In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Wheezy Dooner. My guest, it is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Preacher Lawson in the house. He's born black. He's black, you all. He's bliggity black, and that's black, you all.

Yeah, I'm black. You know it's funny? We're talking about me being black and me being 33. I look old.

No, you don't, bro.

Bro, it's okay, man. Don't do this.

Do you really think you look Bro, everyone thinks I look old. Well, here's the problem with you. You're big and you're in great shape. So big guys are always going to look a little bit older. Skinny little twerpy weirdos like that, they don't have muscle mass, so they look boyish. You look like a man. Yeah. By the way, this is a good thing. Okay, good. I've looked 40 since I was 20. Okay, good. And now I'm finally 40, and people are like, Oh, are you 40? I'm like, Yeah, finally.

I caught up.

When I was in my mid 20s, people thought mid 30s. I've always had an older face, but also because I'm not a skinny little tiny guy. Tiny guys get away with being young forever. You're a big dude. Yeah. It's a blessing, though.

I told a girl I was 45. She goes, Okay.

Oh, no. That's pretty bad. Yeah.

That's bad, man. She didn't fight it. She wasn't like, No, you're not.

Are you single? You're still now?

Yeah.

Well, so that's- I think forever, bro. Really?

Bro, I do not know how I'm going to find it at all. Why? You're a good-looking dude.

You're successful. What's holding you back?

That's what I'm saying. I think I look good. I think I'm successful. I don't have any kids.

What's going to hold you back What do you think?

That's what I'm saying. I don't know what it is. You know how some people are like, No, you're going to find someone. I don't think I'll find someone. I'm serious. You think this is it. I don't think I'm going to find anyone. I used to be really good. It used to be easier dating when I wasn't on TV. And then now that I have a little bit of money, it's just weird. I don't know where I'm going to meet them. I'm not going to meet them on the road. I'm not going to date a fan. That's weird.

Well, right. You're saying it's not organic anymore. They're going to know you.

Yeah, it's just weird. Everybody's attracted now. And so I think that it just makes it complicated. It used to be like everyone's attractive.

It's just too much. Do you think everybody's hot or you think it's just the Internet makes everybody think that they're hot?

I think both. Really? Right?

You don't think so? No, I think we I live in Los Angeles, and that's hard. You go to New York and LA and major big cities. I think, yeah, there's a lot of attractive people trying to get into whatever industry you get into.

I was in Hickory, North Carolina last week. That's my sport. There were some bangers.

What were you doing in Hickory?

I was doing just a show. Just a I was doing a show. I was doing a show.

That's such a random place to do a show.

I know, but random places, I do really well. You do? Yeah. In Hickory. These LA, New York areas, I don't do well in these areas.

Well, is that because of Of AGT?

Yeah, I just feel like my audience are regular people. They're just regular. They watch TV or I don't know. If you're like, What's that? Then I'll probably say, Well, you know? I'm like, I've never heard that place. It's sold out for me.

What's the color palette of the room?

Well, it's mixture. It's America. So it's majority white. Then it's Black people, Hispanic people, Asians.

But it's nice, though, if you can touch all the bases That's the goal, right? Because a lot of times a black comic will get in deep in the game and they have only black audiences. And then they'll cater to it, and then they barely get a white audience and vice versa. Most white comics don't know how to dip their toes into a black pool. Black pool, not a lot of them. We'll be right back. No. But a lot of boy comics don't know how to do that. And so then it becomes you naturally start to just go to where your audiences have continued to grow.

What are your audiences?

I'm pretty mixed. I would say in West Coast, it's a lot of Latinos. Mexicans love of us. Yeah. Yeah. And I love Mexicans. Mexican, white, and some black. But I would say because of bad friends in our audiences, organic growth online, out here Copy my dad. Sorry. They love that shit.

I just think that's the funny thing.

Here's why I like Latinos and why I think they like us. They're a race of people that have, to me, the best sense of humor that take the piss out of themselves, don't mind that shit could be considered offense, whatever you want to say. I don't like that word.

There's no cancel culture for Latino.

Yeah. Well, it's just because they know that it's all in jest, and they don't have that moment of, should that make me feel a type of way? No, it's meaning It's endless. It's comedy. If it was said to you on the street by someone, it's a different world. But I think that for some reason, Latinos, Mexican, specifically, they like us because they feel like we're not shooting at people. We're just fucking around. I think they understand how fake it is. That's not your heart. Because sometimes white audiences will get crazy stiff over stuff that you're like, what are you talking about? And they're getting offended for someone that's not there. You're like, what are you upset about? So I don't know. I think Latino and white dominant, but we have a good Black audience, too. But it's hard to move out of what is growing for you. So for you with AGT, it's probably a lot of white middle-aged to older people.

It's a lot of married couples. Married couples, yeah. Yeah. That's another reason why I'm single family.

Yeah, you're not going to get any ass from that. I never.

I don't know people. It's a bunch of married people. If they're single, it's always someone's drunk Auntie after the show. That's not my preference. But I remember talking to someone else, a black comedian. They were like, Do you want more black people to come to your show? And I'm like, I just want people that like me.

Yeah, I don't care who it is.

I don't care who it is. If it's all white people, which is not, then it's all white people. That's who likes me. But I can't change your- You're not going to change your material either to fit a certain group of people.

Yeah, exactly. That is funny to go to a little small town USA and kill it, though. We're going to get you a girl from this show. There's got to be a fan out there that wants you. You're 6 what?

6'4. 6'4. I'm lying.

I know. I know. Let it sit. 6'4. 6'4 to 10?

I'm 205.

205, yeah. Yeah, 205. Gainfully employed, has his own place.

Yes.

Do you rent or do you own?

I have a house in Atlanta.

Okay, we just also keep lying.

I have a house in Florida as well. I keep forgetting about my house in Malibu. Yeah, I got a few of them.

Would you have a house in Atlanta? Yeah. Why Atlanta?

Because I moved to Atlanta and it was so cheap. I just bought a giant house. And I was like, I'm just going to stay in Atlanta because it's 2020 and everything else is closed and LA is never coming back. And then I was in Atlanta and I was like, oh, I think I don't like it here. And so I left. But I just turned to an Airbnb. So it's an Airbnb and so I want to go back.

So you just got over Atlanta?

Yeah. I don't like Atlanta. To me, Atlanta, I grew up in Memphis. So Atlanta, to me, is just a really nice version of Memphis.

Much nicer. Much nicer. Memphis is tough.

It is.

We had a tough time in Memphis.

Oh, you were in Memphis? When?

We had a tough time. How long ago was that? I don't even know. A little over a year. No, almost a year. Almost a year.

Tell me why it was tough.

Well, the venue we played was not good. We played at Elvis's. They don't have any comedy clubs.

They have the Chuckle Hut, right? Which is, I think, that's an all-black room, and it's one of the... Whatever.

We played at a theater. We played a theater on Elvis's, on the Graceland's campus. I don't even know. 3,000, something like that, like 2500, something like that. It was like a Ted Talk room. Yeah, it was awful. And the audience was a little disconnected for some reason from us. And then during the day, I was like, I want to go get something to eat. And the guy was like, oh, okay, what would you like? And I said, no, we'll just take a walk. There's a little sandwich spot up the road. And the guy's like, we wouldn't want our performers walking. They told us not to walk. By the way, we did anyway. And it was wonderful. I had a great meal. It was a nice Black-owned business, supporting local Black-owned businesses. God bless. And also they treated us great. They were so nice. Everything was smooth and cool. There was no beef. There was no like, nothing was going on where I felt, oh, man, maybe we shouldn't be out here. But I think they were projecting that so hard on us that it gets into the minds of the culture. I feel like people then are like, you don't want to go over there.

It was in the middle of the day. There was nothing. Look, I'm from Chicago. I know that there's areas that I definitely probably don't go to. This didn't feel like that.

That's the same with It's like they're just places you don't go.

But this didn't feel that way. It didn't feel that threatening. The neighborhood was a little bit on the other side. It was a little torn up. There was a lot of boarded up homes, but I didn't feel at any moment- That means that food was fired. Yeah, it was good. It was really good food.

It was. Until I feel like I'm in danger, the food is like, it's the best.

Well, I've had that twice where I feel like I might have been in the wrong neighborhood. Where did I go for a long run? We were in Raleigh. No, We were in Durham. We were in Durham. And nice area, great place, great crowds. And I went for a long run, and I used to run 5-7 miles. That's crazy, by the way. I love it.

Are you doing a 5K next week?

I don't do any of that stupid shit. You're not going to catch me with a bunch of goof balls running. No, I like to run by myself with headphones. You know what I mean? That's my clearance time. I want to clear out. I don't want to be near other people.

Like get the runners high.

I don't like to I don't want to... You have to go this path. I just run until I'm done running. I clock it on my phone. I pick up the path, usually ahead of time. I go, I'll go around this thing and come back, and I'll do the math on it. It'll say four and a half, five miles. So that's how I do it. And then I just guess. Well, I ran outside of Durham, and I kept running. I was about three and a half miles away from where we were, and I made a right turn, and I was by a cemetery. And then it started to hit me that I was like, I don't know if I should be over here. It slowly creeped in. I was like, I should run back.

You started running backwards.

Yeah. I'm going backwards looking over my own back. I just felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. But Memphis just wasn't a weird city for us. We enjoyed it, but it was just unusual, man.

I don't know how to explain it. Yeah, super unusual. I mean, but like- Gun shots? Heard a couple of clapping? Yeah, I remember being in a, I thought it was a nice area and then seeing a drive, a drive I'd by. And I was like, Is this happening right now? As a kid? It's crazy. Yeah, as a kid.

How many years did you live there in Memphis?

When I was nine, I moved down there. When I was 13, I went back to Oregon. And I came back when I was 14. So 15, 16, I moved to Bristol. Came back when I was 17, 18, 19. And you went to Oregon? Yeah, I was born in Oregon. Really? Yeah, I'm really not from anywhere. I just picked Memphis because that's most of my- Are you a military kid or something? No, my mom, she just moved when she got uncomfortable, I think.

Oh, good. Oregon to Atlanta or Oregon to Memphis, I mean. It's a big jump.

It is. I think we moved to Memphis because it was more black people.

Yeah. Well, there's significantly more than Oregon. I think there's seven or eight black people in Oregon. We have a count on them. Can we get that counter pulled up?

I left, so there's probably six or seven. Right. Yeah.

But- Portland or outside of it?

That's crazy. It was outside. It was in Newberg.

That's even more white.

I was the only Black person in my school.

How did your mother end up there?

My mom, she was born in Rosary, some part of California. But as a family, they moved to Sherwood. I remember my grandma has a newspaper because they were in the newspaper because they were the first Black family being Sherwood, Oregon.

Really?

They were in the newspaper.

We got one. Yeah.

That's insane. So they moved to Sherwood, Oregon, and then I just was born there. But we moved around a lot.

Do you know your old man? You talked to him?

My dad? Yeah. No, I don't know what he looks like.

So she got pregnant, moved to Oregon without him.

I think she got pregnant outside of Oregon. I think she got pregnant because he was in the military.

So you were a military kid, whether you know it or not.

Yeah, I guess I was a military kid.

Could you apply for USAA and still get it? I don't know my dad, but I do know he served.

I know, right? Yeah. I didn't think about that. He knows who I am.

Do you have no communication with him?

I don't know what he looks like. I know. I've never spoken. Do you have any desire to? No, it's too late now. I did when I was younger. I really wanted to when I was younger. And then I got to around. Even when I first got on America's Got Town, I was always going to... Because this is such a major show, I was like, he's going to see it, which I'm sure he knows my name is Preacher. So unless he's dead, he knows I exist and is too embarrassed to talk, which I get it. What's the point? What are you going to tell me? What are you going to teach me?

It's too late now. What if he just says, I'm proud of you, and that's it. What if he just wants to connect and say, I'm proud of you?

Get out of my face with that, bro. Are you kidding me? My fans are proud of me. Get out of here, man. There's nothing he could tell me.

I understand. I feel that. Well, there is a thing that happens. Do you know your dad? Well, yes, I do You know my father, but my dad wasn't in my life as a young person because my dad was in prison, in another prison when I was a kid. Oh, really?

Can I ask for what?

Yeah. Drugs, minor offenses. I mean, he just collected them. He was an addict. So when you're an addict, you collect offenses. That's Pokémon for addicts is jail time. Collect them all. So he would continue to get in trouble with the law until he got himself together. But that was the formidable years of my life. He wasn't there. So we don't have that relationship. Relationship where now we're just two men, which I think we understand. We don't speak much, but we're just two men. So I get what you're saying where it's like, what would we talk about now? We don't quite know each other.

How did that affect you?

Well, I'm a famous comedian. And so it worked out a little bit. No, no. I think it just... Well, it did a lot to me as a kid. It makes you feel like... You probably felt like, why doesn't this dude want to know me? And then you get older and you realize I realize everybody has issues. Everybody is jacked up. Including us. Yeah. And he was going through shit. And so I don't excuse it, but I get it.

You understand it.

I do understand it. Yeah. I just think you get older and I'm 40 now, so it's like, I don't have the like, My daddy didn't want. Also, I had a guy that married me.

You ever hear someone complain about that? So in your age? Yeah, that's crazy. Talk about their parents. It's like, Bro, it's too late.

Yeah, it's late. What are you doing about? They're gone soon, by the way, so get over. Yeah. Also, I had a stepfather who raised me who was a phenomenal man, who was a great man to my mom and changed my family's life. So I feel so blessed in that regard that I don't really harbor any hate or resentment It's really the same thing for the other thing because it's like, I got the best version of this. I had another dude come along who stepped up and was a man who married a woman with a fucking kid. And I think about that. All my friends that are dating women with young children from another relationship. It's a big point of contention. They're like, I don't know. She has a kid. Bobby's single, and he says that. He's like, Oh, this one girl I was talking to had a kid. And you don't realize how big of an impact you could really have on a child. So I think it's a big deal to take the reins of somebody else's child. You got to be a real fucking man about that. That's a man move.

I think that I'm there now, where I'm like, Oh, she can have a kid. That's how long I've been single.

Also, you're grown enough and smart enough where the love of this person would help you come to terms of the fact that it's like, well, if I love this person, I could probably support and love this thing, too. Why not?

And honestly, when a girl has a dog, I feel the same way.

Yeah. Well, that's one of the same children and dogs. Same shit. You don't have any animals? No, you travel too much. No, I travel. Yeah, too much. Get yourself a dog, dude. Bro, I can't. A dog will do something to your heart.

But then I'll have to take it with me.

Or you have a friend watch it. There's always someone willing to watch a dog. I said this to all of our friends. When someone's like, I don't have time for them dog, someone will watch the dog. Almost no one goes, I don't know why they die. They'll watch the dog. He'll leave it with this kid. We put everything on him. He'll watch it. He'll do anything. He's young. He's 24. He'll do anything.

24, bro.

Yeah, it's disgusting. That's crazy. I know. You're only two years older than this guy.

Yeah, I'm only two years.

So the old man wasn't there. You moved around, then you went to Atlanta. And after Atlanta, And then after the pandemic, you told me off air that you started boozing hard.

Oh, before Atlanta, I was an alcoholic. Oh, you were? Oh, my gosh. I love alcohol. Me, too. I love it.

It was more than a romance. This was- Yeah.

I'm like, I can't think of too many things I like more than alcohol. I just love drinking, bro. Me, too. Yeah, it's the best. So that's why I had to stop. You had to quit.

Because I was like, this is great. Yeah. It's too good. Yeah. So how long have you been off the sauce?

A couple of years.

Are you in the program now or are you No, I feel like anything I want to do, I have control.

That's the same with the alcohol. I feel like I can drink as much as possible. I can have 30 shots and be fine. Which is the problem because I'm not fine. Because I have 30 shots, I'm like, give me the keys. I'm good, baby. I wouldn't do it. But I just felt like there was no issue. I remembered everything that happened. People would be like, oh, I blacked out. Not me. At 11:35, Live. I just remember everything. So I never thought that was an issue. And then one time I blacked out. And that's when I was like, oh, I don't like that.

Feeling like you didn't know what happened at all. Yeah.

I remember it was actually another comedian's wedding. There was a bunch of comedians. Everyone went up and performed. I was drunk. So I was saying whatever. And then I said, I did a joke. Then I repeated the joke. And I was so drunk, I was like, oh, I'm repeating the joke. I'm going to take a look right now. But I'm going to finish it since it already started. And then I got off stage and everyone was like, all right, we're going to drink afterwards. I was like, Cool. I'm going to take a nap. And then when I woke up from the nap, I was in the Airbnb and I was like, wait a second. Maybe I just forgot. And then I don't get hangovers. So when I woke up, I felt fine.

What are you, a superhero?

I don't know, bro. But I remember talking to the people, the comedians in the Airbnb with me. And then I was like, Hey, how are you doing? They're like, How are you doing? And I was like, What are you talking? I'm fine.

They're like, Are you fine? Yeah. So that was the breaking point.

Then they just started telling me all the things I did. And I was like, All right, that was stupid.

So that was it. That was like the beginning of the end.

Yeah, that was pretty much it. That was pretty much it because I felt like I had this crazy tolerance, and I felt my tolerance going like I didn't have that tolerance anymore. Sure. So I didn't like that. And then I didn't like the fact how much I like drinking.

Yeah, I get that. I'm thinking about one right now. Yeah. No.

It's so funny because I didn't drink it two years, but I was like, I came in here and I was like, no.

No, stay away.

I was like, maybe.

Look, there's a delicate dance with drinking where everyone in my family likes to drink. It's just like a cultural thing. And I've been so used to it for so long that now I've learned as we've gotten older, it doesn't metabolize the same in your body anymore. And you just naturally learn to slow down and temperate. I I have a night, like Saturday night after the second show, we went out with some friends and had some drinks and had fun. And you just pay for it a little bit harder than I used to. So now I just try to section it out. So I'm not going to the club and just having a drink because I'm there or getting on stage, just having one because I'm there afterwards. Now I've just learned to be like, I'll take my time and do it when it's appropriate. But I think more and more people are going towards putting it away. It's interesting.

Yeah. I noticed I was in the worst shape of my life when I was drinking, too.

Physically? What about mentally? Do you feel like your mind's clear?

No, I feel like I was physically, mentally. I think that drinking just made me... I was the least happiest I've been. But I don't know. I just think I was... But I would never... I think it was also because I was drinking. Then I injured myself. When you're injured yourself, you can't work out. So you just...

What did you do? Jujitsu.

I got a slap tear on my left shoulder.

God, everyone doing jujitsu now.

Yeah. You don't do jujitsu?

No. It's the best, man. No, I don't I do jujitsu. I do Hamas Jutsu, which is an alternative form. We'll be right back. No, it's okay. It's okay. It was really bad. No, I don't do jujitsu. No, I don't do jujitsu. No, I respect all my friends that do. I'm glad people like it. I don't like touching people that much. I don't like touchy touch. I'm just not into grappling, contact, and wrestling.

It's pretty weird in the beginning. Especially when someone starts off. Coming to the guard. I don't like that. Coming to the guard. I don't like that.

It's not like a homophobic thing. That has nothing to do with it. I just don't like touchy feeling. Any sport I play is no touchy. No touchy. You play basketball? I love basketball, golf, baseball, all that stuff I played when I was a kid. Football was the only one I started to like, and then I was like, I don't want to get hit. I don't like getting hit.

Getting hit hurts a lot. It hurts so much.

Yeah, I got over it. So I was like, no, thanks. So, yeah, I never got into it the way that a lot of my friends do. One of my closest friends from childhood, he's obsessed, and he's gotten injured before. Still, he still does it. I just think, isn't that the kickoff to be like, maybe I shouldn't do this anymore if I'm getting hurt?

Well, I haven't done it really in a long time. You'll never go back. I will go back. I think part of the reason I stopped doing Jujutsu is because of my hair, which is crazy. What do you mean? But I don't like other people I sweat getting my hair. It stinks. And I got to wash it. But if I have dreads, it's just too much. So I haven't done Jujutsu in a very long time. I've done Muay Thai or boxing. That's good.

You can't tie your hair. You can't put your hair in something?

Yeah, but they still It's still nasty. Yes, it's nasty.

That's the other thing. You're sweating and rolling around with someone a lot. Other people sweat. Maybe it's a germophobic thing for me. I remember as a kid when they talked about athlete's foot or stuff from the wrestling mats. Yeah. And even that, I was like, I don't want a wart.

Are you a germophobe?

Probably, yeah.

I used to be a super germophobe. The first time I ever sat on a toilet bare-booty, I was 25. I'm talking about my house. In your own home? In my own home, I put toilet paper down. What? I'm dead serious. I was such a germaphobe.

Wait, but it's your... No one else is going in there.

No, I still share the house with other people.

With your family?

I don't care.

Okay. All right.

I do not care, man. The The first time I was 25 years old, the first time I ever put my bare... That's how much of a germ before I was. And the only reason I did that is because I was living with my girlfriend at the time. And then I accidentally walked in on her using the bathroom, and she was bare-booty. And I was like, well, I might as well lick the toilet. And so then I was like, all right, that doesn't matter. So it didn't matter.

I'm not weirded out like that. That doesn't freak me out. But I don't know, other people's bodily sweat stuff For some reason. That I don't like. That I couldn't do. The toilet thing wouldn't bother me at all. It didn't bother me either. Well, one time I was sick as a dog and I had to sit down on a toilet seat on the airplane, and I didn't put anything down or wipe it. And I remember sitting on a An airplane toilet seat thinking- You didn't wipe it? I didn't, bro. I didn't have time. It was ready to rock. I didn't have a choice. I was so sick. And I sat down and I thought, well, I guess this is it. Now this can't bother me ever again. If I've done this, it's over. Because most of the time, even if I had to- What's going to happen?

Who's died from the booty touching the toilet, bro?

There was a guy. What was that guy in Pennsylvania that died from the... No, I'm kidding. It's never happened. That's insane. It's insane. Hey, so now, well, let me say this. So then you went from there and then drank a lot, gave it up, came back to LA, and now you're going to stay here forever, you think, or are you going to move?

No, I don't know. Maybe like another year, I'm going to go on some auditions and try to be on some TV or movies. That'd be cool.

Instead of what? You want to take a break from stand-up or you want to keep doing it and just do TV as well?

You know, it's funny, man. I love stand-up. I've been doing it 15 years, and I love stand-up. And I remember in the beginning, I was like, man, I could never. I don't understand how people stop doing stand-up. The more you do it, you're like, why?

I get it. Yeah, I absolutely get it. Well, because I've been doing it probably the same time, maybe 16 or 17 years. But yeah, man. It gets- It's exhausting. Well, yeah. I don't think people understand it. They're like, oh, you get up there, you do your little jokes. It's the easiest job. Yeah. There's so much to it. And the travel is a lot. It's so heavy.

For me, that's a huge... The biggest part for me is the Travel. And then it's like trying to build up material after you just had... The travel is too much for me. It's not too much, but it's just a lot.

It's heavy. It's just really heavy. And you just put out an hour, didn't you?

Yeah, I put out an hour. I filmed August. I dropped it about a month ago. Where'd you put it?

On YouTube?

On YouTube.

And where'd you film it?

I filmed it at the Burbank Colony Theater.

Here in LA? Yeah. But I thought you said LA crowds and you, it's not the thing. You did it anyway, huh?

Yeah, I did because I just threw it together. Okay. This was not planned out.

You were like, this is just coming together on its own?

My first special I dropped in 2019, and I wanted to film my second one two years later, 2021. But 2020 was like, no, we're not going to. And then 2021, I was going back on the road, and I was like, hey, I want to film it. And then I was hosting America's Got Town in Vegas. And then I just wanted to get it over with. I was just like, I'll film it. So I just did it.

Right. Just to knock it out. Yeah, just knock it out. I have a really hard time believing. I keep thinking about it that you don't have success with women. Is it because you just don't want to settle down? Because there's no chance girls aren't throwing themselves at you.

I think that women Even women throw themselves at me, but I think women throw themselves at everyone. I think that's like- No, no, no, no. But I feel like, but hold on. I feel like there's men... First off, I don't get hit on as much as an average woman, right?

Sure.

But why is the average woman single? Because who's hitting on?

Losers? What do you say? I don't know. I think it's because you might be picky or not want to settle down.

I don't think I'm that picky, though. Really? Really? I really don't think I'm that picky.

You have any requirements?

I mean, this is the part people don't say I'm picky. I wanted to be vegan.

She needs to be vegan?

Vegan.

What % of the United States are vegan?

It doesn't even matter because the percentage of vegans, it's like 83% women.

Yeah, it's all women.

Yeah, it's always like, I'm the only guy that's vegan. But I'm just funny and pretty.

A funny vegan? Okay. Good luck, young man. I'm a funny vegan.

Yeah.

You're the only funny vegan. That's not true. No, but you can meet. Look, we have friends that are vegan. Ian Edwards is vegan. He is vegan, yeah. But I don't think he exclusively dates women that are vegan. So You can't go outside of that. You would refuse to date a woman that isn't vegan.

No, I wouldn't.

You don't do it?

No, I don't feel like for me, it's like, no, I could be friends with someone. Most of my friends aren't vegan. Sure. Then I would have no friends inside.

But what if you fell in I love with the girl, but she was a meateater. It still would be a deal breaker to you?

How would I fall in love with her if she's meat? Wow. You figured it out.

That's why I'm saying it. Well, I mean, I don't know. You see through. You're not going to have someone that doesn't have flaws. That could be one of the flaws. You're like, well, I wish she didn't, but I just like her so much.

To me, it's not like... Me being vegan, I feel like it's not that... I mean, it is isolating when you think of... It's not that isolated, I don't think. I don't think that's a big of a jump. I mean, it's just not animal products.

Yeah. No, I get it.

But I did think, I was like, maybe would I date a vegetarian? Would I date a girl that's only vegan around me?

What about pescetarian?

See, I'm only dating a vegan. I wouldn't date. There was some girl I was talking to, and she was a famous person, and she wasn't vegan. And I was like, maybe I don't care that much. All right. Yeah. But I do. You do? There was no rapport. I just liked her because she was attractive.

Right. That's how most things start. Yeah. Yeah. And then you go, well, she eats meat, whatever. I don't like that. Her feet are big, but it is what it is. You have to just write some of these things off. Maybe you are too picky meeting Justin. Well, if any vegan- But I don't think I'm that picky besides the veganism. That's a huge picky thing. That's big.

I mean, but most women, they'll just do it. If they like me. I'm telling you, bro. I'm telling you.

You've switched some girls over from meeting Justin.

Oh, my gosh. Yes, they'll do it. Women are really accommodating. Men aren't. Women are like, all right, whatever make you happy. That's why women lie all the time because They're just trying to make you happy. That's true. That's why I feel like with vegan, I don't think it's that big of a asterisk. I feel like most of them are going to be like, all right, I'll do it.

Or I'll try it, but then they'll sneak meat behind your back. That's fine. They're cheating on you with meat when you're not around.

They can cheat on me regular. I don't care. As long as I don't know. I feel like people that cheat and then they say something, you're a horrible human being.

That's so funny. So as long as you don't know, you're like, you go do whatever you want.

If you drop a burger in the back of the restaurant and you give it to me, don't tell me you dropped it. I'm not going to know. I'm going to eat the sandwich and be happy.

Ignorance is bliss.

I don't want to know.

We got to have a vegan fan out there that's going to date you, man. We have to link this up. There's no way this can't work. 9.7 million vegans and 9 million of them. 9.7 million? 9 million of them are women. There's got to be. It's got to be. 0.7 are men. And honestly, I think of all places you're going to meet a vegan would be here in LA.

I message two girls. I I messaged two girls. I messaged two girls. I DM them within last week, and they were vegan. And they just did not... They just left me on red.

What? That's crazy. What is it about you? Do you have an old murder charge that I should know about?

I don't know, man. I don't get it. I don't know, man. People just don't... I don't know what it is.

Maybe they're intimidated by it.

No, I think maybe they're dating someone else. It could be. They could be doing that. They could be dating someone else.

Tell me this. This is because of my ignorance. You supplement protein from being a vegan through plant protein. You take a lot of plant protein.

No, I do the same thing I was doing before. I took protein when I was on omnivore diet. I do the same thing when I'm vegan. I don't do anything different.

You don't do anything different?

I'll do anything different. Wow. It's the same thing. After my workout, when I was eating meat, I would have a whole turkey. I would eat the whole turkey with hot sauce, which is crazy racist. But I would just have every lunch.

That's what you got to do, man.

I would have a chicken or a turkey for lunch. And then I would just put a little hot sauce and I would eat it. And then I would work out. And after my workout, I take a protein shake. But I still do that. I don't have the turkey or the chicken. But after my workout, I have a protein shake.

And it's still the same. Nothing changed for you.

Nothing changed.

I've had friends that have been vegan and vegetarian. I've done vegetarian. I can't do vegan, but I've done vegetarian a few times, and I like it. How does it feel? It's okay. I just miss the meat. I just miss it. I don't know what it is. I can't get away from it.

Yeah, they got lab meat coming out. I'm ready for that.

Yeah, I don't know, man. That sounds like- Sounds like what? Sounds like cancer, my good friend.

You're crazy. The regular meat is the cancer.

Yeah, but at least it's organic cancer. I'll take the... I'll take O. G. Cancer.

Bro, lab meat is going to be The best purest form. They just make it in the lab, man.

It's perfect. Well, then they're going to make you a lab, girlfriend. Lab meals.

That's another thing I'm waiting on. I'm just going to wait till the AI bot comes out.

Well, they already have sex robots now. You just need to- Do they? Oh, yeah, they do. He has one. On Amazon or what? Yeah, he has one.

They're like- You have a sex robot?

No, he doesn't. We almost bought one on the other show, but I think we looked into one for fun. It was like 12 grand or something. Yeah, they're like 20 grand.

They're 12 grand.

Yeah, they're expensive.

That's pretty lonely, man.

Well, if it makes that person happy and not shoot up a mall, then let them have that girlfriend. Let them have the dummy in their house. Whatever saves them from attacking society. You think that's what it is? Every time someone shoots up a place, it's because they're deprived of something.

Yeah, but you don't need sex. Sex is not a thing. You don't need it.

I think, yes, you absolutely do.

There's no evidence. If you don't have water, you die. If you don't have food, you die. If you don't have sex, you become a better thinker. A school shooter.

You become more focused. You become a school shooter. No, you don't, man. Wait, there is a lot of research that shows that human touch actually does keep people alive longer.

Absolutely. But that friendship and stuff, you don't need sex.

No, but also, intimate touch is human instinct. I think we will die without any form of human touch. It's got to be up there somewhere. Okay, Google it. What does it say? But if you look at there is scientific research that talks about ejaculating or sexual pleasure, it's healthy for your mind. Your mind can deteriorate without sexual pleasure. I heard the opposite. How could that be? Our entire existence is predicated upon procreation.

Yeah, but if you're creating, maybe. But if you're not, there's no necessity.

It doesn't know the difference if you're creating or not, you're shooting. Once you're shooting, your brain thinks it's happening. It doesn't Something else, they say, happens chemically when a physical baby is born. I'm pretty sure. No chance.

I know this sounds- You need sex. I'm pretty sure. I don't think you need it, though.

Well, you need something. You need physical touch. You need emotional connection.

You need physical touch. I think we're social creatures. We need to be around people. We need to be- I think you got to come.

I think you got to come. We'll be right back with You Got to Come.

In here, we pour whiskey.

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I like ginger.

What does it say? There's got to be something. A lot of it is just like, because there's like, positive and negative to everything, but it's like, sex is just great at boosting serotonin, reducing heart disease. Heart disease. Yeah. It keeps you alive. No. Oh, my. These things keep you alive.

Bro, it's like, sex is like weed or something.

No, it's not.

It feels good right then.

The sex feels good with weed. I know that.

It feels great with weed. It feels but, but after you're done, you're like, man, get out.

Well, let me tell you something. This I don't need sex thing is not helping your dating life. I can tell you that.

I never said it.

That is not going to be promotional.

Look, I never said I don't need. I just say it's not necessary.

Do you smoke weed?

Yeah, I smoke. Well, I mean, sometimes.

The booze is away. So did the weed come into play then?

I was smoking weed before I started drinking it. I started drinking it in 2020. I started I'm on weed in 2016. But I just tried it out in 2016, 2017, I was running. You were hot with it. In 2018, 2019, if you said hi to me, I was. It was a lot, bro. I just smoked. But now, when I Stop drinking. I was like, I think I should stop doing anything I feel like it's bad. In your body? Yeah, just anything that I feel like it was bad.

Well, as a vegan, that's probably part of your approach, right? Is that you want it to be clean?

I just try to be healthy. Yeah. But I think weed is fine. Same with alcohol. I think alcohol is fine in moderation. But for me, having one drink is stupid. I'm just not going to drink at all. I want 17 drinks.

Yeah. Well, then you need to stop. That's why. Would you ever find yourself in a program or no? You have no interest in that?

If I needed it, I felt like, but I don't feel like I need it.

You don't need the support from others?

Yeah. No, I just feel like I'll stop.

Okay.

I feel like I can control anything, which that's why I stopped because I was like, Can I control? This is why I stopped drinking. I drank And then there was a lady who I didn't know. She was like, Oh, I've seen you at the party yesterday, and you were drunk. And I was like, yeah, everybody was drunk. They were like, No, you were drunk. And I was like, no, no. Everybody. They were like, no, it's okay. Do you ever thought about going to AA or something. I was like, why would I go to AA? They're like, you ever thought about talking to somebody? And then that scared me. And then I was like, all right, well, I just stopped.

Sometimes I'll find myself scrolling through TikTok and I'll see the algorithm. It'll be like some dude talking about how he needed to stop drinking. And then three videos later, it'll be the same another one. And I'm like, what is TikTok doing? Does TikTok know what I did on Saturday night?

You're like, man, am I tripping right now? Yeah.

What is going on? That's crazy, man. Sometimes it'll sneak into your algorithm. And I'm like,.

That's what it does with videos of It's crazy. What is it? It'll have videos or apps of just... It'll have sex apps. It won't have even relationship apps. I slept with this many people. I'm like, Why is this popping up?

Well, it's listening to us now, so it's going to pick up all this stuff. For the next couple of days, we're going to be getting a lot of AA and sex-related posts.

That's the scariest thing. I get a lot of single commercials on my TikTok, which is wild.

Are you on all the apps, all the dating apps?

I'm on zero apps.

Why?

Because I'm not going to get rejected by some dishwasher at Walgreens, bro. Only a couple of times I could do that. But honestly, I'll get rejected and I'll be like, Come on, bro.

Do they have dishwashers at Walgreens now? No. Are they serving food?

No, I just made it No, I know what you mean.

You don't want to go through the rejection, but is there a vegan dating app?

Yeah, there is. There's not enough vegans.

Right. There's like 30 people on the app.

Yeah, I'll see all the three people. I'm like, man.

You cycle through all the choices. No one is available.

What's the name of the vegan act? I don't even like... I don't know. It's called like VegeDate or something. I don't know.

What is it? Vegely. Vegely?

Vegely, that's what it is. That's so embarrassing. Maybe it's better now. I haven't used it.

This is the problem with veganism. You guys need to make it cool. It is cool. No, it's not. It's the most uncool shit.

It's so... It's cool, man.

No, it's not. You got to cool it up.

How do you cool it up?

Vegely. You got to cool it up. You got to cool it up. Come on, man. Get some more black influence in there to cool it up somehow.

That's what I'm saying. We got that, man. You go to Atlanta, we got- I know.

There's way more black vegans now, but still- There's more black vegans than any other race. Then infuse that into the culture of veganism. Because every fucking vegan restaurant you go to, you're like, look at this dump, this weirdo dump of a bunch of fucking gem touchers. It feels so lame. You have to cool it up somehow.

Gem touchers is wow.

Yeah. It sounds racist. You fucking gem toucher. Look at this guy. It looks like a gem grabber. No, it just feels like there's nothing cool about it. And that, I think, doesn't help.

Vegans, that's what it is. Is that true? Bro, people do not like it.

You guys keep saying that, so then we keep going, I guess we don't like you.

No, no. Don't try to gaslight me. Because I like you. I like you. You gaslight me, man. I like you. Yeah, but do you like all vegans?

I haven't ever met a vegan where I go, I don't like them because they're vegan. I might not like them because they suck, but people suck.

But I feel like that with anything. Anybody a level 10 is annoying.

Right, but it just so happens Oftentimes- No, it's not.

I am not a level 10 vegan.

You're not.

I'm a seven. You're a rarity.

Yeah.

Get out of here, bro.

I go to those gem touchers down the road. I have a two-minute conversation when I have gem touchers. I'm pissed off. No, you know what it is? I think because it's such an alternative lifestyle to what most average people do, some people- It's isolating. Some people want to let you know that they are, prove that they are, try to influence you to be. You're not that, but that comes with the territory because you're defending it.

I think a lot of vegans are like new Christians, right? When someone first finds you, they're like, Oh, I'm trying to get you to heaven. You got to see the light. You're And after a while, they're like, All right, well, I'm going to heaven. If you want to go to hell? That's how vegans feel.

I'd rather that. But if vegans at the beginning just accepted the fact that it's like, Well, you may not like it. I don't care. I like it.

Well, you have to understand from a vegan, when I first became a vegan, I was so militant. I lost so many fans and friends. I was just like, you don't see the light? Look what's happening to the animal. When you first become a vegan, you wanted to show everyone. And people are like, I don't care. You forgot what it It was like when you weren't vegan. Because when I wasn't vegan and people would try to convince me to be vegan, I would immediately be like, I like women. So why would I be a vegan? I just thought it was gay. I thought, I'm not trying to have any soy and grow any breast or something. I just don't know.

And what was the flip? Who flipped you?

Oh, man, that's that pause. So I think that it was more so before I had a dog, people were like, Would you eat a dog? And I was like, Yeah. If it was good enough. Yeah, I'll try it out if I'm in a different country. I'm serious. I'd eat a human with the right seasonal. And then I got a dog, and I was like, oh, it's weird. And then I found that pigs were smarter than dogs. And I was like, that's weird. And then I just tried it out, and my poop's great. And I was like, I'm going to just keep trying this out. I never thought I'd be vegan. I never thought I'd be vegan.

Now, I'm stuck. But now you're stuck. I'm stuck, man. Well, you'll die later, which may not be a good thing. That's the other thing. I drink and eat meat because I'm like, dude, if I'm out by 70, maybe I want to leave. You see people They're in their 90s that are like, I'm miserable. All my friends are dead. It's the saddest existence.

That's so sad.

That guy on the internet was like, 104. And they're like, how are you? He's like, take me, please. I saw a guy. There was a war vet. We showed a video. There was a veteran who was 102 or something like that. And he kept saying, I think God forgot about me. He kept saying that. It was sad.

No, I- They said we're going to live till like, 115 now. We will not.

I I will not. No fucking way. The stress of what we do for a living will inevitably make us die earlier.

I was thinking that. I was like, I think I'm going to die pretty early. Not super early, but maybe like 70.

Before you should. Yeah, before I should. You're probably going to die earlier than you would have if you did something else. But what an unrewarding life that would have been if you weren't able to display your talent. You're too talented to not do what you do.

This is the best job ever. It's awesome.

Yeah, I couldn't be happy about it. We just complained about it 10 minutes ago.

I know we were going to complain I'm not going to complain about it, and we're always going to complain because that's how life is.

Because I do think people don't understand that it does take a toll on you mentally and physically to have to run around the country and work out stuff. And that is a big to-do in your brain.

It's just most people's issue is money. So if you make money, you can't complain.

Which is bullshit. It's stupid. Yeah, that's silly.

So it's like, it doesn't make you... First off, if I gave you money, a person that doesn't make money, also, there was a point in time where we didn't make money.

Most of your career, you don't make money.

Most of the time, it's a new thing. But I think in their brain, they're like, If I had this amount of money, my life would be fixed. And it's like, No, bro. Like the finish The finish line is always moving. So I think that's why if you complain and you make more money than whoever is listening, they can't see that point of view.

Right. Because it's like your life is inherently in their eyes going to be better because of the scale of wealth. But if But the clichés have always become so much more glaringly true the older I get that I know a lot of people who make a lot of money. A lot of money. And that didn't contribute to any of their peace and happiness. In fact, their peace and happiness that I found as I've gotten older comes from things like becoming a vegan, putting away booze, or starting a family, or investing in charity. They found something in their life that made them happy. And by the way, some of the financials led them to be able to do that. Yeah, absolutely. But the money had almost nothing to do with it, truly. They could have done it if they didn't have money. They just didn't. You don't think you can.

But people that make money commit suicide at a higher rate than other people.

Oh, yeah. Because money is pressure and stress. Exactly. Right. I found that the thing that I think we started doing more or that I want to get more into as my career has grown, and it's not money-based. It's just I think more charity is the best balance. I I like the idea of we have a lot of fan art, and I thought, well, we should sign this and sell it and auction it for charity. And if you can gain that happiness through that, to me, then it all feels like, oh, then it's all worth it. You know what I mean? I think that feels more organically. That makes me happier than selling out a fucking theater or getting a special, because those things just come from work. This other thing, it's like free happiness, almost. What I've acquired, I'm able to help. That is That, to me, is where I'm starting to find more happiness.

It's weird because now it feels like people are trying to be selfish. Like, they're taught to be selfish.

It's about me. You're me. Yeah. All these guys online that are like, If you're not making 800 grand a year, you're a piece of shit. Have you seen that fucking guy? What's that? Grant Cardone? Do you know who that is? Is that his name? Oh, my God. But he does this thing where it's like, if you're not having four or five streams of income, you're a loser. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? There's no chance chasing that dragon. He's in trouble, right? Oh, he Yeah. What do you get caught for? He got in trouble for what? Money laundering, probably? Something.

Yeah, something. He did something. But you're right.

He's in a lot of trouble. But you're right. People are given this false narrative that you should be doing more. And if you're not, you're a loser. Yeah.

It's bullshit. You don't have to do anything. No. You don't have to do anything. I mean, physical and mental maintenance for your body is like, you should be doing that.

That's the number one thing.

That's the number one thing you should be doing. Probably. But going out your way. But that's what What I was doing with alcohol is I never drink alcohol because I was like, I'm feeling sad and I want to feel better. I mean, neither. I just drink because I was like, I like drinking. It's fun.

It's fun.

Yeah, I do enjoy it. It makes me, it looses me up. When I get around people, I'm like, How fast can I leave? Seriously, bro. If I'm around a bunch of comedians, I'm like, Man, what an ex of that. That's how I feel. But when I drink, I'm like, What up, baby? What's up? I just felt good. It had to go.

Yeah. Did you ever perform on television or anything taped where you were drunk?

Were you drunk all the time? Okay. I don't think I've ever been drunk on TV, but I've definitely been high.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think I've ever been drunk. No, no. Have I No, I've never been drunk.

Oh, I've been drunk on TV. Oh, have you? Yeah. Almost every time I'm on that fucking thing. Yeah, I hate it. When I used to do At Midnight with Chris Hardwick, now they redid it with Taylor or whatever. When I did that on Comedy Central- That's what the The original one was. Yeah, on Comedy Central with Chris Hardwick. I used to get buzzed up for that. I wasn't drunk, but I would have a drink backstage for sure. In fact, I did it four times. They would have a bottle of whiskey there for me to have a couple of sips. That was crazy. Well, because if I'm going to get on this weird, goofy show, I want to loosen up a little bit and have some fun. But yeah, my Comedy Central half hour, I was buzzing on that. My specials never. No, that was always- I was high on my first special. Were you? I was high. You were fucked up on your first.

You did two tapings? My first special I've never told them about this. My first special, I was high. Yeah, we did two tapings. The first taping, I wasn't high, but it was like it almost ruined it because they went out before the crowd and they're like, All right, this is special, so we need you to laugh. It's super. It's like, No, I got this. I've been doing comedy for 10 years. I got it. So my first 15 minutes, they were ruining my jokes because they were laughing too hard. So it took them a second to get in the groove. And so the second one, I was like, I just went in the back. And this is when I was like, newer than we eat. And I smoked with my brother, went out there, and then it was just so fun. I was blasted. Yeah, my second special.

Did you end up using that second tape?

Most of my special, I'm high. Because I rewatched it a couple of years ago, and I was like, oh, this is just me. I was just stone the whole time.

What about the one you just put out? Were you stone for this?

No, I was sober. Sober? Yeah, I had not stopped doing it.

Stone sober for it. Yeah. It is funny to think about that. I never thought about that until I got on TV, and I thought, I wonder how many other people... Because in the history of comedy, you look at like Carson. Ed was drunk on air. Was he? Oh, my God, dude. Yeah. He was like a known alcoholic. He would be blitzed for the whole show. Sometimes he'd like, mumble his way through the end. If you watch old Carson episodes, there's times when you could tell even Johnny would be like, We'll have to get you to bed soon, Ed. It was like him tipping off the crew like, All right, dude. He's fucking, he's lit. In fact, I heard a rumor This could be old Hollywood lore. Even if it's fake, I don't care. You can look this up. You know when they send you a car to do a TV taping? Yeah. And they always say, If you like car service, we can have that available for you in case you drink or whatever. The rumor was that Ed left the studio one time, tanked, got into a car accident, and then the studio found out they were liable because he was drinking during the production.

So this production company would be liable, the studio would be liable for his drinking and driving. And so from then on, they started letting car service become a routine thing for people to come and go to TV taping. Whether or not that's true, I don't know. But I've heard that that's part of the impetus for studios, making sure that on-air talent always had a car. So if they were intoxicated, they weren't liable for whatever happened when you left, which is fucking wild to think about because I've done a bunch of different TV stuff, and every time, they're pretty pushy about being like, Let's get you a car just in case. Let us just We'll send a car just in case, wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do. Which is funny because it's like, most of the time I used to want to drive myself. If I did something, I go, I'll drive there. I'd rather drive my own car. They're like, Can you not? You know what I mean?

Someone just asked me that today if I wanted car service, and I was like, why would I want to have to tip somebody?

We're in the highest tip culture I've ever seen in my entire life. It's pretty wild, man. And look, some of it, the irony that this has been spouted before is I'd rather tip the kid at McDonald's because he's making no money. Yeah. Then tip a fucking- Dave and Buster's cashier?

Bro, they have tipping for Dave and Buster's cashier.

What are you doing at D&B? You're still ripping over there? You're going over there?

That's what I'm saying. What's going on, man? That's crazy.

When's the last time you went to a Dave and Buster's?

Bro, I went like- Is this your shit? No, I went like six months ago, though. I feel like it's- Really? With the group of friends?

Is that a bad thing?

I went on a Dave and Buster's.

I don't think I've ever been to a Dave and Buster's as As an adult man. That's crazy, man. Actually, that's not true. I went to a Dave & Busters in Times Square after Drake did SNL. He had a party there. He had his after-after party at Dave & Busters.

You met Drake?

No, really. I mean, yes and no. I said hello, but it was a thousand people, and everybody snuck in, and then a fight broke out.

Everybody snuck in. Who fought?

Two Chicks, dude. It was actually wild. By the Skiball machine. You don't get in the way of a fucking 100er. You know what I mean? All I saw from afar was hair being pulled, screaming, and I was like, Let's get the fuck out of here. I was like, This is not going to end well.

Do you like rap?

I love rap.

So are you in this?

I'm sorry. I love hip hop. You love hip hop? I like rap.

Oh, okay.

I've always loved hip hop, but we grew up with. That's why I pointed out when we talked about TRI before we started. I always liked that era because we grew up with it. I do like a lot of new shit. What about this beef between Kendrick and Drake? It's sad. I guess, because we grew up with real beef, like murder you beef. That was the era of our youth was like, you actually get killed. You think it's sad?

I like it.

I don't know. It's interesting, but it also looks desperate because Drake had his run, and he's not as big as he used to be, which is fine. But it feels like these guys are shooting at each other when it's not...

It's over. That's what I mean. But for music in general.

Yeah.

I mean, there's an app I have on my phone that I could type in anything, and it'll make a song in two minutes. Yeah. Do you know about that? Bro, That's- So the Drake thing with Kendrick, it also felt really out of bounds.

When Biggie and Tupac went at it, there was something so organic about it. They died. Even though it wasn't organic. It was like, manufactured by everybody else around them. They didn't hate each other, but it became this fuel for two young, unbelievably talented men to battle it out. I thought it was beautiful. Even though it ended tragically, Drake and Kendrick, it's like, these are two different... Kendrick is a fucking poet.

Yeah.

Drake is a pop star. I don't even understand. Do you know what I mean by this? It's like, these people have nothing in common. Yeah, they do. So I think the war itself is misappropriated. I was like, these are two guys that shouldn't be fucking after eat. Whatever your personal beef is.

They keep dissing each other.

I know, but it's like petty on a weird... They're not even in the same playing field. That would be me, mocking one of the best guys at Groundlings or Second City. It's like, what? Yeah, we're both comedians, but it's so different, the art that we make. That's what I mean. If it's the same art, then I like it. If it's two guys clapping at each other who do the similar shit or on a same rise, I'm like, oh, this is sexy. But fucking, Drake.

Drake is a pop star. But it's a fight, man. If you walk outside and two of us are fighting, we're watching.

But imagine those two guys actually fist fighting.

Yeah.

Come on. What are we talking about?

Drake is way bigger.

Yeah, he's fucking three times the size, that guy. It wouldn't even be fun to watch. Do you remember in high school when somebody beats someone up and you were like, Holy fuck, this is unfair. And you can't stop it. And you're like, Oh, man, that's so bad for that guy. I remember watching these two kids fight in high school, and it wasn't even fun because we felt so bad. This other kid was so much smaller. And you're like, this is mean now. It was fun. They're like, they're going to fight.

I feel like a dude that's bigger and hitting on a guy as small as him is almost like hitting a woman.

Similar?

It should be the I'll tell you a wild story.

I don't think I ever told this, but it just popped into my mind. In the cafeteria, I remember a massive fight breaking out. And people are standing up and this guy is just doing on haymakers. And someone's on At a table on one of the cafeteria, but people are standing up in there. It's crazy. He's throwing haymaker. I mean, he's going nuts. And then a teacher grabs him by the hair. He had longer hair and yanks his neck back and pulls him away. And then they pull this person up, and it's a girl. I was like, holy shit, dude. He was haymaker in this check, but she got up fine. She was like, fucking bitch. She was yelling back at him. I was like, damn, dude. She was taking it. Those high school fights, I will say, so much fun. Wow, did it make the day fun? Terrible, but it made the day so much fun because then you had something to talk about for the rest of the week. The whole time?

Yeah. Even like the next lunch day.

Yeah, it was amazing. Remember the yesterday? You're still buzzing from that fight, man. Did you get in fights when you were young? No. No. You were a good kid.

Yeah, I think I was pretty good. I couldn't wait. I just started getting bad till the last few years.

Oh, really?

Yeah, like recently. I'm good now. When I was drinking, boy. Yeah.

Come at me. See, I was a little fucking asshole. I couldn't wait to fucking fight someone that was near to me. Oh, you got a bunch of fights? When I was a little kid, I was a little just an asshole.

If somebody picked on me- I've never in my life punched anybody.

Really? Never. Oh, you got to feel it. It's great.

No, I don't.

But getting hit isn't good. Punching someone feels great. Getting punched is the worst thing in the world. That's why at our age, when someone's like, Oh, you want to step up? You're like, No, man. No. I have a mortgage. I'm tired. I got to go home. I'm not going to fight you. Fucking exhausted. Getting into a fight hurts in a way for the next few days. I couldn't explain it unless you felt it. It's like you got in a bunch of car accidents. Their whole body hurts.

It's the fucking worst. When was the time you got in a fight?

Oh, dude, when I was in college. College was last time. What happened? We got into a big fight because we were at an apartment complex and drinking And then being assholes. And some guy pulled out of a spot really drunk, and he almost hit a girl that was in this group with us. And then one of my friends was really chirpy. And I had a couple of buddies that couldn't wait to fucking... And so then that initiated this like, oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no And then there was four of us, and there must have been ten of those guys. And they beat the shit out of us. They know that. They will fucking walk us. I got kicked in the head. I got hit so hard. We got warped. Whenever you got two guys on you, I don't care how tough you are, you're probably going to get hit hard.

Last time I got in like a... I mean, there's no punches thrown, but it was 2020, actually. I was picking this girl. I was dating from the airport, and I was with my boy. And we're getting to the airport. And there's like, right before you hit the right and there's a straightway to the airport, there's this guy on a bike. He's in the street. So I'm like, all right, I honk at him and then he flicks me off. And I was He's like, okay, it's honk, honk, honk. I'm just being annoying. And so he throws his bike on the ground. He gets there, he's like, what's up? What's up? And I'm like, bro, get on your bike. He's like, that's what I thought. So I get out the car because my Ego is like, now we got to- You're like, you know what? Hold on. Yeah. I get out the car, get out my electric car. And then I said, what you want to do? And then he goes, what's up? And I was like, that's what I thought. He's like, yeah, get back in your car. But when When he said that, it felt like he was like, your mama, ho.

That's what it felt like. Close. It sounds the same. Yeah.

So I walked up to him and then he pushes me and then I grab him, I put him on the ground. And I've been doing jiu-jitsu for a minute at this point. And so I remember grappling with him and it not being fair. And then I just was like, I just got up.

And you were like, That's enough. Get back on your bicycle.

I felt so bad.

Yeah. You didn't even hurt him, though. You're good.

I put him down. Yeah. I didn't feel like... I mean, I don't think I... Yeah.

But you knew you could if the power was there.

I felt like a bully. It felt so bad.

Was he a tiny man?

No, he was probably way the same as me, but he was a couple of inches short than me.

How does so as you got up, you walked away, you got in your car, did he just get on his bike?

Or was it still- He was like, wiping off the... I felt so bad, bro.

Somehow that's more diminutive than getting punched. For somebody, he has to be like, just get out of here, man. Cleaning off his little bike shorts.

Oh, yeah. He felt like he was going to shoot me with a gun. I forgot that part. Really? Yeah, he felt like he was like, you walk up on me.

A bicyclist has a gun? That's what I'm saying.

That's what I said.

Was it one of those? Was it just a bike or a guy who's doing the bike? You know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about.

No, it was a bike like, I can't afford a car.

Well, that guy probably does have a gun. Now that I think about it, that guy, he spent all his money on a gun, not a car.

People have guns. They just show you their guns.

Right away. Can't wait to see.

He would have been like, you know what I mean?

You would have seen it immediately.

He just was like, I was like, you don't have a gun.

Show me the gun. Yeah, exactly. Show me the gun.

I've had guns pulled on me. They just pulled it out.

Have you? Really? Yeah. Wow. They just pulled the gun. I've never been robbed at gunpoint. I've never been robbed. I've seen the gun. I've done the thing where they're like, and you're like, okay.

Yeah, I've seen that.

I don't like that. Get that shit away from me immediately, dude. Because anybody who's willing to do this will shoot something completely on accident. You know what I mean? This guy will shoot something and just be like, fuck, that's my bad. You know what I mean? This guy, this guy who does this, so irresponsible with the gun. It's pointing at your penis. I don't trust you even a little bit. The guy with the gun on his hip, trust that guy with my life. This guy, this guy's the guy. This guy's got the fucking... But the dick gun guy Because you got to move it out the way. Yeah, that guy can't wait to shoot something on accident. That guy has zero skill with the gun. The dick gun guy has no gun skill. Whenever I'm in Texas and you see open carry and you see guys with it on their hip, I always think that guy knows what he's doing with a gun.

That's That's weird to me.

Open carry? Yeah. It actually doesn't bother me because I feel like if you're bold enough to carry a gun in public on your side, you obviously have a relationship with guns. You're not new to this. Imagine if you just got a gun and I imagine you I'm going to put it on your hip for the first six months that you have it. You know what I mean? It's like wearing jewelry sometimes when you're like, Should I wear my watch? Should I take my gun or should I fucking leave it at the house? I think until you get confident enough with your ability with it, would you ever just put it on your side? Unless you live in the sticks and then it's- Yeah, but there's like a different...

Gun confidence is like a different- It's bold. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I would love to walk around with a gun. I would fucking love that. When a fan is like, Santino, I'm like, come on, don't get too close. Don't get too close. No, I would never. That's insane. Do you have any guns? I do. I do like guns. I don't want to walk around with them, but I like them. Yeah. Do you like shotguns?

I've never shot a shotgun. Oh, my God.

That's the most fun.

I love shotguns. I was in Atlanta. I was living there.

And then- Well, they give you a gun when you move into Atlanta? They give it to you. That's in the HOA package? Yeah.

When I pulled in, I was like, is this a checkpoint? I was like, Here's the gun. I was like, Oh, that's crazy, man. But the first day, they broke into my mom's car. And then I was super anti-gun. I remember living in my uncle's house when I was 13, and he He was anti-gun. And I was like, Well, what if someone tries to rob you? He's like, We just let them rob us. And then at the end.

No, I don't want to get robbed.

And then they tried to rob my... Well, they did rob my mom's car. And then I was like, Oh, I'll shoot somebody for my mom.

Yeah, exactly. I was like, I'll do that. You will kill for someone you love. Yeah.

I was like, oh, absolutely. So I got three guns the next day.

Right. Three? Three. One would have been good.

I got an AK, which I don't need. And I got two nines.

Nines are great, though. Yeah, they're great. They feel so nice.

I got an automatic and one that's just a regular regular nine.

I'd love to take you to shoot. Shot guns are really fun. I would love to. I love shooting guns. I think that as a kid, I grew up with my dad liked shotguns. He didn't love handguns. I think he was adverse to them because he wasn't familiar. So he just grew up liking guns, and he grew up in the sticks, near where you were in North Carolina, by the way. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. My stepdad, he grew up out in the hills, out there in North Carolina. Hey, buddy. That's how everybody talk. His best friend used to be like, Andrew, you do 100 pushups. I'll give I'll give you $100. That's what he used to say.

Did he ever do it?

I was nine. I was like, what the fuck? I can do 100 pushups? Come on, Andrew. Get down.

I would have done 10,000 pushups.

You, yeah.

I didn't look like I said nine.

Well, yeah, I imagine you did. You've looked 36 since you were nine. No, but I used to love going to shoot because it was just something about a shotgun.

It feels so old school, too, that it was like the weight of it was beautiful.

You had to hold it with two. Were you a gun kid? No. Minnesota? No.

You got to take the hat off then.

Yeah.

It's a fashion statement.

See, he's more annoying than vegans. By the way, vegans aren't annoying for the record. I have a lot of friends that are vegan. The most annoying person in this day and age are 24-year-old men. These are the worst versions of people that exist.

What is it like being 24?

He lives like a rat. He lives like a little rat person. Yeah. And when we were 20... I started when I was 22, 23. We were so poor, and it was like, I don't know, it was fine because the pressure wasn't there. But these guys, it's like a different I think they broke now. Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate's got to him now. Now, I just think it's like a different broke now.

They said they're having the least amount of sex.

Well, because they don't want to get in trouble.

I think it's because it's poor.

It's also just the internet. We're not used to interacting in person. We're way more- Right. They don't want to miscommunicate how they feel to somebody, and then it get taken in the wrong direction because their communication is through non-face-to-face. You had to talk to girls. Over and don't. There's just so much. Also, just the over too much choice or whatever.

The fact that- Yeah, it's too many options.

That's the problem with all these apps.

That's why I stopped using apps. If I think someone's attractive, I just go up to them.

Because every friend of mine that is on the app, they say the same shit that they could talk to 10 women, and then none of them pan out to anything because they don't ever meet up or it wanes away. So I think it attaches no stakes. There's no stakes. So then who's going to- That's what would happen with me is I would meet a girl on whatever app I'm using, and then they would just hold me until whoever that looks way better and that's taller with more money decided that they didn't want to talk.

Then they'll be like, all right, hey. That's awful. This girl, I was at a coffee shop and I just was walking. I seen her and I was like, okay, she's a drag. So I walked her through. I was like, hey, what's your name? And she goes, I'm so and so. I was like, cool. We should go out sometime and let me get your Instagram. And she was like, cool. So I got her Instagram. Like, hey, We should go out this time, at this day, at this place. And she was like, cool. And then the day up, she's like, oh, I'm sorry. I got sick. Can't do that. Let's do another time. I was like, all right, just let me know when you're free. So she didn't hit me up for six months. Six months? Six months, she didn't hit me up. It's a long sickness.

Yeah.

So then she just laughed at something on my story a few days ago. And then yesterday, she laughed again at something I did. And I was like, Oh, did you all break up?

Yeah. You're single again? Yeah. You're single again? You must be free now.

Yeah. She just was talking to somebody.

But are you going to engage? No.

If she hits me up, which she won't because women have this... They're not used to... Women don't hit up men. They don't have to. They don't have to, exactly.

Except for on the app that they do, that one. Bumble. The The reverse one. Yeah. Then they have to engage.

Yeah, but that's still the same thing.

Yeah, they engage and then they stop.

They don't have a game. Their game is, Hey, that's a whack.

Yeah, but that's good game, though.

No, bro.

If a hot enough girl is like, Hey, I know you're like, Hey, Hi. Hi.

What's up? No, I think the women that are most attractive are the most annoying.

Oh, really?

For sure. They don't have anything else. I don't get it. I think that women are that attractive. They just They're too attractive.

They're too attractive to even have some normalcy?

Yeah. I like the regular fine.

Regular fine? Yeah. That's the name of your next special. Regular fine. Regular fine? Yeah. Yeah. Regular fine. Where they're pretty, but they haven't been filled their whole life with, you can have anything, you can do everything. Exactly. Yeah. You need someone that had someone with a scar. You need someone with a little bit of a... Right? Yeah. You can't have a... Anytime someone gets too pretty, men or women, they've had no zero impingement. There's no stop point. They're allowed to do everything they want, and they're given everything. Then why would they want to fuck with you? Yeah. I've been given the world. But all we learn from this is you like mediocre-looking vegans who don't mind that you're picky and sometimes you do jitsu and you have an Airbnb in Atlanta. I think you're an eligible bachelor as far as I'm concerned. I do. Me too. I think you've got all the puzzle pieces.

I'm a regular amount of weird, too.

Well, regular amount of weird is what we're going to get you. We're going to get you. So any fans out there, if I have some vegan female So for your female fans, please comment down below. Dm Preacher. Let him know. Watch his special first, maybe to find out if you like his sense of humor. And then DM him, say, Hey, I also don't eat meat, and I'm Could you imagine if someone hit me up and then they watched my special second, came back and was like, never mind. Never mind. Yeah. I got sick. That was the girl. I can't go on the date. I got sick. I got sick. I got sick. I'm so sorry. I watched your shit.

I had you over six months. I'll bring up with whatever guy I'm talking.

Well, everyone that's listening now, Please comment if you are that person. Also, watch Preacher Special. He's available right now. Are you on tour? Plug some dates if you're on tour.

I'm on tour, man. Plug it, baby. When is this dropping?

Asap.

Okay. Well, I'm in. Netflix is a joke festival. It's Thursday. Then I'm in some other... I don't know where I'm at, bro. I just go with my date. It's Preacher Lawson.

Go to preacherlawson. Com, preacherlawson. Com for those tickets. I appreciate you. We end the show the same way. Looking at that camera right there. That's your camera. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Remember, this will be embedded in time and history forever, so make it count. One word or one phrase.

One word or one phrase.

Or one phrase, whichever one you choose. One word or one phrase.

I don't want to be corny, but I just think about quotes.

Go ahead and do it then.

Never do tomorrow what you can do today, baby. In here we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the Ginger Jean is a curse.

Gingers are huge as well. You owe me $5 for the whiskey at Never do tomorrow what you can do today, baby. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.