Hi, my name is Andy Daley. Jesus, that's loud.

Hi, my name is Andy Daley, and I feel loud about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Wow. Incredible.

Fall is here. Hear the yell back to school ring.

The bell brand new shoes walk and loose climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna.

Be friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends hey, there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend. Joined by my chums with a z. Sonam of Zesyan. Hey, Sona, how are you?

Wazzup?

Wazzap.

It's two zs.

Zonam of Zesya.

Zonam of Zizian. And Matt. There's nowhere to put a z in your name. Okay, I guess, but you have to. Okay, that's fine.

Yeah.

Okay.

I quit.

Please don't go. We allure them back with gold. Gold. How's everybody doing? Okay. Okay. Great energy. Great show business energy. What terrific energy to start the show. Usually we babble a bit here at the top of the show, and we have fun. It's a good time. But we can't do as much of that today because we have a treat coming at the end of the podcast.

It is a true treat.

It is a true treat. And really, I'm looking forward to it. It's something we just already recorded, but it takes a while, so I'm gonna keep things kind of brisk up top. Do you know what I'm saying?

Keep it moving along.

Keep it moving along.

Keep it zipping with a z. Oh, man, I quit again.

I quit again.

I quit again.

The birds that have an s now have a z. That's the whole thing.

That's not Zru.

All right. My God. I'm trapped in some sort of strange hell. It's not a terrible hell, but it's not a good one either.

Would this be your hell? Doing an intro forever?

Doing a plan for eternity? It would be my hell. And switching out s's with Z's and then giggling about it? Yeah, that would be my hell. Anyone have some zoo?

Hey, that's not bad.

Oh, I have some chips, but I wrote me zalza blam. Yeah, this sat for eternity. And Hitler's getting raped in the next room for all eternity. And Hitler's like, I like it better over here. The whole S's and Z's thing.

He can hear us.

Oh, yeah. And he feels bad for us. He's getting raped repeatedly for all time. And he hears us changing S's into Z's and giggling and he's like, I sure hate to be. I wonder what they did on earth. It must have really been bad. Look.

Did I.

It got dark. It got real dark. How do you mean it got real dark? Oh, God, Mandy. Well, I don't know. He's in the next cave. There are different caves.

You know what?

They built hell quickly. And, you know, sometimes the devil's around going, you know, the sound leaks.

They don't have insulation between the rooms.

Yeah. And Hitler's like, you know, we're trying to torture Hitler over here, and it's. And Ted Bundy can hear right through the wall. You know, we're shooting hot lava down Ted Bundy's mouth, but he's getting distracted. Cause he hears Hitler getting raped. The contractor walking the devil through hell. Hey, hey, hey. You know, we had to work quickly. You threw this thing together. Heaven. They really put a lot of work into it. That's quality work. But no, no. Satan needed a lot of room fast, so this is what you get. The devil's just putting up with this. All right, all right. Enough. Horrid. Enough. Damn it. I asked you, do you want it done fast or do you want it done right? You said, I need it now. We have to talk about our guest today because we gotta get moving. There's so much podcast today. And stick around for the end. Cause, man, do I laugh like a. I laugh so hard. It's so funny. My guest today is an actor and comedian. He's one of my favorite comedy people. He's a jewel. He starred in the Comedy Central series revue, and he appears as Dalton Wilcox in the hilarious podcast Bananas.

It's. Isn't it? Bananas for Bonanza.

This podcast is called Bonannas.

Bonannas for Bonanza. Well, I should have fixed that for you guys a while ago. Anyway, he's also appeared many times on my late night shows, and he's made cameos in just about every funny tv show I can imagine in the last 1015 years. I'm thrilled he's here today. He's a good friend of ours. Andy Daley. Welcome. Andy Daly, one of the funniest people I've encountered in my years. I'm like Johnny Appleseed. I don't plant apples, but I really.

That way. You're not at all like Johnny.

No, I'm trying now in the second half of my speech to figure out how I'm like Johnny Appleseed. I have wandered this country looking for funny people. You, sir, are one of the funniest, and I will. Wait a minute. Let me put on my glasses and see whom I'm talking to.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. It's that. I thought it was the other Andy Dick. You thought it was Andy Dick? Yeah, exactly.

Did Johnny Applesee wander the country looking for apples?

No, not looking for apples. He planted apples. So I just. I started out with this whole wandering the country thing, which I haven't even done that either, but let's just say, take the compliment.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Thank you. You're a very funny fellow, and I. You are. You're ubiquitous. I mean, first of all, I first met you. You came on the late night show countless times and did all kinds of hilarious bits.

It could be counted.

It could be counted.

I wish I could count the number of times I was on.

It's 15, something like that.

No, I don't know.

No, you were on as a guest, of course. But you did so many funny bits over the years. And I thought, God, this guy is very. He's just money in the bank. He's always funny. Then I remember coming across your monologs that had me crying. When I say monologs, I don't mean you were up there telling jokes, but you get up as a character. I forget who made me this tape. It might have been tape, wasn't it? Tape. Someone gave me a wax cylinder, and it might have been Andy Richter. And I listened to them. I was driving around in my car, and I was listening to you, and they were so funny. Dark, some of them. Quite dark.

Very dark.

Yeah. There's one that you did where you played. You're a guy who's part of an up with people group, and you show up to the audience late. And then you're supposed to be a motivational speaker who's up with people. And then you tell. Explain why you're late. Do you know where this is going? And he tells the most horrible story of his family being run off the road by bikers, assaulted. You get away with your. Barely. With your life. You don't even know what's happened to your family. And you get there and you explain all this in great detail, and then you go, well, anyway, let's get into it.

Yeah. He's like a sing along with Mitch guy. He's there to lead sing alongs, good old fashioned sing alongs. And then after all that, just kind of.

So let's do a sing along and.

Leads the audience to take me out.

To the ballpark after we've heard the worst song story. I mean, the darkest story. So you're just a very funny. You've got an amazing comic mind, and you're also a very nice fellow. And then you're one of those guys who, I'm sure you get this all the time, where people go, wait a minute. I know you because you've been in everything. You've been in veep, you've been in Silicon Valley. You've been. I mean, it's eastbound and down.

Yeah, I just had this yesterday that somebody was like, hey, I know you. Where do I know you from? And I was like, I don't know, but I am an actor. It might be, oh, he's like, oh, it might be that. But where do I. I was like, it's difficult. I can't say the one thing, unfortunately. Then you're gonna go, oh, that's where I know you from. Like, it could be east Babin down, or it could be Silicon Valley.

Like, or one of 75 other things.

Yeah, yeah. So I had to tell him, just, buddy, IMDb me. Yeah, look me up on I.

Here's my little card you hand out. It says, I am dbb. You came on our show once, the late night show a bunch of years ago, and you played this. Was it a game show host?

Oh, I love that. I forget what that character's name was, but the premise was that he was, like, on the wb lot, was locked in a crate, and he was a game show host from, like, the eighties or whatever, and he had hosted a bunch of different game shows and just had all these catchphrases and things rattling around in his mind.

And he had, I think he had had some kind of cerebral event, something like that.

He was also covered in dust, which was the funny.

And so it was really funny because the conceit was, we found this crate, we didn't know, and it was in, like, a storage section of the Warner brothers lot where we were doing our show at the time. And we popped it open, and you come right out with one of those long, thin microphones, right? And you're like, all right, our next contestant, and you're covered in dust.

Gene Rayburn special read Newport.

Reed Newport.

I wish I could remember the, you know, it was like, who's ready for.

A bing bong singer?

You know, just all these kind of things. Like, oh, of the variety of big bucks, no, whammies. Like, but not that.

Yeah. And then we end up putting you back into the box where you were sealed up. And it's one of those, I love those conceits where I think well, that guy can be. That box can be unopened at any time. I love to just dream that. What's his name again? Reid? Reed Newport. Reed Newport. What a great name for us. So this is an opportunity for me to find out what's wrong with you. Oh, that's basically where I want to begin. Take us back to Andy Daley. As a child, I don't see you tossing the old football around.

What do you mean by football?

Were you. What was. I mean, I'm guessing. You seem to me like you're maybe someone who had the sponge period where you're just absorbing.

Oh, yeah.

Are you listening? Watching tv. Is it tv? Are you a tv fanatic?

Yes. The tv was always on in my house. I can remember my father making the argument to my mother, and he had the numbers for how much electricity the tv uses as opposed to the dining room lights. Like, we're not using any electricity by having the tv on all the time. Like, that was his argument. He just liked to have the tv on all the time.

I thought you were going to say you've been watching too much tv. So his argument was that you shouldn't be watching tv. But this was Pro tv.

He had thought it through. Like, why it made sense to always have the tv on.

What a time to be alive. I never got that.

No. No. I didn't know either. My father prohibited tv during. If there was school the next day, no tv could be watched during the day. So we, of course, were like, well, that shit's not happening. So my brothers and I would watch tv, and then we would hear my dad's station wagon, which was a 1970 Pontiac yellow pull up. And because of some defect in the car, it made a weird whistling sound. And we'd hear the. And we'd be like, no. And we'd turn off the tv, and everyone would grab a book, and usually it was upside down. And my dad would come into the house, and the first thing he'd do is he'd rush to the tv and put his hand on the screen, of course. And if it was slightly warm or if he got a little static shock, he was like. And we would all go scampering around with our upside down books.

So you don't grab a book, grab the ice tray, and just apply ice all around the tv. It's gotta be a way to cool it off.

So, anyway, I love that your dad was pro tv.

Super pro tv. Yeah. I used to watch. We used to watch Avon Costello movies every Sunday, and I would watch it Sesame street, which is hilarious. Burton and your hilarious. And Grover and yes, I think I did watch things as a student of comedy. The way that I see my twelve year old watches things as a student of comedy, too. Just kind of like figuring out why is that funny? And what if I do that to my brother?

And also, there's so much great comedy timing you can learn from, like you say, sesame streets, Muppets. The timing is really good. For me. It was Warner Brothers cartoons. Yeah, I watched Mom and just figuring out the timing and different voices.

And it is crazy that in the seventies, when you would watch an hour of Looney Tunes cartoons, so many of them were about war bonds.

They were all made in the forties. And inside jokes were a guy who, I don't know, looks like Eddie Kantor would come in and you'd be like, what's an Eddie Cantor?

Or the chicken that looked like Bing Crosby? You needed an adult nearby to go. Let me explain.

But I, too, was. I was watching a lot of those and they were made in the forties. And then I go to my parents and go, so we gotta stop Hitler, huh, son? We took care of that.

Oh, all right, great.

Did he apologize? No, no, he shot himself.

Oh.

Why are we talking about this?

I'm seven.

But no, it's so funny. You can. Clearly, you absorbed all this stuff and just. Where were you growing up, by the way? New Jersey. Okay, let's not brag.

No, no, no. I mean, it's one of the most populous states in the nation, as a matter of fact, Conan, really, that's all I can say to Bragg about New Jersey.

But it's so small.

How could it be by volume?

You know what I mean?

For how big it is. There's a lot of people in there. It's got more people per square mile than any other state. It's a crowded state. It's a densely populated state. Yeah.

People have to step outside to change your mind. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I don't know. I guess I'm a way to.

90% of it is pine barrens, which nobody lives in.

Yeah.

So how's that possible? Because there's bodies in there.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

It's the bodies in the pine barrens.

That's something you don't mention a lot in the New Jersey tourist bureau.

What's that? All the bodies in the pine barrens.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. It doesn't come up.

Coming to the pine barrens, you won't not find a body. Wait, what? You described, I think, once that as a kid, you saw a production of Peter Pan that kind of changed your life, because there was a moment in the production of Peter Pan that sort of grabbed you. Tell me about that.

This was the Peter Pan with Sandy Duncan in the seventies. It was on Broadway, and she would fly out over the audience. And Captain Hook was played by James Hewitt, who was Mister Belvedere. You might remember Christopher Hewitt. Chris.

Yeah.

Thank you. How does he know everything?

Well, trust me, all he does is go home with his flashcards. And it's true. Yeah. It's like WKRP court and jump.

Can I just say that when that came up right now, every alarm in my head went off and said, don't do this.

Don't do it. It doesn't matter.

It's close enough. I know, but he had his.

Captain Hook and Smee had a scene in front of the curtain. There must have been a scene change going on. And they're talking, and he just says.

I'm going to get that pita pan.

And a boy in the audience said, no, you're not. And he said, oh, yes, I will. And the place just went nuts. And that's like the.

It was improv.

Yes, exactly. But it's just one thing. It's like such a minor example of improv, but it just was so electrifying, so exciting. He went off script and he responded to a child. So, yeah, that's the only thing about the show I really remember.

You're editing the rest of it, where he goes like, oh, yes, I will. And the kid goes, fuck you.

Fuck me? Fuck you.

You can't say, fuck me. I'm a little boy with one leg.

One leg.

Hey.

Well, you'll have no leg soon, you little fucking piece of shit.

Tonight, ask me.

Hold me back. Tonight's production of Peter Pan.

Fuck you with a steel hook.

Tonight's production of Peter Pan will be cut short. Your tickets will be refunded in the audience. Oh, no, they fucking won't.

This is gold.

Soon I'll be Mister Belvedere and you can all suck my dick. Jesus Christ.

I'm replacing Harvey villages on Fantasy island, you dick ones.

The little kid's like, I just want to go home. This is awful. I could definitely see how that would be a moment where you would see it and go, what is this? That's so cool. I remember I'm an older gentleman than you, and when I graduated college in 85, I desperately wanted to do improv. And the only place I thought you could do improv in the United States, was in Chicago.

Yeah. Second city or improv Olympic.

All I knew about was second city. So I wrote a letter to Second City. I did that, too. And it was like, dear sirs, you know, or madam, you know, it was just like, I wish to do this improv, you know? My name is Conan O'Brien. I just completed my comedic studies at the Lampoon, and I think I'm now, and I've done some performing. I would like to join you. And of course, that's not how you do it. Apparently not. I just got a form letter back saying, go away. But also I couldn't go to Chicago because I got a gig in LA. So I went to LA and eventually found. Wouldn't. Didn't take too long, but I found improv there, which was the groundlings theater. But years later, the Upright Citizens Brigade, I guess, started in Chicago, you see, and then came to New York and all these brilliant people suddenly. And we were the benefactors. When I say we, I mean the people that worked with me on the late night show, we were the benefactors because all these incredible performers showed up who had amazing chops. And I actually kind of preferred their style of improv.

I thought it was really pure and great. And I know that you were a part of that whole situation.

My letter to Second City was so embarrassing because I had just graduated from college and I had read in Wired the book about John Belushi, that he did an impression of Mayor Daley that was so popular that the audience would chant daily, daily. And so I made some mention in my letter to perhaps one day the audience will be chanting that again.

That's sweet.

And so you immediately got a job based on that quip.

But I did get my form letter, said, well, we have our annual audition coming up. You come up here. And I somehow interpreted that as like. Like a personal invitation to come up and audition. All the indications were there that it was not. But I did. I scheduled an audition and I had no idea what was like. People, everybody else auditioning had been through the classes and had auditioned before and was steeped in this world. And I just showed up like, I'm here to get a job.

Yeah.

Did not go well.

You had a suitcase with lots of stickers. St. Louis.

Yeah, exactly. But no, they suggested that I should take classes, but I was. I was living in New York and I stayed in New York. And then, yeah, it felt like Chicago. Chicago came to me in 1996.

UCB showed up and what an amazing group of people. And we were fortunate. I've mentioned this before, but Amy Poehler was with UCB. And so we cast her as Andy's little sister, who had a crush on me. And she has, like, a big retainer headgear.

I was in a bit of one of those bits as her boyfriend.

That's right. So tell me how that worked. Because her thing was always that she was pining for me. And she would stand up, interrupt the show, and then I and Andy would always have to break it to her that, you know, this isn't appropriate or something. And she would suddenly turn and, God, I mean, I remember Amy Poehler could take. We at thought, gave her good scripts, and she could take whatever we gave her. Let's say we gave her a solid b or b script. She would turn it into an a, but she would turn, and she would summon the devils from the deepest bowels of hell to rain down upon us.

Well, the amazing thing about those bits, too, is when you do a Conan bit. In those days, if you were on the stage, you could have cue cards. But if you were an audience plant, there weren't cue cards. Cause they didn't want the studio audience to get ahead and read with you. So you had to memorize it, which is unreasonable. But. So Amy had those speeches memorized, completely memorized and committed to them, like, 110%. And that was very, like, instructive and inspiring to me to watch that because I had, comparatively very little to say but the incredible things that she was doing. But. So that bit was like she brought along her boyfriend to try to make you jealous, basically.

Yes, that's right.

And then when it didn't work, she just, you know, throws me under the bus completely. It goes into her angry tirade.

So we also benefited by having you. And then you, I think you did on my last late night show, which is three years ago today. I don't know when this airs, really. Actually, this is never going to air. Oh, wow. No, no, this is just. You got a very bad diagnosis to jeremy up.

This is like a make a wish thing.

Yeah. And even you're not aware that you're ill, but that would be a better.

Way to do it.

Yeah. No, your wife just asked, you know. So anyway, you came on and you did something, I think, on the last show.

Yeah.

And I remember just stopping you. I wouldn't let you leave. I was like, ladies and gentlemen, this guy, Andy Daley, is the funniest person walking the earth. And.

Yes, and I was as uncomfortable then as I am now.

I don't really mean it. Can I say it to?

That's helpful.

Yeah, I say that to everyone. Okay, we just had JLo here. I said, you're the funniest person to ever walk the earth. She just glared at me angrily. So you do improv, and somewhere along the line you got this conviction. Because when I listen to your monologs and you tell these stories, you did another one as a leprechaun? Did you want as a leprechaun?

Well, it's an irish storyteller.

He tells stories about leprechauns.

He tells stories about leprechauns and, God, it's so dark. But you just go into it with such full commitment, and you never wink, you never break. And it's just a testament to your just conviction that this is what I'm doing, and it is 100% right. And anyone who disagrees can leave, which is. I don't know. I love that. I think that's the way you have to go.

Yeah. I always felt annoyed when the host of the show, after I left, would go, Andy Daley, ladies and gentlemen. I was like, no, leave the thinking. It's patio herlihy.

So whatever. What was the gag with Patio Herlihy? Because I remember it was really funny. He's an. He's an irish storyteller who talks about leprechauns. Yes, but he gets sidetracked, doesn't he?

I've changed it, but I think the one on the album is that he's. He's won a Blarney contest. So this is like, whoever can tell.

The most fantastical stories about leprechauns and harpies and whatever, wins the Blarney contest.

And he's a wonderful storyteller. And so he tells the audience what his story.

Something like, I showed up for Christmas lunch and I was full and I couldn't eat a bite. And somebody said, patty, why are you showing up for Christmas lunch and you can't eat a bite? And I told it.

And then he weaves a whole story about leprechauns or whatever, and then he says, now.

But what really happened was.

And then he tells what really happened, which is like, well, there was. I'm a landlord, and this.

This woman didn't pay her rent for the longest time.

And I says to her, you gotta.

Pay that fucking rent. And she says, no, I don't have it. I don't have it. And I says, well, you know what I'll do then?

Gonna kill your cat and put it in a stew. And eat that right in front of you.

And that's what I did. I ate her cat.

And then I remember him going like. He does a transitional thing where he goes like. So I don't know what it is. Like the equivalent of. So anyway, I forget what it was, but it was really funny. Yeah. Like a wheel, right? Every story begins well, it seems one day.

Yeah, something like that.

Really hilarious. How do people get, though? How can you hear all those monologs? Are they available?

Well, they're all collected on an album called nine Sweaters. And that, I think is on your streaming things. Like you can, you can find it on your Spotify.

You can find it if you really want to laugh. These are such great monologs. They're so funny. Nine sweaters. Yeah. Find that. I'm gonna re listen to it. Cause I'm always, I think about them every now and then I realize that I got it. No, I don't have it. Right. I have to listen to them again. And that's it.

Goodbye. I'd like you to memorize them.

I'm gonna memorize them. You guys had to memorize stuff for me all those years.

Yeah, exactly.

I had cue cards.

Yeah, right. You never ventured into the audience.

Those awful people. I'm not gonna go in there. Every now and then people would say, conor, why don't you drift into the audience and talk to them?

The filthy weirdos who come to this.

Show, who would come to this show if they didn't have to? They're just here for free sandwiches. I suppose. So. I know you guys work together. You and Mister Matt Gorley worked together on many projects. You guys do a, what is it, bananas for Bonanza.

That's right.

Yeah. Which is basically. And you get to play a character you played on my show several times, Dalton Wilcox, who's kind of a poet of the west.

Yeah. Well, he's the poet laureate of the west, as a matter of fact, the cowboy poet and his big fan of Bonanza. And. Yeah, it's a rewatch. It's like a rewatch show of Bonanza.

Yeah.

Except that I, Andy Daley, have no particular interest in Bonanza.

Right.

But the character of Dalton Wilcox really does. So I'm in this bizarre position in life where now I do a podcast about Bonanza because a character I play would. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So now we are watching every episode, you guys, there are 431 episodes of bananas.

There's only 431, unfortunately.

I know, it's too bad. And we've only got 300 some left.

Ah, yeah, we're up. We're about to do number 61. So we're racing through them dark days.

So a couple of questions. Has Adam left the show yet?

No.

Roberts. He's still in the show.

He's still. He doesn't leave till after season five.

We did skip ahead to one episode where Haas has a run in with a bunch of leprechauns.

That's true. We did.

You know, it's so funny. I know a lot about the show Bonanza, because my brother Neil, who is a tv aficionado, especially fifties, sixties, and early seventies, his go to is Bonanza. He's watched them all. Wow. He's watched many of them several times. And as a result, because, you know, he's my brother. I love my brother. I go hang with him, and I end up watching Bonanza, too. The tone shift on that show from episode to episode is insane.

We have a theory about that, that for a long time, they were just collecting unaired pilots and tailoring them to Bonanza, because often a lot of the characters aren't even in it. They'll just be two brothers and a father.

Well, you know, it's so funny, though, is like, you watch an episode, and it's really dark. It's like, you know, an old confederate general who won't accept that the civil war is over comes to town, and he. He captures little Joe and whips him and keeps him in a cave and is going to kill him. And the other family members get him out just in time. And it's harrowing, and they end up beating the guy to death who has tried to whip little Joe, and it ends, and you're like, oh, my God, that was rough. And then my brother Neil would say, let's watch the next one. And I'd be like, all right. And it's like, little Joe and Haasden, they buy a donkey. They buy a donkey because they think the donkey has, you know, can race and can be in a race. And their dad's like, you bought a donkey. And there's comics things like, oh, the.

Music throughout one of those comic collections.

And then they'll cut to the donkey, and womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. And it's all very silly. And you're like, oh, my God. Okay. And then you watch the next one. Adam's been kidnapped. They're cutting him with knives and sending pieces of him to the bonanza family and telling them you're not gonna see him again. And it's just like, in the end, they find the guy who's cutting off pieces of Adam, and they beat him to death. And then the next episode. Then the next episode. Paul, what did you. What have you. What have you two idiots done now? Paul, we bought an ostrich that can read minds.

Cuck.

Cuckoo, cuckoo. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. I gotta be on this podcast.

Oh, you should. You absolutely must.

I definitely want to be on it. Obsessed with Bonanza.

Strangely enough, Robert Altman directed eight or nine episodes of Bonanza. And so Pat Noswell has been our guest for every one of those choice. I'd like to come on and discuss every Robert Altman directed episode of Bonanza.

Tell them about our quest to buy a bonanza steakhouse.

Oh, yeah. Well, so there are no bonanza or Ponderosa steakhouses anymore? No, but there are none west of, like, missouri or something like that. There's only a few in the northeast.

Of internationally, strangely, like, in Dubai or something.

And what's really weird, what's really weird is there are four on Staten island, and it's each corner of an intersection.

They had a hard time in Covid, to be fair, because it's mostly salad bar, and nobody was in the mood for that. Sneeze guard didn't seem like enough, and mostly old people. But. So we decided we were gonna try to open one. And we called the guy at fat Brands, which is like the fast food consortium that owns both of those brands. And, yeah, we were completely rejected. Well, we called him in character, did.

Call him a character, and we had.

Okay, I sense a problem here. You called in, so do the phone call.

Hello, is this fellow from fat Brands? My name is Dalton Wilcox.

Who?

But Dalton Wilcox. I'm the poet laureate of the west, and I'm a true american cowboy.

Okay, I don't want to do this, sir.

Well, hang on just a second. Before you hang up, I just want to talk to you about opening the Ponderosa bonanza steakhouse. We got an abandoned pier one import, and we're in there anyway. Most days.

I would keep the bead curtains. I love that. I love that he didn't fall for.

It for 1 second. It is true. Right from the very beginning of the call, he was like, well, you're clearly media, and let me refer you to our media person.

He said, you're clearly doing an improv based character. My guess is you've had second city, but I'm going to say UCB training. This is probably for an audio medium, probably a podcast. You also probably work as an actor on the side. Yeah, I'm not interested.

We also. I think we stupidly asked him if he would consent to being recorded or something like. Yeah, so, right from that point, it was like, no, but we did use.

The transcript and had a voice reenactor replay it on the podcast so you can listen on the Patreon, I believe, right?

Yes, but that implies that we did record him even after he said no.

No, we did not do.

We did.

Legally.

Memory did it by memory.

Good save, says the lawyer. You have a dream to open up a business called not a problem.

I'm so glad you mentioned this.

Thank you. And it's Knott. A problem. Not a problem. Tell us about this store.

So, one thing I really enjoy doing around the house is untangling things. Headphones, marionette strings.

Which do you have more of, headphones or marionettes?

Mostly marionettes. When you're working your marionette and you're using. Using your headphones at the same time.

Oh, boy.

It's a fucking mess. Forget it.

And if the marionette has headphones, they don't even get me started.

Yeah. Sometimes members of my family will wash clothes, and they won't realize that they've got multiple pairs of headphones and marionettes in their pockets. And so when that comes out of the dryer, that's my day to keep you on track.

The business you want to open is called, oh, I'm fully on track.

Not a problem.

I'm a tangible.

You know what I'm doing right now? I'm untangling this conversation.

I've not left the topic all. So, yes, I would like to open a store where people bring in their difficult to untangle things. And I will just. I'll just sit there, and I'll. I'll untangle it for them while they wait. I'll do it while you wait. And it's a pay what you think is right kind of situation.

What are we bringing this year? Nothing. Wow. I mean. Okay, well, good for you.

I think my busy season will be Christmas time. People bring out the lights, you know, the Christmas tree lights. That's gonna be a huge.

Are you. Is this something you really are good at?

I think I am good at.

Yes, I am.

I'm good at detangling things. Yeah.

Like jewelry. Jewelry's a tough.

I'm not sure about jewelry.

Okay.

I have tried that, and the result is broken jewelry, but maybe you would just make.

My wife sometimes has, like, tangled jewelry, and I say, I'll do it, and I take it to the garage, and I use a wire cutter to cut it all apart. And then I crudely tape it back together. And when she's the least bit upset, I say, you asked for my help. I did it. This is the fucking thanks I get. And then I drink. Yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of works as long as.

Yeah. So I might put up an advisory, like a sign that says, I'm happy to try your jewelry. The result will be broken jewelry and I'll be drunk. Something like that. And angry at you.

Now, does your mind ever quiet down? I'm trying to think of Andy Daly at night, trying to go to sleep. Are there characters bouncing around in your head? Are you able to quiet that mind of yours?

Yeah, I do get to sleep eventually. Most nights. Yeah. I listen to something boring, like this pocket.

Okay, that's just fern that says sick, burnt. That's a terrible thing to say.

No, I have no lift. Teasing.

No, no, no. That came from the heart.

The BBC World news is what I listen to to get to sleep. I have to hear. I have those in that. And then I. I absorb bad news from around the world sometimes, but they.

Say it in that clipped british way. That's very calming.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, a heat dome across the globe destroying all humankind.

Armageddon.

Good.

Good night.

Good night.

And they leave you with a light story usually.

Oh, do they?

About a chimney sweep that got rescued. It's been stuck there for eleven years.

More gobstoppers found at the tube.

The balloons of a chimney sweep were found.

Another unfortunate accident at the Willy Wonka factory.

You know, Augustus Gloop tells his story exclusively.

Has anyone ever done a thing where Osha visits the Willy Wonka factory? I always felt like that would be. It just seems to me like that. I mean, I don't know if someone's done that sketch, but just Osha walking around going, this chocolate river.

I know that'll.

There's no fencing.

Yeah.

There's no barricades.

Well, the idea that, like, the chocolate river is perfectly sanitary unless someone falls into it. That's not. That can't be. No, it's an open air chocolate river.

Right. And also when a kid falls in it, they panic and wet themselves.

Right.

That goes into the chocolate. Well, they do.

And who knows what the Oompa Loompa are doing in that thing after hours.

Oh, yeah, good point. What, they live there?

Well, there's a lot of them. They clearly like.

Yeah, orgies.

Well, I'm just saying it's possible, you know, there's a lot of sugar around, which is.

Don't be a greedy little boy. And go to the chocolate fountain. It would have been fine if he wasn't.

But here's the thing. Look at what. Look at. I'm talking about the gene Wilder movie. I haven't seen the Johnny Depp one, but go look at. And I know there's another one, too.

Oh, yeah.

Timothy shallow.

Timothy Chalameta. I just. My reference is the gene Wilder. And just look bridges with. There's all kinds of hazards left and right. You go into rooms, there's gobstoppers on tables, and kids are swallowing things. It's a lawsuit left and right.

I mean, that's experimental candy.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

They also atomize people. And you know when that happens, though.

Okay, we do that here. We've had several kids atomized here. You know, disappear.

Child in your pocket. Tv time.

Christopher Hewitt, he gets really small. Tv talk. Tv talk.

I read an early draft of the. Of the book.

We're just talking about a lot of nothing here. But I also think we're laughing, we're enjoying, and we're communicating. Isn't that what it's all about? You keep folding your arms. Why? Hostile? Yeah.

I want you to be intimidated.

I was going to fight you, and now I'm not.

See that? It worked. How would you like me to sit? What's.

This?

Has been her.

I like it when someone is open. Like open heart.

Okay.

How long have you and Matt Gorley been working together?

We started doing a podcast together in 2014. That was.

The podcast came on super ego. That would have been like 2011.

Uh huh.

So, yeah, that's when I first met you.

So however many years that is between.

Then and now, could be so intimidated by math. 2014. Whatever that could be, I guess we'll never know. Well, I don't know. It's 2024 now, so I think it's a pretty round number.

Look.

Well, good luck to you.

Never been done.

Here's some paper.

There's not a man alive who could calculate the distance between 2014 and 2020, 2024.

Many have tried and gone mad.

Gone quite insane.

Wasn't there some puzzle at, like, CIA headquarters or something like that, that you would sit and you would try to solve this puzzle, and then it turned out to have been printed wrong? There was no solution, really. I believe so.

Because Dan Brown wrote a book about that after the Da Vinci code.

Yeah.

All right. All of my information is from Dan Brown Books.

So you're not widely read, but you're very deeply read.

You're narrowly read.

If Dan Brown wrote it, you know, all about it.

I know all about it. Yes, Opus Dei. You know what that is?

Oh, oh, because I'm Catholic.

Exactly.

Well, how were you raised? In what? Religious.

Yes.

Same.

Catholic.

Were you raised Catholic?

Yeah, but we were allowed to stop after first communion.

Allowed to stop.

What age are you?

And you can stop now?

Eight.

When you're eight.

And so right then you said, I'm out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They were like, you can keep going to the confirmation thing, which is like Athenae that .6 years away, or you can stop. And I said, well, that stopping sounds great. Let me stop being a Catholic.

Have you been tempted by another religion?

No, not at all.

Oh, come on.

You want to sell me on one?

Yeah, sure. I think you'd be a Buddhist.

Oh, okay. Yeah. What does that entail?

Just you're very calm.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. Centered. Rub your belly a lot.

That's not it.

No, it's not.

It's no belly. You don't rub your.

Rub the Buddha's belly.

You rub the. I think, well, you don't know anything about Buddhism.

When I see people with a big belly, I always just reach over and.

Rub it for good luck.

That's gonna be the next me, too. Cause I. You know, it's gonna be that I. If I see someone with a big, big old belly. I'm talking about a fella. A fella with a big old belly. I always lean over, and I give it a little rub, and I go, I'm just gonna give you a. You got a big old belly. I'm gonna give a little rub. Little rub a dub dub.

Love it, right?

No, they always get very angry, and I say, hey, chubbs, can I take it down or not? I don't know why they get so mad. Strange.

Not a good idea.

It's a bad idea.

Yeah.

There's probably some questions you want to ask me. I'm one of your heroes.

I don't recall him saying that.

What?

I don't recall him saying that.

I didn't get that impression at all.

You know, I was really bummed out because I was looking at your comedy heroes here. Oh, John Belushi, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Martin. Short period. What?

No, there's so many more than that. Conan O'Brien, for instance.

Yeah.

Would be on there.

Fucked up big time.

Yeah. Shouldn't have been a period there.

You were watching me as a child when I was on in the fifties and sixties.

Sure, I was. Yes, yes. No, no, no.

How old would you have been in 1993? When I come on the scene 22 years old.

Yes. I can well remember sitting around with friends and watching your show. We were that excited about a new host at 1235 and gathered around to watch it.

Did you say to yourself, I'm going to one day be his good friend?

I didn't. I would never, would have dreamed of it. No. But I do remember watching that first show with John Goodman and Felix, you know. No.

Tony Randall.

Tony Randall. And saying, this show cannot be this good a second time. I really was like, it can't be.

We had really sarcastic. No, no. I'm so sexy.

That is so above and beyond what a late night comedy talk show wants to try to be unsustainable.

We were swinging for the fences on the first one and actually the first couple. And then we started to get really. We started to realize, oh, wait, we have to do thousands of these. I know, but you can't have, like, a.

But the idea of doing scripted sketches, scripted bits in the context of, like, people weren't really doing that quite. To have somebody come in like John Glaser and all those hilarious people.

One of them was your roommate, Andy Blitz.

Yeah, Andy Blitz.

Andy Blitz used to be the chanting guy in the audience. He had a couple of characters, and.

I don't think he was there from the very beginning.

He was not there from the beginning.

Yeah. Andy Blitz and I went to high school together and have been friends ever since. We did comedy together in high school. And then he wrote for you for many years.

Many, many years. And he hasn't changed at all. Every time I see Andy Blitz, he hasn't changed. The way he dresses. He still dresses like a 22 year old comedy writer. Even though by my calculations now he's 81 again.

That math, it's just about impossible. Can't be done.

Math is a Bermuda triangle. They'll never figure out how to add or subtract. Really?

No way. Yeah, but I watched your show every single night until I was on it. And then I saw, like, oh, once you get this close to it, it's not that great.

Yeah. Also, you met the true monster. You saw Conan O'Brien, the real Conan O'Brien, as a listen daily. You're gonna come through today. Are you a dead man?

See, no, it's strange. I'm sure you've had this. It's like a show that you've seen on television so many times, and then you're actually, actually in it. You're there. It's really, really weird. It's bizarre. Like, the space doesn't seem at all like it seems on television. Yeah.

That's kind of the magic of that studio, which I inherited from David Letterman. He did his show from, say, 82 to 93 there, and we did ours, 93 to 2009. And it's a small studio. It really is. It was meant to be a little radio studio. And when Robert Smigel and I first saw it, we thought, well, no, this isn't big enough. It's got to be bigger. And we've got to figure out ways, because we. And then you realize, no, everything you need to do must be done in this space and you and limitations. It's what I always go back to. Limitations are your friend. Any kind of limit? People that think, no, no. Bigga, bigga. It's got, you know, we need an opera house. No, you don't.

Yeah.

Need the space that you were assigned. And if it feels like it's too small, you know, you'll. You'll figure it out.

Yeah. The weird thing is that when you cut from one camera to the other camera, the distance between those two things you're seeing could be anything to the viewer.

You know what I mean? Right.

They don't know how far away the stage is from the desk. Turns out they're not far at all.

So you're saying people that watch tv are stupid? Is that what you're saying?

So dumb.

Wow, you're a very judgmental guy.

Absolutely propelled by hatred.

What are you working on these. What are you working on these days? What's, you know, podcasting.

We're doing. We're putting out a podcast every week, and I have no assistance whatsoever with all the minutiae of it.

Yeah, this guy does it all. I do it runs the whole Patreon, everything.

And I love it. He does a little search for all.

The actors on every episode, and he comes with all these notes. That's amazing.

Yes. I do it.

Every piece of it.

I want to come on the podcast because I think you'll be disturbed by how much I know about Bonanza.

I'm already a little.

And you'll be concerned.

It's frankly disappointing.

You'll be concerned. It's not my doing. It's my brother Neil, who, to this day, Will, whenever he's watching Bonanza, will take a picture of the screen and send it to my phone. And instead of him saying, oh, yeah, I'm here. I'm here with dad, he's doing well. Well, it's. No, it's a picture of Bruce Dern.

Oh, yeah.

You know, yelling at one of the.

Cartwrights people pop up on episodes of Bonanza. It's wild.

Sounds like we should have your brother on.

I know you should. I was thinking the same thing.

Maybe we could get Neil to do it. That would be fantastic. But the other thing that's everyone's. I mean, noticed this before, but whenever on Bonanza, whenever one of the three sons takes a fancy to a woman and they're going to get married, you know that she will be dead in 40 minutes because it's like Gilligan's island. You can't leave the island is the premise of the show. And the other premise is none of these guys can successfully get married.

If there's a woman in the show.

That'S the first if there's a woman.

And then if there is, she's a dead woman.

But if there is, she's a dead woman.

It's funny how often there are episodes where it's like there wasn't even a woman in the background.

Not even a mention of.

Yeah, but the other thing, too, a recurring thing on the show is that there'll be somebody who is one of the characters best friend. Like this. This guy, I've known him forever. He's my best friend. You've never seen him before. You'll never see him again.

Never heard tell of him?

Never heard tell of him before? No.

Also, and I know we're going down a little rabbit hole here about the show Bonanza. And if you haven't watched the show Bonanza, this is a total waste of your time. But it was on for 14 years. Started in 1959, believe it or not, for the year. In 73 or 74, but anyway, we'll never be able to calculate 73.

Yeah.

My brother Neil might make an argument that they shot one that aired in 74. That might be his. He might.

They had some tv movies.

Don't talk back to me.

That's why.

And if you want to speak, you raise a closed fist and then I have to nod.

Really?

We have all kinds of codes here.

We should have told you that before.

Yeah, I don't know why we're bringing up the rules now. Yeah. If you have a question, you do this little wiggle of the.

I have no questions.

Okay, I can see that. Because you're not doing this, follower. I know that. Wait. There was some point I was gonna make about bonanza, and it was a good one.

It's okay.

No.

Goddamn it.

Remember it.

Don't you think we should just wait until I remember it, but then even not edit this? So this is just time.

We're good. Right. No, it's okay.

Yeah, we're probably good. No, we're probably good. Oh, this is the point I was gonna bring. The whole point is that they own the biggest piece of land. Right. Which state is it? Are they in? Nevada. Nevada.

Nevada territory.

But all these shows that were predicated on. And it's the same thing, I would say, with Yellowstone today. The show Yellowstone is all about how this one family owns 8 billion acres and bonanza. It's all about. They own half of Nevada.

Yeah. It takes multiple days to traverse their property.

To traverse their property. And it's. And it's a guy with three sons who occasionally date and their girlfriends get killed. That's it. And the same thing with the other show was the big valley. It was about a family, the Barclays, that had jumped. So a lot of these shows, and I say it's still happening today. Cause I've noticed it with Yellowstone. I sit there and I question the premise of owning that much land.

And in Bonanza especially. Cause the more the show goes on, the more you realize they're kind of like a mob family where they're taking from people. And they seem really nice on the surface, but over time you realize that, yeah, they just kind of usurped this.

But also people are. Every other episode is someone. And not just that western, but every other episode of Yellowstone. Every episode. So many of the episodes around these westerns, it's almost a genre of guy shows up, claims half the state is his land and builds a big fence, and then people ride through and half the episodes are people going, how come you have all this? This is too much. Get out of here. We're the Bonanza gang. Get out.

It's important to mention, too, that Ben Cartwright, the father, each son is from a different wife and they've all died. And it seems really kind of mysterious about how they died, too.

Like, maybe, yes, this man has married three wives. Yeah.

Was this a good show?

I don't think so.

There are good episodes. It's pretty inconsistent.

I will say this, it was a massive hit. It was one of the most successful shows of its era. And it was the dominant show for so many years that I once watched an episode of a sitcom that was made in the mid sixties. And as a joke, they said, hey, our show is moving to so and so. Yeah. Who are we opposite Bonanza? And all the cast members go, oh, it was the biggest thing of its day.

The Smothers brothers finally took him out of the top spot. Did you know that? I didn't yeah, it was the Smothers brothers.

Yeah. They rode into that property.

With their.

Guitar and their upright bass.

Yeah. And their hippie politics.

With their hippie politics, their anti Vietnam war stance.

Yeah.

And their niche comedy. And they kick the shit out of that family. No, but it's just funny to me that. How are you supposed to root for.

Yeah.

Should three people own half of a state? I don't think they should myself. Now, I'm not a communist, but they're reasonable.

They'll give you a couple days to ride out.

I love that we've talked this much about Bonanza. This is gonna single. This episode will single handedly take down. Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

But we have a real boost to Bonanza.

Yeah, no kidding. We have avid list listeners of our podcast, by the way, who have never watched an episode of Bonanza. Yeah, it seems like almost all of them.

Can you watch them now somehow?

They're on YouTube. I don't know why. Okay.

All of them.

Oh, no. But I also. I think you can. On television.

Yeah, there's some.

There's plenty of places that show Bonanza. Yeah. It's just always playing somewhere. It's one of those shows. It's always playing somewhere.

The show is owned by some lawyer in New Jersey. Very strange. Yeah. I don't know why, but he had. He owns the show that should have him on sometimes. Wow. It's very strange.

Well, listen, this has been our deep dive into the show Bonanza.

Yeah.

1959 to. Well, we'll say 73. I think there was Neil. We're going to get him on the phone at some point and he might be able to clarify for us. I think they aired.

No need. It really was 59 to 73.

You're not to speak until I tell you. Listen, one rule I have here is you can't contradict me if I lay out a fact. You just have to agree.

Okay.

Okay. That's hard for me.

I love nothing more than an argument.

You seem so confrontational.

Yes, that's me.

That's all I got. I love talking to you. You're a goofy, foolish man. You are an imp. Oh, you are. He is. He's just your delightful, delightful comedy sprite. I'm going to say that right now. And I'm sure you have equally.

Okay, I.

Tiny. You know what I love about you, Andy? You're just a tiny, tiny little average height.

But no, I've perfectly average height for a man. I don't think imp or sprite are appropriate. I picture small things when you say.

That you're a little comedic doll ventriloquist dummy that shrank in the wash got even smaller than most ventriloquist dummies. You bring me great joy. You always have. And thank you so much for hanging with me today.

Thank you. I really enjoyed it.

The way you hit the U was.

Try to say it more. Thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna try to say it like I mean it. Thank you.

You have to ramp into it.

Okay.

Do it. The irish guy.

Oh, thank you.

I can't sincerely thank somebody for anything. I can.

You can't thank me, can you?

I can't.

All right.

All I've done for you, I'm gonna try to.

Yes. I'm gonna try to channel some gratitude.

Okay.

Coffee was free. Trying to remember that. Thank you. That was good.

That.

All right.

That approached humanity. That was great. You're an AI person.

That took a lot out of me. I'm gonna have to lie down for it. Well done.

You're now a real boy.

Thank you. Andy Daley, you magical man. Thank you.

Thank you.

What's a nice, fun surprise? My old pal of over 75 years, Andy Richter, just wandered by and we grabbed him and pulled him into the. Into the studio. Andy, how are you?

I'm good. I was here stealing chips.

Were you in the kitchen?

No, but I do. I do, actually. I have a four year old. I steal chips and put them in the console of my car. So when I pick her, and she's now brilliant, when she. I pick her up, then I've got, you know, like some pop chips or.

Whatever to give her.

And now when I don't have them, she's pissed.

Yeah. No, you pissed. You've created the expectation. We have a nice kitchen here at the team coco.

Beautiful kitchen.

Beautiful kitchen. And Erica Brown keeps it stocked with these nice chips. I. Once a month we have to go over the books and they told me that we've been hemorrhaging. Hemorrhaging money. And we isolated it. Yep. There's been a chip law. Mostly air pops. Chips.

Come and get me. Screws.

I love that you're stealing chips now. Do you put them under your. Do you just do it openly or have you ever found yourself being kind of furniture?

Anybody walks by, I say, I'm stealing these.

And then.

I put them in the. You know, I have a. It's like I have this console and my car is such, like a mom car. Like, I have. I have a spoon and a fork. I have a sewing kit. I have band aids. I have Benadryl and, you know, I have. I have all. And gumdeene mints and just all kinds of shit.

Soccer bar now.

Yeah.

I really am. I mean, and it's like my purse, you know, it's like mom's purse, but it's the console of my car.

Well, I'm so happy you came by, because, a, we had a chip build up, so we needed to leave some of them off.

But I only take the ones that are not good.

That a four year old will be.

Like, yeah, it's better than nothing. Like, you're fucking right it is. You know, things like Zesty ranch, peacocks.

And shit like that. Yeah, there's a lot of healthy chip. I think either eat a chip or don't. But whenever they say, no, it's made of soy. It's barbecue. Soy puff puff shit.

I think sun chips are like the snack industry's biggest fuck you to America sun chips, they're just.

It's like.

Cause they can't be good for you, but they're purported. Like, they taste cardboardy and weedy enough that you're like, well, this can't be bad for me. But, no, they're probably just about as.

Bad as ladies sun chips makes me think they were made by the sun.

Exactly.

They were baked in the sun, so bugs landed on them.

Well, I'm glad you're here, Andy, because a gentleman has wandered into the studio. Yes. You know, we need better security here, and I'm told his name is August Lindt, but I don't really know anything about him. And I thought maybe you could help me find out more about this fellow. Is it August Lindt?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

You got it right on the first try.

I was guessing, because you don't.

You don't see a lot of lederhosen in this neighborhood.

Also, in this weather, it's like 90.

Yeah, but it's great because they're nice and short.

Okay, those are good.

They're a little too short.

Yeah, a little too short. Yeah.

Because I can. I can tell your religion.

Oh, stop it. That's not possible.

It's not possible.

I think you must be teasing me, but, yeah, these are shortlight hours, August.

Are you from Bavaria? Are you from Germany? Where are you from?

These are great questions. I am from Dusseldorf, Germany.

Okay. And what do you do, sir?

I work. I'm a salt inspector in the Schmeiderberg pretzel factory.

You inspect salt?

Yes. I'm the junior. I'm actually now I'm the junior and the senior salt inspector. And what I do is I look, this salt comes down a belt, and I decide, yeah, this is good enough for a price. Pretzel. This is not good enough for pretzel. This is too good for a pretzel. And that's my job. I do it all day long.

What happens to the salt that's too good for a pretzel?

That goes to, like, a sea salt, chocolate or something like that.

Oh, I see, I see.

Something really fancy like that.

Now, Andy, are you familiar with Dusseldorf? Because you have german roots.

I do. I've never been to Dusseldorf. In fact, the only time I've been to Germany at all was with you.

Yeah, we did a travel show then.

Yeah, we did a travel show in Berlin.

And then one of my favorite segments of all time is us doing these shoe plots. Speaking of later hosers, it was one of the funniest. I'm not supposed to say that, but something I'm involved in. But damn it, I'll say it.

It was one of the funniest things I ever just heard about. Now.

Now, August, let's get attention back to you, because that seems to be what you want.

Exactly. So difficult is this.

How did you get this job as the pretzel salt inspector?

Oh, well, I went. They had auditions. It's not a job interview. It was like a real high pressure audition. It was. We had. Hasselhoff was there as part of the panel. Of course.

Sure.

And.

Oh, he was one of the judges.

Yeah, there was a panel of judges. And then he was like, let's see your salt inspecting. And because the trick of it is, like, they really don't want you to judge the salt by taste because. You know what I mean? Then it's gonna go on a pretzel.

Yeah.

It should not first be in your mouth.

Right. That's unsanitary.

Exactly. So you have to show that you can look at it and judge it that way.

I don't know why you laugh there. It's not funny. It's just you describing your job. So, you know, I want to know.

Like, is your inspecting only before the pretzel is applied to the pretzel? Like, what about the salt? What about after the salt's been applied to the pretzel? Is there an inspection process after that? Because I can imagine that amount has to be very precise.

That's a whole different department. They don't let me get anywhere near the finished pretzel.

Why?

Because I'm not skilled enough.

I don't have to be honest with you, August, it sounds like maybe there was an incident.

Sometimes I will go over to the other side of the building where the finished pretzels are. They think I'm touching too many of them and not in the right, respectful way.

Okay, well, why were you over there? Wasn't it made clear to you that you're not supposed to go to where the finished pretzels are?

Maybe there's a woman there that I can't get enough of.

Oh, really? Who is that? Look, what's her name?

Her name is Gertrude.

Wait a minute. Is it Gertrude? Gertrude or Gertrude?

It's Gore.

Truth. Oh, my God.

And I can't get enough of just watching her.

Okay, so have you heard? Has she. Does she return your affections?

No, I wouldn't say that. But she has asked me in writing to stop legislators alone.

Okay, well, that's an important thing, because here in this country, and I hope globally, there's more of a movement that if women don't want your attention, they say that and you go away. Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yes.

But only sometimes I will go over and. Just to watch her.

Okay, well, that's. That's not good.

What is her job? What does she do? Like, what are you watching her do?

She takes. Okay, you can't believe it. She takes a cart full of pretzels.

Yeah.

Finished pretzels. And she wheels them from that machine over to the bagging machine. Right.

So she's just wheeling pretzels. Yeah.

All day long.

But do you, like. Is she dressed in a provocative way?

She's got. It's like a, you know, like a hazmat suit.

Yeah.

Type of thing.

Oh, well, this doesn't sound. It's.

No, but you have to see the way she wears it. Nobody wears a hazmat suit like Gordon.

Okay. Okay.

Know why they don't just have a belt.

Yeah.

The conveyor belt. That takes the pretzels.

Yeah.

Why the package?

Why would.

That's a standard thing in most facts.

Yeah. Why does Georg have to. Have to take this pretzel over to where its bag? You think there'd be a machine? Are you okay, August?

I'm fine. Yeah. No, it's nepotism.

Okay, so you think Georg's related to someone at the factory?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Her name is Gortrud Schmeiderberg. She's part of the Schmeiderberg family.

She's part of the Schmeider. I hate that. So let me just ask you something, and this is very important to me. What do you think of these american pretzels when you come to our shores and you taste our pretzels.

Yeah.

You know that you buy at a supermarket. What do you think?

I don't want to be like, what's the word? Pedantic or something like that, but there's literally no pretzels in the United States. You know what I mean? Like, those are not pretzels.

Sure they are.

What are you talking about?

That's not a pretzel.

I often, my wife will buy a bag of pretzels and we'll eat them up.

You call them that. But that's. It doesn't qualify as a pretzel because it's not made in the right way. I have toward your pretzel fan. There are no dedicated salt inspectors. There is nobody to wield the pretzels to the bagging area. They are not made to the standards of a high quality german pretzel.

Okay, I think you're. I'm sorry. I think you're being a little bit of a snob here.

A little bit. I'm trying to be 100% of a snob in favor of pretzels, man.

Hey, don't get all hippie on me.

Yeah. Wow.

What is that, man? You know, they.

Hard pretzels or soft pretzels that you guys made?

Well, they start out, Andy, soft, and then you cook them and they become hard.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's how the process works.

See, I just can't believe that there's that big of a difference between, say, like, a Snyder's Pennsylvania Dutch.

Yeah.

And then. And then a Schneider bird, whatever.

You can't believe. Does that make a of a difference?

I can't.

Yeah. I mean, a grain of salt's a grain of salt.

Oh, my God. What are you talking about?

All right, I'm sorry.

You have to consider the size, the shape, and the opacity.

And do you wear, like, a diamond?

Yeah. Here's my question. Do you use any kind of small tool, like a tweezer?

Of course. I have tweezers of various different sizes to pick up and inspect the sort. And I got one of them things that are jeweler veils, too.

A loop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't call it that in Germany.

What do you call it?

There's no word for it. We just call it that thing that a jeweler puts on its glasses.

Oh, wow. Okay.

It's a limiting language.

Yeah. Really?

We don't put a piece of salt on a pretzel unless it's, like, a 14 carat piece of salt.

You know what? I.

Clarity and carrot.

August, I don't mean to offend you, but I just always assumed that there was a machine that just spat a whole bunch of salt onto pretzel.

Oh, you don't mean to offend me.

I'm sorry. That's the way I think it's done.

In your stupid country, in your Pennsylvania Dutch place. But at Schmeiderburg pretzels, a man does the spitting out of the salt.

Okay.

With precision and care and training for years. And Castlehoff approved.

Okay, well, listen, I'm gonna have to wrap it up with you, August. I want to say this. I'm always admired people, and I think you'll agree, Andy, people that are dedicated to what they do and take it seriously.

Absolutely. Even as silly as it is.

Yeah.

It's important.

Yeah.

People have silly jobs.

Silly. And, I don't know, it just feels like what you're doing is probably not making a difference, and you would be easily replaced by a hose or something. But. But at the same time.

But can I just tell you, I know you're trying to wrap it up, but they did try to replace me with a hose.

And it didn't go good.

No.

How not good did it go?

It was a disaster.

What happened?

There was salt all over the place. You can't put salt strokes.

Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know. Were you there when it went wrong so that you.

No, I had been fired.

Okay.

And I was at the bottom of a bottle, and then I got a.

Phone call.

Telling me the hose was a bust. Please come back.

Okay. And did you have kind of an attitude when you came back?

Of course I did.

And I have to this day.

Yeah. Like, oh, I hope your hose. You know.

Yeah, all the time. I'll say, well, okay. You can always ask the hose again, stuff like that.

You know, a hose doesn't go stare at Gertrude, either.

Yeah, that's true.

It's Georgia.

Gertrude.

I'm sorry.

Gertrude, my friend.

All right. Well, August, I know that, and I say this with great sarcasm, that you're a busy man, but I've only got seven months vacation. Oh, Europe. They know how to do it.

Socialism.

Thank you, August and Andy. We got to do more of this. This is a real treat.

Thank you. I just. I saw that you guys were having fun in here, and I wasn't.

Well, you were busy stealing.

That's right.

While you were shouting. Yeah, I'm stealing this.

I was long gong. Long recording in there.

All right, bye bye. Everybody. Goodbye.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco hotline at six and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.