What's up, my lesbians? Welcome back to episode one. What episode is this?

1:79?

What's up, my lesbians? Welcome to episode 1:79. This week, we just got the boys.

Wait, why did you start it off.

Like that? What do you mean? I'm an ally? One. Sounds like you're not two.

God damn it.

The dog is eating the pillow immediately. Handsome? Handsome?

Cut it out.

You need to stop doing that right now. Cut the fuck out.

He's so good up until the moment that we hit record and then just he wants all hell to break loose. Wait, he was good this morning.

You don't know what he did.

Wait, what did he do this morning?

He came on to me in a sexual manner.

He started.

Doing dog style. You know the thing about dogs is? The thing about dogs was wild. If we're all hanging out, we're the boys. Alyssa is out of town. She's with her family. But when the boys are hanging out and the dog's a boy, I don't think any of you guys think about having sex with me at all.

B, I think you're correct in that assumption.

Well, Schuyler-We got wandering eyes to my right.

I've thought about it.

But you haven't just...

You would ask. You've never acted on it. Oh, no.

I'm not a heavy sleeper, though. Yeah, are you? I knew he was there.

The whole time. And you just let it happen?

I don't want to embarrass him, man.

You couldn't feel it anyway.

I've always made some intro music, and we reset our minds that, Oh, with no girl here, it is going to get to Taneis. Who's that wonderful girl? Could she be any cuter? November 30th, everyone that is a part of our Patreon is either going to get an Xbox, a chance to get an Xbox, Nintendo Switch, Apple headphones, Amazon gift card, merch, just a ton of stuff, brothers and sisters. Jared's Boxers. Jared's Boxers. He'll sign them. He'll leave a little stain on them for you. That's our Thanksgiving thank you to you. Make sure to become a patron member. Also, you get the episodes early. You get a live Q&A each month. You get a drunk episode each month. You get 20 to 30 minutes of extra footage after every podcast.

-a private discord?

-a private discord. Dude, there's so much stuff if you're not a part of it. Also, we have a tight commit. Also, we have a tight... Also, we have a tight knit community. So a lot of people are like, communicating with other people. Some people are finding jobs just from being part of the discord.

How nuts is that? Some people are finding lifelong friends.

Some people are finding love, and it's me. Anyway, welcome to The Dropout.

You know, it's funny you brought up the stained underwear because.

-would you do a blood or PE?

-a work? -why? -why?

-why? -why would it be either of those?

-don't say the C-word this early.

Into a podcast. Seaman.

Yes. Yes. Ed Sheeran donated a bunch of his clothes to this charity auction. Some of them were his boxers and stuff. I had carrot stains all over it. People are warning the buyers of the underwear that there are some skid marks in some of these boxers.

If you're playing, like I'veplaying a two-hour show.

Oh, dude, it's got to.

Happen twice. Would you rather him kill the entire flow and go use the bathroom? And he looks like a guy that could take a long week. Or would you rather him stay there, stay in the pocket? Maybe he discharges a little bit from the old back, Coochie. But you hear your lovely song.

That happens. It's not uncommon for... We're all adults here. We can say people shit their pants sometimes.

Yeah? When's the last time you shit your pants? Been a minute.

What was the story?

I have shit my pants once in my adult life.

Okay, let's hear it, man.

It was about two years ago.

What happened? Very much in your.

Adult life. I was interning at this law clinic, and I don't drink coffee, and I drink, I don't know if I drink a coffee or drink a Red Bull, something with a lot of caffeine in the morning, and I was a little hungover, and I was doing a bunch of nicotine.

By the end of the... Dude, it's just a recipe. And I drank some pepto.

By the end of the... By the time I got done with the clinic, I was like, Oh, my stomach's a little messed up. I'll use the bathroom right home. It wasn't anything urgent. I get food on the way home, I take one bite of it, and I'm like, Nope, you don't... I started feeling immediately really bad. I was like, Oh God, I don't feel good. I didn't eat the food. I get to my apartment, and to get into my apartment complex, you had to scan yourself in for the gate. I reached out to scan, and I farted. It wasn't a fart.

It wasn't a fart.

It was full, and I was dressed pretty nice because I'd been in this clinic. Did you fill up the diaper? I threw all my clothes away.

Did you fill.

Up the diaper? I filled up everything. It was a nightmare.

Was it solid? No, no, no, no, no.

No, no. Was it? It was like a baby poop. It was a nightmare.

I.

Was sick. I think I had COVID after that.

Speaking of COVID.

That has COVID. Had COVID.

Yeah.

I'm over it. I can tell from your nasal.

Voice that you're over it. Hey, man. I'm just saying. Maybe I'm just developing whatever Jared's got over there that allows him not to breathe. But apparently COVID can affect demigods, which I didn't know. I thought I was in the clear. It can affect people of good nature. It can affect people that help the poor and that are kind because I got it. I thought it would affect more people that should be dead, Jared. What?

Why should I be dead? First of all, how are you a demigod? Which God is your father?

Joe.

Joe?

He made it rain from the skies. He was an F-15 pilot.

So he was like an Old Testament God.

I don't think you're contributing anything to society and be better if you're six feet under. If we had to be honest.

Say that again. All I have to do to breathe normally is just go get a surgery.

I can't have both of you guys breathing this way because I wouldn't be able to hear the TV.

Oh, that is true. Usually you're like, All right, if he's sitting on your right, all right, I got to sacrifice my right ear. I won't be able to hear the audio this way, but at least my left is clear because Zach's breathing like an angel. But now I got whatever you got, and I realize that you shouldn't be alive. What do you contribute to society? Give it to me.

Happiness and joy. -noto tell you?

No, specific, sweetheart.

I produced this podcast, and that brings a lot of people.

I've seen some hate comments. I've seen some people that say, Yeah, if this wasn't in the world, it would be a better place. I don't want to be in the world.

Yeah. I mean, you can't please everybody. How does it feel?

I've come pretty close to pleasing everyone.

I think Zach faked COVID to get out of hanging out with his family.

Whoa, hot day. You know what? I could see that. Because he didn't seem that sick, to be honest.

Are you kidding me? His parents left, his mom left and his family left yesterday morning.

Very few times in my life have I been able to hear your parents did something collectively, and it felt so good. You should.

Have corrected that. I know, yeah. That's my bad. Your parents minus your father-Thank you. -left yesterday morning. He was down here all day yesterday. We stayed up last night till 2:00 AM watching Square Games, the reality show.

It's fantastic. Is it really?

It.

Really helped us fast.

We didn't realize that. I feel like the first 20 minutes, we were like, We don't know if we're going to... By the end of episode one, man, we were-You were in. We were in deep. We've established favorites.

We've just established-A lot of my favorites are gone.

We've established perisocial enemies.

Yeah, a lot of our favorites are gone. We don't want to bring up numbers because we don't want to spoil it for you, but there's a gentleman who deserved justice.

In that show. I'll say this, I know they don't give out... -consolidations. -emes or TV. -emes. -emes or.

Tv awards.

They don't give out EMEs, I don't think, for reality shows.

They don't?

I don't know. But there's a -You know we don't know. There's a gentleman on the second episode. -he deserves that. -on the cookie cutter episode is the best character I've ever seen. Really? He's the funniest guy in the world.

He's the.

-it's the funniest thing.

-tyrion Lannister of reality TV.

This guy just not Tyrian Lannister.

He steals the screen. Oh, okay.

I thought you meant-Yeah, I thought you meant-His personality is nothing.

Like that. This guy was traumatized.

From the cookie cutting?

He was like throwing up.

He was balling his eyes out, throwing up.

What? He was one of the people that had to pick. They sent four people in to decide who got what shape. Okay. They were like, Whatever you do, don't get the umbrella. He was like, I got you. He went in there and he tried to shut off the Alpha in the room. He was like, No, you're going to listen to me. Then he got put on the cookie cutter and he cried.

He immediately went to the umbrella-The umbrella, yeah. -everybody's just like, Shut up. He's just crying. Then his whole team walks in because his whole team has to do whatever one he's on. Then I'll just look at him. You fucked us. He's crying. Then some guy walks by him and he goes, You're an idiot. And the whole time he's cutting his cookie out or trying to survive, he is-Dry heaving. -he's dry heaving. Every time someone gets eliminated because they cracked their cookie, he just, Bmm, and he just...

What? He was the same guy. He was the same one, right? There was this guy sitting two feet from him, and you heard a crack, and he just leans over and looks. He just looked at him until he gets shot.

The guy just shakes his head. But the craziest thing about the show is, well, obviously, Square Game, when you die in the show, you die.

In real life, yeah.

-in this one, you don't die, obviously.

Could you imagine Netflix is just mass murdering people?

The.

Producers-some of them do need to die.

Oh, really? I don't think so. They have a machine on their chest. It's almost like a paintball hits them and it explodes.

There's a word for it, but squibb. A squibb, like they use in Hollywood for fake blood.

Squibb games.

Squibb games.

Squibb is squibb-ersen, so it'll explode on you. Then I guess the producers tell people if you do that to fall over. It's just like the most... Because they're so mad and they're like, I just lost out on like 4.6.

4.7 million dollars. I think it's something like that.

Million dollars. And then they just go and they know that they have to do it for the producers and they're just...

It's.

So funny.

Dude, how demoralizing is that you just lost out on probably the most money that I think any game show is giving away. And then you just have to pretend like you're dead.

I would pitch a fit.

I'd start popping other.

People's squibs. Some of.

Them-i would do that too, yeah. I'm not about just punching people's stuff.

Some of the things you can win, so as a player, you can win and then you get to eliminate someone else in front of everybody. And it gets dicey. There are opinions thrown around in people's minds that I'm sure the Lord wouldn't like to hear.

Do they have talking head interviews with people.

On the side? Well, it's not really. I think they do some pre-interviews. They're asking questions. They're no normal close then. They don't really have a bunch of asides of them.

Oh, like in the actual game?

Yeah. It's more like conversations between just players. But it's been really good. I think we just finished the fifth episode. I know we started the fifth episode. Oh, yeah, we would do because they do a really good job of ending on the fifth episode. They'll hook you. That's what fucked.

Us last night. It's just cliffhangers galore. Every time.

We really just wanted to watch one last night, and I think we're going to head to bed. But, man, after they'll hit you with a cliffhanger, and it's almost like they're putting a gun to your head like, You're going to watch the next episode. And we did. We watched four.

How long are.

The episodes? Like an hour.

Like an hour. Oh, damn.

Yeah, it was like 2:00 AM.

There is a lot of fluff where it's like, This can be cut. But the end, you have to at least watch 10 minutes of the next episode. And then you're in.

Yeah, and then you watch 10 minutes.

Because then you're so close to the next game. You're like, Oh, they're about to start the next game. We have.

To watch. Yeah, we have to watch that. And then the hook comes back and we're in for the next one.

We're part of the what game? The gumbag game?

I thought it.

Was gangbu.

Gangbu gang. Is it gungbu?

Something like that.

Gangbu gang. Anyway.

That's our.

Affiliate tribe. I did see a TikTok.

If you're watching a SQUID game, good.

I saw a TikTok from a girl where she was explaining, she was on the show, and she was explaining how the Red Light, Green Light game took hours to film, like eight hours.

I told you that's why that girl got out in the first one because she-There's a girl. There was a girl she got called squatting. When the thing turned around, she was in a squat pose.

You're not allowed to do that?

No, you can, but you can't move. It was only like a 30-second thing, but she was like, I can't do this anymore.

It seems like she couldn't do a squat for 15 seconds, but really she's probably toted for.

Like an hour. For like.

An hour. 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, my God. Anyway, for the people that aren't watching squid Game, let's get back to COVID.

Oh, yeah, fake COVID.

-have you seen my Flemm?

No. You have had phlegm for the last two months, and you show me every time you hack up Louis.

I didn't think you bring that up.

Why would I not?

This one has darker colors in it.

Blood? Yeah.

Probably because you've just torn your throat apart from having sex. Having sex? Heaving it up with Skyler at night when he doesn't know that you're awake.

That wouldn't cause throat blood, I can promise you. No, no, no.

It wouldn't even reach my molars. Uvula. I thought it was Uvula.

What's Uvula?

That's the thing in the back of your throat.

What's a Uvula then?

You're thinking of.

Like Ugu. No, I'm not thinking of Ugu. It's a Pokemon, guys. I would never bring that up. Is it a.

Uvula or is it a Rougala?

What is that? Jamaica. I want it. I want to take you to Bermuda.

Bahama. Come on, Jared.

Come on, Pretty Mama. Stay on tone, Jared. There we go.

There we go.

Anyway, if your family is coming in town and you want to have your own space, I do suggest an illness. It is one of the best ways to be like.

I got to go take a nap. How much can we want to talk about the families?

I think we should stray away. What's another topic that we could have?

I wanted to bring this up in the beginning when you're talking about handsome trying to assert dominance over you. My niece was in town and she.

Was-oh, he wasn't trying to.

Well, he did a little bit. But she.

Was-he's not a pedophile.

She was laughing. And she was like, My dogs do that to each other. The one dog will always jump on the other one's back and do this. And it's like they're working out. It was just the most innocent thing I've ever seen. You would.

Unequivocally give the worst head.

Oh, a hundred %. There's no.

Denying that. Can you hide your... Imagine that thing. What do you look like? What do you mean? Do that again?

Someone's going to edit that with a dick going in.

My mouth. We don't have to edit it. Let's cut to a clip. No, definitely, Muppet, adjacent when.

You hide your teeth. No, you're not. You're beautiful.

It doesn't have to be beautiful, but-You're handsome. You know what I mean?

Ventrilequist?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you saying I look like a dummy?

A puppet. A puppet. Not a dummy.

Not a dummy. A puppet. To a puppetree.

I don't know what's worse. To a puppetree.

Feels good to have the boys just.

Here, huh? There's an energy here.

There seems to be less drama in the house.

More dishes. The house is a lot more dishes. The house is dirty.

We do sacrifice dishes, but we gain less drama, which is nice.

I think we'd all take.

That deal. It's all a nice sacrifice. We should get to the dishes, though.

We should. It was a nice thing. It was fun with everyone's family being here. I was earlier, but it was fun with everyone being here, but it's such a relief when everyone leaves.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just feel like you have to be on 24/7 when you have.

Guests over. Look at Handsom. He thinks he has to have sex with everyone to make him happy. He doesn't want to do that.

Also, my step-sister, who's a vet, says that he needs his balls chopped off because he has a higher risk of prostate cancer.

Why would I trust the woman that wouldn't even look me in the eyes? She's a vet.

Well, because she went to school for it, and that's what she.

Actively does. She didn't cut them off.

What is she going to use?

A steak knife? Are we supposed to get rid of Arnots?

I mean, if you... I already did. You did? I took them off at 13. That seems deeply traumatic for you.

Are you okay? It's okay.

It's no kids.

Are you okay with that?

I'm sad, but it's okay.

Was it a choice? I didn't.

Get a choice. He taught a bunch of rubber bands around my pause.

How did she get you down? I feel like at 13, you could have maybe put up.

A fight. My sister held my ankle. Oh, my gosh. Family affair. My brother sat on my chest.

They're going to see your face.

But his dick was in my face from where he was sitting.

How long did it take for them to fall off? Sixteen minutes.

That's it? Well, they used a serrated blade as well.

I feel like that did the.

Heavy lifting. Yeah.

And they carterized it with cigarettes. My grandmother was smoking. Shout out, Mimi.

She was still alive then?

She was alive then.

Was there a reason for this? Were you handsome and just hump in everything?

I was hump in everything inside.

I'd cut your balls off too. You're hump in family? Hump in family, hump.

In furniture, humping food. That was the big thing. Food cost was through the roof.

Once you giz on a butternut squash-.

You lose your balls.

-and you lose the squash.

I.

Suppose.

You're asking me, I.

Would have- The dogs are going to the SC Championship yet again for a third time. We don't want to say that. We don't want to talk about Georgia football. I know, but we're going to spend the day on Saturday at Barney's Greenery in Burbank.

Why not go to Barney's Greenery?

You said yourself that the Barney's Greenery in West Hollywood would suck to watch a football game at, though.

I like the in Burbank.

Schuyler was saying they've got a whole.

Theater there. Yes, it is nice to watch games.

It's just a nicer place to be. It's quiet. It's the great American Barsley. There it is.

That's what we've been looking for this whole time.

But-zach Bryan told me that.

I feel like us three as single men, that's our watering hole for finding potential labia.

But the game is at one o'clock in the afternoon. Nobody's going to be at the one in West Hollywood.

I didn't know what time the game was going to be. Oh, okay, can I propose something? No. Sorry, go ahead. We watched the game there. Go to the other one.

We're talking about an all day drunk affair.

Yeah, the dog. I'll do it.

I'll do it for the dogs.

I twist my arm.

Dogs win or lose are going to be hammered.

Yeah, 100 %. Do you think I'll be more drunk if they win or if they lose? If they lose, definitely. But what's going to happen is- You're going to.

Be a real.

Sour boy. I won't be sour.

We won't want to go out with.

Him if they lose. I won't be sour because it's been, I'll say this, it's been the pleasure of my life watching us win these last two national championships. Because we sucked, we didn't suck, but we never won one since 1980. So I'm content, but I will be hammered because it was going to happen. If the game is close, I'll talk myself into being like, a shot will really swing the momentum in our favor.

Oh, so.

You're doing- And then it'll just be that. If the.

Dog score, shot. I saw this drinking game. It's a card game, and it's like every third down conversion, you take a drink or something like that, and then you get points based on how many of your cards happen.

I don't think he's going to need any cards if he's consuming alcohol.

No, I'm not saying he needs it, but it would be fun to play a game on top of the game.

What's your favorite drinking game? Do you have one?

Not really, no. Just the classic beer pong is fun. There's another one that's called Boom or something like that. That's a good time. I've never.

Heard of Boom.

It's got a bunch of different names. I'm sure you've heard of it of a different name, but you're bouncing a ball in a cup and you have to pass it to the next person.

Oh, Slap Cup?

Yeah.

That's what we call it. There's two cups going around, and then there's a bunch of cups in the middle.

It's the best game. I thought of it as RageCage.

Ragecage, that's another.

Name for it. I call it Slap Cup. You play it and if you're bouncing it, and you can only slap the person to your left. So if you make it and they haven't made theirs, you can slap it. They have to pick a cup up out of the middle, drink it, and then start playing in that cup. And when you make it, you can pass your cup anywhere.

If you make it the first time-.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get someone caught in just a time warp of drinking.

Because like- Oh, God, I've been in a few of those time warps, and it's fucking brutal.

Whirlwind of just nasty beer.

When we go out to a watering hole of young people, both male and female, are you guys head on a swivel looking for.

A woman? No, especially at Barney's. It's way too busy in there to be talking to anybody.

It's way too loud. It's way too busy.

I can't even talk to Jared, and we're sitting two feet from each other.

Yeah. And then it takes for fucking ever to get a drink. I don't even start feeling social enough to talk to anybody until I'm at least three drinks in. And it takes a goddamn hour and a half to.

Get that. Again, it's so loud. Let's say you're a girl, and I'd be like, Hey, excuse me. Excuse me. Hello? Hey. I'm mid-wave, and then you see me and you're like, Why is this guy coming on to us so hard.

Hi. Do we go to school together?

No, I just moved here.

Oh.

Great.

From Georgia. I moved here from Georgia. Great.

Georgia, the country. What are you doing here? Are you having fun? What? Are you having fun?

I'm here with my girls. We're having so much fun.

All right. Have a good night. Thank you.

Thank you. That is my worst nightmare. That is just an anxiety riddled situation right there. Just trying to talk to somebody that doesn't want to talk to you and then they can't hear you on top of that, hate it.

So where do you go to talk to women? If you have to go somewhere.

-he doesn't.

Yeah, I don't. -playing parent.

-geeze, Louise. Where should we meet these women then?

A less busy bar. What? Like the Barnays and Burbank.

And that's where we'll be on Saturday.

Yeah, just fucking docs where we're going to be.

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A lot, I'm assuming.

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That'd be pretty.

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Thank you, EveryPlate, for sponsoring this episode. There's not really any young people that were there last time we went. It was just all older people.

That's the best place to drink.

I keep trying to tell people this. That's the most fun. We're not talking about drinking. I'm specifically talking about finding mates.

I'm not trying to find a mate with the game on, brother.

My question was, where do we go to find mates?

And I said, Planned Parenthhood. Confidently. I need a.

Serious sense. That's a.

Terrible church.

You don't go to church.

I'm going to start going.

Don't.

Cut that. My mom's going to hear that. And I do go when I'm not scheduled to work at the bar. That was my big excuse. I'm scheduled on Sundays. I can't go.

What's your excuse? No.

I'm scheduled on Sundays.

Oh, technically, yes.

You're Sorry, mom, I can't be at church at Sunday.

It's well after when church.

Would be... What time is it?

It is noon.

No, church would just be getting out.

So you missed it today.

Because of this, I would have been there. I had my suit laid, not my suit, but my clothes laid out.

You promised that? Obviously, we're.

Talking about-I'm not trying to have fun with my girls.

Okay. Sorry. I guess.

In all seriousness-Can.

That be our new thing where people are trying to talk to us. I'm just trying to have fun with my girls. It's a girls' night.

In all seriousness, I guess my perfect place to meet somebody or talk to people would be at a house party.

I'll say this. I like the mustache on you, Jared.

You like the mustache? I'm trying.

Something new. I like it. It looks good. It's got like a Conquisadour-type vibe to it.

Does it? My parents hated it.

But they're not one of the fellas.

They're not one of the fellas. And also, Tara said that I should try doing-What did.

You just say?

What? Tara? Hello?

You just said Tara's name, and I was literally calling her. Are you serious? Yeah. Wait, what is happening? You're on the podcast. Don't worry about it. What's a good place? Okay, so this is the dilemma. Okay. So we go to Barney's, and sometimes we're looking for a mate, you know? But Jared thinks that's too intimidating of a place to talk to a woman.

It's just too busy and too loud. It's too busy.

And too loud. Too busy, too loud. What are some genuinely good places girls would like to be hit on that Jared could maybe? And Skyler?

And Zach?

I can do Barney.

Zach cleans up at Barney.

I was going to say I feel like Barney is the best place to go because I feel like you go there to.

Get hit on. Okay, so now that.

We know- Wait, so I'm allowed to have my dick out in Barney.

Well, you can't have your weiner out.

Also, wait, question, why was my name being mentioned before you called me?

That's scary. Because I told, was it we're talking about the mustache?

Yeah, you told me the other night when we were all at your house that I should go down to just the mustache, and I did that. And he's done that. And Schuyler was saying.

That he likes it. I can't wait to see that.

Watch it on Tuesday.

Watch it on Tuesday.

Okay, places to go to hit on girls.

I'd say a little differently. I don't know.

Fine. To get on an adult women.

An adult women.

I want to say honestly, Barney's because it's just like a place where we would go and get on.

Honestly.

I've never been more hit on in my life than when I go to Barney's.

Yeah, but are you receptive to it there? That's the question.

Yeah.

Okay, so she's receptive.

Schuyler, it sounds like we got a nut up.

Okay. No, don't say that. I just have.

To grow some balls.

Oh.

Yeah.

I just said.

She didn't hear about my life story when I was 13.

Okay, question. Could you then come with us and be a wing woman of sorts?

Sure. I'm great at wing woman-ing.

What's your plan?

My plan? Yeah, okay.

Jared sees a woman over there who he wants to gobble her up, and he's like, But I'm too nervous to talk. How do you get him in there?

I think the best way to do it is just go and compliment something. Compliment something she can control, right? So you can't compliment something she was born with. Maybe like, Oh, I like the way you.

Did your hair. You have the fattest... Okay, an outfit. Something that she had to do herself.

Okay. Here's the move. Sometimes you compliment something and then just walk away. What do you think about that?

If someone did that, I would definitely be like, Oh, why did he do that? I'm a.

Little interested.

At the same time be like, Oh, they were just complimenting me to compliment me and then.

Walking away. Yeah, but you come back later. Now you've piqued the interest.

What if I compliment... Then I compliment and I leave, but I do it, I walk backwards and I'd never break eye contact until I'm out of the room.

I know that could work, but that could also be really creepy.

I get that. But it's mysterious.

What if.

There's a moon? I like the complimenting and then walking away, but it's not foolproof.

You know what I mean? What about this move when you're hitting on a girl? You go up to her and you say, Hey, there's someone in here that I'm really attracted to, but I'm a little scared to talk to her. I don't know how to approach a woman. What's the best thing to say? They tell you, you walk around the bar and come back and tell them that exact same thing.

I'd be like, Fuck yeah. That's awesome.

All.

Right, we got the move. We're going to be drowning in that coochie.

Anyway. I don't know about that.

Well, love I meant. Well, thank you for your time here.

Of course. I didn't know I was on the podcast today. Am I going to get residual tax for this?

You are going to get three winner pictures. You got to pick who's is whose.

Oh, my God. What a fun game.

Yeah. All right. Anyway, we've got to go do push-ups, so we'll talk to you later.

Okay, bye.

And other strength stuff. We've got to lift heavy stuff. Bye. Okay, Zach. Okay, bye. And eat meat. Bye. She's so in.

Yeah, you really got her with the eating meat and lifting heavy stuff.

Oh, dude, I could hear through the phone. She had to change her pants. Now we know.

That's a great move, though, because then-.

Can I ask a question? You come.

Back around and she's just, Oh, no.

This isn't attackatory.

You can attack me.

It seems like it's going to be a little attackatory.

It's not attackatory.

You're.

About to attack me. No, there's no attacking. Is it fair? Fair is maybe not the right word. You don't drink, right? So going to Barney's, sober, hitting on women that are drinking, is it weird? What are we out with there? I'm just asking where.

Are we out with that? You're trying to pay me out to be something else. You're trying to reverse Cosby me. I know what you're trying to do. So you get all the women to your.

Drunk self. No, I'm just asking, is it fair?

This is all I'm going to think. I think you guys have to drink to get to a level where you can socially speak.

To people. No, God, no. Socially speaking to you right now, brother.

No, women.

I can talk.

To-who are you going to call?

His sister.

He's some random person on my phone.

He's going to call your mom.

Wait, really? I should call a woman and then you speak to her on my phone.

I've done that before.

What do you mean?

What? You'd call me all the time when I was in Atlanta. You'd have some random person have to be like, Hello.

See? And that's not cordial.

I always pretend like I'm deaf.

Is that work?

I just start.

Signing them. And then they can't say no, at least.

They don't really know what.

I'm saying. And then once you have them in your bed.

I can speak. No, no, no, no, no, no. I can speak.

What? That seems not right.

Yeah, that's not right. But it would be funny if that's what you did. You didn't say a word until you finished. And then you're like, What to do?

I'm back. Oh, thank goodness. You broke the spell. She's like, What? I'm in a fairy tale?

I think we should start caring around like crystals with us.

Girls.

Love.

That. I know. That's the thing. We've got to look.

At them. -we've got to have some rose quartz. That's what.

We need. What is something I can-Glitter?

-that are like rose petals or something.

Rose petals, they're going to get damaged in your pocket. So essentially, you want to add wonder to the conversation when.

You're speaking to-Maybe just like an Italian conditioning mix.

Something like that, like garlic. Everybody loves garlic. And in.

Case.

There's -Just a hardy oregano.

Also, it's just garlic powder.

But there's also two implications. Not implications. There's two methods of use because they love the smell, they're attracted to you because Italians are hot. And two, if they're a vampire, they melt immediately. Oh, and then you don't want to date a vampire?

I wouldn't want to date a vampire. Got them. Yeah, we're going to get a lot of this stuff. Being a vampire would be sick.

That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't mind dating a vampire if they could turn me.

Eternal, Jared? They can't turn you straight, Jared.

That's not what I was saying.

Eternal, Jared? Yeah, that would be sick. Yeah, I would hate knowing that.

You'd be your friend.

That's why the world would end. Oh, my goodness. The thing about people always want to be vampires, but they're just... Have you ever been the most hungry you've ever been? They're constantly that. It's got to be a lot to live with.

Didn't the Colons get around that by eating or drinking.

Animal blood? No, that was to survive.

That doesn't satiate you, I don't think. I think it's just more of a... Yeah, it's.

A survival thing. Yeah, I mean, they have to have blood, I feel like, to be mobile and move. But because if not, I think you're still alive.

But.

You just wilt. And you're very hungry. Okay, yeah. I'd be a were wolf.

Sounds way worse.

Why?

A were wolf? Yeah. Dude, you turn into a dog.

You get automatic abs.

And hair everywhere. And your clothes rip every time you're transformed.

No, no, no fucking... What's his name? Sirius Black. Okay, you're going with the Harry Potter were wolf? And Loopus? I thought we were going with the Twilight lore.

I've never watched them.

You've never seen Twilight?

Let's go with the real ones. This is what I think. You get stretchy enough pants. The Hulk was able to keep his pants on.

That's a good point.

That was more than fuck up.

That wasn't the part. Yeah, that wasn't. Well, imagine he's got the hammer out. He could take out down buildings with that thing. You think the Hulk's circumcised?

I don't think so. I think Bruce Banner's circumcised, but.

The whole- It is not.

It grows. Yeah. That's the most painful part of the transformation.

Giant, Aunt Eater. Oh, no, man. If we were a superhero team, leader.

But first of all, I'd to fuck off.

He's just a guy that has a bow.

And arrows. The Hawky is pretty sick.

Compared to what? Iron Man? Iron Man would fuck.

Up Hawky. Is that who you want me to be?

You can be.

Iron Man. Can I say why I should be Iron Man?

Yeah.

Do you know why I should be Iron Man? Because when we were in school, we did what? We made websites.

Oh, and you made an Iron Man.

I made an Iron Man website. You don't remember that? That was a big deal. I added the song.

I remember we used to add music to those. That was the biggest. We'd make these shitty websites. Just terrible. We would spend hours finding the right song to put on there when people would open the website.

I was really into it. I would download the code and take it home and code when I was at home.

Are you fucking nerd?

Hey, dude. Hawkeye is over here. Steped out of place.

I'll blast you. Also in that... We were in a class together. We were in yearbook.

You guys were in yearbook?

This is what we.

Were doing. Yearbook was the.

Best class to be in.

You just hung out.

We made one senior page a piece maybe, which is probably the most work you would have to do. But most of the time we would be like, Hey, professor, we need to more shots. So we would just walk around with the camera.

Oh, so you would just do nothing.

All day? All day. My big thing is she kept on asking me to do a new page. It's like, You need to do this new page. And I'd be like, I made the cover. And when I say it is the worst cover, it is the.

Ugliest cover. -which one was the one with the B cut out?

-no, no, no. It's the space one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Do you still have these yearbooks or have.

Pictures of them? I have them all. Mine's upstairs.

We're going to have to find them after this so I can throw in pictures.

It was 2014.

Was that the last senior year?

Yeah, so I made that yearbook cover, and it was cool for the time.

It was like Blackish, Grayish. It had Saturn rings.

Or something on it. No, it was just like Spacey. It had a triangle. It had Roman numerals instead. I thought it was being really cool, like streetwear of 2014, which was the ugliest thing that you've ever seen. What did you get? Most spirited?

Something like that. Most spirited, most talented, maybe.

I don't think you got most talented, brother.

I think I got the most talented.

Talented for what?

I don't know. I was up for two things, and I had to pick one, and I picked I think I picked most talented. I don't think I was going to win the other one.

I won the other one.

No, I wasn't. What did you got? It was Wittius? No, it wasn't Wittius. It was-No, it wasn't.

He was up for Wittius because I remember him coming in into my room. I remember you looking at me and saying, I'm dropping out of Wittius. You're like, I just think I have a better chance of this other thing.

We're going to do that. Maybe that's right then. I don't know. Dude, also in that class, once a year, we would have to go and try and sell ads for the yearbook. They were like, You have.

To get us. Which means, so the back of the yearbook, there were ads that local businesses could take out to help cover the cost of the yearbook. We would go out to local businesses, just us.

Just high schoolers begging for money.

Did we sell any? No. I think we may have sold one to someone we knew.

I didn't sell one.

We spent the day riding around. She came back, she was like, Did you all get anything? We're like, I was desolate out there. I don't know if we went to a store.

I was just excited to ride around with Haley all day because she was attractive.

I think we ate at New Beijing that day.

We had ourselves a day. We had a real day. We didn't do anything we needed to do. It was wild that they just let us out of school to Rome. Like, you guys need to get out there and you guys need to sell. We have no sales training.

And we didn't attempt.

To sell. We did also. They should have known we weren't going to tell them.

Wait, so you guys legitimately did not go in anywhere.

An ad. I think we went into one place. And again, it might have been someone that Haley knew or something. I think we sold one ad. But I don't know if me and Zach ever got out of the car unless we went to the restaurant. Also, you know how I said we went around and took pictures? That wasn't just in that class. We'd be in another class. We were in this math class together, and we were in there and we were like, We can't do that. Ap Calculus. Yeah, I didn't want to say that. That's pretentious.

Why is it pretentious?

But then we would be like, Hey, Ms. White, we have to go take photos for the event today. She'd be like, Okay, yeah, that's fine.

We didn't have a camera. Everybody else in the class would know what? They're like, What? They can't.

Just leave. Our AP Calc teacher, she was the sweetest woman in the world. Math is definitely not my best subject, and I would go up to her.

We were good at math.

I definitely know. It's like my- What did.

You get in there?

I don't know. It was an.

A, but it was- I got a 96.

I have no... It was an A. I didn't go to this class. But again, this was part... I would go up to her and be like, Hey, Ms. White. I was like, I'm really struggling with problem on the test. I was like, This is what I've done, but I don't know if I've done this right or whatever. She would take her pen and she'd be like, Just follow me right here. She would do the problem out. For you? She would circle her answer and she's like, Do you see how I got there? I'm like, I definitely see you.

I could see how you got there. Can we just take it back? Yeah, she definitely played favorites, which was amazing. She loved us.

Also, we were good students.

We were charming. Yeah. It's the thing.

I don't know if I would say good students. I think you're like good people, but it sounds like you were the worst students. No, we.

Were good students. I was the one that paid attention because Marisa sat in front of me, and obviously that was the time when I.

Was like-I think Trevor sat in front of me.

Trevor sat behind me because I would turn around and he never took a test. He would draw a picture. He would draw a 2014 meme of some guy going, No. I'm like a big problem. On the scratch paper. And then he would just turn it in and he passed. His drugs must have been really good. I think he had to do some makeup work, but... Oh, you think? -he's at graduation. But no, the whole time I was just... Marisa was in front of me. I was just really trying to speak to her. This was before the word Riz. This was just trying to find common interest. This was just primal.

This was primal. I was also in Easy Classes. I was in a biology class at this local community college. And when I say, I think I failed every test.

Yeah, because you didn't have someone playing favorites.

No, I made it like a 95 in the class because the professor was like, I'll give you some bonus points. He's like, Go find a bag of chips. Go find something new. Go find something that has the GMO label on it or the non-GMO label on it, and that's 50 bonus points.

It's a South Georgia Community College. No one cares.

I'll be like, All right, I got you. I'll be back.

I'm amazed you guys are as smart as you are because you guys did nothing. Every story I hear is you guys.

Goofing off. No, the thing is I did my work. I would go home and actually study. I would, too. I study more than you did.

Yeah, but I was smarter than you.

You needed to study. No, no. Anyway, I took it seriously because I was trying to get into good school. I was trying to become something better than you. I feel like the reason that we actually had good grades is because we went against our friend group. If one of us was going to do well, we all wanted to do well.

Yeah, and also all of our friends, we were all pretty smart. So again, high school classes aren't that hard anyways. So you can study an hour before the test to make an A.

Or are you shaking.

Your head? But I feel like you were the type to get someone else's test or someone else's quiz or someone else's homework and.

Copy it. No.

Straight up calling you a cheater.

No. No, I'm talking about before. You remember we'd all meet in the lunchroom beforehand, and you'd be like, I didn't do this one.

That would happen to everyone... I don't do that every now and then.

No, but I had a weird moral standard on that stuff. I couldn't.

Even- Look at him trying to put himself on.

A pedestal. But I couldn't even look at other people's things.

You're telling me you've never done that?

No, I didn't.

Have you told the AP psych story before? What? When we took the test? When we were in AP psych together, I think this was our senior year, junior year. No, it must have been our junior year. You have to take the test like everyone takes it on a certain day. The day we were supposed to take it, me, our buddy, Philip, we were playing in the final four or something in tennis, so we were gone. We weren't there. So when we came back, they were like the make-up date for the exams, not for like three weeks or something, or a month. So everyone in the AP psych class had already taken the test. They were all watching every class. We were just watching movies and stuff. We were technically.

Done for the semester. That was the best time of year. Yeah.

Well, we watched all the movies, didn't do a lick of studying for the AP psych test that we hadn't taken. So we were in there. You showed me.

National Treasure for the eighth time, I'm going to watch it.

So we're in there taking the test. We were at the board office. It was just us three in this room. And we're taking it, taking it, taking it. So the first part was multiple choice. It's like 100 questions. And the teacher is probably like, I don't know, 10 minutes left, and I'm finishing up. I'm just sitting there for the last few minutes. Zach gets down to the last question, and you just hear like, Oh, God.

He.

Had missed a bubble on like three or something.

Are you fucking serious? I had to re-bubble.

I don't.

Think he passed that test, did you? I have no idea, but I know I was rushing to change my bubble. He was trying to change it. I probably got none right.

And then on the essay questions, there was three essay questions, and I don't know where I thought, I don't know what I thought. I thought you had to just pick two of them.

Two out of the three. Two out of the three, so you just left one blank.

And one of them, I barely wrote anything. And we got done. And she was like, How to go? I was like, Multiple choice is fine. And then I picked the two easier ones of the questions for her essay. She's like, What do you mean you picked? I was like, It's two out of three, isn't it? She was like, No, you have to pick all three.

You have to.

Write all three. Where you learn this information. I was like.

It's not going to be good. I ended up passing. I made like a three, I think.

Okay, still a count. You get.

College credit. I don't remember anything. I forget a lot of.

Those memories. That AP Calc class that we were talking about earlier, I remember the first day she was talking about how hard the test was going to be. I don't know. I think me and you or me and Trevor, we were just like, Hey, can we just pull the class here and see if anyone's actually going to take this test? Because if they're not, this semester could be a lot easier. I don't think anyone said they were taking the test, so the semester was easier.

So why were you in the class if you weren't going.

To take the test? We took all.

The AP classes. We just had to take the hard classes just because we know we should. Also, it was because our friends were in there.

All our parents were teachers, but my dad was doing the scheduling. We would go up and be like, You're an AP cow. I'm like.

God damn it.

But the lower classes, we weren't as friends with.

The.

Other-yeah, no. It's like, Oh, we want to stick together. Oh, that makes sense.

One class, though, most of the smart kids took AP... Not AP, they took anatomy or something, and me and Zach took physics.

Did you like missing school?

What do you mean?

I never missed school. It was always because I had a crush on some girl and I didn't want to miss a day with her. It was always.

That reason. You're a walking romcom. Do you.

Know that? He does. He likes to romanticize.

I love it. That's insane.

But that's the whole reason I would hate to.

Miss school. No, I miss school sometimes. The times I missed it was fun because my Mimi would pick me up and I would be like, Mimi, I got to get out of here. I can't be doing this. She'd pick me up and we'd just go eat food and then go back to her work and I would just hang out. Or I'd clean it for like 20 bucks.

Your grandma would just pick you up and take you out of school?

Yeah, I would tell my mom that, listen, Mimi is coming to get me. I'm not feeling good.

I was.

Feeling great. I was feeling great.

We'd go eat barbecue. Try to make my 20 bucks.

Dude, my mom would whoop my ass if she wouldn't let me do the senior skip day, which is when literally every senior skips. I was the only one in class that day.

We skipped. We went to the-I would have just skipped. We went to the lake.

No, we had some crazy classes. The craziest one was technology class because it was the biggest joke of the class. It was ran by the football coach who didn't care. We would have seniors in there that would come in with tasers and just start tasing everybody. What the fuck? Dude, it.

Was rough. That was a weird class because there were seniors all the way to freshmen were in there. And so the dichotomy was just really...

It was weird. We had such different high school experiences. I didn't have any of that weird stuff. Some teachers would be a little more forgiving and a little more carefree, but nobody would ever just let you leave class. Or every teacher was there specifically to teach their subject. We didn't have football coaches teaching a technology class.

I don't know. Well, you had to. If you were a coach, you had to also be a teacher.

They would just teach PE.

Our school, I'm sorry.

If we had coaches or coaches teaching, they would just teach PE.

Were your PE teachers always lesbians?

I think we only had Guy PE. Well, we had Guy PE teachers. And then there's one, Ms. Thomas, who started teaching PE, but she was the health teacher. So she also started doing PE as a side thing because we kept getting more and more kids. But one of them, though, we had to do swimming in the seventh grade, and this man would wear... He would only wear speedos. European style, skin tight, bulge out just around kids at 7:30 in the morning.

Yeah, we didn't have any.

Of that. No, no, no, no.

Did Did you ever get in really big trouble in.

School or anything? Yeah.

The flamethrower thing. The flamethrower. What happened?

I'm not listening to this story again.

Well, I'll just speed run it. Eighth grade, our physical science teacher showed us a video of how to make a flamethrower. I was a little pyro at the time, so I decided it would be fun to make one as well. I got a friend who was also a pyro. We did it. Our school was being... It was under construction, so they had a little construction zone. We did it there. When it worked, the friends were really loud. Teacher looked out the window, saw a fucking flame shooting out, and then called security. I got suspended. I got suspended for two weeks. The principal had I not... If he didn't know me because I played, his son was a quarterback, I was the center. So we were very close. He was like, if I didn't know that you were a good kid, I'd have you arrested. I was like.

I.

Might have fucked up here.

I didn't get suspended. I got in trouble like that one time, though, in middle school. In middle school, did you all have to have agendas?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Like schedules?

Well, we had to carry.

Around- Oh, like a planner?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had planners all through. It was probably like this big and it was... I don't know what it would be made of, but it was rollable, like you could roll it up. Oh, ours was. And one day at the end of school, we were all hanging out because we, Zach's mom taught there, so we would either hang out there, we'd walk over to high school, it doesn't matter. But the busses were all piling on. And I don't know, I'd taken maybe your agenda. I'd taken someone's agenda, and I was trying to hide it, and I rolled it up and put it in the tailpipe of a bus. And the PE teacher told me, he was like, Horn. What the fuck are you doing?

You're going to kill everyone on.

That buck. I said, What are you doing? I'm like, I'm just hiding it. He's like, That'll blow up the fucking buzz. Come with me, dude. I had to go to the office.

What did they say to you? Yeah, how much.

Trouble did you get? They called me. They were like, Dude, you're an idiot. I was like, I know. We're telling your dad. I'm like, I figured.

Yeah, I got that much.

And they're like, All right, get out of here. And then I don't know if I got beat, but I definitely got in trouble when I got home.

I got in trouble in middle school for... We were in math class. I was in your uncle's class, and Kristen was in there. I told her she reminded me of an exotic dancer, and your uncle took huge offense to that. I can see that. Because essentially calling a child a stripper. And he's like, Why would you.? You're calling her that? Do you even do that? I was like, I don't know what it means. I thought it meant.

You just played dumb.

I thought it was like a hula dancer, like a Hawaiian dancer. What does it mean? And he's like, You don't know what it means? I have no idea. I thought it was... I was like, Oh, lula lula. He's like, Just don't say it again. I was like, Okay, okay. I knew.

What it meant. Of course, I knew what it meant. She looks.

Like a stripper. I also got in trouble one time in elementary school because I was throwing rocks down a sewer pipe, which apparently I'm not supposed to do. I don't know if it was a sewer pipe or a water vein main pipe. I was just throwing big ass rocks into it. They called me and they're like, What are you doing? I was like, I don't know, dude. I'm just fucking around. I'm having fun. I got beat that day. They called my mom. She came.

And beat me. At the school?

My mom was a big fan of that. If you got in trouble, she did a lot with my brother. She would come pull us out of class, whip our ass in the hallway, and then sit with us in class.

Wait, what?

She would sit with.

You in the class?

Yeah, because it happened a lot with my brother because my brother, he was a nightmare. He was a problem. He was a little deviant. He just wouldn't shut up. He would talk all the time. And so she would go and either beat him and sit in on him or just sit in on the class.

Do they still paddle kids now?

I mean, no, but like...

They paddled us. When we were in school, if you did something wrong, you'd go to the principal's office, he'd bend you over the table and spank you with this big wooden mallet.

You guys still had paddling in school?

Yeah.

That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, it was a little nuts. It was more nuts when the Hot Girls kept on getting in trouble and our principal had sex with someone. But it doesn't matter. Well, it does matter. I was.

Like, That definitely.

I don't know if we should cut it. Leave it in. I don't care.

That wasn't a middle school.

I didn't say middle.

School, man. They weren't paddling in high school, really. They paddled on high school? But not for like, severe... They weren't paddling girls, I don't think.

He's trying to backtrack so hard.

He's trying to save face for the town. They're not even in power anymore.

I don't know, dude. Say what.

You want. Say what you want. Wait, I got to go do my first stand-up thing.

Oh, yeah. Zach's doing stand-up today.

I'm going to heckle from the back.

Thank you guys for listening, watching. If you want to be part of the patron, the community on there is nuts. You really don't want to miss out on just having the experience of being able to connect with everybody. But also we're doing a huge giveaway. It's going to be announced on the 30th. All you got to do is go to our patron, be a paid member, and DM us which are the prizes you want. We will post what the prizes are going to be on there.

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Dollars a month. And honestly, the Drunk Podcast, which we're about to film another one, is the most fun you're going to see on podcast. We can't put it on YouTube because obviously we're getting intoxicated, but it is unhinged.

It is-Oh, yeah. We could say some wild shit on there.

I can't even say what it gets. Just go watch it. You're going to have a good time. And if you stay to the end, make sure to DM us, if you ever got in trouble in school, what happened? Actually, don't DM us. Put in the comments that way everybody can read it. And can you guys upvote the funniest ones? We'll talk about it in a future podcast. All right, guys, thank you. Love you. Goodbye. Oh, what else do we have? Do we have to plug anything? Subscribe. Does that matter?

On the next talk episode, Zach's saying his top five favorite I.

Don't want to. You can fuck with that one. Yeah.