Hey, bad friends. I am on tour this fall, coming to see you. I'm all over the place. We're adding shows. We're adding dates. I am so excited. In between Bobby and I, going to Australia, New Zealand, I'm going to be going everywhere, man. I'm going all over the place. I'm going to Indiana. I'm going to Ohio. I'm going back home to Chicago. I'm going to Oklahoma. I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska. I am going to Charlotte, Atlanta. You name it, I'm there. Kansas City, Cleveland. I am there. Come see me in Boston. In St. Louis and Grand Rapids. Come on and see your boy. Go to andresantino.com for those tickets. Andrewsantino.com dot.

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude.

I'm an asian dude.

You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.

Wow. Oh, really? What are you?

Dark night. You're not the dark knight.

Wow. Wow, wow.

Dude, he walks in here like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's met Roy. Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince.

Is this tap?

We have to refill the bottles. That is true. We do refill them. Guy sells out arenas and we give him the wrong address.

He was. Wait right there. I'll pick you up. It's sweltering outside.

What address did you give him?

The funniest uber driver on the way over.

Put on your cans if you want them. If you don't want them, you don't have to.

I'll wear them. I'll wear them. Hairs melted anyways.

No, no, no.

Beautiful.

Fro fancy. Do you care to talk about your mistake already?

Yeah, I know this was coming. Just a number off.

Just a number off of our address. Our work address. So, copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact location.

Yeah.

We've been here for three years, and you led our guest astray 5 miles down the road. Pretty bad.

They have google maps in every country.

Everywhere. Every country. And by the way, 5 miles in Los Angeles, a different state.

Oh, yeah. But he said, like, 30 km down the road or something.

He doesn't see that. He doesn't know. Yeah, he doesn't know what's going on. Well, let's give it up for our beautiful, wonderful guest, Matt rife. Buddy.

Buddy, buddy.

Thanks for having me.

Buddy, buddy, buddy. You know, I remember when you were a youngster.

Yeah, I know, dude.

You were soft and young, you know?

I mean, I know. Very malleable at the time.

Yeah.

First of all, he's still young.

I'm a young girl. Oh, people are young, but they can also be younger at one point.

Yeah. I feel like you were never young. I feel like you were always Bobby. I don't know if you ever had a youthful face, dude.

I'm youthful now, dog.

No, no, really? You look like you sell gremlins now. That's so good.

And I do.

Yeah.

And I do the mogwise.

How old were you on tv?

42.

I was in my late twenties.

For real?

Yeah. Why?

No, you started at 25, right? Isn't that what it was?

23 is what I.

23.

Stand up.

No, no, on mad tv. 25.

I was 30.

Really?

Yeah.

Looked so young on that.

Yeah, he did. He looked like a little baby.

I didn't even. I didn't even have hair down there. Yeah, I got my first hair at 39.

Good boy.

Yeah.

And, Matt, how old are you now?

I'm 28.

You and I meth. I want to say. Tell me if I'm wrong. Ten years ago? Is that how long I've known you?

Yeah, I'd say so. I've been in LA for eleven years, so ten sounds.

I met you about nine to ten years ago. Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time. We've watched your ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person that got.

You're a good, great comic. Good dude. And when, you know, sometimes when he was blowing up, for a second there, I hear some girls got. Well, he's just hot. And I'd just be like, no, he's got a skill set. You can't get there without the skillset.

Cause a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business and.

Honestly, I've always thought you were ugly and you don't do stuff.

Thank you.

White dudes like you, it does nothing for me. Me, me.

Really?

Yeah.

Never.

I'm not even nervous right now.

Dan, who's your, like, male celebrity crush?

I'm more Sandy Danto right here. Sandy Danto? Yeah. I like pudge. A little pudge in there.

Yeah. Little character. Yeah.

I like the black ones.

I mean, that's reasonable.

Like the Ian Edwards.

You like to think realistic.

That was the polar opposite of Sandy Danto.

I know. I like. Could I have a variety. There's a variety of men that I.

Like that you like. Attainable, though. That's really nice. That's. That's.

I think. I think that you're getting somewhere.

I don't think you can get Ian.

I don't think you can get Ian.

I think you can get Ian.

I don't know, dude.

Well, first of all, Ian's vegan, and you're the opposite.

I can get one of the Ian. I get Ian. Baghdad.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can get, um, Ian McKay. Not in mcKay. Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Did you spell my name wrong?

What does it say?

Matt Rice.

Oh, yeah.

I did it because I love, everything's asian for with. So by. When I read it, it just.

You do this?

Yeah. That's fancy.

It's his name. Fancy.

Yeah. Not so more.

I'm so sorry.

Not some more.

What?

No, Matt. Matt Rice is because of Bobby. He has, he dreams. He dreams in Chinese, and I dream in Chinese, dude. And with you, he dreams of you. Let's be real. You do look a little asian. Like a little. You do have a little bit of asian.

Which country?

Uh, you know, more jungle thai? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Closer to South Asia.

Okay.

And it's because your hair is your nut.

Sectic dumplings.

I thought you were saying I look pre op. Thanks.

You have even. Do you have even balls, or does one hang lower?

No, one's definitely lower.

Which one do you know?

Left.

Everybody knows.

I think.

I think the left.

Left?

I'm pretty sure.

Are you left or right? Which one hangs lower, left or right?

If they're all equal, I'm asian.

You're an equal. What about you?

Science?

I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties.

I'm righties.

I don't know. Now I'm questioning.

I know, dude. You look down at it, you can't tell. My left nut has always been longer than my right nuthenne, but my skin is thick.

My skin's thick, and it's extra wrinkly. It looks like it's wise. I mean, have you seen it?

Ask him a question.

Your sack ask.

No, but it's so rick as yours. Wrinkly.

Yeah.

You might so wrinkly, though.

Yeah.

You know. You know, it looks like a rubber in aliens on the planet had the eggs.

Uh huh.

Yeah. That stuff on the outside, I think I have that.

It kind of looks like Dikembe Mutombo's head. Your nuts.

Yeah. Let me see, let me see.

Like, his bald, wrinkly head. That's Bobby balls.

Look like Brussels sprouts.

Yeah.

Yeah. You kind of look the top of December. Yeah.

Whoa.

When it's shaved.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, go back to the testicle thing. I want to. I do want to see? Okay, so unilaterally and bilaterally, the left testes is usually lower than the right because of its heavier weight. So we're in the. We're in the. We're in the majority, my friend.

I like that.

But my mind doesn't sag.

Can I just show you your nuts are tight. Yeah, please. Yeah. Matt. I. Close your eyes. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt.

A matt.

What?

I'm not kidding. They're the exact same size.

No way.

No, they're perfect.

For real.

Ah, Matt. Well, someone's gonna get. Someone's gonna famous on TikTok. You do have very parallel nuts.

How do you, like I said, did it work at it, or is this naturally like that?

It's just, well, you know, I don't use it much.

Well, you know how you can, like, if you know, for, like, a physical, you cough and they go up. Are you able to, like, cough one up higher than the other?

No, no, no. I think there's only one in there, maybe.

Yeah, just.

There could be just one in the middle.

Which side?

Can you look into this? Cause I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's like you're supposed to be more creative.

Hmm.

I've heard this before.

Like, left brain, right brain. Yes, except the opposite for your balls.

But still a brain.

That makes sense.

You know how your nose is stuffy on one side and you lean to the other side, and then the boogers will go, and then you can breathe on. Yeah, that's what my nose is.

You can do that?

Yeah, yeah, that's all my nerves are like that.

Yeah, I've just stayed congested.

I didn't know, you know, you've never laid in bed and, like, on one side of stuffy, so just lay on the other side and then just let the. The boogers go on. Oh, you gotta try that.

I'm just learning.

Lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head and that. You clear me out. You just reminded me, dude, when I was. When I was going for basketball in high school, they make you go get a physical. You know, you had to get physicals for school. And I went to this, like, janky, you know, I don't know, like, a quick. They needed me to go to, like, a quick doc. Someone I haven't been to before. Back before, what do you call it? Urgent care was a thing. I went to, like, a local yokel, and I just needed it because practice was the next day. So I go into this guy, I'm not kidding. I'll go with my dad. I'll never forget. He's like, would you like to come in the room? And my dad was like, no. What the fuck? No. Why would I go in the room with. He's like, oh, just for safety and security. And he was like, no, it's fine. I don't want to see my son's penis. What? It was. I get in the room, he's like, go ahead. I drop down. He's feeling around, doing his thing, blah, blah, blah.

Pull it up. I go back out. We're checking out. He's filling out the forms. My hand to God. He goes, your son's growing up. No, your son's growing up. He had never seen me before. He didn't know. I could have peaked. You know what I mean? I could have already peaked. He didn't know I was still growing.

Whoa.

But he said, your son's growing up.

I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect. After, like, the third pitch. I would have been like, should I be in there?

Yeah. What are you gonna do to my son?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your son's growing up. What? That guy said he got disbarred. We sued him.

So your dad's never seen your penis?

Of course my father seen my pee. What are you talking about? But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Has your father seen your penis?

My dad's dead, so probably.

Probably.

Oh, yeah, that's the one.

As a youngster. As a youngster, you saw it, right?

I don't know. He and my mom weren't even together.

Oh, okay.

I was alive.

How old did your dad die when you. How old were you when he died?

One and a half.

Oh, my God.

Well, his dad just died. For real?

I relate.

How recently?

Four years ago. It's a while.

That's not even, like. Just.

Yeah, it's a long time.

Yeah.

How old was he?

He was like 8100. Six, but.

So you never knew your dad?

No, no. He was like. He was 21 when he died.

Oh, how did he die?

Oh.

Oh, wait. Let's guess.

Let me guess.

Always live a. Let's guess.

Oh, I know.

He was 26.

21.

21. Okay, I got it.

Yeah, yeah. What's yours?

21St birthday. Your dad goes out, right? He's partying, he's having a good time. Somebody goes, what was his name?

Mike.

Mike. Mike. Mike. Let's get on a motorcycle. Let's do wheelies. Doing wheelies?

Yeah.

Really bad accident, huh? He's alive.

Okay?

He's totally fine.

Yeah.

He goes back to the bar, drinks some more parties, picks up a strange man to hang out with to go do, go rooting Tootin.

Right?

Goes back to the man's apartment.

Boom.

Jeffrey Dahmer.

Whoa.

I'm not gonna confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this, okay?

Go ahead.

Oh, my. I know it fully.

What?

It's almost as if I was there. Okay. 4 July, your dad was naked. But one of his buddies in the south. Arkansas. In a backyard. Right?

From Arkansas. He's from Ohio.

Before he happened to be there on a business trip.

Yeah, he was traveling.

Your parents didn't know. Your mom didn't know.

What was he selling on the business? He's a salesman, right?

Firecrackers.

Oh, he's selling firecrackers. 4 July, state to state.

Yeah, yeah. And he's going to the south to sell this. You know me. It's actually a trucking company, right? And it's this. The guy, the head of the trucking company's house, he was like, amen. Your dad was like, amen. I have the best firecracker. So they have a thing. They get drunk, they're all naked, right? It's like eight at night.

That's how you sell firecrackers.

Right, right. You know what I mean? And, you know, there's no gay things going on.

What? What? No one even said.

I know, but I just. They were. They were.

You didn't know my dad.

Yeah, I didn't know your dad. Yeah. They were like. They're poking.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? And then your dad. Fuck. Why he did this. He threw a little firecracker in the air. A sparrow came down, bit the fucking firecracker, right. And started going. Doing loopy loops.

Uh huh.

Like, you know what I mean? Like a sparkler in the sky. Right, right. And then your dad was naked. You. He bent over to get on the firecracker. The sparrow goes right into his butthole with the firecracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? There's an explosion, but he doesn't die.

Wow.

But it hurts so bad.

So bad.

And here's the thing. They all start laughing. No, for the trucking company.

That's how you grew.

You fuck it. And they see the f word for some reason.

Yeah. Why?

I don't know why.

Okay.

That doesn't mean he's gay.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they spin on him, too.

Wow.

I don't know why it's a south, right? But the sparrow's still alive, dude.

My mom listens to Sparrow. My mom listens to every podcast I do. This can't be the one.

The sparrow's still alive, dude. It's unbelievable. It's like a zombie sparrow, right? The wings are gone, spine, face right, and out of the left eye of the sparrow comes out a little tapeworm.

Oh, wow.

This tapeworm, right, has fucking. The first case of COVID way before Wuhan did.

A little chinese tapeworm.

Yeah. In the eyeball of the sparrow.

Wow.

What are the odds, right? Yeah, your ass. Your. Your dad's ass exploded, right?

Still alive.

He's still alive, your dad.

Right.

But he's like, call the cops.

Strong guy. He was strong.

Yeah, he was. He was. His hands were in the dirt. The earth. Scratch, scratch.

Call the cops, please.

Or the police. I mean, ambulance.

Yeah.

Doesn't know what he's saying. He said cops first.

Uh huh.

Doesn't even know what he's saying because he's so fucking honestly. Right. No, dude, this fucking little fucking maggot.

Nope. Yeah, not a maggot. Try again.

This worm, it's a little worm. Tapeworm.

Tapeworm, yeah.

You know, in the south, they call it both.

Oh, that you do. You're right. Yeah.

Right. It goes inside the opening of his ass and he gets infected. Died two weeks later. Anyway. Wow.

What really happened?

It was a fucking chinese tapeworm.

Are you serious?

From the Arkansas?

Yeah.

How did you know that? You read about it?

Yeah.

You? Yes. And at a sparrow in.

Sounded reasonable.

Good old fashioned suicide.

Oh, shit.

I know.

Oh, good old fashioned.

Good old fashioned. The american dream. Real.

Was he depressed?

No, he was stoked.

He was fucking.

Yeah, he was a happy suicide.

Got a new gun. Yeah, he was on some uppers.

I mean.

See you later, son. My God. Was he happy? Yeah, he was amped.

What? I was asking what?

I know sometimes I'm walking on sunshine. Whoa. Jesus.

I'm so sorry. Hold on. I'm so sorry. I was rude.

That's it.

What I'm saying is that sometimes, you know.

No.

Yes. If he was drunk, right.

He wasn't.

And he was thinking, right, that maybe. You know what I mean? That's what I was asking.

So he had you at 20 years old?

Yes.

Wow.

And unfortunately took his own life a year later.

I'm so sorry, man.

I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it. Almost certainly, yeah.

Had he known you'd be selling out arenas, he would have waited. Probably would have waited.

Yeah.

Would have stuck around.

I would think. So, yeah, there's also. There's also a theory. My own theory. Right? He. He's not even on the birth certificate. Because he did. He didn't think I was his, because he and my mom, officially, but.

Did you think your mom was hooking up with other guys?

Yeah, definitely thought she was.

Okay.

She swears. Right?

Right.

I don't think I look anything like my dad at all. And my mom always tells me I look like this guy she dated in high school, like, before she met my dad.

So what did you DNA test?

I've thought about it.

You gotta get about it, dude. You gotta get a DNA test at the 23.

Now it's like. But I don't wanna, like, now that I'm at where I'm at in my life now. I don't wanna, like, go and tell this guy, hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket.

No. You don't give him money. He doesn't get shit.

Well, yeah, no, he earns it.

He earns it.

It's like, what. What could I use him for at this point?

Tour manager.

Tour manager. Not a bad idea.

Sneaker cleaner.

Okay, let me just say something to you, Matt. Okay.

That was the grossest way I've ever seen.

Anyway.

Like, you were drinking it from a hose.

Okay, come on, let's move on.

The fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We ping pong.

Let's see that.

Yeah.

Anyway, congrats, by the way. Huge it.

Bow and arrow to archery.

Archery. Yeah.

Yeah. We kill it.

Yeah, you did. Okay.

Okay. Anyway, can I ask, how many gold.

Medals does Korea have right now?

Oh, my God.

You korean?

Yeah.

For now. 21 total medals. Nine gold.

Yeah. It's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty.

Not amazing.

It's not. America.

33. Okay.

Yeah. Would you say Britain?

Britain is 33.

Yeah. Yeah.

Us, 61 medals. Come see about us.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, you know who's in first.

Yeah. But we're also the size of Delaware.

Korea?

Yeah.

What does that have to do with it?

It's a small country, dude.

So what? Go back up to the top.

Yeah.

France isn't fucking that big now, Francis. Not big at all.

You want?

Yeah. Okay. Is it bigger than Korea, though?

Everything is. Everything's bigger.

Okay. No. Okay. Anyone? That's. I wouldn't. I forget you.

What?

I was gonna ask Matt, man.

You're talking about his dad.

How did your dad die?

Oh, no.

Choked on a piece of kimchi. It was awful to watch.

He was there. He wouldn't do the Heimlich or anything.

I thought he was saying, I'm joking because we were just fucking around the whole time. We're eating homo token.

What I'm saying, let me go.

He died of natural causes.

He does a natural charger. But, um, let me get to this point, please. So one of my favorite shows I've talked about, I know you guys are bored that I talk about all the time, but. Long lost family.

I know. Yeah.

There's an episode of. You ever seen it?

Never even heard of it.

It's on TLC. It's one of the greatest shows ever made.

It's pretty incredible to watch.

Incredible about. It's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that gave up a kid, you know, for adoption. They try to find them and they reunite and it's super sweet.

Yeah.

Okay, so there was this one girl on it. I think it was the first season. She. She's from California. Am I boring you?

No, dude, I'm listening.

I just don't like the way you do that. Okay, well, you go like that.

I was burping.

Okay, so I'm not gonna start over. So anyway, so this is a girl, right? And when she was like, 19 years old, some guy said, what? You're italian. She said, I'm not italian. You look at your face, you're italian. So she went to home, she goes, this guy said that, I'm italian. I'm not italian. And then her mom goes, well, your dad's really not your real dad. And told her that.

Oh, that, that would kill you, man.

It would just keep lying. Yeah, you're not fucking italian.

I think she would. The mom was holding in for so long and it was like she was waiting for a window. And that was the window.

It was killing her.

It was killing her. So. And then the girl freaks out, like, what the fuck is she like? Yeah, I mean, she. You. That's your dad. She loves you. Like, you know. Yeah, but I want it. So then 20 years later, this show comes about and she's like, I'm gonna try to find this guy. And he knew. So she had an animal sanctuary in California. She raised llamas. And you love Santoris. Any story with a sanctuary?

Sanctuary?

Yeah, we're working on it.

We're working on it.

We're working on it.

Right. And so they find the guy, right? And he's like a park ranger in Oregon and he has an animal sanctuary.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

Center of blood.

Yeah. So what I'm saying is, is that, you know, they. And then they. When they met. They look exactly alike. And they just. You can see in the show they're just bonded. Like, it was an instant.

So beautiful.

You're right. And so it's like, she's not gonna go. He's not gonna go. Hey, can I have some of your llamas? Like, that's your paranormal, right? No, they just want to meet.

Yeah, but, yeah, me.

So what I'm saying is, is that because he has a bigger sanctuary than he does, right. You know, he's not gonna go, give me some of your fucking, you know, marsupials.

He might.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think.

Got a lot of platypus. Right.

So what I'm saying, if you find your biological dad, you just want to meet him. And you, who knows? There might be a connection. He might. He's not gonna ask for anything.

How do you know? You're like, you. You're assuming that that's like, you don't know.

You know? Let me put my fucking smart hat on.

Okay?

Okay. So it didn't work.

You. Yeah. With your hair up front. You look like that kid from up. Little.

What?

With your hair coming to the front. You look like a little fat kid from up. Yeah, that kid. That's exactly what you look like right now.

So fucking cute.

Yeah, I'm so cute.

You. You are so cute. That's you.

Oh, yeah.

That's a hundred percent you when your hair goes up.

Let me see. I can do that kid.

That's you. That's you, dude.

Adorable dude.

So adorable, dude. But I fucking a machine and I have to throw that out there.

So.

So I just know everyone. I'm cute, but ladies, I fuck like a machine anyway. Okay.

Did you ever. Did you ever get a. Did you ever get a backup dad?

Do you ever get back up that. Yeah, the stepdad.

Step dad. Yeah, of course it was. He still around?

Uh, no, he. My mom got divorced like, probably six, seven years ago.

Something. Now, is she gonna swing again, your mom? Or do you think this is it?

Oh, she's dating a new guy. Yeah.

Okay. Would she get married for the third time, you think?

Who? She was never married the first time.

Okay. Right.

Second time.

What we're basically trying to ask you is if she was single and I'm single, would I. Can I go out with her?

Because your mom and him might be the same age.

Your mom is your mom.

Oh, no. My mom's 48.

Did you fucking 52? Older than his mother.

Mom's 48. Yeah, I'm 52.

I know.

God, dude, I could be the same age as your mom.

First of all, you could never. Yeah, she's an angel.

No, stop, stop.

No, she wouldn't.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Everyone stop. Okay?

Because what he just did, maybe you stop. Honestly.

I'm sorry. I know he's a big star.

She said, you can't.

My show, mom. My show, dude.

Okay, dude, your show.

All right.

You're the captain.

All right, so it's. So can we admit I am at the captain now?

You are the captain.

Right? So what I'm asking you, mister Rife, is. Is that I ain't good enough for your mom, dog.

What is that?

I know. I just.

Why did you say South Korea?

What? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man. I ain't good enough for your mom, dog?

No, he's from Ohio.

American spirit.

Okay?

She smokes marble.

Marlboro light. But if I called you and I said, yo, dude, Matt's your stepdad, Bob, that would feel weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But why? I'm a good dude.

No, you're not.

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Okay, what do you think you could offer me as a father figure? This is good. This is like shark tank.

Okay. What I can offer you is spiritual guidance.

Spiritual guidance?

Yes, spiritual guidance. Did I stutter, dog?

I did, yeah. So you couldn't be my dad. Possibly. What could you teach me about spiritual guidance? Guidance? Like, are you teaching me?

I don't know what the problem is right now, dude.

Maybe I'm lost. Maybe I'm, what are you lost about? Maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm gonna be for the rest of my life.

Okay. What I was, I was, well, what I would sit down with you is right now is my serious an exercise. I said just put your hands on wherever the surface of that, of this pool floating. Yeah. And just really feel the texture, the temperature of it, right.

Feels plasticky.

Feel your feet. You're grounded. Right?

Yeah, one of them.

The smells right now, right. Whatever you're smelling, even the office smell, right?

Edamame.

Exactly. A little edamame, right? The air conditioner. You can hear that little, little purl, right?

Yeah, it's a window, right.

And all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling on to those fucking senses right now. That's the only thing that exists now.

The present.

The present moment. Is it working?

Is it pretty good?

Is it working? What I'm saying is that Matt, you see one side of me, but there's many sides to. Namaste, Bobby Lee.

Namaste, Bobby Lee.

And I have other knowledge and wisdom that I could give you, but you're not just. You're not open to it, right? So for you to say that I'm not good enough for your mother is, quite frankly, rude.

By the way, a spiritual. An aggressive. Passive aggressive spiritual coach is so funny.

Yeah, man.

No funny, dude. Passive aggressive?

What kind of toxic mister Miyagi shit is this?

Do you feel that? For you to even think.

All right, all right. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't.

His mom gaslit me in my own therapy.

Yeah, I know.

His mom is an angel.

I know she is. But, you know, it's just rude for him to say that.

It's not. It's his mom.

It's not. It's not that. I think she could do better.

I do. How about this?

Okay?

Here's what I'm afraid of. As a third party viewer of all this.

Uh huh.

You're gonna come in there, try to get into this family. Cause you want some of his llamas? You don't have as many llamas as he does.

But I got llamas. Old llamas.

Freddy, your farm from different countries. Your farm needs a new fence.

Okay?

This motherfucker has acreage.

You. Okay? Can I just say.

You understand?

Yeah. When it comes to llamas, though, right? All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive.

Yeah. You were worried about selling out stand up live. Okay, so you're. You know what I'm saying?

That's a comedy club.

Yeah. Guys doing fucking arenas. I think he's got a couple of more. A couple more llamas. We did sold out, but it's just different.

We.

Yeah. Together.

Yeah, together. Oh, really? Oh, really, Bruce? All right, you're a solo artist. Fine. Let's move on.

Was Bobby on, Dave?

I can't wait till the E Street band leaves you, Matt.

Yeah, yeah.

Can we go back to. So, Matt, what I'm saying is that. Yes. The guy that your mom's dating now, not that I want to destroy the relationship, but what I'm just hypothetically saying is that you've met him before.

Yeah.

You like him.

So let me. I can already bet this. Now, I might have more llamas than him.

You probably do.

Yes.

Okay. Way more credits. Look at my md.

Has he been on tv or film?

He was in jail, so probably cops.

Hey, yeah.

That's a good show.

Highly.

Ready? Show. Yeah. Yeah.

Love that show.

Also, I I've never cheated on anybody.

Good.

That's a truth.

That's good.

That's a good thing.

I always pay for meals.

Good. That's a good thing.

Okay, two for two.

Ballet and whatnot. And guess what, pal. For your birthday.

Mm hmm.

You get not something that has a price tag to it, but something ingenious and something that you're gonna go, you know what? I'm gonna put this on my mantle.

It's an origami towel.

You should see this guy make a swan on a bed.

Yeah. It's unbelievable. I would be very mindful about making you something that you're gonna go, oh, that was, you know, really thoughtful. So that's it.

Wow.

I threw my pitch.

What do you think?

Nah.

Yeah. All right, all right.

I'm out.

You know why you're saying that? And let's move on. It's because I'm korean.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

You're being racist.

That's not true. That's not. That's not. That's not true.

Let's move on. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you.

Well, my mom's single.

Are you single right now?

I am.

Oh, you are? Good for you.

Well, mom's single.

How old, your mom?

80.

Ageless.

Yeah. Yeah.

Age.

But her a. Her vag? 23.

Really?

Yeah.

Reconstructive or just oils and stuff?

Yeah.

She's burns.

She lives in a genie lamp. You got to rub the lamp to get her out of there.

Do you think your mom would ever date again?

No, it's dead. The shops closed.

We'll see.

Yeah, there's no more maggots.

Old rickety gate down there.

Yeah, it's rickety, but. So you were. The last time I talked to. You were in a relationship? Yeah. And then who broke up with who? We broke up together. Mutual.

Yeah. That's the best answer I've ever heard. We broke up.

Yeah. Can I. Can I ask you what. Because, you know, I have a checklist of what I like in a woman.

Okay.

So can I ask you some checklists?

By all means.

Okay, so from scale to one to ten, what's the number? The lowest number, you'll go, like, in terms of. Look, just physical.

Esthetically. Esthetically, we're talking, like, la numbers. Like, genuinely real world numbers. Real world numbers in Ohio eight, I think.

Oh, that great.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my standard.

Ohio eight.

Ohio eight. That's great. Does she need a college education?

No.

Okay.

Do you have a college education.

I don't even graduate high school.

Yeah, he didn't finish. You have a GED?

I have. What's equivalent to a GED?

Can we order him a GED, please?

Get him on Amazon prime.

Yeah, you can. Yeah, yeah. We can get a same day if we order before. Yeah.

Okay. She says to you, Matt, I hate all animals.

Oh, tough. That's really tough.

That's hates them.

I mean, she's just like. I just like if I'm around, touch him and stuff. But it's like, I'll never own a dog.

Let's be too for him. And you be that girl. I'll be this girl and we'll see who.

Okay.

We'll see.

Well, let's start from the beginning, cuz I wanna introduce myself.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Okay. Hello.

I'm sorry, go ahead.

Yeah. Just disregard this. I'm a. Ohio a.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Just visualize it. Ohio a. Right.

Okay.

Yeah, my name is Shuki.

Shuki.

Yeah. And. And my last name Shaka. So I go by Shuki. Shuki shaka. Okay. Junior. Anyway, so I. I never went to college. I don't have an accent. I don't have an accent.

You do.

Shut up.

Shooky. Shooky. You do.

I don't want one.

Okay.

I don't think you like it.

All right, I might like it.

No, no. I just want to do this. I'm Shuki. Shuki shama.

Okay.

All right.

Okay. Shooky.

Yeah. Anyway, um. Yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like I really don't have any dreams or aspirations. And I hate animals. Like, if I see a llama or if I see like a mongoose or something, I'll go, oh, look, there it is. And I might like touch it, but it's like I have no connection. I've never connected with an animal. And I just think the animals are out there for eating.

You won me at the end. Big fan of eating animals. But also I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit. So to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a red flag. A little bit.

But I have a talent.

And what's that?

And I make sculptures out of pine cones.

What's the scale of these pine cones?

I use maple syrup because I'm canadian as well.

Shooky. Shooky the Canadian. Hi.

Shaka the Canadian. And I do this art with pine cones and needles. Pine needles, all right. Yeah.

I like a girl who sells shit on etsy.

And the last one I did was I did a big sculpture of brine fairyland from.

Of what?

Ryan Ferry, the lead singer of Roxy music.

Something. You described it. And somehow I knew.

Also. And also Toto the band.

Toto.

No, toto the dog from. From the wizard of Oz. Yeah. It's like a brine fairy. And Toto's on his shoulder. And the other, other one, right, is Jaime. Jaime from Harry Potter. What's her name?

Hermione.

Hermione, yeah. And it made Hermione out of all pine needles.

All right, I'm back in.

Yeah. It just doesn't look spiky.

What's your Harry Potter house?

My Harry Potter house? Well, you know, it's like, um. I don't do Dumbledore.

You think the house is Dumbledore?

Well, I fucked him when I was there. I fucked up. Which is. He's old, but no. Um. Hufflepuff.

Okay.

I'm hufflepuff.

Okay. That's pretty cool.

Ravenclaw. I kicked out of Ravenclaw. You know what I mean? But hufflepuff for sure. Who's this?

Yeah, who's this fine piece of meat?

Whoa. First of all, hey.

Yeah. Yeah, we've met. We've met.

Suki. Suki shaka.

Remember?

So go ahead.

I'm Martha. I'm six eight. I like sushi. I don't. I have never wiped once poop or peeved. I don't believe in matching shoes. I drive a geo metro. I live in Acton.

Acton?

Acton?

Acton, Ohio?

Yes. And I'll suck your bone dry.

Sold.

Wow.

It's literally all.

Wow.

Pretty easy.

All it took.

The sucky sucking bone dry is good.

Yeah, man. No. No pine cones.

Just get a dream, fuck face.

Ew. I'm trying to support my own.

Somebody that has a dream fuck nard.

No.

No.

All right.

No, preferably they have a dream.

Here's what I don't like when I'm going on a date and I go, what do you want to do? I don't. Nothing.

Oh, yeah.

Like, that's so. It's such a turn off.

What do people like that. You know what's interesting? You get, I'm sure you're a very eligible bachelor. Right? What are you now doing? Because you're not on the apps. What are you doing to meet people now?

I don't. I don't meet anybody.

So you just are? I don't date if it's organic and you meet through a friend or a. Through the grapevine, I suppose.

But, dude, I'm.

But you're out for now. You're not.

Yeah, I'm not interested in anybody.

Good for you.

I just.

I can't stay, stay working, actually. But be careful on the work part. Do you remember what I told you at Burt's premiere? Do you remember when I pulled you aside and what I told you?

Uh, yeah. Don't. Don't go to Bobby's house.

Don't go to Bobby's house. Verbatim.

What'd you say at first premier?

I said to you, I'm proud of you, I'm happy for you. And I said, just don't let them work you to death.

And they sure did.

And then a. And then within like a month we were in.

I saw that.

Yeah, riverside or some shit. And this motherfucker announced like a three year tour. I'm like, they got us ass.

Yeah.

How are you feeling being touring so as much as you are?

Well, I had to take two weeks off cuz I almost. I thought I was gonna fucking die. I went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever. And I was doing this casino in. Was this Sun Valley in Norcal.

Hmm.

I don't know. I don't. Maybe I've noticed, you know? Yeah, sure.

And I was on like. I was only like four days. There's no sleep. And I'm sitting down. I got this fucking wireless hands free mic now. Yeah, I'm one of those.

Yeah, hands free.

And I'm like, holding. I'm sitting down the whole time, holding on, holding on to the stool, like, trying to keep myself from, like, falling overdem. I can't look out into the crowd. My vision's just going so in and out. I'm like, if I just get through this, I have three days off before my next show. I'll just rest. I didn't sleep for those entire three days. Why so then when I just. I couldn't sleep.

Well, what did I say?

That you can't sleep.

I'm glad you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice. But I didn't mean it when I said it to you because I'm being genuine. I've known you for so long. I've seen your career. It's been wonderful. You've been humble the whole time. You've been a gracious dude. You've worked through all sorts of bullshit, a lot of up and downs from a perspective that America may not know. You know, I've seen you do the gambit. I've seen you run the gambit from a very low, low level that I saw you at. When you first started and you were young, and I think what's wild is people think, well, this is what you asked for. But when I meant when I said that to you was because we're a little older. I've seen it before. And I was like, just don't let them run you into the ground. And of course they ran you into the fucking ground. And I. We had heard, because we know your old team or. And all that stuff. And when you announced all that shit, I thought, you got to be careful, dude, because they'll. They'll work you till you break.

You're so allowed to say no.

You're allowed to say that at the.

Time when you're used to having nothing, hearing no, no, no, no. And then you're getting all yeses. Of course, you don't know how to. When they're offering you. You're not paycheck for one show. That's more than you've ever made in your.

Yeah.

Life.

Yeah.

Who in their right mind knows?

I get. I. Dude, trust me. I told you I get it. And I said, go get your thing. But also, you got to be. You have to watch out for you, because you will have an emotional breakdown. Theo's talked about it. We've talked to Theo body.

He called me just the other day.

He's had big, heavy hits where he. It's tough sometimes if you're just go, go, go, go. You're. This is not. This is. This goes away, bro. You lose your shit.

The last year and a half, I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's been.

Oh, the mafia, a bunch of money.

What is going on? What are you doing?

Gambling problem.

I thought I could handle it. I really. I really thought I could do.

I promise you can't I.

Apparently, I couldn't. Yeah, I. When I had to, I had to take these two weeks off from shows was fucking brutal. I never thought I was gonna have to do that, but I was just like, I cannot possibly fucking perform.

Yeah.

And it was because I was on a tour bus for nine months. Every day was Groundhog day, right? I would perform till 02:00 in the morning, stay awake till five or six, then try to go to bed. Couldn't sleep, so I'd sleep till, like, 02:00 p.m. i'd stay on the bus, which was wrapped, so basically blacked out until, like, 04:00 p.m. just meetings, writing, whatever. I'd go outside, I'd see the sunlight for, like, two minutes a day, walking to the gym and walking back, and then I'd do the shows and repeat. So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments, they were like, oh, dude, on top of, you have, like, severe insomnia and, like, really bad anxiety. I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody about this before, but it's not even that. You have a bad circadian rhythm. You don't even have one at all. It's like, you know, when you have a baby, you have to, like, teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep, like, what nighttime is, right? That's all based on sunlight. I never knew that. I knew sunlight was good for, like, vitamin D or whatever and good for, like, your immune system, but I had no idea it had to do with your sleep clock as much.

So my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep ever.

Wow.

So I had to, like, those two weeks off, I had to, like, retrain my brain to, like, be like, okay, stick to some kind of loose schedule, at least a little, and new meds.

Are you staying clean outside of that, though? Do you know you're not a big drinker drug user? You don't do any of that stuff?

I don't really drink unless I'm, like, mean, maybe, like, maybe four times a.

Year, I'll drink, but stay off of it, because I. That's the. That's the one thing that I think gets people. You're on the road, and you think, well, I'll. I'll do this because this will help. Or I'll pop a pill or take a drink or smoke or. And it's. That's when it starts to spiral, especially in your case, when you're, like, just constant, constant, constant, constant. So it's good to stay away from it.

But also, Matt, um, serious note, I'm gonna put on my serious hat. It's about longevity, too, you know?

Of course, you know, that's the hard part.

You and I've been. We've been around for a long time.

You know him longer than me.

How old are you?

Since, you know, 40.

He's 40.

Yeah. Well, but I've looked 40 since you met.

I mean, I started when I was 23.

Oh, my God.

And since the nineties all the way till now. And it's like. And there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get. And also, I admit, I was never, like, the kind of what you got, you know, me. I never got. What do you mean?

Well, you were never.

Dude, dude. Yeah.

You're.

You're being so fucking rude right now. It makes me so fucking mad.

You were never.

Talking about right now.

You were never hot. No, no. Shit. You didn't get a phone call?

Oh, dude, you make me so. You haven't made me this, man, since the early days, dude.

Good, dude. Fuck you, you porky.

Goddamn, this is so hot.

Anyway, anyway, yeah, you never got these opportunities, but you got send me saying.

But you had amazing opportunities.

I've had. I've done a lot of great things.

I'm like, you have?

But what I'm saying is, is that I. It's just. Just know that you're always gonna work. I think the thing in our minds is like, if I don't do it now, right, it's gonna disappear. It's not now. It comes about in different forms. You might do.

See? See. Oh.

You might do bigger things, right? Or you might, you know, meet. There'll be a couple of slim years, but trust me, you will have. You'll come back and then you'll back, and that's what life is. Like this. Like it.

You okay?

No.

Fuck, dude.

It's like this, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. The roller coaster. The roller coaster.

Back and forth like this.

The roller. This feels racist. Even you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what, you know, that's the.

Inside of your grandfather clock. Cha, cha, cha, cha cha cha cha.

Cha cha cha, cha cha. I need to drink some water. Hold on.

You need to. Yeah. You need to get your sleep schedule right. Cause it's healthy for you, dude. Get back to square one. Then you get healthy physically and mentally. Because I think the mental thing is what? You're in the gym all the time, but that's not helping this thing.

No, of course.

Just because you're getting in, staying in shape, it's not going to help your brain.

And a lot of people don't understand. It's like, okay, you get to this point, what is there to be anxious about? Like, you made it right? But it's like, okay, well, how you keep making it, it's easy to have, like, a hot couple of years, but then you go, okay. The anxieties of, like, okay, am I ever going to have money to, like, support a family or anything like that? That's. That's cool. That's taken care of. But it's like, what's. How hard this moment is right now? I go, fuck. Like, what. What's the next 60 years?

Well, but who cares. I would say this. I'd say the one thing I would say is, if you're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire, will never be worth it.

That was no matter what.

You can matter what. Come if it's not fun anymore and it's just work to. For the prospective future, the hope that I'll be settled at some point. You're never gonna. You're gonna lose your mind, and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck. You'll have whatever you need, and you'll go, fuck, this sucks. I don't even like this.

Yeah, there would definitely be times in doing, you know, ten to 14 shows a week that I'm like, there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go, I don't feel like performing. It's like, do you have a theater full of fucking people right now? You would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime, and you didn't feel like doing it because it's felt like Groundhog day over and over again. So the bet, the best part was like, having my friends around to remind me of that and make the entire experience as fun as humanly possible.

How many people do you take on the road?

There's my videographer, my photographer. Two openers.

Two people. The same two guys.

Yeah. Hosting a feature. I keep the same host, and then my features just kind of rotate. Yeah, it depends. I just said Eric Griffin was with me in Atlantic City hosting, not featuring.

Let's move him down to host.

Happily.

Yeah, he was moving.

He loves you so much. He loves you so much.

I talked about you last night. We ran. I ran into him last night.

Oh, really?

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So you know who guy Tory is?

Yeah.

So guy Tory once asked, told me, he goes, you know why I'm happy? I go, why? In my career? He goes, I don't have, like, the amount of money that some of these other guys have. But every year I. There's certain milestones and markers I look for and it's, am I doing something different than I did last year? Right, because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences and Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year, maybe doing a movie. You haven't. You have some movies coming out, right?

Or.

No, you already shot some.

No, we've got like a. Like six in development for.

That's what I'm saying. Once those starts. Start those, then you're gonna be in a town for a month and a half doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively, you're going to do different things.

Right.

So just as long as every year you're mixing it up and not just constantly touring, because then that would be. That's like a sad life.

You'll burn out.

You'll burn out.

Just burn out. And we don't want you to burn.

That's pretty good advice.

That was really good advice.

That was really good advice. Thank you.

All right. I need to ask this because I know, and I know it's not favorable conversation, but I do. I am curious. You. You have become very successful since. Since I. We've seen you on this rise and have you spoiled yourself? Have you done something where you're like, I did. I bought a thing and I did a thing.

Yeah.

And I never could do it before.

But my mama house was the first thing I did.

Great.

Great. Class act.

Class act.

Class act.

I just bought my first house.

You bought her a house first?

Yeah.

You're a class.

What city did you buy that?

Mine or hers?

Hers.

Hers. She's in Georgia, outside of Atlanta.

Book a flight. Okay. Good. Good to know.

Just give us the address.

Yeah, yeah. No. And then you bought one here in LA.

No, I don't live here anymore. I live in Rhode island.

Wow.

Why?

This city's dead, dude.

There it is.

This city is. So there's no energy drive down sunset.

You heard it here first.

On a weekend night, there's no traffic.

Why'd you pick Rhode island?

It wasn't even the top ten places I look. Trust me. I just. There's three things on my checklist. I wanted land. I wanted, like, get what I was actually fucking paying for. And I found this massive place for probably the same price as a two bedroom with no yard.

Yeah. Two bedroom, one bath. Yeah. Out here. Yeah.

Wanted to get what I was paying for inland. Needed to have some kind of a comedy scene. And Providence has a comedy connection out there. It's a great club.

Sure.

Boston's 45 minutes away. Amazing comedy scene, and also convenient for travel. Well, I guess that was a third. And Rhode Island. Providence is like my Burbank airport and Boston's my lax, so it really stays.

Wow.

I'm just. Dude, it's so beautiful. I've never been a morning person. As we just discussed, my sleeping problems.

Yeah.

Every single day I wake up there. The. The seven days I've been there in the past four months, I've owned it.

Yeah.

You don't even live there.

I wake up so happy. It is so fucking beautiful.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, I'm so happy I did that.

So nothing here? No apartment here? No connection to Los Angeles?

No, I couldn't do my business. Managers explained that I looked into even just getting, like, a condo here or something. If I own any kind of property here, because I've lived here for eleven years, they'll say that this is still. That's my vacation home somewhere, so I'll still get. Yeah.

You ever visited before?

Nope.

Wow.

No, I just went. I was performing at Mohegan sun. Five shows out there or something light like that. And we just did.

Don't like it.

They made us play the parking lot of Mohegan sun. We did Mohegan sunset. We didn't even get the fucking full sun.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Fucked.

It was an hour away, and we were. I found it on zillow, and I was like, I'll go. I'll peep this real quick. We went and checked it out, and I was like, oh, this is like, one show. Mohegan son. Awesome. So, wow.

Good for you.

It was awesome.

Wow.

Buying your mom a house first was a class act, not cool thing to.

Do when, you know, when you told her. How did you tell her?

I told her. I called her. I was like, hey, I call, like, it was like, maybe like a week after the. The tour sold out, and. And it's like, obviously, the first time I knew I was gonna have any money at all, I was like, hey, in your fucking face. You know, told you I was silly bitch. And obviously very light hearted. I was like, things worked out finally. Now that I have some money, I want to, like, I want to. I want to take care of you, you know, you stuff. You still have to work, but, like, your bills are taken care of, right? Wow. I bought our car the year before when, like, things were, like, just kind of started to take off a little bit.

Oh, wait. Let's guess the car. Can you guess the.

Go ahead.

Let's get hers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A Tesla?

No, no.

In Georgia, she would have no idea.

What to do with the Tesla.

Okay. He bought her an f three. Think it's a lifted truck. An f 350 lifted truck with hydraulic.

Jacked up truck nuts.

Yeah. Truck nuts. Dangling oak stack. Yeah. Come on, Matt. Let's go. Dude, would you buy her?

She wanted a Hyundai, dude.

Really?

Yeah. Humble, humble pie. She thought it was a nice car.

They are really good korean cars.

Yeah, very good is lifts and.

Yeah.

Obstruction. Beep.

A beeper.

Yep.

Yeah.

She didn't ask for anything crazy. Go to that. Go to the house. She was excited about it. Best son ever.

Oh, right.

It was the first time I heard that.

You have a sister or brother?

Yeah, I have four sisters.

Are they bilateral or faffy now?

Three half sisters. One. Three stepsisters. One half sister.

One half sister.

Well, we don't know who's biological.

Is this guy closest with the half sister at all?

Closer than the stepsisters?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would say so.

Is one of them an evil step sister?

An evil step sister?

Yeah. Like the fat, like the fan fairy tales.

None more than the others.

I suppose if your stepsister went, hey, man, I'm down on my luck.

I've been using fentanyl.

You know, I'm not shooting it up anymore. You know, I dropped four in my eyeballs. I just drip them in my eyeballs. Anyway, I need about 20 grand because I'm, like, I'm dying.

I would say Bobby Lee is single, and he has a lot of llamas.

You would do that?

I would do that for you. You don't want all three of them?

No. Are they hot?

Okay.

No.

Turn right around.

What do you mean your first?

No.

Then you're, like, hot when you ask, like, you know, a. Is your brother hot? Why is that like, your sister? Your sister's hot. And guess what, dude. Yeah, doc.

Do you want me to hurt you today? What are you doing? You got to go.

I'm sweating.

Oh, God.

Look at those stretch marks from when he gave birth. You don't got anything like that. How many days of the week are you in the gym?

But five, six or seven.

No, listen to that. Bob, how many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year? How many days have you gone to the gym this year?

I haven't been in gym in twelve years.

And look at this.

Nuh uh.

And who. And this looks good. This is good.

I don't do. I don't do any movement. Like, I rarely move.

A little mental movement I do, but.

It'S like, I don't do really anything.

I go upstairs, kind of a crunch.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't shame me.

I'm not. I'm hyping you up.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not chill like you.

But does anybody's voice go this high with an.

That's hype. That's hype, dude. That's all hype.

Yeah, but, um, you know, I do find in the arena of the opposite sex. Even though I look like this.

No, but I say, I want you to go to the gym for your health. I don't give a fuck about the one.

I really. I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on pick.

Please, would you really do it?

I'm asking doctor, my doctor to do.

Please don't do that.

I have to do it.

Please.

Who's your doctor? Ken. And there goes a lot. There goes my career. Because that was a lot.

No, no.

That was a lot of.

It's a big laugh.

Yeah.

It was a great joke.

Was it a good joke? But that was a lot. I know. I just. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh.

Oh, no. I'm gonna get on it. I'm gonna get on it, because.

Please don't do it.

I swear to God.

It can't be good for you, dude.

I don't care. I'll die.

Let's go through the side effects.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh.

Nausea, constipation, you have those already. Diarrhea? You got it. Dizziness, you got it.

I have already looked. I have all of it, right?

But thyroid cancer, I don't have that. Or burping yeah. You do that on the show?

That.

What's dysphagia?

Dysfasia.

Dysphagia.

Oh, you mean dysphagia. Right here?

What do you think that smells like?

Dude, that was. Dude, that was funny.

Thanks, dog.

Don't do it again.

Shut up. Do what I want. It's my show. Hypoglycemic. Blurred vision.

Yeah.

All right. Look at this. One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut dysbiosis. Gut imbalance of bacteria in the intestine that can lead to a variety of digestive problems and oral health issues, such as bad breath.

It's fine. I'm gonna do it for, like, a couple of months.

Please don't.

I have to do it. I look like shit. And then you know what, dude?

You don't look like shit. You look wonderful. I just want to just walk. If you walk every day. 2 miles.

Listen.

2 miles a day.

I went to the truth, okay?

Yeah.

I was with a girl a couple of months ago, and she goes, um. And she. She goes. She saw my naked body. We're in bed. Saw my naked body or the lights on? Yeah, the lights on.

They're dimmed. Yeah, they're dimmed, but they're not. They're not like these.

And she was looking at it not in a disgusting way, but more in for, like, you know, like, you know when you used to dissect frogs at the. In biology?

Yeah.

You mean, like. You mean look? Yeah. What is. What is it?

Is that supposed to be out like that?

She goes, there's something wrong with me. And why? She goes, because I know who she used to. Used to date. She dated these guys. And then this is. And I go, I looked at it with my doughy eyes, and I go, I'm so sorry. And she goes, no, I think you're sexy. I just don't know why.

Well, because you.

And then as soon as she said that, I was like, oh, a zimbabwe, I had to be on it.

No, she likes your. Or she said, you're sexy.

Yeah, but you can fucking.

He questioned it.

You can love like a purebred golden retriever and still. Still adore like a dog from the pound.

That's right.

Yeah. Matt, you think I look like shit?

No. No.

Anyway, so.

And don't, Karina.

It's so racist.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. For us.

I'm still. I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east.

Yeah. It bums me out because we have no allies here anymore. Mandy.

No, you just. You don't have to live here anymore. In the entertainment industry. You don't have to live here.

Promise me one thing. We'll see you on January 6. You're gonna come back.

What's January 6?

Okay, dude, well, don't play dumb with us.

We go to the Capitol again, our yearly.

Oh.

The excursion. Why do you think I move closer?

The bricks. I have some good bricks just to see this.

Now. Are you gonna. Are you gonna. Are you gonna break in, win? Who wins?

Anybody? We're there.

Anybody.

Either way, doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Okay. I like this. You are close.

You are much closer. We could use your house as a hub. We couldn't have.

I love decent.

You got a lot of land. Does anybody live with you or you by yourself on this?

I live with two of my boys, and there's another house on my property that I also bought that another friend of mine's gonna move into.

You would never charge any of these people rent or anything?

Of course I do.

You do?

Yeah. It's not a lot.

Yeah.

I believe, like, you still have to have responsibility. Keep in mind, otherwise, you. They gave appearances.

They won the lottery. Your friends.

Yeah.

I mean, like, all of them.

Yeah.

And they fucking earn that money. Like, it's so great when I can't sleep and I'm up till 02:00 in the morning editing my own shit. Well, I can text my videographer and be like, hey, when you wake up, if you can see this. And he's like, dude, I'm also up working right now. I'm like, I fucking love that you.

Still are doing work. You're still cutting clips you're not making.

I I have to cut them because I just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing. I mean, you know, a fuck a half second beat can change a joke, right? So it can just. I could lag on. I don't trust anybody else to edit it comedically so that I edit it comedically, and then I send it to him, and he does, like, the camera switching and the captioning funny, because we.

Don'T do any of that. We have no idea.

No, we just let that do it.

I have no idea how to do it. I mean, I, in theory, could learn, or I've learned in the past, but.

Oh, no, bro. I had. I had to go to my friend's house, and he had to download premiere pro on my laptop, and then I recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do premiere pro. And then for, like, months after I had to watch that video anytime I was.

It's awesome.

Wow.

The fact that you like. The fact that you did it, though, is great. I mean, that just shows you're still doing it on your own and, like.

Dog. You have a dog?

No. God, I.

You gotta get a dog.

Gone. Too much. I can't.

I know. That's the thing.

I could get a little.

I know, but you. But also, you're the guys. They go on tour with you.

Yeah, you gotta get a couple of.

Guys that live there that don't go on tour with you so they can take care of the cat to dot the two. Because I know you're gonna get one dog and two cats. No, I can feel it.

No, no more dogs and cats.

No, he's gonna get one dog. You're not. You're not gonna like the cats.

I might get a little farm cat. That could be kinda.

You mean an outdoor cat?

Yeah, I have three cats.

They're all outdoor cat.

How are they inside? Well, Ming just pisses all over every furniture that I have.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful.

Which one's your favorite?

Gunner? Gun is the best.

His name is Gunner?

Yeah. Do you know why?

Why?

Well, you don't. Your little mind can't understand it. That was so rude.

It's not even like.

Dude, that was so rude.

He's an arsenal soccer fan.

Yeah?

A what?

Arsenal team. Arsenal.

Is that a soccer team?

Yeah.

North London.

No, Flander. Beans on toast. No Flander. We wrote that. You know, we root for.

Anyway, how come you don't play England?

Matt?

I am in September. I'm coming.

What are you playing?

Not yet.

What are you playing in England?

I don't even know. There's a bunch of theaters.

The Royal wonger Donga palace.

Do I want to do Royal Albert hall? More than anything.

Oh, we'll let you in. You have to talk to the queen.

Gonna dig her up?

Yeah, we'll dig her up. Is it all right, lady, if old Matt rife plays the royal?

That word all. You're so good. What a talent.

We'll get you whole plate of bangers and mash.

Man, do we should start a sketch group. Don't you think we should start a scratch group?

No, man.

Okay, forget. Fuck it. But I want to catch you one last piece of advice before I.

You know, I mean, more advice.

One last one.

Yeah. All right.

Okay. Last thing is, cuz, you gotta be very picky on what projects you do.

Okay, now take them all.

No, no.

Take it from this guy.

I passed on borderlands. I'm way ahead of you.

This guy's so good.

I'm kidding. They did not offer it. Did not offer.

No, what I'm saying is, you know, like, when Paul Shore, Polly Shaw was like. He said, yes, the first five things.

Yeah, but Encino man was a hit.

They're all fucking iconic. Dude, son in law, these were all his love, right?

In the army. Now you think that's a master.

I love it.

Okay. Okay.

It's actually was a great movie.

I love Paul. I'm sorry. Anyway.

Are you talking about me, bruh? Don't y'all. You yawning? Are you tired from giving people the wrong address? What's exhausting? Fucking up your gig the amount of times these guys are fucked up. We gave him a raise. I think we just came. A raise keeps fucking up.

Please do some personal.

What?

He's going through some personal things.

I heard you were gonna send him to Spain.

Are you gonna get a double mastectomy or.

No, I. Yeah, finally.

Wait, mastectomy?

Yeah. He's got breast cancer.

Look at those titties.

You're lying. You really.

Yeah.

You for real have breast cancer? Mm hmm. Not for the bit, like, do you for real?

Yes. He doesn't know how to not do the bit. You know what? By the way, good for you.

Yeah, I thought that was great.

Yeah, it was actually good.

Real.

Yeah.

Yeah. He doesn't have titty kiss on.

Kenzie, you are the only guy I know that is of your weight class and size that has small tits. You have nine nice little, tiny b cup tits.

Yeah.

They don't point it. All my weights in my stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would you prefer it in the tits?

Honestly, I would.

Maybe the dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you having.

What?

Okay, so are you eating like a maniac? Are you doing all this. You doing diet bullshit or.

No, dude, that's my biggest thing. I don't eat enough for sure. I have such a fast metabolic. That's why I work out every day, because I don't retain any size.

What do you eat? Are you eating anything fun or. No?

Yeah, dude.

No.

I eat fun shit all the time.

You're not eating just, like, chicken and vegetables every day?

No, I'll do burgers and shit. You do whatever all the time.

Isn't that nice to be that age? You can just do that all the time? Yeah, I have a cheeseburger. I can't do anything for, like, a week and a half.

Even acai bowls I can't do anymore. No, yeah, because it's so much sugar.

So too much. My left foot fell asleep yesterday.

Yeah.

Out of nowhere. I just got a. For like a whole day. My left foot was like, asleep. I gotta cut it out, man.

Yeah.

My sugar to my sweet tooth has gone through since I put away booze, man. My sweet tooth.

You don't drink at all?

No, I don't not drink at all. I just. I, you know, I just go through phases of when I just stop and then I have a couple and then I stop. I do na beers once in a while.

I like those non alcoholic beers.

Yeah, love one.

That's the most alcoholic thing I can imagine drinking.

Well, dude, to like, here I am.

To like to drink for the flavor but not the results.

I love it.

Insane.

I love it. I like the flavor of beer. I do like the flavor.

So gross.

Na de alkalized liquor. Terrible. Like bourbon. Deal. Cold. That's there. But an na beer is pretty fucking close to the same thing.

Beer tastes like piss, dog.

Well, when you grow up, you'll like it. Heineken.

I'll let you know in eight years. I gotcha.

Heineken makes a double zero beer that I think is. I don't know what it tastes. It's so clean and good. It tastes just like that. And if I'm out with friends, I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked. Cuz I just so crazy. I know.

What do you drink, Bobby?

When I do cow piss.

Cups of piss.

When I want to do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back as my back hurts.

When you're riding somebody.

Know what I mean?

Do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on. When you're on your buddy?

No, when she's on me, I have to put a pillow on my back because it might. If it hurts my back?

Yeah, we're getting older. Enjoy it right now, dude, it's all gonna break down.

Yeah. I like to drink. Well, I'm in a. You know that, right?

You really?

Yeah.

How long?

Almost three years. What?

Really?

No, two and a half years.

Two and a half years.

That's almost good, dude.

Thank you, man.

Of course.

And so, um, but you know, if I was drinking those fireballs, I really liked fireball. Yeah.

Like the little, like, like the, like a cinnamon whiskey.

Yeah.

Really? Those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kind of good.

I like it. Yeah, I would get those right from the, um, in Hawaii, they have the little bottles. I used to drink like 15 of them.

All right. That's enough.

I love that rumor.

Yeah, we do. Remember?

Yeah. I relapsed when they were in this.

In Hawaii.

Well, they saw me in Mexico, and I got drunk, and they had to follow me around and. And be my chaperone to send him to rehab. I go one.

After Hawaii, after Mexico.

Oh, somebody got shot at the resort next to us. Remember that? In Cancun?

No fucking way.

Yeah.

A tourist or.

No, no, they never kill a tourist. They kill a local.

Oh, so it was cartel, 100%. No fucking way.

They walked up to the guy, shot him, and then they walked out casually. I think they took a mint on the way out.

Yeah, yeah.

It was really like they didn't feel. They would never hurt a tourist. It would fuck up their business.

That's what I've heard.

But they tried to shut down the resort. Remember this? It was a panic. And then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab, and he was causing me a lot of anguish, and I. Trying to find where he was off to. And he was hiding, and he was asking.

You are hiding.

Yeah. Well, he was asking other people to buy him booze and. And then he got in a fight with me because I wouldn't get him alcohol.

Yeah.

And then he locked himself in his room and he got shit on the wall. He pooped all over the wall.

No, no, he didn't.

Yeah, he did. There was shit on the wall. Oh, yeah. And that. Those are like 15 foot. I mean, all the way up.

It was like a basquiat thing. It's art.

Yeah, he's an artist. I'm not kidding. Do I open the door to his hotel room? There was throw up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's move on.

There was. It looked like. Like. It looked like a one. A 180 sprinkler head. That's like. That's what it was.

The good times.

Now I'm glad I put you.

I feel great. Yeah. Yeah.

Was that the. Was that like, the final straw of when you decided?

Well, I've had a lot of final straws in my life. You know, I had a final straw at 17. When I was 30, I had a final straw. You know, over my lifetime, I've relapsed and gone that deep. But this time it looks. I feel like it's sticking.

We've been to rehab three times together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put wife, put him through re.

Taking care of people, take it, put.

Him where he needs to belong. And I think, oh, that's because I love him so much.

That's so one in Tucson was the worst.

Was the worst, is a bet. It was a bad rehab.

It was like one of those places where, like, they. I had to wake up at, like, six in the morning. Wait, in this line. I mean, I'm in, like, hospital gown, right? And then, like, it's like that queen's gambit where they give you, like, a cocktail of pills, and I would go, what's in this? And they go, drink it or eat it. I would. And then I would just be a zombie all day. And there was, like, no counseling or anything. I was just walking around smoking cigarettes.

Just a mental asylum.

Yeah, it was a mental asylum. And I was there for two weeks, and then one day I just called my agent. I was like, I gotta get out of here. You know what I mean? They're dragging me, you know what I mean? And I got out and they changed facilities. But that was a weird. Do you guys remember that? It was a weird. I can't tell what place.

You can check yourself out of rehab at any time.

That one I couldn't, because in the middle of the desert and, like, I didn't know how.

Illegally. Yes, correct.

Yeah. I had no money. I did. I. They took away my cell phone. They took away everything.

He was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled.

Huh?

But it was too controlled.

But, yeah, well, yeah, I mean, it's also.

I'm smoking cigarettes with a bunch of, like, 20 or young kids in the middle of a soccer field, and they're just like, what are you doing here, man? And I'm just like, I don't know, man. You know? Crazy. Aren't you on tv? I go, yeah. It's like, crazy. Yeah.

Andrew, do you. Is there anything you think you're close to? Addicted to?

Um, work.

Hmm.

That's not a bad.

Yeah, no, he has what Howie Mandel has. He can't stop. He always has to be doing something, and it's not something, it's a real thing.

Yeah. Probably sickness for, like, I look.

I look at him, I go, what? You're going where? What? You know, I mean, like, 24/7 it's always doing something. Yeah. And it's not healthy.

No, fuck.

I probably have that as well.

Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off. It was awful. Yeah, I was going fucking nuts.

I've gotten better at taking time off. I take. We take vacations. My wife and I, like, go, do. We carve out time to do things. But. But your work is different than my work. My. I mean, like, you're on tour. You're grinding. You're doing fucking 50 shows a month. Month. Mine is this job, that job, this job, that job. It was just. I'm just spreading myself too thin.

Of course.

Something you could consider spreading yourself thin, but.

That hurts. I'm gonna give. Be honest. I'm picking.

Beauty is pain.

Okay. Hey, hey. Be my little korean Elvis. I'm sorry. Come on, give me. Dude, have you ever played Memphis?

Yeah, I was just there maybe. Maybe a month ago.

We fucking hate.

I love Memphis for you.

They hate it.

Where'd you play with? We played at Elvis's estate at Graceland.

Yeah.

No, you did not.

Yes, we did.

Yes, you can play at Graceland.

You can play at the stages. Life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm fucking furious.

I didn't like us.

They didn't like us.

It was like.

Hated us.

Was it a live podcast you did?

No, we didn't. It was like a. We do a TEd talk about death.

Mm hmm.

You mean. Hey, guys. What death? You know, everyone. They were like, in a fucking. Cuz I'm.

Everyone in the audience had just lost somebody.

That's what I felt.

Sort of felt like, like everybody.

We ate.

We ate it.

We ate it.

Who's one of the worst shows we ever done? You know what? I should take it back. We don't hate Memphis. We hated what happened there.

Yeah, we got Louisville.

What happened in Louis?

I like Lou.

Oh, the fly in the food at Chili's and.

Yeah, the flying.

The.

But the show was weird.

Do you guys have any, like, stalkers or anything on tour?

We had one guy that was fucking in Dallas that was at the meet and greet, and he was like. He goes, hey, man, I broke in here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? He goes, I broke.

Asian guy. Asian guy?

Yeah, asian.

Yeah, yeah, he was.

I broke. Sorry. He goes, I broke in. No, of course, yeah, no, he goes. He goes, I broke in here, man. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I didn't. I don't even have a ticket on a vip or anything. I just broke in. He's like, this is what I do. I have a GoPro or something. He recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues, and so we were like, cool, man. Security.

Yeah. And what the fuck? Yeah. Why would you admit that?

Yeah.

Does he, like, post them online?

I don't know. I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it.

You got to find it.

Yeah, well, dude, I said to him, I go, hey, man, as long as you're cool, chill.

Yeah.

You're not trying to hurt anybody. Like, fine, but, like, meanwhile, don't. Don't. Don't tell anybody that. Yeah, you're gonna get arrested. Like, I'm not gonna arrest you, but they're gonna arrest you. So I was like, don't say anything. Just get out of here.

That's fucking terrible.

It was weird as fuck. That was the only time.

But him and I though what my concern was. We had really never toured together before.

Literally. Never.

Literally had never done it. So in my mind, I'm like, what? Is it gonna affect our relationship or a friendship? But I don't think it. I think it strengthened it.

Yeah. Share a room. No, but we're doing it wrong.

Yeah.

Supposed to share a double tree, full bed. Of course.

You've done that with people.

That's what I was doing the beginning of touring.

Yeah. Not.

Not like the Live nation tour.

Yeah.

Like when I was first starting a headline on my own, like at beginning of last year.

Yeah. Yeah.

Cuz I couldn't afford to get everybody their own room.

Right, right. But we can, you know, fine, yes.

Now, we slept on the bus. We lived on.

Yeah.

Busy at a hotel. We were on the bus and I.

But nothing.

It's a great hound.

Oh, it's more like a brown hound. Okay, yeah, not so great was a brown hound. It was from Mexico.

But you.

But the power dynamic.

Hey, where are we going, bro?

I get.

Sorry.

I give him more of the power.

What did you do?

I give you more of the power.

Didn't give it to me. I am it.

Yeah.

I'm saying, was there one big room in the back, or was it all bunks?

One big room.

He gets the back room.

You got the back room.

I get the bunk. Yeah, yeah. Little monk on the side.

And how did you decide this?

He just called me and said, you can have it.

Yeah. Because I know. See, these are the things that break up the beatles. These are the things that break up, like bands and stuff.

Okay, Yoko.

Dude, you know what's worse than that? The smirk you had before.

Thanks. Thanks.

I saw Yoko handed your brain and then when you said it. Very good, John doesn't hurt as much.

John let it right here.

It doesn't hurt as much as John right on his arm.

Wow.

What's that doing for you?

Gives me my pussy's wedding. My goo pussy is what? My point is. No, let's put that out. But my point is, um, I. He. You. I have to give him. I'll go. You know, you can do it. You take it.

He likes sleeping in the coffins. Yeah, he does.

I told my friends the same thing. I said, it's too much space back there. You guys wouldn't.

Yeah, they don't like it.

Yes.

He likes sleeping in the coffins. I like that. He likes that. He likes it.

I like that he likes that.

Yeah. Well, no, he really does. I will say this. No lie. This is not me saying this to say it. I've slept in the coffins before, and the coffins are nice because it's rocket. It's a light little rock in the back. You're, like, rolling around. It's. It. You not as stable.

You got a sprawl out.

Look what happened to me.

Well, that's on Burt's bus. He fell out of the. He fell out of the coffin and.

No, you fell out of the. Out of the bunk.

Yeah, the bunk. And I hit my head on a ledge and I had to go to the hospital.

Holy shit.

I got nine stitches and I got off. Really?

No, I'm saying I'm shit.

You got all the dizzy. What about that time?

Dizzy from a shit.

This guy gets all that's 40 year.

Old should have ever heard pussy.

I took a shit and I hit my head. Don't call me a pussy, because I'll fight. You know, beat the shit out of you.

Dude, today because he's here. It's a dynamic.

What is it?

I don't know what it is, but.

White guy thing?

No. You and I have this. This. This thing that we used to have in the pond is back.

Yeah.

And I think he's doing it.

He's in. Yeah.

Well, that you specifically doing. It's just. It's. There's something about it.

Do you think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week?

You guys want to split the profits, like 50? 25.

25 or so? I hate to tell you, but, uh, we're not making that many llamas.

Yeah.

Sad. Well, if these might we look over? None of these mics are even plugged in.

You have one, you have a pod.

Nah, I just don't have the time.

Yeah. Yeah. You'll have one day.

Don't wish that on me. To prey upon my downfall is very funny.

Matt.

Yeah.

Yo, we love you today.

That was great love, man.

We're so happy for you. Genuinely. It's well deserved. And you've taken everything in stride. The love, the hate, all the above. And all that stuff comes along with being as popular as you are and good for you. And we're stoked for you, man. I think you're fucking. You've always been a great dude since I met you. That first time I met you, you 19 years old or whatever it was when I first met is wild. And back then, you were like, one day, I'm gonna be a big old star comedian you sounded like back then. And, man, I'm happy for you, dude.

Dude, thank you so much.

Much.

So happy for you.

Thank you.

And thank you so much for doing our podcast. Really.

Thanks for. Thanks for. Let me know. Serious.

I mean, this is like, we've.

I wanted to do whiskey ginger for, like, five years. I never got a text back.

Never.

I'm kidding.

I never had a really. Never done it before. No, he's still on.

Very good. Barely dig. I like it.

It's barely on. Have you done tiger belly?

What?

You never heard of a tiger belly?

The stretch marks?

Yeah. I don't know. It's my podcast. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, Matt, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend, Matt, love you.

Thank you for being a bad. Oh, my God, this is racist.

Hey.

Wow. Wow.

Don't keep going.

I love it. I love Asian Alpha.

Welcome to Memphis. Yeah, I did.

Asian, asian.

Yeah, so I did. And so.

Hunk of Burning Roo.