What is up, daddy? Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with call her daddy, daddy Owen Thiel. Welcome to call her daddy.

Thank you.

Let's talk about your childhood trauma.

Wait, actually, let's dive in. I'm not kidding. Let's actually dive in.

Okay. Okay. First of all.

Yeah?

We have to explain to everyone what the fuck is going on, okay? Because we have been friends, and then as we've been friends, we decided, why the fuck are we not working together? And obviously, well, that's not what really happened.

I think I pressured you into working with me.

No, this is not true.

Okay, kind of a little. Just admit it, okay? Admit it for the cameras, at least.

Okay. That would be a lie, though, because let me tell you something I will never forget. Obviously, we've hung out. And, like, I'm like, he's so funny. He's so funny. He's so funny. Then we are at a party, and you start talking about how you never, like, you're always on the phone. You're calling your mom at 03:00 a.m. and I am hysterically laughing. And people are laughing at you. But I'm in the corner, like, no one's laughing.

You are laughing. Everyone else is like, oh, and I.

Need to find the video for you. I start filming you at the party, like, and I'm filming you because I'm thinking you're so funny that I'm like, I need to remember this in the morning. Like, my mind.

You're filming to send to people to be like, this man is seriously needs help. Like, take him away. Oh, no.

I'm like, I need to show this to my company because he needs to fucking work with us. You are so funny. You are so talented. And now you are officially launching a show on the unwell network. It is like, full fucking circle. However, I couldn't remember this morning. When the fuck was the first time we met? When the fuck was the first time we met?

It was at a. A party. A young Hollywood party. And. Yes. And you were sitting at a table. I remember this so distinctly. And I walked up to you because you were sitting with a friend of mine, and I walked up to you being like, hi. Thank you. Pretending. Do you ever do that thing with, like, people that you're obsessed with? Pretend like you don't know who they are? So I was like, sure, hi. Someone sitting here, literally, like, okay, whatever. Sit down next to you. Literally. And then I was like, perform. I remember performing. I remember performing.

I do remember that. And I remember being like, why am I at this party? Like, I didn't know anyone. Like, I didn't know. And you made me feel so comfortable.

Well, I was performing.

No one.

I was obsessed with you.

I was literally auditioning.

I was auditioning for unwell.

And then the last time we were together, we were at a party and we were playing charades together, and we were so fucking bad. And I was peeing my pants, though.

Horrible.

I was so bad.

I can't play charades, cuz I'm okay. Is that the game? Wait, what's the. What's. Heads up. Heads up. Heads up. Heads up. Assets up. So I'm playing heads up. Okay, this is what I do. In heads up, you drop the phone, and then you go, oops. Drop the phone. You see the name, then you pick it back up. You're like, didn't see that. And then you're like, wait, Ellen DeGeneres comes to you, bad bunny. Everyone's like, yeah, I always cheat. I'm trying. I always lie to. On podcasts. On podcasts especially. I lie. So I might.

Are you just gonna lie here today?

I'm gonna lie hundred percent. I'm gonna lie through this whole podcast. So I was on Love island, season two. You might not have seen. So I just lie the whole way through. Um, no, I do. Yeah. I cheat and I lie. I know my boyfriend watches this, and.

I was like, I cheat and I lie. However, you always have good lip gloss.

That's so true.

Right? I think the first, like, couple times that I've ever seen you in, like, person, I always saw you holding road peptide serum. And you're like. You're not even, like, putting on your lips. You're eating it.

No, you're eating. I squirted in my mouth. You. Can I be honest? That's actually how you stay thin. I'm not kidding. A little bit of road.

Mmm.

Delicious. It does taste good. But I'm serious. I've asked Hayley. I've said, can you eat it? She goes, I think it's fine. I was like, think. I know. I was like, I'm alive. I'm standing.

You look amazing today.

You're not on a. I'm wearing so much. Oh, well, you know my thing about ozempic.

Yeah, let's talk about the Ozempic.

Okay, so I am not on Ozempic. I just want to put that out there. I want to make a statement to everyone who cares, to all my fans who know, to all the people that.

Know me, but I think a lot of people will think you are, because you look so good. So just tiny.

I'm wasting away. No, I am not on ozempic, but I did purchase Ozempic. Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And so I haven't shot up because I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid. I'm like, what is Ozempic? What is this white stuff? What is. What is this white cream creamy liquid you're ingesting? It's, like, horrible. So anyways, I haven't shot up, but every time I open my fridge, I see the ozempic. So I'm like, I think I'm on that Sibo effect. It's emotional ozempic. I'm coining it. I'm coining it. Emotional ozempic.

Every morning you see it, you're like, ugh, I'm skinny legend, 100%.

Okay, so, Owen, I actually don't even look that fake.

You're on Ozempic, which we love for you. Thank you. I remember that you posted a picture. First of all, you are doing a television series based loosely on your life.

It's based on my life. It hasn't been picked up yet. So let's knock on.

Knock on her.

Knock on wood. That Amazon is watching this being like, we need to pick that up.

Let me just tell you something.

Yeah.

I don't know exactly what it's gonna be about, but one of my favorite movies of all time is cheaper by the dozen. And when I was scrolling through your instagram, and at the last, you guys go to Owen's Instagram and it is like an Amazon picture of potential show about to run of your life. You scroll and there is a family fucking photo of your family. And it is giving cheaper by the dozen through and through. There are so many of you.

So many. All white.

All white.

Yeah.

And then there's you.

Yeah.

Can you explain, like, the feels like, what is happening? What is your family vibe?

Okay, so first of all, my grandma and grandpa have been divorced so many times and remarried. So, like, we have a lot of step half. Like, just. There's a crazy family. My grandma likes to fuck. My grandma gets down. She's actually just passed away, so I love you. She would actually love that. I'm not kidding. She's looking down at me like, I do fuck. Anyways, so she remarried a lot of times and we had a lot of. I have a lot of aunts and uncles. I have like eight aunts and uncle or nine aunts and uncles. It's insane.

I'm sorry, I'm not over your grandma. Can we have a moment for your grandma?

Wait, what should we do? A moment of silence.

Yeah. I don't know if.

Can I tell you something? I. Whenever I do a moment of silence, I have to talk through it.

Okay. Like, grandma. Let's do a little sounds for grandma. Grandma. I don't know. It's your grandma.

I'll start it. Nanny. That's what I called her. Nanny. You're fucking iconic. You were always so nice to me, and you always let me wear your lip gloss. She did, actually. She was obsessed with it. She was obsessed with me being gay. It's like a thing. You fucked a lot of men, and I think you were honestly fluid. I think you were queer, and I don't think you ever told me that, but I'm just guessing. So, grandma, I love you. I love you, Queen. Queen. I love you, lesbian queen. No, I do think she's fluent.

Really? Do you think any of her partners were women?

No. A lot of her partners were gay men, which makes sense, right?

And then she loved you so much, it was like she felt capable of.

Oh, my God.

Wait, hold on. In that way.

She's trying to fuck me. Wait, I just had a.

Wait.

Now I'm freaking out. Now I don't feel close to her. I'm like, oh, my God, now I know why you were touching my leg.

I'm sweating. Are you sweating?

I'm not sweating yet, but I will.

Can I get it down to 67?

Wait, what is it now? 69. Oh, my grandma. My grandma's, like, opening her legs in there.

She's in heaven.

Fucking 100%.

Okay, so, okay, we have grandma. She was fucking.

She was fucking.

Was grandpa ho or.

No, grandpa wasn't a hoe. Grandpa was like, a quiet hoe. Do you know what I mean?

Those are kind of the best.

No, obviously, he was hot when he was young. He's gonna watch this, actually. Peace. Actually.

You're objectifying your grandparents.

He's also 97 years old. This will be his. He will watch this, and I. We will be taking him to. Yeah, no, we will take. We will be burying him. He will watch this, and we will be ultimately digging a grave. He's amazing. So, yeah, so I have a lot of aunts and uncles, but my story is that I was adopted at birth from Houston, Texas. Shout out. So, Beyonce's from Houston, Texas. I secretly think that Tina Knowles is my mom. So I think that she gave me up because she was like, I have two stars. I have. I have Solange and Beyonce. I can't have another. That's my theory. Because if you look at my face, it's very similar to Beyonce's. Very similar.

I really see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, no, I. There is something that's similar also. The aura is just so similar. And the voice too is.

Hit us with a voice. Hit us up. Get us a little halo, halo, halo.

I actually sing.

Oh.

But I'm not gonna sing right now.

Do it right now.

No, no, I can't.

You a piece of shit. It's your moment. Make a wish or not. Like, do my.

Make a wish is this. Yeah. Now I don't need another thing. Do you know what I mean? I don't need to become a pop star too.

You guys bring Beyonce in. I do have a surprise. I surprise for you. Bring her. No kidding. Oh, I actually bring in the mom, Tina.

She's my mom. I'm not kidding. If I saw her, I would start to cry because I'd be like. I would have a. What's that thing when you. I would have a maternal inst. Oh, wait, she would have a uterus. Okay. Anyways, so I. I'm from this big white jewish family. I was adopted at birth.

Yes.

This. These white people picked me up. They were like, I'll be your white saviors. Cut that. And they.

And what are you in line of? Like, how many siblings do you have? Zero.

I'm an only child.

The golden child.

But I have so, so, so many cousins. I have like thousands of cousins. I can't even name them. I have too many. But I'm the only child. How crazy. I think only children are freaks gonna cure cancer. And I think they'll also kill your. Do you know what I mean? They will. They're hiding bodies. And they also will do something. They'll also write, like, the next great american novel.

I was about to say, like, were you as a child in your house, like, bored or like, what were you up to? Cuz you're an only child.

Because my mom is my best friend, but it's. It sounds like, oh, my mom's my best friend. No, no. Like, it's different. Like, my boyfriend broke up with me first year of college.

Okay, okay.

And my mom comes to New York. I went to NYU.

Okay.

For a day because of. I was so emotional from this break. I had to drop out. But my mom came to. Came to New York.

Okay.

Lived in my dorm with me for two weeks and was like, just like. She was like, I need to be your comfort animal. I need to be your spirit.

Did you have a roommate?

No, I. Oh, well, that's another story.

Oh, okay. We'll get there. We're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna start.

Okay. Okay.

And then we're gonna go. Okay. Okay. So where did you grow up? Here.

Here? Yeah. Oh, how sad.

Kind of loud.

Do you meet people from LA? Do you meet LA natives and are like, I hate you.

Okay, so I remember when I lived in New York City and I had a lot of, like, things online that I was trying to, like, look up. Like, what is the vibe of LA? And a lot of people were like, ooh. Like, the people that are from LA are like fucking pieces of shit. They're like losers. Whatever. And I was like, I don't know. Then I met Matt, my husband, and I was like, wait, I actually. Shut up. And I was like, I actually feel like the people that are from LA are way more normal. And normal is uselessly but normal, because in the transplants, we're all just trying hard to be here and fit in and everything.

You guys are tryhards. We're the original.

Yes. I'm a fucking loser. You're cool.

Matt's cool.

Now I'm cooler by association because I'm married to a guy that's from the valley.

So wait, where did Matt grow up?

Literally, the valley, like Encino. He went to Campbell hall. Literally, Matt went to Campbell hall.

Bring in fly in Matt. Fly in Matt.

Ding, ding.

Mattie. That's amazing.

Campbell hall. And wait, is Oakwood young?

That's where my mom went to Oakwood. My mom went to Elkwood. Wait, are they in the same grade? That's literally 50 years younger.

Honestly, he is an older man. Okay, can I spit a fact at you and tell me if this is right? I read recently that your grandpa, the ho, himself, was Marilyn Monroe's agent.

Yeah.

Does that make you a Nepo baby?

And my grandma, the one who was married to the hoe, is. Bless, bless up. Bless up was Grace Kelly's bridesmaid. Like, iconic bridesmaid.

You're literally an EPO baby.

Don't think I'm a nepo baby because what else did they do?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Has my grandpa helped me? No. Marilyn's been dead for 50 years. That man hasn't had a job. And I don't know how long. Trust me. I go to. I've begged you. I've begged.

Come on, grandpa.

Before I went to, it was either college or start my career, and I went to my grandpa, and I said, what are we gonna do? He said, college. He looks at me, he goes, college. Love college.

And you're like, you don't want to, like, you know, pay for my apartment and set me up, get me a little. Okay, so you're not a nepo, but it's kind of fun to protagonize it, I think.

Can I be honest? I think I'm a Nepo friend. My friends happen to be very talented and famous.

So true.

So I think that by association, I'm a Nepo friend. I'm always asking them, I'm knocking the door. Will you put me in that?

Right, but you're kind of like a social climber.

I walk out, I storm out, I leave. Yeah, no social climbing. 100%. No, I. No, but 100%. I would love to do a PSa. Being like, I think it's okay to.

Be a social abso. How do you get ahead in life? Sorry, you fucking.

No, but also, I will say the people that I've technically social climbed on are, like, the most amazing. Like, I would love. Like, I would choose them if they were.

We're joking. We're joking.

If they were peasants.

We're joking.

And did you not?

They're literally, like, some of the most famous people in the world. It's fine. Okay, listen to me. Tell me, because of your big family. Yes. How did it go, introducing a boyfriend to the family? Like, when Jared met your whole family, did he like them?

I would have boyfriend before Jared, obviously, but in high school.

And is he your second boyfriend?

Jared's my second boyfriend.

And you've been together for ten years?

It'll be ten years this year. It's so scary.

Ten years.

Ten years.

And you guys, whenever you're IAC, you guys, like, you're so in love.

That's so nice.

No, it is. And, like, ten years, you see us at home.

Not like that. We're like, I'm gonna sleep in that room tonight. You're gonna sleep on the couch. I. Perfect love. You. Kiss like this. We touch hands. We don't even kiss anymore. And we're gay. And I feel like in a gay community, you're. There's. Everyone's open and having fun, and. And I. And. Which I love and I respect, and I just personally can't do it. I've had one threesome in my life, and I got so overwhelmed. And honestly, I was like, I'm not even attracted to you. I was looking at him like, I was looking at his pores, his eyebrows. I was like, nice nose. So I left Jared in the room, and I went to the bathroom and did my whole skin routine. So I came out with a face mask on. Literally looked at the guy, said, he come yet? Jared said, not yet. I said, I'll give you guys five. I left, came back. He came. He was on the bed. He was like, literally, the guy was cuddled up on the bed. I looked at Jared. I said, he's not sleeping here. Jared said, I think we have to. I was like, get them the fuck out.

He heard the whole conversation. He was like, I'll leave, I'll leave, I'll leave. I was like, no, that wasn't about you. That was about my dog.

No, Owen, refined mid threesome. You're. Where did you guys meet this guy? On an app.

Okay, so this is the story. We met him on an app.

Okay.

I was on an app called Field for 1 second. But what is Field? Field is like this. Like, I think you're, like, you're exploring. You're having threesomes. You're into BDSM. You're a brat tamer. I just turned that. I just found this out. Brat tamer.

What is a brat tamer?

It's like when one person's a brat in bed and one's the brat tamer. Oh, how hot.

What are you?

Well, I think I'm always kind of a brat, right? If I'm leaving the room during a threesome, I think I'm pretty much a brat.

You're a fucking brat.

You're not the tamer. You think I'm a bratzen? Um, if I was the tamer, but who's the brat then? Oh, my God. Um, no, so I. Yeah, so I left during the threesome. Oh, so, okay.

No, so you met.

So we met. So we met on field. Okay, okay. But I only used Jared's photos because I was like, no, I was in theater camp. I was. I'm famous, owen. Literally three minutes of a movie, I go, I can't be on the zob. You're like, know who I am to, by the way, jared, Emma Chamberlain, stylist. Got more comments being like, hey, love your work. I put my face up. No one says anything like Jared.

You're nobody. I am like, I make no moves.

Massive. I'm cute.

They're gonna want it to use us to get my connections to get in the industry. It's literally sitting there. Like, if you go to his instruments, like Sabrina Carpenter, Emma, you're like, jared, it's me. They're looking for you. Be the front facing. Okay. So you put Jared's also hilarious.

I've been pictured with Emma, who I love so dearly, and sabrina, who I love so dearly in the back. And Jared's next to me, and everyone's like, jared, jared. And I'm like, I'll comment from fake owen. I'll literally try anything.

You have 17 Vega galaxies. Oh, my God. Owen looks amazing there.

Lat tamer 212 says owen. Activation point.

Owen, fan club 418 goes. Owen, you run your own fan club.

Literally wearing those jeans again. Owen, change your outfit, girl. No, we met this guy.

Okay, whatever you get through story.

He, he really, I think, thought he was just meeting up with Jared, which ended up being kind of what happened. Good luck. Good luck, babe. No, so he met, he came to the house, we were talking for a second, and then it just starts. Well, it was so awkward.

Do you drink at all?

I was like, no. So I drink, of course, but I didn't drink that night. So I was like, but I offered him, and he said he was sober. So I said, obviously, me too. Yeah. I was like, no, I'm sober for years. But I lied to him about being sober fully, of course. And then we sat next to him on the couch, and he was sitting in the middle, and I was looking at Jared and Jared was looking at me. We were both like. And Jared was like. I was like, no, he thinks it's you. He thinks he only saw your face. He now thinks he doesn't know what's happening.

He doesn't even know you guys are help.

He doesn't know. Yeah, exactly. He's like, who the fuck is this? You. You two times us. You brought two random freaks here. I'm like, no, I'm the boyfriend of ten years. Anyway, so I'm sitting with this guy. Then we start making out.

Do you initiate or is it Jared?

I initiate. Cause I'm like, fuck it.

Is Jared gonna freak out that you're telling the story?

Not at all.

He's like, ah, get it.

I know. We call him. He will probably. Okay, perfectly love you, Jared, but it's my story. So he, they. I start making out. Jared and him start making out. Then I'm like, I'm just gonna elevate this. So I, like, straddle him, right?

Boom, boom.

We're making outd. Horrible kisser. So I'm like, I'm just done. I get. And then I, like, back up and I do this, like, cute romantic thing where you, like, look at someone's face, but I've been in a relationship for so long that I realized you shouldn't do this in a threesome. But I look at his face and I'm like, you know what I mean? Like, so sex in the city vibe.

So in your head you're like, I literally hate you. And you're not cute a hundred percent.

But as I'm saying, you're so cute. I'm looking at his face and I'm like, no, he's cute. He's cute.

Excuse.

So then I'm like, jared, take over, babe. Jared takes over. They move to the bed. We move to the bedroom. On the way to the bedroom, I peel off. No, Owen. I take a right hand, turn into the bathroom, I go, I'll be right in. Peeing, peeing. I'm so hard. I have to pee. I'm peeing. I'm like, fuck it. I'm not gonna deal with that. That's not for me. So I go, actually, I really wanted to take my skin more seriously. So I was like, and now is actually the time.

So it's Jared. Like, babe, get the fuck in here. He's just like, Owen.

I actually think Jared was having the fucking time of his life. Which is actually a problem. Which is actually now that I'm think now that I'm retelling the story, I'm like, well, Jared and I will be broken up by the time you're like.

Mid scrub looking in and he's like not even wondering where you are. Like, what the thrills, Jared?

I'm actually calling it him saying, all good. He's not responding cuz he's getting mouth fucked. Jared's gonna have a panic.

Jared is gonna have a panic. I'm gonna lose all my clients. Your clients are gonna like you more, don't worry.

Yes, it's a good thing.

I'm gonna think about. Fuck.

Are you kidding?

Emma's like, look at Sabrina.

She sings about. That's that me espresso. That's that me espresso, honey. Um, I so. Oh my God. Would have been a really fun song to kind of you like, turn it.

Up and you're walking the room.

Hey, I go la, get up. Whoa. Talking about I'm straddling it. Whoa. Okay.

Anyways, anyway, so you don't do the threesome.

I know, I'm like, I'm done with that. I don't want to do that.

And afterwards when you kick him out, is Jared like, what the fuck happened? Or he's just like, I don't care.

Like Jared says, you want to talk about that? And I say, talk about what? And then he, of course. But he's like, talk about what? And I'm like, yeah, what? And we look at each other, and then he's like, night. And he crawls into bed. We go to bed, happy as a clam. Wake up. Forgot it happened. And then that man. Then I went to. I was invited to one event I've ever been invited to. One event. No, the one event I was invited to was this gorgeous event in Palm Springs. I'm like, I'm invited. I'm like, holy shit, right?

So you gotta go.

I'm like, I have to fucking go. So I go, obviously, they invite me. The Palm Springs one, I have to drive 3 hours. They're like, it's for Palm Springs locals, but you can come. So I drive 3 hours. I'm sitting there, and this guy goes, can I take a photo of you? And I go, yeah. And it's the guy.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck. What do you say? Nothing.

I look at him, he looks at me, and we both choose to not acknowledge each other. No, to ignore it. So I go, of course. You could take a picture. He goes. Takes it. And he goes, I think this angle is gonna be better. I go, you know my angles, Owen. Literally, we. I.

We ignore it, and you just move the fuck on.

I text Jared being like, threesome guys here. Jared's like, what? What? Like, he's like, so he's like, I want to come. I'm like, again, red flag, right?

You're like, I'm not fucking him.

Taking photos of me. Um, yeah, so that's him.

And is that the last threesome that you had?

That was the last threesome we had. Jared's angling for another.

And how are you feeling?

Obviously, like, I kind of want to do my skin routine.

I'm kind of bored by threesome. It's like, you have sex in the other room, and I will be on my back.

Okay, so Jared has never. Jared, I'm his first. I'm his first of everything. So I really do think I want to be the partner that's like, get it out of your system. Yes.

Like, go.

And I'm so lucky that I can kind of be there while he's doing it. Do you know what I mean? Because he's not falling in love.

We. That's why I was gonna say, you don't get jealous?

No, not at all. No, I used to. Mmm, fun. I was so jealous.

Wait, what changed?

Is there crying?

No. You're like, you know.

No, I. I don't know what changed, actually. I think I just. I'm so secure in my relationship now that I'm like, I think if you fuck someone else, you'll still kind of come back.

Right? Like, you're fine. Like, you know that, like, what you have is stronger than that. And you also are, like, able to see, separate the, like, insecurity of him moving on where you're like, no, no, no. I actually want you to have fun and experience other things, but I know our emotional connection will never beat that.

And by the way, he. I think that now and then, I'm like, I'm. He could meet somebody tomorrow and be like. But I think for right now, ten years. Ten years? Yeah. Ten years. So crazy.

Are you interested in marriage or. No. You want to just, like, be in.

Of course.

Oh, you are? Are you?

Oh, my God. I want your wedding. Can I have your exact wedding?

Yeah, I will, like, literally plan.

I'm not kidding.

I got you.

I really want marriage. I'm very, like, traditional in that way.

Yeah.

I'm like, I want to have kids. I want to. I want to get married. I want to wear that white, gorgeous dress on the aisle. No, I won't wear that.

But you won't. You would look so cute.

Oh, cute and, like, a.

Like, a fun princess. Like, big, like, ball gown.

Okay. I want to. I want a wedding.

Okay. Can we talk about your late night situation? So, tell me when Owen and I. Like, I was saying earlier, when we met. Well, no. When we were at a party together, you were talking about how you would always call your mom at night, and I was dying laughing, and I thought it was the funniest thing. And so when we had some of our first meetings about, like, what your show was going to be about, it was not even a question that, like, you were going to basically do a podcast at nighttime because. What, you're fucking nocturnal, Morgan.

Okay, so, first of all, I sleep like, this isn't a bit. This is not a bit. And I feel like doctors do watch this, and doctors are now gonna be reaching out to me, being like, I think they're fans. They're actually not. They're actually worried about me. Yes. I sleep an hour and a half to 2 hours a night, Owen. Like, seriously? Three to five is when I sleep.

Three to five in the morning.

Three in the morning. 03:00 a.m. to 05:00 a.m. yeah. And sometimes it's, like, 430, and I'm up and I'm like, whoo. I'm like, up. I'm like, soulcycle, you open, girl. Coming to you. Like, whoo. Riding the bike. No one's in there. It's 04:00 a.m. um, I I'm up. Like, I'm really up.

Are you tired?

No, I don't get tired.

What?

And I don't take naps.

What? What is wrong? Oh, my God. And you, like, are, like, so young and vibrant. Like, what is happening?

I think I'm gonna age really rapidly. No, I think it's gonna. Ultimately, the collagen will sink.

Yeah. And then the botox.

And then I'm pulling my face. Someone's holding my face back in Idaho.

Um, so what do you do during the night while Jared is sleeping?

Oh, my God. I call everyone. Okay, I'll talk to everyone. Also, I've made. I've made friends in different countries.

What?

So that I could call them. So one of my dear friends, who's a six year old woman, is in Peru.

Hold on, hold on.

She's in Peru. So I'm like, hey, Jill. She's like, hey. I'm like, what time is it? She's like, 02:00 p.m. like, whoa, it's.

04:00 a.m. wait, who is Jill?

Jill is this random six year old woman who I become friends with. How so? Her kids went to my high school, and I just became friends with the mom. That's weird.

I feel like you have literally so many random things like that.

I'm obsessed with, like, six year old women. Like, 60 year old women are, like, my. Like, that's, like, my niche.

Really?

That's the only people gonna listen to the podcast.

It's giving.

It's, like, demographic 100%.

You are pulling in a new demographic for unwell six year old women. Fuck. I'm turn them on to Harry. Josie.

They're gonna be loving Alex. Earl.

Oh, my God.

It's six year old women. No, but I do have friends. Like, one of my friends is in Paris and is she 60? No, no, she's just my age. She's actually my age, but she lives in Paris, and I talk to her all night. And your mother and my mom, I call all night, and my mom stays up because I'm up, which is so unhealthy. Mom, get help.

And gets what is a normal conversation at 03:00 a.m. with your mother. Like, well, we've.

We're so close, and we talk every second of the day that it's kind of just like. She's like, are you in bed? I'm like, yeah. Are you? And Jared's next to me, by the way.

So you're in bed?

Yeah. Jared uses earplugs, so you're.

You are.

You are.

No, you are rolling calls.

Oh, well, also watching tick tock. I'm also, by the way, I'm calling places in different country. I'm. I'm making. I do this thing now. It's my favorite, favorite game. It's my favorite game.

Okay.

I will call London. I'll call hotels. I'll call restaurants. I'll call anywhere and be like, hi, I'm coming in tomorrow. Is there. Wait, tell me about your menu. I'm just like. I'm like, talk to me about that. And they'll be like, hi, we can't. We're kind of busy right now. I'm like, you're slammed, right? 06:00 p.m. i'm like, but this is.

Why the podcast is so genius, that you are going to be able to, first of all, let Jared fucking sleep. And you're going to be able to go into your other room. You have this new set. You're gonna sit down, and you can just. You can even roll calls on the podcast.

I will.

I would listen to you fucking asking what the. Like, the option for dessert is at the fucking sushi place in London.

Hundred percent. That's what I do. That's literally what I do. And my mom, I think, would love to sleep. I think she's actually getting to the point where she's like, hey, at 230, she says to me now, she's like. And I'm like, what? She's like, nothing. Nothing. I'm like. She's like, okay. I'm like, good. Yeah.

And are your parents still together? Yeah. Is your dad in bed?

Yeah. We do the same thing, and he.

Puts on the airplane.

If you cut to both of us, split screen, it's both of us like this. Zoom out. Both are boyfriends and husbands next to us.

I think I would have to divorce Matt if he was doing that.

Oh, a hundred.

You need to marry this man.

I need to marry this man.

What is the weirdest late night phone call that you have ever made in your life?

It's recent. It was recent.

Okay. Okay.

This is so weird.

What?

Okay, so it's not actually. Not that weird. Actually, it is so I was. I'm a really bad driver. As everybody who knows me knows. I'm. I'm very bad, okay. Which I feel like, is like a gay thing to be like, a bad driver. Maybe not. Maybe that's homophobic, but I'm a horrible driver.

Horrible. Okay, bad.

So I was looking through my contacts and I found a thing that said hit and run Carla.

So I called it in your phone. You have hit and run Carl. Carl, okay. And you don't remember, so I do.

Remember, cuz he explained it to me. I'm literally friends with her now. We could literally call him hit and run Carl. So what happened was I hit him. No, sorry. He hit. Okay. What happened was he hit me.

Okay. In your car. Car collision.

Car collision. He hits me.

Okay.

I run. So I, so I get his number. So I guess, yes, that's, that's. This is a true thing. So I get his number. How do you get his number out of the window? He comes up to my car, he goes, I'm so sorry, I hate you. And I go, no worries. Can we exchange numbers? I had a nail appointment. I had to get to it. My car, by the way, I didn't even get out of my car. I didn't get out of my car. Are you like, I didn't see the damage, but I know there's damage because my car is now actually, it's kind of horizontal at this point. It was like, it's now a not in a lane. So I'm like, hmm, that's weird. So he, he comes to my window, he goes, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I go, what's your name? He goes, Carl. Kind of hot, honestly. I was kind of like, Carl, you sure you hit me? I'm like, hit me again. He goes, so I hit you. I need, we need to exchange insurances. And I go, of course. I go, what's your number? He gives me his number, he walks.

I go, get your insurance. He walks back to the car. I speed away. My bumper. I had to get to my nail appointment. I had to get to Yuca. So I sit down with you. Of course.

You always have nice nails.

Well, I just took them off. I used to have acrylics. Took them off.

You always have long nails. I've never seen you before.

Short. It's my new thing.

Hot.

Okay. Anyways, I was at my, in my acrylic phase.

Yeah.

Had to go to Yucca. Sitting down with Yuka, you goes like, what happened today? I'm like, actually nothing. It's gonna boring day. Meanwhile, my car's completely destroyed. It's totaled in the parking lot. She's looking at the car, she's like, nothing. Good job. She, like, thinks I've actually got through brain damage during the. During the collision. So she. So then I forget about him, and he's elated.

He's like, I don't pay for shit.

He's obviously. He's thrilled. This. This man just won the lottery. He just hit. Well, actually, not really, because his car is total, too, but he just hit this car. I forget about this.

You're good.

I'm good. I forget if I. We put the bumper back on, there was still a huge dent, but I was like, fuck it. I was like, sometimes it's cute to roll up with a damaged car, but.

You'Re like, oh, you're relatable. I'm like, yeah.

I'm like, my car's totaled. So, uh.

But, you know, you're like that cool girl from, like, the movie.

Totally. She gets out, and she's like. And everyone's like, oh, stunning. You know? Her hair, for me, it's a little different. I have, like, stuff in my teeth. I'm, like, picking it. I'm like, sorry, but you're playing the role.

You're playing the role.

Anyways, I. Where was I?

You call him.

Oh. So two years later, I call him, two years. Been two years.

Jesus.

I call him, and I go, hi. He goes, hi. I go, so I have you. My phone is hit and run, Carl. So I just. I just do want to know what that was about. So I forgotten this.

And he's like, and you're just bored at night?

Yes, I'm bored. And he's like, I don't remember. This is a random number. He was like, I don't have your number. Like, is it. What the.

Oh.

And then I was like, oh, my God, Carl. Carla. Carl. And I literally went through a time warp where I was like. I was like, carl. Suddenly I'm in the. Carl.

Carl.

Anyways, I'm now realizing that this man has hit my car. So now I'm on the phone asking him for money. So I'm like. And he goes, I live in Mexico City now. No, no, Owen. I live in Mexico City. I'm not gonna give you money for a car that was totaled two years ago. I don't even have that car. And I'm thinking, neither do I, actually. I turned to my lease. I'm like, but it was. I'm, like, begging. I'm like, well, it's probably. The damage was, like, $2,000, so if you could just pay me that. He was like, no. He kept hanging up. I kept recalling, did you actually think.

You were gonna get the money or just fucking around?

I was fucking around. But also, at a certain point, I think you actually get into it where I was like, kind of want the money now, right? You know what I mean? Jared's asleep next to me. I'm like, uh, he's snoring. I'm like, well, he's. We're gonna have to get his nose fixed. I'm like, he's gonna have to get some kind of rhinoplasty. I'm like, I'm gonna have to pay for this shit.

Wait, that two k will go a long way.

Exactly. Exactly. So I love Carl. He's actually become a fast friend.

Hold on. No, how did he become a fast friend?

No, just during the call, he kind of laughed at a few things I said. I laughed at a few things he said. We actually had a spark. Honestly. We had a spark. He lives in Mexico City. He's straight. And I think he's like 60. Another 60 year old. Wait, wait.

And so do you keep in touch a little bit?

No, but I texted him today.

What did you say?

Hi.

And he's like, owen. And then you just like, send the Venmo request again.

You just keep saying, but I need. I need people like this in my life. Like, I need these random connections.

Okay.

I'm like, weird.

Didn't you say, I remember another part of the podcast. We were like, you were going to potentially then interview people because you've done this before on a live Spotify thing, but you were going to interview people that quote unquote hate you, but they don't actually hate you.

So Carl.

So Carl would be a perfect person to interview and, like, talk this through because it makes no fucking sense.

Or my ex trainer, who.

What?

Who absolutely hate.

Wait, your x trainer? Like physical trainer.

Okay, so how does physical trainer. First of all, I just want to say I I don't. I don't know why I was paying for a trainer. Okay, like what? Go to a gym, Owen.

Oh, okay.

Go to a gym.

But if you're. If you're not motivated, which I'm not. Okay, then you need to get a trainer that's like yelling at you to do the things.

Exactly.

You're not self motivated.

Exactly. So I had this x trainer, or I had a x trainer. I had a trainer, um, who I. He. We would set times during the week, and I would always cancel.

Oh, you're the worst. Would you have to pay, like, a.

Little something so I would make up excuses I would do this, do that. I wouldn't pay.

Give me, like, what kind? What are your kind of excuses? Are they obvious that you're like, obviously not.

No. They would be like, I got in a car crash. They'd be true.

The third time you say you're in a car crash.

No, Owen. Well, that one actually is believable. But everything else, I'm like, I would be like, oh, my God. The craziest thing just happened. I ended on. I ended up on a flight to Puerto Vallarta. I just. I don't know where I am. Help. Send help. And he'd be like, what? And then I would actually text a picture of me kind of going to, no, I'm joking.

So you could. You would interview someone like that?

Yeah, I would interview someone like that. He. He. We ended. He ended up cutting ties with me. He was like, I can't work with you anymore.

This is a toxic work environment.

He said, this is really toxic. And he ultimately said, I can't. He was like, I don't want to watch you gain weight. He was like, you don't work out. He was like, like. And I was going around being like, I don't want to say his name, but let's say his name is, like, rob.

Body by whatever.

Let's say his name is Rob. I'm like, I'm trained by Rob. Body by Rob. And I was literally, like, getting fattered by the day. Cause I wasn't working out. And he was like, body, not by Rob. Body's so. Not by Rob. So he was like, this is really toxic. And Owen. So, yeah, so I would interview him.

Do you have any, like, teachers that you like that, like, would hated you in the back? What were you like in school? Can we talk about you in school?

I was like, I was a goodie two shoes in school. But you were. Yeah, but I also said what I wanted to say. So I had a french teacher who really. Well, I thought I was amazing at French because I really can get the accent. Wait, wait, so I'm really bad at french to be, but I thought I was good because I would be like, monsieur d'acco.

Wait, that's good. Wait.

All I knew out the only thing I knew how to say. Washington Dakore monsieur.

What does that mean?

Okay, mister. But you're so annoying. My teacher was a woman, so she pulled me aside one day, and she goes, you. It's madame. Madame. And I said, in 2016. I said, we're all come on, gender. I go, another boomer dealing with gender. I was like, come on, come on. You're they. Them. What are you? She was like a woman. Please, madame. I was like, it's not even a hard word. I was. I couldn't say it. All I could say is that girl, monsieur.

It also kind of sounds better.

It sounds hot. But I would literally write that in my tests also, like, I was. I in front. I was horrible french student. But I would. I would. I would get out of tests by. And I'm not gonna do it, so don't ask me. But I used to do a shakira impersonation.

How do you come on Colordati and say that you used to do a shakira impression.

I can't do it anymore. I've lost it. I've lost it.

They're not strong. And I'm starting to have. Go.

I can't do it.

Go.

I actually won't look. Go. No, no, I'm not kidding. I actually can't do it.

Why?

I've lost. It's something in my.

It's something in you.

It's something in me.

Can you do any impressions? Like, any of them? Come on.

No. But you do a really good Jennifer Coolidge.

I like her a lot, so I just want.

She's amazing. Has she been on the pod?

No, and I want her. Let's manifest it right now.

Okay. Jennifer Coolidge on the pod. Jennifer Coolidge on the pod.

Why won't she come on?

I actually just. I guess I got a text. She's coming on the pod.

And so Beyonce's mom is coming over.

Wait, Tina knows?

Okay, so you don't have any impressions. Okay, talk to me about when did you know you liked boys? I'm sorry. I meant. I meant when did you. Excuse me, I think.

Would anybody watch this and think, I'm straight? That's for you guys.

Yeah. Tune in.

Comment below. I'm gay. What's the question?

When did you know you liked boys?

Oh. Zac Efron. High school musical. High school musical. And what's funny is that I looked at this man, who obviously was so attractive, right? But I liked his soul. I literally liked his soul. I go, a man who sings and wants to treat Gabriella nice, I go, that's what I want. Literally. He could have been the ugliest toad, and I would have been like, his soul is fucking sweet.

His soul?

Yeah.

Did you have a crush in school? And, like, were you someone that, if you had a crush in school when you were younger, like, would you be upfront about it or were you shy up front?

Immediately, the crush came. I go, I have a crush on you.

No, you're that.

I have a crush on you. And then they'd be like, what? That tracks. Yeah, I just. I think I'm falling in love with you as we speak.

When was your first kiss?

I kissed a girl first.

Okay, how was it?

I think she would say it was horrible. And I would say, like, actually amazing.

Was it a kiss or a make out?

It was a makeup fun.

And how did. You were like. You were like, shout out.

What's your name?

Eden.

Eden.

Eden. What a fucking fabulous la name. Eden. Eden Hankin.

I was in love with her. I was in, it was 8th grade. I was madly in love with her. She was a dancer. And I was like, I would look at her and be like, I want to dance like you. I was like, how'd you do that again? Do the split. It's like, iconic. Me so gay. I was like, that's hot. Everyone's like, that's so hot. She's so flexible. I was like, yeah, it's really hot. She can put her head behind her. She can put her feet behind her head. I'm like, wow. So hot.

I want to be able to do that.

Literally. I was like, me, tomorrow I'll learn. Um, she is so nice. I haven't seen her in years, though.

We love you.

We love.

Thank you for putting up with Olympic.

We do love you.

Okay. And then when was your first boy.

Kiss a man named Miles Jordan?

What?

I know. Wait, is that a basketball name? Is that a basketball player? Michael Jordan? Let's cut that. Hey, guys, let's cut that.

Hey, um, everyone in this house.

Hey. So I just want to let everyone know that we're obviously cutting what I just said. The most famous basketball player, if you don't know basketball, hundred percent you know.

That Miles Jordan is a good name, though.

Hot. So he, we made out and I was like, I didn't know what I was doing, right. So I was like, are you gonna stick it in? We're making out. Like, literally making out. I think we were at like a, like a formal, honestly. And we were making out and I was like, when does. How are you gonna do it now? And he was like, what? He's like, no, he had been out for months, years maybe. He was like, that's not how it works. I was like, totally never heard from him again, obviously. I then. But I fell madly in love with him. I was in love until I found another person to be in love with.

And then your first boyfriend, how long was that?

That was about two years.

I feel like your jaw just clenched. What was that like? Well, because that was one of those. That was like, you'll never get my first love different. It doesn't mean that you're still in love with them. It's just like. Jared's like, no, we're really.

Exactly. I'm like, yeah, exactly. Jared comes and breaks up with me.

Even when I talk about my first love. It's a different type of, like, totally. Whoa. That was. Because it was your first something. And you'll always remember that. And then it does get better, but you'll never forget it.

Yes, exactly.

Right.

Exactly. And I feel like, here's the deal. I don't. We're friends.

Yeah.

I don't ever see a future with this man, ever. Like, I'm with the person I love.

Wait, you're friends with him to this day.

Oh, I forced him to be friends with me.

Oh, wait, obviously.

I'm like, we can't be exes. He's like, well, we can be exes. I'm like, okay, then we need to be friends. He's like, okay.

Does he live in LA?

No, he lives in New York.

Okay, that's healthy.

But he's in LA a lot. I actually got coffee with him two days ago.

Wait, Owen, does Jared not care?

No. Doesn't care at all. I. Oh. So, okay. I unfollowed him on instagram.

Why?

But I made. Because I'm just like, I don't need to see your shit. He has a new boyfriend who seems lovely. Yeah, actually, I don't need to see it, but I made Jared follow him, so now they follow each other.

So now is he private?

So he's. Yeah, exactly. He was private, so I made Jared follow him. Now he follows Jared back. They dm. They're totally fine and cordial. And I'm like, this is fucking weird. I'm like, you shouldn't follow him. Jared's like, no, you're. Now you've made friends with.

You're getting jealous of your current boyfriend talking to your ex boyfriend.

I'm like, this is so fucking rich. I'm like, what are you gonna do? Fuck him. He's like, no, I wasn't. You asked. Yeah, you made me do this.

Oh.

So anyways, I really.

How was coffee?

It was actually great.

But you're, like, friends.

Yeah.

So you go to NYU?

Yeah.

We need to go all the way back to the beginning of the episode. You casually said that you went to NYU. For a month. A week.

No. So I was technically enrolled for. I was technically enrolled for, like, a year.

Okay.

But I went to classes for a.

Week, and then what the fuck did you.

Weeks, maybe.

Why? What?

I was done. I was like this now? Um. No. My parents had paid so much fucking money, and I'm so disrespectful and ungrateful and I'm a cunt and. And I was like, I can't. I'm so obsessed with them, and it sounds so. I. People are gonna be like, this is so weird. But I was like, I just don't. I need to be home. I was like, I need to be home.

Because of your parents?

Yeah, and because I just, like. I was like. I was over it, you know? I don't need to do those there for two weeks. Oh, no. And my boyfriend had just broken up with me. The one. The first love. So I think I was, like, emotional, and I was like. There was a whirlwind and all. A lot of my best friends actually went to NYU with me, which was really nice, but I was like, no, I was lit. I felt like Harry Bradshaw. Where I was, like, everything. I was, like, walking and I was like, will he text me or is it just another day down the rabbit hole? You know what I mean? I was literally Carrie Brown.

Did he live in New York at the time or.

No. Who?

Your ex boyfriend?

No, he. No, he lived in Ohio. He went to Oberlin. Shout out.

Shout out. So you go back to LA Post breakup. What the fuck did you do after you left school?

Literally? I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I was sitting there like, what am I doing with my life? I had, like, so many. I just had. Midlife crisis is at 2020.

Do you wish you had stayed in college?

Of course. And so does my dad and your grandfather, obviously.

Okay, we're gonna play a game.

Go.

I'm gonna give you a scenario, and I want you to know, like, how you would respond. Okay, we're gonna play a game.

Go.

I'm gonna give you a scenario and I want you to know, like, how you would respond. Okay. You are at a sleepover. Okay, well, now I feel like I know who we're contacting, but let's not contact nanny. You're at a sleepover and they pull out the Ouija board. Who are you contacting and what are you asking them?

Wait, I have a really dumb question.

What? What's a Ouija board?

No. Oh, obviously, I know that. I've fucking seen the movie. Is that the movie? The Ouija. Ouija. Is that what's called Ouija? Ouija. I keep saying it like it's gonna come to me.

Ouija.

Um, anyways, there. Is it only dead people? Yeah, let's just say. Yeah, yeah. Who am I contacting?

Is not nanny.

Not nanny. Who am I contacting? Who's dead?

Do you know anyone that's dead?

Honest, I don't know that many people that are dead.

Who we're gonna say lucky.

Oh, shut up. Um, I keep saying shout outs.

I do think shout out to no one.

Shout out to absolutely no one. I would. Ooh. No. Okay, wait. Okay.

I would contact a celebrity.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Like, oh, I'm. Yeah, I'm like, you don't need to contact anyone.

You're so at peace with your no people on earth.

I'm not. I need to contact the. I would.

I contact the dead.

I would contact, um.

I would contact.

I would contact. Tap William Taft. William H. Taft. He's a president.

What's worse, you wanting to contact a random president or me not knowing that that was a president?

Wait, you didn't know that? Can I be honest? Why I would contact him?

I was like, he sounds familiar.

No, I know. I would contact.

No, but first answer, why?

No, no, I tapped. Because he's just iconic, and he was like, was he hot? Well, look him up. Look him up. Tell me if he was hot.

What is his name? Robert Taft.

William H. Taft.

No, I swear to God, I'm not done.

To my mind.

Holy.

I think we're talking about school.

I have seen this man before.

I would love to contact him. He'd be fun. Talk to you.

Have a thing for old people.

Yeah. Me calling my therapist after this.

Why am I sexually attracted? Is he kind of hot?

Oh, he's hot. There. He's also. That looks like a recent photo. I'm not kidding. Wait, pull that back up.

That.

I've seen that on Raya. That's recent. That is fully recent. That. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, when you're that old, it's usually blurry. Giving. Like, it's giving iPhone ten.

It's giving pores.

I'm not kidding. It's giving portrait mode. That's gorgeous. That's a gorgeous photo. Taft. You're not dead. Not contacting you, William.

Okay.

Who else would I contact?

No, no. You're about. Say something else.

I know this hard. I don't know why this is hard for me.

No, I don't care anymore. You did a great answer. Taft. Shout out. Um, if you were okay. Oh, wait. Have you had any paranormal experiences? I haven't, personally.

No.

No. Okay. If you were in a horror movie, do you think you would survive till the end?

No. First of all, black people die first.

No, no, no.

So I die first, my love. I would be the first to go, um, no. And here's the deal. This is what I would do. I would reason with the. This. I actually think about this all the time because Jared is always away, so I'm alone.

Oh, we're in. Are you paranoid?

Always.

Owen, you don't. We have to have sleepovers because you don't understand.

Please, any day.

I am buying everything on the Internet. I've had people install things into my house. Like, I am, I think, with a pan.

Me trying to relate.

You sleep with a pan.

Of course.

That's actually way smarter because you get the swing curvature. I have those things from Amazon that I open all my boxes with that are like little cutters, and I have, like.

That's scary.

Open.

You sleep with a box cutter. You sleep with a box.

I do.

No, no, no.

Because I used to sleep with a knife, and then Matt was like, you won't win the fight because you don't know how to stab with a knife. But if you have a box cover, I could hit the carotid artery.

Isn't a knife the same thing?

Yeah, but I feel like the knife. It's easier to slip back and it could maybe cut my whole hand open. I've thought about all of this. I've also practiced. I do, like, little olympics in my room. Yeah, we're into that kinky shit, you know?

Yeah, totally. You're like, I'm into blood. I'm into blood play.

Okay, so you have a pan.

I have a pan I sleep with. I'm obsessed with objects in my bed. I always have objects in my bed.

Like what?

A pan. I'm obsessed with pepper spray. I don't sleep with a knife. Yeah, pepper spray is really fun.

That's actually really smart. But also, what if they have a gun? But what do you think they're coming to do to you? Because I'm always thinking a little, like, fondle, fondle, kidnap, rape, kill. That's the thing.

I think. I don't think they would have. This is so. I don't think they want to rape me.

Therapist about that. You're hot. They're coming for that, D. They're coming for me.

Um, no, I want. If you want cut that. So okay, so anyways, I sleep with objects because I. I'm so paranoid. Okay, so paranoid. But I do think.

Paranoid about what?

Paranoid about somebody coming in and. And not knowing I'm there. Like, my fear is that they're not gonna know I'm there. They're gonna try to rob the place. By the way, we have nothing at the house. So, like, it would. You'd be robbing. You'd be taking me. I'm the most valuable, literally. Am I one pan that, by the way, we clearly don't cook in the house. I was pans in the bed, love.

So you. You are just thinking that they're gonna kill you accidentally.

Oh, my. I think they're gonna kill me accidentally. And I'm so nervous about us being face to face. My fear is that they're gonna be like, huh? And then I'm gonna be, huh? And then they're gonna be, ha. Do you know what I mean? I'm gonna be now dead, being like, huh? Literally. So I've thought about this so much, and I think I could reason with them.

Okay. Okay.

So I think what I would say to them is this, okay, you came in for something. You didn't think it was me. I take my take out. No, I go, you came in for something. I have. I'll give you whatever you want.

And you're so calm. Like, this is. I'm so calm.

I'll give you whatever you want. I'm not gonna tell. I can't remember. I lie to them. I go, I have face blindness. When you walk away, I won't be able to remember it. So totally fine.

Right? You're back to your liar days. Like, you can easily swing this.

Even if you're my neighbor, I wouldn't tell anybody your secret safe with me.

Oh.

And then I'll tell them secrets that my friends have told me so that I'll be like, trust me. I can trust me. My friend Zoe, she just told me the best secret in the world. And I'll actually tell you right now. So you believe me. So, Zoe.

And then they're literally like, I'm leaving. Okay, so you're, like, garnering that. You're, like, getting this person to really believe that you don't give a shit.

And you're.

And you're like, I promise I'll keep your secrets.

So I think that's the way to do. I think that's why I would survive. But I think in a horror movie, I would have to die first, because.

I think I could almost die before you. Because I actually think. Okay, hold on. Although.

No, you. You would die before me. Why? No, no.

Because I am so paranoid I would kill myself.

Yeah. I wouldn't do it, because I do think I have narcissistic tendencies, for sure. So I would definitely be like parents obsessed with you.

Adopted golden child.

Want to hear what happened to me the other night?

Yes.

Oh, my God. Scariest thing in the world.

Why?

I'm sleeping in my bed.

Is this gonna scare me?

No.

Oh.

03:30 a.m. i'm asleep. Finally, finally, finally.

30 minutes in. 30 minutes hitting Rem.

I. Oh, my God, REm is happening. I'm like, whoa. I'm asleep. Like this. I'm asleep, babe. Suddenly, alarm goes off in the house.

Nope, nope, nope.

I go, no, no. I stand up. I go, no, no. What do you want? Who are you? Who are you? Don't come in here.

No.

I go, if you're gonna come in here, I have nothing. Yeah, literally. Literally, I was like, but I'm naked, so come in. So I. Nothing happens. No one moves. I check the alarm. I'm checking, I'm checking, I'm checking.

Are you by yourself?

I'm by myself.

Oh. I beat out door.

I watching in the alarm, the ring that the door opens, but no one's there, but the door is locked and open. I get. I started crying. I have chills.

I have children. I'm crying.

I go, what? So then I thought, someone's crying, crawling. So. But then I go, maybe it's a short person. I go, some. I go, someone is. Is clearly in my house. So. Or it's a ghost, or. But I didn't even go there. I was just like, someone's in my house, and they have some kind of cloak that they're wearing that they are invisible to the ring cameras. They come. I go out into the. I take my pan. I go out. I walk into the living room. I call Jared. I face him. Jared. Jared's on set. Shout out, Jared's on set. I go, Jared. Someone's in the house. Jared goes, what? Jared. I go, someone's in the house. He goes, I. I have to go. I go, good job. Last time you saw me.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm holding a pan like this. I look around. I go, whoever's in here, I have a pan. And then I thought, gun, gun, gun. I check every closet. Nothing.

Nothing.

No one was in there.

No ghost, no little person, no big.

No sit in my car. Because I was like, I can't sit in my house. I sit in my car for two and a half hours, 3 hours. I look up sunrise la. It's like the classic 06:30 a.m. i'm like. So I sit my car until that I'm wired. I'm like, oh, I so scared. The next day my mom comes over.

Looks around the house, goes in the corner.

She's offline. We watch the ring camera again. Genuinely. The door unlocked and opened. Please somebody like who deals with ghosts, like come to my house. Maybe we should have an episode where we deal with that.

Oh, I totally think we should. We do like a little paranormal.

Totally.

Like a seance. Bring nanny in.

Can you imagine?

Owen, I'm not kidding you. I would, I would probably have to move or you have to like have you changed the lock or something? Or like brought up.

So I've changed. No, so I've changed the lock. But I'm going to be honest, I do think that now that they've entered. They're in.

They're in.

Do you get what I'm saying? They're in.

You're, you're like. But maybe it's a good thing. Think about.

Yeah.

Okay. You're on a deserted island.

Okay, you have to post.

But I still have to post.

You have to post this regardless. You go in memoriam. You go. He was so. He was. I promise he was funny.

It was gonna be a great show. Yeah, in your dreams.

People are like that. That guy got k. He's. I'm canceled and dead. Okay, keep going.

Oh my God, that would be so sad. No, I would speak well on your name. Okay. You're stranded on a deserted island and you can only bring three things and one celebrity. Who are you bringing? What are you bringing?

I'm bringing road. Just.

God, you might as well die with good luck.

That makes sense.

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

That's like also it's edible.

So you eat it.

Of course.

Okay.

Exactly.

Road.

Um. Road. Okay. This is hard. I'm bringing road. I'm bringing smoked almonds. Yum. I'm dying for them. Ah, put them in my mouth. Have you ever had smoked almonds?

What kind?

Just smoke. Doesn't matter.

I think I like the sriracha ones.

Delish.

So good.

But not as good as smoked. Have you had smoked?

I don't know. No, seriously. I think I probably have. No. Aren't they in that little tin?

Yes.

Yes. I've had all of them. Oh, they're so good.

Literally.

Are they bad for you?

Gobble.

Are they good?

Gobble, gobble.

What are they good for you. Bad for you.

Um, so I haven't looked into that.

Okay, let's not bring these smoked almonds. We're bringing road, and we're bringing a.

Thing called Yoli the fat. I'm plugging on this podcast. What is not sponsored by them.

What is Yoli?

It's an electrolyte drink. I don't drink water.

Okay.

So I don't sleep in a drink. Don't drink water.

Okay. Owen, where, like, how are you alive so bad?

It's. I'm not.

And you have so much energy.

Thanks. It's. It's.

So you bring a drink.

So I'm bringing Yoli. It's so delish, because I figure, like, if you're gonna have to, like, drink ocean water.

Celebrity.

Oh, fuck. Am I gonna bring someone to fuck?

This is what I'm thinking about. I'm feeling like my answer would be my vibrator.

Oh, fuck. Oh, I could use my hand.

Oh, for sure. I was gonna say we could share. We're not there together. And also.

Wait, also, I don't know how that. Oh, I bring a vibrator.

I'd bring a two in one.

Yeah, totally.

And then my iPad. But I would have pre.

I didn't know you could bring electronics. I would obviously bring my eye. My phone. Oh, my God. Had I known you could bring the Apple store, I wouldn't brought the Apple store, love. That's so unfair. That's like being like, who'd you bring? It's like Steve Jobs, so he could invent me anything. It's like. That's unfair. You played the game wrong. You ruined the game.

I did. I ruined the game. I'm like, my iPad, but I knew I was gonna be stuck on the island, so I could download Love Island. I had 62 episodes that could get me through. And then maybe my dog. Can I bring my dog?

Yeah, that's fair.

And then celebrity.

Oh, I think I would bring Bill Nye. Why? You would bring Bill Nye?

No.

That'S a banger. Why haven't they remixed when they would.

Bring into school the thing?

Why haven't they remixed ag cook. Ag cook.

Put it on tick.

Charlie, anyone? Bill. And that. It's like Charlie being. Wait, we. We should do.

Who do we know any dj's?

I met one in Peru. No, I'm joking. Yeah.

Seven year old.

Yeah, exactly. Um.

Okay. Who are you bringing? I just thought Bill could kind of, like, get us.

Get us through it.

Get us.

I would bring my best friend, who happens to be a celebrity. I think I'd bring Emma Chamberlain because she's such a comfort for me.

I was to say yes. And then I was like, wait, is. Oh, she would just talk you through it.

She would just talk me through.

And she was like, Emma's not getting you off the island.

No, but she's like. She's, like, comforting, and she has great style, and she just is hot and fun to talk to.

Well, yeah. Now I changed mine. Why would I say that? I want Taylor Swift to just sing to me till we die.

I want Taylor Swift.

Imagine she somehow is like, no, I'm taking Taylor Swift. You left your tap writer in my apartment. Straight from the torture purple apartment, as.

In, wait, that's a great album.

Oh, I think everyone slept on it for a second. Cause they were nervous. This happens with every Taylor album. You're like, can you beat the next? Can you beat the last? How do you beat 1989? How do you be there? And then it just.

But she's always. She's always one upping herself. And it's so funny because you don't think she can.

Because I also think she can. Here's the thing. When I was growing up, I was the biggest Taylor fan. I had the most embarrassing music video of me doing love story, and I'm in this awful dress for my cotillion, and I'm walking around bucks county community college, and I'm like, it's a love story, baby. Just said. And then my poor friend Kristen is under a tree. Being, like, the acoustic person, I made her always look like boysenheid. Cause we needed, like, a boy.

I totally agree. Whatever. I totally.

And so we have this awful thing, and so in my mind, I'm like, there's nothing that can be, like, fearless or love story or our song. Nothing. And then she tops it. And then she tops it. And then she tops it. And then she tops it.

She always tops it.

And then you get to torture poets apart, and everyone was like, ooh, I don't know. I don't know.

So, what did you think of midnights?

I loved midnight, but I will say I think torture poets apartment is one of my favorite, and I.

Was it better than midnights? No. Come on.

Okay, this is my problem. And I was actually listening. Have you listened to Gracie Abrams new album, which I'm so obsessed with, and I'm not even heartbroken. Let me just explain this to you. I agree.

I love. I love that girl. As a person. I think she's an amazing human being. And I also think her music is amazing. Hello.

I have never met her. I would love to meet her one day. Introduce her.

Wait.

Get her in here.

Fly on in. She's here. I brought her for you.

Gracie, listen to me. I am not heartbroken. I'm married and happy and in love right now. I cannot stop playing that. I can. I am.

Wait, which one?

Well, how do I. How do I begin? So I went through this whole thing where, first of all, obviously, I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. You were the best and you were the worst. I love you first. I'm obsessed, but all of them are so good. And so I've been listening to all of it and I'm, like, wanting to have something to cry about, but I'm like, I don't care. I was one of those girls growing up that was obsessed with the depressing music. But I went through an alternative stage where I really liked maybe Mayday Parade. Oh, my God. You don't know what Mayday parade is? Mayday parade.

Wait, I don't know what you're saying.

You may play this for you.

Hold on.

You have heard the song Mayday parade.

May day.

No.

Raid.

Listen to this. You've heard the song don't cry.

Wonderwall. Is that the song? Yeah.

No, my mayday parade. Girls, please comment down below. I was obsessed. Katie, don't cry. Oh, my God. Not me trying to do it. I know.

Also the way you grab some.

No, listen to me. I really should. That's coming. So I've always been obsessed with, like, kind of depressing music. And even if I'm happy, I find a way to be sad. And Gracie and Taylor's albums, I'm alternating between I if you literally go on my Spotify right now, it's just those two albums. And I can't stop doing it. And I'm like, I'm not even sad.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. Might have to cut it, but Jared, who is Sabrina's carpenter's stylist.

Yes.

So I'm the biggest Sabrina Carpenter style.

Of course, she's iconic.

I pray to her at night. I've always been, by the way, like, since. Sue me. Since, like, she's so hot looking at look.

And her fashion is amazing. So shout out Jared. It looks amazing.

Shout out Jared. She looks great. So I heard the album.

Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Is it life changing?

You're gonna die. You're gonna fully. I hit the mic. You're gonna fully die. No, you're gonna die unfucking leaveable.

I'm just so happy that there's good music coming out.

There's all this good music that we. How lucky are we?

But I lucky are we also. I feel fortunate because when I was liss, everything is hitting right now, and I feel like we went through a dry spell right before Taylor came out with new music and then, like, Billy ever. Everyone's coming out with Billy. It's insane.

Billy. We forgot about Billy.

I don't even know how we think.

So your pop girls are Billy.

Billy Taylor.

I'm like, Gracie.

I'm newly obsessed with Gracie. I will say, like, amazing. I. When I saw this album coming out and. Oh, did you see the music video for I love you? I'm sorry. It's so fucking good.

Like, so cute.

How do we get here?

Can you be proud of a pop star? Like, I'm so proud of Taylor Swift.

I'm so proud of Taylor Swift because I feel like she is a very influential person for women and, like, anyone that has felt like an underdog and, like, of course, I just feel like she does a really good job of making it not about her and making it about, like, this is. Well, it is about her, but it's also about us, if that makes sense.

Well, yeah, she. She also speaks to. She's basically like, this is my experience. And I know it's your experience, which is. And it is my experience all too well, is my experience. Actually, not quite, but you know what I'm saying.

Okay, let's move on.

Okay. Keep going.

Okay. You can trade lives with a character in a movie. Who is it and why?

Andie McDowell. That's not her. Who can we look up? No. What? Look up.

I've never used my phone in an interview. Here I am. Andy McDowell.

No, that's an actress, I think.

Who are you? What movie? Phineas and Ferb.

Phineas and Ferb.

Yeah.

Candace. No, I'm obsessed with her, actually.

Takes specifically as Phineas's sister. I never.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know why I know that. Me, I'm really unwell. I.

How are we here?

I would. I would. How to lose a guy in ten days.

Andy Anderson.

Andy Anderson. Andy Anderson. Obsessed.

When I was younger, I wanted to be Miranda Priestley.

Oh, that's iconic.

But now, no.

Who would you be?

I'm just thinking movies. I like it. I'm like, I don't want to be. That's what I do. My favorite movie is, like, the proposal. I'm like, oh, my God.

That's one of the.

Is there any better movie?

That's one.

Hi. Lori Duffin sheep or by the dozen?

Super. By the dozen. I forget it. You know what I would love to be?

Go watch it.

Lizzie McGuire in the Lizzie McGuire movie.

Paolo, sing to me. Paolo, have you ever seen such a beautiful.

And then he comes in and he can't sing.

He's like doffel Timor. I could wish the stars. And then remember, the other girl's voice is a little bit. Shining so bright. Yeah.

Did you ever smile at my girl?

Oh. Oh, my God. And that scene from the movie where she comes out all the different outfits when she's, like, trying on the. Oh.

Oh, my God. Of course. When she comes in the ice, ice igloo.

So good.

I would love to be her, too.

Have you ever seen love is blind?

Of course.

Okay, if you were on love is blind, what questions are you asking the person behind the wall? Are you the guy that's, like, trying to get to know, like, what they actually look like secretly or. No, you're, like, going for love for, like.

No, I would be going for love.

Oh, yeah. Cuz you like the soul.

I like the soul. So I would be like. I would be like, what if you. If we called my mom right now? What would you want to know about her?

I'm on the other side, and I'm being like, what would I ask people? I'm like, tell me about your childhood trauma. Let's go back to the very beginning.

Totally. Totally. No, I think you need to know that, by the way.

I would want to know.

I think you need to know that.

Okay. What if you saw them and you weren't physically attracted to them?

I think I'd be fine.

Really?

No, I think. I think I'd be like, you'd push through. I think I would push through for the show. I think I'd be like, I'm madly in love with this guy. I just can't help every. Every confessional, I'd be like, the love grows stronger and stronger every single day. There's nothing even say, I'm so attracted to him. And then obviously, behind closed doors, I'm like, literally, I'm like, yeah, exactly. I'm shinies. I'm actually breaking out now. At this point. I always do over exfoliating because I can't have sex with him.

Cut to the confessional. You're like, it's a slow burn that has just been building. And I'm waiting for the sexual aspect because I want to be respectful of both of us. And you're like acting like you're this religious freak. Meanwhile you're just like, no, I don't want to fuck him.

No, but also, have you noticed this? Are there any gay people on love is blind? No, but I think that's because you'd have to do like a gay.

Oh, like think you would version.

Well, actually you could just have gay people in the mid.

Wait, hold on. But then say we're sitting across from each other and there's a wall and I'm like, oh my God. So like tell me about yourself.

No, well, I'm not gonna be sitting with you because you're gonna be like. You're like you go into your confession and you're like. So I think the man I just was speaking to isn't into women, but I want to give him a chance.

Then the producers would have to get involved and just make sure.

Right, but I feel like the producers are already involved. I nominate myself. First gay client, first gay person on love is blind.

You are in a relationship. Jared would let you. No, you're going to find your third.

Jared and I in a room together finding our third. Wait, that's just a show.

That is a little show. Pitch it. Done. Um, okay. Who is the most famous person in your phone right now?

Probably Hailey Bieber. Uh, is she it? Right. Who's the most famous person of yours?

Probably Hailey or Miley.

Ugh. Can you give me Miley's number?

Honestly, air drop it. You don't understand childhood, Alex. Like just like not like just randomly on days sending herself be like missing you. Like it takes everything to not do it. No, I don't do.

I was like, oh my God.

No, no, she's, she is my favorite person in the world.

I'm so obsessed with my summer vacation. Another album. That's unbelievable.

Anything she releases.

Anything.

Okay, cuz I was gonna ask you but I don't think we should do that, Hailey, because she's gorgeous and pregnant and she doesn't need your drama. I was thinking call someone in your phone right now.

Yeah.

And pretend to have a freak out and be like, I just found something shady on Jared's phone. What I do. Should we call Emma?

She's on a plane.

Fuck.

Who should we call?

Who should we call? We want to like pretend you basically call them. Call them and be like, I'm freaking out right now. I just found would. Who would believe you being like, are you gonna get. You're a good actor. You're an actor.

I'm not good.

Be like I'm. I found shady shit on Jared's phone. I'm freaking out.

I don't have anyone famous.

Who should we call? Let's call, um.

Name someone who would be funny with this.

Fuck, I wish Emma was not on a plane.

Should we try her?

Try her. Just see if she answers. Come on, Emma. Come on, Emma.

It's on speaker. It's just quiet. I don't know why my phone is quiet. Come on, Emma.

Fuck. Who could we call it? Like, you could just, like, fake, like, bitch, you saw me famous for.

Who else? What about, um, Shane Mitchell? Yes, but I don't know her. It's gonna be weird.

Okay.

It's gonna be like this. Okay.

Okay. Break up with him. Should we kill your mom?

My mom won't buy it.

She won't if you're like, mom, I'm freaking out. Like, I found something really shady on Jared's phone. Like, I think he's been, like, fully having an emotional relationship with someone, and I'm, like, freaking out right now.

I mean, I have so many random friends.

Color in a friend. This may be bad, but who's this?

Married? Oh, my God. I just found the scariest thing on Jared's phone. I think he's having a full fledged relationship. Like, actually full fledged relationship with someone else. Wait, Jared's full fledged relationship? I don't know what to do now. What did you see? What was it? I saw. I saw text and photos and I'm not kidding. He's like. He's saying. He's saying to him, like, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for years.

Like, Jared was saying that to the guy.

Both. Both.

Both.

Both, both, both, both.

Oh, my God. How did you find. Is he not there?

No, he's. He's. He went to. He went to. To work. To work. To work. And I just saw his iPad. On his iPad. He was. He was using. I'm sorry. I've coveted. What do I do? What do I do? I know. I know. I. It's. It's literally horrible. What do I do? What do I do? Do I tell him I saw it? Do I tell him I saw it?

Yes, obviously.

But. And do I just say, do I, or do I just move out? Move all my stuff out. Couch on the sidewalk. I'll put the couch on the sidewalk. It's not funny. It's not funny. Yeah.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious.

Well, hilarious. I'm dealing with a.

Like.

For him to cheat. For him to cheat. She's getting married, literally, tomorrow.

Say I love you by her bachelor.

Okay, here's the deal. I'm on caller daddy. You've just been pranked. You've just been pranked. Jared's not. Oh, my God, I love you so much. She literally is having her bachelorette tomorrow.

Oh, my God. Wait, you're getting married? We love you, Queen.

We love you. Okay. I love you. I'm so relieved that this isn't real, but are you okay? Yeah, I'm totally fine.

Love you.

Love you.

She's getting married. Just ruined her life.

Hundred percent.

We. Okay, I will say that is a good friend because you can tell that she loves you guys together. And she was trying to be so supportive and not immediately, like, fuck him. Leave.

Totally. She was like, is there any reason that you would do that? I was like. And I start listing the reasons. I'm like, I don't sleep, I wake him up.

The fact that you also, like, move him out. Put myself on the couch outside. Go. She's okay. That was a good fucking friend.

She's a great friend.

That was good. Thank you for doing that. What is the most la thing about you? That you have Ozempic in your fridge?

Yeah, that I have Ozempic.

Would you say we're getting to Dan, I promise. Would you say that you're good at being an adult? Like, are you adulting? No. What am I talking about? You're absolutely a bad adult.

Are you horrible?

Are you still on your family's phone plan? Are you on your own?

No, still my family's.

The way you just said that to me, as insinuated. You're like, no, of course I have my own thing.

No, I'm. No, no, still my family's. Yes, I'm still. Why would I. Why? What? That's the one thing I can. I give advice to the caller daddy. Caller daddy fans out there. Yes, universe daddy. Gang, stay on your parents phone bill for as long as you fucking can. Are you kidding me?

Ride that wave.

Ride that way. That's like the one thing that I think they don't like. That's the one thing that they forget.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God.

Didn't know. I know my dad didn't either, but.

But he would jab me a little bit. Finally, I think when I signed my Spotify deal, he was like, you want to pay my bill? You want to pay my bill? I was like, you're in a different.

Place than me, my love.

You want to come on my bill?

Yeah, I'm like, you'll be paying for me. I'm like, mom, daddy literally.

Daddy literally lied to my original daddy. Hi, Daddy. I got your phone bill. Don't worry. Okay, can you give us a response to the allegations that youre if you facetune your driver's license photo? Is this true? How did I see this?

Yeah, that's online. I facetune everything. Every photo that you see on the Internet is facetuned. Every single one.

Stop. What are you going with? Like, a little, like, I'm proud. Sudden kiss. One, two. What are the things? I don't know. Isn't that, like, the thing that you can press, like, a. Wait.

Oh.

Face app.

First.

Face tune.

Oh, no, I don't. Face app.

Okay.

Face app I used to do. If you really scroll back. Wow. I'm adding lashes. I'm doing a lot of stuff. It's really fun. I'm, like, making eyebrows thinner. I was actually, before Gabriette was Owen. Thinner brow, thin brow. I'm not kidding. It was, like, iconic.

Okay, so you're facetuning. So we'll face you in these photos that we put out. Don't worry. Oh, oh.

100.

You want to face to them or should I give it?

What? Send to me. I'll face you. Me.

Okay.

I'll send to you. Do you face tune?

I used to, and then I got caught, and then I had to stop.

Oh, I see. I'm just like, who cares? Who cares? Oh, and though, by the way, I have one person out there that is knows me and that what? That follows me. And that one person that follows me knows that I love facetune. So their comments are like, go off facetune, not like you facetune.

Because, to be fair, I feel like a lot of times that I look better in person, and then I'll take a bad photo, and I'm like, but that's not how I looked. Like, I told my glam was cute today, but, like, totally. It may not look totally.

Also, even more than that, I actually think that if you. I can't post a photo that I don't feel good about, like, and I.

Don'T feel good about any photo.

I don't feel good about any photo ever. So I need to make myself look different.

Okay. And then you face up. Was it you face up or if you face tuned the photo on your license that you posted on the Internet or you asked them if you could face.

I asked them if I could facetune the photo. They said no. So.

So, like, the government, you mean, they.

I was in the DMV, and I said. I literally said to them, can you send me that? I will send it right back. They said, no. They said, you could take another. I said, let me take another. I took four. They were like, we have a line. I was like, are you sure you can't tell that to me?

Airdrop.

I was like, literally, airdrop that. It's one sec. I'll be right here. I was like, it's the fastest. Smooth pull. Done. You're done. I'm like, lip a little bigger. You're done.

You're done.

There. She's like, no, no. So I had to post a driver's l. Every photo that I send of my driver's license. Like, is facetuned face, hundred percent. Like. Like, somebody recently was like, you're flying to this. Send me your driver's license. I was like, facetune.

Okay. To be fair, I had one of the scariest passport photos that I took when I was 14 years old. And I didn't have eyebrows at the time because.

Why?

Well, I had eyebrows, but you couldn't see them. They were translucent. They. Okay, before bleach, was Alex Cooper, naturally born with just white eyebrows? Couldn't see them. So I had a five head. It was a whole thing. So then when I figured out that I could just tint them, I'm like, oh, my God, it looks so much prettier. Like, I'm so much. When I look at younger photos of myself, I'm like, you guys have to understand people. Like, oh, my God. Your face shape change absolutely look amazing.

You literally are stunning.

Stop. Thank you.

Like, if you saw her in person, you got. You would be scared. Okay, keep going.

Stop. So you have to say that. So I had this just, like, really bad era of my life, whatever. And I have my passport, but my passport lasts ten years, right? So I'm, like, 15 at the time that I'm 25. So around my, like, college days, I was fucking these professional athletes. We were having fun, and they would take me to, like, Mykonos, circuits, and geek goes all these places, and they would ask me to send them their passport so they could share it with their agent who was booking our stuff. And I'm like, no. They're gonna say, no, no, send me your passport. Who is that? That's how bad it was, Owen. I looked like a fucking. Like, I look like an awful, awful troll.

Oh, okay.

My own mother said, never show anyone that photo.

Okay?

That's how you know it's bad, because my mom's like, you're gorgeous. You came out of me horrible. So I would face app before face out. Picmonkey. Do you know picmonkey?

No.

Pic Monkey is a web browser that you go on to. To do. And I started to just morph my face. And you know how, like, the lamination in the passport there, you. You could see the poles and the.

Totally. 100%. You saw it all. You saw the whole thing.

But the men are so stupid. These straight men had no fucking totally.

Wow. Bad photo.

Right? And I was like. And I would preface it being like, oh, it's such a bad photo. But it looked, like, so much better because I, like, completely facetimed it. And then that's what I do. When I went for my new passport photo, fully did glam.

Ah, that's. You have to. I need to start doing my photo that I send to people. I look like I've made myself look like Michael B. Jordan. Like, I'm like. I'm like, suddenly like, you can't get to the airport.

They're like, this is not you.

No. 100%. It's, like, insane. What I've done, my new thing is this. I don't carry my id because I hate my id photo. I just have a photo of it that I faced it. So even for the bouncers, I'm like, I'm sorry I lost my wallet. This is me. And they're looking at it. They're like, you look so. Look like a wave woman. They're like, what the hell's happening there? Why'd you. What the hell? They're like, what did you do to your face? I look completely different.

You look like every.

No, I look like Lisa Rinna. I'm like, they're like, the hell's happening there? I'm not kidding. I look amazing.

You look like Lisa Rinna.

I've done. I've done the lip. I've done everything in the. In. In the photo. Like the hair, of course. Like, I can't do. I can't do it in real life because I'm too afraid of needles or anything. But.

No, no. I'll get you set up. Don't worry. We're gonna ruin your face. It's perfect. Okay. As we are finishing.

Yeah.

Just had the most fun ever.

Wait, I had.

So we have downstairs and talked about the other shit.

Like, we have so, so much to talk.

We have a lot to talk about.

We dive in.

We have even started.

We haven't. No, no. By the way, this is. This is a pregame. I'm not kidding. I'm coming on next week, so I'm actually doing three color. It's a three part series, all unfollow. Subscribe. Everyone up. Subscribes.

But this is the best part. Oh, and of. In all seriousness, I'm so happy that you joined the network because I. I'm so happy. It is like, I'm happy that we got to do this because this is just like a tease into who you are. Like, you are the funniest person I know. You are so good for podcasting because you can never shut the fuck up. Just like me. We are, right?

Like, people tell you to shut the fuck up all the time.

My family at family dinners is like, Alex, stop talk. Shut the fuck up. My brother's like, give me a win question.

What about your mother in law now, do they tell you to shut the fuck up?

No. She actually loves how, like, crazy I am. She loves it. My mother in law thinks it's, like, so amazing that I'm so kooky. She'll send me videos of myself online and be like, you're so funny in this. Like, oh, my God, like, let's talk about this at dinner. Like, she's. She loves that I'm kooky.

Okay.

I'm upset and. Cuz she's insane. She's fun insane. Oh, she's like, not insane. Like, bad.

No, but she's like, she's like somebody I should call, probably.

Oh, you love Lisa. You are gonna meet Lisa. You're gonna.

Wait.

Fucking calling Lisa. You're calling. She will. She loves to schmooze. She's like, done. Let's talk all the. Oh, my God. Obsessed.

I'm calling her.

I love it anyways, okay, your show, in your dreams. Can we talk about it?

Yeah, please.

What can the daddy gang expect? Like, talk about your show just a little bit of, like, what are you. What are you hoping that people come and why are you hoping people come and listen? Like, what can we expect?

Well, you can expect literally what you've seen in this episode, I think you could expect times ten.

Yes.

Which is so scary, right?

Cause I'm not gonna be there to keep you on the guardrails. You're not.

Which is really scary.

But it's gonna be so good.

It's scary. I think it should be on, like, Patreon, so people have to pay for it, and they can't actually, like, like, screenshot. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, this is. We're getting some dangerous right here.

And I think so many random good stories from LA that, like, are so random. Like, whenever I'm at dinner with you, you're just like, telling random stories that I'm like, you're just giving the tea that everyone wants to know. But it's comedy.

That's so.

You're hilarious. I think it's gonna be fun too, because you're set. I'm obsessed. I just saw, like, the picture.

My set is. Well, it feels like my childhood bedroom. Yes, it's my childhood bedroom. I think what people can expect from this is like feeling like you're on a sleepover.

Yes.

You know, and I feel like now that we're all older, I mean, some people are still young, so.

We're young.

Yeah, we're. I mean, I'm ten. I just actually just turned eleven. No, but I think now that we're a little older, I think sleepovers are rare for us. So I think, like, get into bed, get into bed with me. Do you know what I mean? Let's talk. Get into bed, get into bed. Let's bed. We won't do hand stuff. No, I promise.

We'll just talk.

We'll just talk.

We'll emotionally fuck each other this time. We'll know.

But I think. I think also there's, there's something really fun about being. Because I'm doing this late at night when I can't sleep. I think we're all loopy at that hour, even if you don't realize it.

Yes.

So it's just like fun things come out. It's just like random shit.

And I love, I personally love podcasts that are a bunch of random shit because I want to be listening while I'm, like, cleaning my closet on a Friday night if I don't go out or a Sunday, and I want to, like, feel like I'm laughing with my friend and I, you're so right about the sleepover aspect because I just went on a. To a wedding and I stayed in a house with my three best girlfriends and we were like, you got belly laughing. Like, I had not laughed this hard and so long. And we said, oh, my God, it's so different when you have a sleepover versus if you just get dinner. Because the one year happens at night.

100% right when you least also, it's like, why are you brushing your teeth like that? It's like weird shit like that. We're like, no, no, that is weird. That is weird.

You find out weird shit and you just get loopy. And I'm so excited for you. And you've also so much other shit going on. Tell me about everything. Tell me about everything. Brag, brag.

Well, Amazon show that. Knock on wood. Let's like, knock on everything. Knock on wood.

It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. Your life is insane. It's gonna happen.

Let's pray.

It's gonna.

I have that. And I'm on this FX show called Snowflakes. That's really fun. That I think everyone will like. It's about. It's about like, Gen Z culture and cancel culture and it's really fun.

Who for your. Would you. You wouldn't play yourself in your Amazon series, right?

You would.

That's so fucking iconic.

Fun. Really fun. I mean, here's the deal.

Who would you want to play Nana? Or is Nana dead in the plot? Oh, fuck.

No, she's not, actually. She's. She's there. Um, I would love Jane Fonda. Oh, how fun. But you. This is, right?

No, it dreams crazy.

Yeah. James will do my little show. It's like. No, she did. This woman is way bigger fish to fry.

Yeah. But, you know, parenthood is one of my favorite shows. When I look back at the show, you have. Do you ever watch Parenthood? Oh, my God. It was. It's fucking iconic. And they've iconic people in that show. You can get huge people. We're gonna manifest you. Cuz Jane. View cuz Jane. We'll call Jane.

We'll call Jake. You call Jane. Maybe she'll listen. Um, I don't know. I think I have that going on. I have this. I have this podcast which I'm so excited about. There's just little fun things that I think.

I'm just so happy if anyone is, like, being introduced to you today. I think this was like such a good, like, little starter moment to just kick you off because you are truly, like. I love podcasts. I really do. But your podcast, I already know, is something that I will genuinely want to listen to at all different times of the day. And I think sometimes you have those podcasts, like, well, I kind of need to listen to this, like, on my way to work or it's not. Or it's a late night thing. Yours is at all times. And I'm really excited.

Well, I hope people feel that way.

They will.

I know you do.

I. Trust me, they are going to feel that way. Owen, I love you.

This was. This was literally my dream. No, this was my dream.

We could have gone for five more hours.

No. And we should. And we're going, but this is my thank you for having me on.

I love you. It was an honor. I'm so happy. I love you. Welcome to the family. Oh, my God. And also your shirt.

Oh, I signed an NDA.

Clearly not.

I signed an NDA.

Clearly not.

In case you asked me some questions, you were like, I have so much drama in the zeitgeist. I have so much drama. Well, because I'm dating Nick Jonas. Right, we cut there.

Cut, cut. Goodbye. I love you.

I love you, dude.