So the next one is interesting. The subject line is my brother gave me chlamity.

I'm sorry.

What? Happens.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Okay? I don't care what anyone says. It doesn't happen.

What's up, guys? Welcome to Episode 1 61.

You can't be smacking Peanut M&Ms into the mic like that.

What do you want me to do? You want me to smack someone?

I would like you to swallow the Peanut M&Ms.

You said nuts and swallow. And of someone who has a fifth grade humor, it's very tough for me not to be like, You know what I mean?

Nuts and swallow.

See? Yeah.

It's very tough. It's very tough. It's very low hanging fruit.

Oh, shit. You know what I mean? That's the balls. It's all coming together.

It's all coming together. Why are there so many terms for that area of the body and that act?

Let's hit some intro music.

Okay.

So that way I can eat an M&M. Hello. Hey, guys. Don't talk to them.

They don't know you. Well, I'm letting them know the situation. It is 1.47 in the morning right now because Zak just got home from... You said maybe the best time to come.

New York City, July 27th, this Thursday, you can see us in the Big Apple. A lot of people are saying, You guys won't be there. And to that, we'll say, We are going to be there.

This episode will actually come out the day of our live show. Or no, the day we get to New York.

Sorry. Yes. And again, if you're not there and you live near the area and you have an opportunity, I, your first born child, I'll put a cigarette out on their soft spot and then I'll press really hard. So what?

Okay, that's too far.

Or maybe it's not.

Far enough. No, you can't be threatening children. People's parents and grandparents, that's fine. They've lived enough life.

Children are just pre parents and grandparents.

Yeah, but they haven't lived enough life for you to threaten them yet.

They're like a free trial of a human.

I don't think there's anything free about a child.

How do you feel about postpartum abortion?

Postpartum abortion. Let's break that down.

So murder. Some people call it homicide. That's what Alyssa calls it.

Alyssa calls it every Tuesday.

Whoa, what did you just eat, champ? We got Hanson back from... He was recently... Okay, Hanson was my dog, if you guys don't know. He was at boarding school and either to learn nothing or learned everything in his not letting us know.

He had a piece of the broken marble on here, and now he's immediately under the couch. He learned nothing. He learned absolutely nothing.

But.

We're.

Happy he's back. We're happy.

He's back. Dude, I'm so excited.

It's like when you send your uncle to rehab and they come back and then you just they're like, All right, I'm just going to go to my room. And you're like, Okay. And you're not going to do any alcohol, right? And you're like, No, not me. I would never because I went to rehab. And then you hear the door close and you hear he's here. And we're like, Oh, he's drinking. He's consuming alcohol. If you had to go to rehab for something, what would it be? That's interesting. Say they had a rehab for every single thing in the entire world. What would you go to rehab for?

Easily sugar addiction. Oh, my God. It is so bad.

It's my God, too. Our God. Our God. Who are in where? Heaven. Everywhere. He's in all of us, isn't he? That's beautiful. You're beautiful. When did the sugar addiction start? I've got a sugar addiction as well. You do? No. But I wanted to relate to you. That's what they do in rehab.

How do you know? From experience or?

I went to a lot of documentaries.

Actually, speaking of rehab, do you remember that show, celebrity rehab?

No. What was it?

Well, it was basically just a reality show, but it was a rehab center that celebrities would go to and they would just film the process or whatever. But that rehab facility estate, whatever, just went up on sale to purchase. Guess how much it is? The low price of $20 million.

Did you put it in a bid?

Yeah. I put down 15 % as the down payment because I really just couldn't cough up 4 million.

I feel like being well known and famous adds to the substance abuse. Maybe they also need a rehab from being in the limelight. But then it's like then getting attention. And then it's like they're getting a fix of their attention because it's being filmed. So really, did they even go to rehab?

No, they probably didn't. I don't think don't think they learned anything.

Handsome looks drunk.

Dude, he's so tired. He's so sleepy.

He slept in my bed last night. He does not get comfortable easily. He'll flip and flop for about an hour. And then he comes up to you and he takes his Paw and he presses it as hard as he can to your eye until you acknowledge him. And then you lift up the covers and he goes under and he'll sleep in a position that's not comfortable for your legs, but you can't move. Is it like...

Because he's cute. Is it the position where he burrows himself right in your.

Pelvic region? There's a lot of thing. Well, Jared, come on, bestiality is not.

Part of this podcast. No, obviously it wasn't a bestiality thing. Okay. It's just he likes to be.

Cuddled up. He's not neutered as well. I want to put that out there. I really like comments where people are like, I like to question how you're parenting or how you're doing anything in life. So I just want to say he's not neutered, and I just want to see what the comments are. You're the devil for not in the middle of it. And why would you do that? The cut off his balls right now or else he'll spawn into Satan.

Do you have any idea how to raise a child?

For audio listeners, he's an English Bulldog who really resembles a founding father. It looks like someone put him a little too close to the sun and.

He melted. He melted but also got a little Crispy.

But then they freeze dried him immediately, so it didn't completely droop down. And now he looks like somebody's grandpa. He looks racist. He does, but he's not.

In terminology that you'd like to say, he looks like he has opinions, and he's not afraid to say that.

He looks like he wears white cloaks on Tuesdays, but he does not. He just looks old.

He's trying to stay awake.

He's actually tri blend. He's got one, two, three. He's got four colors on him. You can't be racist when you're four colored.

I'm surprised he could even get those white cloaks.

If you had to be a different race, what would you be? This is going to be fun.

What would I be?

Even phrasing it as if you had to be feels like I could get canceled.

I don't know why. Why did you phrase it.

Like that? If you were blessed to become not white now that's the.

Cutest thing I've ever seen. Oh, my goodness.

No, it's a really simple question. If you were to become another race, why would you pick that race above all the other ones?

It's not like... This isn't a.

Superiority question. I'm just looking for just which one.

Okay. God, this is going to sound so stereotypical. I would want to be black, okay? I don't want to be that stereotypical white guy that just wants to be black or whatever. It's just like growing up and having friends and being in black culture club.

Love to bring that up.

No, it was just like it was such a tight knit community. I actually just saw a TikTok about this. It was this girl. I think it was a white girl that posted it, but she was with her friends and she filmed a video of her friends dancing in slow motion and it had a really pretty song over it. And they said there's nothing more pure than black joy. And it was just a group of guys just dancing, goofy off and having so much fun. And it was a really sweet video and it just looked like such a.

Good time. Stereotypically, you were saying that black people have more fun and that's why you want to be part of their culture.

I just think they have a very beautiful and fun and.

Uplifting culture. Even saying they there.

No, it's just.

It's okay. It's not a big deal.

God, this is such a Anyway, yes, what would you be? White.

Oh, man, someone's not going to get that. Okay, we got a... Should we break down satire? Can you look up the definition of satire, please? Thank you so much. Some people don't know what is. We've got to teach them. Actually, Tom...

Sorry, go ahead. I was going to say Tom Sagura has a really funny bit in one of his earlier specials where he was talking about his father, older white man.

He goes.

To confide something in Tom, and he's like, Tom, I got to tell you, there's nothing I love more than watching black people have fun.

I've had a similar experience talking with someone. It was actually a family member of mine. I won't out on which one, but I'm going to pop one of these nutty chocolate in my mouth. Oh, some people like AISR.

Some people hate it viscerally. Well, they're.

Going to leave a word divided nation anyway. Might as well stick the fort. You want to tell us what satire is before I move on?

Satire is the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or rid molecule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Hell yeah, brother.

That's perfect.

But no, one of my family members, they said, God, the way that black people move their shoulders just.

Really gets me going.

I had to walk out of the room. I had to walk out of the room because I knew it came from a good place.

Yeah.

But man, you can't say that. But yeah. You can't say that. Wait, maybe an 0 4.

Hold on. I'm going to bleep it out, but can you tell me who it was? The math.

Is there, right?

Oh, it's.

So there. That's how you know it's not from a bad place.

Yeah, that is from the most wholesome, genuine place. It's just the phrasing of it. We're starting off dicey.

No, we're being inclusive. I feel like to be inclusive, everyone should receive the same treatment. So it's like if you're going to joke about someone, if you joke about everyone, I feel like that's the most inclusive thing you can do.

Because I think, God, I'm realizing now watch a lot of stand up comedy because somebody had a joke, they started off and it was going to be... I forget what race the joke was about. And then he was like, Oh, I can tell I lost some of you in the audience. So to make you... He was a white guy. He was like, So to make you feel more comfortable, here's a white people joke. And then said it's something about how we don't season our food. And then he went.

Into We should do white people stuff. Can you look up white people jokes? It's going to be good. Do you have any off the top of your head?

I mean, the classic, like, we don't season our foods or pepper, like ground black pepper is too spicy.

We'll see if Elizabeth has better ones. Deliver it like your stand up comedian, please, or you're fired.

Okay. Okay. White people will be like, 40 degrees Fahrenheit is the weather. Wait, fuck. Wait, 40 degrees Fahrenheit is the perfect weather to wear basketball shorts and flip flops.

Okay. You stuttered on the delivery. Yeah, sorry.

The F was there and I didn't understand what it meant, but it.

Was Fahrenheit. Run it through one more time like you're not having a seizure. Okay.

White people will be like, 40 degrees Fahrenheit is the perfect weather to wear basketball shorts and flip flops?

When I was younger, I was the kid who wore shorts year round. I could be freezing outside. And for whatever reason, it made me feel like a warrior. People would be like, Aren't you cold? And it's the best to go, no.

But were you freezing?

I'd be cold at times.

You're like, Oh, yeah, I couldn't feel my legs.

Your left leg just fell off because of hypothermia. But I look sick, but I'm mobile.

I used to tell my mom, I was never the kid to wear shorts year round. But up until seventh grade, I just didn't care what I wore. Like, matching wise.

Up until when?

Seventheth grade.

What grade are you in now? Are you in seventh grade?

I feel like this goes together. You're right. Okay, maybe the flip flops throw it off, or the slippers.

You look good.

This is my new shirt.

Okay, what is it? We're going to get back to.

White people jokes. We're going to get back to white people jokes. Okay, so in celebration of Bobby and Oppenheimer coming out, the Barberheimer event of the century. I bought this shirt from this girl. Her account is Snazzy Seagull, and she makes a bunch of meme shirts. It is Oppenheimer's famous quote after he witnessed the first explosion of the atom bomb. Nice. It says, Now I've become death destroyer of worlds. But it's in the barbie font. And so it adds a little... What's the word? Brevity? Are you.

Going to wear that when you go to the double feature?

Hell.

Yes. Are you expecting compliments? Oh, absolutely. Now that I have the context behind it, I do find it humorist, actually. I enjoy that. Thank you.

Wow. I just got a genuine compliment from Zach.

Well, you didn't create the shirt. All right, Alyssa. Yes. White people jokes.

Okay. White people be like, I'm not just white. I'm 22 % Irish, 18 % German, 28 % Italian, 30 % French, and 2 % milk.

Did.

You like the.

Milk part?

Yeah, that one. You didn't expect it?

No.

Originally, you're like, Wait, I'm relating to this joke because I say I'm on these things. And then.

To throw it... That's what I thought the humor.

Was going to be. Exactly. And then it throws you for a loop at the end, a punch to the gut that you don't expect.

That was so good. Props to whoever wrote that joke.

Yes, props.

White people be like, Taco Bell is too spicy.

I feel a little called out for this one. You do.

Your bowels do seem to not handle spice in a way.

I love spice, but spice does not love me.

What else doesn't love you?

Okay. Goddamn. Or. Okay, why are we doing? Or. Why are we going down this road?

I hate this. I love.

This road. No, of.

Course you do.

Eventually. No, that's making me sad.

As it should.

No.

Stop. She just left, by the way, wearing Jared's clothes.

She wasn't wearing my clothes.

Then whose clothes were those? Those were hers. It's good for you.

White people. Yeah, my eyes are so cool. They're like sapphire blue, but then changed her rainforest green in the light. And sometimes they turn gray when I wear my favorite sweater. Also, they look indigo when I'm at Olive Garden.

That one didn't hit. That one.

That was boo. That one made me flacid. Were you not.

Before that?

Every time I do the podcast, I like to get.

A little chubbed up, a little fluffer.

And a little fluffed up. Who's your fluffer? A memory of Margot Robbie.

Can you believe that there is a trend of people saying that Margot Robbie is mid?

Can I believe it? Yes. Do I believe it? No. Do I hate the word mid? It's like cap when people are like, no cap. And you see that tweet? And it's like people that say no cap. Yeah, no gown, too.

Yeah. For the people in the back, no cap and gown is because you didn't graduate because you weren't educated enough.

I'll throw myself under the bus here. I remember saying no cap one time, I think, to you. And the moment I said it, I don't know why I said it genuinely. It wasn't even as a joke. And it just felt so wrong coming out. And you let me know your true feelings on how.

You felt. I think the appropriate time to use no cap is also... Right now, it's a great time to use lit.

Because it's phased out a little bit.

And it's funny that you're using lit now. You're just jumping on the lit train. In 10 years, you start capping it up, people are going to be like, Yeah, now that's this sound, Jake, it's beautiful. New York City, July 27th. Hope to see you there. Oh, wait. Holy hell. Dude, how far are we in this podcast? 22. And we haven't promoted a Patron yet. Patron, we're about to film a drunk episode tomorrow where we consume a little bit too much alcohol and we say things we regret, but we put it on the internet anyway. Here's an example from one of the past episodes. Did you see that video? I don't know if it was Jubilee or...

Oh, the guy's rating dick sizes?

Yeah. Yes. That's insane. They positioned themselves in order of who they think has the biggest P in to the smallest penis.

What was the biggest?

Eight inches.

I've taken like 14.

I'm just trying to think of what eight inches is.

Eight inches is.

Fucking huge. It's huge. Where's the tape measure?

I think that's.

You think that's eight inches? You're going to be pretty.

Disappointed if I ever get passed in a local pool. That's eight inches. Imagine taking that. You're feeling that shit in your guts.

Don't look at it like I've seen this before.

Be honest, what's the biggest you've seen? Seen? Or like, experienced?

Describe experienced.

It doesn't. Whatever. The biggest you've encountered. Wow.

Patron.

This is what you all are paying for.

So make sure to subscribe to the Patrion right now. And if you don't, you're actually missing out on a lot of good stuff. It's a really cool community over there. We've actually been genuinely having a good time. We're doing live podcast as well, which have.

Been fun. Live Q&A's.

You know what I mean, man. Come on, kiss me.

And we're also right now, you can't tell by the cameras set up now, but the other half of our set is a wreck because we're setting up the game show that we're going to be throwing up on Patrion as well.

I thought it was going to be on the main episode.

Well, it can be, but we're also going to put patron exclusive episodes of the game show up there. I didn't know that.

I'm better subscribe.

And so exciting stuff. Yeah, come in. I don't know, dude. I suck.

At selling. No, you're good. Let's have a white person joke to really bring it back. Hey, you tried your best.

Yeah, and it wasn't good enough.

You try to be enthusiastic. That's what people love. But you lost your train of thought, and that's okay. You got to stop being so hard on yourself. I think I'm hard on you enough for the both of us.

So we were all chilling down here on the couch, me.

Alyssa, and Are you going to keep that.

Name in? No, I'm going to cut it out. But Why? Because I don't know. Aren't you guys official? No. And so we were all sitting on the couch and Handsome knocked out snoring full nine yards.

I wasn't there.

No, you weren't. You were still at.

The concert. Oh, you said Handsome.

Oh, shut up. And so he's snoring. And I turned to I turned to her and I go, I'm like, Is that what I sound like at night? And she goes, Oh, yeah, but way worse. And Alyssa starts laughing her ass off, which I didn't need.

That's a shame. That's one of her best assets.

That was not a moment of encouragement. And she goes, Yeah, but you also do the thing where I think you're going to die. And I was like, I've heard that. I was like, What do you mean? And she's like, You just sound like you're choking. And so then I learned in that moment that I most definitely have sleep apnea.

Oh, you're going to have to sleep with a sleep apnea mask.

Yeah, I'm going to have to get a CPAP probably.

For the people that don't know what CPAP is, can we put in a little clip or something?

Which my mom has one. Granted, she says that it saved her marriage because April would have to get up and go to the couch a lot of nights because my mom snoring. Isn't the CPAP.

Or whatever you call it, machine loud?

No, they make fairly quiet ones now.

That was literally the movie we just watched.

That.

Girl was.

Wearing it.

Oh.

Buddy. But said that.

You're going to have to plan sex, you know that, right? It's not just going to happen spur of the moment with this mask on. Because once you turn into sleepless Bane, no one could know I was before the mask. Is that good, Bane?

You've done better.

Have I? How often have I done Bane?

You've done Bane quite a bit. You do Bane and you do...

I'm more of an airline pilot guy. Hello, everyone. If you look out to your right, you'll see Alyssa absolutely twerking around. I've got to stop sexually harassing Alyssa, I've realized.

Yeah, you definitely do. But she said that when I have my little breathe right strips on that it doesn't happen. So maybe that's like I can save it by getting the deviated septal surgery. But yeah, she was like, Yeah, I think you're going to die. She has a great sense of humor. And she's like, which honestly, if.

You do.

I get a great night's sleep.

That is true. I like that she looks at the positive in life. Oh, yeah.

That's one thing I like about her, too.

Have you written down how to do all the cameras and stuff? No. Okay, do a checklist.

Why? I'm not going to have you replace me.

If you die? Yeah. Okay. So we're just out of income. We have to go live.

On the streets. 100 %.

Alyssa and I are going through trauma. One thing leads to another. We're married, obviously, because we're bonding.

Yeah, trauma bonding. It's a real thing.

We have a kid. That kid grows up with a mother who doesn't treat him correctly just because she's so distraught about losing her friend. She takes out the anger on the kid. She beats the hell out of him because she wants him to be a singer. And then she's essentially created the next Michael Jackson.

Yeah. So it sounds like I gave the world the next king of pop by dying and not showing you how to use the camera equipment.

It sounds like I also.

Helped in that part. You did nothing. Okay. You did a lot.

All you.

Did was beat a child. Physically and emotionally abusive. Don't try to take.

Credit for this. I was loving to my child.

The good news is for whatever reason, that's my kink. It's good. We had the conversation the other day. You said, well, I asked to live off.

The.

Clock.

Okay. I don't know if that makes it any better.

No, trust me, that'll hold up in court. You said, If you don't sleep with Jared, you never get to see him again. Would you take that bet? And then you said, I'm sorry, Jared, I would have to sleep with you.

Yeah, because I don't.

Want to never see him again.

Yeah, that would be sad. God, what is.

He going to think?

Man, there's going to be a lot of bleeps in.

This episode. I don't think that would happen.

It's just a hypothetical. Well, yeah, that's a crazy ass hypothetical.

I don't think. Granted, did, if that really did come down to it, I mean, if you wanted to just bounce, I guess there was nothing I could do about it. Bounce on what?

Like.

Leave. Sorry, you.

Walked into.

That one. I did. I have another joke.

Oh, you have another one? It's about white people? Please. Yes.

Okay. White people love saying, Well, someone's not happy when they hear a child crying somewhere.

Damn. This is crazy. I'm feeling so called out. It feels like she wrote or she found all these jokes about me.

It's.

Tough, huh? When you find out that you're a stereotypical white person, do you fall under any of these categories?

Oh, yeah. Yeah? I love macaroni and cheese. Okay. I like country music.

You just went to Morgan Wallen's concert. How was that? Good. Okay, why do you do this? This is so frustrating. You go to something that you could definitely talk about and expand on, and all you do is go.

Okay, sorry. Okay. Ask me again. Ask me again and I will expand on it. Okay.

You just went to the Morgan Wallen concert. How was that? Really good. I'm going to punch you in the face.

Has violence ever been the answer in your life?

Never. Sometimes.

What? I like when you get nervous. What was your.

Face favourite song that he performed? Not your favorite one of his in general, but the one that was the best showmanship.

Maybe Sand in My Boots. He did really well.

With that one. Really? Was it more...

Can we write a country song right now? Probably. Give me a country word.

I mean, truck is pretty stereotypical.

Let's try it. Let's dig a little deeper. Dig deeper. Truck, okay. We'll use it. We're going to... You know how people always do the rap videos? We're going to do that with country.

Truck. Now we're planning a.

Music video. No, you're going to give me two more words and I'm going to create a Southern ballad. Oh, you're going to do a siphon? Alyssa gets to pick a word too, so I'm going to take both of them.

Campfire.

Campfire? Okay.

Sweet T.

Okay, there we go.

I was sitting by the campfire next to my sweet T. Her name is Taylor and she's really sweet to me. Back of my tailgate, we lay down to rest. I looked up at the stars and I said.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything. Lightning struck us at that moment. We both died. We were buried together in a coffin too small for us. We looked like sardines in that coffin. People made comments at the funeral.

How would you know they made comments? I was alive.

I didn't die. I was paralyzed. She was very much dead and stinky, but I.

Was alive. But wouldn't they be able to feel your heartbeat?

No. Why? Because they didn't check my heartbeat.

Why would they not check your heartbeat?

Because I looked like this. I was very much looked dead, but I was electrocuted. My mom was weeping. Is this still part of the story? She was pretty excited. She kept on mentioning life insurance, which I thought was a little weird to bring up there. She brought it up to several people, how much do you think I'll get?

Do you have life insurance? No. You don't?

Yeah. Why do I care? I'll be dead.

You don't want to take care of your loved ones after? I won't.

Have any loved ones. I'll have no capacity to love. I'll be dead.

But the people you cared about when you were alive, like your mother.

I'll have no way to care.

I am dead. I'm saying you can care now.

I think part of life is struggle. I think that's if everything is just on cruise control.

You don't think your mom is going to struggle with your dad?

If you ever played GTA and you do the cheat codes and you have unlimited money, it's not fun anymore? Yeah, I have actually. Exactly. Do I want that life for my mom? No, I want her to struggle so she can probably forsper and go through it.

She's going to struggle. You're dead. Her only son.

Is dead. I was paralyzed.

Okay, you're.

Buried in a coffin.

You're buried in the ground.

With the love of my life, sweet tea.

But you're still... Taylor. She's still going to struggle because...

Not Taylor Hudson.

She.

Buried me. What's up, baby? Text me. What the fuck?

She buried you. She still thinks you're dead.

She didn't bury me. She's not great with shovels. Okay, the grounds keepers did that. All right.

Either way.

You're still.

In the ground.

Yes.

Okay, she's never going to see you again?

Unless she dig me up. But you're right, she's not good with a shovel.

Yeah, she's not good with a shovel, so she's never going to see you again.

What are we talking about?

You're saying that you wouldn't give your mom life insurance because you want her to struggle. And I am saying that you want to take care of your loved ones after they die and that your mom is still going to struggle because her.

Son is dead. I'm going to take a hard left on this conversation. That's okay? Yeah, go for it. It wasn't going anywhere, right? No. This is not me putting you down. Do you want to continue down this rabbit hole or are you trying to come up with content? No, not at all. Are you trying to come up.

With content? I was just riffing with you.

We were riffing to get more. Are you using quare space? Are you using Squarespace? Give him an answer. You just.

Hit me on the foot.

Answer.

Answer.

Answer. Answer. Answer. Answer. Answer.

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You stepped on my line. Well, I thought you were addressing me.

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Calling you that. Sorry, Daddy, you're right. If you want to save money and get some money back, I think rocket money is the best way to go. I was actually using this product before they sponsored us. Essentially, here's one of the best features that I like. We have so many subscriptions now in 2023 in this subscription filled world.

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How much do you think you pay for subscriptions a month?

If my mom listens to this, she's going to be out of.

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That was beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you, Rocket. Thank you, dad. And Rocket money and rocket money. No, this is what I'm going to talk about. This is the country song I've won the right for a while. I don't know anything about it, except for the premises. He's finally made it. He's in all these new cities. He's away from home. He's very sad. But But something in their lyrics, he's like, I don't have that restaurant in my life. I don't have my buddies around, but I got home in my right-hand. Because he married his high school sweetheart, and she's holding his right-hand. So he feels like he has home in his right-hand. That's cute. Because when they're holding hands, what do you think about that.

What if he's holding her left hand?

Buried.

Her. This is why we keep.

Her around? This is why. Yeah, what are we supposed to keep? Ruen creative visions? You're fired.

No, I like the song. I like the lyric.

To be fair, maybe...

Hold on. Going off, I guess it, like, phonetically, it doesn't sound as good. But if you say, like, home in my left hand, he could be talking about his wedding band.

His band doesn't do weddings because he's on tour with them.

Oh, my God. His wedding ring. Come on.

That's crazy.

All right, fine. You gave me a good idea for a song, premise concept like that a while ago. It was about the grass growing back from where she used to park her car in his front yard.

That's not my song.

That's.

A.

Sam Hunt song. Yeah, he has that song.

Yeah, that's.

Sam Hunt. He's like, Maybe you... Is that a grass still has grown back for you to park your car?

Maybe you were singing that then and I thought...

You're like, Zach's.

A genius. I thought you were just free styling.

Did you write down thriller as well?

Hold on, let.

Me.

Yeah, I literally have in my notes park in the grass or something like that. Okay, well, never mind. I'll go fuck myself.

You don't have to.

Do that. I wrote a song that I really want to sell somebody or work with somebody.

To record. Pitch it. Let's see if I want to buy it.

I wrote it about... I had a low point.

Just like... Quick question. You've never been at a high point. Keep going.

I was feeling really homesick and I wrote a song about the last conversation I had with my mom before I moved to LA. It's called... Right now, the title of the song is called Young Man.

Young Man.

I do think of that every time.

I've heard these lyrics. Keep going, though.

She said, I know you have to go, and I taught you all that I can. And she asked, When do you get so old, but you'll always be my young man?

I didn't get one yaw from my sweet tea song.

And then I have, like, nostalgic... The verses are about, like, nostalgic memories that we have. And so it's like, where are the days when you learn to crawl, taking markers and crayons to all of our walls, going to see Santa down at the mall. I still think about it all. How you'd only go out in your favorite boots the way you'd refuse to eat any green foods. Our little talks on our drive to school. How I'll miss you.

That's solid.

I really want to work with someone. Imagine Luke Combs, someone with that deep Southern draw singing that.

Sir, I think you met your Luke Combs.

That's Elvis. What the fuck was that?

All right, give me a lyric to sing.

Okay, sing I know you have to go.

I know you have to go.

Taught you all that I can.

Taught you all I can.

She said, When did you get so old?

She said, When did you get so old?

But you'll always be my young man.

But you'll always be.

My.

Young man.

Not bad.

Not terrible. You want to call Luke Combs now? No. Zach Justice, the country singer. Coming around the turnpike. It's my favorite thing to do. Except for?

Pick a ball.

Jared. No, I do love pick a ball. Recently, I've been asking a, we'll call her a woman.

Okay. What's the fuck does that mean? Go on.

To play pickle ball with me. But I think she thinks I'm flirting.

When you're not.

I genuinely just want to play.

Pickle ball. I thought this was going the other way around where she thinks that you legitimately only want to play pickle ball.

But I'm.

Trying to flirt. But you're trying to flirt? No.

No, I genuinely just want to smack some wiffles around.

Are you doing anything else that may lead her to believe that...

Her picture of my penis. As a goof.

Yeah, as a goof.

Because everybody gets it. Loser has to suck this is what I say. How do you know? How do you think she's getting the wrong message?

How do you know that she...

I'm good at picking up the vibes. Oh, I was talking about this with Sterling in the car. You know when you're talking to someone and you can tell that the vibe has switched in their head? Yes. And you don't know what's happened, but you know they're not into you anymore. And you're still trying to have similar conversations around the same wavelength that you guys used to be. But now it just feels so different. It's almost like you're making them do chores by talking to you. Yeah, that sucks.

That is one of the most heartbreaking feelings.

And then you try to talk yourself out of it. Oh, maybe they're just having a day. We had something similar. I was talking to you guys about a girl, and you guys were like, Oh, she's probably just h, she's probably busy and has a lot on her mind. I was like, Yeah, she may have a lot of her in mind, but one of those things is not me. I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you that much. How about you get the pasta? I think I have ADHD, but I'm not sure because I've never been diagnosed. Also, Alyssa stay over there. But I thought that was...

Wait, you were talking to us about this recently?

No, not recently. Sick as hell, though, right? For audio listeners, I just.

Did a back flip. Oh, this was this girl from a while ago.

A while ago, correct. To be fair, please be.

In that situation, I personally...

I have two girls in my head. I have no idea.

Watch.

Your.

Mouth. Watch your mouth. Remember all eight of them watch this podcast.

To be fair, in that specific scenario that I think you're talking about, I was lying to you to make you.

Feel better. I hate that about you.

Well, because I thought that that's what you needed in that moment.

Because the whole time you were saying to me, Oh, no. Yeah. She really... And the whole time I was like, No, I'm good at this instinctual stuff. I know she's not into me.

And we were 100 % on this. Well, I'll say like 90 % on the same page because I believed everything that you were saying and all the intuition that you had.

That's why I was getting so frustrated with you because I was like, There's no way that you don't think this is just logical. But she's over here piping me down a fantasy.

I thought it was real.

But the 10 % of me that was also piping you down that fantasy was that's literally.

Your words. That's weird when you say it. Okay. That's what it is. What? You've got a sexual harassing tone.

I have a.

Sexually harassing tone? I could say anything to be really gentle. I want to turn your guts inside out like a war victim.

I'm going to say it the same exact way.

The same way.

I want to turn your guts out like a war victim.

Did not say it the same.

You.

Threatened when you said it, right? But when I said it, turned on. That's the difference.

Go ahead. Okay. I thought that 10 % of me thought that, Well, you really like this girl and you care a lot about her.

Or boy.

Okay.

And you... It's a girl.

And you really thought it was going to go somewhere. And I really enjoyed seeing you so excited about something.

So you decided to lie to me.

But I wanted you to keep that feeling alive because I didn't.

Want to. You didn't want the light to leave my eyes. Yes. Well, the light was already leaving my eyes.

I know, but I was trying to save it. I was trying to keep lighting that lantern. Why? Because you were so happy and so excited. Why would.

That not put me in a darker place and know that the person who he thinks is the closest to me.

That's hurtful.

Okay. You are truthful because that's what I do. I tell the truth. Now I can't trust that person. So doesn't that hurt me more in the long run? Because you know it was inevitable that me and woman would not work out. Then it's like, It doesn't work out. And I have a lying acquaintance.

Okay. Lying is a strong word.

Lying is a word that is black and white.

I was sugar coating it because You know.

What lying is? What? Segregated.

Because it's black and white. It's black.

And it's white.

You're either lying or you're not.

You're lying and you're not.

But I feel like there's levels to lying that are in the gray area like sugar coating.

Liar. You're a liar. What else is it you lie to me about? My sex wasn't good, was it?

You were just so excited that we finally did it and I.

Didn't want to. No, you're lying. We never did it. When are you going to stop? Fuck. A lot of people on this podcast, Oh, you bully Jared. Yeah, you deserved it. You're a liar and you're a woman thief.

I was coming to your defense in the comments on the last video about all the spit takes. People were starting in the comment, they're like, At what point does this become bullying? And I started responding. Immediately. And I said, At the same point, it stops being my kink just to reply with some humor. But in today's society, one of my biggest peeves is when people get offended on behalf of somebody else and they start speaking for them. Because somebody is very sweet. They're looking out for me. But they were just like, The last episode may be upset because I don't like it when Zak treats you like that.

But I love it. What do I do then?

Well, but the thing is I thought the bit was hilarious. I explained to them. I was like, If it's in the podcast, it's 100 % what we want to show you and 100 %...

A lot of people don't know this. Before the podcast, we write down word for word everything that we're going to say.

Oh, yeah. This is all scripted.

Yeah. Even then you came up with the spinning wheel. You're like, spit on me five times? Yeah. You're like, spit on me again. You know what I mean? And I was like, I don't know if I want it. It's been on you once. You're like, spit on me five times. Yeah. It's like again. And then you're like, bite your gums. A little bit of blood comes out. And I thought that was weird, but I did it because you're my acquaintance.

You're my acquaintance.

You are. That's crazy. And that means a lot to you.

Look up the definition of.

A quaint. Please do.

And let's see how far away that is from friend.

Give me reverse bony.

But yeah, I thought the bit was hilarious and I didn't like people. I appreciate the genuine concern, but I don't like people speaking on behalf of other people and.

Putting words. Do you feel like because you feel like maybe people have coddled you because people think you can't stand up for yourself? Probably. By them defending you, they're being worse than I am.

No. Oh, how it flips, little comment.

Section, huh? No, no, no, no.

Flip you over like a minute math.

Test, baby. But even one of our friends, you asked them, I mean, this is such a toxic question. You said, What do you hate most about Jared? And they said, I love that question. They said, I hate that he doesn't stand up for himself more. And the thing is, I think the reason I don't stand up for myself more is because I think people underestimate how much I can actually take. Because we joke that.

Sounds like an abused housewife. You have been manipulated so much that now you're begging for it because that's your only normal. Not only you haven't been bullied, you've been enslaved by the male patriarchy.

I'm starting to need to rethink some things.

An acquaintance is a person who knows slightly but who is not a close friend.

That's what you think of me.

It's not about what I think it just is what it is. You're my quaintance. What am I to you? Friend? A brother? My brother wouldn't breathe like you. No, I think I might have sleep apnea too.

What?

Just trying to relate, make you feel better.

Well, now you just lied to me.

Yeah, and how did it make you feel?

Bad.

No one will be lying. We don't lie to our quaint.

Sisters, don't we? No, we don't. I'm sorry.

We're quaint to buddies.

Do you want to look at AI baby photos?

Oh, yes. I forgot we're going to do this. Whoa, what the hell.

Is that thing? Okay, she can't pull up a picture of my AI child and you go, oh, what the hell is that thing?

Well, it's the personification of a squirrel.

I.

Should.

Do this. My kid's going to be.

So bullied. I should show you the photo and you have to guess.

Who's the father?

They're going to say, whose kid is this? I was like, That's not mine. That's Alysson.

Jared's kid. Yeah, the curly hair gives it away. Oh, you're flipping these so fast.

Sorry, it's our kid.

What? Me and you?

Really?

You cheated on me.

That's Zach right there. Zak, you cannot deny that kid. Wait, are these all Zak?

Yeah, there's a lot of them.

Who did you cheat on me with? George Lopez? No, but.

How would she... It has so many of your features.

Those are my eyes for sure.

They are?

I had really big brown eyes when I was little.

Those are my eyebrows. That's my overall demeanor. That kid doesn't look like me. That kid doesn't look like you. That's not our kid. His kid.

Is this? His is pretty cute.

He's cute. He's definitely cute.

But yeah, that doesn't look like either of.

You or the parents. No, that doesn't look like our kid. Goddamn it.

It was so cute. Goddamn it. Dude, no, I am. My precious.

That was a cute one.

I'm never having children.

That's cute. That's cute. That's cute.

Oh, my God. That first one was just jump scare.

We do have six toes, but that's fine.

Yeah, it checks out.

Oh, my God. Ai generated photos. It's not helping my self confidence whatsoever. Go back to the cute kid. Go back to the first one.

All right, it's not as bad.

As it was.

It's not as bad. That's a.

Cute kid. It was just the jump from the one before that.

He has to grow into.

His big old forehead.

His big old forehead. Trust me, he won't grow into it. It just gets bigger. I know from experience.

Forehead reduction surgery.

Dude, I did the consultation $8,500, at least at this place for the deviated septal surgery, which in the grand scheme of surgery costs is not that expensive. But at this location specifically, it was 100 % out.

Of pocket. Oh, these look more like Jared.

What the hell? Look, that's me holding my kid.

What the hell is going on with the hands?

I don't know.

But.

That's me with my future kid.

I hate your fingers.

Well, okay, AI can't do fingers properly.

What the hell?

Look, whose kid is that? I look weird as a father. You know what? It's just not in my cards.

Whose kid is that?

I don't know, but he cross eyed as hell.

Wow, it even got your bracelet.

Oh, dang.

That doesn't look like you. That looked like you mixed with Mike Shefer.

I think the curly hair was really throwing AI for a loop. Can you pull up the video link that I emailed you?

Email link.

Look at this because it's going to start playing. This is one of the wildest things I've seen. This was recently in South Africa. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Holy shit. The fucking street just exploded. Loads out of nowhere.

There should be a law out there that the street.

Can't do that. The thing is, up until this point, at least what I've read, is that they have no idea what caused this.

Oh.

Good. Is that not just terrifying?

You're just at the council meeting. Hey, so it was on the street when it blew up. Just seen what happened.

We couldn't tell you. Hey, your guess is as good as ours. What do you think? Imagine being this guy. I don't know what he's doing on the sidewalk, but just a fucking van comes flying your way. I wish there was sound to this video because I'm so curious to hear what that would have.

Sounded like. Or what if... Okay, hear me out. What if this is a courageous thing? They lured in all the local pedophiles in the white vans and then tried to take them all out at once.

Interesting.

There are a lot of.

White vans. I'm just saying.

Somebody was thinking. Yeah, I like where.

Your head's at.

Thank you. I feel like the execution could have been better because it seems like for the most part, the vans are fairly intact afterwards. I mean, there might have been some cases of whipl. Surprisingly, only one fatality was recorded from this. That's sad. No, it's extremely sad. But just seeing how this street explosion is, I'm surprised. And the fact that it's launching. What was it?

Just a gas burst, you think?

Probably just pipes running underneath because you can see how it literally it cuts in a straight line down the road. So I'm assuming that it's just like a pipe burst or whatever. But I think what I read was like, I think that was their first thought too. But they said the gas pipes that run under there, or at least under most streets in Johannesburg, they run at low pressure. And in that area, they were all fairly intact. So should we close out the show with some dropouts advice questions? I have fun with these. I like hearing from the audience and I feel like it's hard. I feel like sometimes we're talking at the audience and I like the back.

And forth. Oh, I have them all on. We're in a group call. It's like it goes through my headphones so I can hear them all at the same time.

Oh, right now? Yeah.

What did you say?

How did you...

Hold on. One of them's talking. Sorry. A thousand of them were talking. This is what God feels like when he gets prayers? Probably. No wonder.

He doesn't answer them.

No, no, no. It's hard to focus. It just got canceled.

All right. Dropouts advice.

I just wrote all these down, but what do you say to a man that's been drained of his self confidence and self worth?

I'd say buy the thing before they start doing background checks.

Come on, man. This guy is reaching out for help.

Yeah, but he appreciates humor if he's watching the show. I think it's getting to a habit and routine of a positive mindset. You've got to find your passion. And if you don't, you've got to hold yourself to a higher standard, whether that's waking up early, whether that's making your bed in the morning. It's just accomplishing smaller tasks to feel like you're the type of person you want to be. You just start acting like the type of person you want to be. And I think eventually you get there. I would say find people that you really admire and study their lives because you'll see that they also usually went through something that's tremultuous. And you can find comfort in knowing that they got of it. And these dark times don't last forever, but they were a teaching moment to make the best parts of their lives either more worthwhile or ability to capitalize on their lessons that they learned in these dark times. So I would say just don't give up on yourself as hard as that it is. And it's all about building momentum no matter how small that momentum is. It's like, I got to do one thing positive today for myself and you know what, let's do another one.

Somebody said if you can start putting one good day, you start with one good day and then the next day you try to have another good day. And you string enough of those together, you got a good life.

That's beautiful.

Just keep focusing. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I also think it's a really hard skill to learn and actually put into practice. But psychologically, fake confidence faints real confidence because eventually, if you tell yourself something enough, you'll start to believe it. And that goes both ways for positive and negative thoughts. But if you start transitioning those negative thoughts into positive ones, your brain will start to believe it, and that self confidence will start to come back. Are you asleep?

Okay, so the next one is interesting. The subject line is my brother gave me chlamity.

Retweet?

I'm.

Sorry, what? It comes with a super long explanation. I sure hope so. Or there's a long story short.

Drag it out. There needs to be no doubt in my mind that she did not have sex with her brother.

Okay, so hi there. Hello. A little back story of my situation. I'm 20 years old and in college right now. I was raised by my mom because my dad left when I was super young and haven't seen him since. I had been dating this guy, met...

Happens. Happens to the best of us.

And the worst.

I've been dating this guy at school for almost a year now, and things have been pretty rocky lately. We got into a terrible fright one weekend and he broke up with me. I decided to go out and try to distract myself by going to a party with some friends.

You hussy.

Oh, Zach. I said it. You can't put.

Her down. You Hussey.

This was a low moment in her life.

Okay, so you're going out to give comments, I beg you. I apologize. Keep going.

This guy started talking to me at the party and one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. You Hussey.

Zack. I was on the right train.

My boyfriend ex boyfriend, in parentheses, I don't know what we were at that point, called me the next week wanting to talk. We worked some things out and everything was fine. The guilt of hooking up with that guy kept eating me up so I went to my mom for some advice.

Sorry for calling you a hussy.

Yeah, she's a good person, okay?

Okay.

When we were talking, my mom asked to see a picture of the guy from the party. When I showed her, her face dropped and she started to freak out. I kept asking her what was wrong and finally she managed to calm down. She was saying she was her brother. And she told me that that was my father's son from his new marriage after my mom.

Oh.

Fuck. Happens.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't happen. It just doesn't. I don't care what anyone says. It doesn't happen.

A week or two later, I started having some symptoms that weren't normal and went and got tested and came back positive for Chlamitya. Holy shit. And so did my boyfriend. My boyfriend swears up and down that he didn't sleep with anyone other than me in that time, so it had to be from my half brother. And so now I have to confess to my boyfriend everything that happened.

What should I do? No, you don't. No, baby girl, you don't. You're going to be limed to your teeth for the rest of your life.

That has to stay.

With you. Can't you click Chomitia from a chicken or something? Koalas? Koalas. Tell them, yeah, say you went to a petting zoo and jerked off a koala. That's way easier to explain than having sex with your brother. What? That's one, objectively hilarious. Two, you're my hustle. You're my hustle. That's my h ussey right there.

Damn, just living on.

The edge. You're a hustle that hustles. That's insane. Do not tell your boyfriend. What are you thinking?

But where did she say that she got Chlamitya from?

For all he knows, she thinks that he gave her the her a chlamity. Now he's trying to be like, I didn't.

Now it's on him.

No, don't gaslight. Just be like, Wait, what happened? Neither of us did anything.

You're saying just don't even mention you.

Know what I mean? Sometimes you got to brush it under the rug and just keep on walking. Thanksgiving is going to be odd. You're both reaching for that gravy, realize you got that Gucci gravy now. Goodness. Happens.

No, it doesn't.

Just did, baby.

Oh, I'm sorry. Handsome. I think that's the first time feel like I've been left speechless on this podcast.

Do not tell your boyfriend. But does she? I am all for honesty and communication. Baby girl, you die with this one.

But should.

She.

Just say that she slept with somebody else? No. Keep that.

I don't think we need to bring it up.

I.

Think we bury this one. You guys were not not together. Morally, it depends on the person. Some people will be like, respectfully, some people wait. But technically, you weren't with anybody. You didn't do anything wrong.

Okay.

You got committee from your brother, and that can't.

Get out. Commitment is the one that's easy to get rid of. You take some medicine and then it's gone.

What's the one where you hit your penis with a mallet and then all the juice comes out?

Oh, my God.

That.

Almost made me throw up.

What do you know what I'm talking about?

I've heard that. I don't know what it is. Is that what that is?

It's good to have a clit.

Could you imagine?

Chloramidia can be treated.

Easily.

With antibiotics and it can be transferred through oral as well.

So.

You could have gone rogue with a Starbucks drink. I actually picked up the wrong one. Big bang boom. You got clit, midea.

You got clit, midea. Yeah. You know what? I'm with Zak on this one. Take that to.

Your grave. We all do things in our lives. E life that we regret. Some of them don't even see the light of the day. This is one of them.

Bold move, even sending that in on this podcast.

Objectively hilarious. You're hilarious, H ussey. I love that. Look at him straight. Who does he think he is?

I'm going to be completely I don't know what else to say.

Except for July 27th, please come to the live show. This is the last time you're going to hear about it. New York City. If you don't get your tickets, you're going to miss out on probably the best day of your life. We've got some very interesting things planned that you do not want to miss. It's a little insane. We got the Patri on. Go over there, be a part of it. You get that bonus episode.

The After at school special, we keep the.

Cameras rolling. 20 minutes extra. We do a drunk episode every month, which we're about to film tomorrow. We got to get some alcohol. And if you stay till the.

End.

Just DM me the word hussy. I'll know what it means.

And comment, Handsome is the sweetest boy to have ever lived..

Com.

Yeah, dot com.

All right, send us out. Jesus Christ. That one, that fucked me up.

He's so sweet. He's so tired.