Hi. My name is Paul Scheer, and I feel sanguine about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here. Hear the yell back to school ring the bell brand new shoes walk and.

Lose climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna. Hey, there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend. Sitting here with my peeps. Sonam obsession. Matt Gorley. Sona. You seem pretty chipper. What's going on?

I, uh.

You have a microphone right in front of you.

Come on, man.

You are a fucking foghorn. Just wasn't that loud.

No, Matt, please hear me. No, no, no.

You have to choose. Do you want to live with mommy or with daddy?

I want to live at the orphanage.

Sona, I'm just next to you. Why don't you.

It was a little loud. Come on.

Just try to. Just be. Just use your voice. And we're all here, and we.

You know what?

And guess what? We love you.

Talk quietly to, like, talk about how loud I am. It just really. It really gets me.

That's.

That's what really pisses me. Okay.

I'm really sorry.

And you.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

So tell us.

Move on.

Yes, let's move on.

And now I'm gonna. I don't know.

Okay. You seemed like you were in a good mood.

I was.

And then you were in such a good mood. You were in a good mood screaming into a mic inches from your face. What happened that made you happy?

Okay, so I went to Las Vegas for the date to be on a panel at a conference.

Wait, why were you on a panel?

I don't know.

Who would put you on a panel? Seriously, why are you on a panel? Not only that, who else was on the panel? Snuffle up against.

Oh, Jesus.

I'm just. I would love to see the panel. It starts with Sona, and then it's like, snuffalophagus.

Oh, my God.

A beach pail with a face painted on it.

Why was that?

A bowl of nectarines. And we've got our panel. I'm sorry. Sona didn't even put you down.

Oh, my God. At the nab show in Vegas.

What's a nab show?

Yeah, we have National association of Broadcasters, and then I was part of the BEa conference.

It's named after Bea Arthur.

Oh, God, I hate it here so much.

So let's get through this, because I want to get through the exploit, the.

Explaining of this, and I was on a panel. You're right. I was on a panel with the chief content officer of one media company and then the chief financial officer of another media company, and it was the three of us.

This is the greatest scam in the world. And you were there as in what capacity?

As someone who's on a very popular podcast.

Which one's a clown?

Wait, so you were there because of this podcast?

Because of this podcast, I went to Vegas for a day.

Did you get invited to stuff like this? No, I don't think I got invited to this.

I'm sure you guys get invited. I say yes to everything. Plus, my cousin works for the company that asked me to do it, and I was happy to do it.

Explanation receiving.

But I just want you guys to know I am representing this podcast in official four.

But. Okay, so a relative works for the company. Got it.

So we went to Vegas for the. We flew out, and then I have.

Who's we?

Me and Tak.

Okay.

So we flew out, and then we had time for lunch beforehand, so we went to the encore, and then we went to this place called Wazuzu, and the. The waiter, I remember his name is Taylor. I remember this so vividly.

Okay.

Is a huge fan of this podcast. And then my meal was comped.

No.

Yes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because. And I say this with all kindness, but you intact, you like, you know.

Oh, no.

You like drinks? You like. I mean, it's not gonna be cheap, is all I'm gonna say.

Um, that is not true.

What do you mean?

Act doesn't go crazy. Okay, I do, but, yeah, we. But it's Vegas, so it's, like, not a cheap meal. It's an expensive.

And you said, Taylor. Taylor being man.

He's a man. Yeah.

Taylor being man.

Taylor being man. That's the line. That's the line. It was. That's the line. It was cut out of Planet of the Apes. Taylor being man. Yeah. You are not welcome in the forbidden zone. Okay, so Taylor said. Hi. What did Taylor said that he liked about the podcast?

So it.

First of all, it's cool he recognized you.

Okay, so that's the other thing. It was a. Oh, you look familiar thing. And then he asked me why I was there. I was like, I'm on a panel. I'm on this podcast. He's like, okay. And then I think he went back and then, like, googled me, because I don't think he was sure who I was.

Right.

And then. And then he saw your photo. I'm a big fan.

He saw your photo by the cash register and said, do not cash her check. Oh, that's how I know you from the podcast. And you're under arrest. Wait, so, okay. He recognizes you from the podcast. He's a fan. That's nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He watches videos all the time on.

Shout out to Taylor, who works at. What's it called?

Wazuzu at the encore.

What kind of food is Wazuzu?

It's asian fusion. It's delicious. If they want to send us stuff, I'm cool with that.

No, I don't think that's very. I don't think you should be asking for free food. Oh, he comped you a meal, and I think that's enough. I don't think. I think. Now extorting Wazuzu. And by the way, I'm not sure asian fusion ships. Well, put a couple of dumplings in a FedEx tube and send it through the desert to get here to Larchmont. That's fantastic. Hey, over the weekend, this tube showed up. Or maybe it was last weekend. Thanks, eb. Let's crack it open. An armadillo comes out with soy sauce all over his mouth. I mean, that's insanity. Wazuzu, you sound like an amazing place, but please don't send us any food. Even though I'm sure it's amazing. We want to come in person and then be comped. Are you. Do you find yourself getting comped much in life?

That's the first time I was really excited about it. Cause I always said people were like, oh, you know, more and more people know who you are. Cause the podcast is so big. And I'm like, you're not really famous until you get either a meal comped or you could get same day reservations at a cool restaurant. And I got comped. So I'm officially, whoa, an A lister.

That's really good, I have to say.

I'm sitting here with a real celebrity, finally.

That's nice.

I constantly tested how we're doing by choosing very, very popular, hard to get into restaurants. And what I do is I show up on a Saturday night at like 730 and I just walk in and said, conan O'Brien here. And I'm demand a table for 15. And I've always been told, get the fuck out of here. But one day, even when you have.

A reservation, show up and they say.

Get the fuck out of here.

Even when I have a reservation that I've had for months and I show up and I go, by the way, it's that Conan O'Brien they say, get the fuck out of here. And my family and friends all wave to me from the table as I'm escorted up.

They're all seated.

Oh, they're all seated.

And they still bill you.

They still bill me. But that's a way to test. Yeah. And I've not. I'll know the day I can walk in and go, yeah. Table for 15, Conan O'Brien. If Conan O'Brien needs a friend, deal with it. Then I'm gonna know that I've been. If I'm seated right away, that we finally cracked it. I don't think it's ever gonna happen.

I don't know what to say because I've made a lot of same day reservations for you. And it's always, people love to accommodate you.

Why would you.

Why would you say fung? They wouldn't take.

Oh, that was my favorite. Yeah. You remember we went to the one at the original one in Arcadia, and you're like, watch this. Basically, like, I didn't do.

I never say, well, okay, I think I did. I said we were in Arcadia.

Yes.

To the original dim Tai fang din Tai fung. Din Tai fung. And I, we were really hungry. And I thought, well, it all kidding aside, people are quite nice to me, and they tend to recognize this puss.

So I'm sorry before. It's notorious for having a very long wait, especially that original line, regardless of the puss. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I. Hey, God bless them, they said as nicely as possible, go away.

I'm back in an hour.

But I remember it wasn't that long. I actually remembered it wasn't that long.

It wasn't. And you know what? You gave your name. They didn't give you any sort of leeway on the wait time. I remember it made no difference that it was you. But then you went outside and we were waiting in the parking lot, and people kept coming up to you to take pictures.

Oh, and my favorite part is, some of them were from the restaurant. My favorite is when people from the restaurant are like, can we have a picture? Yeah, sure. Thanks. I'm a big fan. How long await do you?

Fuck you.

Oh, man. Okay. Good times. Hey, listen, I don't think celebrities should be treated especially. I think we should be treated worse than other people.

I agree.

Well, I'm not a celebrity, so I'm fine. If I ever come to your restaurant, you are free to comp me.

I can't wait till I have a restaurant that specializes in irish food from 1902. Do you want a tato with your tato. All right. We got to get into it, and then I got to start my restaurant. My guest today hosts the podcast. How did this get made? I was on this podcast. I really loved it. Now he has a new memoir titled joyful recollections of trauma. I really love this guy. I'm excited he's here today. Paul Scheer. Welcome. I'm going to point out, Paul. Yeah. And I am a big fan of yours, and I admire you greatly. So for you to say that you're just sanguine about being my friend is a real optimistic.

Optimistic.

That's a kick in the crotch. Wow. Jesus.

You see, to me, I'm.

It's a death blow. It's a death chop. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I'm brushing you. Cause I know your husband's a karate.

Expert, but does he do judo?

He does karate. He does karate.

I'm trying to come in not too high up and not too low. Just say, hey. I feel cautiously optimistic.

You don't need to explain it. I think that's fair. He's a psychopath.

I am. No. Excuse me. Sociopath.

Oh, sorry.

There's a difference.

Well, you'll get there.

I'm an aspirational sociopath. I'm a sociopath who's working very hard to make it psychopath. And I take night classes.

I'm looking sanguine about your opportunities.

Thank you. So many people are able to make that crossover, and I think it's really important.

Very few of us have done it. Just me and Bill Maher. We're the only two.

And I'm so happy to be here at club random. I've seen. I saw Bill Maher do that club random, and he has so many tissue boxes around. I'm like, why is he blowing his nose so much on it?

I'll tell you later.

We'll talk later.

We have a lot to say.

It's also why he's. Why is he wearing tearaway pants? You know? Listen, what the fuck? He's got a. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

You brought it up.

I wish the man. I wish the man well.

Stories about Pell cases that will make you upset, but, you know, Paul. Yes.

And if I can call you Paul, that would be a great idea.

Please. You can do it.

Okay. Paul, I have always enjoyed you, and then I had a great experience with you. You and your cohorts had me on your podcast.

Yes.

I want to say about five years ago on how did this get made? And I had an absolute blast. I believe we were talking about the film. Look who's talking to.

Yes. Where more babies are talking. I think in that one, even the dogs are talking.

Or I think everything's talking. Inanimate objects. Occasionally a chair will say, look at that baby. You know? And I think it was Danny. Am I right? Is it Danny Devito's? You may not remember because you guys do so many movies.

We watch so many bad movies, but I believe you're right. I think it is Danny Devito. And, like, Roseanne Barr might have been the baby. Yeah.

And it's such a strange concept. Cause the babies are talking, but they also have institutional knowledge about things that only adults would have. I wish I had a cigar right now. It's like, you're okay. It's one thing. I'm sorry, what's the concept again? You've lived a full life and you're trapped in a baby's body. Or this is how all babies speak.

That's what makes it so upsetting. Cause at one point, they must get amnesia, right? Because while they can't speak, they're thinking all these horrible thoughts, like, look at those boobs on that lady. And it's like, oh, God, you know, and, you know, it's like, get me a drink. And it's like, well.

And then, Jesus, I'm gonna use a drink right now. God, I'd like to shtup her. And you think, well, you came out of. You came out of the uterus, I think, eight months ago.

They all came out. Yeah, they had this energy. And then the. You know, I get it for the dogs. Dogs have been around. When the dogs start talking, they've seen some stuff.

Dogs have seen stuff. And they have a memory that I think is passed on almost genetically. Dogs have a wisdom, and when my dog looks at me, he knows. But no, the fact that a baby is, like, looking around, going like, I'd like to grab that ass.

And to me, give her the ride of a lifetime. And to me, to have a movie where you go in and picture, it's like, yeah, the babies are talking. But then there's also, like, this core romance problem in the center of it. It is still about, like, husband and wife, but they never interact with the talking babies. The babies are having their own subplot, not connected to the adults at all.

Right? Right. Absolutely. Like, the babies are on a telephone trying to get liquor from the liquor store. I haven't had a drink in eight years. How old are you? Six months, I think.

I do think in the third one. Cause we did the third one after you, that they do solve a crime. The babies do solve a crime. They see a burglar come in and they set up a trap in their baby language. They're able to communicate in their baby.

Language, meaning the language of people in their fifties, by the way, they are.

Telepathically communicating because they're not even speaking and they're just looking at each other.

Here's what it's proof of, if nothing else, that if this movie is the reality, and I think it is a very truthful, scientific movie, it was based.

In a lot of science, I believe.

That we are born in our highest, most elevated form, and then we devolve as we get older because we can speak telepathically. Long memories of a rich sexual past, even though we don't really have our secondary racial slice.

Slightly sexist. I do think that. Do you think that there is something true to the fact that babies can see ghosts? Because I've heard a lot of these stories that babies and young children, they don't know that they're not supposed to believe in this stuff. And when I was shooting this movie in New Orleans once, Tom Lennon, his kid was about three years old, and he went down to tie his shoe and he started talking to a person in the sewer grate. And he's like, oh. And then occasionally, all throughout his time in New Orleans, would see different people and having conversations with them. And New Orleans, the most haunted city in the world. I don't know. Do you think that his son is crazy or do you think the kids can maybe see ghosts?

I think it's New Orleans, and people sometimes live in sewer grates. Okay, so, you know, and I think there are other cities. I think Portland's one. I mean, I think there are.

I think there are certain cities where, well, Portland. It's expensive to live in a sewer grate. You can get a nice sewer grate for about 1500.

I think the person in the sewer grate was complaining to the little boy that it was $2,000 a month to live in the sewer grate.

But it's right on the park. It's really nice, though. It's really nice. I barely spent time here.

Hey, look, there's so many sewers.

I take the shower at the sports club. It's great.

So that's how I sort of, like, first got to. I felt like I worked with you, even though we've been traveling in similar circles for a very long time.

Well, you started my career I always say that you started my career. I had to get a Sag card because of working on your show. It was my favorite thing, and it was a great day to hang out in that. You just sit in these chairs in this hallway. People would come in and out, and you'd watch weird guest stars doing sometimes weird things. I remember Jean Simmons being the weirdest, just trolling the hallways, trying to knock on different people's doors and just get in there and just. I do remember, though, the only bit I ever said no to on your show was I got this call, and the casting director was like, Paul, we have a really great bit for you. And I was like, oh, can't wait. And they're like, so Conan's gonna come into the audience, and he's gonna have a razor on him, and he's gonna shave you bald. And I was like, uh huh. And I was like, I don't know. Cause I was already losing my hair at that point, but I didn't know if I could commit to getting my head shaved on tv, so.

Do you realize they're probably pitching this to you before they've pitched it to me? So there's a chance. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, right?

Sometimes they were calling around and saying.

Would you do it?

Yeah. We're gonna take a 22 caliber rifle and shoot you in the shoulder. And you're. How is this funny? Trust me. And Conan's a pretty good shot, so he won't hit a major artery. And they haven't even pitched it to me yet. Or will shoot you at rehearsal and then cut it as you're bleeding out, which is my favorite thing.

It was the crazy moment, but I was like. I was like, oh, I want to do this bit. This would be really funny, but I was so nervous to really commit to shaving off my full head of hair for a bit. So I did say no, and I always felt badly about it.

Crippled your career.

Did anyone do it? Did someone go on?

Someone did it? I believe it might have been Andy Blitz.

Andy Blitz would do that, even if it wasn't a sketch. I mean, I have such fond memories of that era and just so much talent around New York City. And all of us had this idea of what we thought was funny, which was quite at odds with what the people I was working for thought was funny, which was often a problem. But I know that you came up with Jack McBrayer. I think you guys were in. Were you in UCB together?

Yeah, Jack and I were in a show together called Sheer McBrayer, or Ghost Ship. And then we also were performing every Saturday together in a group called Respecto Montabon.

Okay, the titles alone.

Ghost ship was a show where Jack and I improvised just two man improv show. And every time, we would reference the movie Ghost ship. And that was the only thing that came. Only the show. My conceit was always that the ship was a ghost. And Jack believed that people were dead on the ship, and there were ghosts on the ship. And that was.

Here's my. I've talked about this before, but I cannot say enough. I've known Jack, and I swear to God, I'm friends with Jack and have been friends with Jack for years and years and years and years and years. I've never had a real conversation with him. Because I always. The minute I see him go into the a hole. City slicker.

Oh, yeah.

And he goes into the put upon rube. We'll do that for 45 minutes. And I've often thought, someday one of us is going to be on death's door in the hospital. Let's just say I go in and let's just say it's Jack. Cause he doesn't take care of himself the way I do. And I'm gonna know it, and Jack's gonna know it. That these are his last. He might. He's probably gonna go later today, and he's in the hospital, and everyone's getting a minute to just to say hi. I know for a fact. Gonna go in and say, well, well, well. Now, don't you be afraid about these doctor fellas. I know they didn't have them back home. And he's gonna go, sir, I'm quite familiar with what I. By the way, it would be the burial moment.

You can't. Jack is one of the funniest people. But that's a sign that he likes you and more than likes you, loves you. Because he won't do that with everybody. But you will get into bits with him that will last for literally years. And then sometimes you don't know where the bit is and where Jack begins. Because as I know Jack, I think every day he spends by his pool drinking bud lights. I think that's the only. That's what I mean. Oh, yeah. That's Jack also.

He's the last person on earth who hasn't heard you're not supposed to lay in the sun.

Oh, yeah.

Jack get a deep, dark.

Isn't he a big mountain Dew guy, too?

Oh, yeah. Mountain Dew.

Mountain Dew. But he pours bud light into it.

Yeah. Mountain Dew and Bud light and by the pool, maybe mixing those two things together, it's like a suntan lotion for your insides. It pushes the cancer out. The cancer's like, it's. It's too rough here. I don't need. I don't need to be in the sun.

Some dermatologists are starting around the world are starting to say McBrayer's onto something he might have broken through. You've written a book. Joyful recollections of trauma.

Yes.

First of all, I can't think of a better way for, especially a comedian or someone in comedy, to sum up this weird line we have between. There were things that moments in our childhood that we feel in the moment brought us great anxiety, fear, unhappiness, anger. And then now we realize, oh, it was all part of the stew.

It's interesting because you tell these stories that are part of your life and that you maybe have no spin on. It's like, oh, yeah, this just happened. I remember I was telling my wife, I was like, oh, yeah, I never opened the door for strangers. Cause my grandma told me about this butcher who would kill kids and chop them up into chopped meat. And June would be like. My wife was like, wait, what do you mean? I'm like, yeah, the butcher, you know, she.

The story all kids hear from their grandmother.

And my grandma told me this story where she's like, you know, she's like, you can't open the door because if you open the door, the butcher will come in, and his steps will come up the stairs, and he'll grab you, and he'll put you in a sack. And I'm like, uh huh. And she's like, and it happened right around the corner. And then the end of the story was, the mom goes to the butcher. She orders some chopped meat, and she starts making the chopped meat. She's grinding it up, and she puts it in the pan. And as she puts it in the pan, the chopped meat goes, mama.

No, no.

That image. I mean, I know it can't exist. Like, the look who's talking babies.

But is your grandma a Grimm brother?

Like, that frightened me. This butcher, I was like, yeah, there's a butcher who lives in our neighborhood who chops up children.

Your grandmother should know, occasionally, someone needs to come into the house. Occasionally, someone does need to come in.

Never gonna let anyone in. Do not chop me up, butcher. You will not get me.

Yeah, we're here to pick up the rug.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, no. So you must have had, because you talk about this very honestly in your book. Parents divorce. When you're very young, a stepfather comes into the picture who's, you know, it's physically and emotionally abusive. So you're dealing with that. And it's not, of course, none of that is funny, but you had a very singular childhood. And then you describe later in your life, you're talking to your friends and you're saying, just as you did right now, you know, when your grandmother tells you that if anyone comes in the house, they'll chop you up, and then you'll become a talking hamburger helpmate, you know? No. You've had people say, no, Paul, that's not a normal childhood.

That's not what you do. I mean, like, you don't.

Like.

I remember I raised money to go into the city to go see a naked woman. That was the only job that I was like. I'm like, we heard about naked women. We were like, we didn't have any access to naked women, but we were close to the city. And me and my friends were like, let's go get some money. We'll go into the city and we'll find. We didn't know how. I think we were, like freshmen in high school. Like, you know, so we were a little. I went to a catholic school. They didn't really talk about sex. It was very, you know, oh, it's not discussed. No, it's not. I mean, the craziest thing is, my health class was taught by my phys ed instructor, which is, I think, a normal thing. And there was a very shy girl in our class, lovely girl, and she got up to go to the bathroom, and the gym teacher was like, I got a good plan. I got a good plan here. And so she gets up, and he takes this dildo out of his desk. Now, I have never again, at this point, seen this.

You just think it's a rubber cucumber.

I'm like, what? I mean, I'm shocked, because it's like, all right. So. And he goes, all right, all right. And he shoves it in her lunch bag. And we. And we're all waiting there, and he's like, okay, she's coming back. She's coming back. Everybody calm down. And so we're all sitting there waiting, and this very sweet girl, very shy, very nice, you know, starts to take out her sandwich and goes, hey, Stephanie, what the hell? And he rips out this dildo, and he's like, what is this doing in your bag? And he starts waiting, waving it in the air, and then the entire. It's like a Carrie moment. The entire class starts laughing, and you're like. And that way. And he's like, I just got you. I gotcha. This is not real.

No, I didn't just get you.

Oh, my God.

That's your person. We need names now. We need to go back. We need to find this guy.

Yeah, and this is like. And that was a story that I like again. I was like, oh, yeah, that's as close as I got to understanding anything about sex in school. Like seeing that dildo shoved in that.

Girl'S lunch break and her humiliated.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh, I guess that's what sex is.

Yeah, this is. This is about all the details I have.

That's horrible.

Jesus.

But, I mean, you know, you. You as a kid, you get very interested in. Obsessed with making tapes of things.

Oh, yeah, you want it.

You want to record everything and make tapes to the extent that you made your own video store.

Pretty much, yeah, I made my own. I loved VHS movies, and I wanted. That was, to me, the dream, to own my own video store. I felt like that was. You can't get any better than that. You have all these things at your disposal.

It's funny. That was your dream job. When I was a kid, I remember seeing a toll booth operator. My parents driving through. We were going through the sumner tunnel or coming out of it in Boston, and we went through a toll booth. And I remember thinking, that's the life. I looked at a guy standing in a booth, and I just thought, that would be cool. Yeah, because there's no homework and no one to boss you around. And you just. And it's a pretty simple job. And then you get to go home and watch cartoons.

Yeah.

And I remember thinking, but. So yours was video store owner. Mine was toll booth operator on route 128 in Boston.

But those moments, it's like you get connected. I was like, I could get never ending story. I'd be at the top of the list. Back in the day, when you wanted to get a video, you'd have to put your name on a list, and then they'd call you, like, all right, you know, never ending stories, and you can come in and get it, but if you don't come before five, next person on the list is getting called. And so I was obsessed with doing.

This, like, being an organ donor, except the stakes are so much. They bring you. You've been approved for never ending story. It's coming to you in a cooler.

Just drop what we're doing yeah, we gotta see that kid fly on that dog. But then it became this thing where I started having these movies, and people found out about it. And I would run a video store out of my high school where teachers would be like, hey, you have Ferris Bueller. Can I borrow Ferris Bueller? I was like, all right, you can borrow Ferris. Teachers were holding me back in class for me to pass them vhs tapes. And I felt like, all right, this is my thing now.

Also, I love the idea that you thought, and this will never end.

Yeah, this is the are we going to need job.

The medium, nothing. It's gold. I know how to put things on VHS, and if you want them, there's no other way to see it.

But it was, like, for this little bit of time, like, working at blockbuster, it was the best. You were like, this is it. We ran a fake autograph signing at my blockbuster. Cause there's a girl that just looked like Jamie Gertz. And we decided, oh, I know her. I know her. We were like, hey, can you call your friend and have her come in, set up a table, and we'll make her sign a poster? And then we realized there was no Jamie Gertz movies, but there was an ally Sheedy movie that we had a poster for.

And so everything is. Everything is wrong. It's a fake Jamie Gertz signing Ally Sheedy's autograph. Everything's wrong.

And we just, like, set up an autograph. They'd be like, meet Allie. You know, like, meet Jamie Gertz. And be like, who's Jamie Gertz from Lost Boys. And we hung up this poster in our blockbuster that said Jamie Gertz on an alley she movie poster in the front window for months.

And how did it go over? Did people excited?

People were excited. People have pictures of it. People have sent me pictures of it. Cause I talked about it one time on the podcast. There were people have pictures with fake Jamie Gertz.

Yeah.

And fake Jamie Gertz reached out to me, and she said, yeah, it was a really high. It was a highlight.

Yeah. And she's being sued by fake Ali Sheedy, who's being sued by real Ali Sheedy.

It's a very complicated lawsuit, but one of them is gonna get to own the Atlanta hawks.

I think you have a part of your very cool book that is dedicated to awkward celebrity encounters, which I'd love to go into a little bit just because they are my favorite moments in my life.

You go in with the best intentions. My new thing is I will not now approach anybody because it's too nerve wracking. I'd rather just stand back. Who did you have? Is there anyone that comes to mind where you feel like you messed up the encounter?

Well, there's one I've talked about before, but definitely. And it was. The truncated version was just. I hadn't had coffee yet. It was really early in the morning. And I go to this coffee shop on the Upper east side and I get mine and I sit down. I'm just about to have it when I see that the person in line who's standing shoulder to shoulder with me, I'm sitting, having my coffee on a tall stool, and he's right there is Arnold Schwarzenegger. And it was just this great moment because he recognized me and wanted to say hi, but had nothing to say. And I haven't had my. And he hasn't had his coffee. And I just got my coffee, and it's early. And it literally just became coffee. Huh. And I was like, uh, yes, no, I'm having. It's good. It's good in the morning. And I went, yes, it's good in the morning. It's really. It's good in the morning to have. And then there was a long pause and he went to have the coffee. And I went, yes. And then there was a long pause and he went, it wakes you up.

And I said, yes, because of. And there was a long pause. He was like, the caffeine. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is awful. This is awful. And yet, I mean, this is. He is the most iconic one of the most iconic people in the world. And this is what we're talking about.

Oh, my God, it's such. You're trying to make this connection. It's like, I want to be. I just want to be normal or just say hi, or I want to get in. I want to get out. I did this movie, and there was a guy in this movie that I would hang out with all the time. And he's like, oh, you know, RDJ. And I'm like, oh, who's RDJ? He's like, Robert Downey Junior RDJ. And I'm like, oh, no, no. I don't know him. He's like, we're buds. We're buds. And I'm like, all right, great. And every day told me about RDJ. And at first I was like, is this guy full of shit? And then I knew a couple people in his orbit. RDJ's orbit. And I was like, you know, this person. He's like, oh, yeah, that guy's great.

I'm like, so it sounds legitimate. This is a guy you're getting to know who knows Robert Downey Junior, apparently.

And now I'm like, okay, this guy knows RDJ. So Comic Con comes up and he goes, hey, if you're in Comic Con, say hey to RDJ for me. And I'm like, well, that's never going to happen, but sure, great, yeah, I'll say hi. And so, lo and behold, I get in this place where I'm on the way to go to an elevator, and I'm stacked up against Robert Downey Junior. And he's dressed like a Tony Stark because he's going out there to promote Iron man two. And now my wife is with me. My wife was in Zodiac with Robert Downey Junior. She's at my side. And I don't know what comes over me, but I'm like, hey, RDJ. I don't know why I called him RDJ.

Oh, no, right?

But I've been hearing it every day. RDJ. And I'm like, oh, no. And at RDJ, as soon as I say that, my wife, who's been holding my hand, just let go, like a parachute.

She's like, I disassociate, disappears.

Like, just ejects. And I feel that. And now I'm like. And he turns and he looks at me. I'm like, hey, I know. And I won't reveal this guy's name. I go, I know so and so. And he looks at me like I just spoke an alien language. What? I go, I know. You know, it's so and so.

I know Sam Chiswick.

Yeah, right? And he's like, oh. And again, nothing's happening. And so I'm getting nervous. I start giving more examples, like, you know, he's got these tattoos. He did this one thing, he did this. And he's just looking at me. And now his bodyguards turn, like. And now I feel. And these bodyguards are huge. Like, their necks are bigger than my thighs, you know, and I'm just. And every part of my body is, like, sweating. And I'm just trying to prove, like, I'm not crazy. I know. Somebody told me. I know you now.

You're like a gambler who's losing big at the table, but you have. You can't leave. You gotta keep throwing in.

And I'm like, I didn't even want to be here in the first place. But I know this guy. He knows that. He like. And I don't. And he goes, hey, man, I don't know who you're talking about. And I'm like, right. And I don't know what to do. So I say, like, I'm sorry, I must have gotten you confused with somebody else. Oh. And after I said, Rdj. And then under my breath, they go, Robert Downey Sr. What? Cause I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't. I'm floundering and I'm trying to keep. And I said, robert Downey Sr. Like, maybe it was your dad.

Yeah. Cause you know how we all get you two mixed up. Hey, was Robert Downey senior Ironman or.

Robert Downey Junior a man that I couldn't recognize her? Like, and then thank God that elevator came. And I just. I ran. I ran out of. I was like, I'm not getting on. I couldn't get on that elevator. I couldn't do it. And that has lived with me, this awkwardness. And I look over at June, and she's like, what were you doing? And years later, I had a friend who was on Avengers, and they were like, come. Come to set. No. Well, I go to set, and I'm like, it's fun having fun. And then Robert Downey Junior walks on set. And I swear to God, he made eye contact with me. And I felt like every moment just came back. Like, he's like, I remember you. You're insane. And I was like. And I literally was like, peace. Gotta get out of here. I left. I left this set of, like. It was like, the coolest set I've ever been on. It was amazing. Big, giant action scene. And I'm like, see you later. Bye. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. Can't be here. It's too awkward for me.

Here's the one difference between us. Cause it gets really bad. It gets really bad. And then the guys, the security's looking at you. And you know how I'm fascinated with how I could make a bad thing worse. It's just my favorite thing to think about. And so I'm just obsessed with the idea that he would say, hey, man, I don't know who you're talking about. That I would reach out and grab his wrist and say, you will acknowledge me before this elevator door opens. Or else, like, what can I do in this situation? Because now and then I would. I would just. I would have to. I would have to.

I would have to make bodyguards there.

Yeah. Oh. Cause if they came forward, you know, if they started to come forward, I'd say, you don't wanna mess with me. You have no idea what I'm capable. I would keep. I would keep doubling down and I'd say, I have a razor in my shoe. I would keep saying things that up the ante more and more to try and make it. Cause the only way to make it better is to make it so much worse.

Just keep on pushing it over the limit.

Mister Downey's coming with me. You'll get a call from an undisclosed location and he will admit over the phone that he does know that guy I'm talking about.

I am.

And none of you are going to do jack shit about it.

I'm going to kidnap him, bring him to this man, show him.

Did you ever tell your friends?

I was just going to ask that same question.

So I wimped out again because I didn't know what. So the movie had wrapped at that point. So I finally see him years later and I'm like, should I do it? Should I do it? And Jim's like, don't. What are you going to get out of this? He's going to say, oh, he must. And I. And he was right. He was right in my sights to be like, you screwed me over. You don't know Robert Downey Junior. And I didn't do anything. I walked away from it because, yeah.

What are you going to get out of it?

There's no fun of it. It's like, yeah, at that point, it's like he was like, oh, he must have gotten confused. I gave him too many specifics to get confused. I don't know what happened.

Can I ask you about the Christopher Walken encounter? Because that's. I mean, first of all, he's the character that he just continues to fascinate. And I'm just. I gotta know.

So when I first came out to LA, just with my dad on a trip together, we did this.

How old are you at this point?

Probably like fifth grade. Yeah, right. We go on this thing called Hollywood on location. You go to this little place, you pay $75 and they give you the locations of everything shooting in LA that day and the stars that are in it. And I was like, this is the best thing. So you could just strive to set the set. We went to the set assignment to Simon and highway to heaven.

You know, like when you are dating yourself.

Oh, yeah, 100%.

We're on the set of Simon and Simon. This name will endure throughout the, the memories of the great lore of Hollywood.

I met Hawke from Spencer. No. And so we're kind of doing our whole day, we're through the whole thing, and we're meeting all these people that I'm having the best time. It's like, I've never seen a celebrity met a celebrity. And as a kid, this is like, this was my holy huge. Yeah. And so the last place we go is this movie is shooting. It's called communion. And I'm like, I don't know if this is, like a religious movie. I don't want to go to this. And we hang around, and nothing's going on. And the security guard approaches, and he's like, you want to meet a movie star? And I was like, yeah, I'd love to meet a movie star. He's like, Christopher Walken is right in there now. I don't know Christopher Walken. Cause I'm a kid. And I say to my dad, I'm like, who's that? And he's like, you know, from view to a kill. It's James Bond. It's a villain from James Bond. I'm like, oh, yeah, I wanna meet Max Zorin. So, you know.

So calm down, Matt.

We covered that.

How did this get made?

Yeah, Matt, you're lactating right now. You're male lactating.

So this. So the bodyguard or the security guard leaves, and he comes back and goes, okay, Chris wants to meet you, but no cameras, no parents. And so my dad was like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I want to go meet Chris. Walk in. Here, take this. And the security guard walks me across the street and opens this big warehouse door. And the warehouse is just completely dark and ushers me to go in. I walk in, and he closes the door behind me. So now I'm alone in a dark warehouse with, like, a sliver of light from where the door was. And I'm standing there, and I don't still really know Christopher Walken. I don't. And from out of the darkness comes this face. And this movie, communion is about a man who communes with aliens. And I guess this is a part in the movie where he is really in it with the aliens. Cause he's pasty white, his hair is all slick back. And I swear to God, he's wearing these insane contact lenses.

My God.

And he comes.

So his face looms out of the darkness. It's like you're at the bottom of the sea, and, you know, where you can only see inches ahead of you, and then a creature just comes out.

Of the mist, and he's like, you know, and forgive this terrible impression, because he's like, hello, little man. And I was like. I was like. And I'm like, I'm seeing this guy, and I'm like. And I don't know what to do. And he gets down on his knees to get, like, an eye, you know, and he's, like, talking to me, and. And, you know, and I've never. And again, a celebrity is all new to me, and I have, like, my autograph book in my hand, which is not even an autograph book. My dad's a pharmacist. And it was like, like a pad with, like, drugs on it. Like, it was literally. I still have it. A Vicodin. It says, like, vicodin on the top. I'm like, can you sign this? And sign it?

It says Jamie Gertz on it ten times in a child scrawl.

He's signing this thing, and he goes, we're making a movie about aliens. Do you believe in aliens? And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, pretty interesting stuff. And I'm like, okay. And then he grabs me by both shoulders and pulls me in. Now he's again on his knees, so we're eye to eye. He goes, don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Whoa. And then also, don't let anyone grab.

You by the shoulders when you're in fifth grade in a dark world.

After that stranger has insisted no parents may be present.

No parents. No cameras.

No cameras. No parents. Now send the boy, and I can grab.

And then just set me on my way. And I have this random Christopher Walken autograph. And. Oh, and that's the other thing, too. When I got in there and he first introduces himself to me, he goes, the light hurts my eyes. And I was like, all right. It was really, like. I was like, great.

Holy shit.

Really? The Ben. And he. I just love that he had some advice to impart on me, and he gave me some good advice.

Yeah. And in the actual. When you examine the story, he's being a really nice man. That should be made very clear.

Yes. Nothing.

So he's in a dark warehouse, and he's requested that a child be sent in. These are things that he could give.

That advice with the parent present, too.

Hold the camera. Holding a camera.

No, listen, that could have been totally fine.

I have the same rules, Sona, you know, working for me, that I've often said over the years. Send the child in. Sens parents.

No parents.

No parents. No problem.

Have you rented the dark warehouse?

It also.

I know all of them.

Not the same one as last time that had too much light.

I also think they, like, no one told me that he was gonna be in full character makeup, too. That's another crazy thing. Like, I'm seeing this adult, like, fully. Just like, I gotta watch that movie.

At one point, he was like, wanted to kind of freak you out on purpose. Like, bring the kid, and this will.

Be funny, you know?

I think it sound like.

I don't think so.

I think he was like, if I really look at it, I'm like, he's in crazy makeup, and he probably doesn't want a picture because he doesn't want that look to get out there. I don't know. You know? But. But he. It's so funny that he was like, I need to impart something on this kid. I need to talk to him. And it was great. It was the best experience of my life. I didn't appreciate it at the moment as much, but now it is one of those things where it's the best.

So I'm curious about what it took, because you talk about this in the book, you had to sort of overcome a lot in order to say, yeah, I think I could get. I want to get married. Obviously, it's. Meeting your wife.

Well, it's so crazy, because I think that we live in this culture now where it's like, it's not, I don't know, fashionable to get married. None of my friends are married or anything like that. You don't know what to do or. I didn't know what to do. It's like, okay, maybe we'll get married. Maybe we'll do this thing. And the stress of asking someone to marry you is an intense thing. And my wife is one of these people that.

June, I'm going to remind you it's June.

Thank you, June. Like the month. Okay. Yeah. So, June.

Hey, July, baby, I love you, June. Right, right. I knew it was summer, so may.

And I are out. But, like, you know. So I kind of planned this, like, you know, surprise. She didn't know I was gonna ask her to marry her. And I think there's a lot of people like, you plan it out. Like, you pick a ring out together and there's, like, a little gamemanship there. But I didn't know I was gonna do it all in secret. June is the type of person where you have to tell her every detail of the night. She often will bail on one of the details. We can't do more than one thing in one night. We go see a movie. We can't have dinner in a movie.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. She is one and done. She's like, and my energy reserve is over. But this night, I needed to get her to a second location because I knew that that's where I was going to propose to her. And I was like, hey, you know, maybe we'll. Maybe on the way home from dinner, we'll go stop at this beach. I hear it's nice. And she's like, okay. And like, okay, so we are committing to that. We are going to. We're definitely going to that beach because I have to lock her in so she can't pull out of it. And she's like, yeah, yeah, we'll go to the beach. I was like, great. Just confirming, though, one more time. We are going to. We're going.

So now she knows you're getting engaged. Well, just so you know, we're going to the place where it's soft to kneel down.

So she. She goes like, you know, so we're driving home from the restaurant. I go, all right, we'll go to that beach. It's like, why? Let's go home. You did say we were going to. We're going to go. And she's like, all right, we'll go to the beach. So now I'm like, bringing her there under duress, and I'm like, all right, I got to propose. I'm going to propose. And walking her out to this thing, and I get ready, I'm about to propose, and I pop down on one knee, and I go, June, will you marry me? And she looks at me with this horrified look on her face, and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I've never moved so fast in my life. That ring box got closed, shoved back in my pants. I jumped up. I was like, what? What happened? I don't know. What are you talking about? She's like, what are you talking about? And she thought I was doing a bit, that I had, like, just brought her here. And I was like, what? Have I done a marry me bit? You know, the middle of this beach, you know?

So I'm like, no, it's not a bit. And she's like, are you sure it's not a bit? I'm like. I'm like, convincing my wife that I'm not trying to make it.

Don't you also understand that this is what we deserve?

Yes, 100%.

We've devoted our lives to bits.

Yes.

And this is what we deserve. The person who not believed in that.

Moment, the person who will like, leave one room, have a hidden Freddy Krueger mask in the other, put it on, then come back and go, what, scare the shit out of her? Like, yeah, of course. You're not gonna trust me when I ask you to marry me.

Were you wearing that mask when you trust.

I did have that. I had the ring in one pop.

Tail he forgot to mention, so, you.

Know, and I had to convince her it wasn't a bit, and I did. And, you know, we kiss, and it's a nice moment. We're under the stars on this beach, and I just hear from, like, the distance, get a room. And I look up, and there's, like, a kid who's been sitting on the bluff, like, watching this whole thing play out, and we're like. And I turn and look at him. Get a room. And he kept. And he kept on just yelling, get a room.

You didn't switch it up to another line?

Nope. Just get a room. And we're like, we're getting a room. We have a room. We have a room.

You should get a room.

It's weird to, like, leave.

You should have invited him to the wedding. So when you kiss at the end, get a room. You have an interesting wedding vow that your wife insisted on. June insisted on?

Yes. I promised I would never put her on scare tactics, which was a prank. Scary prank show. She was like, you have to put that in your wedding vow, because then you can't break that. But the thing that was the best about our wedding was she let me hire a Jack Nicholson impersonator to be my best man.

Oh, my God.

You deserve all bad things that come your way, Jack. You deserve a terrible life.

Paul, this Jack Nicholson impersonator who arrived to the wedding late and goes, hey, sorry I'm late. I was at a party at Roman Polanski's house. Oh, no. That was his opening line. Now the room is kind of split of, like, parents and adults on one side and all of our friends on the other. Now our friends on the other side are having the best time. Like, ah, this is insane. And the people on the other side are going, oh, I think he might know Jack Nicholson. And now I had written this speech for the Jack Nicholson, and I was like, you know, Paul and June are as good as it gets, you know, and he was just a wolf, and, you know, and, you know, but he's gonna give her some terms of endearment.

Did you get to, like, one floor with the cuckoos?

I did everything, and I wrote, when.

Are you still married? How is this. Hey, wait a minute. Why has this not been annulled? Why didn't lightning strike? How'd you get about Schmidt in there?

So I tell him. I tell this guy the whole thing.

Oh, trust me, he does.

Oh, I get it all in there. And he goes. And he goes, great, I got it. And then the day of the wedding, he pulls me inside. You have a teleprompter? Teleprompter? No, it's the wedding. There's no teleprompter at my wedding. He goes, like, I'm not gonna really remember too much of the speech. And I go, okay, how about read it? Yeah. I was like, yeah, you can have it on peas. Like, I can't see it. I gotta wear my sunglasses. He's wearing his sunglasses. And so he starts devolving into things that aren't even Jack Nicholson. He goes, June and Paul. Yummy, yummy.

No. So he starts improvising.

Improvising is Jack Nicholson yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy? And then, like. And. And then he ends his speech by going. And if anyone wants to give me a hug, I'll be standing right over here. And he just stood up awkwardly on this. People are. You can leave now.

You can go now.

Yeah, you can go now. But that Jack Nichols. I did know that I married the right person, that when I brought that up to June, she was like, you can have them. And that was a nice moment. Yeah.

That would have not have gone over well for me.

You really have a thing for impersonators. Remember that mission impossible screening you did? And you had a Tom Cruise impersonator?

All right. So my friend said, hey, you want to have, like, a mission impossible screening? Can you invite your friends to it? And I was like, yeah. And so, unbeknownst to her, we get this beautiful theater at Paramount. We invite all of our friends, and I know this guy, or, I've seen this guy on Instagram. He's a Tom Cruise in person. I'm like, this would be great. I'll have him introduce the movie. He looks a lot like him. And I hire him, and it's gonna be fun. And the guy's charging me a lot of money for really just literally come in and say, hey, I'm so excited about this movie.

Ha ha.

And so I get there, and all of a sudden, someone comes up to me, did you hire a Tom Cruise impersonator? And I go, yeah. And they go, you can't do this. You can't do this. And everyone's freaking out because we're on paramount property, and it's Tom Cruise. And they're like, we don't mess with, like, he does not like impersonators. You need to get rid of this guy.

And I'm like, oh, you need to kill him and dispose of the body.

And I'm like, I mean, it'll be fine. It'll be fun. And they're like, you got to get rid of him. And I don't know what to do. And luckily, I'm like, I think it will be fine. I think we'll tell nobody to take pictures of it or anything like that. And he's like, and I finally, they get him to relent, and we bring in this guy, and he crushed. He was great. He was great. He came in as Tom Cruise. Nothing untoward about Tom. He did Tom Cruise a solid. I feel like he presented the best version of Tom Cruise.

Okay, here's my impersonator story. The year is, I believe, 1984. I'm just starting to befriend and write comedy with Greg Daniels when we're in college and we go visit his parents, who live in Rhode island at the time. They live in Barrington, Rhode island, and his dad's a bigwig at the radio station. The father tells us he's hired a Michael Jackson impersonator to be the star of the parade. And he said, can you guys help me out? Because there were. It was Greg, myself, and a couple of our friends. He said, can you guys walk along on either side like your bodyguards? I'll give you yellow t shirts from the radio station, but walk along and be sort of like the bodyguards that walk along to protect. And Michael Jackson is such a huge deal right now that it could get out of hand. Just be there in case something happens. And we say, okay, so it's a big parade. 4 July, I think, 1984. I want to say, and I know this is real. I didn't make this up in my crazy mind, because someone recently found a photograph, and I'm there, and there's another guy there, Dan McGrath, who's tall and lanky like me.

And he liked the idea of, yeah, you guys are tall. You look like you could be bodyguards. We don't. I was six'four and 155 pounds, and that's wearing a 50 pound hat. And so we're walking alongside the motorcade. Suddenly the entourage shows up. Cause this Michael Jackson impersonator has an entourage. And then he shows up. Sona looks more like Michael Jackson than this guy does. Seriously? Seriously, Eduardo. It's like, I swear to God, Eduardo. It's like if you wore a glove, a Michael Jackson glove, and said, I'm Michael Jackson. He looked nothing like Michael Jackson, but he had the glove and he put some sunglasses on, and he sat in the back and they had told everybody, we've got a special guest.

Oh, no.

And it's gonna be a real thriller for all of you. So everybody turns out in all of Rhode island to see this thing. And I'm walking alongside this motorcade. And this is my favorite part. I keep looking up at this guy, and he's sort of. He's sort of talking like Michael and acting like fame's been rough for him. And, you know, he doesn't know how to handle the new fame of being. And I'm thinking, what are you talking about? I believe you're from Cuba and I think you have a dutch accent. Everything's wrong. You could lose some weight. Like, it was just crazy. So he's sitting in the. And at one point, people, I can tell, are just sort of bummed out. And at one point, a kid steps out of the crowd with a water balloon. And it's right in my. Like, I'm blocking. It's between me. And I step back out of the way, and he nails the fake Michael Jackson. I step out of the way, and I remember Greg's dad afterwards saying, I saw that you, like, you did nothing. And I was like, he looks nothing like Michael Jackson. I'm not gonna take a water balloon for him, let alone a bullet.

Absolute madness. Oh, my God. I wanna make sure I mention the title of this. First of all, we could talk, I believe, for 15 hours. It's a joy to talk to you, Paul. And I knew that. So this is one of those just absolutely fun. It feels like a vacation day. I'm gonna make sure that none of us get paid. Cause we shouldn't be paid to talk to you. I wanna get paid. No, no, no, no, no. Don't pay for any of you.

This is fun, but I want to get paid.

Adam. With the exception of myself, I have to, for tax reasons. But no one else gets paid today. It's that much of a joy.

This is really nice.

Well, we quit.

Yeah, what's that?

We quit.

No, I don't want to quit.

Well, we got to stand up for.

Don't say that on Mike. Say, you bet we're going to quit. And then quietly have a conversation later.

Nothing else going on.

There we go. There we go. Where was him? Hey. Thank you, Michael. Is that Michael Jackson down there? The book is joyful recollections of traumas, and it really is a delight. And Paul Scheer, big fan of yours. You're so funny and you've got a big heart. And please come back because we could do this for 15 hours.

And I would love to have you come back to. How did this get made? One time.

Oh, I would do that.

Yeah. That would be really fun.

Yeah. Let's pick. Please, just not a baby movie.

I know. We'll give you something good.

We'll give you something good. Such an innocent young creature says, I'd like to fuck her like crazy. You know, it's like, I can't handle it. It's just upsetting.

And another thing about Italians. Wait a second. Baby, why are you so.

Baby, yeah.

Yeah, baby. With crazy conspiracy theories.

We never landed on the moon. All right.

Go in peace, Paul Scheer.

All right.

Hey, let's do a voicemail. What do you guys say?

Okay.

No, I don't want to. Bye.

Okay. Mickey Rooney.

Hey, Mickey Rooney.

Hey. Let's do a show. We'll do it in the backyard. We'll raise enough money to save the town. Yes. I would like to do. I would like to do a voicemail. I like to hear, like any king. Sometimes I like to remove my crown and walk amongst the people. Okay, here we have what they're really saying.

Hi, my name's Ben. I'm from Ohio. And my question is, it's a little morbid, but there's this new technology or an app where you can scan QR codes on someone's gravestone, and it'll show a glimpse of their life or flashbacks or videos of them or their legacy. So what would your QR code show people once they've scanned it? And while we're at it, what would Jordan Schlansky's look like? Thank you.

Wow. I gotta say, ben, that is a very imaginative question. And I don't find that morbid at all, because I'm a morbid person. I spend maybe half my day thinking about my own death and making elaborate. Elaborate what? Elaborate plans and rituals. I love that idea. I do think that gravestones are going to have screens. They're basically just going to be screens. And everyone's going to download all the pictures and video from their lives. So that when you're walking around in a graveyard, you're actually walking through all these screens and you can look at what that person experienced in their lifetime. Their travels, the food they ate. Yes. Occasionally a dick pic. But yours is just going to be.

Their airing Samsung tv of all those old show.

There won't be traditional gravestones in the future. They'll all be Samsung televisions that, you know, have, like, a grave shape, and they'll just be wedged in the ground, and people will go to graveyards to really be entertained by what people did in a previous life. The ultimate weirdness is going to be people shooting themselves who are alive, people taping themselves, watching other people's gravestones. So they're spending their lifetime watching a dead person's lifetime.

Will that show up on their grave tv when they die?

Yes. Yes. And then the snake eats its tail, and civilization just becomes inverted and eventually it disappears. It's a mind blower. But, Ben, I'm glad you brought this up, because it's quite clear what my QR code is going to be. It's going to lead you to all my greatest hits, everything from my television career. And there's also going to be commercials so that it's monetized. Oh, no.

Oh, no?

Yes. So what do you mean, oh, no? That's perfect, because a grave needs upkeep. My grave will be very heavily visited. I mean, look at how many people go see Elvis. So we're going to need security, upkeep, one of those red velvet ropes. There's going to be concessions. Yes. I'm going to probably do a lot of tie ins. I'm going to make a lot of deals before I go. And there will be commercials, and that's going to help pay to keep the giant mausoleum looking good. What about this?

This very segment could be airing on your gravestone. Do you want to say anything to people that when they hear this right now in their time, will be listening to you at your graveyard?

Yeah, that's a really good point, Matt. Well, I want to say hello. I had a good life. Not crazy about the way I checked out. I still think it was someone in my family who did me in.

Right. For sure.

I mean, breaks just don't fail like that. They were pretty clearly cut, and I don't know why the DA didn't investigate, but I'm gone. Let's deal with it. And we're dealing with it. But please, really look into my wife. I think she was responsible.

I have a question.

Yeah.

Can I please be put in charge of putting the QR code on there? Cause I really.

Nope.

I really just wanted to go to the menu for the cheesecake factory. I want you to put all this work into getting your QR code. Right.

Right.

People go there. It's just to a menu for a.

Restaurant, but quite a menu. I mean, the cheesecake factory has. I mean, that's quite a menu. So there's part of me that's almost okay with that. Sona.

Okay.

Yes, Matt, you have a question?

I have a comment to those people who are currently visiting Conan's grave. Right now, Sona and I are trapped in here. Can you please get us out? Help.

No, no. Because like any pharaoh, I wanted to be buried along with my.

My servants when you died.

No, no, you weren't killed. You were buried alive with me. Yeah.

Biggest fear.

I.

Was it really that?

Yes. I won't listen. If it wasn't my biggest fear, I'd be fine.

Okay, that's your deal breaker.

But I don't want to. I. I would rather not be buried alive. It really is. I have, like.

That's your greatest fear? What about you check into a hotel and the bar is closed.

Okay.

Cause I've seen you when that happens and you start throwing shit around the lobby. It's pretty. It's pretty intense. No, you were buried with me because. And you willingly went. You're my loyal servants. And everything I'm gonna need in the afterlife, which includes Mat Usona and some recording equipment and a lot of cheese popcorn that doesn't go stale. It's hermetically sealed. That's all we need in the afterlife.

We're going to be podcasting from the afterlife. This is just.

This is hell.

I know.

It's not hell. It's heaven. It's heaven.

I'm busy.

And think about all the guests we'll get in the afterlife. Why, here comes Abe Blinken and Gandhi. And look, they're with Dean Martin. Come on over, fellas.

They're doing a joint interview. That's amazing. Okay.

Exactly. Yeah. I love that. I think it's fantastic. We're going to get the best podcast guests in the afterlife. That's where all the great people are. So I'm glad we had this talk, and I'm glad we answered this question. Ben, I'm going to get to work right away on putting this QR code on my gravestone. I hope we don't need it for many, many years, but that's up to my wife and her plan to get me out. Out of the picture. Anyway, we'll put a QR code on it, and it will link to all my greatest hits. Plus, every 20 minutes, the menu for the cheesecake factory.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of session and Matt Gorley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao and Jeff Rossett team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burens additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on. A future episode got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.