What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Jay Shetty, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

I'm so grateful to be here.

I'm so happy to have you here. I feel like we've become quick podcast friends. Yes. Everyone I went on Jay's show, the first... I don't really go on podcast, and you made me feel so comfortable. So I'm so happy to have you here having to check every minute detail, but you know it's going to be reciprocated. And the highest level is unconditional trust, which is like God-level trust, which, to be honest, beyond your parents, probably most people are never going to have it. But we want that so bad that someone does one nice thing for us. We're like, They're the best. They're amazing. I'm done. I love them. They're not like my ex at all. And it's like, Guys, they got one thing right. That's okay. That's great. And I'm not saying you're going to test the person. I'm just saying, just don't trust them based on a couple of things. And so I think pacing is what I would look at from a last relationship. I would look at how much you let them show you who they were versus you made them who you wanted them to be.It's so fucking good, Jay, because I think you're so right. Everyone can fall on the spectrum of either you're someone that trusts so fast, and it's like, Wait, did you even know them? Now, all of a sudden, you're getting engaged, and it's like, Do you even know their childhood trauma? You don't know anything about them, and you've just trusted them to hold your heart and go forward. And it's like, Hold on. And then when one weird thing happens and you're going to your friend's crying, they're like, Well, did you ask him? And she's like, No. And I think the other side can be people that have a really hard time trusting. And even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past that's withholding you from being able to move forward. Because it's like, I've seen relationships. I've done it in the past, where they're like, I have literally done nothing. Why do you not trust me? And it's because I didn't heal in my past relationship where someone broke that trust. And so it's like, everyone's going to have a different level. But I think the pace is such an interesting concept because I know from my personal current relationship, we were in the pandemic.It moved way too fast in the very beginning. I made a very, very hard, conscious decision that I worked on in therapy to slow it down. I love that. I was like, We need to go back and pretend we're not in the pandemic. We're spending so much time, which is great, but we're moving We can't move in together yet. We've only been dating for six fucking months. Hold on. I think you can always alter the pace. You're never too far gone. There's always times to reel it in, but you have to be with a partner that's willing to also adjust pace-wise and not be like, What the fuck are you talking about? We live together. We don't need to talk about that now. Well, no, I realized we've never had a conversation about X, Y, Z. So pacing can also be on your terms and you can dictate it, but you have to have a partner that's willing also to work with you I love the point you just made that it can change at any time.This isn't like, Oh, I messed up in the beginning. It moved too fast. I'd say the same with me and my wife, actually. I'd say in the beginning, we moved know it's so uncomfortable sometimes, but having those hard conversations allows longevity in a relationship and it to grow. Because if you're not having that conversation, like you said, you're having so many in your head. I hate him for this. I hate her for this. I hate them for this. And then you're like, what are we doing here? So that's really cool that you do that with your wife. And if anything, I'm going to steal that from you because it's just a really mature way of basically saying, I'm giving giving you the opportunity to say anything to me, and I'm willing to hear it because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now. And I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on. And then you also know she's willing to hear it from you if you're like, Because I've been thinking about this.I know this is hard. I want to empathize with everyone. I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow. What I am saying I'm just trying to save people from wasting 10 years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't feel loved by. That's where this is coming from. This isn't coming from a place of I'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship. It's coming from a place of just I know how hurt people have been by relationships, and I know how much pain it causes when you feel blindsided and when you feel like you've just been surprised and someone just delivered you a big notice that you had no idea was coming your way. I just don't want you to have to go through that. I just want to save you from the big... Not that I can save you, but I want this advice to save you from the bigger pain.To save someone for the bigger pain, I agree with you. I think there are sometimes people, especially maybe in those early dating stages, where they get a little excited, they get a little ahead of themselves. What's your advice for managing expectations in a new relationship?So I have an interesting take on this. So when people say, How do you make expectations? How do you set expectations? I believe the expectation is completely insignificant and useless. And I'll tell you why. An expectation is a hope, a wish, or a want that something might happen, just hopefully, randomly, potentially. I don't want to live my life in expectations. I want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention. I want to live my life in saying, I'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship, and I'm going to see if the person is vulnerable back. I'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open because that doesn't give me anything. And so I remove expectations from pretty much every area of my life, and I go, how do I change that into intentions, action, and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun-filled relationship, I'm going to bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches. If they're on a lower frequency or a lower vibration, it will show you won't have to ask them because you can tell immediately. If you bring your best, it's like with an interview, you know when a guest brings their best energy.And now you were probably prepared anyway because you're a great interview, but you can bring your best energy, too. Now you're creating something amazing. But if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy off it, it starts creating... It could create something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a relationship on a much bigger scale.What is your advice for people that are in a relationship where both of the partners handle stress differently?That's such a great question. One of the things I've realized about stress recently is that oftentimes when we break a habit, for example, You want to be strict about what you eat, but chances are you break that habit when you're stressed. You want to be a nice, kind person, but chances are you compromise with that because you're stressed. I'm snappier with my wife when I'm stressed. I say things I don't want to say to my wife when I'm stressed. I won't say them to them if I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who you don't want to be. And so sometimes we're trying to manage our diet or we're trying to manage how we talk. It's like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human, a healthier human, a better person. When you handle stress differently, I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handles stress. And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like. So another thing, and it goes back to respecting, we have to respect unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally.There's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. But beneath that, if anything in your life, if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours, that creates issues. So in the book, I break down three fight styles. And the reason why I came up with the fight styles is because me and my wife would always argue and fight and have discussions. And we would never swear or raise our voices But we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matter sometimes and stuff that did matter. And I would walk away always thinking like she didn't care as much as me. I would always feel like she didn't love me as much as loved her because she had a different way of dealing with stress. So her way of dealing with stress was she wanted to lock herself in a room. She wanted to be quiet. She didn't want to talk to me. She just wanted space and time, and she would figure it out. And my way of dealing with stress is we're going to talk about it right now.We're going to talk about everything. I've got all the points laid out, the bullet points already, and that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give me some time. If I get to reflect and digest and introspect, I care. But I didn't think that. I think you don't care and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. Absolutely. And so my fight style, which I broke it down, is called venting, and her fight style is called hiding. And the third fight style in the book is called Exploding. And so a venter is me. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it right now. A hider is, I don't want to talk about it. I need space. And an exploter is, my emotions matter the most, and I just need to talk about how I feel emotionally. And so none of these are good or bad. None of these are better or worse. None of these are things to judge each other for. But when you know that's how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundary. So me and my wife will say, All right, you need two days.I want to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about in 12 hours. Let's find the space where you get enough space, but I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about it now. And now I'm dealing with stress healthier rather than saying, Oh, I don't like the way you deal with stress. You shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed.I love that. I think everyone in a relationship can immediately, if you're thinking right now about your relationship, you can pinpoint how you deal with stress. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, it was the same dynamic. I would be like, I need a minute. I'm going to go. And my boyfriend would be like, We need to talk about this. And he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you in this relationship. You don't care as much. And I'm like, Just because I don't want to talk immediately, I'm thinking about it up there, but I don't want to talk I'm not at it right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of, I know your need and I know my need, and let's find compromise. And it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, okay, we now have established, we know we both care. We are just handling it differently. Totally. And when you know that, even when I was up in the bedroom just ruminating on something, I still knew.I know he's there and he wants to talk, and we're going to figure this out. But you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you can actually then actually handle it. Yeah.And that's why I say respect, because it's like judging someone for putting their milk before their cereal, right? And it's like, you put your cereal before your milk. And you would never be like, I mean, some people get really passionate about this stuff, but generally, I would think that you wouldn't... But that is exactly how we deal with stress. It's that example. How do you do it? Cereal first, obviously. Okay, I was just checking. But again, no judgment. No judgment, but cereal first. But that's what I mean. We get so attached to how we have learned to process emotions. And we think, if you Don't process emotions like I do. You don't care. You don't love me. We're not in this together. And that's where we just create assumptions out of nothing. We start pushing the other person away. And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with that way, and we'll figure it out.I have one more final question, okay? What is the most common mistake people make in love?I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the epitome peak experience of love is only through romantic love. And I think people devalue the love a mother has for their kids, friends have for each other, people have for their brothers and sisters, the love kids have for their parents. There are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love. The biggest mistake we make is we think that this romantic relationship is the only place I get to give and receive love, which means I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said, Well, if you don't have someone in your life, then you are not worthy of love. And so we have a hierarchy of love where it's like romantic love's at the top. And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic, often they're family, often they're friendship, often they're people for society, like sacrifice. I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life.Studies show that 70% of people believe in soulmates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me that is perfect for me, and until I find them, everyone else is not that person. And I think that's a mistake we make in relationships because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work, not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person, fully formed, ready-made, waiting to come out of a box. And I think that's how we've been trained, like the perfect Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits inside a box that's shiny, sparkly, brand new. They're wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to wear. We can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are. And it's like, that person doesn't exist. But what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating individual that wants to make it work with you, and you want to make it work with them. And that's what makes you more special because you chose each other. You weren't meant for each other. If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice.That means it was just meant to be. But if you chose each other, that's what makes you special, and that's what makes them special, and that's what makes what you have special, because every day you're working against all odds to be together.It's such a good point. We said, the word growth and the effort that you're putting in is also why you're in love with that person. The issues you've gone through, the things that you've had to overcome, That's why I'm in love with my partner. That's why you're with your wife. It's like looking at what we've gone through and how we've gotten to this point. I don't want something that's easy. I want something that's worth the work and the effort. Jay Shetty, everyone go read your book. It is truly like there are exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading. I read this, and it is really incredible, Jay. You are able to do exercises that are very thought-provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future. So Jay Shetty, it was an absolute pleasure.Alex, thank you so much. You're so phenomenal in what you do. This is so fun. You're the sweetest. Honestly, I'm so grateful to you on such a deep level for doing this and to open me up to your beautiful community. Daddy Gings, I love you. Thank you so much..

having to check every minute detail, but you know it's going to be reciprocated. And the highest level is unconditional trust, which is like God-level trust, which, to be honest, beyond your parents, probably most people are never going to have it. But we want that so bad that someone does one nice thing for us. We're like, They're the best. They're amazing. I'm done. I love them. They're not like my ex at all. And it's like, Guys, they got one thing right. That's okay. That's great. And I'm not saying you're going to test the person. I'm just saying, just don't trust them based on a couple of things. And so I think pacing is what I would look at from a last relationship. I would look at how much you let them show you who they were versus you made them who you wanted them to be.

It's so fucking good, Jay, because I think you're so right. Everyone can fall on the spectrum of either you're someone that trusts so fast, and it's like, Wait, did you even know them? Now, all of a sudden, you're getting engaged, and it's like, Do you even know their childhood trauma? You don't know anything about them, and you've just trusted them to hold your heart and go forward. And it's like, Hold on. And then when one weird thing happens and you're going to your friend's crying, they're like, Well, did you ask him? And she's like, No. And I think the other side can be people that have a really hard time trusting. And even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past that's withholding you from being able to move forward. Because it's like, I've seen relationships. I've done it in the past, where they're like, I have literally done nothing. Why do you not trust me? And it's because I didn't heal in my past relationship where someone broke that trust. And so it's like, everyone's going to have a different level. But I think the pace is such an interesting concept because I know from my personal current relationship, we were in the pandemic.

It moved way too fast in the very beginning. I made a very, very hard, conscious decision that I worked on in therapy to slow it down. I love that. I was like, We need to go back and pretend we're not in the pandemic. We're spending so much time, which is great, but we're moving We can't move in together yet. We've only been dating for six fucking months. Hold on. I think you can always alter the pace. You're never too far gone. There's always times to reel it in, but you have to be with a partner that's willing to also adjust pace-wise and not be like, What the fuck are you talking about? We live together. We don't need to talk about that now. Well, no, I realized we've never had a conversation about X, Y, Z. So pacing can also be on your terms and you can dictate it, but you have to have a partner that's willing also to work with you I love the point you just made that it can change at any time.

This isn't like, Oh, I messed up in the beginning. It moved too fast. I'd say the same with me and my wife, actually. I'd say in the beginning, we moved know it's so uncomfortable sometimes, but having those hard conversations allows longevity in a relationship and it to grow. Because if you're not having that conversation, like you said, you're having so many in your head. I hate him for this. I hate her for this. I hate them for this. And then you're like, what are we doing here? So that's really cool that you do that with your wife. And if anything, I'm going to steal that from you because it's just a really mature way of basically saying, I'm giving giving you the opportunity to say anything to me, and I'm willing to hear it because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now. And I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on. And then you also know she's willing to hear it from you if you're like, Because I've been thinking about this.I know this is hard. I want to empathize with everyone. I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow. What I am saying I'm just trying to save people from wasting 10 years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't feel loved by. That's where this is coming from. This isn't coming from a place of I'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship. It's coming from a place of just I know how hurt people have been by relationships, and I know how much pain it causes when you feel blindsided and when you feel like you've just been surprised and someone just delivered you a big notice that you had no idea was coming your way. I just don't want you to have to go through that. I just want to save you from the big... Not that I can save you, but I want this advice to save you from the bigger pain.To save someone for the bigger pain, I agree with you. I think there are sometimes people, especially maybe in those early dating stages, where they get a little excited, they get a little ahead of themselves. What's your advice for managing expectations in a new relationship?So I have an interesting take on this. So when people say, How do you make expectations? How do you set expectations? I believe the expectation is completely insignificant and useless. And I'll tell you why. An expectation is a hope, a wish, or a want that something might happen, just hopefully, randomly, potentially. I don't want to live my life in expectations. I want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention. I want to live my life in saying, I'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship, and I'm going to see if the person is vulnerable back. I'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open because that doesn't give me anything. And so I remove expectations from pretty much every area of my life, and I go, how do I change that into intentions, action, and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun-filled relationship, I'm going to bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches. If they're on a lower frequency or a lower vibration, it will show you won't have to ask them because you can tell immediately. If you bring your best, it's like with an interview, you know when a guest brings their best energy.And now you were probably prepared anyway because you're a great interview, but you can bring your best energy, too. Now you're creating something amazing. But if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy off it, it starts creating... It could create something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a relationship on a much bigger scale.What is your advice for people that are in a relationship where both of the partners handle stress differently?That's such a great question. One of the things I've realized about stress recently is that oftentimes when we break a habit, for example, You want to be strict about what you eat, but chances are you break that habit when you're stressed. You want to be a nice, kind person, but chances are you compromise with that because you're stressed. I'm snappier with my wife when I'm stressed. I say things I don't want to say to my wife when I'm stressed. I won't say them to them if I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who you don't want to be. And so sometimes we're trying to manage our diet or we're trying to manage how we talk. It's like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human, a healthier human, a better person. When you handle stress differently, I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handles stress. And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like. So another thing, and it goes back to respecting, we have to respect unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally.There's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. But beneath that, if anything in your life, if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours, that creates issues. So in the book, I break down three fight styles. And the reason why I came up with the fight styles is because me and my wife would always argue and fight and have discussions. And we would never swear or raise our voices But we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matter sometimes and stuff that did matter. And I would walk away always thinking like she didn't care as much as me. I would always feel like she didn't love me as much as loved her because she had a different way of dealing with stress. So her way of dealing with stress was she wanted to lock herself in a room. She wanted to be quiet. She didn't want to talk to me. She just wanted space and time, and she would figure it out. And my way of dealing with stress is we're going to talk about it right now.We're going to talk about everything. I've got all the points laid out, the bullet points already, and that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give me some time. If I get to reflect and digest and introspect, I care. But I didn't think that. I think you don't care and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. Absolutely. And so my fight style, which I broke it down, is called venting, and her fight style is called hiding. And the third fight style in the book is called Exploding. And so a venter is me. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it right now. A hider is, I don't want to talk about it. I need space. And an exploter is, my emotions matter the most, and I just need to talk about how I feel emotionally. And so none of these are good or bad. None of these are better or worse. None of these are things to judge each other for. But when you know that's how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundary. So me and my wife will say, All right, you need two days.I want to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about in 12 hours. Let's find the space where you get enough space, but I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about it now. And now I'm dealing with stress healthier rather than saying, Oh, I don't like the way you deal with stress. You shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed.I love that. I think everyone in a relationship can immediately, if you're thinking right now about your relationship, you can pinpoint how you deal with stress. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, it was the same dynamic. I would be like, I need a minute. I'm going to go. And my boyfriend would be like, We need to talk about this. And he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you in this relationship. You don't care as much. And I'm like, Just because I don't want to talk immediately, I'm thinking about it up there, but I don't want to talk I'm not at it right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of, I know your need and I know my need, and let's find compromise. And it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, okay, we now have established, we know we both care. We are just handling it differently. Totally. And when you know that, even when I was up in the bedroom just ruminating on something, I still knew.I know he's there and he wants to talk, and we're going to figure this out. But you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you can actually then actually handle it. Yeah.And that's why I say respect, because it's like judging someone for putting their milk before their cereal, right? And it's like, you put your cereal before your milk. And you would never be like, I mean, some people get really passionate about this stuff, but generally, I would think that you wouldn't... But that is exactly how we deal with stress. It's that example. How do you do it? Cereal first, obviously. Okay, I was just checking. But again, no judgment. No judgment, but cereal first. But that's what I mean. We get so attached to how we have learned to process emotions. And we think, if you Don't process emotions like I do. You don't care. You don't love me. We're not in this together. And that's where we just create assumptions out of nothing. We start pushing the other person away. And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with that way, and we'll figure it out.I have one more final question, okay? What is the most common mistake people make in love?I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the epitome peak experience of love is only through romantic love. And I think people devalue the love a mother has for their kids, friends have for each other, people have for their brothers and sisters, the love kids have for their parents. There are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love. The biggest mistake we make is we think that this romantic relationship is the only place I get to give and receive love, which means I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said, Well, if you don't have someone in your life, then you are not worthy of love. And so we have a hierarchy of love where it's like romantic love's at the top. And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic, often they're family, often they're friendship, often they're people for society, like sacrifice. I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life.Studies show that 70% of people believe in soulmates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me that is perfect for me, and until I find them, everyone else is not that person. And I think that's a mistake we make in relationships because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work, not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person, fully formed, ready-made, waiting to come out of a box. And I think that's how we've been trained, like the perfect Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits inside a box that's shiny, sparkly, brand new. They're wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to wear. We can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are. And it's like, that person doesn't exist. But what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating individual that wants to make it work with you, and you want to make it work with them. And that's what makes you more special because you chose each other. You weren't meant for each other. If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice.That means it was just meant to be. But if you chose each other, that's what makes you special, and that's what makes them special, and that's what makes what you have special, because every day you're working against all odds to be together.It's such a good point. We said, the word growth and the effort that you're putting in is also why you're in love with that person. The issues you've gone through, the things that you've had to overcome, That's why I'm in love with my partner. That's why you're with your wife. It's like looking at what we've gone through and how we've gotten to this point. I don't want something that's easy. I want something that's worth the work and the effort. Jay Shetty, everyone go read your book. It is truly like there are exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading. I read this, and it is really incredible, Jay. You are able to do exercises that are very thought-provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future. So Jay Shetty, it was an absolute pleasure.Alex, thank you so much. You're so phenomenal in what you do. This is so fun. You're the sweetest. Honestly, I'm so grateful to you on such a deep level for doing this and to open me up to your beautiful community. Daddy Gings, I love you. Thank you so much..

know it's so uncomfortable sometimes, but having those hard conversations allows longevity in a relationship and it to grow. Because if you're not having that conversation, like you said, you're having so many in your head. I hate him for this. I hate her for this. I hate them for this. And then you're like, what are we doing here? So that's really cool that you do that with your wife. And if anything, I'm going to steal that from you because it's just a really mature way of basically saying, I'm giving giving you the opportunity to say anything to me, and I'm willing to hear it because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now. And I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on. And then you also know she's willing to hear it from you if you're like, Because I've been thinking about this.

I know this is hard. I want to empathize with everyone. I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow. What I am saying I'm just trying to save people from wasting 10 years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't feel loved by. That's where this is coming from. This isn't coming from a place of I'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship. It's coming from a place of just I know how hurt people have been by relationships, and I know how much pain it causes when you feel blindsided and when you feel like you've just been surprised and someone just delivered you a big notice that you had no idea was coming your way. I just don't want you to have to go through that. I just want to save you from the big... Not that I can save you, but I want this advice to save you from the bigger pain.

To save someone for the bigger pain, I agree with you. I think there are sometimes people, especially maybe in those early dating stages, where they get a little excited, they get a little ahead of themselves. What's your advice for managing expectations in a new relationship?

So I have an interesting take on this. So when people say, How do you make expectations? How do you set expectations? I believe the expectation is completely insignificant and useless. And I'll tell you why. An expectation is a hope, a wish, or a want that something might happen, just hopefully, randomly, potentially. I don't want to live my life in expectations. I want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention. I want to live my life in saying, I'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship, and I'm going to see if the person is vulnerable back. I'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open because that doesn't give me anything. And so I remove expectations from pretty much every area of my life, and I go, how do I change that into intentions, action, and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun-filled relationship, I'm going to bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches. If they're on a lower frequency or a lower vibration, it will show you won't have to ask them because you can tell immediately. If you bring your best, it's like with an interview, you know when a guest brings their best energy.

And now you were probably prepared anyway because you're a great interview, but you can bring your best energy, too. Now you're creating something amazing. But if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy off it, it starts creating... It could create something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a relationship on a much bigger scale.

What is your advice for people that are in a relationship where both of the partners handle stress differently?

That's such a great question. One of the things I've realized about stress recently is that oftentimes when we break a habit, for example, You want to be strict about what you eat, but chances are you break that habit when you're stressed. You want to be a nice, kind person, but chances are you compromise with that because you're stressed. I'm snappier with my wife when I'm stressed. I say things I don't want to say to my wife when I'm stressed. I won't say them to them if I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who you don't want to be. And so sometimes we're trying to manage our diet or we're trying to manage how we talk. It's like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human, a healthier human, a better person. When you handle stress differently, I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handles stress. And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like. So another thing, and it goes back to respecting, we have to respect unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally.

There's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. But beneath that, if anything in your life, if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours, that creates issues. So in the book, I break down three fight styles. And the reason why I came up with the fight styles is because me and my wife would always argue and fight and have discussions. And we would never swear or raise our voices But we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matter sometimes and stuff that did matter. And I would walk away always thinking like she didn't care as much as me. I would always feel like she didn't love me as much as loved her because she had a different way of dealing with stress. So her way of dealing with stress was she wanted to lock herself in a room. She wanted to be quiet. She didn't want to talk to me. She just wanted space and time, and she would figure it out. And my way of dealing with stress is we're going to talk about it right now.

We're going to talk about everything. I've got all the points laid out, the bullet points already, and that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give me some time. If I get to reflect and digest and introspect, I care. But I didn't think that. I think you don't care and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. Absolutely. And so my fight style, which I broke it down, is called venting, and her fight style is called hiding. And the third fight style in the book is called Exploding. And so a venter is me. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it right now. A hider is, I don't want to talk about it. I need space. And an exploter is, my emotions matter the most, and I just need to talk about how I feel emotionally. And so none of these are good or bad. None of these are better or worse. None of these are things to judge each other for. But when you know that's how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundary. So me and my wife will say, All right, you need two days.

I want to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about in 12 hours. Let's find the space where you get enough space, but I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about it now. And now I'm dealing with stress healthier rather than saying, Oh, I don't like the way you deal with stress. You shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed.

I love that. I think everyone in a relationship can immediately, if you're thinking right now about your relationship, you can pinpoint how you deal with stress. In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, it was the same dynamic. I would be like, I need a minute. I'm going to go. And my boyfriend would be like, We need to talk about this. And he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you in this relationship. You don't care as much. And I'm like, Just because I don't want to talk immediately, I'm thinking about it up there, but I don't want to talk I'm not at it right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of, I know your need and I know my need, and let's find compromise. And it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, okay, we now have established, we know we both care. We are just handling it differently. Totally. And when you know that, even when I was up in the bedroom just ruminating on something, I still knew.

I know he's there and he wants to talk, and we're going to figure this out. But you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you can actually then actually handle it. Yeah.

And that's why I say respect, because it's like judging someone for putting their milk before their cereal, right? And it's like, you put your cereal before your milk. And you would never be like, I mean, some people get really passionate about this stuff, but generally, I would think that you wouldn't... But that is exactly how we deal with stress. It's that example. How do you do it? Cereal first, obviously. Okay, I was just checking. But again, no judgment. No judgment, but cereal first. But that's what I mean. We get so attached to how we have learned to process emotions. And we think, if you Don't process emotions like I do. You don't care. You don't love me. We're not in this together. And that's where we just create assumptions out of nothing. We start pushing the other person away. And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with that way, and we'll figure it out.

I have one more final question, okay? What is the most common mistake people make in love?

I think the biggest mistake people make in love is that they think the epitome peak experience of love is only through romantic love. And I think people devalue the love a mother has for their kids, friends have for each other, people have for their brothers and sisters, the love kids have for their parents. There are so many opportunities in life to give and receive love. The biggest mistake we make is we think that this romantic relationship is the only place I get to give and receive love, which means I know single moms who love their kids with all their heart and their kids love them back, but they don't feel like that's enough because society has said, Well, if you don't have someone in your life, then you are not worthy of love. And so we have a hierarchy of love where it's like romantic love's at the top. And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic, often they're family, often they're friendship, often they're people for society, like sacrifice. I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life.

Studies show that 70% of people believe in soulmates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me that is perfect for me, and until I find them, everyone else is not that person. And I think that's a mistake we make in relationships because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work, not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person, fully formed, ready-made, waiting to come out of a box. And I think that's how we've been trained, like the perfect Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits inside a box that's shiny, sparkly, brand new. They're wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to wear. We can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are. And it's like, that person doesn't exist. But what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating individual that wants to make it work with you, and you want to make it work with them. And that's what makes you more special because you chose each other. You weren't meant for each other. If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice.

That means it was just meant to be. But if you chose each other, that's what makes you special, and that's what makes them special, and that's what makes what you have special, because every day you're working against all odds to be together.

It's such a good point. We said, the word growth and the effort that you're putting in is also why you're in love with that person. The issues you've gone through, the things that you've had to overcome, That's why I'm in love with my partner. That's why you're with your wife. It's like looking at what we've gone through and how we've gotten to this point. I don't want something that's easy. I want something that's worth the work and the effort. Jay Shetty, everyone go read your book. It is truly like there are exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading. I read this, and it is really incredible, Jay. You are able to do exercises that are very thought-provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future. So Jay Shetty, it was an absolute pleasure.

Alex, thank you so much. You're so phenomenal in what you do. This is so fun. You're the sweetest. Honestly, I'm so grateful to you on such a deep level for doing this and to open me up to your beautiful community. Daddy Gings, I love you. Thank you so much..