You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something.

We're bad friends.

So anyway, let's start with. Start with love.

Well, let her start the show. Go ahead, Rudy, start the show.

Hello, everyone. Comusta. Hi.

Yeah, talk to the audience.

How are you guys? I'm Jules or Rudy or whatever you want to call me. And this is Tito Bobby. This is Tito Andrew. And over there we have Carlos, Andres and Miko.

They know what the. They know the show.

What we want is go into some of our biography. So just where he was born and family and then me, too.

Okay, we'll start with Tito Andrew. Tito Andrew is from Irish Ireland.

Yes, yes.

He's 38 years old.

Sure, sure.

They moved to the US when he was eight years old. What city in Ireland?

Yeah, yeah.

What city?

Where are my family from in Ireland?

Chicago.

Chicago. Ireland. That's right.

Chicago island. Yeah, where the bear is.

Yeah, where the bear is.

The bear is.

Yes.

The football team.

No, she's talking about my mom.

Oh, wait, Andres, congrats on Espanya.

No, boo, I don't want to eat.

We're not doing.

We're not doing that.

Yeah. Let's go back to the biography.

Tito Andrew has a cute dog.

He does.

He has.

What's the name?

Name is.

You got it.

Name is curly tops.

Curly tops.

Curly tops.

I love curly tops.

Okay, let's go over to Tito Bobby. Tito Bobby is from North Korea.

Yes, that's true.

Obviously.

And he moved to the US when he was ten years old. Oh, eleven years old.

Eleven years old.

With his brother and his ab.

Say it.

Abusive father.

Abusive father.

I like the fist.

Yeah.

And then he got famous over a video where he got down syndrome boy.

That's right. That's right. That's right. You think?

That's where I think.

Isn't that funny? That is how he got famous.

Well, that's what TikTok or tick tock. Yeah, TikTok.

That is true.

They should call TikTok facts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The facts channel or whatever.

Tic fax. Yeah, quick facts on tic fax. How about Carlos? Where is he from?

Ooh, Mexico.

Mexico. What city in Mexico? Do you know?

Mexico City.

Mexico City, Mexico.

Yeah. And I don't know how he's that.

White, but, yeah, whitewashing. You know what Michael Jackson did at the end. That's what he's been doing. He's been bleaching his skin, which is not. Okay, we can say it. This podcast will come out significantly afterwards. But congratulations to Espana in the Euro cup. One of the. It was kind of. It pissed me off. It really pissed me off so much.

British to win that way. I did.

Because more than Spain, the sixties. Yeah.

You guys always win.

Everybody wanted England to win that game.

Yeah.

This. Spain wanted England to win. It's been 50 years.

I'm gonna say this just terms of players. I think England has the best players right now. Yeah.

Obviously not.

And don't give us a Spain flag emoji. And we won Wimbledon, too.

That is true.

That's true.

That is even more heartbreaking. What's going on over there? What's up with these spanish players really showing up? I think we always.

There.

No.

Let me ask you something. When you guys went to Africa and stole all those black people.

Yeah.

And you're putting them on the ship. No, it was. You guys. You guys invented that. Am I not right?

100%. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, why did you push them in the middle of the ocean if they were a little sick or whatever?

What was that for?

What was that all about? Testing. You're testing?

Yeah.

Oh, so you thought you heard a stereotype. Exactly. Right. And you were like, maybe it's wrong.

Well, was there. Was there a control to your experiment? You had to have a control.

Yeah.

Can Spaniards swim?

Most of them. Yeah. I've never seen a Spanish.

Don't forget the Filipinos.

Whoa. They went, oh, yeah, that's right. Spain went to. Yeah. What's up with the colonizing, dude?

Yeah. What happened down there? You know what's so funny? That should be that country's slogan. Don't forget the Filipinos. Don't forget. What did you see at Senespia last night, McCone?

I saw midsummer.

So great.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen a movie in that? We talked about this on the show. Have you ever seen a movie in the cemetery in the summer?

No.

Oh, my God. It's the best.

I bombed there once at a show.

You did that live show there?

Yeah.

Oh, I said, no way.

And I bumped so bad, I was like, I can never come back to the cemetery.

You died as hard as those that are.

Yeah, yeah, I think, yeah.

It's one of the coolest venues.

That's it.

Yeah. It's one of these pieces of LA that people don't know unless you're a local. And it's beautiful. It's great. And you gather around. I watched kill Bill one and two last time I was there.

You know what? Let's watch a movie there. What's what's next?

Well, let's see. Bring up the calendar. Oh, there you go. There you go. Empire records, bridesmaids, true romance. La bamba, the night, the nightmare before. Yeah, there's six left.

Yeah, I would do true. Go up a little bit more.

No, let's go see la bomba.

Dude, La Bomba's great.

It's so good.

I had a dream, too, Richie. That's the only line I remember.

Hey, so say. Let me hear you say that.

Have you heard of Richard Valis?

You are. Tony.

You never heard that song before? It's not like that.

It's para bailar la bamba. Don't fucking correct us. If you correct the host again.

I don't know. I can't continue.

You stepped on.

I can't continue. I can't continue.

Five times you talking shit. When Bobby walked in, I thought they.

Were just going bad, I guess.

Well, look, they're saying something, but who gives a shit?

So. Para bayelar la bamba and how awful does that sound? Para bayelar la bamba tita una poca de gracia say it the way that you know it. What?

Say it the way you know it.

I was just doing it.

No, the way you know it. Better song.

Yeah, it's more familiar.

Creating a panga. Right, right. What do you think?

Pala bala pala bam bam da ne pata que gracias that's it.

That's a better version.

Yeah. I wanna buy that record.

Yeah. Or what about this classic? Ooh, Donna. Oh.

What fucking song is that? I don't know what that is.

Yeah. That's a fucking Richie fallen song. Oh, I do the o really long.

It's way longer.

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Oh, Donna. It's such a great song. It's a white girl, Donna. And their love wasn't permitted because of racial tensions.

And that's what's gross about this country, man. And we're changing it one step at a time.

Yeah, yeah.

One step at a time. We're trying.

Oh, Donna, have you heard that song?

No.

No, she doesn't.

I'll tell. I had a girl Donna was her name dun dun dun dun since she left me, I've never been the same dun dun dun. Cause I love. Yeah, whatever.

You got it.

Yeah. Yeah. But you guess what? You know how he died?

How?

Guess.

Tragedy.

Guess. Guess. The tragedy how he died.

Like you're psychic. We know you're gonna get it right the first time.

Like. Like who's that rock star? The fate. Elvis Presley.

That's right.

He died on a toilet.

Yeah.

Yeah. Cause he was too constipated that way.

Same.

Wait, wait. You're saying that many, many years before Elvis died, right? So Elvis is a hack.

He stole it.

He stole the death. Yeah.

I wanna die. I'm gonna die on a toilet. Somebody gave me a peanut butter sandwich.

Wow.

I wanna die on a toilet.

Incredible.

Richie Vallon's died on a toilet.

It was a tragedy because it's awful. Not only did it, took three huge acts.

Yeah.

That's like Radiohead, Billie Eilish. Back then.

Taylor Swift.

And Taylor Swift dying in on one plane, crashed. Imagine the tragedy.

Crazy.

Crazy. Was it the big bopper? Big bopper, yeah. And you got it. The guy with the glasses.

You got it. Come on. Fuck.

What's his name? The guy with glasses. Give me the first name.

No.

Give me the first initial. Be Benny Hooligan.

No.

What? No, give me the last initial.

Z.

That's not that. I don't think it's b either. You fucking liar. What is it? The song is.

It's bh. I just said that the second.

The song is like, it's bh. Every day.

I gave him the hit twice.

Going down a roller coaster.

Come on, love.

Like that. We'll take Buddy Holly.

There it is. Buddy Holly.

I got it, I got it. Buddy Holly. But so big Bopper. Richie Valens and Buddy Holly died in one plane. And back then they were like, huge.

Spirit Airlines.

It was spirit Airlines. Yeah.

Even back then it wasn't bad.

It wasn't good. Yeah.

Allegiant, maybe.

Allegiant, yeah.

Crazy. Well, speaking of dead celebrities, and thank God we didn't call them out, because sometimes we call people dead on the show. Richard Simmons died and right after Shelley Duvall died. Like, back to back?

No, Shannon Doherty died, what, today? Not last night.

Or.

Wait.

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Yeah, it's been a bad. So you got three, though, yesterday, right?

She's your age this week.

I know. 53.

God, that's awful. Dude, what is going on?

What do you mean?

Richard Simmons.

I know.

He died. Cancer as well. I guess we're all gonna get it. And you just gotta hope it's an easy one or one that doesn't hurt a lot.

And with the butthole kind.

You're working on it?

Yeah.

Your diet, you know.

Yeah. I met him once.

My dad had prostate cancer, which is good because you beat it if you find it quick.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah. He was a lovely man.

Skin cancer. Oh, he had skin cancer.

Yeah. Well, you know, he's. He has that skin. You know, he's played out in the sun too much, I think.

He played in the sun is such a funny way to say that.

What do you mean?

He's playing out in the sun, too. Like nine year old doing all that in the sun and dancing in the sun.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not good for the skin. It can't be.

Well, it depends on who you are.

Yeah, but he was white.

If you're white.

Yeah. Whites were not white.

All right? You know, fucking. She's a filipino bastard, okay.

No, she's right. We're not. We're not supposed to be in the sun. We're supposed to be inside and you're supposed to be outside in the fields. I get it. Back out there.

No, but.

No.

What?

A bad, awful was a bad awful. Darker skinned people are less. What did you just bring up? Are less likely to experience sunburn. No shit.

Can black people be in the sun longer?

Yes. Fucking Carlos. By the way, it is funny. My. When Ep came over to my house and we were outside and he was like, give me some sunscreen. And I was like, come on, you're black. I need it.

Oh, really?

That's like stealing oxygen from somebody who has, like, Covid. You know what I mean? Like taking their tank at the hospital. I need it.

Yeah.

You don't need any sunscreen. Can I ask a. I'm on the brink.

Look at this sensitive question.

Yeah.

And I wanna be able to approach it in a very, you know, non racist way.

Hmm.

Okay. I wanna be delicate here.

Yeah. Dance. Dance lightly.

Oh. Very lightly. You know, I've been on a beach.

Yeah, you've been on beaches.

I'm a beach guy.

No, you're not.

Just for the story.

Right? She's right. You've been to a beach. Hawaii. You go to the beach.

I've been on a lot of beaches. And that's the truth. I've been on beaches with you.

Yeah, but you hate being.

I know, but I'm still. I didn't say I love being there. I said I've been on them.

That's what we share in common. I hate them.

I love you so much.

I have zero. Why am I there? Yeah, I'll just go to the pool. Why am I. Why am I there?

Yeah. I just don't like sand in any of my cracks.

And it gets in all your cracks, and you have a lot of cracks.

I have more cracks. I have triple craps. I have triple cracks than most humans.

They care about we're cracked up.

I'm cracked up. Anyway. Let's go. Sensitive. Thanks for the humor there. I appreciate it. But, um, I. I've been on the beach before, and I've seen, you know, African Americans.

Uh huh. At the beach.

At the beach. Which is great. No, yeah. Come on.

What are you saying? You've seen them at the beach?

Yes, but I've seen them put the oil.

Sun tanning, you know, suntan lotion or sun or oil.

Sun tanning lotion.

Sun tanning lotion.

Yeah, yeah, right? And then they lay out, you know, and I'm talking about, like, Del ro Lindo black. You know, I'm talking about.

Go ahead and finish it.

I've got to try to. I'm talking about Samuel L. Jackson Black. Right.

Successful.

Yeah, no, yeah. Successful. Great. God, people. Spiritual. No, no. Like umbrella.

No umbrella.

Just out in the sun. Right. And I always think to myself, and this is. And here's where the racism might be construed as, what's the point?

What you doing?

I always want to go, whatcha doing?

Well, what? What? What? Catching some beautiful vitamin D. Oh, is.

That what it is?

That's just a little bit of vitamin D. Okay.

That's all I wanted to hear. And thank you so much for cleaning that up. Thank you.

Just a little bit of vitamin D. I'll tell you, though.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Have you ever thought that?

No, never.

Oh, my God.

I'm the only one in this room that has thought that.

Look at me.

Yeah.

Yes.

Are you being fucking real right now?

Why would I?

I've never thought it, though. I just literally just thought of it.

Now, in your mind, you go to the Dodge and you see a black person at the beach, and you go, get out of here. No longer. That's what you say.

No, no, no.

Hey, you get out of here.

No, I just want to go up to them. Go and just go, hi. Right? And they're like, whatcha doing? Yeah. Yeah. What you doing? That's all. And then they're going, yo, man, Tanning. I'll be like, okay, have a nice day. I mean, that's all.

Tanning complete. Yeah, full tan.

Yeah. You're 33. 33 years ago or whatever. You know what I mean?

But, you know, first of all, this comes from a place of humor and jealousy, okay? Because I can't be out in the sun for more than five fucking seconds without it hurting. It hurts. I'm in pain right now. I think I have a mini sunburn on the side of my neck. Yeah.

You look red.

I took out the trash can. I take out the trash. I'm fried. It's disgusting. I belong in a basement. In a windowless basement, programming and on the dark web.

Can I ask a theoretical question?

Yeah.

What if, though? Okay, I'm putting, you know, I'm doing my bill nye here, dude.

I see it.

You see my bill Nye?

You are a sign.

Yeah, yeah. What if blackness is infinite?

Well, black people are infinite. No, forever.

The color black, that it just gets. You can get black or black at some point. It gets so black. Right. It just looks all black. Right. But it gets blacker. You know what I mean? Scientifically.

And. What are you saying?

I don't know, I'm just.

But I. What?

I'm just. It's a theoretical question.

Can we ask Neil degrasse Tyson?

Yeah, that's what I. Is black.

Oh. Vantablack absorbs 99.96.

That's what they're trying to get. Vantablack is what I'm saying. Maybe black people are trying to get.

Vantablack right in the next Black Panther movie. If Vantablack isn't a superhero, that's a character.

Yeah, yeah.

Fanta black. Yeah, it's a beautiful. I mean, look at that, dude.

Look at that.

Gorgeous.

Yeah.

What's my favorite color on? Yeah, black is the best. Black is the best color. Yeah, it looks the best on every. Look at. That's Vanta Black.

That's so black.

I've never even heard of that.

Yeah, yeah. You've never heard of Vanta Black?

No, zoom in. Zoom in on that, dude. Zoom in.

Oh, my.

Wait, wait, zoom into the original. The vanta black. That guy holding it, it looks edited.

Yeah, it looks like edited Black.

Wait, zoom in a little bit. You can hear it. Listen. Hey, motherfucker.

All right, keep that in. You gotta keep that in. That's funny.

It's funny, it's funny.

Anyway, I went to the San Diego zoo once. Uh oh. And I learned that rhinos also get sunburned.

Rhino. Oh, they do? Yes, they do.

And they get into mud.

Mud to protect our skin.

So I never thought that a rhino would get some.

How does an animal born in the sun, right? Not like, how is that not progress? They can get sunburned. They're like one of the only ones that can.

Whoa.

What are the animals in the animal kingdom that can get sunburned?

I think all of them then. No, theoretically, all of them.

Lions can't. There's so much fur, just as clothing and shade protects against pigs. Pigs get sunburned. Hippopotamus, warthogs. Oh, cute. A little sunburn, by the way. A little sunburnt pig.

Oh, my God.

So how cute.

Yeah.

Little bacon in the air. Little guanciale, huh?

Yeah.

By the way, I had.

Yeah, guanchale.

I had guanciale the other night. Oh, my God. Is it good? It's so hard to eat a pig. Cause look at him. Look at how rad they are. But boy, oh boy.

No. Yeah.

Is that a sunburned pig? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It looks like I have. I have a question.

Okay, here we go. This is what the good part of the show.

Okay. I can't wait since, since there's like a deregulation Tory name for black people. Oh, what about, man?

Is it Sunday today? It's a Lord's day.

Yeah, I was asking what about for white people? That's. Oh, they're all like really, really bad.

I mean, no, we haven't come up with the best one, but I'll give you some of them.

We're still trying.

Yeah. Cracker.

That's.

I'm just telling you. Right.

It's tough because I love Ritz crackers. They're so good.

White devil.

Yeah.

One.

Yeah.

Yeah. White devil.

Honky. Honky is one colonizer.

Colonizer.

Yeah. Bitch ass. Bitch ass. We get bitch ass, don't we?

No, you get bitch.

Well, I'm just telling you that's what happens. But if you're. Yeah, he says it, so it's just.

There's no filter.

I mean, he says it like you would say french fries.

Yeah.

Unbelief.

There's a. There's a term. I. It's w I g g a. Wigga.

Wigga.

Is that. Can you say that or that's a positive?

I think.

No, well, I think that's a positive.

I think it's a positive.

I put this in my first special. I used to, kids used to call me a wigger all the time when I was a kid. I got made fun of a lot because I wanted to wear.

Yeah.

I wanted to wear clothing that all my black friends wore. So people made fun of me a lot and said that. Okay, yeah, blue chew.

It's my penis. Can I say that?

I think so.

It's so dynamic right now because of blue, thanks to. Because it would be. It would be a zombie. Oh, exactly. I put blue chew. What happens? Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

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I call them vitamins.

Well, yeah, they kind of are.

Yeah.

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Get 20% off and free shipping with code badfriendscape.com. that's 20% off and free shipping with code badfriendsanscape.com. may I build Bill Nyar real quick? Right. Just as a scientist, and this is not. It has nothing to do with race. What does soap do?

Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with race. You set it up like it was going, wait, what does soap do? Kills bacteria on your skin.

You know, I was in the shower last night.

Yeah.

Using soap, lathering it. But in my mind, I'm like, what is it doing?

Well, look, dude, there's parts of the world that don't have access to soap, and they get just as clean by water on their skin.

Yeah.

So what's washing off dead skin? Bacteria that can just build up.

But you don't need it?

Not really. I mean, do we use it for. For. We use it for germs. You need it. If you're touching something that's bacterial, you're touching raw chicken, you need to wash your hands.

Right.

Because you don't spread disease.

But in the Philippines, you guys use soap. I mean, for the most. Is that terrible?

That's a legitimate question.

We have soap in the Philippines.

No, that's not. Hold on. Stop. Stop.

Of course. What are you talking about?

No, of course they do. I've been there. I use soap there.

What do you do? Is have irish spring.

No, it's called mud. But anyway.

No, Harold, look this up. Is that.

Is that a bad question?

No, it's legit.

I think it's a legitimate question.

Well, this is the fear. This is the. This is a forever, never ending race. This is a race thing that I've talked to about many black friends. White people don't use washcloths. Do you use washcloth?

I washcloth.

Wow. You don't use washcloth either.

What do you use?

I might be one of the only whites I know that uses a washcloth.

What is a washcloth, though?

A little tiny towel in the shower that you use soap to get the reaches of your body, not just soap in your hand. You use your. For your back and.

Well, I use.

This is another joke. White people don't wash their legs. Have you ever washed your legs? No. See, white people don't wash their legs.

Wow.

Yeah.

So I use one of those loofs, but love the long ones. What do you call them?

Aloofa.

But not. Not the spongy kind, the long sheet kind.

Mm hmm.

And I put the soap on it.

That's a washcloth.

And I do that. That's a washcloth.

What is it? Cloth?

No.

Are you washing with it?

It's not cloth at all. What is it? It's. What do you call that?

Loofah.

It's not even a sponge. It's the blue. It's like. It's like plastic. It's like a plastic. No. Look it up. No. What are you. I don't know what you call it. Hold on.

Washcloth, blue thing.

No, it's not that.

It's Bob. Where?

The fourth one. That one. The color ones. The rainbow color ones.

Like a microfiber. Towels.

Yeah, I have that.

I have that.

What? It says washcloth right on it, you fuck head. Nylon washcloth, loofah, towel, it's all the same thing. The fuck? Come on. That's a washcloth. It's a cloth.

There's no cloth in it.

What are you saying? It's a cloth is just a term for a fucking woven material.

Yeah, that shirt is cloth. It's like, this is a metallic chicken. If it's some regular chicken, it's not a fucking. Yeah, I mean, what are you talking about?

Is it a metal chicken?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's a washcloth.

It's not a future metal chicken, dude. It's like a fucking chicken, dude. You can't just use a fucking word and then. And then have it not be that fucking element.

It's a washcloth.

There's no cloth in it, dude.

It's a. It is a. It's a. It is a broad term for something in the shower used to wash other parts of your body.

Oh. It's so it's not made out of cloth.

Fuck. Doesn't have to be.

Okay, it's a washcloth.

Nylon.

It's a nylon washcloth. That's what I use. That's what I use.

Like, two minutes of this.

But you know what I do, though?

What?

I just wait for people want to know my ritual. Okay. I take two soaps.

Hmm.

So I lay it down on the. You know, I have a nice little shower.

I know you do.

You know what I mean? And I do two. So I get like, a body wash, you know, like an ax.

Really? You're an ax guy?

No, a ghetto ax. Then I put a high end in it.

Oh.

And it mixed the moisture, the smells.

Little science experiments.

Little science experiment.

You are Bill Nye.

I am so Bill nye right now.

Bill Nye.

And I really get in there. So do you do that? And I. But the first thing I do is my legs.

I do. I always do legs and.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's also because I. When I sweat and work out, my legs get sweaty.

Mmm.

I get sweaty legs.

Mmm.

Do you immediately shower when you work, after you work out?

Yeah, man, I cannot stand not. I don't like sweat on my skin.

Okay. I noticed in soul cycle, and I.

Notice you go to Soulcycle with Atikalai. Oh, wow. I didn't know you do that.

And I noticed mostly white girls after. After the workout, they dry their underwear in the.

That's disgusting.

The one.

What's it called? The air dryer? Yeah, the air dryer thing.

What? They dry out their panties in a fucking.

What do you mean? What's it called?

A hair.

The hand dryer.

Yeah. I mean, you know what it's called?

Well, they might not have the word.

Alright, sorry, my bad.

In the Philippines, you wash your hands and you just go like, yeah, okay.

Okay.

So they wash their. They dry their panties in there. That's so fucking gross. Go home and shower.

That's what I noticed.

These white girls, manda. These white girls are gross.

You know what's hot?

What?

The other day I was in my.

He's inside the hair dryer.

Yeah, right.

What?

The other day I found some female underwear in my bedroom. I don't know who it's from, but it was kind of cool.

Were you sniffing it? You did, you little pig. You sniffed it, didn't you?

Is that wrong?

I mean, it's in your house. It's somebody that you had over. So obviously, no, it's not wrong. I mean, it's not wrong.

And I did.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's not wrong, I did.

I mean, if it's someone that, you.

Know, I don't remember.

You can't do it to some. You never walk into somebody else's house and do it.

Would that be weird if I went to your house. Oh, my God.

And sniffed my wife's underwear? Oh, my God.

Look, stop. Stop for a second, everyone. You're getting angry and I just. Stop, stop. What I'm saying is, what's the problem?

It's so gross.

I know, but what's the problem? And you explain to me what the problem is.

Cause it's your greasy face in her underwear.

I know, but what's the. What harm is it doing?

I just said it. Your greasy little face in her underwear.

I'll wash her. What if I grabbed your wife's underwear.

Sniffed it, then wash it.

No. And I said, dude, I will wash it after I sniff it.

No problem. Get to wash it.

Okay.

Good hand wash, though.

And I went, I wonder if I went to the bathroom with it. Would that be weird?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

But would that cause a rift on our friendship?

Yeah, it'd probably be a little bump.

Okay, my bad.

Thought you sniffing.

Holy shit, dude.

So insane.

Yeah.

Now if you sniffed mine. Fine.

Yeah, that's.

Doesn't.

Interesting.

Doesn't bother. Yeah, okay, don't sniff.

I won't sniff.

Don't sniff. What's.

What are you confused about?

It's just crazy.

It's crazy town. Yeah, it's crazy.

I will say I. I noticed that when you go to certain people's houses, some people give you a towel.

Mmm.

A hand towel and a washcloth on top. We always do that. I provide when people come. Three towels, a body towel, a hand towel and a little washcloth.

What do you want? When people come?

When people come and stay at the house. Family, friends, visitors.

This is a very bill nye again, I don't think. No, take Bill and one nye out. I know it's not a science thing. Okay, but can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

I don't know how to. Okay. Over the years, I think I've lost friendships over this. I've had friends from San Diego. I just had Shay Matosh, a comic from Las Vegas. And they say, dude, I'm gonna be in La for a couple of days. Can I stay at your house? And I always go, nah, never.

Right. They should know better. You would never.

I know, but what I'm saying is, you know, if it's a woman that I'm seeing, you know what I mean? Dating. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm totally fine with that. Right. But for some reason, like, my bro, my friend from San Diego guy, you.

Know what I mean?

Like, I want to be there for four days. I always go, no, I'm like, I'd rather get you a hotel.

Yeah, but is the.

I'll pay for your hotel.

Are they hanging out with you?

That's the problem. I don't know what they're up to.

But if they're coming to see you, clearly they can stay at your house.

No.

So they're coming to hang out with you, but they can't stay at home.

I don't want them to come up to hang out with me then. What do you mean, come up to hang out with you?

Hey, Bob, I want to come up from San Diego.

Yeah, I don't do that.

And I want to spend a couple days.

And that's the difference between you and.

I, that I have real friends.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

That's literally what this is.

You don't have towels?

Is it a towel problem?

Is it a towel problem? No.

Do you not have towels?

No, I'm just.

How do you dry off, dude, you standing out of the shower, just, like, shaking your body dry.

Like, what do you mean when I dry off?

Do you have extra towels for guests?

Yes.

Yeah, he has a lot.

Thank you so much for.

So what are you gonna do with them if no one can use them?

I use them.

Okay, so they're your towels?

Yeah, I mean, I use them. Like, if I have twelve towels. There's twelve days of towels.

Use a towel every day.

Oh, yeah.

You change towels every day.

Do I not?

Yeah.

That's insane. That's how I do it every day.

It's America.

Wow.

Exactly. Yeah.

It's a great country.

Okay. Because, I don't know, I'm like, I'm oddly clean.

Tito Bobby, like, his bathroom smells so good.

Thank you.

It should.

Even if there's a lot of poo stuff.

Stains.

It smells good.

Yeah.

Damn it. There's no poo stains, woman.

Yes, there is.

No, there isn't.

There. Sure.

So, like, I do hang out. Like, so I want to tell you, last night, I was at the comedy store.

Mm hmm.

And finances in town.

Yeah. Ian, we love you.

Love em. Finance. And the other day, we ran into this guy, and he goes, there's a Hollywood party Saturday night, man. You know, a lot of women gonna be there. And he said in front of me and Ian Edwards, I mean, at finance, and we were like, I'm like, oh, okay. Ian was like, let's go. I'm not. So Saturday night, he's at the store.

And I actually went, you went to the Hollywood party?

Yeah, it was way up in the famous there. We couldn't even get in.

What? Why?

So I parked my car, right? 5 miles up a hill. We have to walk. Yeah, it's 1230 at night. We go and we go. And then we overhear somebody in the car goes, yeah. You need a yellow bracelet.

Well, I know.

Not human.

You're like, I'm wearing it.

Yeah. Not a human. Yeah. You know, what? I mean.

Mm hmm.

Okay.

Like a live, strong, like, for.

I don't know what it, no, it's not like a. Yeah, yeah.

Like a lance Armstrong.

No, it's so, um. And we were outside this fucking gate for an hour.

Not one person saw you and didn't go. That's Bobby Lee. Let him in.

No.

And then the guy that invited you shows up.

Shows up. The guy invited us, shows up, and he goes, oh, don't worry about it. You know what I mean? And he keeps texting the guy, and then all of a sudden, helicopters appear.

Cops.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden, ambulances and cops, and they're all now there.

Oh, shit.

Going in. And my instinct is like, leave. I guess it's over.

Yeah, I'm gone.

No, we're good in.

The cops are there.

I know.

I know.

It's not a great story.

No, but did you, you went. Did you guys try, did they try to get in still?

No, I made Ian going, you guys, it's not great.

No, it's a good story.

I'll tell you why I tell that story, though, because I've never done that before. No, I've never been to a Hollywood.

Hills party before and not gotten in.

No. I've gone to Tim Dylan's house.

That's in the Hollywood hill.

I understand that, but it's a little different.

Why?

Because it's not like, you know what I'm talking about, where it's, like, clubby, but time out.

I think you're missing the, I think you're missing what's right in front of you.

We're doing the robotic chicken, the metallic chicken thing. Again with the cloth. Is that what we're doing or what?

Tim doesn't have any washcloths at his house. No, no, dude. Tim is famous. He has very famous people there it is, a Hollywood Hills party.

I'll tell you why I don't think it is, and you're right. You're absolutely right.

So, what is it?

Andrew Santino is absolutely right.

Thanks.

Okay. But I'll tell you why. Why? I don't think that.

Why?

It's because they're all people. I know.

Because you're famous.

No, I'm not. No. What I'm saying is I'm famous in a certain way. So it's like if I show up at a house and I see Whitney Cummings, I'm not, I'm not like, oh, my God. No, I know. But to the outside, I understand that. What I think what I'm saying is, I want to go to a party where it's like.

Oh, the Caprio.

Yeah, that.

Right, you never will go.

Yeah, I know.

We'll get over it.

Okay.

They don't want us there.

I know.

What would we do? Well, you've been there to where?

Those parties.

No, I haven't.

Dude, you're gonna make me so mad right now.

Dude, I've been to.

You've been.

I've been to a couple of like.

No, you've been to golf resorts in Washington or whatever.

Yeah.

With super big guys.

Yeah, but that's a party. Only people I know.

Gladiators party. Yeah, gladiator. Yeah, gladiator.

That wasn't Hollywood party.

It's still very high end.

It was weird.

No, see, that's what I'm saying. I've never been there. Okay, I have.

Yeah, you have.

Let's move on.

Yeah, you hundred percent have.

Let's move on. Can I ask you a question? Is it a real question? And, you know, I've thought to myself, with you, I want to be more, you know, open with you and honest.

Okay.

Okay. When I got, when I got off the stage the other night when we did the show together, you and your wife were standing there in that little opening.

Yeah.

And you guys looked at me with shame. Is that what the look was?

Yeah. No. What the fuck are you talking about? Did I look upset?

You guys both looked at me like you were upset with me.

Well, I'll tell you why I was in, why I was a little upset. I wanted, selfishly, I wanted to go up after you. I didn't want. Because you brought up another comic and then they brought me up, which is fine, but I like going after you, or vice versa. I just like that. So I was a little bummed that I had to wait because I prefer to. I think it's a nice synergy. So I wasn't upset at you. But I do love when we're paired. It feels good. It's funny what the rhythm is really good.

Funny what one mind does. We assume all these things that aren't true.

Yeah, it's not true.

Yeah, but you.

But, but, but I was just bummed because I saw you were having great, a great time and I thought, fuck, I would love to go up there right after you and have fun, cuz.

I saw you guys do this. I think your wife was doing this. Like this.

Yeah, she's. Well, she's airing it out. She's got to air it out sometime.

And she was like.

You guys were like, yeah, yeah, cuz we were. Cuz we knew we had to wait. Yeah. And I had to wait for another comic. And I was like, I'd rather go right after Bob.

That's what it was.

That's all. That's almost always what is. It's a self. That's selfish.

But I mean, can we talk about, though, if you ever had any grievances with me that you would say it or no?

Yeah.

Would you hold it in your soul?

No. I would tell you.

Okay.

I would tell you because I love you, but I don't. You're hard to grieve. Now, some people in the studio. Easier to grieve. Yeah.

Yeah.

I got some vinces with some of these people, including McConnell.

Well, get it out, because I knew you were going on a rant earlier.

McConnell has made his way into my social circle.

Yeah.

He's found a way to infiltrate, by the way. And I can't stop doing favors for him. He's getting free furniture for his new apartment.

I think you're doing him a disservice.

I know. I know.

Not. I'm being real.

I know.

I'm sorry.

No, it's true.

Because what I realized over the years is it's in the struggle where we find it.

And he doesn't get to struggle.

He's not struggling. You're not struggling? Not anymore.

Well, so do you.

You never did. You're 20.

What?

425. Oh, excuse me. Gary Oldman. I mean, like, what? You've been in the business for a long time. Excuse me, 25. Wow. Wow. So I. We struggled for at least a decade.

Yeah, a long time. Do you think we should decrease his pay?

No, I'm just saying. Well, when I look at you with him, I'm like, God, he's giving him so much love.

I know. I don't know. I'm having a hard time with.

And now it makes me be the guy. Cause I want him to grow.

Yeah.

To be the dick.

Right?

I'm like, in a position where I have to be the dick. I'm being real. That's what I realized, you know? And then you. You look at me with resentment and anger because I'm doing the. I'm doing more love. I'm giving you more love.

Tough love, good love.

The good love.

Good love. That's the real love.

The real love.

I give you fake love.

He gives you fake love.

Yeah. I'm a phony baloney.

You're not. You love him.

I do.

It's a deep father son kind of connection. But I'm just saying. That it does them a disservice.

Speaking of real love, we were talking about you at dinner the other night. Me and Spade and Swartz.

And why aren't I ever invited to those?

You were. And you said no, that's right.

All right, yeah, go ahead.

So annoying. But Spade, Spade was choking about Swartzen the way he orders. And he orders exactly like you order.

Who does?

Swartzen.

So does Spade.

He did a little bit, but he was, well we made it. We told him he was paying for the meal.

Oh.

So he immediately was like okay, slow down. And Nick was like we'll get three more orders of the Toro sushi with the caviar on top.

You went to nobuo?

We went to another sushi place. Unless I say another sushi place. We went to the other one.

I know that is the other one.

And he goes, can we get the toro with the caviar on top? And spade was like, come on. And sportsman goes, six pieces. And the guy's like oh okay well you have six coming. He goes, keep it coming. And Spade was like all right, that's enough.

Also tell us something about Spade. When you're eating with them.

He sits like on his knees like.

A twelve year old rich kid. Like.

Yeah, like he grew up in Aspen.

Yeah, this is a fucking seat. And he's just like eating like this.

You know, I mean and just, it is really cute.

Fucking crazy.

So cute though.

It's so cute.

You see everyone looks cuz he looks like a cutie. And he stands up to talk to you. He stands up, he lets you know.

Yeah, he does.

In the middle of the meal he wants to talk to you.

Yeah. And then here's another thing I hate about it.

No, we love, I know.

I love him. I'm just saying. So I go, every time you go to the host and you have to go, I'm here with David Spade. And they look at you and they go really? And I go yeah. How do you, how do you know that? How do I know that he's here? They go okay. And then they walk me and I'm.

Like, are you his driver?

Yeah. I mean that's what it.

Leave the keys.

Yeah, that's what it feels like. Yeah, they have to. The hostess of a restaurant eyes me up and down.

You're with Spade, huh?

Yeah. You're with spade, huh?

Hmm.

In what capacity? And then I feel like I have to explain myself, but I, you know, but usually they do it.

Yeah.

And then he's so not, he's great. He's got great.

He has a sweetheart. Anyway, he's a little sweet prince.

Yeah. Which is. Can I just say a cool thing that happened?

Yeah.

It was one of those things where I want to do for somebody else one day.

Go on.

Right. I was with a date. Okay. And we were in on the west side. We're walking, and we walk by this nice restaurant. This is during the day, and I see this older, nice lady eating a meal. And then Adam Sandler's there with her.

Oh.

And Sandler looks at me and calls.

Me over, oh, that's hot.

It's the best.

Isn't that cool to look like?

He goes, Lee, what's up? Yeah. Yeah. I go, any. And Sandler go, dude, he looks at my dad and goes, this guy. What a funny guy. What a great guy. Right? And he does one of these taps. I do like, amen. It's good to see you. You know, I mean.

Yeah.

And I go, I'll see you soon. See you soon. But it was just like, one of those gestures. I'm like, very good. I like, it was like, you know.

Makes you look really cool.

Like, I want to do that for somebody else.

You do do that for people. You say hi to people and it makes people feel good. McConnell.

No, I want, like, help a guy get laid.

Oh, that would be tougher for you. Well, I don't. Well, what I'm saying is that. Why.

What you know, what I mean is.

You don't have that transferable.

That's what I'm saying.

Well, I don't think.

No, no.

Well, you're not can.

No. What I said before was, I would like to do that with somebody. And then you're like, yeah, you can. And then now I'm explaining it to you. And now you're like, oh, yeah, you can.

Well, not get. You're not gonna help someone get laid.

No. So you don't think that.

You think a woman is gonna win. Walk up with a guy?

No, no.

And then. And then you see the guy and you go, hey, buddy. And then you say to the girl, this guy is the man. She doesn't care what you say.

That's what I said before. But then you. Then you build me back up, and now you shut me back.

I'm so sorry, but it's not gonna happen.

I know, but don't. Don't build me back up then.

I'm sorry.

I was already falling.

I'm sorry, buttercup. Okay, I apologize.

Could you do it?

No, but you could. We don't have that power.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

We don't have that power. We don't have the power.

Yeah.

Tito, Andrew has the power.

Thank you. I love it.

But you don't think I do.

You have. Tito, Andrew has this kind of power. You have this. I think so.

I think so, too.

Love you, Rudy.

I think so, too.

Okay, can I tell you what? I did a nice thing that I talk about this on the PI, I think.

Go ahead.

A police officer held the door for me to get. I was going into Jersey Mike's, and. And he held the door very politely for me and my lady, and then I said, you know, I'm gonna buy his sandwich. And then. So I got to the front, and then I turned around and I said, are you gonna get chips and a drink? And he goes, no. Why? I said, because, you know, I'll get the sandwich, but I don't want to get the meal deal. Do you know what I mean? I'm not gonna pay for the whole fucking. You know what I mean? Just a sandwich. I'm kidding. No, but I said, you want it? I said, are you gonna get chips and drink? He said, no, just a sandwich. I said, well, whatever. He gets it. Put it on there. And I paid for it. And he looked at me so earnestly, and he shook my hand, and he said, thank you so much. That's very nice. Very nice of you. And I said, well, thank you for. You know. Because honestly, how many people say anything nice to a cop during the course of the day?

I'm being serious.

I'm scared of cops.

Well, okay. No, you should be.

I had to go to a police station.

Well, you're fucking illegal, dude. Why are you. Wait, why are you scared of cop? You had to go to the police station?

I'm just scared of them in general, but I had to go to the police station to report my missing passport.

And did they help you?

Yeah, but I was crying before I was going, before I went, because I was so scared of them.

Have you had bad interactions with them when you were a kid?

No.

So why are you scared?

Just, like, the idea that they're kind of superior, right, right.

When you cry. Oh, my God, your eyes bulge out.

Yeah, it's ugly.

No, no, like a cartoon. Like. Yeah, yeah, it's, like crazy.

But were the cops nice to you?

They were really nice.

So then. So then stop being so scared.

Yeah, after that, I stopped being scared.

You changed your mind?

Yeah.

I'm imploring all of our fans to buy a copper sandwich or something. If you see, you know what?

You're also good at high. You know what another thing that you do is, and I do it, too. You always say thank you for your service to military.

You should. I do too, because I'm not. I don't have the balls to do that. So fucking. We should all say something. Although when we were coming back from somewhere.

Yeah.

No, no. This made me. Laughter. I don't know where we were traveling from, but you know when they call the air airport lines and then they say families military. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Of course I do.

There's a guy that walks up and Bobby's like, that guy's not in the military. I was like, yes, he, he probably already served. He's like, no, he's not a military guy. Like, you knew that he wasn't in the military.

I don't think it was.

You think he was stolen Valor just to get on the plane.

When you see a guy that looks like Ralphie may, right. And going, yeah, I'm in the marines, I'm like, that's not the guy. What is he? Explosive guy. I mean, what does he do?

Well, he lays on the bomb.

He's the IED guy. Yeah.

All good. Yeah.

How about. You can tell sometimes.

Sometimes he looked a little bit like he might have. Well, but, but look, he might have worked in the computer. He might have just been.

I. Maybe, but I'm just saying that guy shouldn't go. He. When I say military, you have to be either on a boat in a war. So you're saying, you know, jumping over one of those large fucking things.

You know, you're doing a. Doing a.

With a net. With a net.

A tough mudder.

Yeah, yeah. The wired fence and they're underneath, crawling. You have to be doing that.

What you're saying. You have to be.

Yeah.

That's to be in shape, military, to get on the plane first. That's what you're saying.

No, he's just got to be like, in military, he's got to be like a guy that we're like, yeah, John War. Yeah. Not. You know what I mean? Get in the office and do whatever.

Right? Yeah. Right.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I get it.

Yeah. And then it's also this. It's like what?

I just.

Can I say another thing?

Yeah.

It's when they go, all right. People that need help to get on the thing. On the plane. Yeah, I get it. What a headache. Right?

You mean people that are like, disabled.

And my heart's out to you. Okay. But there are some, and I've tried to call them out, right? Where it's like, they get wheeled up, right?

I know.

Some, right? They get. Right?

Yeah.

They get wheeled up, right?

And then, and then all of a.

Sudden, they're fucking Carl Lewis. They get up and they start running to their fucking seat. I think. What is that? That's deception, right? I don't like that. And we should call that out. Don't you think we should call that out? No. Yes.

That's insane.

It's not that you. You couldn't get from there to there, but you can run to the rest of the. I don't get it. What? What?

Also, you're right. What drives me nuts is when they say people that need help get on the plane, and it's like, one person disabled and nine family members that get on with them.

I hate that.

And they're like, we're all helping. You're not all helping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy.

I hate that.

That is crazy.

Okay, so one time, Gabriel iglesias, right? This is before us.

I love him.

I love him too.

Yeah.

This is before us. Which means, you know what I mean? I wasn't where I was.

Yeah.

So I was, you know, I would do, you know coach. Coach guy.

What do you mean? What'd you say? Oh, coach. Oh, right, right.

A flight coach.

Right.

I was in Canada playing. Yuck. Yucks.

Mm hmm.

I know. I was at the airport, and I was like, group nine or something. Like the last group.

You. You're in the cargo. Yeah.

To the point where I had to, like, there was no more overhead compartment space, so I had to wheel up my thing. Go, can you check this? Right? Like one of those guys, right? I'm sitting there and I see Gabe with his entourage.

Okay, in first class.

No, they weren't interested in first class. Gabe walks up to me, goes, what's up, dude? And we hug all that. Yeah, and go, you're same fly. I go, yeah, same flyer. And he goes, yeah, we get on before everyone. Like, they get on before even, you know, mean. You know all those guys, right? Yeah, yeah. They get on before. Right. And I go. And for a split second, I was like, I don't like. Because if I saw this and I was outside, the, you know, the circumstance had nothing to do with me. I wouldn't like it if I saw it.

You'd be pissed.

I would be pissed.

Right.

But I did. Go on.

You went with them.

I mean, I'm not gonna say no but then what?

When they go to first class, then you just kept going back to the back.

The very back in the middle seat in the back. Yeah, yeah. And then I couldn't even go. But I got first. I had the overhead, but it's underneath now. I already checked it. Yeah.

Anyway, I know what you're saying, though. It is.

I don't like it.

What is this the. What is that you're showing us? The private celebrity friendly terminal.

Yeah. At LAX. There's a. I moved on that. Whoa. Is that new? No. Have you done that? It's new right there. Have you done that?

I don't know.

Be honest.

Have you done it?

Yeah.

Look. Look at me right now. Stop, stop. And because we talked earlier, we're up front and honest with each other.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Have you done that?

I don't know.

Have you done it?

I don't know yet.

You. You have?

I don't think.

Yeah. You. When you looked at it, you're like, oh, I know what that is.

What does it look like?

No, no. What's that like?

It's so cool. It's so cool.

Who's there?

They. It's really cool. I'm not a member. I was brought by a friend. Right. And if a friend has a pass, you can bring people. And what you do is you park your car there and then you see where all the planes are across. Right. You get to sit. You can have breakfast, drinks, lunch, whatever. And then they drive you in an suv to the plane and then you get on from the outside stairs that go up to the plane.

Okay, so what do I need to do to get there?

It's. It's pretty expensive, I think. It's. I don't know how much money it. Well, it says it runs $3,500 and then you pay a monthly fee and then other stuff.

What do you mean, $3,500 a month?

3500 is to get in one time? No, no, that's to have the membership and then you pay monthly fees.

And what is the monthly fee?

I don't know. I've never. I don't. I don't. I don't do it. I've just. I was a guest, but I will say it's fucking unbelievable.

Okay, so what, can you zoom in? Because I can't read that. All right, so all access annual fee, 4800.

So 5000 and then $750 per person. You bring with you a time.

One time.

Every time.

Every time.

Every time.

I see. And then the private suite rate for four travelers, is that 3500.

And then they valet your car, and then. And then I. Yeah.

Person. Now, let's see. Is that worth it?

I don't think.

I don't think so.

So fancy. It's. Why do you need it? I mean, look.

Yeah.

It was very. I was very cool. It was very nice.

Yeah.

You know, to be a part of it, but also. I just don't know. I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't really. We're of the people, you know, who does that?

And I can just guess.

Mmm.

Burton, Tom, the hundred percent.

Well, they take private jets.

Yeah.

Those guys are private, Jack.

Yeah. I think Theo does that now. Probably.

They're more famous.

You and I won't do it.

Well, they're more famous.

No, let's do southwest for life.

I'll do southwest.

I don't care.

I'll play southwest. I'm going to Vegas in two weeks. I'm flying southwest. I don't give a fuck. Why do I care?

I love southwest.

I wouldn't say I love it.

You know that I don't. Right?

Yeah.

You didn't. I thought, you're going to jump on me for that?

No, but I'll fly it. I don't. I just don't give a shit.

Me, too.

Do you know what's like sleigh? Pussy purr.

I know. Slay. Slay.

Pussy.

Purrtained. Slay is a term in the gay community that means, like, go off. Yeah, but pussy purr. I don't know.

Yes, pussy purr, it's the same thing. But my friends, like the girls, they.

Say, you make the pussy. You make the pussy purr.

You better believe it.

Not actual.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like you say. Oh, slave. Pussy purr. Slave purr.

Appropriating gay culture.

Very good.

Stealing from the gays.

Give me another one.

So you're doing another one.

Slay queen.

Hmm.

It's a new one. I don't. I don't really use it, but skibity.

Skippity skippity doo do.

Skibbiddy day, we started. See, we. Our generation. Skippity is a word that means nothing.

Oh, it's.

No, it says it's bad. Like, it's bad.

Well, let me tell you. The Today show says what? Cool, dumb, bad. Uses a filler word. So how would you say in a sentence?

I don't know. It's the younger generation.

I know. If it's nothing, it's like skivity. How was the party? Asked me what?

How was the party last night?

It was all skippity dog.

No, that's not. That can't be it.

That's it. It was nothing.

You sound like. You sound like an old guy going, hey, young kid.

Yeah.

That weird.

Yeah. What?

Skippity toilet.

I don't know. What? Skippity toilet.

See, even you don't know.

Yeah.

Stealing is phantom tax.

Stealing is phantom tax tax.

Phantom. Phantom.

Phantom. Or Phantom, Phantom, Phantom. It's gotta be. Phantom.

Phantom tax is known as phantom income or dry income. What are you talking about? Taxes.

It's. That's what.

I know. I know, I know. What? Phantom taxes, it's residuals for in our world.

Yeah, right.

Residual. Like, you know, sometimes, like, for instance.

Phantom tax and Internet's lang term describing the theft of food between. Phantom tax. It's the theft of food between friends, man. The future is fucked.

It's fucked. It.

What are we talking about?

Phantom tax.

Stealing food from your friends.

So if you. I have french fries. Go steal it. Here, I'm gonna charge you a phantom tax.

Is that what it is, skippity? No.

I don't know. I don't know.

When we were young, though, do you remember? I don't know if this was like this for you, but, like, at lunch. Yeah, I never. Okay. My parents never. My parents worked, my mom never made lunch, so I had to buy lunch at school. School lunches. And all the time I didn't want to spend money, so I would steal or I just ask friends for their side shit or their leftovers. Did you do that?

No.

Oh, yeah. You were rich and I wasn't rich.

I just wouldn't do. I'd rather starve.

I would just be like, can I have that?

No. Can I have your apple? That's insane.

Yeah. People will go, yeah, I don't want it.

Yeah. And. But that, you would rely on it. So some. Sometimes you probably got a bunch of no's, and then you didn't eat some days. Yeah. Yeah. So your mom didn't know.

I'm kidding.

Mom didn't pack you a lunch?

No, no, no, she never did. But here's what she would do. She'd leave me $2 on the. On the planning desk. On the desk by the door.

Mmm.

She goes, there's two or $3 there. And then what I would do is, if I'm being real, I'm not joking around. Now, all joke aside, I wanted the money, so I would save the $2 a day and just steal other hustler. Yeah. So I had. So I had. Then by the end of the week, I'd have five? I'd have ten to $15.

Look up korean school lunch. What?

They're so good.

Do you ever seen the photos of these korean school?

No. What do they give them? Was that say grilled australian shepherd?

Dude, that's at school.

Dude, that's insane.

It's insane.

Like, that's an american school lunch. On the left.

Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, zoom in. The. Dude, I am having flashback nightmares.

I know.

In the top left, the fucking peas and carrots cut up. They're hard as a rock. They're not even cooked. Is so fucking gross. They fed that. That shit was so gross. It was so whack.

The patty and the hamburger. I found an ice cube in one in high school. There's a full blown ice cube in that.

By the way. That carton of milk never was cold. It was left out on a shelf.

Oh, there's different states now.

Well, Oregon. Yeah, of course.

Oregon's better.

Yeah. Yeah, it's all china.

Wait, what has the. What state has the worst school food?

Oh, let's guess. What state has the worst lunch food. High school or element? What? High school lunch.

Okay, let me get. Let me try to guess. State.

Mississippi.

I don't know.

Mississippi. Louisiana. Fuck. We're right next door.

Has the worst in the country based on several.

How many fruits and vegetables? And the state is followed by Idaho. And most popular lunch is. Pizza cheeseburger. Pizza cheeseburger.

That's good, I bet.

Yeah. Pizza cheeseburger does sound fucking good.

Pretty good. Yeah. Wow.

By the way, I went. When I was up in San Francisco.

Mmm.

When I went to go golf at this place, they. They do a famous. They do a famous thing called a burger dog. Look up. Olympic club. Burger dog. This was. Dude, I got here. My buddy took me as I was a guest. This. I could eat fucking a thousand of.

Oh, my God.

It looks so good, dude, I'm not even kidding. Yeah, you have one of these fucking things and you're like, I don't even feel like playing golf. I could just eat this all fucking day. I could eat a hundred of them. They're so fucking good. And I don't know why no one.

Else does look so good. It's like a Philly cheesesteak almost a little. No.

Kind of. Yeah. Kind of.

Yeah. I think we should wrap up by talking about the David Chang thing that we did. No.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? No, we don't. The picture. I mean, we were there, dude. Yeah. I know what they look like. I lived it, you know?

Is he bringing it to us. Oh, no, don't.

Please don't bring it.

Did you see us do David Chang's dinner time? You know, you don't support us. We were trying to get you a visa to stay in this country. You don't support us. You don't love us. You say you love us. You don't clean his house when you're supposed to. You know, I don't.

I don't know. Who's David Chang?

You really hurtlings. Oh, famous chef. A very famous chef.

So he has a Netflix show where the. He cooks stuff for his friends. We were on it live, so Andrew and I did it.

So good.

It was very good. And I have to say, go watch it on.

What did he make?

Oh, my God. It started. He started off with wagyu sliders. Little. In little hawaiian rolls. Yeah, wagyu sliders.

You ate all of it.

I didn't. I couldn't stop.

Wow.

I couldn't stop. I would do that. It's so good. And then he made us, um, fr. Uh, uh, like, lightly fried scallops and lightly fried, um. Crab.

Crab.

Yeah, crab. So good.

Yeah.

Then we had, um, ramen with more.

Wagyu in it with, um.

Tofu. With spicy tofu.

Yeah, with, um, the. Right. Burnt rice.

Burnt, crispy rice.

Crispy rice. I mean. Yeah.

Then he made us, dude, then he.

Made a creme fraiche cheesecake.

Cheesecake with caviar.

Yeah. And the breading was Ritz. Crackers.

Crackers.

Right. And then a bunch of caviar. And I'm telling you right now, dude, that was the best thing I've ever eaten in my life.

It was so soft. You know, if you. You know, what do you think a cloud tastes like if you could bite a cloud?

Yeah.

It tastes like I ate a little slice of heaven in my mouth. And by the way, Jesus pussy. Jesus pussy.

Yeah. Yeah.

And he never made it before. There's a few.

He never made it before. He improvised it.

He's a. He's a culinary genius.

Yeah.

And he's a really good dude. And we did it. People should watch it on Netflix. And you should have watched it, by the way.

Yeah.

Better than your other chef friend, Tito Bob.

Careful.

Who's the other chef friend?

The one on the bear. The.

Maddie. Matt.

Oh, Maddie.

Yes.

They make two different kinds of.

Yeah.

It's not competition.

Okay.

There are two different styles.

I think, during that thing, though, you know, I. I think I owe. I think I overdid it up front. I. Because you. You gave me a look what are you talking about? When we did the live.

Yeah.

For some reason, because it's live, I'm like, I gotta stand up and do things.

Yeah, you put on a show.

I try to put on a show.

You're a showman.

I know. But then you were sitting there, you were looking. Cause you were so calm in the pocket. And I looked at your eyes, and I just. Through your eyes, you were like, you're doing too much.

Well, here's the funniest part. Bobby forgets we're mic'd up. So he turns to me at one point, he goes, do you think I'm doing too much? Am I doing way too much? And I go, no, but they can also hear you. And he goes, right. I don't know if it made the cut.

I hope it did.

I don't know if they cut it out.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's so funny because I was like, dude, we're my top.

Yeah.

I can do everything that we're fucking.

You're right. I think you're right. I think you're right.

You weren't too much. Here's the deal. You're. I'm gonna. I'm gonna end the show like this. You're a showman. You're a scholar. You can and will help someone get laid one day. And you will crush tonight in front of Michael Bay. He'll be begging to put you in his next film. Cause that's the future that lays in.

Front of you, too.

Is a great band.

And don't forget the 2026 special on Hulu.

Spain won today. Fairly. That's all you get.

Barely.

Okay. And take what you get. And by the way, before you come here.

Yeah.

I don't know if you need to stretch or something, but something's not working up there. All right, Rudy, say goodbye to everybody.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Who?

Sting.

You don't know Sting?

No.

Oh, Sting is a singer. Was in the. Of the band the police. And he was also a solo artist. You don't know this guy Sting? You've never seen Sting before?

No.

Okay, this is a fun game.

Sing a song.

What?

Sing a song.

The most famous song you would know.

I know this one. I'll get one.

Go ahead.

Roxanne.

She doesn't know that, okay? She know. She. You know what song she knows? She's gonna know. What about stalking? Come on, dude. The whole song is about stalking. What song am I thinking of? Gonna stock you. Stock you stock it all night. I'm staying.

No. What is it?

Seriously. Every breath you take.

Oh, yeah, that's a great one.

Every breath you take.

That's a thing.

I told you she would.

You don't. Yeah. Why? Yeah, okay. You do.

She likes stocky stuff.

Yeah.

Stalker. Um, have you ever stopped, everything she.

Does is magic, right? Is that. You said everything. Cheat.

Every little thing.

Every little. Every little thing she does is magic.

Wait a minute.

Nothing.

Stalked? Who have you stalked?

Um, like crushes.

I'm bombing.

Oh, wow. You stalk these? She's a stalker. She's admitting you stock the ex. What?

I have a specific account for stalking people.

Ooh. What do you do? Do you do anything shady?

I wouldn't say this out loud. Think.

But they don't know that count.

Yeah, they don't know the.

That's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little stocky account. Because you look at your exes, what they're doing.

Yeah. If they got fat, if they got uglier and pathetic, did they get fat.

And ugly and pathetic?

You're catfishing. Kind of.

Do you ever talk to people through the stocky account? No, that's. It's catfishing. If she spoke to people through it.