We were all hanging out upstairs in the bathtub, considerably cramped. So I suggest, Oh, let's all go down the couch and maybe put on a fire. I'll get on blankets and go hang.

Out downstairs.

Me and the others went and then you and...

Fuck you, I'm bleeping.

That out. Didn't come down. Yeah. We thought you went up there for coitus. Correct. Well, that one kid that came over that we didn't really know very well, I sent him up there because he was very drunk. I didn't get to say goodbye to them. I'm like, Go right now. Please go right now.

Yo, what's up, guys?

Welcome to Episode 159. I already know I'm with my guy on the ride. His name is Jared. He doesn't do anything right. He likes when girls wake up and question why they were with him last night. They don't know why they should. They should have put.

Up a.

Fight, but he drugged them.

Jesus Christ, dude.

Jared, you can't make us... The Lord's name in vain at the top of the podcast?

At the top of the podcast saying I drug women? What? You can't say that because it's not true. First of all, I would like to say that. Second of all, that's up.

I thought it was a pass if you said things in song.

No, is it?

I don't know. It's been going around the internet lately. Let's say... Oh, Jared had one of his worst experiences with women in bed. This week, we're going to talk about it right after the intro music.

We're a listless this week, so I got to get up and hit the intro myself.

I could get up and do it. Would you like to? Yeah, I'd love to. Okay, so do it. I'm sitting here.

You're such an a hole.

I can't really do much if I'm sitting down. I got it. Oh, you already got it. July 27th, we're going to be in New York City doing a live podcast. I'm talking games, I'm talking merch, I'm talking luxurious prizes that you could win when you come. Guess what? If you don't come, I am going to be going to hang you upside down similar to a bat, and I am going to slit your throat like a chicken, let you bleed out. My God. Then I'm going to eat you and then you're going to be inside me. Your threads are getting more aggressive. You're going to non consensually be inside me. And this is not going to be sexual, but purely food.

Cannibalistic. There you go. Cannibalistic. That's the word I was looking for.

Okay. So now that.

We're here. Do you want to also plug the Patriot?

Jared, nobody cares about the Patriot. Oh, if the Patriot is actually getting wild, we do drunk episodes every month as long. And you get 20 minutes more footage at least after every podcast.

It's called the after school special. We keep the cameras rolling.

And if we get to 10,000 patrons, I'm going to do the drunk episode. Here's a clip for the drunk episode so you know. Did you see that video? I don't know if it was Jubilee or...

Oh, the guys rating dick sizes?

Yeah. Yes. That's insane. They positioned themselves in order of who they think has the biggest penis to the smallest penis. What was the biggest?

Eight inches.

I've taken 14. I'm just trying to think of what.

Eight inches is. Eight inches.

Is fucking cute. It's cute. Where's the tape measure? I think that's only You think that's eight inches? You're going to be in a pretty.

Disempowering effect if I ever get passed in a local pool. That's eight inches? That's eight inches. Imagine taking that. You're feeling that shit in your guts.

Don't look at it like I've seen this before.

Be honest, what's the biggest you've seen? Seen? Or experienced? Describe experienced. It doesn't. Whatever. The biggest you've encountered. Wow.

Patron.

This is what you all are paying for.

We always like to include this. We love to include. Last time when we went, the last time when I included that, we got a big bump. So we have a big bump. And then if we get to 10,000 patrons, Jared is going to get a dropouts tattoo live on the Patron. All right. Now, back.

I'm.

Sick of plugging. We got to move on. I might.

Not be opposed to that.

No, you're down. It's already contractually.

I guess I'm down.

When.

Did I sign a contract?

I want to talk about you in the bedroom.

Okay. What about?

Okay. Jared has been in the bed with a lot of women over the course. I know a lot of you people are gasping. How? A lot of people are like, What?

Don't worry, I'm just as confused.

Chloroform was used? No, chloroform was used? No, Chloroform. Apparently, women want to see his reproductive organs. Okay, so you were in the bed.

This is.

So embarrassing. Why is it so embarrassing? You were in the bed with a lovely lady recently. Would you say you guys are dating?

Dating, but not official.

We haven't labeled it. Because she won't let you go on a date with her.

That's not true.

Have you guys been on a date, though?

Not an official one.

Have you guys had sex? Yeah. Did you have sex this night? Yeah. Okay. So Jared, after going I don't want to be crass here, but after going to pound town with an.

Exceptional I don't want to be crass, says the most crass remark.

Jared, with an exceptionally beautiful female, might I say? I agree with that statement. I thought men controlled women like that. They could put them off to be a little bit more...

I mean, that's how it used to be.

When did they change it?

I would say starting in the 1920s. Okay. Coming up on a century. I don't know what household you were raised in, but others.

Does.

She have those views?

I can't say. Let's keep moving on. People, sometimes they get annoyed by the bits and they want to get down to the brass hacks of a nice, lovely story. So that's what I'm going to do. Okay. You guys are exotically moving your bodies under or over some sheets. Under or over.

This time it was under.

Okay. And were the lights on? No. Nice. Everybody looks better with lights off? Yeah. Hitch black. Do you ever not know where you live? You're going?

Sometimes you feel around like a blind person, and then you get a sense of the map.

Could you draw her map for memory for everybody listening and watching? We'll do it on the patron, you're right. Whatever. You guys fall asleep because you're dead tired after... Do you want to take it from here?

We fall asleep and I am probably one of the heaviest sleepers that I know.

I thought you lost weight recently.

I did. Still heavy, though. Still heavy sleeper. Didn't change that. Got you. Genetically, I inherited snoring from my mother. She's a bad snorer. I am also a.

Bad snorer. Do you mind giving the audio listeners a little peek into your nasal cavity auditorial debut? Okay.

As you can see or hear, that's about 3 % air capacity.

Don't know where you got that number from, but I'll rock.

With it. Okay. Yeah. I mean, does it sound wrong, though?

No, keep going. Okay.

I fall asleep. Normally, I sleep with like breathe right strips on because it opens that cavity. I ran out and so I fell asleep without it. I wake up, it's quite early. I wake up, it's like 7, 7 30 in the morning and I look to my left and she's not there.

The female you had coitus with the night before? Yes. Name?

I'm not going to say the name. You love to say the name and I bleep it.

Out of everything. Well, don't bleed this one.

I'm going to bleep it. Why? Because I don't want the name out there.

Think about this. Do you like this podcast? I love this podcast. Do you like the people that listen to this podcast? Yeah, I do love it. Do you think they'd find it more interesting if they knew the name?

Of course they'd find it more interesting. But is it more intriguing to not know the name and try to play the game of who it is. It's not.

Her link will be in the description.

It won't.

Depends on who's handled in the description.

I'm going to check it constantly.

All right. Well, just so you guys know.

I wake up, she's not there, and then I'm staying awake. I'm like, Oh, maybe she just went to the bathroom or something. I would say about 15 minutes passed. I'm just scrolling on my phone. She still hasn't come back. And now I'm getting worried. I'm like, This is a really long bathroom trip. And so I get up and I walk out into her living room and there she is dead asleep on the couch.

And this was because of your snoring?

Yes. So it wasn't confirmed until later. But I got non style flashbacks of when I was a kid and I'd wake up and I'd go out into the living room early in the morning and April would be sleeping on the couch because my mom's snoring became unbearable. And I started having a panic attack immediately.

Do you think this is one of God's punishments?

For what? What is he punishing me for?

Your parents being a lesbian.

I'd like to think not. But it's a really weird punishment that I would get for.

My parents being gay. Better than smiting.

Oh, yeah, way better than smiting. There we go. Like, knock on wood. Please don't. Haven't been struck by lightning yet.

Oh, so she's over there. Do you guys have a conversation about it in the morning?

I was so afraid to talk about it. Why? Because it was just so embarrassing. The reason I woke up early that morning was because I had to make sure that the thumbnail got uploaded for the podcast. When I opened up YouTube, I realized I had uploaded the wrong version of the podcast, so I left before she ever woke up because I needed to come back here and upload it. So it was getting.

Up on time. You don't care about your job. Okay, so listen, sorry that happened to you and sorry you guys never talked about it. You guys have bad communication. We did talk about it. Okay, let's bring that.

Up then. Okay. I texted her later and then I saw her later that day. But I apologized profusely for that happening. What are you doing?

My mic is falling off.

Keep going. Okay. I apologize for that profusely. How? And I We had a very deep conversation about how that just reminded me of my parents. I never, ever wanted anyone that I was with to experience that. That's a lovely noise for the audio listeners. Keep going, man. She laughed it off. She's a great sport and she's like, It's fine. You're freaking out about it more than I am. S he said, she listens to tranquil music at night, and she wanted it to be as loud as possible. S he was afraid that she would wake me up with that. T hat's why she went and slept on the couch.

A hundred % a lie. Okay, so this is what I'm thinking. You expressed to me. I didn't bring this up. A, B, C came D. How many cameras? Holy hell. That you want to get your deviated septum fixed?

Well, yeah. You make fun of me constantly for my lack of ability to breathe.

I make light of it. Make fun sounds derogatory. I would never put you down. You know that. Unless I wanted to.

And you do, often.

That part's up in the air. Okay, let's stay on you, though. This is your interview. You're here for my podcast. Okay. Our podcast. Stop. You are going to get your deviated septal fix. Have you looked online of any possible?

Not yet. We've been pretty busy since then. But the reason it was holding me, or I was not doing it for so long, was because I thought they had to break your nose for it. And that's so painful and such a long recovery. And I didn't want to go through with that. I was like, I'm fine. I can breathe okay enough. And then that happened. I was like, Hell, I'm going to find a surgeon immediately.

And you didn't? So you're a liar?

And I didn't.

Let's move on, huh?

I learned recently when we went on Jeremy and Lauren's podcast, Well until Nine, that you don't, in fact, have to get your nose broken if you're just getting your deviated septal fixed. It's only if you do a rhinoplasty, like the cosmetic stuff that they have to break your nose. Then I was looking more into it, and it's only like a 30 to 90 minute surgery and you recover in less than a month.

Well, we'll get it done. Should we video it if we can put it on the Patreo? Yeah, that'd be great. That would be great. Ask me the question of if I have any new pickup lines.

Do you have any new pickup lines?

I just hired Nimo's dad, so you better believe we're going to find that clitoris. Dude. What?

You should have said booty.

Why?

Or butt. Why? Because that's what they call boats.

Yes, but it's like finding Nimo. And the clitoris is comedically used out throughout the years as a difficult thing to find for a man and a woman or a woman and a man. Or a woman or a woman alone or a man alone.

I feel like a woman alone finds it.

Fairly easy. You'd think that thing's sneaky.

I would think.

It's the where's Waldo of the body.

It's in there in its little striped sweater.

It made it out the hood like Eminem.

That's your only new pickup line?

Sorry, man. I'm just not a funnel. Was that not good enough?

I've heard better from you, if I'm being.

Completely honest. Fine. Here's another one. I was in bed with a girl who was so horny, she didn't call me Daddy. She called me Founding Father.

Okay, she's got that revolutionary horny.

I don't like when you say the word horny, I realized. Why? It gives me theick.

When I say the word horny? Correct. What about me saying horny gives you theick?

Okay, I don't know if given me theick because I was never physically sexually attracted to you. But the more that you say the.

Word horny, my.

Personal genitalia is.

Retracting inside your body.

It's reeling in like a fishing hook. It's just going back in.

Going back to the Nimo pickup line. Let's move on. Why are you laughing like that? Do you hate me?

No, I don't hate you. I'm just moving this. This is your first interview podcast, so I want to... What makes you the most jealous?

Like in a relationship?

No, no, it can be. Let's start there. That's not what I was speaking of, but let's start there.

What makes me most jealous in a relationship? See, that's a tough question. I'm not really a jealous guy. Are you a jealous guy? Don't.

This is your interview, bud. Have you ever been on a.

Podcast before? Yeah, we just went on a big podcast run. We did three podcasts in two days.

This is what I'm jealous of. This has nothing to do with relationships. Contentment.

You're jealous of contentment?

People that are content to... I don't know how to phrase this because I don't want it to come off as negative in any way. Someone who just lives in a small town or a normal town, goes their normal job, comes home, maybe wants a family, maybe doesn't. But it's just like yeah, I'm living life. I'm happy.

I'm content. It's just like going with the motion, going with the flow, being brought by the wind.

Yeah. Big ambitions don't necessarily alter or keep them up night, I should say, and wanting to achieve and aspiring for really big things.

So this isn't more like a jealousy thing. This is just like a red flag.

No, why is it a red flag? It's not like a red flag. No, that's what I'm jealous of. I wish I could be content like that.

Oh, I thought you were saying you didn't like that in somebody.

I would probably want a partner who... That's why I was saying it wasn't relationship based. I would probably want a partner who is very motivated and ambitious. But me, by myself, I look at people who are happy and content. I go work at the bank, I come home, I watch my show, and I go hang out with friends, and I have a really good life where they're just really content and happy with their life like that. I have a constant battle of I feel like needing to achieve or my mind is always focused on achieving in the future. So it's very hard for me to stay in the present.

Okay. Now I see what you're saying.

That's why I was saying I don't want it to look as a negative thing because I generally think it's a superpower for somebody to have. So I'm very in my head. But just, I mean, just be happy in where you are. It's very nice.

That's not a negative thing at all. I feel like most people, well, strive for contentment because I feel contentment is almost the wrong word because I feel like a lot of people find genuine happiness in that.

That's.

What I'm talking about.

Yeah. Contentment is the right word. You feel content with your life.

I always think of when I hear the word contentment or content, I always feel just like my connot of it is just baseline. Do you know what I mean?

Pretty.

Much. I have no idea what I'm jealous of in other people. You know what actually, you know what I'm jealous of? I'm jealous of people without social anxiety that can have fun without alcohol, that can talk to people just that can just talk to people willy nilly and talk to anybody and have actual engaging small talk that gets you into the deeper conversations. Because that's something that I struggle.

With a lot. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever.

Said about me. I didn't say it about you, but... Okay.

No worries.

Your eyes are.

Watering up. It's just the nicest thing anybody... The nicest thing I thought anyone has ever said.

About me. Okay, sure. It's about you.

Gosh.

But it's just like, I don't have raging anxiety where I can't leave the house or I have panic attacks often or anything like that. But if we do go to a party or an event or a meeting or something, I get very in my own head. And then I worry that if I speak, the wrong thing is going to come out or something that's not intelligent. I don't know. So that's what I'm jealous of. Are you you crying? This is two weeks in a row you've cried on this podcast.

Well, I'm moved by your words and how much you think about me.

Welcome back to the segment called Zak's Thoughts.

These are some thoughts I had this week.

I haven't added anything to your shit Zak says list in such a long time.

You all got any decaf depression? The regular stuff is a bit strong.

You should thread that.

Girl broke my heart so bad, I almost wished on a star to take away women's right to vote.

You should also.

Thread that. Held back. Better be glad I'm a good person.

What would the girl do to break your heart?

Baby girl, I'm trying to flip you over and slam you down on this table like I'm the first one done with my minute math test.

That's a good one.

That's nostalgic. I can never make her happier than a Dyson Airwap Styler, and I need to come to terms with that.

Yeah, I don't think anybody can.

My rap name would be Alcoholic Stepdad because I go hard on the beats.

That's a tough one.

I'm trying to happy flag day my way back into her life.

Is that when you text them randomly on a holiday or their birthday?

I tapped your head in duck duck goose, sweetheart. Of course, I'm interested.

Okay, for all the elementary school kids.

Out there. Anyone want to come over and watch Netflix together, then continue to develop feelings for each other. That leads us to dating for two years and slowly fall out of love, eventually hate each other, break up and remain emotionally scarred? Questionmark.

A.

Little dark. Yo, anyone know if that shouty on the Wendy's logo is 18 yet?

That's problematic. Sex thoughts. So that's what's going on inside your head? No, I.

Would never let you in there. It's dark.

The bit is called Zak's Thoughts.

Yes, that is a deterrent. So you think that's what's going on in my head when really it's...

When really it's what? What? What's going on inside.

Your head? I can't tell you.

Why not?

Because if I let it out loud, it'll hurt.

Okay, but.

Let's get deep on this podcast. Not only me, but you.

Let's get deep on.

This podcast. I want to get deep on this podcast and better wrap it up first. It's deflecting with humor. You notice that?

Yeah, I noticed that. That's the first thing that anybody notices about you.

I wouldn't say it's the first thing.

Okay, when they start to.

Talk to you. If my knees are out, it's probably my knees, great knees. Do you.

Have great knees?

It's been a running theme in this. Of course, I have great knees.

But now you have the scars from your surgery.

You're going to bring that up? Uh huh. A victim? Yeah, well, guess what? Your nose is going to be rearranged after scars from your surgery. Probably make you look better, too. I hope not. You little goblin of a man. What the fuck?

Is that what's going on.

Inside your head? Not anymore. It's out. Need to blow my nose now.

The last entry I have in your shit Zach says list is flake the discharge on it like red pepper.

I said that?

Yeah.

That's my favorite thing. Every time I read you, months after I put in something on this list, you go, I said that?

I shouldn't have said that.

Dude, this house feels so...

Like a home.

It does feel like a home. It feels so empty without handsome and Alyssa.

Great, huh? No. She's never going to listen to this. Let's see what we hate about her.

She's 100 % going to.

Listen to this. She's never listening to this.

What are you talking about?

Say what you hate about her.

Whisper it. You say what you hate about her.

I hate what she looks like. Could you imagine if she.

Heard that? Oh, my God.

She'd kill herself. Obviously, I don't hate what you look like, Alyssa. I'll try to do you at some point, I'm sure. You? What is going on?

Dude, my brain is fried right now. Well, it's.

Great that you're on a podcast then. You want me to take over? I pretty much already have. Hey. Okay. So apparently Zach Justice wants to start working out. Don't know why, but we've come to.

That conclusion. Did you just refer to yourself in the third person, first and last name?

Do you just restate things that happen?

Well, I'm just asking. That was more of a why did you do that?

Well, you should frame.

It that way. Yeah, I should have.

Said why. Okay. So I go over to Iliad's and I work out and I'm doing not a lot of weight.

How much is not a lot.

Of weight? I have no idea. He was putting things on there. I wasn't counting it, but the plates weren't big. But he was doing this thing where he puts three separate different weights on. I would bench press all of them 10 times and take one weight off a bench press it 10 times, another one, 10 times, then you go back up. It's called a pyramid or something. I don't know what it's called.

Yeah, there's different names for it.

My arms, they feel like.

Ramen noodles.

I don't know why God made me so weak.

I think you just haven't worked out in years.

So we do all these little exercises. I'm doing these p oolly things. I'm hanging upside down at one point doing sit ups.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I don't.

Know why. Why is he doing crossfit on your.

First time working out. I have no idea. So I'm doing everything. And then at the end, I couldn't even do one push up.

That's how you know it's a good workout.

Not even one. He's like, All right. And then the finished off, we'll do 20 pushups. Usually, I can do pushups.

How many do you think you could do pre working out?

At one point I could do 50, maybe 100.

A hundred pushups in one sitting? There's no way. There's no way.

Okay. Hey, ladies. No, there's at one point I used to do 100 pushups a day.

Okay, well.

That's easy if you do 10 at a time. But sometimes I would do 50 in.

One sitting.

That was a long time ago. Now, not a lot at all. But after the workout, when I woke up in the morning, I can't touch my face. I legitimately, my tread, they're still super sore. And it was a week ago, I can now touch my face for the first time. Kills. I couldn't wash my hair. I swear my life, I had to push this hand up to wash my hair and wash my face. I couldn't lift my hands above my head. What's up with that? If they want people to work out, don't make it so hard.

Well, that's part of it. So do you know what's happening while you're working out?

I swear, if you act like I'm a four year old. Yes, my muscles rip apart and then they're going to come back together. I need to have protein to do that.

But that's what's happening. And so you haven't worked out in forever. And so your muscles are just shredded in there. Do I.

Look bigger though?

Well.

Be honest.

Not after your first time.

The.

Workout race is a marathon, not a sprint.

Listen, I don't like the way that it's going. I'm going to start taking HGH. Human growth hormone.

That's going to give you a little penis.

I thought it only shrunk your balls. I thought it did, but I'm fine.

With it. I thought it made your balls big. No.

Somebody doesn't know anything about working out.

Well, sorry, I don't know anything about HGH.

This is why I've put off working out for so long. Your self esteem is going to go to an all time low.

Oh, mine, because you're going to get so shredded? I'm going to get.

So shredded. I'm going to get so shredded. I'm going to font it. You're going to walk out to the washing machine and you're going to have washed clothes and I'm already washing them on my abs. Okay. And you're going to be like, Wow. And then I'm probably going to have a lot of women outside. I assume a line, there's going to be a ticketing system, a raffle. I didn't set any of this up.

It's just going to happen naturally.

Because you're in the gym. Companies set it up based on my p haseak. They're like, We can make money here. We're going to profit. Please get away from my home. They're like, We don't care. We're going to make so much money with women coming in wanting to sleep with you.

And.

Then you're going to see all the women. And then you're going to be there. You're probably going to take your shirt off and be like, Ladies, who wants some of me? Who wants to come cream with me?

Who wants to come cream with me?

First off, I'll say not respectful of the women.

Then that will bring even more women because women love a respectful guy.

Do they?

I think so.

I got to text some people then. Oh, you got to text your mom?

Which one?

Both. Separately, though.

What did they say?

Since June is over, what you trying to do?

They.

Both said that? Separately. I mean, different wording.

Well, what are you trying to do?

Sorry, I was texting back the founder of Patrion. Oh, actually was. We're going to play pickle ball.

How's.

Jack doing? He's doing well. He's doing well. I know nothing except we're going to be playing pickle ball next week.

Okay. Can I come.

Play pickle ball? No, you're not good enough.

But that's how I get better is playing.

Not with leads. Yes, you could probably come. I'll think about it.

Okay.

What were we talking about?

You working out and just flocks of women coming to you and washing clothes on your stomach and companies sending you lots of just because you have.

A I thought we were donating money to feminism, and we're talking about how we're going to do it. We weren't talking about that.

None of those words were mentioned.

Really? Let me write this down. Okay. Yes, that's why I have a brain from working out. I really don't want you to feel bad about yourself.

Don't.

Worry. Because look, if I look like this after day one...

There's just no definition.

You see me?

I can see a little... I can't tell if it's a bruise or if that's a shadow from your tricep.

Exactly. Let's see your muscles. Flex for the camera.

You know what pisses me off, though? What?

Okay, sorry. I just didn't know you're an R. Kelly fan.

Oh, God. You know what pisses me off about you working out.

Is that...

One time. No, but if you do it consistently, you will probably, most likely have a way better body than me and a half the time, maybe even a third of the time.

No, that's not life's fair. It doesn't work out like that.

Life is not fair.

Why do you think that?

Well, you have a very slender fatigue already. You're already in the cut stage. If you just cut your calories, right, lost a bunch of weight, you're already there. And so now all you have to do is just tack on a few more calories and up your protein intake and you'll be building muscle before you know it. Stop making fun of it. That's what I'm talking about. You're making fun of my breathing.

No, I'm not. I'm mimicking you. When you're around someone enough and you start mimicking them, that means you really respect them.

Before we continue, we want to give a big thank you to our sponsor, Squarespace. Do you have a website? Do you.

Have a website? Yes or no?

Yeah, I do.

What did you use to make it?

Squarespace.

Now get up there, we got to talk about it. Sorry, it's actually get really mad when people don't have websites. Yeah, clearly. Sorry. Squarespace, do you have an online business, a blog, things where you want to sell things like e-commerce? Jared, we've got one for our merch, don't we? We sure do. What website builder would you like to sell? You want to use for that? Squarespace. Com. No need to code, no need to learn any computer science. You go in, bing bong boom. Literally, I think a blind bat can make a website on there and make it look good. It makes your business look more professional. It makes your portfolio look more professional. If you're trying to get a job or if you're trying to sell things, the storefront looks... I'm sorry for attacking you. I didn't think you had a website. And if you don't get a website, I will attack you. So go to Squarespace, get yourself a website. Jared, tell me a little bit more about Squarespace.

Just like Zak was saying, Squarespace is the all in one web platform for entrepreneurs to stand out online and succeed.

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Show, shall we? Do you mimic people's accents when you talk to them?

I would do in my head.

I do it out loud.

Oh, I know. Oh, you do? I've seen you code switch before.

Oh.

Fuck.

I know. But I do it with everybody. I do it with Skylar. I start having a little bit of a Southern accent. I do it with British people. When we were at Vidcon with Sophie's friend group or whatever, I was talking to Ellie.

You're going to bring her up on this podcast?

Okay. I was talking to Ellie. Ellie's from the UK. I started saying things with a British accent, and it's just I don't know why I do it.

Yeah, you've been racist before.

With it. What the fuck? Okay, stop saying I'm racist.

I'm not saying you're racist, but you've had racist tendencies before.

It's so subconscious, though. I don't think about it. I just don't... If I admire people, it comes back to that saying, Imitation is the whatever form of flattery, the highest form of flattery. And so I just start to mimic people.

Why? Okay, here's the question.

I do it with you. I pick up on a lot of your sayings.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I'm sick of it. True or false? Was I recently in a bathtub with you and this girl you're hooking up with?

That's true. There was also two other people in the bathtub.

It doesn't help your case.

Why?

Why'd you put us in there?

I didn't put us in there. It was actually your idea. We were sitting.

We didn't think you'd swing it that way.

Oh, you didn't think I'd.

Swing it this way? Not a chance I thought I could swing it that way. The truth.

So we had a little birthday party for me, three weeks after my birthday. We'll get into why it was sad. But it was a little pool party. Our hot tub wasn't working. It wasn't heating up. Flex. A little bit.

Do you have a hot tub? No.

Is it broken?

Ours is. Look in there and call them poor.

I'm not going to.

Do that. It feels good.

Then you do it.

Poor. Now you do it. Poor. Poor. Yeah, it feels good. It didn't feel good. That's what it's like being on the top. I hated it. I love class systems. Keep going.

Our hot tub wasn't working. We're sitting out there. It's probably nine, 10 o'clock at night. So it's a little chilly in the hot tub. And you go I don't want to bring this up, but I do have a decently sized bathtub with jets, and I think we can all fit in it.

I said that?

You said that. It took a little convincing, but we got everybody on board and let's just say it's not as decently sized as you thought.

So there are five guys in this bathtub.

Well, two.

Girls, three guys. I'm going to put this out there. Okay. If there was one less human in the bathtub, infinitely more enjoyable.

100.

Percent.

Five people is too many. And we learned that the hard way.

I do have a question. We were all hanging out upstairs in the bathtub and then considerably cramped.

Didn't.

Feel good to be in there for me personally. A lot of people were laying on me. People were laying on you? I thought I was going to drown.

And I.

Wanted to get out.

You had something stabbing your back the entire time.

I got you, buddy. So I suggest, Oh, let's all go down the couch and maybe put on a fire. I'll get on blankets and go hang.

Out downstairs.

Me and the others went and then you and...

Fuck you. I'm bleeping that out.

Didn't come down. Correct. Why?

Because e because we got into the middle of a relatively deep conversation.

From the bathtub to what? When?

When we were changing in my room and drying off.

And stuff. You guys changed together?

Yeah.

Didn't you have pool wiener?

We were technically in the same room, but I was facing the closet because I was just throwing stuff on real quick. I don't think she saw my pool wiener, but pool wiener is scary. That's a risky thing to pull out.

Why would you do that? Okay, anyway. Yeah, okay. We thought you went up there for coitus.

No, definitely not coitus.

Did you guys have sex that night?

Yeah.

What time?

It wasn't until later. It was like one or two o'clock.

In the morning. I know I heard things. Did you? There's no way. I was listening outside the door.

Oh, well, that I could honestly see.

Well, that one kid that came over that we didn't really know very well, I sent him up there because he was very drunk. He's like, I didn't get to say goodbye to them. I'm like, Go right now. Please go right now. I thought he was going to walk in on you guys having sex and it didn't happen.

No, he walked in on us having a very deep conversation, very much the opposite of sex.

Okay, so let's get over. Okay, so Jared's birthday was June 20th and we couldn't have a party because we were going out of town for Vidcon and vacation.

That day we had Ray Romano on the podcast.

Jared, don't bring him up.

Why? Go watch the episode now. If you haven't, it's a fantastic episode. It gives you an insight into a high Hollywood, I guess, what it's like to be an actor.

Anyway, continue. I spent so much money and so much time setting up your birthday party.

Yeah. You did a fantastic job, by the way.

Mariah helped me. Everybody canceled. It was such a great set up.

Such a great set up.

Everybody canceled. We had.

Beer pong. You bought a table specifically made for beer pong. You bought giant beer pong. You bought a bunch of pool floaties and stuff. We had corn the whole...

Bubble.

Machine. Bubble machine, giant Connect 4, giant Janga. And then Bucca da Pepco.

They catered. They catered. Thank you, Bucca da Pepco. Thank you. They sent enough food for maybe 200 people, and we might have capped out at 10.

It was so small. I think we.

Had, as the text were rolling in of like, Hey, I'm not going to make it. And then I started to reach out to people. I'm like, Hey, we're going to be see you here, right?

Every ding of your phone was just another person cancelling, and I hate it. You have that dumb mission impossible, not mission.

Impossible, impossible. Call me, beat me if you want to meet me.

It's like the... How does it go? Yeah. Every time I heard that sound, I go, There's another one.

Yeah, a lot of people cancel. I'm going to blame it on you not.

The timing of the party because we had a 3.

O'clock on Friday. Okay, so we're doing the New York show. My mom has texted me and called me about 6,000 times on what day the.

Show is.

There's no way. It's the 27th. And then she's like, And then what days will you have the hotel rooms? I'm like 25th through the 30th. We're talking about 18 times. You know what? I'm going to call her right now. Okay, here we go. I'm going to lay into her a little bit. She's never heard me talk to her like this in my life. I'm going to get her the business. Hey, Annie. Hey, Mom. I was.

Looking at booking my flight, so I was trying to figure out what days you have the hotel room, what airport should I go to, all that stuff.

Okay, so it is still on the dates we talked about.

I know, but I forgot because I have so many dates in my head. I got when I start school, I got when I have to watch the dogs.

You've got at least 365 dates.

Yeah, there's the 25th through the 30th. It's when we'll be there and the show is one.

On the 27th. Look at you. I have that other date in my head, too.

That's great. That's the date that should be in your head.

Set up. Just give me the information, kid.

That is the information. And then you can fly into really anywhere in New York that you want to.

I think we're flying into.

Newark, which is... We're flying into.

Newark, but you can do... Erw, I think.

Yeah, ERW, or you can do LaGuardia.

Is Jared there the one laughing at me?

100 %. Hi, Ms. Gina.

Hey, Jared, you are on my list because you're acting just like Zach now. And there are a lot of dates on my mind here, Mr. Man.

Speaking of dates with a Mr. Man, once you do that, it's going to have a dad in my life, huh? Shut up.

All right. Jared, how was your party?

We were just talking about that. It was good.

A lot of people canceled because they didn't want to celebrate Jared.

No, that's not true. It looks like... But you know what, though? That's always what happens with parties. A lot of people don't.

End up coming. Especially with Jared's.

And it sounds like it was really fun, though. And Jared, whoever was there, was that fun?

Yeah. No, it was a blast with everybody there. It was a good group.

Of people. He slept with the girl that came over that night at his party. Why do.

You have to go?

I'm.

Not surprised. Well, it's the one he's been dating, right?

It's a loose term.

The one he's been dating? The one he's been dating? He's been.

Sleeping with?

Correct. Okay, it's a little deeper.

Than that. That is not a loose term. That is accurate.

It's a vague term. The thing is, I.

Think about parties, it's not the quantity because that's stupid. It's the quality.

It is the quality. And we have a lot of quality.

People that are there that mean something.

And I saw Snoopy Kane. Yeah. That seems fun. And then who was your three top people that you'd like that were there? Besides, of course, Alyssa and Zak and.

Alyssa was not there. It was me. He liked being there. And the cornhole boards. Who didn't come? Do you have the rest.

Of the day?

Do you have the rest of the day?

All righty, well, I love you. What else up to you later?

There's a movie out called Sound of Freedom. You should try to go see it.

It's about... I am going.

To it tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to it tonight.

Oh, you are? Okay, call me, let me know.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

I was going to call you to tell.

You to go to it. Well, you didn't because you don't care about me.

Yeah, whatever. All right, talk to you later. Derek?

Huh?

Are you going to have the talk with me and see where you guys are standing?

When I stop being nervous about it.

Are you guys enjoying just being the two boys?

I said it's quiet around the house and Zak said, isn't it great?

Oh, my gosh. Okay. All right, and you have a good rest of the day. Bye, Derek.

Bye.

There are so many bugs in this house now. Speaking of that girl.

Which girl?

You know the girl. That's the one. We were on FaceTime last night and this is an actual conversation between me and her. So she brought up.

She was like, You don't have any more us or us left, just so you know.

Sorry. She brought up that she wants to tone up and lose a little bit of weight. And I said, Oh, that's what I'm trying to do right now. Do you want to do that together? And she goes, Well, I'm going to do it with or without you, so I guess you can do it if you want to.

Oh, I saw you tweet that. I thought you were talking about sex.

No, that was about that. I thought it was funnier to have a more general activity that we're both mutually interested in. But she says that, and then we pause and she goes, Why the fuck did I say it like that? No, of course we can do it together.

She hates you. Well, I t's okay, though.

I don't think she hates me.

Is your love language quality time? Yeah. Interesting.

And.

Physical touch. At least you're getting that one.

I think I'm also getting quality time with her. Good. I do spend a lot of time with her. We just haven't gone on an official date.

Is there anything in New York City you're excited to see?

World of T shirts. What? It's a guy. I think his name is Josh or something. He really needs help.

Have you seen him on TikTok? Is it the autistic kid?

I guess. I don't know.

Is that bad to say? I thought he was autistic.

He might be, but he definitely has something mental going on, whether it's a breakdown or on the spectrum or something. But I want to see him for the spectacle, but also maybe to just talk to him, just be like, Hey, where's your family? Because I think he's also from Ohio, if I'm not mistaken.

Could be your family, then.

Maybe, could be. My family is huge. I have cousins and second cousins and out there that I.

Don't know.

I thought you're just announcing. No, I just don't know. When I was back in Santee, I would just run into them at restaurants or shops or whatever. They're like, I'm so and so's daughter's daughter or whatever.

You actually dated your first cousin. I did. No, it's not like this bit. Let me finish. It's not a bit. You actually dated your first cousin and then you guys had a child, but there were some complications, obviously, because of the DNA swap. Is it true you put it down like Old Yeller?

Like Old Yeller? I took it out in the backyard and.

Shot it. That's what you did. Okay. Yeah, I was wondering.

No, that didn't happen.

But twice.

Thank you. You're the one from Southern Georgia. You can't be making incest jokes.

I was one of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Okay, but you were raised in the pivotal years in Southern Georgia.

Yeah, so my family wasn't there. So I didn't have a chance to do what you did, my cousin or sister or brother.

Damn, that's crazy how fast that got turned around on me.

It's probably what she said when you bent her over the kitchen sink.

I didn't bend her over the kitchen sink.

I never bent anyone. Why? You don't think she's beautiful? You think your cousins are ugly?

No, I don't think my cousins are ugly, but I'm also not sexually attracted to my.

Cousins anymore.

I didn't think I'd have to say that sentence.

You wrote it down in your diary. That's where I got it from.

I don't have a diary.

Oh, journal, sorry. Taylor's version, how much do you make now? Do you know how much money she's making on each show?

No, I think I saw something, but I can't remember the number. How much?

I mean, before Fees and everything, each show and paying people out, each show is pulling in 10 million or something.

Damn.

Apparently, this tour is going to put her over the billionaire status.

Because she's got.

Over.

100 something dates. I feel like it's close to 200 dates on this tour. Taylor Swift is going to be a billionaire because of this tour?

Exactly.

What are we doing wrong?

I don't know if we're doing anything wrong. There's levels.

There's.

Levels to this. Neither of us can sing. Neither of us started at a young age putting out smash hits.

I feel like that's where we.

Messed up. And we're funded by parents who were wealthy and then dated men in the spotlight who also gave us hit songs that we could also market to later. There's things that she was able to do that we couldn't. Feel like... What are you doing wrong? You're the one that likes music. This is no comparison to me.

Well, after listening to everything you just said, I'm doing all of those things wrong.

Exactly. You don't even put out music. You don't even care about music.

That's not true. I put out music.

You haven't listened to the sound of music in probably years or watched it.

Well, yeah, in years is right. But I.

Have seen it. Taylor Swift watches the sound of music every night before she.

Goes to bed. There's no way. Okay. I don't.

Know why I have this written down, but why do you guys like longer hair on girls?

I feel like that just comes down to a preference thing.

For each. Because I've seen several TikToks of this woman who she's like, This is how you know if a guy likes you. If you say you're going to cut your hair short and he tells you not to, that he likes it how it is, that means he has a crush on you.

Really? That's the benchmark now for figuring out if somebody.

Likes you? It was one TikTok. I don't know if.

This is universal. Do you like longer hair on women? Correct. I guess I do too.

But I also... I'm not throwing up when I see a woman with shorter hair, and some of them are suited better for shorter hair, and then I'll be more attracted to that. But usually the women that I've been with, when their hair has been longer, I have been more inclined to have googly gaga eyes for them.

Googly gaga eyes.

They're my lady gaga eyes.

Do you like it better when it's straight or curly?

I prefer straight women.

Okay. That's not what I was talking about, but I was talking about the hair.

The hair style? Yeah. I have no real preference for that. I like them both.

You like them both. Correct. I think I prefer curly hair.

Really?

Yeah.

The woman you're with now does not have curly hair.

It doesn't need to be naturally curly, but if, say, you're going out for a nice date, nice dinner or something, or you're going to an event and they do their hair by curling it a little, I love that look.

Okay. Not natural curls.

You like? But natural curls, I also like. Okay.

I spice curls?

Yeah. Honestly, that's a version of curly hair that I like. But even if it's just wavy curls, if the curls are just doing this as they're blowing in the wind. Except I think my favorite hairstyle on a girl is when it's up in a bun and she has the curtain bang coming down. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. That's, I think, my favorite look.

Let's dive into that. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. I think it is the perfect mixture of trying to look good, but also still being casual. I don't know. I just feel like it's a style that matches the personality that I look for in a partner.

Let me get this straight. You want women to base their looks off your preferences?

No.

And if they don't, you're not going to be attracted to them.

No, not true.

And you believe they should stay in their 50's housewife roles.

How in the hell.

Did you get you prefer to say heck? Because this is a podcast that at least one kid is going to listen to.

How in the heck did you twist my words that much?

I didn't. You did. I regurgitated your words.

Nope, I didn't say any of those. That's just a look that I prefer, but they can do whatever look they want.

But you won't touch them if they do.

That's not true.

If there was a reality show of all your exes in one.

House, my nightmare, that's what that's called.

But nobody told them that you were each other's exes. How long do you think it would take them to figure it out?

Instantly. Really? I have a couple of exes that know each other. They weren't friends or anything.

So immediately they'd go, Wait, why are we all here? And then you think within five minutes they'd all know. It's like, Oh, we all dated Jared Bailey.

Yeah, there's two that I know of that would know each other instantaneously.

But would they come to the conclusion that that's why they're there?

Within the first five minutes?

100 %. That sounds like a hilarious Mr. Beast video. Should we produce it?

Oh, that would be a lot of fun.

Would your exes be down?

Can we do it with anybody.

Else but me? No.

Why? No, I don't think they'd be down. I don't think any of them would be down.

I've got most of their social handles. I am blocked by one, but maybe two. It'll be okay.

I think there are a couple that would absolutely hate that idea. That would just be a nightmare on all levels.

It would be hilarious if you walked in and you'd be like, Welcome to the bachelor. Who's going to try to get him back? Everybody's like, Boo.

Get him out of a year. Okay, so wait, in this show, I'm not going to be on it.

Now that I think about it, I'd like you to be there.

That would make for much more. Because if I wasn't there, what would be the.

Goal of the show? I just want to see them hang out and start talking.

About you. So it's just a one episode series.

I still think it would be an amazing podcast to have two of our exes come on and talk about us.

Yeah, that would be a good one.

It's really good. We do it? No. But we can't be here.

Just editing that and hearing everything.

Forget you're an editor.

That's.

Going to suck.

That podcast would be 30 seconds because I'd cut everything out.

Maybe I'll do that for next year for your birthday. You'll be here on the podcast. I'm like, Hey. Please, God, no.

That is the.

Worst birthday present. No, I'm like, You're going to have to run it by yourself. I'm going to be out of town. Then every 10 minutes, a new ex walks in. You have to talk to her.

You can't get me a PS5 one year and then the next year throw me on a podcast with my exes.

Is that a challenge?

That's not a challenge. That is the farthest thing from a challenge. That's a house rule, actually.

Who do I talk to to get this done?

Well, you said that you have most of their social handles, so I feel like...

Yeah, we're good.

You know exactly.

I'm going to get around the one that blocked me, though. I think a personal letter. Can you interview me a little bit? I feel like it's always one sided here.

Real quick, while I'm pulling up these questions. So as we're getting closer to the release date of state of Oppenheimer.

Christopher.

Nolens is one of my favorite directors. And so I've been seeing just more facts about the movie popping up. Did you know in a movie about creating the atomic bomb, there's zero CGI shots in the film?

I didn't know that.

Isn't that insane, though? A movie about an atomic bomb that they have to recreate the explosion.

Okay, there's no... Poiler alerts, buddy.

There's no CGI in it.

I assume it comes out July 21st.

It does come out.

July 21st. You know me, same.

Day as Bobby.

Same day as Bobby. What a competition that's going to be. I know. Who do you think is going to get more? I say, Bobby.

I think Bobby because it's such a huge brand.

I watched the Big Short last night.

Which.

One is that? It's the movie about shorting the housing market. And I think we should buy stock in Mattel.

I saw a TikTok about this.

Okay, everybody's doing it then. Never mind.

Oh, well, it wasn't... I don't think it was that popular of a TikTok. I think it only had a couple of hundred likes on it. But I think right now the stock price of Mattel is at $20. And since the announcement of the Bobby movie, I think it's doubled. I think it was down 10 or maybe not doubled. I think it might have been around 13.

Let's take all the cash that we have from this podcast, put it in there.

Should we just take the paycheck on money and put it in there? Why not? We could double our money.

We could lose it all. That's life. We're going to not be here anyway, probably next year.

Like a live or doing a podcast?

Both. Why? No particular order.

Okay. Why do you say that?

I really want sushi right now.

You always get so hungry on these podcast.

But I'm going to go see Sound of Freedom tonight, the movie, and it's going to be right next to Play the Game of Sushi. So I might stop there and have a little... I'm going to the movie by myself. Jared won't go with me.

That's not true. I'm going to be stuck here editing. What is that movie about?

It's pretty dark. It's about, I think, child trafficking. But I'm very excited to see it because apparently it's pretty good.

Who's in it?

I'm not even too sure. I saw a lot of TikTok videos about it.

You were talking about that with your own, like the movie that you were writing about using TikTok as organic growth and marketing for movies because I saw you were on a huge silo kick on Apple TV.

Do you like the show?

Yeah, I just watched the first episode last night. Fantastic beginning. I am so intrigued and I cannot wait to watch the second episode. But before you even came to me, I saw a clip from the first episode when when Roshita Jones goes crazy. And that got me really interested. And then when you said you liked it, that's what really sold me. Okay. Given the choice of anyone in the world.

Whom would.

You want as a dinner guest?

This is like the first thing at every summer camp.

It's just a set.

Of questions. You mind if I sink in a little bit? Yeah, go for it. Anybody in the world?

Anybody in the world. I'll throw in dead.

Or alive. No, please don't. Okay. I'd prefer not to talk to anybody dead.

Okay.

Alive then.

Stop making out with the mic.

Are.

You asleep?

The original Jake from State Farm.

The original one?

Yeah. I just want to see how mad he is.

That they.

Recast him. He's not making generational wealth. Yeah, that's my pick.

Okay, interesting pick. What do you feel most grateful for in life?

My mom. Okay. Hello?

I got the Kennedy Airport.

Okay, perfect.

Your mom is featured heavily in this podcast.

How much did you guys pay for your ticket?

Three grand for all of them or something?

Well, Zak bought first class.

Oh, you guys are going first.

Class too? Well, Zak is.

Oh, God. Zachary, how is that you're such a boogie son?

I'm not boogieing.

I'm the least boogie person and I have the biggest boogie son.

How am I boogieing? I just wanted this my first time ever buying First Class.

I've never been on first class before.

I bought First Class once from Vegas to LA. It was the only First Class I could afford.

All right, well, I will talk to you later, Mr. Bougie. Okay. All right, love you, honey. Bye, Jared.

Bye. Bye.

Is your mom actually what you're most grateful for in life?

Yeah, she likes to hear that.

Going off of that, if you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Maybe I wish I was allowed to express my darker humor a little bit more.

Okay. Because your mom is very clean and what's the word? Positive, I guess.

It's good for her.

That's just not how you like to express yourself.

Which maybe I wouldn't have become who I am without that sheltered thoughts. Who knows? Keep going.

Who knows? Butterfly effect. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

I would want to know the steps to first of all, probably my biggest flaw that maybe is keeping me from the things I want to accomplish, and then a roadmap of how to turn that around.

Interesting. So you want to know your flaws that are holding you back and how to fix them? Correct. So this is perfect. This is just flowing from one question to the next. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time and why haven't you done it?

No, not really.

Oh, Okay. There's nothing you've dreamed of doing that you haven't done?

Just.

Not even like skydiving?

I have no idea of heights. I'm not afraid of heights, but I have no interest in that.

Okay. What do you value most in a friendship?

Same mind on things. Loyalty and Spontaneity.

I would add dependency to.

That list. Don't worry about it.

Okay. You don't want to be able to depend on your friends for anything? I don't want to depend on anybody. You don't want to be able to depend on your friends for anything? If you ever need help?

I don't need help. Okay.

What's your most important treasured memory?

Probably back in the day on the buses to field trips or sports.

Sporting events. Back when life was simple and just Correct. Happy. How do you feel about your relationship with.

Your mother? It's interesting. We're not on the same page. We are not on the same page about most things, but I think it's fine. It keeps the dynamic spicy.

It.

Keeps.

It very spicy.

Where's a couple of spicy twins?

A little Cayenne pepper in that relationship.

We did not have the same thought process on almost anything, which keeps it spicy.

You guys misunderstand each other.

Oh, I understand. I understand completely. Yeah, we got to get off that topic. You should get mad at me.

What's the most important thing for your romantic partner to know about you?

Know how my thought process works as far as not being able to turn my brain off, what makes me feel joyful and loved and nostalgic and cared about and wanted and quality timed, and to know that my tent is never of malice.

And if especially when it comes to your comedy.

Correct. And yeah, I mean, that covers a lot of it.

When did you last cry in front of another person?

Today on this podcast.

Oh, that's true. When did you last cry to yourself?

I have no idea.

Last.

Question. Thank goodness.

Last question. Your house containing everything you have.

Catches fire. Where did you get these questions on? Firstquestionsever. Com?

36 questions that lead to love.

Are you trying to have sex with me?

I'm trying to make you.

Fall in love with me. What would I take? How many things do I get?

You get one thing.

Oh, my computer.

You made fun of me when Jeremy and Lauren were on because I don't know how.

To handle them. Handsome is not in the house right now. All right. I would not take you.

That's fair.

I wouldn't let you to die and burn. I wouldn't expect you to. Good.

So at least we're on the same page.

About that. I couldn't lift you.

Well, that's why you need to start working out.

Or you need to start working out.

That's fucked.

All right, guys, thank you so much.

That's.

Crazy. If you stay to the end, make sure to send me a ticket confirmation of you coming to our show. Or what will I do, Jared?

Well, you already strung them up by their feet and slit their throats like a chicken. So I guess.

This time I'll go like this, I'm mad. That's it.

That's.

It? Yeah, it's cutting. I'm disappointed. Do you ever have been heard? I'm disappointed in you? Oh, you're really terrible. Thank you guys so much for listening and watching. Make sure to like, subscribe. If you stayed till the end, also leave a comment that says, This podcast changed my life. I'm not sure if it's for the better, but it feels good with two periods after good. Sign up for the merch.

Sign up.

For the merch. Merch and description. Everything in description. Bye.

After.

School people. No, bye.

We will.

See you soon. See you soon.

No.

Oh, yeah. Patron, you get more footage. Bye.