can't do anything. Like it's a crime. But we would have to let the woman know. But sometimes he was like, I'd feel bad. I'm like, letting these women know.

How would they catch the guy?

They would have teams, so they would, like, look for it. Because he said you would look. He said, what happened?

No, he said, I know who this is.

Yeah. He said, you would see a guy, like, in a big bubble jacket, and you would know that. You could tell, like, his arms weren't in his jacket, but he would put his arms in his pocket, but he's really just jerking off.

How can you jerk off to fully clothed people in traffic?

It's all their kind of forbidden thing. So they would do it.

That's fucking weird.

Then he would have this guy. He said they had this guy. They were watching him, whatever, and they were looking at him. This guy looks fucking weird. This is like, in the summertime, they said, this guy looks, like, weird. He's a walker. He's got these big boots on, and they were like. And then he's like, NYPD. We're always kind of watching, and we'll just track you. So he was tracking this guy through Times Square, and I'm like, what the fuck? He keeps stopping at the intersection and then he does something with his boots, and he flicks these buttons, and he runs away. And we're like, what is he fucking doing? So they couldn't figure it out. So keep going. Watch it and watch it. And they found out he had cameras on the tops of his shoes. And he would walk up to a girl, up, skirts up the skirt, and he would click it. And he had all these pictures. So he said, we found this guy. We nailed him.

Wow.

He had thousands of pictures of, like, women's vaginas, but he's like, but we can't match anything to the women.

All right, whose vagina is this? Yeah, come claim your vagina.

Then he said there was another guy who would run up and down 7th avenue with, like, these little short booty shorts, and he would just finger his asshole all day and run up and down. He said every time they would arrest him, the guy, like, they would go to arrest him, and he would pull his fingers out of his asshole and try to push them on the cops.

That's called doing the Derosa. That's what that is.

Joey D. And so he was like, that guy. But he's like, I was like, guys like that that you would arrest. Would you just, like, laugh? He's like, we actually would look forward to arrest him because he'd be hilarious in the back of the cop car. But he smelled like pure ass. Like his ass was open, like, in spread and dirty. He was like, it was disgusting. He goes, and you would smear it on like that. Yeah, he was like, that's just gross. But he's like, well, we have to deal with.

That's what they got to deal with all the time. That's what cops have to deal with all the time. Every day, watching some guy run up 7th avering, he's like, so you think.

I'm not going to one day, then all of a sudden shoot an unarmed citizen? Of course I am.

You know how much poop I've had smeared on my car?

Wouldn't you. Wouldn't you do it? Wouldn't you do it? Yeah, you know what I want to get, too, Fritzconis? I want to get a pizza for the table.

Come on, man. You always do that. And then that's when it gets hard, when you get for the tables, because every time we have breakfast, you get pancakes for the table.

But I didn't eat anything today. But you think I look good? You don't think I look fat?

No, you look very good. Did you do good on camel?

To be honest, I think so I felt like this is my second time that did it, and the second time I've done it. The first time I felt like I did a bit better, but today was still good. I feel like I was telling long, drawn out stories today at the punchline. Would get a laugh, but not like a big laugh.

How about the crowd?

The crowd was great. That's the problem. The crowd was so great. And that's all you kept hearing is, this is the hottest crowd they've had all year. And then I went and it was like. It felt like I put up a stinker.

And Natalie Portman went before you. Then she got up because she didn't want to be on camera with you sitting next to her. So then she left.

Why don't they do that? Why don't they have the guests sit next to each other anymore? I would have loved to talk like the old days.

Yeah, I think they don't do that because it's almost like, why is the guest just sitting there watching you be interviewed again?

It's also she's an A list celebrity. Why does she care?

I want to talk and you're not even on the list. No, she's a list. I don't even see a list on.

I know nothing.

No, but I get. It's like, they would do that for. If I was on there, too. Same thing. It's like, they're like, look, she's got to go. She doesn't want to be sitting next to you. Unless we had met one time or done something together. Then maybe they'll probably sit there to chat it up with you.

Yeah, I love my boys. Like, hey, just FYi, she's divorced. I'm like, so you think that gives me a chance? So I'm like, what am I going to do, introduce Natalie Portman to Jasmine and my children? Like, why did you even text me that? My group chat is so dumb. Like, hey, we just read this article.

She's divorced. Did she get divorced?

Yeah. So I'm like, again, even if I was single, what am I going to say to her? What would you fucking even say to her?

I would love it if her people reach out next week and are like, hey, she wasn't able to say hi to Chris, but she really loved watching him from backstage and was too shy to ask. But she kind of was interested in him. Yeah, he's changed your whole life. I would tell Jazz, well, you tell Jazz. You'd leave her and the kids.

Yeah.

You'd move back to the city. You'd be living in Manhattan, living your good life.

That's it.

And you're married to Natalie Portman.

That's it. And I would, you know, I got some cash for you, jazz and the.

Kids, but you have to convert. You'd have to convert to Judaism.

Judaism.

Because she wouldn't mess with you if you were playing this Christian.

Well, I've been going back to church.

Dude, this is funny you say this. I thought about going back to church.

So things like this happen in the zeitgeist or whatever where people start doing all of a sudden. Is it because we're seeing a lot patterns?

I think we see the same patterns, right? And then the patterns, we go, how can I fix this pattern?

Yeah. So I've been going, it's nice.

What are you going to? What are you talking?

Church.

Catholic church one. What are we talking?

Oh, St. Matthias.

St. Matthias.

You know who St. Matthias.

Was he a good saint? What did he do?

No, you know who St. Matthias was? St. Matthias was the apostle that stepped in. When Judas killed himself. St. Matthias slid right in. He was the alternate apostle.

So when Judas Kekeko. Matthias goes, I got it.

Yeah. Matthias said, you know what? I'll step in. I'm a good guy. And he was St. Maddie. St. Matthias.

St. Matty was a good man.

St. Matthias.

You're staying for long? The whole service?

I stay for the whole service, 50 minutes. I get the communion and people go, ama. I do that. I get on my knees like this. And then. Yeah, so I do that.

What if he put out a communion?

Could you imagine like that? Or could you imagine? He put it out and I sucked his finger?

I was like, just once, I want to take the wine, the blood of Christ, and pour it on my face in front of everybody.

Yeah. I just fucking poured it all over my head.

What would they do?

They couldn't do anything.

No, I'd tell you. Go sit down. No, please, go sit down. You made a mess.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. And then I remember one time I was in church, I was a little kid, and this woman came in late for church. She wanted to get the body and blood of Christ. And she was like a little, frail old lady, like, walking, like, one inch, and the priest was standing at the altar, like, waiting. And it took her, like, ten minutes to get them. He could have easily just walked up and left his place and just given to her. He was like, no, you fucking crawl here.

He doesn't move. This is body of Christ. You come to the body, baby. Yeah, it's weird that they. I don't like that. I never liked that phrase as a kid when I heard that. Body of Christ, blood of Christ, body of Christ.

When I was a kid, I guess.

No, my dad has that wine at home.

Yeah, I guess because when I was a kid, too, like the crucifix, I didn't like that. It was like, naked kind of bloody body. It would, like, gross me out, right? I wouldn't be able to eat my lunch.

It always felt like it was supposed to scare me. That's what it always felt like. It was supposed to be scary. It wasn't. But as a kid, I was like.

That'S supposed to be.

It's supposed to make you think about the doom or the gloom of death and how you need to be a better Christian.

Better Christian? Yeah. Well, I'm reading a book called the case for Christ, and I do believe in Christ. Now, what is the case?

What's the case? Well, who's on the case?

I'm only about halfway through it.

Yeah, that means you're less than halfway through. Somebody goes, I'm getting into. It's like you're five pages in.

I bought it at the airport yesterday, and that's what I mean. And I read the synopsis, and they're just saying that there's overwhelming evidence for Christ's existence and that his miracles. So, sorry, bitch.

I'm sure he was a real dude.

He was a real dude.

Sure he was a real cat.

I just choose to believe, you know what it is.

There's a lot of people existed. I'm sure he did.

It's meditation for me. It's like I'm not looking at my phone, I'm meditating. It's the only thing I can do. If I tell Jess, hey, I'm leaving, I'm going to church. It's the only thing. Will she like. It's like, all right, I'll just stay here. You go alone sometimes? Yeah.

You don't want to go with her and the kids?

Well, I do, but my two year.

Old, they don't speak Spanish. They're not going to understand. They're like, iglancia.

They don't know. My two year old is just too nuts right now to, like, bring her to church, because then you can't really go to the church. She's not going to be running around and throwing bibles at people.

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Ginger. I like Ginger.

I read the story once where there were the two german, two richest men in Germany.

Careful now.

Yep. And not. It's not who you think. It's not Adolf. It was these guys. They. One guy, we invented legos.

You're like, oh, wow.

Yeah. One guy, he started to give his money away, like, philanthropy, just give it away. And he died almost penniless. His kids. He gave his kids some money, but he died almost penniless. He was happy, like, to give it away. And then the second richest guy, who was worth 500 million francs, he became the third richest guy. Some other guy came above him and only beat him by like $100,000 in a year. And he killed himself with all that money because he's like, I'm not number two.

I cannot live anymore. Yeah, I cannot live anymore. That's a sneak. Good. Yeah, I must kill myself.

Jaja and Germans kill themselves.

So they do.

Germans and Japanese kill themselves so much. Access powers.

Access power.

Japanese kill themselves a lot because their whole identity becomes their job. So when they retire, they feel like they have nothing else to live for. And then they sword.

That's terrible.

And a lot of the way they still go, old school samurai, they stab themselves in the abdomen with the machete.

Oh, God. People in the ER must be like, oh, my God, again. We got to fucking get this sword out of this guy.

I don't want to do this.

Push on his chest and I'm going to pull it.

Yeah. You know how hard it is to pull a sword out of a human body with chopsticks?

Just put a little bit of ginger on it when they're done.

I'm using chopsticks tonight at Chiconi's. Imagine I'm going to be like, give me chopsticks.

No, bring your own. I think we should start bringing our own chopsticks to places.

Remember when I tried to use chopsticks? Eating ramen?

Funny. When I've ever said my entire life, tart. We got you eating fucking ramen with chopsticks. And I don't think I've laughed so hard. You couldn't get one noodle to stick.

I couldn't get one. I started eating it with my hands.

Yeah, you're just scooping it in your mouth.

I'm an asshole.

Have you eaten ramen since then?

No.

You don't like ramen? No, man, it's so good. You didn't eat it when you were in college or nothing like that?

No, nothing. I would always eat pizza and pasta. That's what I would do. Pizza and pasta.

A lot blooded America.

I put pasta on my pizza.

You think I'm eating some communist noodles?

No, thanks. If you're an enemy of the United States, you're always an enemy of the United States.

I don't even need french fries. I need freedom fries, baby. You know me and freedom fries. America's number one.

You think we're going up war?

Yeah, I can't wait.

Yeah. You gonna go?

I'm going. I got my ticket now. Did we go to war. I'm going to Hawaii, Hawaiu.

I would go. If we do go to war, if the United States goes to war, I would drop into the war zone and do comedy for the troops because I feel like such.

I would do that.

I don't feel like a man at all. And I feel like, well, how can I help at all? And I'd be, keep these boys loose. And if I got a fluff, I got a fluff.

While you're telling jokes. Yeah, I would 100% go perform for the troops. 100%.

We should go.

Let's go. Let's start another war. You heard it here. Hey, come on, Biden. Start that war. Let's go.

Start that war.

Start bombing.

I know I would do it because I just feel like I got to help this country somehow, and I'm not doing enough to help.

You're taking away more than you're giving, that's for sure. Yes, you're definitely taken away from that.

Do you volunteer? You ever just volunteer, like, at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter or something?

Yeah, I have in the past. The thing I like to do the most is, like I've told you, we adopt the family over the holidays. We like to do that and give them things that they need and want. We adopt.

Take my wife.

Take, please, my wife. We'll adopt the family and we'll give them gifts and all that stuff and whatever they need for the holiday.

What'd you do this year? Who'd you adopt?

Well, you don't really know, unfortunately.

Oh, it's like, just a service.

Yeah, you know that.

Get away from me.

Yeah, I don't want you anywhere near.

Me, but I'll send you gifts over there.

No, they like it. They don't want them to feel bad or guilty or weird, so they keep the people separate, which I understand because they don't want this. And also, I don't need the attention from them. I know just doing the deed exists, so helping out a family, I don't care that they don't know who did it or put a name to the face to name.

You know who. You helped my family this year.

Did I really?

We got the gifts.

Did you really?

Yeah, we got the gifts, jasmine. Puerto Ricans got the gifts.

Oh, my God.

And they knew we knew that. I knew that was you because the gifts you sent was just the red rocket posters that you didn't sell out.

Those, well, they were signed at the very least. You guys could put those up on those.

We got those. We got a bunch of golf clubs. We got season two of the Lil Dicky show.

Oh, Dave. Yeah.

We got. They gave us. Somebody signed a mixology, some show. They signed a portrait from mixology. And I was like, what the hell? And then jazz was like, do you think this is. Could this be? And I was like, I don't know why.

It was totally random. I think it's.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's totally accidental.

Yeah.

Are you going to do any more tv? You're not going to do anything like that.

I want to.

Oh, you do?

I will do it.

Because the last thing you did was hot. The last thing you did was tough on you because you didn't want to be all the way over filming.

You know? I just want to say how much I love that.

Bar wars.

Yes. I love backyard bar wars. Great people. Great.

That's what it was called, right?

That was what it was.

Um, but you did complain to me, not about the show, but about the fact that you're away from your family. You didn't like it.

So I want to do something, but in New York, because I love doing the pods and all that and stand up, but I want to try to do something else now. So I'm trying. I got a show that I'm trying to create, and you know how the shit goes. Maybe it'll go, maybe it won't, but I'm trying, and that's what it's, life's about. Control your output, not your outcome. Control your effort.

Wow. And what about your input? What's being put in you? Anything. I think a little tortellini, if you.

Know what I mean. No, you can eat healthier. Can we eat like.

No, we can eat like big old stupid pigs. I think that's kind of the move. And dessert, I got to get dessert, and I want a coffee after dessert so I can clean the house.

And then we're going to go to the comedy store.

Then we'll tell a couple of jokes, I guess.

The comedy store or you're just going to chill?

I think I'm going to maybe just chill in the back and judge your shit.

It was nice last night to. Because you went up and crushed. Don and Steve were talking about how much your new material is great, how.

Much a lot of different new stuff.

Because you just purged the old stuff and now you're excited about the new stuff.

I'm having more fun, that's for sure. I'm having way more fun than I did before.

Right.

Because it was tough when you're starting out after you get rid of an hour, and you're like, I got nothing.

But you felt like you could.

You have stuff.

Well, but did you feel like you couldn't even start writing your new hour until the old hour was taped and done?

Kind of. Yeah.

Right. Like, you feel like you just can't. You got to purge it.

I'm not good at that. Of, like, I know people already, like Neil Brennan's ass. He had, like, already a half an hour ready when the hour was.

Fucking nerd.

A dork dog. Stupid time off. Dork. Yeah, it fucks me up that people can do that.

No, he's great.

Like Jesse MC, same way. His discipline is unbelievable. He's just got great discipline. But also, comedy is life. And for me, comedy is my first love. But I have other things that I enjoy doing too.

Right.

So it's like, for some people, like Taylor Tomlinson, for example, shout her out. She is a joke machine. A machine. Yeah. She's constantly going. And to her credit, it's because she focused solely on stand up so much for me, I was like, I wish I could be that way. But I know other things tickle my fancy. I like to do other stuff, too. It's just not to say I would be writing more. I'm just saying it's a lot easier when it's your main. Sam Morell.

Right.

Well, how are you going to Sam Morell, Norman?

Yeah.

These guys are fucking machines.

Well, you're one of those guys. It's like, how are you going to. You focus on stand up? But what those guys aren't doing that you are doing is you're also standing up for Ukraine, and they're not as much. So you're going around spending a lot of time standing up for Ukraine, getting out there putting up flags, putting out flyers, doing your part to aid in Ukraine. And that takes time away from standup.

Every time I get a check in the mail, residuals from a tv show, I did send it over to Ukraine.

Ukraine. Why not? Care package. Care package.

Here it is.

Whatever.

I'll give them whatever they want.

I add it up. Care package.

Care package.

In New York. What I've been doing is I've been taking down the ukrainian flags and putting up the palestinian ones.

Well, you got to switch them out.

That's what you got to do.

Right. Only way to do it now, are they half masked or they're fully up top?

I go fully up top. I go all the way. For me, I go hard to go home. So I got ukrainian flags, palestinian flags out there. No american flags? No.

American flags are going to be like baseball cards at some, but they're going to be worth something. They're like, dude, you have a fucking american. You have a 96 american flag. Whoa. Now, when you were growing up, do you have an american flag on your front lawn?

Oh, yeah, we were big. Big.

My grandfather used to fly an irish flag at his house, and then I think somebody told him one time that if it's on a flag pole, the american flag has to be above the right. But if it's not on a flag pole, if it's on, like, if it's just displayed, you can display other country's flags, but on a flag pole has to be american at the very top.

Yeah. Do you see less and less american flags now? Now you see a lot of american lose the l. Yeah, you don't see.

Them as much anymore.

I'm going to get my special taken away right away.

Yeah, come on. Come on. Everything we're saying is a joke. Relax.

Hey, I might have a special coming out on Shmulu.

Don't say it. Don't give it away.

Well, no, it's not Hulu, it's Shmulu. I'm doing it live from the tunnels under the synagogue in Brooklyn.

Shmolo live from under the tunnels in the synagogues in Brooklyn.

It's Shamulo Shmolo TV.

Dude, that would be so much fun to do a special like that, though. That would be really fucking sick to do it. You're like, Chris Rock did three different venues. DeStefano did three different tunnels. Is anybody in here? And here and here and here?

I want to do a special from, like, my. Like it'd be fun to do.

Well, Bamford did one from her living room. Did you see that? In front of her mom and dad?

Maria Banford, I'm almost positive. Really?

Didn't she do that?

Am I crazy? And that was her special. For real?

Yeah.

That's an awesome idea.

Wait, now I'm like, I think it was her special from.

That's an amazing idea.

Wait, living room. I have to find out because I'm like, live from her parents living room. Yeah, it was Banford in 2020, and.

It was just her and her two parents. And she did an hour.

Oh, what am I saying? Not 2020. No, it was a long time ago. 2012. Sorry about that. Maria Banford's new special where her parents are the only audience members, is available now. Yeah, she just did it literally from her parents. And it's just them too.

Does she live out here? Maria Banford.

I don't know.

It's a great comic. She's. You ever meet her?

Fucking genius.

No, I never met her either.

And maybe I have, but in one of those moments where you're like, hey, hi.

I think I probably met her at, like, Montreal Comedy festival.

But that whole time I'm like, poutine.

I want to go to Montreal. If you go to Montreal this year.

I haven't been in a long time, and I don't think I'm ever going.

To go back, but if I went, you'd.

Because, you know, I don't know.

Take your wife.

It's nice. Take your wife. How about that? Take my wife, please. I don't know if I'll ever. I don't know about festivals. I just feel like, yeah, you're going.

To do this Netflix one out here in.

No, no, I'm not a part of it. They told me they didn't want me. They very loudly said, we don't want you here. No whites. Go home.

Go back to your country.

Go. Yeah, go back to your country club.

Club.

They go back to where you belong, pal. Jersey Mike's.

Oh.

So I went and had a sub above.

Dude, I love Jersey Mike's, but I also love Quiznos. A lot of people don't talk about Quiznos enough. They toast the sub.

I like Quiznos, but I think I'm more of a potbelly guy, which I don't know if you even have those.

They have them in New York, but I almost never go in, man.

I love me.

Remember blimpies loved.

Rest in peace. You guys have firehouse subs?

Yes, but not really. Like, it's in Long island, not in the city.

I know, but that's. But know all the money goes to firefighters, so you should do. Does it? Something like that. It goes, like a percentage of them goes to firefighters.

I love the firefighters. Yeah. I love the FDNY, the NYPD, the DSNY, the Port authority police. You all got my vote.

The port authority. Those are my guys.

Yeah.

That's what I would want to be as a port authority.

Port authority cop. Yeah.

Kind of easy, right? Yeah.

I mean, you just, like, stare at.

Cars coming in and out cars or.

Like you're on this train or on the bus making.

Does anything really happen? Did they have to do anything ever?

I'm sure they do, but I don't know what they would have to do, I guess. Yeah, well, they protect the tunnels, which they didn't do a good job in the synagogues.

Imagine there's a port authority guy. He's like, you are on the tunnels. He's like, I know. My apologies.

He's fucking guy.

Dear slippery, fall asleep at the wheel. That would be the port authority guy?

Yeah, dude, do you see that? They had the camera on the hole, and then a jewish guy came out.

Of the grave, tried to push the.

Camera away, and he just ran away.

It was fucking dope. I like that. They rioted and shit. I thought that was hilarious.

That's fucking great. Have you ever been to that part of Williamsburg?

Only once. Only once did I ever go crazy. Yeah, well, I went one time with a friend. We were going somewhere else. We were, like, walking Greenpoint, right?

Well, where the Williamsburg. When you hear of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, you think like, trendy cafe. And it is. But the part of Williamsburg that is where that synagogue was like, that the hasidic Jews is like, for a. I think it's like a 20 block radius. It is only hasidic jewish people. Only hasidic. And what will happen is you'll, like, in certain times of the day, like with traffic, if hasidic jewish people will just go out and stand on the corner, and then other hasidic jewish cars who they don't know each other will just stop and you get in their car. They all do that. Or, like, school busses will stop. And hasidic jewish people just get on and off the bus, but they just stand on the corner and wait to be picked up by other hasidic jewish people.

Where are they going? Somewhere else.

I don't know where they're going. But it's a crazy part of Brooklyn that a lot of people don't ever see that drive. I used to drive through it for college or whatever, just being around New York. But it's like, literally everywhere you look, there's nothing's. Even in English, everything's in.

And you can't. And you couldn't rent a place. Or if you tried, they don't.

They would never let you in. And then all the apartments, because they have so many children. All the apartments have big cages on the outside.

Put their kids in cages. Yeah.

See, and you think it's just fucking. You think it's just down on the border. No, because people like kids. Like, so many instances of kids on the balconies would fall over, fall out and die. So they're all enclosed.

Holy shit. They have that many kids falling out of windows. Yeah, because they have so many children.

They have so many. Yeah, I know.

Sad. Eric Clapton.

Sorry about that. Because these kids in heaven would you know my name.

If I saw you in heaven?

You have a beautiful voice.

Would you be the same? That's how Clapton kind of sound. Yeah, if I saw you in heaven.

Is he still with us? Eric Clapton?

I think he's dead. You know, these are the kind of guys, I don't know if they're gone or. Is Clapton dead? Yeah, he's got to be dead because he's one of those guys I wanted to see. He's alive.

Whoa.

You know what it is? Yeah. No, he's alive and he's kicking it. He's still in England. He's in Ripley in the UK.

Hello, my name's Eric Clapton.

That's you. That song wouldn't have worked with a british accent if he was like, if I saw you in Evan, would you know my name? Oi. If I fucking saw your arse in Evan. Let me say this.

What?

No, go ahead.

All right.

I was going to ask you something else. Go ahead.

No, go. I don't have anything.

You already hurry up. You already have.

Fuck Mary kill. Ready for this? FMK. Fuck Mary kill. Sam Bankman. Fried kill from FTX.

Kill.

What?

The way I play is, you say a name, I say it already. I have to go on instinct.

Sam. That's from FTX. Sam bang, from freedom. Yeah.

Kill.

Kill. Okay, so you've lost your kill. Sammy Davis Jr. Fuck. Okay, Sam Samantha Suzanne Summers.

Mary. See how that worked out?

Yeah.

All right, I'll do fuck Mary kill with you. Ready? Yeah.

And I have to say it right away.

Yeah, you do.

Okay.

Prince Andrew.

Mary.

Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Kill.

And Lloyd Christopher Lloyd.

Fuck.

There it is, dude. You got to fuck Christopher Lloyd, my.

Friend, and you got to marry Prince Andrew. I want to be a little royalty. I want to be royalty.

I'm hungry. I want to go eat my food.

But we don't got our resumes till 6745. You made it so late. Can we go early?

Yeah, we can go early.

We can go early. You know the people in there like that? Because you told me 745.

Yeah, but it's going to take us a long time to get over there. You know that, right? It's in West Hollywood.

How far is that?

Three and a half hours away.

Oh, come on.

No, we're going to go early. I just made it that time. Just in case. But they'll let us.

Oh, but it is far from. It will take a minute to get over there.

30 minutes. 30 minutes.

It's easy.

Yeah, but there's no way they won't let us in there early.

They have to, especially if I'm with you. Is it going to be packed?

It'll be bumping. Yeah, it'll be bumping.

They're going to Chiconi's in New York, in Brooklyn.

Is it bad?

No, it's good. And then I went to a Chiconi's.

In England at the house. Well, yeah.

Good pizza.

Good, right? Ho, pizza.

Righto.

Well, chaps, would you like a pizza?

Righto.

Let's go eat. I love you. Okay. Go watch Christopher on tour. You know, he's out and about. Go to christycommody.com. He is in every single city around this country.

Well, no, I might be off the road by the time this comes out. When is this coming out?

When's your last show?

February eigth at the Grand Sierra. February 9 at the Grand Sierra resort in Reno, Nevada. I have February 2, I'm in the Ryman auditorium in Nashville. February 3, Warner Theater in Washington, DC.

Warner.

And then February 9, grand Sierra Resort in Reno, Nevada. Film my special in Atlanta. But I don't know when.

Well, we'll make sure that it comes out before February eigth. Okay. Actually, you know what? How about this? How about this episode will come out on February 2. How do you like that?

So I'm in Nashville.

So go to Nashville.

Go to Nashville. I'm here.

See the young lad. We end the show the same way. I love you so much looking at that camera. And end with one word or one phrase. Whenever you're ready. Go ahead.

Epstein's innocent. In here. We pour.

Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. Whiskey. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger like beppers. The ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Gingers. Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like ginger.