In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Dan St. Thank you, buddy.

What an intro.

I want to hype up the guests, make them feel something. And you're in basketball shoes, so I wanted to make it so.

I'm wearing my Jordans. What are those?

Jordan 36?

I don't know. They're Jordan 100 on Amazon. I have no idea. Jordan 100 on Amazon? I have a price I want to hit with my shoes.

It's always $100?

It's around 100. Once I book another gig or this goes to series, this show goes to series, I'll bump up to 200.

What show are you working on right now?

Me and Soda got a cartoon where I'm developing a Peacock with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Shut up. Just got a while. If we do it, you'll definitely do a voice on it. Thank you.

Is he involved, Stone Cold?

Yeah, dude. We sold the show with him.

Oh, so he was a part of the process.

We were pitching with Steve. What? It was like we'd have a good... You've pitched a bunch of shows, right?

Yeah, but almost always, if you have a big name like that, or like- That's why you said, I've done that. But sometimes they don't show up. They're like, Yeah, you can use my name, and I'll just be a part of it later. And you're like, All right.

I've pitched a lot, sold a couple. But the ones that I've sold, I went into one with Jake Johnson, and the executive started wrestling Jake, and I was like, Oh, we're selling this. Yeah, they're going to buy it. But Steve, it was hilarious because if a pitch went great, he'd be like, All right. But if it didn't go great, he goes, I think you all need to put a little more stink on it. All right, Steve. We got to understand. Can't be a dumb bitch when you get in the room. But it was awesome. I mean, he's awesome.

That was one of my favorite of all time, of all of the shitty MTV punk. That one was the best where the guy was being rude to the valet.

Dude, and he looked like he was about to beat his fucking ass.

It was awesome. He was like, You're a stupid son of a bitch. You know that? And the dude, the actor, whoever it was, you could tell there was a moment when he thought, I got a break because this guy's going to knock me out. Stone Cold is going to literally knock me out. Yeah, for sure. And everyone as an audience was like, punch him, dude. Just punch him, Steve.

It was the greatest punk because then I've seen ones. Did you see the one where I think somebody almost started crying? It was like Justin Timberlake.

Timberlake, yeah.

He started crying and you're like, oh.

They removed all of his goods from his home. Yeah. That's a tough one. So lame, bro. Would you just be like, don't air this? I'd be like, don't air that, dude.

I'll give you money to not air that. I wouldn't start crying. No, no. I guess that guy had all that trauma, though, from Lou Perlman, just taking all the fucking- All those childhood stars, they were so abused and so grossly overused. You saw the Disney thing? Yeah, it's disgusting.

No, no, I didn't watch it. I saw In the zeitgeist of the internet now, you don't even need to watch anything. Everyone just tells you all of it.

See enough clips.

Yeah, it's disgusting is all it is. But it's not like anybody's surprised.

No, not that one.

People are taking advantage of all these young kids. You're like, Yeah, this is gross. It felt gross anyway.

I mean, you think back in the day when Shirley Temple's just smoking a pack of Reds with all the fucking midgets from Wizard of Oz. When she was 11 or something like that.

It's insane. I watched a documentary yesterday on the plane ride home about Rock Hudson, about him having to hide his But the funny thing was- I hear that's great.

That's the H-reel, right?

It's really good. Dude, if Rock Hudson was alive today, though, the internet would have clipped him within the first year of his partying because he would go out in West Hollywood and just they'd collect dudes and bring them back to his castle is what they call it. He did 30 dudes, and it was all a legit party. Everybody wanted to be there, but it was part of the conversation that they were like, You can't tell anybody that you were at Rock Hudson's house, but that was all his staff. He didn't care. It almost felt like he wanted people to know he was gay and didn't give a shit, but everyone around him was like, Come on, dude, we got to- Wild.

Protect the bag. Dude, I would be having such a fun time. I never get propositioned by women anymore. I'm married, but this week, I just got a casual message from some guy who's Because he saw a bit of mine. He says, I bet I had a gay experience in college. He's like, Hey, man, you want me to suck your dick? And I was like, No, I'm good.

But that's so nice. Thank you, though.

I said, Hey, that's really nice. He goes, All right, well, you're looking good. I was like, Thanks, buddy.

Thank you, dude. I I've been propositioned a few times on the road by men asking me to sleep with their wives, even if I was single. No, thank you.

I have zero interest in that. Yeah, that's a lot of... Because first off, you don't know when the guy is going to flip and then all of a sudden just beat you to death.

Yeah, exactly. You're in his home. Also, they want to be there to watch as a whole thing. And this is multiple times. The first time I ever got asked was years ago, and I thought he was joking around. And he kept pushing me about it. And then I was like, dude, leave me alone.

I haven't known any white guys that's happened I've known a couple of black guys, so good for you.

I'm black. There's parts of me that are black. I mean, I'm rare, like a black guy. You're rare. I'm rare. Yeah. You're half ginger. You're like not one of us.

I'm not fully ginger.

We'd walk you into the meeting, but we'd have to pat you down and make sure you're still valid.

Yeah, it would be like black clansmen, but with gingers. Yeah.

No, I got asked a few times and it was... I even thought, let's just say I'm a single guy. All of the negative things about it immediately enter your brain of like, well, I'm in your house. You're probably going to be filming this or something fucking crazy. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's never going to work out.

But with a love's budget.

It's going to be bad no matter what. But getting offered for some guy to give you head is rad, man. Good for you.

Yeah, I still got it, apparently.

You still got. What was the gay experience in college?

I hooked up with this. Well, this guy, he went down on me. It's the straightest way to hook up. I gave him a handjob, which is the gayest way to be gay. But he ended up winning a Tony. The one time I went with gays, I hit the LeBron James of gays.

Yeah, that's pretty impressive.

The girls I hooked up with in college, they work at fucking guitar center now. I don't know where they're at. I should have stayed in my lane because I would have been having a lot more fun, I think. I'd probably be dead from '80s Aids.

Yeah, for sure.

You know what I mean? Thick mustache AIDS.

Yeah, you would have gotten that. The Rock Hudson stuff, the good stuff.

Yeah, like petitioning for Congress Aids. Like in the '80s with a blanket around you and shit.

You made the quilt. You were a quilt maker. I made the quilt.

I become the quilt. Yeah.

I saw that, by the way, in the documentary, they did show that quilt when they brought it to DC and they put it in front of the Washington Monument. And I remember as a kid hearing about it because we're close to the same age. I'm 40. How old are you?

I'm 40 in May.

So I remember as a kid hearing about that thing, but not really understanding because I was like, what are they making them blankets for? Why are they doing that? Why do they need blankets? I didn't understand. It's like they're all quilting for these gay people. I was like, why is that important to the culture? Then you got older, you're like, oh, right. This is so like Congress would pay any attention to these people. Dude, it's wild. They had to make noise. Otherwise, Reagan was like, not interested.

No, not interested at all.

He was like, AIDS is gay.

Well, have you seen those? The speeches were Clinton's talking about it, and there's just guys yelling in the back, We're dying. Yeah. We're dying. He's like, That's not good. Must have been fucking wild.

I'm sad that you're dead. I'll play sex at your funeral. Clinton attends gay funeral. Play sax. Yeah, no, they didn't. It was polarizing to see because I watched these old Hollywood documentaries a lot to see. Because there were things about the old days that were beautiful, obviously, that had… But there was a lot of sparkle on pieces of shit. But the studio system was so interesting that they paid for everything. They literally bought your whole life. It's as if you didn't have to handle cash because they didn't want you to be aware of what's really going on. They were like, Well, buy We'll pay for your house, food, car service. So you didn't see a bill. They didn't see Rock. They said Rock Hudson just didn't handle money. The only reason he needed money was when he went out at night to clubs. That's why there was this big disparity of We can't give him cash because then we know he'll be up to no good again. So he needed money to go out to go party, but they wanted to keep him isolated, being like, Don't you have a beautiful home? You have all those shit you need, right?

In some way, look, is that confining? But now living in the day where you can't just be a comedic actor. You got to be a stand-up. You got to have two podcasts. You got to fucking start an LLC for God's... There is something comforting about just somebody like... It's just being Priscilla Presley, just a kept person.

Well, I think being in the... The toughest thing about being in the arts or whatever you want to say is now people are making less art because you're trying to with the business. That's the hardest part. You're like, I have to do all the shit, and I also have to make the thing, but I have to keep doing the thing to make sure I'm able to do the shit.

Because I don't have a social media guy, so it's like me, I'm making sure, okay, to hit the algorithm, I've got to make sure it comes in at 3:00 PM. It's insane. It's terrible. You're like trying to mainline heroine or something. It's crazy, dude.

By the way, I'm sorry. You talked about this off camera before you got in. I should have removed the bottles, but there is it. Oh, no, it's fine. It's a massive bar. But you're six months sober. It's good.

Six months back, yeah. Been going to meetings for 18 years. I went on a bad one after my mom died last year. So now I'm like, so now I'm back out of the woods after that.

But you're healthy again. You're happy again.

Healthy again. Happy again. Doing stand up again, writing again, all that shit. I miss it here a little bit, man. We used to go to Cafe 101, you and I, for dinner before that place got shut down.

Well, they made it something else. They made it something else, and I don't go over there anymore.

No, I don't like the... Why change it? That was It's such a fun LA place.

This is the problem. Los Angeles is so transient, both in its businesses and people that nothing can stay here. We don't keep anything. The only things that are kept here, we're already here for 50 years. But if you're relatively new, like you were birthed in the '80s and the '90s in LA, you're gone. They're going to move on. Something else needs to get in that business. And those people want to sell because they're like, fuck it, it's worth money. We'll sell the business and get out of town.

Yeah. I went on a black Dahlia tour when I lived here. Oh, yeah. At the very end of it We'd show you the house where they found the body, but it's a Krispy Kreme.

How appropriate. That is actually perfect.

Every true crime tour guide, by the way, he was just covered in cat hair. I've never just like...

Yeah, he should be. He should be. Well, you said before the show, too, you have three dogs. You used to only have one. How many dogs do you guys have? We only have one now. We're getting another one.

Oh, nice. What do you think I was thinking?

I don't know, man. There's just whatever the mutt hut up the street. We're just going to grab one of those idiots.

Not going to get put. Who is like two days from getting put down.

Yeah, just grab a moron and then take it in and have fun with it. It was one that was probably living in a barrio in East LA that was kicked out of a home and then now was eating street scraps. We get those things. They have diarrhea for a month, and then they level out. Once you get to the worms and everything, the dogs are great.

But street mutt dogs. We're at We're our third one right now, and we'll probably get... I don't think we can get any less than three. That's what my wife told me.

She's like, I need three. No less than three.

No less than three. Holy shit. She's like, I need three. She wants four. I'm like, We live in a fucking two bedroom in Queens, dude.

That's a lot. We can't do that. But I If it provides some happiness and safety and whatever you need, who gives a shit?

I love it. They're a lot. They're on us all the time.

No cats, though, right?

No cats. I'm allergic to cats.

Yeah, aren't we all?

Yeah. Are you?

I feel like we're supposed... Yeah, I think everybody is allergic to cats.

It's like we shouldn't drink milk.

It's one of those things. But we do it anyway. Just before I got here, I was just chugging down half and half in my car. I've tried to go the route of the popular Oat, almond, whatever. You feel better afterwards. You do, but the flavor of rich, thick, fatty milk is untouched.

Have you always been thin?

I went through a little heavier phases, but never big.

You You've always look pretty good.

Well, I have cognizantly punished myself when I over eat and then feel so much shame about it that I hurt myself. And then I get back to where I need to be. So I abuse myself and I go back. Yeah, you're Ricky Lake?

I'm up and I am all the time. Too big now. I broke my friend's toilet yesterday, so I'm like, all right, we got it. If I'm becoming a fucking scene from the clumps, I've got to work this out. What did you do?

You sat down and turned too fast and then snap?

I was taking a shit. I didn't I didn't even just sit down. I'm taking shit, and I felt it crack underneath me like the fucking San Andreas fault. Yes. And you have to call somebody because I'm staying at their place watching their dog. And I'm like, I got to go buy you guys a new toilet seat. And you could just hear in their mouth like, Well, we're never having you. Totally understandable. They're like, That's okay.

Were you standing on it? Were you jumping on the toilet looking for something above?

So you're not drinking right now.

No, but that chair has been broken. I've talked about this. That chair has been broken and it's not breaking right now. Look at that. Hey, there you go. People broke that chair before.

Rest in peace, Ralphie May.

Yeah. Patrice sat on Ralphie's lap on this show one time.

They were like a Russian doll.

Yeah, dude. When you come in then, you always stay at friends' houses or do you ever want to sneak away to a hotel.

No, I'm sitting in an Airbnb for the rest of the time here. You don't like hotels? I was in a hotel for a couple of days, and then I went to my friend's place for a couple of days because they were out of town. I was in another friend's place last night, and now I'm at... Yeah, my Airbnb for the rest of it. And I think I prefer to just do a hotel the next time for two weeks.

I like hotels only because- You don't have to look for a key. I don't feel guilty about hotels because you can just get in, fuck it up, trash it, and then leave and not feel...

It's starfish on the bed.

I don't want to feel weird about somebody's house, about being like, Oh, man, I'm in this person's house, and maybe I shouldn't smoke in here or whatever that is.

Plus, have you seen that? There's that horror movie Dave Franco did, Rental, where it's okay, but it's pretty good. But the guy makes copies of the keys and comes in and kills everybody. Not that that can't happen in a hotel, but I feel like it's more likely to happen in somebody's house.

It's probably never going to happen at a hotel. The rarity of that would be through the roof. Never going to happen in a hotel. Yeah. Someone can do that in Airbnb so easily. Yes.

I've lived in places in New York that are shady. I used to live in Washington Heights, and I was like, 22, 23. And my landlord used the living room as an office. Imagine bringing a girl home and there would be a giant TV with black white security footage of the whole building. Oh, my God. You have to explain that like, no, don't worry, I'm not the Golden State killer. This isn't for us.

This is for security, for safety, for your safety, in fact.

Just the places I fucking live, dude.

But now you're happy you're in Queens again.

Yeah, we live in a nice little complex. But New York and LA are both shitier since when we've been like 10 years. Last five years, we both seem to decline of Western civilization, both of you and I.

Where would we go, though? That's my problem. Where would you go?

I guess, the rich people are buying really rich people are just buying compounds now, apparently. Freshwater deposits. What am I going to do out there? I'm fucked, dude. Because even if I have a good year, I'm still not in the bracket of great. That's like, rogue money. You know what I mean? You need to have like, rogue money to get like, fresh water deposits.

Yeah. And also that what? So you got to wait for that $250 million check to come in, and that's It's not realistic.

At that point, it's currency devalued anyway. You wonder what's real.

So let's die happy in Queens with three dogs.

Exactly. Although I'd like to be upstate, I think. Do you guys have the one place or you guys have another little place?

No, we have our spot here. We do just little getaway, but we don't have a place. We just get away and we'll just go stay somewhere for a little while, which I wish I had another place somewhere to go to, but I don't mind just getting in a hotel and living somewhere for a little while.

I don't mind We're going to the Pocanos for a couple of days and just living like a normal person would live for four days. That's my idea of a vacation now.

But Upstate's great.

Yeah, I like it up there. I'd love to get a tiny place in the Cat skills, if I ever, if financially I could afford it.

Well, make your girl start that OnlyFans you guys have been talking about.

For sure, man.

You can put all that stuff in your ass and make some money.

Dude, for sure. I mean, I've thought about that. Dude, there's some people I know that are making 40, 70K OnlyFans a month, not even sex acts. Really? Just pictures of asses and shit.

I'll show my pipe for 40K a month. For sure, dude. Yeah, that's insane. Are you kidding me?

And what would be the- Dude, both you and I have done road gigs that are way more humiliating than showing our dick on fucking camera. A hundred %. Are you kidding me?

Where you're staying in a staying in like a Motel 6 and the hum of the Pepsi machine right outside keeps you awake. Like, those moments will be burned into my sad brain for the rest of my life.

That's the worst ASMR ever. Like, when you hear when you just hear the mountain deer rattle, it sounds like a dead man's arm.

Oh, my God. I hate it so much. And people just come and going all night long. It's like that scene in Big when he's a kid and he first moves to New York and the gunshots are right outside.

No, that's exactly what it is. That's what it feels like. You're having that, but when you're 35.

It's awful. Now, those days, I'm glad, are a little bit in the rear view, but it makes you happy when you do go to a place. That's why when I go somewhere and they're like, what's on your rider? And I'm like, nothing. And they're like, you don't want anything? I'm like, no, I just I want to do a show and then go home. I don't need to make this anything other than it is. I'm just happy that we're here and we're doing it. Let's get the fuck upstairs.

You don't have the Air Force 1s.

Yeah, that's insane. What is that? Who was that? Ari Spears. It was Eddie Griffin, I think. Oh, Eddie Griffin. I don't know. Somebody would ask for shoes at every venue. I remember hearing that. They wanted a fresh pair of Air Force 1s at every venue. What a great demand.

I'm not in that category. I'm in the category where I'm happy they're giving me a Weston instead of being like, Oh, you're just staying with me and the kids. Have you I had a gig once where I stayed with the guy, and I'm waking up in the morning having breakfast with this whole fucking family, and I'm like, what can I look at around?

Uncle Dan is here. He's a new uncle every weekend.

And it was like, cut up hot dog pieces. I'm like, this is like a great depression photo. This entire milieu.

Paint this, Norman Rockwell. Sad stand-up comic in other man's home. Chumming through shit food.

In here, we pour whiskey.

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Dinger. I like Dinger.

Well, the condo days when you stayed in condos a lot.

Oh my god, the condo, dude.

That was tough. Those condos were really, really tough.

There's that one in Winnipeg. They also had old ladies there, and you're going to the gig and you're just seeing old people wait for their families that don't show up in the lobby.

So sad. Why do we do this? And you have to pretend it's totally okay and normal for you to be in that situation, too.

I mean, you do like last night, I'm at the main room of the store. It's like 400 people. And you're like, this is the life. You're like, famous people are on the show. And then immediately you're brought down to Earth, like a week later. You're at a Quinta Inn with a gun in your mouth.

It does feel it's up and down. But look, you're up right now. You have a special out. Let's plug it, baby.

Youtube, baby. Free, free, free. Free, free, free. Go watch it right now. No paywall.

No paywall on YouTube. Now, do you do the thing where you let them donate to you on there? I do.

I put my Venmo Oh, and then they also have something you could donate to 800 pound.

Yeah, that's the move.

Oh, 800 pound who you did with? Yeah, they put some money in at the end, like two-thirds funded by me, one-third funded by them, but they're great to work with. Yeah, they were awesome. And your last one was Netflix, right?

Netflix and 800 pound. And 800 pound. They did it with me.

And now is it on... Did it move from Netflix to- Just on Netflix now.

The next one I'm doing is with Hulu. I'm doing Hulu.

Oh, I heard they're doing stuff.

Yeah, I want to do Hulu. I'm moving away from Netflix. Yeah. No more I think it's a lot over there, and I feel like maybe I want to try something new. I love Hulu, dude.

I have my live TV set up.

That's what I do. That was part of my... I was literally like, I like the platform. I think it's great. And that wasn't the reason, but it was like, I want to try something new. A lot of people are trying new. There's a good list of names of people that are leaving, going over. So who knows, man?

Netflix, if you're looking for anybody while Santino- Yeah, you lost me.

You lost me. Pick up Saint Germain.

You're open for the fatter, sweatier, Ginger. I'm here.

No, Louis already exists. He is the fatter son of your junior. That is true.

Has he been on the show?

No, dude. He's rarely in LA, from what I know. And if he ever is, I've never bugged him to be on the show because him and I don't really know each other. So it's so funny. It's like all the time I've spent in New York and all the I do know, he's one of those guys I just don't know. But I never... It's always... I don't really try to ingratiate myself in situations where I just don't feel like I should. So if he's with people that I know, I'm not going to go over there and be like, Hey, who the I just never do that.

I just don't care. I've seen him at the cellar table, and that's about it. We've been totally fine, quite nice to each other. But is there any comic now? I think he's probably one of the best, if not the best.

He's the best right now. He's probably the best. Probably the best of all time.

Probably the best of all. He's probably the goat, right? But are there anyone? Because I can't think of it. Is there anyone in comedy you would be nervous around still? No. Still? I don't think so. No.

I think it's just sports guy.

There's maybe just a couple of people from... Maybe if I saw Bruce Springsteen, I'd be nervous.

Jordan, I'd be Jordan would do it.

He would make you feel nervous, too. He would make you feel nervous. Yeah.

He'd be like, nice shoes. You know what I mean? And then you'd look down and immediately be like, these are the worst shoes I've ever worn in my entire life. He hates my shoes. He fucking hates my shoes. He's mocking me.

It would not be fun. You don't want to meet Michael Jordan.

Jordan would be I think, comedian-wise, no. I can't think of anybody. Nobody that's- Is there any actor that you've been on? No. Fuck no. Fuck that. No, they're all fucking dorks. No. I think a Dead comics. Carlin would have scared the shit out of me to meet. I would have been scared of that.

I heard he was super nice, but yeah.

But that still would have intimidated the fuck out. I don't know. He would have been like- He would have been scary.

Prior, probably would have been scary.

But outside of those guys, nobody alive would freak me out.

No, nobody would freak me out.

Well, that's the good thing about the internet, of all the bad things. They know not to be a piece of shit to people now because people can just say that you're a piece of shit.

Yeah, they can lie anyway. But yes, it's very easy now. It's not like this. You read that book, I Killed, where the story's about Carson just being a complete piece of shit. You can't get away with that anymore.

It is fucked up to think that guy was a... He was a kingmaker. The kingmaker. But was so manipulative and so fucking evil. I mean, according to some of those stories. Oh, yes.

Some of those stories are crazy.

That you're like, holy shit.

Didn't he used to come back to his wife and be like, I fuck this girl in the office and make jokes about it? She's crying in the corner.

The lasagna is almost ready. No, I think it just became More apparent that famous people couldn't be mean and get away with that anymore. I think people were tired of it. So a lot of people piped up and were like, I don't want to feel like shit anymore just because you're more famous. I think that changed a lot. Our young generation, when we were young, the guys who above us used to bump us all the time, and then now we're the guys. I don't bump anybody. I don't fucking walk in and bump.

I ask for spots. I'm not at bump level yet. The only time I bump was if I go in a shitty bar show and I'm like, Can I go first? That's where I go.

Yeah, but that's not really bumping. That's not really bumping. That's sliding up the lineup because you need to leave.

That's just sliding up the lineup and getting out of there. But yeah. No, I mean, it's so weird now because, and I noticed this, I don't know if you noticed this, the guys above us, above class, have become so much nicer in the last... And not just because, oh, they probably saw, okay, these guys aren't just... They're not just a flash in the pan. They're in it. Yeah, they're legit. They're in it. But also because these new TikTok guys and YouTube guys that just blew past almost everybody that they're like, oh, at least these two guys are real comics. Right.

And they've been around in the shit.

And they've been around in the shit. I'm going to be nice to them because this kid has been doing it three months and selling out fucking theaters.

Well, yeah, I saw. I was talking to somebody where I just came in from out of town and I was talking to the manager and he was like, yeah, you probably won't recognize any of the names on the list on that board because I was looking at who's coming next. Yeah. I didn't know anybody. For the first time in years because I- It's so nice, though, when you're on a show with those guys and you just torch them.

Just destroy. Just torch them. I'm like, I know you guys are getting all the bookings I should be getting, but I'm going to make you fucking work for it.

I didn't recognize one name and it was a, I don't know. It was like moment of like, yeah, this is all changing in front of our face. So it is what it is.

Because they're a food and drink business. People are like, oh, they should put more comics. I'm like, no.

They sell chicken wings.

They sell chicken wings. They want their servers to come home with a couple of hundred bucks.

Right. They don't want just comics who come in who are there for the craft. That's not their shit.

They're not going to be like, I made 200 less dollars, but this guy's really in it for the right reason.

Yeah. They don't give a fuck about that. Did he push the drinks? Push the drinks.

That's what it is. It's just push the drink. That's the one thing you'll see whenever you go to a club. The most soul-sucking thing is to read the host copy where it's like, make sure to plug the drinks here, plug the drinks here, plug the drinks here.

Well, I've asked very politely, but also as somewhat of a demand that I was like, you can't play a video before I go on stage because I'm doing a little club run. I was like, you can't do a video before I go on stage. I shotgun. I don't want the host to go back up. No one's had a problem with it. But also it's like, I want my show the way I want my show. I sold these tickets. I don't want them to have to watch a video about who might be coming in a month and a half and then have a host go up and fill all this dead. This time that to me, the thing I love the most about the store is we shotgun. There is no host.

You bring up the next guy. Just play rock, man. Have rock and roll play when people come in and then start the show.

That's how I like it. I don't know. Just start the show. The seller still does host. They still have someone come back. I've always been a fan of Bring Up The Next comic. I don't know why, but I just like it.

Have you done the Stress Factory? They play America's Funny's Home videos beforehand, and you're like, I'm not going to beat fucking old guy. Getting kicked in the nuts. Getting kicked in the nuts? Getting kicked in the nuts? Are you out of your mind?

Yeah, that stuff drives me nuts. That's why I'm always like, please don't play the video. They don't need to be distracted from a thing that they're going to see by something else that doesn't exist here. It doesn't exist here. It's almost like, do you want to see It's like before an NBA game, if they played a Globetrotters tape against the Generals, and you're like, Why are you showing them this?

It's somebody like, they're playing the best thing. It's like Chris Kittan is coming up and they're playing the Mango sketch, the That's the one everybody loves. The one thing. They're not even going to fucking see that next week.

That's not going to be here. Stop showing them that.

Something very different is going to be here.

When you go on the road, do you take somebody or no?

I have a couple of people that I take, but I can't... Dude, I'm still making low-tier headliner money. That's why I'm on here, baby. Book me, baby. Book him, baby. But I think I'd be more comfortable if I could really take care of people more. But But yeah, it's funny because I'll headline some, and then I've been open. I open for Dan sometimes. Dan Soter, great guy. For the Soda man? I love that guy. Greatest guy. But I do like bringing people, but I want to get to the point either next year or the year where I'm getting paid enough where I can fucking take care of the guy.

I feel that.

Instead of just being like, Hey, hopefully you have feature pay and chicken wings. Free food. Hopefully, you don't lose money on this trip.

That was the thing. I talked to Segur about that a while ago about how when we started and we were doing hosts or feature spots, the pay was the same as it is now. It's insane, dude. Which is comical. You're like, It's the same money? Nothing changed?

I heard somebody who's writing on something now, and they're getting the same day rate. And I was like, what did we have the strike for?

Dude, I posted a picture the other day just as a bit on my story that I got like a... I think it was at midnight and it was a residual and it was one cent. It was one cent. Oh, my God. And then I wrote underneath it, I'm glad we had that strike finally paid off. One cent. It was just like, whoa.

This is not worth the... Literally not worth the paper it's printed on.

Yeah, it's embarrassing. I think about that all the time. What was that strike for?

Did we get the thing? I'm not sure. I think showrunners got richer.

Well, you've been in a bunch of writing rooms.

I mean, you've made your way. Yes, I've done a lot of those. Have you ever done the writing room thing?

I've done the pop in and then get the fuck out of there.

Yeah, that's the fun. Get paid.

Get paid and leave. I never wanted to be in the muck.

In the shit. No way.

Egos, I'm sure. Egos in those rooms.

Well, it's like comedy, dude. You can spot pretenders a mile away. For sure. I've worked with guys who are incredible. I worked with Dan O'Shannon or Jess Dweck on a late night show. And they're like, again, it's like Jordan. They're just coming up. I've seen Dan O'Shannon come up with a whole story in front of me. But then I also have other guys that I've come with where I'm like, you are terrible. You were good at the interview and you are not fucking contributing a goddamn thing.

It's pretty impressive. When those people keep going through, you're like, this is amazing.

These are people making money. Oh, yeah, of course. These are people making money. I'll tell you exactly who I'm talking about after this. So you know never to hire them. You have a show. You're perfect. But yeah, dude, you can pretend in a way you can't... Because even with stand up, it's like, you're still like, okay, even if you suck, you're still either drawing tickets or you're killing. There's For some reason that you're up there. Sure. But with a writer, you can get away with-Not doing it. Completely. Yeah, completely. I've known people who can't turn in draughts, who can't write a draft, who somehow get a producer level.

But the showrunners don't see through that and they don't fire you or they can't fire you?

Well, it just depends. Some guys have a little bit of that. Have you ever seen the player, the movie 6 Degrees of Separation? No. Will Smith, where he's a pretender in the art world, and he just knows. He knows how to talk to all these. It's really good. He knows how to talk to these people, but really, he's a complete hustler. And there's a lot of guys like that.

That just have the gift.

And now there's less jobs, so I think it happens less, but it still happens.

Would you want to be staffed on another thing again or no?

If it was a great show, for sure.

Yeah, but what's a great show?

Like, comedy-wise, you see something like Righteous That's great. That's just something I just pulled that out of my ass right now. Or F is for family. I'm just thinking of the good ones. Somebody just brought up F is for family. But I'll take a job just for the money, but Would I prefer that? The dream is you want to be the helming your own ship, man. You want to be like your whole thing. Of course.

Well, we're all doing it. We're all trying it. I watched Baby Reindier. Did you watch that series? No, I hear it's great. Wow, dude. And it's by the guy.

I heard it's It's really disturbing.

It's dark. Yeah, it's extremely dark. And it's by the guy who had the experience. It's so truly his story that you're like, this is unmistakable. You couldn't fabricate this. It feels so organic. That's why I think people take to it because it's not written for somebody else's voice. You know what I mean?

Well, Gunn wrote all the Peacemaker or whatever, which was great. That was the best superhero thing I've ever seen. But he wrote all of me. He didn't have a room for it.

That's fucking all eight episodes. The balls to do that, too. It was great. To be like, I'll do it. Get out of here. But you had someone crack story, and then I'm sure helped.

I don't think he did.

Nothing? I don't think he did. See, that stuff. That's where I go, oh, I'm not talented at all. When I hear that stuff, I'm like, Oh, never mind.

Well, he's one of the very best. But you know what? He'll have a thing where he's like, he's just made a bunch of great shit, and then he'll have his Black Adam, and then it'll be I will do his Garfield movie. That's why I stand up so great, dude. It's like, they can't take this fucking thing away from me.

No, this is the equalizer for sure. You can go back to it and the proof has to be your ability.

But you're great on Dave and how many shows before that where it was like, Oh, this is The season I'm gone. And the reason you were still in the convo is because of stand up.

Yeah, because they know that you have the work ethic and the ability and the skill set. It's just sometimes it doesn't play out.

Well, also everyone forgets about everybody. So they're like, oh, Santino is still It's doing it. He's doing it at the store. Oh, yeah, that guy's good. If you're an actor, fuck, dude.

I don't know how they stay alive if you're just an actor that just gets once in a while gigs. I never understood that because they underpay people so much now. I don't know how you could live on it. You literally couldn't. At least we can always go do shows. You can always go do something. They can't go do a fucking spot, an acting spot for the night. They can't just go find a way to make it.

How annoying would those shows be? The worst. In LA, too. You go to Burbank and somebody's doing a scene from street car tonight. You got to buy two drinks. Two?

Fuck. All right, I'll go see them.

I can't think of a worse entertainment than paying to watch actors do scenes all night.

I would kill myself. I would kill myself. Well, it's happening right now somewhere. Of course. They're doing it somewhere.

Of course, they're doing it. Somebody's paying for a studio.

When you were young, did you ever like plays? Did you like theater?

Yeah, my dad's a playwright, dude.

My dad just had- But did you hate it a little bit because of that or no?

No, I did like it. I liked it more now. I haven't seen a play in forever now. God, what was the last thing I saw? The Ferry Men, which was on Broadway, which is amazing. It was this old Irish player where everybody fucking dies at the end. It's great.

Get out of town. It's such an obvious twist. You won't believe it, the Irish all die.

They don't all die, but it's the most Irish player. It's great, but it's the most Irish dark, funny and dark. Then I would get sick of it. It's just good and bad. It does suck when you're in a shitty musical and it's three acts, you're like, fuck.

Do you've never left?

I have.

Yeah, you have to.

For sure. I've left movies, too.

Oh, I've left so many movies. Plenty of movies. I don't know why I've left so many movies lately. More and more now, I feel like I've... You know what I left? I was in a mood where I was like, let's go see a fucking shoot them up like a fun John Wick, the newest John I walked out within six minutes.

I like John Wick, but it was fucking four hours.

Didn't even get there. The first six minutes were a little too much for some reason. I was in a mood and I was like, let's just go eat food. And then we left and went back to the house. This was you and the wife. Yeah, I was like, fuck this. That was great. Because I was like, let's go see a fun, shoot them up, disappear in the mind. Don't even have to think about it film. It's like a mindless entertainment.

It's a great thing about being in a comfortable marriage. You don't have to do that like, fake, let's go to a museum shit. But sometimes it bites you in the ass because me and my wife were like, oh, let's just stay. We had tickets to see the killers, and we're like, Oh, let's just stay in. You got over that, huh? Then we wake up the next morning and like, Bruce Springsteen joins the Killers on stage. Then, of course, the first person I talked to is Ari. He was like, Why would you do that? Why would you do that? It's the killers of the greatest band ever. Oh, my God. You're going to grant that for the rest of your life.

I don't know about the greatest band ever, Ari, but yeah, they're a pretty good band.

They're a good band. I love that guy.

No, but I bailed on stuff where I think maybe it's just an age thing, too. You're tired and you're like, I don't feel like doing that shit. I've done I'm just busy. If you're busy, you just get over those. Dude, one time we went to go see, I don't know if you know the band The National, if you ever heard of those guys.

I love The National. I saw them here. My wife and I have been seeing them for years.

They played a hotel cafe show, a It was a little tiny, 80-seater. That's the first time we saw them years ago. And then they opened for R. E. M. At the Hollywood Bowl. In the ensuing year, they headlined the Bowl, which was awesome to see. But they were opening for R. E. M. And my wife hates R. E. M. So fucking much that we paid really good money, good tickets just to see the National, and then we left. Then we went to a restaurant, got something to eat.

I don't think I would be so much more excited to see the National at R-E-M.

Oh, for sure. But the bummer was, they have worse sound, which always sucks about openers.

Yeah, they're figuring it out.

Yeah. The sound is not tuned in for them yet. And then the sun was setting still. So it was still- That's always a weird vibe. Glaring. Yeah, it sucked. And then when they were done, I was like, well, should we stay for one R. E. M. Song? She was like, no. She fucking was like, absolutely not. I was like, you got it.

You also got to be in the traffic. You got to get out of the traffic.

Yeah, we wanted to get the fuck out. But we've done the bailout on stuff that I'm like, we should have gone. I had tickets to go to a fucking Laker playoff game, but we were moving so we couldn't make it work. And I thought, we should have just fucking gone to that. They were like really good seats. They were almost on the floor.

Yeah, but did they win or lose?

They lost. Yeah, fuck them.

There was the Nuggets series? Yeah. That wasn't worth it, Sam. No, not at all. Those guys, that was That series is a wrap.

Who do you attach yourself to sports-wise?

New York Giants because I'm from Rutherford, New Jersey. And basketball is a little weird because I used to be a Nets fan when they were in Jersey, but then they moved to Brooklyn. I'm like, well, this isn't my fucking team anymore.

But you're not a Knicks guy.

No, I'm a Lakers guy. I was like, fuck it. You guys move to fucking Brooklyn. I'm going to go. I'm going to go across the country.

I'll go join the guys that move from Minnesota.

I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that.

That is an interesting twist.

Who's your team?

All Chicago. But it's hard because it's painful to even talk about it all the time because we're always on the hopeful. When was the last time you guys won?

Cubs.

Who was the last time? Well, we won in 2016. Yes. That was huge. But I mean, prior to that, it was 100 fucking years.

Yeah. Well, I mean, besides the Bulls, just destroying.

Greatest team of all time. But I mean, again, we can't seem to get right. Hopefully, the barrels will do something this year. I don't know.

I keep talking about it. If you're a Chicago fan and you just saw that, if you were a Chicago Bulls fan from Chicago, I mean, the rest of your life as a sports fan, it's so unrealistic after that.

I don't mind that if the Bulls never get good in my lifetime after what I already lived through as a kid. So if we had it again, it's almost the way that, well, the Lakers have been blessed with just an unbelievable dynasty for so long. They don't know what shit is. I mean, they do, but not the way that so many other cities know.

No. And they seem like they always figure out a way to rebuild.

Well, quick, because it's one of the best markets. I think they're going to struggle.

I think they're going to struggle the next couple of years.

When Braun is gone, it'll be a different world. But also the markets are always going to win like LA. People always want to play in LA. It's the fucking spot. Every athlete I know in their offseason, they play here.

Are you friends with any athletes?

A pretty fair amount of athletes, oddly enough. Retired, too, which is also great because they all like to golf, and I'm a golfer. So I meet a million retired athletes through golf because that's all they want to do. Once they're done, they're like, I don't want to- You probably have some great Jordan stories you can't talk about. I got a bunch of good stories. Yeah, you're not allowed to talk about. But it's just great because that's all they want to do because they spent their whole life in the gym and going to practice. And when they're done, they're like, I want to have a drink, have a cigarette or a cigar and just walk and golf.

When you're on the golf course, they get really competitive with you?

Yeah, but there's only so many of them are good at golf because they're so good at something else. You're very good, right? I'm pretty good. You're pretty good. I'm not anything special, but I'm better than the average guy.

But have you played golf with somebody who was an insane basketball or football player, but you're better at golf? Oh, yeah. You can tell they're pissed off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's got to feel fucking great. I'll say it here. The last couple of times I played Pat Mahomes, I beat Pat both times. That's right, Pat. You know it, baby.

You beat Patrick Mahomes at golf.

Yeah, twice. Yeah, twice. Yeah, twice.

Because that guy, you could just tell he gets so pissed. You could tell that guy can't enjoy playing fucking go fish.

No, but he's a good buddy. He's so much fun.

He's going to win forever, dude. That guy is like...

But I did just beat him by one the last time we played, and he was livid about that. Did not like that. By one, fucking drove him nuts. You know what I mean? If I beat him by four strokes, five strokes, whatever. By one is such a painful way to lose. Oh, that's great. That's like an athlete's nightmare.

You beat the fucking Super Bowl MVP. That's At an athletic contest.

I know. Golf is a great equalizer.

That's amazing, dude.

Golf is the only thing that you can be a world-class athlete and some schmuck, some couch potato can be you.

John Daly, right? The king. That's what I said. If somebody's If there's one sport you could be great at, what would it be? I'm like, golf. Of course, golf. Yeah, it's so fun. I can do it until I'm 70. I'm not going to get fucking CTE. Fuck it.

That's amazing. Although one dude who was playing in this group near us, I saw get hit in the head with a ball. He go down? Yeah. And you have a moment where you're like, that could have been any of us. That's so fucking scary. Just a little rock hurtling through the sky. Yeah, it's a bad idea, but it's great.

I sometimes For whatever reason on my Instagram, I got to discover it was a week of people who got hit in the face with fastballs. You ever had that on Instagram? It's like a week of amputees, a week of spiders. You're like, What fucking nightmare factory is happening?

What did I say one night?

What did I say one night?

That's what it really is. Here's you waking up in the middle of the night talking to your wife about a weird dream you had, and then it just starts logging it in that fucking thing. Jesus Christ, what a fucking discovery. What are you doing now? Are you taking a break from standup or you're touring heavy No, I can't take a break. But you just put up this special. Do you have a new hour already?

I'm fucking 30 minutes in, 25 minutes in. I mean, I got to... 25 minutes in, I'll say. So hopefully, I don't know when this is coming out, but 70 % will be new if you see me.

Do you do stuff from the special that's out or no, you don't touch it?

I tried not. The last one, I tried not to. And then I did 10 minutes from the special and then 30 minutes from- It's hard.

People don't understand how hard it is, man.

It's hard, I mean, look, there's some people I was fucking... I remember I was opening for Michelle Wolf, and she was filming her special, and she had two separate hours that she was bouncing. I was like, I cannot fathom that. But it's cool when I get to, if I open for soda, then it's 20 minutes. So I have like, all right, I have no excuse to do anything that's ever been on TV.

You just have to kill for 20 minutes.

I just have to kill for 20 minutes. And if I do anything that was on TV, fuck myself. Fuck you. Yeah. I'm like, But yeah, man, it's hard to build up new shit. So you're starting again. You're starting a new...

I have an hour that I'm presenting that is probably... I'm so close to it being carved out the way I wanted to. Oh, that's great. But I'm still removing stuff and putting in new stuff.

So you're pretty going on this. You're more trimming on this next tour.

I'm just learning how to place and puzzle it the way that I want to do it and then removing stuff that I've got sick of at this point because it's been six months of it where I'm like, I didn't even like that that much. That's got to go. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'm cleaning off all the fucking fat.

But that's the thing that sucks about being in a room, though, man. You have a hard time writing stand-up because you're using all that.

That mental energy. Yeah, that's tough.

That's the thing that sucks.

And if you take something from the room from those things, you feel weird about it when you're like, I can't.

I know I said that. Yeah, and I have before because I'm like, Oh, they're not using this, and this was my idea. But yeah, it's just you only have so much creative energy, dude. Yeah, your brain runs out. A couple of hours. I really think we only have, at most, four hours of creative energy a day where you can come up with stuff. That's a lot. Which is a lot. That's the max. The rest of it is just emails. Right.

At some point, it's business correspondence. That's the rest of your fucking day.

Yeah, for the rest of it.

It's making sure- But that's the studio thing we talked about. If we had a comedian compound, imagine where you could just create for a week or two straight without thinking about all the other bullshit and just write with other people. I bet you we put together something fucking awesome. If you just didn't have to think about the outside thing, the organization of life.

I wonder that a bunch of stand-ups together, it's hard because we're all on our own. It's different because I work with a lot of stand-ups. I write with a lot of stand-ups. But if you put Shapel, Louis, and I'm trying to think of- Bur. Bur in a room, and they were like, Okay, write a script together, guys. You think it would be good? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I do. I wonder if they would figure it out.

Dave would be pontificating in the corner smoking a lot and just adding little beautiful droplets to it. I'm sure Louis and bur would be writing it back and forth and back and forth.

Right. Yeah, it would probably be great.

Yeah, I'm sure it would be so good.

I don't know why it would be.

It would be so good. I think it's also because a lot of those guys of that generation Especially those guys are, I think, arguably are in our mental prime. Performance-wise is whenever they feel like putting out some new shit.

That's a cool thing is I'm hitting 40, you're 40. That's like our fucking- This is the cusp. This is the way 20s as a basketball player. You know what I mean? This is supposed to be when we're...

When you're humming, really.

Where you're humming, yeah, for sure.

Because when you get in the league and you first get in, it's exciting, but then you realize how little you are truly Really in the machine until you get a little older, then you're like, all right. I thought that was it. That was not it. That's not it.

That was when you're living and dying by those bits. Now you get a little more freedom.

When if you heard someone had a bit similar to yours, you would lose your fucking mind about it. And now you're like, whatever.

You're like, oh, what's their take? Right.

That's exactly. Because everyone's been done. Fitts Simmons and I had a fucking similar joke years ago. And I remember I went up to him and I was like, Fitts, because we're good buddies. And I said, I think we've got something that is near each other. And he goes, Really? I go, Yeah. And he goes, Who does it better?

And I was like- That's such a fit.

I go, Well, yours is much more... It's much more pealed out. Like, mine's pretty fresh. And he goes, I'll keep doing it then. Fucking dickhead. I was like, all right.

Well, I love Vin Simmons. He told me this one story where, I guess, he came up with a bit, and then there was a much bigger comic who I'm not going to name, who came up with a A similar bit, was doing it after Greg, and then Greg saw it, and he's like, Hey, man, really- That's my bit. That's my bit. And the guy goes, Well, I'm doing it on a special in two weeks. And Greg goes, Okay. Next day, he goes to the Laugh Factory.

He tapes that bit to put it online. What's it online?

Just to spice the fucking guy. That's smart. It's great. I mean, Greg has so many of those. Greg is like, doesn't take shit from me. I haven't seen that guy in forever. He was like the first half hour I loved where I watched, but When I was on his podcast, he showed me this video when he was on the radio show where I guess this guy was one of his bosses, was bullying the guy who was under Greg. And you see Greg just take his glasses off, go up and just pop the guy. And the guy's towering over him. Yeah, he doesn't give a shit. No, he doesn't give a fuck. He's the angriest, funiest Irish guy ever. Yeah, he's perfect.

Well, his response was exactly what I learned when I see how young comics are with stuff. I go, oh, that's the way to do it. Just to be like, Is yours good yet? I mean, I'm going to keep doing it. There is no theft there. It's just like we have a parallel thought.

There's only one time where I was like, that guy stole that bit from me because the premise and the punchline matched. And when I brought it up, he was like, oh, I guess we'll both keep doing it. And I could tell him his voice. I was like, I know the show you saw me at, LA downtown.

You know exactly where it is, dude.

I know exactly where it is. And ever since then, I fucking can't see it.

Well, that was always like a couple of older guys. They would bring around guys to punch up their shit. And then sometimes those guys would stay after and watch other comics. I would always be like, get this guy the fuck out of here. You write for that guy. Get the fuck out of here.

What are you doing here?

Well, they're looking for influence. A 100%. They're looking for a crum to come out of a comic and then take it for something else.

You're still at the thing where it's like you've done... Because your next stage is going to be famous, famous. Or kill myself. Either way. Or kill yourself. But then once you get famous, famous, the amount of bits that you can do, it gets chopped by 70%. I know, right? It goes down. Because then it turns into like, I was doing... Oh, my God. It's crazy. All those Kevin Hall closes.

You ever had to refuel your private jet in the Bahamas?

Yeah. It was like, it was crazy. I met this person at the Oscars. It was crazy. Every bit was like, it was crazy.

That is funny. It does turn into that. I feel like I don't have that in me to go buy into the drink the Kool-Aid that much because I've been surrounded by it enough. But it It doesn't really interest me in a way where I can see people getting lost in it. I can see guys getting lost in it. I like that I can see it, but I don't know if that's a life that I would even be. I don't want to go near that. If I can stay doing what I do now for the rest of my career, this feels fucking great.

This is great. Yeah, you're in the perfect place because everyone likes you down.

Well, they do. No, they hate me.

But it's also like- But you're not oversaturated yet.

Right. Which is inevitably what goes to. You got to keep them saturated. And then if you do keep them saturated, but then you do the thing where Kevin Hart does, where he just bypassed all the saturation, not care, and then keep touring, and then it is what it is. He was so oversaturated that he was like, I don't give a shit. I'll just keep playing arenas until you know.

Because I'm writing for Nikki Glazer for this Tom braided roast that's coming up.

Oh, yeah. When is that?

When is that? They're filming it this Sunday. I don't know when this episode. It'll probably be already up by the time this comes out. I was just looking at Kevin Hart quotes, and I'm like, You're talking like your Steve Jobs. Not even like your guy. It's like, I'm a bad Empire. It's shit like that.

What are you talking about, man?

What are you talking? We get it.

You're very successful. I think because some people get so successful, the only way for them to justify how crazy this is is to either become super religious or really promote the world of business.

What if you became super religious, dude? Me?

Yeah.

I might switch. You just fucking hanging out with Mel and Shia La Buff in some monastery, where Opus Day, you have the It's carved in your ankle. My ankles, yeah. Yeah, just fucking just angry it.

Did you have that as a kid? Were you religious as a kid?

Did you go to church? No, Presbyterian. We went to church. I volunteered. We did Presbyterian.

Yeah, which is like...

It's Catholic light. Yes, Catholic light. But I did a missionary trip. I went to Nicaragua to build houses, which they didn't need us at all.

We did that. We did, what was it called? Go and surf. That's what they called it. Go and surf.

Do you still go to church now or no?

No, dude, but I'm not I'm not against it at all. I'm not against it. No, I think it's actually pretty rad if you find what you need out of it. I think so, too. Yeah, I find what I need out of it in my way. Do you still believe in God? A hundred %. I don't even know what it is.

No, neither do I.

But I do think that I'm- I think we're connected to something. A hundred %. I think if you've lived a little bit of life, and you get... By the way, if you get to 40 and you don't think you're connected at all, I think you're fucking... Well, you're dim. If you think there's no connection- Either dim or you've had a rough one. Well, arguably, some people have the roughest ones. They find it to be more obvious that we're connected. The truth of it all, to me, is that you have no control. You have almost no control.

Absolutely no control.

So that's the beauty, right? If you've experienced that through sobriety, too, you do realize you're like, Oh, this is fucking way out of my hands.

Yes. And I've also experienced that on drugs. But yeah, I do wish... The last time I went to church, me and my wife went to a place in New York, and we were really excited for it. But then they started I was talking about internet porn, and I was like, Oh, this is- At church? What is that? You got to stop what? The pastor is like, You got to stop watching this internet porn. I was like, You have a problem with internet porn. Yeah, that's your thing. Now you're projecting it on all of us.

I just want to fucking hear- I don't even like it that much.

Here's your New Testament shit.

Come on, dude. Tell me a story about a Bush. I don't want to fucking hear about porno in the church. That is the new thing with church, that they're trying to attract young people, so they have to stay on the cusp of culture. When I went back to church with my parents one time, when I was probably in in my late 20s, I remember the preachers or whatever, whatever they're called, not pastors or whatever, talking about new age shit. And I was like, no, dude, be old school. I don't need you to know what the word cap means. I don't need a preacher to be like, no cap, shit's lit. I don't need the language of that to come through. Have you ever...

Do you find that Instagram account, Preachers and Sneakers? No. It's great. It's a modern... It's just a guy. Preachers and Sneakers. It's a guy taking a picture of a modern teacher, and they just list how much money the guy spent on this. These guys talking about poverty. You're spending thousands of dollars on their casual outfits.

Well, that's a new world. You have to be an entertainer and then a part of an enterprise. I was talking about that earlier about guys that are like, if you don't have your wealth spread around to a million different places, you're a fucking loser. It's like they're trying to make people who just want to live feel bad about just living.

Yeah. Could you ever see... Was there one religion, like a Scientology thing that you could see yourself falling for? Probably not right now.

No, not really. I mean, only because I had Catholic when I was a kid, and that one was so dark. It was so dark. It was dark. Yeah, like my mom... When my grandmother- Very medieval. When my mom got divorced from my dad, who was going to prison, my grandmother was mad about it. I didn't know that. Yeah. My grandmother was shunning her for it. You don't get divorced. She's like, he's a fucking drug addict in prison. I'm going to get divorced. But the church had inundated my family so much that my grandmother was mad about it. I mean, obviously, she regrett ed that years later. It was like my mom was meant to feel bad about trying to save her own life.

Because her mom got traumatized. A hundred %.

And there was trauma, and trauma, and then trauma just gets laced down until one generation goes, All right, can we fucking chill out with all this chaos?

Well, they're in trouble. Yeah. I mean, the Catholic Church is like, you think studios are in trouble with sitcom? Catholic The Catholic Church is really in trouble. They need a new multi-cam hit on their head. They need to Chuck Lauri real quick, the Catholic Church.

The Big Bang Theory. Chuck Lauri needs to do that for the church. Presented by the Catholic Church.

I heard the craziest... Somebody told me to work with Chuck Lauri. He heard the story about it.

I never met the guy.

I haven't either. I don't know if you want to work with him, so I don't know if I told him. No, tell the story. But this is the darkest story. Apparently, he was on set at Mike and Molly, and he was watching-Internet porn? No, it was a cadaver. It was because one of the characters was like a mortician. I think the girl that was on East Bonn and Down or whatever. And he goes, That corpse looks just like my mother. If me and my sister still talked, I would take a picture, send it to her, and it would make her day. Oh my God, that's so dark. One of the biggest comedy creators is just a haunted house. Inside, you're like, Oh, man, don't open that Don't open that room.

That's so wild to think. It is weird. I talk to someone else about that, about people they don't talk to in their family anymore. A good friend of mine, him and his sister don't speak. And I'm like, how long does that game go on? You and my sister are not talking right now. You don't talk at all?

We're not talking right now. We're in a bad spot. Really? But is there light in the tunnel?

Will this be resolved? Maybe. Or does this feel like a fuck you forever thing?

Maybe. I don't know. It's in the middle. I hope it's not. Here's the thing is I'm not going to get into it because she doesn't have a platform to defend herself. Defend herself. So that's not fair. But who knows, man? I mean, it happens when you get older, you start having schisms and shit. Do you have that within your family?

For me, it's a personal issue. My lack of patience is awfully tough. So sometimes my parents don't... They're such good people, and they just don't understand this thing sometimes. So when I try to explain some of the shortcomings of this or the troubles that I'm having, it almost sounds like, well, your problems aren't real. It's like, you're You didn't go to prison. You live in fantasy town. You know what I mean? Yeah. So that always creates a little bit of annoyance on my behalf. But it's also because I don't have the patience to... I'm never going to be able to teach you how to ski. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I have zero fucking patience. My whole life, I've always been like- So you just don't...

Was there anything that you've done that your parents are like, oh, shit?

Well, that was pretty wild. No, they've been proud, but it's also like this doesn't mean anything to them. They're happy that I'm happy. They just want me to be happy. But this thing is very My family's fucking all from Chicago. This world is weird. It makes no sense. My dad was in this, but yeah, for the most part, it's like- But your family has a connection to it.

No, I couldn't imagine. I think it's so ballsy to do what you and other guys have done where it wasn't in your family and you're like, I'm just going to try this shit.

Yeah, it was very stupid, if I'm being honest. It's probably the dumbest thing I've done, but it paid off. It did all right. Yeah, it did okay. But it also feels- Trust me, I can give you a list of people people who was stupid, but you're not one of them. But the hard thing is, I guess, yeah, explaining this to people who think it's bullshit. It's bullshit. Like my grandmother said before she passed away, this was one of my favorite things. I had done television. I'd been on. And my grandmother said to my mom one time, how is Andrew doing in California? And she's like, great. And she goes, when do you think he's going to be able to get a job? And she's like, do you mean like another TV thing? And she's like, no, but at some point he'll have to get a real job. You know what I mean? At this point, I was making money doing TV.

Yeah. My mom, my dad is very supportive, but my mom did not fucking- She was like, don't do that shit. She was like, don't do that shit. She was not impressed by anything. I would be like, I remember big things would happen. I worked for the White House Corpons and Michelle Wolf. We basically burned DC down. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it was really fun. My wife, Jesus, it was a horrible 40s look. But my mom was just like, Yeah. Why was she... I don't know. Why was she so mean? I didn't realize the gravity of the... I'm like, This is like the White House. Everyone's going to remember this forever. Forever. This is the biggest White House. That's the purpose of it. But she's like, why was she mean? And you're just like... But that was my mom also was very insecure, so she would...

But those things, that's the same comment when someone goes, you know who I like? And you're like, I don't fucking want to hear it.

Right. When I was in rehab, I got out of rehab in December, second time. I showed my special to them because they were asking. They found that I was a comic, and they were like, Oh, you did this? You did Konan? Or not Konan, like Comedy Central, whatever was big for them. And then they wanted to see the special. Did okay for them. It got last, but then right afterwards somebody's like, dude, have you seen Matt Rife? They were all Matt Rife fans.

You last another two weeks in rehab. You're like, I need to stick around.

I went on relapse, came back. What was my trigger? Hearing you guys talk about how more successful Matt It is funny to think a guy would say that because I know his audience is mostly women. Dude, he's not just mostly. I guess he's making money on top of money. Oh, yeah. He's selling out arenas. When I was there, the young kids, it was in rehab. It was him, Schultz, and then Shane, who was terrific.

Shane, Shane. Yeah, he's the best.

Shane's the best.

What was your drug of choice, by the way?

Booze to coke, but I was also addicted to pills. Those are the worst. Those are the three.

Pills will fuck you up the most.

Benzos or My friend who kicked heroine and said kicking Xanax was way worse than kicking. When I kicked Xanax, I went to a detox, and it was the most physical pain I've ever gone through like that next week. Really? I thought it was right when COVID was starting. We just heard inklings of COVID. And I thought that I was getting COVID and dying because my chest felt like it was caving in. But that was just... And that's the only one that and alcohol are the only ones you can die from. You can kick heroin, you're not going to die. But benzos, booze, you could die.

You Just from the withdrawal? Yes.

You have to taper off. You have to taper off.

It's fucking crazy. Xanax, how many were you taking?

I was taking six a day.

That's a fucking lot.

Yeah, it was a lot. But I know some people were taken twice that.

Well, it's never a competition. That is always funny. But when you hear an addict, someone that's like... I think I heard a Dax Sheppard thing where he's like, I drank six bottles of this and that. There is some big fish theory that happens with addicts where you're like, you can't believe how many pills I had. I don't, if I'm being honest, because sometimes these stories are fucking absurd. Yeah, for sure. But like, 48 Zane bars a day.

And you're like, you- Yeah, and also Dax Sheppard. Come on. When Kurt Angle tells me he was having like 40 pills for his broken neck, I'm like, all right, I believe that. Right.

Those things line up. Yeah, those guys. Well, dude, everyone that wrestled in the '90s. Oh, my God, dude. Everyone that wrestled in the '90s. The fact that anybody lived through that is fucking absurd. They were all addicted to everything they could. It wasn't like a pick and choose. It was like, you had to take everything. That's the only reason you could keep functioning.

Yeah. I mean, multiple times, wrestlers would be like, what is it? He goes, let's see. We'll find out.

We'll find out. Fuck, that's so dark. I found a pill. We'll check it out. See you. That shit always scares me. I knew guys in college that I used to party with would take anything.

Do you ever have a thing or you've been okay? Boos.

Boos has always been my romantic.

But you've never had a... You've probably had moments where you're like, I think this is too much right now.

Boos, yeah. Drugs, no. I smoked weed for like 20 years of my life, and I still like to smoke a joint once in a while. But I I was a fucking pothead for so long. And then I think when I got here to LA, A, I couldn't afford it anymore, and B, I was too focused on trying to get up. That I was like, if I keep smoking pot, man, I'm never going to go get up.

Dude, yeah, but weeds in the city because I was addicted to that for a couple of years. I mean, addicted is a hard term because you physically can't get addicted. But I was smoking weed constantly. I was smoking multiple joints a day and then having a hundred milligram medable to get a You know what I mean? It gets to the point where it's not like you're under the covers being like, I'm scared. I'm like, this is fun. You're 36. I hate that.

I hate that feeling of like, I'm so high. My brain is giving up or It's like, I don't want to do this anymore. You go in the corner.

Yeah. You can't finish a documentary. It's too much for you.

It's too heavy. Too much story.

There's so much story going on. I was watching a Bravo show with my wife high, and I was like, I can't. It's like Vanderpump Rules. I'm like, This is too much for me. I went and I passed out.

Why is she mad at her? Why is she mad at her? Well, listen, dude, I appreciate you coming on the show.

Thanks for having me on, man.

So everyone go watch this special. It's available right now on YouTube.

Yes, Dance, Faddy Dance. It's on YouTube. It's free. If you like wrestling, I have a wrestling podcast, Working Stiff, so check that out.

Go check those out. The links will be in the description down below. We end the show the same way. Look at that camera right there. You do one word or one phrase to end the episode, and it will be cemented in history. One word or one phrase whenever you're ready.

We're always glad you came.

That's so good. Let me kill this. That's so good.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger of whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey whiskey.