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Let's see.

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What else do we need?

Patrick, have you ever thought about wearing a fireman's uniform?

A what? You know, yellow helmet, fire retardant jacket.

A sprinkling of five is, uh.

Why are we talking about this in the vegetable aisle?

How about a teacher guard? A traffic corps.

Sorry.

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Hi, my name is Chris Robinson, and I feel confused about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I don't see why you'd be confused. I think we have a natural affection.

We do. But I get mixed messages from you. I'm a sagittarian, and I'm very sensitive. And you know what? I need more attention.

You need more attention from me.

Climb the fence. Books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey, there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend. Joined, as always, by my chums, I suppose. Contractual chums. Sonam obsession.

That's a good way to put it.

We have, and we're chums. Yours is written on a lettuce leaf. Aw. Listen, you just. I was trying to do the introduction, and you kept badgering me about my face, which you say is.

It looks extra red, like you got a little sunburned.

I did. Or I'm having some sort of stroke. Oh, it could be that, but I think it's because I got a lot of sun. And I'll tell you why. I was in New York City for a couple of days on business. I'm a man that's got affairs to manage, and I was walking around manhattan a lot.

You love to walk.

I do like to walk.

Tropical paradise of manhattan.

Well, at this time of year. Okay, this time of year? Late spring, early summer. Yeah.

And so nothing provides shade there.

Well, okay. This is a fun thing that you're doing. You know, I'm Fred Astaire trying to dance, and you keep throwing concrete cinder blocks at my feet. Anyway, yes, I was there, and it.

Rained the entire time we were there. Oh, what is that? And you know what? Adam.

Adam doesn't look at all like he got any son Adam.

To clarify, the first day that we were there, it was sunny, and I was walking around a lot on that day, and it doesn't take me very long to get red now that I buy. So I did. Yes. So I did. I mean, so, yeah. Okay. Perry Mason, he did get you. I'm consulting the almanac. It rained. I think I was there for four days, but I got a lot of sun the first day walking around, and then the rest of the time it was raining. I did have a very unique, just a very New York experience. My agent was walking with me, Rick Rosen. We were walking hand in hand as agent and client. Do you skipping? Yeah, we're skipping. La, la, la. He was taking 10% of my joy. But anyway, walking down the street, and this was on the sunny day, and this guy was probably in his thirties, and he had that New York look of everyone there was honking their horns. And they hike a lot. They hike a lot because the traffic was bad and people were uptight.

Big honkers.

Yeah. And I'm walking along with my agent, and this guy is walking by, and he looks kind of intense, and he sees me and he says, I really fucking like your show. It's fucking good. But he said it. And my agent said, what's he so mad about? And he's a fan of the podcast, but he said it like, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Yeah, but if you just look at the transcript, what he said was quite nice. He said, I really fucking like you. I like that fucking show. And then he kept walking and off to, I think, stab someone in the eye. But I was wondering, do you find.

People often like your material against their will?

Yes, I think that is one way to look at it, is every. It was going against his better judgment, and he was angry, but I also felt like that's probably how he proposed to his wife. Yeah, I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna marry the shit out of you. I'm gonna put a fucking ring on your finger. We're gonna be together for 50 years and be happy and create eternal bond and be buried side by side, you fucker. But that's how that kind of felt, like who he was.

I get a little angrier in New York cause you have to be on your a game. You know, you're walking, and then you're behind someone who's slow, and you're like, this fucking person who's. And you walk around, everybody's sunburned.

Okay? I'm telling you, this is what happens. If. If I'm someplace for four days and one day is sunny, I will come back, you know, looking like a tomato. I just will. I have. And I should have put on some sunscreen. I usually am pretty good about it.

You are.

You are. What?

You are good about putting on sunscreen.

Yeah, but I didn't do it when I was in New York, because I thought the same thing you guys are thinking. I'm not gonna put on sunscreen and walk around New York City. And again, it didn't even seem that sunny out. I shouldn't live on planet Earth. I don't think I belong on Earth.

All right, so what happens now when you get a little burnt? Like, do you have to, like, go see your dermatologist?

No.

Okay.

All right.

I don't know how it works.

I don't think I'm. With me.

Yeah.

I have to go into a hyperbaric chamber, and I have to be attended to by Mormons for nine weeks.

What?

And be.

They put creams in.

Yeah, they cover me with creams. It's a Howard Hughes reference. He was attended by Mormons. You got to know your references.

White Mormons.

He. Howard Hughes was very controlling, and he wanted white male Mormons to take care of him. I think he thought. I mean, look, the man was kind of kooky. Yes, a little kooky. I don't know how we. You sidetracked me. But I did what I thought was a clever reference, and you could pick it up or not, but then I just asked. No, and I'm telling you, I just asked the reference. Okay? And you know what? If you were working for Howard Hughes, he'd be right now clawing at you with his ten inch fingernails.

To be fair, I kind of am working for Howard Hughes.

Oh, please. I have more money than him. Wait, what happened? What is that?

Oh, no.

The water fell. Oh, my God. Let me explain. Let me explain to the listener what just happened. Why did your alarm go off?

Because it was. Cause I had to put money.

That's a microphone.

I had to put money in my meter.

Okay?

And I. And people probably be like, what? You have to pay to go to work, and you know what you give? You give us all free parking spaces, but it's too far. What is that?

These are very sensitive electronics underneath this table. Now Eduardo freaks out because Eduardo built this studio, and. Eduardo, why don't you explain what could be happening to the electronic studio?

Wait, could we finish the story? Because you didn't explain what happened.

I know.

We'll get there in a second. Will you let the coach run the team?

Is that. Are you the coach?

Yeah. I'm a very masculine coach. This is Friday night lights.

This will be brief. The water spilled over two microphone ports that we don't use that often.

But essentially, I've got a port I don't use too often.

But if we try. If we try to connect microphones to them, the likelihood is they're not going to work.

Now. Oh, is that true?

Yeah.

Now, do we have to take the whole, you know, table apart?

We probably have to take the table apart at a future date and replace those two.

Wait, why.

Why did you build something that could. Is it made of sugar? What's. Why did you build something that was so fragile?

Electronics and water, usually not a good combination unless you know what you're doing. So.

Yeah, now I'm just saying. Eduardo, I'm not.

There you go again.

Did we even mention. Did you even mention, coach, that you'd spilled water all over the table?

Well, I think you're the one to blame, because your alarm went off. I went to get your phone to turn it off. My microphone knocked over a glass of water.

I'm not.

I retract the formula. Electronics, water, and Conan, not a go con. That's.

I have a question, but shouldn't we.

If we're not using ports, shouldn't they be covered? Aren't there port covers that we could be using?

You're not gonna blame Eduardo?

No.

Eduardo, don't you think that might be smart?

Can we put covers on the glasses?

No, it wouldn't work because people frequently sip from the glasses. But if microphone is. Port is not in use, it should be covered. It should be covered, should it not? Now, tell me if you think I have a decent idea here. Adam, be fair, okay? You're so far away from a microphone.

He said it was raining in New York.

I think we should cover the microphone courts. Court covers is a brilliant idea. And Eduardo business idea. Eduardo, I forgive you for not thinking of it.

Okay, wait. That only covers part of the problem because what if your water just spilled all the way to Sona's mic, potentially. And Gorli's original mic?

I would get to the water long before that happens.

I have a comment to make. When you heard my phone go off, did you try to reach for my phone because you thought the phone was ringing and you wanted to answer it?

No, I thought it was ringing with a soft g. Oh, gosh.

But I've never put up a rap.

Sign more fervently than, you need to grow up and not reach for my phone, where you're going to tip over your water. Maybe it's behavioral.

Okay, well, I guess I agree. Oh, of course Eduardo's on your side, because he was the one that failed to build the challenger properly.

So what you're saying is.

You're saying Sony.

You're saying bad boundaries is what tipped over that wall.

I was saying, if you were a little bit more mature in handling my phone going off, then this entire situation during.

During a podcast, I think that's an egregious mistake.

Give me a parking spot.

Give you a parking spot?

Give me a parking spot.

You see how much space is back there?

I know.

Now, Jeff likes to come and park in kind of a funky way. Yeah, of course. Adam has to be here, right?

Yeah.

Jeff sends his car over. Even when he doesn't come in, he has someone drive his car over and wedge it into the parking space.

Some of us have families.

Yeah. Yeah. Andy comes with a big van that runs on, you know, castor oil, and so there's no room back there.

I know. And, you know, in your defense, I don't know why I'm defending you after just criticizing you. You do give me a free parking space. It's just like, a block away, and I just don't want to. I don't want to walk.

Of course, we are from LA. You don't walk. You guys never formed legs.

Oh, wow.

All right, so anyway, you can't be.

Out in the sun.

I think what we learned here is the following. Okay. There was enough sun for me to get burned in New York. So, Adam, you lose the microphone. Ports should be covered, and you should have thought of that. Eduardo Sona, you have a free parking space. It's only a block away. You could have gotten there. And you should turn off your alarm when you come in.

That's true.

Conan wins again. Hey, my guest today is a musician and co founder of the Black Crows, whose 10th studio album, Happiness Bastards, is out now. Robinson, welcome. You're going to get so much attention from me. I adore you. You know that? I am a massive fan of your work. We can get into all that. But, boy, you talk about. Oh, man, I've always wanted to meet Chris Robinson. And then from the first time I met you, when you would come on the late night show, you were so goddamn hilarious. And then I'm talking. I ran into you recently, and let's just say we hung out for a little bit. Let's just say.

See what I mean about these mixed messages?

Let's just say there was a hang. There was a hang with the Robinson brothers. Maybe we did and maybe we didn't. And some tequila was involved. Some high end tequila.

Yeah, yeah.

We had a really good time, and you were making me laugh so hard. And at one point, you said something to me. I think you mentioned your wife, and you said. I said, oh, your wife? And you said, yes, yes, my third wife. And then you said, I'm not afraid to love Conan.

I started laughing so hard.

And you were that level of funny the whole time. I was just so delighted. Yeah. Cause you're a very talented musician, frontman for one of the great bands of all time, and I also think you are a comedian. I think you are a really funny fucking comedian.

My initial foray into the business, we all know as show.

Thank you.

And when I was a teenager, I didn't, you know, I knew I wasn't probably going to be the manager at a Barnes and nobles or whatever because you didn't try.

You need to really dedicate yourself.

My dyslexic reality has made it very difficult for me in the day job world. But. So I had an acting class, and I was horrible. I was a horrible actor. But the guy who ran it had like a, you know, like a local cable show. It was like a sketch comedy show. And I would be like, oh, I can do the rabbi who sells, you know, barbecue or whatever, you know.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I wasn't a good actor, but he thought I was funny, and he was like, oh, write some sketches. So. And then I started doing that, and then the very first thing I ever did was stand up comedy at this club I opened for, like, what's the guy's name? Washington. Older.

George Washington.

Not that guy.

No, he never did. He.

He always performed other people. George Washington. I mean, there's this.

I mean, he's a very big one, right? To the oldest and the most famous Washington.

Which is cool that we could just narrow it down.

So yes was made it big.

It was. No, but he's big. He's big. He's a black comic. He wears it. He's older. He wears a Ken goal backwards. George Wallace.

Yes, George Wallace. You confuse him with another famous statesman George.

Yes. Make America. George Wallace again. They're doing it in Alabama, but yes, George Wallace. I opened for him.

That's crazy.

And it was horrible.

I didn't know any of this. This is not.

He was funny. And I do wonder sometimes, though, if I had. You know what I mean? Because like anything else that you practice, the dark arts, comedy is a whole entire dimensional thing.

But trust me, Chris, you chose wisely, because every comedian, myself included, we dabble. I walk around, I play my guitar in front of the mirror. Still, at my advanced age, I dream about, you know, getting to live that life. And I don't even mean in a big way. I mean, if I was just touring and just barely getting by in an old van.

Yeah. Do the same thing.

I would do that.

I'm at the chuckle bucket in Oklahoma. I put on 50 pounds. It's like Jake LaMotta talking at the end of his career. And I dream, too. Can I dream?

You can dream. You can dream.

You guys should switch. You take on the Black Crows and you take on this podcast.

I know, but he's been very successful. My dream. But like he said, his music dream goes to life.

My mind would. I'm telling you, I would take Johnny.

Thunders in New Orleans the last day before it's all over.

I would. Crime.

We don't know.

I would. I would take down the Black crows instantly. You would let me borrow the Black Crows for one day, and it would be, nope, it's over. And you can never use that name again. I remember very clearly, and I've talked to you about this, but. But your band was very important to me at a very important time. So around 1990 is when I'm. Around the time I'm leaving SNL, I'm gonna go work on the Simpsons. And I am driving around a lot alone, and I am listening to shake your moneymaker until the thing just. I think I had a. It was back when you would slide a cd into the Ford Taurus. You were driving around, and that's a true story.

God forbid a cassette gets in there.

Yeah, God forbid. Yeah. I think my problem was I was shoving a cassette set into the cd slide, but it sounded great. Still. I listened to that and I thought, this is so great. And then flash forward a little time, and I'm about to leave the Simpsons, and I know that something big is going to happen in my life. I can just sense it. I'm about to take on this late night show, and the southern harmony and musical companion comes out. And for my money, as much as I know shake your moneymaker was the atomic bomb blast. I think the southern harmony and musical companion is a perfect, perfect.

Thank you. I mean, I.

Album.

It's probably our. You know, it's. It's our best one.

It's absolutely fantastic. And I listened to it, and I listened to it, and I listened to it, and I would listen to remedy, and then into. And then into thorn in my pride and I would drive around at night like a serial killer without the killing part.

Yeah. Yeah.

Which, you know, kind of ruined it.

But just the obsession and the focus and the staring.

And choosing my victims but not doing anything.

You have a van that's ready, but you just never use them.

I have all these tools, but I don't use those, either.

Let the madness overtake you.

You know what it is.

But not completely sweep you away, of course.

Walk to the edge.

You know what I was? I was the slacker serial killer. I never quite could get my ass up and do the actual crime.

Or you're like, the serial killer with obsessive compulsive disorder who's like.

You don't like slime.

I can't touch entrails and wool. There must be a chat room for that.

But anyway, that was huge for me. And then over the years, on the late night show, you guys would come on and one of my favorite memories, and I have a still photo of it somewhere, you were touring with the great Jimmy page. You and your brother, the Black crows. With Jimmy Page.

We call him, you know Jim. I'm just kidding. I call him Mister Page.

You call him Sir Page.

Sir. Sir Page.

But you guys did something with him which was mind blowing. And then you came over and you sat down, and you had said just before the show, you said, hey, Conan, I want you to bring out the masturbating bear while I'm sitting there.

That's the only reason I thought he would be here today.

Yeah. That's the only reason you're here now.

It's like we have a lactating raccoon.

It's a male raccoon here.

Again, we're out of oat milk. But bring that raccoon in here. The raccoon's nipples are, like, hanging on the table. Like, leave me alone.

Enough.

What's wrong with, get some fucking oat milk like everybody else in Los Angeles?

So I said, yes. So the great thing is that, of course, you and rich, you know what's going on. You've watched the show before. You were chatting with Jimmy Page. The creator of Led Zeppelin when all of a sudden. And we had the bear come out and start masturbating in front of Jimmy. And you and your brother are howling, laughing. And Jimmy has this look of like, I've seen it all, I'm sorry. And he didn't know what it was, but a bear came out in a diaper and started masturbating in front of him on national television. And he was just like, oh, this happened in 72 in Seattle, my boy.

He's like, I live in Aleister Crowley's home. You know what I mean? This is nothing.

Masturbating bear will faze me. The Led Zeppelin Jett was flown by a masturbating bear.

And he's like. And you know, in his mind, he's like, that bear's not really masturbating. He's just simply touching the bulge in his diaper.

Very quickly, my boy, let me show you how it's done. Let me bring out my whips. Yeah, it was so. There was a picture. I gotta find it, but I got it framed. I love it so much. And it's you and your brother and Jimmy between you and the bear batting at the bulging bear.

The bear also like, because of like, you know, I was so excited, you know what I mean? Make America great again. Bring that motherfucker back. You know what I mean?

We did an episode once towards the end where we revealed the identity of the bear and he was masturbating and then we removed it. And it was Jim Carrey.

That's right.

And Jim Carrey was in the suit. And I was around too.

I'm no Jim Carrey, but I could have jumped in there.

You could have jumped. You can still do it.

Oh, my God.

We still got that costume. We can hose it off.

Oh, God.

But, you know, you have said that all those years of touring, the drugs interested you. Not as much like the sex. Like, you'd read about these other heavy metal groups that were into group sex. And you had this great quote where you went, please, group sex is unhygienic. And I was like, he's right. Maybe that's why I've never done it.

Let me tell you something. Maybe I don't know why I'm the way I am, but it's like I didn't do group sex. And I don't do all you can eat sushi. You know what I mean? It's like I just. When you see all, you get like, I don't know if that's something that I want access to. As much as I can. Till I vomit.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or whatever. It's just weird. I mean. Yeah. I don't know. I was. I was always a one woman kind of person. I liked a relationship.

Yep.

Doesn't mean I was very good at him until very recently. And the jury is still out. But. But what if you meet a girl and she doesn't have any big star records? You know what I mean? Like, you know, your shoes don't go with this outfit. What are you. We're not gonna hang. You know what I mean? I have certain.

Wow, your bar is so high. All I need to know, all they need to know, as far as I'm concerned, is that I was on television. You were a game show host. Good enough.

Yeah.

You want a movie or something? Yeah, whatever. Let's go.

I saw you on an episode of Canon.

And to catch a predator.

Yeah, whatever. Sure. And I did get caught. So what?

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The trajectory that you guys went through, I think, in the space of, I don't know if it's like a year maybe. You go from playing to, I think you've said maybe 18 people in a room.

Sometimes I wish it was 1818 people.

In a room, let's say. And a year later, after shake your moneymaker, you're playing to hundreds of thousands of people in monsters all around the world. All around the world. And you're how old?

23. Turning 24. Rich is just turning 2021.

I've always said. Again, I don't have a lot of experience with drugs, but I defy anyone to find a more powerful drug than adulation from a big crowd. I think that goes right into your heart, like very powerful cocaine.

You know, it's funny. Izzy Stradlin from Guns n Roses invited Rich and I to his house in, like, early 1990. We were out here and we were like, I mean, that's guns n roses they're still guns n roses. But then they were like, guns n roses? Like, you know, and we were like, cool. And he was like, oh, man, thanks for coming over. I just wanted to meet you guys, and, you know, I don't know if you're prepared for what's gonna happen. And we were like, you're gonna pay for lunch. I didn't know we're prepared for that. I have $8. You just sold 800 million records. Yeah, but, no, we're not getting lunch on Nevermind. But that. What? Fame. And, you know, he goes, you just hang on. And, you know, it's funny. That was. You have no idea. You don't. I mean, you think about those things. It's the same thing I was teasing before about reading a book or whatever. At the end of 1991, we're in Europe, and David Bowie is in a band called Tin Machine with Rhys Gabriel, guitar player, who's now Nakure. Fantastic guitar player. Great guy. I haven't seen him in a while, but we were all in Dublin together, and he was.

And it was funny. I had this. I looked back on this day, it was funny. You want to have breakfast with me and David? David Bowie? And I was like, yeah, of course I do. He's paying, right? I'm just kidding. Well, I'm just thinking at the time.

That water is on us.

But at the time, I was probably very nervous, but again, I had. I had made one wreck. You know, my life is changing, but I've made one record. He's fucking David Bowie. I mean, he's rock's chameleon. Yeah, but he's David Bowie. He's already this iconic. He's already this archetype of, like, a certain thing that we associate culturally with rock and roll. And what am I going to be like? Well, there was that time I was in the studio last week. You know what I mean? I hadn't traveled. I'd been around. I'd. I haven't done anything. And he was very aloof, and it wasn't that he was, but I realized, like, what did I have to offer that conversation? Even if I'm smart, whatever. It wasn't adding up. We go that night, the edge has a birthday party at his mansion, and we're invited to that. So Bono was there. He was dressed as Shea Rivera, which was. He was. He didn't have, you know, it was.

Se Guevara night in Ireland. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. I mean, he had the. He was completely. That's how I thought he was.

Yeah.

It wasn't pol Pot, I tell you that. But he. He was.

That was Friday. Yeah, yeah.

That was a private party. I didn't think it would be good to have a fan, you know, a costume party where. But it has to be in private, where everyone comes as the worst person in the world. I'm like, there's two Jim Jones here, guys. You're like, well, I thought you were coming.

We had a call ahead.

I thought you were coming as Herman Hess. I'm like, the wrong size boots, God damn it. But I'm not saying Shay is a bad. I'm not at all. He's a revolutionary, sure. But the point of the story is, Bono's like, oh, you're in the black crows. I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, you poor bastards. You'll never sell that many records again. You know that? I was like, jesus, Bono. This is. I mean, I don't know what's gonna happen. Oh, I do. I'm Bono, you know? Look at me, I'm in my fatigues, you know? But he said that. And in a way, though, I get it, you know what I mean? Cause other bands, bands that we love, every story is different. And you're to get to where you end up. And I always envied the. You have one record. It's pretty good that you could terrace up this thing and start to learn your way around an industry and a business that can be horrible. A horrible. Some of the worst people in the world.

Yep.

Again, it's the same thing when you sign your first record contract and the lawyer goes, this is the worst thing you'll ever see. I'll sign that for the first time. Hold on a minute. So even if it is successful, my children will know I'll sign that. You know what I mean? And you do it because. Because at the time, there's nothing else.

You just played in front of 18 people, and someone's saying, we will make this record and we will put it out, but just sign this and you will sign it. Lorne Michaels said to me that one of the truest things. I know it's true now.

And he said, conan, that's my chair.

He said, that's my chair. It's my show. But he said, because I was. Many people would say I was signing crazy, signing away a lot of things, but I was brand new, and you.

Don'T have a lot of leverage.

I had no leverage. And so what he said to me was, he said, look, and he had that kind of. My boy. And he was absolutely right. He said, many of the smartest things I've heard about show business have been from Lorne Michaels. And he said, conan, they take advantage of you for five years, then it's your turn. And I didn't know what he was talking about. But if you put in the time and you can hang in there, then you get to say, if you want more of what I'm doing, I would like to set the terms now.

It was kind of weird before the Kardashians came on tv, five years seemed like a long time. Now it's like 83 seasons of that bullshit. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's true. It is true.

How?

Just kidding.

I don't know. I've never even seen 5 seconds of it. I just thought. Yeah, I thought it would be funny.

I don't know, but it's.

I don't know if it's funny or if you're just being nice.

No, no, no. It is pretty fun. It is very funny. It is. I'm always stunned now at it used to be like an epic run. If a tv show was on for six years, was like, wow, you guys did six years and you're gonna go into syndication. And now I'm constantly seeing that a show that, I swear to God, sounds like it just went on the air like three years ago. Like, not even the bachelor or the bachelorette, but bachelorette's on stilts. And they'll say, we're celebrating our 40th season. And you're like, what happened?

Show came out in 1971. Can I tell you a funny story, though?

Nope, no time.

No. See you guys later.

Bye. Shut the door.

The day we had made shake your moneymaker. It's in the can. It's finished. The artwork is done. They're gonna give us the release date. We had a show in a place called Rome, Georgia. There's a boarding school there called Darlington that my dad and rich actually went to. And they had a little bar up there. And we'd play there occasionally. We drive the van out up it's like 90 miles. And we were called Mister Crow's guard. And it just didn't fit. Our little jangly, psychedelic sixties kind of name didn't fit what we were doing. And so, you know, George and everyone said, we need a new name. We liked the crows. That's why we keep the e in it, because of the book. Mister Crow is like a proper noun. So on the way up to this gig, we say in the van, that's it. Where today we had like a couple of names. We're the Black Crows. From here, no matter what happens, we are all in on this. Yes. We make that decision. We go to the gig. We set up our gear. We do soundcheck. There's a band that's opening for us.

It's like a dad and a daughter and, like, a cousin. And it's like some family band. I don't know if they were Christians. I don't know what they were doing. And we're like, that's weird. So we go down the street to get something to eat. We come back, those guys finished their set. We're dressed like the. I mean, we look like, you know, we're doing a gig. It's a real fucking gig. We're the fucking Black crows. We made an album. We walk out on stage, we fucking open with jealousy again. The only people in the club are the dad, the daughter, and the cousin. Hold on. And they're sitting there and they're eating subway sandwiches while we're playing. Four people, the opening band. We're like, jealous again. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, here we come, world beaters.

Fantastic. You know, it's funny because the dynamic, your brother could not be less like you. It's so fantastic how different you guys are. And I've got to know him a little bit. And you've described yourself as a dyslexic extrovert and rich as an OCD introvert. And I thought when I read that.

Described, I mean, I said that in a therapy session, and it got out.

Yeah, it was. I was the therapist. It was a bad idea. Yeah.

I just came in for the meds, and now all it is.

It's fascinating that it works so well. And then at other times, you guys would have to say that's it. Can't do this anymore for a long period of time.

Yeah. And for every band, every business, every partnership, everything has its ebb and flow and good and bad. I love the people that kept their shit private. We were just not going to be that way. To us, our connection with music and everything is an emotional connection. It's a feeling. We didn't learn music, rich. And I don't know any music. If you put it in front of us, I know. I don't know what key I'm singing. You know what I mean? Like, it is something that we've developed. And I mean, yes, of course, we know a little bit of music 35 years later, but it's really just by the visceral sort of connection to what it is. In the same way that's how we write, you know, ritual. Play me the little. It could be the littlest thing. It could be, I don't know, a rhythmic thing, a 7th note. I don't know. It could be whatever it is dictates. That's where I start, that's where I come in. This song is whatever the theme is going to be comes from something that she talks to. Angels is a great example. We were still living at mom and dad's house, and he just played that little thing, and he just started mucking around with open ears.

And that song is funny because it was very easy to write a scene or a story about. I knew someone that looked a certain way who I, at the time, had heard was into heroin, right. Or, you know, hard drugs. But I don't know, they never had a child or lost a child, you know what I mean? Like, I just fill in the blanks of the story I want to tell, but I'm not even beginning to tell that story without just whatever that little thing is. Rich play. Because I've written many songs by myself, written songs with other people, and it's different. You know what I mean? That's what he and I do. So between our OCD and dyslexia, we make one functioning songwriter, I think, you know, we're one Billy Joel. So I'm picturing Billy Joel who doesn't shower.

I'm picturing when little kids, when one gets on the other shoulder and they put on a big trench coat and try to go to the movie theater as an adult, and the hand comes out of the crotch to pay for it.

Instead, they play piano.

By the way, what's the Billy Joel song? Where he goes, what's the one where he breaks into, like, a vampire voice? What's. You know what I'm talking about.

I don't know that one.

It's so funny.

Long island vampire.

No, it's one of his big hits. Yeah, the Long island vampire.

Big shots. Big shot.

Yes.

Crazy.

I'm like, what is he that's so crazy.

I started to scan my brain and I just said, billy Joe Vampire. And I went to him and they could turn going. You think the tour a big shot, didn't ya? You know Count Chocula? Yeah, Count Chakula. Well, you're not coming to my castle. Someone talk to the hilarious.

Someone talk to the bass player. Cause I'm in the kv flat. What?

After every concert, his band seriously disappears.

Will you get him on your. Just to ask him what? No, I was that.

I would ask him about the other song where he's like, you know, JFK blown away. The one where he's just listing things that happened in history.

Yeah, that's the one.

I remember that. Him being on Billy Joel was on Saturday Night live, and he was performing that song. You know, he did. But then it's the whole list of, like, you know, Truman Doors day, red.

China, Johnny Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winfield, Joe DiMaggio.

Okay, well, you're fired. You're fired.

Get out. I have erectile dysfunction after that.

Yeah, really?

I have a huge bonus.

But anyway, I remembered watching being back near the Kraft food service table where the double doors are, and Saturday night live where the food is, and I'm standing there and he's singing that song, listing things, and Jim Downey's standing there, and he turned to me and he went, he's just listing things. This is when it was, like the number one song in the country. But Jim Downey knew. He's just.

Just reading the credits as it goes. It's like, oh, bring me my encyclopedia Britannica. Which ones do you want? All of them. All of them?

Get them all. This is a long song, a to z.

Sorry. I didn't know why he does the breaks into the vampire sound.

Well, you know, it was the seventies. He was feeling it. You think you draw a big shot, didn't you? You know what's fascinating to me is that people get all jumbled up about time later on and doesn't matter. But you have to understand that in 1990, nobody was dressing like you. There was a Seattle punk thing that was starting to happen. And then there was also metal, hair metal. And then you guys and your. I think you've called it, it's Mick Jagger circa, like, 1970.

Well, yeah, we really loved, like, 72 stones. That was like the way Keith kind of looked. The stooges. But it's funny because I always remember, you know, it was hard to find clothes like that. And everyone had looked like guns n roses. And we went to England for the first time, and they had a place called Kensington Market. Fabulous, amazing place. Like crazy stalls, homemade wild clothes and all sorts of stuff. Punk things, goth things, whatever it could be. And I bought a pair of, like, maroon kind of bell bottoms. And we came back to the states, and we were on tour with Aerosmith. Funny enough, our first tour bus. But we played a gig in Rochester, New York. There's a baseball stadium there, and it was black crows, warrant, Metallica, Aerosmith. We're on first. And I remember. I remember this. And I come off. Come out of the thing, and I'm, like, wearing my bell bottom, you know, with the way we look. And people are, like, snickering at me, and I'm like, y'all motherfuckers, laugh all you want. I look cool, you know, like, I feel cool.

Yeah.

And we went up and did the gig, and people, like, a lot of Metallica fans are like, you know, carving pentagrams of bleeding in their hands. Fuck you.

Oh, I get that a lot.

You know, they were like. We were the worst thing they've ever seen. But we're still kind of street, you know, we're from Atlanta, and I get up there and I'm, like, rubbing my butt and looking at them, like, kissing them. I'm like, bring it up here, big boy. You know, I'm standing on it. They're fucking throwing tennis shoes and golf balls and shit at us. I'm like, who's bringing golf balls? And so. But we did. It. Brought a pocket full of fucking golf balls to this gig. Security, you know? So we do the gig, though, and we. You know, some people like it, I imagine we're still here, but. But we didn't. We were like this, you know, fuck y'all. We're gonna do our fucking thing. And this. You can't stop us. That's part of this weird rock and roll thing.

Yep.

So we go backstage, we're like, whatever. We played 30 minutes or whatever warrant is going on next. And they come out of the trailer and these little matching, like, outfits. They look like the Osmond family. Crazy. Whole sandwich. And they would, like, do their little dance, and they'd have, like, little matching, like, one's got blue shirt, one's got a white shirt, blue pants, white legs, you know, little outfits. And these guys are wearing, like, these little, you know. At the time, I guess they had never saw the Osmond family, but so the stadium, I don't know, there's 50,000 people in there. And you just hear, Warren sucks.

Warren sucks. Jesus.

And that whole place is ringing this out, like it's loud. And I. And they look at each other, and they put on their. They went back in their trailer, put on their, like, sweatpants and got on the bus. And they laugh.

No.

And I was like, I mean, I get it. They didn't even know we were the black crows enough to say we sucked. We would have gone out anyway. We just would have. We were.

That insert name here sucks.

These people wanted Metallica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Aerosmith, which is totally cool of course it's, but I was like, you, you know, I was like, who could, why did you, if you really believe in what you're doing, you go, you weather the storm. Get up there. Give it to him. You don't know. You know what I mean? You can't just fold. I mean, I'm not picking on them. I'm sure they're rad dudes. I don't hang out with them at the all you can eat sushi place.

But they're, they're coming. They're here in 20 minutes. But I'm just, I'm, no, you have to say, this is what we're doing. You can't ask, is this okay? What we're doing? You have the essence of not just rock and roll, but comedy is, this is what we're doing. And if you, there's no going back and you just have to say, this is what it is. And if you're asking permission, it's not going to work, ever.

It would never, ever work. And I think, I don't know, I think there might be an argument that today, music, they're asking for your permission more. I mean, because there's definitely, you know, part of the appeal of rock and roll, but part of the reality of art, of being an outside person in the world of not conf, it's not about conforming is, there's no, we're not doing that. You know what I mean? Like, it's just not going to fit. I can't, I mean, if you think this is mental illness, wait. Do you see, like, trying to force something that doesn't work in that way? And I think that, you know, that's, you know, part of what you want to say, part of the way we wanted to sound, the way we wanted to look was defiant towards other things that were going on. And I think, you know, in the, in the corporate landscape of today and just, just the way the culture works outside of, you know, what, what is the, to me, it's status really rules everything, you know? But to obtain a certain amount of status, you have to comply and, you know what I mean?

So our whole philosophic slant was defiance. You know, in the face you're defiant, in the face of the business that says you're from Atlanta and you're not in LA and you're, you know, you're.

Not wearing the right clothes, you're not.

Playing the game, you're not, you know, I mean, we had, you know, lots of managers listened to shake your moneymaker and said that singer he's horrible, you know, because this is at the age of, you know, everyone's very high voice and metal and rock, things like that. And I didn't sing that way. And it was like, he. We can't. We don't know what this is. Which is kind of funny today that we have a record out now that it's different, because, of course, we have three decades plus of people knowing what it is, but that it has the reaction that it has had.

You know what I mean? I've been blasting it in my car. I upgraded from a Ford Taurus to the new Ford Taurus just coming out. I had Ford make me a new Taurus. Just. That's the kind of cloud I have. It's made of gold. Happiness bastards. And I've been blasting this, and it's great. It's fantastic. And you guys. You guys haven't missed a beat. You really haven't. It doesn't. It doesn't feel like it at all. I think it's been 15 years since the last time you guys worked together.

Yeah, since we made it. We were in the studio doing stuff new, you know, original song, original things that we've.

Did you do this with George? George?

No, no, we did it with this guy, Jay Joyce.

Jay Joyce. Okay.

He's undas Uba Padusa.

Oh, he has a little submarine, does he?

Yeah. Yeah.

Dive. Dive.

He has two submarines. Oh, wow.

Okay, nice. I mean, because also, I mean, the guitar sound is fantastic. I know.

I mean, we really, you know, we've. We went through the things that we've gone through, and people always say, well, how did you do? You know what? You know, the cynic. The cynicism in the world is, oh, you're gonna do this. It's a money grab.

Right?

And it's funny because rich is like people who don't know about the music businesses. We're, you know, no matter where we are, we're still the Black crows and we're working earth tickets. You know, people. We have an audience. We have a history. We've made good records. We have songs people have in their life. And we put on a good show. So every year we didn't do the Black Crows. Someone calls up and goes, you know, I tell you what. If you guys get it together, we'll put you out there. Here's what money's gonna be. I just think of a guy.

You guys know Jed Clampett, if Rob Stanley's back.

Yeah. It's just a guy in cowboy boots and a gold chain.

You gotta get out, and there's a lot of money.

Okay. Would this be better? Like, hey, listen, you guys want to get out there? Yeah.

I like that guy.

Hey, I worry about the agent. You worry about the union representative. We'll get together. I don't even know what you're talking about. You just want to play the show. But, you know, there was always an offer for us to do it. But I think, you know, the time we. We. I just had enough of the Black crows. I'd had enough. And knowing full well that I'm a part of the problem, I'm not the solution. You know what I mean? I am a part of the problem. We all were at the time. But I did have, you know, for whatever reason, I blew the scene up. But it was great for rich and I. You know what I mean? Because what does every band say in the documentary I was watching? Like, the, you know, my bloody Valentine or something, some shoe gaze documentary. And they're like, if we just take it six months off, it wouldn't have blown up. Right? And you don't do it. You know? You just don't do it. I don't know what that is. Youth, ambition. You know that thing Izzy Stradlin said when it takes off, just hang on. We just didn't want the ride to stop.

Maybe that first decade.

It's interesting because I heard your kids helped you and your brother patch things up somewhat. Is that true?

Yeah. Well, you know, they have to, you know, they get older and they're like, I have cousins. Yeah, you do. I don't know their names.

Them.

I don't know. I don't know them either. Yeah, that becomes something else. The whole. But family. I mean, my wife Camille, as well. I mean, you know, eventually was like, what is it? Let's talk about it. You know, what's with the anger? What's with the resentment? And. And it just turned out to be, you know, a perfect time, you know? And again, not that we're not that clever, it's just. It felt right. Right. And we could deal with each other, and subsequently, it's been fantastic. And, you know, that us versus them sort of mentality is real. And I think it's important in terms of, like, it's just authentic to our. To who we are. We felt that way about art, we felt that way about rock and roll. We feel that way about a lot of things because we're passionate and we believe that there's something else. That's not just status, that's not just success. The way it looks like there's something magic in making music. There's something magic about listening to it, about being inspired by it, about going to see live music or listen. You know what I mean? Our house is just full of records.

And when I'm not making music, I'm driving everyone crazy because we just listen to music. And it's probably because of my. The way my mind works. Music starts to make the unreal real.

Yep.

It gives it a certain construct, your daily life. You know what I mean?

I don't know what it is. I mean, everyone's experienced this, but I can. I try to stay in shape as much as I can, especially as I get older. And I will. I really don't want to go for a run. I really don't want to get on my bike. I just don't want to do it. But if I put the earbuds in and a good example is listen to black crows and cranked into my ears, I can suddenly do things that I couldn't do before. And I don't, I don't know what that is, but I'm suddenly. And everyone's experienced. This isn't a new thing. But I. And then I start to have ideas and I start to feel like I've got this. I come up with all these ideas for fun, cool things I'd like to try and do. And as soon as my heart rate starts to slow down, afterwards, I go.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing any of that.

I'm a man with no dreams.

The dream's over because I stopped listening to the black crows. But I do have that. There is a magic there. And I think you were talking earlier about status and show business. I do think one thing that has changed is there is an obsession, not just in music, but in, as an obsession across the board. Comedy, music, film, with the business side of it as a status thing. And I don't think artists used to talk about that, but now it's kind of seen as a cool thing if you're seen as like a corporate brand. And I don't think that used to be the case.

No, I mean, as a matter of fact, a lot of our hero, you know what I mean? And I think the hero is not just like Joseph Campbell talking whenever, but the hero as a part of, like, who we are and who we identify with is very important. And again, I understand. I'm 57 years old. I'm not a person of the, of this century. I'm a mid century product of the last century. But it's like, you know, whether it was Gregory Corso, William Burroughs, Keith Richards, Alex Chilton, Robert Altman. I had heroes. Not like that guy's great at video games, you know, whoa. Oh, my God.

Right?

You know, his mom lets him wear a diaper so he doesn't have to go to the bathroom. You know what I mean? He's very committed, champion.

But I do. I do see what I'm sort of getting at, which is a lot of times when that's what I mean.

But our heroes would be the people in comedy. It could be that people who went.

Against it was never part of the story. Sometimes it was, but it was not really part of the story. How much they made or, or how many ads they did. And now it has become the narrative for everyone. And I think that's so much to navigate. Just focus on what's the thing you're making. Like, try and. Try and make something.

I mean, when I first record was such a big thing, I mean, are you kidding? It's not going through my head. Like, you know, John Coltrane never sold 6 million records, you know what I mean? Or whatever. That first thing of like, wait a minute. It did the opposite of me. Of course, dyslexic, we do the opposite. It didn't. Yes, my ego or whatever, as a singer, sagittarian young person, but it humbled me in the face or in the presence of the tradition that I'm working in. You know what I mean? I think also being the kind of band we were because of our influences, you know, I'm meeting my heroes. I'm not, you know, I'm not hanging out so much with my peers, which is, I do that more now, but at that time, it was like, oh, Joe Cocker knows my name and wants to give me a hug. Or Ian Hunter from the hoople. Like, the first rock star who came to one of our shows in New York, the great Ronnie Lane, was in his wheelchair when his partner brought him down. He wanted to meet us and not even a dressing room in the ice.

We were opening for this band and our first time in Austin in March of 1980. And there's a knock on the door, and the guy goes, there's some guy in a wheelchair named Ronnie Lane who wants to meet you guys. I'm like, all right, really? And, you know, the waiters are filling up the ice buckets while he's in there, and we're putting our, our clothes on after the show. And he was just like, oh, I just want to meet you guys. You know, you've said so many nice things about my music and we were. I was just. I will remember it forever.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like. And Rob Tyner from the Mc five. First time we play in Livonia, outside of Detroit. There he is in the dressing room.

I've always said, the people that blow my mind. And it happens less and less and less as I get older. But meeting the people that I saw on television be funny. When I was eight years old, it's like seeing a greek God in real life.

I had a weekend with Don Rickles one time and that was like heaven. Oh, yeah. Please say something bad about me now. I can take it. I can take it.

I was that way the day I met Don Knotts. And I just couldn't believe I meeting Barney Fife.

And I'm the funniest people of that character, are the funniest people of all.

Time to this day. I can't accept that. No. I saw him in Brookline, Massachusetts, sitting on the floor and I'm sitting in a high chair watching him on. I was in a high chair very late. This is like ten years ago. I had Rick. You don't hear Ricketts much anymore.

Don Ricketts. Not as funny.

Not as funny. Listen, I've kept you a while and I did it selfishly because I love your music. And I also think you are one of the just. You're such an authentically funny person and really honest. And I love talking to you. I really do.

Thanks for having me.

I would. Anytime you want to lower your yourself will hang and finish that tequila, let's do it. But thank you so much for being here. And I want to tell people, check out happiness bastards. Because I've been loving this. Thank you.

Yeah, we're very. It's good. It's nice. We're going on this tour and. Yeah, we're just thrilled. We're having a great.

Are you gonna give the group sex a try this time?

Oh, my God, I might throw my knee out.

That's the first thing to go with me when I have group sex. It's the first thing that goes. The old trick knee.

I'm like, listen, I don't know about reverse cowgirl, but how about reverse cuckold.

And curtain?

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Conan here got a little segment to do, and I don't know anything about this segment because Matt Gorley has some scheme up his sleeve. What's up?

A long time ago. I don't know if you remember this. We actually did. I think you did a riff about inspirational posters that you might see in, like, a grade school class or something, but with some unexpected phrases on them.

Uh huh.

Well, a wonderful, wonderful listener named Timothy Sanders, who has some of the nicest penmanship I've ever seen.

Beautiful. Looks like a cyrillic typewriter has taken.

It upon himself to make some of these, starting with these lovely turtles. You're the one that you knew you had to be.

Oh, are these ones that we said on the air? I was making up bullshit? Yes, that's. Those are. Those are great.

Watch yourself get married with a glass of water.

That's fantastic.

Whatever you think you were, that is what it was.

That's a volkswagen thing. I believe in the seventies, a story.

Of spontaneous podcast banter. Tomorrow is yesterday's idea of what you ate.

A team cocoa paperback.

You can't judge yourself from within.

Well, that's actually a good one.

Yeah.

And I love that cat. Just hanging in there.

Is it good? Does that make sense?

Sure it does.

Okay.

I don't know if it does.

Sunshine is the regret you used to know during daylight.

Are these ones we said? I'm not sure. Some of them are these AI? Maybe it's AI.

Some of them are. Yeah, I remember this.

You did this?

Who farted? William Thackeray. Yes. Back that shit up. Of course. Jane Austen.

That's my favorite one.

Yes, I remember that one. Now it's coming back to me and for the listeners.

If you want to see these, you can go to our YouTube channel and check them out or go Toamco on socials and take a look.

Yeah, these are fun. Drop it like it's hot ho. Of course. Melville during his drop it like it's hot phase.

And finally, I'd hit that.

Mary Todd Lincoln and a picture of sexy Lincoln. Those are great.

Yeah.

Aren't those amazing?

He is sexy in that picture. Yeah, I'd hit that for sure.

Look at that. He's depressed.

You'd hit that?

No, I don't think he would. He's very depressed. I mean, look at his face.

He's got great bone structure. Nice high cheekbones.

Six four.

Just like you're compare yourself.

Is there some question about his sexuality at some point, too?

Yes. Someone wrote a book, and I think was a lot of it was based on the fact that Lincoln shared a bed when he was on the circuit. But then it was revealed that everyone had to share beds back then. So just because you shared a bit. I mean, I regularly share a bed with a good friend of mine.

Who's that?

Eric rife. Anyway, that's our business. He's good friends. And when we're on the circuit together, riding, sometimes you come to an inn and you have to share.

What circuit? What is this, the vaudeville circuit?

What do you. I'm just making shit up. This is babble.

Did you guys sleep in bunk beds when you were in college?

We did, freshman year.

Who's on top?

I was on top.

That's fun.

He was on the bottom.

I like that top bunk, too.

Now. I love the top bunk. It's like we. I'm way up high. This is just a freshman in college. I was like, yay, I'm up high. We.

Yeah. I can't believe you guys didn't have bunk beds growing up in your house. House.

My brothers and I slept three in a room for a while.

Yeah, that's why I'm saying before Justin.

Was born, so it was Neil and Luke were in twin beds, and I was in a cot at the foot of their bed for a bunch of years. And my cot was up against the wall. And my mother used to put us. This is, you know, way back in the day, she'd put us in these little brown shoes with hard, you know, heels. You know, kids say they all wear sneakers, but back then, mid 1960s or whatever, you. They give you these little brown shoes that you wore. And my mother would make me take a nap every day at three in the afternoon, and I didn't want to take a nap, so I put my back on the bed and with my shoes on, I would kick at the wall with my heels. Why were you napping with shoes? Because I wouldn't take them off. Because I'm not going to kick the wall with my bare feet. And my mom would just let me kick it out and I swear to God, the wall has since been replastered and repainted. But part of me wants to go back to that house in Brookline, Massachusetts, because my parents still live there and I want to take off the painting.

And you will see little Conan feet that are crushed into the plaster because I was so enraged that I was being told I had to take a nap at three. Now, I would love it if someone told me to go take a nap at three.

Wait, what? Cots are small. Did your feet dangle off the edge?

Yeah, I was a little boy. Sona, when someone's a little boy, they aren't who they are now wearing tiny clothes. I know, but you also. You're thinking it's like a small. Here comes baby Conan.

Hi, everybody.

I'm wearing a diaper and goo goo.

Ga ga, duck your head.

Six foot four Conan.

Baby.

No, I was a little boy. And then I grew over the years.

Yeah, then when you grew. Cause you lived at home till you went to college. So what did. Where did you sleep?

Did you sleep well, eventually I got moved up to the attic.

Oh, okay.

They moved me to the attic.

They banished you?

Well, it was a controversial movie. Everyone else agreed it was the right place for me. I was at the end of a long haul in the attic. All I wanted was. All I wanted was a desk up there and a bunch of rubber stamps because I wanted to stamp papers. Oh, my God. And I would. I was obsessed with having a little office. And I was always like, I've got to go tend to my affairs. Bing bing, bing, bing. And signed papers. And I had some stamps that meant nothing like remit rubber stamps on soles. I know, I know. Stupid. What a weird kid.

What a weird man.

I was Tuesday Adams. Long before Tuesday Adams. Anyway, I grew up Wednesday. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. You know, I just got off from the show.

The Anders family.

No, on leap year. She's Tuesday.

Oh, my God.

All right.

I'll give you that.

All right. I got myself out of another scrape. Alright, that's our time for now. Remember, I was a weird child.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of session and Matt Gorley, produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. And Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on. A future episode got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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