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Go check that out. Check out everything she's done. She's incredible. She's on the road all new year next year, 2024, and so am I. Me and Robert E. Lee, a direct descendant of Robert E. Lee. Me and Bobby Lee are going to be on the road. Go to badfriendspod. Com for those tickets. We're going to Atlantic City, New Jersey, Salt Lake City, Irino, Tucson, Sacramento, Dameculah, Long Beach. We end the tour in Las Vegas, Nevada, on 4/20. Come out and see your boys. We're also in Canada, Niaga Falls up there. Come see us badfriendspaad. Com, badbrandspaad. Com for those tickets and of rambling from me, let's go to the episode. In here, we.

Pour whiskey.

Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You were that creature in the Ginger Fierce.

Sturdy and ginger.

This. The ginger, Jean, is a curse.

Ginges are beautiful. You owe me five.

Dollars for the.

Whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginges. Oh, hell no.

This.

Whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like ginges.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Jr. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. Today is one of my guest. What I mean, once again, today it's the return of Heather McMan. You were on the show two years ago.

I know. I don't remember what we talked about.

I do.

Okay.

Great. But I want to start the show by saying hi to the love of your life and the love of probably my life, Big Jeff, the Big Jay, the juicy Jay, as it were. He's listening somewhere to this in his own home.

Jerking off hard. Yanking it.

It's so good to see you again. Great to see you as well. You played the Pentages last night in Los Angeles.

How fun was that? It was amazing.

It's The Wizard of Oz and you.

Literally, people were like, Oh, I was doing press and shit this week. They're like, What's your show like? Wicked's played there or Hamilton. I'm like, Not Hamilton. Not Hamilton. I do a little song and dance. I do dance around. I come out in Glitter suits, but it's.

Not Hamilton. How many outfit changes do.

You have during your show? I only have one right now. I used to do too much, and now I've pared it back. One change. One change, because I throw out my back, so I can't do what I used.

To do. I know we talked about this. Now, which side is your sciatica? Because we're talking... I have L3, L4, and.

You're a? I'm L5. No, L5, S2.

Right.

Yeah, it's the right side. My leg will just dead leg and go numb, and I'll be dragging it through the airport with all my suitcases. I'm like, Guys, your leg's out.

Your leg's out.

You're peg-legging. I'm straight-up fucking peg-legging. This is how embarrassing it is. When my back officially went out, when I hurt myself, I was at LaGuardia. It was a Saturday. I'm on the road. I'm flying to Pittsburgh.

That's why, by the way, LaGuardia, that's the problem. It should have been JFK. You're not going to throw your back out of JFK.

I know. But the new LaGuardia for Delta, because I'm Delta-loyal, is fire.

I agree.

I saw this K-pop band getting out of a Mercedes Sprinter van in front of me. I'm getting out of my car because I want to see who it is. I couldn't identify anybody from a K-pop band. I'm just being nosy, and I want to jump out to see who's there. I literally just turn, grab my duffel, and my bat goes out. I hit the deck in front of the skycap. Literally, it's Sky Prior. They're like, Ma'am, do you need a wheelchair? Meanwhile, all these hot Korean dudes with security are like, What the fuck? Thinking I'm some fan who's freaked out. Then they have to push me through LaGuardia in a wheelchair and my back was out. And then I flew to Pittsburgh that night and did a show. And I was dying. But we did it.

But how fun to get wheeled through.

You're one of them. I was one of them. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Were you doing this the whole time? I was doing that. And then all my friends are videotaping me. It's Heather.

It's Heather. I'm waving. I'm the Queen's wave. If I ever get to that point, I just hobble through the airport. They see me hobbling through, but mine's on my left side. I have such an awful time. My nerves are flared right now. I have femoral and sciatic nerve are frustrated. Oh, God damn. Yeah, it's fun. I'm 40.

I'm surprised you're not pilled out.

But see, this is really good. I'm fighting it really hard because I like the sauce. Same. I figured if I like the sauce, I shouldn't do the pills because the bad combination.

Also, the muscle relaxers don't do a lot for me. They do nothing for me. I'm the gal. You could give me half a Benadryl and I'm out. I'm easy on the pills. And any painkiller just gives me the itches. You've ever taken a Lortab or an oxy? I just start itching.

And I hate it. I get anxious. My back gets... I get really more flary and frustrated. I had a really bad ankle injury when I first moved here, like three years into my L. A. Living, and I was playing basketball, and I tore ligaments in my leg, and they gave me vicodin. That was the first time I ever had it, and I was atrocious on vicodin. It got me more angry. I couldn't poop. Oh, the worst. I couldn't poop.

I was there. I think the person being in pain and also unable to shit.

I can't shit. I was like, come on. Then they're like, Oh, we'll give you a diuretic. You take along with it. It was just so much stuff in my body. I was frustrated. Then finally I said, I'm not going to take the vicodin. Can I just dose up on Advil? He was like, Yeah, but who knows how effective. But it actually worked. I mean, it didn't relieve all of the pain, but enough where I could get by without feeling cracked out on vicodin. Because vicodin is just, I don't like those. They're too much.

Yeah, it's all too much for me. I love a Tylenol 800. I can do that. But you really can't drink on those, right? Because Tylenol with the liver, it sucks. Now I am, I'll tell you what, you give me like a Xanax and I am chilling because I run high. I'm high octane a lot. So for me, I need this stuff to take me down. Take me way down. Oh, my God. Take me down. Half of Xanax, a glass of red wine after a show, and I'm just laying in the Hilton.

You don't ever...

You know what? I can do a little bit of the marijuana, but I can do like a quarter of an edible. I like to get giggly, but I've had too many bad edibles, and I hate to be tropy about it, but I get anxious on the edibles, too.

I know, isn't that the irony is that for all those years, they're like, It helps with anxiety, hunger. Then a lot of times I'm like, I'm so anxious, I can't eat and my teeth hurt for some reason.

My teeth hurt and I think I'm going to vomit. I'm like, I can't tell if my body is hot because I just smoked a J or what is this feeling coming up the back of my throat? I hate it.

It used to be that way when we were chilling. When we were children, it was way- It was chill weed. Icould smoke a whole joint and be fine. Fine. If I smoke a joint, I did, actually, because I didn't want to take medicine for my first week with my leg. I was like, Man, I just want to walk around the neighborhood. In the morning, I woke up in a little bit of pain. I took the dog for a walk, and I smoked a whole joint to myself on the walk with my dog. I was thinking, This is actually going pretty well. This is not bad. Then as I circled the last lap of my block, that's when it was like...

I was just like, Let's go home, baby girl. I was panicking way too high, and it was my own neighborhood, and I thought, Man, I used to be able to smoke a joint and be totally fine. Now I couldn't eat breakfast because I was so baked. I kept thinking, Man, did I screw up the whole day? I'm way too high.

That's the thing, too. Even when I'm drinking, the anxiety, the hangover anxiety that I have because I know I have to be fucking productive. Then if the one day is like me coming, flying back from the road, people don't get that. The day you travel back home is actually my most stressful day. Oh, big time. Because I know I got to jump back in, be a wife. I got to rise or dazzle. You know what I mean? I got to give kisses and do that shit. Then I've got two French Bulldogs who have no discipline and run my fucking life. Yeah, I get it. There's nothing worse. I do love, though, I have found that perfect little tincture where I'll go into Mad Men or Men Men or whatever, and I'll say, I want to feel like I've had two glasses of Chardonnay, and I maybe want to eat some like, Chedda popcorn. I tell them exactly what I want, and then they'll give me this one little strain and I'll take a quarter. Even if they're like, These are only five milligrams, I still panic and I take like half a bite. You get nervous.

I get so nervous. But what I love to do on my nights off, I will take a little bit. I'll take a little roady red wine, live in a gated community, and I will fucking walk around the neighborhood, and I will judge all the other cons in the neighborhood, all of their holiday decor, and that's my me time. I get out, I get my steps in, and yeah, I judge.

You are like a suburban mom. Fuck yeah. To the max. To the max. The red wine. Is it Stemless? We're talking Stemless.

I'm isn't a Stanley Cup, baby. I got the handle and I'm doing my thing. I got my Apple Watch on. I'm getting my steps in.

Are you big steps, girl?

No, not at all. Just when I'm high. When I'm high, it becomes a competition. I'm like, Oh, we will get.

40,000 steps. I'm out stepping you.

Dude, I haven't charged my Apple watch in three months.

I can't believe I have one. Why do we have them? Why do we have them? I don't know. I use it intermittently, and then every time I go, All right, I'm going to start wearing it. Then I'm like, I don't like this thing.

My husband's got the Aura ring. I'm surprised he didn't have a butt plug just checking his pulses at night.

He does. Watch this, I can make him tickle right now. Jeff, how do you feel? How do you feel?

I mean, it is like he is tracking everything. And then I still wake up and I'm like, How did you sleep? He's like, Like shit. I feel like shit. We just got a new mattress. That's when you know you're old. We have been on a mattress fucking journey.

What do you got? Do you have.

The adjustable- No, because those weigh 7,000 pounds. Do you fall through the ceiling? Honestly, no, we just got some not sponsored Puffy brand. But Jeff literally made me do months of market research.

To make sure...

To make sure this is the one. To make sure this is the one. And he was so pissed. I was on the road and I was like, Jeff, I took the quiz online. I know this is going to be good because my back's fucked. His back is fucked. So I need firm. And then it still came in a box. So he was stressed. He called me. I was in Fort Lauderdale. I was like, This... It was in a box, Heather, because he doesn't trust anything that has to deflate.

I think the deflate thing is so cool. It is so cool. You just slip it open and it comes out.

But they get too soft.

You wear through.

And then I was literally, he's a big guy. I'm not exactly the most fatigued woman, so I was also looking at weight limits for these. I've done the market research. Now, I will say two weeks in, it's lovely, but I keep getting pushed ads from the Four Seasons for their mattress. I'm tempted to get.

A Four Seasons. I'm in for that. Trust me, I'm in for that. Once you sleep on one of those things, you're like, What are these made.

Out of? Changes the fucking game.

Little baby necks? It's made out of baby necks.

Little tiny baby necks. It is.

Pretty incredible. When you go to these really fancy hotels and you sleep in one of their beds once, you go, Man, all those years I slept in the roadside Inn or whatever at the beginning of my career, and you were sleeping on, well, an infested bug bed mattress that was dog shit. Then you sleep on one nice one. It was a prison mattress. Yeah, it was. You sleep on one nice one and you're like, Holy shit.

That's my one thing now on the road. I'm like, I work too hard. I will only stay at a Ritz and above. Fancy. If that's what I'm going to do, if that's how I'm going to spend my money, mama's going to be comfortable.

What about the people that open for you? They stay in there, too? Yeah, everybody's with me. That's funny because, well, he doesn't open for us, but he's part of the production crew here, McCone, and we put them in probably the worst hotel that we can find. Good for you. And I mean it.

But see, I'm a people pleaser. I'm working through that. I want everybody. I want it to feel like camp. I want everyone to be happy, comfortable. I could be miserable. I could have crippling sciatica, acid reflux, and have a panic attack before a show. But if everybody else feels good, then we're happy.

No way, dude, you got to take some notes from us. I know. We put these idiots in the worst place we can find. We're like, Is there something below a one star? Yeah. That's not true, actually. That's not true. To be honest, we put you guys in some really nice hotels. In fact, in Washington, D. C, they stayed at the fucking nicest hotel that we stayed at, which I was shocked. We just stayed. We stayed at the, what's it called? The St. Regis? Not the Broadmore. Oh, we're at the St. Regis.

Yeah, we were. My boy runs the St. Regis there. Shout out to Vadeem. Yeah, that's my spot. Vadeem. That is my spot. Yeah, we put them there. I actually got bumped up at that location to the presidential suite. Let me tell you-.

Because of Vadeem?

Is this all because of Vadeem? Because of Vadeem. Shout out to Vadeem. It's literally, it was like, I don't know, 4,000 square feet. I'm also Marriott Bonjoy-Loyale. Yeah, you talk.

To your loyal.

I'm.

Loyal. You're elite Bonvoie elite.

I'm titanium elite.

I've been there. I've been staying.

In them. You know. Andi know I got that nice presidential suite, but that nice hotel.

Yeah, it is nice because it helps when you're on the road and you're traveling so much. Because look, you've been on it. How many cities did you do? Because last time we talked, you must have done a 100 city tour or something like that.

I'm doing the same. I've quit counting. You're a lunatic. I'm a lunatic. Slow down. I know. I mean, you.

Do have a special that's out. I understand using that momentum, I know, is important. When the Netflix special comes out, it's like, Well, I got to get out. I have to go.

Well, that was the thing. All the timing has been so weird in my career. I'm like, Okay, so I just toured for the last four years, and then I shot the special last year, so now it's just come out. I'm already on a new tour. I'm shooting my next special next week. I'm just like, What is time and space? I don't know where I am.

Yeah, but that's good. If it's humming along like that, why stop? Yeah. I think if it's working in that regard, I know people that are doing it like that that are like, something's clicking, then you got to just do it. You have to obey the universe a little bit.

Yeah, we're obeying the Universe.

We're doing it.

Where are you filming your special? In Atlanta. That's my hometown. We're shooting at the Fox Theater, which is my favorite theater. Love. I'm really excited. It's going to be great. But it's just a lot because I'm doing press right now for this last special. I'm talking about old material. I'm on the road currently, and then I'm shooting this next one. I don't know what fucking day of the week it is. My leg is fucking numb. I have an eczema flare up. Oh, where? Yeah, just everywhere. Okay. Mostly down there. It just gets hot in those glitter suits. No, I got a deep tissue massage this morning because that's the other thing when I spend my money on. I get massages. I like to get rubbed down when I go to.

Different cities. I got a massage yesterday. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible.

Terrible.

There is.

Nothing more. I want to say this, and let's go over this. Let's talk about it. Let's go over this. Look, anybody's allowed to do anything. Why does a guy want to be a Masoos? Here's the deal. Because here's the deal. Women want to be touched by women. Men would like to be touched by women.

I'll let anybody rub me.

I know, but hairy arms on my back. I don't like. Of course, I want a female mesoos. Of course, my wife wants a female misuse because women are strong enough to do it. What do we need a guy for? I don't need a sweaty guy dripping all over me. I didn't like it. Didn't like it. You know what? I'm going to go out and let them and say it. Let's get men out of the mesoos game. Let's get them right out.

Let's get them all the way out. Listen, I'm glad you stand for something. I'm glad that you have this platform. I'm glad that you have this platform.

Pisses me off.

I got a batik guy back in Atlanta named Greg. He's a small Filipino man. When I say he gets on me, and it is intense.

Is Greg gay?

Greg is not gay, but he's not threatening either. You know what I mean? I feel it's very consensual, very safe.

A little fatit Filipino man that is gay, now that's someone I'll take.

Now that's someone I'll take. But I've had big boys. I remember I was getting a massage in Denver, and this man must have been six, four, wasn't necessarily attracted to him. I had a busted face, but I was like, get in there. I want big daddy to get... I want to be broken, bruised, leave a little bloody. Leave a little bloody. You like when someone hurts you. Yes. Today I was a little disappointed. I got a 90-minute deep tissue, and it was indeed. The woman was a little too thin, a little too petite. As soon as I walked in, I was like, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. She did not come to play. She was too skinny.

Too thin. Here's what we're kicking out. We're kicking out straight men.

Straight men.

And thin women.

Thin women. Get out.

Get the fuck out. Get out of the.

Massage game. Get out of the massage game. It's a wrap. We're done with you.

That's how I feel because I was just bum because I thought, I'm sure he's very good at his job. I'm so comfortable with my sexuality. I don't give a shit that it's a guy that doesn't bother me at all. It was just hairy arms rubbing on my neckline. I was like, I just don't like this.

I.

Hear you. I just didn't like hairy arms on my neckline. There was something about it. I was like, Man, I would rather just have a big bone, nut dude. Give me a.

Big bone lady. Just a large German lady.

Give me a German lady.

Just here to fuck it up. Just here to rub you down and.

Fuck it up. You want my legs on your back now?

When I went to Asia.

I want a girda. Give me GERDA. Yeah, Helga. That's a scoot. That's a scoot. Can't you breathe?

Is this where the sciatica is if.

You don't- Get up, pussy. Get up, you pussy. She makes me do push-ups in the middle of my massage.

Have you ever done a Thai massage?

I have, and they will fucking beat the shit out of you. You like that?

I love it. I was in Asia, and I would get Thai massages on the beach every day. And it's wild. There's actually a great place here in Hollywood in Thai town, and they make you lay flat down on the mat. You're in these little outfits, right? You're not even really naked because they're stretching you. And all of a sudden I heard this thing, this clicking. And then I'm laying down and I realized a woman is walking on my back and she's using a walker to get further up. And I literally just like, I'm squeezed in between a walker. I'm like, This is the shit I'm into. You like that? Yeah, she's got the bars on the top.

And she's like.

Kick in and she's dropping down.

I love it. It is cool when they step on your back. That I do like, but I just don't like if they dig so deep that you feel muscles moving to a different place. You know when my muscles are like, and it goes to a separate part of your bone? That I'm like, Relax, relax.

Are you doing physical therapy? Do you see a chiropractor?

I do both, yeah. Fuck. It's a nightmare.

Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. I'm seeing my chiropractor. Shout out to Dr. Meluchi, he literally does all the Falcons players in Atlanta. Really? And he's like, Heather, your body is fucked up. More fucked up than some of these running backs. I'm like, it's comedy. He's like, What the fuck are you doing? I'm like, Dude, I don't know. I'm going.

To utilize that next time I see an NFL player and be like, You think your job is hard? Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, dude. We train way harder than.

You guys do. Tell some blow job jokes and then let me know how you feel.

In here, we.

Pour Whisky. Hey, this.

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Ginger. I like genders.

Yeah, I'm doing both. I'm doing chiropractor. I'm doing- Physical therapy. Acupuncture, physical therapy. I've done cupping. I do it all.

Have you done dry needling? Yeah, I've done dry needling. That gets me hard.

Well, because it goes.

Way in there. And then you feel the needle against your bone.

And the nerve. It's a little weird. It's a little weird to feel it's so deep. You're like, Whoa, whoa. Then he's like, Oh, we're going to put a heat lamp over you now. You're sitting there with that heat lamp on you and you have nothing but yourself to think because he says you want music. I usually go, No music, because I'd like to just let it spin.

Yeah, marinate. Let's spin. Spin, spiral.

It feels really good, but there are moments where I'm like, Man, this is so strange that these things are touching all the way through my body. Little knives.

Little knives. I do panic and then I get up from the table and I immediately want to throw up immediately. Yeah, I don't feel good. Yeah, I don't feel good. I went to this guy in New York. I was really burnt out on the road. I went to this guy. He was like this voodoo witch doctor. He was like, Stick out your tongue, shut up my tongue. He looked at my eyes, and he literally nailed what I had. He was like, You've had no varian cyst rupture recently, haven't you? I was like, Yes. What? I'm just weeping in this guy's office. My God. Then he did his dry needling and acupuncture and all this shit. I'm into that. I seek out the crazy a.

Little bit. Well, because there's something about it. The Eastern medicine had so many wild trials where they just tried a bunch of weird shit. I'm down to try something, but I don't know if looking at the tongue, that was just a.

Thing he did. Yeah, I think it was a kink, honestly.

Because you wrote down on a piece of paper you had an ovarian cyst rupture. You forget you said that. He's like, show me your mouth.

He's like, Yeah, I see eczema from that fat tongue. I know you're flared up behind the legs.

Then when you fly, what do you do? You stand up and walk around a bunch or no?

I could do it right now. I've got my little stretches right here, pull on the leg. I bring my lacrosse ball. I got my fucking bands. It is sad.

Me too. It's so sad. I'm that guy that I'm like... Because I had one time I was on a flight back, and I kept going like this just to myself. And the flight attendant came over and she goes, It's sciatica?

And I.

Go, I do. And she goes, We find each other. My husband has sciatica. And she goes, I can tell it hurts. Do you want a bag of ice? I go, Honestly, no. I'm going to ask you maybe to heat up my heat pad in the microwave. And she just stare at me for a minute. I'm like, This is more embarrassing for me.

Than it is for you. Also, if you're not going to be friendly and help, don't ask. Don't bring me solutions if I say, Here's my bag of rice that I need you to heat up with the coffee pot. If you're not going to help me, Cynthia, then shut the fuck up.

Help me out, bitch.

I think I got this because my mom got sciatica and we went on a family vacation. We were down the. My mom was bent over a Shay's Lounge, and she was just groaning like... And my whole family was like, Mom, you're fucking embarrassing us. Shut the fuck up. And then literally a year later, I got it. I was like, Oh, this is me for bullying my mom.

This was karma. You outside of La Guardia going side by side. You and your mom doing that. Like daughter, like mother, baby. Truly. No, it's all the things that our parents didn't tell us that they had if they had any... It's so funny to find out all the health stuff as I've gotten older. My dentist was like, Oh, yeah, you grind your teeth sometimes. I was like, Oh, yeah. I had to get the mouth guard thing. He goes, Well, you have gum recession. I said, Is that because of it? He's like, Maybe, but also some of that's hereditary. My mom, I was like, Do you have gum problems? She's like, Oh, yeah, you don't know. Bleeding all the time. There she goes, I had to get the part of my roof. They had to graft her roof to use the skin on the roof for mouth for some of her receding gums. She's like, Yeah, that's also part of hereditary. That good old Irish heritage, these fucking health nuts.

I got it, too. I had to get my dad had such a big gap in his teeth, and then I did as a kid, and they did braces, everything, and it wouldn't work. They had to cut that little piece up. That right there. I had to get that cut, and then it finally brought my teeth together. But I have every ailment that my dad had. I mean, he died of pancreatic cancer. So God, please.

You don't have that? I can tell. Wait, stick out your tongue. Yeah, you don't have it. Good, good, good.

Cool, good, good. But yeah, again, when you get older and you're like, Oh, fuck, this is the shit my dad used to complain about this.

All the things that they had. Well, even anxiety and panic and all that stuff. I had my first anxiety attack in college because I have ocular migraine. I lose vision in my eye.

Are we the same person? Yeah, we are. I literally go blind on the right side of.

My face. That's so funny. So do I. Fuck. My mom was like, I used to have stuff like that when I was pregnant with you. I was like, Fucking fun hints. Ding, ding, ding. Fun stuff to know, mom. I was like, How come we don't ever share? Your parents don't ever share stuff unless it's like, Oh, yes, that's right. I forgot to tell you you were touched by the priest. It's like, Well, I could be nice to know because I've repressed all that stuff.

My mom can never remember whether or not I had chicken pox or my sister did. She's like, I don't remember. I'm like, Well, I need to know this. Who had shingles? It's important. She's like, I don't know. I was tired. What do you want from me? I started getting, if you get the really bad migraines, do the Botox. It does help. It's not just an esthetic thing. It has.

Changed the game. I know, I've heard about this. People have said this. I get the oculars where I can't see. But then what happens is then those, what do they call them? Hemispheres ones. Man, it hurts like crazy. It's almost like not even a headache. It's almost like- It's like out of body. Yeah, it feels so strange.

How much it hurts. Get it up here. I also had to do it because I would chew through my night guard. That's how fucking anxious I am.

I've chewed through one. I went through one.

Yeah. My doctor was like, This is he's like, Again, you do comedy. Why are we stressed? I get Botox in my jaw and then up and right in my temples. It just freezes me from thinking about anything.

From chew. Well, it helps you from gnawing down.

I can't do sandwiches. Anything doughy, I like, choke and panic. I really can't. I just slurp on.

A salad. Has Jeff been blending all of your meals lately?

Yeah.

By the way, my cousin who's living with me, he's getting in shape and losing some weight, so he's cutting out and he's doing the smoothie thing. I feel bad because every time he does it, I'm eating a nice plate of food. He's watching me eat and it's and I can see how sad he looks in his face. There's something about when you have to go through this. I know sometimes you have to cut shit out to get healthier. There's moments in life where I've done it too. But it's so fucking not fun to eat healthy foods. It's like a miserable. It's a miserable way to go through life. I know we all have to do it, but fuck me, when I see that I'm like, What did you have this morning? He's like, I had toast and coffee. I'm like, Fucking shoot me in the face.

Life is too short. After I lost my dad, I was like, Fuck this. I'm not going to live this life. I spent my entire childhood yo- yo dieting. I was a chubby kid. I'm like, Listen, I've got great fucking legs. I got great tits and a beautiful face. Like, whatever, I'm just going to fucking lean in. I don't give a shit anymore. But the funny thing is I always lose weight. I gain weight when I'm on the road because I'm not sleeping. I'm stressed. Because with women, it's a lot about our hormones. My cortisol is always high, high, high. I went on my honeymoon, and I was in Italy. I've for 30 days. I drank two bottles of wine before breakfast every day by myself, ate 65,000 calories, hadn't seen a leafy green in 30 days, and I lost 15 pounds. It's because I was fucking relaxed. Yeah, that's right. I go on vacation and I thrive. Most people go on vacation and pork up. I come back and people like, You're glowing. I need the fucking time off.

Yeah, well, because your stress levels are low. That is what's funny when somebody goes, How come I went to Italy? Or, How come I went to Spain? We lost weight. Americans always go, Because the food is better. You're like, Yes, I know. But you're also not fucking worried when you're over there.

I'm filled with joy. I'm not dead inside. Right.

Where here, every chance you get, you're like, Well, I should stop doing everything because I suck and I hate myself and fuck me. It's so funny. It's just because when you're gone, you don't have to think about.

The bullshit. You don't have to think about the bullshit. You don't have to think about what the next move is, who's telling you no. We both act, right? That's my thing. My husband gets so frustrated because when I would self-tape and then do these producer callbacks, and you just never hear. He would just get so frustrated for me. He's like, They should at least fucking call you and tell you that they.

Thought you're- They should have the fucking decency to say something.

Say something. We didn't like you because you are a woman. Fine. I don't give a fuck. Tell me whatever you want. Just be honest.

With me. Let me know. I'd rather know than not know. Yeah. Same... I always hated not know. The not knowing felt somehow more offensive. I'd rather than be like, Dude, you fucked that read up. That was bad. I'd be like, That's good.

You're a terrible actor. You should never be in this business. Thank you much. Thank you much.

It's better than doing the read well and then them just being like, Bye. See you. Then you never hear again. I always fucking hated it. That bothered me the most. Well, that's why later in my career, more recently, I'm more picky about what I decide to even try for. Because when Iyoung, I shot so many, I shot at everything. Now I'm like, They know and I know that I'm not right for that. They just enjoy this. They're like, I'd love to see her read, but you're like, You don't want me in that fucking thing. If you did and I say no, well, then maybe you'll come back and go, We got to have you read for the thing because they really like it. Okay, fine. But at face value now, if I know immediately, I'm like, This isn't for fucking me. I just say no.

This specifically says, Petite Asian woman. Why am I.

Reading this? That's for you.

That's for me. Yeah, I have this theory that all the self-tapes and all the audition tapes that I've done over the years, I never was actually auditioning for anything. Then they were in a vault somewhere and then at my funeral, they're going to play it. They're like, The Truman show, joke was on her. That's going to be the cruelest thing anybody will ever do. Look at this moron. Look at this fucking twat.

Hi, it's me.

It's Heather, side profile. Heather McMan, 5'9 Atlanta, Georgia, reading for the hooker. Yeah, every day of my life.

It's hard on your ego, for sure. When somebody says, You know that old Hollywood adage of you get a thousand nos before you get a... You don't even get a no. You get nothing. It's a thousand fucking nothings.

Crickets, nothing. Then finally you go on vacation and then they call you, Hey, we're shooting tomorrow. You booked in. I'm like, I'm in fucking Majorca. Yeah, I can't do it. Suck my dick. I'm out of office. I am 10 pounds down. I am drunk as fuck right now. Eating Paella, leave me alone. Hell, yeah.

Yeah, that's how I live. I like drinking in the morning, by the way. I had a vacation drinking in the morning is so okay. It's so okay. Yeah. Here I feel weird and guilty about it. But there I posted a picture on my Instagram. When we first got to Bore a Borra for my birthday, they left a bottle of rose in the room as like, Hey, welcome to vacation. I was like, I don't really like Rosé. I finished the whole fucking thing. Naked on my back porch.

-was it Whispering angel? Like the best of the best.

There.

Is nothing better to me than breakfast wine specifically in Italy, because no one judges you, right? Well, they're having it. I have cappuccinos, machiatos. I have 65 pastries. Then I open a nice glass of govy, which is like my Italian. That's your shit. That's my shit.

Oh, look at you. Yeah, there's me drunk on Rosé. Good for you as you should. Yeah, really drunk. Oh, my God. In fact, I was real drunk, caught a little bit of a sunburn.

Yeah. Well, I imagine you catch a sunburn in the shade.

That was six seconds I was in. That was a six-second photoshoot. Yeah. No, I literally was like- Look at that little high knee. I fell asleep. Well, I fell asleep. That was a really bad idea. I don't know if Jeff is going to be mad that you're staring at my butt right now.

Oh, no. He's got a great butt, too. Love you, honey.

He does. Send more pictures. Send more picks, Jeff. But you need that just as much as you need to be the workhorse that you have in your blood. Last time we talked, I think we talked about that. It's as important to take the breaks because we went on tour with Bad Friends and we got overwhelmed and I had a mental break big time. I had a big mental break. Now we sectioned it out a little bit easier, but it will get to you when you're touring with people. Touring alone or on your solo tour, it's a little bit easier, but balancing a whole crew of fucking idiots. It's personality. Yeah. That's why I understand why bands break up.

100%.

I get it. I fucking get it.

Because it is so much personality. I mean, even talking with other comedians, all my best friends work with me. There are days where I'm like, Guys, I don't want to see any of you all for at least 48 hours, and then I'll see you in Omaha this weekend, but everybody better behave. I'm the den mother. I mostly travel with dudes, which is like, I got to switch.

That up. No, I say leave it there. Do you have the same people that open for you.

Or no? Yeah, just my buddy. It's people in my life. My buddy Ray is opening for me right now. I used to never bring an opener. I used to open for myself as a character because that's what my audience loved. Then I realized I was doing too much. The other day was like, Why are you doing this? Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, so now I've relinquished some of that.

So your buddy, he does time upfront, then you still do an hour, but you shift. You don't do any more character shifts.

In and out. No, it's just me doing stand up, just letting it rip, having fun.

You don't need the pressure, honestly. We change a lot on our show as The Bad Friend show is, and it's heavy, man. I think it's more work than people know that when you've got a lot of things moving, like moving pieces. That's why when they said that people would be like, It's got to be so much fun, you guys together. It's like, It is really fun. It's also way easier to do a solo show because you're like, All I have to do is do the thing that I'm doing and then not think about what's.

Coming next. I only have to rely on myself. Relying on other people is the main in my existence. Tough. Because I know how hard I work. And then when people are like, When I have friends, don't they'll say, I just don't really want to work that hard. They're like, I could be successful, but I don't really want to work that hard. I'm like, I just want to choke them. I'm like, Mommy's tired, but I'm so glad we're enjoying the St.

Regis. Fuck. That's why I tell them that's why I stick them in the fucking the Red Roof Inn, baby.

Honestly, that's going to build character, okay? That's going to build character. You're young.

Yeah, he's 24.

Oh, fuck you. Yeah, you should be at the Red Roo then. That's what I'm saying. -the one by the highway.

-that's what I'm saying.

Not the nice one by the top golf, the one by the sketchy.

Part of the highway. The view of the highway.

And.

The view of the off-ramp, too, one of the saddest parts of the highway. You see people slowly getting off exiting at night, sad. That's what I want you to see.

Yeah, a lot of sadness underneath the bridge, a lot of methamphetamines. That's what you need to be absorbing in your youth so that you shape up, okay?

Shape up, shithead.

Shape up, shithead.

Did you have any wild shit happen on the road on this tour?

Oh, God. Well, here's the thing. My audience is largely female. These women don't give a fuck. When I come off stage, I immediately get out of my costume. I like to wear a show suit. I'm not just a jeans, a T-shirt gal on the road. I get hot in that thing. I run back to my dressing room and I strip down. Ten seconds after I've stripped down, this woman is in my dressing room, and she's about this close to my face and she just goes, I found you.

Oh, my God.

I said, You sure did. She's in full cheetah print and glitter. I said, Hold on. I grab my clothes, throw something on. She's like, Don't worry. Oh, my God. I'm not going to touch you. I'm like, Well, now that you just said that, you've doubled down on.

The-i won't touch you. They might touch you. Yeah, that's insane.

So my buddy Chris, who produces for me on the road, he hears this. He comes around the corner. He's like, What the fuck is going on? And this girl, she's drunk and she's in her little outfit. And she's like, No, no, no, we're cool. She's like, I just want to say hi. We have a party bus. The show is incredible. Do you want to hop on our party bus tonight? I'm like, Let me just put on a dry thong, okay? And so I ask her. I'm like, I'm going to walk her out. So I walk her out. Security, meanwhile, the reason security let her back is because I had bought a bunch of Chick-fil-A party platters full of Nuggets because I'm too nice. So all of security is hovered over these party platters. I'm like, Guys, I'm feeding the crew or whatever. They just let this woman back. She's like, Yeah. I just told them like, Hey, I'm here for Heather. I told her my name was Lane, and the next thing you know, I'm in your dressing room, smelling your underwear. I'm like, What the- Tight security.

-tight security.

-real tight security. But this is my fault. I didn't say, Hey, wait 30 minutes after the show, and then you guys can go home. I'm like, Here's snacks. I am the problem.

We had a guy do no. We had a guy break in in Dallas.

What happened?

Huge venue, by the way. That fucking place was huge. It had like 90 million security guards. What was it called? I don't even.

Remember the name of the school. Was it the really fancy one?

The majestic... Yeah, and it was like a fucking amphithater. It was absurd. I don't remember the name of it. But it was, you know what? I have to tell you just because I want because you might know.

I basically played the Stockyards in Fort Worth, which is also insane.

It was just one of those places where I knew... It was just so overwhelmingly large, like I thought, well, of course, someone could break into here because... You know what I mean? Here it's called... Oh, wow. What was that called, dude? I can't find it.

Oh, fuck.

It was massive. It was massive. Now, the majestic is a great venue. I've done that one. But anyway, I can't find where we were.

What.

Happened? This guy, I don't even know how we got back. I don't even know where we were when he was back there. But he basically comes running up and I thought he was maybe part of the crew. He's a little skinny, tiny little Asian guy. I was like, Oh, is he working with or whatever? He goes, Hey, I broke in.

Right out the gate.

I broke in. No, seriously. Then he goes, I snuck in. I snuck into this. I didn't even have a ticket. I broke into the venue and snuck backstage. Immediately we were like, Get somebody? One of the.

Security guards- You just start calling for a guy named Karl. Karl?

Well, there is always a Karl. Always a Karl. Security. What do you want? Come on, break. Then security came like and I'm running over and they accost him. I was like, You don't have to hurt him. He's not going to do anything. I was like, But this is not good. You guys. He broke into the venue and snuck back somehow. They were like, What the fuck is this all about? Then he says, I do this. This is what I do. That's his shtick. Yes. He breaks into venues for live shows that he likes and tries to get back. That's insane. I know, dude. He goes, I do this all the time. I was like, Why? He's like, It's fun. I want to see how many concerts I can break into without a ticket and get back stage. I was like, Does this work? He goes, It's never not worked. Then as they're not arresting him, but physically getting him out. -physically getting him out. I took a lot out of me, but I was like, It's good to meet you, man.

You.

Want a photo? It was impressive as shit. I was like, Fuck. I mean, I don't want to encourage it, but I was shocked he was able to get into that venue because it was so heavily secured. I mean, it was like every single corner. It looked like where they would do an athletic event and their security at every single fucking nook and cranny. This dude didn't even have a ticket and broke in. I was like, That's pretty impressive.

Women can get away with a lot more. I always thought that they did impractical jokers, but with women, how much more extreme it could be.

Then it'd be really practical, though.

It would be really fucking practical. But the shit that I could get away with, I mean, I see these women, they just can sweet talk their way through anything. I'm like, They could get away with.

Fucking murder. Well, if I'm a security guard and you come up to me and you say, Hey, I'm Heather's cousin, and I would most likely go, Yeah, I believe that. You look well put together. But a guy that's like, Can I go back there? You're like, Get the fuck out of here. I know them. Guys can never sell it. You know what I mean? Because every guy that wants to actually get back stage is this always ornery weirdo. But yeah, a woman who knows that she has just that confidence to get away with it. Yeah, I would let her go. I'd be like, Go ahead. You know, Heather.

My first year on tour, I basically started this like, every woman who's coming to my show started a charcuterie board business because people are like, What do you like on your writing? Honestly, I like a nice charcuterie board, some cheese, some meat, some salam, whatever. That's what I munch on backstage. Women would just show up with their homemade charcuterie boards, and venues would be like, We have 40 women outside with charcuterie boards. They would make little business cards on Vista Prant, Anne Marie's Charcuterie. They all just started a business that night. And that's how they thought that they would get back stage.

Yeah, but good for these girls. You got to keep trying, keep swinging. Smart. What is your rider now?

Is it a charcuterie board? I still like a charcuterie.

We do meat and cheese. We do meat and cheese and fruit. We always have that.

Nobody touches. Nobody touches it. We have a vegetable tray with a shitty hummus. Yeah, we do that. I do have a specific, like a nice Willamette Valley, Oregon Pina Noir. I do the Mountain Valley water. That's my jam. Listen, spring water and a glass bottle. Give it. Oh, my God. My nips are hard. That is fresh.

Elvis loved it, so I love it. He had these for every show. Of course he did. Yeah, that was his thing. He wanted it. By way of me saying I like Mountain Valley, our tour manager, this is very of her, though. She always has it in my hotel, too, which is really rad. She shows up early. It's very nice because I'm always like, I like bottled water, but I like glass bottle. I don't like bottles. I was like, It's not a big deal. I wrote it off like, It doesn't bother me. I couldn't care. I'll drink whatever.

You're not going to be a.

Dick about it. No, I don't care. But she loves it. She's like, I like it. It's specific and it's not expensive. It's not like I want something absurd because our backstage is pretty bare minimum. Because Bobby's sober. There's not a lot of drinking or anything. There's nothing going on. We get mean cheese, Mountain Valley water, and then I always like popcorn. I'm like a child.

I love popcorn, too. I always like popcorn. My favorite thing at the holidays is when you get the tin drum, it's just chalk full of chemicals. And I take my little finger and I go from the cheese to the butter to the caramel, and I put it all in my mouth and I just, oh.

Yeah, a little chipmunk. A little cheese and caramel chipmunk.

I love.

Sweet and savory. Now are you crazy enough to pull out the middle divider and let them mix or you keep them separate?

Absolutely. You're from Chicago. That's right, baby. And you all got that- Garrett's, baby. -garretts. The best. At the airport. Sometimes they'll do the white chocolate drizzle, and I'm just like, You all.

Are crazy. Drizzle me, baby. Drizzle me. I always pull out. My mom used to yell at me. She hated that. But I didn't like to divide her. I said, Let them mix. Let them mix. And you know what? That's why I'm a liberal and Euro-Democrat. I don't know. You're a Republican. I fucked it up. No, it is true. I always like to let them mix together because I hated the separation, especially if it's with sisters or siblings or friends. One side would always get overtaken.

It's usually the butter popcorn that nobody wants to touch. Nobody wants it, really. Nobody wants it. It's a chatter. I want it to be so like, electric neon that I can't get the dust off. Make it glow. I want.

To glow. Make it glow. Yeah. That's why I used to eat 7-11 macho cheese because it really did glow back in the day. When I used to get it when I used to live in West Hollywood, and that was my meals at night. I'd go get machos or chicken wings or whatever. I always really loved how glowsy it was. Only till I became an adult did I realize it's not real and it's.

Definitely killing you. It's 100 % killing you. Actually, I will say if somebody's like, What is your biggest fear? My biggest fear is fake cheese, but not the powdery. I don't know why. On the popcorn, I can handle it. Powder is fine. But the macho ballpark cheese, literally, I can't even think about it right now. I'm not well. But my biggest fear is craft singles. Craft singles, American cheese, in the plastic. Swear to God. Andrew, I swear to God. One of my girlfriends really fucked me up once in my sorority. She put a bunch of craft singles, unwrapped them and put them underneath my pillow. I went to lay down at night, I just felt them. I can't handle it.

It's like my buddy nick has a big aversion to mayonnaise. It physically makes him ill. Oh, it makes him ill. The smell of it makes him ill. When we were working together, it was so mean, we would take mayonnaise from the kitchen and we'd spread some of it inside of his backpack on the underside of his computer case. It was so fucking mean. Then he'd pull it out and be like, In the writer's room and he'd be like, What the fuck? It'd be all over his fingers. It was so fucking mean. But I was like, I don't know anyone that freaked out about mayonnaise that much, but he would have panic attacks about Mayo, and we'd spread it on the corners of his plate and he would fucking lose his mind. I don't have anything like that that gets me gaggy, except for when I was a kid, my mom used to make liver and onions and the smell of liver.

Yeah, I.

Can't fuck with that. Yeah, that fucks me up. If the smell of liver really makes.

Me yag. I worked in a lot of fine dining in New York, and so I can't do a foie gra, like everybody loves that shit. I can't, or a patay, I can't handle it because I used to serve that shit all the time. It just reminds me of being verbally abused by a lesbian chef somewhere in Hell's Kitchen. You know what I mean? Because I wouldn't date her. I'm like, I'm not into women.

Jack, you're gay. You're gay and you know it.

With those shoulders, Heather, you are fucking gay. No, I did work at one restaurant, and I worked in Boys Town in Hell's Kitchen. We had one of the first gay weddings, receptions in New York, this is back in 2009. All the other gay guys that worked in the restaurant told this gay couple that worked there that I was trans. And so the couple, they came. It was months later that nobody had told me that the whole restaurant told this couple that had their wedding at our restaurant that I was trans. One of the guys was saying at the bar, he's like, I just want you to know it's really incredible to see what you've done. And I was like, What? Stop. Tyler, what are you talking about? He's like, Well, we know. Chris and Dom told us. I was like, What? They're like, Your work is just really good. Because I have a deep voice, broad shoulders, big tits. I am not. I was like, I am 100 % as you did.

Okay, who's.

Your doctor? Exactly. Then when you double down, when you try and say, No, I am a woman. Look at this pussy. They're like, Okay.

All right, sweetheart. Then they look at it, they're like, Yeah, that is.

Really good. That is nice.

That's some of the best work I've ever seen.

Yes.

In here.

We pour whiskey.

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Conditions apply. Ginger. I like Gingers.

That pranking people with that shit where you don't know that they're fucking with you behind your back and you find out a long time later. Big payoffs like that are really smooth. The best. I really like that.

I also, you know Grinder for gay? Man, of course, I know Grinder.

Do you know Grinder? I'm not on Grinder. I'm not on it. The big red Rocket, 4216.

Yeah, come Dumpster 69 right here. I became addicted to Grinder and these other gay guys that I worked with were finally... Okay, when Grinder came out, it was in the beta phase when I was living in Hell's Kitchen in New York. This is back in '09. This is probably why they did this to me because I got addicted to Grinder. I download the app and all these guys that would come in, I would be on the app. They didn't know. I use a Ralph Lauren model as my avatar. And so these guys, my customers, it would be like, Big dick, Daddy, 43. It would show you the distance. It's three feet away. So I was having fucking around with these guys. I just wanted free dick picks. You know what I mean? Yeah, why not? And a gay penis is always nice, smooth, trimmed, all that. Clean, for sure. And I would lay in my apartment and I would just talk to these guys all the time. And then finally got around my coworkers were like, Heather, you can't be on this app. This is for gay men. We're testing this app out. So they had an intervention and I had five of my gay besties sit me down.

They're like, You're addicted to grinder, and you need to stop. So then finally I had to let everybody know as me, and I sent photos of my tits to everyone. Yeah, but.

That's a nice exchange. You pay them back a little bit. Yeah, I did. You got a lot of nice dick picks, though.

I got a.

Lot of nice dick picks. Did you save any of them?

Yes, I have. They're on an old iPad that I don't know how to turn on, but I'll find them.

Jeff can't find them. They're titled something like nail polish colors I love. Actually, I have a secret folder of nudes that my wife sent me, and I forgot what I named it. It was on a drive. Then I opened the drive. Like tax documents. It just said baseball stuff, which is so fucking dumb because I wasn't hiding it from her because she sent them to me. But I was hiding because I was like, I don't want someone to find this drive and then find it somehow. But I titled baseball stuff, which I thought, if I'm a guy, I'm clicking on baseball stuff.

As one would.

Yeah, what the fuck? That's why I don't want to have find it. So baseball stuff is right. I'd be like, What baseball stuff is this what I look at that. Finally, I had to remove them, put them on something else. But those old photos that you get from your loved one, what can you do with them at some point? I found all.

My nudes on Jeff's iPad the other day. Immediately, when I first started to look through, and I don't care if he looks at born or whatever, I got pissed because I was like, Who the fuck is this? Then I looked at her. I was like, Okay, yeah, I know them all. That's me. He's like, They're you, Heather. I was like, But also you just leave your iPad in your golf locker at the fucking country club and shit. As one does, I was like, You need to-.

Let the boy.

See it. They're not in a folder. What I'm trying to say is, honey, mine aren't in a folder. You need to lock it down, okay?

Jeff, I want to see baseball stuff on an iPad folder for you very soon. Just write Heather's baseball stuff.

I am one of those people, though. I look way better just fully naked than if I'm trying to send you a laundromat shot. You know what I mean? It just looks good. I am a Renaissance woman. I just need to be laying out just titties up.

Pay me like one of your French girls. Exactly. Well, that's funny you say that because I watched that show, The Nude, the naked attraction or whatever it's called, where they start naked. I'm obsessed with that. Well, you know what's insane? What? I mean, a lot of these people have very nice bodies and all different kinds of bodies. But the fascinating thing is they show you them with clothes on at the end, and they don't give it a lot of time. I'm more interested in that because a lot of them, they were so beautiful naked and there was clothes on. You're like, Yeah, terrible fucking fashion. They look like shit. I was like, That would deter me so much. I had no idea how beautiful your nudity was because the fashion was.

Dog shit. Terrible. Like 2002. Yeah, it's.

So weird. It's a brand new show, but you see some of the outfits you're like, What the fuck? But then you think, Who is willing to get butt naked on TV like that?

Not somebody, a maxinista. You know what I mean? Not somebody who's crushing a Sachsford Avenue in the latest or Hitting Supreme with the latest streetwear.

Right, that's what I thought.

They're like, What am I getting paid for this show? $100? I show my weiner. All right, I'm in. You got it. You got it.

Well, there was one guy. This guy had such a nice pipe, and he had elephant ears and.

Elephant tuss. I picked that guy. I just watched this with Jeff the other night, and I was like, I'm not into that's not my vibe. I already knew he was going to be the tribal tack guy. I knew he was going to have the dreads. I just already knew. But I said, At least give me something to talk about. It's fun. I wanted to go with the elephant, Titus.

Penus Man. I liked it. Yeah, the elephant trunk was... Because some of the other guys have just regular cool penises, and it's a big fucking deal. If I went on that show, I would shave my pubes in some fun fashion that at least gives someone- To say hello. Well, they're already orange, which to me, I guess that's a trigger. But honestly, I do it in the thing that gave you. That's the guy with the.

Elephant's penis. He's beautiful. Look at those piercing blue eyes. I mean, this guy was so great and they ended up linking up.

But that's it. Look at it. He had an elephant, elephant ears, and tusks.

She had a great body, too.

She had a great teenage. I mean, I see that's the thing. They all do. I haven't seen too many of not so good bodies because you got to have a lot of balls to get on that fucking show anyway.

Yeah, it's so awkward, though, when they get rejected. She's like, All right, I'm going to cancel Blue. The guy comes out and then she sees her face and then they just awkwardly hug. It is so fucking bizarre.

They shouldn't hug.

They should not hug. They should never hug.

It is really sad to see one guy I paid attention to a little bit too close, and this is weird of me, but I don't care. Yeah, but I'm ready for it. His penis got smaller as the time went on because I'm sure his insecurity was like- Like shrinking in. Yeah, it was like. I'm sure he was getting more like, nervous or uncomfortable. At the beginning, he had a hangar, and then it got smaller. By the time he got rejected, it was like, comical. I was like, That's so weird. He got so tense and-I know I fucked up about her getting to see his face that his dick went back and recoiled into his body.

But also think about it. In that studio, it's probably freezing, too.

I would be just tugging on it just to try.

To get some blood to it. I was wondering about that. I was wondering what the guys had to do to prep.

Well, you got to do something. Also, I would say keep it a little bit warmer because colder you get, the harder it is for us to keep any blood down there. But yeah, I'd just be smacking it. When they go to break, I'd just be holding onto the head and just Banjo on that thing. But I know.

There was a famous strip club. It recently closed, rest in peace. It's called Swinging Richards in Atlanta, and it was an all-male strip club. You would walk in and the first thing you'd see is this guy named the hammer, and he would just be doing the fucking helicopter. The biggest cock you've ever seen in your life. My sister, she's a criminal defense attorney, so she represented a lot of the dancers because they get DUIs or whatever. We would go in there on a Wednesday and she's meeting with a client or whatever. I'm in there and I'm just literally like, she's talking business with this guy who's just fucking hog is out. All the other women would get so jealous because like, How are you getting attention? She's like, No, I'm his attorney. Let me relax. But I would then get drunk and I'd somehow get their number. My sister told one of these guys, she's like, Hey, why don't you run security for my sister? She's on the road.

Yeah, we need it. You got a big dick.

We need security. Yeah, and then I ended up cash-tapping this guy once, $50, because nobody believed me how big this dick was. I literally meant like, I'm in Italy with my husband at dinner. Jeff, you don't understand this guy's dick was so big. He's like, Okay, other... I ended up texting the guy and I was like, $50 cash. Send me your dick. I sent him a Cinema Cash app. Then I'm just like, What are you doing? We're on vacation.

I'm just proving to you how big his.

Dick was. I'm letting you know that this man will probably run security for me.

That's his resume? That's his resume. Just send a picture of your cock. We'll decide how tough you are from there. But see, I would say maybe you want a guy with a small penis. He probably has a lot to prove.

He does have a lot to prove.

Small dick security feels like he's ready to fight everybody. Big dick, he's comfortable in his own skin. Big dick security is letting the fucking girl go backstage. Go ahead. I got a big dick. I'm meeting Chick-fil-A.

There was one guy that would come out and his whole shtick that he was a Georgia Tech student, and he would just come out literally these grandad new balances, and he'd take his jeans off, and he had the tiniest penis ever, and the whole audience was just like, Oh, Yay. It would just clap. His whole shtick was that he was like a Sigma Chi from Georgia Tech, and he would just in his new balances and take off his Patagonia. Little tiny guy. But everyone gave him so much money. I was like, He knew what he.

Was doing. See, that is the thing. That's one of those tricks where you see you go to a male strip club, everyone has to be well endowed to even want to work there. The little penis guy is actually the genius. So smart. Yeah, because.

That's a venture.

Entrepreneur. That's a.

Good trick. That's a.

Great trick. Right. That's a great trick. I haven't seen that.

One before. Honestly, women like a really big dick, a skinny gal.

It's too big. It's too big. Yeah, it's absurd.

It's absurd. Medium dick.

But have you ever had a micro penis?

You ever experienced that? I have experienced that. You really have? Yeah, I did. It was in college once, and I was very drunk.

What did you do?

You pat him on the head? It's one of those things where you're not really paying attention to what's going on. Then you're like, Oh, it's in. It's not in. You're just like, Oh, I'm just getting dry, hummed. But it's like sophomore year. Yeah, you've never experienced this. It must be nice.

That's awesome. Well, for the guy, it's just that you can't.

Do anything about it. They always say, if anybody has a really tiny dick, they always say, Don't worry, I'm going to get you off. You're like, I'm good.

I'm good. I'm going to get off.

I'm going to go. I'm just going to go. I'm going to get a hot dog on the way home and just go. I'm just hungry now. I got to get out.

Of here. I'll eat half that hot dog. Throw the other half inside of me, and I'll be fine. Exactly. I'll be back to the house, pal. I've never been to an all-male strip club. We did get invited, though. They're fun. We got invited to go to Thunder Down Under. We got a VIP invitation from- I.

Don't even know if that's real new. Are they fully nude?

I don't know. I have no idea. But one of the dancers is a big fan and invited us to go and gave us like, I'll give you the... When we go to Vegas, apparently we're supposed to go to this. But maybe it's not. I thought it was a.

Fully nude. It may be. One of the tricks that one of the guys had at this place in Atlanta, this guy had a huge penis. He would walk down the runway, if you will, and then he would take a woman's drink with a straw. This woman had a Diet Coke, a regarding Diet Coke. He would take his penis and then he would release the straw. The straw is full of Diet Coke, and he would release it down his penis, and she would just sit there at the end. With her mouth open. That was the shtick. I remember sitting there on a Wednesday at 2:00 PM because my sister was doing work, and I was like, What the fuck is happening? I don't get it. I don't get horny for male strippers.

I don't-Well, I don't think... Anytime I remember, look athunner, down, under. They do not, however, reveal their male private parts.

What are we doing? I want to see don.

Yeah, that's bullshit. We'll go to a real strip club while we're down there.

But I also growing up in Atlanta, like everything.

Yeah, you're the strip club hub.

We got it. We got Magic City. We got Magic City, the Clare Ma, Lounge. We're doing it. I thrive in a strip club because I always get a lot of attention from the dancers because they always come up to me. They'll always come up to me. I have a very familiar face. Even if they don't know me in comedy, they're always like, Do we work together? I don't know why. I get treated very well by the dancers.

At strip clubs. You have an inviting presence.

Such an inviting presence.

Yeah, you're blonde. You have this pretty face. And as a woman wants to see another woman, that's a familiar thing. Instead of a creepy dude, you know what I mean? That's work. But it is... This is fun.

It is always. We used to work together, and then I'm like, I'm showing my name plate necklace. I'm like, No, just another Heather who's got a smoky voice.

Did you use a DJ here?

You're the DJ. I sure was.

I've been to a bunch over the years. I don't get out of it what I think everybody does. I don't love it. I just like to go have a drink, be with people that are there. But I'm usually the first one to be like, It's not as fun for me. I don't know what it is. I just.

Don't care. My husband also doesn't like them. I know a bunch of guys are like, Okay, yeah, Shree doesn't like me. He's like, Why would I just spend a bunch of money to go home with a half job? He's like, I don't get it. It's a.

Little weird. It's a little weird. I'm good. There's something that's fun with the group of people that's cool.

We're partying, we're having a laugh. We're drinking.

But it's like you and one other person, it's weirdly sad. You look over at your buddy who's too drunk and thumbing through 20s. You're like, I got to get the fuck out of here. What are we doing? Let's just go back to the casino. That's how I always feel. Let's go back to the other thing. At least there it's.

Less embarrassing. We get.

Chicken tethers. Yeah, we can snack. At least there we can snack here. That's what people do eat at strip clubs in California because they have to serve food if they serve booze at the topless places.

Yeah, you can't go. There's no alcohol to places that are fully bottomless.

Bottomless, you can't.

Too many rules in California.

It's silly. I know for you guys, it's no rules.

No rules. You're pussy popping in a handstand while eating a rack of ribs and Gucci maines behind you. We're just like, it's like Easter.

It's.

A buddy.

It's a buddy. It's a buddy.

I.

Love that shit. That is true, though. It is more wild in the south because it's a cultural thing, though, too. L. A. Is very conscious of everything. So even the strip clubs here are very like, they feel very regulated and rule heavy. They're shit.

They're shit. And people are just insecure. I mean, the Clermont Lounge is one of the most famous strip clubs in Atlanta. It's like, We're strippers going to die, right? There's somebody always pregnant who comes out and dances to Night and Jail. It's like, I want to book you like an animal. You're just smoking Cigs in there, drinking out of little medicine cups that they serve you like Jägermeister in. You're just like, I'm like, I'm home, baby. That's what I like. I like the show.

Yeah, that's what you like. You're willing to spend your money on that.

Absolutely. Yeah, I'm shooting the special in Atlanta next week. Everyone who's coming in, they're like, Are you taking us to Clermont Lounge? I'm like, Yeah, we're shutting the place down.

You should rent it out.

We're doing it. Yeah, that's the move. And then they got a great hot dog situation outside. That's where I come alive. I am a Broadway gal, but I also love a little pregnant stripper and a little jäger. It's fun. I'm versatile.

When you shoot your special, is this going to be another Netflix special? What are you doing? Are you doing something secretive.

With it? Can I be honest with you? I don't actually really know how it works because I did it with Netflix. I'm self-producing it. But I think contractually, I think they get to have eyes on it first.

Sure. They get the first.

Look or whatever. Yeah, they get the first look. But I'm just doing it on my own. I didn't want to wait around and I'm just.

Let's fucking go. You should. That's good for you. Shoot your shot. I just feel like now everyone should own their own shit anyway. -true. -license it to them and then move forward. I think it's all changing so much. Like Bargatsy did a... He's been with Netflix for three, four specials or whatever then he went over to Amazon. Because it's a new world, if they're all changing, if this fucking studios, all this stuff, if they're changing the way they're doing things both financially and program wise, well, we should have been able to do our shit our way, too. Totally agree. Because for a long time, we couldn't.

Thank God for stand up, too, right? Obviously, I'm in all the unions, so respect that. But it's so nice to be. I'm like, I've been in developmental deals forever with networks because I'm writing sitcoms and all this shit. It's so nice to just be able to get out, put some asses, put some pussies in some seats, and do what the fuck I want to do. Yeah, it's fun. I am so sick of waiting on these executives and they're like, Well, we're waiting on Susan to read a script. I'm like, Well, who the fuck is Susan? Where does she live? She's either in rehab-.

She's in the Maldives.

She's in the Maldives. I'm like, Well, I'll be in the Maldives because I'm trying to thrive.

Susan, read the fucking script.

Exactly. Read the fucking script, Susan.

Yeah, they don't. Well, that's the thing is a part of them keeping their jobs is largely balancing schedules. They don't want to make sure they're thumbing through something quickly because then it looks like they're not doing anything. If they can have... It's almost like... Have you ever seen those video games or those iPhone games? It's almost like Whac-A-Mole, where if they can make a plate just in enough time to serve the next person, it's easier than to do that, than to focus energy, try to make something, and then move on. I found that process is never, never ending.

It's exhausting. And then, of course, I'm doing the press for the special and shooting the next one next week. And now all of a sudden, it's like, We need a script in two days. And I said, You guys can fucking wait. Yeah, go fuck off. I am tired. I'm going to go do what I got to do that I know is guaranteed, and then you'll.

Get it. Right. And also, are you writing it all by yourself?

I have a writing partner for television.

Yeah. Well, that's a hard thing, too, when they're like, Can you get this turnaround quickly? You're like, You didn't do anything quickly. Why don't I have.

To fucking turn around? I've been waiting around for three years, and now all of a sudden, it's hot because my face is on Netflix.

Okay. But that is what it is. They see you on there. That's all that movement stuff that they're like, She's hot right now. It's like, Well, she's been good, but you just see her more. So now.

You're- Now my tits are in your face on the home screen.

Which is the name of your new special, My Tits are in your face.

It is, My tits are in your face. And it is I'm doing a top list, and I'm very.

Excited about it. I'm doing mine bottomless. Oh, my God. Fun. Yeah, but I have to do this the whole time. That's why I throw up my back.

Practicing a windmill. Let's talk about Biden.

Let me say something about Sleepy Joe. Do you have a name for the new special or you don't.

Know yet? I do. Right now, working title is Breadwinner.

Breadwinner? Yeah. Oh, very good.

Because I love a costume, I like to get on stage and feel like I'm ready to go. It's showtime. So the vibe for that is Cardi B meets Dolly Parton and a little Eddie Murphy-Raw.

Oh, I.

Like that. Yeah, I'm excited.

Wait, no, not Raw, Delirious. We went and played in DC. That's where he did Delirious. We did that at the Constitutional Dontes of the Revolution. It felt so weird being in that theater when you play those theaters that these other people that you love have done. You're like, Wow, that's fucking something about it. It's so.

Fascinating that you're.

Like, I can't believe we're up here doing our bullshit. Bobby showing his asshole, where Eddie Murphy did delirious. It's one of those things where it's beautiful to be there, but it also it's surreal. Do you know what I mean?

100%.

We're here.

That's fucking nuts. I did Radio City this summer, and it was the most out of body. I literally was like, What the fuck? I was walking in, place is sold out. I'm like, This is the biggest moment I've dreamed about this as a kid. I was like, I should not be here. Literally, my husband had to shake me. He was like, You're going to be great. He's like, Put on that fucking glitter suit. Hit me in the twot. I was like, Please welcome Heather, Big Man. I was like, I just got punched in the pussy. Let's go tell some jokes. Little tap, tap.

Little tap, tap. That encourages you to get out there and have some fun.

Yeah, but it wasn't until three weeks later, I was like, I woke up in bed and I looked at him. I was like, Did that happen? He's like, Yeah. Did you block out? I was like, Yes, I.

Absolutely blocked out. You try your best, but it's hard. That's so cool. Yeah, revolution. It is hard to just kissing little Filipino men. That's our show.

That's it.

The Breadwinner, I'm sure, is going to be amazing, but also for the fans out there that haven't seen your special that's available already right now on Netflix, who knows where the next one will be. Watch that.

One right now. It may just be streaming at the local strip club.

I don't know. Probably playing somewhere. Somewhere. Yeah. Son, I never had.

Son, I never had.

Yeah, son, I Never Had. Son I Never Had. Yeah, Son I Never Had. And the breadwinner may be coming out soon. Who the fuck knows? And you're going to keep touring until you die. And I will be at your funeral playing tapes of you doing self tapes for roles that you never got.

I can't wait. And then I will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you pull these videos out of the archive, I will fucking haunt you and I will take a shit on you. I would dump on your chest every day, metaphorically.

I'm into.

Chiaza stuff, so.

Be careful. I knew you were. Go see Heather live right now. One of my favorite people to talk to. You're so fucking funny.

I'm so hungover today. I hope that was okay. No, you killed. What do you mean? Was this okay? I'm sorry. I'm out of it.

I think it was so good. Good. But we learned a bunch of lessons today. Most importantly, Jeff, hide those nudes, my guy.

Hide those nudes. You really got to hide those nudes. And also, send more videos of you drinking off to Andrew.

Yeah, please. Because I got to do something during my fucking shitty day. When I'm in physical therapy, I do look at your stuff, Jeff. His golf shit? It helps me get through. It helps me get through. What's her website?

It's-heatherontour. Com. -heatherontour. Com. Go see her live. We end the episode the same way. You look into that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase whenever you're ready. Take your time if you need it. Go ahead.

One word or one phrase. Be the you today you want to be tomorrow, but don't be a cunt.

In here, we.

Pour.

Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that.

Creature in the a ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like the ginger gene is.

A curse.

Ginges are beautiful. You owe me five dollars.

For the.

Whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse. Ginges. Oh, hell no.

This.

Whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like ginges.