Hey, Bad Friends. We got new merch. Okay, guys, check out these beanie. These beanie is high quality.

Very high quality.

Yeah, I love them. I love the way they turned out, too. You're not cool if you don't have one.

You're not cool if you don't have one. We're back to the old school, our OG faces on here. It says Bad Friends on the back. Turn around and show them what it looks like on the back. The shirts are so high quality. These are so comfortable. Look at that, dude. The OG is back. Go to badfriendsmerch. Com. The site is live right now, and on that site, you can also sign up for email list, and the email list lets you know when we're dropping new stuff, exclusive stuff. Our patron, shout out to our patron members, the top tier is going to get a discount on merch. And also the Bad Friends are on the road, baby.

We only.

Got a few dates left.

Hey, guys, this weekend, guess what? We're going to be.

In Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee with the Cheeseheads then in Chicago.

Then we do Minneapolis and Madison. Minnesota. So Minneapolis and Madison that empties out the year force. And in 2024, we are coming around the bend. We're coming to New Jersey.

Salt Lake.

City, Utah. Tameculah, California.

Renne.

Nevada. Sacramento, California. Long Beach, California. Long Beach. Englewood. Then we're in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Windsor, Canada. Then we're in Niagara Falls, Canada.

Yeah.

Tucson, Arizona. Tucson, and then we finish out.

4:20 in Vegas. Las Vegas, Nevada, man.

Vegas 4:20. Get your tickets right now. Go to badfriendspod. Com. Badfriendspod.

Com. Manscape. Mary Ballsmiss from our friends over at Manscape. Get 20 % off and free shipping with the code badfriends@manscape. Com. That's 20 % off with free shipping at manscape. Com and use code badfriends.

Manscape, get your Dingle Balls ready for the holidays. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

White dude and.

An.

Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad friends.

Can I pour you some $35 water? Wait, is this real, though?

Yeah.

Look, it's never been opened. Are you sure? Yeah, look, I told them we had to get you a real one. This is the real water. Look, the seal is there.

No, they did the seal on that one. Give me your cup, please. I can pour you a nice $38 bottle of water. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

This is what I deserve.

How do you feel, my little prince?

Me? I'm grateful to see you guys. Grateful to see you as well. Yeah, I've had three days of family.

Family.

Day? Yeah, I went to Disneyland.

How was Disneyland?

Dude, Disneyland's in the vest.

Yeah, when you have the clearance that you got.

I didn't get a clearance, but let me say something. I'll give you my... What's the one with the Lady, the Cat? I don't know what they're called. With the Crazy cat. She went in the hole.

Alice.

In Wonderland. Yes, that. I did that. I did The Green Man.

The Green Man, The Hulk?

No, The Green Kid. Peter Pan. You knew what I'm saying. The Green Man. Those two-.

What did they have in Korea? Was it all.

Different in Korea? Yeah. They had China-Pan. China-pan? Yeah. China-pan was all in yellow, and he had a rickshaw in the sky, and it was beautiful. What are we doing? Anyway, I went to Disneyland. What is it? Nine things you didn't know about Disneyland Star Treatment. What does that mean?

Well, you got Star Treatment at Disneyland. I think it's a.

Star Treatment. I think it's a Star Treatment. I got a chaperone.

Somebody held your hand as you.

Walked around the dinner. Well, no, I just go, Hey, can we go on The Green Man? She was Peter Pan? I go, Yeah. I go, How much is the weight? She says, There's no weight.

You go to the front of the line.

Yeah. There's a Mexican- What is that? -in the wheelchairs. They're in line for nine hours. Why you get to go to the line, bro? You know what I mean? I'm always like, but my point.

Is- You walked by paralyzed kids waiting for their.

Dream road. I don't know if they were.

Paralyzed, but they were- They're all paralyzed at Disneyland.

What else do you get?

Do you get a nice dinner? Do you get a nice food?

Well, you can get reservations. I didn't want to do any.

Of that. You didn't want to eat there, huh?

Well, in the Star Wars land, they had this thing where it was like a pita thing with stuff that they get on Tatoine, some vegetable. They get shipped straight from tattoine. It was pork meat. Porks, Chewbaka loves them. What else? I did Star Wars. I did the Minalians, Valkin. But you know what? I did the Incredible.

Roller Coat. You sound like when an eight-year-old goes to Disneyland. I did the Incredible Roller Coat. Then we did The Green Man, and then we did The Green Man, and then we got pork.

Then what else did we do? We did The Guardians of the Galaxy. That was fun, too. But we did The Incredible Coaster twice.

It's pretty fun. It sounds like you had a good time.

You went to both parks?

Yeah, you went to both parks.

I guess so.

You went to Great Adventure. What's it called? Great Adventure? California.

California adventure. Then atat five. We lost her at five. She goes, Well, we can do a couple more. I go, No, we're fine.

What do you mean you lost her at five?

The guide was done. Because you paid for a certain chunk. I was just like, It's so expensive. I was like, No.

We're good. How much is it? I can't say it on the air. Go ahead and do it.

Well, you guess.

People could Google.

It, I'm sure. Yeah, you guess.

Is it per person or just for.

The time? I don't know. I mean, I just go, What is an hourly? What was an hourly?

An hour? With a private guide and skipped the line? A thousand?

An.

Hour? Yeah, I don't know.

No.

I don't know. Way less. Oh, 500?

100? Right between.

250 an hour.

With 700 something an hour. Right between. But you have to do eight hours.

What? Do you know how you fucking just did that?

No, you said I go, no. You said 500. I go, in between. In between 500 and 1,000.

You said way less.

Way less than 1,000.

Not way less. 7:50 is not way less than 1,000. That's not much.

I just don't want the people listening to think.

That I have a lot of money. 7:50 an hour. That's fucking wild. Cool. Did you ever get to do that with him? No. No? Would you ever want to? Yeah. Yeah, you would. You would want the.

Privilege, wouldn't you?

You want to do it, right? Would you want to go in The Green Man?

You'd go to The Green Man? I just don't know how anyone... Because they're two-hour lines.

Yeah, people spend their whole... They spend.

Their whole- They play these like... Because a lot of Mexicans, they're like, Hey, bro, let's do Mexican. Let's see on A. You give me a Mexican name and A. They go, Okay, Alejandro or whatever. Then they play these games. I don't know what games they play.

That sounds like it.

Armando. But it was fun. Then where else did I go? Then we went to then Universal 2.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, the next day. Jesus. Yeah.

It's pretty good. You're exhausted.

I'm gone. You're not even here. I'm a dead man. Is he more Hollywood than you now? Go ahead.

I'm not more Hollywood than him. Go ahead.

No chance. Andrew, can I clean your new house?

No, because we need someone that's proficient. I'm the best. But I don't want to get robbed and know it's an inside job from her. Bunch of Filipinos.

That's so offensive because she is better than anyone else you could get.

But I know what she does at your house, and I don't want her to come over after doing an hour poop scrub and then have to come clean my house.

She would probably pick a different day. But she does a great job.

I want you to wear a Hazmat suit. I don't have a house, but if I do get another one, I would.

You have a nice house. I was there for your little vacation party you had the other day. Thanks, man. It was fancy people there, producers. No. Really? The big movie that I did with... Let me just say this, and I don't want to get in a fight with you because I'm.

In a mood. It seems like you're begging for a fight all day. I'm just trying to start shit.

I'm poking. Because I haven't seen people in three days, so I'm just.

Well, don't take it out on me. I won't. Take it out on these fuckheads.

Let me just get this out.

Then can you get mad about this whole thing that's going on over there?

What's going on here then?

Well, you know. You know what happened with Carlos. Why don't you talk about that?

Carlos called me crying on Friday.

I mean, he was really upset. All right. Tell the fans. We should be honest. If we're going to be honest about everything, tell the fans.

Okay, let's be.

Honest about all of it then. All right, then. Carlos moved back to Texas and he's no longer on the show. Good.

Well, he deserved it.

Really?

Yeah.

Why? He pissed me off.

He upset Bobby pretty bad.

He.

Pissed me off. Bobby texted me about 30 times and four calls. I finally picked up. I was outside and I got my phone and I was like, What's going on? What did you say?

I think he's going to get fired.

He's responsible. You said he has.

To be fired now. He has to be fired now. But I don't feel the same way now.

Well, we fired him.

I feel different. I can call him.

You want him back?

I can call him. Can I get him back?

Well.

Hold on. Yeah.

In lieu of this, we had a little bit of replacement here.

Yeah, but once I saw the replacement, I was like, No, I want.

To- You want Carlos back? -back, yeah. But McCone put in some effort to be your Carlos. Tell him.

I had to go full Carlos for you, Bobby. Are you ready?

Yeah.

Look at this.

I did that for.

You, okay?

My beautiful hair is gone.

For people that can't see the show. Mccone has shaved his head like Carlos. Here's the deal. Carlos, and man, is.

It awesome. I'm going to say this.

Okay. Look at this. Show and play the video. I did this a few hours ago. His buddy came over to his house an hour ago and shaved his head in his living room. This is all based on the fact that I said last week, I said, You really want to be Carlos? You said, Can I please be at the board, please? I said, Do you really want to be Carlos? I said, Well, then you ought to shave your head like Carlos and be bald like him. Dude? Commitment. He committed. Let's give it up for.

The.

Commitment.

That's good commitment. That is huge. I'm going to double down on it.

What? You want him to go to glory?

No. We're going to do that. I'm really going to do this. I'm in a mood, okay? Be in the mood. I really respect that. That's a game, dude, and that's clutch, and I love it. But here's the deal. We're cutting that part out. You did that for no reason. We're going to cut that whole thing, put the hat back on. Put the hat back on. Put the hat back on, right?

Leave it off.

It's funny. No, put the hat back on, right? You're going to keep that on there, right? We're going to cut the shave thing up. You did that for no reason. I think that's.

Suffice to me. That's so mean.

It's even funnier, though.

I had a feeling. No, don't.

Test me like that. Why? It looks fucking funny. Don't test me.

Do not test me.

Right now, dude. We're going to keep it in. That's insane. Why would you take that out? Just keep it out for now. No, it's so funny. Leave this hat out. It looks great.

Look at how good he looks. Well, you're not.

My Carlos then. Bend down.

What.

Happened to Carlos, Bobby? Yeah, what did happen to Carlos?

I don't want to get into my personal life.

Okay.

But if I may, I may.

You don't have to. Why don't you call Carlos and.

Tell him. But let me say this. He had to do one job. He was supposed to pick somebody up from the airport.

He was supposed to arrange a car.

For a week every day, I'm just like, Dude, so you got it? He said, I want it. It's already booked.

I.

Go, Okay, every day. Dude, you got it? Yeah, dude. The name, birthdate, everything, he's going to be there.

Right.

Eleven o'clock happens. I wake up. This person calls. There's nobody here. I go, What the fuck? I call the company and they go, The person that booked it, canceled it two minutes ago.

Carlos? Yeah. Should we get him on the phone? You want me to call him?

I went, Ape shit.

Yeah, you did try to burn down the whole world.

Yeah.

I'll get him on the.

Phone here. I'll get him on.

Okay, you get him on.

Why did you put Carlos in charge of something so important?

Yeah, why would you do that, actually?

Because he does it for the tour. Every time on the tour, they're there.

Yeah, but he screwed up this time. I'll call him.

I'll call him. Here.

He's in Texas with his family. I don't care. His grandma died.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Andrew, what's up? Hey, man. We're on the show now, and Bobby is pretty upset and he wants to talk to you about something. Oh, yeah. But did.

He tell you what I did for him? Oh, God. What did you do?

I sent him air-worn desserts.

Oh, desserts.

You know what those are? I sent them for a chocolate mousse. Right. No wheat or it's all... What's it called?

Gluten-free? Gluten-free.

Oh, so it's all gluten-free.

It's sugar-free, gluten-free. It's garbage. It's still outside my door. But it was expensive. I don't care. Literally, go pick up the air one bag that's outside my door. It's been there for three days. I have not pulled it inside the house. What? We'll get it. All right. It's rotting. I don't know what it is. I haven't even opened it. But let me say something. What you did there was out of pocket. There's no other word. I'm going to say that you really dropped the ball on that one. I'm sorry, boss. Is this not true? I called the company and they go, Excuse me, sir, but you canceled it two minutes ago. I said, The person that booked it canceled the fucking pickup two minutes ago? Why did you do that?

Because the pickup was for 5:30 PM, not 9:30 AM.

Can I ask you a valid question? Of course. Did I not give her you the flight information? You did. Does the flight information say 5:30 in the afternoon or 9:00 in the morning?

It says.

9:00 in the morning. Just curiosity, why would one... I'll give you the flight information. Why would one ridiculously book a 5:30 out in the afternoon thing?

Bob, it's military time. It's the.

Whole thing.

It's getting my.

Mind all messed up.

But I don't want to throw excuses your way. Wait a minute.

You used.

Military time? You've never been in the military? Yeah. Which is a valid.

Reason why I would mess up.

Dude, this mind trickery you're doing is working. It's not working for me, though. It's working for me. I almost agreed with him. I was like, Right.

Yeah. Do you use military time when you book the Bad Friends Tour stuff?

No.

You know what?

I think the website recently changed to military time. I think it's a new thing.

Out of the blue. You think it just happened while you were booking, in the middle of your booking? Yeah, they switched over.

They were.

Like, Oh, it switched over to a military account for some reason. It was.

A glitch.

In the system, Bobby.

It was a glitch in the system.

Carlos, a memoir, a glitch in the system. That's going to be your book. I told you this would.

Never happen again. All right, so what happens? What do I get if it does happen again?

You can put something in my butt.

I've done that already, dude. I could do that without this.

All right, you can spank me. No, too easy. You have to give him your dog, your new dog.

No, he's got to drink a Bobby Lee concoction.

Oh, boy.

Do you hear that? It's a shot glass. A shot glass of whatever I put in there, you just got to drink it.

Shot glass? Six ounces? Six ounces? No, but.

It'll kill them.

The six.

Ounces, what I got in mind will kill him. Okay. All right, shot class. You get a shot of whatever, and then I'm going to make a video of how I made it and what it entails.

We have to drop you off at Kaiser Permanente. You don't get to go to Cedar. Right after that. Yeah, you have to go to Kaiser.

I.

Have the hookup at Cedar, though, because my dad. Too bad. So sad, kiddo. You got to go to Kaiser.

All right, I'll go to Kaiser. I'm going to give you another shot. You're not fired. I'm going to keep on. I really appreciate it. I'm going to keep coming to you to book things, but you drop the ball one time, dude, you will get a shot glass of something just so otherworldly, so grotesque. It'll mess up your body. You guys have no idea. You're thinking calm right now? No. No, no, no. Not my calm. No. I'll tell you that right now. Worse?

Mine. Yeah. All right, well, then you're not fired, so you can come back soon.

Come back soon.

Okay, thanks, guys. Bye, sweetheart. Bye, bye. Bye, babe. Bye. Big mess up. Big freak out, big mess up. But everything's okay now.

Everything's fine. That happened. But I would have missed everyone in this room. Yeah? Yeah, I like my life, too. I like my life.

You're saying you like the way things are, the way you've got them. You don't need outside forces.

I don't think I need anything more than what I have.

That's nice.

I think I have, in fact, I missed some of the things I've had.

You missed me? What? What?

Are you your fucking mind? I see you.

Every fucking day. I didn't think it was me.

You said missed me.

I miss you.

I miss.

You, too. All right. What? Nothing, dude. Chill out. No, dude. Oh, chill out.

Dude, you need to get another dog or something because.

That was weird. I missed you.

Whoa, dude, that's so uncomfortable. You know what?

Truth be told, I miss you, too. I saw a guy today from the back who had long, black hair like you, and I legitimately, I'm driving. I go, Bobby.

You know what? It's so funny?

I missed you.

Today.

I.

Was with somebody and she was like, Did you see the TikTok with Andrew and Nikki Glazier about the Taylor Swift prank? You know what? I don't need to see the TikTok of it. I want to go to YouTube. I'm going to watch the whole video. The whole thing. I watched the whole video, and I was laughing so hard. It was such a dumb prank. During the prank, I stopped laughing and I went, God, I miss him.

Oh, see? My prince.

How long were you gone, Tito Bobby?

None of your fucking business.

Business, bitch. You ungrateful bitch. You keep saying. Fucking asking fucking questions, bitch. None of your fucking business, lady. What the fuck are you talking about? You keep saying you miss him like you've been gone for a year.

It's a thing that happens when you get older. You don't get it, dude. You don't.

Even get it right now, lady. You don't get it.

You're so young.

You're so.

Fucking business, bitch. You don't miss anything, do you? You miss nothing. Three days. Three days? That's a long time.

Yeah. Wei can't clean my house.

Today's Sunday. That's not my fault. Hey, you got to watch your mouth.

Watch your fucking mouth, man. God, I missed you.

I missed you. How long do you take to clean his house? For real?

All.

Day. All day.

How much would you pay somebody to clean.

All day? To clean my whole house all day?

Yeah. It's messy.

Everything is like- My house isn't messy, so it wouldn't be that much. How much would it be to clean your house all day?

There's poop.

Stains everywhere. That's ridiculous. Why do you keep saying that? Because- It goes on the internet. People think I'm a.

Poop man. You are a poop man. But it's in the toilet, you're saying. It's not on the wall. Yeah. It's on the wall. It's on the wall.

It's insane. It's not on the wall.

I had to.

Wipe it. I do art. I'm like, Rook.

Yeah.

He's the boom, man. Hey, I think 80 bucks. 80 bucks.

For the day?

For the day. That's all you should be paying her. I just did the math in my head, $80.

Yeah, so what I'm saying-.

Ten bucks an hour, eight hours. I think that's- Eighty bucks. Let me see what your cleaning hand looks like. Go ahead and do it. No, way too aggressive. You're going to scratch it. No. You're going to scratch the fridge to the mess. Well, if you're.

Fragile, then nothing is going to.

Get rid of you. But what I do, Andrew, is little tricks. She doesn't know. This is not even a lie. What? What do you do? I hide little things to see if she cleans it. She gets all of them. I go, Okay, she's doing a good job. What I do is I'll go to the cat litter and I'll take tiny pieces of poop and just put them in really weird spots. That's why. Yeah, I put them in weird spots. It's on the couch. Yeah, little weird spots in around the house. I go, Let's see if she gets this.

A poop cleaner, you are? Yeah.

You know what, guy? I have EDA. I admit it. That's fine. Guess what? I don't need to be embarrassed anymore because I have Bluetooth.

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Get your Dingle Ball ready for the holidays. Holidays?

I also want to ask.

Go ahead. It's not about poop or nothing about bleeding.

It's not about you.

Right now. Okay, good. Thank you. It's about Andrew.

Very good. Very good. Not about you right now. Okay, so.

During your puberty, boy puberty phase.

You're asking him or me? Both of you. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm going to come back.

What was your first sign of knowing you like.

A girl? Is your boyfriend going through puberty right now? No, me. Oh, you're going through puberty right now. I think you got there.

No, I feel like.

I like girls. I think you do. I think we've said this before, and I think you do. I think you're admitting it a little bit because your boyfriend, you don't like it at all. I don't know, man. What do you mean?

You want to be real?

I want to know your experience.

You want to know what it is? What? I think your generation-.

Everybody's gay.

You guys are accepting a lot of things and pondering, which is fine. I'm okay with it. But you ponder more than we did.

Well, I think it's not a part of culture like it is now when we were kids. Now it's like everyone is like, Am I gay? Look at that.

Well.

Since I did a- Am I gay quiz.

Since I did a by quiz, why don't we do a quiz with her?

All right, here we go. Do am I gay test? Here we go.

Are you ready? Okay. Here we go.

All right, zoom in. Why are you taking this? I usually fantasize or have romantic feelings towards people of my same gender. I sometimes find myself attracted to more than one gender or just for fun.

One?

I usually fantasize about have romantic feelings. Yeah?

Really?

Okay, go back. Two, two. Oh, my God.

No, you can be the answer you want. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's.

Stick to it. No, go back, go back, go back. Go back. Go back.

Go back. Go back. Wait, let her stick to it.

If she says- All right, start now.

All right. Have you ever looked at a person your same gender and felt sexually attracted to them? Yes. All my crushes are my same gender. Sometimes I find myself attracted to you more than- Sometimes. Sometimes.

Okay, sometimes. Go ahead.

How frequently do you have sexual fantasies or dreams about people of your same gender? All of them are about people. Some of the time or all of my fantasies are about a gender other than mine. Dreams. Middle. In your dreams, some of the time, there you are. Okay. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you?

No? No. Wait.

Like my relatives?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not the.

Incest test. Well, it is one and the same. There is something below it that does say you might like a family member. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? Yes.

Just my mom and- Yeah.

Just go back to no.

No, no. It's no. It's no. But no, that says no, and I don't want to.

It doesn't matter. No.

Yes, but I want to kiss people.

Okay, so middle.

Okay.

If your partner offered you a three- Yes. -yes, okay. It'd be exciting. Something to try. There you go. That's pretty big. Do you find yourself romantically interested in people of your same gender? Yes. Is it, I am only romantically interested in people of my same gender? And others. And others, right. Think about the people you have formed the strongest or most intense emotional bonds in your life? These people tend to be the same gender. Same gender. Same gender, okay.

No other gender in that.

When I think about having sex or being romantally involved with someone of another gender, I feel of another gender. Like a boy, uninterested. Yeah, but do it. No, that sounds... She went, That doesn't sound open. When I think about having sex or being romantically involved with someone of my same gender, I feel positive and excited or open or uninterested.

Open to it.

Open. When I watch porn, it includes two people of the same gender.

It's always the same gender.

It's always two girls. Okay. You're gay.

You're gay.

60% gay, 39% bi. Wow.

Yeah, you're gay.

All right, dude. How do you feel?

That.

Doesn't sound gay to me. That sounds pretty straight.

Would your mom be mad?

No, she's fine with it. She's always... I don't know how to say English.

Say it in non-English. Okay. She's always a little bit frustrated, but she'll get through it.

Yeah, that's what that is. Yeah. What if the Bad Friends family set you up with somebody?

No, I don't trust.

No, we're going to get the banger.

What do you mean? You don't trust us to set.

You up with somebody? We got bangers, dude.

No, I want to do it my.

Own way. This is your own way. Yeah.

You're calling out for help, and we're going to help you.

You can't be drowning in the ocean and us throw you a fucking lifesaver and then be like, I don't want it. What are you talking about?

No, just to get one out.

Of the way. We're here to help.

Not a relationship. Just one night, go to a hotel room, see what happens.

What the fuck are.

You talking about?

What do you mean? I'm just saying we're going to put it out there that anybody wants to say anything.

Oh, that's what I meant. Yeah. That's what I meant. What are you talking about?

Bad friends fans out there, if you are a young lady in the ages of 21, your age, 21, what are you? 21 or 22? How old are you?

I'm turning 22.

This week. That's right. 22 this week. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, you idiot. Because we knew it was your birthday, we got you a gift. George, bring it in here. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

What is that?

Thank you, George. Look at that gift we got you.

What is this?

Come on. Don't you know that?

The.

Ding. No, you don't hit it. You make a wish. You blow a wish into it. It's a wish-catcher. There you go. Very good.

I.

Feel like it's a pie pie.

It is a pie pie. It's a pie pie.

That's what pies.

Look like in your mind. If there's a 21-year-old female to 26, 27, right? How old would you go?

Twenty-one to 24.

Okay. What about a milk?

No, I don't think I can handle older ladies.

Yeah, but they're financially secure. They can get you out of that gig.

That's true. But I feel like they're aggressive.

Not all of.

Them are. What do you mean aggressive?

They just know what they want and they.

Will- Exactly. To get it.

I want it to be chill.

Oh, patty cake. Yeah. Is that what that? Is that.

Patty cake? Baker's man.

Yeah. What is this?

Chill. Yeah, that's how you fuck when it's chill. This is chill.

Do you even know some of the positions that women do? Do you? No. What the fuck?

That's what I'm asking. No, I don't. I've never.

Tried it. Wait, I feel like I'm.

Asking- I've never tried it.

You're saying stuff that we know nothing about. What do.

You mean? I thought scissor was a one.

No, nobody does that. No one does scissors? I do that with fancy.

Oh, indeed.

Look at this, a Googling lesbian sex position. How to have lesbian sex. This would be the next step. It would be the next step. Here we go.

What's the first one?

Buy a Subaru? Why does it say that on the list?

I think I can make up sexual moves. For lesbians? Yeah. How about one that they're bent over, but their butts are facing each other, and there's a dildo attaching it?

Yeah, that's great.

What do you.

Think of that?

I like that one. They back up into each other. They go toot, toot.

I got a good one. They're walking down the street, and they're scoffing at white males. Scoffing.

What's a scoff? Oh, shit. I hate scoffs. I've got scoffs all.

My life. You've been getting scoffed at.

That's scoffing. I've done that. Yeah. That seems generic.

Yeah, that seems pretty.

Wait, what's the hand doing?

Rubbing.

I think she's taking the necklace.

Oh, she's robbing her. She's robbing her. A lot of lesbians-.

Because she's holding one of the arms. I don't want that necklace. That's a.

Pretty good one. Well, that's a reason to be a lesbian. You could steal from them. Oh, yeah. You could become a thief. That's so fucking fun. Well, look, any young woman that's out there that's looking to date Rudy, why don't you send an email to Carlosinthebooth@gmail.

Com.

That's Carlosinthebooth@gmail. Com, and the boys will make that. I want to date Rudy. Submit your photo where you live, who you are, and why you want to date Rudy, and we'll maybe get on a date with you.

You do have a tomboy vibe, I think.

Where did that phrase come from? Tom boy. Tom Boy.

I don't know.

Tom. Tom Boy.

Tom Boy. I'm a girl.

No, Tom Boy. I am? Because I like softball? First appeared in the 1500s, meaning wild, ramping girl who acts like a boy. 19th century America being a tomboy has seen as many extremely healthy for girls who are- But they're.

Not all like tomboys aren't all lesbians. I'm sure Rhonda Rowsey was a tomboy.

For sure.

She likes dick.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. There's probably a lot like that.

I watched a video of her yesterday, by the way. It's so weird you say that. What? Popped up about her just she's so fucking strong. She was so fucking strong. So strong. Were you a tomboy when you were a little kid? No.

That's why. I didn't know how to answer that. I was like, I don't think I was. Like, Tom Boy, they're all rugged, right? Yeah. We're overalls. I don't do that. Were you a Tom Boy?

I was a Tom girl.

You're a Tom girl. Okay.

I was born a girl, but I look like a tough guy.

No.

Born a guy, look like a tough girl. Tom Boy. Yeah. We had Tom boys in my neighborhood that could fucking beat everybody at everything. They beat all the boys at everything. They would literally beat all the boys and all the shit. It is fascinating to think about now... What?

What? Well, your eyes went... Cross? Yeah, when you're thinking, your eyes do something cute. That's cute, dude. Yeah, don't be cute, right? Do you want me to scoff at you, dude?

Don't scoff. Oh, no.

Anyway.

Look, we'll get you a date. We'd like to know how the progress goes. But you do if you do get a date, don't you got to break up with your boyfriend?

What if I just ask him I want to go on a date?

Call him up.

He's.

At work. Yeah, call.

Him up. He's at work.

Well, then call Cheesecake Factory. Tell them you need five.

He's at work. No, I don't want to involve. He's a shy guy. We're not doing that.

He's.

Really shy. Yeah, you're the one that's trying to get her to break up with this fucking guy.

No, I like him, actually. I like him a lot.

I have another topic.

Okay.

Go ahead.

When you were a kid, did you have a hard time holding your pee?

The question is- Saving it?

No. When you laugh and you have to hold.

It, did.

You have a hard time.

With that? No, you're saying have I.

Ever-.

Like fifth grades.

-have I fifth.

Sixth grade? -have I ever peed myself? No. Really? No, never have. I've never pissed my pants. Never either. Although at the age that I'm at, which you are older, I know you do you leak sometimes a little bit, don't you? You leak.

Well, I'll tell you what I do.

You leak.

I leak. Okay, here's what I do. I'm leaky, leaky, leaky.

Can I tell you what I do?

I have to spend a little longer peeing.

Yeah.

Because dance isn't over usually. Yeah, a couple more kicks. Even when the music ends, the dance is still going.

Do you ever leak fancy? No. I want to keep it like that. Fucking liar-You're a liar, dude. -you never have a couple of extra drips? No, so far. When you're done peeing and you put it away, you put it back and you sheath it. Yes. You don't have a drip that dropped that comes out?

You know what the drips come out of? His tits.

With your pork tits. George, tell me. You have a drip or two that comes out sometimes. Absolutely.

You shake and then you try to shake again and then you.

Put it in. Sometimes- Then you.

Look down and there's a little wet spot on.

The outside. Thank you, George.

I just washed my hands. We got to get Carlos back there. We really do got to get Carlos back there. What? Let me ask you this.

But he's being real. That is true. Mccone doesn't experience. You're too young yet to have a little dripp-drap.

I haven't dripp.

You will do, and you will leak bad, trust me.

Yeah, I have a hard time holding it.

Wait, have you pissed yourself before?

Yeah, in the fifth grade.

That'll never leave your brain, huh?

Yeah, because it was in front of everyone.

Somebody made you laugh and you pissed yourself.

Yeah. I don't like peeing in public bathrooms, so I had to hold it the whole day. Then when I laughed, it just everything came out.

I.

Lied and said that I had a magic pants.

You had magic pants? Yeah. They believed it? Yeah. Yeah, it's-.

Well, I think they.

Believed it. This is in the Philippines? Yeah. Yeah, they'll believe anything.

Yeah. Are magic pants expensive in the Philippines? Mm-hmm.

Only certain people can get them. Yeah. I have.

Something that happened.

And.

I was only going to bring this.

Up, but- Please do. By the way, I used to hold in my poop. I didn't want to poop at school. I used to wait to poop at home. But then sometimes he'd get home and it'd come out rabbit turs.

I can't say names.

Yeah.

I don't even know if I should even be talking about this.

Come on.

But yesterday I wasdoing it. I know this guy who's a producer.

He's.

A guy I've known for a very long time, probably 30 years.

Okay. Okay.

Trying to put it together. We're doing a business call about a project. I go, Okay, man, I'll see you later, ugly. He goes, Okay, man. All right, stay ugly, I said. He goes, Okay, dude. I go, don't look at any mirrors. You're going to crack them. I hung up, right?

You said that three times. Three times? Jesus Christ. Could have done it once.

Itry. I know. And late at night, 1:00 in the morning, the dude texted me. He said, You know what, dude? Fuck you. He texted me. What? Basically, he goes, I've known you for 30 years, dude, and you fucking been saying that for three years. You know what? Dude, I'm not ugly. I got it. He goes, I'm not ugly. And dude, I'm not a fucking 22-year-old fucking doormat at the store where you can talk to like that dude.

Benji of Flallow.

No, he's not producer. He goes, I'm I got a family and people think I'm good looking. He goes, Fuck you. I'm the side of the bed reading this thing. Laughing. Not laughing, just going, I.

Scoffed at it. You scoffed.

But then I texted him back like, You know what? I'm so sorry. I go overboard. I apologize.

You're just kidding.

I know. But then as hours went by, I was laying in bed just mad that.

I texted him back. You shouldn't have done it.

You don't think? What was.

Your play? You should have let it sit.

You called me ugly. I sent you a fucking text going, don't call me. Don't do that anymore. I don't respond. You don't respond. Then what happened?

Because you sit with it until we see each other again.

Which could be.

Six months. Hilarious. Then it's sitting in your fucking brain? Right. It's like if you're that insecure, you know I'm kidding. If I've known you for 20 fucking years, you don't know that I'm kidding around?

Yeah. Grow up. I'll tell you exactly what I said.

It's so funny.

I don't know why, after all these years, you talked so much shit to me, calling me ugly and all kinds of stupid shit. I always show respect to you.

I.

Am not some fuckhead, 22-year-old door guy who enjoys being ridiculed. This is a 50-year-old man.

A friend of yours.

A friend of mine. Mine is, I'm so sorry, his name. I was just kidding, but sometimes I just go overboard. I'll never do it again. I make fun of people I love, and I love you.

Sorry. Yeah, you're mean to me. Yeah. Then did he say anything else? Yes. I want to know what did he say. I mean, we.

Have- All right. He goes, All good, dude. I always take it as good nature. It pissed me off some reason today. I love you, too. Thanks for the note.

He's just fucking having a bad day.

Yeah, okay. But dude, the response back, I sat on it.

You didn't want to send it.

I'm never going to send it again. I think you're right.

I think it would have been more fun just to fuck around. Yeah.

But here's the broader picture, the question I have for you. You and I are not normal, right? Correct. We talk to certain people thinking, because we're around comics a lot and they can handle all kinds.

Of shit. We always say.

Weird shit. But then you go to Pep Boys or any out there and then you act the same. Then you realize that people don't necessarily don't know you and they don't really know that sense of humor. Sometimes I've had other people have to say to other people like, Oh, he's a comic. He doesn't mean that or whatever. It's like, do you have to edit yourself when you're out in the wild?

Yeah, I'm usually, yeah, you have to be more reserved because I don't know if people are going to get it if we're fucking around. Sometimes I will fuck around. She'll be like, What are you doing? Oh, really? Yeah. Because I'm like, I.

Just thought I.

Would- Your wife says that. -just kidding. I'm just.

Fucking kidding. But people don't get it.

Sometimes she'll be like, Why would you say that?

I know.

I've always been fucking around.

Do I say something? Do I offend you ever?

The first time we met, Atikalailah had to tell us like, Oh, you can't take anything you say seriously.

Yeah.

Because the first time in a while, you said so many shocking things that I was like...

Give me an example of something I would say.

I don't know. My face and my ear or monkey, something.

Yeah, monkey. I mean.

That's what? What? No, I do believe that. That sounds.

Pretty- Your face and your ear, your monkey. What the.

Fuck are you talking about? Why would I say that? I know. No one has said that to me.

But you for the first time that I met you and then at.

The class. That's the first thing I said out of my mom. Your face, your ears, you look like a monkey.

Yeah. I bet you went, Look at your face. Look at your ears. You fucking monkey. I bet that's what you said. Look at you.

Remember Issa cried?

Okay, her.

Sister cried. Would you call her a monkey?

What do I call her?

I forgot, but I feel like you called her like a pussy.

Doordash. Oh, my God. I love DoorDash. You know, guys, I literally don't go out to eat. I get everything delivered at my house, DoorDash. I get donuts, I get Italian food, I get sushi, I get everything from DoorDash. Sometimes I get batteries because sometimes my Xbox controller needs batteries and I go to DoorDash, they bring the batteries and I can.

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Dr. Squatch. I'm going to say something. Even before they were our pals here advertising for us. I've been using Dr. Squatch for years. It literally is the only soap I use.

I love it because it's high-performance, natural product. It's 98% natural and there's no harmful ingredients and you want to look and feel and smell so good. Dr. Squatch is delicious.

What I love about it is sometimes you go and you go to a pharmacy and you get a standard soap that smells weird. I like Dr. Squatch because its smells like a man.

Yeah, it's not an old-.

A pine tar soap.

I'm a man. Pine tar.

It's an old- Fresh, false soap. I'm in the woods, dude. Wood-barrel bourbon soap. That's like I was in a barren.

Wood-barrel bourbon. Wood-barrel bourbon. Dr. Squatch is wonderful and delicious. So many good smells and it does feel so good. Knowing that it is very natural makes me feel good, so my skin isn't getting a bunch of nonsense on it. Right now, Dr. Squatch is offering our listeners a huge savings. All new customers will get three free bar soaps plus free shipping with any purchase of three bars. Just go to dr. Squatch. Com/badfriends to receive this buy three get three offer.

Well, that's dr. Squatch, D-R-S-Q-U-A-T-C-H. Com/bad friends to buy three soaps and get.

Three free. Pretty incredible. It's time to get all the daily routine essentials you'll need to start feeling good and smelling like a man today. People have to know that you don't mean it.

But you're- I don't mean any of it. I love everyone.

Not everyone.

Most people. No, most people I love. If I'm going to say that to somebody, it's out of love.

Because.

You don't think I know what I look like?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you mean? You know what.

I look like? What do you look like? I know what I look like.

What? I look like fucking.

Bloated corn.

Bloated.

Corn? Yeah. Do you ever see baked Mexican corn?

Yeah, I love.

Mexican corn. Don't you love it where they put the little stuff on it, right? Sometimes they cook it way too much.

One.

Of the colonels is... Yeah, that's exactly who I look like. That's me.

That looks yummy.

I know, it's delicious.

I get it, but I look-.

You know what a gord? You know like a gord?

Yeah.

You have gord.

What?

A little bit of gord. I have a gord. Yeah, there it is. Go down. G-o-u-r-d. That's gordy.

Yeah, I'm a gord. That's-that's you and me.

-that's you and me combined. -that's our baby, dude.

-that's our baby. I have a gord baby. My point is that I know what I look like, and people rip me to parts. They rip me to shreds. You don't think I go to New York and the first thing out of comics mouth is just rip, rip, rip? Yeah. Right? I deserve it. I know I look like this.

But when it's not comics, people don't know. Yeah, maybe. That's the thing. But trust me, I get it. As mean as we are to George, he deserves it, but he gets it.

But he's had to learn.

He's had to learn.

There was moments. Yeah, in the beginning, no, you've had to learn. You were sensitive before. When? When I first met you at Baker? Oh, come on. Oh, yeah, I did.

You were sensitive.

Whoa, George. Let's get this out of the air. I like this. I like this.

George, you better.

Buck up. Yeah, how was I sensitive? I looked at my clock or my watch once when you walked in and you flipped out. You were like, I can show up 15 minutes late.

It's my shoot. Hey, Bob, this guy's built for a podcast. I can see why you work with him. He's not sensitive.

That's not me being sensitive, dude. I'm like, I could do what I want.

That's.

Right. You were being a bitch and you're like, 15 minutes late. First of all, Baker Studio is way the fuck out of nowhere. Remember it was the middle of North Century City?

Colvers City. I drive there every day. Just because you're in a suit doesn't mean you catch a tone with us fucking attorney. Did you wear a suit for the show to.

Look- No, he always has. He's been wearing that.

Every day. You've been wearing suits now? Oh, yeah. You're a suit guy? Yeah. It is funny to watch someone make the transition from regular guy to suit guy.

Yeah.

That's a big thing. In the comedy world, too, when comics just become suit comics, it's a thing.

You want. I remember Steve Bern did.

Steve Bern became a suit guy.

Ryan Stout. Coughed right in his face.

Remember Ryan Stout? Oh, yeah. Yeah, suit guy.

Rick Ingram.

Ingram, Rick.

There's nothing wrong- Only when he opens up for Chris Rock, and Chris makes him do it.

But there's nothing wrong with it. I'm just saying you see it happen. It's interesting to watch your friends become suit guys. You look good. I'm not bothered by it, but you're a suit guy now. The only issue I have with this suit is that the footwear should be a popping highlight, and those shoes are fucking ridiculous. Take one-off and put it up to the camera so they see what you're wearing. Come on. Come on, baby boy. No. Show it off. Show those pretty little feet.

Also, the suit you where is more Liberachi.

Well, he's a little bit Liberachi, isn't he?

It's a little too like I like it when it's more basic. No, you got to dress 49% gay because.

The gays are in that fashion. 49% gay.

Without being.

False advertising.

Interesting. Interesting. I never read that before.

What % gay do we dress?

Bobby is at 51. No, look at that. That's a 10% gay.

Fancy. You're going to get fucking… You're ass beat, buddy. Oh, my God. What did you say, man? What did you say, bud? You look good.

You look good.

Is what I meant. Run in his mouth.

You're 10,000% gay, then.

I like that. I heard to The grapevine, did you see Killers of the flower moon?

No, it's a gun.

I haven't seen it yet, but I just heard to the grapevine that Scorsese got mad because he caught wind that they were doing intermissions at certain places. Because you know it's a three-hour movie? Yeah. Three and a half. 3:20, yeah. Apparently, people were doing their own... Intermission? Intermission. Yeah, and he heard about it to the grapevine and was fucking livid about it. But it is a long-ass movie. That's a long movie.

I'd be mad because when do they do the intermission? He should be able to choose when.

Okay, intermission violations, apple, paramount crackdown on a handful of theaters breaking the agreement. I got to tell you.

Though.

I need to piss. Three and a half hours, can I piss? Let me piss.

You can't drink anything.

Or- Yeah, you can't drink or eat. By the way, unless you piss the moment you've got to the theater, three and a half hours, you probably need to leave because you've been eating and drinking while you've been there. You think it's a violation? You think you got to sit through it?

No, I think that they should call Scorsese and have them go, When do you think the.

Right part? He says no. No, they made an agreement. He made them sign a contract saying you will not make an intermission. Theaters were like, Fuck off. They did it anyway.

Okay.

I mean, Scorsese wouldn't let you take a break. No chance.

When's the last time I did a movie where there was an intermission, though?

I.

Don't remember. Ben Her?

Ben Her? Yeah. That was fucking what?

Yeah, Ben Her. I think Gandhi had one. There's another movie I saw, I think, was once upon a Time in America or one of those - I.

Haven't done a break in a film, and I can't remember. The Hateful late.

I think, had one. Did it? I think so.

Not sure. I don't remember taking a break.

I don't think it did.

But I don't know. I feel like I get it. The theater is like, people like it. People want a break.

Only the 70 millimeter did.

70 millimeter road show had a break in the hateful late.

Because it was longer.

But see, her generation, would you sit through a three and a half hour movie in the theater? Do your friends like that stuff?

What's the last movie you saw at three and a half hours?

Avengers.

That's not three and a half. Is it three and a half hours? Yeah. It was. Was it? They didn't have an intermission?

They didn't.

Have one, no. Action movies aren't going to have intermission.

But you can go anytime. You're not going to be able to miss anything.

You're not going to miss anything. No, you could just leave.

Yeah. Oh, Hulk is still fucking shit up.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Paul Rudd's in this? That's what you say when you come back from the bathroom. Ant-man might be one of the weirdest franchises I think I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, no dis, but also what is that? That's such a strange... It's such a strange thing. Yeah, I know. No intermission.

Like, Ant-Man is one of those movies where I was like, Oh, I can get in that.

I'm surprised you didn't get Ant-Man. You are Ant-Man, for sure. That is you 100%.

Ken Jon got a little part in The Avengers and the.

Ant-man part. Did he really? Yeah. At the very beginning. Do you think we'll ever be in Marvel? Ever?

You could be in- What, man? I don't remember that.

He's playing, that's you. I know. He's playing Bobby Lee. They literally were like, Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

That's offensive.

Yeah.

It's okay. Do you ever talk to Ken? Yeah. You still do?

Yeah.

Do you ever say stuff like that should have been me?

Because it sounds weird.

Hey.

Man, how's the family? That should have been me. What, man?

No, I just saw it. Nothing just should have been me. It was literally me. It looked like me.

It's so funny. These movies, I don't even know how people get them. Why? Because people go, Well, I know other actors like, Yeah, I track movies. Then when they start casting, I get in the process. I tried that with the Chinese one. Chang?

No, the-Hidden Dragon.

Crazy Rich Asians. Crazy Rich Asians. I followed that along, the trades. I go, Okay, this is the casting, right? I called my agent, I go, Just tell them.

I'm interested. But they're mostly Chinese.

I know. They're like, They're not interested, dude.

Because you're Korean.

Well, that's what they said. But then they put Ken in there.

Yeah. You know what I mean? He's Chinese passing, though.

Then Shanghai, I did it, and they were like, Really good. But you're not going to ever get that. No. They gave it to Ronnie.

Ronnie Chang is great.

I know. That's what I'm saying. You try, you read for it, and you put in the tape, and they're just like, No. Then you're like, Okay, I tried.

Yeah, but that's going to happen.

Yeah. Have you gotten one of those?

Well, they're not making a lot of Howdy Doody movies. What the fuck am I doing? I don't.

Want to talk about show business and my frailty. We do that all the time. I'm blessed with what I have.

That's right.

I got stuff, too, man. Who gives a fuck, man. You do. Yeah. You know what? Dude, it's not even for me, dude. I'll tell you something, pal. You know what I realized when I've been on the streets, pal? We're like snake oil salesman.

You and I? Yeah. Yeah, this show, we're selling snake.

No, what I'm saying is we go door to door and we go, Hey, we're not in the part of this big machine.

They won't let us in the big box store.

Right. We go door to door and we sell it that way. You know what, dude? It's so funny because these other ones that are... They get the green light from Hollywood. They're trying to do what.

We're doing. Two bears. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like not two bears, but you don't understand. It's like, no, we're doing it.

The way- Old school.

Not just old school. I think the right way to do it. It's the most authentic way to do it. This is me by me. A lot of people hate me, but a lot of people are like, I love that.

People don't hate you.

I know.

People hate those guys. I mean, this guy probably the most. I will give you some props for shaving your head. I do think that's an incredible move on your part. I mean, balls. What are you going to do now? What's the rest of the haircut going to be?

I'm going to wait for it to… I'm just going to be weird for a few months. I get to be like Carlos, undercover. Because Carlos, being bald, he's like an undercover person with hair. Whenever he puts his hat on, no one knows.

But you're going to shave.

All of it. I'm going to do it like keep it like this for a while, and then I'm.

Going to mullet it. I want no hair.

You want it all?

I think the mullet is rad.

I'm going to do the mullet. Once it grows out and levels, I'm going to do the sides.

He still gets more girls than me. It's great. Good job.

You should have.

That's not true. Yeah, it is. I've been watching you do that. You know what? I accept it. You're the young guy in the factory. My hat's off.

To you, dude. New blood.

I don't know. I fumbled the bag, though, a lot. What? I fumbled.

The bag, though, a lot. I fumbled all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of bags fumbled, my friend.

Did I ever tell you my Pete Davidson story?

I don't want to hear it.

I used to fuck Pete Davidson.

Yeah, I.

Don't want to hear it. Then I fumbled the bag.

What happened with Pete Davidson?

Well, no. This was right when I moved out to L. A, I was 22. I was at a bar and this older woman started to talk. She was like 30. She started flirting with me and she was like, You give me a real Pete Davidson vibe. I really like that. I think that's really cool. I was like, Okay, cool. Then as we were drinking through the night, we started making out in the bar and I was like, I should lean into this Pete Davidson thing. What do I know about Pete Davidson? We're making out. Then I whisper in her ear, My dad died in 9/11. It didn't go well. As I was saying it, I.

Was like, Dude, my hat's off to.

You, dude.

That's so funny.

She didn't like that. It's so funny, though. As I was saying it, I was like, This is a pretty bad bomb if it bombs.

Because- Because nowhere in my mind would I think that this would be a good move.

I think that's so funny. If I.

Was a girl- I'm making out with her, I'm like.

My dad died in 9/11. You know what would have been boss on her part if she was like, Witchtower.

Yeah. No, she just said, Did he really? I was like, Oh, no, I was just leaning to Pete Davis. She's like, Yeah, I'm a little older than you and I'm from New York. I know.

What? That's insane. I love it. She was being real.

I love it.

Did you ask her if she lost anybody in 9/11?

Yeah. Then she said, Well, no, but we knew of people. I was.

Like, Okay. Can I finger you still? How uncomfortable with that. That would have been so awkward. Damn, dude. Good move. That's a pretty good move. It's not even a Pete Davidson story. That's a you not getting pussy from being a weirdo story.

It's the anti Pete.

Davidson story. But lean in, dude. But I.

Don't know, Carlos honestly is the most successful with women. So maybe this will.

Help in a weird way. Maybe you'll start to land a little bit more. Yeah.

After it's gone, I was so nervous for the past two days. I was like, I have to just do it. After I did it, it's freeing.

Are you going to walk around like this?

Every now and again. I do get ashamed.

Why? It looks cool. It does look cool. Thanks, Bruce. See, it does look... And she's hip, she's young, she gets it?

Well, I was walking with my friends that cut my hair, Tristan and Chloe. We were walking afterwards. Then they loved, they were just like, Take your hat off again. We were in public. I felt like a piece of meat a little bit. Now I know what Carlos feels like constantly.

Peace of meat.

It brings me back to when we're in San Diego and we're at that bar. Remember that bar? No. On the street? On the street, right. And the girl walks up to me and she goes, She didn't know who I was. I felt like this kid over here, dude. She goes, I think you're cute. I was like, Me? What? And she started making out with me. She goes, I want to come to your hotel room tonight. I gave her my number. Cut to eight hours later, I'm by the door in my hotel staring at my phone. It's like the sun's out now. I go, I don't think she's calling.

Why not? Why do you think she didn't? You think she said that to a lot of guys that night? I think so. Yeah. I think so. She was just shooting her shot. I think I got fucked.

Oh, wait, I remember that. I was so 50 years old. I'm like, I'm never going to do this again.

Why? Wait up all night. You didn't want.

To wait all night. To wait and stare at a phone like a fucking psychopath? Then my... Because my mom will text me at 3:00 in the morning, I Robb you. One time I was like, Oh, fuck, it's my mom. Fuck. But it was like, Yeah. I think about you, I had another friend that was able to just walk into a bar and women would just make out with them.

Who?

His name was Kylisa. I've talked to him about it before. You're like that you remind me of him. Congratulations, man. My hat's off to you. I hope you direct a movie one day.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Have you ever hooked up in a bar?

No. Honestly, I say shit like that. I'm not very successful in like-.

Have you hooked up in a bar or in a public place?

Well, I hit a girl's vagina on the stairway right below Missy's office.

That's public. Pretty out of public. In the stairwell? Yeah. In that creepy little weird stairwell? Yeah. It's like a haunted house. I know. You were like. Yeah, yeah. It's like a side, literally, people that don't know the back of Mitzy, the old office. It's so creepy. It's so creepy. There's no lights. It's like this haunted little stairwell that goes to three different places. It's so fucking creepy. Yeah. What? You brought her back there and you were like, Hey, let's.

Go upstairs. I got her pants down, and I went to the bottom of the stairs and I crawled over like the exorcist. She was like. You start throwing up everywhere. In fact, I've had a lot of weird hookups up there.

In the comedy store?

Oh, yeah. The belly room, especially. Not the belly room. Yeah, the belly room green room a couple of times.

Oh, yeah. Wait, but people can.

Come- I know. There's two doors that people can come in. There's a lot of looking.

Moving her head to block it. Yeah, I get that. Have you ever been hooked up in public? No. No, good. Don't ever do it. Don't ever do it. I won't.

I broke a girl's heart once there in the belly room.

Go on.

I don't know if I should share it, but I feel bad about it. Well. I met her in a town.

Love meeting people in town. One of my favorite places to meet people.

It was a small town, and I was opening for Polly.

I.

Used to crush.

You still do?

I know, but back then- Just different. -different crush. I met her and she's like, I'm going to come out to L. A, she does. Then I had a La Jolla gig. Back in then when you played La Jolla, you would stay at the condo with two or three other comics.

Sometimes six.

Other comics. I'd go, Stay with me.

In the condo?

Yeah, she stayed at the condo all weekend, right? But she brought her guitar. She did. Yeah, and late at night, she would go, I'm with comics. I think it was Jeff Richards, Kelly Kirsten. She would just bust out a guitar and start singing her songs. Were they good? No. They had a bit of heaven and sun.

My little Asian boy.

They would like, everyone in the room, their eyes would draw. Then one day, it was a Sunday. I feel so bad. I don't know if I should share this. Did I tell you about this Dingleberry? What happened? I've told you about this Dingleberry. Yeah. I'm having sex with her from behind.

I smoke poop. Yeah, I remember this.

She goes, and I lifted my two thumbs.

Separated her fun.

There was little hair sticking out of her butthole. There was a little piece of pool. Hi. Exactly that. If it had a fucking that was dead on dead. Hi. Bobby? Yeah. I'm from a small town. And my boss plays the guitar. She's a singer-songwriter.

She's struggling. It's so funny. A piece of pool saying, I'm from a small town. Yeah. I'm from a.

Small town. Right. In my mind, I'm like, What the fuck? Then she says, I just had a vision. While I'm behind her, she goes, I had a vision that we had a house and two kids and a white picket fence. I said, I had a vision that we went to CVS and got toilet paper right now.

She was mortified.

I never said that. What did you say? The second part I didn't say. She said the fucking small picket fence. In my mind when I said it.

Yeah, but you never.

Talked to her again? No, I flicked it. Then I dissed her.

You just never talk. I don't.

Feel that. I felt so bad about it.

Well, if you're out there, Ms. Dingleberry, wherever you are, we hope you're doing well in your small town.

Was she White?

They're always white.

They're always white from a small town. Come on, dude. Black women wipe their buttholes.

Was she white?

Yeah. Do you wipe your butthole?

No. What the fuck are you talking about? Of course, he does.

Wash it?

Yes. I have one of those wall things in my shower, and I just open up. Very clean.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, because this episode is going to come out right before Thanksgiving.

I'm going to get your house, right?

What?

Yeah, we're all.

Going to be at.

Wait, say it again. I'm going to your parents' house?

Yeah, everyone's going to go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving.

I can't wait.

It's going to be- Hot roast? -me, you, and you're not going to be there. I'm picking you.

Guys up from the airport. You are? I'm driving from Minnesota that morning to pick you guys up.

At 2:00. But can you not go to Thanksgiving?

What if you just drop us off at my mom's house and you leave? Is that fine?

That's what I was going to do. We'll give you money to go to a steakhouse. You could go wherever you want. I can't do Thanksgiving with you.

Steak house? No. We'll give you a couple of bucks. You can go to McDonald's.

I'll go to Wiener Circle.

How funny. What if we make him sleep in his car outside of my mom's house?

Who's going to be there?

The crew, me, you, him.

Everyone but Stacy.

Yeah, Stacey is going to be already in Milwaukee. So me, you, juice, him, and Carlos. Carlos, if you let him in.

I don't have to stay at your parents' house, right? We're not staying at my parents' house. We're not staying.

At my parents' house. Well, surprise. Don't want to. You're staying at my mom's house. These guys got a hotel. We didn't get you one.

You know what? I like recording field noises, and I want to field what creatures do at night.

White people?

You're your mom. Yeah. It's scary creatures like a field recording. You know what I mean?

Yeah, we're going to have anti... It's anti Thanksgiving Thanksgiving. We don't do Thanksgiving. We're going to have fucking….

I can't wait. Yeah, we're going to have- You don't even… See, here's the deal. You don't know this version of me.

What? Meet my mom?

No, you don't know the family. I'm a family man, dude. When it comes to going to people's houses and being in those environments, I play a role and I play the family man. Same thing. No, I don't. I'm not inappropriate. Are you going to dress up? You should dress up. I'm going to wear a nice shirt. I'm going to be, Thank you so much for the turkey basket. Thank you. Very nice. I'm going to use the right utensils. I'm going to put the little handkerchief in.

A napkin? Whatever. Why do you have a.

Handkerchief on you? I have my own handkerchief. Oh, you do? Yeah, for dinners. Okay. Right, put that in. I'm going to also add the end of the meal. Do you need help?

You never do that.

Not in your fucking... In this family you watch.

When he comes to a White House, it.

All changed. I'm going to bring the plates to the thing. I'm going to wash it off. No way. I swear to God.

You know what I'm going to make you do? What? I'm going to make you say a prayer before the dinner. Dude, I have- I'm going to go, Mom, Bobby loves to say grace. You want to hear it? Yeah, let's hear it right now. Prep.

Well, first I would make an announcement. Ladies and gentlemen and everyone here at their dinner, let's be grateful for what we have. It's Thanksgiving. And may I do prayer? Oh, please. May I? Please. Can we all hold hands? Please. So we hold hands. Dear heavenly Father, Lord and savior, God, grace, heavens be. Together we are and together we be in the future and in the past, in the moment. But most importantly, we have each other. And we're grateful for the land, the sea, the oxygen, the land that we stand on, the earth that we work. We work on the earth. We do. Yes, and we grind. But we get pleasure out of success. By the end of the night, when the sun goes down, we get to be with each other once again and to scurry.

We scurry.

Whimsically through the fields in our mind. But we're still in our home. That's right. Developing all these glorious moments. Lord, thank you. Amen and take care. Good night.

You're leaving.

I leave.

You don't want.

To eat? No, I do a salute. No, dude, I do a salute, right? I vanish. Smoke bombs. I put through a smoke bomb and I'm gone, dude.

Then you're gone, and we're like- People just.

Get so confused.

About it. When you leave, we're like, There's rice everywhere. What the.

Fuck happened? Yeah, I live my own white rice. You do a prayer.

Lord Jesus.

Amen. I closed it.

Out with you. I want to thank you. I want to thank you for the power that you've instilled in this Anglo-Saxon family. Mayflower material. Thank you for letting us come together and bond with one of our Asian-Aaron, a man of the Oriant who brought no spice, no rug, no rice, but love.

God bless. I'm sweating, by the way. Just watch. I'm sweating.

We love him even though he is our enemy. In the name we pray. Jesus, keep him safe. Keep him short and keep him round. Amen.

Amen. Will you please do that?

Yeah. Fuck. Are you.

Kidding me? I improvise mine? Will you write mine down? Yeah. I thought it was good. Yeah, it was really good. Please write it down because I'm going to say that word for word.

Will you print it out, McCone, so he can hand it out to everybody at the day. Yeah, I.

Need to hand it out to everybody.

They can read it.

I thought the stuff of scurrying was great.

Really good. You got anything else, kiddo?

No.

Tell the people goodbye.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

What? This is so much. It reminds.

You of the whole company.

Shit. I don't think that's the thing.