My name is Woody Harrelson. I feel supercalifragilistic about being here on Konan.

Thank you so much.

Hi, my name is Ted Danson. I feel scared about being Konan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there. Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a friend. Joined as always by my good pals, Sona Mufsessian. Hey, Sona. Hey. And Mr. Matt Gourley. Hi, boss. Please don't call me boss.

Hi, lackey.

You went completely the other way. Hi, friend. It is a little strange because other podcasts tape here as part of our company, Our Growing Empire.

You said our, but it's yours.

Yeah, it's implied.

Well, no, now it's official. It's ours. Okay, we got to be.

Yeah, that's legally binding. But Mr. Ted Danson is here all the time working, who's one of the most delightful, cool people ever. He'll walk in and he'll go, Hey, boss, to me. I'm like, No, no, no, no, no, by and says, Hey, boss, good to see you. I feel like telling him, Yeah, go clean that toilet, Danson.

Yeah, you weren't waiting for us to be like, No, you guys are on the same. You weren't waiting for that.

No. Are you fishing for that? I knew. I wasn't fishing for it. Also, I did for a bit and no one said a word.

Okay, I thought so because neither one of us was going to say anything.

No, you went out of your way to fill a tall glass of water and then drink all of it. Then you took a 10-minute nap. In that period of time, I was still waiting. No, it's just funny. It just reminded me that it's fun seeing him around.

Which one of you is taller?

It's a good question. I haven't lined myself up.

I don't know. He carries himself a little taller.

He was here the other day, sleeping. Remember when he was sleeping on a couch? I wasn't here, but I wish I was. Yeah, he was here and he was sleeping on a couch. I would have just looked at him. The door was open. We all walked by and we were staring at a sleeping Ted Danson. When you see a celebrity sleeping, it's fascinating.

You didn't have the impulse to go up and just nuzzle and cuddle him?

No, I think that's a crime.

I was going to ask if you were going to put a blanket on him. You said nuzzle and cuddle him?

No, he was perfectly fine and happy. Did anyone here witness it? You saw it.

But I think putting a blanket on him would have been nice. Speak up, please. I saw it.

We're not talking to people in Deely Plaza. I mean, for Christ's sake, this was like you... You seemed traumatized. I wouldn't say It's funny. Ha ha, funny. It's just arresting to see someone who literally, think about all the shows he's been in, how dominant he's been, he's beloved, and then he's completely inert and his computer shut down, and he's stretched out on a couch. It was fascinating to see. He's vulnerable, yeah. You do it all the time. I didn't think of it. What's that?

You nap all the time, but you like to lay down to recharge yourself. Maybe he was just recharging.

But have you ever seen me sleeping?

Oh, I've seen you sleeping.

I know, and I the hole in the wall. By the way, you creep. There's more than one. There's more than one. There's a hole in that one. It's when I'm asleep at night. No. Have you, Sona, over the years, you've probably seen me sleep.

I have seen you sleep. When we were on tour, I think there was a time when you were like, I'm just going to nap for a bit, and I had nowhere else to go. So I just stayed in the room and was on my computer.

So you saw me completely out? Yeah.

Did you get the impulse to nuzzle him?

No, not at all.

I didn't want to put a blanket on him either. Also, Scott, just to be clear, what you're talking about is creepy. It's creepy.

It's not creepy for the aggressor. Okay.

I'm trying to get more women to weigh in on this.

What was the question? Is it creepy to Can't you just nuzzle and cuddle someone when they're napping and not knowing it? It is.

You have to give her a chance to answer. I'm sorry. Yes. I'm loving giving so little.

I know. Joe just likes to just keep it close to him.

I love that. I love that you give so little that it's very funny to me.

Yes.

No. Yes. Is the world ending tomorrow? Yes. No. Good. That's a good answer. Yeah, you can't be nuzzling people. But I just found it fascinating. I know.

I think that's pretty cool.

I'm such a dynamic personality. It must be strange to see me completely shut down. It's like a- You pointed at me like, Back me up. Yeah. What I'm saying is, imagine a One of those mechanical bucking broncos, but you see it shut down and on its side. Must be strange. Or a Wurly gig or Ferris wheel. Something that's very dynamic and entertaining to all, but it's shut down.

It's the point like, Back me up.

Come on. That's your cue.

Because if I just say it myself, I sound like a dick. But point of view, he back me up and it's okay.

A warehouse full of the most fantastical fireworks anyone's ever seen but unlit, lying in nerds on their side in a dank warehouse. Right, Sona? And go. Just a quick yes. That's all we need.

Anyway, so Ted Danson was here napping, huh? Yeah, he was napping.

That's pretty cool. All right, well, we got to get to it. We got a lot to talk about.

Who's our guest?

Well, let's hope he's napping. I want to go take a picture of him.

I was going to say, if ever there's someone you could nuzzle.

You are king creep. Love a good cuddle. Actually, we are blessed with two guests today. This is on Usual. Yeah, they start on the legendary sitcom Cheers. Now, they have a new podcast called Where Everybody Knows Your Name. New episodes release every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcast. This is a joy. Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson, welcome. You and I have never seen IDO.

No, and you're my boss, which makes us really awkward.

It's so funny. You always reference me as your boss, which is very sweet. I don't think I am. Really? I don't think it's possible that I could ever be the boss of either one of you. You guys are higher than me in the showbiz totem pole. It's not possible, right? It's just not possible.

It's absolutely not possible. He's definitely my boss, and we don't even care.

Yeah, it doesn't imply respect.

There's no respect needed.

This begs the question, what are we doing here? Exactly.

This is a huge booking mistake on somebody's... Listen, I'm so thrilled to talk to you. I know you guys have a podcast you do together, and I am delighted that you are here, and I get to speak to you. You're both drinking what looks like blood out of glasses.

Woody, maybe, but mine's apple. Okay.

Watermelon. I think we should address the elephant in the room. Woody, we started a little bit later than we thought because you had a bit of a tumble. Is it fair to call it a tumble?

I think a tumble is a fair term. Yeah. I did go over my handlebars. You went over the handlebars? Yeah, I was. Honestly, and embarrassingly, I was passing this Tesla on the left that I felt was moving a little slow, but I didn't realize he was moving slow because he's taking a left.

Yes, and you were on a motorcycle?

On a motorcycle. Yes.

Is that your primary way of getting around a motorcycle?

Well, I always feel like the shortest distance between two points in LA is a motorcycle. So I do tend to take it, but today it proved not to be so very fast in terms of- Because we lost some time while people were figuring out, are you alive?

Your soul had to reenter your body. Yeah. Did you think for a second when you were going over the hood of the Tesla, did you think this is going to be a huge problem or the whole time, were you thinking, I'm all right?

No, I always thought I'd be okay. I just felt like there was some pain involved. I felt the pain, but I never thought I'd be killed or anything or maimed.

Your hand is wrapped up like someone in a cartoon.

That's because I wrapped it.

Is this true?

I wrapped it and I thought it looked funnier that way.

Let me get this straight. All of your first day training is helping people in a way that will look funny. It's not going to help him not get infected or anything like that. You didn't set the bones in the proper way. You set them in the funny way.

We're in the bathroom, and I'm like, You played a doctor, right? He says, Yeah, I also played a lawyer so we can sue the guy. I said, Well, I think it's going to have to be a lawyer for the defense.

Because it was not as good with that. Sorry.

This is fascinating just to be behind the scenes and know that, Woody, you're headed here to do the podcast with your friend Ted Danson. You wipe out on the motorcycle, you hit a Tesla, you get it together, you come here, you need medical attention So Ted Danson is the one that helps clean the wound and wrap you? Yes. Why haven't we called a real doctor at any point?

I take Ted Danson over a real doctor. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

By the way, his confidence, his I mean, or everything about the way he does it is you feel like, yes, I'm in the best hand. Never doubted.

I did have that. I was choking back tears, but I was efficient.

First of all, I'm very happy that you're okay. Me, too.

It was weird when he asked me to disrobe, but I'm on it.

It's for Hygienic purposes.

Hygienic and also tax purposes. Thank you. What protection do you wear when you ride. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

No, no. We're not doing that protection. The other protection. Are you armored in any way? Are you wearing a helmet?

I was wearing a helmet. Okay. I actually did help me because I did hit my head, but the helmet, so no problem.

Okay, good.

What do you have? This makes me sad, buddy. Really? Yeah.

Don't be sad.

I am. I'm sad. Sad? Why sad?

You could have been hurt badly.

It makes me sad. Does it inform what you might do in the future?

No, that's out of the question, I'm sure.

It should. It certainly should.

But this is how you are, right? You're living life on the edge.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, right. In other words, maybe I should just slow down in life. Just take it a little easier.

Hey, you're doing great. You skinned your hand. Man up.

Sorry.

I'm switched.

Wait, you just switched.

I had my jeery moment.

I'm sorry. Literally 15 A few minutes ago, you said, I'm so sad, I'm so sad. I'm over it. You're my friend, and I'm so sad, and then you're telling him to shut the fuck up. Right.

My sadness didn't play in the room.

When he thought about me going slower.

My sadness That didn't play in the room. That is such a sick thing to say. Such a sick thing to say. Oh, wow. We're here in the ward with the terminally ill children. Hope you guys feel better soon. You have a tough break. Hey, that didn't play so well. Let me try something else. Hey, Timmy, how long you got? Jesus Christ, Ted. I know what you mean, though, Woody. There's something about Ted. Every time I've talked to him and see him out in the world, I'm immediately, I just get this calm. You have a very calming presence. Yes, is some of it maybe related to the fact that you are so ubiquitous and well known? Yes. But do other people say that? You'd be like an amazing therapist.

I'm doing these moderate to severe plaques rises commercials, which I think tells you all you need to know that under this... I am, by the way.

You can calm other people, but there's no calmness in the interior. No common me.

Do you suffer from this malady or is the money just the money is too much to turn down?

I live on the edge of fear, basically. Really? Yes. I remember you sitting me down once during cheers and I think I was about to get divorced or something. He said, Teddy, why are you so fearful? Stuck in my head all the time. That's what I find amazing. You may have fear and all of that, but you take such big chunks out of life. I love that.

And yourself, apparently. I I'm supposed to jump today. Larchmont.

Is this on camera, by the way?

I think we're going to see this. It's comical. That's the thing one of the three stooges would put on their heads. They had a headache. I know.

That's great. Does anyone have an ice bag?

I haven't seen an ice bag like that in 50 years.

It's not a bad idea, though.

Does it look cool? Oh, yeah. It looks really cool. Well, this is a dichotomy you two have. You guys meet on Cheers. You come in second season? Third. Third season. No, end of third. So you waited for- No, end of third.

Fourth.

Fourth. Okay.

We remembered well.

You guys worked together. When you came in, the show was hitting on all cylinders.

Close to. We were working our way up from dead last, and I think we were in the '20s, maybe, when you arrived. It was Bill Cosby in his show that pulled us up by the bootstraps.

Then you become The Show, which is for a long time and not just popular, but also beautifully written, really well-acted, just perfectly done show and an iconic sitcom. But you come into this thing, and this is curious, were you scared when you came onto the show? Because I don't think of you as a guy that would be too worried or self-conscious, wouldn't you?

Well, I got to say, I'll never forget the time where I'm standing off stage, ready to enter the bar, and there's a red light that goes on, as Teddy knows. I'm just waiting for this red light, and I know that there's, whatever, 500 people in the audience, as well as it's going to be seen nationally, which is stuff I've never experienced. I had experienced a lot of theater in college, which is what really helped me not just fall completely apart. I don't know how someone who hadn't had a little bit of that going prior could just go into that situation and not just melt. But I do remember the fear of it, and then that red light came on, and then boom, just walked in and started talking to Teddy behind the bar.

And hit a home run. I mean, your first joke was through the roof, and the audience immediately- You remember what it was?

No, it was a simple easy joke. I think it was where I was saying, I used to exchange... What is it? I was pin pals with Coach, and he goes, Oh, you exchange letters? And I go, No, pens.

That's a good joke.

Which was so brilliant. I mean, you nailed it. But the writing is so brilliant because here's the person who's going to take the slot, in essence, that pure innocent slot that nick Colesanto, the coach, played. Who had passed away. And you immediately say, Oh, they're kindred spirits, because they're both exchanging pens and thinking it's wonderful. It's brilliant.

Now, I've heard that you guys wanted to haze Woody when he first showed up because the whole cast is very tight, famously tight, and you guys wanted to haze him by playing basketball.

Well, we were 37 when he showed up, and he was 25, I believe. Twenty-four. Twenty-four? Fuck stick. Sorry, we can cut that out, I'm sure.

No, your honor, he said fuck stick. Sustained. Sustained. Thank you.

37 is when you realize you're no longer 25 or 24. It was more not like hazing it. We just wanted to kick his ass in anything we could find. Sure. We started with basketball. Then as you later found out in life, he's a really good basketball player. So he kicked our asses there. Next, I have a vision of Johnny Ratzemberger, who played Cliff out on the lawn by the stage doing the leg wrestling When you're both on your back and you try to flip the other guy with just your leg. Johnny's strong. Johnny's got some. John's strong and got some thighs on him. Woody kicked his ass. I literally have a bad elbow to this day because I wouldn't give up arm wrestling. I did finally give up because he was kicking my butt. Then we moved to chest. Let's fuck this. Sorry, to heck with this physical stuff. We're going to beat him mentally. Killed us at This is all in the first week, really. From then on, it was like, if you had some awful mean prank to pull, you would not waste it on anyone else except Woody. So you And he's to this day, that's Woody Harrelson.

It was the greatest reception I could imagine. Everybody was so lovely, so kind. I just remember one moment that did It freak me out a little bit was, I remember just Shelle was standing there and I was behind the bar instead of Coach, and she's just like, Oh, I miss Coach. Something like that, which was a perfectly understandable- You should have said, He's dead.

Snap out of it. He ain't coming back. I'm sorry. That's how I talk to people.

Maybe I should have tried it.

You should have tried it. Yeah, you knew. You just I'll do it. It's my job now, see?

But just saw these guys dealing with the loss of their dear friend and teammate. But boy, they couldn't have been nicer. It was the most wonderful job And Teddy at the head of it. Teddy and Jimmy, really.

Jimmy Burrow's lesson plan.

And just the way they're just amazing people. Teddy, to this day, is just He always said, You know, you saw how he took care of me.

No, he literally took you into the bathroom and wrapped you up, which he offered to do to me about a week ago. I still don't know what that was all about. He said, No, I wish to wrap you. Come on, man.

All right.

I said, I have various saves and wrappings. Ted, you've said that you are really not at all like Sam Malone, that you are quite different in that. Of course, Sam Malone is a ladies' man. I just would have assumed that you're a good-looking guy.

Jesus Christ. I literally would have to have a woman stark naked in front of me, and I'd still be going, Me? Me? I didn't go to bars.

Looking behind you. Is there someone behind me?

Here's my mode of seduction when I was younger was, It's just me, Ted, one of the girls. Let's take our clothes off.

How did this penis get here?

Maybe it's time to talk to you for a minute.

So we clean this up.

Sona, does that work ever? I'm just one of the girls.

I mean, it would work if it's Ted Danson. Honestly, yeah, I think it would.

Okay. You're suggesting I not try it?

I would not try it if I were you. Good.

Okay. Good advice. Do you feel like you're closer to Woody than... I mean, aside from your name being Woody, Woody Boyd, than Ted is to Sam Malone?

I mean, it's hard to say because there's so much of ourselves in any character we play. But you know.

You're way the fuck smarter than what he was. Bless his heart. But- Sorry.

Is that- That hurts a little. Yeah. No. Thanks for saying. No, but I just felt he was more naive than- Yes, very good. I mean, that was my standard go to your mind. You are not naive. He's naive.

Not just that.

Sorry. Trusting.

Yeah, trusting.

All good qualities. But I don't know. That's hard to gage. I don't think I could gage that.

It's so funny because since Cheers, you've both gone on and played all these different parts. I think it'd be difficult for some people to move on from an iconic sitcom like that. And both of you, it's from my perspective, been a cakewalk. You've both just taken on all these very different roles and handled it beautifully and found all kinds of other playgrounds to play in. I know that there's some luck involved, but clearly, that's also a gift and craft. Can you guys handle that compliment?

Yeah, I can.

Very much.

Yeah, that was good.

I think that went down a little too easy. I saw no struggle.

We're expecting something a little- I felt like a vacuum with that compliment.

You just sucked it right up.

Can I ask Woody what his first movie was after playing Woody Boyd?

First After.

After. Natural Born Killers. Oh, that's right. Talking about changing this subject.

Talk about a 180.

Yeah, that was astounding.

I talked to you about this, Woody, but I love, love, love. I'm a big Coen Brothers fan, but I love No Country for Old Men. The scene you have where your character knows it's and you're sitting in your chair talking to an assassin who you know is going to kill you. It's this fidgety mixture of, I accept this, and I'm going to try and talk my way out of it. At the same time, and I love that performance. I thought, for both of you, you've had a chance to have these moments where you get to really play these different shading and do these different things that you never would have gotten to do on Cheers, which is really cool.

That's I'm totally true. As to that scene, I was shooting another somewhat forgettable movie in Vegas at the same time, so I was going back and forth, and that was in New Mexico, the one No Country. So I came back and I got this stuff out of the book because it was a book, No Country. And I got these things out of the book that I thought were cool in the scene. But I'd heard they don't like to change much in terms of the script, The Coen Brothers. But anyway, these things are so good. So I added these little elements, rewrote the scene.

Rewrote it.

Well, I just typed it. Anyway, I come in, I get a hold of Javier, who's the other character in the scene. Javier Bardem. Javier Bardem. Then we meet over at his hotel room and we rehearse, rehearse, come in the next morning, rehearse it again. And then they come into my trailer and then me and Javier perform the newly written scene for the brothers. At the end of it, they're like, Oh, we like it the way it was. It's good. It didn't change a word. Did you both laugh? Did you laugh?

Do you remember?

I think we laughed right at that moment. We'd done a lot of work to try to... But anyway, Anyway, later, of course, they turned out to be right. Probably right then they were right.

Yeah, if we got them on the line, they would say, No, at that moment, we were right. There was no getting to be right.

Those guys, man, they're incredible.

But I was thinking about, Ted, if you look at, you have obviously Becker, Damages, but then The Good Place, I thought was such a... Talk about a show where you were allowed to inhabit all these different realities that were fantastic.

It almost felt like a children's morality play. It had that quality to it. It's one of the things I'm most proud that I was part of. It wasn't easy.

No, I wouldn't think so.

To shoot The language was so elevated, you just had to work your ass off together.

Just make sure. Brilliant showrunner, creator. There's a moment at the end of the first season of The Good Place where for anyone who hasn't watched the show, you need to binge watch it. But there's a huge O'Henri twist at the end of the first season, which I did not see coming. And it all hinges on your face because you're busted on something and your face has to... We have to find out who you really are and you transform in that moment. That was just fun. I was like, one of the best things I've seen on TV in memory. It was great. That's cool.

It went that whole ending went viral at the same time that Netflix just picked it up to run it on Netflix. It just catapulted us in this great way. All of a sudden, people are going back and watching the whole season. By the way, we are all but sworn to secrecy about the ending. Naturally, even before we started shooting, I blew it. No. Don't give me a secret. If it's really important, I'll keep it.

Wait, on which? On the ending of the whole series or the- The ending of the first episode.

This moment you were talking. You blew that? I didn't blow it, but I did have loose lips. Yes, I was talking to my friend John Krasinski, and he said, What are you doing next? I said, Oh, I'm working with your friend, Mike Shore. It takes place in the afterlife. I start telling him what it's about, and I can see him go, The office, but in heaven, in his head. No, wait a minute. You don't get it. See, what happens at the end is blah, blah, blah, blah. I gave away the whole secret.

Into a megaphone.

Then had to pretend in front of everybody in all these cast meetings of, Let's keep this private. Please don't blow this. I go, Yeah, no, no. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Knowing full well.

You want to take the lead in that. You want to send him and go, This is really important, guys. Listen up. Listen up because someone's been squawking to Krosinski, who I'm not a fan of and don't talk to.

He's literally like one degree of separation from everyone. He knows every soul. Yeah.

Of course, Larry David. You work with Larry David. You've been such a big part of Cribu.

We both worked with Larry. You were on this year, weren't you? Yeah, you were.

I got to be on one.

What was your bid on the show?

Well, thanks for watching it. But you weren't in it, so I don't expect you would. But no.

Did you watch mine, Woody? Did you watch my episode? Yours was great.

What was your favorite moment of.

Did you like me as a magician?

That was some top. That was so fun. The thing with the scarves, man, all the scarves. I couldn't believe it.

I wasn't a magician.

More scarves.

I tripped you.

Wow.

Yeah, what was your episode?

I do a thing where it was funny because I'm supposed to... I play myself, but I'm getting an academy award, and then I do this whole thing where I talk about mistreatment of cows. And then he wants to do a show with me. So I go over and I meet with him, and then he's like, Well, pitching at the thing or something. And then I'm like, Is that milk? And he remembers because he saw the... He says, Oh, no, that's from my cow on my farm. Well, anyway. So I'm like, We should go out there and see the- Yes, of course. Anyway, so things go bad out in the farm in the end. And in the end of it, I'm throwing cherries at him or something, and I'm saying, Dead Dance, I was right about you.

I'm always the asshole on his show.

What you know, it's funny- But I improvised that. That wasn't his idea.

Once again. Yeah.

Once again. The Coen brothers were wrong. I know what you're thinking. You wanted to throw cherries at Javier Bardem in this emotionally packed scene.

Can I tell you how wounded I have been over the years because of what he- I knew he was going to-horably wounded. I once panced him in front of a full audience, and he He was his day of going Commando or something. It was very effective, and it pissed him off. But a year later, because he's like a killer, he waits, and he waits, and he waits. He invited me to his premiere of his movie. It was Doc Hollywood. He's a hick in the movie. Then at the end, all the, pardon the slang, hicks come to Hollywood, and they're sitting around watching. But he comes to me and he says, Ted, I really want you to come to my movie, the premiere. I so respect what you think, and it would mean a lot to me. And he just laid it on. I was just so chuffed. I felt so happy. My new friend loved me this much. And I show up and he says, Ted, over here. Sit right behind me. I got a great seat. So I was sitting right behind him. God bless Woody Harrelson. I love him so much. The end of the movie comes and all the Hicks are sitting around this coffee shop in Hollywood, and you hear the last two lines.

Oh, there's a movie star. And then was it you? Said, No, that's Ted Danson. The whole audience roared with laughter, and I had to... It was deep. It was deep.

Beautifully done. Beautifully done.

Revenge is a dish, best served cold.

All right. Well, on the theme of Revenge is a Dish, Best Served Cold, I've got a bone to pick with you, Woody. Thank you.

Good.

Here we go.

What did I do?

Well, what Let's say you guys are, I don't know how many, it was maybe six months ago, you guys are recording a podcast here, and afterwards you're out in the hallway and you come up to me and we're chatting and you say, Hey, Konan, how about going in 50/50 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam. I never in my life said yes, faster. Not because I want a houseboat, not because I want to be hanging out in Amsterdam, which is a fine place, but I wanted to be able to say, Yeah, I co-own a houseboat with Woody Harrelson. I think that's in Amsterdam. I think that would be the coolest thing in the world to say. So I said to you, Yes, and you went, Well, you need to talk to your wife. And I went, Nope, we're in. Whatever it costs, I don't care. I'm in. You went, well, that's great. That's great because we're really thinking about doing this. And I said, well, I'm in. I'm in. I'm your guy. And you went, well, great. Great, man. This will be great. Come in. Don't see it for a while. Come in like two weeks later and you're in this room interviewing Flea and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

You say, Hey, man, you want to go in 50/50 on a houseboat in Amsterdam? I'm out there and I'm like, Asshole. Asshole. Konan. Just because Flea came along. Who's cool? Who's Cooler than Konan?

He came to me. No. But he changed the fucking city to Copenhagen. What? A houseboat in Copenhagen.

What's going on? I'm serious. This is not a bit. Hey, America, this is not a bit. What are What are you doing? Is there a houseboat? Is there a houseboat? Where is it? Now you've got Flea on the line. I'm on the line. Ted's on the line.

No, we were in Copenhagen after this, and Mary and I went to see The boat that he- It exists? Well, the one they were looking at exists. We took photos and selfies.

You're still in this?

I'm not still in it.

No question.

I'm not still in it.

Well, nail him down on the city for you.

You and me and Teddy. So Flee is just a passing fancy. It's Copenhagen. I was so excited. It was going to be the third thing in my bio after I worked on the Simpsons. It's going to be co-owns a houseboat with Woody Harrelson. I didn't care if I took a total bath. I didn't care. I'd take everything I have and put it into that just to be able to say, and maybe have one experience where you and hanging out in the houseboat with our wives, and it's not going well, and I just write it all down. I was dying to do that, and then this is- Flee.

Passing fancy. This is happening.

Now, you, as a friend of what you should tell me, would that be a terrible mistake? Yeah. Okay. Bad idea.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That's a true story. Oh, my God. I was all excited. This man broke my heart.

By the way, I didn't know he'd come to you or flee, for that matter. I just thought he'd come to Mary and myself.

Here's the thing. Once this podcast goes out, people are going to be left and right all over Hollywood. Probably in parts of the world where people aren't even in show business, are going to say, No, he came to me. That's a man that come to me. I said, How's about? He was on the chairs at the Woody. Why are you doing this? What perverse What basic pleasure did you get out of this?

I know. I know it sounds a little twisted when you put it like that. I don't remember that whole flee thing that was, as I said, passing fancy. But you, me, Teddy, we're going to have a houseboat. Copenhagen. One and a half shares.

I am in.

Adjust your sights to Copenhagen. I am in.

I would check with your wife. I would check with your wife. Guess what? Guess what? Nothing. Check with your wife.

All right. No, you're right. I'll check with you.

How many times I'd be in that situation? Oh, believe me, I wear the pants in this relation. Do you guys enjoy doing the podcast together?

Yes, I'll speak for us. I haven't seen them for a while.

But yes. You're not in all of them. I'm going to be clear about that. You're there on some, and then in some, your hot air balloon crashes and you can't get to the studio. You're there for some But you guys have a great chemistry. It's really fun.

Yeah. Woody's friends with the world and the people that have come in because of Woody has been this really a treat for me. I got to meet so many new folks, and we got to us and we laugh, and I love you. I love you. I'm getting teary again. I love you, brother. Yeah. Bastard.

There's always the I love you, followed by bastard. It's such a fine line between love and hate. It can be both.

They can coexist.

Well, anyway, I love doing it. I love our podcast.

It's not one of those show watch podcast where you watch episodes and talk about it. I'm sure people would like that, but I actually think this is more fascinating to hear you guys. You're just great at shooting the shit and talking to people.

There's some reminiscing, but it's very here and there. I think the conceit was, Hey, let's hang out together. We miss each other. Let's catch up with each other, and I'll share my friends, and we'll share friends with each other. That was the conceit of getting together, because the truth is, it's to hang out with each other.

If you can turn a friendship- Into moneymaker? I wasn't going to go that way.

Sorry, we'll cut.

No, we're going to keep that in because that's essentially what it is. How can I monetize this friendship? I do think, though, the big... I mean, there's not a day that goes by where I don't realize that most of the things I've done in my career, whether it was a late night show or any of the shows I've written on or the podcast or the travel shows, I'd be doing that anyway.

You'd be doing what?

I'd be doing that job anyway. Monetizing. I would not be monetizing it. I want to make it clear. I always refuse to take any payment for any of my work in comedy. No.

It's amazing how you can get mine.

In comedy, but that works out, though, Oh, Durex hit.

Oh, my God. The SS Konin sinking beneath the waves. Steel and hot oil pouring from the port holes. New patron saint. I wouldn't have lasted three seconds on cheers. No.

I'm glad. It was a tough group, though.

We used to towards the end, when guest stars would come, at first, we would all over them. We'd give them mugs, and we'd take them to lunch, and we'd do all this stuff. Towards the end, it was like, I hope you can swim. Basically, that's what we would say to them.

We'd have our straws.

Oh, my God.

You guys would shoot spitballs at each other all the time.

Not at each other. At a specific target. You'd open your mouth as wide as you could to give them a target. Then every once in a while, you get one in the back of your gullet.

Did you ever do this on a line? Who groan? I did. Really? I did.

Spitballs?

Spitballs in the mouth?

In the mouth. No.

That's the best way to transmit the disease.

We would sit across from each other like this, and you have yours, I have mine. You start, you open. I missed. It goes here. Then you go, and you keep going back and forth until Did this ever show up?

Does this ever show up on camera if you're looking at old episodes?

I swear that I thought it was George went. George? Yeah, George has spitballs in his hairline. Because one of the things- I thought that was a skin condition.

No, no. Okay. I thought it was a spitball.

One of the things during rehearsal, if somebody was having trouble with a hefty amount of dialog, we'd all look at each other and say, We'll be there for you on the night, pal, and then just pepper them.

It's relentless. Then they remember to do that thing, Georgie was the best at it, where he just closed one eye as he's talking to you, like the camera's over him, so you can't see it. But it's the simplest thing, but God damn, it starts to get funny if the guy keeps… You know.

Did you guys have a ritual after the taping? If the-Foozball, booze, and…

Or maybe not so much Booze, but definitely Pot. Foozball and Okay.

That sounds like a fun ritual. I was in the one show a day business. Yeah, you can. We had a party the first night we did one in 1993. We were all hung over the next day and realized, if this goes well, we have 30 more years of these to do every We can't have any parties.

But you could Friday night.

No, everyone was just too tired. Everyone just wanted to get away from each other. We never had that. You'd have a Christmas party or something, but never had that Which I would think in that television where you're making, what, 22 a year and it's these weeks. Twenty-six. Twenty-six?

Is it twenty-six?

Twenty-four.

Twenty-six, twenty-four, twenty-two, bounced around. But you were not just performing, you were writing. You got to have all your brain cells firing to do that. We could show up the next day.

We were doing what we were doing. Not exactly. Sorry. Yeah. All brain cells firing from the masturbating bear.

We got a good shot of what's going on with Woody here.

I know. Yeah, you should see- I think there's a camera right there.

No, just a little. By the way, Teddy did it. Wrapped by Mr.

Danson.

Wrapped by Danson.

R-b-d.

I'm looking at your socks. W-r-b-d. W-w. W-w. W-w. W-r-r-r-r.

Why did they do that? Phonetically, it makes us…

Anyway, drink more of your blood. You got your weed socks on. Then you have your own dispensary. Is that the idea?

Right down the road. I haven't seen you there yet.

No.

What's the address, Woody?

Well, you can just come and hang out in the Ganja Giggle Garden. Yeah, it's right there.

I would love to be in DuMoy once for being in the Ganja the Giggle Garden instead of always here. He's having sushi. There he is chatting up some people and taking selfies when they don't want selfies. A little bit sick that way. The Ganja Giggle Garden, you have at your dispenser really spectacular.

We had koi ponds and macaws.

It's beautiful. It's like you're in the tropics or something. It's right down Santa Monica, just east of Sweetser. Okay, I'll check it out.

This is the guy who won't do commercials on the podcast. Podcast, but except for...

Except for promoting the woods.

The woods, yeah.

Also, Holywater. Now, there's a bar, too, under the same roof, but- But separated by law. Separated by all the nonsense the government insists. But it works. It works great.

It's actually beautiful. You should go.

Okay, I'm going to go.

It's the most beautiful dispensary ever.

For sure. I don't go to a lot of dispensaries, and I have nothing against it. It's just that in your experience, Sona, you've noticed that when I've tried- It doesn't hit you. It doesn't hit me. It somehow doesn't fit my personality. I metabolize it very quickly and turned it just into more self-hate.

Are you inhaling? I think you're supposed to blow it at other people.

Yeah, I got to get into it because you're a gummy person, Sona. I do it all. I don't discriminate. I've moved to gummies. You moved to gummies?

You're going to have to come. I do.

I absolutely do, and I want to. I live in Alta Dina, so it's hard for me to go further.

It's a little commuting.

But you know what? Maybe after work.

But if you're right here, it's literally seven minutes from here. That's great. We're trying to get her to work. She'll be in the Giggle Garden, the Ganja Giggle Garden. Ted, you find the gummy. The gummy relaxes you.

Yeah. It's also I'm not trying to put smoke in my lungs anymore. So the gummies work. Smart. Yeah, the gummies work. I take gummies not to go to sleep, but to stay asleep. You can I got the CPD with THC combo, and it really helps, really works.

You've done that for years, Sonia. You've always said to me, you're gummy and you got a great night's sleep.

I love my gummies.

Now, when you were breastfeeding, no gummies, right?

No, not. Yeah. No. When I was pregnant, no gummies. But as soon as I was done.

What a purist.

Well, that's true. I don't know. I don't want to get my baby's high, do I?

I don't know. She had twins, and then what if they were born and they high five each other on the way out?

On the way out?

I don't know. They're just immediately- Of my body? They're born cool. They're just like, they're relaxed. They saunter out.

There's little leather jackets waiting for them?

Yeah, they slip. No, they come out in the leather jackets and they high five and they saunter After- Yeah, okay. They've had a really good nine months sleep.

That's true. Yeah, start as you mean to continue. Get them.

That's a really good idea. You know what I mean?

That's great advice. Woody, I sometimes wasn't sure you'd have the best advice, I think that's very good.

I should just give them some now to see if it'll help them sleep.

Why not?

One milligram, two.

What's that going to hurt, please?

Says the guy with two ice packs on his body.

Yeah, so the guy who slowly see Basically ate a Tesla about an hour ago and is covered in bandages is saying, Do as I do.

Ironically, not high.

No. You've seen how we're on camera with this? Tell the truth. Is Is it starting to ache a little bit elsewhere?

No, it's starting to ache less. It wasn't quite aching. This hand was just feeling… Man, I cut it open in several places.

Do you think you should go to the hospital? I know talking to me is a priority, but do you think that maybe it would be a good idea to get it checked out?

I feel like Dr. Danson took care of everything for me. Thank you, bud. Yeah. Love you, man. But yeah, I will need some form of painkiller. No question. I understand. I did decide to quit. I just came back from San Francisco the night... Or no, yesterday. Those two days I had, I'm like, I'm done. I'm done smoking, I'm done drinking. I'm not doing any of it anymore. Then after this accident, I'm like, I'm getting back on the phone.

If you hadn't quit for two days, you might not have hit the Tesla. When you think about it.

Maybe you tensed up and everything because you weren't in an altered state. Well, we have terrible ideas on this podcast. We're telling people all kinds of shit. You wouldn't have been in that motorcycle accident if you had been sober.

But the guy was great. The guy was so cool.

You mean the Tesla? Ben. Hi. Hi. Sorry, I said it wrong. That's okay.

Well, first of all, it was his son's car, so he was feeling bad about that part of it. It wasn't even his car. But he was the coolest guy. His name's Ben, and he's trying to get me. So he says, What is your number? And I said, Well, I don't have a phone. And he's like, You don't have a phone? This sounds really evasive.

This is my life.

Because you do not have a phone. You do not have a cell phone.

You never have. No, I had it until four and a half years ago, and I got rid of it. So I was already seeming evasive to him. And then he's like, Well, okay, what is your insurance?

And I said, I don't know.

Are you serious? Like, I would know what my... So that was tough. And then he wants to see, okay, show me your license. Show me my license, which I'm a Texan. It's a Texas license. And he's like, well, don't you have an LA license? Is it California? No, I don't have. Well, luckily, anyway, we used his phone, called my wife. She came, and then she cleared everything up.

He recognized you immediately, yes?

He did once I took the helmet off, yes.

Okay, so this guy is in his Tesla. He's taking a left turn. Oh, my God. He gets out. And there's a guy lying there. Takes off his helmet.

I didn't take it off immediately. For a little bit, I had to get, shall we say, the mandatory lecture. Why are you passing me on the left? Why would you do that? I shouldn't have. But why?

Anyway, then- Then you take it off.

Then we had the The bike... Oh, by the way, you find out how nice people are. There's so many people stopped. Are you okay? Yes, please. It's a long line of cars going both directions, slowing down. I don't know if they're lucky, Lou, but it seemed like many were trying to be helpful. Then we tried to push the bike, but somehow the brakes are just locked up on that bike, front and back wheel. We're trying to move it, and It's pushing against the break. It was just to get it the few feet out of the road. It's still sticking a little bit in the road. Honestly, at a certain point, couldn't push it anymore. Then I take off my helmet and goes, Oh, I know you. He says, I can't remember your name.

Would you? Yeah, of course.

Then we started talking, and he was actually a very nice guy. He had really the best joke of the day, which was after Laura came and she showed him the insurance card and everything. I said, and you make sure you have the number. He goes, Yeah, but you're married. Nice.

In the lower left.

He's cool. I'm going to hang out with him again.

I think I know what your opening line is going to be. Have I got a houseboat for you? It's going to be, I'm going I'm going to show up at that houseboat, and there's a guy. Ben's going to be there. You and I will be in scuba equipment, drilling holes in the boat. Wily coyote holes in the bottom of the boat. Woody, for God's sake, take care of yourself, all right? Because you are beloved. People love you, and just take care of yourself. Thank you, sir. All right? Yes. Go slow. Don't pass on the left. Just be careful, okay?

Okay, sir.

Thank you. I want to tell you both I'm honored to sit here with you and talk to you both. Hilarious and just a great hang. I mean, really, it's a treat. I'm looking forward to your show. I know the first one just dropped. They're Coming Fast and Furious Now. I wish you nothing but success. As my people say, Mazel tof. Mazel tof to both of you.Thank you.

Mazel tof to you and your people.Mazel tof to you and your people.

I don't know what... But seriously, it's just cool to sit in a with you guys. It's very cool. I got you. Back at you.

Back at you.

Thanks very much.

Really enjoyed it.

Thank you very much for doing this. I think we should get you some real medical attention. Hoi, hoi, hoi. Yeah, I'm sorry.

We're not going to slap in the face.

We're going to get George Wendt in here who apparently just graduated from Wisconsin Medical School.

We want to let people know that on our show, we also interview Konan. That's right. That's right. I think a wonderful interview. Beautiful.

Very nice. Very respectful.

It's not how I remember it. I remember going home crying, weeping. But yes, and I'll do it anytime. Anytime you guys, on our show back in the day, when a guest fell through at the last minute, my first guest was always Al Roker. I'll be your Al Roker. Anytime you need... Oh, my God. Anytime someone falls through, I'll come in.Thank.

You, sir.I love Al Roker. Yeah. Can we not get Al?

Oh, I see. Aim higher. Assholes. Assholes.

We're going to do something a little different right now.

Matt Gourley could not be with us today. He's out buying spats, I think, which is a popular covering of a shoe from the 1930s. It takes all day. Yeah. He's going all over Pasadena to get really authentic spats. But because Matt Gourley is not here, when life gives you lemons, they say you should try and make lemon juice. Isn't that the saying? It's lemonade. Isn't it some juice? Juice of the lemon, I think, is what you say. Anyway- No, it's lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you should crush the lemons. No. The secretion then should be put into a glass. Don't say secretion.

The secretion word is what ruined that for you.

Okay, let's move on. Yeah.

No, let's keep mining this.

You'll get there.

When life gives you sour fruit, harvest that fruit, crush it to make a bitter tasting juice. Listen, because MacGurley isn't here, David Hopping is filling in. Hello, David. Hi. Now, David, fair to say you are pretty much my full-time assistant now that Sona has twins. Why are you saying no?

I mean, he is. Well, yeah. It just feels like a dig is coming at me. There's no dig. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

He pretty much It does everything for me.

I taught him everything. Oh, no, no, no.

You text me sometimes when the car is in front of my house to take me to the airport.

We never did switch that over.

We never switched that over.

My phone number is still associated with. Yes.

I won't hear from you for a long time. Then suddenly I get a text, your car is waiting for you to take you to the airport. Yeah.

The phone number, so you can get in touch with whoever is driving you. That's called assisting. Yes. That is what I'm doing.

Okay. Well, listen, thank you for that. I don't know, 200 things I need in my life. That is one, and thank you. You're welcome. Now, but when it comes to getting my creams, my bombs, my ointments.

Actually, Sona's number is still on a lot of things. I am. Sona follows along anytime I do something. I do.

Various potions and powders that keep me looking pretty. Yeah. Help my body stay healthy.

My number is still associated with a lot of those. So then I'll take stay there.

Do you ever get a call and you're like, 'Conan's on that? ' Because as I start to fall apart, there's- Start. It's rough. Well, I'm sorry, but- There's so many filters on. Various orthopedic structures are applied to my body. Anyway, huh?

Your orthopedic structure? Braces. Neither of our numbers are on for now.

I think Adam gets those. I don't know why. Anyway, I want to talk to you, David, because as you know, I don't really go on social media much. I'm pretty I'm ignorant of what's going on out there. I know TikTok is a big thing. It is. I don't really go on TikTok. I'm just curious, do I have any presence on TikTok? Am I someone who's on TikTok? Because I don't put things on TikTok. How does it work?

Well, first of all, you technically are on TikTok because there's the @TeamCoco account.

Okay, so that's something... And this is, by the way, I feel, not that we ever get political here, but it's when they quiz Trump about his businesses and he goes like, I had no idea. I'm actually I have no idea. I have no idea that we have an amazing social team here. Incredible. Bley, Ruthy, Sam. They're killing it. Yeah, they are. You guys kill it. They do an incredible job making me look cool. I don't know about these things, but they put stuff on TikTok.

I mean, there's a good chance that you right now talking about not knowing you're on TikTok is on TikTok right now. Okay.

You never know. Thank you, Chinese government. I hope I please my overlords. You don't like to get political or anything. No, I wish to please.

Shout out to the Chinese government.

Well, I'm sorry. I know it's what.

Back to your presence.

Am I on TikTok? You are. Okay. What ways would I be on TikTok? Would they just be showing clips of things? I just want to know.

Yeah, clips from the podcast, clips from the TVS show. But then you also have fans on there. Let me pull up. Give me one second.

You should do those dances. Which dances? You should do one of those synchronized dances that they do for TikTok.

You know how old I am, right? I do. Yes.

I just think it's cool.

No, you don't. You just want to see me make a complete ass of myself. He has a dance other people have emulated, the string dance. That's a very famous dance of yours. I was doing those 30 years ago.

You were TikToking before TikTok even happened.

Exactly. Maybe I invented TikTok, and maybe I invented China. Maybe I went too far. There's probably a statue of me in Beijing. Konan, the first TikTokeer. All right, what are you doing now? Take your time with the phone, by the way.

Thank you. Well, for some reason, I'm not on the WiFi, so now I'm… Anyway. There's this trend where people are saying who's a male celebrity that they would feel safe alone in a room with. A lot of people are, for some reason, saying you.

Wait a minute. I don't know how to feel about that. Because that just means they see me as what? Not a threat. Not a threat. I want to be thought of as… You what? Well, not as a threat in a bad way, but just like, Oh, I don't know. I might lose control if I was in a room with Conan O'Brien.

They might lose control around you, but that you would not lose control.

Oh, no, I would not lose control. I'm very afraid of any sexual situation. Anyway, so what they're saying is that that's a good thing, right? It's a good one. Women are they would feel safe around me. Well, they should because I'm completely inert. No, I'm not. Come on. No.

I'm just getting around. Watch your ladies, guys. You're going to be in a room with your lady and their pants are going to fall off. Is that what you want?

No, I just think it would be nice. Sometimes if people say... It's like that old thing where a bunch of women in a room and they go, Oh, Konan, you're just one of the girls. You can gab with us. That feels terrible. Then you look down and you're wearing a bikini. Why? Because you put it on because it made you feel like your true self. Wait, what's happening?

You want to be like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. You want the girls to be like, Yeah.

No, I have realistic expectations, or should I say, sex expectations. I have to say that. This is why.

It just came in, no one feels safe anymore.

Just change. Well, ladies, I'm glad you feel safe. Around me because I don't know. I don't know that that's a... But if Brad Pitt got on the elevator, it would be a charged environment, right? Or Austin Butler. The environment would change. What they're saying is if I got in an elevator and Conor O'Brien was on it, there'd be no change in the atmosphere.

Who said elevator?

They just said a room. You just put yourself on the elevator.

You're creating scenarios in your mind.

Yeah, I think that's a common You're on an elevator. Someone else gets on. You want to make sure they feel safe.

You're fantasizing about being in an elevator with Brad Pitt because you want to.

Or Brad Paisley. Or Brad Garrett. It just has to be a Brad. I love- Well, you're saying it's like you're like sexual insulation? Yes. I'm a foam that blocks out and neutralizes any sexual energy. I'm a foam. What on to the next one. What else is going on in TikTok?

It's okay. There's fan accounts. There's this one that pops up a lot. It's called Just Bits and Pieces. They do a lot of compilations of you two and not the band. Sona and I. Yeah. Not the band. They did this one that's like a thirst trap of Konan.

What?

What's a thirst trap?

You'll see in a sec.

Oh, wow. Look at that clip of me from a long time ago.

Oh, this is like they're looking at you in a sexual way.

Yeah, there you go.

Even I'm harassed.

Oh, check you out.

I have a beard and I'm drinking wine.

Hey, at Bits and Pieces.

God. Hey, Bits and Pieces, you got the right idea about Konan O'Brien. That's a guy. I want that guy out there from Bits and Pieces on TikTok. Where do you think he got the...

She got those clips from? They're out there. Yeah.

I know, but- We're online.

You just have to look for them.

That could change my profile a little bit from being sexual insulating foam to a guy who's a real man's man.

I feel like you need to come up with some TikTok trend for people to do.

That's probably a good idea. Do you have any ideas? Because this is not something I'd be good at. Sona, do you have an idea for a TikTok trend?

I mean, aren't the trends a lot like dances or like sound bites? Like sound bites that people talk over and do things with?

I have no idea. I turned to you, Sona, and you don't know what you're talking about.

No, I don't. What about you guys?

Ready.

There's a lot of challenges out there. Remember there was that big thing, the cinnamon challenge, where you took a spoonful of cinnamon. There's a lot of challenges. You could do a challenge, something maybe that you're good at, that you're challenging other people. How about my challenge is to get nine hours of sleep, and then it's just footage of me sleeping for nine hours, but really cool music is playing in the background.

I think that the max you can do is a 10-minute video.

Yeah, but little clips of me at different parts of the night, just getting a good sound nine hours of sleep. The well-rested challenge. That's my challenge, the Cone O'Brien Well-Rested Challenge. Yes. That's what we're going to do. That's what everyone wants. Yeah. Now, watch out for that, ladies? A before and after. You're like, Okay, I'm Aaron Blurt. I'm going to take the Well-Rested Challenge, and then I show clips of me sleeping. Then how do I look after? Am I well-rested? You're glowing? No, you just look well-rested and you say that was very satisfying. That's it. That's it. That's it.

Can you sleep for nine hours?

Not really. I used to be able to, but not anymore. You can't do your own challenge. I know. I wake up a lot in the night and think, why?

That's all the clip is?

You're starting a challenge you can't do yourself.

I'm not going to be able to do it myself. That's why I like this challenge. All right, David, thanks for stopping by. I think you helped. Sona, thank you for always letting me know when a car is going to take me to the airport. Good job.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sona Mufsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at EarWolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.