If it's outrageous, it's contagious, you can monetize your sexuality.

And in your case-My tasteful dick pics on OnlyFans. Some not so tasteful. There's a paywall. It's worth it.

Commence, Shit Show.

That's a big- That's a good beginning.

Yeah.

What's up? Shades aren't What do you mean? I didn't know there was a shell station by your house.

Shell station? I got them at Exxon. Sometimes you miss it, Spudly.

There is a Shell station across from this place I eat in Malibu. I went in there and they're selling shirts. There's five flannel shirts. I'm like, Who's buying that? I don't know. This one's not bad. I bought one.

I like those super stations, travel, and there's all the trucks, and there's a store, and you get knicks-knacks. I love it.

When you're driving, you pull over and you just wander around in there aimlessly.

Almost bought Heather a Pukashel necklace. I thought it was her birthday. It was a little late. It was a buck 99, truth be told.

You should have done it. It was her birthday this week.

I know. You blew it. What's it like to be 26?

Yeah. She gave it a little slower one.

It's on a need-to-know basis.

Dana, this weekend, this week, of course, I did gigs, but of course- Can we hear about them? Well, I'm looking forward to... I got two in Florida next week, which is Clearwater.

Great town.

And Scorlando.

Beautiful town. I like when people talk about major cities as towns. Chicago is a great town.

That's a great little town.

Rome is a terrific little suburb. Rome? I just went for Rome. You're out on the road. You're going to Clearwater.

I am going. But last week I did Houston. That was a private. Then I came home. I did my three days on that movie.

Movies for Apple+. That's a secret movie.

It's not really a secret because it was already in deadline that I'm doing it. But I'm not the star of it. That's Cameron Diaz Keanu Reeves, but I love them. I think they're both cooler than shit.

Absolutely. Cameron Diaz, Back in the Hunt.

I thought- Back in the Hunt. Good for her. She's awesome. She's one of my favorites, and Jona Hill wrote it with his buddy, and he directed it, and he's in it. Oh, okay. I think what I could… I mean, I just probably should not say a lot because they don't, but I'm not a big part, but I'm one of Keanu's neighbors who's an idiot. But Keanu, by the way, could not be cooler as advertised. It's almost nerve-wracking to be around that.

He's the most unassuming superstar. I did this event with him, Tom Hanks, at a small theater where we all read Shakespeare and goofed around. Julia Roberts was there. There's a lunch break and we're all around a table. I did my old trick. Has anyone ever experienced anything supernatural besides me? That's the joke part. But everyone has a ghost story, right? Everyone goes around. I saw this light, I saw this thing. Keanu is like 50 feet away at a table by himself facing away.

They're like, Keanu, come over here. It's too cool. He walks cool.

Too cool for Cool.

He's got a stiff walk from being in 15 Matrix movies. I remember I got a little speed up on Dickey Roberts. I did some of my own stuff, and he's like, Yeah, great.

Well, I put down my weapons. There was a whole rivalry between Bill and Ted and Wayne and Garth, and it trended for a while. A part of me wanted to-Was there? Yeah, and I just wanted to go at those guys, man, dressed as Garth. Who do you think you are? You Bill or you Ted? But yeah, there was a slight comparison, but I think everybody's fine.

I think buddy movies, comedies, and he's done cool stuff. Also, we're around the same time, those movies. But he was very generous and sweet. When we do scenes with him, it's so funny. I couldn't get my lines in this one thing. They were stuck.

Of course, it made me sick because I see him going, Who's this fucking clown? Is this Jona Hill, the director, looking at the monitor?

No, Jona couldn't be more of a great, high-energy, positive. He wrote it, and it's a very cool movie. It's set in LA. It's about LA. I had a good time. I was a little nervous being on someone else's set instead of my own stuff I usually do.

You're doing your own thing a little bit or doing something with friends. Yeah.

Or something I maybe co-wrote or something I have a big say. But just to walk onto a set, those are a little more tricky.

By the way, did I interrupt you? Because I only get five per podcast.

No, That's it.

That's the whole story. Did you hear about that? This is very quick, but going one more time to Keanu Reeves, who's such an enigma in a great way. But he's taking a commuter flight at night, one of those smaller airlines to LA from, I I think Santa Rosa or Northern California. Engine trouble. They got emergency land in Bakersfield. So he doesn't have a car. Meet him. He just hangs out with everybody else. A bus arrives to pick up all the passengers. This is the middle of the night, and he It gets drinks and brings people water and stuff, sits with all of them on the bus all the way into LA from Bakersfield and made sure everyone was home safe.

It was like- Yeah, well, that sounds about right. He didn't seem overly cool at all, overly for being... He's such a monster star, and he always gets good press. I'm like, Everything I read about you is like, Keanu Reeves gave everyone he ever met a motorcycle this week. I'm like, God damn.

What do you do when the lights aren't on? Or you do cool things when nobody's looking, right? Put an extra quarter into the parking meter just for taxes.

That goes somewhere. Someone's benefiting. I go, You know what? That one's on me.

All right, now let's go on to our Cameron Dias appraise fest. Now, this person.

No, we'll just say that I've always liked her, and everyone does. She's great. I was really lucky to just be a part of that one. I'm happy about that. Now we can continue. I just wanted to say a plug for an Apple TV movie that I don't know when it'll be out.

It'll be out probably in a minute. It doesn't matter. It's going to sit on the shelf. Movies that go on live streaming are in a a bookstore, so it'll just be on Apple for decades.

You'll hear about it soon.

It doesn't matter what comes out.

Now, what do we got other than that? What are our topics today?

I can start with anything. I'm always asked, this is a quick one, Arnold Asset. Let me see. Remember we were at Arnold's place and he was interviewing We were interviewing him. At the end, he goes, Let me ask you, fellows, a question. How do you stay so thin? Because thin is in, and the little dogs are living longer than the big dogs. You know what I'm And you get, Well, we try to do this, we try to do that. But I never explain my five-minute thing that I tell people if they're curious about how to never worry about their weight again without all simple. You're in a five-minute thing in- It'll probably be three minutes.

Okay, go ahead.

First of all, weigh Every day, step on a digital scale. Just stop weighing with no judgment. It doesn't matter what the number is. Just stand on it. Okay. That's going to hypnotize your brain a little bit. What you want to do, don't ever try to get to a bottom number, and then you just bounce off of it. Try to slowly merge into a range you want to live. You would be like 110 to 120. But you find a paradigm, and that's where you live in your paradigm. So you slowly Totally trend into that. So say it's between 140 and 150, which is where I'm at. So then you- You are really?

Because I'm close. I'm like the high end. I'm like 149.

Yeah, that's me right now. I don't really worry about it. But I just tell people, just weigh every day, and it'll hypnotize the part of your brain where you'll go, Oh, I'm 160. If I have a light lunch, I'll be 159. That's the key to it. But most people stop weighing because they're gaining. When you're gaining is when you want to weigh, and then you give yourself a brownie point for like, No one would have three bananas splitch yesterday and four hot dogs, and get on the scale. The main thing is to keep weighing and hepatize your brain, get in an area you want to live and just keep weighing. I call a thousand mini-diet. You never want to wake up and go, Fuck, I got to lose 20 pounds. You want to wake up and go, I could lose a half pound.

That's it. I did that. Sorry. That's good. It took me so long. That's a good lesson. No, that's a good lesson. I did that on the first grown-ups. I'd always weighed 145. No, 140. When I said you're fucking pipsqueak, and then I get on Grownups, and you have to go to the doctor first. I had the old scale.

Oh, that thing, yeah, where it clanks.

You put the clanker on there, and then you got the one pounder. He puts it on. He goes, I'll put this one on 100. Then he goes, and I go, Put that on 140. I'll give you because I go, he goes, What do you weigh? I go, 140. He goes, 140? Yeah.

He goes, Why is he upset?

Because he's not believing me. I go, Why is he so curious? I go, Just write it down. He goes, Why don't you jump on the scale while you're here, and I go, What if I said, Adam's not going to like this. I told him, Adam Sandler doesn't like when you try to bully me. I go, Okay, so I put the big square on 100. You know how they do that?

Yeah, but then it gets you to 120.

Then I put the little one on I put that on 145. I go, I'm a fat ox. Then I get on and it goes,. I'm like, God damn.

Yeah, you have to move it.

I got to put on 150, and then I go back to zero.

Then you go back, yeah.

I'm 150, and then he starts going, forever until it gets a cramp. I'm like this, 165.

When was this?

This is during grownups, so that was 10 years ago. What happened?

Oh, that's like every day is a party. Okay, we've got a picture of Okay.

No, all we're talking about, this is a good way to lose weight. Delta Birk says she tried Crystal Mesh.

That'll do it.

This must have been before Ozempic.

Well, let me just say about that. I mean, that's obviously funny. I'm happy for. But crash diets don't work. All they do is slow your metabolism down. It's not what you weigh, it's what you're made of. How much lean muscle do you have compared to fat? So people go, Man, my weight's really down. You go, Yeah, but look at your legs. You're standing on sticks.

You lost some muscle. You're saying your body's fat up here and your little stick legs don't work?

Well, that's called a golf tee. That's guys in the gym who just work their arms and chest, but not their calves. Yeah, prison. Then they're like, Yeah, little tiny legs, little tiny ankles and tiny feet and huge shoulder, and the packs are growing out and you look like a golf tee. Four.

Play through.

Play through. How do you guys stay so tiny? Because you could live a long time if you're tiny.

I know he goes, It's so great, you're microscopic. I'm like, We're not. It's so rude.

Let me tell you, how is it with the ladies when you get into the bed and she's twice as big as you are? We're like, Arnold, we're here to interview you.

Yeah, and then he picks me up like Stuart Little. You're a little mouse.

Remember I said, Count my push-ups? And then he says, That's very good. Now you do them and I ride your back. Arnold gets on my back and I'm trying to do push-ups. The guy's like, 225. I'm a giant. Yeah, I'm riding you. Now give me 10.

You are a turtle.

People didn't hear that episode of going, Is he serious? That everything was serious until Arnold riding me.

That's on the fly on the wall.

Yeah, which is available everywhere you get your podcast.

Available on podcast. So is this one. When, I don't know if you're fiddling with your phone, I had a credit card get stopped the other day, which happens sometimes, and they say it doesn't work anymore. They're saying, These subscriptions I have, God forbid, go away. They're like, Oh, you didn't pay these 89. I'm like, That's how I know I have too many. They say, Oh. Then I get my credit card fixed, and they're like, Oh, you're back as a member at the trampoline center. I'm like, Well, some of these I don't really want anymore. I need rocket money because these guys go in there and they sift through it because I don't want to do it. They find out what you have and what you do and don't need, and then they do it for you.

Yeah, but it is true. Babingabong has just charged you $25 for the last 84 months.

Yeah, every month.

And in that moment, do you want to go down that rabbit hole and it's just fighting for it, and it's running from you, and you're trying to cancel it, but you go, it's 25 bucks or it's 12 bucks. But Rocket Bunny goes in, does a deep dive, does all this stuff for you, clears it out, lists all the things that it got rid of, and it just streamlines your life and saves you money. I'm not even reading copy. I know it by heart.

You You just know this. It's a personal finance app for those of you who don't know that fines and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. So obviously, you can grow your savings. I have full control over my subscriptions, and it's a clear view of me. I'm running the show, but they just do all the work for you. Absolutely. That's just how I do. They try to negotiate a lower bill for you. They go in there, and they average, they try to get about 20% of a haircut in there. All you do is submit a picture of your bill. Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with the customer service, which I know you like to deal with. I don't like to call customer service.

I love to wait on the phone and listen to music. I'm a fan of it, and I vacuum, and I wait. But believe me, you know what compounding means? If you have 10 things charging you $10 a month over 10 years, hello.

That's over $10.

That's over... It doesn't mean it's a lot of money. Rocket Money saves you money. It has over five... Get this, David. Rocket Money has over 5 million users. It has saved... Wow. A total of 500 million in canceled subscription. That is subscriptions. Yeah.

Members are getting But if I do it in my head, around $740 a year.

In savings?

Yeah. Wow.

I'm going to call. I don't do this with all of our sponsors. I'm going to say it, no brainer.

Yeah. I'm going to do something which I don't do. I'm going to tell you to stop wasting your money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/superfly. That's what?

Rocketmoney. Com/superfly. And this is something I don't normally do when we read ads, but what he said.

Rocketmoney. Com/superfly. Nice. This woman really stepped in shit. It's the greatest term. It finally fits someone perfectly. Why she says, Sydney Sweeney isn't pretty and Can't Act. You couldn't have a worse quote out there for someone who's really at the top of her game right now and doing well. It says jealous.

Incredibly, I'll read it for the drivers. This is a picture of a normal, attractive 50-year-old woman or average-looking, not bad. She's cute. Then a picture of young, lovely Sydney Sweeney The headline is incredibly jealous and probably flat-chester. This is not us. Producer, Carol Baum, slams Sydney Sweeney, She isn't pretty and can't act.

The part that's real is that She did say that. Now, we don't have to tear her down on the way. I don't know whose article is. This is funny, though. It's probably some parody one. But Sydney Sweeney, this woman did say that, and I'm sure she regrets it because you're just asking for I'm in trouble. Yeah, look. You're a woman.

Here's what I would say. The acting is overrated. I'm not even saying whether she's good or bad. What are you feeling when you see her? Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe, were they as good as Brando? But they were electric on the screen. I'd say John Wayne as well. I don't know what it is, but what I've seen of Sydney, she has it. That means you're attracted to her aura, her spirit, and her physicality. But I understand these human emotions. You have to, spiritually with yourself, go, Oh, you're jealous. Make them your little buddy. Oh, hi, jealous. Oh, you don't have to put down that person. You're just jealous right now. It's okay. You had your youth. I never wanted to be a grumpy old man and angry. Hey, I don't like young people.

I want to go back.

I want more life for me. You've met a grumpy old man when we were really young and they're just pissed at you just because you're young. Never going to be that guy.

Here's one because I went to UFC. Pull this one up. This is a sport that's real and I thought you'd laugh at it, even though I have nothing to say about it. There's a pillow fighting league, and dudes, not females, males get up in there and beat the shit out of each other with pillows. Here, do they have a clip? I mean, are they really... They throw that one in there. Are people watching that? I saw the crowd's little sparse. But it's definitely... There was people sponsoring it on every pillow, and there's Dr. Pepper over here, and I'm like, This is real. The day UFC was on, I had the channel on. I'm just watching before UFC came on, and I'm like, Oh, my God, there's a pillow fight, and it's real. And unless they're full of Coke cans, like an M&B Bad Boys, that's interesting. But just feather pillows, like hitting each other?

I don't see the strategy. The one that's adjacent to this that's related to your friend Dana White is the slapping thing. I don't know if people have seen this, but two dudes sit across from each other, their hands are down, and they take turns slapping the shit out of each other. But they're really big, strong guys. It is extremely compelling to look at someone take it because you've Shook in Mike Tyson's hand. If he slapped you, it's lethal.

I'm shook and dead. I saw him at the fight.

By the way, look at this.

Here's what they do. Even the worst thing, because in a UFC fight, you don't really know it's coming. You know you're getting in a fight which is already terrifying. But on slap fight, they go like this. You stand there, Dana, and the guy goes like this, right? He makes you face and he goes, One, two. Then you go, God damn, this is the one I think I get it on. Then he goes,.

Yeah, he's doing it. There we are. Yeah.

But usually, every clip I see, the guy just blacks out.

The guy actually, he gets knocked out. He blacks out. He's so inconscius.

Yeah, most of them fall and just are like, Coo-coo, bird.

But I don't know.

It's appealing. Dana said it's doing great, and the clips do well on YouTube.

There's one, I think it's in East Asia, and I don't know if it's real, but it's called Sledgehammer. So you stand there and a guy has a sledgehammer, and he just hits you in the head with it. I'm trying to think what is worse.

There's a porn where the girl kicks you in the balls. Let's look at a clip. No, I don't think we have it.

There's called Grape Chope, where a guy just shoves grapes in your mouth until you start choking. That one's big in, I don't know, Australia, I think.

Wait, what's this one? Let's see what this is. Let's see what this is. Oh, this is the one I told you. They pull each other by the ears with rubber bands. Heather, look at how horrible this is. Now, keep going. Here's the one. See the guy on the right? His ears. They're so casual. Look at him. What? It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me none. Huh? Oh, look at his ear bending. It's sick.

This is...

Oh, my gross.

Wow. You got his face on the right.

I don't like it. It's going to be straight. Look at grandpa. I'm scared. It's going to be straight. It's going to snap, too. Just a snap, I'd hate. He's got to pull. He can't just sit there. You can't just... Oh, who's his coach?

For our drivers, we're just watching two guys somewhere with rubber bands around their ears attached to the other guy's ears, and they're pulling on each other until someone would give up. When I look at that, I go, We are well-fed on this Earth. We used to hunt and gather all day and then sleep all night. Now it's like, What are we going to do? You can't even parody that. I thought my sledgehammer or grapechoke was good, but jeez.

That's real. Yeah, these guys are real, and you just don't want your kid coming to you one day going, I found what I want to do. And you're like, Oh, is it ear rubber band fighting? You're like, Yeah, boy. Yeah.

All right. I put a pillow in each guy's hand and do pillow rubber band ear.

Why don't they have girls pillow? I mean, if you're going to do pillow fight, I don't understand. We don't need I'm going to forget it. Yeah. Okay, let's go to the next one. What's next? What's next? Good stuff. Good stuff.

Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff.

These are some weird stories. This is Kim K, who we all like. I think Kim K is nice. I saw her at this thing the other night. I didn't talk to her.

I did the Tonight Show.

I think she's nice.

I didn't talk to her. I did the Tonight Show with her once with Jay Lano, and she was incredibly nice. She goes, Well, what do you guys do for skincare? Jay said, Yeah, I just put water on my face. I don't wash it. I mean, I didn't either.

I wash my hair with soap.

No, you don't even do soap. I'm still asking for water.

It's fine.

What do you mean? I like Kim Kardashian. She's a hard working businesswoman. People go, What do the Kardashian do? I go, They work their asses off.

Don't show the comments already.

There's already enough plastic.

The joke is she's doing a dive on an Instagram, but she's in one foot of water. She goes, Look, it looks like a dolphin a little bit right there. But she's diving and people clown her because you're doing a belly flop. You have to or you're going to get paralyzed, right?

Not with soft sand, no. I think when I'm in the ocean, I try to get to the place. What do you do? As soon as I can, I want to get my head under the water. David, listen to this. You can write it down or hope you remember it.

Everybody grab a pen.

If you're in cold water, that doesn't look cold, but it's cold, you got to bite the bullet, go under the water. All the way under, okay. And swim really hard for a bit. That's the only way to reduce freezing. Warm your body. That's That's all Kim's doing. See how I defend her? Haters be hatin, lovers be lovin.

You know what I heard? I heard that haters going to hate. Is that true?

And what do lovers do? Lover's going to love.

Are you drinking Haterade? Okay. Let's go to Michael J. Fox.

All right.

You know Michael J. Fox?

Of course, from Saturday Night Live, when he hosted there, it was awesome.

He says, Being famous was tough for in the '80s. You had to be talented. Shots fired. This is a common theme, I think, with anyone that- Everybody knows that-isn't an influencer. Everyone thinks they're so talented. Well- Go ahead.

Give me your opinion because mine's probably too long-winded on this.

I think it doesn't matter, really, whatever brings an audience. Different people are bringing a different audience for different reasons, right? Yes.

That's a safe answer. Because of digital technology, someone can go on OnlyFans and reach people all around the world. The aggregate audience digitally on YouTube is 5 billion people. Now you have all these lanes. It used to be really weird to be... Remember the first time you were on camera and stuff? Because you may have known someone in the neighborhood with a Super 8 camera. So everyone's a TV star. Everyone has a voice. I asked some talent managers maybe six, seven years ago out of curiosity, I go, Does talent matter anymore? They immediately all said, No. Jesus. There was a kid who was nice-looking, and he blasted for a while just because he became a surrogate boyfriend on YouTube. Hey, gang, how are you all doing? He made a few million. So it's very dispirating. But yeah, you don't have to be talented in the same way you used to because there were so few lanes. You just make your own little world. And if it's outrageous, It's contagious. You can monetize your sexuality, in your case.

My tasteful dick pics on OnlyFans. Some not so tasteful. There's a paywall.

It's worth it. Well, I want to be an influencer. I'd love to do that. I'd love to hold up a watch and get a million dollars.

I know. I want to do all this. Michael J. Fox is talented, so we can't take that away from him. I think I said this at the beginning, and then I just gave up because no one's listening.

I did a couple of sitcoms in the '80s, and I was terrible. Michael J. Fox on Family Ties was incredible timing. Then famous on the Back to the Future movies, it's hard to play the innocent, sincere guy reacting all day long. Hey, Sarge. Yeah. Also, he's got that... He had that raspy voice. What's the movie? We haven't done it.

Casual Casuities of War.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of my favorite impressions of David. This is Michael J. Fox in the Vietnam War movie Casuities of War.

I think he's the new guy with all these jaded soldiers, and they go and they grab this Korean girl or whatever.

Sean Penn is the badass.

And John C. Reilly, and they take her in another room to fool around with her. He goes, Hey, Sarge. Hey, what are we doing here exactly? You got to give me a minute on this here. Oh, Christ, it's Mallory. Mel? That's a combination of an impression from a movie from 500 years ago and a TV show from 400 years ago.

Well, someone sent me yesterday. I can't remember. He sent me Partridge Family. That's a great one. The sketch on SNL. You were on the drums. I was David Cassie.

You were front and center, dude.

I was David Cassie. Sandler was in it. Of course, pretty much everybody, Neil-Ann.

The whole cast is Chris Rock at the end. That was in my top maybe 20 sketches ever. I would probably take that back, but that's up there with very, very memorable.

Well, I think for our generation, which Bill Simmons, the famous podcaster, said is that it was such a touchstone because of, going back to the last thing, there wasn't that much television. I grew up with three channels. So everyone knew braided Bunch and Partrich family in our generation. So when we did the rave off, It landed so good. I would say it's probably one of the happiest sketches I can watch. I watch it and I'm just happy.

And here's who's in it when you go back in time. Me, you, Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin Neillen, Mike Myers, Julia Sweeney, Siobhán, Farley.

The architect of the entire thing, Melanie Hutzel.

Melanie Hutzel.

Melanie Hutzel, that was her baby.

I sent it to Sandler about a month ago because it popped up on my feet. We both laughed at how Farley plays Ruben Kintate.

Yeah, I know. That was Farley. That's a good sound. Showing another... He had that gear when he wanted to. He's playing the straight-lace manager and just very matter of fact.

Any cut to him gets a laugh. He's just like this. It's because he looks different. He's got a big sport code on.

But he's playing small and stuff.

Yeah, he's playing it small, which is even funnier.

Really makes me laugh because everyone knows how explosive he is. Everybody in that thing makes me laugh.

Everybody showed up. All right, next one. What else is up? That's a good sketch, though. You can look it up.

A Millionaire Became Homeless to prove that he could become a Millionaire Again Without Anything. In 2020, in the middle of the pandemic, Mike Black wanted to show that you can go from nothing to something with a bit of It was hard work to inspire people. He started with a cell phone, one pair of clothes, no place to live,drain his money.Sum.

Dirty underpants.

Zero dollars,cut himself off from his network and had 12 minutes to make this happen. To make a million. First, he used a couch surfing app and was able to get a spot in a nice gentleman's RV for free. He got free stuff from Craigslist and sold them on marketplace.

Worked a business end of a glory hole.

He eventually got a job as a telemarketer paying about $35,000 a year, but still had a long way to go. Eventually, he got enough to lease a property and then sublet the rooms. But throughout this whole experience, he never once slept on the streets. And even with that, he had to end the project two months early because his mental and physical health was crumbling. He ended up being $935,000 short of his $1 million goal and admitted it was the worst time of his life.

That's pretty good. I don't know. Was that Mark Zuckerberg's story?

I wish Zuckerberg would try that. It's so funny because I thought, oh, my God, he's going to make it. And it was like, he totally quit and went bananas. It is fucking brutal. What's he doing? Cuts himself off from all his money and just goes out there with a Pogo stick and a $5 cash app. I tell you what-Guess what? It didn't work.

In today's world, you're just looking at it. I got a couple of dollars in my pocket. I love when people say that.

You got some beans in your jeans.

Alec Baldwin once said, I got a couple of bucks in my pocket. It seems like everybody, just on social media and Daily Mail and all the nonsense, is rich. Everybody Everybody is incredibly rich now. The pressure of thinking there's this other magic world to go live in. Billionaires, they were quiet. We didn't see them on their yards. It's another modern thing that's making people crazy.

They weren't jacked and juiced. If I get a billion, I'm going to- But I was rooting for that guy when I was watching it. I was, too. I'm like, he's going to make it. He's like, then he was dry humping a railroad tie and got splinters in his dick. It's like he went a little crazy. I understand. It's a hard thing I wouldn't try to do it myself. I just cling on any money I have at night and kiss it like this. I'm the exact opposite.

How would you deal with it if somehow you got a hold of that type of money?

I was broke all growing up. Cut to a shot of me living in a mansion. I was broke growing up, and so I never want to go back. That's what scares you, to be totally broke, but to wonder like, Oh, we don't have rent. Oh, we don't have this. As a kid, and my mom working the two jobs, sounds fake, but it was. Three boys were all assholes growing up. You don't know you're broke, so you're like, Why don't we have more stuff?

You know things stick out from your childhood, just things that were said to you. There was five kids in a track home. It was about maybe 15 to 1,600 square feet. We never had a new car and all this. But I wasn't really thinking. We did have a used TV and all that, but I didn't think about being poor. Then a kid in the neighborhood, somehow, I was like, fourth grade, vulnerable. He was talking about someone. I go, Were they poor? He goes, Yeah, yeah, like you. I remember going, I'm poor? What the fuck? I didn't know.

Dude, I got the same shit. A guy at Kickball told me, he goes, Hey, Spade, I heard your family's poor. Being poor wasn't a real panty dropper, even in fourth grade, because girls are like, Wait, what's going on? Everyone got quiet. I go, No, I think you got some bad intel guy. I don't know. But I don't know if I'm poor, but I don't want to. I'm like, No. He goes, No, you're poor. That's the word. I'm like, What a cockbocker. I know. Then I argued him. I go, Would our car... Would we have two tires on our front yard if we were poor? He's like, Yeah. I go, No, we have a car, and then we have two extra ones laying on the grass.

If you're really poor, your car is on blocks and your house is on wheels. But suffice to say, so people don't play violins, we had food on the table. It My dad would buy a side of beef, and it was mostly gristle. Jesus Christ, get the gristle. The gristle is the best part. It's just juicy fat and bone.

Everything's the best part when it's-Oh, Jesus Christ.

Then we had Carol's Syrup because like, aunt Jemimah's Syrup was more expensive, and that was like the liquid clear syrup.

Carol's syrup, that's motor oil, isn't it?

I wanted to play saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 a month or something to rent the saxophone.

What do you think of Nilson J. Rockerfiller?

Every day, I go, I'll get it tomorrow. And finally, I asked my parents, they go, We can't afford that. So I had to go in and go, Actually, so where's your saxophone? It ain't coming. There is no saxophone.

Do you want to try it? The teacher goes, You can blow me for free if you want to practice. And you're like, Well, Where did it go to that?

No, it's a great and seen.

Yeah. Okay, what do we do to wrap up? Do we have anybody put a video in?

I had a funny thing today.

Oh, you had a funny thing? Okay, let's hear it.

Well, I saw Biden got up there and gave a speech.

Oh, that's right. Biden gave a speech, and he... Go ahead.

Yeah. Well, what did he say before that? Because sometimes... Okay, we'll make it so it's non-partisan. We'll shit on Trump in a second. But Biden, actually, he said... I'll look it up. He says something, and then there's clearly this other word that's more of a direction to him. I think he said it's going to be four more years.

Yeah, that's it. I'm looking at it.

So he says, Yeah, it's going to be four more years. Pause. Pause. Yeah. And then the ground just kept screaming. But he did have a good joke. I'll give him credit.

He had a good joke.

He said something like, Yeah, Trump, you ever got a guy in high school, you want to just hit him with a left hook? Yeah, I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't say that. I want to hit him with the left hook. You know, Trump said that you got to put hydrogen peroxide during COVID. You got to inject it in your arm. But instead, he put it on his hair, and they went bananas. Did he say that?

Yeah.

That's a pretty good joke.

Who wrote that joke? You? No, Jesus. I saw him go, Hey. He came to Biden.

He goes, Yeah.

You want to wind up four more years with that guy?

It's a little Michael J. Fox. It's Sarge. Biden. Sarge. Am I too old to be President Sarge?

Hey, Sarge, you want that guy?

That guy. I don't know. I just do it. If you want to go back to the core.

What happens when Obama's listening to this at home with Clinton? No.

Michelle, I'm watching Joe. Hold on a second. Holy shit. He said, Pause. No, it was in the direction. He said, four more years. There was direction to him to stop talking so the crowd can go crazy. He said, Joe went, four more years. Pause.

He said pause?

He said pause. Michelle, he said pause. Fucked up. Let me call Bill Clinton. Hey, what's up? Are you asking about Joe? I saw it. He said pause. He said pause. I go, No, you cannot do that. That means to stop talking. He kept going. I can't believe it. Hello? Hello? Michelle, I hung up on him.

Michelle, do you I don't get it? He said the word pause. No, he said it loud.

Yeah.

No one can get it. They're like, You're joking. Well, I think it's funny, and he does get laughs at that. If he's doing that on purpose, it's funny.

No, he had a good... That's fine. Trump's just... I don't know. I assume the next movie, they're going to jail him for being in contemptive court or something.

I saw him doing one of his after-court briefings, but he seemed like he was in a full-jerk, and he's like, I've got this room right now. I'm It's obviously not miced up. It's not professional.

No, he's in some partial underground garage or some overhang thing.

Let me just put him in a janitor's closet. Okay, do it quick.

No one to see. The fix is in. It's a hit job. It's a hit job. The fix is in. This whole thing is corrupt. It's election interference. You know that? You know that word, election interference? They're the ones that are interfering. They shouldn't be. They shouldn't be. You know they shouldn't be. I wonder since his hair is orange, if he gets a jumpsuit, they'll make it lighter brown or black or something.

Yeah, that shouldn't. Unless he wants to be all orange. That's not a good palate for him. I think he should have a different color. You're right.

I'll just say the world's a little crazy right now. I'm just going to go out.

I'm going to talk about it more next week. But do we have any people that wrote in for advice or no? Is that it? No, okay. You can video yourself giving advice, and we give the best advice. No offense. It's unbelievable.

We gave a lot of advice on this one.

Straighten out a lot of people. Okay, well, thank you, Dana, and it was really fun.

My pleasure.

We might have a guest next week.

Maybe a secret guest.

Who knows? Don't give it away. Somebody familiar to us. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive-produced by Dana Carvie and David Spade. Charlie Finnan of Brill Street Entertainment, Jenna Weis-Burman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it..