Hey!

Bad friends, friends, friends. Hey, Bad friends. We are on tour. Tour, baby. Where are we going? We're going to Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, baby. With the cheese.

With the beer and cheese.

And Jeffrey Donomer. Oh, he's there. Will he be.

Coming to the show? No, but those types of YTS.

I love them. All right, then the next night we're in Chicago. Then we go to Minneapolis.

John.

Wayne-gasey. Yes, yes. From Chicago. All your favorite cereal.

Killers are going to be there. Minneapolis, Minnesota. Then what killers from there?

Then probably McCone.

He'll be a future killer.

Yeah, McCone from there. And then Madison, Wisconsin is how we end the year. And then in the new year, we've got a big run.

We go to-January 20th, we're going to be Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Come on, gamble.

Salt Lake City, Utah. January 27th, boy boy.

Then Tameculah. Do you know where Tameculah is?

Yeah, man, it's right by Poway where I grew up. That's exactly right. That's where you're going to meet Dan, my.

Old sponsor. I'm going to meet Dan, your sponsor, Tameculah. So come on out to Pechanga on February second. Then we do.

Reno, Sacramento. Reno, Nevada.

Sacramento. Sacramento.

Long Beach. Long Beach.

Eagle Wood. Then we do Canada. We do Windsor, Ontario, and Niagara Falls back to back in Canada. Then we do- Tucson, Arizona. -tucson, and where do we finish on 4/20?

Las Vegas, Nevada. April 20th, 2024. Come see.

Us live. Come see us. Get your tickets. Go to badfriendspaa. Com. Badfriendspaa. Com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude.

And an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

A YouTube or something. We're bad friends.

Hello. Hello, and what do we have here?

Can I just say something.

About that? A million subscribers.

This.

Is incredible. Thank you so much, YouTube, for occasionally banning us and.

Demonetizing us. Is that really from YouTube?

Yeah, we got a.

Million-no, we got an award from the YouTube.

Yeah, we passed a million subs.

That's amazing. I didn't know we could get awards for that. Let's go back.

To this now. Let's go back to that.

Okay, so number one, when you get water, what's the most annoying thing when you have water?

What's the most annoying thing when I get water?

When you drink water.

When I drink water?

Yeah.

That you have to keep drinking it otherwise you die? Nope. No?

What is it? Nanos. This is nanopure.

You're telling me there's no nanopure? There's no nanopure. This sounds like we're doing a plug for this stuff. No. We talked about this on the other episode. Can I just.

Say another thing? Please. Every time I've drinking water, I went, There's something wrong with this. You know what? It's structured differently than it should be. Restructured.

You're telling me this is fully restructured?

Yeah. There's another thing, right?

Yeah.

What do you love about water? What it has?

It keeps me alive.

No, there's elements in it. I'll tell you what.

Hydrogen.

And oxygen. When it's oxygen in it.

But it already has oxygen in it.

But this company, what? No.

Not enough oxygen.

Hypera.

They need more oxygen.

They hypered it out then.

Okay, well, let's take a second.

But I'm going to say this. You're already close minded.

No one how am I close minded.

You're close minded, and you're making fun of it already.

Choose. Am I close minded?

If I said no, would you be open to that possibility?

Yes.

-then I think you're pretty open minded. Right on. Okay, good.

Would you like some Aforea, please?

I'm going to drink my own water. You drink yours. You know what? My good old fashioned Elvis, Elvis Love Mountain Valley, that's why.

I like it. I'll drink my O-Fora because yours has full of nanos.

You're telling me this has.

Tons of nanos. Yeah, nanobots in your body, dude. Wow, it's a real class of-You're being restructured now.

Let me taste.

Oh, yeah. Let me taste.

Let.

Me taste.

Let me taste. Let me taste. How is it?

I'm restructured.

Do you feel better?

Did you see how… Did you just see that? I didn't do that. I didn't do that, dude. The water just did... Jesse, do you want to try?

No, I think this is what I deserve. I'll just stick with the plastic.

Yeah, you know what? I'll stick.

With my water, okay? You think this is better? You really do think this is better?

Well, look at how much is yours?

The Mountain Valley is a couple of bucks. A couple of bucks. $30, dude. That's a $30.

Bottle of water.

It's disgusting.

It's not.

But how does it taste? Does it.

Taste better? Dude, I hate water, usually. Really? I want to keep drinking this, dude. Wow.

Yeah, it's the best. If only they could flavor it like Diet Coke.

Then it'd be really good water.

Can I say something?

What?

I don't want to offend Christians, but here I'm going to. Go ahead. All right?

Yeah.

Jesus come.

That's how good it is. That's how good that is.

Dude, if Jesus had come.

Dude, that's what it would be. Bingo.

I would spend $100 on that.

You know how Jesus walked on water? You know how Jesus walked on water? Yes. Do you think this is the water he walked on? This is it. This is Jesus Water.

And the other dude that split it apart?

Moses.

That's that water.

Mountain. Part of the sea. Well, I'd like you to see a video real fast. Let's show the boys, show everyone a little video here for in-studio while you sip away. Okay.

Did you notice.

Any difference.

Between that water? No. It tastes the same. I mean, a.

Little water.

Oh.

My God.

I did taste weird, though. Oh, my God. Did I just drink tap water, dude?

You did that to the king?

Did I just drink cat water, then?

Where's my stuff?

I swore to God I was- You know where.

It is? It's in my mouth. It's in my mouth. It's in my mouth. Is it in there? Is it in there?

How is that? Be honest.

It tastes exactly like water that I've-No, it doesn't. It tastes the same as Mountain Valley. Give me my water. No way. Give me my... Look at that.

Okay, can.

I say this to you? Can you believe? Look at what the boys did. They poured you some... That is bathroom tap.

Water, dude. Let me say something right now. If I get cancer because of this.

It's your fucking fault. Look at that meticulous. He put the sticker back on. No, don't do that. We live here. That's insane.

That's insane, dude. Take this away, dude. That's so funny. You know what? You like tricks? You like tricks? We're not going to play tricks. All right. And I'm going to trick you one day. And it's going to be worse than that. I'll tell you that right now.

Give me your cup. I'll pour some of your delicious.

That's okay. I don't.

Want to trust that anymore. What do you mean? This is a $30 bottle. All right, give.

Me some of that. We said in here. In the last.

Episode, this is like the- God, it's.

So fun. -the Philippine licking woman.

Yeah, that's right. It's all in your mind. That's right. It's all in your mind. See, it's all in your mind. So good. It's all in your mind.

Let me say something. That was a good one.

That was really good.

I'll tell you this, man, it would have time to trick me because I had a terrible night.

Last night. What happened? Are you.

Trickable right now? I'm so.

Trickable, dude. Why?

Well, what was last night?

What do you mean what was last night? Last night was just another- Halloween. It was Halloween. Yeah. Oh, it was.

Was it not?

It was. It was. Last night was, This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Yes, it's tricks. A lot of tricks, dude. Did you hand out any candy?

No, I turn off all the lights. The front porch.

Oh, I like it.

I pretend no one's there. Like a recluse. Like a recluse, right? I just look to see if there's any lights. Sometimes they have candles. You know the kids, you know what I mean? They have safety lights? Yeah. None around. I go, You know what? I'm going to sleep early tonight.

440 pieces of candy I handed out yesterday. 440.

That's great.

Is that a record? I dressed up like Ken. No, the first year I think I lived in the neighborhood was the most. I dressed up like Ken. We played music. We had a fog machine. We had a little dance party on the driveway. I had music bumping. One of the dads came up to me at the end of the night and said, Hey, thanks a lot for doing this. Really? That's all that I wanted. Oh, God. Yeah, because I think it's important for the kid, man.

I don't live in a neighborhood that.

Does that. I'm not saying you. You live in the Hollywood Hills. You guys don't need to get kidnapped.

The.

Hills, they don't do it in the Hills. The Hills, they have eyes.

They have deep, steep, steeps.

By the way, that's where kids go to get kidnapped up in the Hollywood Hills.

You're.

Flatland. I'm in the flats, kiddo.

With.

The Mexicans.

Yes, that's exactly. Oh, shit, I shouldn't say that. My point is this, I would love to hand out candy, but they just never around.

They don't come to my head.

They all come to my hood. Last night I go, You know what's hung on me asleep early? I go to bed, but I forget. Guess what I forget? To masterpiece. No, that's true.

Oh, my God.

Carlos.

How did.

You call that? That is true. He just knows. No, I told him earlier.

I forgot that. What did you forget to do last night?

Eat dinner.

Oh, no. You had to wake up in the middle of the night and eat something at 4:00 in the morning.

No, not in the middle of the night. 4:00 in the morning. That's just the middle of the night. I go to bed at 9:00 PM.

Yes.

That's impossible.

I.

Try. You went to bed at 9:00 PM.

Yeah, I was that tired.

No fucking... Were you sick? No.

I go to bed at 9:00. I'm going to go to bed at 9:00 like a Christian. Hey, cross off. Because I don't do the Hollywood thing. I'm Christian on Halloween.

Did you say a prayer before you go to sleep? I do, dear God. Let's hear your little prayer.

Dear God. Amen. He fills in the middle. You got.

To let him.

Do it. I let him fill the middle, dude.

Blank.

Check. Right, it's a blank check.

Well, Jesus take the wheel. Jesus take over this prayer. Yeah, finish.

It for me. I should have filled it in because what he gave me was a stomachache. But go to bed. 4:00 in the morning, I wake up first, gooner.

Yeah, gooner, gooner.

You know who gooner is? Your dog. No, I have a cat. No, I have a cat named the Orange cat, gooner. At around 4:00 in the morning, if I don't put earplugs in, I hear...

What is that? You're so bad at sounds it could be anything. You could be taking shit, scratching.

Dude, the next fucking Police Academy war, I'm Michael Winslow, dude. They hired.

Me, dude. Let me hear you do a garbage truck.

Okay.

Pretty good.

Give me another one.

Let me hear you.

Do something What's that?

You when you come.

Yes. How about this?

You're drinking toilet water? You're lifting up a lid and drinking toilet water? Yes, I get it.

Thank you, so I'm good. You're very good. Anyway, I hear… It's Gooners trying to.

Get in my room.

Cat scratch fever. Yeah. Which I wake up and I go, Oh, gooners trying to get it.

Also, I'm hungry as well. Why don't you just leave the door.

Open for a good while? I can't.

Why?

Because I have Zoomies.

Because they run around the room?

Yeah, the cats at night, that's their time. They just zoomed them all over the bed and stuff.

What's the matter? Just like another case to not have cats. It's just like all the things. It's fine. They poop inside. They zoom you in the middle of the night. They scratch your door. They don't want to be pet. You can't take them on a walk. They're no fun to play with.

Go ahead. Anyway, I wake up and I go, Oh, fuck, I'm hungry. I'm not going to be able to go back to bed. I had one thing in the fridge and guess what it was?

Kimchi.

I have that already. That's a given.

I feel like, what is it?

I guess it's a tur.

Turds?

Turds? You have packed turds again?

There's two words. Tur-and-ch.

Turd chips?

Turkey and -Turkey chips? -turkey chicken. No. -turkey chicken.

-almost.

-turkey.

Sausage. Turkey-ch.

Turkey chips. Oh, potato chips.

Made of turkey. -no, turkey... -chies? -chili.

-turkey chili. -chili. -man, we were way off. Yeah.

Turkey chili. Turkey chili. I had one of those from Air One.

Yeah, another $50.

Bottle of chili. Yeah, $50, but it's been there forever.

How long do you think?

It could be a year.

A whole year. It could be.

I don't know.

You had some bad chili.

Dude, I don't know. You're crazy. I'm crazy. I put in a bowl, I microwave it. Then I eat it all. I'm like, I'm hungry still. I remember the other night, I got a big, gigantic pint of Dryers, Rocky Road, Cream.

Bryers or Dryers? B or D. Big difference.

Bryers?

You choose. I don't know.

I think bryers.

I had myself some Jennings before I came here. Delicious.

The best. Yeah. But I'm lactose. Anyway, I eat half of it.

You think you're lactose intolerant or is it just because you eat stuff like a year old turkey chair that you have a bad stomach?

I don't know, dude. Then I go, Oh, I feel fine. I go, You know what? I'm not sleepy yet. I'll play maybe two hours of this game, Starfield. I lock them up. But that's cool because when I play Starfield, I have my headphones because I can't hear Goonar scratching.

You're in the house alone.

I'm so alone.

It's a big house to be all alone.

I'm so alone. Then it started.

The shits. The aches. The shits.

The first aches.

The shits are here. The shits are here. The coming out of your mouth and your ear. The shits.

Are here.

The shits are here. It was achy. Out of your nose. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy. It was achy.

But I didn't go to the bathroom. I didn't go to the bathroom.

I went to bed.

That's when the trouble started. No. You're good at.

Sound effects, too. Yeah, always have been since you've met me.

You started drinking.

More toilet water. Yes.

You know that a Blue Whale's breast in the water.

Have you ever seen a Blue Whale? Yeah.

Wait, there we go. That's what it feels like. That's what it sounds like to me. Am I dead on?

You were a Blue Whale strip club.

But I could...

I was like...

What?

Let me get the bed out.

No, I was thinking that'd be a great strip club. The blue whale? Just any whale stripping.

Just a big...

But how big the blue whale is big, so the strip club is got to be...

You know what.

They moan? Do they like? You know what they like? They don't like money.

Whales? They like fish. No.

Whenever I go to a whale strip club, you got to bring plenty of plankon.

Plankton.

Yeah.

You got to try it out, though, because it's hard to throw on stage when they're wet. But anyway, my point is I only slept for an hour and then I had to get up early to go to my A meeting. Then I did a podcast with logic and I was in traffic because he was all the way in Pacific Palis. Then I canceled my spot. I got here and I'm so tired and I asked you if you have the energy to.

Do this. I got it today.

Good. I'm so glad that.

You have it. I got to tell you, one of the weirdest costumes I saw last night, and I didn't get a photo of it because I felt like it would be weird to take a picture of somebody's kid. But we saw a lot of good ones. I saw a lot of good ones.

At the door?

That came to my house. The funniest one by far. It was mostly Mexican families that come to the hood. It was a girl I'm not making this up. I swear to God. Here we go.

Something racist. She was a washing machine. I swear to God of my life. I was losing my shit. Wait, a Mexican girl? Yes, I was dying. They built a box, they used cardboard box to make a washing machine, and on top of it was wool light and bounce sheets. Wow. Incredible. I swear to God. I swear to God. In the middle of the move, it was one of the coolest costumes I think I've ever seen. But also it's like- Would.

She just take it from.

Work or something? Well, you write what you know, you live.

Who you are. Did she have a dryer with her?

No, her sister was a fence, and her dad kept leaping over her head back and forth.

And back and forth.

That's insane. No, but really, the washing machine is not fake. That was actually a real costume, and it was the best one of the night. I gave her way more candy. You know what I don't do? If you come up with a shit costume, especially when a 14-year-old comes, when the older ones come, you're getting won. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. You get one. You didn't put any effort into it, and you're too old. When the kids come, little kids, they're getting handfuls. I literally go like this to the kids because they're so cute and sweet. But when a grown kid comes, they don't even say anything. They just put the bag out. Fucking, you know what I gave them? What? Wappers.

The.

Worst.

You know what a little whopper is, dude? I know what a Wapper.

Is, dude. The worst candy.

I thought it was a hamburger.

Yeah, I gave them hamburgers. I handed him a full hamburger. Okay. But Wappers were for the teenagers that didn't dress up. But the kids, you know what the kids got? What? They got the Rees's Snickers Combo. You know what I'm talking about?

No.

Dude, they make the peanut butter Snickers.

Explain.

It to me. Rees's makes peanut butter Snickers Combo now.

Okay, so let me ask a question then. Please, yeah. Don't even google it. Don't google it because I wouldn't imagine it in my mind. Okay, so it's a round circle.

It's egg, oval like an egg. What?

Yeah, it's oval. It's an oval like an egg, shaped.

Like an egg then. It's not thick like an egg, but it's almost like a.

Flat- A flat egg? Yeah. Yeah. When I bite into it, instead of having a peanut buttery nugget.

No, friend, you do get a peanut buttery nugget. But you also get caramel and nugget and nut. That's caramel.

Holy shit, dude.

The good kids, the cool kids that dressed up, they're definitely getting one of those, plus a kit Kat, and they're also getting those little tiny red vines. They got all the goods. But if you were a teenager and you didn't dress up, you get a whopper. Get out of here.

It's so easy. Sometimes on Halloween, I do two for one when I dress up. I could be one or the other. Right. Sometimes I'm a ghost. Sometimes I'm a KKK member. I get it. You can flip flop. I can flip flop.

The two. Or a ghost and a KKK member could be just a sperm. You look like a sperm.

That's.

True. It could be all the above.

You can be.

Three things. Yeah. But we handed out a lot of candy. It was good to see. I love it. I really do love it when the... But the guy that said thank you really meant a lot to me because we work hard to make it enjoyable for the kids because we've got a lot of Scrooge McDucks on the neighborhood.

There's no way as good as that.

There's no way as what? I'm just asking you. There's no ways as good as what?

I mean, you just claim to think that you have the best Halloween house.

Ours was one of the best for sure with no doubt. There's no way. First of all, there is music, there's fog, there's graveyard. That's what you say, I don't know. There's bones all over the place. There's witches that are hanging around. Dude, I re-go to.

The- Because I was at your house weeks ago and there was nothing there.

Yeah, weeks.

Ago we weren't prepared. Okay, I don't want to challenge you. You don't.

Do anything. Who are you to talk? You turn the lights out.

I'm just saying that you could just say you have all these things, but when I was there, there was no proof of it.

Not even the garage. You weren't there on Halloween.

You weren't there on Halloween. Like all getting ready to get that going. There's no fog machine.

You weren't there. There's a fog machine on.

The night. Look what I did. You know what I did? It's like nothing as far as I'm concerned.

You weren't there. And what.

Did you do? Nothing. Yeah. But I admit it. I don't go, Hey, you guys, I had a fucking hawn in the house. I had fucking a gargoyle and all that stuff.

If you did, you would. You're a fuck head. I put it together. So yeah, that's what I did.

But you're not the best in the neighborhood.

I'm sorry. You're just angry because you don't have the fucking guts to do it, to go out on an emotional limb. I don't have kids that come to my.

Fucking house over the hills.

That's exactly who.

You are. A fancy.

Rich guy. I look at.

Steve Carell. They don't have nothing like that.

All he had in his house was old chili, turkey chili. He'd be scooping it into kids' bags. It's a blessing.

Yeah, dude. You know what? Old air one, turkey chili, dude.

I started the documentary about Mr. Chow. I don't know if you know his story. I love it. It'd be one of the saddest stories I've ever heard in my life.

He's still alive. What do you mean?

I just saw him. His story is insanely.

Sad, I'm telling you. Let me say a guess. Go ahead. He was Chinese.

Correct.

He's Chinese. Came here. Yeah. Oh, I have no money. I make a lot of money. It became famous?

Not even close. Okay, tell me. I'm spoiler alert for the Mr. Chao documentary on HBO. But it's pretty incredible. This guy got chipped away to boarding school when he was a kid. His dad was a famous theater actor, stage actor, pretty rare for the times.

Chow-yong Phat?

Chow-yong Son. Chow-yong Skin. Nie. Whoa. Yeah, his brother.

Big fan.

Of his movies. Then his sister wanted to be an actor, and it was just as rare for the time, especially for Chinese people, because you know the roles, you talk about it in your stand-up act, racist Hollywood. Every role was like, Oh, I do the run-gree. That was every role he ever got. When he moved to London and started to get in film, was in popular films as he grew. He hadn't seen his mother for ever, couldn't see his mom because his mom was back in China. Anybody but the time that went against.

The Chinese government- I thought you were going to say because his eyes were so slanty.

Well, that's true. Anybody back against the Chinese government was blacklisted and killed. Both of his parents- Who? Really? -his parents were murdered. Yeah.

You knew who else was murdered? Brandon Lee.

Yeah, Bruce Lee's son. Yeah. Well, that was on accident.

No.

It was on accident. No way I did. You think that had a tie to Rust and that whole thing? No. You think that was a reprise of Brandon Lee, Rust?

Simon Chow, you know who he is?

He.

Was a producer of Bruce Lee movies back in the day. There's a conspiracy theory.

That he had Brandon Lee killed.

That he had Brandon Lee killed and the sister has been in hiding because maybe she's next. Anyway, let's move on.

Chau's parents were murdered. Yeah.

Amazing. Oh, man.

It's sad. Then his wife, because of the shock of the murder of his parents, him and his wife start to disconnect. Yeah. She goes, steps out in the marriage. When she comes back, she's dying of AIDS. Insane.

Don't.

Be let that- That's 100% the truth. His wife died of fucking AIDS.

After.

She stepped out in the marriage because he was disappearing because he couldn't deal with the loss of his parents. Then he moved and started to really do the restaurant here in L. A. Because it started.

In- Wow. I want to watch the documentary.

Dude.

It's an instant- Because I ran into him one time at the store. I'm not lying. I knew who he was. He was in the Missy's bucket seat. I don't know how he got there, but in the bucket seat.

Probably because of Mr.

Chow. Yes, Mr. Chow. I get he grabs me and he goes, Let me talk to you. Kicks me outside and he goes, Come to my wedding. I go, When? Tomorrow.

I go, Tomorrow? I don't fucking know you. You got to go to his wedding. I never went.

You should have gone. I have a photo on my Instagram if you don't want to believe me. That was that night. Of Mr. Chow? Yeah. Anyway, have you been there?

No, I've never been there, but I've seen that picture of you with him. Yeah.

What's your favorite Chinese dish?

I do. Top three. Tongpao chicken, orange chicken, and I know it's like whatever, but fried rice.

Yeah, it's great.

Fried.

Rice? I know you were going to give me shit about that, but I love.

Fried rice. What did you want her to say? Peking duck.

What.

Did you want.

Her to say? There's beef and broccoli, Mongoli and beef. You know what I mean? There's what?

Aren't these all the white ones anyway? Aren't these because of us?

No.

When you go to China, they eat that? No, this is all white people.

My favorite is because it's got a little bit your people in it. Guess what it is?

Fuevo Frencharles. I said.

To you, that was...

I thought it was good. That wasWhat is it?

Mooshu pork? That's it.

Yeah.

Mooshu pork. Why? Because it's like a taco. A burrito. Yeah, exactly. Do you like it? Of course. That's the only time I like plum sauce is in Mooshu pork. I don't like it in any other area.

Well, now that we're stuck on some Asian stuff.

Tell me about everything.

I want to play you something and I want you to close your eyes for a second.

Is it Asian music?

It is Asian music.

Okay, go ahead. I'll tell you what it is.

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That's vroom. Com. Black turns to gray, another hair. Change of shade.

To rainy clouds. I'm proud of what you did onI know it is. My brother.

Yeah. Who's it about?

My mom. It's a good song. It's a.

Great song. He goes, He's probably going to cry.

It was great.

I saw you almost cry.

A little bit. Yeah, and.

Also- Great song. That's off. Stevie Weeby's new album, he sent it to me today. Pretty beautiful relationship I have with the Lee family that he would send it to me and not you to promote on the show. Can you show this to Bobby on Bad Friends? He can't text you, but he'll text me. But his new album is available now.

Oh, it's really good.

It's on what? It's on-.

Probably Spotify?

No. What's it called? Bandcamp? Bandcamp. That's on Bandcamp. The link will be in the description for all the fans. That was really good. Please support our Lee family. There's some bangers on there. What's that track called again? It's for his mom. It's called Oma.

Jigay. Is Kimchie-jig-get, which is a soup.

So Mama soup, basically. Pretty awesome.

That's so awesome. I remember talking to him almost a year ago and he wanted to make more music and get back into it. Now to see his whole album is.

Out, it's really cool. There's Stevie Weeby Lee. That's Bobby's Brothers' new music, new album out, go check it out on Bandcamp. Very good. Isn't that nice? Can you connect with your brother a little bit through music? Do you talk to him about this stuff ever?

Well, him and I were both musically inclined. My brother took a different direction musically.

What do you mean? Like he had more of.

Hip hop vibe. Yeah, more hip hop vibe because I didn't grew up with, he for some reason in his class, he hung out with a lot of black dudes. But in my class, we didn't have any.

Oh, they weren't accepted by you and.

Your dad. No, we had one guy. I forgot his name. I think it was Steve Havy or something. Not Harvey.

Steve.

Harvey.

I got to tell you, that.

Guy is doing well. I forgot his name. I forgot this guy's name.

Show.

Me, Poway. But he stole... I remember he stole my He-Man.

And never gave it back. Why is that could be a Black guy stealing something story? Why? You couldn't have been telling me.

The story. I know, that's my thing.

That's the only story you remember from him?

Yeah, he stole my He man.

Multiple? You had multiple He men?

Well, I had skeletor, He man, all the other characters.

Well, you're probably the rich little Brett. I would have stolen from you, too.

He wouldn't give them back. I'm like, Come on, Steve Harvey. I forgot his name.

You have a little mustache.

Back then. Yeah. But my point is... Then my brother had a crew and they listen to hip hop. The only influence I had was my cousin Paul would tell me about the velvet underground or other bands, you know what I mean? That's my influence. But I wish I had more of a hip hop vibe, but I don't.

Oh, it's okay. I apologize. Have you checked in on your mom since we've done the therapy sessions, by the way?

We text every night, so I haven't called her physically now.

Is she still going?

Yeah.

Is she happy with it?

I haven't gotten the details, but she still likes it, she said. That's great. I don't want to dive into it because I don't want to get involved. The results aren't.

Up to me. No, I understand. I'm just saying, but it's good to know if she's happy going.

If she goes and she likes it, God bless.

God.

Bless. But the results aren't up to me.

And so on. Just like your addiction, you have to let... It's not up to you, right?

And my career.

It's not up to you.

It isn't up to me. You just try your best and see what unfolds. And guess what, guys? It's unfolded very good, my life.

Very.

Well. I'm 52 years old. Monday night, I went to dinner with a bunch of Korean actors.

And stuff.

They were on fire.

What? Physically?

Yeah, and I was putting water.

On them. That's a weird dinner.

What? Protesting.

They were protesting. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Well, yeah, just in the Vietnam War, those monks, we had dinner and they just lit themselves on.

Fire and I'm like, Oh.

Dinner party. Yeah. There was no point of it. I'm like, What's the cause?

We don't know. You're like, I'll get the check. These guys are fighting the sun and the fire. We're just cold.

I go, Just getting the heat. But my point is that I was at dinner with a bunch of young Asians in the business. They're all talking about their deals and all the great things that are happening in their lives. I, for once in my life, went, I hope you guys die. No, for once in my life, I was like, God, I'm just so.

Proud of this group.

They.

Don't have a gold plaque.

From YouTube? No, they have Oscar. But my point is, no, they don't have a gold plaque.

Nobody there.

Has an Oscar. I know they don't. But they're doing their own thing. I'm just watch. Because when I started, there was no opportunity. It was so.

Fucking hard. Here we go.

But with.

Them, it's fine. It was so easy for me. That was the difference, I think. It was a cakewalk for everybody else.

I'm not doing that right now, dude. Now, don't roll your fucking eyes. You know who used to do that? Mr. Ferguson used to do that. My fucking biology teacher. Every time he would ask me a question in fucking high school, and I didn't know. I never knew that he would roll his eyes.

You asked a question and he.

Would- No, because I was always doing something.

Stupid.

Well, I don't know, but he'd be just like, Mr. Lee, what is the mineral sign? Whatever itis the.

Mineral sign or for a-.

I could see why he rolled his eyes.

I'd be like, I don't know, man. You mean the metrics? He's like, What are you talking about? Metrics. It's not math. I go, But the square. You know what I mean? He's like, It's a pie. The pie. The pie square. Yeah. He's like, No. Anyway, he rolled his eyes. I used to go like, You piece of shit, dude.

Look at him now. Where is he? Is he dead?

I don't know. Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. When I get out of here, I'm going to find you, dog. I'm going to gowd him his eyes out with a fucking skillet.

Tough guy.

I like this guy. I don't know about a skillet. A skillet is not that. Yeah, a.

Skillet for cooking. It's a stomach. It's a hardwood to cut someone's eyes out with.

A skillet. I know, but it'd.

Be painful. For both of you.

Yeah, but don't roll your eyes at me. That's my thing. Don't do it.

I'll roll my.

Eyes at you. Watch, watch. Halloween. A couple of cobwebs. How does it feel, man?

It feels mad. I think your insecurity.

Bleeds through. Yeah, it's sad. It's so sad.

What you're doing, dude?

Your little house. Anyway, I was so grateful.

For this. Your turkey chili. It's the fat, sad boot on the stairs.

Yeah? Yeah, dude. Okay. Yeah. All right. Fucking bitch. Fucking bitch, dude.

Fucking bitch ass.

Love you, though, man. Love you, Doug. It's so fun. It's so fun on the road.

It's so fun. It has been real. We've had some really fun times on the road.

What was the last place we played? Denver. Great.

And then we got Chicago, Milwaukee, and Madison, and Minneapolis.

We're done.

We're going to the coldest places in the cold in the worst time.

Although you know you're going to meet Dan.

Dan Rather from CBS News? Yeah. How do you know him?

We follow each other on Etsy.

Dude, you're like Theo Vaughan today. No, I'm not. You're like taking things somewhere else that don't belong together.

No, we both create things on Etsy.

We trade. Oh, you follow each other on Etsy? Yeah. What do you make on Etsy?

Mittens.

You're a mitten guy? Yeah.

Mitten and Baboo.

So no fingers. Mittens.

They're so stiff, though.

Yeah. Right. We just keep to pick the- And so not warm. Yeah. And don't wear them around pandas.

What does he make, Dan Rather, on Etsy?

Oh, he makes these... You know how he loves to talk on the mic? Yeah. He makes it out of linen.

Good. You got it.

Yeah, linen swabs.

He makes linen microphones?

Yeah. You know the tips of the Q-tip?

Do I? Yeah. Cotton?

That's not really cotton.

Is it not? No. What's on the tip of a Q-tip?

Q.

Oh, it's just a bunch of Q. Yeah.

What do you mean the tip? Dude, the tip of it's Q.

That's a bunch of Q woven up?

Yeah, man. Oh, wow. You don't know the difference between Q and Cotton did?

What is it?

Well, I don't know. That's why it's mysterious. It's like Q in Star Trek, next generation. There was a character named Q, and he was like this character that he was like God. He came in and out, but no one could describe what he was.

That's a Q-tip. That's what the Q-tip is. The Q-tip is named after the Q from-.

Q is a mystery. First of all, isn't that a mystery letter?

Q? Yeah. Why?

There's not a lot of words with Q.

In it. No, he's saying Y is.

A mystery letter. I'm saying Y is a mystery letter.

That's another mystery. There's two of them.

How many words start with the letter Q?

Question, coel- Queen, quins.

-quagmyer. 975 words start with the.

Letter Q. That's not good. Quadruple. Now, how many words start with B?

L-less. Wow.

That can't be right. How many words start with B? How does it say?

It's pretty interesting.

In the English?

Yeah. Yeah, 890. Less words start with B than Q. We learned something else. That's no.

Way.

Dude. Pretty impressive.

There probably isn't a lot of words that start with what I think they start with.

Well, how many? Yeah. What do you think? What letter has the most...

Let me see if we can get 20. I can't even think of 20 words that start with B.

Twenty.

Words? Yeah. No, you know it.

B? Yeah. I'd have to think, though.

Let's do it right now. Ready? You go one, I go one, you go one.

Oh, and whoever stops? Yeah.

Okay. Go.

Bifoon.

Bombastic.

Burrito.

Bouquet.

Below.

Beef.

Bark.

Bussy. Yeah, a bussy. That's a new term that's in the dictionary now. Okay. Yeah, it's a male pussy. Really? You don't.

Know about this? We can do urban stuff.

Why couldn't we? We have an urban audience now.

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Balls. Bouya.

Black.

Bounce.

Barcuda.

Barcuda is good. Isn't Barcuda one? Yeah, Barcuda is good.

It's a fish, right?

It is a fish.

Yeah.

Beacon.

Bamboozle. Bamshee.

Bowdry.

Bend.

Black.

I said black. You did?

Bruze. Block. Bruze. Block, then.

Blah. What? Are we going this way now? Yeah, go. Blah. What? Blah.

Blah. E-l-a-h.

Blood.

Oh, blood? Blot? Blot. What are.

You saying? Forget it. Blot. Forget it. Forget this game, man. We're going forever.

We did it.

We did it. We did it.

That was at least 898.

Now let's see if we can do Q, because Q technically has more.

I can't do it. Let's do it. I know three. Go. Queen, you already.

Said it. Quale.

Quagmire.

Question.

Quince.

Q tip.

Qualify.

I don't know.

I got.

No one, though. I have no idea. Quantify.

Quantify. Quality.

Question.

Quaint. Quaint.

Quick.

Quack.

Quell. Quell. Oh! Quit. Oh.

Oh, wow! I'm out.

Yeah. We know a guy who met somebody on a set and way above his.

Pay grade. She's the most famous person I think.

No, anyone knows.

Yeah, she's-This is when he was single.

Yeah.

It was a long time. Long time ago. She would live up on the hills.

Multiple.

Houses, but yeah. Late at night, we would see him walk down the hill with his face just a.

Fucking- Pussified.

-puss.

Juice. Pussified.

Famous celebrity, Puss juice, all over his face. He looked confused and gratified.

Happy. Happy. I remember the night we took a walk and talk. We smoked a joint in my neighborhood, and he told me about who it was. It did make me think for a second, Are all my friends going to date famous people? All right. It made me go, Oh, my God. Is that a normal thing?

You can do that?

Yeah.

That's what I mean. You never thought you can do that. But you can do it if they let you.

You can.

They never let me.

I think you could.

I had dinner with Kate Blanchette once. I never got the vibe.

Kate Blanchette went to dinner with you on a date?

No, on a movie. But I did a movie.

Oh, you were shooting a film.

Yeah. At night, she was like, Well, let's go take a little cast out to dinner. I sat next door at dinner.

But you were there with 20 other people.

Yeah, Jamie Lee Curtis, all these people were there.

That's not the same thing.

I was sitting there and in my mind, I'm like, If she did, I.

Would do it. If she made a move. Yeah. If Kate Blanchette made a move, what's your move? Look at I'm Kate- No, no, no, please. Bring me a photo of her so I can play her, please. Just so I can get in character.

I don't want to get in trouble here.

She's British, right?

Yeah. She's the nicest person I ever met.

Bobby? Yeah.

That's dead on.

What will you be ordering?

Me? I'm sober, so I'll get Diet Coke.

Okay, Diet Coke for the little one.

What would you.

Be having? I'll have a gin and tomic.

That's a nice, a good choice.

Do you mind if I drink in front of you?

I don't mind at all.

Do you mind if I have a drink while you're licking my toes later? I'm hitting you. I'm hitting you, Robert. Here? Under the table, you go.

I would do it.

You would go right under the table? Oh, yeah. If she said right in front of all those.

People, you'd be like- Why would you? You can't say no. Improv, always agree. Well, have you done movies with before you were married with famous people? When you were single?

No, I still don't do movies with famous people.

Kevin Hart's not famous?

No, but that's now. That was only a couple of years ago. No, I never got a big movie. I never got to do anything with... The only people that I got to work with.

That was-Who's the biggest actor you've worked with?

In my life? Yeah.

Because you just did John Cena.

Tom Arnold.

That's not even fucking... I've done Tom Arnold.

Tom Arnold.

I've done Tom Arnold.

Who was the biggest I ever worked? Melissa Leo, when I did... I mean, she's an Oscar winner.

Yeah, huge.

How about you? How about you? How about not.

Hook up with me. How about you? Mark Wallberg.

Wait.

What? Yeah, because I was in the wardrobe department on Transformers 5, and I delivered him his shoe insert.

Was he nice?

How big are they?

Really nice. How big are they? They were not like padding, but just comfort.

Yeah, but you were the 10th person to give them one.

Yeah, that's right. They were stacking them up. That's funny. I didn't want to say it because I was shy about that. He was really nice. He came out of his trailers.

If Mark Wallberg hit on you, would you? Yeah. Even now?

Wait, why did you say even now?

Now he's older. I mean, I don't know.

Older? He's one of.

Those ageless Hollywood- All right, so if Mark Wallberg called you out in the blue and goes, Hey, baby, let me take you out on a date. You would go on a date with him? Yeah, I.

Would love to go on a date with Mark. And if he tried to- Why? Has he said something? You would.

Make out and all that stuff with him?

Maybe. I mean, he's still a person. I'd want to- Get to know him. -probably.

But I'd still want to see Mark. What if he was like, I want to take you on a date, but just let you know. I got a fuck on the first date and it's only anal. What would you say?

Oh.

Man. You don't do anal on the.

First date? No. But it's mine. It's me. It's Maki Maki. Yeah. I know. You got to let me do it, baby girl. You got to let me do it. I got a fucking first date and I got to get.

The ass. Is it your ass or my ass? Both. I mean, I'll both.

I got a happening post.

I'll sign it for you. You never heard of the Walberg way?

Okay, the happening post.

You want free hamburger for.

My family? Yeah, and.

Free Walburg. You get free Walburg for life. Yeah. It's a good deal.

Then we're over.

Let's do this thing. No, I worked with him. That was me, him, and.

Kevin Hart. I wonder if there's a star that hit on me and I would just go, I just can't. A hot Starlet.

Margo Robbie.

No, Margo Robbie.

You would say no to Margo Robbie. Too hot. What do you mean too hot?

Dude, it would be like... Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, pressure. I would be there and I'd be like, I'd look down because that's what you do. Like in a war. In a war? Right? Back in the day when they had muskets and the war starting and you have your musket. You have to look down to see if all the stuff is in there.

You don't really.

Yeah, but I would.

Okay. Immediately dead. No. How did private Lee die? He didn't lie to it. He shot himself in the fucking head.

If you were looking down the barrel. I would just see if everything's in. I would look at my dick and go, Is everything there? If the sack there is.

The sack there? I think if Margo Robbie was with you, you'd be just fine. Saying you don't want to get with Margo.

Robbie- If she doesn't kiss, then no.

If she doesn't kiss?

You are insane.

You're crazy. No, I can't get... You know my thing. I know. I can't get hard.

Period.

No, I can't. Unless I know that they like me.

Blue-choo. No.

The way I know that a woman likes me if they make out. If she likes you- I can feel during the make out section that they like me. Then I go, Okay, I'm in. But if I'm in a situation where they don't like me, I can't get aroused.

How many girls have you slept with that don't like you?

Be careful. None.

What do you mean?

But I've been in situations where one time... Okay, one time I did this common club. I can't name the guy. But I guess I show up at this town because I got you a woman.

I got you a woman.

I go, What.

Do you mean?

Was this 1966? I go, What do you mean? It's like a woman of the night. I go, Who told you that I need this? Carlos? Yeah. Then I walked in the hotel room. There was a woman in my hotel room.

Just sitting on the bed?

Yeah. She goes, Hi, so and so. I go, Yeah, get out. I can't do it.

You didn't even ask her what they paid for?

No.

Can you imagine if you got a discount package? She's like, Hi, I can jerk you off, but it's with my feet. There's a girl in West.

Hollywood who.

Does that just their feet. Of course you know the girl. Of course you know that. She just feet? Because she doesn't.

Want to touch you. I just need somebody to like. I have to know that they like me before I.

Do it. Let me tell you something. Saying no that you wouldn't want to go on a date with Margo Robbie because she's too hot. It's like saying, I don't want to ride down a mountain on skis because it's over at some point. Who the fuck cares? Yes, it's a quick ride.

Margo Robbie is never going to- What if they don't want to go down to the mountain on skis?

No, she's letting you ride down the mountain. But you're like, It's going to be over at some point. But what.

If you don't like skiing?

Then you don't like Margo Robbie.

Bingo.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Would you?

I'll take a date with Margo Robbie.

Oh, you're right. I would go.

What?

Yeah. I would go. I would try. If I didn't try, I wouldn't know. I would go in and she goes, No, just eat my pussy. I'd just be like, Okay.

Then then kicks you out. Then the moment you're done, she goes, Get out. There's a new word outside. Get the fuck out.

I'm making you- I don't get to come?

What? Gross. Yuck. Get out.

I wouldn't ask her that. I would just be an internal dialog.

No, I know. But she heard you say it inside. She's that good.

Oh, my favorite one. I go...

And then she goes- Get out. -get out. What are you? Insane. By the way, and then tomorrow you're going to call her anyway. Right. Marco, I had a great time. I know you did a loser.

When can I do it again?

Whenever the fuck I want. I'll call you later.

Okay, okay. I'll be up 24/7. Call me anytime.

Viator.

Guess what? You went to Borabora. What did.

I do? For my little birthday, Bobby got me a little excursion with ATVs. Man, what a nice little journey, a.

Guided tour.

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Would it be? One wish, what would it be? Where do you find the bottle?

Where do we find the genie bottle?

Yeah, you find it on the beach or the desert? -desert. -airwan.

-airwan. Do they sell genie lamps?

Or I'm at Air-wan. How much do you think a wish would cost?

Probably like $100.

Per a wish? You need like 100 grand.

At Air-wan. Yeah, at Air-wan.

If you got- But I'd get to- -Literally, if you got one wish, literally, that would probably cost probably 25 million.

This is interesting. Does the genie and its lamp and its wish giveeth? Does that come from where it's located, where the lamp is found? You would find it in Beverly Hills. Yeah. Is he like a fancy-looking genie that gives you unlimited wishes? But if you find one in Torrance, is he like, Dude, you get a half a wish. I got to go.

Yeah, I get mine.

At Ralph's. Yeah. If you have a lamp that you find at Vaughan.

What's a half wish?

You have a half wish, right? Only some of it's going to come true.

Yeah. The genie is lazy.

My one wish would be... That's a tough one.

For bad friends to last forever.

For me and Andrew to live forever.

For you and I to live forever? Yeah. Wow, dude, can you imagine the Apocalyptic? Everyone's gone. Everything doesn't exist except for you and I.

But then you have a wish, and you can make that better. You could double down on.

Our wish. Wait, imagine, though, I had the same wish, and the genie's like, You fucking idiot. You both wish for the same thing. We just live together.

Oh, no, I'd be mad. I go, No pussy, dude. No, dude, I thought you.

Did that. I thought you did that.

That was my.

First thought. I thought you did that. No. If we ever get a fucking wish, all right? Okay, let's do it. I'm going to go, Me and Andrew live forever, and your wish would be?

That we live forever. No. I fucked it.

Up again? No, that we get a woman. I get it. A lover of our lives would have.

Lived forever, too. You do a wish, I'll do one. Ready, go.

All right, Genie. May I call you Genie?

Yes, you may.

You're just... I'm sorry, my.

Eyes are okay. I'm a.

Lady, Genie. Whoa.

Whoa, my bad. This Genie looks a lot different than I thought Genies would look like.

Yeah, well, I'm magic, so I can transform. Cool.

Anyway, my one wish is for me and Andrew to live forever.

Which Andrew?

Centino. Oh, yeah, your podcast. The one I do the.

Podcast with. Do I get a wish, Genie?

Okay, you guys live forever. What's your...

My wish?

Andrew.

Think about it. I got it. My wish is that me and my best friend, Bobbily, live forever.

What? Okay, it's done. See you guys later. Bye.

We're doing it. No, dude. I take it back.

Wait, so if you're the last ones on Earth, you guys are fucking right.

We're so.

Old at that point. Wish granted.

No, because there's still going.

To be sex. That was my secret wish. You didn't know.

You know what I would go? I'd go, Hey, let's get this motorcycle because we'd have motorcycles.

Of course, we have motorcycles. How do we not?

We got to go to San Marcos. You know what that San Marcos?

What?

You don't know what that San Marcos. No. San Marcos, San Diego.

Oh, yeah.

The real doll factory.

Think about it. Just two best.

Friends going to.

The real doll factory.

We go in there and we can put the parts.

But you know what will happen? What? We'll use them all, we'll never clean them, and then we'll run out. No, we live there. Then we got to go find another sex doll factory. This is a movie, two best friends. This is our Harold and Kumar. They're trying to go to White Castle. We just are trying to go get sex toys. We're traveling the country going from sex toy factory to sex toy factory. We use them once, we throw them away, and then we got to go find a new one.

Well, I'm sure there's about 500 of them.

Well, then let's.

Get started. They're not one use things. You can use probably one for a year.

It's actually a good movie. My two best friends set out to go because of the Apocalyptic. Instead of going to get food or rashes, they want to go to the ultimate sex toy factory to have sex with the most realistic doll that's just been imported from Japan. It's basically a human and it's a journey. That's our Haldon Kumar.

That's funny. We get there, what happens? They become real in a.

Weird way. They kill us. Yeah, they kill us for sure. They're hunting us and killing us.

They're the reasons why there is no more people in the world because.

They're aliens. Everyone's maybe getting killed by sex dolls, which are inhabited by aliens.

Yeah. If we're the last people on Earth, once we went to the sex place, that story, I get a bunch of.

Real dolls. I know we're joking about this, but I do- Where would you go? I do think this is coming soon. Where would you want to go? The end of the world. Where would I go what?

If you and I are the only ones on Earth and I'm like, We got to go to San Marcos, and you'd probably go, All right, let's go.

I'd go for you, yeah.

But then where would you want to go after that? That's so fun. Yeah.

Where's my place to go to?

Yeah, I would go anywhere.

I'd want you to drive across the country with me to Augusta National to go play probably the most coveted golf course in the world.

Wait, how long- Go ahead. How long do you think gasoline would be available?

There's got to be so much.

There's so much for.

Just two people. We'd never run out.

Never run out. Yeah, but- I don't know how to use generators, do you?

Yeah, what do you mean? Please. But we need gasoline for a generator.

I know there's going to be gas around, but I don't know how any of it works.

I got you, baby. That's why.

You- Lighting? What do you mean? How did we light up a place?

Electricity, he means. Yes.

That's what I meant.

The grid will be down, so we'll have to use candles at night.

Or generators.

Yeah, Jenny is with a big light that's heavy. We might as well just use candles.

And loud. They're really loud.

Yeah, right.

Here's what we'll do. Every house we stay in when we're done, we'll just burn it to the ground.

That's awesome. That's fun. I don't know. Oh, and can I ask you this?

We'll stay in LeBron.

James's house. Can we have a million dogs?

Well, first of all, they'll be following us. We'll be the only ones finding food. We'll naturally just acquire dogs.

That's what would happen, right?

Yeah.

You would have hundreds of dogs following around. To be.

No cats, though.

One.

How? They'll never stay with us. We're on the move. You don't know some of them. How are we going to carry these dogs? Are we going to put them in a semi? We got to get a semi truck and put them back up with dogs.

Here's what we do then. I'm being real.

Okay.

I'm not being real. So am I. We have to find one place to stay.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll stay there. We'll stay in the greatest place on Earth. Where? Austin, Texas. Yeah, yeah.

We're going.

To Joe's house. The center of the universe. We'll go to Joe's house.

No, a different Joe. It's Joe Biden.

Oh, the White House.

No. Yes, you guys got at least one.

Night's thing. The White House, and we'll paint it yellow. We're going to own the white. We're going to live in the White House. That's what we're going.

To do. Okay, anyway, wherever we go, we keep the dogs there. I'll stay there with them.

Fine, and I'll go on a journey.

You got to go to San Marcos to get me this sex toward. Oh, my God. If you bring back the good kind.

You know what's going to end up happening. What?

I.

Do. Go ahead.

You're going to try to make Andrew be your servant.

Andrew is just going to go off on his own.

Get you sex dolls. You're going to find food because there's no Uber Eats, no Steak Houses.

Don't be silly.

She's right. Oh, yeah. Me told you.

What are you.

Providing then? Food is.

All going to go bad. Number one, you guys are so dumb, dude. Number one, okay. I can go to Avon's, right? Frozen food's out.

Yeah, there's no more frozen food. It's gone.

Exactly, right? Vegetable, anything fresh is out.

Correct.

It's only canned food. Canned food. I know how to open those.

Good, yeah. You just act like you can't.

Plant the seeds yourself. I know how to put those pots, and I know how to pour beans in a pot and start a fire because the lighters will be there. That's right. They'll be wood. It's true. To do a bonfire.

I'm going to start a Michelin star restaurant by myself that no one shows up to every night, but I prep like someone is going to come. That's so sad. I stand outside with a towel on my arm, and Is just as the wind, just the languid wind. I just go, Care for some Italian? Yeah. I just stand by myself, losing my mind. But I cook like feverishly every day.

I'll be the wine guy.

You finally show up. Like Lieutenant Dan to Forrest Gump, you finally show up.

I have no legs. I have no legs.

Why did you lose your legs?

Lieutenant- The fire, I was making beans.

Lieutenant Lee let his legs.

On fire. I was making beans, and I found Andrew again. He never got the sex dolls, but here we have this restaurant now.

The movie is called Lieutenant Lee's legs. Yeah.

And.

Then you replaced your legs with the sex doll legs.

Wait, if Bobby's bottom half was a sex doll?

Yes, I would. Okay. What are we even talking about at some point? Of course, I would. If your bottom half fell off and we had to put a sex doll on the bottom?

How much money did Lieutenant Dan give Forrest Gump for the shrimp Company?

What do you mean? Do how much did Forrest Gump get Lieutenant Dan?

Didn't Lieutenant Dan make a lot of money off of the.

Shrimp company? Yeah, but Forrest bought the boat from Boba.

Gump's mom. I understand that. How much money does he give Forrest?

Well, they got about 15 boats.

Right. Because all the boats were wiped out.

Yeah, and they were the.

Only ones left. Right, and they made millions of dollars. They had tens of the money. I remember Lieutenant Dan comes to the wedding or whatever. I know that Forrest makes money from Lieutenant Dan, but I was wondering if Lieutenant Dan fucked him over a.

Little bit. It felt like he did a little bit. Those legs were made out of the same thing the NASA space shuttle was made out of. I didn't trust him.

That's true.

When I look at movies like that, I don't like it.

Taylor Tomlinson to host CBS After Midnight. She's taken over for fucking James Gordon.

Really? Wow! That's a.

Huge news. Comedian has scored the late night CBS gig. She beat out X Mayo and Ricky Velaz for the hosting job. The news would announce on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, whose host will executive produce the show. Tomlison, rising standup has released her Netflix specials quarter of crisis and look at you. Congratulations to Taylor Tomlins.

Taylor, oh, my God. Our homie.

Who's going to be now hosting.

When you told me that, it gave me goosebumps the size of coconut balls.

Amazing. That's amazing. Honestly, good for Taylor. Congratulations, Taylor, Thomason.

It's absolutely amazing.

It's like comedy history.

Honestly, that's the first female comedian to host a late night show.

She's young.

She's young.

What is she? Twenty seven?

Got to be 25, 26. But you know what's so funny is she's walking in the footsteps of some of the greats before because I will say Joan Rivers would do guest hosting for.

Johnny Carson. Yeah, she had her own show, too.

But I'm saying Joan Rivers always wanted and probably deserved to get a.

Late night show. She did on Fox.

The main ones we're.

Talking about. She had a main Fox one. That's why Johnny Carson was.

Mad at her. You're not listening. I'm saying the main shows, the late show, the late, late show, the Tonight Show.

Also what Arsino did wasn't a real thing.

It was, dude. It's like.

Different.

Category, though. Yeah, you're missing what I'm saying. The main network television late night shows are the.

Ones that- The Fox Island is not late. It's not main.

I don't know what you just said, to be honest.

What I was trying to say was it's impressive to be a female to lead a late night show that is one of the original network late night shows. You're right. That's huge. It's huge. It's a big fucking deal. Because Joan Rivers and all these other people that had shows, they weren't the main shows. They weren't the late nights or the Tonight Show.

I love they went, We're going to go young young.

Well, she's a voice of a massive generation. Look at her audience. She sells out fucking arenas. There's a reason she's so famous. There's a reason Nate Bargassie just did fucking SNL.

Yeah, but I hope they don't. Because when you watch Fallon or any of these guys do their monologs and stuff, it just becomes so watered down and cookie cutter. You know what I mean? There's no more edge to it. I just wish that she doesn't lose the magic, that's all.

She's not really an edgy comedian. She very speaks from her own voice and her own perspective.

But they're going to write her topical stuff. I just hope it doesn't-.

I don't think it will. I think she'll do a phenomenal. She doesn't have an edge. She's not an edgy comic. She's a very like- I.

Think she's.

Cool, though. She is, but she's a wholesomeom. The reason they booked her on that is because she's receivable to an American audience. She doesn't go out of her way to talk about poop and jerking off like this show. I'm sorry. Newsflash, we're definitely not getting on late night anytime soon. Never. She's much more clean and concise and intelligent. Her comedy is very good. This is bullshit. It's not bullshit. This is goofball, whack-a-do, nonsense. Let's get a quif. We're about to show a clip.

We did Denver, and what we've been doing, guys, is we're doing talent shows. Because we know our fans have massive talent.

We've had some pretty.

Impressive- We had a lady that did a Hawk... Not Hawk.

No, she did a Segel. A Segel. We had a bunch of rappers. We had a rapper in DC who was actually really good. We had a rapper in Denver.

The Denver was good, too.

We've had a lot of hidden talent fans. I think the most impressive talent was what?

Let's say it on three.

One, two, three. Queef. Oh.

Wait, what were you going to say?

I was going to.

Say that beat box. She wasn't on the lineup, right? We asked the audience, we have a lot of talented people that signed up for the talent show, and some random lady in the audience goes, I can queef on command.

We always.

Gets your attention.

Yeah, get on stage. You got to get on stage.

To me, I went, Stop, Holt. There was 3,500 people there.

Not only could she quif on command when she came on stage, which by the way, they gave us that microphone she used. We have it here. It's encased in the front room.

They didn't want.

To use it again? It's melted. The top is just... Oh, I see. But this woman could quif on beat. She made a beat. She could quif with.

A beat. It was incredible. It was like a golden buzzer moment, like an AGT.

Everybody vandalized. Oh, my God. We're sending her to the final.

Do you remember when Mozart, Saliarity? Saliarie? I remember. Do you remember? Yeah. What? Saliari?

Sali-you're such an asshole, dude. You're such a fucking asshole. You're such a fucking pretentious dickhead. You know who you are, dude? You're the guy that likes $35 water. You're a fucking dickhead.

Yeah, Saliarie. Saliarie. Saliarie. Saliarie wrote a piece for the king, right? The king is practicing because he wants to show off in front of Mozart. Right. Right? And Mozart comes in and goes, Well, I think this will be better, and he made it better. That's what this lady.

Was like. Do you imagine Mozart comes in the room when somebody's composing something and he's just eating something and he just goes, Gay, to whatever sense.

But she came in and goes, Hold my drink. Hold my drink. Yeah, and watch what I.

Can do. But you know what the weirdest? You can hear it go...

It was incredible. It's so- It was incredible.

We can't show the video on the main page.

Here, of course, because we're- But we have a patron.

We're going to show it there. Go watch it on the patron if you want. It's on there. We can't show it on the.

Main page. She's the rockmaninof of Queefs.

The rockmaninof of Queefs. Go check it out on the patron because if we show it on here, YouTube will get mad at us again. Again. I want to say this. I really, really, really love you.

Who? Me?

Juice.

Oh, me.

To the fans out there that have been asking, we are an inch away from closing down the deal so we can go to Australia to perform for our fans. Oh, yeah. Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Auckland, we're all over the place down on the... We're working on it right now. But in the meantime, go see us out in 2024, get the tickets because we're going to be in Atlantic City, we're going to be in Tucson. We're going to be in Reno, Tameculah, Sacramento. Get it now. Go check us out at badfriendspod. Com for those tickets. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. You know.

How I knew, by the way, what time you left in Denver when I walked past the hotel room? How would I know what you did that morning or that late that night? What do you mean? There was a cart in the hallway with all the food on it that you ordered. I literally go, God, I knew, Bobby, you ate last night. We just ate dinner. I bet he ate again. I lifted up the napkin and she starts cracking up. Spagetti, steak, soup, salad. We just ate and he had so much stuff. Here's the deal.

We want to- Can you never do that again? What? That's my food.

I didn't.

Touch it. No, it's intrusive. It don't.

You.

Were done with it.

I covered it. You were done.

Did I not cover my food?

That's to say I'm done.

It doesn't matter. It's mine. Don't look at it.

I'm going to look at it every time. I'm going to do whatever I want. I'll look at your fucking food all I want. Especially if you're done, you're done. It's for the garbage. You're throwing it away. Can I tell.

You another thing then? Yeah, go ahead. Since we're here at this level.

Yeah, let's go then. I wasn't.

Really going to fart on your wife.

Yeah, you were.

No, I wasn't. You acted so.

Fucking weird about it. You farted on everyone in the green room. You also did fart right next to her because you thought it was funny, and I said, Don't fucking fart on her.

But why are you so fucking weird about it?

Because it's crazy disrespectful. She did not want that to happen. Yes, she was not into it. That's not okay. She doesn't like that.

Okay, but don't get that angry about it. Nobody is. Shut up. I'm going to fart on your wife next.

Time I see her. Can you imagine? He would be so fucking mad. I don't give a fuck. Now that they have a baby, he'll kill you.

That's instant. Anyway.

You can do whatever you want to me.

Okay, well, then how about this? You don't look at my food, I don't fart on your wife.

I'm going to look at your food all the time. I'm going to fart on your wife. I'll beat the shit out of you.

I'll beat the shit out of me.

Yeah.

You will. I'll beat the shit out of myself. God, you get so mad about stupid things, man.

To do something so stupid.

There's other things you get mad about.

You're 52 and to fart on somebody's wife is insane.

Backstage.

It's fun. It doesn't matter what stage. It's on front stage, back stage.

Okay, anyway.

Idiot.

I'm a fucking moron. You're a fucking idiot.

Dude.

Take a.

Chill pill as they say. 52-year-old that farts on people.

There's other things, though, too, that you just.

Get mad about. Fart on people. Nobody wants to be farted on, ever.

Can I tell you another thing that you get mad? No, I don't want to bring it on you.

Look at your face. Nobody wants to be farted on, period.

I know, but it was a joke. I wasn't really going to do it. I had asked my butt.

You did. You just.

Farted right- You did. You just farted right- You just-.

-put it on the mic.