In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say they're for all my guests, but I mean them once again today. It's Rachel Feinstein.

Thanks, you guys.

Big guy. Everybody go watch Big guy right now on Netflix. It's available right now. If you don't watch it, her firefighter husband will never get to retire and get that pension from the city that he's always really planned on. So please watch Big guy right now on Netflix. Please. I do. I have a crush on your husband via the internet.

Oh, you've watched our ludicrous video.

I just watch everything with you guys. It's really like you're living the life that I want to live. If I was a woman, I'd want to be you.

By the way, he's never curious, never watches any of... I'm always like, Come here, I need you. He's like, Yeah. In a sec. He's so annoyed by all of it.

I like it so much. I like how much he doesn't like it.

He doesn't want to be there.

He's not invested in the comedy world.

No, he's never been to LA before. The first time he went to LA was for my special, and he wanted to get back to the hotel. He was thoroughly annoyed by it.

Can we go have sex? The baby's not here. He doesn't give a shit about the city.

It was for my half hour special. Afterwards, he goes, You know how you have that shot when you walk on stage from outside outside or whatever? He's like, She doesn't need to do that. He tried to tap me up. He went to the director. He goes, Let's get her out of this. Get her back to the hotel. And there was a string of specials. And he was like, No. Who's that guy from- Was it Comedy Central? It was for Netflix. It was like a half hour. That guy, Evy, used to work with Montreal, and he was like, Hey, let's get her out of here. And he just walks up to this man. He doesn't know that's producing this special. He's eating a chip like a complete dickface. He's like, Yeah, what do you say? We don't need this shot over here.

Come on. What do you want to see? Your legs, you pervert? Let's go.

He's like, Let's get her out of here. But the thing is, he never gets what's coming to him because then you go, I was like, I'm sorry. He was so annoyed with him. He was like, What the fuck is this guy talking to me for? And I'm like, I'm sorry. He's from New York. He's my husband. Fireman. He's not in our world. And he's like, No kidding. Thank you for your service. So we never fucking get- You can't get mad at fireman.

That's not- You're not allowed. So the police are always going to get scrutiny. Firemen, never. I've said this before. My grandfather was a firefighter. My daughter from the city of Chicago. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service. To your dead grandpa.

Yeah, to my dead grandfather. Thank you for the service, Pappie.

My godless, where I am.

No, but you know what? They can never do wrong. And I thought, comically, I was like, They're like, Oh, cops are racist. And I was like, Firefighters are racist, dude. I was like, You know how many fires they didn't put out? They were like, What neighborhood is it in? Let it burn. I was like, You can't tell me that none of these dudes. But they're the firefighters are the forever heroes. They never do wrong. They ride around in the trucks. I love these guys.

I always say hi to them. They ride around in the trucks is a terrific sense.

They ride around in the trucks.

That's what my daughter's insights are, better than that.

I see them ride around in the truck. I'm like, Where are you guys going? These LA firefighters out here, they just take cruises. I'm like, Where are you going? You want to get lunch? Sitting around all fucking day.

One of my friends, a very effeminate man named Dave Josca, he was a comedian. I think I talked about him last time I was on here. He got mad. He threw a tantrum him because he asked me if he could ride on the truck sometime. And I'm like, I'll ask Pete. I don't know why they would want to have some 50-year-old man on their dumb rig, but I'll mention it.

He probably sees it at the gay pride parade, and he's like, Look, I want to get on one of those.

Are those real firemen? He did tell me that. So I told Pete, I was like, Jessica, what's your ride on the truck? And he was like, No, they're absolutely not. What's in this for us?

You can walk on it in the garage if nobody sees you. My grandfather used to let us get on it, take a photo, and he was like, Get the fuck off. Really? You were allowed to get on it, and then they were like, come on, get off the truck.

Was he a firefighter, a regular firefighter? Was he a chief or a captain?

I wish I knew. That's really embarrassing. I think he was just a firefighter. My brain would set- Some guys like to climb the ranks.

Some guys like to... They take pride in just being a straight firefighter.

We're Irish scum. We don't climb. They don't let us up.

They shouldn't.

They're disgusting. They're like, Stay down there. Clean the wheels again, Garretty.

Garretty is such an Irishman.

He was such He was a wonderful, wonderful dude. And yeah, he was a firefighter my whole life and loved it. That was everything. That was the coolest shit in the world. And also was a fucking straight-up hero. All those guys that did that, you're like, That's the coolest gig in the world.

Actually, he was supposed to be here this weekend, but he was in a big fire, and he told me when he became a chief that he wouldn't go to fires anymore. And then he came home. I was off all night trying to figure out if he was okay. And he's like, It was awesome. I got to knock down all these walls, but they put me on medical leave. So he was excited. I was like, Is he alive? It was a big fire in Bushwick, but he tweaked his shoulder. So now he's on medical leave and he has to go. And we were going to bring my daughter out here. So now I'm out here alone, Mother's Day weekend. Where's your daughter? With your parents? She's with my husband because I didn't want to bring... They were supposed to come together, but he has to go to the medical office and get his stuff. And I don't want to rely on a babysitter. I don't know.

You don't travel with a lady. A lot of people travel with somebody.

I'm hoping. That's why I'm doing this special.

Exactly. Yeah, I eat a lady. Guys, please Please watch Big Guy out right now. The more clicks, the more chances we can get them a sitter to travel with.

I need a sitter. That's what I want.

I see that on airplanes a lot. We don't have kids. And I see people with kids on airplanes that have a sitter with them. I'm always like, That is the most fancy- That's some fancy shit.

Version of- That's some fancy shit. But here's the thing. Otherwise, then it's just... Yeah, speaking of horse, it's just some rag that I don't know, like Des Moines. I can't do that. So when I'm on stage, who's going to watch her? So I need I need to- You could hand her to another comic.

Jesselnick, watch my baby. Not for the late show.

She'll be throwing tantrums. She throws tantrums, my daughter still. She's four.

Put her on stage then. Make her go to work. Get to work. She's four?

She's four. She screams stuff when she throws tantrums. What is it?

Terrible twos. The threes are what?

Tantrum threes? She's so funny. She's hilarious. She's a comic? She's a comic, and she's very funny, and she works me. She's very manipulative and hilarious. She can tell that I'm not in charge of anything. She looks at me like, I'm not worried about you. I've seen your handjob jokes on YouTube, like you're not an authority figure. She can tell I'm not in charge of anything. She was already very much over me. I said something the other day, and she goes, There's no way you know that. I'm like, Bitch, how do you know what I know? You don't know anything at all.

A kid questioning your reality.

She goes, There's no way you know that.

There's no way you know that. And you know what?

A piece of you goes, Well- She's always right. Yeah, I know. She can already tell I have no information. She sees your vulnerability. She sees it, and she'll come in our room in the middle of the night. She gets in bed with us every night, and she knows she's getting in the bed now because there's no cannot. No, she's cocky. And what she does as she's getting in the bed is she always tries to give me a compliment first. She'll be like, Oh, what's that? That's cute. It'll be like a black scrunchy on my wrist or something.

She's really smart.

She's like, Where did you get that? I'm like, you don't care where I got this- Just lay down and shut up. White T-shirt. Yeah.

That's very clever. She does that to get brownie points so you feel Because what? Are you trying to get her to get back and sleep in her own bed?

Are you like, Come on, this is- We mostly gave up. She knows that... She used to do this thing where she'd cry all the way, and then she knows when I pick her up, she's crying. And now she stops.

Where does she sleep? Between you guys?

Yes, between us. It's a disaster. I don't sleep anymore. That's a bummer.

Put her at your feet like we do with my dog. Put him at my foot.

She's fallen off the bed a few times.

Sometimes the dog falls off and it makes me laugh so hard because it'll be in the middle of the night. The dog's like, And I'm like, Are you all right? Are you okay? It's so fucked up. It's not funny, but it's very funny.

They fall all over the place. Yeah, she fell off the bed twice. That's going to happen. Yeah. She talks about it like it's an old drinking story. She goes, Remember when I fell off the bed? She goes, That was crazy.

That's the last time I have rumplemints, Mom, falling off the fucking bed. What's the age when she's got to get out of the bed?

I think they... I guess seven or something. Maybe six.

That's the time where you go like, All right, you can't be in here anymore.

You got to be in your big girl bed. Yeah. I think maybe six or seven. It's hard for me to say no to her. I don't know about About that. It's so cute. Yeah.

And also, you're not going to be intimate with your husband anyway. I mean, you don't like each other anymore. Yeah, he's not going to wait.

He's backed up. He is backed up.

Yeah, that shoulder injury. You're like, I'm not interested anymore.

No, I mean, it is a cock block. Yeah, she's in the bed every night. Also, it's almost like the moment we start to watch something, she just comes in. She's like, Hey, guys.

You're like, You fucker. Do you guys have to sneak hookup? When you do get to hookup, you have to sneak around her.

Yes. We can't do it at night anymore because she's like, She's- What a night.

It's going to be midday. It's always in the middle of the day.

It's got to be like an afternoon lay. Such a sadness to that. That's so sad. Like in between errands.

The sun hitting your face. The sun isn't supposed to glisten your face when you're fucking, where the Amazon packages are being dropped off while you're getting fucked in the living room. It's so sad. Is it just a shitty existence? Hey, it's all good, though.

I love how quickly we got here. Yeah, I mean, it's She runs shit around the house. She's cocky as hell. But that's good.

She's the only thing that matters, so who cares? Yes. And then when she's too big to like you anymore, you'll miss her sleeping in bed.

That's what I think. I know. Yeah, and it's pretty It'll be dark days. Yeah.

Wait, why did you name it Big guy?

Because that's what my husband calls me. Big guy.

Yeah.

He follows me around the house, and he'll brush his mustache. He has this large, ludicrous mustache. It is awesome. And he'll follow me around and brush it. And he goes, Rachil, Rachil, they killed me, Rachil. And then he'll be like, She's my big guy. She's my big guy.

This guy's insane.

So, yeah, that's his nickname for me. Big guy. Big guy. Yeah. Yeah. He cannot compliment. I'll be like, Do I look okay? He goes, There you go. That's what he says. There you go. There you go. What the fuck does that mean?

We don't know how to do that, husbands. I don't think we know how to- You could know.

I'm sure you would know how to compliment. No.

When my wife says, she'll go, Do you like the way this looks? And I'll go, Yeah. Would you like it?

That's what I say. He always says that. We don't want to hear that. He goes, You're comfortable? It's not that.

Because we like it. I like it. I'm always like, Yeah, you look great. But then they don't believe you. And it's like, What would you believe?

Tell her she looks gorgeous.

No, because she doesn't. I'm not saying that. I'm not going to lie to you. No, but it's just so hard to feed into your own insecurity because no matter what I say, you're prepped for it to not sound good.

I mean, you're giving him a lot of credit. I mean, he is emotionally a desert.

I'm on his team. I'm on his team, baby.

He is a desert, emotionally.

I know. Well, we're all a little fucking empty.

Yes, that was my dad. Yeah, I knew. I knew why you love this guy. That's why you love this guy, too. Yeah, I know. You married your dad. Exactly. And the good thing is that he doesn't have any... I have total freedom. He's like an accidental feminist. He probably thinks feminists are like Nazis or something. Girls are feminists, don't they? But he actually is, even though he probably thinks they're commy rats. Because he doesn't care what I'm up to or do it. My friend Sam Morrell, one of my best friends, he'd be like, Why don't you crash at Sam's if you're going to watch the game? He doesn't care.

Well, because he knows better.

Yeah. Yeah. But he's not- I feel like he's got the world figured out. He's not a jealous person at all.

No. No. Well, by the way, Sam Morrell, one of my favorites is. A good buddy, a great dude, a great comic, a great sports. It's great to talk sports with a comic because I can never... Because most comics hate sports. And there's five people I can talk to about sports.

He's one of them. He's got me really into the nicks. I don't know if they're your enemies or what. No, no, no. They're in a fun spot right now. No, no, no. It's amazing to watch. Because their nicks are just so fun to watch. We actually went to a hockey game, to a rangers game, and Jalen Brunson was there in a rangers' jersey. Playing.

Jalen Brunson was on the ice playing.

He was so cool. Yeah, it was really cool. And Sam was like a little bitch. He was so nervous.

It's nice to see... It's cool to see comics get nervous around famous people because our whole demeanor has to be like, nothing makes me nervous. I get out in front of all these fucking people. No, it's- It was cute.

No, he was like, I knew he was nervous. He wouldn't have known. I knew he was just happy. He loves them so much. But he told me the whole backstory of them and how they all went to Villanova together. It's just this incredible story. I love those 30 for 30 docs and stuff like that. I always loved basketball for the theater of it, but I don't know a lot about the game. But he got me so into it just because the story is awesome. They're humble.

They seem like pretty cool guys. They are pretty. This is probably the best Knicks team in years that I've seen. I used to hate the Knicks when I was a kid because of Spike Lee, and I was a Jordan kid from Chicago. So we hated the Knicks, and we also used to fuck the Knicks up. But the world is different now, and the story is so strong that it's hard to hate on them. You know what I really love when you're talking about feminism? I kept thinking about, I watched Parts of your special that they sent over to me, which was very nice of them. Oh, they did? Yeah.

I'm so sorry if anybody's bothered you.

No, I actually loved it. I watched it on the Shitter. When I'm on the shitter, that's when I thumb through all my friend's stuff. The way you talk about your mom, which you always do, but the way you do your mom's impression about your mom's liberalism, it always makes me laugh because it's the same way that your mom's liberalism is the same way that my dad's conservativism. It's the same thing.

How? Yes, I agree. It's the same thing.

Well, it's It's just the exact same thing. It's just the way they're inundated with it. It really controls their- She just wants to be fired up. Yeah. He's the same way about bullshit.

I'm like, What are you want someone- And by the way, my mom will announced that she doesn't watch the news. I'm like, You're just wildly lying. She's like, You have to stay on a small diet with this stuff Because it's not healthy and it's toxic. And I say, I'd rather go outside and breathe the damn air than think about what flippin' Trump is doing with his damn time. And I'm like, It's all you read and all you talk about.

It's consuming them. It's so dangerous. The way that my parents My mom is not. My mom is not into politics. She could not give a fuck. My mom is just like me. I'm like her, where I'm like, Yeah, man, I'm going to make fun of all of it because it's annoying to me, and I can't spend enough time really indulging in it to learn what I would need to learn to care.

I don't care. Everybody's getting so extreme. Everybody's such a complete asshole. It's just you can't even- It's gone too far. It's gone too far.

We need to shut up. We're the most annoying version of ourselves that we've ever I've been. But what my dad is, when you do your mom, I'm always like, I hear him saying stuff because he heard one thing. You know today when somebody's like, I read this thing. It's like, you fucking read a sentence. Exactly. You read a sentence of a thing and it was stuck. Did you know? It's like with me now where I'll go. We do this, where I saw... I don't know whose pot it was on, but somebody had said, Only 15 % of smokers die from lung cancer.

15 %. I just saw that same thought. You saw this? Who was it? I was like, I want a That's what I said.

I just thought. This is how bad and toxic the news is because I used to smoke, and now I was like, can I just smoke again if that's the deal? If 85 % of us are going to live and not die from lung cancer. That was some good numbers. That's really good numbers. Those are solid. I know. The fucking tobacco industry would be like, what are you looking at? Come on back, baby.

I was like, fuck, I'm going to pick up some camel lights.

It just feels like a... But that little bullshit piece of information, which is obviously skewed. And yeah, I It's no way true. Yeah. I mean, it's probably true in one little category.

Everything on Instagram is said like that, too. People just announced all manner of horse shit on podcasts, and they'll just be like... And they just spew out these statistics that I think are just complete and utter horse shit half the time.

Well, watch this one. 42% of women prefer men who have beards. Did you know this? It's not true. It doesn't fucking matter. But this can get clipped, and someone will take it and be like, It's got I heard.

They feel better about it.

Santino said 42%. So if these bitches don't I don't know. You know what I mean? We'll take a little tip, but my dad does that with news. He hears a bullshit thing, and he cannot keep saying it. And I'm like, I know you heard that because I heard that. You know that's bullshit. But it doesn't matter.

And they love... My mom loves to talk about the trials. She just loves talking about the damn Trump trial. Have you seen what's going on in the trials? And then what she's doing lately is she'll talk about the trial, some Trump trial, and then she'll be like, But I always say, and I told your father's friend, Stan, and he's an attorney, that he deserves due process. And she's so proud of herself. I'm like, Yes, so does anybody.

That's the system we've set up. We decided that a long time ago.

She says it like she's just gifting him with it. She's like, And I say, You know what? He does deserve a right to defend himself. But I'm a trident, true, aren't I? It's just a whole lot. It's funny because she tries to catch away with my husband, and he's like a libertarian, and he wants none of it.

He's conservative. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's be real. Yeah. Let's be real. He's a firefighter? Yeah. He didn't vote last year. No. No. He was conservative. Was your dad a liberal? But yeah, like half the books in my house are the democracy, the lie that failed.

Was your dad a liberal?

Yeah. My parents are Democrats, but not really... They're not woke, but they're like... My dad was a civil rights lawyer, so he was a prosecutor for the DOJ, so he used to prosecute clan cases and stuff. You're like, Yeah, they're both Democrats.

He was defending the clan, though, right? Yes? Yes. You got to give those guys. They give them their shot. They deserve due process, the clan. Did you ever play Huntsville, Alabama? Have you ever done that club down there?

Wait, is that the dome? Is it like a super dome?

No, Huntsville is just like the club down there. Is this like- Jack it up. Just pull this thing down. Yeah, there you go.

I'm just a woman.

I don't want it to block your face. No, Huntsville. Why can't I think of it?

I don't know the club. I don't think I play this club.

But Huntsville is When I was taken down there. I've told this story before on here, so people probably are going to correct me again because I'm wrong. But Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live. But on the way down, the driver was telling me how the KKK, one of the big headquarters was right down the road. Then the other side of the road, he's like, And that's NASA. I was like, The juxtaposition.

Was he telling you he was proud?

Was he ever here? He was asking me which road I wanted to choose. Of course, I was like, Can't take me to the guy, guy, guy.

Wait, they're offices or whatever? It's so hilarious that they have even a building. It's so funny. An administrative building. Somebody has to go over there and open it in the morning. It's so dumb. Somebody has to be like, Hey, Debbie, can you open it?

Did you set the alarm? You didn't set the fucking alarm last night. Someone could have broken in.

They probably have a treasure. I never really thought about how much staff the clan has. It's a business.

It's a fucking business.

Some tired moms, some fucking working moms.

How about who's working in linen? Someone has to clean their fucking robes.

God, you're right. Somebody has to clean them and iron them and they're folded up. They have to go get him out of a dumb drawer. Maybe a guy's having a tough day with his wife, but then he's like, You know what? She made me breakfast. She put out my little robe for me. She folded my hat. I don't give this bitch enough credit. I'm sorry about last night.

I'm sorry about the argument, but I did lay I got your robe.

I'll fix it to put your head just the way you like it, and I got your griffs on the tape. I hope you have fun with your meeting tonight. You know what, Marlene? And you all get all your goals accomplished.

You ain't that bad. I may just stay with your fat ass. Yeah. I've said that for years about all these organizations. They are organizations. It's so funny. Even gangs. It's very funny. I had a joke years ago. You just reminded me about someone who does accounting for a gang who's checking the books.

I just did. It's funny that I just accidentally did a joke you already had to.

No, it was years ago. But it was in a gang, and it was the accountant for a gang. I don't remember the specifics.

It's a great joke.

Now I wish I thought of it. Yeah, it was like bullets. He was logging in bullets. That's what He's like, Hey, man, you can't use that many nine millimeter bullets. Four this week is like, Come on, bro, pushing it. It was a fucking- It's funny to think about probably some issues that they have to work through, and then maybe that they have compassion for each other before they go kill.

Just like, Please, a bunch of bullets into some car.

He's had a tough week, dog. Let him spray somebody. Yeah, you do realize these are organized crime does have to have a hierarchy. And when you see that sometimes on Sopranos, they did a great job of showing You know, tough guy shit. But also they had to be human about... There was a moment where they had to be regular people about stuff. You forget that they do that. So you're like, Oh, yeah, they still have to go get their dry cleaning.

And run some errands.

They have to run errands. They have to run errands. Yeah, they have to run errands. They have to run errands. Yeah, they have to run errands.

They have to run errands. Yeah, they have to run errands. It's very funny to just kill a man and cut off a horse's head and then run to Target.

Tony and target.

That would be amazing.

Where's greeting cuts? Where's so many greeting cuts?

That's why that show got so funny when they would talk about redecorating because he just slit some guy's throat. Then she was like, This is gorgeous, isn't it? I think what I'm thinking for the kitchen is that we do a peach vibe. She was so amazing, but it was so funny because I feel like they leaned in more and more to the ludicrousness. It was a very funny show.

They had to. At the very end, they didn't have a choice. At the beginning, I think it was so very serious. Then I think once it started to be in on the joke a little bit more, they started to make much more comedy out of it. I've watched it three times.

Really? Front to back. It's an incredible show.

It's my favorite.

Why can't I think of her name, by the way? Also, I just love how jealous... What's his name? Michael Impérioli.

Impérioli, yeah. I just love that jealous guy because I've never...

Actually, I had one really jealous boyfriend, but most of my boyfriends could take or leave me.

That's the name of your next special, Take Me or Leave Me.

Actually, speaking of names for this special, I was thinking about calling it... When I edited it, I was so disgusted with watching myself, and I kept screaming, You pig, you vile pig. I don't know the editor very well. I think he was like, I'll take it back because I was like, You pig, shut up. No one needs this. Then I was calling myself a vile pig so many times when I was editing it that I thought, Can I call the special Vile Pig? I asked Dan Powell, who was one of the producers, and he was like, No. I'm like, How about America's Favorite Pig, which I still think would be a great name for a fun-loving TV show. America's Pig is so good. America's Favorite Pig? That has to be the name for my next special.

But everybody would say Babe. You're thinking about Babe That's America's Favorite Pig.

Oh, right. I guess, yeah.

It's already been taken over.

What's sadder than America's Second Favorite Pig?

That's so funny. America's Second Favorite Pig.

What a dark life she has. Just kill yourself if you're America's Second Favorite Pig.

America's Pig is America's Favorite Pig is so cool.

It's such a fun name. I would even like to do just even a one-minute IG video where it's just next week on America's Favorite Pig, and maybe a husband catching his wife being a pig again. You fat pig. Just me with my snout and some filth.

I just wanted a late night snack. You pig.

That's what I told you. Guess who's going to punch you with a face? America's Favorite Pig.

Next I'm going to speak on America's Favorite Pig, our pig has a late night snack and gets caught.

That is a great... Has a late night snack and gets caught. It's amazing because that's exactly what I do, too. I'm always feeding late at night, and my husband will give me shit because he I brush my teeth and then eat after.

I do it all the fucking time. You know why? Because I'm not done. And brushing my teeth, by the way, I do it all the time. I do it like I'm supposed to, but I don't know when I'm going to not... Sometimes I brush thinking I'm going to be ready for bed. Then I'm sitting around writing and I'm like, I want to go watch TV and have a snack, and I want to go write something out. So I'm going to do it again, and then I have to go back and brush again, and it pisses me off. So now I wait till the very last minute until I'm half asleep to brush my teeth, until I'm falling I'm falling asleep while I'm brushing.

Did your wife also notice? My husband always tracks all my foul habits. He's like, I know the thing you do. I'm like, Stop fucking watching my nonsense.

She's got me fucking dialed all my bullshit. But I mean, I'm fucking annoying. Also, our schedules are fucking annoying. We're terribly annoying. Our schedules are so annoying that I always feel bad when I'm like, Hey, I have this late show, and I'm going to come home, and then I'll be awake at 12:30. That's disgusting. She's like, It's okay. I oftentimes will be like, Do you want me to... I'll sleep in the front room of the house. And then she's like, No, I'd rather you come in the room and say hi because the fucking dog is going to wake up, too.

You know where you should sleep?

Where? In the dog's bed. I tried. I've gotten drunk enough to sleep in that dog bed. It's this big. Yeah, I've tucked myself in it. I have gotten drunk, come home. The dog will be out in the living room waiting for me. And then I'll fall asleep on the couch with her, smashed up against my chest. And then my wife says she'll sometimes wake up middle of the night to come see if I'm home, and then she'll come out to the couch and the dog will be like... Because I'm squeezing it so fucking hard.

That's hilarious.

Drunk, struggling with my dog. Oh, I love that. That's one of my favorite things is to come home drunk and play with the dog until I go to bed. Because they don't know. They don't know that I'm drunk. Yeah. She is getting more- You don't know what a wretch you are. Kisses on the nose, though. She's getting more smooches on the snout. Really? Yeah. I kiss her on the nose because I think it's hilarious because she's like... I don't think she likes it, but I fucking love doing it.

Yeah, she's getting fingered, and that's all that matters.

That's what happens in my household, you big pig.

When he goes to the firehouse, I'm like a kid in the '80s, in the '80s movie or something. You're left alone. Daddy's All in is going to be great. I just spray things everywhere. And then when he's coming home, I'm like, Fuck. Because he's so anal. We got to clean up. Yeah. So much like, crawling shit in drawers. Then he just comes around, does this morning rounds and specs shit.

Checks in on everything. Yeah. He's an organized king. He's a pain in my ass.

Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, he's always lets me know his systems. He's very proud of his systems, the way organized people are. But I'm a real. I'm all over the map.

Were you a slob before you lived with him?

I've always been a slob. Are you still a slob? I'm a deep, deep- Because you don't seem like someone that's- I'm America's favorite pig.

But you don't seem like... I think that's an endearing joke you make, but you don't seem like someone that's a messy person.

I don't know. I'm insanely messy. Are you really? There is no amount of money that you could pay me to show I'm going to do my hotel room right now.

Oh, my God. I want to- It's disgraceful. Will you do me a favor, seriously? Will you, seriously, when you get back, will you send a picture and we can show it to the audience on the show? Please, it would be so funny. No, because the slaves will clean down. Ms. Pig, we cleaned your room. There was shit all over the walls and windows. Have you cleaned 1412 Ms. Pig room? What a shit box.

When I was in my 20s, I was more foul. But I remember one time, a housekeeper left a note just like, No. She was like, I won't. It just says, No.

I have my limits.

I won't clean this. No. Yuck.

I feel like- What do you do in the room?

It gets so crazy so fast. Food? It's just hurled every... There's always a lot of Quest chips everywhere. Not the chips themselves, just bags hurled everywhere. It's just a lot of spraying of all my stuff. It's absolutely disgusting what it is.

I'm a serial killer when I'm in a hotel room, I live out of the suitcase and I don't unpack at all.

Really? I'm a serial killer. Yeah, I do, too. I don't unpack. I don't put anything in the drawers. I don't know why I was surprised by that.

But yours goes everywhere on the floor. Everywhere, yeah. Yes. Mine's nowhere. Mine literally is in the suitcase, and then it goes. So I have one side where all my clothes are, and then the other side is where the dirty clothes go.

I'm a serial killer. Yeah, that's how my husband is. He folds his dirty clothes, and then he puts them back in the suitcase folded.

No, he's disgusting.

That's insane. Inside out. That's disgusting. Yeah, he's going to make a suit out of my skin. That's the thing.

He's going to eat you alive. That's fucking crazy.

He's going to kill me shortly.

No, I take the bag that the laundry would go in, the bag they always have in the closet, and that's where my dirty clothes go in, and that goes on the left side of my suitcase. And I only sleep on one side of the bed because I don't toss and turn a lot. So I don't ever ask them to come clean the room when I'm not there. I have the thing on, the please don't bother. I just say I just want towels every day. That's all I want, these new towels. But I don't want them in the room. Why?

Leave it alone. Too much calm everywhere?

Just so much fucking calm. What are you going to eat it at some point? There's only so many towels you can use. What are you going to put in your pockets? You know how many maids have my kids? You know how many maids have my kids? Too much calm. No, it's just I don't like a maid bed. I fucking hate a maid bed.

You hate a maid? I mean, I love a maid bed. I hate it. Why?

Just so I have to Just so I have to strain a hammy, uncicking it from the bottom of the tucked in. I don't like it. At our bed, it's maid, but it's made sloppily. It's maid up.

So you can get in. I don't like the real tight military.

Well, that's what I mean. It's a little much. It's a little much. It's a little much. It's a little much. It's a little much. I don't need it. It's a little rude. All I want is, when I've gotten out, I flip the comforter back over and that's done. That looks nice. It's fine. I just don't like it tucked and tidy. Then also it gives me the weirds that sometimes at a nice hotel, they'll organize your shit that I fucking hate. They put your shoes together. I love all of this.

If I could get up every morning and just be cleaned by people, I would love it.

This is pig status. You just want to wake up and put your arms up. Somebody lick me clean.

Somebody just wipe me down. It's absolutely disgusting. No, but I feel like personally, I'm clean with my body. Yeah, you're not a gross person. Yeah, I wash my clothes.

Jesus, you're not selling it at all.

This is not something- Go watch the pig special. I should give myself credit for it. I came here to say that I rinse myself regularly. I wash myself. It's all you haters out there that say I don't. You can fucking kiss my ass. I'm sorry that strong women scare you, but I fucking wash myself every fucking morning, so get off my dick. Yeah, I've been on basic cable, and I wash myself.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

You may have seen this next pig on basic cable, showers almost every day. Ladies and gentlemen, America's favorite.

Sometimes I'll have that thought when I like to watch a lot of murder, and I'll be like, I'll give myself credit for things I don't want to do. I'm like, I don't have the slightest desire to kill a hooker. I Patting yourself on the back. Yeah. I'm like, I don't wake up with... Imagine waking up at 3 AM.

I would never steal a child from somebody. I would never kidnap a child and kill him by the river.

No, not America's favorite pig. I'm happy as five with a snack in bed, just feeding in bed. Some guy, that would be a hassle. Imagine waking up at 3:00 in the morning and just knowing you needed to go kill co-eds. You have to do it. I had that thought when I was watching True Crime. I was like, I've never even had the slightest desire to kill a I say, Let them be.

You leave them alone. I say, Let sex workers be, please. Why do you watch so much murder?

I come from a long line of whores. My great grandmother was one of the most famous whores of all time.

My Nana was a whore. Before, we had OnlyFans. She was outside on the block doing her thing. Let her be. Leave her alone. Why do you watch all this fucking murder?

Actually, it's funny. Now, I don't watch as much now that I have a kid. I don't know.

It's something like- Well, now you're on Peppa Pig or whatever the fuck they watch.

And also, I think, yeah, there's something. I feel like I was in a darker space before, and now I can't let my mind go to certain corners. But I have watched a lot of murder in my life, and I love historical fiction and murder. I like Peaky Blinders or British cop shows and stuff like that.

You're like my wife. She likes those Peaky Blinders. That's because the guys are hot. That's why. It's part of it, yeah. That's a huge part of it. Yeah, definitely. I like It's just real history. I don't want fiction. I want the gruesome truth about how fucked up we've been.

I think history is really interesting.

It's just sexy to know how fucking dark and gross we are. Because then when you feel bad about whatever is up in your life, you're like, Wait, what? No, they were way worse. I know.

It's funny, the stuff they complain about, people complain about now when it's like, it used to be like, you could be like, go to prison for wearing slacks or something.

And I still think you should. I've said that before. But women who show their ankles should go to fucking prison.

The things that were illegal for women to do is some of the funniest shit. I've ever read in my life. Talk? Yeah, talk. Communicate. The witch burnings alone is hysterical. If somebody even had a rumor that you might be a witch, they're just like, fucking throw her in the fire. We can't take any chances.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I don't know. If you had a cousin that was a witch, you would be burned alive. What a hassle. Can you imagine?

Where's Christie? They burned her last week. They burned her. No, they did. Oh, wow. Well, what are you going to do? She's toast. Yeah, she's toast. She was all I don't know. I mean, maybe she could have been a witch. I don't know.

That's the thing. If there was even a rumor- Yeah, the rumor. That you were a witch, fucking throw her in the flames.

But that's why you guys now in this day and age like gossip magazines because you guys- You guys is great.

That's why you start the rumor. That's why you fucking pointless holes. That's why pointless holes like you love the magazines. You shouldn't be allowed to read them.

That's why you gashes like all that stuff. Yeah, you're right. Women like gossip magazines because they were gossiped about.

What else do we like, Andrew? I don't understand stuff, and I need it explained to me. What else do women like? This should be a regular thing on your show. I'll tell you what women like.

I'll tell you what these fucking broads like. Chatty Cathy's. They like shopping.

No, I do want to know what we like.

So wait, where were you going to say? What do you like? No, you like gossip magazines, I think, because you guys, you really do enjoy Say, You, Pointless Holes, please. You, Pointless Holes. You, Careless Crevasses. You guys really do like the demise of other people, though. Women love to hear some juicy negative shit. You do.

Yeah, that's right. You do? Of course.

But that's so sad that you're like, You want to know what that fucking dumb bitch did?

No, that's why we need to be burned and taught a fucking lesson. I think you should.

I think we should bring it back a little bit. Maybe send your feet, not burn you all the way.

Yeah, I I mean, everybody's inherently evil, though.

But the gossip of it all is strange. I don't know why. Why do women like gossip so much? Truly. I think women like gossip more than men, and let's be honest.

They do. I don't know. It's interesting what people are up to. Yeah, no, I love gossip.

I want to hear about that. But you like it only when it's negative, not good gossip. Good gossip is pointless.

That's not the great story.

See what I mean? You need something to go down in it. But yeah, it's because- Because it's funny.

What dumb shit people do is funny. But also, I'll say this, and this is true for comics, not all the pointless holes, but more for medium pointless holes, that I also will laugh at shit myself. I will laugh at what- But you have I'm full of shit I am. But you have self-awareness.

Right, but most people don't have self-awareness.

I think nothing's funer to me than somebody pointing out to me what a complete liar, just how full of shit I am in my life. Or how dumb you look. Yeah, or how dumb I look.

Well, let me start right now.

Please do, Daddy. I need to know.

I love your 50s voice. That's my favorite. I need to know, Daddy.

And I think also it's really funny is that guys used to get their wives lobotomies. What is funnier than that? And there was probably many a husband that threatened their wife with lobotomy. If you keep coming around here with all those opinions, I'll tell you what's going to happen.

We're going to open up your skull and fuck with your brain. That's right.

I'm going to take you right down there to the lobotomy factory, okay?

Or they put them on, what was it? Lithium. They on lithium. I know. Lithium would make people go deaf. That's insane. They would put women on lithium and they would go deaf.

It's so fucked up.

Can you hear me, Mary? Can you hear me? It's such a dark, fucked It's so gross, weird world.

It's so hilariously dark. It could be the smallest thing, too. Also, they would have to be put down like dogs for just getting aroused by something. It's outrageous. But I do think it's awesome.

Did you look at that other man there down at We're going to have to take you behind the barn and shoot you.

I don't want to go to the body manufacturing.

Let me tell you something, Clarice. You keep yip-yapping at me. You'll catch one real quick to the chin.

Yes. Yes. I know he's right. But after Connie went there, she was just flapping around, spitting in the corner.

Well, Connie's a better version of you than you'll ever be.

Yes.

Now take your cans out. Yes.

That happened.

We should do a Comedy Throwback Sidcom.

This would be really fun. That would be so fucking fun. I I could do this all day. I really am. It'd be so fucking fun to do. I just like... I would love... People always give comics tip for bringing hat boxes around. I'll fuck with a hat box. I would love to just do that shit all day. Just little quick skits. Nothing makes me laugh harder. I used to make my husband, whenever we were out at a store or something, because he's quiet, take my arm up like this. Hold my arm up, and I direct him how to do it and take me out. We're going out. We're leaving. And then just, I don't want to. I want to Yes, all right. Or make him reorder for me. That's so funny. So I'm going to start to say something, and this is what I really like. This is on our first few days, and he would do it, too. He'd play along. He would do it, yeah. That's fun. And I'd be like, Listen, I'm going to say this, but what I really want is this. And then I want you to tell the lady that.

Would he do that now? Yeah. He'd still have fun now.

This is the thing. He's down for whatever. Firemen are a good hang. They don't give a shit. Yeah, he's always down for a manner of nonsense. The day I met him, this guy kept coming back in the bar, and they kept kicking him out again, which always makes me laugh. He kept coming back in. Then they were like, We've told you to leave. I was joking with him that that was his father, that he'd left him when he was a young child. He just immediately knew the entire script in my head. I was like, You want a relationship with him? After being incarcerated, you're going to have to navigate this tricky terrain. And he'll go down any lane. He quickly knows what nonsense I might take.

So he's got the comedy bone. He wants to play along.

He'll play along with stuff, which is I don't know that he's a hilarious himself, but he's just down for any bullshit.

Because I think maybe he's so straight. It's very funny. He's such a straight. You know what I mean? He's such a guy's guy, straight guy. So him playing along is funny.

It's funny. Yeah. He wants to talk about sheds, just things that are archaically boring to me. For his birthday, I got him a book about sheds. I would rather take my own pointless hole of a life than read a book about... And he was just happy as a clam, just sitting on the shitter reading about fucking sheds.

Let him have the shed book. How amazing. I did.

I got it for him. That's all he wants to talk about.

A book about sheds. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, how long could it be, the book?

Sixty pages, maybe 70.

Does he color? Is some of them are coloring. This one comes with, You can color some of these sheds if you want.

Yeah. He likes to talk about sheds in your property. Yeah, your property line. He'll be like, Hey, the FINNEGANS got a Mazda. That's a conversation starter. That's a heat.

Yeah. Because you guys are where? You're in Long Island?

We're in Queens.

Queens, yeah.

We live in Mazda. That's all like cops and firefighters.

Yeah, and that's the nice suburbs. You get to see what's going on in the neighborhood. You hear what happened? That's so big. You hear what happened to your fucking Carly's sister?

No?

Oh, yeah, it's nuts. You fell off a boat in Mexico. Paralized. It's sad. Anyway, I got to go to work.

I like it. I think she deserved to die.

Those stories, those suburb stories are the birth of great suburban rumors of like, did you hear what happened? I hear that sometimes when I go back home and I hear my mom talking to friends or something.

It used to be a good rumor. It would be like somebody had a Jew cousin or something. Well, I thought she's nice, But I heard she had a Jew cousin. Eew.

Oh, God. Jews in our neighborhood?

I don't want it to be true. And she always waves at me in the driveway. But there were whisperings that she had a Jew cousin in the north.

I like its Game of Thrones. A Jew cousin in the north descends upon our neighborhood.

When I'm really bored, and probably you should take all this out, but when I'm really bored- No, I'm leaving all of it. I need to write. Just don't clip it, okay? No, we won't. When I'm really bored and I need to write something I always googled Choose Control the Media because it's some of the funniest things I've ever read in my life. That's how I know that I'm like, All right, you got to focus. You can't google it again. There's nothing funnier than what people collectively think that we're up to, especially now.

Hey, and what are you up to? After this, we're going to be going to UCLA for the protest. The rabbit Hole googling, Conspiracy Theories. I talked to Simpson about that. It's so funny. But it's so endless that even ones that I know are absolutely not even possible. You're still like, Why am I giving this any weight to even search more about it?

I love it, though. I think it's so funny. If I get an Uber, I get an Uber every once in a while. I'm the guy, they do a few feeler questions where they want to get into what's wrong with America. And I'm always like, What? I love it.

You see this? They can't clean this up. You know why, right?

I'll tell you what they're going to do next. I love that. Some guys, they could tell you what they're going to do next. They're going to build a highway, and it's going to go all the way to Mexico. They're just going to drive straight here for Mexico. But there's never really an end, but they can't wait to talk about it.

You know Obama, when Obama was here last week? Yeah, they shut down a couple of roads. I went down What do they got going down there? Right near two elementary schools. What's going on? Yeah, they have the greatest conspiratorial nonsensical theory, and they don't match up. There's a guy on fucking TikTok that I keep seeing pop up that's the numbers guy. What's your birth date?

September 29th.

29. Okay, so he would go 11. 11s. 11s are something actually unfortunate. 11s tend to die young. He does this whole dissection of hot Hot people are born on six. So if one in a five, if you're a fifth to 15th, you're a hot person. And then he lists off all this. It's bullshit. It's total bullshit. Yeah, it's complete bullshit. But people are fucking eating this alive.

This is a fact. And I feel like all you have to do is also compliment a person a little bit. You have a certain magnetism, but you hold it back.

Something about you.

You pull it back. Why is that? Why do you think you dim your own flame? You just say some horses.

Well, just because I'm insecure about something. And you are. And you are. Yeah. And you are. And you need to shed that at some point.

Yes. And it works, by the way. I love reading. I just went to some psychic reading with my friends. Oh, you go to these? No, I don't spend money on it. Do it maybe once a year. But I think things like this are very funny.

I mean, it's funny, but it scares me because I'm like, Is this person really sick or is this a bit?

There's a small part of me that believes all of it. You do? This is so embarrassing, but I've had auditions or meetings in LA and been nervous and then called one of my friends to do a tarot reading or something first. No. I would Venmo her 50 bucks to make this audition go better.

She tarots you and that gets you through the audition?

Yeah. Part of me thinks it's hilarious nonsense. The other part of me wants to believe it. It's weird. I'm doing both of those things at the same time. My friend was like, and I remember I did this before a meeting, and she was clearing me and clearing my energy.

What are you, Scientology now? You're getting cleared? Are you going clear? Are you going to meet Xana, too?

She's like, I'm going to clear you, or whatever. She'll do stuff around my face or whatever. I love that shit. I just do. I like it.

Well, you like it because it's fun, or do you believe it?

Part of me believes it. But I also know it's complete nonsense. And it's funny. I used to like you so much. I believe it and can mock it at the same time.

Okay, good. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we can buy into the bullshit a little bit.

It's fun to get your sign read or something. Yeah.

It's the same way I feel about my relationship with religion. I know it's Wackadoo, but I believe it a little. You know what I mean? I like it. Yeah, why not?

It's a fun thing to think about.

It's fun. It's wacky, but it's fun.

Yeah. And so a friend of mine was doing some clearing on me, and she stopped. She was clearing me, and she stopped right around my garage area. No. And she was This is bad. There's a bad energy. Right above my badge, she was doing... By the way, my husband was in the house just furious. I feel like the Grand Canyon. He just got back from work and I was laying on the couch.

She's scanning your vagina.

My dumb body. Then she was like, Oh, you were raped in a past life.

Oh, my God.

You were assaulted in a past life. I'm like, That tracks. She was like, You were a surf.

What did my tit say? What did my tit say?

Let me just clear your... And she cleared my I'm going to rape so that I can really kill it at the Hollywood Hot Dish.

Oh, my God.

You pay this woman. I just like people like that, too. I think they're funny. I like that lady that's fucking reading your aura at an airport bar with some ludicrous ring. You're blue. You're It's blue. Yeah, that. And I think I like people that believe it themselves. Because if you- Well, they fucking believe it. A lot of people, yeah, they really believe it. And if you can get into it for a second, I don't know why fucking not, right?

Yeah. I mean, if you want to dance with the devil, if you want to be someone that goes to hell, yeah, that's fine. If the Lord and savior can't save you, that's totally fine.

This is the shit that would have got me lobotomized in a heartbeat. I would have gone straight to the lobotomize factor.

You hear what Rachel was yapping about at the studio? We got to take her down to the doctor's office, don't you think?

Take a nice A big spoonful out of her brain. That's right. What's left there?

All right, sweetheart, drink up. A light sleep coming your way.

There was some woman that probably had to sneak her husband's paper, and there was probably nothing hourier you could do than read your husband's paper because that's not for girls.

That's for fucking men. That's for men.

That's for men. Yeah, he came home. Who taught you how to read? And he caught her looking up in the paper, and she went straight to the lobotomy store.

I was just going through the funnies, organizing it for you.

It can all be explained very easily. Of course, you see? I was just looking for an ad. It was for Sears and Robuck. Been making a nice new pencil skirt, that's all. No, not that pencil skirt. I'll never work in an office. I swear to God, I won't be a greeter at Walmart. Yes, I had a sister who was, but she's a bad whore, and I've just owned her, and she'll go in the fire. I'm sorry. I'll go. I'll put my shoes on. It's time to go to the bottom of your factory.

Yeah, there was some bitch. Then they just walk around the yard for an hour and a half. They just have to walk in circles. Out back, do your circles. It's so terrible.

She has some girl just stirring an empty bowl until her husband got home every day. Imagine how bored they were.

Well, that's the worst about it was sitting around the house all fucking day- Just waiting for him to come up.

That was the biggest thing that was going to happen all day. His Stan was going to come home. His Stan was going to come home again. And he'd be in a foul mood, too. He was just going to hunch.

Where's the dinner? Where's my dinner?

I'm sorry.

It's a little bit late, but I'll think it- Where's my Salisbury steak?

I think you'll be pleased with the roast I made. I think you like it.

I don't want to roast. It's so funny to me because it's like, if we had a time machine, we could feel this happening. It happened.

I know.

It was so real. It was so fucking real.

It was so real. And the outfits and all of it. I love all of it.

And the kids had to hear it. The kids being literally our parents. They had to watch that. That was their parents doing that. And they fucked us up. And that's why we're fucked up.

If you want to know- Yeah, we're never going to be okay.

No.

It's a wrap.

No, it's over. We're broken. We're shattered. We're so unwell. Yeah, but it's comforting. Knowing that the end is near.

It is.

Let's go.

Yeah. Why not?

I just took out a life insurance policy. I almost- I told my wife, Hey, if I want to jump in front of... If I slip in front of a bus, you might get a payout. Let's do it.

Do you know that I know nothing about... Somebody asked me recently, this is not particularly funny, but they were like, Do you have an insurance policy? Because my husband's a fireman or whatever. I don't know anything about any of that. Life insurance, nothing. I don't know where anything is.

Someone had to tell me. What do you mean? My business guy had to be like, Do you not have insurance? I was like, No, I health insurance to go to the doctor. And he's like, No, you don't have a policy or anything? I was like, No. What the fuck? Nobody tells us shit. Also in the comedian world, because we're not fitted into a corporate world as much as regular America, they get that at their first job. My little sister gets hired in a corporate office. They understand the structure of like, Hey, we need to set up this and your 401k. Dude, I know comics in their mid-forties that don't have any investment. They don't know how to like... They're like, What? Do I have to have a retirement fund? You're like, Dude, you should have something because- Yeah, I have a SEP IRA, and I have no idea what that is.

I don't even know what that stands for. I don't even know. I have an uncle, I wrote that thing, and I did that. I have an uncle, I wrote that thing, and I thought it was after. It would be so easy to steal from me.

Oh, yeah. And they're doing it. Our managers are doing it. It's fun, though.

They are little snakes.

Yeah, they sure are. By the way, that just reminded me. I do have an uncle, Ira, who was a gay Jewish guy. That's disgusting. And had no idea that he was not my uncle. Clearly not my uncle. I grew up thinking he was my uncle.

What was this real story?

He was just like a He was my family friend. He was just one of my dad's best friends.

And they just lied to you and said it was your uncle?

No, it was just Uncle Ira. And we always call him Uncle Ira, but I didn't really understand. That he wasn't your uncle? Well, because you get old enough to realize uncles must be someone's brother. And you're like, I just thought uncle is a vague communal term of like, he's part of our family somehow. I don't know how he's my uncle.

Was he the only one that they did this with or that they called uncle? Was that a family friend thing? We didn't have people that we called uncle or aunt that weren't uncle or aunt.

Yeah. No. I just said it just wasn't weird at all. I don't know why.

It's sweet.

Yeah. But also then, as I got older, I was like- But did he fuck you? Go ahead.

Did he fuck you when you were sleeping?

He spent a lot of time in his apartment. And that's how I learned that I'm a drag queen, and I I liked to be. No, he was just such a sweet- And he got you a Game Boy, didn't he?

He got me a couple of Game Boys.

He actually took me. He got me a couple of Game Boys. He actually took me. I was his good little Game Boy.

What's wrong with me?

He would rest here. I'm a mother. Yeah, you're a mom. What the hell? You're a dark, dark bitch.

Dressed like an eight-year-old boy just saying sick nonsense.

You said that when you came to the door. You were, Do I look like a child? I really do. You look like you're about to go or you're coming from an audition. That's what it is. By the way, you're going to get the part. Looking like this, you're going to get the part, sweet odd. She wore a short shirt.

This is the dumbest thing about this shirt.

Well, no, it's funny. You're not even a Niners fan. I couldn't name him player. It's the funniest thing on Earth. What a dumb girl. That's so funny to me. I love that.

Not a single one. I don't know anything about this.

You almost covered up your knees with the jacket. You were worried about your knees.

I thought my knees looked It's really red.

They look so normal. It's so funny. It's like you projected a thing that didn't even exist. But now I look at your knee, I go, Yeah, that one is a little bit red. It's not.

No, but also a lot of it's because I read comments that people notice every little thing. Oh, please don't.

What do you? I know. You can't.

I know. It's amateur nonsense.

I know. Comment below about yourself. Make fun of yourself in the comments down below. That would actually be funnier to read. If the people that are commenting had a joke about themselves, about what they were doing or wearing. Yeah, that's really smart.

You came up with that. I always thought you were pretty dumb. No, it's not. I defend you most of the time with other people talk shit about you. Sam and I always do this with each other. How do you keep defending me with all the shit people are talking? Because I think it's all probably rooted in jealousy and that you're not toxic.

You're not a moron, are you? I mean, we think so, for sure.

But do you want to hear speaking of you, morons? When I came here the other day, when I flew in, I did something so dumb, and I'm needing to tell you the story because it was real bad. I love dumb guy shit. Even for a girl like me.

Even for a lady like me, a lady of the night like me.

I got in at LAX, and you know how you take that little bus that you take to the Ubers and taxis?

Oh, Rachel. You think I take that bus?

I just got so jealous of you. Rachel, do you think I take that bus? But wait, how do you get around that bus? There's ways. Rachel.

When your Netflix special comes out, it's all going to change.

Please, I need to make some more money. I need some dough.

Please watch Big Guys. No, I'm teasing. Yes, for people that don't know, at LAX, they've made it so unbelievably inconvenient. You cannot get an Uber from your terminal. You must take it to a fucking parking lot.

But is there a special place? Am I just a peasant and there's a special place? You are a peasant.

Yeah. No. Well, two things. One, you can do... Taxis get to pick you up. I mean, sorry, black cars get to pick you up. If you do Uber black- They'll pick me up right there?

Yeah. Now I know this.

Uber regular has to pick you up there. If you If you get the more expensive one, which is a rip off, they will pick you up there.

But it's worth it. Don't you get the Uber Black? Because the headache is a nightmare. Who wants to be on that bus?

There's nothing worse than fucking- I use a car booking service through our travel agent that gets me... This is the funniest part about it. I was like, Oh, I'm not going I don't want to pay for a car service. That's expensive. I don't want to go through that fucking route because I don't need someone waiting for me to help me with the bag. I don't need any of that stuff. I just want to get in a car and go home. And then the travel agent lady we had worked with on the previous tour was like, I'm going to I'll show you how much it costs for you to take an Uber. I'm going to show you how much it costs for this. I'm not kidding, it's like $40 more, I think. That's it. I was like, Why am I not doing it? Why didn't I do this for you? I'll give you the name. There's two companies I have that I use.

He is, yes, because I hate that bus. Nothing more than after you've flown across the country having to get on some bus.

It's not like Ubers are cheap, by the way. They're the same as it.

I take them everywhere because I don't drive.

Well, because you can't drive. Isn't that what we told you, young lady? You're not allowed to be behind the wheel, are you? I know. Unless it's a boat, Sometimes I'll have to drive the boat, fellows. Open water, of course.

Some of the moving pictures, they let a lady on a boat one day. Then after that, she got a hold of her keys. No, never mind. It's just some stories I'd be telling myself.

Drink your water. It's all right.

So I get on the bus. And this is, by the way, the story I'm going to tell you, a good hard advertisement for women not being lit up far from the home. So I got on that bus and then I look around and I was like, oh, everybody's wearing the same outfit. It was like one in the morning. I was so tired. And then I'm like, oh, wait, I'm in the wrong bus. And then this guy leans over and he's like, this is for workers from LAX. You took the employee bus? Yes, I took the employee bus. It's so funny. And I was like, oh. And I was so tired that I was like, all right, well, I'm sure it'll take me near the Uber thing and I'll figure it out. And it didn't. It took me out to some corner. And the charger thing on Port on the plane was dead. So my phone dies, and I'm just dropped off near a group of random workers for LAX in a food truck. There was no stores for miles.

I bet you those tacos are good, though, by the way. Eat those tacos.

Yeah, I stuffed a few right in my dumb face. I just slam tacos and thought about the predicament I was in. I was so tired. I slept three hours.

So now you work at the airport.

And so now I do.

Yeah. Whatever. It worked out. If you guys don't watch the special, she will have to keep that job at the airport. So please watch the special on Netflix. Watch my special, you guys. It would mean a lot to I've done this multiple times, by the way. I've gotten lost in other cities. And the most embarrassing one is I've gone to the wrong airport in the city. You know where you go? Have you been to LaGuardia when you're supposed to go to JFK? Yes. I've done it fucking twice. And it is the worst feeling in the world. Where you're like, I'm dumb, sure. But now I'm angry.

Yeah, that was what sucks so much about it because I couldn't. I had nobody to blame. It was just my own dumb mind. Yeah, it's me.

Fuck me.

Fuck. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm the reason I'm standing here with the Red Dragons, what I call my suitcase. I'm just standing here with the red dragon. The red dragon? I like the name of your suitcase. You should get involved with that.

I'll give you I'm so dumb story. Please. I have not told this ever. Really? Well, I'm going to leave it vague, but I'll tell you afterwards who it was. I got invited to a holiday party. The name of the person's party I was going to go to, I thought was someone else because this other person I knew lived in this town. I had told my wife, Hey, we're going to go to this person's holiday party. This is going to be amazing. They're rich and- Famous. Yeah, wow. We spent a weekend going to stay at this nice place, a hotel, near where they live. We take a nice drive. We get up there. We get to the house, we walk inside. It's a totally different couple than I thought it was. My wife is speaking to the woman, and she's like, Hey. My wife's like, Yeah, we met. Did we meet before? And she was like, No, I don't think so. And the whole time, I'm trying to tell her, This is not who you think it is. We're in another friend's house that also lives in this city.

And they weren't famous at all?

They're regular trash.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. No, no, No, no, no, no. But it was just the most embarrassing. And we laughed about it because I grabbed her arm real fast and I go, Come here. You have to see this. It's so funny. We went by the front window, and she goes, What's wrong? And I go, This is not who I thought it was. I am so embarrassed. She's like, What do you mean? And I told her who it was.

And they had a similar name? Or how did that happen? Yeah.

Well, because on the invitation, it just said the first name. That's all it said. It'd be like Ryan's holiday party. And I'm like, Oh, Ryan lives up there. Ryan and his wife, they've been living up there. Oh, my fucking God. And then the rest of the time, I am riddled with weird guilt and insecurity, even though it doesn't matter. It was still a fine party. Yeah. Why would you- But I assumed it was this other person. So the night in my mind looked so different. From what it turned out to be. It was still fine.

No, but it's exciting to go to something like to...

It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had where I was like, I can't believe I'm this fucking stupid. I spent a whole weekend planning to go to this party, and it was just my other buddy where I'm like, Hey. I fucked up.

By the way, he's probably so touched that you showed up.

He was. He was like, I can't believe you came. I was like, I know. I know. I can't either. I fucking can't either, dude. That's how fucking stupid I am. And then also, we never But we never admit it. He still doesn't know to this day.

Oh, no. Yeah, you can't. No, you can never.

But it wasn't bad. I love them anyway.

It was a perfectly fine evening. Yeah, but you wouldn't have come all the way.

But the rest of the night was really uncomfortable in my mind because the whole time I kept thinking, I'm stupid. I didn't read that right.

Someone to this party went that they thought it was for Ron Perlman, who is in that- The actor Ron Perlman? Yeah, but it was for Ron Perlman. But it was Ron Perlman, another actually very rich man who owned Revlon. He was some billionaire. So we ended up in this party with a few different comedians. And then everybody was in tuxes, and it was just very, very rich people. Okay. And then he had so much stuff. And we're just being trash because we're comics. And he had so much... It was like, It was just an obscene level of wealth that the bottom floor of his home was just all cameras to watch all the stuff he had because he had Warhol paintings and stuff. And we're just being complete dick. So I went down there and I was like, Do you by any chance have the passcode? I was just being so annoying. But that's why we went there because we thought he was a different- We're a totally different guy. But it was still entertaining because- Ron Perlman. Imagine the being in that, mingling with the people that would wear a talks with their own friends.

That's a level of wealth that's just so fascinating and insane.

That makes me know that you're okay with killing people. Yeah. That you're like, Yeah, we could have you killed, and it would be fun. Yeah. And I'd put you next to my warhol. I would just hang you next to my fucking Warhol. These are some of the people we've murdered. That's a Warhol. That's a Picasso. You think they enter a world of like, they're bored? So what else do they? They do wild shit. They do dark, wild shit. And speaking of dark, wild, disgusting, repulsive, ugly shit. Please watch this piece of shit on Netflix right now. She is a dear friend and one of my favorite comedians. I've said that for years behind your back. I've also said it to your face. But I've talked good shit about you for far, far too long. If this special isn't as successful as it should be, I will cease our communication as friends. I mean it. Go watch Big Guy on Netflix right now. Big Guy. I love you. We end the episode the same way. Look in that camera. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. One word or one phrase whenever you're ready.

Okay. Do it.

America's favorite pig. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.