Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Kevin. Welcome to this.

What's up, guys? So nice to meet you, Konan, Matt, Sona. Hey.

Very nice to meet you, Kevin. Tell us, your background's all blurry. Yes, for a reason. Your camera. I don't even want to know what's going on back there. Caleb, he's coming you through in very vibrant colors. Yeah, it's very vibrant.

It's Kevin. You called him Caleb.

I'm sorry. Kevin, I apologize. Thinking of this, I dated an old whaling captain in high school, and you remind me of him. I'm sorry, Kevin. Now, Kevin, where are you calling us from?

I'm from Dallas, the FW area.

Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Fortworth.

Specifically I'm in Royce City. I'm about 40 minutes east of Dallas, but I grew up in Dallas.

Okay, well, I'm not planning an attack, so let's just say Dallas.

You want my address or no?

Yeah, I'm not trying to program a missile. But tell us a little bit about yourself.

Yeah, so obviously, my name is Kevin, not Caleb. 29 years old.

I was going to let that go. But again, you remind me of an old whaling camp.

Okay. First time I heard that. No, but yeah, my name is Kevin. I'm 29 years old. I am a real estate agent in Dallas. Married, just turned two years of my wife. I have a dog, no kids yet. Hopefully soon, we're planning that. But yeah, it's a little bit about myself.

Okay. I'm not a police officer that just pulled you over. But still, it's nice to know all that information. You got married when you were 27, is that correct? Yes. That's a good age. How did you meet your wife?

How did you guys hook up, as the kids say. I met her through mutual friends, through the social media. I saw her one time on my feed. Followed her. She did not follow back. I unfollowed her, saw her again a few months later, and I was like, You're that girl that didn't follow back. Then she followed me afterwards, and then little by little, eventually went on a date, and then the rest is history, as they say.

Yeah. I wouldn't say it's history. We'll see. That's really making a huge claim. But we'll see. We'll see what the historian's write. I followed my wife, and this was before the Internet. She said, Stop following me.

Then she started following you.

Yeah. Just to I need to get my information for the police. You are in real estate, the old real estate game, eh?

Correct. I know you have a joke where I believe you said you didn't want your kids to know exactly what you did. I think you said that you wanted them to think you were a successful realtor. I don't know if that was a joke of yours or not, but I thought that was hilarious because I could relate.

Yeah, I just chose a profession because I thought, Well, when my kids were young, I didn't want them to know I was in show business because I thought I wanted them to respect their father. But I have respect for realtors. I've dealt with realtors. You guys do... You, men and women, do a great service. I'll say that.

I mean, yeah, it's not the easiest thing in the world, obviously. There's a lot that we do and a lot of stuff that people don't see that we do. A lot of people just see that we post our closing pictures that we got paid, but they don't see how complicated a specific deal was or wasn't, obviously.

Well, I watch selling the OC and also selling Sunset. So I know how much hair and makeup you guys have to go into. And he have to work for those annoying- That's why I don't watch those shows. You have to work for those annoying little twins. And I just know how hard it is. No, those shows are very unrealistic. And you all have sex with each other. I know what it's like. You're shot in a beautiful golden light.

Right, right, right.

No, but how's the market these days in Dallas?

So obviously, the interest rates really suck right now. I think if you have a very good credit score, you're still getting a seven to seven and a half % rate, which is not very good. But again, it's all... You're missing context, right? I believe back in the '80s, I wasn't born, obviously, but I was told rates were at 18 %. But then again, obviously, five years ago or four years ago during the pandemic, they were at 3 %. And now they're slowly maturely rising. It is what it is. That's what the market is right now. But people are still buying. Again, I live in Dallas. I live in Texas, the great state of Texas, and real estate is somewhat affordable, at least compared to New York or California. People are still buying and selling.

If you live in Texas, are you legally required to say the great state of Texas? Because I'm from Massachusetts, and no one ever fucking said, Well, we're from the great state of Massachusetts, the comb of the cod and the bean.

You know, funny thing is that I was born in California, in Pasadena, specifically. One of the Dinos, right? Sona and Matt? Dinos.

Dinos. Yeah, that's exciting.

That's where I was born.

Okay, so you were born there, but then you went to the great state of Texas.

The great state of Texas when I was two. Because, again, it was just more affordable for my family. Sure. I'm a Texan. My joke is that I drive a truck, not a Tesla, and I just love being here. But California is the place to be or the place to visit for sure. I enjoy going Yeah.

Well, I got no beef with Texas. I've enjoyed... Well, I think I've done shows. I've done shows in-In Dallas. In Dallas, and thoroughly enjoyed the people and had a great time. If you're a realtor, and this is the question I have, what do you have to say about a house before you show it? I'm a murder fanatic, and I've always heard that if there's a murder in a home, you have to reveal that up front. Is that true?

Yeah. I was expecting you to ask me this question, so I pulled up the actual wording just so I don't mess it up. But the wording is, you have no duty to disclose information related to whether the property has been the site of a death by natural causes, a suicide, or accident unrelated to the condition of the property.

Wait a minute. I literally live... On my street was a murder house, but I think it a manslaughter house. Do you have to disclose that?

Did you find out through the neighbors or through what's called a sonner's disclosure?

I did the manslaughter.

Yeah, he was the one that committed... He committed the crime.

Okay. You don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt.

Keep that to yourself. No, I found out through neighbors that that was the case. It was very much like that documentary, The Staircase. Have you guys seen that? Yeah. It's similar.

But see, okay, this brings up an interesting question. Suicide, it's creepy, but I guess you don't have to report it. When you say a death that was not related to the condition of the house, so if someone slipped on a defective stair and fell down, do you have to report that?

Yes. Or if a piece of sheetrock falls from the ceiling and it hits your head and it kills you, it's a defect of the house. Therefore, you have to disclose it.

But then when you say disclose it, is it like when a prostitute asks you if you're a cop and you can't say you're not a cop? Do Do you have to wait for them to ask you if someone was murdered? Or do you go right up front and you're like, is someone was murdered? Can I say something?

No prostitute has ever asked me if I'm a cop. That's a TV thing.

That's why.

Yeah. Is it not true?

It's not a real thing.

Every prostitute that I've dealt with, and I'm not, I'm not going to say sex worker because I think that's the better term. Okay. Sorry.

I didn't know you're so progressive.

Well, I am. Okay. It's a profession and the oldest profession. Well, next to gravedigger, I'm going to say. Anyway, yeah, they never bring not up.

You reek of cop.

You do. Yeah. No, they always just say, Oh, you look like that guy on TV, the real needy guy.

Then I say, Hey, what are we going to do this deal or not?

Then I start crying, and then they just walk away.

No, Sona, to answer your question, my rule of thumb is disclose everything, worry about nothing, because you can get sued in real estate, obviously. So my thing is, what's happened? Go ahead and just disclose it if we're required to. Have you ever sold a murder house? No, I have not. However, I did. In my opinion, I hosted an open house that was haunted. Let me explain. I walked into the house. It was a very nice neighborhood. I walked in and I felt weird a little bit. I can't explain it, but it just felt very weird.

Something felt off.

Very off. It was a little chilly, too. I don't know if the AC was on blast. I don't remember. But the point is, I showed up, I started turning on all the lights, and this specific house had an upstairs game room. So I go upstairs, and as I'm walking up, I see that they have a couch all the way towards the very end. There's a five-foot rag doll just laying there on the couch. And I was like, Yeah, I'm not going up there. So I didn't turn on that light.

This sounds like a sitcom plot where the kids don't want to sell the house or they're trying to make it seem haunted.

Or a horror movie where that doll comes to life. Exactly. I think it's the latter. I think you wouldn't have felt those vibes. If it was a rom-com or a sitcom, you wouldn't have felt those vibes. It's that doll, right?

Yes, it's that doll. I'm telling you, it was a creepy doll.

Did you notice that when you came downstairs and you went to the kitchen, the doll was there, too? No. Did you notice that?

I was making you breakfast. When I went back upstairs, I wasn't there anymore. No, I'm just kidding. No. But it was pretty creepy.

I'm not going to finish that question. It's a sex rag doll. Okay. All right. I started it, and then I stopped it. The sex rag doll has to ask you if you're a cop.

Hey, before we get started, you're a cop.

Yes, I am, and this is not illegal.

So let's do this, okay? Second, you mind washing me? I need about three go-arounds on the washing machine because you're the ninth guy here today. Well, I'm sorry. I've dealt sex rag dolls. It's a mess. Where did you find them? It's just not... There's a reason they use plastics. Fucking yarn. It's a mess. It's erotic at first, and then you're like, Oh, my God, how are we cleaning this up? What's that?

Is it hard? Is the yarn fur?

Oh, shut up. That's gross.

You mean like crusted salt?

No, can I say something? I thought I took it right up to the appropriate Nice. Then you turned it into something disgusting.

Just a second ago, he was like, I'm not going to say rag doll. But then you come in and that it's just ossified with jizz.

Okay, let's take it easy.

Was not expecting this conversation to go here.

Well, anyway, I think you were right. You were right getting out of that house before your passions overcame you. That's why I would have laughed. I would have been like, I got to get out of here before. Because, man, nothing gets me going like a 5'2 rag doll.

I love that it's not quite tall, but it's not baby size. No, it's not too. It's just a shorter person.

Yeah, it's a rag doll.

Why was it bigger than two feet? I don't understand.

It's a rag doll that didn't get enough milk, not enough nutrition. Was it breastfed as a child? Yeah, two packs a day.

It's just like a scurvy child from the 1700s.

My old scurvy rag doll. Oh, man, that gets me going. I'm He's so hot and bothered right now. So where is this doll now? No, no, no. Well, you could mail it to me.

I'm writing down Scurvy rag doll as the title of this episode.

Scurvy rag doll. I can probably hunt down the sellers, even though that was about four years ago.

Yeah, just say, I'll pay any price.

Deep pocket over you. I'll say, Coden O'Brien demands that rag doll.

Must have it. He jealously wants it. You mentioned your wife. What does your wife do?

She used to work in a dental office, but now she has quit, and she's pursuing her dreams to be a content creator on social media. I guess she's unemployed, but self-employed. She's doing that, and she's also a makeup artist.

What aspect is she working on? What's her specialty?

I would say, maybe I'm not saying the correct term, but in the beauty field. She'll post stuff about, I don't know, some new hair product. She'll record a video, post it, and obviously, different brands see, and they begin sending her to obviously do all that.

No, it's... If you do it right, it's apparently quite lucrative. It works out well.

Yeah, absolutely. That's what she does.

You say maybe kids in the future?

Yeah. Again, I'm about to be 30, and my wife's also going to be 30, even though she's about six months younger, but time's ticking, and I think more than anything in my- Yeah, 30.

Wow.

Well, no, more than anything, my parents are getting- I'm sorry.

I just had a child.

Yeah, you're like a newborn, and you're talking to a skeleton they just found.

That's offended.

I'm not offended. I'm just telling you, you're right. You're a child. Do it now.

I'm exhausted. Do it now. I'm exhausted. Do it now. I have the energy.

I can wait, but my parents are getting older, and it's like, I want my parents to still play with my kids, of course. That's what I meant by time is.

Well, I know. Just the baby gift to send you when that time comes.

Now you need my address.

Scurvy rag doll headed your That'll get us going. Spice things up in the bedroom.

That'll set the mood.

Scurvy rag doll.

Wait till I tell my wife after we hang up on this call.

I just want to do the commercial for Scurvy rag doll.

Let's hear a little.

Scurvy rag doll, get yours today. Tired of being alone? You don't have to be. Scurvy rag doll. This rag doll has been at sea for six months without any vitamin C. Stunted growth, but really a tiger in the bedroom. Only been washed twice in 10 years. Scurvy bag doll.

Starved of oranges and sexual attention for six months at a time.

This soul will go mad on you. Oh, man. Jesus. What happened here? You're a nice fellow, Kevin. You're in real estate, you're in Dallas, Texas, and then this happened. And I don't know. I just feel terrible. Do you have a question for me?

I'm here for the show.

Do you have a question for me that I can answer?

Yeah, I do, actually. So obviously, as a realtor, you have to host open houses, and different people do different things. Some have cookies for guests and whatnot. But if you were a real estate agent, what would you do at your open house in order to bring in potential clients?

I think saying a celebrity is going to be there. You know what I mean? It's just I mean, that's how you get people into casinos. That's how you get people into any venue is I would use my connections in my business, my friendships, and I would say, Yeah, come to this open house, whatever.

I thought you were the celebrity. No, I would do it.

I just don't know that that would be a big enough draw.

Could it be like a casino? So like Matchbox 20 would just be playing?

I'd say, It's a wonderful... I love Matchbox 20. Yeah, who doesn't? Sunken living room, three bedroom, four bath, and Matchbox 20 will be playing for two hours. No, make it four hours. They'll do as they're told. And then, yeah, I But the open house is only two hours.

For two hours, they're just playing for you.

They're tuning up. No one shows up. They're playing while I pour out lemonade and put out cookies. Yeah, I would say, celebrities. I would pack. I would get as many celebrities in my open houses as possible. I would advertise it, and I would say, You get a picture with the celebrity. I would just make it a celebrity fun-filled event. I would I do a lot of product that way. I'd be selling houses that are just shit, just awful houses.

Houses with- What if nobody shows up?

You don't think anyone's going to show up when I tell them that Cliff Claven from Cheers is there? I don't think so. You're going to be like, Who's that? Oh, yeah, Kevin. Who's that? Only one of the iconic characters of all time. His name's John Ratzemberger. When they hear Ratzemberger's in town, you're going to have to just take the hinges off the doors because they'll smash it over. Anyway, that's my idea.

Sounds like it'll be a successful open house. I'm going to take notes right now.

Yeah. If you want my help booking it, I'll do it. I'll get you the same person, Paula Davis, who books the podcast. I'll have her book your open houses. Once she tells celebrities that they have to be at a ranch-style home in the Fortworth area for four hours while Matchbox 20 plays in the background, they'll be beating a path to your door.

Thank God, because there's a house I'm selling at the moment, and I can't sell it.

Well, You just leave it up to me and Matchbox 20 and John Ratzemberger, who played Cliff Claven on Cheers. All right. Well, it was very nice talking to you, Kevin. Likewise. I wish you all the best. You seemed like a nice guy. My best to your wife. We didn't get to meet her, but we will next time. Absolutely. Very nice talking to you.

Thanks, guys. You guys have a great day. See you, Kevin. See you, Kevin.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in Association with EarWolf.