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Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi. Can you hear us, Pam?

Hey. How are you? Great. I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry. Let's explain to people listening that we've had some technical difficulties. I can't say, was it our end? Was it your end?

We could blame it on me. That's totally fine.

I was going to. Yeah, totally. Our equipment's fine. You screwed this up, I am. But I don't blame you because I'm tech phobic. Also, it might not even be something you did. You might have been have something wrong with the technology over there.

I don't know. I can't explain it, but here I am.

The important thing is you're here. We're all happy. Where are you calling from? Where are you in this wonderful world?

I'm in Farmington, Connecticut.

Where is Farmington?

It's right in the middle of Connecticut, next to Hartford.

I know Connecticut well. I really like Connecticut. That's a good state. Tell us a little bit about yourself. What's your jam? What do you do?

I've lived in Connecticut my whole life. You should get out sometimes.

You should leave occasionally. You know what I mean? Because you should see what a man looks like when he doesn't have a sweater tied around his neck. Because there's a whole thing. I will say.

That's Greenwich, Connecticut. There's a lot of living in Connecticut.

All right. I better step back. I went too far.

No, I was going to say, so I work for Poison Control. Hello. That's my job. Sometimes- I'm fascinated.

I'm serious. I'm not kidding. I'm fascinated by poisons. But you said that you were turned on or something. Well, I'm not going to say I'm not. How about that? I'm very interested in poisons, and this makes me very happy. Pam, tell me about your work with Poison Control. Do you work on a hotline?

Yes. There is a Poison Control number. It's a national number. Should we give it? 1-800-222-1222. Good. That's so easy.

But also that might save a life. You never know. That's cool. Tell us, you're sitting there and you get the call. Tell me these calls?

It really ranges from really anything, like from a kid ate Playdough to intentional overdoses where people are trying to harm themselves or people foraging mushrooms outside and picking the wrong kind and getting sick. It really ranges.

Am I correct that... Okay, I'm going to take a couple of things you said. You said if a kid eats Playdough, that's not so bad, right? If a kid eats a ton of Playdough, that might be an issue. But some Playdough, probably not a problem. Correct.

That's one of our favorite things that we say in toxicology is it depends. Just on the weekends. It very much depends on the size of the person, their past medical history, how much they ate. It depends on so many things. But You're right. Playdough, luckily, tastes bad enough that people don't usually go to town on that. You know what I mean? Why were you asking so much about the Playdough?

I know. Do you eat Playdough?

Let's just say there was a period of time in my youth when I was a child. Last week. My brother Neil tended to get most of the food, and sometimes I had to forage in the arts and crafts area of the third grade. Let's just say I The teacher was like, Where's all this Playdough going? Then your mom at home was like, Konan, why is your poop a rainbow?

Okay.

Oh, Pam. Oh, Pam.

I'm sorry.

Pam. Pam.

Pam. Pam brought it.

I love how you could see her pause between words thinking, Should I? Should I?

Should I?

I'm glad you did.

You went for I'm proud of you. Now my mother knows because she didn't know. What about... I can't believe people would forge for mushrooms and rely on their own ability to tell which is a healthy one and which is one that will kill you. You'll have people call up and say, I was in the woods, I needed some mushrooms. I grabbed a bunch that looked okay, but now I think I'm dying. Do you get those?

Okay. Yes. I will say the ones that usually make the mistake, they're in the hospital at that point. I see. With abnormal labs and then come to find out they had foraged some mushrooms. But then I will occasionally get the caller that's like, I found these mushrooms, and I think they're good to eat, and they're hoping we can identify. Oh my God. Can I eat this? I'm always like, I cannot identify what With 100% certainty. So I would say, Don't eat it. Then we also get little kids that ingest mushrooms as well, which I always think is interesting because I can't get my kids to eat. A mushroom on a good day from the grocery store.

Yeah, my kids still will not eat a mushroom.

Have you tried Playdough?

Yeah, I make them out of Playdough and they gobble them right up. Okay.

He's got the trick.

Most of these things What are the most… I'm just going to come right to the point because I don't know how else to ask this. Is there a poison that you've come across that's untraceable by a coroner? Odorless, tasteless. What's the best of the poisons for… Well, I'm just going to say for murdering. For murdering.

Back in the day, arsenic was the thing, but now they can tell. Now they can. It used to be they couldn't tell, but now they can tell with arsenic. What about ricin?

Remember in Breaking Bad? That was their go-to.

Ricin? That might be a good one. Digitalis?

Oh, so that's interesting. We could test for that as well. You can test for Digitalis? You can, yeah. You would see an elevated potassium level in the blood work, and they'd be like, A cardiac dysrhythmia and a high potassium, you were murdered. I don't know.

That's why I always go back to just cut the break lines. Okay. Because if the car goes off a cliff, it's very hard to tell later on, especially if there's a fire, if the break lines were cut or were they severed in the fire.

Should we be taking an Uber home today?

No, you should both get in your car, Matt, and you should drop because you're both headed pretty much in the same direction. You You know what? You might be running a little late, so I'd go heavy on the gas. Really gun that thing. You'll be all right. Uh-oh. Okay, so do you get calls from people who've ingested too many gummies or whatever. They've done too much of a recreational drug and they're freaking out.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. I had that recently where this guy called for his brother three of his friends, and they had taken a whole bunch of edible marijuana the night before, and they were still feeling super high. It is nice because I can tell them just some things they could do to maybe feel better and maybe save them all a trip to the emergency room, which will save them money and the ER. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Also, what they want then is reassurance, I would guess. I'll tell you a story. I was riding my bicycle not far from my house. I have a mountain bike, and I was going to head up this trail, and I was headed towards the trail. This is a bunch of years ago, but there was a van parked on the side of the road. As I was driving by, I thought I heard, Help me. I wasn't sure, so I doubled back. It was two kids that had parked up there, taken a lot of mushrooms to trip out, and they were freaking out. They They were having a bad trip, and it wasn't going well, and they were freaked out. I had my helmet on and my glasses, so I didn't, and they were totally messed up. They just thought, Oh, this is Joe Blow going by. I said, First of all, I said, Give me your keys, because I was worried they were going to try and drive. I got their keys, and then I just called 911 just to have someone come by because I didn't know what to do. The cops came by and the cops said, Oh, this happens all the time.

Kids come up here all the time to get high, freak out, and we end up coming up here. But they said I could go. Because my helmet and my glasses had come off by then, the cops were chatting me up about, Hey, Konan. I'm like, Oh, hi, guys, whatever. Then they said I could go. I left, and they were just going to stay with the kids till they were okay. But then I later found out that they told the kids that I was the one that they flagged down. That narced them out. That narced them out, yeah. The kids were like, We're going to fuck. No, the kids thought they were- Why are you calling the fuzz, man? No, they didn't get in trouble. They didn't get in trouble. What they did was not illegal, I don't think, especially here in California. You were right to do that, to keep them safe, but you still narced them out. But also I kept the car keys, and later I went back and I took the van and I sold it.

You the brakes.

Then I cut the brakes and I gave it to Gorly.

This summer at Boots, we're with you for whatever the season has in store, whether that's hay fever relief so you can take on a hike without letting the pollen stop you. The latest beauty must haves so you can glam up for a night out and freshen up the next day. Or SPF protection so you can kick back on the beach once the sun shows up. With thousands of lower prices, we're with you for a saving summer. Boots, with you for life.

I got too high once at Disneyland.

At Disneyland?

Yeah, I thought I was...

Was this the time when you thought that the pirates from the Pirates of the Caribbean were going to come out of that fortress and into your boat?

I didn't think they were coming out of the fortress. I thought that we were taking a boat into a battle.

I have an idea. You're right. That's so much longer than the boat. I have an idea. I got so scared. Just to test out what it's like to call the Poison Control. Pam, I'm going to have Sona is calling you right now, and she's going to describe her situation. She's at Disneyland, but She's going to give you all that information. You make the call and you pick up Pam, if you would.

Ring, ring. Hi. Hi. Hello.

I think she would start by saying Poison Control.

Poison Control, this is Pam.

Hi. Hi. Let's try it again. 3, 2, 1. Go, Pam.

Poison control. This is Pam. Can I have your name?

I think it's Sona. I think it's Sona. Right now, I'm at Disneyland. I'm on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ryan Wright.

I can't be completely sure, but I think I'm going into battle, and I'm not prepared for it.

Oh, okay. So is there anything that you've eaten are drinking out of the usual?

I took about 100 milligrams of cannabis edibles.

Okay, yes. That is a lot. That is a lot. Hey, I'm Goofy.

How are you? You want a photo? You want a photo with Goofy? Get the fuck away from me, Goofy. And I'm the real Goofy. Can you believe that impression? That's shit. I'm Goofy that's had some larynx cancer, and I had an operation, and I think it's I'm the one of the other Goofy to make fun of me. We all have our doppelgangers around here. Here's a knockoff Mickey. I've also had problems. I smoked for years. I love Mini Mouse.

Listen, I'm so high. What you're going to want to do? It's just not be in a rise right now.

We're busy over here.

Get a snack.

I sound like Harry Carey now. You're probably hungry, right?

I'm so hungry. I've already eaten seven personal pan pizzas, and I just feel like I just need to eat more.

That's okay. Yeah, you can have a snack. You need to just go somewhere, not a ride, get a snack, drink fluids, and you're going to feel better in a couple of hours. You will.

All right. Can I sleep on this park bench?

If Disney will allow it, that's another question.

If Disney will allow it, the answer is usually no. No.

You're a Goofy impression. I'm sorry. What the fuck was that?

I told you that was a guy who played Goofy successfully for a while and sounded It's not accurate. Then I'm sorry, he had a large nodule in his larynx, which that turned out not to be benign, and they removed it. Why is he still working at Disney? He needs to eat. This is what he does. Hey, and you try firing someone from their job because they had cancer surgery Okay? No, Disney did the right thing. They said you could still be Goofy.

None of the Goofy's talk in the part.

This one insists on it because he's trying to make a little extra dough so he can help pay off the operation.

I'm Goofy.

Don't smoke. Hey, kids, don't smoke. Why is Goofy telling? I'm Canadian. I'm from Ottawa, yeah. Don't smoke. Pam, this got real Keep it real fast. I'm going to say some things, first of all. I love her manner. She was very, you would calm me down. I think I have a tendency, I'm compulsive. I either don't eat or I eat. Sona will back me up on this. I eat compulsively. I'll shove a whole pizza into my face. I could see myself calling Pam just to say, I just ate half of a Harrington's ham and I drank three Guinness and need to be talked down. I wouldn't take a poison, but I would do the Irish thing of stuffing way too much bad stuff into my face.

You're going to call Poison Control and be like, Can I please talk to Pam?

Get me Pam, or I don't talk to anyone, and if I die, it's your fault. Yeah. Do you have an extension, Pam? Yeah, Pam, how do I make sure I just get you? I do, but they go off of where your zip code is, so you guys would get the California.

They're the worst. But they're all lovely there.

Hey, man, nothing I haven't smoked. Hey, man. No, I'm telling you, I really think I'm dying. Hey, man, we all move on to the next plane. I don't want to call the California Poison Control. That's a pretty good Goofy. That's my Goofy. Hey, man, Chew. Donald Duck, he's a cool cat.

I will say that we are at Poison Control. Part of the job is being level-headed despite whatever, because people call in very, very nervous. Job number one is to be like...

Be calm. Yeah. But also exude calm because on a serious note, if people are worked up, they're probably processing whatever they ingested more quickly. People have to be calm and think. That's why I'm I'm sincerely think you have a great manner. You have a great personality for this. You talk to Sona when she was high. She was at Disney World, Disneyland, and she was being attacked by several goofies, three of them that had had some tracheal surgery, and you handled it like a pro. I thought you did amazingly well. Thanks. How many kids do you have? Two. Two. Two. They're twins. How often do you use your poison control expertise with your own kids? Twins. You have twins? A lot. Sona has twins. Oh, you do?

I do. I think it's exciting. I think I do remember.

How old are your twins?

They are going to be eight in August.

Oh, my God. Okay. You're further down the road. Sona's are only almost three.

They're going to be three in July.

That's a rough age for sure. Yeah. I feel it gets I just have to. How soon.

But there's that age where they just eat anything. They just swallow anything.

They're in opposite directions. It was convenient. When they were three, I knew what to worry about and what not to. Now that my kids are older, they're in second grade, I tell them because I get school nurse calls, too, of like, dares and kids, it's their job to be stupid, and they just do really dumb stuff. I just tell the kids, don't. They have these really spicy chips that kids eat to see who could handle the spiciest thing. I'm like, Don't do it. Just say no.

Yeah, but the problem is I'm a full-grown, full-ass I'm a mature adult, and I went on hot ones. I went out of my way to ingest as much poison as I could just because I thought it would be funny. I am no more mature than a four-year-old boy.

But it was funny.

Oh, I got my laughs.

Yeah, I think it was worth it. It was worth the physical made. It was worth it for me.

Me, I enjoyed it. As long as you laughed, I'm happy.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Yeah, sometimes the trade-off might be worth it. I guess you got to weigh that, but you know.

Well, Pam, you are a, so funny, poison control person, but you're a ray of sunshine, which is... You really are. You really are. Yeah, it's very nice talking to you. I am going to request you. I've been a big fan for a long time. I'm going to Request you when I call.

You're going to travel to her city to take poison.

Here's what I'm going to do. No, I'm going to take the poison accidentally. When you- Realize, Uh-oh, this is a problem. Immediately book a flight to New York. I have a car waiting that will drive me to Southington, Connecticut. Then from there, I will call, and I will say, I will only speak to Pam, and they'll say she doesn't work Thursdays. Then Then Pam, I'm coming to your house. All right. So nice talking to you.

Yeah, so nice talking to you, too. Take care. All right. Take care, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Cessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our Supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with EarWolf.

This summer at Boots, we're with you for whatever the season has in store, whether that's hay fever relief so you can take on a hike without letting the pollen stop you. The latest beauty must haves so you can glam up for a night out and freshen up the next day. Or SPF protection, so you can kick back on the beach once the sun shows up. With thousands of lower prices, we're with you for saving summer. Boots, with you for life.

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