Where are we?

Is this actually where.

Yeah, I think we're here. This looks pretty sketchy.

Turn right into the parking lot, then arrive at your destination.

What? What? Do you see? The license plate. The license plate says ferret. What are you pointing at? Oh, my God. That license plate says, I love my ferrets. Ah. It's happening. My people. Okay, let's go check in. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm a middle aged man. My life is dull and soft. I'm basically a human butter knife. But there's one thing that instantly fills me with joy. Giddy, squeaky, childlike joy. We found my people. They're loading up a cart full of, like, ferrets products from the New York Times. I'm Sam Anderson. This is animal episode four. Ferrets. How many ferrets were in that van I saw?

Oh, we're not done yet.

It's August, and I've just arrived with my colleague Crystal Duhame in Columbus, Ohio, which at this moment happens to be the most ferrety place in. In America.

People come from all around.

I came from Minnesota because ferret enthusiasts from all over the country are pouring in for one of the major stops on the national ferret circuit, a competition called the Ferret Buckeye bash. Basically, imagine the prestige of the Westminster dog show. But instead of beagles and Pomeranians, it's just hundreds of ferrets. I'm sorry. This is a rolling tower of ferrets. As we're standing in the lobby of the official competition hotel, a woman walks in, rolling a luggage cart stacked with cages.

Four in here, two in here, three in there.

There's brown ferrets, albino ferrets, ferrets lounging around in miniature hammocks and snuggled up in comfy little beds.

This is Phineas Weaselton. He's really long.

Did you say phineas? Phineas Weaselton. And before I know it, you should.

See what I've got in my car.

I want to see what you got in your car. I'm helping her and her ferret friends unload. A ferret, for anyone who doesn't know, is basically a weasel. It's long and tubular, sort of like a badger crossed with a snake, but also crossed with a teddy bear. What am I seeing in the cage that these ferrets are eating?

Are they eating raw meat? Well, this is salad and chewies over.

Here, but some of the cages we're unloading are littered with bones and carcasses of, like, whole, dead birds. Why is this ferret bald they have.

Adrenal disease, which is common especially in Marshall ferrets.

This might be the place to mention that ferrets can be pretty polarizing pets. People who love them, like me, really love them, and people who don't love them, which is probably most of humanity, really do not love them. Wait. What happens if I put my fingers in that bottom case?

He will probably bite you. Yeah. To the bone.

To the bone.

What?

The word ferret comes from the Latin for little thief. They were domesticated basically yesterday. Historically speaking, around 2500 years ago. Just for reference, dogs were domesticated more like 20,000 years ago, and ferrets were mainly used to hunt rodents and rabbits. They have sharp claws and oily fur and glands that make them smell weird. And also extremely strong jaws, which they are not at all afraid to use. In fact, this is part of why ferrets are actually illegal to keep as pets in a couple of states. But in spite of all that, I have loved ferrets my whole life. As a kid growing up in Oregon, I desperately wanted one. They were at all the pet stores I went to, and I'd go running past the gerbils and hamsters and parakeets and just stand there with the ferrets, communing for as long as I could, letting them bite my fingers through the cage. But I was never allowed to take one home. And here's the thing. Unfulfilled childhood dreams, they don't just die. I feel like I might go home this weekend with some ferrets. They follow you around and scratch at you and burrow a hole deep into your heart.

We'll see you guys in a row.

Yeah.

Hey, are you guys checking in?

Yeah. Which is why I've come all the way here to the official hotel of the Ferret Buckeye bash.

You guys have a good weekend. Thank you so much.

Where are we? Because this hotel is filling up fast with chaotic ferrets and ferret people, one of whom has agreed to help fulfill my childhood dream by initiating me into the ferret lifestyle.

Hello. Hey. Please come in. Hi. This is Millie. Mildred. Hi.

Look at this lady. But the first ferret we meet is actually a large dog.

I'm sorry. Yeah. I just adopted her on Tuesday, so we're still kind of getting to know each other.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Hi, I'm Erin.

Erin Ehrman just drove here from upstate New York many hours in her tiny car with not only Millie, her newly adopted dog, but also her friend Karen, and of course, her ferrets, whose cages are now wedged around the room. There's one by the microwave, one by the coffee maker. Well, should we. Should we meet some buddies?

Yeah, you can.

This is Erin's first time competing in the Buckeye bash.

Yes. This is Genesis.

Genesis. Genesis looks exactly like the ferret of my childhood dreams.

She's gorgeous, right?

Yeah. What a beauty.

Yeah, actually, you want to hold her?

Nice. Me sweet theridge. She's so slithery. You know that classic thing they do in movies when they want to show something is beautiful? The shaft of heavenly light pouring down. Angel choir singing. Well, a majestic heavenly light is not worthy of Genesis. If you really wanted to signify the spectacular, otherworldly beauty of Genesis, you'd have to make a shaft of little genesises pouring down from the sky. Genesis is really checking me out. I'm really being stared at.

She's probably my favorite. Don't tell the others.

Genesis is also the key to Aaron's ferret future, because Aaron wants to breed ferrets.

So if I could have, like, just a whole line of ferrets that have her temperament and her structure, I'd be very happy with. With that.

She is such a sweet face.

I know.

So is she your big hope for the competition? Genesis?

Mm hmm. For him. He's just gonna show because he's gonna show.

This is when we turn our attention to the other competitor in the room.

So, this is gooseberry.

He is the yin to Genesis is yang. Born in March, this ferret is light brown and weirdly small, but he's still a juvenile. And where Genesis is calm and thoughtful and seems to be reciting poetry in her mind, gooseberry is an absolute freak.

Trying. He's trying his darndest to get out.

He won't stop moving, thrashing around in circles, biting the bars of his cage. What are you doing? Crazy. What are you doing with your claws? Gooseberry is of hungarian descent, and at six months old, he's technically an adolescent hob. Or in human terms, a teenaged male.

Ow.

Oh, you got me good. You are a nut.

Did he try to take a bite out of the mic?

Yeah, he grabbed the mic with his paw.

Mine.

What kind of animal acts like this?

A ferret.

As Gooseberry works on destroying his cage, there's a knock on the door. This is just chaos everywhere.

Sorry. We'll be quick. I know you met.

Hi.

No problem.

The pig secured your baby's paperwork. It's a ferret delivery. I had no idea you could get a ferret delivered like a pizza.

Okay, so this is the first time I'm meeting this guy.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, buddy. Oh, you have a pretty head. Yes, you do.

Oh, he is a beauty.

He is a beauty, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, gentle. Very nice. Very sweet boy.

He's biting you sweetly.

Yeah.

Why are you into ferrets? When did you first encounter a ferret?

Okay, so I grew up in California, and they're not legal there, so I didn't actually come into contact with a ferret until I was an adult and moved out of California. I didn't hold one until 2019, and the first one I held was mister. Groot. Groot. And I had to. I had to have him as soon as I held him. I just kind of knew that's what I wanted. That's. I don't know how else to explain it. I guess because some people say that there's, like, a dog shaped hole in their heart or a cat shaped hole. So I guess it would be like a ferret shaped hole, and a ferret.

Would get right into that hole.

Exactly. Absolutely.

I also have a ferret shaped hole in my heart. My childhood was kind of chaotic. There was a divorce and a bunch of step parents, and we always seemed to be moving, including a big move from Oregon to California, where ferrets are illegal. And so every summer when I'd go back up to Oregon to live with my dad, I would see the ferrets in the pet stores, and I would beg him to get me one, and he would say no. And in my little, tiny child mind, everything would have been fine if I could have just had a pet ferret.

I think they're grounding for me. Grounding, which is ironic, because they're very crazy.

Right.

They're kind of off the wall.

But it's like, you have to. You really have to be there with them.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to be in the moment. Yeah. They're very in the present moment. I do have a hard time being in the moment myself. Like, I'm usually thinking about either the past or the future, and I miss the moment. But not with them. You have to be in the moment with them. They demand it. So. He's being silly, isn't it?

He turned himself upside down and bit the bar, is, like, hanging upside down from it. A ferret is a paradox. It's so chaotic that it wraps all the way around into Zen. Absolute chaos forces, absolute presence. And so tomorrow, when I am immersed in hundreds of squiggly, wiggly ferrets at this show, I'm gonna be so freaking present. I might be fully in the moment for the first time in my whole life. All right, we should let everyone get to bed. Thank you so much for letting us hang in the hotel room. And who knows what could happen then? Might have to figure out how to get eight ferret sleeping hammocks onto the airplane home and a bunch of dead birds for them to snack on.

Oh.

Hey, breakfast sandwich too.

Oh, thank you.

Aaron, how do you not have a ferret vanity license plate?

I really. If I get a suv or a wagon, I want to call it the woozle wagon, and, like, have that on the back of it as a decal and then, like, woozle one as the license plate.

The next morning, we meet Aaron in a parking lot at the Ohio State fairgrounds. Oh, I just noticed your earrings. Those are great. Aaron is all decked out in ferret gear. Earrings, t shirt, purple ferret boots. Hey, Genesis. Today's your big day. Today's the day where you win. Genesis is looking glorious. Yeah, she looks even prettier this morning than she did last evening.

Now you can see her in the full light.

Yeah. Really? Look how clean and perfect she is. Gooseberry, you is also there. I can't even talk to you.

He loves you. He's not even biting.

I know. He's very calm this morning. He's in game shape.

Yeah.

Oh, no. There he goes.

Oh, yeah, that's gonna happen.

There he goes.

All right, let's get checked in.

We are a real parade of animals heading toward the hall. Aaron carries gooseberry. I carry Genesis. And Aaron's friend Karen is walking Millie the dog.

How are you? Are we going in that way? That way.

But it turns out we're actually too many animals.

You know, no animals are allowed in here. Dogs are allowed in. No dogs are allowed in. Oh, that's pretty obvious. You can't have a dog in the ferret show hall. Sorry. What are you gonna do with him, then?

The woman in charge of the ferret show, scarlett, is saying that millie has to go.

That will set all the ferrets off me. We don't want them biting the jet.

And as we're standing there clutching our animals. Go ahead. You can go. You can go. The line behind us starts to back up.

Do you know how many ferrets in there don't even know what a dog is, and you know how good their smelling is.

And I am finding this extremely stressful.

So it sets them off. You need me to do it, I'll do it. This is your gig. This is what you do.

That's when Aaron's friend Karen very stoically announces that she is going to walk Millie back to the hotel, 9 miles, halfway across columbus, ohio, with this dog she just met. And she takes the leash and just heads off.

Okay, where are we? Where did you say we were? Jamie's leg. I'm over somewhere.

So with the dog gone and feeling slightly shell shocked, we are finally allowed to enter the hall where we meet up with some of Aaron's ferret friends.

This is Roy.

Hello. Nice to meet you guys.

Hi. Crystal.

Do you feel bad at all about getting yelled at by Scarlett on your way in the door?

No, because I have no idea what's going on.

Everybody will get yelled at by Scarlett.

Everybody. Yeah, it's like a. It's just nothing.

Wait your turn. So she's famous for this?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's really nice. She's just very aggressive.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, you just kind of have to take it and, like, keep going.

That's kind of perfect because, like, ferret owners are the people who could do that the best. Right? Yeah. They actually all take it very well.

Yeah. Yeah. I just nod and smile because, like, I really don't know what the hell is going on. So.

Yeah, you seem. I have to say, you seem comfortable existing, like, in a level of sort of chaos.

I do?

Yeah.

Oh.

You seem chill and stuff's going on all around. You don't quite know what's going on.

Probably because I took my anxiety meds today, so that's good.

Okay.

I take Lexapro, so. Yeah. Yes. I had that get mine increased recently, actually, so I'm good now.

How many milligrams are we talking?

A 20 milligram.

Okay. I'm on ten.

Good times.

Yeah. You do seem very chill, though. Like getting yelled at about your dog. You're fine.

It is what it is.

She's yelling at us about the line. Nobody's going ahead of us.

It's fine. I think that as I get older, I just care less, so that that has something to do with it.

There is that about getting older that I, like. I felt that in my thirties for sure.

Yeah. Just kind of. Okay.

Now I'm in my forties. I'm, like, hardly even present on this earth. It's like a floating consciousness, unaffected by everything around me. So. Okay, what's the plan now?

I don't know. I think they start judging at ten, so.

Oh, really?

I think so. Probably waiting a schedule. Okay.

There are so many ferret categories. Just blizzards of categories and subcategories but there's really only one that matters to us. The big one that genesis will compete in.

Breeder.

Breeder. That's her three to six. It's gonna be a long day.

I know.

Which means I have approximately 7 hours to marinate in ferrets and try out the whole ferret lifestyle. So we're just walking around, kind of getting the scene and interviewing people. Hey, how's it going?

Good, how are you doing?

Hey, how you doing? And as I start talking to ferret owners, what was it like about a ferret or something that, like, appealed to you? What becomes clear is that I feel.

Like, oh, these are kind of my people.

Ferret people are their own special breed.

Good to get together with a group of ferret people. And everybody is so kind.

Anyone can own a cat or a dog. She has ferrets on her shoes. She's got so many ferret pins on her hat. But ferret owners take things to a whole different level.

I've had ferrets since 97, 86. That was my first ferret in 1982. And then after that, I got more, of course, because there's ferret math. As you can ask any of these guys, you start out with one, you end up with many. I came home with 27 parrots when I was only gonna come home with three. Yeah, 20. That's low for me. They're really cute and they're fun to play.

He just came up to me and he was just loving and just really cute.

I started playing with Muskie for ten minutes and I absolutely fell in love.

The love ferret people have for their ferrets.

I love my little golden nuggets.

It is a special love that can lead to some pretty wild situations.

I set up a baby pool, like.

Filling a pool with cool whip.

And the next thing you know, we at the Ferrets Cove and this cool whip, of course, some of them just licked, but after a while you seen them coming up through the cool whip and down through the cool whip, and it was. It was chaos. It was absolutely. Kay.

So are you all judges?

Um, yeah, we're board members, past presidents. She's current treasurer and I'm in charge of shit.

At one end of the hall, up on a stage, sit two official looking women, Sally Heber and Vicki McKimi. And today. You're judging?

Yeah, we're judging.

They've been working together in the ferret world since the 1990s. And their official duties have taken them all over the place. Japan, Australia, Germany.

Flights paid, hotels paid. We helped folks in Japan, set up their organization.

Sally and Vicki helped establish the American Ferret Association's official judging criteria.

We wrote the standard in a perspective of what did nature mean it to be.

And it gets pretty detailed.

So what we're looking for is they're.

Looking at every little bit from snout to tail structure of the ferret.

So we're actually feeling all the bones and then we go into the muscle mass. This is very important.

Hundreds of ferrets will pass through the expert hands of Sally and Vicki today, including Aaron's ferrets, Genesis and gooseberry. What's the rules on biting?

DQ'd disqualified if they puncture draw blood. They're out of here for all three judges, regardless if the other judges have seen them or not.

This is a long day for you. Long, long, focused days at exhausting.

The hotel closes at nine. I want to be back there. Get back in the hot tub. Yes. All right.

Well, have fun. Nudges to the stage. We do this as a blind showing if you've never been here before. So therefore the judges do not know who is bringing their ferrets up to be seen.

And then Genesis is up. I have no idea. Yeah, because they're running behind. So I don't even know anymore. I am a little concerned because I have an appointment to get to at 730 today, so I don't know what I'm gonna do.

At what time. 730?

Yeah.

And Goose has in the middle of all this.

Go get a car.

Erin tells me that she has decided to buy a car today.

I acquired another ferret while I was here, so. And then I was thinking to myself, where is it gonna go? I hadn't thought that far, to be honest with you, and that's a little embarrassing, but I figured it out.

And you had not planned this when you left New York?

No, it was. I mean, it was in. It was.

My car is almost old enough to vote and has a giant rust hole in the side and I still cannot bring myself to buy a new one. What kind of car are you getting?

It's a Hyundai Santa Fe sport 2013.

This has already been by far the most ferrety day of my life. And yet, as the hours crawl by one go, it keeps getting exponentially more ferrety. We watch a tube race. It's going backwards. And then an Elvis contest. Oh, they're weighing to see you as the fattest ferret. And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. You gonna buy any merch? So many t shirts to choose from. I'm definitely gonna buy a shirt. I think I'm gonna buy the introverted but willing to discuss ferrets. There's a black shirt that says ferret hair. Don't care. It's covered with little white lines so it looks like actual ferret hair. There's another shirt that says, unless you're a ferret, please get away from me. That's the one you should get. Revenge of the ferret. By late afternoon, things are so far behind schedule that the schedule might as well not have existed. And I've reached a point I didn't think was possible. I feel like I'm going ferret blind. Like I can't see ferrets anymore. I've seen so many ferrets.

That's a lot.

I've maybe had my fill of ferrets, but that doesn't stop Erin from trying to sell me one of her future ferret babies.

So you're ready now?

Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe next season.

Yeah. I'm scared to get a ferret.

Why?

Maybe I'm not up to it. All the energy it takes and all the, like. Because I get, like, you know, anxious and, like, overwhelmed and, like, depressed. And then what if. And then this ferret needs me.

Okay, so I get anxious and overwhelmed and depressed, too. And they help. Remember, we take the same pills.

Yeah.

Just different dosage. And the way that you handle. And you look at Genesis, I think you'd be a good parrot, dad, if you. But now if you get one, one, you know, you gotta get three. Three is the magic number.

I thought two was kind of the magic number.

No, because two is harder, because then they'll bond together. Maybe. And then if one of them dies, the other one gets really sad, and it dies shortly thereafter. So if you have three, it's just a better life, huh? Yeah, I would say three. A three is like having one, but better.

Looks like we're ready for the breeder, Jills. It's time.

Is it time?

Three originalities. Finally, it's time for Genesis to be crowned the greatest ferret ever to live on planet Earth. We head to the stage where Sally and Vicki are working their way down the line.

Number 613. Hey, Katie.

And then they get to Genesis. Here goes our girl. It's just a little squirmy. She got a giggle. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Easy, easy, easy. Don't get all excited. It's all fine and good. Okay?

There's, like, a maraca portion of the judging and a rubber duck portion.

Don't give them squeakies.

Like, she responded well to the duck.

That's like silk. I know. Her fur is gorgeous.

As we wait for the scores to be tallied, for the finalists to be called up, it's like Erin is over there getting all packed up. I see Erin leaving the hall. Yeah, there she goes. She's coming back after she gets her new car is the plan. This means I am in charge now. We are ready for callbacks for breeder. 501, 503, 506, 507, 507, 501, 503, 506, 507. I'm standing, clenching my sweaty fists as the announcer calls back all the ferrets that have placed in Genesis's category. Genesis's number is 613, 609, 611, and 612. But they never call it. Genesis wins. Nothing. Yeah, I feel too blasted to talk to anybody and I actually feel crushed. I got all swept up in the rush of competition and now my nervous system feels like a dirty old rung out sponge by this point. We've been here almost 12 hours. Things are running so late that the guy who rented out the hall is standing in the doorway, looking furious with his keys in his hand. The vendors and breeders are all scrambling, packing their merch and breaking down tables. One of the winning ferrets gets her foot stuck in the trophy, and the whole thing is ending in a crescendo of ferret chaos.

Alrighty, we gotta lose ferret.

Did somebody. Yes, but someone needs to identify it.

And yet, somehow, there is still one last category left to judge. It's called passport for ferrets with foreign ancestry, which means gooseberry. Our hungarian ferret will be the last chance to win anything. But Aaron is still gone. It's just me and goose, and I really want the two of us to get a win. So I open his carrier, I look at him and he looks at me. Then he pops right out and nestles into my hands like he belongs there. Like he's been custom shaped to fit my grip.

How's it going?

Good. He's pretty chill. He's interested in my beard. He's definitely gonna shoot out of my hands in a second here. Ouch.

Okay.

Bit my arm. Vicki beckons us up to her table. She twists and turns gooseberry in her hands. She looks in his mouth and his ears, and he doesn't bite her or claw her. For once, he's actually a good boy. And then, very matter of factly, she hands him back to me like he's my ferret. He's an attic, so we always meant to do something that's pretty big and what if he was? Be a really good place for a ferret. For two or three ferrets, they could really run around and have their own space. They wouldn't smell up the rest of the house.

In 8th place. It's 09:05.

Vicki starts calling out the winners countdown style.

04:05. 6th place is 904. 5th place is 101.

What's happening?

Fourth place is 901.

Holy crap.

That's. Third place is 909. You little fig. Can I see 108? One or nine? Sam has to show gooseberry again to break a tie. I think. Second place goes to 109. And first place. That's what they go.

Second place. In the final competition of the Buckeye bash. Gooseberry, the world's most ferrety ferret, has won second place. Okay, okay, okay, okay, bud. Oh, I got it. I gotta get the picture. I pick up my triumphant green ribbon. Did you get 2nd? 2nd.

Awesome.

And gooseberry and I get our official Buckeye bash photo.

Congratulations, guys.

All right.

Thank you.

Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it, buddy. I told you we'd do it. I told you. Coming into today, you were a star and a champion. Is Aaron coming back? Just then, Aaron texts us a photo of her new car, a brown Hyundai with a giant yellow bow on it. It's big enough to fit her dog, her friend Karen, and all of her ferrets, at least for now. This guy got second place. And we text her back a photo of me with my ribbon, holding goose, looking almost terrifyingly happy.

Have a great evening.

She says she'll be wrapped up with paperwork for a while and asks if I will take the ferrets back to the hotel, which, of course, I'd love nothing more.

Yeah, we did. Holy crap, look at you.

When we meet Erin, I tell her everything. So that's all your ribbons. I have my ribbons.

Yeah, I was gonna say you're gonna give that one up?

And then I reluctantly surrender my ribbon, which I was hoping she would let me keep.

Thank you. Thank you for doing that for me, for being there.

My pleasure.

What is that? He's tired and hungry.

We all say goodbye, good night. And when I leave, my ferrets stay behind. This episode was produced by Crystal Duhame and Larissa Anderson with help from Caitlin Roberts. It was reported by me, Sam Anderson, and edited by Wendy Doar and Larissa Anderson. It was engineered by Marion Lozano. Our executive producer is Paula Schumann. Original music by Marion Lozano, Dan Powell and Elisha ba Etoup. Fact checking by Caitlin Love. Special thanks to Jake Silverstein, Sasha Weiss and Sam Dalnick. Also to all the ferret people who showed me their ways, Scarlett Grace, sailing, Sally Heber, Vicky McKimmy and all the many others I met at the bash and at the hotel bar who told me that ferrets don't actually smell that bad and I should just get one. Aaron Ehrman now runs sugar and Spice Ferretree, and I am happy to report that last summer Genesis gave birth to a litter of ten gorgeous kits. The father was gooseberry. You can listen to all of our episodes wherever you get podcasts or visit our website@nytimes.com. animal I'm Sam Anderson. Thanks for listening.