As most of you know, our son just got married, and he paid for his wedding and honeymoon in cash from an extra job. Why? Because one of the best habits we taught him, by example, was saving and investing even when we didn't have much money. And that's why I'm excited that today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for your future, and you don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest with Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just your spare change. Acorns recommends an expert-built portfolio that fits you and your money goals, then automatically invest your money for you. Saving and investing is one of the best habits you can model for your kids. Head to acorns. Com/come or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors, LLC, and SCC-registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns. Com/come. So do you have a child who comes in the kitchen in the morning or greets you when you get home in the afternoon, demanding something, or they've got this single-minded focus that they're going to do something.

And they don't walk in and ask. They just start doing it. So you rightfully and reasonably say no to their request, and then it sets off a huge power struggle, meltdowns, constant arguing, throwing things, throwing words around. So how can you handle these situations without losing your mind or your relationship? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm. Com. Two quick notes. We are still enjoying our son's wedding and extended family time. So I'm going ask you to wait another week before emailing about specific issues you're encountering. And here's an unexpected benefit to that. Just last night, a couple from the Netherlands emailed and said, Hey, we're thinking about emailing you about these two issues. But instead, we listened to the Stop Sibling Fights and Stop Battles Over Screens programs. Those are two of the programs in the package that you get and ask, What would the calm guy do? And they said, I'm happy to tell you, we figured it out ourselves and it's working. Look, that's the coolest part of this.

I want to equip you. I want to empower you. I hate that word. I want to give you tools so that you can internalize this. And I can tell you, as you listen to the programs on the app and you get it inside of you, your tone of voice, how you see situations, it begins to become more automatic, more natural, your response, all the scripts start to add up. And so what's really is now you feel confident. This couple feels confident like, Hey, we handled that. We applied the principles. So they ended the email and said, We would say it's like falling with your nose in the butter. And I guess that's a Dutch phrase for it was an unexpected surprise. So to our Dutch friends out there, badunkt. And this episode is dedicated to Carmine. Carmine is an amazing young man who listens to the podcast with his dad before bedtime time. Hey, Carmine, thanks for listening. You've got a great future ahead of you, and I'm proud to know you're listening. So here's some insight into your Strong Will kids. These are kids with busy brains who are often visual, and they get excited about their ideas.

Look, think about this. They begin, they wake up, they picture something in their brains, and now they've got a mission, they've got a vision, and they want to carry that out. That is going to serve them so well in life. It's also going to cause endless power struggles with parents and teachers because their ideas are going to come into conflict with what you and teachers want them to do each day. And look, if you can teach your kids to craft their lives correctly, they'll get to pursue their curiosity more often than they just have to simply follow the dictates of others. And I know it's a balance, but this is the way your kids are made. So be intentional this. You're not going to change their nature, but you can teach them to be patient, to be selfless, to be responsible. We're going to get into that. It's really cool. I'm excited about this podcast. Let's say your child wakes up and already has an agenda. And this is an example from a family I was working with, and their son geeks out on doing new things. And like many of our kids, this child likes doing adult-type activities.

Do not dismiss or ignore this insight, that trait. Use it to your advantage. Your kids are often not that awesome at being a kid. They're not that great at navigating the kid world. The really good news is we're not raising our kids to be kids. We're raising them to be adults. And these kids actually happen to be very good in the adult world. It just means you're going to have to shift your perspective. So use that to your advantage. So here's a common situation You can plug in your own, but let me use this because it's a good one. So in this case, their son wanted to come downstairs, intent on making coffee. And that's not that weird. Casey drank coffee from a young age. It actually calmed him down and actually helped him focus, brain stimulation. So child comes in an intent on making coffee. Now, you, as the mom or dad, have 13 good reasons that your son should not make coffee then. And all of your reasons are They're standable, they're reasonable, and you're not being wrong at all. We've talked about this, haven't we? It's not that you're doing anything wrong.

That's what makes it so difficult with a strong-willed child because the things that work on your compliant everyday other kids, they backfire on this child. So you're not being wrong. But it's also true that sometimes we, as parents, get in the habit of reflexively saying no to our kids. And isn't that ironic, given that our strong will kids reflexively say no to things that we ask them to do? So this week, I want you to catch yourself, think for a couple of seconds, and then find a way to say yes to something they can do within your boundaries. Look, there's nothing wrong with saying no to your child. In fact, if you go through our programs, I'll actively show you how and when to say no, because it is very important, as a way to teach your child how to handle the inevitable disappointments in life. It's important to learn how to say no. It's important for you to know, especially young moms and dads, that it's okay that your kids are mad at you sometimes because that just means you're being not a strict parent, a responsible parent, because you know what's best for them.

But in most of these cases, here's what I want you to do, and I want you to practice that this coming week. Find something you can say yes to within your boundaries. It may not be exactly what your child is wanting or demanding, but I want you to find a way to say yes. When I was talking to these parents, what hit me was this. This kid is coming downstairs and his brain is firing on all cylinders. He woke up, got that vision in his brain, and wanted to carry it out. He's got an agenda. He's got a mission to complete. So what I wanted them to do, this first thing every morning, give his brain a win. I know that's a weird phrase, but it's important to create successes, to get positive momentum and feed that brain in very healthy ways. And look, I I know this is hard for some of you because your kids' brains work differently than yours do, and so we often misjudge their motives. If you do get our programs, go through the Stop Power Struggles, Stop Power Struggles with a Strong-willed Child. It is foundational to understand understanding, how do their brains work?

Because otherwise, we're going to label them all the time as they're defiant, they're disobedient, they're rebellious. Sometimes they are, but usually it's something else. Look, I know this is hard because your kids don't come into the kitchen or greet you after work and say, Mother, Father, thank you for providing all of these opportunities for us that you never had. May I please make some coffee? May I please do X now? I'd appreciate it if you'd let me. They're not going to do They just head straight to the coffee pot and they begin doing their thing. They begin getting into stuff. And in your head, you're like, Dude, you don't even know what you're doing. What are you doing? There's a way to do this. Why don't you ask me? If you would just ask me, I would help you out, or you just go right to your no. But they just head for it, and they start doing it, and they're relentless, and they wear you down. And when you try to explain rationally why they can't make coffee this morning, it just triggers a big fight. Then they ask, why? Or they'll just ignore you.

And then you're going to be tempted to respond with your own tone. You know what? I said no. Did you not hear me? Listen, there are times when you can... And then you trail off into some useless lecture. But tomorrow, I want you to use this process instead, or maybe this afternoon. Check your own anxiety, check your own control issues, check your own triggers, and then do this. Number one, say yes to the idea and concept first by affirming something positive. You know what? I think making coffee is a great idea. Now, do you really? No, because you know he's going to leave a big mess, and you just don't want to have to deal with that this morning. You've got other stuff that needs to go on, and you don't have time with all your kids to get all this done. But this isn't some moral issue. It's just a preference. So you bite your tongue and you hear yourself adding this. You know what? I actually think it's pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. See, that's a shift because here's what our real thoughts are.

Great. You're motivated to make coffee. A grown up thing, but it can't even get you to put your dishes in the sink, take out the trash, or do one assignment in school. I get that. But this is what we're doing here. This is what we're about, is shifting your perspective with this child because the traditional perspective It will not ever work. It'll ruin relationships, and you won't get them to behave anyway. So watch how cool that is. You know what? I think it's actually pretty cool and grown up that you know how to do this at your age. Number two, then say yes to him making coffee, but add a challenge. Make it more grown up. Hey, could you make me a cup? In fact, I've got an idea. Could you look up some different recipes with some healthy spices you could begin adding to our coffee, like ginger or turmeric. See, instead of the immediate shutdown and ensuing power struggle, you are now engaging him and giving him a challenge. When we moved into our home last summer, the winds here blew dust around so much. It felt more difficult to breathe. But we feel like we're breathing easier this year, and we like that feeling.

The only thing that's different is that we have our Air Doctor air purifier air running. The indoor air that we breathe can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air. We rely on our Air Doctor air purifier because it filters out 99.99% of dangerous contaminants so your lungs don't have to. This includes allergens, pet dander, dust mites, and mold spores. Airdoctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. So if you don't love it, just send it back for a refund minus shipping. Head to airdoctorpro. Com and use promo code Calm, and you'll receive up to $300 off air purifiers. Our podcast listeners also receive a free three-year warranty on any unit, which is an additional $84 value. Lock in this special offer by going to airdrpro. Com and use promo code Calm. But here's your question, aren't you just giving in? You could make that argument, but I would make the argument that we make these decisions every single day in our interactions with others and ourselves. Look, I compromise with myself daily at the gym when I choose an easier workout over a tougher one, but I still worked out. I do it daily with my family and friends.

I put aside what I want or what is most comfortable to me, and I compromise to the degree that it maximizes our relationship without tipping me in to resentment. See, if you're always compromising and always doing everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself, moms, if you're always doing that because you learn that from your mom, it's generational pattern you need to break, otherwise you're just going to be resentful. After all I do for you. See, if you're doing that, that's not healthy. You compromise to the degree, and you don't have to call it compromise. You could call it being selfless, because that's one of our core things is I want to be selfless and I want to put others before me. But I do that to the degree that it maximizes our relationship relationship without tipping me into resentment. Are you giving in to your spouse or friends when you agree to meet halfway or change your mind or put their preferences above yours? No. But we have this idea sometimes with the parent-child relationship that it's different. It's some dictatorship in which the authority figures primary purpose is to wield ultimate executive power in some insecure bid for power and to train his or her subject to learn how to obey.

Look, much of that that we have comes from these misconceptions that we have, this upbringing in which authoritarian parents merely pass down law-based religious conceptions. Some of you have that deep inside of you. I sure did. But I don't want my son to obey me. I want him to trust me because I have his best interests at heart, because we've built a trusting relationship. I don't need him to carry out my arbitrary wishes or do things out of obligation because I'm the authority figure in the home. I want him to do these things because out of the generosity of his heart, this is reciprocated because hopefully this has been molded and modeled by his mom and dad, by how we treat him and others in the world. So out of that, our child, your child, reciprocates with selfless acts and kindness because he wants to, not because he has to, not out of obligation or out of fear. So I encourage you, wrestle with these ideas of what a good authority figure is. Because in my life, what I found is good authority figures are patient and they walk alongside me. Look, they don't let me get away with my BS, and they challenge me, but they walk alongside me and show me how to do that instead of just demanding it from above.

Okay, so back to our example. You and your kids, look, you and your kids are not equals when it comes to decision making power. You have the ultimate You can say no whenever you want, and that's completely fine. But I want to encourage you, because you are the one with power, to exercise it with humility, especially with the strong will kids. Again, not giving in. We don't have to be permissive, but also don't have to go, I'm the authority figure. I told you to do it. Your job is to obey. In between there is a trusting relationship. In this situation, give your child's brain a win. Create a success. Number three, give your child some ownership. You know, if you listen to our programs, we talk all the time about giving your kids ownership of their choices within your boundaries. It's really powerful. So maybe you say, Hey, why don't you become the barista of our home? You're giving your child some ownership of this task and asking him to assume a more adult-like, more responsible position. See, this is what I'm really after. I don't want your kids just to do what you tell to do all the time.

That's fine. But then I'm setting them up for a life in which their job is to go through life just doing things that they're supposed to do. I wanted to raise a responsible child. I want more responsibility. So let me keep going with this. Let me repeat that. You're giving your child ownership of the task, and you're actually asking your child to assume a more adult-like, more responsible position. Now, number four, I affirm again, Hey, that's That's really cool. Why don't you be in charge of this every morning? Actually, I'm going to give you a challenge. Maybe you could come up with some different recipes, and maybe once a week, you could cook a meal for us because I think you make an excellent chef. See, you're lifting your child up now and expecting more of your child. See, in saying no all the time, you're just asking your child to be obedient to your wishes. But we're actually asking something greater of your child to learn to be more responsible, to use his or her gifts, talents, and passions, and desires to do something constructive for the family. They're going to struggle to do their chores, but often, if you change that around and you're like, Hey, cooking a meal for us once a week.

Awesome. That's teaching you to be responsible, which is what we're after. It's a lot better than just having you do some little chore. So I'd rather, I mentioned this before, and you're really going to have to wrestle with this, moms and dads, I'd rather raise a responsible child than an obedient child. An obedient child merely carries out instructions. A responsible child must think, use his or her gifts creatively, and serve a higher purpose. And that's a critical paradigm shift. I can tell you with a grown son, the reason he is so good at what he does, both with celebrate calm and his other full-time job, is that he's extremely responsible. He's very good in the adult world. So watch what happens with this. Instead of just complaining to your spouse, to friends, to yourself, that your child is disobedient to your largely arbitrary wishes, instead, watch, you begin to change the narrative in your heart and in your child's head and heart to this, I have a child who is responsible and capable of doing adult-type jobs, and that is going to make my child wildly successful in the real world. See the difference? He never listens to anything I say.

She doesn't follow through on things. He doesn't do his chores. Why can't they ever do? Instead, my narrative is, Man, I give my child a child challenge, and this child steps up and takes ownership of it. Now, I don't even have to worry about it because they're hugely responsible when they're doing these things. My child is going to kill it in the adult world because otherwise, we spend 18 years trying to get them to care about what we care about and try to be good at being a kid and good at doing schoolwork all the time. We crush their confidence. We kill their confidence. Instead, I look out to the future and say, Man, this is going to serve you well in the real world. Now, here's number five, and this is going to be tough for you. Know that your child in this situation is going to leave little droplets of coffee and cream and spill sugar and leave little wrappers on the counter. And he's not going to clean up the right way. And I can say that with pretty much 100% certainty. So what's your response to this? One of two things.

One, you could go a little bit more even matter of fact, say, Hey, no more barista job and definitely no tip until you learn how to clean up. Look, I'm perfectly fine with that. What I don't like is, You know what? If you're not going to learn how to clean up, you're not going to get to do coffee anymore. See, it's that snotty tone. It's that endless lecture. We really need to learn how to clean up here because if you don't learn, stop all the lectures. Talk to them like adults. Look how quick that... Hey, just want you to know, love what you're doing. Love the barista. But fantastic. You're doing grown up things. You're responsible. But look, no more barista job and definitely no tip because I like in this situation, occasionally, if they go above and beyond, leaving a little tip of some kind. Hey, no tip until you learn how to clean up. I like that a lot. I would try that. Look, some of your kids, they just don't clean up, and they're not. And so you can say, Oh, you're letting them get away with it. But you've tried to make them do it 87 times, and they just don't.

And in that case, I just put some music on. I smile. You savor your coffee while you're cleaning up next to your child, smiling and having a conversation and telling them how much you love their coffee and giving a vision for their lives of all the other responsible things they could begin doing. Now, I know this is not the way you always pictured your home running. This isn't how you pictured your child behaving because some of you grew up in these really rigid homes. It's like, I'm just going to tell them what to do, and they're just going to do it. Then you had a strong-willed child, and they brought out all of your immaturity and your triggers so you can work on it and grow up and be free from all these traps. But look, this is what I'm talking. This is the reality. This is the child you've been given. And watch what you just did here, which is cool. You took what was a certain power struggle. You Nobody wins in a power struggle. It always results in tears and strained relationships. And you turned it into a bonding moment because you stepped back from your own anxiety and you paused for a minute and you found a way to say yes to something.

So this week, I want you to think of some common situations in your home in which you and your spouse act like Dr. No all the time. Begin to rethink those situations and think, how can we be creative? How can we get to yes to something? How can we encourage our kids to use his or her gifts and become more responsible all within our acceptable boundaries? Just make sure your boundaries are big enough. Don't be so rigid. Watch your child's expression when you say, I usually say no to that, but I'm going to say yes today with these specific conditions. See, I actually believe you can do this really well. And you could even add this. You know what? I wonder if you could even do this better I can do it. See, now that's motivating. And I know this stuff isn't easy. I understand I'm challenging many of your most deeply held beliefs and assumptions about parenting. So I appreciate you wrestling with these ideas. Look, I like to laugh and be light-hearted, but the stakes are high here because if we keep picking these power struggles, this will destroy relationships and lives for decades with serious fallout.

So it's important that you really wrestle with these ideas. And I'm going to ask you to do this for a a few weeks. Do it for a month. See how it works. See how your child responds. You're going to be uncomfortable and you're going to question yourself. Every good family is going to say, Are we letting our child get away with things? But they don't do X and Y, but they do these things. Other people are going to judge you, and that's normal. It's good to wrestle. I encourage you, keep listening to the podcast. If you have the programs, download them to the app. Tell us. We'll share it with your spouse. We'll share the programs with your parents so everybody's on the same page. Let your kids listen. Look what... Carmine is listening this podcast. Let them listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program because Casey, our son, will encourage him and challenge him. Hey, you got to learn how to control yourself because if you learn how to control yourself, your parents don't have to. It's really cool. If you need some help, if you need help with the products or financial assistance, reach out to us at kccaycey, C-A-E-S-E-Y@celebratecome.

Com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being open to a different way. And thanks for sharing the you all. Bye-bye.