I wasn't even trying to pick anybody up, but say I was, she always ruins it. And her name is Danielle. So I'm just talking to somebody. I'm just like, Hey, how are you? And then Danielle, she'll come up so serious without people knowing we know each other and go, Just be careful. He's been touching people here. Oh, my God. He's been getting a little handsy. I want to warn you as a woman to woman, and then she'll walk away. And boy, does that cease the small talk. Objectively funny? Hilarious bit. She'll walk in and be like, You've had your hand over your drink the whole time, right? Because Zak's pretty swift and swipe with what he does. Yeah. She falls, Bill Cosby's me. I'm going to tell you something right now. What's that? I got to talk about something right now.

Okay.

This is a thought experiment. Hypothetical. This means nothing to anybody in the room. Okay?

All right. But I.

Do want your ears perked, old assistant there. Say you Jared Bayly had a friend, a girl. Not a girlfriend, a friend that is a woman. All right. And I... Okay, no, she was going through a period in her life life where she was being promiscuous. A lot of people say a ho phase. I think that's demeaning to women.

But a ho phase. Well, I feel like guys can also go.

Through a ho phase. Jared, don't be a menemist right now, okay?

A menemist?

I'm talking about something important. Okay. Would you let me fill her needs?

So this is a friend of mine that is a girl.

There's no way you need.

To walk this back. No, I'm just making sure I have no romantic attachment to her. Zero real. And she's going through a little bit of a phase, a promiscuous phase.

Yeah. The PF, as the scientist.

Call it. And you would like to experience?

Not that I would like to. She really needs to get felt up. I don't know the problem by you? Not. I'm an option.

Okay, you're an option.

Would you let me... Let's stop beating around the bush and acting like we're vocabulary. Would you let me hit?

Yeah, I'd let you smash.

I'd give.

You the green light.

For sure. Alyssa?

Is this Alyssa.

We're talking about? Is your mic not even plugged up?

She doesn't even have a mic. Fuck.

This thing's going down. You didn't want to be what? You didn't want to be what? I don't have a mic.

Why? Why? That's literally part of the show.

Okay, now over to Alyssa.

So I'm.

The friend?

No, Alyssa, your friend's going through this. And this was a whole thing towards you. But I was using Jared as a pawn in my conversation.

I like the word muse.

You won't let me spank your friend sexually.

No. That's a little.

Selfish, don't you think? Don't you think?

No.

Why? You literally told me she wants to get out there. She wants to feel a masculine touch, a testosterone tickle. And you won't let me smush.

Your friend has needs and you are depriving her of those needs. I feel like it's weird. That, I think, makes.

You a bad friend. Would it be weird?

It would just be an uncomfortable situation.

Or two Homo sapiens getting heterosexual.

But then I.

Would know... I feel like I was at slam poetry.

You're not going.

To be there.

I'm not selling tickets.

I would know every detail if there was my friend.

That's great. I wouldn't want to know every detail. What if you did this? Okay, your friend's like, I'm about to tell you every detail. And you go, I'm good. What if you threw out it and I'm good out there?

Yeah, that sounds like a pretty solid... Wait, wait. Now you want to know the detail. You sick.

Mother F. You want to Yeah, you want her to draw my penis from memory. That's disgusting. Yeah, and you've just been canceled. That's the craziest thing. Can you hit some intro music? I've got probably a lot to say. Okay. Wait. Okay. July 27th. You might be thinking, What am I doing with my life? I'm on the East Coast or not, and I have a lot of money burning a hole in my pocket. Guess what we're doing? Zach and Jared, mostly Zach. We're doing a live podcast. We sold out the one in LA, so you already missed that one. But this show is going to be bigger, better, and.

Badder on.

The East Coast. But like.

The good, good, bad.

Yeah, like a woman Jared's never been with, bad.

All right, that's.

Disrespectful to you only. So if you want to get tickets, link in the description. Honestly, if you're not there, I will take flyers and take out one of your molars while you're sleeping and you'll wake up to agony. Nobody wants that. Also, ow. I'm supposed to say this. We have a Patron. We recently just did a drunk episode where.

These two... Oh, my gosh. That was probably one of the funniest episodes I've ever seen of ours.

Put in a little segment from it right here. I'm in couples therapy right now. I like to think you guys came in blitzed with medieval times. It's the.

Most fun couples therapy I.

Could ever do. With medieval times, hats on. Okay, guys, so how was this week? It was.

Fucking amazing. Awesome until she called me short and fat.

I didn't call you.

Short and fat.

We had a great time at medieval times, but she was horned up over the Green Knight.

You would be, too. You were also horned up over the Queen.

Yeah, because she was hot and she wasn't a bitch.

Remember our words mean something.

Yeah, I fully mean it.

I understand, Mr. Bailey. Mrs. Alberti, does it hurt you when your husband says these things about you?

Why does she have a different last name.

Than me? Did you guys come to the session drunk?

No, we're sober.

Sir, you have an open heart. How dare you? We're going to do an exercise. Can you tell me three things you like about your wife? I'm glad you guys can at least laugh together.

Yeah, that's one thing I like about her. She knows how to...

You look like a psychopath. You're crying during medieval times. You have one shoe off and you're you're drinking. So basically, if we get to 10,000 patrons, which we're nowhere close, I'm going to do a drunk episode with you guys. Really? And you guys know I don't drink alcohol. Oh, my God. And you're welcome.

That's got to be the best.

Incentive I've ever heard. I'm a giver. And you might be thinking, Zach, to make generational wealth just to drink alcohol, one sounds like a little bit of a... You're pulling the wool over our heads. And to that, I'll say, how did you pick up on our manipulation? Anyway, p atrian down low. Tickets to the show down low. We have... God, what are we promoting this whole podcast? I guess. We have merch. We have merch. We almost sold out of, which is insane. I think it's because the quality is a little bit better than...

The quality is fantastic.

My life.

That's what everyone was like, What?

And what are you laughing about? Okay, I don't want to be this way. Jerry brought this up. He said, Women in this house? What? Spoken speak when spoken to?

There's only one woman in.

This house.

Wow. That should be a pretty easy rule to.

Follow then. I haven't seen what you're working with behind your zippers, so I don't know if you're a woman. Or identify as this cover my basis.

Not well.

What do you mean?

That.

Was woke as hell. Hand me a bug light right now. Shotgun it right now.

At a drag show. We have to get to 10,000 patrons for you to do that.

Jaren, we're done promoting. I wrote things down I want to talk about.

Oh, you did?

Oh, the greatest day of my life.

What's the.

Greatest day of your life? Let me set the scene. Alyssa, pipe up your ears. You're going to want to hear this. Okay. In all honesty, you're pretty much just living a dream of maybe three people on this earth of where you get to watch this podcast live every week and you take it for granted. You didn't even... Okay, anyway.

You've never even said thank you.

She said thank you with her body. Not a sexual thing. She just made me eggs. Okay, also, we got to pipe that up a little bit. I want more eggs.

You want.

More eggs? I want eggs and some meat in the morning, please. Thank you. This is what happened. Jared and I were in San Diego, California, family trip. Don't know why Jared's there, but he's been on the last year.

Your mom has said I am more than part of the family.

I would say the same thing if you were in front of my face if I was her. How many trips have you been on now?

I think three now.

Too many. Let's move on. So we're paddling around. This is our last day in San Diego. A lot of people are saying, I've seen tears actually out of my family members eyes, oh, we've peaked as on our trip. There won't be anything of interest to talk about or to revel about when we're mulling in our personal homes because we live separately. So we're walking down the street. This is moments after we consume sushi.

Alyssa, what? I just realized where this is going.

Sorry, it takes I'm walking past a building that has good deals called a Goodwill. I look through the window of the Goodwill and I noticed that the items in the front display look like a TJ Max. This is a well put together Goodwill. This isn't Target. Let's not go crazy here. This is a rundown TJ Max.

This is still a consignment store.

Don't use words like that. I'll fight the hell out of you. I'm like, I gather the family. Let's all go in there. Why not? I get a couple of pushbacks from people. Zach, we've walked so far. I can smell treasure. Okay? I'm like, Alyssa, anyway, I can't say that joke.

I know where it's going, but I also don't. I don't know where it was going. You don't want to know where it's going.

Guys, we walk in. We're perusing, maybe 5 to 10 minutes. Jaren and I are making jokes about things. We pick up an old pan. Oh, this is a nice pan, we might say.

To each other. We found a shake weight.

We did find a shake weight.

That was the first time I've ever used a shake weight.

I feel like both of our minds went instantly to masturbation when we were using it.

We shook the weight together very vigorously.

I think you're going to bring that up. We quadruple shook the weight. Should we show them? Yeah. Okay. So this is what we did. It was like a hand, hand, hand. Imagine there's a shake weight in the middle. We're getting to work out. We're working real hard. Okay. And then I find that Mickey Mouse Waffle Turner into Mickey Mouse's face, I think is the proper term. I'm like, Oh, this would love this. I buy it for her. She doesn't say thank you. What?

I forgot about it.

It's still in the truck. Why didn't you give it.

To her? Because we didn't unload the truck.

I'll unload in the back of the room. Don't worry, the audio can pick that up. Mikes aren't that good yet. Okay, so we're prudent around the store. We're about to leave and something tickles my ear, almost like a whisper. Could have been God. Could have been any religious figure that is bigger than me as a Deity. And it says, Go to the back right corner. I look around, I go, is that a what? The Jared, what? Now we're in sight. He's in the clothes section. Okay. Go to the back right corner. Okay. This time I hear it again. I get on Zock doc to see if it's a schizophrenia. No.

I'm really glad you ruled that out.

This is a prophecy.

It's not a very elegant prophecy.

Jared, go to the.

Back right corner. It just doesn't have a ring to it.

Okay, this was the best day of my life. Sorry. I start walking, I'm walking. I'm a little scared. I'm like, Okay, am I going to meet a small Victorian child who was able to whisper to me from afar?

Are you going to meet an inter dimensional being that's talking to you like interstellar?

Am I? Dot, dot, dot. Ellipses, as the kids say. I'm in the back and I see golf clubs, I see a tennis racket. Hold on. Well, stuffed up. Just took a nap with dust in my room. And I noticed a purple object that I immediately recognized as a high priced item. And I go to it, I pick it up and I was like, no, there's no way. Is this what I think it is? Is this a Dyson Animal Plus vacuum? V8. Yeah, there are a lot of Vs, specifically 7 plus 1 of them. And I was like, okay, there's no way this works. How much does this item.

Usually.

Cost? Highball it to make the podcast better.

On the marketing, it can go upwards of $400, $500.

I got DMs of 600, but we'll stay yours. Really ruined the story. Sorry. I take it out. I'm like, No way this works. Okay, hand on the trigger.

Just don't say it.

All right. This thing is sucking a list on a weekend. I'm out there in the Goodwill just absolutely doing the Lord's will. I'm cleaning things that have never been cleaned up. Is that a fingernail over there? Bang, right in my system.

Is that a dust bunny right there? Why did you stop so abruptly?

Why did.

You stop.

So abruptly? I just don't like when you include yourself in Jovial Acts, Jovial Conversations. Sorry. I was having joy, you siphoned it like the.

Gas crisis. But I was trying to add to it.

Why?

Because I saw how.

Excited you were. And you don't think I could carry your story about myself? You feel like you can jump in there anytime you want? Why don't you take a premiere then? If you want to talk about it, I want you to take a premiere.

I don't want to talk about it. I was just adding to your story because it was so enthralling that I was.

Like, Oh, my goodness. Well, it sounds like you got a little jealous of the best day of my life. So you're just like, How do I make this about me? I didn't. What are you.

Talking about, making about you? I was talking about you sucking up dust bunnies.

Okay, look at the price tag. $79.99. Whoa, high price. Jared, tell me the price of a normal Dyson AirV acu me animal plus V8?

Well, I heard you got DMs that could go for $600 on the market.

That's how you join into a conversation. And that's called growth. So immediately I'm grasping it and I'm holding it. I take it to the front. People from the store are coming up to me. I heard things like, no way. No way, people said. I said, Yeah, man. And then she asked me, then she rung it up and I walked out with it.

You also got... You used your U NLV.

I also lied.

You did lie. You got it for even cheaper.

I saw a display that had words on it that said, if you're a student, you get 10 % off. I have a card that looks like I'm a student, but it has no affili to a college I ever attended. And I used that as a big old fat liar, but I slid it with confidence. And the sweet lady, she didn't even look at the price tag. She said, how much does that cost?

She had so much faith in you. You could have said five bucks.

I could have said, yeah, she wouldn't have taken that. She's a reasonable lady. But I could have said 40 easily walked out of there with a profit. Not really. Still in a loss. Anyway, I bought the item. Melissa, are you listening?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you think of the story so far? I want to take a drink. Do you guys hear how stuffed my nose is?

Yeah, welcome to my life. All right.

Alyssa, you tell me how the story has been going so far because I really want to hear this. I'm going to go blow my nose.

I think it's going in eight out of ten.

What could make it better? I don't know.

I mean, it was a good story.

It was about a vacuum. Yeah, it was probably the most exhilarating story about finding a vacuum that you could ever tell.

That's true. That's true.

He said something about doing what he's.

Working with. Do you need a tissue?

Huh? Do you need a tissue?

Now.

She's asking me how to speak with him.

He said you were going to look at this and he didn't.

Okay, well, speak when spoken to. Oh, my gosh. What? I put my leg up right down the thigh. Full gooch. What if you catch a left nut for no reason? Crime. Crime. Also demonetization. You don't get paid, you lose a job, you're on the streets. You're sucking Jared off for money. That's what needs to be avoided. Tell them what happened when you're walking home.

So we're walking home and this man has the vacuum, what's the word? Saddled up on his shoulder. And he's walking like a king. He's walking like King Arthur with Excalibur on his shoulder. And he's walking down. Heads are turning. You would have thought Elvis Presley was walking down the street.

Or a guy with a decent vacuum.

Immediately, we walk out of the store.

Three.

Gentlemen. Three gentlemen, most likely frat guys. They walk out and he goes, Whoa, no way. Dude, sick find.

And that.

With that exact cadence, too.

I don't know what heroin feels like. Decently similar. It's a synonym of how I was feeling on top of the world. I was walking home, a lot of people made comments about the vacuum. A lot of them were young, beautiful ladies of age, really of age, not fresh 18, 20s. Jesus, listen, hounding me over here. And they were looking at the vacuum, Whoa. And then I'd be like, yes, goodwill. And they'd be like, go off. A lot of people are using this term right now. They're like, Go off, king. You know when people think they're original? They're like, Go off, king. I'm like, thank you.

And then when you're on your walk home with a vacuum that you found at a Goodwill and you hear about 30 go off Kings.

Oh, I thought I ruled at least a mile radius of where we were because I thought I was a king. But yeah, that packages up the story and ships it pretty well.

That's a good story about a vacuum.

Thank you, man. I felt like a student who their essays due pretty soon and I got to get the words out.

You got.

To get to five thoughts. I really could just say in a normal podcast, that's where people get it wrong. You can elaborate anything. Oh, yeah. A normal podcast, like Alyssa used to have a podcast. She'd probably be like, Oh, I went to Goodwill. I found a really good price disin vacuum. And then the person would be like, Oh, my gosh, it's great. Story over. How much time do we just eat it up?

20.

Minutes. Exactly. And we're 11. Anyway, we went to San Diego. We also went to Vidcon. Do we talk about that? People care.

Do we talk about it or did we talk about it? Do we? I honestly don't know if anything that crazy happened at Vidcon.

I ripped my jeans. So did I. When?

I ripped it when we went to Sophie's warehouse. Who? Dossy? Sofie Dossy? What? Sophie Dossing?

Oh.

We.

Had fun without you. Sorry. No, you guys keep me up too late.

Oh, well, she does. I like to go to bed early when.

We're on vacation. It's hard to say no to a small woman who shoots bows and arrows with her feet.

Yeah, it's also hard to say no to a trampoline in a foam pit.

Or a tramp in general.

Like Lady and the Tramp?

Like Alice's Friend.

Oh, she wasn't happy.

About that one. No, she's still sad that she didn't get to go in the foam pit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You can go some other time. I think we're decent friends with her now. Do you think that solidified her friendship with Old Bendy?

I think it definitely helped.

Okay, let me set the scene for you. We're jumping on a trampoline.

Here we go.

Here's the 20 minutes. I ripped. I'm going to brush past it because that's what you said he wanted to do. I ripped a knee in my jeans. I ripped a jean. The knee part of my jeans ripped.

Oh, wait. I didn't rip my pants there. I ripped my pants when we went to her meet and greet, and we were acting like fans. And I took a photo with her trying to do the splits. That's when I ripped my pants. Were you scared.

That things would.

Fall out? Well, it was right here. Right where? Right in the Gucci.

Alyssa, look. Alyssa, no, look at him right there.

Right there is a pretty decent sized hole. You could see my boxers.

What do you think about that? There's a dog in his pants. A breed that's usually very active right there. His boxers. Huh? She thinks she saw that with her blonde hair. She's not even talking the podcast anymore.

Oh, I know. What did I say?

No, because you said speak when.

Spoken to. I would never say that. Now, a demon might have possessed. That's wild that you can just say that. Say what? I bet that works in the church.

What? Just speak when spoken to? No. Oh, like a demon possessed you?

Yeah, you can say anything and then come back to the congregation the next week and be like, Sorry, you all. A demon possessed me. Well, I feel like... And then you cast it out and you just do a fake seizure you're good to go. So we get back from San Diego.

And we're not going to tell any San Diego stories?

What happened there that was of interest? I don't know. Well, the vacuum thing was a pretty big highlight.

I know, but.

We.

Can't talk about your family. We were at a restaurant and his grandpa orders... We went to a wing place. His grandpa orders a burger and it came with lettuce, tomatoes, onions. Buffalo wing place. He wanted no lettuce on there and the burger came out. He also didn't order a side with it. The burger came out and it had lettuce. So mad. It had lettuce on it and it had tater tots on the side. And you would have thought that they killed someone in his family the way he was about to burn.

You would have thought he was in Japan in Hiroshima part two was heading their way. He was ticked. So he tells them, Hey, I just don't want lettuce on my burger. He says it in a little bit of a more angry way. I don't know why he's so mad at restaurants. And they bring the Burger, they set it down, it has lettuce on it. He goes, Who the hell put in a Burger? And then he's like, Get somebody. And then we're just like, That's not yours. That is my Uncle Ryan's Burger. And it was... I don't understand the lack of patience at restaurants. I feel like maybe back in the day, it was nice to be rude to waiters and waitresses because... Was it ever? No, I'm just trying to get the benefit of the doubt.

I feel like there's the only time you can do that.

Is my grandpa does think he's the only person in the restaurant. I've been using this next sponsor for quite some time. Even before they sponsored us, Rocket Money, not many services pretty much give you money the way Rocket Money does. You sign up, you pay them a little sum, but you get your money back. You want to know why? How many subscriptions in your life have you just forgotten about? Probably too many. Quite a few. Well, it itemizes it for you. It's like, you're probably not really using this. Once you unsubcribed, you unsubcribed and you get your money back. Also, another service is a lot of times when we're subscribed to something, whoever it might be, Netflix might up the prices. It's like, I don't want to pay that price. And then I didn't even know they up the price. They keep that on track for you so you know if you're paying more. It saves you money. It makes your life better because you can spend money on what, Jared? Memories. Not these subscriptions when you got 46, eight of them. Can you believe in something bigger than yourself, like rocket money, Jared? Four.

Oh, is it funny, huh? That I'm passionate about something? That I'm going to the moon on a rocket? And what is that funded by money? Rocket money. I've saved all my subscription money to fund a rocket to the moon.

Just in case you couldn't tell by Zach's passion, rocket.

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Use it. Thank you, Rocket Money.

Our next sponsor is Better Help, and this might be the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. As a lot of you know, I've struggled a little bit with my mental health, as has Jared, and we have found that therapy is the best way to combat that. I like to use this analogy. We go to the gym for our bodies and work out, but there's this stigma about working on our brain and becoming the best mentally stable person we can. I was scared of it for a while until I found a way to have it more accessible to me. It's a lot less scary when you do on your computer. Better Help offers that. They pair you with a licensed therapist that's perfect for you. You can speak about your issues, your day, or really anything you want to talk about so you can get in the best mental state possible. When I say it has changed my life for the better, I mean, 10 X. I cannot recommend a product more than Better Help. It changed anges. I've said it changes lives, but there's no other way to describe it. It's the exact same thing you need.

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I am using it.

Then why the hell am I talking so much? I don't know. Is there a way that these people can get, I don't know, a discount if they use a code or something? Is there anything of that nature?

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Anyway, so this is is the one time of year. San Diego is the one time of year I get to hang out with my family and I get to see them, have conversations, memories, and things like that. And it got cut a little short. That's okay. Things like that happen, I want to talk about why it was cut short and I don't want to say fault, but who's a big part of it being cut short. And that would be the guy sent.

To my right. Hell no, you can't put.

That on me. I'm actually going to speak my truth. That's okay. And then I'm going to give you your time to speak.

Let's hear this because I can fucking clap back, all right?

Go off, King. Thank you. Thank you, peasant. It's the last day. My mom just wants to play board games with me. And Jared hears about this party going on in LA. And the girl that he is interested in is going to be there. And he doesn't give me a chance to form more memories with my mom who has a good an illness.

First of all, she doesn't have an illness.

That we know about.

I got freaking receipts for this story. Continue.

We leave a little early and we head to this party and I'm just thinking about my family the whole time. I wish I could just form another memory with them. I wish I could have something to look back on when I'm on my deathbed to be like, Hey, that was a good day with them. That was a good memory.

Don't fucking fake cry.

Right now. Oh, my God. You can't treat me this way.

Okay? Well, this whole story is a crack of shit, okay? And you're making me look like the bad guy when this was all your idea.

Again, I'm just speaking who I am directly.

To camera. Who you are is wrong.

That's what I can't deal with anymore. So we get to the party. I'm thinking, okay, the least Jared can do is maybe hang out with me with this girl. I'm not going to be his shadow. I'm not going to be following him everywhere, but maybe include me in the conversation. Right when I get there, pow, he gets this, he leaps.

This is all wrong.

This is.

All.

The opposite. He's flirting. What's the grade school game on a playground? He's doing kissy face without the running, if you know what I mean.

I don't know. I've never heard of it.

You've never played kissy face?

Mm. I thought you were talking about hops Scotch.

At first. You've never played kissy face? Mm. Or someone, like a girl, would be like, I'm going to kiss you. And then they'd run and try to kiss you. And then you run away because cooties are terrible at that age.

No, never heard of that.

Okay, comment below if you've heard of kissy face. You might have called it something different, maybe like running kiss.

I mean, you just described the game and I still have never heard of anything like that.

So, yeah, he's talking it there. So I'm like, okay, Zak, be independent. I'm walking around speaking to women and just being friendly and things like that. And then I have another friend who enjoys throwing me under the bus around women. I wasn't even trying to pick anybody up, but say I was, she always ruins it. And her name is Danielle. So I'm just talking to somebody. I'm just like, Hey, how are you? And then Danielle, she'll come up so serious without people knowing we know each other and go, Just be careful. He's been touching people here. Oh, my God. He's been getting a little handsy. I want to warn you as a woman to woman, and then she'll walk away. And boy, does that cease the small talk.

From the moment those words leave her mouth to the girl turns around and walks away.

Objectively funny?

Oh, the bit. Yeah. No, hilarious bit.

She'll walk in and be like, You've had your hand over your drink the whole time, right? Because Zak's pretty swift and swipe with what he does. Damn. Yeah, she falls, Bill Cosby's me.

All that rascal. But what's the Timer? What's the countdown till that girl walks away from you? Are we talking sub five seconds or.

Does she stick around? Why would you bring up a sub?

What are you talking about?

After five deaths. What? Fuck. You think you're funny?

No.

Do you.

Think you're funny? You're the one that made that connection.

Sorry that my synapse in my brain are firing on all cylinders right now. Sorry that I'm so exhilarated in conversation that I'm able to go from point A to point B to even point Q because I got off track at lightning speeds. Maybe my brain just moves a little fast. Cheers.

You definitely just.

Dented the mic. Don't care. I pay for this mic.

First of all, I want to clear some things up in this story. It was your idea to go to her party. Okay, this is our friend Jess. It was her birthday yesterday.

I.

Texted her because we were planning on leaving Saturday morning, which is today, around I don't know what time, probably 10 AM. Ten AM.

Sure.

I texted her Friday afternoon and I said, Hey, so sorry, we're not going to be able to make it to your party, but I hope you have a great time. Happy birthday. I can show the text. I can show the text to prove that I said this because we were planning on leaving the next morning so that we could play games with your family.

But.

Then Zachary comes to me and.

He says, My formal name. Why don't you give him my government name?

They know your government name already. It's not a secret. Okay, keep going. So he comes to me and he says, Hey, my aunt Cindy is leaving at three o'clock in the morning. Cody, your cousin, is leaving at 5 AM and your mom and grandpa are leaving at 6 AM. So everyone's going to be gone by the time that we wake up. So why don't we just leave tonight? And then we can make it to the party. All right, fuck you. And then when we get to the party, you ditch me. That's all I'm going to say.

No?

Yes.

Me in the middle? Maybe. Alyssa, bring something up, or if you think you're of such value. Are we allowed to talk about Marshmallow DJing for us without a helmet on?

Maybe.

There's only 15 of us in the room and he was teaching us how to DJ with no helmet on.

It was a pretty cool moment.

Okay, should we just leave it at that?

Yeah, we can just leave.

It at that. We don't want to.

We don't want to.

Be those guys. We don't want to be name droppers. No. Who was the guy again? It was like a one third of a smur. It wasn't chocolate. It wasn't Graham Cranberry.

What's the third part?

Listen.

A mellow, a Marshmallow?

That's who DJed in front of us. That's who DJed in front of us with that helmet on. Interesting. We'll move on relatively quickly. What else did I want to talk about? I got in trouble for saying a vegetable joke.

That was so funny.

This is going to be offensive. Okay, so we... It's dark humor. It's dark humor. So we were at Vidcon and we were going to the business section where maybe you can spark up a brand deal with someone. And we're at a booth and these sweet, wonderful ladies are trying to get to know us better by asking us random questions. And unfortunately, when you have a brain like mine and I get a little bored, I go rogue and I am unkind and I derail the conversation to serve my own needs of fulfilling stimulation.

I wouldn't say you're unkind.

I am very kind.

What would you say? You're very kind. You just unhinged is what I would say.

And so the ladies... Did we tell this or this?

I don't think so.

Okay, so the ladies are going around asking us questions like, Oh, what's your favorite animal? And people are like, I like a cheater. And then I like bugs. I like a dog. And then they ask, what's your favorite vegetable? And people are going around here. It's like a carrot. Somebody's like, a celery. I'm like, Steven Hawking. And when I say I shut down the energy in the room.

The conversation was so bubbly. We were all cracking jokes. We were having fun with the animal questions and whatever. S he doubles down on it. T he girl asked the question, she goes, I'm sorry, what did you say? Zach goes, What was the question? She goes, What's your favorite vegetable? T hen he goes, Steven Hawking.

Yeah, I was sure in my answer.

And she just stares at him and then is completely silent. The other girl just looks down and turns away. And it is silent for, I think, 30 seconds before anyone says anything again. And we're all just staring at.

Each other. Oh, my God. I said, Didn't like that one, huh? Yeah, I thought we were all joking.

Why are they asking you animal.

And vegetable? That's why I had to throw some out there. The conversation was boring. You know what I mean? You're in third grade. Yeah, I agree. I feel like, if anything else... They were what?

Demeaning our banter.

I don't think they were. I just think that they just wanted to ask dumb questions. Dumb?

Now you're demeaning their banter.

No, I just.

Mean like... This is a woman we're talking about. Two, actually, you're putting down. No. How many years of women have been oppressed, E lissa? A long time. A long time. And just for that, we're switching conversations. How do you feel about that? You're about to go on a role.

Well, now I feel bad. You made me feel bad.

Say sorry.

I'm sorry. To who? Those women. All women. Especially minorities. Especially minorities.

Cover your bases. Dude, people are going to clip that? You're going to be president one day. Just in case that... Do you want votes for the other side?

What.

Other sides? Just say this, Rick. Go ahead and look down the barrel.

Okay.

I prefer to be in a room with only white people.

Go. I'm not going to say that. But people are going to clip you and.

You're never going to trust them. No, I don't believe that.

Yeah, but it's going to be taken so out of context. God.

Sometimes you get God. That's not what I believe, though. I'm trying to get you to be the president. I'm trying to do something real nice and you're going to twist it on me.

No, that's not the way to do it. I can.

Tell you that. If you're going to do this, why don't you bop it and pull it as well? Twist it. Okay. What are the things that when you have them, it's the worst thing in the world? Right now, I'm a little congested and I don't appreciate life when I'm not congested. What are some things that you under appreciate? Hick up.

I get really bad hiccups a lot.

Because you drink consistently?

No, I don't drink consistently or considerably.

Well, maybe considerably. We're talking about to the average person.

To the average person? Yeah. I'm on the lighter side of considerably because when I go out, I binge drink, but I don't do it all that often and I've really tuned down.

Okay, one of the worst. What about a little canker sore in your mouth? Inside mouth where you're trying to chew, your teeth's gripping, against it.

Or when you're brushing your teeth and then the bristle, the mint toothpaste or the bristels get in there.

I realize I'm carrying this podcast. Alyssa. What's she just eating now? What the fuck was that? What?

That was rude.

What did I say? I realized I'm carrying this podcast. Sorry, Alyssa, you're allowed to eat on the podcast. Don't worry, the only reason I say that is because when people hear that, guess what they're going to comment?

Jared.

I love you more. You're the best.

So this is.

All calculated. It's not it's for your benefit.

Well, that's still manipulation.

I would say I'm platforming you in a way that demeans me.

Is this gas lighting?

I think it's for the good.

Alyssa just she nodded her head.

What are some more more things.

I feel like everything has to do with the face. Or, okay, not going face, hang nails.

When you got one and you got to rip it, it's going to be a little bloody.

Oh, yeah. You take a little bit of skin with you and it goes down under the nail.

Or a pimple that is really close to your mouth. And then you're like, People are going to think I've got herpes. Yeah. And like, No, this was acne, which is still gross. Acney mouth. Imagine being called that. Call me that.

You gross little acne mouth.

God, that hurts.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

But you said it.

Only because you asked me to.

Can you do Jira's eyebrows?

Oh, I do need them done. They're a little wild up there. All of the above. Thread them. That's something to do, right? You don't know how to thread.

What is threading? That's some skill. You put that on your resume that you have that.

I lie on my resume. Doesn't everybody?

Okay, so sounds like someone needs a performance review. What kind?

Not a good one. Oh, I think you meant...

Okay, when you bite your.

Cheek.

That happened to me the other day. Dude, that fuck.

Me up. Burn your tongue or bite your face. Don't burn the roof of your mouth.

Oh, my God. Honestly, just burning anything, like your fingers and stuff, too.

Yeah, but the tongue, it takes away another sensitivity of taste as well. It's like taste and touch. What are we doing here? The two Ts? The tuple T tangos?

Speaking of.

Tongue, this guy is about to go on on a roll.

Well, shit. Now you set it up, and now I feel like what I say is going to be lackluster. I just learned that grimace is a taste bud. What? Did anyone else know that? Like Grimace because the whole Grimace shake thing or whatever. The mascot is supposed to be a tastebud.

I thought Ronald McDonald was a mascot.

He is.

A mascot. I didn't know Grimace existed until a day ago.

Really? What about the hamburger?

I have no.

Idea what that means. You have no idea who the hamburger is? No. You didn't have a childhood?

That's insane. Sounds like.

The Pink Panther. Did you ever watch the TV show? The Ronald McDonald.

Tv show? I never watched the TV show either. How much McDonald's did you have growing up as.

A kid? Looks like quite a bit. Fuck. Look. Dude, I wanted to keep it in the quiver, but the arrow was knocked.

You probably.

Should have. The arrow was knocked and people were coming fast. The Calvary was set in. Oh, she's going to be thinking about that later. Thanks, man. I eat a lot of... Okay, it could have been... No, I.

Just won't eat now.

Right, Zach. This is the first time I've ever seen her eating all day.

Wait, what is she eating?

Actually, well, not all day. This is the first time I've ever seen her eat ever. That's more sust than just.

Don't you think it's natural selection that a comment, a small comment by someone is going to make her...

Murder myself?

At what point is.

It.

Not my fault? It's just tough it up. Great. Now there's going to be comments.

Way to.

Go, Zack. Alyssa's fat.

I'm really off myself.

That's how I get off on you first.

Oh.

Man. Okay. No, you got to cover your basis. Alyssa, you're not fat at Port Kiff, could. Okay. What are you doing, man?

That was a laugh.

Did you guys miss me? That's crazy.

Huh? Yes. Good job. You said it.

Whatever. You didn't miss us. You didn't even reach out.

I did miss you.

Action speak louder than words. Have you heard the term?

Yeah, love.

The term. But you didn't. Because I didn't.

Want to interrupt you guys.

It's fun time. You think a text would be like... I would just be like...

But I did text you guys. No!

Damn it!

God! But I did text you guys.

What did you say?

Only about work, though. Only about work.

And so I feel like.

You need a work life balance.

We weren't really friends in that moment.

We were coworkers.

I feel like I'm being gas lit.

And you should. Because you are. Yeah. No, we did.

Did you hook up with any of your back home boys?

I will not be discussing.

You got your clitson's legs.

Gross.

What do you want? Big bean factory? Because your bean got processed or whatever.

That was a stretch, but.

I like the attack. Alissa's legs are stretched. You Excel at getting spread in those sheets.

That was good.

Gosh, I got to recover. Did you, though, have sex with anybody?

No.

Well, you said that with your face. All right, we'll talk about it on the Patrion. Will you tell us on the Patrion? Yeah. Oh. Spicy. Wait, did I say what episode this was?

No.

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Episode 159 of Dropouts.

I think it's 158.

Is it?

I think so. I think Ray Romano was 157.

I've never been wrong. First time. This is what it feels like. New territory. It's like I'm on the moon. What's gravity like here?

It's a.

Little heavier. Oh, Jared met a girl on... Oh, well, Jared's talking to a girl, but also cheating on her a little bit.

No.

I'm not. Just a little.

No, you made up this whole fake story about me meeting this girl on the beach, and everything was total BS in it. Okay, thank God you only put it on your close friends. Yeah, you made up this whole BS story about how I was falling in love with this girl on the beach that just asked to play cornhole with us.

Okay, we were playing cornhole on the beach. This woman walked up and said, Can I play with you guys? Jared said, Go to that side. I couldn't stand by Jared. He wanted to stand by Chloe. And you guys played cornhole and you guys had banter. She was basically wearing underwear.

She was wearing a bikini, but we weren't having banter like that. It was just like trash talking in the cornhole game.

You smack her rump and said good game. I didn't smack her ass. Stop. Why would you say that? There's no reason to cuss. Think of how many other words you could have for a buttocks. List them off. But.

One. Hiny.

Two. Tush.

Three.

Glutus Maximus.

Scientific. Four.

I don't know.

What else? Bum.

Bum's a good one. Five. Rump.

You said rump.

Booty.

Dump truck. Dump truck. Turd cutter.

Cake. Turd cutter.

I don't like the imagery that comes with that one.

What did you say?

Cake. Oh, cake's a good one.

I do like cake.

Badonka donk.

How do you feel that we didn't have a birthday for you?

Like on the podcast? Birthday party.

Do we know how to do that? I thought we wish you had a birthday. I thought we really.

Have a birthday. You did wish. Well, we had Jeremy and Lauren on.

Do you still want to have a birthday party here?

We can have people over. Like who? I don't think it needs to be all of our friends. I don't think This motherfucker. Mind? What?

Is that not who you're.

Talking to? It is, but I'd appreciate it if you stop saying your name.

Her nipples are pierced. They're not? How would you know? Exactly. Be hooked and gutted.

No, we can still have a little... We can have people over, but it doesn't have to be like.

Jared's birthday. Are we still going to get matching swimming shirts so we don't have to show off our bodies?

I would very.

Much appreciate that. Okay, but we've got to talk about e got to walk outside. What if we get him done like, This is my swimming shirt, or something on the front.

You want to call more attention to it?

Actually, no. People are going to ask, Why are you wearing a swimming shirt? Okay, hear me out. We got really bad sunburns.

What if we're just straight up and we're just on the front of it? We say, I'm insecure about my body.

Alyssa, which one would you like better?

Why don't you just take.

Your shirts off? Okay. Hornie McHorneston over there. Jesus. Jeez, if you're looking for a tip, just ask for that 20 %, baby.

What the fuck does that mean?

Like the tip?

No, I know.

Oh, you do? You know? Yeah. I just... Ready? 3, 2, 1. Little do you know? What do you think about that? It's good. Thank you.

Okay, but which swim shirt should we go with? I have a bad sunburn or I'm insecure about my body?

Probably the sunburn. But I think you guys should just know shirt it.

Alyssa.

Yeah.

We've talked about this before. You don't have any guys in your life. I don't have any women in my life. I'm thinking we try out a date. Can you describe her reactions to me? I'm so nervous, I don't want to look at her.

I know.

You're listening. Well, she's laughing.

Okay. And in a nervous, gitty way or in a not a chance way?

I feel like it's tiptoeing that line.

Because I said I want to hook up with her friend.

That certainly didn't help. Okay. That was a devious laugh. Yeah, you messed up.

I want to be there, too.

No.

Let me throw this out there. Okay. Please.

That was a good gitty laugh.

She's laughing. Is she smiling right now? Can you see teeth?

A little bit. She's trying to hide her smile.

That's okay.

Now face to palm or.

Palm to face. Can you tell her that... I'll tell her. We don't have to have sex on the first date. Good. I don't think so. I prefer it. Okay, what's she thinking?

Now she looks ticked.

Ticked? Yeah. Oh, no. Good thing I got tweezers. Let's get that blood sucking parasite off of you, huh?

Well, you always said you prefer to have deep conversation instead of that. So the fact that you said I'd.

Prefer that is so weird.

That's such a big lie.

No, that is true. No, I know. Come on. You would want to have a conversation with me?

Yeah, I don't think I've.

Ever had. I don't think I've ever had a conversation with you.

Want to have one right now? You're a terrible friend. We're having a conversation, Jared. Stay on the phone. I'm not having one right now. Why? This is the perfect time. It's a talking medium.

No, on the podcast? Yeah, go ahead.

What do you want to talk about?

Nothing.

Is it that your friends make jokes about your insecurities? Let's talk about it.

I don't stand for it. Well, they're not just insecurities. There's some pretty deep rooted stuff going on there.

Well, Jared, we are definitely in the doghouse now.

I think you're in the doghouse.

You're the one. You got to edit this in a way where I look good and she looks bad.

You're not giving me a whole lot to work with.

People are going to clip this. People are going to say, I'm mean. Could you imagine? Then I'm going to be insecure.

You're not mean. This is all jokes.

Among friends. No, I mean it. But it's just the fact.

I can't stand you.

And I can stand you. So let's meet in the middle and do a wall squat. Okay.

You're getting really poetic with these. It's a wall squat. Meet in the middle. I don't.

How you both just looked at me at the same time.

Maybe that's what we should do on the Patriot episode. Do wall squats? Well, we can move this thing.

We're not move in the couch. Why? No.

The couch is so easy to move. It's a ping pong boom.

No. What? There's just a lot of.

Extra work. If you're still listening to this podcast, been moving me five bucks so I know.

You are. They're already paying for the Patriot.

Hopefully. 10 bucks then. 20?

What do you think of my blonde hair? Okay. That's a women man.

I don't mean to generalize, but there could be a genocide happening in front of them and they just got their hair done. You better bring that up first. The purge could be happening. People's heads being cut off. But I just got highlights. Your hair does look nice.

Thank you.

I told her this morning I can't.

Are you going to start going back to the gym so the boys can see it?

Yeah.

Oh, I knew it.

I do have blonde in my picture.

Then he'll know who you are. Did any of the guys DM you back from the ones we stole your phone and DM them?

There was multiple.

Then just one?

Yeah, just the one. Any new matches?

On hinge? Sorry, her mom listens. Oh, yeah. What chain we talk about on here?

I guess literally anything else but her love life.

Okay. Have you had McDonald's recently?

Thank you guys so much for listening. If you stayed till the end to make sure I know it, put three periods. This podcast was sick, nasty, and then two periods.

Ellipses, three periods. This podcast was sick, nasty.

Two periods. Two periods. In the comments section. Okay. That way, because if other people copy it, they're not going to understand the period.

What if they just copy and paste and then we don't know whether or not...

Sorry. Look at the negative.

Sorry, I was just trying to make sure this thing was foolproof. What should they DM you?

If you want to hear us talk about Alyssa's hair, head over to the Patrion. We're going to be talking about it for 20 minutes at length. New York Show, tickets down below. Get them now. They're selling out super, super, super fast. I can't even... So fast.

We can't even believe how fast.

They're going. See you. Nice.