Hey, it's springtime, and that means pollen and allergies for many of us. That's why we have our Air Doctor air purifier running right now. The indoor air that we breathe can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air. Indoor air pollutants can cause sneezing, congestion, scratchy throat, and even more serious health problems like lung and heart disease. That's why we rely on our Air Doctor, the air purifier that filters out 99.99% of dangerous contaminants so your lungs don't have to. This It includes allergens, pollen, pet dander, dust mites, mold spores, and even bacteria and viruses. Air Doctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. So if you don't love it, just send it back for a refund minus shipping. Head to airdrpro. Com and use promo code Calm, and you'll receive up to $300 off air purifiers. Our podcast listeners also receive a free three-year warranty on any unit, which is an additional $84 value. Lock in this special offer by going to airdoctorp. Com and use promo code Calm. So how many of you struggle with screen time in your home? Unless you're Amish, I imagine most of you do. How about getting on the same page as your spouse?

Yeah, probably most of us. So I wanted to do a bonus episode. I'm going to try to blunt, quick, direct talk in this one to give you some very helpful tools. So if you don't know us, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us at celebratecalm. Com. As you listen to our programs on that app, if you encounter situations you need clarity or need some help, just reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm. Com. Tell us what you're struggling with. We get together as a family. We'll help you out with that because that's what we're about. We're also pretty active on Instagram and on our Facebook page, too. Answering questions, trying to post helpful videos. But I love the podcast, and I hope you'll subscribe to the podcast so that it just automatically downloads to your phone or device so you can listen. But I love the podcast because I can go into more depth than I can on a 90-second video. So I was doing a phone. We were doing a brainstorming call with this couple because they're not on the same page and how to handle their really intense kid. And so in this case, it was an issue of, well, mom, mom is the empathetic one, and she talks like this with her son, and it's a little bit too sweet and too soft.

And with a strong will child, they don't respect that tone of voice. And I know this sounds weird, but that tone of voice creates a lot of instability for a very bright kid who knows what he or she wants and has a very definite opinions on things. That tone sounds very unsteady and like I'm relinquishing control to you, and I just want you to take charge, child, and tell me what is good for you. That doesn't work. You have to lead these kids. And so, moms, I know it makes some of you uncomfortable because to use an even matter of fact tone sounds cold to you. But to that child, it sounds very settling. Here's what it sounds like. I've been here before. I've seen this before. I've been through life. When you're at your worst, I can handle you. When your world is out of control, mine's not out of control. Everything's going to be okay because I'm leading you. And in our society, we make things as if it's an either or thing because the dad, in this case, is too harsh. His tone gets a a little bit pointed and sharp. Neither of the parents are doing anything wrong.

And that's the really hard part about parenting a strong will child or neurodivergent child is that you're not doing anything wrong. It's just that it doesn't work. And so the dad, as a normal dad, gets a little bit easily frustrated. In this case, it's a five-year-old, and he's frustrated like, How many times do I have to tell you how to use a fork? And so he's getting on his son about using a fork in in the proper way. Why? Because I'm a dad and because I project into the future, if you can't learn how to use a fork at age five, how are you going to go to business meetings when you're 25? And so dad's tone is too harsh. And so right in between those two is this calm, even, matter of fact manner, very business-like manner. It is very, very grounding for your kids. So I see this on Instagram all the time when I do a post on how to calm an upset child. It's either it's like, well, you just have to be really soft like this and let your kids walk all over you or the others. Oh, just use the belt.

Use the back hand. That'll straighten them out. I'm like, it doesn't have to be either or. A good leader, which is what we're called to be, is able to lead your child without being too soft or accommodating, but without being too harsh and crushing a child's spirit. It's right in between those two. If you go back and look in February, I did a really good foundational podcast podcast on, it's something called from authoritarian, from authoritarian, because most of us, a lot of us were raised with that. We don't want to be authoritarian. But to being a good authoritative leader without being too sweet. So I'd Listen to that. So this couple, here's what we worked on, them getting on the same page with their tone of voice, practicing that tone of voice. See, we didn't have to figure everything out because they're not always going to agree on everything. But if they start using the same tone of voice, then that sounds the same to their child. And there's something magical happens. When you start talking like this in this tone, it automatically takes the edges off of you of either being too accommodating or too harsh.

Practice the tone. I encourage the dad. As his wife makes progress in speaking like this, she's going to struggle and think, Oh, it sounds cold. I don't feel as nurturing. So I wanted dad to say, Honey, you are the best mother on the of the planet. You can't be mean if you tried. So I'm proud of you for working on and using that voice. And likewise, I want the wife saying, Hey, honey, you know what? You're doing a really good job because I know that was frustrating what our son was doing. And I could see it on your face, but you adjusted your tone. You handled that really well. Affirm each other, help each other. Do a reset for each other. Even say the word. Like, Reset. Honey, we just need to reset. Or come over. Touch his arm, his forearm. A little touch on the hand is a little bit of a reset instead of like, You know what? You need to watch your tone. Kirk said, not talk like that. That's not really helpful. A good one in the moment. You're in a in the kitchen and you're getting upset and it's like, Hey, honey, could you do me a favor?

Could you reach that bowl from high up in the cupboard? And just having 10 seconds away from the situation helps me reset. I talk to the dad, Here's a weird little one. Sometimes we as men, and I know some of you as moms do this, too, but I know for sure, men, we think our entire job as a dad is just to correct our kids, and sometimes our wives. It doesn't work that well. So we think like, Well, my job is just to walk around the house and I catch kids not doing things the right way or the way that I perceive that they need to be, so I have to correct them. Well, it just doesn't work well. So I said, Instead of correcting all the time, why don't you be the coach? I didn't say friend, right? It's not like, Well, let's just be their friend. No, I want to be their coach because a coach comes alongside. See, what happens in discipline now is that it becomes very me against you. I'm the authority figure over here. You're the child over there. And there's a chasm between us. And I'm just going to correct you when you're doing things wrong until you finally feel like you can never please me.

That's not good discipline. Good discipline is I come alongside. I'm like, Son, look, you keep doing things that hurt you. It's not hurting me. I'm a grown man. But I'm curious why you yelled at your mother when you know that that causes you to lose things. What's going on that would lead you to yell at your mother or to hit your sister? Because I want to help you with whatever is causing that frustration, that anger. And I'm talking to them like this, not like, Honey, I know it's okay because sometimes people get mad. That language sounds so condescending to a strong-willed child. I talk to them like an adult. Hey, I heard that tone of voice you used with your sister, with your mom. I saw how you did that. That's not working in our home. So I'm curious, what's going on? Did something happen at school? Something happened at soccer practice? What's going on? Because I want to help you with that. See, that tone is very grounding. And so that's a coaching I hesitate to say that because men are going to be like, I'm not their friend. I'm not asking you to be their friend.

I'm asking you to come alongside and use the same tone that a coach does. Sometimes it just helps to do that. I also talk to them about this because I know the dynamic. Mom, sometimes this mom is going to want to spoil or baby her little child. And so here's where you need to communicate moms and dads. So mom can say to husband, Hey, hubby, look, I know this situation, we may disagree. I want to use my mommy card here and be able to spoil him, baby him a little bit. Can I do that? Because I'd really like to right now. And then for dad, sometimes say, Hey, honey, look, I know the situation. I want to pull the dad card here because sometimes I do want to be tough on him because I want to expect more of him or her. See, that way, you're not just doing things to undermine each other. It's not building resentment. See, she just coddles him all the time. That's why he misbehaves because she's always coddling him. And then mom's not resentful. Like, he can't even control himself. He's so harsh. I think, look, most of you, your motives are good.

It's just that sometimes you don't use the right tone and you go too far and you can't control yourselves in your own anxiety. So you've got to work on that. But I like the idea of expressly communicating. Hey, honey, I know that we disagree right now, but can I use the mommy card? Or, Honey, I know we disagree. Could I use the dad card? I'm not going to freak out on your son. I just believe that he's capable of handling this, and I want him to feel the confidence that comes from handling adversity and doing it the hard way. See, that's an honest discussion between you. Okay, enough of that. Work on that. If you get the get everything package on our website, it comes with the marriage program. I'll do a 10 second thing for this. Most men don't want to go to marriage therapy because it feels like they're being teamed up on by their wife and the therapist. In our program, I talk to guys like guys. It's very practical. You can do it from home. It saves you a ton of money. By the way, that whole thing, you get all of that.

There's a spring sail on. Get all of that for basically the price of one or two trips to see a therapist. And it's often better than therapy, especially for kids. Okay, so here's what I wanted to hit. Now, this is going to be tough. I'm just going to be blunt with it. Why Guys, if your husband is resistant to changing and he's destroying the relationship with his child and being too hard, I think you need to be direct. This is coming from someone who's worked with a lot of people, a lot of husbands and wives. I am one of four boys in my family. I raised a son. I'm around a lot of guys. We like very direct talk. And so I would not be opposed. In fact, I'd encourage you at some point to say, Honey, you're being a jerk to your five-year-old, to your 15-year-old. It's not working, and I'm beginning to lose respect for you. I didn't sign up for this. See, that's short and sweet. Now, the real word I wanted to use Which I do encourage you, if you're comfortable with it, is to say, You know what? You're being a...

The D-word is four letters. It's what men say to each other a lot because we get it very quick. Hey, don't be a... And we get it instantly. Hey, you're being a D-word to your five-year-old, to your nine-year-old, to your 15-year-old. It's not working, and I'm losing respect for you. I think that's an honest statement, and I think it will impact your husband. He's not going to like it at first, but it's a true statement, and we care about respect a lot. And the reason you're losing respect for your husband is because you thought you were marrying a grown man, and he's actually acting like a child because he can't control himself. And this works both ways. But I'm picking on men because that's usually what's happening more in our world. And I'm a man. I don't really pick on women. You know why? Because women pick on themselves enough. Women read all the parenting books, all the parenting blogs, listen to all the podcasts, and you work so hard, and you never feel like you're doing a good enough job. So I don't need to lay more stuff on moms, usually, except to control your anxiety, stop talking too sweetly, right?

And It do more for yourself so you don't get resentful. But that tone with your husband, I didn't sign up for this. You could go even further and say, Look, we either work at this. I had a couple today, beautiful. They ordered the programs and they said, Hey, do we each get them because we go on walks together and we listen to your podcast together and then discuss it? But can we get it on our own phones? And I was like, Absolutely. You have it forever. You get it on your own phone so you can listen together separately. See, you tell your husband, Look, this is a free podcast. We listen to this. Otherwise, this ends up in a therapist's office, which is going to be thousands of dollars, or an attorney's office, which is tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. But be direct with us, wives. Don't let us off the hook because we'll dismiss you all the time. Okay, I got to move on from that. So one of the other things with this family and many families, is they're doing the thing of like, Well, motion changes emotions. So the child's getting upset and they're like, Honey, do you want to do push-ups right now?

Would you like to do some breathing exercises? And for the most part, with many of their kids, they're going to be like, No, because I'm really frustrated. I'm upset and I'm angry. And so I'm not necessarily always going to ask them. I'd rather you lead them because when they say, Honey, why don't you do your push-ups? Why don't you do your breathing exercises? What it feels like is, I really need you to calm down right now because you're really dysregulated and upset. And so why don't you do this right now? It's trying to try to fix them. And people resist that. I'd rather you come in the room and say, You know what? I can tell you're frustrated. I'm frustrated, too. I had a bad day at work. So you know what I do? I like doing some heavy work. I've got some bags of topsoil in the backyard. Will you come out? Do you think you could help me lift one of those? Do you think you could help me push that across the lawn? Hey, you know what I just remembered? I love doing that. Oh, you know what I just remembered? Because when I say that, it's buying me like three seconds to come up with something to do in the moment to get me out of that where I want to be like, Calm down, little kid or 15-year-old.

And now with a little kid, I can say, You know what I just remember? We haven't done the obstacle course in a while. Won't we go up back? And I'll time you. Let's see if you can get through your entire obstacle course in less than a minute. Or let's do a race. Or I've mentioned this before, a kid who loves fish. Oh, you know what I remember? Hey, we're going this weekend to fish. Won't we go to the garage? When you're ready, meet me out in the garage. Let's organize our fishing gear in those lures because organizing things, counting things, gives me a sense of control if I'm a little kid or a big kid, and it helps me calm down. But the whole idea I wanted to get across here is lead your kids. Stop asking them and lead them. And that leads me to my third point. Lead your kids instead of saying, Guys, do you want to go to the museum tomorrow because they have this really new exhibit. I think you're really like, No, I don't think so. No. Kids, do you want to go to the park? No. Too hot, too human.

Don't want to go. Well, it's such a beautiful day. It would be such a shame to waste. Don't try to convince your kids. They're not looking to be convinced, and you can't anyway. So I want you to learn to lead them. And so that's our job as parents is to lead them. And so I would rather you say, Hey, in the morning, I know you're doing your thing from 9:00 to 10:00. After that, we're going to the museum. We're going to the park. But I don't want to go to the park. I don't want to do it. I know you don't. We're going. And you lead. That's not being too harsh. Watch what I'm not doing. I'm not getting personal. You know what? All you do is sit around and play video games all day. When I was a kid, I'm not doing any of that. I don't use a lot of words. When I lead, I lead with my actions and with my attitude. But I don't try to convince. I don't try to bribe. I just lead. And I learned that we had 1,500 kids in our home over the course of a decade.

None of them ever wanted to do anything I wanted to do. And so I learned if I would start walking and they would complain, This is boring. This is the dumbest camp ever. I'm tired. I don't turn around. I don't react to it. I keep walking. And I engage them in some other conversation. Even a matter of fact, Lead them. Let's lead with screens. Look, I can't do all of our screen stuff. We have a whole program. You get with a package on controlling screens so they don't control your home. But let's start with one thing this coming week. So I just did an Instagram video on this, and here's what I basically said. I I said, Today is a great day because it is technology-free Tuesday. And so go Amish on your kids tonight and cut off electricity. Okay, don't cut off electricity. But let's just do two hours. One night this coming week, just do two hours of screen free time. It can be from 5:00 to 7:00, from 6:00 to 8:00, from 7:00 to 9:00. It doesn't matter to me. You do it for your home. And that means everybody does that, including dad.

We're all on the same page. And so guess what's going to happen? Because your kids are going to be But what are we going to do? And your answer is going to be like, Well, probably be bored and be uncomfortable. We're going to sit in our discomfort of not having our screens, and you're not going to be happy. That's what we're going to do. So your kids aren't going to be happy with this. Your job as a parent is not to make them happy. It is to lead and to teach them. You know what's best for them. So get a board game out. It gives your kids an opportunity to say, You know why they call it board games? Because it makes us bored and they're boring. And so while you're playing the board game, they're going to be so miserable. And your teenager is going to be sitting there glaring you with this solid look on their face like they hate you and you're the Antichrist. I want you to play that board game with joy. Whether you're a single parent and you play by yourself and move different pieces around the board, guess what?

You're going to win because you're playing alone. Awesome. If you're playing with your spouse, have fun. Lead them. Eventually, eventually, Eventually, they will join in. Better yet, go outside. If you can, get outside. Ride your bikes, go for a hike, hide stuff, do a treasure hunt, build a fort, go down by the stream and skip rocks, go in the woods, or if you're in a subdivision, that those eight trees that they left. Build something in there. Dig. Do the stuff we did as kids. Play ding, ding, ditch. Well, you can't anymore because of the stupid ring doorbell. You'll get caught. Play some old-school games. Go for an ice cream. Make a new tradition. Connect again. Show your kids what it's like and lead them for 2 hours without screens. I guarantee if you start doing that, you're going to reintroduce them to some other things that are fun, but you're doing it with them. When we were kids, it was go outside and play, but we could also go outside and play anywhere. We were literally as a kid, we were gone 8, 10 hours a day, and our parents didn't even know where we were or what we were doing.

And we got home, they didn't even ask. At your kids now, you've got to get outside and lead them and show them how to do it. So take advantage of that. Do that. Look, we've got a whole program on screens, and it's really important, but we don't have to tackle the big thing. This is a doable one that every family can do, whether you have 4-year-olds, 8, 9, 10, 12, 17-year-olds. Just do it. This is what we do in our homes. So lead with that. If we can help you out, let us know. Reach out to Casey at celebratecalm. Com. Share the podcast if you find it helpful. Join us on Instagram or Facebook for our discussions, and let us know how we can help you. We know this is really hard. We know you get judged as a parent. We know none of this is easy, but we want to walk alongside you, and we want to help you through this. So however we can help you, let us know. Okay, love you all. You're good parents. You're listening to a parenting podcast. You're good parents. Get all the bad parents to start listening.

Just kidding. Okay, love you all. Bye.