In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You want me five dollars for the whiskey, and 75 dollars for the horse. Ginger's all hell no.

This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like gingers. Say hi to Joe. Say hi to Joe in that camera. Joe is our editor that's not here with us. He's Oh, he passed. He's dying of cancer. Well, he's dying of cancer.

Oh, like the king.

Yeah. King of England. Yeah, he is like the king of England, except without the wealth or the notoriety.

What do the king of England and that guy, Joe, have in common? Give up. They're both dying of cancer.

We'll be right back after these words from Luzon Luzanda, The New Medication for Cancer. Are you dying of cancer? We've got medicine that'll give you more cancer. Luzanda. David?

Oh, I thought it was Luzon Luzanda.

Luzon Luzanda. Okay. Yeah. Just to Mark Luzanne and- I don't understand.

Why would the medication give you more cancer?

I know. Well, because we're developing another medicine to take care of that. Oh, smart. Yeah, we just want to layer medicines as long as we can to try to fix one thing and make another problem.

Is it fair to call the first one, Medicine?

Yeah, it fixes something.

What does it fix? Your bank account?

Yeah, we're going to be billionaires once Luzanda really takes off. And you can be in on it if you'd like. This is actually an investment meeting. Oh, no. That's my financial advisor.

Sorry, that sounds very unethical, and I try to not do unethical things.

Okay. When the cameras are off, we'll talk again.

Well, if you're saying when the cameras are off in air quotes, that means cameras wouldn't be off. That's right. So we'll talk about it now.

Our newest sponsor, David Cross, is here. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that from my guess, but I mean it once again today. It's David Cross. There you go. Thank you for coming.

Thanks for having me.

I appreciate you being on the show. I love you from afar. You don't know me. I don't know you well. I know- Have we met or no? I think we met one time through Judith Apatau. Okay. Judd's other- His mistress. His mistress. We shouldn't talk about that. I think, yeah, one time and one time only at- It was billed that. One time and one time only. Yeah. One time and one time only. Yeah. At Largo was, I think, the only time. Outside of that, no, never. Just two planes flying along in the comedy sky.

And then our paths happened to cross.

Well, yeah. You know that when you're on a plane and you see another plane go below you? And you think, I wonder what they say to each other when they...

The pilots? Yeah, what do they say? Look out below, and then they empty the bathroom thing.

You know, there was a comic that had that joke. I don't remember who it was that said... Maybe it was Bargazzi. It was like, I'm up until I really did think the noise, the violent noise of a was because it was just emptying it over wherever the fuck we were going. And there's a piece of you that always goes, I thought that for a long time. I had no idea.

I would want them to do that.

Yeah, get rid of it. Yeah. Why are we carrying all this waste?

That's why they call it flyover states.

That's right. Because we're flying right over and it's- And dumping our shit and piss. Well, you think about it, most of it's farmland, and it's all... Shit and piss does help stuff grow.

I think the shit does. I'm not sure about the piss part.

Now, I've been pissing on my lawn for a year and a half.

And?

It's all dead, but they do say it's cycles.

Okay. Well, now with the rains, that should help.

We'll see, man. But yellow is a good color. I don't know why everybody's lawn needs to be green.

It doesn't. I think you're on something. Thank you. That's the old patriarchy.

That's an old white guy thing. Yeah, an old white guy thing. Get your green lawn. Yeah, you got to mow it. That's funny because my dog loves to piss in the exact same spot, of course, every day, or just a two square foot area. That's what dogs do. And the grass is all dead. And the guy that was coming to do the lawn was like, do you want us to fix it? I'm like, why? What would be the point? He was like, well, we could make grass not there and just put pebble. I was like, no, no, no. Just let her keep killing it. Who gives a shit? Yeah. What's the point? I'm with you. Yeah. You don't need any of this. Are you a dog guy? Do you have animals?

Yeah. Well, I had a dog for a little over 15 years. Had to put her down. I'm sorry. But I got a good 10-minute bit out of it. That's good. And then just a week and two days ago, got a puppy for my daughter. It was an early birthday present. And I'm a dog guy, and I wanted to get a dog again. My wife is a... She's not anti dog, but she's more cat. She's more cat person. But she's also allergic to dogs, as we found out, or certain dogs and dander and stuff. And so we had to get a hypoallergenic dog. Am I saying that right? Hypoallergenic. It doesn't. And so we had to go. We had no choice, basically. But I was very much like, we got to figure this out because I don't want to get a dog that's been bred, and I want to go rescue a dog. It's the greatest. I did that with my last dog, Ollie. I rescued her, and they were going to kill her, and she was a puppy. And you just have a bond that I don't think the dog senses, but you sense it.

And it allows you to be petulent when they're not doing something. You'd be like, I fucking saved your fucking life. And And so we got a Bernadoodle, which is supposedly the best of a hypoallergenic breed. And it's definitely more Bernese mountain dog than poodle. So it's big. Well, it's a puppy right now. We got it when it was seven weeks old.

But I mean, it's going to be a big, big dog.

It's going to be big.

Because poodle are fucking huge.

Well, there's all kinds of pootles.

Right, unless it's a mini or a toy. But the O. G.

Poodle is a big dog. We don't know. I mean, you I don't really know, but it's going to be anywhere from on the low end, 45 pounds, and I think it's going to be bigger than that, to 85. And I think it's going to get closer to 65. Just judging me. And a huge pause.

Yeah, the big pause thing is my favorite when they're stumbling over them.

She's fucking awesome. That's the wrong word, not awesome. She's cute. I do not remember, and I'm crying. I was crying everything. How did I train Ollie? That was my first dog. How did I train? I can't remember because this dog shit and pisses everywhere that has no interest in the pea pads, isn't getting it. Slowly, it's getting it. But also we got it from a rural farm and just three feet of snow and upstate, about an hour outside of Buffalo. So when it came, when we got it and came to the city, it had never seen concrete, cars, sirens. The noise alone has got to be crazy. The smells, everything. Other different people, dogs. The first weekend was a nightmare. It was really, she was just terrified and freaked out. Now So slowly but surely. And my daughter is fucking in love with it.

That's great, man. That first chunk of time with the dog, when it is the hardest, is also the most fun. We got our little mutt slut from a friend of a friend who was getting furniture made in downtown LA. And this guy was like, this dog came in and had puppies and then took off. Oh, wow. Which we researched. It says usually they know they're going to die if they leave the puppies that early because they were only like three or four weeks old when the mom left. And he was like, this guy was like, I'm not keeping all these fucking dogs. So I'm either going to turn them into the city or something. So our friend was like, I'll take as many as I can because she has a house filled with animals. And we saw our dog. And then I was like, when the dog comes over, let's talk about it. You know what I mean? And then.

And they'll still tug at your heartstrings.

Within five seconds, you're like, we're keeping the dog. And she shit all over the house. And the first week we had her, she kept shitting. And then behind the television, we have a little TV stand, and it was a long... I mean, it looked like two feet. And I was like, holy fuck, dude, this dog. It was incredible. And then I saw it.

Wait, you mean a compilation of all the shits or one long shit.

No, it looked like one long shit. It was unbelievable. What a dog. It was unbelievable. But she's tiny. I mean, she's like a Maltese, Cocker, Spaniel, Poodle, Terrier. She's like 50 things. And I saw that's my dog. Yeah, that's her right there. That's Cubs. Oh, gosh.

How old?

She's five.

In that photo?

Yeah, she's five there.

But when you got her, how old was she?

We got her four to six weeks. They're not really 100% sure. It was way too young. But when she shit behind the TV, we saw a wire. And then my heart stopped thinking in my old office, my computer wires are fucking all over the place. And I was like, holy shit, dude, she chewed her a wire. Like, that's not good. We got to take her to the vet. So I grab all this shit up. And as I'm grabbing it, the wire is not the consistency of a wire. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? And of course, I call the vet and they're like, oh, dude, that's worms. Your dog has worms. That's not a computer wire. That's why she had all this shit built up in her and had to have shit all. So she had worms when we first got her. And then it was like, within the first month was like 10 trips to the vet to figure out. But now she's fully functioning.

You did a good thing. And you got to know that your family knows that.

Yeah, it's going to happen.

But you know like, oh, we did a It was a good thing.

Yeah, it was rad.

We've saved this dog.

I know. We want another one. But also I'm in that mindset of like, how do we do the puppy thing again? Should we just get like a five, six year one?

I honestly do not fucking remember. I was trying. I got to call my ex-girlfriend who we got the dog together. I'm like, Do you remember what we did for that first month? Because I don't.

We had one trick. I remember we got slaybells.

I put them on the door.

Door, yeah. And did the treat and hit it with the nose to go outside. I think that was the quickest learning curve where I was like, Look at this. No more piss and shit in the house.

Once they get it, it's the best thing. For the rest of the time, you look back and, Remember when we first got her and she was shitting all over the place? Yeah.

Especially if you're working a lot. It's funny to be busy and you're like, I'll get to that shit as soon as I clean up all this other bullshit. It's like, sectioned off.

We have a little backyard area of a Brownstone in Brooklyn. And so extremely lucky, which I didn't have with the other dog, where I don't have to get up and put on a full outfit at 4:30 in the morning, which he has to go out. I just scoop her up and head down the stairs, open the door, plop her down. Oh, that's good. And then wait 10 minutes and go back and go back to bed. So I'm very lucky that way.

But I'm curious enough moving away from it, because otherwise I'll spend an hour talking about dogs. Part of the reason that when the PR team reached out about you putting out a new special and talking about it on the show.

Pr stands for public relations.

Is that seriously what it is?

Yeah. You thought it was Puerto Rico? Yeah.

Because it was like, Dabai Cross wants to come on the show to promote. And I was like, okay.

Oh, so it was like an old West Side Story audition? Mm-hmm. Okay, got it.

But a part of me was like, I'm curious to know. Can we hear your Puerto Rican accent? Yeah, Puerto Rican. Yeah. They be going to come on the show, Baby Puppy. Is that pretty good?

That's more Dominican, but okay.

Oh, come on, dude. You're splitting dark, thick, coarse hair here. That's racist. That is. But when I heard that you were putting it on-I have to remember that reaction. Yeah. Yes, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, very much so.

You're pleased with yourself.

Did you decide to put out... This is like a take no offense. Did you decide to put it out on 800 pound guerrilla, your new special, and all your other ones? Do you want to move everything to one platform? Is that the goal? From a stand-up perspective, I'm curious.

I just realized I'm still wearing this hat.

Please put it back, if you don't mind.

Is it too shiny? Yeah. Is it burning your retina.

Can we adjust the light? Coming from me.

Eventually, yes. As I would think anybody would want all their stuff accessible in one easy to access place. I've had shit all over the place. My Netflix special is... I've talked to other comics about this. Do you have something on Netflix?

Yeah, I have one on Netflix, just one.

So did you find you are a slave to the algorithm? People... Yeah. Even bigger actor guys who've had projects on there, if you bitch about it. But it's a real thing. If there are people who have no idea that I have a special on Netflix, because unless you're searching for this certain comic, I guess, it just doesn't come up on the feed of the stuff you happen to like. And that sucks. I wish I had more control over going like, Hey, here's... I mean, I had something on epics, I had something on comedy dynamics. I had the one before this one, I just put it on my site.

The one that was before this one is on 800 pound again, right?

I think I might have just given it to them. To throw it up there. Why not?

Yeah, I thought so.

Yeah, that one I just did myself, paid for it. You did it in New York because I had to cancel the tour because of COVID. It would have gone out. And I think a hundred pound gorilla, I'm fairly new to working with them, but every aspect of working with them has been great.

They're really- They did my last one, too. They're rad.

Yeah, they're really good people. They're smart. Their production company is good. They're not gouging you.

They want to make a good product at a fair deal, which I think is the biggest beef that most comics have when we're like, especially when you're earlier on, I signed that death contract with Comedy Central. Know that was like, you get 30 bucks and if somebody buys it, you get another three dollar and you're like, holy shit. And they strung us along when I was 28. And so I just didn't know any better.

And that's what they do. They take advantage of people who are seriously, who Yeah, they did. Not just them, but everybody. And who want their stuff out there. And it's like you're saying, okay, I won't take as much money, I can get eyeballs on it, and then that'll pay off in the future. And sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

My only job is to try to make comedic things, whether it's TV, sketch, podcast. My job is to try to formulate I can't articulate that.

So then to also go- Also, and to push manscaped products.

God bless. Yeah. Manscaped. No. No, but I think it's like that's my gig is to know that world. I don't know. I think the hard thing is, even if I did have the foresight to know what those contracts were saying, I wouldn't know what to ask for anyway. Even if I was like, this seems weird. I'd be like, well, what the fuck do I know that I'm not as valuable as someone else? The best part about those companies and their relationship with comedians is most of us are so insecure or so self-doubting that if they're like, well, you think you're going to sell as good as that guy? And you're like, I probably not.

You convinced me in five seconds.

They put it in the contract that they're like, there's no way you're going to do that good. You're like, you're right. Yeah, I'll probably shit That's the problem.

Well, this is all to say 800 pound gorilla has been great. They're fucking awesome. They work with ethical and their team is good. They're all in-house. So when I shot it, I was like, chances are I'm going to have to go to Nashville for a couple of days where they're based out of and sit with the editor and never an issue. Like, we just notes were, he was way ahead of anticipating what I'd want and really good. And it was a treat. They were great. Did you...

Matt Schuler? Did you work with Matt?

I did. Yeah. It was great.

The reason I... Not to stay so deep in it, but the reason I got so into those guys was because I went to New York to watch Ari shoot Jew, his special. And I mean, it's out, which is great. But I remember watching it live and being like, the candle, like just the stage, the stage set up was so beautiful and cool. And I was like, who's idea with it? And he was like, it really was mine. And they were like, yeah, we'll do it. And he immediately thought they were going to be like, no, I'm not going to light 700 candles for your stupids, but we're doing two shows. But he's like, they were so cool about wanting to make it my way within reason. And I was like, that doesn't exist. Because so many companies that I first had gone to were like, listen, man, just do a fucking curtain. And I get it, too. For cost, I understand you have to sacrifice one thing for another. But anyway, it's nice to know that there are newer companies that are just like, what do you want? How do you want to fucking do this whole thing?

And we'll just do it the way you want.

They're also comedy fans. Yeah, they are. Which helps.

Yeah, that's the big thing we should have focused on in the first place.

They're not like money fans. I got into this business for money. I'm a big fan of money.

Comedy money? Yeah. Big comedy money guy. Outside of touring and special, Are you working on a show of your own?

No.

Will you please for me?

Well, Bob and I wrote, developed, and pitched show, really cool, fun idea, a limited series, eight episodes, and pitched it around and had a little bidding for it from four different companies. And then we went with Paramount Plus, and we wrote up the first four episodes, and then a really specific, extensive Bible for the last four, all of which we had pitched. Here's a story here are the characters, and here's how it'll work. And then just actually wrote it. And then they said no, which was weird because it was what we pitched. There was nothing.

I love when they say yes and no.

Well, they... Okay. So a ugly reminder that the real power is it, because I'll tell you what they said. Look, we could go back and forth and we give you notes, but we don't think this is the amount of notes we could give you would even get it to the point, I'm paraphrasing, get it to the point because, and then this is a quote, marketing and analytics. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was about the marketing and analytics department not getting it, not wanting it. And that made them say, no, thanks.

Like, what? If our marketing team isn't interested, we're not interested.

Dude, they have all the fucking power. I learned that early on when we were doing Run, Ronny, Run. It was crazy. It was It's quite a bit of a shock that they... If the marketing department doesn't have the imagination to take a pre-existing idea and figure out how to make that idea when it's reached its fruition, how to sell it, then they can say no.

They need to hire these guys, like these Internet guys. What's that guy's name? Grant. You know these new guys like Grant Gizny Cardone or something.

He does like- Dude, I don't know anything like this world.

Well, it's one of these... It's been... Sorry about that. That's my dad. He'll just run the hose once in a while. It's one of these internet guys that's telling you, Yeah, this guy. He's like- Who is it?

Wait, go back.

Look at a photo of this fucking guy. He's one of these guys that's like, if you don't know how to sell... You know what I mean? He's like a sales... It's like, why don't they just hire these lunatics? Because these motherfuckers, they can sell anything. They're the guys that they do these- He's selling you on the fact that he wants to sell himself.

Yes.

He's selling you on the fact that you should learn how to sell you. He's like, If you have $1,000 in your pocket, you should know how to make $10,000 out of it. Right.

One of these guys.

Yeah, dude. But it's the confidence in these motherfuckers. It's like, Put them in a marketing department for a TV network then. Just let this guy do it.

That's a legit good idea.

Yeah, because these guys are so fucking overtly confident that you're like, Throw him there. Why wouldn't... Let this lunatic do it because he- But make it a part of your contract that's hidden in there so that when you go into the marketing meeting- Grant Cardone must sell our show. Because they're so confident in the fact that it's like, if you're making... There was one clip that was on there. I don't know if you'll be able to find it, but he goes, If you're making less than a million dollars a year, how are you providing for your family?

Yeah, that is tough. Yeah, less than a million.

He's like, legitimately... And the person he's talking to is like, I don't know. I don't know how they... I don't know.

I make $902,000, and it's all I can do to get government milk on the... Oh, yeah, powder milk. In here, we pour whiskey.

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I like ginger. It's just wild to think that that's the new standard of the Internet push of marketing has become, you have to be selling every inch of every second of your life, otherwise you're worthless.

And obviously not everyone is buying them.

You're leaving money on the table, too.

Yeah, you're leaving so much money. Well, the reason I asked that about the show is only because Mocona and I were talking before the show about Mr.

Show.

Macone and O'Brien? Macone and O'Brien right there. Yeah, he wishes.

Macone and O'Brien?

Yeah. No, his last name is Corkery, this guy.

And his brothers are- What's Macone?

So Macone is my grandma's maiden name, so it's traditionally a last name, but it's my first. Macone. Macone Corkery. I like it. And it's Flanigan and Chamus are his brothers. And his dad's name is Mark. What's your dad's name again? Kean. Kean. Yeah, yeah.

Are you psyched about Sinn Féin? Taking over?

You're asking an informed He's not an Irish person.

Oh my God.

Dude, this guy said to me the other day, he literally- Is that an Irish person? Yes. This is what I'm dealing with. 24. He said to me the other day, he watched me put a hash brown.

Wait, I'm sorry to interrupt. Please Google Sinn Féin when we're out of here. No, no, no.

No, no, do it now. No, do it now so we can learn something. By the way, in the meantime, I put a hash brown inside of an egg McMuffin yesterday at the airport when we were flying back from Reno. And he goes, whoa, whoa, but like a legitimate whoa. But like a I'm laughing because I'm thinking, Shut the fuck up. And he goes, I've never seen that or even thought about that.

Dude, life hack 109. I can consider myself more of a Minnesotian than an Irish person. Sure. Okay, there are two. You can be Irish- Yeah, you're allowed to be both. Yeah, you're allowed to be both.

Honestly, this is what I deal with every day of my life. You have no idea. And I'm in love with him. He's my son. I love him to death, but it's really hard. I've adopted him.

Is Sinn Féin an Irish person?

Is that an Irish person?

And then Google the Troubles. Please Google the Troubles after that. Once you've read, once you've studied up on Sinn Féin.

Yeah, Mâcone almost joined the IRA, by the way.

I don't know if you know that. But inadvertently. He had no idea. Wait, so put this through the slot in the pub and then run like hell? All right.

It's really hot. How long do I hold on to this for? You can do some research. You can do some deep diving research and start to read. He hasn't read.

He shouldn't feign an Irish person.

Is he an Irish person?

I don't know what the pronouns are, but No, the reason I asked to go back is because we...

Look, I've been a fan from afar for a long time, and I think I just would love to see you do more of what you do best. And so It'd be, I don't know. That's why I was interested to know if you guys were making another show. I know that's tough because the way that the fucking machine is now.

Yeah, it's totally different, as we learned recently. But you know what? I would love to do another Todd Margaret, but just the idea hasn't come to me. But Bob and I, this is not a sure thing, but I think it's pretty likely we're going to climb Machu Picchu and shoot Whoa. Yeah.

That's fucking amazing.

Yeah.

When did you settle on this? Was this in the middle of writing something else? You're like, We should fucking-No.

To be honest, I was in the middle of the ocean. And last summer, and I was just content and enjoying everything. It occurred to me, I always wanted to do more things like that bring me pleasure. And a part of it is getting a sense of my mortality in a way that I hadn't before. And my body is breaking down in little bits and pieces. And I was like, I've been I want to... I've been saying I'm going to climb Machu Picchu for 20 plus years. And it was right there. I was like, fuck it. I'm doing it this year. I don't care. I'm going to do it. And then I thought, well, I should do it. This is all took three seconds in my head. I should do it with somebody, like a friend who likes to hike. Who wants to go hiking? Oh, Mark Rivers likes to go hike. Oh, Bob. Bob's a big hiker. He loves hiking. And then immediately thought, oh, I guess we should film it. And then so I called Bob, got home back to New York and told him about it. And he's like, yeah, it's a great idea.

That's incredible. And yeah, it happened very quickly. And then we, his wife is his manager and producer. And we were like, let's figure this out. And we went to a couple of different companies and picked one.

And now we're getting it together. Are you guys going to document the pre-journey and all that stuff? Or is it only-Yeah, I think what it'll end up being, and of course, this is subject to change, especially based on whoever buys it, if they do buy it.

It'll probably be three EPs. The first third of the first one is probably getting our individual families, Bob in LA, me in New York, and packing and doing a little training and saying goodbye to the wife and the kids and going to the airport and flying and then meeting up in Lima and then going to, I can't remember the name of the town you go to. It's like three hours away. And then probably start the actual hike at the beginning of the end of the first half.

How long does it take, by the way?

I think it's 27 miles. There's a big one of the days. It's a three or four days. You have to acclimate for 2-3 days, at least. And then it's broken up into three days. The second one is, I mean, the second one is like this. The incline is insane when you look at it.

Does this scare you at all?

No. Not at all? No, not at all. Although, I will... It has just in the last week or so, occurred to me. I'm looking at this like I'm a 40-year-old in great shape, and I understand that. It's starting to dawn on me. I always take the stairs, and I've just been recently Getting, trying to be self-conscious of what my body's doing. I was walking up Maltman, which is a pretty steep thing. And I'm, I mean, three blocks in, I'm like,. And I'm like, Oh, well, let's multiply this by 7,000 of these. And I really got to get in shape. And I'm probably in the worst shape I've ever been in my life. Really? Yeah, yeah.

This is pretty good for bad. You don't look heavy or anything at all.

No, I'm definitely like eight pounds overweight.

But the inside is a little tough. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

My spirit is dead. But I've also got... I had to go get orthotics because I have two broken... I have broken bones I never took care of. So that was fused and then you get arthritis. And I just had elbow surgery.

What was that for?

I had... Good God. Look at that, That was for golfer's elbow. I can't remember the official...

Yeah, like tennis elbow or whatever.

It's the inside. Tennis elbow is on the outside. This is for golfers?

Yeah.

That's funny.

I have it.

Do you really? Yeah. Did you tear your tendon?

No, but it just hurts a lot.

Is it a burning sensation? Yeah. Yeah, you got to take care of that, man.

Really?

Oh, dude. Yes.

Did you get it from golfing?

No, I don't golf. I've never golfed.

Yeah. So how did you get it?

Jerking off to golf. I jerk off to golf.

When the tour is on, how can you stop?

It's called a joff.

When you joff. When you joff, you jerk off. When you jerk off to golf. Golfer's elbow caused by overusing- Medial epicondylitis. Yeah. Oh, come on. Medial epicondylitis.

Or pitcher's elbow.

That's what it is. You've been throwing a lot again.

Yeah. Well, you've seen the Home run Derby. Haven't I? Yeah. Well, that's me. Every time? Every time. Lobbing to the thing. I'll put a different makeup on. Hair and makeup comes in. Oh, right. Hair and makeup, right. Flies in. It does that esthetic. Yeah.

My body's broken, too. I feel your pain.

But I've ripped the tendon because I had it, and I know what it's from. It's from... We were in Toronto during COVID, so we were podding. You were allowed to pod with one family, and my wife was there working on a show, and there were four kids, my daughter and then three other kids. And I would play with the kids, and I did roughhousing and stuff. My daughter, who's a little sleighter than everybody, I would throw her up, and I'd toss them on the bed and all that stuff. And then two of the kids are stout thick kids. And they would be like, meh, meh, meh, do me. I'm like, okay. And I did. I didn't want to be just my daughter. That's all I can afford. And so I'd play with them and I'd throw them up and doing all that stuff. And I know that that's where I damaged it. And then I went to get a cortisone shot. Have you had to do that?

Not yet. No.

Dude, it is... This is why I'm saying take care of it, because that is one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. It's a long... So they have to... It's like a 30-second thing. And I was crying. I was tearing up and the guy held my hand this way, linked up, which is like, he knew to do that. He just took my hand. He goes, okay. And he put some freezer burn stuff on there with the... They numbed it. They numbed it with the freezer burn. I still have a burn mark from it because it was like, this is not working. And they take this long needle. Oh, don't show me this.

Don't show it. We don't want to relive it.

This is insane.

Why are you doing this? Why are you just playing it on video? You fucking lunatic.

So they take this long needle because it's filled with the cortisone, right? And it's like a steroid. And he have to put it in, but it doesn't go in one place. He's moving it around. It's like a 30-second process. And I'm like, oh, my fucking God, that's painful.

Because you can feel everything. You can feel everything.

And And then it felt much better. And then it worked. I was like, great. Okay. Because he took X-rays. He's like, all right, you don't need... You didn't tear it or anything. And then, because I'm stupid this way, I really am dumb. We were upstate. I have a house upstate along the Delaware River, and me and a whole bunch of friends with kids went tubing. So we had this big raft, and they're those big rubber dingy type things. And we go over to this little section where I know the undercurrent isn't so bad, rip current, whatever. And so the kids are out playing, and then it comes time, and I put the kids back in. I'm in the water with them, and everybody else is on the thing drinking. I lift the kids up there, no problem. And then I go to hoist myself up. And you know how that, especially when you're wet, you don't move with it. Like your skin moves your whole body. I went to hoist myself up with my forearms and just, it just ripped it. And then it got worse and worse and worse and worse.

Now, finally, you're fixed.

Finally, I'm fixed, yeah. For now.

Until Machu Picchu.

Until Machu Picchu. And then, God I'm just worried about my feet. But these orthotic things are instantly. That pain went away.

Because of the fusion that you had in your foot?

Yeah, that's where the joint pain came in. But these things, and it's the simplest thing, you go step on a little foam thing and they make some measurements.

And they're like, You're good to go.

We'll ship it to you. Yeah, they send away for it. Then, I don't know, 10 days later, you get these things, you put them in your shoe, you're like, Holy shit, this is all I had to do?

I know. It's funny because I used to run a ton, and that was I always just bought shoes off the rack and ran them. I never thought about. And then one time at a running store, the guy was like, Have you ever been molded and had your own inserts? And I was like, No, I don't fucking need them. And he's like, Okay, do you want to see? Okay, sure. Whatever. I put my feet on it. They measure and they put you on the treadmill, then they put you back on there, and they show the graph of them. And he's like, Well, this is really bad. This arch is so much worse than this arch. He's like, You should just try these. These inserts. And I was like, okay. And I tried them and I was like, Oh, my God. Yeah, huge difference. I've ruined my whole body for the 15 years I ran.

Yeah. You don't realize you're overcompensating. You don't really feel it.

How would you know?

And also- And you keep fucking up the other foot.

You're too dumb to know. This morning, I was at the doctor because of this hip thing. This is an old man podcast now. I was at a hip impingement.

What does that mean, impingement?

Hitting the nerve? Well, the bone grows out. It creates a growth. Typically happens when you're young. We don't need...

Stop it. Just put on... Stop it. Go back and read about...

You know what? So he's interested in all this. That's why he doesn't know much. And so we're trying to get him. Every day, you learn more and more. But learn on your own time. Okay? No, it's from being physically active, which is funny. The doctor was like, Couch potatoes don't get this. He's like, that's the irony of like, oh, you're active when you're young, the bone can create some overgrowth on the outside. So instead of being concave, it really patrued. And it's just now I have fucking, what do you call it? Hip arthritis. Yeah, it's great, man. I'm excited. I'm excited to get older. It's getting worse and worse. How do you feel right now? I'm okay. I'm fine.

You're 40 and this shit is happening? Yeah. Yikes.

I know. Thanks, dude.

Oh, dude. Wait till you're 60.

How old are you?

Well, I'm not 60.

Yeah. So what are you talking about? You don't know. Wait till you're 60.

I'm waiting.

Yeah. I can't wait. It's waiting till it happens. I can't wait. I can't wait till the pain. Yeah, I think that's why I asked about the fear of the Machu Picchu thing, because I think I climbed the Grand Canyon. I did that thing, you know.

Well, that seems as extensive as, I mean, maybe it's got to be close. I guess you're not as far above sea level, though.

Well, when you go down, yeah, you have to stop. They ask you to stop. They recommend you stop because they're like, Let your body acclimate. Because we had a few people, but I remember I was probably 20 years old and I was thinking, Dude, I could fucking I'm going to backflip down this thing. I don't give a shit. And people were like, Do you mind stopping? So the rest of the group and I was like, Okay. It was so wild to me. And now I think if I tried it today, I'd be fucked. Yeah.

I mean, that's the thing. My Cavalier attitude and confidence is based on past life, 20 years ago. And I was in really good, exceptional shape. I was always running and jumping and climbing. I've seen the photos.

Yeah. And you don't post anymore. No more shirtless photos on your Instagram?

Yeah, because fucking Playgirl. Oh what? Resinded all the rights. Really? Yeah.

Because you had a long contract with them.

Yeah, it was my entire life. Yeah. It was weird. And then they got in trouble because it started when I was six, and that was a little unseemly, I guess.

But those pictures sold the best for some reason. Yeah.

They loved them.

You think it was just because you had hair when you were younger?

I think it's like, they're looking at it going, this could be a bear. Right. Well, it's an investment in the future. We got to let it grow. And it didn't work out. I had a Jufro, though, so maybe that was part of it.

Yeah. Well, that sells a totally different market. Yeah. That's interested in another market. No, they don't. No, they don't. Money is money. Money is money. I hate to say this, but have you seen this makes me think, have you seen the video of people climbing Everest and the bodies that they see on the way out?

No. That always gets that. Oh, is that because of the Is that the one where the global warming has revealed all these bodies?

Yeah, they're everywhere now. It used to be like you'd see two on the way up. Now, there's like 30 that they see. And now this is the most fucked up thing. Now that there's melting going on, bodies are sliding down the mountain.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Some of them were also like landmarkers.

The people wouldn't know where they were. Right. Green boots. You've heard the Green Boots story? Show them green boots from... Show him green boots from Everest. You can't see the man, but there's these famous, iconic this man with these bright green boots. And he's been there for quite a long time. But he was a point of marking. But now his full body is almost revealed now because the snow has melted.

Yeah, I've I recently read about the because the snow is melting, people are passing by just multiple.

So many. It used to be like, I think they would see a few, and now it's like every five feet. It's like a whole thing. So a part of the, I guess, the training. A friend was telling me a part of it of when you do climb, they do a big tutorial on be prepared for the mental aspect of seeing a body because you will. And it's like you have to get over this mental pump of what the elevation change does to you, what some of the depravity of oxygen will do to the way you think and the way you see and blah, blah, blah. And then that's a whole 'nother' section. They have to like, brew into it. It's like, by the way, you're going to see a whole A fuckload of dead people.

Well, this is not, thankfully.

Machu Picchu will not have this. No, I know.

It's not even remotely that. But there's the second day of hiking. You climb up to 19,000 feet.

Yeah, that's very high.

I mean, that's Is there even oxygen there?

No, no, no, no, no. What did you do? No, I think what the tree line, the oxygen line, probably I think you run out at 15,000 or something like that. Because when we go, my wife's uncle had a house for a long time in Breckenridge, and you would sleep at around 11,000 feet. And I would have crazy dreams, like the first night or two. And then even when you started to go up or hike or anything like that, you start to get, like even then. And you're going to ski. What does that say? 19,000. Yeah, that's it.

It contains only half the amount of oxygen. Wow.

Yeah, it's nuts. But I do love the... I love the physical feeling of your body adjusting. It's It's weird. Every time I go to Denver, go in the mountains, I like to physically feel myself working harder to adjust because at sea level we don't feel anything. I can't tell the difference.

I'm looking forward to spending a lot less, two-thirds less on alcohol, which is the nice thing about the first couple of days before you get acclimated, three drinks, and you're like, Yeah, guys. And I've saved a lot of money. Yeah.

Are you doing anything specific to prepare for it that's changing anything rapidly in your life or no? Diet-wise or any of that shit?

They say what?

Diet-wise or anything like that?

Just more pork rinds. I'm trying to-Yeah, you got it. You have to, right? Pork rinds. Chicharones.

That's what we call them here. It's actually Chicharones. Chicharones. No, Rones.

Rones.

Ron. Up here. Ron. Ron. Ron. Chicharones. And is that I don't think so.

And neither do I. You're saying it's the correct pronunciation.

I'm not Mexican, though.

Yeah, but you either know or you don't. I mean, I know the correct pronunciation of, but I'm not French.

What is that? What's avech moi?

Take the- Take the trash out? It's like trash isn't the exact- Rubbish, maybe? Take the rubbish. Yeah, take the rubbish. Which can When we say, when Americans say trash, you're thinking like, oh, the refuse and my old banana peel and some papers. But when a Frenchman says refuse, that could be your attitude. Take your attitude out back. Dump it in the bin.

Dump it in the bin. How long were you living in France? You lived in France for...

It was a connecting flight. So I want to say it was three hours-ish.

Pretty good? Yeah.

I learned a lot. Took in a lot. I'm very observant. You really are? Yeah. So I can tell you all about airport bars and things at the Gaul international airport. So I saw a lot of fancies.

A lot of fancies. You're a fancy boy. I really am. That's what the Internet says. Yeah. I want to tell you, I was lucky to one tiny, tiny roll on Arrested, but I did the newest season. No, maybe the second. I don't know which one it was. The second newest. Second newest?

The second time was not good.

You hated them both?

I didn't hate them both. No.

The first time back was okay?

First time back was okay, yeah. I'm not going to go into it, but the second time was just full of really bad, dumb, avoidable problems. And It was not good for anybody.

Yeah, and we could just boil that down to Jason Bateman. That is what that is. He's a piece of shit. That's a diva. He's a piece of shit. I know Jason really well, and every time I speak to him about you, because I talk to him about talented people around him and how that's really made him shine. Sure. Because of his shit, because of his lack of ability and skill.

Jason Bateman is a prince.

Yeah. Well, a prince of tides. I have a totally different perspective on him. But yeah. No. What did you do? I did My scene was with Jason. I was-So sorry. Yeah, trust me. I begged for you. I actually asked very specifically. Mine was-That's how it works. We're going to give you a car with some stairs. I was the guy selling him theOh, with some stairs. With some stairs, yes. I sell them the Google car is what it was called. Yes. It was honestly, he remembers it more than I actually remember, but it was fucking... For me, I dreamed about the original season. I loved it so much. Obviously, it was cool enough to be even remotely part of it again, but I was such a big fan. So even being a part of anything, I was like, wow.

Yeah, sure. I mean, it was great. I mean, it was inarguably great. But the fourth season, which I watched, I'm a little disappointed they recut it so that it is linear because I didn't get it at first, but around the Tobias episodes, which are a little under halfway through, it finally clicked and I was like, Oh, I see how to watch this now. It was really fun. Once I figured it out. This is cool and this is unique. I haven't seen this before. It's a fun exercise and it ensures that I'm going to go back and watch it again. Because again, the first six EPs, I was like, What's going on? But then once I figured out, it was a really enjoyable thing to participate in.

It was-It was-It was-Season 5 was...

I've never watched it. I don't think I ever will. It was not good. It's funny.

I've never seen it either. I don't know.

It's not good, man.

No? No. And just because it was such a departure from what the guts of the show really was? I know. You don't have to get into it.

I don't think... I mean, it was just... I mean, it just there were a lot of issues as we were going into it. Yeah. And it's not about people, per se. It's not like this person was like this. That's not That's exactly what I'm talking about. It was just the whole production was a shit show.

Yeah. I mean, this happens because the things get lost in this whole like, look, I just did this couple of seasons of the show Dave on FX, and that That's supposed to be really good.

I haven't seen it.

Yeah. I mean, it's come to an end now, which People like it. People did like it. I think it was a little bit of a relief because it got so... I think what America doesn't really know is it gets so far away from what originally was making something good sometimes. And there's a lot of, there's so many cooks. And then you're like, I don't, why don't we do it?

Well, that's the issue with a lot. Oh, they found it. Because they remade this season, it's so hard to find you, but I remember I downloaded it once before.

There's me talking to Jason. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, it was a small little roll and he was really difficult to work with. It was two seconds. And I'm used to getting up. I'm surprised in the They didn't cut that out. They should have. Yeah, they actually should have. Because a lot of it was on Jason. Right. Yeah, a lot of it. I'm more shocked than you are that they didn't cut it out.

It's interesting. The angle is clearly the cameras below. Yeah. I wonder what that's about.

That was a request. I had a request for that. Oh, that's in your writer? Yeah, I said, Can you make sure that my tits are showing a little bit?

It's towering over.

Little Jay. I'm also sitting on an Apple box. There you go. Yeah, that's in my writer. I'm sitting on one right now. I don't Yeah. It doesn't seem... From your angle, you wouldn't be able to see it.

From this angle? Which angle would I be able to see it?

If you're me looking down, I'm the only one. That's it? I can see it.

All right, let's give it a shot.

What can you tell me? Legally? Yeah. What can you tell me?

I mean, I have clearance for some things, but there are some things- Go ahead and tell me some of the stuff.

Okay. People want to know. A lot of the fans ask when David comes- About Area 51?

Oh, no.

I'm sorry. I interrupted. No, they say when David comes on, can you ask him about his knowledge or lack thereof in what's going on in Area 51?

Well, I can't say too much, but I can say certain things, and maybe you can fill in the dots. Sure. The land rights have been leased to the M&M Company for a Mars. Yeah, Mars Candies, the makers of M&Ms, amongst other things. Three Musketeers. Snickers.

Say that as a one word next time.

Milky Way.

Is Almond Joy in there?

Almond Joy. Mounds. Not what you might call it.

No chance. Not Skittles.

No. Not Twix. Not Kit Kat. Not Cadbury eggs, because Cadbury is its own thing.

That's a whole another issue, unfortunately.

The British.

Well, you know, Cadbury's used to made in England. And now because of Harry and Megan, they've moved it.

Was that...

I thought-when they left the royal family, they took Cadbury with them.

Oh, my gosh. I had no idea. It was part of the rest of the deal. I was living in London at the time, and it was a big to-do. People were not happy. They were mad at them, huh? They were mad. I don't even recall their anger being taken out on Harry and Megan, although now it is, of course. Yeah. Man, I don't know shit about any of that stuff, but you can't help but see. It is like a cottage industry for people to be mad at Harry and Megan. People are making money.

A fuckload of money. Of Hating those guys.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, the Internet is... That's what it does with our business. It's the same thing. It's like people can profit from the amount of controversy that can be created. It's extremely profitable. Yeah. And also when you make a statement that you're going to maybe separate from this thing that people hold such a true identity to. It's like a sports fan when they're like, The guy's leaving your team, and he's like, We should fucking kill him.

I lived in Boston for nine years and when Clemens went to the Yankees, that was like, you watched sane rational adults just losing their shit. First of all, he's a red neck from Texas. He doesn't give a shit about Boston. No. And it's called free market capitalism, the thing you love so much. He's like, How dare he? He's betraying us.

It is weird to own a person.

Yeah. It's just, I mean...

The representation of owning of someone that plays for a thing. But it happens, even as a comic, when someone's identity, they're like, No, he was a New York guy, or he's a Boston guy. It's almost like when Burr moved here, he still is an East Coast guy or whatever you want to say. But he's been in LA for fucking ever. It's like he's just as much of an LA comedian as he is an East Coast comedian because his rise, I say, is out here.

I disagree because I think, especially with Boston, maybe perhaps the most, your region and where you're brought up can really inform your style, who you are, your personality, and that you carry that over. I think Bill's an example of that.

He is still Boston, but he has been one of the pillars of LA comedy in terms of like, he's one of our guys. I mean, in terms of we don't have a ton of big names that live here anymore that are still doing the clubs.

Ali Wong?

Yeah, Ali is. Ali, less so, will come to the club because she's so busy. Bill, I feel like I do still see work out a little bit more because she's fucking so busy. She did beef. She did beef. I did beef.

How was it?

I didn't get an Emmy. I asked. I said, I did four episodes. Could I please have an Emmy?

Was the show good?

Yeah, it was very good. Was it? Yeah. I'm very much not in it. I'm only in four episodes, but I will say that's me. I'm the non-Asian guy.

Thanks for pointing that out.

Yeah, I'm the second one in. But it's funny because it was such... I don't know how many times you've experienced this, but when you read something and you're like, I wish I was a bigger part of this thing because it was fucking rad. I'm reading it and I was like, Oh, this is fucking rad. And I'm lucky to be in a couple of them. But that is Yeah, that's one of those things when I hate to say, you know, but sometimes you go, I don't know, I think this is going to be fucking... It'd be hard.

Sometimes, you know. I mean, yeah, that's...

What was the thing you knew when you read it and you knew? Oh, arrested. Like, didn't even- Well, I would say as far as just reading something, I saw the potential.

But when I was shooting the pilot, I didn't want to read for it. I had just moved to New York a a year prior, maybe less, and had no interest in going back to LA at all. And then this script comes and I was like, I'm not interested. And they're like, Just read it. It's really funny. And Bob's wife, Naomi, and my manager, both separately. I think it's pretty good. And they wanted me to look at two different parts. And then I read the Tobias thing. I was like, Oh, I know who that is. I got this. And Then I was like, It's supposed to be a reoccurring character. That's great. I shoot six episodes and go home. For back and forth, that's great. Then when I was shooting the pilot, and I think we all felt this, the casting is so fucking perfect in that show. And you're playing around with these, most of whom I'd never heard of before. And then you're like, this is really good. This is funny. This is good. It's the tone. I like the tone. The Ruso brothers are great. They directed the pilot in the first season.

They're like, this is just a fucking treat. And they're letting me improvise. And this is awesome. It's a fun role. I remember calling my girlfriend going, Hey, so good news, bad news. I think I got to do the show. I think I I got to be regular, and I think I got to keep doing this. So that one I knew when we were shooting the pilot, it was like, This is really good. Special. I think when I read Station 11, which I had never read the book, I was like, holy shit. And it turned out to be... That was one of my favorite shows of that year. That was fucking great.

Did you read the book after the fact?

I didn't. Good. I should. Fuck books. I think that should be an imprint. Yeah, publishing imprint. Fuckbooks. Fuckbooks. Although that would have a different connotation, I guess, for some people.

Well, we have two divisions. Oh, okay. What are they? Yeah, fuck, comma, books, and fuckbooks. Ah. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. That's smart. You want to appease everybody in this day and age.

How much longer do we have to do this?

Two seconds. Okay. This is it.

Okay. Is it?

I have no idea. Yeah, we have nine minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You what? We have nine minutes left?

No, no, no, no, no, How about that for...

That's a pro.

You are a pro.

It's just in the brain going, I think we're at an hour.

In the rhythm of doing an hour and warm enough for your special.

Unlike when you do a 12 minutes set, you drop into a club and you're like, How was that? How much time did I do? You did 20 minutes, asshole. Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Was I supposed to do six? You guys said six and a half. I remember Norman told me that Seinfeld had said to him when he first opened for him at the Beacon, I think it was, that Jerry was like, You'll do twelve or whatever the number was. And he was like, what if I'm a little over under? And Jerry's like, what do you mean? And he's like, what if it's... And he's like, what do you mean? You do 12. You do twelve minutes. That's the number. And he was like, oh. And he said he was panicked about it. But that was such a standard. I don't know if it's a generational thing as well.

Oh, I have no. Yeah. But I mean, Seinfeld is jokes. He doesn't change a word.

It's to the beat. It's down to the science. It's scientific. And I told him, I said, I would bail. It would make me so fucking nervous. Oh, God, I have no idea what 12 minutes is. I have no fucking idea.

At 12 minutes, I'd be like... And that's why I was like, Okay, I got to go.

Bye. For people at home, first of all, I want to thank you for coming on the show. For people at Home, please go watch. The special is out on 800 pound Guerrilla's YouTube. It's available right now. When this is out, it'll be out. And your other special is on there.

Coming out pretty soon. It's the worst daddy in the world.

The worst daddy in the world, which is not true.

I don't think it's true. My daughter might have an argument with you about that.

And she directed it and EP'd it, your daughter.

She co-created it. Right.

You got to give her some credit for that, too.

She did some writing on it.

Does she get paid for this or no?

I mean, I get up in the morning and make her fucking breakfast and walk her to school every morning. So yeah. We'll see. Payment in full.

Watch Worst Daddy in the World right now on YouTube on 8:00 in our panel. We'll put the link in the description below. Thank you for coming. I appreciate it. You look in that camera right there. We end the show the same way. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. One word or one phrase.

Now, that's what I call a pancake. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.