By the way, I just want to say, I can't tell you, many, many people come up to me and they go, No, Dana and Susbate, they're always talking about you on their podcast.

Yeah, it's called Omaj. Is that the Omaj? It's an omaj to the Omo.

Why do you talk about me so much?

I don't know why you think we do you. That's ridiculous.

No, it isn't. Everyone just says I like to be real, but I don't want to be totally real.

I'll definitely be getting a, if we ever take a week off, I got a full face left from head to toe. I'm covered in a body bruise. Just my whole body's bruise.

Aren't we just puffy clowns? Did red buttons ever get a facelift? I don't know.

I know. We're supposed to be gross, I think.

I think we're just little clowns. Did ever get a lip tuck?

Everyone's supposed to be good-looking. Everyone. There's no... My dry cleaner has a headshot. It's like, you never know. Hey, discover me. Look, your hair's really like Jody Foster.

Talking about good work. I would say who had good work? Jody Foster. She looks great. No, I don't think she did anything, and she does look great.

I have a question for you because we have a guest. We don't ever have a guest. We're going to have it, so we're teasing it. But let's first get to, I know we talked about something before we came on that I want to see, and then we'll talk to this idiot.

I read, and I think it's true, I talked to other people, that if Trump I talked to other people.

I talked to other people.

Was that a fake news?

That's a good source. I talked to other people that if Trump goes to prison, the Secret Service is going with him because every ex-president has 24 round-a-clock The Secret Service guys.

So Trump going to prison with the Secret Service.

I like it.

With the Secret Service. This is my take on it. Oh, look, man. We got ourselves a new bitch. What's your name? My name is Donald J.

Trump, President of the United States. He thinks he's a...

I'm sorry. He switched. He thinks he's the President, man. Hey, look at you. You're fat, man, and orange. What do you eat all the time, man? How do you get big and fat and orange is like that?

I eat cheese cheeseburgers. I eat salads, very rarely, and I eat a lot of snow cones.

Snow cone? I don't know. Hey, he's proud of being fat so far. Okay, go ahead.

Snow cones is a funny word.

I eat snow cones, chicken cheeseburgers, snow cones.

Anyway, Hey, what's with the guys in the suits?

There's a secret service. They're sworn to protect me. They're sworn to protect me. And they got weapons like you wouldn't believe. They're coming to prison with me, and they're bringing their guns. They're bringing their uzis. They got rocket launches on their They got Dynamite in their pants. If you touch me, you're done.

Oh, it looks like I'm the bitch now.

Don't worry, I love the Aspatics. I've always loved the Aspatics, and they love me.

Hey, little sloppy.

Hey, can I borrow a dilly bar?

Now, if I can't do it with a Latino accent, I'd have to do, Hey, look, man, we got a little bitch here. Hey, what's up with you? You're fat, Maury. What the fuck you eat?

I think Latino works.

I was going to do the twist at the end. I don't really talk like this. I'm actually from Ireland, and I came here and I committed a crime. I sent him to prison, so I took out a persona to protect myself. Sometimes I talk like this, but really, this is how I actually talk.

Hey, Trump.

Hey, Trump.

Hey, Trump.

You got a big rump.

Hey, Trump, you got a big rump, and you stunk. Trump, you're fat and round and orange. What's going on, homie?

I like they let you bring a machete in here.

The Secret Service will bring all kinds of weapons like you guys have chains, machetes, and iron fist, whatever they call them, knuckles and all those things. Rast knuckles. They'll hit you so hard, you'll be crying all the way down. Let me tell you, you'll be like a girlyman, a little tiny girlyman from Huntsman, France, standing in a wine.

You might want to sit next to me in the cafeteria.

Yeah.

If you tip over my mashed potatoes, the secret service will be like, Why don't race? He's going to take it up.

Hey, man, why is your voice so rough all the time?

I don't know.

Be nice. I might give you my fudgicle.

That's if Trump goes to prison. Now, Biden goes to prison.

Hey.

Who says we're in prison? It's all just subjective.

But he would be shadowed by cornpop, or at least he could say Cornpop's in here with me, and so you don't want to mess with me because Cornpop.

Yeah, I wanted to do a little A little Trump this week. Next week, it's going to be back to Biden, and then maybe I'll do, I don't know, Bobby Kennedy Jr. People ask me, but it's very difficult.

Well, we've got a guest, a buddy of ours, wants to jump on with us, and we can read the headlines and he'll just read them with us, and we'll just talk about a nine stupid shit.

Is this a mystery guess?

Let's pretend it's a- You have to guess him. Oh, whoops.

Well, that wasn't a mystery. Tell Tau, Tau One, come in. We need to make a landing.

He's asleep, his eyes are open. No, he has- Oh, John. He likes an Air Force controller with those headphones.

He told me to wear headphones, for God's sake.

Wait a minute. Is this John Lovitz?

Mm-hmm. John, are you in the incredible strength of your man?

You're welcome.

You want me to play Bill Bur and you play John Lovitz? Hey, John, your head's like a tomato can. That thing was hysterical.

What's the deal with pickles?

We text each other like that, and I said, We should do that on your podcast. So we did. He goes, Just say anything. I went, Okay.

And you gave it to him with both barrels.

He's not worried about getting canceled.

Hey, it's Jerry the Dog.

Hello, Jerry. Jerry and I are on Hot and Cold with each other.

Does Jerry remember me or is he playing hard to get?

He remembers to you. Wait, let me see.

Jerry's not so thirsty to be on camera.

Dana, remember this is what we do when we were on stage at SNL? We'd see each other in the monitor, remember?

. Oh, just go chin up thing. We were early in our 30s then. We didn't really have to keep our chin up.

Looking at each other like we're hit. Yeah, it's overhead light. It looks like I'm completely bald. That's why I'm wearing a hat.

No, that's good. That hat is Arizona. Yeah, because you have- Is that Arizona?

Sorry. Yeah, the win when I was there with you.

Oh, that's Nevada.

Okay. You got flying saucer teacups over your ears and a blue cap. At first I was like- I don't have to wear them. No, I think you do. No, I think you do. You'll wear them.

No, he just cut out.

Why aren't you wearing them?

The podcast is in.

I've got these little ones that fit in.

I have ones like that, except mine are expensive. They're great, John.

You have great sound.

I have a shirt like that, except mine's expensive.

I had a shirt like that once, but then my mom got a job.

What a fucking burn.

Oh, you are wearing a head.

That was doing a Wayne's World line.

John, we're going to throw up a few stories, and you just chime in with this. We're going to make fun of whatever's going on in the world, okay?

Okay. Hit it, fellows. Oh, it's on my screen.

Yes.

Okay. This is a new...

You want to read it? Oh, come on. You want to read it?

Read it, David. Heather, my birthday is coming up. Pea-stained jeans, leakage Nike style, come with a big price tag, and it's already sold out. So you can buy jeans that look like you peepied in them. Is this from the Billy Madison collection? Look at how funny this is. Are you going to wear these? That guy looks super cool. He's a DJ, I think, at Coachella.

I would buy him for a friend for Dana and you as a joke.

Right. Well, they have another one. I think it's called the John Loves Connection in the back. I was going to say a fudgeicle motif. I wanted to make you happy, John.

It's a melted fudgeicle in in your pocket.

It's called Poopans, and they just have a brown stain in the back. And apparently, they're going off the charts. They're Nordstrom's.

Well, mine has a little airbag in it. So when you kick the guy, it goes...

What happens? Oh, it farts?

Yeah.

I like these. You got to be skinny to wear pea pants.

Is this even real?

I think it's real.

I'm calling bullshit on that. I don't think that's right.

Go to our YouTube and give us facts and figures because I like to look at the comments. They're actually very nice sometimes. Some of our fans are nice. Actually, I'm shocked.

Why would you want to wear jeans where it looks like you put it?

They You're on the runway in Milan, Heather said.

Well, it's like the first time- That's just crazy. John Lovitz, where were you when you first saw someone with torn jeans?

You go, Oh, yeah. This is just the...

What do we do now? We've torn them up.

Yeah, I've never seen I'd throw them out.

And then you'd throw up.

I do. And then you'd grow up. I like shirts that are a little beat up. I like the old sweatshirts. Then when you started selling them looking old. I thought it was ridiculous, but I like it. It saves me 100 washes. I'm always down to the laundermat. But you're trying to save water and conserve on water? You know, John, when we were all three at SNL at the same time, the hardest day was... The day off was Sunday, and I would go in. You'd have to go to the basement of my boiling hot apartment building, and then I'd have to buy $100 in quarters and go down there and do.

That's a funny story. I paid John on the side to take my laundry and do it and bring it back. I was very grateful, and I was generous with my payments. Remember John, when you do my laundry? Yeah, I remember that.

That was cool of you.

By the way, I just want to say, I can't tell you, many many people come up to me and they go, Dana and John. I mean, Dana and Spate, they're always talking about you on their podcast.

Yeah, it's called Omaj. They said they are. It's an omaj to the Omo.

Why do you talk about me so much?

Well, you come up because you're funny and interesting voice. Dennis Miller comes up because you think of his take. Okay, you got the love man on with the Dixie The cup phone things and the mariner's hat, okay?

I don't have the inside of the ear. Headphones, love it.

What was said on the $5 rack and keep going.

What am I, Glico? What's my insurance, Geiko?

I don't know why you think we do you. That's ridiculous.

No, it isn't. Everyone just says it.

You're doing Mae West.

No, I'm not.

Mae West.

Mae West Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

Come up and see me sometime. Come up and see me sometime. God, it is.

Because I just put that together, Mae.

Why don't you come up and see me? No, you know who I really sound like is Wimpy from Popeye. It really bothers me. I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

You're better than Wimpy. That was good.

No, I love Wimpy.

What's the next story? Then we'll talk more about Wimpy.

It's about underwear that is.

Then my hair.

Let's see if we can elevate the podcast. Okay, here we go.

Sophia Bush says she's in a relationship. Now, I just thought, in my opinion, this is not important, but when an actress If an actress is gay, it's okay to keep that to yourself. I think the idea is we're all equal, and being gay is nothing different from anyone else, which it isn't, and it's not a problem. But it always feels like a press release is necessary, and I don't know how to react to Oh, good, or, Oh, okay, or it's the shoulder shrugger, but they seem to always have to come out and say, What did we did?

It's like John came out with an article saying he was heterosexual. I mean, would that be news?

Well, that was because there was so many whispers. John, what is USWNT? United States Women's.

What is it?

Women's. Soccer? No.

Retired soccer player.

Wait. You US Women's National Team? Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

I look at this picture and then I'm like, Well, why are they showing the photo? Why don't they show some video?

Okay, that's enough.

Of the two of them together. That's what I want to see because I'm just picturing it in my head.

I thought it was her with a haircut on them. I'm not even joking. I thought it was her.

Here's my question. Is Sophia Bush, is she related to George Bush?

I think she is.

Or is it Is it a different Bush? Dana?

Why does it just say Bush likes Bush?

I like the Peace Dane article a lot, and this one, too. I think we're two for two.

Okay. I'm just throwing things out there.

You're right. It's just like, you call it a nothing burger.

It's very normal.

Each his own, so who cares?

It shouldn't be a press release.

Why doesn't it just say Bush is into Bush?

Okay. Well, we still come on to that.

John is really being full, John. I love it.

I like it.

Okay, go to the next. I'll be like, Bill Burry. Don't hold back.

She's no relation to George Burry, which we heard.

Okay, I didn't think so.

This is going to bother John. Would you pay 44% capital gains, John?

No, it would kill the economy. It completely defeats the idea of why people want to buy a house and hang on to it for a long time. Their house goes up in value, and now he's taking almost half of the gains away. What does that do?

Thirteen % if you live in California, so you would get up to 57 %. Come on, it's time for the people above America to pay a fair share. The share of Sharon Stone, so simple pilots, so simple instance. Barney Rubble, Rubble, Dresdon.

I think it would make the housing market crash, wouldn't it?

Well, I think what it would slow it down. It is more money on the surface that would come into the country and immediately go out. But also it lessens your drive to invest because investing is already a gamble. Let's say you lose money, you lose. Let's say you actually do well and you make money, then you have to give halfway. What happens is people stop investing as much. Someone like me, they put tax on houses in California and LA County, so I won't buy another house.

I was going to say, with the property taxes, when you buy a house, so less people buy homes, that's less property tax.

Well, historically in the late '90s, it happens, is Clinton got together with the Republicans and lowered the capital gains tax, and the government actually took in more revenue. Yeah, there's a lot of inputs to this tax.

Through property tax, probably, right?

And through motivation to get in the stock market and invest and expand.

Then you get in because if you Then you might make money. But then more people pay tax.

I wasn't even thinking on it. You're saying on the stock market.

Yeah, you kill it. Animal spirits. Unless we want to be some social welfare state. I don't know.

It's a problem, John. You don't think. Okay, next one. How dare. How dare. I eat John a lot. Who's going to listen to three comedians about- Nobody. That's why.

Nobody. That's why we're moving on.

This is what I thought it was interesting. Now, without Without knowing there was music attached.

Dana, is that you?

Without knowing this, this was just interesting. That just how fast animals are, and I had no idea which ones are fast and slow. So just talk along with it. If one of them seems fast and surprised, you said, Okay, here we go.

Is that Dana?

Okay, turn that down a little bit. Okay, that's a cat.

A cat?

It was 48.

That's Sophia Bush and her girlfriend.

A fox.

What's that? An ostrace?

Ostrages are really fast.

That's a wolf. Look at their little leg.

And they all love ACDs.

A wolf, a peacock, and an ostrage.

Oh, the rhino? How fast is that? The rhino. Fifty-five?

Fifty-five miles per hour?

I had no idea. I thought they were slower. Okay, keep going. What's that? An elk? Antelope? And a what?

A bison and a moose.

Buffalo goes 56 miles an hour.

A brown bear? Oh, they could fucking haul. That's as fast as I go. That would be tough to outrun them. Okay. Cheetah. Cheetah is the fastest. I understand.

Cheetah can go 85 miles an hour.

No, look at the wolf. Who the fuck had their money on the wolf?

No, the Cheetah is faster. Oh, and who are these guys? I don't even think these are real animals. I think this is animated.

Is this Jurassic Park?

It's animated.

It's an AI. It's an AI. Where are they going? That's the big question. They're coming back? How dumb.

How long can they sustain the- Who's going to get food?

Who's filming this? Oh, a giraffe. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, not a giraffe. Tiger 65. A camel? No shit. A camel, 65 miles an hour?

Yeah, it's fucked. No way.

Forget that. Look at their homes.

Look at the zebra.

Like Life insurance is a big deal, Dana. I know you think ahead. I think I tend to think ahead, but you got to get your ducks in a row at some point.

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For a year? For a year?

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I like that. I do have life insurance, Dana, and I'm glad I do.

Am I the one who would benefit- Beneficiary? Yeah.

If anything happens to you, do I get- It's split between Sandler gets the most because he needs it. Thank you so much.

Thank you,. They're going to love this.

I give it to Rob Schneider, too. Hey, thanks. Give me more.

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Yes, that's That's why, yeah, this is a great product. This is a great thing to have. Policygenius gives you an unbiased advice from a licensed expert support team, which is nice.

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Dana running like a little pussy cat.

When they used to say you run like a puss, is that what they meant?

Yeah.

Here's a news flash, though. What animal can run the longest?

What does that mean? Like a marathon?

A human being.

A human being. We'd go with our spears, we'd hit the animal, the animal would only be hurt and start to get away, and we could chase them for 12, 14 hours just running.

Is that true?

Yep. Human beings are really great at long distance running compared to other mammals.

How fast do you think you can run, Dana?

41 miles an hour. No, in my prime?

Yeah, what'd you do the mile?

About 425.

Really?

Okay. Okay. Well, we trained a lot, and there's a lot of people faster than that.

I could train for my lifetime.

I'll train your head in a minute.

What about how fast you go? Do you go 20 miles an hour?

I'm not sure how it equivocates. I think human beings top out at 28, if you're like, who's saying Bolt?

John's big bragging. I heard him the other day bragging to the wagers at a dinner that he got 640 steps that day. Then he showed her.

That's for this screen to rip your head off.

I'll clap to this goddamn screen. All right, we'll watch this.

I'm faster now at tennis.

I play tennis faster.

That's true. You are quick side to side.

This is an old commercial, right? From the '90s. Okay. This is a '90s Instagram. Is that Dana in the middle?

Let me see.

Flirt, squirt. Where did this go?

Ryan Goslin.

And a song. Oh my God, she spit in her mouth. It's so fucking loud. Flirt, squirt.

They're off Offly Young to be flirty and squirted.

Oh, that's... Heather says that leads to first base, but I think that's fourth base when you squirt on a guy.

He just checks me. John, say this.

Oh, he did?

Yeah. I said, Why are you focusing on flirt and squirt?

Offly young to be flirting and squirting.

Now, thank you. Okay, that's a comment. Offly young to be flirting and squirting. Offly young to be wearing a bowler hat, that idiot in the middle. But fine.

I think that one kid was Ryan Gostling as a kid, wasn't it?

I think it was- Really? One of them was Reese Witherspoon at the end of it with the glasses.

The thing they don't tell you is this is a precursor because if you aim low, you get pea pants.

Oh, yeah, it's true. That's good. You tied it up because flirt squirt is basically you pee in the other guy's mouth, and it's a little bit beyond flirting. It's like, Hey, I think Jenny likes me. She just peed in my face. I'm not going to hear you, little girl. No, I wouldn't even. Don't try to church you.

You and your fantasies.

Flirt, squirt. I'm so old. I didn't know any girls that squirted in my life, and now there's too many. Isn't that funny? Do they learn it along the way? Do they watch a tutorial?

I've never been with a girl that squirted.

You have one?

No, I've never been with one.

Let's look at a clip.

That squirted.

Oh, really? Well, maybe you're not Mr. Romeo.

Or maybe I'm Hickey.

No. If you push right here and also squeeze their big toe, it can work. It's hard to do, though. You get one.

Where do they squirt?

It can go up to 6 to 8 feet. Flirt, squirt. All right, read with Dana.

I'm already back on that.

Dana, don't jump out on flirt, squirt.

No, I have no- We got a young audience that wants to hear about it.

Dana told me he would flirt, squirt with Nora Dunn.

When?

Between the scenes on SNL?

I don't know when. He just wouldn't do it. They were arguing in the hallway one day on SNL. I thought it was about sketches.

No, it was about- And You heard the flirt squirt song?

No. Then they were like, Yes, squirt. You promised to squirt me in the middle of the sketch. I tried.

The truth of it is funny. John and I were in a sketch of William Shatner, and we were playing Star Trek nerds. It's a famous sketch.

Famous sketch, yeah.

When I'm chatting and goes, Yeah, the life. Then Nora and I just had an argument, whatever. But it was just like the nerd. I had glasses with tape in the middle. Is that what you were? And John came out. We're nose to nose yelling. You know, there's a lot of stress on the show. I was dying laughing. It's hard to get in a real argument when you're dressed as a church lady. Now, you get the fuck out. Take a swing at someone.

Could you tell that that was a Really funny sketch all week because it's lived throughout history. It's a really good one.

Oh, yeah. Everything about William Shatner was just funny that week, and he just killed it. It was so funny.

We were the most excited about him hosting them anyway. Because Dennis would always say, Why aren't I in sketches? And he complained, I go, Dennis, you don't hang out Tuesday night, right? So then he'd be around the table and he'd always be like... Because there was nothing for him to do. But when it was... I remember this distinctly. There's William Shatner. Lauren's in the middle and then the host, and then the table goes this way. I always sat next to the host, and Dana was on my right. I remember looking and saying to Dana, it's Kirk. We were so excited. I looked at Dennis, he's like this. He was so excited. Well, we all were excited. It was Kirk, the Captain Kirk.

When they walked down to lunch, or they walked down to Huxley's or something, but they were, let's say, outside of 30 Rock, they're just walking down the street to go to dinner or whatever. He said, So many people yell, Captain Kirk, and while he's talking, he just throws this up. Anyway, Dennis, we golf last week.

Hey, Oh, we can do that?

And he would throw it out because that's all they want to see is, Hey. But then we asked William Shatner, and he said, I don't remember that.

He said, I can't remember what you're talking about.

He didn't remember doing this to people?

Well, Dennis said he's just throwing around just while he's talking because he does so much. It's fluid, which is funny.

Remember the episode where Spock got mad and did this to a Klingon?

No, he did not. Did he? I made that joke. Remember Remember they made Spock because he didn't have any emotions. They made him wear pea pants around this patient.

I knew you were going for that.

I knew it. I had to around this patient because he has no emotion. He goes, Why is this humorous? They're fucking pea pants, dude. It's funny.

Remember, he fell in love with somebody. He didn't understand Emotion, and then he hit a flirt squirt.

I don't get it. That's you. And then he did a flirt squirt by some Klingon?

Trouble with the Tribbles. It was a previous episode.

No man has gone before.

Okay. Dana was in the middle of a current. I interrupted.

I was in. I was squirt. Squirt and flirt. Like, woman, ever squirt in my face.

John, what couch are you in? You went La Scala? What are you doing right now?

It's in my house.

It It is? You didn't do that design on purpose, did you?

I did it back then.

I know a great lawyer. I'm not going to call you right now.

It looks like you're at a Persian conference store.

I went with this Southwest theme, and it was like 30 years ago. There you go.

I have to say, John, it's a big mansion. Good luck with your mansion text. He has a mansion up on me.

Your house is twice as big as mine.

It's twice as Southwestern.

You want to talk about personal stuff like No, John, I don't.

I don't want to do this. And yet you brought it up. No, John, when are you going on the road next? And do you like the road? And if you travel past Texas, do you go the day before? Go.

I go normally about once or twice a month. Yeah, I do like it, but I always go to fly the day before the show because you never know. What if you miss it? So I'd rather have peace of mind and get a good day's night's sleep before the show.

Even if it's Vegas?

Even If it's Vegas.

Even if it's Phoenix.

Even if it's Phoenix. I don't care where I go the day before.

And I get all- Because I don't want something to happen and then I miss- No, it's so stressful.

You're right. You go to the Hollywood Improv the day before?

The Hollywood Improv.

You hang out at the Hollywood Improv the day before?

No, I don't play LA anymore because- Oh, yeah.

I heard this theorem.

Well, comics steal jokes for one. Yeah, my jokes are that good. Secondly- My next You never know. They'll feel me. They're going, Oh, you said this, you said this. It was a joke. Yeah, but you meant it, even though it was a joke. I go, Well, I meant it, yeah, but it was a joke.

Who are these people?

Yeah, who are these people?

Who are these people? They're looking at your career, and it's not worth a chance.

Well, I think you could go on.

It might laugh and they might be offended. If they're offended, you go, so what? Oh, right.

You're saying Hollywood audiences are a little more offended, some of your offensive stuff. A little.

There's always somebody.

Well, guess what? Steve Steve Martin, guess what? In his book, he stayed out of LA completely. He went on the road, he opened for people, he did Vegas, he did a lot of things, and he became great. So there's more than one way to skin a Steve.

Why did he stay out of Los Angeles?

Well, I think he saw that the sitcom way and that wasn't his way. So then he started opening and just working on the road. Two weeks before he made it, he bombed so bad. He considered, just forget it.

What was his make it moment? I can't remember.

I don't know. I just remember in his book, he was playing some Miami gig. If the audience didn't hook, he wasn't famous. If they didn't hook his character, it got really grim in there.

Well, he was making fun of it.

I know. He was deconstructing.

If you didn't get that, it was bad. But if you did, he was hysterical.

I saw him at peak at the boarding house, and also saw him at the Community Center. Yeah, it was pretty something to watch that.

What about when he had the Blues brothers open for him at the Universal Amphitheater? That's probably the coolest show I've ever missed.

Even Steve, it's hard. Man, that'd be one of the toughest things to follow, probably with Steve Martin.

Oh, the Blues brothers when they were killing it.

With the full dancing and all the singing.

Yeah, that's the tough one. I follow Balushi and Acro doing anything and then you're even better.

Yeah, but he was on SNL then, too. So it was like two SNL.

He was on a lot. Yeah, he was on a lot.

Steve Martin was a rock star as well.

I got to work with him in a movie, Three Amigos. Phil Hartman and I, right? And Joe Montaigne were in the scene. They was doing coverage on Steve Martin. It was Chevy Chase and Martin shirt. Anyway, they're on Steve. He would do a take and they go, Let's do it again. Each time, he was a little funnier, and I've never seen anything like it. He had such control. It was like he had a knob on his chest. They go, Where do you want to hear? I'm like, Let Let me turn it up one. Let me turn it up two. A little funnier? Okay, we'll go into three. It was like that precise. I've never seen anything like it.

I believe it.

It was incredible.

You lie a lot, but that one I believe.

He's not Dana Carvie.

Well, I remember working in- But he was amazing. Trapped in Paradise, and I would watch it, and everyone's like, This is John's closeup. It would be exactly the same every time.

I have a knob on me that says 11, and it's broken off there, so it doesn't go below.

I've done movies with both of you guys, and I have to say between the two of you, I'm the funniest.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you for that audience poll. No, I mean, wait. No, you are funny. I didn't mean to say I'm the funniest. No, it does for me to say. I'm sorry. Between the two of you, I'm funny.

It drives me crazy.

I know it came out of wrong again.

People go, Well, you're just naturally funny. That's what they say to you.

Yeah, they say that to me. I go, Oh, it's just easy for you. I work my ass off on it. No, it's not that. I act like I don't know I'm being funny, but I do know, and I know how I'm funny.

No, no one can just be a natural and not work the system of how to be funny on command with a camera in your face.

No, this guy named Ralph Levy, who used to produce and direct the Jack Finney show in the Burns & Al show, he came to my acting class, Tony Barton, acting for the camera. He was, Ralph's going to teach you comedy. But anyway, Ralph said, You do all the things you do in drama, then you add the comedy on top, and then you, the actor, you know you're being funny, but your character should be oblivious. As a result, people think, Oh, you're just naturally funny. You're funny just standing there. I said, If I'm just standing there, it's because I'm making that choice to just stand there with the blank face because I know it'll be funny.

Because that's the funny way to do it, yeah.

Could I get a master theespian, A-C-T-I-N-G, with full commitment?

Acting.

I said, Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. That's good. That was a good laugh.

On SNL, though, they break so much now. I go, What happened in the sketch? Remember, we weren't allowed to break character. We'd have been fired.

We thought we were fired.

This isn't the Carol Burnet ship. We don't do that.

Ryan Goslin, though, was having so much fun. It wasn't infectious. That was The Most Breaking Show ever. But you couldn't help but laugh really hard.

Well, he's the host. He's not going to get fired.

Yeah, but it was- I guess I have to go back to my giant movie career.

I don't think he's worried about it.

I guess I got to go back.

Go look up the Beavis and Budhead sketch. It's a a classic.

You saw it, didn't you?

I saw it.

I saw it. I get Twitter.

It's very funny.

It would have been funnier if they hadn't broke. I mean, that's how I feel.

I wish we could have broke. I think breaking sometimes... I agree with you. When I was doing the Pepper Boy, I thought we were going to break for a minute, and I didn't want to break on that because it was killing so hard without it. But it does make you laugh when people break.

But anyway, here's my impression of Farley in that. Why?

Thank you, Empermore.

I would like more of him.

He really made him feel alive. Down by the river, it was you and Christina, and you guys were trying not to laugh. He was doing everything he could to make you laugh. Which was funny, but it was- Did you ever Did anyone ever laugh?

Your whole time in SNL, or did anyone ever laugh?

No, I did one time because it was Tarzan, Tonto, and Frankenstein on a Pat Stevens show with Nora. She's interviewing the three of us. Anyway, When we were doing the sketch, and then all of a sudden, Phil, out of nowhere, started laughing.

Oh, yeah. That's very odd for Phil. Then he stopped like that.

Then five seconds later, he just lost it.

That was it. Yeah, he did.

He laughed on and on.

We're all like, What is he laughing? Then we couldn't not laugh. I'm like, Covering my face. We were like, And I couldn't stop. And then afterwards, I said, Phil, what happened? Because nothing had happened. He just started laughing. He said, No, I tell you what he said. He goes, Well, I just thought how ridiculous I'd look. I started laughing, and then I stopped. He goes, And then I thought, What that must have looked like to the people watching the sketch and at home seeing Frankenstein laugh like that, and he goes, And then I just lost him.

For no reason.

Yeah. Then Lauren and I, money goes, Well, that happens. It's all right.

The other thing, John, is the sketch continued, even though it I lost it. If I remember him as Frankenstein crashing through the set because that's what he was doing.

Yeah, didn't he do that? He kept going.

He was laughing his ass off the whole time. He didn't stop. He's still doing the character.

Yeah, I think I remember that.

We tried. Yeah, we tried to finish, but couldn't stop. But that's the only time I remember doing that.

Listen, Dana, I just wanted to tell you that the Clips not really coming to LA when everyone was so excited about it like it was Coachella was funny. It's not funny. Getting ripped off. Harry's Razors agrees. Harry's Razors is something my brother Andy told me about years ago. What they did, they saw customers getting screwed over by questionable, overpriced shaving products, and they decided to do something better.

I hear, David, that instead of charging the same stupid high prices, Harry's found their own way to make really honestly beautifully designed lasers for a fraction. Do you know what that means? A fraction of the price of the- It's like less than the brands. It's like less than the brands. Less, exactly. Except products, honest prices. That's Harry's, David.

Oh, yeah. Listen, they're heavy. They have a weighted handle. Dana, and I know you like to get pumped up. You count on them as barbells because you go, I do two Razors in the morning, do curves.

Yes, I take the razor and they pump up the bicep. But you used to do 300 pounds. Yeah, but you just do more reps.

That's what I say.

It's all about the reps. That's what it says, it's all about the reps. No, it's great to have a real... This is like stuff in movies, you'd see a guy with a really a handle and a weighted heavy shaver. Then these other companies came out with these plastic ones.

Garbage.

That just after one shave, I'm an alpha male in a way, so I can hear it say, Ow, when I go down my star.

You look at how wide they are between blades, you're like, This is going to rip my face. After one shave, just get the blood off it, throw it away. But the ones, the heavy ones look cooler. You look like you're in a movie. I like it. It's quality, makes you feel good, better than the rest. Listen, it's got the highest customer satisfaction in the shave industry. No risk trial. You don't like it for some weird reason. No worries.

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All right. Anything else for John before we let him go walk Jerry?

What do you have? You're on show now? What? Now suddenly it's your podcast.

No, I'm just saying because we have a screen of questions. I'm John Lovitz.

We'll be right back with Dana.

We are here with John Lovitz.

And David State right after this.

We are here with the one and only John Lovitz.

With a word from Snaple.

Thanks, John, do you want to promote a gig?

Where are your gigs?

Your next one?

I'll be at the Grove Comedy Club in May in Arkansas. Look for me. I have a new singing show where I sing with a great band Randy Morgan, who played with Frank Sinatra, a four-piece band at the Jazz Club, Vibrato.

Where is that one, town?

It's in Los Angeles.

Top of Beverly Hills. The Beverly Glen Center, and I'm there.

Oh, up in there? Okay.

Yeah, I went there. They're two shows, and they want to bring me back now every couple of months.

It was a blast. I saw it, Dan.

Well, you do have pipes. What are you singing? Sinatra type and all that stuff? You wouldn't like it.

Yeah, stuff like that, different standards and fun songs. Songs like The Monkey and the Babble that my grandfather taught me when I was a kid.

Sing it in the Rain. No, it's still funny.

Well, he does comedy.

Yeah, I do comedy. It's still a funny show.

He doesn't have a good voice.

It's not Dana Carton, David Spade. I'll give him that. It's Spade funny, but it's funny.

It's not me and my Pogo's dick. No.

It's not When Dana, George Bush, Dennis Miller.

I'm doing a tour of the south, by the way. That's funny. That's a great question, Love. I'm doing- I thought you went already. Well, it's on davidspade. Com, but I'm doing, I think I'm in Arkansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, Orlando. I'm doing Arkansas.

Mew, mew, mew.

Mew, mew, mew.

Did you guys ever talk about when Dana Carvie brought me to a club? You He goes, There's this guy there, David Spade. He's really influenced by Dennis and I. That's the first time I saw David. Then I was like, Oh, my God. He's like a clone of the two of them. If Dana and David, Dennis Miller and Dana If I ever had a baby, it would be Spade.

I think he's outstripped that, Monica.

Well, that's no. That looks better than mine.

Years ago, you have your own style now. But back then, it was like... But you were funny. But that's the first time I ever saw you. Dana introduced me to you.

When I When I first saw Dennis, he said, This guy, John, is a cross between me and a snuffle about us.

When I first saw David, I watched him and I said, He's like a cross between Dennis Miller and a flirt squirt.

When I first saw John Lovitz, I thought he was a cross between Mo Howard and Ulysses S. Grant.

When I first saw Dana Carvie, I thought he was Ellen Degenera.

I first saw Dana. He was across from me. Tinkerville. Just Tinkerville. I can't think of another one.

This is a true story. Dana, we'd always tease each other, and he would do characters. The start when William Shatner hosted this show, and he was, John, I'm in three sketches. Three, three. He always goes, What can't I One time, he's behind me dressed in makeup as Johnny Carson, and he's imitating Johnny Carson. It was so spukily good. Dana was gone, and you were in the room with Johnny Carson. I remember in my head looking at it, and I literally thought, Yeah, he's right. What can't he do? That's how good he was, how great he was. I actually thought that. I go, He's right. It was so spooky. It was so weird.

I remember I see him run around as Carson. He looked great.

But he sounded exactly like him, and he was gone. It was pretty amazing.

That's very nice, John. John is one of the most talented of people I know. John can really sing. He said, I can really sing. He would tell me, I can really sing. I go to myself, Sure, for a comedian. Then I saw him really sing, and he goes, Damn. It's the same compliment. That guy can really sing.

Yes, he can sing.

Probably the best Well, I like to sing. The show is called From the Shower to the Stage. I like to sing in the Shower, but it sounds amazing. Everyone thinks they sound great in the shower.

I told him that should be a TV show. I'm going to put it out there and try.

Frank Sinatra, though. Frank Sinatra, everyone goes, he's the greatest. He wrote a book on singing, if anyone's listening, called no. No. Tips on popular singing by Frank Sinatra. He tells you how to sing, and it's fantastic.

Does it work? Because the other day you were telling me- Oh, Yeah, it really works.

Oh, because it didn't.

Yeah, you told me you take your upper soft palate. I'm like, Let me just- No.

Every singing teacher, it's your diet, fam. Pull your stomach in, pull it out to support the air. Frank Sinatra says, breathe in through your nose. Because if you're breathing through your mouth, the air goes in, it dries your vocal. The summer wind. Then your lungs fill the air and you feel your rib cage go He goes, Don't let your rib cage go back in. He's the only one that says, not your stomach, your thyroid, your rib cage. If you do that, that's what you focus on. You automatically support it correctly with your abdominal muscles.

That's what I'm going to take. I'm going to take a shower right after this podcast. I'm going to sing. I'm going to take a long shower after this podcast. Everybody loves somebody Sometimes. Well, what's more fun than singing with a band? Comedy is hard. You're up there singing with a four.

He's like the character. It's not easy. It's like, Don't make me sing.

These guys, Randy Wallman is a musical conductor in the range of- Never heard of them. He's played with Frank Sinatra, George Benson, Ray Charles. He's the top guy. He's Barbra Streiton's personal pianist and now musical conductor. He's been a personal accomplionist pianist for 36 years.

Never heard more boring credits.

The guitar player. He's the best studio musician, guitar player. He's known for a Michael J. De.

What are we getting at? Go ahead. Stolo. He's good. Now what?

I want to see him in his show.

In Back to the Future.

Oh, is he on your show?

The cello player is one of the best cellos in the world.

This is his band.

The drummer is one of the best drumbers. Dave Tull, you call him Professor, teaches everything. They're so great.

You have to try it. I think I might jump off.

To play with these guys. It's not easy. David Spade likes it off the bar.

I thought we were doing VH1 behind the music. I'm like, What's going on here?

We're just talking. That's This is band.

That's your band.

It's good stuff. I'm saying it's fun, but it's not easy.

It's not like amateur hour.

Well, they're not. I'm trying to keep up with them.

No, you are. You do good. I've seen it. It's good. Okay, so Dana, nice to meet you. John. John, nice to see you. I'll see you out front because you live in my yard. Jerry, the dog. Nice to- Jerry, who? Oh, boy. Jerry, don't show the overbite. Does he have a good angle?

He's going to be hearing it. Underbite, right? Jerry.

Quit fighting.

Don't let him do that stuff, too.

He's sleeping.

He's like, Hey, I just found this turd in the driveway. Jerry, sweet. I have to chew on. Anyway, John, great to see you. Let's do it again sometime. This will never air. Okay, bye. Bye, John.

Bye, everybody. Goodbye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive-produced by Dana Carvie and David Spade. Charlie Finnan of Brill Street Entertainment, Jenna Weis-Burman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it..