Hey, Club Randam, fans. Guess what I did? I wrote a damn book. It's called What This Comedian Said Will Shock You, and it's available for pre-order now where you get your books or at simonandchooster. Com.

I'm going part-time to college. I'm unloadading trucks. What am I doing?

That is what has made you the guy who sells stadiums. Because you do like to pick a fight about anything.

I'm one more reference away from taking this mic off and just walking out. Bill? Hello, William. You're there. Yeah, so we're not confused. All right. What's going on, sir?Mant of your word.Mant.

Of your word.

Yeah, I showed up.

You showed up. You said you would and you did. That means a lot to me. I appreciate it.

Well, the bar is set low if that's all it is. Who doesn't show up?

People. Are you kidding?

Are you in show business? That's why I don't have guests. For the most part, I don't have guests because I don't want to deal with that.

That is something I also am somewhat in awe of. I couldn't do that. There's some things I can do, I think, in show business as good or better than anybody. But then there's things like improv I couldn't do. Rap There you go. Especially right up the dome.

Oh, that's amazing.

That blows my mind. But also, just talking straight to the guy, just starting, and it's just you. Rush Limbo did Yes, he did. And you do it. But that is a rare skill, my friend, to just go.

It's probably some personality flaw in the rest of my life. But in that moment, it works. Well, I know a lot of people that would agree with you.

Well, I mean, don't you have a childhood that lends itself to humor because of what was the Boston comic who used to say he had a bad father like you did. And he was like, when Bing Crosby's kids were talking about how Bing Crosby was, remember that? Oh, yeah. He was like, Hey, my dad used to... My dad used to Hit us with your father's record. That was a Boston comic. I forget who it was.

Yeah, that was...

But yeah, you have your father, like All of pain in life is father for art, right?

Yeah. I guess that's how it works. That's class. Look at that. When I used to drink, I used to just fill it up till it was above the ice cubes.

Well, I used to drink like that, too. But we all have to throttle back as we get older.

I like that joke that you used to do. Said, if you don't stop drinking as you get older, you start looking like a Kennedy. But it's It's not Ted. I said Ted Kennedy.

I mean, he did have that.

He had a lot of demons.

No, but he had- He would have been a hell of a standup.

All the pain that guy had and then the pain he caused. Ted Kennedy? Oh, my God. He would have crushed it. That giant head.

I know stories about him from-Let's keep it light. What could be- You're going to Ted.

You're Teddy darkness. Can I smoke a cigar in here? Of course.

You can do whatever you want in here. But I dated someone whose mother was someone he visited as a lady.

They had a book club.

What You defend. By the way, you were very good as Jack Kennedy in the Seinfeld movie.

Oh, thank you. That was a perfect-I had a great-perfect casting. Wasn't that a great movie?

So good. I loved it. You know what? I have to say, and Jerry was here just a few days ago, I heard terrible things about it, to be honest.

I don't know why. Because I think younger people didn't know some of the references.

I don't think they even saw it yet. I don't know where that came from. And then I watched it. I was like, wow, not only is the concept so genius, the juxtaposition of the most trivial thing in the world, Breakfast Story, with all that stuff that was going on in the '60s, NASA and the Cold War.

But what's funny is the battle that Kellogg's and Post. It's the same battle that people are fighting with army. I loved all of that. I also loved when they went to the grocery store when Post and Kellogg's are racing to get their pop tarts there. Did you notice one truck was a Ford, one was a Chevy?

No, I did not.

There was a lot of little things in there.

Oh, there were. But what's funny is treating it as if it was the end of the world, the space. Yes. That's what was funny, the Anne Khrushchev, that it was important in the Cuba, the Cold War, El Sucre, all that stuff. The pacing, for a first-time director, I thought, I love that about it, that it just moved.

Comedians make good directors, though.

They do. Like who else would be in that category?

There was this guy, Bill Burr, directed this movie, Old Dads.

Yeah, I saw it. It was good. You're right.

I thought you were going to say I didn't think it was that good.

No.

I didn't know you- My heart just went down like that. I was like, Oh, God.

I just set myself up. I actually didn't know you directed it.

I directed it because there was no one available. That's the only reason why I did it, because we were coming out of the pandemic. So all the directors that were going to shoot something in 2020, whenever the hell it was, they didn't shoot it because we were quarantined. And then they were like two projects behind. So they started pulling It's going to go away.

It's going to go away. You have a big future in filmmaking, very much like Louis C. K.

But Louis just make movies on his own. I know. Did you see that one? I loved it. That fourth of July with your lift?

Absolutely. No. That was I mean, don't get me started on that. But isn't it time everyone just went, okay, it wasn't a cool thing to do, but it's been long enough. And welcome back to the work.

You took $50 million from them. I think they punished them.

Enough. For Christ's sake, it's not the end of the world. People have done so much worse things and gotten less. There's no rhyme or reason to the me too type punishments.

Well, it's like most things. It started off with something everyone could agree on, and then quickly it just spun out of... I remember whenever that cancel culture got to the point of where it was, I don't like some of the topics in your stand-up act. Yeah, that's when it got weird. But that's all over.

What's over? Cancel culture?

Yeah, no one cares anymore.

That's so not true. Either one of it could get canceled in the next two minutes. No.

For what? Well, if you're not doing anything, it was just like you did this joke about this group of people or that group of people, and I've decided to... I don't know. I feel like I'm going back two years in my life. I don't even think about it anymore. Nice ashtray, by the way.

Isn't that lovely? Yeah. I've never knew where I got anything. I probably should. Somebody gave this to me.

Yeah. That's the thing they used to give you when you were tired after a while. They're watching an ashtray. Martini shaker.

When you think about how much, I don't know, you probably had similar upbringings. You treasured almost every physical thing you had, even though it was a hand me down. You had just certain things in your little room. And then as you go through life, so much stuff, and you don't even know where you got all the stuff.

Well, you know what about that? What's great about that is there's no upgrade, and everything became disposable. Like, Like electric cars or like laptops. After a couple of years, they're not worth anything because of the technology, which doesn't even make sense. But same thing with a laptop, with phones, all of that stuff. What do you drive? What do I drive? I'm a truck guy. I got a Ford F-250, and I have an old F-100.

Really? Why?

The same reason why does a guy drive a Ferrari down Sunset Strip and never take it to a racetrack? That's what he's into. My Ferrari is I always wanted a Ford F-250, eight-foot-bed regular cab.

Why? Are you hauling dirt?

Is that guy going to the racetrack? Have you ever driven one of those on a racetrack? You cannot flip them over. They're unbelievable. The technology and the respect you get for racing of what they're putting their bodies through. Because I was driving like an asshole. I finally realized that you try to go smooth around the track, not try to just stomp on the gas and slam on the brakes. But I like driving. That's why I like cigars. I like going and slow because my brain goes fast and there's something about driving a truck. It's slow, it slows me down, and I can think.

You like driving. I love it. Me too. I would hate to be at that stage or for whatever reason where I had to be driven everywhere. Sometimes you do, like when you're on the road, probably you get picked up by somebody, right? You're not driving yourself in Cincinnati. But there's something... I I see these electric cars now next to me on the highway, like self-driving cars.

That's insane. First of all, can I ask you a question? Why do we need that?

I'll never get used to it. The bottom line is I don't think I will... I don't fight progress. We all love our phones. Come on. To put a little computer like that in your pocket that does so many things. It changed everybody's lives, mostly for the and some for the worst. When it's done to kids heads, really fuck them up.

Kids heads, my head. I stayed off Instagram for a month, and my short term memory, it felt like 30% better. I realized, oh, maybe I'm not getting dementia. I just think my brain is getting scrambled. The amount of times I'm sitting there going, put this down, put it down, talk to your wife. You're supposed to be watching this movie with her. And something on TV, I'll be like, Is that guy still alive? Or like, What car is that? And then I'm just fucking, I'm like that.

And I miss the-You mean you're looking up the answer to those questions?

And then that leads me to videos. And then I'm just going like, I never saw that movie, Girl, Interrupted, and I saw it on the Criteria channel. I want to watch that. There's all these great actors in it. I want to see this. So I put it on and something in there reminded me of one Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And I was trying to think of the cast who was in it. Danny DeVito was in it, young Danny DeVito and all of that. I just went down this thing and all of a sudden it felt like 10 minutes and the credits were rolling and I was going like, I forget, somebody won an Oscar on that movie and I totally spaced on it.

I think That might be the difference in our generations, which is not that. We're maybe 13 years apart.

You're one of my elders, man. I respect you for that.

I feel like I'm in the Reagan Mondale debate. No, I just remember when you did my podcast, you kept getting like, I'm not that much older than you. And I'm not.

Thirteen years is a long fucking time.

Well, I think the point I made then, and I'll remake it for you, is that to anyone young who is what we care about in this discussion, because it's like, well, we don't want to lose that audience. Trust me, when you're 25, you and I are the same. I told you this story about- How dare you.

You dress like you paint. Look at you.

When Lena and Conan were going through that whole thing that we all remember as comedians. So Well, remember the fight for the Crown at the Tonight Show? I think it was 2009. My girlfriend was 25 at the time, and we were talking about it, and I said, Well, it's a big age difference. Lena was 59 and the Konan's 46. And she went, Yeah, that's the same thing to me. And I always remember that. So we are the younger audience.

No, if you and I are just hanging out, talking, but if we go back far enough- You're a dad.

If we go back like- That adds 10 years. You're married and a dad.

See, I- No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does. You just hate kids. I do. But having never gotten married, not married, not kid, that definitely closes that gap. Anyway, the point being- I don't like how you just made that point and then said, Anyway, really quickly before I could refute it Anyway.

Did you learn that in debating class? I did. Because you said, Anyway, I'm going to roll with that? No. Well, I mean, you got to play. No, but it's like, you're like pre-standup spotlight as far as like... What does that mean? I mean, that's just... I mean, you were like, Comedy on the road, Evening at the Improf. I mean, that's a whole different generation than mine.

The point I was going to make is that this, to me, says two different generations. I don't think many people from my generation ever have what you just described, this addiction to social media, going down rabbit holes, the attention span issue here where you're watching something, but it makes you think it's something else, and then you go to that. Just what you were just telling me. That's very alien to me.

One of the best things you did for society is you didn't have kids.

Well, thank you. I know you meant that in a snarky way.

No, but I know. It's okay. We need more people like you. We do. That can just admit that I don't want to deal with this shit. The worst thing is when a person who doesn't want to have kids has kids because they think they're supposed to do it, and then they fucking don't like them, and then that kid has to spend their whole life without that love. Then they meet my kid, and then they're a fucking asshole to him. Then it's what ends or they met us or whatever.

Has that happened? Your kids have had to encounter kids who you thought were shitty kids because of the parents being shitty?

Well, that's one of my favorite things that they say. When they go, You know what? Kids are mean. You know what I always say to them? I always say, Yeah, you know who makes kids? God. Stop worshiping this guy every fucking Sunday. He makes mean kids who say shit to other kids. He makes people who don't want to have kids who end up having kids, and then those kids don't get love, and then they go to school and they're fucking mean, and they say stuff To kids, they carry it for the rest of their lives. If anything I can instill with my kids is the attribute I have as a father, I remember what it was like to be a kid. So one of the big things is in the morning time When my kids are getting dressed and my wife picks out the clothes, if they're like, I don't like this shirt, I'm like, wear one that you like. Because if you go to school with, I don't like my shirt energy, your shoulders are going to be slumped, and then they're coming at you. I want you liking your shirt. Let's start your day liking what you're wearing.

I wish to had someone to tell me that. Most of my schooling, I would say most, I went to school with a knot in my stomach.

Yeah, you got picked on.

Because even if I wasn't, it was always the potential, and sometimes I was. It just never felt right to me. If you're a control freak, which I am, childhood is a torture because you just do not have control yet. I got happier as I got older because I got more control. I don't need the control.

You know what night? I remember the first night when I moved out and I was on my own, and I remember just being out and having nobody to answer to when I got Home, and I was just like, this is fucking amazing.

It's an exhilarating feeling. Yeah.

But then what you quickly realize is you have to become your own parent, which you have to tell yourself it's time to go to bed or maybe you're drinking too much or something like that because I saw Yeah. You see, you watch people mess up, not just show business, but just careers in general, because I feel like the people that had the most overbearing parents a lot of times, like It's just that feeling when they finally move out of freedom. It's like, literally, I can't admit. I think it's too much for them.

Yes, it is. You know what it is? It's Morgan Freeman. No. Who's the other guy in Shoshank Redemption who- Jim Robbins. Yeah, but no, the guy who gets out of prison.

The old guy.

Can't handle it because he's so used to prison. Now he's working at the supermarket and he says, Can I take a He's like, Hey, boss, and they say, You don't have to ask every time. Just take a pee. And he can't hack it. There is something to that. I mean, the mind is a strange place.

I feel like people that watch 24-hour news networks get institutionalized to blame colors of ties rather than the corporations behind them. They will just sit there convinced that Trump is the worst thing that happened in this country or Biden is the worst thing that happened in this country. It's just like, you might I want to just push through that veil a little bit further. I have this thing like when I get around the 24-hour news zombies, I just, Jesus Christ, was that Geritol? Nobody under the age of 50 got that one. Remember that? I was on the Lawrence Welk show. He used to pedal the Geritol.

To my point, the 25-year-old is watching this going, look at these two old guys. They're not going, oh, the guy with cigars is obviously 13 years younger.

I know, but you have to go all the way down to 25 to appear my age.

Well, I don't mind. You can see.

Look at the difference. You can just see the way we dress. We're not different people. This is like, you come from the Slacks generation. Slacks was still a thing. These are jeans.

No, but Slacks were a thing. No, I look good. That's the difference is that you were wearing sneakers. You're not going to throw that in my face. You got a T-shirt on.

You look like a fucking defendant. Look at him trying to beat him drinking a driving charge. He doesn't have any priors, your honor. Look at him. He's wearing his Chelsea boots. He's a fucking, what do they call it, a productive member of society. He needs his car for work. I think that this should be a suspension, not a full-on That's good. You ever get busted for that? What? Drinking and driving?

Yes. I had a DUI in '92. It was a nightmare. Could have wrecked my life because it was just as I was starting politically incorrect, And I had to get a special dispensation from the court to interrupt my 14-week corrective program that you have to go to when you get a DUI. And if If they didn't- I would have killed to watch you in that classroom having lost all that control and just having to sit there in that desk. Well, it was everybody who got a DUI. I mean, it was just a cross-section of society. We were in criminals. We were just like people, just douchebag millennial was coming home from club, and we had one too many and we were driving too fast. When I was stopped, I happened to be wearing leopard print shoes. Now, if you think I wasn't going to get a ticket that night.

I want to hear what What party were you going to?

Where that seemed like- It wasn't a party. It was 1992. I had just done a sitcom, and it was wardrobe from the sitcom I had. I guess we thought, Don't ask me about clothes. I'm sure you wore also ridiculous things in the day.

No, I did, but I didn't... Leopard print was always like...

Leopard.

That was always for that woman of a certain age that wanted one more lap around the block. She'd go to a local watering hole and she wear her Leopard print blouse.

Well, I'm sure some cool people have worn Leopard print in the past. I'm sure I could find pictures of rock stars. Oh, yeah.

Okay. But they can wear anything. Anyway, the point-Not Bill Maher reading the New York Times, driving around a fucking Leopard print shoes.

You know what I really resented? They were hard. If you missed a meeting or if you were late by even one minute, you had to repeat the whole program. You had to go to six AA meetings, which I really resented because I was a little over the limit, but it doesn't mean I was an alcoholic. So I had to go to these meetings and we would go around the room and everybody would say, Hi, I'm Phil. I'm an alcoholic. I'm Bob. I'm an alcoholic. I wouldn't say it. I just wouldn't. Hi, I'm Bill. I'm not an alcoholic. They made me come to this class.

That's great. They just said that.

Yeah.

No, and this thing, alcoholics are cool. They would be like, All right, I get it.

Yeah, absolutely. I wasn't the only one in there like that.

And I also... That part of being an alcoholic is drunk drivers passing through your classes, groups of them. I got busted in '89.

If you got this DUI- That was a part of growing up.

That's all you did was drive drunk. The thing about it is there was no Uber back then, so you just had to... We were all idiots, and we didn't understand that we could kill somebody. Even in the way they dragged the wreckage there, you just had that young, stupid brain like, It's not going to happen to me. That was ended up being That was the best thing that happened to me because that happened when I was 21, and I was already starting to feel... 21 felt old to me then. I was like, What am I doing? I'm going part-time to college. I'm unloading trucks, and I'm getting shit-face, and I'm broke every Thursday waiting for my check. What am I doing? How long can I do this?

That is what has made you the guy who sells stadiums, which is very, very few comics. I know, but you played the size of an audience that very, very, very, very few comics do or ever get to do. Not that many wouldn't even want to, but they don't even get the option. But it all comes from you are an every man. Every crate you lift and all that stuff they see in you, which, and you're, of course, very funny and great at your craft, but there is an emotional connection that they have to you.

That's a very valuable thing. But I think that where I grew up, is another thing because I've grown up. I have a hard time thinking of people in my life, all my childhood friends, everybody I worked with, every place I worked, everybody was funny. There's a weird thing about... Really? Oh, My God. Dude, there was- Wicked and funny? Dude, there's guys I went to high school with. I'm still not as funny as they were. The thing about it was, what made them even funnier was they weren't trying to be funny.

Well, they must be really pissed off. Because they're still carrying the crates.

No, they just had good childhoods. They had cool parents and they were happy.

You said they're funnier than you.

I mean, as far as I remember, some of the guys that I can't even explain. There's a difference. I tell the story, they were the story. These guys, they would get into a fucking fistfight. They didn't care where they were. I always just looked at them, they They were free. I just love... I would be like...

Because they were kids. Because when we're kids, everything's funny. Everybody seems funny. You're just filled with so much extra energy. And part of it, you spend just giggling and laughing. If you're in a good mood and you're not...

No, these guys were fucking funny. I don't think so. I remember one of my- You remember it that way. No, I had a buddy of mine. He fucking... All my friends gambled. He was losing so much fucking money on the Houston Rockets. He kept doubling them down thinking that they were going to win, and they kept losing games. They had these great players. He literally called long distance information, not joking. He said, In Houston, last name, Elijah Juan. He didn't say He was going to do it. He went up and did it, and we just looked over and we just started fucking… He was high, but he literally thought that he was going to get Hakeem Olajuwon on the phone, and he was going to read him the riot act the way he played that night. I'm talking about that shit. I I would have done that as the joke, just so everyone would hear it. He did it dead serious. I'm talking about guys that were going to get their haircut and they had a fucking joint behind their ear and they would comb out their hair and it would fall. They were fucking hilarious.

They weren't trying to be just how they lived their lives. It was fucking hilarious. By the way, that was the same guy. My friends will watch us. I don't know what he's talking about. The same guy did both of those.

I guess I'm less of a fan of practical jokes than many others are. I guess I'm more of a verbal But you know like-There was no practical joke in there.

When you actually do it. He was speaking from his heart.

No, the Elijah one thing. I mean, to do that.

He legit thought he was going to get him on the phone.

I understand. To me, that's a practical joke. It's practical.

I thought a practical joke is if I stick a bucket of water above a door and you open it and it gets you all wet.

That's another kind.

Then I go, A ooga, with a horn.

I mean, you always hear these stories about how George Clooney and some of these big stars. They're practical jokers. Like on one movie, I forget he did with Matt Damon. Every day, he had the wardrobe Department take out his pants just a little bit, take in his pants, so that he thought he was getting fat when he really wasn't because the pants would not fit.

That's a joke. That's like a fucking nightmare. Here's another thing, too. For young actors, when you go to wardrobe because they wear the same pants, I don't give a fuck what it says on the It's not that size. They either let it out or let it in. I used to just go in like, I'm a fucking 34. What is going on? Am I retaining water? What's going on? It really gets in your head and you start eating like, salads and shit. It's just like...

What is your regimen? I'm very curious. Like, your health regimen, how much do you care about what you eat?

No, I do. I don't fuck with desserts. I don't eat bread, and I've laid off like, sugar and stuff. I had a little bit of a relapse. But when you get to be my age, you're not going to go to the gym and burn it off. What's going to happen is your joints are going to wear out before the donut does. So just stop eating the fucking donut. So I just try to maintain. That's exactly. And I keep my shirt on. I'm not one of these testosterone fucking HGH guys. What do you think the price of that's going to be? Because you can't have your cake and eat it. You can't get your frat boy- No.yoked.

Body back. At a certain age, you can look good in clothes loathings. Yes. Okay. And you just have to accept that. And luckily, women accept that. Most women. It's very rare.

They're very forgiving. I also think they like if you're a little bit out of shape because it gives them some leeway.

Well, you keep telling yourself that. They don't like that.

I'm not telling myself that. I'm telling you that. Okay.

I just don't think that's true. That's how you say it. But they are much more forgiving of that than men are. The old saying, men fall in love through their eyes, women fall in love through their ears.

It's just somebody selling books.

No, there is truth in that. Are you kidding? There is absolute truth in that. Women can be what?

That, to me, is when you're younger. When you get older and you actually want to get married, what you're looking for is a good person. At that point, I feel like men and women, it levels out. At that point, you realize, All right, I got some baggage. You Can I deal with your bullshit? You know what I mean? That has to be that initial attraction and all of that, but it really comes down to that. You know what got me? My wife is gorgeous, but really got me going, who is this person? I remember hanging out. I had a sofa that folded down into a futon when I first met her. We were watching TV, and somehow we were talking about dogs, and she started imitating the dog, go, whoa, whoa, whoa. She just threw herself into it, and it was fucking adorable. There was a freedom of the way she did it. That's the second time I brought that up when I used to watch my friends just get into fights, the freedom of it. Because I lived in such an oppressive fucking thing, control freak thing, that I was really attracted to that.

I was still as a performer trying to free myself up on stage. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I just thought, and just seeing this other side of her. There's this whole stereotype that beautiful women aren't funny. My wife is fucking hilarious. It was this. Then I got in a car with her one time, and she puts on Steely Dan. I'm in Harlem, African-American woman. She pops in Steely Dan. The fucking levels. I was just going like, who is this person? And there was beyond anything that I had met. So that's how I didn't be like, oh, look, nice tits. It wasn't that. It was like, this person is like, Was this the first black girl you ever went with? I was equal opportunity, so no. I dated them all. I had a good time in New York. Put it that way. I had a good time.

You lived in New York?

Well, initially, I lived my shutdown years. The Cold War, emotionally for me, was growing up in Massachusetts. Then when I went down to New York and I finally had moved out and everything and finally got through college, I went down there and I- That's where you went after college, New York. I stayed home and paid off my I paid off my college debt. One of my buddies gave me some money because we had a big family, so you had to work your way through college. So I had to pay that off and then going to New York scared the shit out of me. So I had a day job and I was doing stand-up, and I was driving this piece of shit car from high school. I put a new engine in it so I wouldn't take on the debt. And I had like 10 grand. And Then I just went down to New York and I was going like, All right, I got to get a day job. Somehow that morphed into, I need to get more gigs, and I never got a day job. I had just a couple of acting gigs that patted me enough that Then I got an agent, and then I haven't had a day job since '95, which is so cool to me.

I mean, we are so fortunate. I always say, I hope there's not reincarnation because I'm not going to pull a better life. No. I know that sounds crazy to some people. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is crazy because maybe some people live lives that we have no idea about. It's really great to be an accountant.

No, but the thing is, it could be. But some people, that's their passion. Exactly.

For them, that's not working or managing people's money or construction or whatever.

People like building stuff or whatever. I think the big thing that everybody would like is to do a job that they love and work themselves. That's the best.

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Now, why can't we just say people are different, especially-You can't say that, and you just said it, and there's nothing going to be- But we should say it. We're just different when it comes to what we want, how we relate to- No, that's true.

Because I'll tell you this.

Some people are even heterosexual, believe It's either or not. Here's one. They're gay and trans.

Ever since that has gone mainstream, when we were growing up, it was like, you're either gay or straight. That was it. You didn't realize there was this whole There's like a whole thing going on there.

Here's another difference in generations. When I was growing up, it wasn't even gay. It wasn't even there. I don't remember that coming up in high school at all. And trans, I never even heard of in high school.

I saw this great... There's another thing, too, why you should scroll is the level of comedy by regular people, the comments that they leave on this. Oh, my God.

I agree with that.

They're fucking amazing.

They are. They can...

Yeah. So someone was... They showed this clip of Liberace. It was that weird period where rock had taken over, and there was these older acts trying to be hip, so they were doing their swing versions of these rock songs. I forget what Liberace was singing, but the way he was dressed and just running around like that. And this guy wrote in the comments, he said, When I was younger, my dad described Liberace as an eccentric old man. You weren't gay. He's a little eccentric. He worded it better, but all his homosexuality was filed under eccentric. And it's just like this.

They had many, many euphemisms for gay. You couldn't say that in Hollywood, for example, the director, George Cucard, everyone in town knew he was gay. His name was Cucard? No, George Cukor. C-u-k-o-r. You never heard of him? No.

Was his brother Billy Boom Mike?

What? I don't know. Oh, Cukor.

It's all like the camera.

Cukor, not Cukor. All right. Anyway, he was known as a woman's director. They couldn't say gay. That was the- He's a confirmed bachelor. That's another one.

That was another one.

Yes, a confirmed bachelor.

I actually, out of all this shit, homophobia is going to be the dumbest. It's just how somebody is born. I don't understand why anybody gives a fuck. But it's true, though. You didn't like that?

It is true. I'm just saying it.

It sounds like- I deserve a little bit, but I don't understand why all of these people... Well, religion, right? That's what gets everybody going.

Yes. I certainly made my bones with that subject. I'm glad we're on the same page there.

I am 100% on the same page. I'm not saying that there's not something out there, but it doesn't give a fuck about us, or it wouldn't have set this thing up the way it is.

That's a good way to put it.

Where sociopaths seem to just fall up the stairs of success. Then these fucking nerds make all their dreams come true. Whatever weaponry or robot they want, they make them.

No. Justice on Earth is like an award show. It's just random. Yeah.

Then it gets dark.

That does. It does get dark. I thought that we'd just let that sit there. But, well, you're a great star.

Well, here's something I'll tell you about great being a parent is all the highs I've had as a comedian, there was no bigger high than teaching my daughter how ride a bicycle. That day I let go when she took off was fucking amazing.

What do your kids think of Daddy Big Star and Daddy playing these arenas?

They don't really know. My daughter said to me, she knows now, but when she was five, she said to me, she goes, Dad, how come everybody knows who you are? I just go, I'm old. I've met a lot of people. I don't have pictures of me doing stand-up in my house. I'm just totally like- You lied to the child.

You lied to a child.

Well, she didn't say, Are you a comedian? And I said, No, I just don't bring that home. I'm dead. I don't want to be a comedian in my house.

But they're going to notice.

Yeah, they're gone. But I'm not embarrassed of my job.

Not embarrassed.

But I know come home and be like, Hey, I made bonus this weekend in the improv. They had to add a show for dad. I would never do that. Also, I understand that I chose to be in this business, and they didn't. If they want to get in the business, I think it's a great business to be in. No better or worse than any other business. It's just like, if you want to get into it, get into it. But I'm not going to be in some stage, mom.

But there are positives and negatives, but it's undeniably a variable in a kid's upbringing when their father has fame and a great success. I mean, that's not the experience of most kids. Now, there's many ways you can handle I mean, we see a lot of nepo babies. We see a lot of-I love that nepo baby.

Everybody's a nepo baby.

No, they're not.

Yeah, they are. If your dad's a dentist and you become a dentist, now I don't give you credit for being a dentist because your dad was filling teeth.

What a dumb analogy. Why? Because we're talking about nepo and we're talking about in- You are.

I am? That's what you're talking about. No, it's that thing where they go like... I've been doing this bit of all. They talk about Hollywood pedophilia. It's not everywhere. The Catholic Church has to be on the fucking Mount Rushmore, that shit. Of course. Hollywood pedophilia exposed. It's just like, did you watch to catch a predator? That was never in Hollywood. Plenty of people coming up that driveway.

Yeah, no one's denying that.

No one ever made-All right, well, the neppo baby. Your dad has a construction company, you take it over. Does somebody call him a neppo baby? No, it just becomes Sanford and Son.

Yeah, but it's a little more pronounced when it's in the arts because you have this-I hate that Why?

Pronounced. Jesus Christ. Because that's like a P-E-D. You know what it was? That was like a P-E-D for your fucking point.

It's a little more pronounced. Your wife must be a saint because boy- Because you're such a victim right now? No, because you do like to pick a fight about anything.

You just said I was stupid. You just came at me.

That's a completely different subject.

You know I just like arguing with you? I like arguing with you. I love it.

Are you kidding? It's It's like sparring with Muhammad Ali.

Who was the guy? Who was the white guy back then?

Trevor Bobbick.

No, no, no, no, no, The Bayonnebleeder. I'm going to remember his name when I get out of here.

Bill, where are you playing? If someone wanted to see you do stand-up.

Coming up, I am in the Belco Theater, Denver, Colorado, on June fifth and sixth. The eighth, I'm at the Greek Theater in Berkeley, California, with all your Libtard, friends. June ninth. I love how Libtard doesn't even make sense. It's like, moron came up with that. I hate bad... Come up with something better than that. June 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, I'm at the San Jose Civic Center in San Jose. Then at the end of the month at the More Theater in Seattle, four nights, and I'm going to be taping my next special.

Four nights?

Yeah.

How many nights in a row can you do without being too tired to go on? Can you do every night in a row?

It's more like I miss my kids after a while.

But you don't mind doing the show every night in a row? No.

I mean, two shows at my age, I can get a little like...

You do two shows in one night?

No, I don't. I try not to.

That's crazy.

I agree. I try not. That's a young man's game.

It is.

I did enough of those. These These kids coming up, I imagine those gigs still exist. Remember the Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday?

I certainly lived it.

Oh, yeah. You were in Portland, Oregon, and you were in Seattle, and you were in You were just there. You were just fucking there. The hardest show in the week is the second show Saturday, knowing you still have one more to go.

I did three shows sometimes.

That's what I'm saying. Three shows Saturday. But the middle show, the first show, you just have no hope because you got three. The last one is the last one, so that's cool. The second one, knowing you got to do your bullshit act again. Going, Oh, my God. In the third show, they're not throwing anybody out. Because no one's really showing up. So they got to sell their booze. So you had to basically throw a knife at the comic and they be, Hey, settled down. But that's how you get good, though. I always hated You know what you got through? Then once you got through the Saturday, that was like, okay, I'm done. And then you had to sit around the whole fucking day to do one more fucking gig on Sunday.

I don't know if that made me better, honestly, that bullshit.

Made you tough, right?

It made me tough. That's right. It actually didn't make the act better. I remember doing those nights, even with two shows, but especially with three, where you were just petrified, I was, that I would forget where I was, Every comic knows this night there and say the same joke because you thought you hadn't said it yet, but you said it in the first show. So now you've said the same joke in the second show and the audience looks at you like, Oh, wow.

I would just always ask them, Have I told this one yet? I've I'm on three shows. I don't even know where I am right now. I would just say that, and then they would laugh. And then even if I did repeat a joke, they thought it was funny because they think you're just up there and you got the whole thing together. It's just like, No, this is just like when you're at work and you don't know what's going on and you're just faking it. That's what I'm doing right now. So I think that's another thing that's actually in a weird way, it's a way to bond with the crowd. All right, this guy's fucking up at work right now. I can relate to this.

Wow. I must say I've never explored that avenue of dealing with it. But I haven't done two shows in.

But isn't like page one? I always thought page one in comedy when you learn that it's addressing-I remember it happening once.

I remember where I was. It was so dramatic. It was Sacramento. It was December. It was 1983.

Sacramento, when nobody knows who you are, that's a tough time to do stand-up. Rough.

And said the same joke. I don't remember any of the sympathy from the audience that you describe, I guess, when you're a star and you do it.

No, but if you own up to it. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when nobody knew what I was.

There's this dead silence where there was laughter at your other jokes. So you're just like, oh, my God. It's like when you stick a pin in your leg and it's numb there.

No, but if you just said, I already told that joke, didn't I? Then they would have laughed. You're like, oh, my God, I'm a fucking idiot. It's my third show, and it would have been fine.

Yeah, but I was young and I don't know. I just think it's gauche.

But yeah. I'm going to go again with the big words. What does gauche mean? I've heard the word.

It means great in French.

Gosh, No, it doesn't. Manoufik.

Do you remember when you were on Real Time?

Say, Manoufik, monsieur.

You're in the highlight reel. Super. You're in the highlight reel because you're on the panel We're in the guest chair on real-time, but with the panel, and you say, I don't know what I'm doing on this show. I feel like I didn't study for the test.

Oh, God, yeah. I still don't know why you booked me on that show.

Because you were in the celebrity spot and because you're a very bright guy, you play this character of the blue collar regular guy, but you're obviously very smart. In a bar? No.

You know what's really smart? No. Do you know what's really smart? The people they write books about, those are really smart people.

Well, that's definitely on a level above us.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm just comparing me to your friends who you think are so funny. I'm kidding. You just want to defend these friends so bad.

Where are they now?

Describe the friends of me. What do they do? Andy and Bill Bob. What do they do?

Where are they? What do they do? Where are they now? They have regular jobs.

Right. Like?

I'm not going to get into their fucking lives. But everything that you would look down your fucking nose.

Do your kids play together still?

Yeah.

Your kids play with their kids. That must be a satisfying feeling.

I think so. Do my kids play together? With their kids? Well, they live back East. I also started late, so their kids are grown up.

Oh, well, that would be inappropriate.

Yeah, that would be inappropriate. They just tell me it's the greatest thing and just enjoy every second of it because it's going to fly by or whatever. I've let go a lot of that. That whole fucking enjoy every second of it. It's like the reason why you feel, I think when you get older as a parent, that you didn't enjoy it enough is because of the responsibility to make a functioning, empathetic human being. You can't fucking enjoy it because you're waiting for whatever other shoe is going to drop.

You still have that attitude?

Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest with you, I don't listen to any parent that comes at me with some negative shit. I just go like, well, you obviously fucked the job up. Then also there's this thing that parents have that once they have kids, they become these all-knowing beings, and they know more than because their kids are older. It's like, that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any fucking sense. I remember when I thought for a minute I was playing drums, I was like, well, maybe this is what I'm going to do because I didn't want to have a real job. I was playing drums, but every time I go to the music store, I would see some eight-year-old kid go in there and he just had it. He was already expressing himself or she was on the drums. I just remembered like, I don't know what the fuck my point is at this. I understand But I couldn't go up to that kid and be like, Well, I've been paying longer than you. Well, let me tell you something. I was like, No, you're better at this shit. You're already better at this shit than I am.

That's the key. So parenting, it could be like that. I could be better than you. So maybe what you're telling me is like, How do I know you don't suck at this fucking job?

But that had it. You have to be born with it because show business is so competitive that unless you have a great amount of the innate ability, whether you're a comic or a drummer or whatever it is, even then you may not get to the top or close to the top because there are people who will have a lot of innate ability, but then they're fucking demons fuck them up.

Yeah, self-sabotaged. They're not good at the business. Because what I experienced, the hardest thing I experienced when I was coming up was watching people that were good at the I wasn't, and watching them pass me, whatever that even means. But when you're young, you think this person is passing me. Totally. They're on Comedy Central. I haven't gone on Comedy Central. I must be doing something wrong. Exactly. What are they doing? Oh, they have a fucking website. I got to get a website. People think that shit. I remember when Dane did all of that shit on fucking... Was it MySpace back then? All of these comics were like, I'm going to get on MySpace, and then I'm going to sell tickets like that. They did. It's like, that worked for him. You're right. It's just like, after a while, once you reach a level of maturity, you're like, Fuck this. I'm doing what I'm doing. And wherever this takes me, this takes me, and I have to be okay with that. Because there's some people out there that are just like... If you're in a band, if you're in a band that's like a band, and you're really writing what you want to write.

You're never going to sell more records than a fucking pop star, whatever, downloads, whatever it is. You have to be all right with You have to be all right with that there's going to be these pop stars coming through that are just going to... They have that megawatt electrifying thing and all the girls love them and everything. That was not me. That was not that good.

That's not comedy. That's music.

No, that happens in comedy. Rarely.

Eddie Murphy, Russell Brand.

Dane had it. Matt Reif has it. Those guys, they have that in factory where it's like, this is a good conversation if my cigar goes out, buddy.

Think of how many comics that is over 40 years. It's not a common thing.

Yeah, but that's like a special thing. Joe Coy. I worked with that guy one time, man. That fucking guy, the level of talent that guy has to sing and do all of this stuff at the end. I was looking at this guy going, this guy is literally a pop star doing stand-up comedy. The women were going fucking crazy. I could make people in the crowd lap, but there's a different thing with a guy like that where they are enamored. Oh, my God. I didn't know that about it. It's like a Beatlemania type of thing. You use something from your generation.

Yeah, the Beatles. I remember.

Yeah, it's like the four tops.

Right. I remember being backstage at the Sullivan Show when they went on. You went to Shae's. I had some good advice for them that night. Guys, sing the hits. People don't want to hear the B-sides and the moody stuff. Sing the hits. And they changed their setlist that night.

What is so amazing about them is they should have been over in two summers because they were essentially a boy band.

The most ridiculous thing you've said tonight.

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was one of their first songs. They made a few records after that. You got to be kidding, Bill.

I'm talking about going from that to the white album. The fact that they made that trajectory, that they had all of this management that were probably wanting them... Remember that guy saying the twist, and the next summer, he was like, twist again? I mean, it was over. You know that they wanted to be next summer saying, She loves you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They were just, It works. Let's ride this thing to the ground. They were like, Fuck that. We're going to keep developing as musicians. We're going to start our own label.

They did a lot of shit. Absolutely.

I'm on the same page with you. I know young people shit on you. You're Zeppelin.

I know that happens a lot.

That's in vogue for young kids to say, The Beatles stink.

I can always talk Beatles, and Yes, they always... One reason they are prima inter paris among rock gods is that they...

I've never heard all of those words. Is that three words? Was that two words?

That's Latin for first among equals.

Don't you say that for your parties when you're wearing your smoking jacket? I'll tell you that Bill Maher is really smart. He is really well-read. He just said Prima Perivardis.

Prima interperis. Interperis. You know what? I'm not the bad guy because I know more. Okay? Can we just get that? That's right. Don't make me- Can we just kira on that? I'm not the bad guy because I know things. I apologize.

You should say, I'm sorry, I'm not stupid, Bill. That's what you should have said. You're right. That's what you should have said.

And that's why you sell stadium. Because you could fucking get it right on the head. Okay. But But the Beatles are first among equals, okay, because they always stayed ahead of the audience. Albert Goldman, in his brilliant book, I thought, made the point that, 1966, it's only two years after Beatlemania, the first song on Revolver is Taxman. He said, What could be less interesting to a teenager than taxes?

But it's also relatable.

Not to a teenager. They care about taxes.

I did.

As a teenager?

Yeah, as a teenager. Because there was like a fucking glass ceiling on the amount of money I could take home. I was working full fucking time in this warehouse. I could not make 300 bucks in a week. I just couldn't. With the overtime, I would get it, and they would just punch me back down to $2.40, $2.35. I remember one year, like a fucking idiot, I didn't get any taxes taken out of my check. I was drinking the whole fucking with it. Then it came and I owed thousands and thousands of dollars. That was one of the dumbest things I did as a kid.

When I was 17.

When I was 17.

It was a very good year. No. I was the delivery boy for the only industry in town, the liquor and drug store. I would do both.

That's a great job.

I thought it was so cool.

You know what I like? Because you didn't have to be at work. You grew in that time when you were in your car. Yeah. It's the greatest.

I was delivering drugs and liquor. Fantastic. Wet my appetite for my future.

I remember I had a gig one summer, washing windows and houses outside those fucking... I remember those stupid storm windows that they have back east. Like your fingers. By the end of the day, you had to switch fingers from just opening. For some fucking reason, everybody had a screen and they had three of these fucking solid ones, and they wanted you to wash all of them. My favorite part of that job was in between When we were driving, my buddy had this fucking sick ass. He had this F-150.

I bet he was funny about it.

Oh, he was fucking hilarious. He was fucking hilarious. Oh, my gosh.

About the truck?

Even? That good? Listen, I get it. You're not a knock-around guy. You looked up Latin words and you didn't fucking hang out with the fellows, and they used to hang you by your underwear at the locker. So now none of them are funny because this is your one thing. But I'm funny. They could It'll never be as funny as me. There's so much shit about you that's funny that you're not even trying to be funny. Your whole fucking outfit is hilarious.

My outfit? I don't know what it is. A shirt and pants as an outfit?

You dress like that, you're going to sing that... What is that song? Splish- Splash, I was taking a bath with your stupid little slippers that you're wearing.

Slippers? These are boots. These are almost-Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

You're an outlaw.

These are almost beetle boots.

Chelsea boots. I know that because my wife's into fashion.

Never got over beetle boots because they were the greatest. What were? Beet boots.

Those were badass.

Well, that's what it was. It was like the half boot. That's what they sang She Loves You. That's a three-quarter time.

Yeah. You know what I like about their music? It's like two-and-a-a-half minute song. What they could say about a relationship that's still relatable. When I really started going into their back catalog, right? Not back catalog. Their later in their career, Rubber Soul and all of that shit, Revolver.

It was not later. That was mid.

All right. Relaxed, you fucking historian. Good. Throw another Latin word at me. Anyway, I started listening to the lyrics, and I would be like, I literally just went through that with whoever I was dating.

Which song are we referring to?

I don't fucking have it memorized. I'm looking through you. Oh, that's called I'm Looking Through. What, dude? That fucking song is about the end of a relationship, and you're experiencing that as a young person. You don't look different, but things have changed. The love died. It's fucking over, and now you have to learn how to break up with somebody.

Can I share something about the Beatles with you without you making fun of me? Maybe you'll find it. Bill, that's why I'm here.

Okay. To listen to you share your ideas about track three.

When I ask, it gets shot down. Okay, but I'm going to do it anyway. That's from their mid-period. That's 1965, Rubber Soul.

You were what?

'28? That was the first album First. That was the first album.

You bought your first Beatle boots.

I was nine. First album after Beatlemania. It's great. That period-Do you ever think that you're older than the hula hoop? That period, I remember the hula hoop. That's true. That period, Paul McCartney was with his girlfriend was Jane Asher. He lived in her parents apartment in the Garret for three years in the middle of London. I'm not making this up. What's the Garret? The Garret is like an attic. The the top of the apartment.

We're in California. You could just say attic. Then after that, did they move to the garage and have put some basil on their fry up?

Knowing things and words, asshole. That's an asshole thing to do, to use the English word for fucking attic in California.

Okay. I'm one more reference away from taking this mic off and just walking out. I want to make a list of all the things I didn't know, and I'm just going to fucking say them all to my wife tonight. She's like, Who the fuck did you have? Are you on mushrooms? What are you talking? The Garrett.

We have to do... Garrett. G-a-r-r-o-t-t.

Brad Garrett.

A Garrett. Like, Garrett. Yes, with an O. When he goes over there, they think his name is Brad Attick. No. Anyway, Paul McCartney, he was with this. She was Bill Bullocks. A number of the songs in that period, like that one, are really about her. And some of them are quite wistful. I think at the beginning, it's I've just seen a face, but it gets to- Put more heart into it. It gets to some... You could just tell that it was a relationship that was like... I mean, he was in the middle of... He's a beetle in London. I don't know. But he was a guy who needed a family. He liked having a family. So he lived with the girlfriend's family in the fucking attic.

He's a relationship guy.

He's a relationship guy. Yeah. What? A hundred %. No, I'm not mocking it.

I'm just- I wasn't saying you were. Getting really defensive.

No, I'm just... It's back to my point. People are different. Different about that.

Yes. And that's why I have no problem with how you live your life. You are a happy guy.

I am a happy guy, and you're a happy guy. I am. See, that's the thing. We found what makes us happy.

Yeah. And then you get into your ego, and not you, not metaphorically, hypothetically, generally, whatever the fuck you said, garretly, is you start thinking like, Oh, this is the way you're happy is what made me happy. You have to do it the way that I'm fucking doing that. Then that's like, I don't. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Can I? Can I lose you in that somehow?

Yeah, because Because I feel like now you're reading my lines. That's my line.

I can do whatever the fuck I want. When you're a joke thief, eventually you run into the comic, you took it from.

Well, you are not a joke thief. No. I mean, I don't know if when you came up being of such a different generation.

It was totally different.

It was the same way. We had cars. But when I came up as a comic, I mean, it was like the Cardinal Sin.

Oh, it's still the Cardinal Sin. It is. Okay. It's still the Cardinal Sin.

I would think it would have to be.

Because that's all we have is our own take on shit. Right. And in Boston, before cell phone cameras and all of that stuff, if you took somebody's joke, that person came in and fucking punched you out.

There's a famous story about Tim Thomerson, who I never worked with. He was even older than me, if that's imaginable. It's incredible.

Was he World War II?

World War II, yes. They used to call him the Major. No, this is like late '70s when-He did Omaha Beach the day after D-Day. He worked with Frank Capra.

It was a rough crowd.

He worked with Frank Capra. I know who he is.

He's fucking amazing. I'm joking. Yes. Tim Thomas said he's one of the legends down at a Comedy Store.

The story was that when Robin Williams, rest his soul, a great guy, but he might have had a tendency once in a while, because he was on Mork and Mindy, to hear something at the Comedy Store, and perhaps it involuntarily got into the back of his head, and then it would appear on Mork and Mindy. The story was that Tim Thomas just walked into the Comedy Store one night and punched him in the face.

Well, I mean, if you do shit like... I mean, and who said he was wrong?

I'm just saying.

Yeah, that's how that shit was handled. It was like hockey. It was settled on the ice.

Yeah. But Boston comics just seem more truculent and pugilistic than most to me.

I knew what that meant. I would agree or disagree with it.

I normally would not have used those words.

Did you ever play Next Comedy Stop? I bet you had some rough sets in that one.

I had a rough night in Boston once where I was the headliner.

I can see you not having a good in Boston. I could see them going- That was a long time ago. This is a hacky reference, but you totally have the energy of, You forgot to give out the homework assignment, Mrs. So and so.

Boston, you may have heard, is a college town. There's quite a few intellectuals there. The audience that's very sophisticated, they like my show. Okay, we all have our niche.

Oh, God, you're so fucking high brow. Well, it's true. Does your shit jokes float above ours?

A little bit.

Why? Because you say Settment or something. Something about shit.

Wait, what was I just going to tell you? God damn it.

Nothing interesting.

No, it was. What were we talking about?

I'm fucking with you. Something. No, we were talking about going to Boston.

Boston. Thank you. Yes. I love Boston. It loves me. That's been good. I did a special there. You just went regis on me. Special there in 2007. I have a love affair with the Boston audience. We are like this because they're just very smart. What can I tell you? I I know you hate to hear that.

No, it just sounds like you have a gig coming up in Boston, and the tickets are a little slow.

No, they're never slow in Boston. Never slow in Boston.

Do you perform in Cambridge?

Cambridge.

That's where Harvard is. For a guy like you, that's got to be the Taj Mahal. I love that that bugs you. I hate Harvard.

Are you kidding? Have you heard what's going on on college campuses these days?

I don't watch the news.

You don't realize that college campuses erupted with If the kids demonstrating for Hamas? They are in with the terrorists? They were for the Palestinians. Well, it's the same cause. Why? Are you?

I'm on the side of the kids.

Yeah, that's easy to say. No one wants to see kids dead. This is a war.

That was very brave of you to say this.

This is a war. No, I'm the one who's actually brave on this.

Pat yourself on the back.

It's easy to say I'm for the kids. Who's not for the kids? It comes down to real hard-nosed decisions.

Stop talking like you're a general.

A country got attacked. Israel got attacked.

I'm not saying that they didn't have a right to go back. I'm just sitting there going like, How do I look at what- The only country in the world that they get attacked, and then as soon as they counterattack, it's like, Well, we got to stop this shit now.

Don't attack them. It's a very simple solution to all this problem in the Middle East. Stop attacking Israel. You just solved it. Stop attacking Israel. You just solved it. I did.

I actually did. There you go. That's fantastic.

Anyway.

All right. We don't need to get onto that. Let's go to Russia and the Ukraine. How do you solve that one, Bill? Let me hear your hard-nosed decision about that. Well, let me ask you a question. How is war still legal? With all this shit that's been canceled. Legal. Why is that still fucking legal?

Would you like a real answer to that? Because for something to be illegal, you have to have the capacity to enforce it, and you can't enforce against war, or else you have to go to war with the country that's going to war. We don't want to go to war with Russia over Ukraine. What would be the sense of making it illegal? Or that's really going to stop Putin? No. To stop people from going to war, you have to also put boots.

You can't sit down and talk it out. Why can't Putin do a podcast with the head guy. You just solve the Middle East on a podcast. Why can't they solve what they're doing on a podcast?

This is why this is not your thing. This is not your thing.

It's what you're doing.

It is my thing.

It is not your thing. You're like that guy that has a fantasy football team and thinks he's a fucking GM. No. That's exactly what it is. Why am I fucking listening to you? You've done something. What have you done in Washington? Nothing.

No, I would never go to Washington.

It's beneath you.

No.

You would be the coolest fucking guy in Washington.

You showed up with those boots and no tie.

They'd be like, Oh, my God.

It would be so easy.

Did Kevin Bacon just come back to that footloose town? Kevin You could teach them how to dance, Bill.

Yeah, I absolutely could.

You fucking get off your little private jet. I have a TV show.

You travel Southwest Is that right, Bill?

I love Southwest. Really? I love the order.

Is that how you travel?

I love Southwest.

Do you travel commercial?

Most of the time, yeah. You do? Yeah.

Commercial? Yeah.

Interesting. Bigger plane, better pilots. You don't get knocked as much. You're riding a fucking Cadillac. The only thing that sucks about commercial is boarding. That's it. Once you're there and you got your fucking shit up there, you're flying first class, which all first class is, if you haven't flown it, is they treat you like a human being. As opposed to the animal in the back. They just throw you back there. That was my whole career working my way up to being treated. I remember the DC9 when you just sit there and your window didn't open because there was an engine there? You don't remember that? How about that last row in the DC9? The window doesn't open. There's an engine right there. Then right across from you is the bathroom. You got to listen to another human being take a fucking shit behind one of those things Starlets used to get undressed behind.

I'm still stuck on you defending- Stuck on you. Still stuck on you defending commercial flights as better. Now, you can make the case that it's wrong to fly private. I get that. But I've never heard anyone make the case that it's actually better to be on Delta. That's cokey.

No, I hate Delta. Delta is the fucking worst.

I bet you fly private more than you're letting on.

Listen, if I have to go somewhere and I don't have enough time to get there.

Oh, suddenly, we've got an exception.

No, I said, mainly, I fly commercial.

Well, you're an idiot. You shouldn't. You know what?

What is this? If I don't agree with you. I'm an idiot.

You're right. I apologize.

Fucking John Varvedo's shirt. You're not young. Put on a sweater, for fuck's sakes.

Put on a sweater. Why? I have to be...

At your age.

That's the secret in life. Avoid that. No. Don't you think?

No.

No?

Well, hey, I'm an idiot, right? No, I think the number one thing is to be your age. Like, All these fucking people, they go do a college gig at my age. I'm going to be 56 next month. Be 56 and come at them as a 56-year-old, and then you can give them advice on all the shit that you did and just say, Hey, this worked for me. You can just have a great time with them. You could have a fucking great time. What fucks you up is if you're looking at what they're wearing and you fucking come up with your little outfit.

I don't know why this simple shirt and pair of plain black jeans.

Can I tell you something? There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're wearing. That's why it's so much fun to just make fun of it. It's a little bit of a fucking pirate shirt. You got a lot of extra material in the... You know what? That's what it is. It's this. Why? First of all, you should have buttoned that if you actually were the gentleman you're trying to be.

Button this? Yeah. You're right.

You had a woman in your life, she wouldn't let you go on camera like that.

It's almost like we're giving you an advanced comedy test. Can How can you make fun of this?

We're just pretty bland. It's not like a crazy, like you're a fashion type.

It's bland.

Like your opinions. Yeah, exactly. Then when I fucking go against you, then I go, oh, a big word, another big G word. Another big G-word. Look at you. You memorizing that part of the fucking dictionary? I don't have kids. I got all day long. I can read the dictionary and use my fucking three-dollar words with a guy who unloads trucks.

Why do I think Why don't we do a...

We got to do a buddy movie. This is perfect. This is Walter Mathau, Jack Lennon.

I'm certainly not going to do a movie, but there is something about- You seem like an actor. There is something very minable about This vein of comedy of the single guy, the married guy, the pompous professor guy, and the blue collar guy. It does write it.

That was Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad is one of the great dark comedies of all time, where you had this super smart teacher and he had his biggest fuck up as a student, and then they have to somehow work. It was the odd couple.

It was fantastic. I never watched that show, and I know everybody loves it. I'm going to watch it now because That is interesting to me.

I'll tell you what was the coolest thing about that show is, you know those, anytime you make a TV show or a movie, you always have these people that go, No, that never would have happened like that. Do everything that They did. Right down to me, me and Lavelle Crawford, laying on that pile of money. They figured out how much money Mr. White would have in what denominations and how high it would be to shoot those people down. When we did this train robbery scene, I got to be on that. It was so fucking robbing a train. It was amazing. Whatever chemical they had in one of them, they used to make meth. So they were taking it out. My job was to stall the train. They take it out and then replace it with water. They had their team figure out how long that would take. They said, We literally had somebody that would be on the internet. That wouldn't happen like that. They said, Actually, it would. The volume of water is this, the volume of that. They would just shut them the fucked out. Like a comedian, just chopping the head off of the fucking loudmouth asshole in the front row.

They did that while making one of the greatest shows of all time. That is satisfying. I already loved everybody. The show, it was almost efficiently run. They just knew what they wanted to do. One of the first times I did the gig there, we got through the scene so fast. They switched my flight from the next day, Southwest. They go, We can get you right now. We can go get your bags at the thing. I felt like fucking Elvis.

Do you have a deal now for make more movies somewhere?

No.

No?

It doesn't exist anymore.

What?

It doesn't exist. No more three- No more three-picture deals? They don't They're getting away from first-look deals. I'm always late to the party. When I started, standup was right after the '80s. All the balloons were popped on the ground and everybody was getting their wages garnished.

Oh, yes. Again, my generation ruined everything.

I didn't say you ruined. I didn't even say that.

No, but that '80s, that's when I was starting. I mean, that's when I was a young comment.

All right, but I didn't say you ruined it. No. I'm just saying no, but it got bloated. It was on every channel, and then it went. I used to open for God. It got bloated, yes. Yeah, and I used to open for guys. They would try to discourage me. They would be like, Oh, man, I didn't even know why you even started. If I was your age, I would get the fuck out of this business. That's what they told me. They would be like, Wednesday night, look at this. There's nobody in here. Fucking three years ago, there'd be a line down the fucking block. I didn't have any deflector shields. I would be listening. Really? Oh, my God. Should I quit? But fortunately, I sucked at everything else in life, so I really didn't have any options.

I didn't have a I don't plan B either, really. I remember when I got out of college, I sent out resumes to advertising agencies. I guess I thought I could get that as a day job, be an adman, write ad copy.

I could see that.

I could see it, too. I mean, it's not that different from stand-up in a way you're trying to be humorous and pithy.

You probably talk down to a few clients, but you throw those words in and they'd be like, This guy's smart. This guy knows how to sell these widgets.

I'm telling you, when we both flame out and doing a morning talk show in Seattle, this stuff is going to be gold. It's Fart Man and Asshole Jack.

That was Morning Radio. Morning Radio was always a real name, and then Eddie and the Bulldog. It was always something like that. We got Wild Man Vermouth with fucking Jerry. It was always a regular name, then something crazy.

There's no more three-picture deals, no more deals at streaming services?

I shouldn't say that. Don't they need content? For someone like me.

Really? When you're a bald ginger in Hollywood, it's basically Basically. But didn't Old Dads do very well?

Yes, it did.

Then why- Clushed.

During the strike, it was numb. Let me fucking... For everyone who worked on that movie, Bobby Cadevale and all of those amazing actors and everybody- I like him. Patrick Donvido. Everybody helped me edit the thing. Ben Tischler, all of them. We were number one globally on Netflix two weekends in a row, and it streamed like 50 million.

Because who around the world doesn't understand the concept of Old Dads? Certainly in Pakistan.

Well, maybe we just made a good movie.

Okay, so real me this about the business.

Was there a compliment, the thanks?

What?

There was no compliment in that.

Actually, there was.

There was shit on it. You didn't think that it went fucking global. No. I didn't say in Pakistan, they were watching. They might have. You don't think there's some old dads there? No.

What I said, it was-That's right.

You figured out the middle east. I forgot.

It was a giant hit. No. I found a way to craftily get A very good compliment into you.

That's what it is. Without making it look like one.

Because I am the pompous professor, my friend.

I like it.

I know you do. Anyway, but riddle me this about the business because I'm always reading, as we're always talking of people at dinner when we're in this town and we're all in the business, and we're talking about the changing and the streaming and everything. Why is it if a movie does well like that, then there isn't at least a offer to do the next one?

Because the people running it now, they're doing like what Germany did, where they tried to take over the whole world. And you can't do that because there's just so many people don't want But there's always something in every business, like Amazon or fucking Walmart. They're always trying, let's open up a cross from this mom and pop and put them out of business and we'll be the only showing them. There's just always people doing that.

So What does that have to do with hiring a guy who just had a big hit movie to do another hit movie? If you want to take over the world- Because streaming service has devalued art, where back in the day, you used to pay 10 bucks to go see a movie.

Now, 20 bucks. You get all the money.

We're not even talking about art.

We're This is what I'm talking about. We're talking about success. You ask me a question, I'm trying to fucking answer it.

We're talking about success.

Why don't you just tell me what it is rather than ask me? We could save some time.

I'm asking because I don't understand. The movie had success. It doesn't matter if it was art or not.

I can tell you what happened to me. I fucking went back and I pitched another movie to two junior executives, and I waited six weeks to get an offer that it was just like it never happened. Still starting out like that movie It never happened. That's how the acting world... That's why I think being an actor is so much harder than being a fucking comedian. Because if I come through town, first time I headline your club, I draw okay, but you see I'm funny. Well, I take another chance on this guy. I come back. Even if the same 30 people show up, but you see I have a whole new act, they see it and you've proven you're funny. I don't have to reprove that I'm funny. No. Again, we're an actor. This fucking actor is with an Oscar. There's people going, Yeah, I don't know. Can they play that? It's like they won the highest fucking award. I have empathy for actors for the lack of control there. First of all, you do the performance, and if you're not in the edit, especially if it's a comedy, and you get the wrong guy editing it, then they're going to leave you hanging out to dry.

The actors really are like the quarterback of the team where it's like, if you win, you're fucking Joe Montana. If you lose, you're a bust. A lot of times, and as you're making a movie, you have no idea how it's going to come together.

No idea. I've been on enough movies to know it is just always a mystery. There's so many things that can go wrong.

Are they going to promote it? I did this I did this really, really great movie, Front Runner, and it came out the same weekend as Aquaman. I saw one of the stars promote it for two days.

Yeah, I never heard of it.

Then the next time I saw him, he was promoting his next project, and I said, Oh, my God, they're burying it. It's not going to get-What was it on? It was in the movie theater.

I was in the theater. Yeah. Ike.

I mean, most- You would have liked the movie. It was about Gary Hart.

I would have watched it.

Gary Hart. It was about the first politician- Never heard of him. Where they went into his personal life. There was this big debate.

What did you play?

I played one of the reporters for the Miami Hérald, and the big thing was there was a battle at the paper. They had this great scene where it's like, We can't run this because we'll be like a tabloid. Then the big thing was Gary Hart said, Hey, I'm an open book. Go ahead, look at everything. He said that. He did. That was their wiggle room to get in that. Then after that- Nothing was the same. Nothing was the same. But I always wondered, what did Gary Hart think? Because he had to end his campaign because of infidelities. Then within four years, Bill Clinton comes in, and he's like the Teflon Dawn None of it sticks to him, and he still ends up getting elected and does two terms. He must have been thinking like, Oh, I could have done that. I didn't know that. I could have just went like, I did not have sexual relationship. I love the look of determinant. I did not. I always wanted to if he stood in the mirror and got that bottom lip.

He was something But I'm still so puzzled by this, though. Just in their interest, you'd think it would be in their interest if you did something that was successful for them to want to... That's I mean, you could always count on that in show business. Art is just always that if you're lucky, it coincides with their business interests. But profit, success, people bought it, that's what they care about. That's why I don't understand about this. It's in their interest. So something is very fucked up in this media age we live in when success is not rewarded. And I've heard a lot of people say that about streaming, that success is not rewarded directly like it was back in the day. You bought a record, that went to number one. People actually went to the store and bought it. We knew which was most popular. Same thing with movies, the box office.

Now, streamers, they're holding all the cards. It's like Stripes. Remember Stripes? That great scene? John Candy, and he's looking, Oh, yeah, man, you lost again. He's looking at his cards and shit. They give you the numbers, and it's just like, How do I know that's It's true. For the awards season, they can go, This is a massive hit, blah, blah, blah, blah, It's become like that. I just roll with it. I don't think it's going to stay like this.

Are you working on scripts, though, for idea?

Yeah. Me and Ben Tushel were writing another one. We got another great idea. It's another thing. In the title, you know what it's. That's what I liked about Old Dads. You knew what it was. Then within that, you could touch on a lot of bigger topics with just regular people. We were commenting on, like summing somebody up in one tweet.

You like the process of writing a movie with somebody?

I love writing. I love writing dialog. One of my favorite things to do is I want every actor that shows up to be excited, that we wrote them something that's going to be fun to say because then they come to the set.

Of course. They're fun. That's how you get an actor to do it.

Yeah. Then for the crew, all you do once a week, you bring in a food truck and a coffee truck on another day, they're like, Okay, this guy gives a fuck. The bar is so low.

You only feed your crew once a week?

No, there's a regular thing. But once a week, if you spring for a food truck, because that's coming out of your pocket. That's not them. They're like, All right, this guy's a solid guy. So then if you have a long day because shit isn't working, which is going to happen, they're not looking at you like, How many times going to eat this fucking lasagna? Lasagna is like the big... If you got to cook for 100 people, they come out in those aluminum trays. If a truck comes up every once in a while, you got to give somebody a ray of light as they're doing it.

It's a great tip for the kids out there who are thinking about Going into the business and treating crew as bad or good once a week.

Can I tell you how low the bar is?

Oh, you just did. A food truck once a week will do it. Yeah.

You know what? I tell you, just saying good morning to people. They're like, You're like one of the nicest guys I've ever worked for. It's just like, What the fuck happened to you? Who doesn't say good morning? There's people that don't say good morning.

No. I mean, look, I would not have Oh, my God. To do a movie, first of all, you got to get up at the crack of dawn. I remember in the '80s doing it. It's like all you do is the movie- Then you're in DCab, right? Dcab, my first big picture. You do the movie and sleep. That's your whole life. There's almost nothing else.

If you're the director, you do the movie and then you answer questions and then you go to sleep and you wake up and there's more questions.

Yeah. Well, I'm saying it's just a movie in sleep. There's no life there.

So it was a great experience for me because I already obviously respected people that directed and edited everything, but I didn't understand the process of how tedious it is. My ADD and everything, I really had to... I had to figure out a way in the edit room to give your brain a break. So What we started doing was me, Ben, and Patrick Donvido, who edited the movie, we would go for walks. We'd be like, let's just take a walk around the block. We got to get out because we're just in this fucking editing bay. This curtains are down and everything, and you're just fucking in this thing. It became really productive to not sit there all day working, to actually get up and you'd be looking forward. What do you think? 11 o'clock, we'll go for a walk. Okay, great. Then I can break my day down. We We would have lunch, and then the afternoon, we would go for another walk, just walking around, trying different restaurants.

What about a meditation podcast for you? What do you think? You do just mindfulness where you just talk.

Did that make you uncomfortable that I did that?

You see, you do that to me, but what I do to you, it's suddenly it's out of bounds.

No, I knew what you were doing. I thought we were doing that thing. So why I hit it back to you? Did that make you uncomfortable? I took it off of me. I put it on you. That's nothing new.

No, I'm just saying I see you doing a... We call it meditation for me.

I am a me head. I don't have a problem with that. I am.

One of my biggest-It's a mindfulness.

The best thing about me is I know I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot. If you're an idiot, what?

I mean, you know.

It's not an idiot. It's just a- You're calling me a fucking meathead, and then you say I'm not an idiot.

You're all over the road here.

It's a bit. But no, It's just that people perceive truth differently. If you've ever had a lover who is in the arts, I know you hate that term, but like, are artistic people, they don't perceive truth exactly literally. Now, Sometimes that's better and sometimes it's worse because sometimes the truth is just the truth, and they don't see it that way. They see it artistically. They see it through a very- That's your question. I don't think they're stupid or I just think they see life through a different prism. That's your question. When was last time?

From the bottom of your heart, you said to another human being, You know what? I'm wrong.

Oh, all the time. All the time. Really? My favorite words are I'm wrong or I don't know because every time I say them, I learn something. Absolutely.

I didn't see that coming from you.

I know. But we don't- That extra material in your sleeves. We don't know each other, and I dress like a clown, so why would we? This is one of the most showbiz ridiculous showbiz.

This is one of the most showbiz friendships I have in this business because the only time I've ever been to his podcast or your show.

It's just the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Have you seen Casablanca lately? I would recommend it highly. I love it.

I did. I actually- It's so great. Took my wife to go see Casablanca where they had the symphony downtown.

I saw it also with a lady friend. It's very meaningful.

They had a live orchestra playing the score as you watched the movie. It was so cool.

Where was this?

Whatever that big symphony hall is that I never go to.

Oh, downtown? The Disney Center?

Yeah, the one that looks all weird. Yeah, the one from Frank- Frank Gary? Frank Gary? He's an architect. I knew he's an architect. Oh, that's a big thing in your world, knowing architects' names.

I wasn't trying to break.

That's an L. Ron Hubbard.

No, no. It's just I'm always- No, Frank Lloyd Wright.

I always say L. Ron Hubbard. Frank Lloyd. That's a Frank Lloyd Wright.

You knew that one.

I like Frank Lloyd Wright.

Right. He and his brother invented- I like Art Deco. Frank Lloyd Wright. He and his brother invented the airplane.

I like Art Deco. First of all, I don't think you could change the oil in a car, so don't talk about fucking architecture.

I can't, and I wouldn't want to.

Oh, let me adjust my glasses.

Why would I want? Why would I want to, Eliza? I'm Professor Henry Higgins. That's another great way.

It's a really satisfying film.

Have you seen My Fair Lady? Can I recommend Watch that with your wife, My Fair Lady.

You really enjoy it. Some white woman spinning around in a field? I don't think she was going to be too into that.

No, that's the sound of music, fool.

Aren't those all the same movie? No. Isn't that all Fast and the Furious for the music lovers?

No. My Fair Lady is based on Pygmalion.

Oh, that's based on that. Can I tell you something, Bill? Most of the shit that you say is not smart. It's just obscure.

It's not obscure to a certain percentage. Of people. People that are in your altitude. I'm not some giant egghead.

I'm just like- I know you're not that smart.

I know. I'm not saying I am, which is something about all these things I say that you don't know what I'm talking about. So what? I know.

There's subjects I could bring up. You're just in the musicals. You're not going to make me feel dumb because who's your favorite?

You're so dumb, you sell stadiums.

Let me ask you this. What's your favorite top musical?

I'm not a musical fan at all. My Fair Lady was playing in the house when I was a kid, along with some other ones, but that's the one I gravitated to. I still could play Professor Henry Higgins. I'm almost still not too old to do that. I'm not going to do that, but it's one of the rare parts where I would be perfect for it. He's a pompous professor.

There you go.

And it's just delightful. The music is great. I'm sure you know many of the songs. I won't sing them all for you.

Sing one for me.

I have often walked on this street before.

Sing another one. I don't know that one. I'm walking down it now. Doobie-doo. Good clean fun. What's that? What is that? That's scat singing from your generation.

That's scat singing. That's one of the most annoying things When I wore- Scat singing? Oh, when I...

I get it. You sound like a trumpet. Stop it.

It would make your zoot zoot itch.

Scat singing is something I have to walk away from.

What music do you listen to? What music do you listen to? Bill Burr?

I'll tell you the latest thing I downloaded, Willow Smith.

Willow Smith?

Just put out a fucking incredible album. What I'm loving is the drums are incredible, and so much is in an odd time. I was trying to play along to this one song. It started in seven, and it stops as a bar of eight, and then you play in seven, and then the chorus is in four. I literally had to write it out to try and just figure out the first freaking half of it. I listened to that. I still listen to Zeppelin. I've been listening to Kenny Rogers. I like old-school country. I like A lot of hip hop right into... Right about Biggie dying and Jay-Z coming up. I liked all of that. I liked Storytellers.

'90s.

Yeah. A lot of the '80s shit is really cool, too. But basically the '90s. And what I loved about Biggie was he was fucking hilarious, and he was an incredible, incredible storyteller. And his stage presence was was unbelievable. And the fact that he was only 24. He did all of that by 24. I was really into that. Now, you just age out of it because people are talking about stuff. I mean, not like I could relate to what he was doing.

Actually, Bill, I wish we could, but there's another rap war going on currently. Maybe you've heard about it between Drake and Kendrick Lamar.

And who better to discuss this A 60 something and a 50 something year old white guy.

What do you make of this rap war, this renaissance of the '90s rap war?

I think it's great. It's great. Great?

Well, it's great for- Somebody got shot today.

Oh, well, you have to make your hard-nosed decisions. No, I think it's great. It's fun. I think it's fun.

Why can't we all get along?

Why can't we all get along? Because sociopaths want all of it.

But why? They don't want to share. Why Drake and Kendrick Lamar? I mean, why are mommy and daddy fighting?

I don't know where you're going with this.

Why are they?

I believe the kids call it beefing. I know. It is beefing. I know. I'm single. I'm into all this no cap. I don't know anything about that world. I I don't know. I don't fucking know.

Has 60 Minutes done you yet? No. See, it never stops that whole thing about, Why am I not... Somebody passed me. They got 60 Minutes.

No, I like where I am in this business. I like that I just do what I do, and whoever likes it, likes it, and whoever doesn't moves on to something else.

I don't have like that. I bet you 60 Minutes does you within the next two I'll take that bet. All right. Well, I had a ball.

I had a great time.

I hope so because-You're my favorite smarmy person in this business. You're my favorite whatever the fuck you were. Meadhead?

Meadhead? All right. What a dunk.

I had a fucking great time.

I know we're not-I had a great... Come on, bring me in. Oh, he goes for a side hug. The side hug. It's non-committal, even with his male friend.

Oh, my God.