Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad TV. And now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. everything golden Pony, including his tour dates@tonyhinchcliffe.com.

if you want to check out the sunset Strip or get some death squad merch, go to Deathsquad TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Rick coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchley.

Who's ready for the best fucking evening of their lives, huh?

Yippee. Here we go. You made it. Indeed. So the number one live podcast in the world.

Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by game time, liquid death, connect, mobile health. A bunch of great sponsors. Amazing stuff. How about a hand for the best stam band in the land, huh? My goodness gracious.

Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. Michael Gonzalez.

The great and powerful mutilator. Matt mulling on the electric guitar. Carter Arrington joining on a very special electric guitar. And of course, the great and powerful d madness here on the bass. A lot of fun stuff coming right up.

Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Hey, y'all. This podcast is brought to you by Express VPN. Every single thing you've ever clicked on is fully visible to anyone who owns your wi fi. Who's that? Who, you ask?

Oh, I don't know. Your work, your school's it department, your parents. Sounds like you need ExpressVPn. ExpressVPN is an app that sends 100% of your traffic through their encrypted servers, so your taste in cinema cannot be seen by anyone. It's like super incognito mode that actually works.

I love being able to watch anything anywhere while my information is being kept private. I use ExpressVpn to make sure I'm staying current with all my shows, and I feel safer knowing that my data is protected. It's a no brainer. So if you want to get way more shows and save money, go to expressvpn.com kill tony. Don't forget to use our links so that you can get three extra months.

That's expressvpn.com kill tony. Expressvpn.com kill Tony to learn more. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

How many of you watch every episode? Every fucking week. Well, you're in for a treat. This is a very, very, very special episode. We've done this before, but not with exactly these three human beings, because everything has changed.

Everything has evolved. I present to you a bucket bizarre episode where we will get many bucket pulls out more than normal, because your three guests tonight are the three regulars of kill Tony, here the entire episode. I present William Montgomery, Camp Patterson, and Casey Ross.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. The boys. Our sweet, sweet boys. William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, and the one and only Casey motherfucking rocket. Yippee.

Nobody knows the show better than these three gentlemen. William hall of Famer, record holder for most appearances on the show in the show's history. How are you doing tonight, my sweet William? Tony. I didn't know if we were allowed to touch the microphones.

Yeah, no, I'm doing good. I was in St. Louis this past weekend, and it took me 15 hours to get back yesterday, and I took an airplane. I didn't even drive. It was 15 hours.

You had layovers. Layover city yesterday. You took the cheapest flight you could find, didn't you? Yes, I did. Very thrifty man.

William is a little behind the scenes information for you.

15 hours worth of layovers, that's like a two and a half hour direct flight. But you wanted. How much did you pay for your ticket? I think I paid like $100 or something. So it was very cheap, but.

So you saved about $5 an hour from buying the direct flight. That's good. Worked out international superstar, saving about $75 in sacrifice of 10 hours. That's absolutely incredible. The great and powerful Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

The man, the myth, the legend. Always rocking a brand new white t shirt. Life is good, Cam. How you feeling? Good.

I'm happy to be back on the panel, man. I'm excited this year. Absolutely. Always fun. We always have fun together.

And his first time on panel, ladies and gentlemen. Crazy to see him sitting still. This is the one and only Casey rocket, everybody.

There he is. Live in the flesh. There he is. There he is. That's the guy.

I know, Casey. Very, very uncomfortable. It'll be fun.

It'll be okay. Right, Kim? Okay. Okay, we're good. I love it.

Sitting still is the equivalent to, like, a bad mushroom trip for Casey. We're gonna be okay, right? I can do this. It's okay. Okay.

We're gonna have fun tonight. You guys know how the show works. An entire giant bucket of comedians has signed up for tonight's festivities. I pre pull one of these names, and they go wrangle them from the bar across the street. And that's that.

The rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Oh, yeah. How could I forget? I've been doing this eleven and a half years.

Jesus Christ. They get 60 seconds, you know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

Getting tonight's show started. America's favorite uncle. You know him, you love him. Make some noise for David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen.

How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico. Hell, yeah. Today, my birthday, I just turned 43. And hell, yeah, I realized we get Generation Z, like a lot of shit, you know what I mean?

Cause y'all was raised, like, on the Internet and stuff. We ain't had the Internet growing up. You know who raised us? It was PBS. And we ain't had no business watching that shit, either.

Remember the magic school bus? Everybody on that bitch was on acid. That bitch met frizzle one number. The goddamn hippie, man. I bet that bitch had a bush on that beaver.

Bushy beaver bitch. She teach them kids nothing. I ain't seen no syllabus, no notebook, no nothing. All they doing is flying in and out of frogs assholes all damn day. Get your freak ass out of here, Miss Frills.

Then they gave us the gay agenda. Nothing against gay people, but we were too young to know about gay people at that age. Remember the first gay couple on PBS, Burt and Ernie? Them niggas was homosexuals. The real kind, too.

With the dick in the booty. You know what I mean? The real fucking kind. I remember one episode, they had Ernie on there, right? He got rubber ducky.

He just having a good old time. He go, burp, freak ass and bust in the bathroom. Hey, Ernie. Hey. Hey, how you doing here, big boy?

You got a lot of muscles on you, don't you? Yeah. Need a little help with that lower back. Then they cut the commercial all your heads. Yeah.

Yeah. You little twink bitch. Yeah. All right. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Apologizing to the streets of Sesame. David Jolly with a brand new minute and a half. To get it started. We sent the bear away.

We wanted to hear where you were going with this Burton Ernie gay joke. Absolutely fun. Incredible stuff. Thank you, David. How do you feel?

Shit, I feel good. It's really your birthday. It's your 43rd birthday right now. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah, my bad.

I forgot about it. Microphone. Yeah, you're on. You're on the show. Right about that part.

Someone's back on track again. You gotta love to see us. Get your ass out of here, man. You with that bullshit. Tony, you are the oldest looking 43 year old I've ever seen in my entire life.

Just to let you know. Hey, you only got six months, motherfucker. No, it's. You better get that botox. It's two months before I'm 40, not 43.

No, I'm just saying. But, you know, y'all white. Y'all white people's skin be horrible as hell. You got about three more. You look 75.

Shut the fuck up. Yes, you do. You look like David Jolly's grandfather. White lady. I look pretty good on her.

I bet y'all can fuck one of you white women out here. Oh, my God. Yeah, I might fuck one of. This is my birthday, too. Oh, I'm doing that shit with Martin Luther King.

Patterson, that shit. Malcolm X. You know what I mean? What? We should find one for him to fuck.

Nah, man. No, I don't need no help. He'll find his own. Yeah, I'll find his own. I might have to rent one.

Shit. Get real out here, bitch. It's my birthday.

Happy birthday. Okay, thank you, Red. Jesus Christ. The old demented birthday song. Where did you find that?

The creepiest soundboard, I bet. What is that? Happy birthday, special ed. Kids. There's some slow kids singing.

That motherfucker.

Them kids slow as hell with helmets on. How have you been? How have you been celebrating so far? Shit, I just got off a plane, you know, I'm just chilling, you know, we hanging out, man. We had the greatest comic club in the world, you know.

Chill. That's enough celebration. Enough, you know. Shit, we hanging out. Hell, yeah.

That's it. You know, the usual. Probably do some jokes in the little boy tonight. You know how I roll. I love the green shirt.

Were you playing at the masters? Nah. It's a nice shirt, ain't it? I got it from the nautical. You were playing the masters?

The face says you have a master. That was good. That was good. Oh, that was good. That was good.

Play face. That was good. All right, that's gonna be edited out first. He's laughing. It's his.

Yeah, it's a joke. It's a joke, man. It's a joke. Never called anybody slave face before, but I'm feeling a little comfortable tonight. It was good.

It was all right. That was a good one. I ain't have a comeback. Cause I'm high as hell. You know what I mean?

So that's why I don't have a comeback. I be like, fuck you, Tony. You know what I mean? I don't have no coming. I'm hiding a motherfucker.

You're doing just good. What are you high on? Marijuana. Okay, good. Yeah, I don't drink no more.

Right. Yeah. How did you replace your drinking? You were sweet with sweets. With a whole lot of sugar.

I'm pretty sure I got diabetes now. Yeah. I be eating like a fucking pint of ice cream a night. It just. I just get, like, the shakes.

Like, I be down there at sunset. I be in the green room with all kind of shit. Fucking chocolate all on my face. Well, yeah, red bands comedy club probably has a lot of sweets there. I'm guessing chocolates.

Yeah, yeah. And you're also, which is crazy cause you're made of chocolate. Is that correct? Yep, yep. Chocolate 99.

Hershey's dog chocolate. That's right. None of that white chocolate shit. I ain't racist. I'm just saying.

No offense, white people, you know. That shit sounded racist. You gotta watch yourself. I ain't trying to get counsel, you know? You guys all know David.

You guys like his set tonight? What do we think? Anything crazy. Anybody? I thought it was great.

Hey, thank you, man. Appreciate that, Casey. Yeah, yeah. Good to see you, brother. Yeah, yeah.

I did want to say we. A lot has happened since then, but you were talking about Miss Frizzles Bush. Yeah, that bitch got a bush, man. I'm telling you. She look like.

Her hygiene ain't really up to date. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's nasty. What is it? Cause she has red hair, David, what are you trying to say?

I mean, seriously, immediately I'm thinking Miss Frizzle has red hair. Is that what it is? No, I mean, it's just that dress she wear every fucking episode, you know what I mean? So it ain't no way she put no water on that goddamn Krabby Patty down there, you know what I mean? What's wrong with the same clothes, nigga?

Huh? What's wrong wearing the same clothes every day? Hey, I ain't got. Hey, man, you all right, man? I ain't got nothing to say about that.

I done seen you washing them pants, though, you know what I mean? I ain't never seen that bitch putting nothing in the washer. They just flying out of fucking frogs assholes all damn day, you know what I mean? Absolutely. Hey, you had some real racist shit to say right here.

It was a good one. You should have let it go, baby. Go ahead. What are you talking. What are you talking about?

How do you know what I'm having? I'm looking in your eyes, you're so high, you think you know what I'm gonna say. All right, I'm sorry, Tony. I apologize. My bad.

It's okay, Willie. Anything for David Jolly. I mean, if you want to see what her pubes look like, I could show you after the show. I get sticked by penis in between my legs and it looks like right in a girl's bust.

Sam. I love you, David. Way to get the show started with the bang. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. All right, here we go.

We've pre pulled a name and your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Remy S. Weiss or Remy swice even perhaps makes a noise for Remy. 60 seconds uninterrupted. For Remy swice mothership. What up?

Woo. Hell, yeah. Recently became a sugar daddy. Oh, it's not because I'm rich, it's because I'm pre diabetic and my nuts come out honey roasted.

Yeah. My name is Wilford Brimley and I got Giza Beetus. I got that hyperglycemon. Started dating a furry recently. Can you believe this chick?

Anybody guess what kind of animals you like to dress up as? Just guess. Great guess. No. Great guess.

No. Opossum. She want to dress up like a possum. Yeah. Sex is terrible.

Every time I want to bang, she just lays on the ground and plays dead till I leave her cunt. You believe that? Dang, yeah. Stop listening to women. Two weeks ago, I'm done.

Yeah, yeah. Everything they say could be argued as misinformation. Yeah, right. How come every time you put mist in front of something, it fucks it up completely? Misinformation, miscalculation.

Right now you can't say mister. Cause every time you do that, it makes things cooler. Like mister information, mister calculation. My name's Remy Sweiss. Appreciate it.

Okay. Remy swice. Right in the nick of time, I could hear the bear inhaling to roar there. Remy, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me.

You know who else plays dead? The audience during your set. Welcome to the show, you giant sperm. Look at you. Like that.

This is incredible. How long you been doing stand up, Remy? First time I did open mic was 2006. Okay. And then what happened?

Stopped. Until just now. Just recently? Yeah. Got back into it a couple years ago and decided to move down here and see what happens.

Okay. Where'd you move from? Oklahoma City. Thank you for asking. You're welcome for asking.

You're not gonna need to do that after every question I ask you. So you made the big move to do stand up. You moved to Austin for stand up comedy? Correct, sir. Okay.

I love it. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Well, I got a job at Tesla right now, but I was in the weed business for about five years before I came down here. Well, you just lost your job at Tesla.

What do you mean? Elon's cool. He's all about free speech. I know, I'm just kidding. I'm just joking.

But the weed thing was something else. What'd you do in the weed business? Mostly business to business sales. But I got to work in a laboratory and make a bunch of stuff. Okay.

Yep. Like edibles and weed pens and all kinds of stuff like that. Wow, a laboratory. Look at you. You went from breaking bad to making bad jokes.

Science bitch. Okay. All right, Remy. Very, very interesting stuff. What do you do for fun?

Tell us more about you. I like to drive, believe it or not. Yeah, driving. I love racing and stuff like that. So, you know anybody with some fast ass cars that need to be pushed to the limit, I'd be more than happy to like.

Yeah, I would totally love for you to drive my super fast car. There's nobody I would trust more than somebody who's making Wilford Brimley. References in 2024. Cam Patterson. Who is that?

Yeah, it's exactly. He literally hasn't done anything since you've been out of the womb. But he used to do diabetes commercials. And. What was he, like, the Quaker oatmeal guy or something, right?

Yeah, it was all about oatmeal. Matt Mewling, our senior oatmeal correspondent, knows all about oatmeal.

I am interested in you. What else? What are we missing here other than fast cars, Remy? What else? What's something that's kind of like maybe you.

It's like a guilty pleasure, you know? I'll leave that to your imagination. No. No, you won't. You're on the show.

You signed up. No, I like to stay busy. I like to make people laugh. And I like to drive a bunch. I like to travel.

I mean, learn languages. How about that? What kind of languages do you know? Well, I speak English, Arabic and Spanish. And I know how to say thank you in, like, twelve other languages.

Wow. Yeah. Hello. This and that. Yeah.

Oh, God. Isn't that fucking impressive? Only thank you, nigga. That's it. You don't need much.

Okay, maybe it is impressive. Fuck y'all. Okay, Casey, what do you think about this? Can you do it? Do it with the twelve ones?

Yeah, twelve. Okay.

Oh, no, no, no. Allow me, allow me. I gotta start. I gotta start. All right.

French is mercy, and Farsi is mercy as well. So there's two. And I'm gonna count them. Wow. Yeah.

Arabic. Arabic is Shukran. Right? German. Dankishane.

Right? Obregado. Is Portuguese. Gracias. Is Spanish.

Shishan is Chinese. Oregoto is Japanese. Can you say I'm bombing indifferently?

Learning it right now? Fun. Fun. How do normal comedy sets go for you? High energy.

I come out. If I have an option to go first, I like to go first. What ethnicity are you? I'm Middle Eastern by descent. Both my parents are from Jordan.

Wow. My goodness. And you, like, you're a high energy guy? 100% high energy Middle Easterner. That's incredible.

I'm more Benoki than anything. AC car bomb.

What do you do with the energy? I don't really see you being a high energy guy. Can you give us an example of what you do? Perhaps a crab walk or something like that?

Casey, you're our energy crab walk. Do it.

Y'all gonna make it me? Y'all gonna make a big deal about me stealing Casey's joke? Oh, it wasn't steal. Wait, but one time you said Giza beatties. That was cool.

Yeah, it means a lot for a minute. Yeah, that was hyper. Hyperglycemon. Who's saying that? Right?

That was funny. Wow, interesting stuff. What's your love life like?

Yeah, it's. I go, I'm very direct these days. And if you're not trying to start a family, I'm just like, yeah, I'm not trying to mess with you. What? Yeah, pretty much.

You just go right up to women. Like, can I come inside of you? Yeah. 100%. 100%.

They know I'm gonna. Girls know I'm gonna knock them up unvaccinated, by the way, just throwing that out there. Oh, wow. You look quadruple boosted. Yeah.

Hell, yeah. All them rhinos. Okay. Red band has pulled up twelve different ways to say you're bombing. Yeah.

Estoy fracasando. Look at the Mexicans cracking up over there. They're dying. Je suis and trend de farre. Une bida french.

That was pretty good. Oh, it's German. There you go. There you go. Stopascendo un fiasco.

Yeah, sure. I know those words. I bet you do. I bet you fucking do. Well, we're gonna show you some mercy and get you out of here nice and quickly with a tiny joke book.

Hey, look at that. You made it. Boom. Congratulations. Y'all have a good night.

Remy swice making his kill Tony debut, 2006. So what the fuck is that? That's fucking 17. Oh, my God. He started before me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's a year before me. Oh, my God. I'm gonna kill myself.

Hey, y'all. This podcast is indeed sponsored by game time. I absolutely love going to concerts and live events. I mean, I just bought a ticket the other day to go to the greatest roast of all time, the roast of Tom Brady. There's a lot of fun sitting in the audience, and, you know, buying tickets can sometimes be hard.

Game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier. Even if you don't buy tickets right away, prices on the game time app actually go down the closer it gets to start time, with killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, the lowest price guarantee. Game time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. Tony, I love the game time app and its unbelievable special features. Last minute tickets, flash deals, zone deals.

They have easy to find tickets for every kind of event in your area. You can get views from the seats and the venue before you go there. It's amazing. Game time gives you the lowest price guarantee, or they'll credit you 110% of the difference. Not to mention, your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry.

So take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with game time. Download the gametime app. Create an account. Use code. Kill tony for dollar 20 off your first purchase.

Again. Term supply. Create an account. Redeem code K I l l t o n Y for $20 off. Download game time today.

Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. Well, hello. What a beautiful day. I don't know about you, but I feel great. This podcast is sponsored by liquid death.

You've seen the cans before. To the naked eye, it may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. It is indeed a crisp, refreshing water. Perhaps you've noticed a co worker cracking a tall boy in your 09:00 a.m. meeting.

And you thought they were drinking a brewstie? No, they were drinking a liquid death. Liquid death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar sodas and low sugar iced teas. I bet you're wondering why a health beverage would be called liquid death. Here with my friend that looks like death.

Thanks, Tony. Well, Tony, that's because liquid death will brutally murder your thirst. The recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single use plastic bottles. Liquid death also donates a portion of profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution. So you're actually helping the planet.

Whoa. Amazing. My favorite flavor is rest in peach, and I drink it when I need a refreshing boost. Get free shipping of liquid deaths mountain water flavored sparkling and iced tea apex with Amazon prime. Or grab a can or a case at your local 711, target, Walmart, whole foods, or on Instacart.

Go to liquiddead.com Tony to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddead.com, tony. Liquiddead.com, tony. All right, your next comedian out of the bucket. You've seen how this can go.

It's not easy, folks. You just saw an 18 year veteran up here do his best minute, and now we're going to see the stylings of a Armstrong. Armstrong. A Armstrong. Oh, hell yeah.

You know, on kill Tony, when you sign up, you have to write your full name. So, like, nobody believed that my name was a. The first time I signed up was at the Heb arena. And I remember, like, she finally, like, checked my id and she went, holy shit, your name is a.

It's the difference between a chicken fried steak and a country fried steak. A chicken fried steak is, like breaded and a country fried steak is inbreaded.

There's this dude that walks around, like, congress in front of 711, and I swear, every day I see him and he only says four words. And it's like, hey, can I have a dollar? Right? So, like, I see this guy every day, and I started, like, making fun of him in front of my girlfriend. And, you know, she was like, we would laugh about it, but I felt bad about it.

One day I had some money, so I decided to go see the guy and, you know, like, felt bad about making fun of him. So I'd give him a dollar, and he said different words this time. He finally said, hey, you got $2?

Hey, Armstrong, welcome to the show. I'm excited about this. A, how are you up here? A, I see you're very easily distracted. A must be short for add.

You like that one? I love it. For those of you that haven't noticed, a literally has an a tattooed on his face. You want to turn towards the audience? Show him that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's the side that it's on. I'm a branding genius. Brand yourself.

I love it. Kill Danae. Yes, indeed. Casey Rocket. What does that shirt mean?

Oh, it's a local band in Austin. It's called Rickshaw Billy's burger patrol. But people got sick of saying it, so they made a shirt like this. Casey is immediately becoming one of my favorite panelists ever, by the way. What the fuck is that?

There's so much we have to get to Armstrong. Let's get through it. One of the parts of your set, you said that the guy only says four words, you proceeded to say six words after that. I'm high as shit. Oh, that's everybody's excuse tonight, except for Remy, swice was completely sober.

Everybody. Yeah, right? I love it. What are you high on today? Facebook?

Just weed. Just weed? I don't smoke weed. Yeah. What made you get a tattooed on your face?

I really had just gone through a divorce and I was a big little peep fan. And he said something. You were? Yes. Well, I am, I am.

He died, so he. How are you a big little Pete fan? You're a white guy, am I correct? I know, I love little people. You're just straight white.

You're a straight white male, am I correct? Yes. You're not Latino? No, I'm half mexican. Half Mexican.

Okay. That makes sense. That's why only half your face is tattooed.

I love it. You got your white side and your left side. Oh, my goodness. What in the world do you do for a living? I work at the goodwill as an intern for the corporate office.

You're an intern? I am at a goodwill, yeah. It's a dope job. Do you have to pay them for that job? I would.

It's easy. Wait a second. What? Did they pay you for that? Yeah.

Okay, I get paid. Have you been to prison before? No. No, no, no. I just believe in myself.

I thought we covered this. We went through this already, Tony, what does an intern at the goodwill office do exactly? I help people in the computer lab, so I help, like, homeless people find jobs and shit. Aw. Yeah.

Wow.

Hell, yeah. A fan favorite here. The debut of a Armstrong. That's amazing. How long have you lived in Austin?

Since October. So that. Miami, Florida. Oh, okay. It's all coming together now.

Yeah. Face tattoo? Knuckle tattoos. Yeah, I'm doing Miami. Huh.

What were you doing for work in Miami? I was a. I worked at a, like, for a company called Siemens. Don't laugh. It's a big company.

It's a big company. Anyway, I was, like, air conditioning tech. I went to school for, like, five years. You went to school for five years for what, two years? To figure out.

I hated doing h vac. And I like telling jokes. I love it. I love your energy. You seem such a nice guy.

What else do you do? What do you do for fun? I really just hang around comedy clubs. All the time? Yeah, all the time.

You getting a lot of spots? I'm not really, but I made my own show, so I wasn't getting booked, so I decided to start booking myself. That's the fucking way to do it, buddy. I call it the a list. It's next door.

I love it. It's Shakespeare's. Yeah. Very cool. That's amazing.

I love it. William. Wait, why do you call it the a list? I'm kidding. You have that fucking thing on your face.

I see. Why? Holy shit. It's short for addiction. Oh, I see.

You already took that for your own. I love it. He's half white, half Carlos Mancia.

Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Hey, what's your love life like? My girl had to go to Detroit to take care of her father. Cause he's dying.

So I'm only gonna be here for another month and I'm moving up there. No, no, no. She's white. Oh, okay. She's white.

Yeah. She's beautiful. Okay. All right. Nobody's.

Nobody said you were fucking dating a fucking monster or anything like that. How long have you been with her? Like six months. Okay. Yeah.

All right. And you've been giving her that fucking goodwill, huh? I'm making an impact. You're making her what? I'm making an impact.

Okay. Sorry I lost my voice last week. Hell, yeah. Okay. How'd you lose your voice?

Making fun of people in the back of the creek. Oh, shit. It was fun. I should have been there. I probably should have.

It gets wild back there sometimes. I know. I know. I love you. Rebecca.

Rebecca's great. The creek is great. We love everybody. Wow. Tell us, like, what's the craziest thing that's happened to you in your life?

You seem so interesting. You seem like you've really. Well, I was born in Japan, so I started out in an interesting way. Oh, do you know how to say thank you in Japanese? I thought you covered that with Remy.

I didn't know that one. No, he doesn't know how to say I'm bombing in Japanese. But he does know how to say they're bombing us in Japanese. Okay, so tell us. You just got that.

It was a super dope joke. Yes, absolutely. Indeed, it was. So, what were you saying? Interesting thing about.

Oh, all right, all right. So I was born in a air force base. Kadena Air Force base in Okinawa, Japan. And at the same time, there really wasn't many kids. So there was a monkey that was born, like, in a tree, right by my back fence.

And she had a baby. At the same time, my mom had a baby, and they let us play together. And that was my best friend. That was my best friend for a year and a half.

That's fucking go.

An instant legend. Playing your best friend was a monkey the first two years of your life. It's true. It's true. I believe it.

I really. I do a monkey impersonation. You want to see it? Yes.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

We're in the house tonight. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. One of those magical kill Tony moments. Can I get a golden ticket?

I think I determined. Whoa, whoa, whoa, there. And it all comes crashing down.

Red band, anything you want to say to this guy? No, no. Our air conditioning is fine at the sunset.

Damn. Wow. If you only came out wearing a wig. I got beautiful hair done this secret show. Oh, shit.

Look at that. I'm an old man and I still got nice hair. Yeah, you're like a turtle from entourage. I did meth. This is incredible.

What a stud. Hey, Armstrong, anything else we should know about you before I throw you this book? Man, I fucking love Austin. This is my city. I love.

Goddamn right. Anything else for Armstrong panel? We good? Casey, one thing you kind of glossed over. He said, I've never been to prison.

I just believe in myself, which is a great line. That's awesome. Yeah. How did I miss that? You are spot on.

What did you mean by that, exactly? I'd explain to you that I believe in myself. That's why I tattooed my name on my face. Oh, I love it. That's a branding idea.

I love that you have other tattoos. What do your hands say? Fuck. Fuck you. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Exclamation mark. God damn. I can't believe you have three words tattooed on your hands like that. I got a tattoo for free. It's Miss Piggy frying bacon, and it says, don't judge me.

You want to see it? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Wow. Casey, why is it so big? It's huge. It hurt like a motherfucker.

Oh, my God. Well, Armstrong, you know, you're a fucking real person. It's unbelievable the different shapes and sizes of people that we get in here. I like your fucking style. You seem like a genuinely cool guy.

It's amazing to think that you've come this far, being raised by monkeys and whatnot. I like that style. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations on a great kill Tony debut. That is the arrival of a Armstrong.

How about a hand for the band, huh? Keep it going for your next bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, Solomon. Here is Solomon Kraft.

I've been clean for two months now. Thanks. By clean, I mean I'm not using fluoride toothpaste. Yeah, I used to be a real degenerate. This one time, I was driving drunk across a bridge, and I thought it'd be funny to hit every single construction zone cone with my car.

The next day, I woke up in a panic. I was like, fuck. Then I thought it wasn't the booze that caused this reckless behavior. It's because I brushed my teeth with crest this morning. Another time, I was in Columbia on a three day coke bender, and these ladies wanted more money.

I refused, so they beat the shit out of me. The cops got involved. It wasn't very good. And it wasn't because I had grippling addiction problems. It was because I brushed my teeth with crest that morning.

That's why every time I'm having sex with a girl and she looks up at me and stops and says, did you just come inside me? I'm like, oh, shit, babe. Sorry. I brushed my teeth of fluoride this morning. Thanks.

That's my time. Okay. Solomon Kraft. Is it Kraft or krat? Kraft.

Like macaron cheese. Gotcha. Yep. Welcome to the show, Solomon. How long you been doing stand up?

Three weeks. Just moved here. Okay. You started here in Austin? Yes.

And where'd you move from? A fucking canoe in the Bahamas or something? Somewhat accurate. I've been on a month long or a year long motorcycle trip through South America, so I just got back here. Okay.

Yeah, that makes sense. You look like a guy that's been on a year long motorcycle trip through South America. Yeah. How's that been going for you? It was going pretty good.

Yeah. With some crazy shit that you saw. How many times did you get robbed? Actually, I got robbed zero times. But like I said, I did get beat up by some escorts in Columbia.

Yeah, some stuff like that. Like women. Women escorts. Escorts? Yeah.

Yeah. So how did that go down? Well, I was sober for a month, right? I've been going in and out of sobriety and I was like, let's do a month long sober in Medellin, Columbia, which is kind of hard. And then I broke sobriety and went on a three day coke bender.

And these escorts beat the shit out of me. Why did they decide to beat the shit up? Because they wanted more money. And I was like, I'm not gonna give you more money. You guys should leave.

And then they got aggressive. They wanted me to leave the apartment. And I knew if I left the apartment with them, I would have gotten robbed or killed. So I stayed in and they started hitting me. Yeah.

With their fists? Yeah. Yeah, with their fists. Oh, there. On the back side of your head.

On the head, yeah. Chest. Yeah. Wow. My goodness.

How big were they? Oh, they were much smaller than me. Not their thighs and ass. But was it everything else? What's that?

Was it hot at all? I was. Yeah, I was. I was panicking. I was panicking.

Like I said, the cops got involved, but only three days of a coke bender in Columbia. Only three days. You look like you've only been off a coke bender in Columbia for three days. It's accurate. It is absolutely incredible.

Do you play musical instruments with a face and head like that? No, I do nothing at all. Do you have any special skills or talents? Not in the musical nature, no. What other nature might you have talents in?

I don't know. I spent six years in the navy. I was in special warfare. Naval special warfare. So I drove the boats for the seals and stuff like that.

Wow. Where'd you drive the boats at? Stanis, Mississippi. So that's where all the river boats. So you were fighting wars in Mississippi?

Yeah. Amazing. Wow. Yep. My goodness.

What's the craziest thing that happened out there on the bayous of Mississippi? Nothing crazy on the bayou. But I did do two deployments, and I thought I was gonna go, like, Iraq or Afghanistan, but I went to Dominican Republic and Thailand, so I had 14 months of vacation time. It was pretty good. Yeah.

This is crazy because you're kind of fulfilling exactly the jokes that I made about you. When I first started talking to you. I said, canoe in fucking bahamas. And you were on a naval ship in Thailand. And we were on land.

So we bring the boats. We're on land the whole time. So we're with, like, the army green berets, the Tigrin berets. Okay, so in Thailand, any lady boy action, there's. Oh, yeah, yeah, tell us about that.

Let's get into that a little bit. Let's talk about it. I knew this would come up, so I didn't. I didn't do it. Did you bring a presentation of something?

Yeah. So, guy in the back, if you can bring out the presentation. No, so I didn't. A few of us did mess around with some lady boys in Thailand. I won't mention their names, but since I'm up here, when I was in Germany, I did mess around with a trans woman.

Yeah, let's talk about that. Yeah. So, again, cocaine was involved in alcohol. I went to a whorehouse in Munich, Germany, and I was with this nice, fine young lady from Italy or something, and then this trans transgender lady comes over, and she's like, can I come, too? And I was like, no, no, no.

And then I went back that she was transgender. Yeah. No, you could tell. But she looked very feminine. She was very beautiful.

How could. How could you tell if she looked very feminine and very beautiful? Just like the Adam's apple, you know, some of the jawline, like. But you were with a beautiful italian girl, you said, and you were leaving. The trans german girl says, can I go with you?

Yeah. She wanted to do a threesome. And at first I was like, no. But then I went in the room, snorted a couple lines of coke, and I was like, hey, let's get that girl back. Right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yes. Yeah. So that's not even a threesome. It's kind of a foursome.

It's kind of like having a chick. A chick and another dude. Yeah, and you. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot of parties.

Two sets of tits, two sets of dicks. It's a wild threesome. That's fucking. The math on that is insane. I lost count.

So. Yeah, absolutely. So you're sucking her cock, and then what happens? So I laid down some ground rules when she came back. Oh, yeah, of course.

Nothing better than lines of blow and ground rules. Sure. Listen up. No, I said. I was like, hey, listen.

I was like, you keep your clothes on. All right, let me just say this is the greatest disguise I've ever seen Uncle Lazer do in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible that we found Uncle Lazer's colombian cousin.

That's exactly what he would do. I don't know what you want me to say here, Tony, but we were having a good old time. It was a good old time. Relax. Okay, so keep going with the story.

I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but you're a little thunderball of entertainment here. So she came in. I was like, okay, listen, keep your clothes on. You can wait. This is one of your ground rules.

Keep your clothes on. Cause I didn't wanna be like, she takes it off and they're like, oh, no, you're actually a guy. And be turned off. So I was like, you got the real girl can take her clothes off, that stuff. And then you didn't let her even take her top off.

The womanly part. Did she have boobs? She did, yeah. She had fake boobs. I believe so.

Or, like, medically induced boobs of some kind. Yeah, something like that. But you told her, keep that top on? Yep. So.

And, yeah, she sucked me off. So. And then what? Hey, hey, come on.

This is unbelievable. It's like, okay, here's some ground rules. Keep your clothes on. Suck my dick. Let's go.

Your rules are absolutely incredible. This is like the XFL or something like that. It's like, what was wrong with the girl's mouth? You know, like, the female's mouth. Yeah.

What was up with the beautiful italian girl? She's just watching, like, Medico Vespucci now. I think we're, like, making out. Well, yeah, right? You're baking out.

You're, like, totally a woman. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not gay. Right?

Not gay at all. Nothing gay about that. Totally. Gotta keep everyone's clothes on.

Everyone knows that. If the clothes are on, it ain't gay.

William Montgomery, I am just so curious. Were you using crest at this time? Crest toothpaste. That's all I was thinking about.

Yeah. Was this all happening on the bed, or did you take her for a floor ride? Hello.

Hello. These are toothpaste jokes. Hell, yeah. You didn't see her butt at all. The old Colgate.

More toothpaste. Trans jokes. Not easy. Gotta write em now. Did not have these prepared.

Not easy at all. So do you end up seeing her tube negative on the transgender girl? No. So her clothes stayed on the whole time? They did, yeah.

And then you and the italian girl, did you guys have sex in front of the trans German? It's. It gets pretty blurry from the half, like, yeah, you got butt fuck, dude. You got butt fucked. Welcome to another episode of you got butt fuck.

There it is. There's Red Band's three fart sound effects for this episode. A very special blasting off for Solomon craft. Very very interesting. Now, Solomon, before we let you go, anything else crazy we should know about you?

I mean, I feel like there's probably a fucking plethora. Yeah, no, I mean, there's a ton of stories and stuff, but. Yeah, no, it's. I've been here for three weeks. I've been having great time.

Three weeks. Let me tell you, your minute was a little bit fucking lackluster. I'm sure the nerves got to you a bit. You've really loosened up since being here. Your interview was incredible.

Fun times. Here's a big joke book. You saved it with the interview. Thanks. Sign up again.

Sign up again. You know, normally, I would go to the bucket at this point. But since in a wild, wild, strange turn of events, the bucket of destiny has guided us in a direction where I do indeed, right now, get to introduce Solomon crafts, long lost country cousin here with a brand new minute. This is Uncle Lazer.

Y'all ever try to get the Jehovah Witness boys to do cocaine with y'all at the front door? You know the Jehovahs, right? They travel in tandem, they pull up to their yard, and they're huffy mountain bikes. The finest silks from the JC Penneys singing songs and praising their lord. Tom Cruise.

Yeah. And I'm like, listen, Ezekiel, okay? I don't give a fuck about the guy from Mission Impossible. Do you want to go polish off last night's eight ball with me? Ezekiel stepped up the challenge.

We stayed up all night in my garage til the sun came up, talking about, you know, the underground railroad. And that was actually underground the whole time, you know. Right that morning when he got on that bicycle and bid me a goodbye, he had the best bike ride of his life to the top of that damn hill. But colors were brighter, hair tasted sweeter. He must have got confident.

He must have let Jesus take the wheel. Cause on the way down through that hill, he blew past a stop sign and he got hit by a greyhound bus. The Lord works in mysterious ways. My name is Uncle Laser. Thank you, Uncle Lazer.

With a brand new minute. Uncle Lazer, how's it going? You know, fucking. Throwing fucking bad dick at even worse people. You know what I'm saying?

That's right. There he goes. Reach him for his in. What do you guys think? Casey, are you sad?

Are you sad? Good question. Are you sad? You do seem a little bit down. Listen, guys, I was in Chicago this past weekend, and after the show, I stumbled into a McDonald's and I saw a nice young lady sitting on her picture of grimace at the fall of Berlin.

What? And I sat down next to her, stroke up a little conversation with her. Next thing I know, she tells me she's got a couple rocks for sale. One thing leads to another, and we get to her house. She's one of them midwestern gals, big meat, potato kind of gal, right?

Rocks end up being crack. We made endless love all night. She kept going, don't stop, don't stop. And at one point, all I could say was, bitch, I ain't ever gonna stop. Wow.

And then as I came, I wasn't even with a woman. I was actually jerking off the Tony Enchulis vanity magazine cover. My lord. Wow. What a treat.

That was unbelievable. No, I'm doing great, Casey. He pre wrote a joke that hit all of us in his house. I wrote it in the green room. I was gonna do it up here, but I was like, ah.

I never ran it before. I was like, fuck it. There you go. Look at you out here taking chances. I'm actually gay.

We believe you. We believe you. You already knew that. There was a guy up here before you that was with a full set of fucking powerful hair and beard talking about fuck doing blow and fucking trans people, and it was like you. Yeah, well, I gave that shit up for lint.

Ever since I joined that. Ever since I joined that mormon community or Jehovah witnesses or whatever they are. You guys all know Uncle Laser. Cam, we locked in, man. You want to tell them about it or what?

Don't say it like that. That sounds about it. Hey, that. Fuck. That sounds insane.

You won't tell them about what we were talking about? I think we should talk about. It's fucking crazy, bro. Me and uncle lit did mushrooms a couple weeks ago. We got locked in the elevator for 15 minutes.

Oh, shit. Well, you need to tell them the proper way. Go ahead, Uncle Laza. Everybody's gonna think that I. Everybody knows how to take a 22nd story and make it four minutes.

Sorry for you, Uncle Lazer. Let's do it. Cam. Everybody's gonna think I gave Cam the mushrooms. He gave me the mushrooms as I'm driving, and he took less than me and gave me more.

And I take mushrooms in public all the time. It's fine. But these are drug. These were different. Yeah, were they not?

They fucked us up. I heard. I kind of heard about this. Yeah. We all have the same barber.

He was there. Yeah, he told me about that. You want to film it? I mean. Well, I mean, I got the very short version of the story.

My barber knows that I don't like to talk much while getting my hair good, man. That's my favorite. Look at my. So we're trimming balls in the green room with jelly room. Cam won't sit still.

And I'm like, dude, they're gonna know we're on this shit. He goes, when you milk, man? And I said, cam. He kept going, we need milk, man. We need milk.

And he's pacing, and then jelly roll walks in and he's like, what's up, fellas? And I'm like, I'm not gonna lie to you, man. We shouldn't be here. I said, we took too many cam's. Like, we need milk.

I said, we need to go home, Cam. That's all I think about. Nigga, give me milk right now, bro. All I need right now is milk. Is milk supposed to make the mushrooms chill out or something?

That's what I heard. But now it was a lie. Didn't happen. It didn't help at all. I was.

We took a bitch at 930. I think. I think we was on the business till about three, four in the morning. Oh, they fucked me up, though. We went to the cooler at sunset.

We was in the woods, in the green room. They kept sitting in the freezer. Yeah. You kept sitting in the freezer. I kept sitting in the freezer.

He's just sitting there. Oh, yelling, yelling at white women. Going, hey, ma'am. Just like, screaming. I'm like, stop.

There was white women just, you know, sending the waitress. I was collecting white women in the green. Yeah, he had the door open from the freezer. He just wanted to be in the freezer. Wow.

This is red band's establishment, everybody. For those of you wondering, wow, where can I get a delicious beverage from that place? I wonder what the cleanliness is like of that. The freezer. White women there, you know, so they're fine.

Quarter pocket. Oh, my God. So how does this end? What are you guys doing at four in the morning while coming down from a mushroom trip? You wanna tell him why you keep saying it like that?

It sound like. It sound fucking the same when you say it like that, man. Hey, Cam, I got some milk. You just gotta work for it a little bit. Close your eyes.

Suck it out of this tube.

Ooh. Your lips are still cold from the freezer. Goddamn. Holy shit. This is the cold.

Coldest. The fucking ass job.

Okay, so how does it end? How does the story end? I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. We're expecting a nephew.

Laser on the way. Hell, yeah. Well, laser, fun times. You got a new minute out. You've been wanting to do this for a while.

Here you go. You did it again. You're in the fucking in the universe. Thank you, laser. Of course.

Uncle Laser out there on tour. Catch him, uncle. Lasercomedy.com for tickets. Hey, y'all. This podcast is brought to you by Express VPN.

You know that little guy with a hat and glasses? When you open up incognito mode for a little late night research? That guy has seen some shit, am I right? Good thing he knows how to keep a secret. Oh, wait, he doesn't.

Even with Mister Incognito on duty, every single thing you've ever clicked on is fully visible to anyone who owns your wi fi. Who's that? Who, you ask? Oh, I don't know. Your work, your school's it department, your parents.

Sounds like you need expressvpn. ExpressVPN is an app that sends 100% of your traffic through their encrypted servers, so your taste in cinema cannot be seen by anyone. It's like super incognito mode that actually works. And speaking of cinema, ExpressVPN also unlocks a ton of new movies and tv shows, because you can choose where in the world you want to be. Plus, ExpressVPN works on all my devices.

I can use it on my phone, tv, computer, whatever. So I can watch whatever I want, everything from Netflix to Onlyfans, without the whole world knowing it. I love being able to watch anything anywhere while my information is being kept private. That's true. I can even use some expressvpn.

Great, great deals to get discounts. Some services cost less in other countries. For example, if you buy Netflix from Argentina, it costs a fraction of the price. At less than $7 a month, expressVPN pays for itself and so much more because we're traveling so much. I use expressvpn to make sure I'm staying current with all my shows, and I feel safer knowing that my data is protected.

It's a no brainer. So if you want to get way more shows and save money, go to expressvpn.com killtony. Don't forget to use our links so that you can get three extra months free. That's exp r dash vpn.com kill tony expressvpn.com kill tony to learn more. And back to the bucket we go.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, people? What a fucking. This goddamn sausage fest of a show we have here a glimpse of light. All right, back to the buckle.

We know this young man very, very goofy, goofy looking comedian that's been on the show a few times. Here is the long return of Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple.

That's right. Class, listen up. It's substitute teacher time. I used to be a substitute teacher, and now I'm a substitute comedian. I came here to do two things, tell jokes and explain Coulomb's law.

And I am all out of jokes.

Substitute teaching wasn't as difficult as I thought until I realized I could just give anyone a bathroom pass. I'd send half the class to the bathroom if it made my life easier. Assistant principal would come in, I'd be like, I don't know what happened. That's right. I have a voice like Michael Cera, Kermit the Frog and Jordan b.

Peterson had a baby.

Some untoward things would happen while I was subbing. Kids would tell me to suck their dick to my face. Is that really what you want, Carlos? With everything that's in the news? I know what I look like, and I fit the profile.

I look like I'm about to shoot up this school, but I will shoot ropes all over you. I know I'm a substitute, but I'm no sub. I will fuck you in the ass, you little twerp. Ol sped Sheeran's gonna play a little ditty on your prostate. All right, Derek dimple, is it?

Thank you, guys. Is it dimple or dimple? Yeah, dimple. Dimpfl oh, yeah. You have beautiful eyes.

That is unbelievable. Four consonants in a row. Me? Yeah, you've seen me many times. Yeah, I know.

You got these Tom cruise eyes. They just, like, blast a laser right through my face. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. Yes, Derek, thank you.

Obviously, you've had time to prepare since your last appearance on the show. You've been planning on telling me I have beautiful eyes? No, it just came out. Wow, look at that. Fresh off of nibbling on a little boy's ear at a snooker tournament in England this week.

Hey, no, I sent him away with a bathroom pass. I didn't say any of that shit. All right, Derek, you did really, really good according to the audience here tonight. I did. I didn't think it was that funny, but you did really good with the crowd.

I will say. I don't know how it translated to the Internet. I may be autistic, but I love eye contact. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, you've been working hard, huh?

How long you been doing stand up now. Three years now, almost to the day, right? Three years. And I remember you from way back, right? You've been at all the kill Tony locations.

Yeah, my first signup was kill Tony 500 over at the Paramount. Yeah. I was nine days into comedy at that time point. There you go. Look at you now, out here working beats on these people.

Have you felt like you've been getting better? Uh huh. Okay. There you go. All right.

Obviously, that's a trick you got up your sleeve there. A lot of, like, Kermit references. Kermit Miss Piggy Muppet references tonight. And then you get pulled out of the bucket. It's absolutely incredible.

Derek, what do you do for work? I'm a sperm donor. What? Oh, God. Our future is fucked.

Cam Patterson. That should be illegal. Yeah, a lot of surprise little ginger chatterboxes gonna be popping up around the world. You're not a ginger dude. Holy shit.

What the fuck? What do you call a white guy that tries to be a ginger? A piece of shit fucking idiot. You're not a ginger. Blonde hair or something, it's fine.

But just so you know, it's just. Everyone calls me a ginger because the beard, but a ginger. I know, like, a white guy that tries to be black is a. Oh, no. That one, brother.

Yeah. Yes. Yes, you do. It's. It's a ninja.

No, I think the term is neighbor. Oh, no, I don't call it a wigger. Right. Yes, but is there a word for. I'm asking you, William.

Is there a word for a white guy with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a winder? Uh, yes. Okay. All right.

A winder. Welcome to. Welcome to my improv course, ladies and gentlemen, Casey Rocket Cam. Did she say a ninja? Was that your guess?

I was confused. I know what he wanted me to say. I don't know. A ninja? It's a crazy guess.

I'm still blowing. Let you get sperm to people, bro. Yeah. How is that possible that you're qualified to do that? What is the testing regimen for a man to have to donate sperm?

Not rigorous, right? They're not concerned about you when you come in looking like you. No. I guess they're desperate for cum. Wow.

Wow. I walked into the office of the intake lady. She was, like, really good looking, but she had, like, filler work done. And I was thinking, like, oh, no, they want expensive jizz, but they took mine. So now let me ask talk the rest of the question.

Did they keep you posted on, like, hey, you've got like 15 kids out there now. Oh, well, I did tick the box that when they're 18, they can come say hi. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm rolling the dice. Oh, my God.

It might be the only way I can have kids. Shut the fuck up.

Do you have to. Do they pay extra for that or you just did that for free? No, I volunteered. You're talking about checking the box? Yeah.

Yeah. Like, why would you ever do that unless they paid extra? I mean, you got to lose, right? They can't come after you for money or anything like that or whatever. I kind of like myself.

I think I'm a likable person. And if they did, I mean, can you imagine 18 years from now some person coming up to you being like, hey, you're my dad. Can I have some money? And you're like, did your mom tell you how I was making money? Like, I jizzed in a cup for a living.

Just do what I did, son.

Wow. Unbelievable. He's like, I'm a substitute teacher. I'm also a substitute husband. I guess so.

I guess so. What do you do for fun, Derek, when you're not doing stand up? Well, lately I've been really enjoying some pitch and putt golf. Yeah, down at Butler. It really is unbelievable.

Another one of the fucking gems of this city. It is a super duper fucking putt. Putt on steroids here in Austin, Texas. Butler pitch and putt. Another fun thing to do during the day.

How often do you do that? About once a week. Maybe once every two weeks. I shot a 30 the other day. Parr is 27 on that course.

Wow. You shot a 30 into one of the semen cups? Yes. No, I shoot more than 30 into the semen cups. Wow.

Now when you do that, is there something that you look at? Is there. They let you watch porn. How does that go down? They just put you in a room.

Take us through the. Take us through the process here. Well, you walk through sitting a cooler on mushrooms. Yeah, right. Keep your balls.

Keep your balls on ice first. But, yeah, you go back into, like, a little medical examining room and there's, like, some cabinets. And they have. They have wipes for cleanup and they have lube for doing the thing and they have a drawer full of hustler magazines. But I just watch porn on my phone.

Right. That seems like that would be the move. Do they have good wifi? Yeah, but when I'm ambitious, I just use my imagination. Okay.

What do you think of when you use your imagination? Big tits. That's what you're into. I love big tits. You do?

You love big tits? Yeah. Do you, like, six nipples? Don't stare at me, you bastard. What the hell?

None of that. None of that. Did you just say Casey has six nipples? Like a rottweiler? What the hell?

Is this true? Casey? Look, man, this isn't about me. How big are your loads, man? This isn't about me.

That's a great question. Let's go back. How big are you? We're bragging about how big your loads are. Do you have exceptionally large loads?

Big enough to cover six nipples. Okay. Making callbacks. I imagine they're average sized. Okay.

I don't have hyperspermia or anything like that. Whoa. That's when you have, like, a really huge load. But it's actually not good for getting people pregnant because there's a little bit of semen and a bunch of cum stuff, and so it doesn't swim too well. I read a lot online.

How much do you get paid for that? 110 per pop. Are you serious? How many times can you do it a week? Oh, every two days you can.

Wow. So you go back every two days and shoot a load in a cup? It's how I make a list. Well, yeah, no, every two days. I should.

The other open micros know about this, guys. These guys are sweating bullets postmating for 8 hours a day to make $110. They're gonna. They're gonna all be like, what the fuck doing just in a cup? Holy shit.

I mean, if you're, like, driving by one, why not just go $110? $110 used to be what we would work a fucking bartending shift in Columbus, Ohio, for back in the day, fucking stocking shelves and wiping down bottles, and here you are, just wiping down bottle. This is absolutely fucking incredible. $110 a pop. Well, ever since I couldn't keep selling beer, I had to find an alternative income source.

Never mind. He sell beer in the alley. He was one of those. Oh, you were one of the back alley beer sellers. Back when we had everybody stand in the alley?

I had the. How much money were you making a week during doing that? $300 every night at kill Tony. Wow. $300, and you would go jerk off in a cup the day before that?

And then 300, and then you jerk off the next day. So we're already at fucking over $500 in three days. That's money. Yeah. It's unbelievable, Derek.

Yeah. You got to get it somehow. All right, well, very, very interesting stuff. Amazing that you found a way to survive like this.

You have a joke book already. Well, you gave me a medium joke book, but, no, I do not. Let's just say that you have a medium joke book. It was a small one, so it means no. You know what?

I'm gonna give you this keychain. We have a cool little kill Tony keychain. Cause again, I didn't think this set was fine. You killed with the audience. I don't know how to describe it.

People like energy. Thank you, guys. I think there's some people on mushrooms here tonight. We have a table that's laughing at everything here. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along.

Your next buck. You guys having fun out there? Your next bucket. Pull the bucket of destiny. Anything can happen.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt.

So I've always wanted to commit an obscure crime like mail fraud. Ironically, mail fraud's also what my dad calls trans people.

No, I was lucky enough to grow up with my dad and mom. Cause I grew up on a dairy farm. So my dad. No excuse to leave and get milk. No, I was very blessed.

I do have buddies who weren't so lucky, and they had step moms, and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. And, like, I never got that. Cause from the videos I've seen, they seem pretty cool.

For the longest time, I thought social worker was a politically correct way of saying prostitute.

So when I found out that my older sister was going to school to be a social worker, I was like, dad, are we okay with this? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, is grandma board? He's like, grandma actually suggested she thought she'd be great at it. Dirty old hag.

So for three years, I thought my older sister was going to school, be a whore. Turns out she's just working with them, so. Thank you. I'm Roman Schmidt. Wow.

Okay. The Kiltoni debut of Roman Schmidt. Yeah. Hello. How are you?

It's so nice to meet one of Derek's young children, Roman. How old are you? 22. 22 years old. You live here now?

I just moved here, like, five months ago. Five months ago from Wisconsin? Correct. Madison. Yeah, that's where I was doing stand up.

I'm from a small town called Colby, though. Yeah. You were doing stand up at. It's comedy on state. Yeah, one of the best comedy clubs in the country.

How long did you do it there? Two years. Moved here. Amazing. Amazing.

What do you do for work? I serve at a mini golf place and then valet every once in a while, but not too much. You serve at a mini golf place. Is it butler pitch and putt? No, it's.

It's crazy. There's, like, all these repetitive things tonight. Holy moly. It's a new thing. Okay.

Holy moly. Where's that at? Uh, it's right on, like, third street, but on the other side of 35, like, right behind that whole foods and target over there. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very close to here. Yeah. What's holy moly like? What's it like over there?

It's. Okay. Oh, okay. Quite the salesman. Yeah.

Unbelievable. They. They got, like. They're gonna love your ringing endorsement. Yeah.

I'm working one shift for the next two weeks, so I don't know if they really want me either. Okay. So. But I don't. It's.

They're trying to be a mini golf place with a bar, but it's more of a bar with super small mini golf, so. Right. It's still pretty much. Pretty much a hoot. Still.

It's still fun. You know, it's a real hoot.

Hoot and holler, if you ask me. All right. Absolutely. Absolutely. So what are 22 year olds that just moved Austin up to nowadays?

Tell us about what you think is fun when you're not working or doing stand up. I don't do much anything else. I pretty much work, and I go straight, and I do stand up all night. Mm hmm. That's pretty much.

I'm pretty much a. I play Mario Kart every once in a while, but. Okay. That's about it. What's your character?

What's your choice of. I'm a Yoshi Luigi guy. So real ones. Very agile. High speed.

Yeah, high speed. Very agile on the corners. I'm a wario guy. Okay. Yeah.

I come from behind and fucking get your ass. Just doof, doof, doof. I'm just red shell. Green, green, green. I'm toad.

Yeah. I would beat the shit out of you, dude. I'm a drifter, man. Wario. Yeah, you're drifting, all right?

Wario's a fucking. How about you guys? What are your Mario Karts? What are your. I'm guessing you're the donkey Kong of the cam's.

The cam's the. The only one that doesn't slip on the bananas. He gets a speed boost from them. This is a racist episode of Kill Tony. When I can do the jokes with my black friends, I do them.

Other black guys must watch this show and be like, I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. Meetup. He just say, slave face, get the fuck outta here. Slave face. Woodcutter was crazy.

Slave face was crazy. That is gonna. We're still gonna bleep. We're gonna beep this every time I say it, and then these assholes are gonna go online and be like, you said slave face. They were beeping.

Slave face. I use Yoshi. I use Yoshi. You're a Yoshi guy. Okay, Casey, there's this big.

I recently discovered this. There's this. There's this big worm in a top hat. It's real wiggler. The Wiggler.

Wiggler. So I thought it was just a nickname. The Wiggler, but it's his real name. That's his name. That's so cool to think like a new Mario Kart character.

It's this crazy new guy named the Wiggler. It's for switch. You guys wouldn't believe some of this stuff. Wow, he's a big ass worm. Yes.

Yeah, he's huge. And he has a top hat on. This sounds like you. This sounds like a Casey rocket bit. Not a bit.

He's this fat ass, big ass, top heavy worm. Wow. Oh, and he's the coolest. Tony, you gotta see this guy. Oh, my God.

I'm pretty sure he just performed here a minute ago.

And, William, what is your Mario Kart character? Big Waluigi fan. Ooh. I do like a little Waluigi. Andrew Schultz.

Schultz. I love it. And what was yours again? Yoshi or Luigi. Right.

Yoshi or Luigi. You're split on it. You're 50. Yeah. What makes you go with Luigi?

He's not Mario. I feel like he's a neglected one. You know, he's the best one. You think so, huh? I believe so.

I don't trust anyone who picks Mario, so I just like. You're a fuckhead. I don't know if anyone. Does anyone pick Mario out there? Oh, you do.

Look at this guy with a very sad face. Just. Yeah.

Wait, you do? Wow. Really? That is incredible. Have you ever won Matt muling?

We need to have a fucking Mario Kart tournament kill Tony. Mario Kart tournament livestream $80 $80 per ticket. Buy her Mario Kart kill Tony tournament tickets. Okay. What's your love life like?

Roman Schmidt? You seem like a straight up super virgin. No, I'm a bit of a dry spell right now, that's for sure. Yeah, you're just focused on stand up comedy. Yeah.

What does your dream girl look like? What does she look like? Better be black.

Yeah, right. Gia duddy. You know, look her up on instagram. That's what? Gia duddy.

What's her name? Gia duddy. Gia duddy. D u d d Y. Specific g I A.

How do you spell that space? D. You say it into the microphone, you creep as well. D U. D u d d y.

Dm is her. Now, is that just a normal girl? Let me see this. Let me see this shit. She looks like.

Like a normal, regular, fat. I like. I like the curly hair. That's what I. Or something.

No, she was on the draft, like, a year ago. What draft? Will Levis's girlfriend. I'm a. Oh.

Whose girlfriend? She tried to take his phone. No, no, no. This is. Will Levis is a white guy.

Oh, fuck. You're talking about CD Lamb. Yeah. She look good. Yeah, she's right.

I'm. I like curly hair. That's why I'm. You like curly hair? Yeah.

There you go. You could have just said that. I know, but you know, you duddy is gonna get sent this, right? I know. I.

After I said, I'm like, I'm an idiot. Literally. Literally, like, at least 400 people are gonna be like, Gia, you were brought up on kill Tony, and she's gonna be like, oh, my God, how can I make money off this?

Just a normal fucking. Yeah. Whose girlfriend was she again? Will leave. He's a quarterback of the Tennessee type Titans.

Oof. Yeah. Are they still together? No. Okay.

Yeah. Well, being a quarterback for the Tennessee Titans, he's got a fucking lot to work with over there already. Yeah, he's a handsome dude. He's pretty big. Okay, I'm gonna be honest.

You should see him. He's. He's a. He's a stud. You're, like, stalker, aren't you?

I'm a big sports guy. I love the draft, son. I just watch it all. You want her or him? Nigga, who the fuck you want, man?

I would prefer her. I would like to put that out. But you would snap him the ball if he wanted it.

Roman, what else? What are we missing here? Anything else crazy about your entire life's history or anything? The one and only time I ever shot a gun was inside my high school.

Okay, now we're talking. So tell us more. It was my senior year. I get called to our high school counselor, and I get in, there's, like, four other guys, and our counselor comes in, she's like, so we're going to do a school shooting, and you guys are going to be a part of it. And I, like, half jokingly go, can I be the shooter?

And she's like, we're not doing that. We're doing a fake basketball game. So we do that. Wait, that's the setup for what's going to happen. So we do the high school one.

I get pulled out of class later by the middle school counselor and he goes, I heard you wanted to be the school shooter. And I was like, shit. So I was honest. I was like, yeah. I said that.

And he goes, do you want to do that for the middle school drill? I was like, yeah.

So the next day I got pulled out of class again. I got dressed up and all the middle schoolers were in our, like, auditorium and they gave me a gun with blanks. And they told me, just aim at the ground, don't. And I was like, okay. And he told me to.

An actual gun with blanks? Yeah, I aimed at the ground. He shot one before I entered. And he goes, go in there. I blew my load way too fast.

It was bang, bang, bang, bang. And it was out. And all the kids started screaming. Yeah, yeah. Casey, rocket, did you say anything cool before you started shooting?

School's out for summer.

No. Now I wish I would have. That sounds so much better. You didn't say anything. You just walked in.

Just doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. Just right at the ground. It was the first time I ever had that kind of like powerful feeling, you know? I didn't know. I was like, this is crazy.

Oh, my goodness. They just gave the only time Alec Baldwin ever wishes he was you. That is how you shoot a gun with blanks in it at the floor. Absolutely insane that they would give you a real gun. This was in Wisconsin?

Yeah. That's like the second craziest school shooting drill we had. What was the first crazy. They didn't tell us we were having a school shooting drill. Oh, shit.

It's just Derek dimple jerking off in the auditorium. 110, 110, 110. All right. Can you imagine being the parents of the kids coming home and saying that there was a shooting tonight? Yeah.

Like that's. They didn't tell you. And they had somebody else with a gun in blanks. So they sent an email out five minutes before to all the teachers. But I was in lunch, I wouldn't have been told.

And a cop came in. He just had like a fluorescent shirt St. Shooter for that one. And he goes, what would you do? And we were like joking around, like, oh, we'd fight you.

And then he like, shot blanks are like, oh. So we ran out and like, I knew it as joke. So I was like, oh, that's funny. Scared us a little bit, but there's kids, like, jumping through, like, the lunch tray return table. Kids ran home.

It was. This school is insane. What school district is this? It was a Colby school district. Colby school district?

Yeah. We didn't. We had. That was my sophomore year, and then we didn't have one for my junior year because of it. I bet.

I fucking bet. This is the most insane shit I've ever heard of in my entire life. That is crazy. Did the news ever pick up on, like. Yeah, that one they did.

Yeah. Wow. That one, they were like, what happened? And they were like, shit went down. And that was about it.

Well, Roman, very interesting interview. Very, very fun set. You are. You're very, very good at this. Very promising.

Everybody's moving here. I don't know if you guys are noticing, but this is where all the people, they used to move to New York or LA, and now they're coming here to Austin, Texas. That's the debut of Roman Schmidt, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one.

Hey, pick your character. I'm a Wario and I'm a gonna win your next bucket pull. Goes by the name of Isaiah Picciardo. Isaiah Picardo.

So, a friend of mine, she recently lost her baby. It was horrible. She accidentally fell asleep on it. I can't even make a joke on that yet. I gotta let her breathe.

I was at a house party, and their dog was running around, and the homeowner, she was like, she bleeds a lot, and it gets bloodstains all over the carpet. I said, ah, I'm pretty experienced in that. I know what you can do. See, you kick that bitch in the back instead of the face. You won't bleed as much.

Just a tip, you know? It was crickets. They looked at me like I was crazy and I had to save myself. So I was like, that's why they're called bitches, right?

Sorry, that was awful.

Thank you. Thank you. Isaiah Picciardo or Picardo? Picardo. Picardo.

Yes. Absolutely. More like Ricardo. That was fucking crazy, bro. Sorry.

Ballsy move. How long you been doing standup? This is my fourth time. Fourth time ever. Okay.

That makes it great. I thought you were gonna say 2018. Six. That'd be crazy. I love it.

How old are you, Isaiah? 23. 23. 4th time ever. Takes a lot of balls to come up here in this situation like this.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Yeah. Where are you from? Indiana. Indiana?

And is that where you still live? Yes. Yeah? And what are you doing in Austin? You visiting or what's up?

To be honest, I was watching kill Tony last night, and I was like, I'm gonna go to that. You were watching last night? Last night, and you're like, I'm gonna go to that tomorrow in Austin? Yes. You were in Indiana last night watching YouTube, and you're like, I'm gonna go to that tomorrow.

Yep. And you bought a ticket last night and you flew here today? No, I drove. You drove from Indiana? I haven't slept.

Yeah, I just drove straight here.

That is wild. That is unprecedented. Amazing. And the fucking. So you could have just as easily have been over across the street at a dingy 6th street bar, fucking standing there doing nothing, and then you would have had to drive home to Indiana accomplishing nothing, and instead, here you are.

Yeah. I don't even know. Well, let's figure it out, Isaiah, you've only done stand up four times. Someone fell asleep on a baby. That's crazy.

She bleeds a lot. Kick it. Crazy bitches crazy. Yeah. So it's all crazy, what you're talking about here.

So let's figure out. What about you you should be talking about. Move that mic stand to the right side of you there. Oh, yeah. Throw it over there.

You feel that? You feel the difference? Yes.

You're mexican, right? Yes. Mexicans usually are used to performing behind walls. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that.

He's from Indiana, so he's whiter than all of us. Really? Literally. Incredible. You're wearing a grateful dead shirt.

Yes. You a hippie? You a little stoner, I guess? Yeah, a little bit. What do you do for work?

You work at a rent a center or something like that? No, I work at Walmart. DC, man. Just close. That's as close as it gets.

Yeah, that's as close as it gets. What do you do at the Walmart? Just throw boxes, man. Run a forklift. Right.

Unload trailers. That's about it. Just manual labor. Absolutely. What do you do for fun?

Comedy. And then I like to, you know, throw darts, shoot pool. You know, I just get into random things at random times and go all in like this, you know, comedy. I did stand up last march, and I was like, this is kind of fun. And then I, you know, now I'm here.

So now you are here. Yes. Now you are here. Cam, my favorite part about his set is when he said kipnated in the back of the head. Somebody just went, what?

Yeah, there was one guy in the back of the room that got a bigger laugh than everything that you said. But this is how it starts. I mean, it is not easy just starting out crazy. 23, 4th time on. On stage.

You were in Indiana last night? Last night, yeah. Incredible. How was the drive? Tell us about it.

It was awful. It was. It was not a good drive. How far did you make it before you were like, what the fuck am I doing? About halfway.

I was like, man, I shouldn't do this. And now that I'm here, I'm like, man, I shouldn't do this.

There you go. There's something in there. Thank you. When you like, lose yourself, you're pretty funny. How much money did you spend on a gas?

It was like $40 to fill it up the first time, and the second time it was like 40. So about 80, 80 some bucks. Not bad, I think. Not bad to go from the fucking top of the country to this bottom. Where's that?

Twelve, maybe three times I slept. You know, Williams, Williams. Thinking about driving from St. Louis right now. He's like, what the fuck was I thinking?

15 hours worth of flights for $100. You could have saved $20 and driven half the way twice as fast. Thanks for making me look bad, dumbass. Holy shit, I love it. Isaiah, you still live with your parents?

Yeah, I live with my parents. What do they do for. What do they do for work? He works at Toyota. He works at Toyota.

Yeah. How about she. Mom, what does she do? Just chills. I don't know.

You don't know what? Your mom, does she live with you? No. No. Okay.

How long has she not been in your life? She dipped out when I was like, 1213. Okay, where'd she dip out to? Do you know? I don't know.

I was like about three or four years later I saw her at a gas station in the same town I lived in, so she was probably around, but do you know anything about her? Does she do drugs or something? No, she's doing all right now. She's living with a sweet old lady in her basement and just, you know. How do you doing?

All right. I see her every now and then, but it's kind of like you just see her at the gas station? That's it? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you ever talk to her on the phone? Uh, no, not really. No? Why is that? Because I guess it's on me now to kind of go see her.

And I just kind of don't do it. You don't do it, cuz you're like, you left me at twelve. I mean, I see her every now and then, but it's kind of awkward. So it's just like. Why is it awkward?

It's just like, we're different people now that's long and gone. It's just like we're on a different. His material is all about hating women, too. Yeah, yeah. No, I was.

I was just getting to. That makes sense that you're going around kicking bitches. No, no. Any. Any psychiatry psychologist would say, this makes perfect sense.

I was afraid of that. And I had another. I had another bit that I had roundup where I was gonna be like, ah, Mexican Casey rocket. And I was like, thank God you didn't do that. Yeah, I know.

What were you gonna do after that? Let's see some more Mexican Casey rocket. Ah, I feel like a. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Mexican Casey rocket. I feel like a Percocet with a dick.

That's about all I got. Okay, good, good, good. Very good, very good. Another fun fact about psychology is that your opening joke is about a woman randomly falling asleep on her baby. What?

Do you. You don't see any connection between your mother abandoning you and the woman issues in your 60 seconds? No, no, no. Totally unrelated. No, I get that.

No, I get. I was afraid I was af. No, you're okay. You're okay. It's okay.

We're all products of crazy psychology. I always say there's so very few funny people that had both parents in their lives like, that had a normal life. You know, comedians are kind of traumatized, spontaneous. The type of people that would get in their fucking car from Indiana and drive here. These open mics in Indiana.

What types of things did you talk about on stage there the minute that you did tonight? No, I had the dog joke in one of them, but I have different bits. Like what? Do you remember any of them? Yeah, I could run.

They're not good, but let's give it a shot. I'm just curious. Maybe we can fix them. So we got any couples here tonight? Any what?

Couples. We got couples here. Absolutely. Tons of couples. So couples, you know, this is gonna sound bad, but women tend to send.

Tend to ask their significant other, hey, so would you love me if I was like a beetle? Would you love me if I was a cricket? Would you love me if I was, you know, some inanimate object? So fuck.

So there's a better way to ask your man that question. You ask your man. Would you still love me if I was a gay, big black man with a fat cock? See, like, if my girlfriend asked me that I love her to death. But if she asked me that, I'd be like, why are you going through my phone?

What? Thank you. Look at. Look out there. Look at those people.

Thank you. What the fuck? You don't know what works and what doesn't. No, I don't. You have no idea.

Hey, I got bad jokes. I could do one of those and, fuck, I could do one of my shitty jokes and fucking kill if you want me to. It's wild, man. There's something in there. There's a little fucking c to something in there.

Isaiah Picciardo, do you really have a girlfriend? Oh, well, no, she.

I do not. You're a funny guy. You're a funny guy. I'm going. I can only give you a little joke book, but, I mean, you know what?

You drove all the way here from Indiana. I'm gonna give you a big one. Fill this fucker up. Start writing. Thank you.

Thank you. Use your hatred towards your mother to fuel your wild success. Make some noise for Isaiah Picardo. It's a long drive to Indiana, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. How can you. Whoa. John Dee's in the fucking house, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit.

Who says black people show up late to work?

I love it. Well, let's blast through some of these bucketfuls. I was expecting to get through more, but God damn it, some of these interviews have been so entertaining that I kept people up here for a while. Let's fly through some of these. Make some noise.

Let's do a minute by Jacob Cantor. Out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen, Jacob Cantor.

So, I'm from Dallas, and I'm a tour guide downtown. I do the JFK tour, and part of the JFK tour, we let you meet this lady who was friends with Lee Harvey Oswald when she was a kid, and I swear to God, they just lit. Wheel her out like she's Hannibal Lecter. Everyone just shoots her with questions. But it means that I've met someone who's met Lee Harvey Oswalt, and now you've met me, so you're welcome.

Now, I'm really just an Uber driver with a history degree, so I like to drive past the Lee Plaza, and I, like, the CIA killed the president here. And just. They don't say anything. I just know I'm not getting the tip. And about that time, I'll start to go into, like, my RFK junior spiel.

Usually I get like, isn't he a conspiracy theorist? And I was like, you'd be a conspiracy theorist, too, if the CIA killed your dad and your uncle.

And he is in the political sphere. He is the closest thing that we have to Batman. I mean, really, if you think about it, fighting against the corruption of the establishment that shot his family. All right, thank you. I'm Jacob.

Exactly a minute from Jacob. Cancer. Jacob, welcome back. You were just on, correct? Yes, I was.

Yeah. Welcome back. Welcome back. Casey, what do you think about this young buck? I see Jacob everywhere.

Yeah, he was in Dallas yesterday. Wow. He was in Dallas yesterday. I came to see his show is fucking great at hyenas. And then now he's here and he's.

You just run into him random places like Isaiah and his mother.

I thought it was really funny. Yeah, it was great. Jacob, you always do good here. You already have a big joke book, right? You were just here.

What else? Well, since your last appearance, what's changed? What's going on? Nothing's really changed. I got on secret show, which was fucking badass.

How did that go for you? It was really good. I kind of, like, ran short on time by, like, 30 seconds and had a mini freak out. But everyone told me it was, like, funny because I, like, admitted I ran out of material and some people laughed. So adorable.

How long of a set did you do? I think I. Well, I was filming it from the back, so I didn't have the time on my phone, but I ran. I think I ran out of material at, like, like, nine minutes and 30 something seconds. Okay, that's good.

Well, why did you say that you ran out? Why didn't you just get off? Cause it was ten minutes. I don't know. I hadn't seen the light yet.

You didn't have to do ten minutes. Well. Oh, well, I was just going, and I hadn't. I'm not used to doing comedy in that big of room, so I didn't see the light in the back. It was exciting.

It was very exciting. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. Was it the most fun you've ever had on a stage in your life? Actually.

Well, the green room was really fun. Yeah. It's backstage, too. Yeah. Camscare hitting on you?

No, from the cooler. What? You're tripping on mushrooms, thinking he's a white bitch. I just spell it out for you. Hey, yo, white bitch.

I'm freezing in here. Help me in the cooler. Go suck my dick in this cooler real quick, white bitch. Poor Jacob. Why is Cam calling me a white bitch?

I love it, Jacob. What else? Is anything else going on? We're flying through bucket pools. We're going turbine.

No, I've just. I've just been going to comedy shows. I've recently started seeing someone that's going well. She's actually here tonight, too. Oh, wow.

Where's she at? She's in Dallas, too, so she's a comic, so it's been going well. She's here tonight? Yeah. She is.

Where? She's over at poor choices. Okay. Why don't you go tell her to come to a minute? Okay.

There goes Jacob Cantor, ladies. Yeah, we're gonna fly through it. Where's Colt? Colt's still wrangling people. Okay, well, let's get the fucking names up here, and then we'll do it.

Took a while. Should I leave right now or. Where'd you meet this girl? We're actually from the same hometown, but I met her through mutual friends. It was, like, a group from my hometown that eats in Dallas on Sundays, so she actually dated my brother's best friend when they were in high school.

And then. No, it's not weird or anything. We met. This is like ten years ago, so I'm. Okay, we'll go tell her that she's.

What's her name? Jacob. Her name's Jacob. You're also dating a girl named Jacob? It's incredible.

I love it. Did you meet her in Germany? Yeah. Okay. What's her name?

Sagan Butler. Sagan Butler. Yeah. Okay, go get her. Tell her that she's gonna go up.

Did you hear that, Cole? Sagan Butler. We're gonna fly through it. Another quick minute by Luke Newcomb. Here we go.

I promise. Bucket pulls. We're gonna get minutes out. Turbo bucket mode. Is that okay with you guys?

Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. A minute by Luke Nukem. Hell, yeah. Here he is. Give it up for kill Tony.

All right, just do the minute. Here he is. Luke Nukem, everybody. Give it up for the ladies. Yeah.

Women. Women are like wine. I can't afford it. It's not something I can keep around the house anytime I have one. I am being judged right quickly.

I finish. Just bottoms up. Now, women and wine, they have the same quality where as they age, they get older day by day. You would think they had already peaked, but they do somehow become even more expensive. That's when you're dating.

It's a little different when you're trafficking.

What? Women? Wine. They're in the cellar. Alert the authorities now.

Women are like wine. I don't know where to find a decent white.

That market is flooded with California trash, and it gives me a headache. All right, I've been Luke Newcomb. Thank you so much. There you go. Luke.

How long you been doing stand up? About a year. Okay. Where do you live? Austin.

Here in Austin? What do you do for work? I'm a server at the putt putt course. Hell, yeah. Okay.

All right. Most interesting thing about you, we're flying through bucket pools right now. It's an exact part of the show. Besides doing this, I'm a musician. And what music do you play?

What type of rock and roll? I saw. I write songs, play guitar. You don't sing? I do sing.

I sing the songs I write. What kind of. What kind of. What kind of songs? Rock and roll.

But I mean, like, do you cover anything? I don't do covers. Okay. Can you explain to them the chord progression and the speed real quick? I can do something like that.

Say it right into the microphone. Microphone. Just tell them it's a g chord with the 45. Oh, without me playing guitar as well? Absolutely.

Yeah. You're just gonna sing. Let's go. You're gonna sing real quick. You're gonna sing and we're gonna fly through it real quick.

So start telling them a minor, c, f. You look like you. With e. Seven. Absolutely.

You got that. You got that. What's the, what's the group? Give us the. Give him the groove.

Got me crazy I've been seeing them lately I've been seeing them daily, baby, they're coming here we go got me crazy I'm seeing lately I've seen them daily, babe they're coming here call me Tracy I've been lost in the lady temptation pouring from the devil's Brazil each one offender each one a saint everybody doing good? Good as you wait. All right, there he goes. Luke Newcomb. Little joke book.

On to the next one. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. We gotta get through it. Make some noise for Eddie Larsa. 60 seconds by Eddie Larsa.

I've accidentally been working in restaurants for the last 20 years.

I was watching a fat kid eat the other day and it made me realize that if I have a kid, I won't have a fat kid because he's either gonna overcome heavy adversity and build strong character or the little guy loses a foot. And we don't walk from the back of the parking lot anymore.

And it's cool. If some of you didn't like that joke. There is a certain type of person that normally doesn't. That's type two.

I also figured out how to stop school shootings. We have to segregate schools again.

What you do is you take all the lonely white kids with gun fascinations and you put them in their own schools. In these schools, all of the teachers will be known pedophiles.

Because at the end of the day, school shooters and pedophiles are the same. They both just want to unload on kids. I'm Eddie Larsa. Thank you. Amazing.

Eddie Larsa with a fantastic set. Great job. Eddie. How long you been doing stand up? Just over a year now.

Over a year? That's incredible. That was so good. Where are you based out of? I'm here in Austin now.

How long have you been here? Since October. A lot of people moved here in October. Incredible. Where'd you move from?

Florida. Okay, what part of Florida? I was in New Smyrna beach, right by Orlando. Ooh. Cam Patterson.

What's the. You ever been there before? You ever do any.

I was gonna say crime, not shows.

I've never did crimes in New Samaritan beach.

Just in case they looking for me. I never did cries a new suburb of beats. There you go. Case dismissed. No, it's true.

We don't have black people out there, so it's perfect. That's why we would do crimes there. But I've never did crimes. New Samaritan beats, ever. Eddie, what do you do for work?

I'm a bartender. Oh, that's right. You mentioned that. And what else is going on? What's the craziest thing about your life?

Craziest thing about my life? Through an extra fast portion of the show, I was given away by my parents three times in one year when I was 16. Giving away to who? Group home, foster parents. And the guy who eventually became the guy I called my dad.

Now, wow. What were you doing at 16 that made them do that? Or what were they doing? Vibing. Vibing.

Casey, Rocket, you're just too chill. He's too late back.

They couldn't handle that amount of cooling. They're like, this kid is just vibing. We gotta get him out of here. No, my mom, she needed to have a life, so we had to go so she could pursue her life. It was.

It was exciting. Wow. What was that life that she was trying to pursue? My mom was actually a professional jazz and blues singer in the DC area. Wow.

Yeah. So I made the sacrifice, you know? Come on. That makes sense. Being an entertainer runs in your.

Runs in your family. That's kind of a. Your set was well beyond what most people at a year are at. We're flying through this bucket right now, trying to set a record for bucket pull. So there he goes.

Eddie Larsa, ladies and gentlemen. Keep signing up. Eddie, we want to see another minute and do a longer interview. We got a woman out of the bucket. This young lady made her debut only recently and was absolutely hysterical.

Here she is again. This is the second set ever by Sheri Vasudji, ladies and gentlemen. Sheri Vasudji.

Thank you. I am originally from Iran. You may know it as Iran. Iran so fast. And I never look back.

Yeah, but don't be afraid of me. You know, there are no terrorist women. Can you imagine me going, stop it.

But also, women don't work in the Middle east. Yeah, I don't know if you've heard, there's been some downsizing, layoffs, furloughs, stoning. Yeah, let's not even talk about equal pay between the men and the dead women. That's a whole nother netflix special right there. Yeah.

So while we're on the subject of terrorism, how come there are no good looking terrorists out there? Where are my GQ terrorists at, huh? What, are they calling in sick on jihad days? And I haven't seen any gay terrorists either. I mean, that's pretty obvious.

Like, what are they going to do with 72 virgins up in heaven? Give them highlights or redecorate the hair? Persian women rock. Once you go persian, you're like, hey, nice rug. Sheri Visegi has done it again, her second ever appearance.

Red Band here told me that you did absolutely unbelievable at the secret show when you were put on it super recently. Thursday night or whatever. How's everything else going, Sherry? Great. Yeah.

Remind us again, how long have you been doing stand up? Since last May, the last round. But I used to do stand up years ago. Before you were born. Yeah, absolutely.

God, for some reason, it turns me on when you talk like that. It's incredible. You know me, you are kind of like a hot little desert cougar. It is kind of incredible. Like something about you a little fucking.

That's not hot. You're a little firecracker or shoe bomb or something. I'm not exactly sure. Boom. I love it.

I love it. Sherry, you were just on the show. You just killed again. We're flying through the bucket tonight. How about one more time for Sheri Vasudji, red band?

I would love to have you back on the secret show Thursday. Oh, shit, look at that. Back on the secret show. Once again, proof that anyone with a vagina gets booked on the secret show by Brian Redband. Welcome to show business, everybody.

If you're wondering how it works, the young Harvey Weinstein of Austin, Texas, hard at work over here.

Jesus Christ. All right. I made Jacob a promise that I'd put his girlfriend up. Make some noise for Sagan butler. 1 minute.

1 minute. Sagan Butler. So my love life pretty much consists of guys treating me like the old school Kodak cameras. Sure, they'll let me take all their shots, but then they forget about me, and nothing ever develops. Yeah.

In their defense, I do have something in common with those cameras. Yeah. If you wind me up and smack me just the right way, I, too, will flash.

It's gotten to the point where I'm like, you know what? Polygamy doesn't even sound that bad to me. You're meaning to tell me. I'm in a relationship with this man, and he's wildly outnumbered. There's nothing I've ever wanted to do more in my life than to stage a coup with my gal pals.

All right, fucking try me. At minimum, we're gonna unionize, and if we go on strike, old dude is fucked. Oh, you don't think domestic work is work? Then good luck keeping the 72 kids and the sourdough starter alive, then, bitch. I don't know where I'm at, but that's all I got for you.

57 seconds from Sagan Butler. I love it. Is that list natural? Have you always. It's the braces.

It's the braces. It's an adorable delivery you have. Thank you. I'm gonna minimize the 72s. It's incredible.

How long you been doing stand up? I start. I started in January. Wow. Yeah.

What's new? Are you here in Austin? I'm in Dallas. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So you live in Dallas. What do you do for work? I am a certified postpartum doula lactation educator, placenta encapsulator, and birth doula and postpartum educator. Jesus Christ.

Are you. Are you also an intern at a goodwill? What doesn't she do? Yeah, I'm also a waitress, so, you know. Wow.

Absolutely. That's where you make the real money, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

And you're dating Jacob. How's that been going? Fantastic, actually. I wrote that joke before I started seeing Jacob, by the way, so we'll see how it goes. Amazing.

Amazing. And you guys are out doing spots together, having fun? Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Everything's good.

What's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting? During this, the interview portion of only a couple million people will see it. Give us something good. I am a single mom of four. Are you fucking serious?

Yeah. I'm also a special needs parent. Oh, my goodness gracious. So your kids sound like you do.

I got. I got braces so that I can relate to my special needs kids. Fire trucks. Look, I sound just like you now, Billy. I just wanted to make him feel, you know, normal, so I took one for the team.

Single mother of four. How old are you? I'm 32. Wow. Okay.

You're like a reverse David Jolly. You seem younger. You seem younger than 32. Sunscreen. Sunscreen.

You know, glitter in the hair, nigga. The freckles, the glasses, the braces. It's just. I'm gonna. The glasses, the braces.

The sensation of September sincerities. You just love making s noises with those fucking braces. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So how many of the four kids are special needs?

The oldest two. The oldest two. And what are their special? I have a nonverbal, my oldest nonverbal autistic. He's ten.

And then I have a nine year old who's also on the spectrum. But he's. He's a freaking savant dude. Like, he's way too fucking smart. How is he, Savanti?

Well, he taught himself how to read before the age of two and that's how he became verbal. Holy shit. So, Cam, this kid beat you by 2040.

This two year old can spell better than your father? Yeah. This is unbelievable. Wow, that is so cool. So like, so it's.

How old is the one now? The one that read it too? The which one? That one. Oh, he's nine now.

He's nine? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he taught himself a lot of like, foreign Alphabet, so he knows the russian Alphabet, the greek Alphabet, the coptic outfit. I think he performed here.

He knows how to say thank you in twelve different languages. Yeah, something like that. Amazing. We are flying through the absolute end of this show. We gotta turn it and burn it.

Congratulations. A great set. Thank you. I am out of joke books. Have a good night.

I'm out of joke books, but here, take one of those just for shits and giggles. At least you leave with something. Back to Dallas. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your absolute final comedian of the night. We did it, by the way.

We got through fucking eleven bucket and two of our favorites, David Jolly and Uncle Lazer. Which leaves us with just one regular. You guys will never guess who it is. This man has been taking a hiatus in preparation for the forum, the rematch between him and Rick Diaz, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Watched him grow up from living in a van to being a wild sellout touring success.

Sing it, if you know the words. This is Hans Kip.

Thank you. Holy shit. That last girl, huh? I thought my English was bad.

P. Diddy is getting charged with sex trafficking, which apparently is a big deal. I just don't think that's the worst thing he did. Whenever someone gets charged with sex trafficking, it's like they're saying, hey, it's okay to molest people. Just don't take them sightseeing, okay?

If I'm getting molested, I better get a free trip to Disneyland. I don't want to get raped in a dungeon the whole time. Sucks having black hair. Cause when I find hair in my food, I don't know if it's mine or if I get to yell at the help again.

Tents are going up in the universities, which means it's time to invest in Raytheon.

Thank you. Fuck, yeah. That is Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Fantastic.

Hansie, how we feeling? I feel great, Tony. Thank you for having me back. I'd love to come back more anytime. We love you, Hans.

Literally, anytime you want, you can. Thank you, Tony. Cocaine's pretty expensive. Are you back on it? Are you back on the hard stuff, Hansi?

No. Hans. Did you just lie to me, Hans? Yes. Hans is also an autistic savant.

For those of you that don't know, one of his amazing traits is he cannot tell a lie. What have you been doing lately with the. With the cocaine, Hans? You've been doing some dirty 6th street blow?

Yeah, I mean, there's pretty good stuff here. This is a good street for cocaine. What do you do after you do cocaine? What exactly. What game on your phone do you play?

I've been playing a lot of settlers of catan on my phone. Colonist IO. Is that really what you do after doing cocaine? Yeah. I mean, I've been rearranging my house a little bit.

I recently went to Eeyore's birthday. Tell us about that. What do you mean? Eeyore's birthday is a nice little thing that they do here in Austin at Pease park. They just have a bunch of people gather together and run around, and it smells kind of bad.

It's like a music festival. It's like a. Yeah, but no music. Casey Rocket eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Is that what you're saying, Eeyore?

Yeah, it's like a thing here. And you do cocaine. And you went to Eeyore's birthday. That's awesome. That's so cool.

I think that's what Eeyore needed, is a little cocaine. Yeah, that's true. He was so sad. Hell, yeah. Wow.

I mean, this is incredible, Casey. You just found out about a festival where there's no music and people just running around. How excited are you right now? Fucking. My heart's thumping.

I'm excited. That's cool. Hell, yeah. That is incredible. What do you tend to do at Eeyore's birthday?

Is that what you said? Yes. Yeah, well, I was there to follow my ex, but happy birthday.

You're stalking your ex girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Again, he cannot lie, people. That's why I love.

It's just so funny, people. I can't imagine a better interview than you in the world. They've always been fantastic. So how's stalking your ex girlfriend going, Hans? It's great.

I. Does she ever notice you? Yeah, she said hi to me. I got invited in last night. Ooh.

I promised her I wouldn't talk about it, but we had sex. Oh, my God. That is the most Hans Kim thing of all time. You think you're probably gonna get in a little trouble now that you said that, huh? In three weeks, ladies and gentlemen, we gotta put a ribbon on it.

Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

How about one more time for the great William Montgomery? Visit his instagram. He's on tour. Go to his linktree to find dates. He's selling out all around the world off of his linktree.

Guess who else only has a link tree on instagram? It's campatterson. Selling out all around the world. These guys do not have websites. Caseyrocketcomedy.com dot.

He's also on tour. All three of these guys on tour, killing all around the country. It's a lot of fun. I mean, you guys have gotten to watch them grow in front of your very eyes. There's not a show like this in the world where you get to watch a new minute every single week.

And Ryan Je belts artisan. Yes. Which reminds me, the killers of kill Tony comedy tour is starting where they're all going out, different groups and different weekends and different times all around to giant, giant venues, massive theaters all around the country. The. Some of the regulars, some of the golden ticket winners, the great Jet ski Johnson.

A lot of. A lot of great. A lot of the greats that you love are on tour right now. Killers of kill tony.com. for tickets there, the drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in and it is indeed incredible.

How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? By the way, Matthew Mewling just dropped a brand new single, challenge day. Go check it out@matthewtm.org. matthewtm.org for the new song, challenge day from open 2.0. How about one more time for Carter Arrington on the guitar behind me, Matt Mewling, the great d madness, everybody.

Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Dejalo and Carlos Sosa are all on the world tour with Zach Brown. Our horn players are doing football stadiums every Saturday with Zach Brown. How about one more time for them? One of my favorite additions to our cast of all time, they fill this fucking. They fill rooms with unbelievable energy.

No Chris Rogers tonight. Red Band. Check out the Sunsetstrip Die sunsetscript atx.com secret show every Thursday. I love it. If you haven't yet, check out the live stream of the forum and the YouTube theater filmed on May 10 and May 12.

But a new level of production for us, we got the director of the UFC and we really, really up the fucking ante on this. We're trying to make it so that our pay per views are our big giant comedy events. But as far as the home field advantage here in Austin, we love you guys. That was so much fun. Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Sa

the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunset@stripatx.com for tickets.

Relax and indulge in the spectacular surroundings of the K clubs 550 acre estate in Kildare, just half an hour from Dublin. Our supper club experience, including b and b dinner in the Palmer restaurant and a bottle of the K club's exclusive vintage wine, is now available from just 295 euro per night until March 15. Book your next breakaway at the K Club, where it's always time to play. Visit Kclub ie.