In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a fugival. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's all hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like ginger. Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Wheeze Kea Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Brian Simpson.

Yeah, man. Thanks for having me.

The return of Brian Simpson brought a big bag of Nordstrom with him. What's going on, bro? What is it? What are we talking?

I just shop because I was bored. I was just shopping. I never used to go shop over there before.

I like that. I like that you said that you're on cloud nine. I was like, what's the deal? You're like, I'm on cloud nine right now.

I'm having a moment. Because I sold out the main room the other day and I've never done that. It's just one of them little things where it was like, the store means different things to different people. But to come back, to be gone and come back and sell that bitch out, It was fucking awesome.

Well, dude, congratulations. Look, dude, it's so funny that I've seen you on your rise. I mean, I've known you now for a couple of years and I've watched it happen. And it's deserved, also predicted. I'm not Nostradamus, but I did call it out. I did say this was happening, and I dictated it exactly how it was. I even named your special before you named it. I did all that shit.

No, that's the other side of it, too. Is coming here and running into some of the OGs. People I haven't met before. And they're like, Oh, your special was great.

Who have you seen that you didn't know before? And now you know.

Jimmy Carr. Jimmy Carr said something like, he pulled me to the side and said some real nice things. Wonderful special.

I love what you put together. Yeah.

So accurate. And I just met Adam Carola just met him. I thought he was going to be nuts. He was cool.

Yeah. Almost everybody that's nuts is cool.

Well, that's- That's the thing. It's whether or not you know you're nuts. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's like a What's his name? The Frogs are gay. Alex Jones. Yeah, Alex Jones. He's extremely aware that he's crazy. He'll tell you he's crazy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he'll let you know he's crazy.

It's like the self-awareness takes you off guard a little bit.

Yeah, because you can't believe it. You want him to be always insane. Yeah, right. But when I saw him through Joe, I was like, oh, no, he's very aware of what he is.

Well, that's something that you really look. A lot of people don't realize that it's easy to hate a motherfucker from a distance. Yeah. You don't really hate a motherfucker unless you hate them when they're standing right there.

Yeah, that's so true. You know what I mean? Also, people that you say you hate, then you meet them sometimes and you're like, he was all right, man.

Yeah, because hate's just love. It's like, sometimes your feelings are really about the thing that you created in your head, the character of them in your head, but you don't know them. And then you get around them up again. It's like, oh, I guess, damn, I guess I didn't know that. You know what I mean?

It surprises you.

I have good friends that are pieces of shit, but I know enough about them that it mitigates But if all I know about you is your shittiness, it's easy to hate you.

Well, yeah, because everyone's got their flaws. You just have to know how much of a piece of shit are they. Are they a little nugget or are they a fucking fillable? You don't have fillable around you. You don't have big dudes that are just... You don't have dudes that are that.

I can't stand it. Yeah.

You segregate yourself a little bit, especially in the comedy scene. You're a consummate comic, so it's like you don't really have time for bullshit or so it so seems. This is not for you.

And something else, I've gotten over being liked. What do you mean?

You are well liked, though.

I know, but I've always been well liked. And so whenever I ran into somebody that didn't like me, it would bother me because I was like, wait a What do I want? But now I'm like, if I don't respect you, I don't need you to like me.

Well, even if I respect you and you don't like me, I just think I don't fucking whatever. We don't click then. There's got to be people that don't like me that I probably respect that. I'm like, whatever, man. I don't give a shit. There's nothing I can do about it. Yeah. We're never going to. It's an old quote is, What other people say about me is none of my business. I don't care, bro.

Also, I know I'm not going to be one of those old comics with no friends. You know what I mean? Because that's all I'm scared of. It's getting to the finish line and having no one give a fuck.

That's the saddest shit.

Bro, it scares me. We see it. We see it a lot. We see it more than you would think. Yes. But like I said, I always say this. I think I'm lucky. I'm part of this generation of comics that we don't hate each other as much because we aren't to compete against each other head to head for stuff. Everybody has their own little lane. If you talk to any comic from like 30 years ago, and they all got all these little fucking hidden beefs. Well, Joe's, your Rogan's Generation.

Rogan has it. A lot of those guys, there's a lot of weird beef that we didn't know about. We still don't know about it, but you hear it. Sometimes it pops up. You're like, oh, really? That dude?

It'll pop up. But they are very not public about it. No, they don't talk about it. No, that's the difference. Our generation, if they have a problem, they'll go on Instagram. I was denied access, and I was like, people don't want to hear that.

No, no one cares. Nobody gives a shit.

They're less cry babies, but they definitely have more animosity.

Yeah, of course, because they've held that for a long time.

Yeah, we help each other, though.

Well, like Bobby's generation. Bobby has hard for certain people. He'll never let it go. Yeah.

And you know what? And this is the honest God truth. I don't even know what most of my peers are doing. Why would you? You're busy. But I know people that they obsess over it. It's not healthy. Unless I see you every day, I know what Shane's up to, I know what Tony's up to, I know what Dierre Postman's up to, but I see them all the time. But I don't be going, Oh, well, they got three things. I only got one thing. And what does that mean?

I don't I don't give a fuck about it. Just count what's in front of you. Don't worry about somebody else's bullshit.

You beat the game, bro. You know what it is, man? I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes I feel like Hollywood is a lot of people that are like, they have 90% of what they want and they're miserable because it's not 100.

But 100 doesn't exist. Right.

That's the irony. It's like you invited 200 people to your birthday party, 150 showed up, and you're not partying because you're like, How come the 50? Who gives a fuck? You have enough people for a party.

Yeah. I said it was like, I don't know if you ever played. If you played Super Mario Brothers, right, you would beat the game. And after you beat the game, you could still go back to the levels and get the extra bonus things that weren't there, right? But you already beat the game. But that's what I feel like this thing is. Once you've beat the game, you're making a living doing what you love. You beat the game. You did. Do you really need to go back to get all the fucking leaves or whatever the shit? The little rabbit tail or whatever. All those little nooks and crannies that you're I'm searching for, sure, fun to go chase them, but to be upset that you don't have all of them is very strange to me because you already did it.

You'll be playing other games.

When I was a kid, I used to love Super Mario, but I always felt like, but I already beat it. Why am I obsessed with going back and finding all the things I didn't find? You got it. Be happy with what you got. But that's the human condition is we move the goalposts constantly are moving, that you're like, I want this. Well, I want this. Well, I should. I have this. And now I really want this. But I think you reach a certain age. I mean, you're a grown enough. You made it at a grown part in your life where you know already that you're like, no, this is right. This is good.

Well, I mean, I'm grown in most ways, but I still feel like a child sometimes. Well, how old are you? You're 40?

I'm 41. Yeah, bro. You're grown. We're grown.

I'm 40. We're adults. What I mean is I'm immature in a lot of ways.

Yeah, but we all are. I mean, everybody is. That's why I think we still act like children. We still think like kids. I think something about comedy stunts your growth a little bit because you're not put in situations that the regular adult has to go through. My friends that have kids, they had kids at 27, 28 years old. They had to grow up real fast. So the world hit them in a different way. A lot of comics don't get hit that fast. They don't get married. They either never get married or they get married later. They have kids and they never have kids. And if they do, they're 37, 38 by the time. We just didn't have to grow up as I think, because you're focused so hard on entertaining people.

Yeah, you do put that. It's really a gamble.

Yeah. You're putting your life on the side.

Speaking of which, man, I did the fucking... Did you do the 5K, the 2K, 2 bears?

No, bro. I got invited to do that 5K, and I was like... I was out of town, first of all, but I was like, I don't want to do it.

Well, for me, it was like a point of pride because when I was in the Marine Corps, it was like, 5K is just three miles. Well, three point and something miles, 3.2 miles or something.

But we used to do that for Yeah, that's not a big deal.

Right. But then I literally haven't done... I mean, I've been working out, but no cardio for years. And I go out there and it was so pathetic. To something that I used to do routinely that I could barely... I made it like 150 feet before I was like, oh, no.

And you smoked, too.

And I smoked.

Yeah, it's not going to help you.

And it was bad because you know what I realized is I was like, oh, I thought I had decent cardio, but I realized I was only taking care of my lungs to the point where enough to have sex. And I was like, oh, and I'm good. I can have sex and I'm good. And now I realized that's not enough. If I just came and my house was on fire, I would die in that house. I would have nothing in the tank.

She would get out, though. Bye, Brian. He's on the second floor.

It was a lot going on. We finished, though. Ari ran with me like a pro.

Did anybody knock it out? Did anybody show up? Who was really good?

Who was fast? They weren't timing it, which was crazy. When I got done- Is that the whole point?

I don't know.

When I got done, they were like, What was your time? I was like, I don't know. I didn't keep track.

I thought that's what those things are.

I think maybe they were because Ari and I both showed up last. We literally they closed the starting line after we went. That sounds right. Yeah. And then we finished last, too. So maybe whatever they were doing, they had already shut it down.

Do you run the whole time or did you walk?

Hell, no, I didn't run the whole time. No, no. I ran. We would walk and then we would sprint between. We're going to sprint to that cone, and we would sprint, and we were walking. And then it was like, let's just walk.

Yeah, just walk it off.

And then I was like, well, but then I was like, but wait a minute. But when we see, we have to be running when we cross the finish line.

Yeah. When you turn a corner, you got to do that thing.

Yeah. That's what we do. We turn the corner. It was like, that's enough distance to break a sweat and cross the finish line with some out of breath because this is for content. They need the content. Yeah, that's for the end. They don't need the content. But you know what I'm saying? No, they need the content. I know there's cameras.

Yeah, they are. Oh, with Tom and Bert, there's never not cameras. Yeah, there's cameras. I used to run 5 to 7 miles every day or every two days. But after I got injured, I stopped running. Now I just do rowing and elliptical and bike and all that stuff because the pressure on my back, I don't like it anymore.

Rowing is awesome. I have a row machine.

It's phenomenal. Well, that's good cardio.

It is, but it's hard for me to use because it's not made for chubby people.

Yeah, there's not a chubby machine.

When you get up to that right there, it's not made. You're clogged up. Yeah, you got to move. You got to situate your nuts a certain way.

You got to spread it out.

Yeah, And you know it's funny. I saw Bert the night before I saw him polishing off a bottle. And I was like, Aren't you running tomorrow? I was like, Oh, yeah. And he ran twice. He did the first run with the fans and then did the second run with the celebrity.

Yeah, he's Mickey I know, bro.

But he really is a machine.

He really is an unstable force, that guy, until something stops him. He is beauty in motion, where you're like, I guess it just works, and I don't know how he does it. When I was on fully loaded, same thing.

Well, you know what it is? His philosophy is, I do everything to stay healthy enough so that I can drink like this and party like this.

I know. I feel that.

And I'm like, okay, I get it because it's better than... I can't talk shit at all. He's better than knowing what I'm doing. But I don't drink like that.

No, you're not that drinker. You like to have a couple, but you're not like a... I never seen you real fucked up.

It's happened from time to time, but very seldom. Pretty rarely. I'm never going to get so drunk. I puke. That hasn't happened since I was.

There was a couple of people last night. I can't say their names, but they were I'm fucking ripped at Gillis' thing. I mean, anihilated.

I've been getting much more drunk than I usually do here this week.

Well, this Netflix thing has been getting everybody.

Yeah, because some people... You got to pace yourself. I'm not going to say who, but I ran in this in the lobby and I'm like, Hey, what's going on? He's like, Yeah, I'm hung over. We did Miley. It's like, Miley on day one?

Yeah. No, it's not a day one drug.

Yeah, that's not a day one drug.

That's day four, maybe. Three or four.

That's like, I'll leave in a couple of days.

Yeah, where I can go recover where I live. Yeah.

It's like once I got done all my obligations is when I was like, I'm turning it up. Sure. Because the store, man, the store is... The last time I was here was August when I was running my album before I shot my special. Life For The Mother I'm on Netflix right now. Go watch.

I'm sure they have. People that are watching this have probably watched it. Probably, yeah.

But I get to the store. The last time I was here, it was almost like, sad. It was like the back bar had boxes in It was like, hardly anyone here. And then no one hang up to that set. And I get here for the festival and this fucking wall-to-wall packed people, like people everywhere just cramped.

It was like the old days.

Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

And then when the festival is over, it'll die down a little bit. But it has gotten It's back to how it feels a lot more now.

I mean, the fact that through nothing that Netflix dictated, the store has become everyone ends up there at the end of the night.

Yeah. It's like where the after-after party is.

But But they still were killing me a little bit because they're following all the rules and shit. Really? Yeah. They came through, say, your ground last night and was like, okay, it's 2:00 PM. We need to take all the drinks. I'm like, really?

That's a little weird.

Well, you know how it is. It's a little corporate.

It's a new regime now.

We're supposed to be breaking the rules a little bit.

That was the point. Yeah. That's what Sacred Ground was.

But like I said, you know what I realized now, too, is that doesn't belong to me anymore. The store and that scene, it belongs to the door guys in the young comics. And so it is whatever they make it. So if you all want to be fucking rude followers, that's not on me.

I know that feels that way, too. Now that I'm older, it's like I go back. That's my office now. I have to go to work and then I have to leave. But I see all the young interns.

This is like my alma mater.

Yeah, I go back to school sometimes. I go to a game once in a while.

But it was awesome, man. The crowd was awesome. That's what's changed after the special. It's like a different recognition from the crowd. You know, like a different pop.

Well, they love you going in. Right. It's not show me something. It's I can't wait to see.

And it's not even like, oh, I know that guy. It's like, oh, that's who I came.

It's a different excitement. I paid money to watch you. Yeah, no, it's great to watch. Are you loving Austin? I love Austin. Yeah. You like it down there?

Yeah.

Will this be your first summer down there or second summer?

No, this will be my third summer. No, you're right.

This will be my- Second summer.

No, this will be your third summer. Holy shit. But it does get nuts because it's the same climate as here. It's just way more humidity. So it sucks that it gets- The humidity sucks. It's hot and sweating in the day, and then it's cold at night. And we get the occasional thunderstorm. It was thunderstorm three nights in a row. The weather just changes every five minutes. It's nuts.

Yeah, but it's fine. You used to go jump in the lake or some bullshit.

And more bugs. There's way more bugs, all types of different bugs.

We don't have any bugs. It's fantastic. I don't know how we did that, but we did it.

Well, you all got a little mosquitoes, but there, man, it's bugs. It's all types of bugs all year round. Every year I've lived there, I had a different type of bug problem. You can get fucking scorpions out there, bitch.

When I was living in Arizona, we used to have to smack our shoes. If you had sandals or slides outside, you'd have to smack them because scorpions and snakes and bullshit.

The Texans, they take some weird pride in it. Even if it was negative 20 degrees outside, you're like, well, at least it's not any bugs. And they're like, oh, no, actually, we have Austin Winter with Bosps. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. The Bosp will get you. Yeah.

It's like there's something. There's all bugs every year, all year round.

You think you'll live in Texas now forever? You think this is it? You're a Tejas man.

I know I'm going to live there for at least the next five, six years. Wow. Because I'm really behind the mothership. I wanted to thrive.

Oh, it's thriving.

Yeah, but who knows? If Joe ever fades out of the spot, because that's going to be the real test. As long as Joe's alive and around, the mothership will be thriving.

You think the baton won't be passed to somebody else?

I don't know. What if it's your ask? Because the only other example we have is the store. Sure. And as soon as the matriarch was gone, it fell apart.

Well, it shifted as this time in comedy. That's the other thing. What's hard to say is was one thing the cause of the other? Because comedy Comedy doesn't continue to do this gradual uptick. There are huge downslopes, and I've seen them both. I've seen when one club was a bit... I've seen that all here after almost 20 years. So what's interesting is what it will look like in the next regime of it. But it just depends on who takes over over there. Because they can continue the same vibe. It just really depends on who cares enough. You got to give a shit. Someone's got to give a shit. Yeah.

I think you have the multiple people that give a shit.

And also this little baby boom that's happening right now is going to have a reality check, too. We're the biggest we've ever been. Bloomberg wrote an article saying, Comedy is three times larger than it was 10 years ago in terms of ticket sales and everything. Right.

It's nuts.

We're hitting the ceiling a little bit.

It's a little nuts.

It always reminds me of Burr going in the green room of the store and being like, Have you seen the fucking parking lot? It was a Bentley and shit. Because it was like, Russell Peters was there and Kat Williams. He's like, They're going to fucking audit us, dude. They're going to close this down. And I was like, Yeah, it does feel that way.

It It's true. But I'm here, as long as you're managing your shit, save a little something away. You're fine.

Put your money away. You're fine.

And here's the other thing, too. I forget who I heard say this, but it's like hard times create a meritocracy. Because if you're really good at this, you will survive the downslope and you'll be around for the next bubble.

The sting hurts a little bit. The little hiccup hurts. The bumps hurt for sure. And I've seen that happen to so many guys. Then I've seen people come out the other side. There's dudes I know that, not to name, but they've struggled. And then they had a little pop and they thought that that was going to be it. And then way down. But then now back up again. Now things are happening again. I think it's all what you make it anyway. I mean, that's a big part of it. Are you Are you not focusing on ladies at all or no? You're going to get a lady out there? I'm doing what I'm doing. Oh, you're doing your thing? I'm doing my thing.

I just got out of a relationship.

You did?

Yeah, last year, late last year. But it's all good.

You're a free man now.

It's good. Yeah, I always live free.

Yeah, you do. You'll never get married, you think?

I don't know. I just feel like that's a bad deal.

It is a pretty bad deal.

Listen, I feel like, listen, if you already got a wife, you got out the game just in time. But it's a bad deal. If you took what marriage is and you wrote it out on a piece of paper and you took it to a lawyer, they would be like, Don't sign that. Who's trying to get you to sign this? It's a scam.

It's a bad contract.

But again, but I also I understand it. That's not acceptable to most women. I need to be able to destroy you for me to feel loved. You know what I mean? I don't know. I just can't see it. If you ever hear that I'm being engaged, that's a special.

I can't wait to hear that shit. I can't wait for you to fall in love with some fool. You just drown yourself.

See, the problem is I fall in love all the time.

But you don't go that far.

I fall out of love just as easy. On Monday, I'll be like, Yo, she the one. And on Wednesday, I'll be like, I can't I understand this bitch.

That's everybody. That's all of us. Just sometimes you go, Yeah, but I think this one is going to last. I feel like this is something different.

Yeah, maybe. I think you know what it is. I think the problem is the amount of times I've thought that it meant wrong, and then you stop trusting your picker.

Oh, yeah. You got to put that picker away.

You're like, nah, bro. No, I'm telling you. No idea. But this one, this one. And then six months later, you're like, what the fuck was I thinking?

Or the wild shit is when you have your friend say to Yeah, we couldn't stand that bitch. No one ever said anything. I'm like, Tell me, though. I want to know, dude.

Because I feel like- Who's your go-to guy?

Who's the one person you could go to? Posting? Yeah. Yeah, I was just going to say. Posting would be like- Because Derek will be like, That's- We don't like that bitch. We don't like that girl.

Yeah, because you got to say it right away. If you wait until I'm in love and I'm feeling good about it, then it feels disrespectful.

It also feels dishonest. You knew? How did you not say anything if you knew?

It's like, you were I got excited.

We went to dinner twice.

So Posting and then my older brother would say something, too.

Is he living in Austin, your older brother? No, he was a DC. Okay. I was just going to say.

He was like, Yo, that bitch ain't it.

Yeah, but that does hurt your feelings when someone goes, I dated someone and people were like, We couldn't stand that woman.

Yeah, after the fact that she done ruined my life.

Yeah, I was like, Why didn't you tell me before she threw a knife at me? That would have helped.

Yeah, I did a background check. She was a scam artist. What?

Yeah, why did you not inform me of the I'm into?

In here, we pour whiskey.

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Ginger.

I like ginger.

Are you going out of the road now? You're working on a new hour. You got to be, right?

I got a new hour, yeah. All right. I was working on it before I filmed the last one.

Oh, you were? Because that thing was already done for you?

You were already- No, it wasn't finished. But I think my strategy now is I take a break from the material so it doesn't feel still. Sure. I do that eight weeks out. And so for six weeks, I was only working on new stuff. And then for the last two weeks, I run an hour as much as I can.

That's smart. I like to get away from it before I film a little bit because I just get nervous that it's going to feel like- Routine. Yeah, I'm hitting too many. It's like you don't need that much batting practice.

Because I think you got to be a little scared. You got to be a little It has to feel a little like, I got to find it a little.

Yeah, because otherwise, I think if it's too massaged, even they can tell that you've done it too much and you don't really like saying it. They want to see that you're finding it as well. Like, you're Coming back to it.

Oh, yeah. Then shout out to Baren Baren Bond. He directed the fuck out of that.

Oh, I love that dude. Yeah, man. I don't know. He directed your special?

Yeah, man. No shit. Fucking genius. I think it's the first special he directed, but I knew he would knock it out apart.

Well, of course. Well, he's really, really Bright, dude. You talk to that guy. You could tell he's really bright.

Every time I'm around him, it's just brilliant shit is just spilling out of his head. He can't help it. He can't turn it off. And so it just comes out. It's overflows.

Does he live down there?

No, he lives in Atlanta.

Okay. I was going to say he's not here anymore either. No. But he used to be around here a lot.

Yeah, but a lot of people aren't here anymore.

Yeah, no, I know. Everybody left.

Or they're pretending like they're still here, but they're somewhere else.

Right. They want to make people think that they might be here.

They're scared. I don't believe in that.

Yeah. I don't give a shit. I'll still hold it down out here. I'm going to be the last man on the boat.

That's why I don't do anything to help my career that I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not going to go to that fucking party because the end result is going to be someone's going to not like me afterwards because it's not my environment. I'm going to do bad.

Yeah. Well, you're going to be the worst version of you, which you don't want to do anyway. Exactly.

And so it's like, And I don't even want to be here. I don't want to meet that person that bad. I don't want it. I feel like if you just fuck with the people that fuck with you, you'll get the things. Obviously, you can thrive that way. The people that are good at... Some people are very skilled at talking to you for 30 seconds, and it feels like they talk to you for 15 minutes. Oh, yeah. And they'll go through and work the whole party and walk away and everybody will love them, but I'm not that person.

I think of someone right now. That's so funny.

Oh, yeah. Some people have that skill, and I envy it. I admire it, but I don't got it.

No, I don't think you need it. I think you've got the other thing, which is like you come in comfortably if it works for you and then you move when you move.

Right. But it's frustrating for my team. Fuck your team. Sometimes I say no to stuff when they're like, what?

Fuck them.

I can't.

They're deciding what They're deciding what island to vacation to. I don't fucking believe.

Because you learn real quick. Because motherfuckers will be like... Because if you say yes to please everybody, and then later on go, I was miserable. They go, Well, you should have said something. I know. Right? So I was like, I always I say something now.

No, you do. Yeah, you have to.

I'm like, I don't want to do that shit.

Well, now are you entering this world of being surrounded by famous people and all this other bullshit that are in your sphere more?

It's slowly starting to happen. Be careful. But because I'm in Austin, most of the time when I meet a famous person, there's more famous people around. Because I'm almost always around Joe or Shane or Tony. So there's no pressure on me to be anything.

Joe, other than you. Right. Right. The more people I meet anyway, the more me and less of the thing anyway Because I just I don't care at this point.

If I meet a famous person and then it's apparent that they aren't the person that would really be my friend, then I'm good. I don't want to keep... Being around you, I would rather be alone.

Yeah, I'd rather be alone.

Because I like being alone so much that I'm always measuring every experience. Like, is this better than me being alone? Because I get talked in this shit or forced in this shit, and then I do it and my girl or somebody will be like, Oh, but you had a great time. I was like, No. I made a great time of it, but I would still have rather been somewhere else.

There were other things I was thinking about doing, and I didn't want to be here.

Everybody's mad. When I originally got Just for Laps, it was during the pandemic, so it was here instead of in Canada. Oh, wow. And I was like, Thank God, because I don't want to go to Canada.

Yeah, it's far.

I hate going to Canada. And everyone else was like, What? You don't want to go to Montreal?

No. Not really, no.

That's budget America. It's great value America.

Yeah, it's like theme park Europe.

It feels like a Disneyland version of France. You can tell it's fabricated.

You're like, This isn't the real one. But you You know what? Everybody in that city is a little sexy. I like that part.

The women have an air to them that's significantly different.

Yeah, it's a weird effortless confidence. Yeah.

I don't know what that is because they think they're European. I think that's what it is. I think they think they're European. But you're not. You're Canadian.

Because America is full of white girls that hate themselves.

Yeah, and white dudes that hate themselves.

Yeah, but when you get up there, it's a different thing. But we are French. Why would that hit me?

I mean, love with myself. Yeah. I can move freely through the world.

They have a name for them. They call them Kubequas.

Yeah, Kubequas.

I was like, wow. So I realized the rest of Canada don't really fuck with you all.

Yeah, but also they don't care. Montreal is the Texas of Canada. They don't give a shit about anybody else liking them or not liking them. They'd rather be on their own. If they could secede, they would.

We're putting this poutine on everything.

Yeah, fuck it. But they're all skinny.

I know because they walk everywhere. They got health care.

The health care thing is probably it, too. And they don't eat much as we eat. I just ate a fucking sandwich an hour ago that I knew I didn't need the whole thing, but I liked it so much that I was like, I'm going to finish the whole thing. The discipline here, they give you more than you should ever need. And you think, well, if they gave it to me, I might as well. I mean, what's wrong with eating the whole fucking thing? But it's like so much because there's not a guy measuring what's a right amount of sandwich. Do you know what I mean? They're just giving you sandwich and you're going, okay, This place gives me one this big. Well, I guess I'll eat it. It's cut in half. For some reason, cutting it in half in your mind goes, wow.

Yeah. Up there, I went up there. I was like, You get a four-piece chicken and they bring you these little tiny pieces of chicken. You're like, What the fuck is this? You're like, Oh, that's right.

They're not- They're not gluttonous.

Poisoning the birds.

Yeah. They're not gluttonous stuffing them with water and solution to swell them and make them jucier. No, they don't do any of that bullshit. But I don't care. We'll die fat and happy. So Who gives a shit? Yeah, that's the plan. What's your city now that you like playing? What city are you selling the best in? What's been the best city for you? You know how I know because where you're at right now in your career is like, I know you're selling great tickets. You're all over the country. And then you start to see the cities that show you... I had cities show me love that I didn't even think.

Denver.

Denver shows you a lot of love.

Denver, Philly, and Madison was constant.

Well, yeah, Madison, one of the greatest.

I think I'm I pretty much expect to sell out whenever I go to those places.

What about the West? San Francisco?

No, Seattle.

Seattle's great.

I sell a lot of tickets in Seattle. Fuck San Francisco.

So funny, man. I do so well in San Francisco. It's unexplainable. I've always liked them. It's always had a good time, but I always, always sell well in that city.

I think I've always sold well, but I just don't like being there.

The city itself? Yeah. The audiences are fucking phenomenal.

The audiences are great.

They're great, man. But you know, you don't like the city.

I don't like the city. It's Manhattan with hills.

Yeah. Hilly Manhattan.

It's a trash can with Hills.

You know what I mean? It is. Yeah, but you know what? You get yourself up early enough, go to Buena Vista, have an Irish coffee, walk the water.

Dude, any city, Houston, San Francisco, or New York, or in Cleveland, the only cities I've been in where it's like, you would just randomly get hit with big warm pockets of air that smell like different bad smells.

Yeah, right.

Just piss, and then you turn a corner, shit. You turn another corner, decaying, road kill. And I just can't stand it.

Houston's that to you, huh? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Houston's bad.

I think the toughest city we had on tour was Memphis. Memphis is tough.

Memphis is tough? I don't think I've ever- Memphis is just It's just not the warmest place.

I don't know if they want us there. I don't know if they give a shit about us there. It's like show up and get the fuck out. Do your show and get the fuck out.

It's weird because I know so I meet so many people from Memphis, and I always love those people.

I know. Tennessee is a great place. There's so many good spots in Tennessee. Something about it gives me the...

I feel that way about Pittsburgh.

I go to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh fucks you up. I don't belong here.

This feels like they want me out.

As a black dude, too. Right. Pittsburgh has no black dudes, you think?

No, it's black people in Pittsburgh. But it's the surrounding areas.

Like, yeah, rural Pennsylvania. Yeah.

Because I think the Pittsburgh clubs are not in Pittsburgh. They're always like 30 miles outside of Pittsburgh.

Yeah. Why can't I think of the name of that thing in Pittsburgh? What's wrong with me? Is it a Funny Bone or damn? No. But there's also a little music venue that everybody plays. Oh, Carnegie Hall of something. It's not Carnegie Hall, but it's called Carnegie Hall of whatever it is outside of Pittsburgh. It's going to fucking piss me off to not know because now I absolutely have to know. Carnegie Hall of wherever it is. But yeah, Mun Hall. Mon Hall.

Carnegie Hall of Mun Hall?

Yeah, it's called Carnegie of Homestead Music Hall. Okay. Whatever, man. It is what it is. I never heard of that shit. Yeah, but It's a cool little venue. And it's how many seats is it? You're playing it for sure. The next time you got there, it's a thousand. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. 1,048. See what I mean? You're playing it. That's the size of venues you're doing right now, right?

Well, we ramp it up to that. I think once the fall hits, I'm going to do my first theater.

Theater. Yeah. I can't wait for you, bro.

I'm doing a joint up in Boston.

What? The Wilber? The Wilber. Oh, yeah. That's going to be my first theater. You're going to love that shit.

Hell, yeah. I'm going to sell that bitch out.

Now, are you at the point now you're taking people with you on the road? Oh, yeah. Who are you taking?

Most of the time.

I mean, obviously- People that I know or no.

Most of the time, I take one of the homies, Asan. I can't take Derek anymore because he's always with Schultz. I'll take one of the door guys from the mothership.

You can't steal him from Schultz. That is so funny.

Well, no. I mean, listen, if it was something important, he opened my special. If it's something important, That's what I like that, he'll come. But Schultz can pay him way more than I can.

You know what's so funny? A lot of those guys, they want to move around. Chris O'Connor, who's one of my best friends. He was coming with me because he was opening up without me. And then I was like, oh, come with me. And he had already been gone with Shane before Shane started to really blow up. And so we both were taking him. And I don't think anybody gives a shit.

No, I don't think. Yeah. Like, Derek has first dips, but he's usually busy.

Yeah. On Schultz. Schultz is doing all right. They're going to go out of line. Madison Square Garden is not bad.

Yeah, but also I like the Doul guys that I see really working hard. I like to take them places.

Yeah. When I was out there, there was a lot of people I was watching that I really like to see. A lot of young, up and coming hustlers. You could tell they're grinding in the thing.

Because the environment is a lot. It's like they really are talking comedy and grinding, like shopping.

Yeah, they're trying. They're putting in the work.

Most of them, yeah. Some people are lazy. Well, yeah. Some people are lazy, and then they turn around and wonder why everybody else is like, You don't do shit.

What did you think was going to fucking happen?

It blows my mind the amount of people that don't do anything different and be whining.

But I feel like that's a microcosm of the problems of the world. Everybody wants it.

Because also, listen, here's a big tip. If you're trying to get into this business, this is a likability business. If nobody likes you, you're going to have a hard time. Listen, I do have peers that are fucking dickheads, but they're funny enough that people tolerate it. So it's like you got to be hilarious for people to put up with you being an asshole.

Yeah, and they do.

And they do, and they will.

Some of them become the most famous comics in the world.

But you got to work hard. You got to work hard to be that funny. A hundred %. Yeah. So it's like the lazy people, unless you're smoking hot, you can't get ahead being lazy.

Even then, you're going to have so much more scrutiny. Oh, yeah. Because when you get through, and part of it is because you look a certain way, they're looking at you.

Because once you banged everybody or told them that you won't bang them, that's all. That's all opportunities.

But you told everybody how much you won't bang them, then that thing stops. And everybody wants to see what else is next then.

Or they subscribe to your OnlyFans or whatever.

That's the wildest shit now. How many people are on OnlyFans?

It's mind-blowing.

It's beautiful the fact that a new industry was created. And Joe Biden is creating He's an OnlyFans supporter. Is he? No, I have no idea. He probably is.

Because look, for whatever reason, Instagram, every time they show me a hot woman and I go to her profile, if there's a link in her bio, 85% of the time is OnlyFans.

Yeah. You know what they put up now? They put a chili pepper, a spicy link. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's so funny. Every time I'm on a explore page, I'm on the shitter and I see a good-looking check and I click on her profile and I'm like, who is this? Is she like a... Who is this check? Is she like a model, a dancer or whatever? And it always has the thing, the link to their OnlyFans.

Look, I'm not mad at you. No, get paid. No, get paid. But don't act like you better than the niggas that I'm not a subscriber to you. I hate it when they like... Right. You think you're above the people to pay you. They call the subscribers creeps. These creeps are just paying to see my titties. You're putting your titties up there.

You did it.

Yeah.

That's like us dating people to laugh at your shit. Right. Exactly. You're like, bro, that What's the whole goal? Was you to be there to pay me to do the thing?

But did you hear about this kid recently? I think he got expelled from school because people were passing around pictures of his mom from all OnlyFans.

He got expelled?

Because he beat the shit out of some kid.

Oh, well, I get that.

That's going to keep coming up.

Yeah, dude. The amount of moms that are on OnlyFans now and don't know that their future mom's on the way out, it's a bummer. It's coming. The Internet is forever. And also it's got to be keeping this in an algorithm somewhere that when one thing is found about your mom, it all comes flooding out at the exact same time.

You know what I think? I think we need a reset.

Crash the Internet?

No, I think it needs to be an official government. We're wiping the Internet because we didn't know we were doing it first. So now everyone gets a chance to approach the Internet knowing what it is.

Smart.

Right?

Everything goes away.

Yeah, everything goes away. Start from scratch. Everything you've ever... Not the articles and stuff like that, but all posts, all social media posts get erased.

I like this.

So everybody gets a do-over, and now we know how to be What's he up for?

Start now. Well, because I see my buddy's son is 14 or 15, and he doesn't really post at all. But when I was younger, obviously not that young because it wasn't available yet, but we posted everything. He doesn't really post because he's scared of what to post. He doesn't want to say anything or do anything that gets the criticism or the hate. He wants none of it a little bit. And I get that because you're so inundated by seeing so much hate or so much love that I think it's overwhelming for someone young to be like, well, I don't even want to put up a photo.

But you know what's wild is a lot of them are really behind in the social skills, though, because they- Well, they don't have to go do the thing. Yeah. When they hang out, it's online.

You remember going to the pool in summer, some shit like that, or going to a summertime hangout spot. And you were forced to either talk to the girl that you were uncomfortable talking to or befriend the group that you thought was really cool. You had to go out of your way to feel feelings of discomfort and vulnerability. And it makes you a stronger person. You also decide. You start to decide at that point in your life what's worthwhile for you. If you don't have that, I think that's it.

Because now kids, they're taught the opposite, that they should never be uncomfortable. They shouldn't have to deal with it at all.

Yeah, but so much should be uncomfortable. Life is extremely uncomfortable. That's why the older you get, you feel it more and more about how you get, not complacent, but you get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah. I'm more comfortable now than I've ever been about being uncomfortable. There's so much pressure and bullshit that you're like, I don't fucking care. That's why I find my little bullshit hobbies.

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I like Chinger's. You got little bullshit hobbies now?

Oh, yeah.

You're into some bullshit?

Yeah. I game a little bit. I'm this close to golfing.

Yo, come with me. Come with me.

Everyone keeps talking about it. You know what I'm going to do? The advice I got, I'm going to go to the driving range a few times and see if I like it.

No, fuck. Just go. No, no. Let's just go. Because if you go to the driving range, you don't do well, you're going to go, fuck this. I don't want to play. Right. Yeah, but let's just go play. Then if you don't like it while you're playing, you can just walk. You can go, I'm out. That's easier then. Because the driving range is not a good testament to the game. It's not going to feel the same. Just go play and fuck up.

What is so addictive about it?

Is there a small selective group of people you really enjoy hanging out with? Yeah. Okay. Imagine you doing that outside with them, drinking, smoking, riding along in a miniature little car for a couple of hours with people that you really love, and then a little bit of competition behind it. That's the best way I can describe it. Hanging out with my best people I love the most to spend time with, outside, drink, smoke, do whatever you want to do, and a little bit of competition on the edge of it, which I like a little competition. You play games because you like a little bit of competition.

Yeah, a little comp.

It's the same thing without having to be like, I have to run a fucking 5K.

But I like the competition that I have a chance in.

Yeah, I understand. But you can gain a chance with Like anything else, if I picked up a game right now, you'd fuck me up so bad. In any game you play, I don't play video games, but I'd be intrigued by the idea that I might be able to get better at it. And if you have that bug, golf is the same thing. Okay, I could dig that. You're like, I might be able to get better at it. I'm going to try. For years, Rogan always made fun of me about it, and now I think I smell him a little bit going, maybe I would try it, maybe. Burr said the same thing. Burr was like, Dude, it's so fucking stupid. You're going to get cancer? He was saying, Are you sat in the sun all fucking day? A day? I was like, You'd love it, dude. And then he tried a few times, and he does love it. He's like, I can't commit, though, because I'm an addict, and I'll never stop.

I'll just go way too much.

Which is what we all do. But who gives a shit? That's my vice. That's my favorite fucking shit on Earth. Golf. Oh, my God. I want to do it every day till I die.

It's expensive, though.

Yeah, it gets a little expensive, but it doesn't have to be, right? There's probably municipal courses in Texas.

So you're one of those people who are like, when you hit the road, you set aside I'd like to provide time to go to certain courses.

I'm bringing my bag tomorrow when I go to Nashville and I'm going to go play twice. Once with my dad's best friend and once with Court McAllen. You know Court? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And a couple of other dudes. Sounds exhausted. Bargazzi is not going to be there, but he's usually in Tennessee. John Chris. No, dude, it's great.

Dude, you know what I mean? Because I realized throughout my life, the amount of opportunities I missed out on because I didn't play golf are tremendous.

Yeah, but I mean, you find it in the other things that you involve yourself in, though. You know what I mean? Like, whatever your other thing is, that's the crew you accumulate naturally anyway. You can't force your hand on a thing that you don't really love.

Right. But what I mean is there are people whose company you just won't have if you don't play golf.

I get it. Well, yeah, I know what you mean.

You're not going to get to hang out with certain people because that's what they doing. When I was in the military, I remember our commander walked in and was like, You play golf? I was like, No. He was like, You play golf? I was like, Yeah. Never seen that motherfucker again. He ended up He ended up being the commander's driver because he played golf because he loved him so much. But he only learned that he loved him because he was on the golf course.

You should have just lied.

Yeah, because I got found out.

Sarge, I play.

Yeah, but I didn't know. I didn't know what this deal It does. But it's that shit.

Yeah. Well, I know what you mean, though. It does open up a different world of opportunities. But you found that in other things. You found that in being a stand-up, right? I found that when I played pick-up basketball at the elementary school with all these other guys in Beverly Hills, those things that you were in love with naturally, they led you to the group you needed to be around.

But golf doesn't keep you in shape, right?

No. No. Okay. No. Which, to be honest with you, if you're already working out, it's just another fun thing to do where you don't have to exercise to play. Every other sport, you have to exercise while you're playing. You know what I mean? You're playing, pick a ball or tennis or pick a basketball. You're exercising while you're having fun.

But does exercising help you at golf?

100 %. The best golfers in the world are, well, arguably, some of the fit guys. Rory McEnroy is one of the most fit motherfuck. Tiger was jacked. He was jacked? Bro, it's so funny. Most people that don't follow golf don't know. I'll show you a picture right now of Tiger Woods. Look, he's a little bit older now, and he's been injured a thousand times. But, bro, he was massive. I mean, and just swole as fuck in the best shape. He learned that getting in shape was going to help him so much more than all these other dudes in golf. I mean, you would never think a guy like this. Does that look like a golfer to you?

Oh, no.

Yeah. No. He's in great shape. You know what I mean?

He built like a DB. Yeah.

But that's what I'm saying is he learned at a young age getting in phenomenal shape. I mean, hold on. Look at that. That's not a golfer. That looks like a fucking football player.

He is a huge golfer. I never thought about it.

Yeah, but because what it is, the advantage was flexibility and strength are the two things that you really in golf. If you're very flexible and you have good strength and power with hand eye, obviously, is the most important. But the older generation didn't give a fuck. They were like, if I'm just good at hitting, it's striking the ball cleanly. Who cares? Who cares how far it goes? I'm still the best. I'm still good. But he was like, technology and being fit was a new generational thing. So now all these guys work out. They all work out. They all work out. I mean, they're not all yoked, but Bryson DeChambeau is this dude in there. He looks like a fucking linebacker. There's a couple of dudes. He hits it like 3:30 off the tee. That is very, very fucking far.

I saw Tiger do some shit where he embarrassed-Hit it off his knees?

Hit it off his knees.

That's impossible, right?

Yeah, it's hilarious. Where the two guys said they were going to in a driving competition. He sat on his knees and did it. Yeah. But he is arguably the greatest of all time. It'd be like Jordan doing... If it's like someone being like, I can dunk like this. And Jordan being like, well, I'll do it with my eyes closed. Just to fuck with you.

At 60.

Yeah. And he still would. I read an article. Somebody said that Jordan has admitted to having a bunch of kids all over the country. He's like the amount of women that I was laced up in the late '90s with. And Anthony Edwards, who plays for the Timberwolves. They keep doing this thing where he looks like him a little bit. They put his face side by side, and they're like, Could this be? This is like the Internet. I know. It's so funny, though. But the Internet, when they create these conspiracy theories, you want to believe them because they're fun as fuck. Even if you know in your heart, what are some of your What are your favorite conspiracy theories that exist? What do you actually believe in? Is there a few that you're like, Oh, hell, yeah? No.

I mean, the Kennedy one. There's something there for sure. Well, yeah.

The wildest one was somebody said he killed himself. I was like, That's the wildest shit. We saw him die. I know it's wild, though. They say the camera didn't really catch... The Secret Service member had a gun in the front seat, they said, and he turned around and they tried to freeze it to see if the gun was from the Secret Service member in the front seat. There was some wild ass shit.

You know what's so scary about the Kennedy thing is that every President, since everything was supposed to be uncovered, every single president has opted not to. I know. They were supposed to release all the files three, four presidents ago. In each party, Bush said no, Obama said no, Trump said no.

And why?

I can't think of any reason why. Because when Trump said no, I was like, We're never going to find out what happened.

Yeah, because he'd be the one that'd be like, Do it.

He'd be the one that's like, We need to do it. Let it go. So it must be my theory is I think it's because the vice president has something to do with it. Oh, shit. It's like, Who had the most to gain? That one. A hundred %. So it was like, I think he had something to do with it. Because what other reason could it be for us to not need to know? Where it's like...

Yeah, we need to know.

The whole point of the land, they were waiting until everyone involved was dead.

Right.

And everyone involved is dead.

So let it go now. And they still won't. They still won't. I read a thing about... I thought it was an onion article. I literally thought it was an onion article. I think Bargazzi showed me that Robert, RFK, had said that they removed... Did you see this? They removed a bug from his brain or something.

Oh, yeah. He had a dead worm in his brain.

What the fuck? I was like, no way is this real? I was like, how?

The luck of this family.

I know. Well, that's how I was like, a bug in his fucking brain. Yeah, it was dead. Series of health issues abnormally said it was caused by a worm that entered his brain and then died. New York Times reported severe memory loss of mental fog, he said in a deposition, two years later. But he said it. There's no other- Well, he was going through a divorce. Yeah, that's what it is. There's a bug in his fucking brain.

What else does it sound like?

There's a thorn in his crop.

You can't have it both ways.

Yeah, bro.

Whatever.

Doctor believe it was abnormally seen as scams was caught by a worm that got in his brain and ate a portion of it and then died. It reads like a fucking onion article. Politician says worm ate his brain, thus causing him. You know what I mean? That feels like a bit. Where you're like, why did you have brain fog? It's like a worm got in there.

Did they get the worm out?

Yeah. Apparently it died and they removed it. But also, show me the fucking worm. Yeah. I want to see that. Let me see this worm. Let me see the X-ray.

Yeah.

Show it off a little bit.

And also, how are you not retarded?

Yeah.

What do you mean? How did a worm eat your brain?

It picked the right part of What's your brain to eat.

Is that why he started talking like that?

See, that's the whole thing. That he says, well, that's a mental... What is that called? I forget what it is. It's like his brain is doing that to his voice to create that. It's not like there's something in his throat. It's like a thing from his brain that's doing that. Okay. Yeah.

It was probably the worm.

I see. Let's blame it on the fucking worm.

But I think that deposition was in a divorce thing, and he was trying to say he had I'm in trouble.

Yeah, I don't remember any of that shit.

He was trying to help him in the divorce.

I mean, yeah. Do you remember anything?

From what?

Do you remember? Do you have good memory?

Yeah.

My memory is terrible.

But you know what it is? I have good memory, but it makes No distinction about whether something's important.

I remember the most insignificant bullshit. Right. Yes, but I don't remember monumental. Sometimes I'll forget the details are always so foggy with me. That's what scares me, where I'm like, how come I don't remember that thing?

My whole life If it's reminders and notifications and sticky notes because I know I just forget. You do. Like, severe ADHD. You know that feeling of going upstairs to grab something, and then when you get up there, you I get what you went up there for.

I do that all the fucking time.

Okay, right. But it's literally all day, every day.

That's you. That's how you feel. Yeah. But you think it's because you're living so presently? Do you feel like you're living in moments at a time? You're focused?

No, I think it's because when When something grabs my attention, everything that just happened in the last five minutes is gone. So I'll be about to leave out the door, grab my phone, grab my wallet, and go, oh, shit, my keys are upstairs. And then get upstairs and grab my keys and rum it down on the keys and go, Where's my phone? And then go back up there to get the phone. Like, Oh, God, here's the phone. Where did the fucking keys go? And it's every day, all day.

What's that attributed to, do you think? I think it's ADHD. You think it's ADHD?

Yeah, for sure.

See, because for me, I do that. I forget stuff or I just blank on where I put the thing. I lost one of my car keys, and that's very unlike me. But this was a tipping point for me to be a little scared of how much I'm... Forgetting? Yeah, but I think it's because I'm also just like, I'm doing too many things. My wife's always like, You're doing too much. Your brain's running at such a high level. You got to slow the fuck down. It can't retain all that information, all that bullshit. Yeah, that's part of it. So insignificant things just go by the wayside. But that used to never I would never forget that shit. But I lost a car key. I was like, how the fuck did I lose a car key? It has to be in my home.

You still don't know where it is. No, it's fucking gone. That's infuriating.

Yes, bro. It's in my house, and I cannot find that fucking thing.

I'm going to tell you something, and maybe this sounds a little evil.

Well, now I put an air tag on my other one.

So this is my strategy.

Yeah.

And I know you do because you're a comic. So if you have a friend with a drug problem.

Oh, yeah. We got a few.

Okay. You just go, Hey, listen, I will give you $100 to come to my house and look for that key, and I will give you $1,000 if you find it. That's such a good idea. And they will find it. I lost my passport one time, and I did that.

And you're like, Come over.

I was like, If you find my passport, I'll give you $1,000.

Come over, get high, and go find my passport.

No, not while you hide because their goal is to get high afterwards.

All right. They need the money to go get high.

I'm not offering you drugs, but I'm offering you enough money where you can do drugs and some shit.

That's a great idea. I did almost lose my passport now because Bob and I are going to Abu Dhabi, and I had to go find it again because I didn't know. I always misplaced the fuck out of it. Those things are such. There needs to be something. We shouldn't have to have a passport, by the way, anymore. We already are embedded in a system. I agree. I don't need to show you my I don't have a license anymore. I know you could take a retinal fucking scan. I know you have us all logged in. They do face ID at the airport now.

I'm like, How many times I take that picture? Every time I go to the airport, they're like, stay here.

You have it.

This isn't faster. No. Didn't it know who I was when I walked in?

A hundred %. Yeah, I don't get it either. No. So I think we don't need documentation like this physical passport. I like to have it because it was cool to look back at where I've been and all that just nostalgically. But you have me. I know you need I know you can take a photo of me in a first world country and go, we know exactly who the fuck you are. We know your home address, where you live, your social. I don't need to have a thing through my bag.

Have you ever had a social security card?

I have my social.

Okay. You know you only get, I think, four in your life.

And they'll just never issue it again.

And they'll just never give you another one. That's what they say.

Well, it'd be great to lose four, and then you don't exist.

But I'm like, why do you need that? Why do you even need a social security number? You have a DNA.

Yeah, well, the social was for them to... It was just We had a collection. It was almost like a Census Bureau was using that as a way to understand where your number moved in this country so they could group you into where you went and where your community grows based Based on your little number. I think that's like almost eugenics, where they're like, Where do these people go and how do we keep them where we need them?

You got to know where the Italians are so you know.

100 %. You got to know. Those guinea waps will fucking get in all sorts of trouble, man. You got to keep them sectioned off. I could say that I am one. That's why I had a fucking great Italian sandwich today. And I said to the guy next to me because it's a great, such a good spot. And the guy was like, I fucking love this place. I was like, me too, man. Really? Was it?

Hold on.

I'll send it to you. But I was like, you know what? That's fine. I can blow up their spot because it's in the far West Valley. It's nowhere near where I live. But the guy next to me goes, nothing like their sandwiches. I said, nothing like a good Italian sandwich made by four Mexican dudes. That's my friend. It's Domingo's Italian Deli. Okay. I love that. And it's way out West. It's out in the West Valley. It's deep out there. It's out in, what is that? Almost Tarzana or some shit.

I gave us pastrami I'm a sucker for some pastrami, man. Bro. Or turkey pastrami.

Turkey pastrami is so good.

That's my new obsession. That's your shit? Oh, man. It's the best part of turkey without all the shit that you don't like about it.

That's exactly right. Because like, roasted turkey always tastes like shit. I don't need fucking regular roast.

Or it's dry. But the turkey pastrami is right on the money.

What's your late night meal? What's your favorite late night thing to eat after shows and shit? And you're done writing and you're about to go to bed? If you're like, I don't want to have a...

Honestly, I'll do a soup.

A soup? You like soup at night?

I like a good soup, yeah. Wow.

I could not peg you for a soup, dude. What soup is your soup?

I like the Mexican shit with the tortillas on it.

Oh, yeah. But not really have a soup because I like a good fa. Oh, you'll fuck with the fa, huh? I'll fuck with the fa. See, I moved on from fa.

The bone broth.

I liked fa for a little bit, and then ramen just did what it needed to do for me all the time.

Well, obviously, ramen, but that ain't a night time. Like, ramen is heavy. Yeah, it's heavy.

But see, I like to eat heavy and go to bed.

To me, a ramen is like a little Sunday. Like, I'm not doing nothing today.

Midday, midday, midday.

Depending on where I'm traveling, Sunday or Monday is my, I do nothing.

What do you do? You sit in the hotel?

I'll stretch. No, I'm saying that's usually the day I'm getting home. Oh, right. And so I'm not doing anything today. I'm not promising nothing. I'm going to sit around all day. I'm going to stretch and I'm going to fucking eat like a pig. And tomorrow is back to But this whole day is just me. I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. Good for you, bro. So I'll eat a ramen on that one. I'll get it with the extra goddamn pork slices. I'll get down on some ramen, man.

Pork chiasu and all that? Yeah. Yeah. My late night for years was cereal. I always ate cereal that night. When I got home from shows. I used to love cereal. I'd sit on the couch, be quiet. She'd be asleep. The dog would be at my feet, and I would love to sit, and it would be silent in the house. I wouldn't even have the TV on. I just sit and eat cereal and just think.

You know one of my little cheap joints? I guess it's in the name for it, but I like to slice a tomato and fry up some bacon.

Just tomato and bacon?

Tomato and bacon.

That's some Southern-ass bullshit.

I don't know where it- That's some steep South bullshit. Because my granny used to She should just get tomatoes and just salt them and eat them like an apple.

That's where my dad would do that. Yeah.

I was like, I don't get it, but now I get it.

Where's she from?

I think her roots are Georgia.

Yeah. My dad's from North Carolina, and that's some Southern-ass bullshit. He would eat a tomato like an apple. I thought that was wild.

They're weird people. It's a weird generation.

Yeah, I don't understand that shit.

But it's great. Just a slice of tomato and some bacon.

See, for me, the texture of tomato is just... I can't do it. The mush is wrong.

There's something about the saltiness that brings the sweetness out of the tomato.

Yeah, I see the bacon pair is good, but bacon does that for fucking everything.

Oh, right.

You can bake it on celery and be like, This is fucking delicious. You can wrap a dick in bacon.

But But it's something about the right tomato, too, because it's all different. It's a little beef heart.

A little beef heart.

Slice of bacon.

Did your grandmother ever cook traditional deep south soul meals? Did you ever have collard greens and all that shit? Oh, yeah.

I love some collard greens. But see, once we start talking about the different parts of the pig.

See, I ate all that shit because my grandmother in the south loved all that. They loved all that shit.

Chitlins, suck my dick. I don't need them. I don't understand the obsession with Chitlins.

Did you ever eat thistle?

No.

You know what thistle is? No. It's so funny. My grandmother used to say, like a rugula. My dad would be like, that's like railroad track lettuce. Like, that would grow wild by the railroad tracks. Oh, wow. And thistle grows wild in the south, usually by, I don't know, like heavily wooded areas. And thistle look... I mean, it looks like... It's like spiky. It looks like a spiky weed. But when you cut off all the spikes and get to the center, it's almost like... I don't even know how to describe it. I don't know. It's almost like a- The Brussels brow? No, almost like a cucumber. Yeah, it's almost like a cucumber on the inside. But people will eat that shit off the street.

So you got Southern roots?

Yeah. My dad was from... Well, my stepdad, who raised me. Oh, wow. Yeah. My step. My whole family is scum from Chicago.

So you had all hog maws and fuck it.

Oh, bro, my dad Eats the most foul shit on planet Earth. You couldn't even imagine. He'll eat oysters from a can. Canned oysters. Yeah, dude.

See, I just got into oysters, but I love the- Yeah, you're never going to eat them out of a fucking can.

No way.

They got to be fresh out to sea.

This is worse than what you'd get in the fucking army. You know what I mean? This is like, can, push, press, set on a shelf for a year. My dad thinks that's the greatest thing on Earth. He loves it. Oh, God. Yeah, it makes me nauseous, dude.

Old folks from the south, man.

They eat the wildest But also he grew up with all that, so it's not even... He questions that. My dad will eat. It's also very unhealthy. I mean, I love my father, but there's days he'll have pork rinds for breakfast. Just a bag of pork rinds.

You ain't never had boot string and peace.

Boot string and peace is good for you in the morning, boy.

I always hated okra. You ever had that shit?

Okra is the worst, man. My dad loves okra. I fucking hate it. There's not enough shit you could put on that to make it good to me. But like, grit That's fine. All that's fine. The standard shit. Country ham.

That's some gritz. Scrapple. Did you all have Scrapple?

Scrapple, yeah. Scrapple is good, yeah.

That's a real regional thing. Some people don't even know what I'm talking about.

No Scrapple. They had Scrapple, yeah.

I'll get down on some Scrapple. Sure.

But that's flavorful.

It's also real bad for you.

All that shit is bad for you.

None of it's terrible.

None of that shit has any health aspect whatsoever to it. They weren't worried about that. They were just trying to get through the day.

You have calories to get through the day.

Yeah. I mean, I used to see my grandmother, she'd kill chickens in her in her backyard. She'd wring the neck. She would do it all herself. She'd defeather it and all that shit. And she'd come in, and I'll vividly remember this. I told my dad, he laughed. She was cutting a chicken breast, and she was searing little cubes, little tiny cubes of chicken breasts. I remember being probably 12 or something like that. She was searing these cubes of chicken breasts and like, ahi tuna, she would sear the outside and pop it in her mouth and eat it. The inside was completely fucking raw, and she loved it. She's like, Come over here and have one of these. I was like, no, I need that shit. I know. But that's old school shit. By the way, never got her sick or nothing. She was fine. I think we're so protected and we're so scared of food because of all the bullshit we put in our food.

We know too much.

We know way too much. We know way too much. She never got sick. My grandfather was a beekeeper, and he'd go out there, and sometimes he'd go out there and just the face covering, but nothing else. Like, nothing else on his body. You know people wear the full suit? No, he would just wear the one that covered up his neck, so he didn't get stung in the face.

Just not my eyes.

No, he just didn't want them in the fucking face.

Yeah, fucked my hands up.

Yeah, but he didn't give a shit, and he would rarely get stung. I always noticed that. I thought that was wild. Because if you're gentle and slow with it and they get used to your pheromones, bees can get used to a handler. So they'll know it's him when he comes out there. And I guess they can taste it on his skin and they don't fucking sting him because they know that he's not going to kill the queen or hurt the queen. He's coming just to collect, and then he leaves.

Okay. So they just set some honey aside for him?

Yeah. They give it to that motherfucker. Okay.

I get it. Yeah. And that's how I know. That generation was better than us. Because if the day came where we had to go back to being like- Like that? Yeah. Where we had to make our own food.

Like a ring of chicken's neck in your backyard and feather it. Very few of us would survive. Yeah. I'll be straight up and say there's no fuck. I couldn't do it. I mean, I'd probably turn bitch And just not kill shit and just eat a vegetarian or vegan. You know what I mean? I would just eat. I just don't feel like killing a man. I'm just hoping I'm going through it.

I hope my bit still work in the Apocalypse because that's all the skills I got.

Yeah. That's like some pussy shit, but I would not be able to kill an animal and eat it. I've been around it. I've seen a deer killed and cleaned, and I'm like, I don't want to fucking do that shit.

I mean, that's the thing. I could definitely kill an animal. Yeah. But Clean it. Emotionally, I'm capable of killing an animal.

Sure.

But it's like chopping it up.

That's what I'm saying.

Dressing it? No.

It's just too tough. Some people say it's a religious experience. You feel like you get closer to it when you do do that because when you hunt for your meal and you kill it. I mean, instinctively, it's probably the best thing for us is to probably have to kill it to eat it. It does something for it. It's like eating with your hands. The parts of the world that still continue to eat with their hands your hands, we think that's crazy because you're like, Oh, that's bacteria. But your hands have natural enzymes that will kill bacteria on them. But we wash our hands so many fucking times, we've stripped it all away. We've literally lost some of the enzymes that our hands possess to kill bad bacteria. That's why we fight because we eat with not our hands anymore. And when you do with your hands, it's like a piece of pizza, and you hold it by the most burnt piece.

Well, I blame the fucking the Royal family.

Yeah, it is their fault, isn't it? Those cocksuckers.

Yeah, they're the ones that made it like, you're better if you have utensils. Right.

You with your hands like a pig. But that's like, sandwich was such a great idea that he was like... It's so funny that a sandwich is also such a beautiful piece of food, but it's just caused from glutton. Anthony because he wanted more beef, but the beef would slide out. So he's like, give me the loaves of bread and the beef will be able to be held inside the bread. That was the theory of a sandwich. It wasn't for... Yeah, but it wasn't for symmetry or anything like that. It was because he wanted the beef to stay together. It kept falling out of his fucking hands.

And then they named it after. They named it after his kingdom.

His kingdom. Yeah. The Earl of Sandwich. The Earl of Sandwich. Yeah. Which is brilliant, though, that he was like... But it was born from gluttony.

Yeah. I stand by it. One of the best inventions came out of laziness.

So many of them.

Yeah, because a sandwich is... I'm sorry. It's better than just those... Actually, there's a new trend now. You've seen this where they make a sandwich And then they put it in a food processor and chop it up into... So people are eating it by the spoonfuls.

I don't like this at all. This makes me really upset. We're going down a wrong path.

It's not what it's meant to be, man.

No, that's upsetting as shit. Are you one of these guys that got an air fryer at the house? I got an air fryer. Everybody air fries everything all the time. We don't have one. We're behind the times.

You got to get one, man.

That's what everyone fucking says.

No, it's awesome. Some of them are going to be a little pain in their ass to keep clean, but it's just a way of frying without having to deal with all the grease and shit.

Yeah, because deep frying is a fucking absolute nightmare. When you fry something in your fucking kitchen, it looks like so much spilled.

It's gross.

It's disgusting. And it smells. Yeah, I can't do it.

And you're literally just really soaking up all the grease and putting it in your fucking blood.

I know. You might as well drink the grease. Well, that reminds me of when I had my one bedroom, it was like a glorified one bedroom, but it was more like a studio. But whenever I would fry something or cook it like that, my whole house would smell and my clothes would smell in my room. And I remember saying, I can't wait to get an apartment big enough where my clothes don't smell like what I ate that morning for breakfast or lunch.

What's your top sandwich?

My top sandwich?

Yeah. What's your go-to sandwich?

Today I had Mortadela with salami Mozzarella, mozzarella, balsamic dribble, and Calabrian chili paste on a French roll. And that shit's like my fucking-Boozy, isn't it? That's my shit, dude. Salami, Capacola or Mortadella. That combination. Ham? Yeah, I like ham. But Salame Mortadella. Oh, God. So good. That shit is fucking I go for a nice BLT. Oh, you see? Yeah, because I don't eat tomato.

That's why. Or I like, shout out to the Jews. I like a good bagel with locks and capers.

I fuck with that. I'll have that. But if I'm going like Jewish deli sandwich, I'm going to have a pastrami or a corn beef sandwich. I used to get those corn beef sandwiches from what's it called next to the Laugh Factory and eat it on my walk home.

I'm going to suck it for some pastrami. If a A woman ever home made me some good pastrami. Now you'll get married. I'll consider that an engagement. Just some good ass pastrami. But you can't eat that shit every day. I can eat a BLT every day.

Yeah, you shouldn't, but you could.

Yeah, pastrami just feels... I don't know what's bad about it, but I know it's not good.

That's like anything, where you're like, by the way this makes me feel, I can tell it's probably not good. Where are you at tonight? Are you going up tonight?

What do you got left? Tonight, I got a spot over at the Hotel Cafe and then at the store.

I love Hotel Cafe. Yeah. That's one of my favorite places to go see bands. I used to go see bands. There are tiny bands. We'll go play. If you wanted to go see a low key great band, that's like their workout. Bands will go there like we go to the club.

Oh, is that their mic?

A lot of them do. Yeah. And they do secret pop up shows or one offs and shit. And over the years, I used to go see bands there do a special set. And I always thought that was so fucking cool.

It's a dope little- It's a dope little spot.

It's a sexy little room.

It's a dope little spot. Then I might end up at the store, obviously. Then tomorrow, the Palladium, I think.

And then Sunday- What's at the Palladium?

I think it's like a running Netflix show.

Okay, where?

That It just anyone, anybody that's here at the festival could just go and pop up. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And then Sunday I'm doing the Taylor Thomas show.

I think that's at the Palladium. The Midnight. Oh, have you done her Midnight Show? No. Yeah. You know the after Midnight.

Oh, no, not I'm coming back next month to do that.

I'm talking about she has a stand-up show. Her live show. A stand-up show. A stand-up show. Oh, yeah. Well, I can't wait to see this continuous rise out of you. You've been a friend for a while. I'm happy for you. I'm stoked to see what's next. I knew you knew it. You talked about it. We talked about it. We knew that you were having your thing. It was coming down the pipeline. When you get back out in the fall and do theater since the fall, right? Yeah. All right. Kids got to go there. Briansimson.

Com, probably. Yeah. My next stop is Phoenix, Arizona, the Desert Ridge Improv after this next weekend.

Desert Ridge. Desert Ridge. Up north. You're up north.

No, it's in Phoenix. It's a new improv.

It's brand new.

Yeah, it's brand new.

But Desert Ridge. Well, I know Phoenix because I live there. I'm saying in my mind, that's up north. North Phoenix. Okay. Yeah. I don't know anything about it. Yeah. That's up there. Okay. There's a few clubs up there. But yeah, when I was in school, the Tempe Improv was the only Club. Now there's seven fucking clubs in Phoenix, which is wild as shit.

They keep convincing people to live in that hell hole.

Yeah. You know why? It's just cheap. Arizona is cheap, too. If they can get you out there, they'll keep you. They're like, good, man.

Because you can miss a bus and dive Yeah, I love dehydration.

Yeah. Go to briansimson. Com. Go see my man. I love you, bro. You're the best. Look at that camera. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode to take us home, my friend.

Get revenge. Don't forgive. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger.

Like that, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a beautiful Get revenge. Don't forgive. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.