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Welcome to the Autism, ADHD podcast. I am so happy that you join me today. I want to take a moment and ask for your help. Please take just a second and give the podcast podcast, a five-star review. This will help me continue the podcast and keep bringing you helpful information. Thanks so much again for taking the time to give that five-star review. Now, let's get started. Welcome, Kirk Martin, to the Autism, ADHD podcast.

Hey, Holly. I'm psyched to be here. This is awesome.

I'm so glad that you're here, too. I'm going to introduce you real quick. Celebrating The great calm. Com founder and Calm Parenting podcast host, Kirk Martin, has shown almost 1 million parents how to stop the yelling, defiance, and power struggles while building a close connection with neurovirgin children. Kirk is known for very practical strategies and scripts delivered with humor and compassion. And you and I are both all about the humor and compassion.

Yes. Sometimes too much.

Maybe sometimes too Okay, so today we're going to talk about these eight Must know, Nerd or Virgin parenting tips that are also really good for therapists and educators. So these are excellent for everyone. Are you ready?

I am ready.

All right. Number one, your kid is not broken.

Yeah, they're not... Society sends a message that your kids are broken, that there's something wrong with them, and there isn't. They're different, but they're not broken, and there's nothing wrong with them. Sometimes you have to go through a grieving process. We did, especially me. To be honest, I didn't like my son when he was little because everything's difficult. You're always told, Well, if you're just firm and you follow through, when you give him consequences, your kids will listen to you. We did all those right things. And yet he was still... Everything was just different. All the typical strategies from all the typical books and typical advice backfired on our son. Our first thought was, Uh-oh, what if there's something wrong with him? And your mindset becomes, Oh, we need to fix this kid. Kids, nobody likes to be fixed. Now, part of our change was it was just me. It was my own control issues. I couldn't control myself, all my anxiety. So when I began to change myself, I saw my son in a different way. But you have to go through sometimes a grieving process of like, Hey, our Because look, when you become a parent, you have this vision of like, Well, we're going to have kids in the white picket fence, and we're going to raise them according to these good principles, and they're going to grow up and just go through high school and go to college and get a good job.

Then somewhere along the line, you figure out, Uh-oh. We were joking before of all the kids who make honor roll. When our son was little, our bumper sticker was like, Our son didn't get suspended this semester. We were like, Good semester. Son. But I don't want to go through life trying to fix them or think there's something wrong. And by the way, I don't want you as parents to think you did something wrong. You didn't cause something to go wrong. We can adjust how we parent them, obviously, but there's nothing wrong with them, and you didn't do something wrong either.

I love how you say that because I think that's true. That's something that comes up a lot, this idea where if someone If prom doesn't look this way, then we need to fix them. And what we do, and I think that's a human thing to think. And I was sharing with you before we started recording. It's like, oh, I see all these people posting pictures of prom and whatever, and that looks so fun. But that doesn't mean that my kids are wrong or need fixed because maybe they won't do those things because that interest them. And so I think that it's this very different way of thinking. If you catch yourself thinking, we need to fix this or this needs to happen or all the shoulds come in, I think that's great to be able to Forgive yourself first for thinking those things. Definitely don't say them. Think about changing your approach because one way isn't the best way. It's just the way you thought maybe things would happen or the way you usually see things happen. That doesn't mean that it's the right way.

There's not one way. It's the individual child has a path. Look, I think our kids are going to have the more difficult path in the short term. I always like to say it's almost like they get the hard living out of the way as kids. I do joke, but I think it's true that sometimes the compliant, easygoing kids that sail through childhood, when they're 25 and they get fired from their first job, they're like, Oh, my gosh, someone rejected me. The strong hotel is going to be like, Nobody's like me since I was born. They're used to facing challenges. There is a certain amount of this that you have to see I guess the advantage I have is our son is 30 now. Seeing the arc of life that's like all those things our son struggled with when he was a kid actually make him very strong and resilient in the adult world now. So perspective really helps. And that's why I'm glad you have your podcast because every week it's like perspective, perspective, perspective, and it really helps people.

Well, I appreciate that. And when I think about walking in, and I'm neurodivergent myself. I know you are as well. So walking in those shoes and thinking when I was younger, where I did this wrong and I did that wrong, and everything I did was wrong, is what it felt like. I don't know if that was your experience, but I don't want that for my kids. I want them to know that they are accepted for the awesome people they are, even though it may not be this path that I thought or we all did and you referred to. Like, oh, this is the path. You go through school and you graduate and you go to college and then you get married and you have kids or whatever. But who decided that? Who decided that that was the way it needed to be? And it doesn't. This path looks different for them, but it's not bad. Does that make sense? It's not less in any way.

Yeah, and I think it's important to normalize that and to say... I love the phrase, of course. Of course, your path is different because you're different, but there's nothing wrong with that. Your path will look different than the other kids. What I taught my son is, you're going to struggle in these areas. It wasn't saying you're weak. No, you're just naturally going to struggle. With authority figures, you're always going to want to speak up and do it a different way. Here's an appropriate way to do it differently. I think normalizing, I could have used that as a kid because as a kid, I felt like in high school, I knew I just didn't fit, but I knew one day I'd be good husband, good dad. I knew I'd do well in the adult world, and I wish I had someone come along and say, You know what? This stuff is fleeting. You're only going to be a teenager for a little while. You're going to be an adult for 70 years. Just get through it. That's what I tell middle school kids. This is the hardest time of your entire life. If you feel awkward as a middle schooler, good, you should because you're really awkward.

I'm kidding. You don't say that. But you normalize things. Can I do one other thing, Holly? Because it's a big deal to me.

Of course.

I know it's off of our little thing, but it's that normalizing anxiety for kids. Anxiety is a very typical comorbid thing that comes with neurodivergent people. I think one of, this is my own opinion, is one of the worst things we're doing with kids is being like, Oh, I'm sorry, you have anxiety. Let's talk to someone about your anxiety all the time. You'll make someone really anxious. I'd rather normalize and say, Of course you're anxious about going to that new taekwondo class. You're having to go to someplace new. You don't know anybody. You struggle getting along with kids your own age. You're nervous about that. You're not always great at doing sports. You should be anxious about going to a new place rather than saying, I don't know why you're anxious. There's nothing to worry about. Then the child begins to Well, if I shouldn't be anxious, but I am, maybe there's something wrong with me. I'd rather tell them, No, of course. Of course, that writing assignment that you're doing is hard because you have this busy brain with all these ideas, and it's really hard to get those thoughts from head to paper.

I'm going to give you some tools to do it differently, but of course, that's hard. Because otherwise, we consistently say, Look, if you would just focus, that assignment isn't hard. Well, if it's hard for me, then I must be stupid and there's something wrong with me. I think there's a great value in normalizing what they're going through instead of making them feel like they're so different or there's something wrong. I hope that makes sense.

No, I'm glad that you brought that up. It's so interesting because you and I have never talked about this before. My favorite thing to say is, of course.

Is it really?

It really is.

Here's the response. Of course. You didn't know that. Of course. Look, great minds, think alike.

Right. And so I think of it as, again, we're not going to act like the anxiety is not there. That's ridiculous. And like you said, act like it's not happening. No, it's happening. And it's often based, like you were saying, on my previous experiences where I felt anxious or when you don't know what's going to happen, anxiety It's very much a feared future.

Well, it's preparing them for the future. Look, anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. It's a very normal thing, and you shouldn't feel bad if you feel anxiety. You should actually know that's a normal, healthy response to new situations. It puts you on alert of something. So given that that's normal, here are two or three ways to handle that inevitable anxiety. And Now you're teaching your child, this is the way you operate in the world. This is what you're going to encounter. It's normal. So here's how you do that in those situations. Rather than making it something like there's something wrong with you or that it's odd. Our kids are.

I love that. Right. And it's not... I love that you said, normalize that, because we don't do that enough. And that's what I say often in sessions with people is, of course you would. Why wouldn't Instead of, there's nothing to be anxious about. Well, there is. There's the fear of rejection. There is the idea that you're going to be nervous in the future, that you're going to want to avoid. All these things. But when you understand that anxiety is going to come with you, but you're going to do it anyway with these strategies. It's amazing what a difference that can make.

I agree, of course.

Just like you and I, right? I mean, putting yourself out there, that's risky.

Yeah. I just think there's great value in teaching them how their brains work, how they operate and say, I did it with our son all the time. Like, Keith, here's how other adults go through life. They're going to do that. And here's this other path. And so I want you to get comfortable with the fact that your path is going to be different. You're stove toucher. You like to touch the hot stove. I'm not going to get you to stop touching the hot stove. It's part of who you are. It's how you learn best. Here's how you use that quality in life without getting burned too badly. Because they will get burned a little bit. I'm talking metaphorically.

Although many people have kids- Yeah, we don't want anyone touching the stove.

We don't want anybody touching the stove. Although I guarantee many of your parents listening have kids who have just done that. But learning Knowing that the way that they're made is good, and I think that's even a little shift of like, no, I like the way you're made. I like these qualities. They're going to serve you well in life. One thing I taught my son and we teach kids is, look, these things are going to make it harder for you in school. Because that's an honest statement. Look, you struggle with short term memory. Here's what I want you to know. The only time life that you really have to use short term memory is in school to memorize information for tests. For the rest of your life, you will use strategic thinking. You're a good strategic thinker. You have good critical thinking skills. That's why you're so good at arguing with me. You see patterns in life. That's why you're so good at chess and checkers. You know what I'm going to say already before I even say it because you cataloged all of my lectures. Those qualities, though, when you get to the real world, the adult world, are going to serve you well because companies will pay you a lot of money not to regurgitate and memorize information, but to be a good thinker, and you're a good thinker.

I think something that's coming out of me as I'm saying that is to stop living on the defensive because as parents of these kids, we tend to be defensive because other people, teachers, parents, therapists, judge us all the time. Well, why aren't you doing that? Why is your child doing that? I want you to feel confident to say, Oh, no, these qualities do make it harder as a kid. But in the real world, man, my child is going to thrive. Just to add a little humor, sometimes when people would judge Casey, I would say, Hey, you better be nice to my son because one day your compliant neurotypical kids are going to be working for my son because he's the kid who's going to own the business and needs some compliant people that he can pay very little money to because they're just, I'm kidding, but I'm not. But I like I want parents to have a little bit of that confidence in there to say, No, I'm not on the defensive here. There's nothing wrong with my child. My child is going to thrive. It's just going to struggle in arbitrary situations, sitting And still, when you're five years old in circle time.

If you have one of these kids and you don't get a call at the beginning of the year from a preschool teacher, something's wrong. I expect kids to get up and start walking around the class because that's what they're supposed to do at age five. So sorry, I just ranted a little bit.

No, I love it. It's true. I am fully convinced that here are these beautiful creative fingers. We want them, Oh, no, you do what we say when we say it. Well, should they? I mean, it's okay to question things and think differently. So creative. My kids, the kids I work with, are the best humans. Number Number two, don't let people put your child in a box.

I think it's what we've been talking about. You're going to... You as the parent, you get to make the decisions. You are responsible for your child's education, not the teachers and not the school system. There were times where practical sense of we would just tell the teacher in a nice, respectful way because teachers have a hard job. We have trouble raising one or two neurodivergent kids, but imagine you have 8 or 10 of them in your class. It's not easy. I would talk to Casey's teachers and say, I really appreciate that you want to teach my son so well. I appreciate you giving him homework because you want him to learn. I just want you to know that No, some nights, we're not doing homework. Now, we're always learning. Some nights, we're going to build a robot. Some nights, we're just going to go out and play because play is learning. But we're not always going to do his homework assignment It's okay with us if you mark his grade down because we're not interested in grades. We want to raise a curious child who loves to learn. That takes some confidence, though, because when you're in IEP meetings, it's usually one parent or maybe two, surrounded by 14 different people with master's degrees, and you get overwhelmed with that.

But no, trust your instincts as a parent. I want you to trust your instincts to know, no, this just doesn't feel right. I want to resist what your in-law say, what your own parents say, because they're going to judge you. Holly's podcast, Other resources to feel confident knowing I'm doing the right thing, even if it doesn't always feel easy or even if it looks different than everybody else is doing it.

Yeah. I like that you said that, too, is you are really standing in for them because it's true, there are so many comments unsolicited, by the way, usually. We're not asking for them. It's true. And so we were like, Okay, yeah. Thank you for that. But like you said, putting your child in a box, that's okay that Where a kid maybe does something different. I remember going to... It was an open house for the class. And all the kids' handwriting was a project was up on that wall. And I knew immediately which kid was mine, because it was extremely difficult to read and very, very different from all the other kids. And he was concerned about all the parents seeing his handwriting. And I was explaining to him that most people don't even write very much when they're older. They type. And not only that, my handwriting, It's hard to read. I have a hard time reading it myself. And it has nothing to do with being smart. That's good. And look how creative and lovely the way you wrote that. I think it's so beautiful. And really Really thinking, again, like we were talking earlier for number one, in a very different way, all because they're jumping out of that box or maybe standing next to it or far away from it.

It doesn't really matter. It's about supporting them where they are and remembering, like you said, homework, that curriculum was not built for them, period. It was not built for them. So we're expecting them to do something that's not at all built for them, just like it would be extremely uncomfortable for someone to tell me that I'm expected to do something I am completely not built for.

We use that example a lot, Holly. If I were to take a highly creative person and say, Hey, your job tomorrow is you're an accountant. Your livelihood is based on being an accountant. Or if I switched that and I took an accountant and I said, Hey, you're the accountant at the advertising agency. Tomorrow, your new job is to be creative director to come up with really creative ads. Well, what would happen? I come in his office or her office a couple of days later and say, Hey, do you have some new ads for us? Well, I'm not good at this. That just sounds like excuses. If you would apply yourself, you'd be capable of doing this. You're smart. All the things people say to our kids. If you put kids in the right environment, they can thrive. But we also know certain things, they're just not going to be It's not fair to ask you, because I know even though you're highly organized, I would not want you, Holly, running the books for my company. That's not your choice. What would happen after a while is you would make mistakes. Me as your boss, in this case, would get on you of like, Hey, you need to be more careful.

You would start to feel like a failure, and you're a highly intelligent person. Look, if we put you in a different job for two weeks, I could basically ruin your self-confidence because you would sit there every day saying, I don't know what to do. Everybody would be around you saying, Well, why don't you just try harder? You would get angry inside and you'd feel frustrated and you would want to give up. If you can think about it that way, in some ways, that's what we ask our kids to do all the time. It's just they're not good. That's where that normalizing of things and giving perspective of like, Look, you're not going to to do this the rest of your life. This is very arbitrary.

I love that example so much. It makes me think of one of my first jobs where I was a hostess for a restaurant, and I was also the person that had to run the cash register, and I was horrible at it. I told them that I have not been tested. I would imagine my processing speed. I'm not quite sure what my overall IQ would be maybe a bit higher, but the processing speed would probably be lower, like a lot of people with ADHD, and also my working memory, like a lot of people with ADHD. Then also, I think I would probably meet criteria for a math learning disability. And for that time, back in the olden days, there was no cash register that told you what to give back. So lines of people would be yelling me, giving me change that made absolutely no sense for their meal. It would take forever. My drawer was always off, and they were constantly mad at me. I can't imagine, that's the only way I got through that is someday I'm going to be somewhere doing something where my strengths are, where everyone isn't yelling at me and disappointed with me all the time.

We could end it there, the discussion on that. I don't want to. But on that part of just countering that negativity. I just did a podcast on that, on countering that negative internal dialog. Can I do a quick example on that, Holly? It's related. Yeah, of course. I'm doing this phone consultation with this great couple, and their son is a slower processor, like you said. The teacher keeps sending home notes. Oh, I'm so concerned because it's taking him 40 minutes instead of 20 minutes to do this. Just think what's beginning to form in this child's mind. I'm slow. That means I'm stupid. I'm not as smart as other people. Something's wrong with me. You know, those internal narratives, they can last a lifetime.

Oh, yeah.

But in this case, if the parents and teachers were like, Dude, you know why I like how you process information? Because you're a deeper thinker. Yeah, you're slower because you're considering all the different options. Sometimes you give an answer that's not even in the... And this was true. You give an answer that's not even in the teacher workbook, in the teacher guide, because you're such a good thinker. I love that you're a good thinker. We can change that internal dialog. Now the internal dialog is, I'm a slower processor because I'm a deeper thinker. I'm a problem solver. I consider many different angles. One day a company is going to pay me a lot of money because I'm a problem solver. And that's the same exact kid, but the parents and teacher's perspective is different. And that kid will be raised in an entirely different way just having that different mindset.

And I'm glad that you brought that up. And that's so powerful because the kids that I see this foundational belief, it just really soaks in, I'm dumb, I'm bad, constant criticism, and you take that on and you wear it heavy, and you believe it. And even I'll be 50 this year, I still sometimes, especially in times of stress, I'll default back to that. I I catch myself a lot earlier than I used to, obviously. But I see that damage, that that can happen, and how we approach things for our kids and our students and our clients can really change everything for them.

Absolutely. That's why I'm glad you're doing what you're doing, Holly.

Well, you too. Back at you. All right, number three, parent them differently. We touched on this already, too.

Yeah, it just takes a different approach. They're motivated by different things. Now, this is my own thing, but I talk to kids differently. I use a different tone of voice. I like a very even, matter of fact, tone of voice. Even when I'm complimenting strong will kids of kids we work with, I don't make it a big deal. Oh, buddy, I'm so proud of you because it sounds condescending to them. It sounds like, We never thought you'd actually make a good choice, and you just did. So let's celebrate. The other thing, too much of that also puts pressure on them because they internalize, Hey, wait, you're all excited that I did this well. Now you're going to expect that again, and I can't guarantee. My tone of voice with them Hey, nice job on that project. Fist bump. Shows me you're growing up. Here, really nice choice there. Even a matter of fact, I plant little seeds. There are a hundred different things I probably do with these kids that I wouldn't do with, say, neurotypical kids. You're just going to have to parent differently. When they get really upset instead of talking, Well, honey, let's talk about our feelings.

With strong... Our kids, that tends to make them furious. Lots of talking With these kids, what I learned to say is, common example, a little kid makes a paper airplane, throws it, it doesn't fly well. He's going to crumple up the paper and throw it down. This airplane's stupid. Most of us as parents come in, Oh, honey, that's That was a good airplane. They're going to be like, Duh, if it was a good airplane, it would have flown well. Instead, I come in with some intensity and I say, Man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated, too. Put a lot of time into that airplane. It didn't fly That's frustrating. That intensity of validation for these kids is often very calming because now you're taking it seriously that what they did was important to them and it didn't work out right. Now, what I didn't say was Therefore, if I were you, I'd punch a hole in the wall or go hit your sister. I didn't say that. I just said, You should feel frustrated. Then I usually give them some space and say, look, I'm going to go get a glass of water when I get back.

Let's problem-solve how to do this differently next time. Then I remove myself, give them some space to process all of their feelings without standing over them. I'm saying this, this is my own opinion. It doesn't mean Holly believes this or teaches this. This is my own. But I don't give eye contact to kids when they're really upset like that because usually they're embarrassed and ashamed. When I remove myself rather than standing over, Honey, let's talk about your emotions right Now, that works with certain kids. But with the kids that we've worked with, I tend to give them a little space to process, and then I come back and I'm not staring at them while they're upset. That was a couple of examples of, Hey, there's nothing wrong with them. I'm just going to parent them in different ways because typical ways tend to backfire.

Yeah, I agree. It's so interesting that we're having this conversation because I am going to be covering how to communicate differently at times, especially if high anxiety and frustration. I feel like when somebody is upset, and certainly everyone is different, but a lot of kids that I work with, including my own, if you are talking, talking, it is more anxiety. It's more frustration. It's fuel on the fire. And that doesn't help anybody. So what I'll usually do is, let me know if you want me to stay quiet. I absolutely will. Or let me know when you're ready to move forward or to talk about this. And really, a lot of times when they're frustrated, they feel like they have no control over what's happening right then. Being able to say, Yeah, being able to say, You know what, you tell me when you are ready, instead of, again, putting more fuel on the fire. I think we naturally do this as humans. We want things to be better. We want to make things okay. But when you say parent differently, this may not be the natural thing that you do that works for your children.

You know your words that you just used? It's the same words we use. So child is really upset, I'll often walk in the room. Common example was when our son would be yelling at my wife, at his mom. I would come and say, Hey, I can tell you you're frustrated. Listen, when you're ready, if you want to come in the living room and build with Legos, love to build a spaceship with you. Hey, when you're ready, if you want to come outside and play catch, love to help you with whatever you're struggling with. It was that. It was just what you said, when you are ready, it's giving them control of something. There's movement. We teach motion, changes, emotion. I like movement for upset neurodivergent kids. I don't like talking too much, I think makes them, like you said, more upset. It's hard to process language when you're upset, but saying, Hey, you want to grab the football? I'll meet you outside. Okay, Hey, I can do that. I can sit and build with Legos just saying, Hey, you need to calm down right now, young man. Well, how? I don't know how to calm down because apparently you don't either because you're yelling at me.

As my son said to me once, he was like, You're yelling at me to calm down, dad. Do you not see the irony in that? I was like, You little jerk, you're not supposed to talk to me like that. But it is absolutely true. I started using movement because now we moved out of that place where we were. It's that typical parent-child face-off. I'm going to make you calm down now. Now it was, Hey, when you're ready, gives them some ownership or control. The other thing I do sometimes is give them a job. Oh, you know what? I just remembered we're having spaghetti. Could you go to the pantry and get the spaghetti sauce? Could you get the top off that jar? Instead of getting them to just calm down, I gave them a job to that they're in control of and they can be successful at doing. The very process of, I get up, I go to the pantry, and now I'm helping do something, that alone is calming. Now I get to say, Oh, man, you're so strong. I really appreciate that. Now the child's more calm, and I didn't try to calm him down, so to speak.

Right. I think when it's not direct and really giving that space and really, again, knowing your a kid because giving them a task in that moment when they're really upset, that jar might go flying. It really depends. You're checking in and you know your kid better than anyone is where are they in this moment. And if they're able to do that task, maybe a preferred one that they like, like you said, you could turn around and say, You're really strong. That's awesome. I love And again, maybe the rule book you thought was going to be there, and that was what was going to happen in your parenting journey. Here is a different way of doing it. And I feel like not that thinking Things have been easy, but I feel like I am a much better parent now that I can stand back and realize all the different ways things can happen. And maybe we can take a hard look in the way we were parented. Maybe that it wasn't the best way for us.

Yeah. You have to challenge all of those things.

So it's interesting that you just said challenge all those things because number four is your kid will change you.

Well, Kids will change you. There's two different ways. This one is because they're different than you. That's one of the hard parts, especially for my wife, it was really hard for this reason. My wife is a compliant rule follower. She was raised to do what people tell you to do. Our son comes along, and he's not like that. He's going to question everything. It's like, Well, why can't you just be like me? Why? The beautiful part of these kids is that they will cause you to grow up and mature. It's not just one of those nice things to say, Oh, they're a blessing. They're a gift. Not in that way. In reality, they are because they will push every button you have. The real issue isn't that they're good at pushing buttons. It's that you and I have so many buttons to push. They will bring out all... Holly, you know this because you're getting a little bit older like I'm much older than you. But we're just immature, broken people. They will find all those areas. For me, it was my dad was career military. It was fear and intimidation, yell and scream. I did that with my son when he was little.

They don't back down. They're not moved by it. It's like, Wait, this is all I know. This is my toolbox. My son would bring out all these things in me. Then Now it was out in the open, and it was either change and fix a kid or change myself. In all honesty, my son, especially, has caused me to an entirely different person than I was before I had him. I am truly grateful for that. Now, some people listening, you have harder situations. You have kids with attachment disorders. You have some really intense things. I don't want to sugarcoat it like, Oh, well, they're just going to make us into different people because it's hard. But if you can embrace their differences and say, Here's one thing this week is, what's one trigger that they're bringing out in you that you didn't realize you had? Because a lot of us before we had kids were like, I'll never yell at my kids. That doesn't last very long. Just work compassion on yourself, knowing that you're breaking generational patterns. If you can embrace that, it's a really cool thing.

I love that you said this, and definitely a quote here, is when you say they push your buttons, looking at the buttons, and nobody talks about that. Well, you and I do, but it's looking at those things. Why are those buttons for you? What's happening there for you instead of, let's fix and change that kid? Because like you said, they may be pressing those buttons to, okay, maybe I didn't realize that was there, or maybe those are things that I need to work through. What's happening in this interaction? Because there are two people, and we're usually only shining the light on the kid. How do I get them to stop pressing my buttons? Well, where did those buttons come from? And what's happening for you and what do you need as the parent to figure out why are those such big buttons?

What happened to you? You were raised, right? For me, my dad was career military. So if you're not five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late, right? Always on time. Well, you have a neurodivergent kid. They don't move according to the way everybody else does. So my next Casey, get moving now. If you don't get in the car, you're going to lose everything you own. And then that tone of voice came out. And you know that's how the more you push them, the more they resist. The more you try to get them to go more quickly, the slower they go. What I finally went internally, not to blame yourself or beat yourself up, it was my childhood expectation was always, you got to be on time, got to go quickly, got to move quickly. I I was a type A freak before Casey came along. What I learned then was, oh, if I do the opposite of what I'm doing now... Because here's the cool thing. My anxiety causes the exact opposite response that I want. The more that I lecture, the more my kids don't listen. The more I rush them, the slower they go.

What if I did the opposite of what I normally do and see how that works? I started actually slowing things down, and I sit on my son's bed in the morning and wake him up to a compliment, to talking about something he was interested in. I found when I connected with him, I got a lot more cooperation. By slowing myself down, two things happened. One is I became a much more pleasant human being and not always anxious and rushed. Two, it just worked better. It not only changes you, it will actually just help things work in your home with this child. There's two benefits. It's almost like listening to your child. It's almost like that thing of your child mirrors back to you, your issues. I always thought it was his issue, and now I realize I have so many buttons to push. It's a cool thing.

Yeah, that is so true. I'm so glad we talked about that. Okay, number 5, control parent anxiety about your child's future.

Okay. We skipped one. Can I just do it really quickly? The one on the list?

Oh, yeah, of course.

The other one, it goes with the previous one. Your kids will change you because they're so different, or your kids will change you because they're just like you. Here's what's going to come up in you. As good parents, all those traits that you had as a kid and as a person that have caused some pain or made life difficult for you, you see your repeating those. Because you're a good parent, it's like, Oh, I don't want them to struggle with the same thing. So you're going to try to change them out of a good heart. But now you're robbing your child of learning from the same things you learn from. A lot of us are stove touchers in life, and we learn that way, and we're like, Oh, I don't want my son or daughter to go through this pain or discomfort. But sometimes you have to let them do that. It's hard because you see yourself in your child. I think just recognizing that that's what's triggering you can be really helpful. For me, it ultimately helped because I can say, case, I've always struggled in that same area as well. Here's what life has taught me.

If you want to avoid some of the unpleasant things that happen, then try doing it differently. Anyway, I just wanted to throw that one in there. For those of you who basically have a mini me at home and you want to change them so much, change together. One of the beautiful things with our son is that I changed right in front of him. He watched me go from this type A freak who just yelled and screamed and couldn't control himself to being in control of myself. And he watched it happen. That was his greatest lecture was I watched my dad be humbled by life and by his four-year-old son. And change. Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out, Holly.

No. And I'm so glad that you did. I think that's really important. Okay, so we were talking about that future, and we talked a little bit about this already. We touched on it.

Okay, so controlling your anxiety about their future. I'll just do it bluntly because I know I've rambled a little bit. You are going to have anxiety about your child's future. You're going to look at what they're doing now and project into the future and assume that that 12-year-old boy who sits in a hoodie sweatshirt, the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games, is going to be that same kid when they're 27. Inside, you're thinking, who's going to marry this child? Who would possibly hire this child. We do the same for the four-year-old that can't sit still in circle time and who's walking around the preschool class. She can't follow directions. How's she ever going to succeed in life? We take all of this on and project it out. What I want you to know is they change. They change over time. You are different than you were when you were eight, I hope. You're different. Men do this a lot because men have this hero complex of like, Look at me, I'm a 40-year-old man. I'm so disciplined and I work so hard. I'm like, You were a dopey nine-year-old also. You were a 13-year-old that was clueless.

If you're a man, you're still pretty clueless at 40 because we I don't grow up until we're about 45. But just be aware that that's your anxiety. Here's the one thing I would watch out for. The anxiety of projecting to the future will cause you to begin lecturing your child over and over again. You're going to go to that kid in a hoodie sweatshirt and say, You know what? If you would just apply yourself, you'd be capable of so much more. You need to do this, and you're doing this wrong. Beware of picking out all the negatives. If I had one homework assignment for you this week, for parents, it would be for one week, observe, recognize, and affirm the qualities that they already have and the traits, the things they're already doing well without saying but. Just notice. Just notice the things they're already doing well. That will build their confidence. It is very motivating. But anyway, I'll leave it there, but it's really important.

No, that's a game changer. I think when we let ourselves, again, gently notice even the thoughts that come in. What if they're going to be in my basement for the rest of their lives? And who's going to take care of them when I'm not here? I mean, all those things are fears that our brain is sharing with us because we care so much. That fear is going to come up. And so when it comes up, like you said, being able to notice it and be gentle and not beat ourselves down with it, and certainly not say it. Because I've had kids in my office plenty of times who say, My parents say I'm never going to be able to live on my own and all these things. And they're young and they're carrying the weight of this. And that's what they're telling themselves. Yeah, I probably won't. And that's what makes sad. And I don't think any parent needs to. I think it comes out of fear. And because they love their kids so much, they want them to have a full life for them or their idea of a full life. So this is really important that, again, we just gently notice.

I think that homework is right on.

I think I'll help parents with this one, just so you know. Most of your kids are not going to clean up their room. Their bathroom is going to be disgusting. It just is. Our son was like that, and you have that natural anxiety of like, Are they going to grow up and be on the hoarders? Are they going to have all these different things? Who's going to Our son lives now about seven minutes from us. I was at his house last night. Our son was a complete... It was awful when he was a kid. We walked in his house last night because he made me a steak dinner because he's a good son. You know what you have to do at my son's house? You have to take off your shoes when you walk in his house so you don't track dirt in there. His house is perfectly spotless. Why? Because he's a grown adult, because he owns his house, and because he's engaged and he doesn't want his fiancé to think he's a slob. So they change. I would encourage you, watch your words. There was a time... It's just recognizing that's your own anxiety.

One time, I remember apologizing to Casey because he came downstairs. I was making breakfast and I got on him. Hey, did you get your homework done because you're done? I realized it was my anxiety and I said, Hey, Casey, I apologize. That was my own anxiety because I'm behind on my work and I just projected that onto you. So not your issue. Look in those things, when I apologize, it's just a statement of truth. It's not a groveling thing. I've been such a horrible parent. No, it's just acknowledging. No, it's my own anxiety. I apologize because sometimes I focus on the negative too much, and I apologize for that because I do see your future and you have a great future because I've seen it. When you play video games, here's what I see. You're confident, You're engaged, you're a leader, you're really strategic, you're persistent because you don't do anything else around the house until you get to the next level. You don't eat or sleep or do your schoolwork or pee or do anything. I'm kidding there, but I'm not. I'm not encouraging kids to play video games, but this is really important.

I guarantee you in different areas of life, like playing video games, doing things for other people, our kids tend not to be very good for us, but other people, our kids are amazing. You begin to put that together and say, I've seen these qualities inside of you. You have every quality necessary for success in life, and I've seen it. One day, you're going to get a vision for your life and you're going to put all this together. You're going to kill it in the real world. Then you give them a fist bump and you walk away and you drink. I'm kidding. But you're going to feel like it because you don't see it right now. I want I encourage you, call out those skills when you see them. Hey, you were down at the Johnson's house the other day. They sent me a text and said, You're amazing in that you were so helpful. Well, that's awesome because one day you're going to be in the real world helping other people. You're already good at that at age 12. You just don't pick up your room, you don't do your homework, don't say these things.

You're going to see all these things at home that they don't do. Find the areas where they do Excel and put your energy into I like that because I think, especially with their interests, really putting a lot of energy there.

I think that's so lovely.

Yes.

Okay. Number 6, don't sacrifice your child on the altar of your own convenience or to make others more comfortable.

You're just going to have to get a tough skin, right? You're just going to have to... Because people are going to be uncomfortable with your child. They're going to judge you. Forgive me for this. This is not Holly, but you have to develop a little F U attitude. You don't have to tell people that. But inside, some of you don't like that. I'm strong-willed, so I'm like, F you. Your kids are very good. Don't tell me that. That can be very therapeutic, actually, to have a little bit of that. Or if you're a nicer person, you just say, They just don't know what they're talking about. They Those people that are judging me mean well, but this is my home. I get to make the choices for what's best for my child, and I'm very resolute in that. Do things look different in my home? Absolutely. Am I going to do things that are counterculture and against... You're going to have to do it at church for those of you in church, synagogue, in your faith. These kids... Casey wouldn't go to children's church because he wanted to come in to the adult service because he was an adult-like kid.

Then he could argue with the pastor over theological things because that's what our kids do, too. They're going to make you uncomfortable. They're going to embarrass you at times. That's okay because, again, that's your own immaturity at being embarrassed and caring too much what other people think. But I just encourage you this. You know your kid better than anybody else in the world. You know your child better than I do, better Holly does, better than any teacher, any pastor, anybody. You do what's best for you and your family. Do weird things. I love getting kids out of bed, little kids, with a treasure hunt. Hey, I hid your food, your breakfast outside. Bet you can't find it. Who cares if your neighbors are like, Why is your son out in his pajamas every morning in the snow looking for his food? Because he loves doing that and because we love him being outside, so we can actually enjoy some peace and quiet in... I'm kidding.

Yeah, we're not making kids go in the snow look for their group. I'm kidding.

No, but here's the true example is our kids do like to problem-solve. Doing a treasure hunt, You're in Raleigh. It's nice weather there most of the year. So springtime, you wake your child up or do a treasure hunt in the basement and hide their food. Is that different than how other people do it, a perfect breakfast of everybody sitting around together? Holly, that thing even of all those shows of the family who sits around the dinner table. Let's share all the good things that happened today. And you're like, I'm just trying to get my kid, one, to eat something other than mac and cheese tonight. I'm trying to get through dinner without my husband yelling at the kids, let alone talking about all the wonderful things that happen. Your life is going to look different. I want you to be able to embrace and say, Yeah, we ate mac and cheese for six straight nights. You know why? Because it worked. Nobody's going to die from that. We ate awful when we were kids. Don't try to do life like everybody else is doing it. Your kids are going to sleep differently. You're going to put them in a sleeping bag and put them in a closet because they like confined spaces.

Other people are going to be like, Your family is so weird. You're going to be like, Well, your family is so boring. I It's like, Sorry, God knew you couldn't handle anything other than compliant little people-pleasers. So enjoy your perfect little life. I know that sounds a little defensive.

No, my face hurts from smiling. That's hilarious.

You have to have a little humor with it. So I'm not a bad mom. If I just make a vat of mac and cheese and 1,800 chicken nuggets on Sunday night for the week, no, you're a good mom because that's what your child eats right now. One day, they'll eat healthy food down the road. Our son was a horrible eater. When I do phone consultations, and people are like, We're concerned. My daughter only eats eight different things. I'm like, Eight? That's amazing. Our child ate three. What are you complaining about? When you live in this world, it's like, Wait, so your son didn't get suspended? I think that's a good semester. Can I just throw out one more thing because I think it's helpful? Think for perspective what your kids didn't do wrong in that situation. We used to get calls like, Your son pushed someone else in the line at the cafeteria. I'm like, okay, so he was hungry and he has initiative. I like that about my son. Call me when he throws someone down and stomps him or put scissors in the back of a kid's back. I know that's a little extreme, but it's like, think of all the things they I didn't do.

I'm like, For my son, just budding in line, I would give him a gold star for the day. Thank you, Casey, for not pushing someone down. You just manipulated someone to get in front of them. That was a good day for him. There are times where you have to say, Okay, so my son did that, or daughter did that, but they didn't do X, Y, or Z, and that would have been way worse. I know that sounds a little bit... I don't know what that sounds like, but I think that's just reality for our kids. Yeah, and I think the idea of to make other people comfortable or ourselves, being able to look at those buttons, too, because that's another button, I think, for parents, and I think certainly for me, when I would be called into the school or whatever that is.

Then they're questioning your parenting. My mom said the other day, Well, what has he What fresh vegetables and fruits did he eat today? None.

None.

I'm just telling you none, and I'm not a bad parent. That's all I just said. None, and I'm not a bad parent. That was my comment.

Mom, you know what's even more unhealthy? Is trying to control and judge other people.

I love you, Mom, though. I know.

I love your Mom, too.

Yeah, you love my Mom, too. But we get it from everywhere. It is so true. Okay, number seven, define your values.

Determine what's important to you. I would write it down. So for schooling, here's what we came up with was, we want to raise a child who is curious and loves to learn, period. Then everything had to run through the funnel of, Okay, is this promoting curiosity and loving to learn? They're doing endless worksheets doing that. No. We We cut some of those arbitrary things out. What are the qualities important to you as a family? I would encourage you, this is a really useful exercise, and especially do it with your spouse, because some of you have a spouse, and I'm just going to make an assa, I pick on men because I'm a man. A lot of times, moms are the ones watching these podcasts and you're the ones who read all the books and the husband. Men just don't read the books. They just don't. Well, he's got to learn this. He's got to toe the line in school. So get out a piece of paper and put a little line down the middle and say on the left side, Here are all the qualities necessary for success in school or to be a good kid.

Then on the right side, say, What are all the qualities necessary to be successful in life as an adult? What you'll find is they don't always match up. Your kids will probably have deficits, so to speak, in the school column, in the kid column. But in the real-life column, oh, man, they're going to kill it. The ability to question things, critical thinking skills. A lot of them are old souls. A lot of them are persuasive, influential. Now, we'll call it manipulative. But the flip side of manipulative is they understand human nature, they see patterns in things. That seeing patterns thing, by the way, is phenomenal for life success. Our kids are just great at seeing patterns. What that helps you do is keep yourself focused on, I'm not raising a kid, and I'm not raising a kid to be successful as a kid. I'm raising this human to be emotionally emotionally healthy to be successful in the real world. One of the key things that I try to tell parents is, Stop trying to make your kid be good as a kid or to be good at being good in the kid world. So many of our kids, they kill it in the real world.

They're awesome for other adults, and that's what you're raising them for. So even with chores... Casey, our son, he was never good at chores. He didn't want to do stupid chores. So we gave him adult-type jobs to do, and we counted those as chores. We work with families whose kids change the oil, but they won't take the trash out because if it's called a chore, they won't do it. But our son got a job from the age of 12. He would go down the street to this older couple's house, and he would help them around their house. Why? Because they weren't nagging parents like we were. We said, That's what we're raising him to do, to be a good, conscientious human being who does nice things for other people. He does. He just doesn't do anything for us. I think that's reality. But if you have this list on the sheet of paper, you can say, Oh, yeah, that's a great quality for life's success. Then I focus on those more than the ability to sit still in school all day long and memorize information for a test that you're never going to use again.

Well, what do I focus on? Well, we just chose to focus on the other things. For encouragement, our son was not good as a kid. He just wasn't. He is 30 now. In the real world, that kid absolutely crushes it. He's good at all those things that irritated us about him when he was a kid are the very qualities that make him successful as an adult. And your kids are the same way.

Yeah. I'll tell you, a lot of times the kids that I see, my kids can be so persuasive, and it's a skill.

It's a great salesperson. It absolutely is. You make a lot of money selling stuff, right? Like all Why can't you take no for an answer? And it's like, switch that around to, Yeah, that's annoying. I get it. But what a great quality to have that persistence and to understand. Look, many of your kids make it like at the holidays when you get together, they make inappropriate jokes about relatives. We're like, That's inappropriate. Stop it. But inside you're laughing because they're spot on. Well, that's because they see patterns and they get human nature because they're often... Look, a couple of things. One, they tend to be very good observers, the quieter ones, deeper thinkers or observers. Plus, these kids are accustomed to feeling different and hurt, and so they feel things deeply. So they're a The ability to mock people, and especially your relatives, is because they have great insight into human nature. Well, that's the reason you're a great therapist. It's not just your training. It's because, Holly, you get people. How are you a good salesperson? Listen, because you understand what motivates people. You're a good marketer because of that. If you can step back, your kids have all these amazing talents.

They just don't get grades for seeing patterns. That's why your kids don't want to show their math homework sometimes or their math work. Well, I looked at the problem and I saw the pattern and I knew the answer instantly. Well, you need to show your work. Duh, I just showed you my work by getting the answer right. Right? Like that. So you're going to I've worked with them for 18 years over that. But anyway, your kids are going to do well in life. Just pull those qualities out and let them know this thing of sitting still all day, you won't have to do that after you're 17. It's going to be okay.

Number eight, spend your energy supporting their passions.

That's what we were just talking about. Great. I'll do this one quickly. The The trap we fall into is everybody points out the negatives and we think we have to fix everything that's supposedly wrong with our kids. Now they're going to Kumen to learn math and they're going to this and they're going to that. Their whole life becomes about trying to fix what's wrong with them. You have to be judicious about that because there are some things that they need help with and they need to learn and they may need to see a therapist about or go to an occupational therapist. But if you spend 80% of your energy trying to fix what's wrong, well, guess what you don't have time for? Cultivating their natural gifts, talents, and passions. I'd rather switch it around and look in a very practical way. Our son, we knew from an early age, was not going to be a scientist. He was not very good at math. I just knew that. I didn't put all my energy in, Well, I've got to make you good at math. No, I just want you to be proficient enough. I taught him how to budget.

Casey, at age 30, If you ask him multiplication tables, which I occasionally do when we're hiking because I like to mess with him a little bit, he can't do them. He's not good at it. But if you ask him how to invest and you ask him his budget for the month, he can do the practical things. We didn't spend a lot of time teaching him that. We did spend time teaching him how to communicate both in writing and verbally because you really do need that. But most of our time with him spent cultivating, what are you good at doing? Let's give opportunities to shine rather than just watch that thing of trying to fix everything that's wrong. Some things, and this would be the value of seeing a therapist like Holly, would be Holly would be able to say, Hey, those things, you don't have to fix that. We don't even have to work on that. These things, yeah, I'd like to give them some tools in this area. But I'd rather you spend much more time letting your kids build robots and build with Legos and play than just endlessly fixing them.

I love that so much. Oh, my goodness. So not long ago, there is a person that I support, a younger kid who said, Someday I'm going to be governor. And I have no doubt he will be, by the way. Someday I will be governor, and everyone's going to have to be nice to people like me. And I was like, whew. Oh, my goodness. I love I love him. And so the thing is, too, it's there's so much beautiful, passionate, amazing things about our kids, our clients, our students. But when we gage their worth based on things like doing the math quickly at the restaurant, that doesn't even make sense. There is no reason to do that except to have them feel bad. That doesn't even make sense. You can't base my future on did the drawer meet up for every cent that day? Because the answer is going to be no. I'm just real. I'm just keeping it real. I can't believe it didn't fire me. But the thing is, it's like when we say, Oh, my goodness, that's amazing. So right now, my youngest, he is working on getting more subscribers on his YouTube channel so he can get ads and things like that.

So somebody else might say, well, what else is he doing this? Is he doing his homework? Is he Well, but if this is his passion in his area of interest, I want to support that. So he's interested in snakes. So we go and look for snakes. And I asked this local snake person who she's amazing. She spent two hours with us talking to us about snakes. There's so many things that we can do to support their interests. And to be able to put our energy and focus into that not only helps them in their mental health, also shows them how many options there could be to do something you love. We don't want to set them up to do work they hate every day when they go in there. We want to So have them explore those passions and have us support that.

Absolutely.

That's so good. Kirk, thank you so much. This has been such a great conversation. I love this, Hopin.

This This was awesome. Thank you.

It was so fun. I hope you come back and see me, too.

I will. Let's do it again. Let's do it back to school time.

That's a great time to do it.

Let's do it. August. I'll see you in August.

I love it. We'll do it. Tell What are watchers and listeners how they can find out more about you.

You know what? The Calm Parenting podcast, our website is celebratecalm. Com. But if you just look up the Calm Parenting podcast, it's on all the different platforms. I think we've got 360 episodes. Every topic possible, just listen. Then on there is our email. As you listen, if you have questions, email. If you would tell me that you are a fan or a follower of Holly, because then that makes it a little bit more personal for us, and I'll answer your questions ahead of other people because I like Holly. She's awesome doing great.

Oh, I appreciate that. I will make sure to have those links in the show notes as well. So pop down there and get right to your awesome content.

Yes. You know what else we're doing, Holly?

Tell me.

I'm an old guy doing videos on Instagram. My son dragged me in. He's like, Dad, you have to keep up with the young parents. So I started doing these videos very awkwardly, and for some reason, people like it on Instagram. So we're pretty active there answering questions and interacting. Just be nice to me on Instagram because it's filled with nasty people, too.

Well, thank you for saying that because I'm right there with you. I'm like, What's this? What's a reel? Can somebody break this down for me? So I am also trying to learn that. So I'm right there with you and everybody have patience.

Where the kids are, Holly. It's where the kids are.

Okay, girl. Well, take care, and I look forward to seeing you next time.

Okay. Thanks, Holly.

Bye-bye. Thank you for joining me for this episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any important information. Today's episode is brought to you by the Free behavior Detective Guide. If you are a parent, a teacher, or a therapist, and you support a child who struggles with challenging behavior, you absolutely want to get a hold of this free guide. So take a look in the show notes and click the link, and you'll be on your way to getting the free guide in your inbox. Thanks so much, and I look forward to seeing you next time.

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