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That's the only one he knows. There's no place to escape to.

This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Oh, God. Do you know that Jesus Christ died in the Crucifix with an erection?

I imagine.

Why not? I didn't know that. I didn't know that that was an actual inevitability of being on a crucifix. Did you know that?

So he died for our sins while committing one?

No, no, no, no, no.

Inerections or sins?

Well, unless it's going inside of a dude's butt. Oh, okay. If it's going inside Outside of the beautiful virgin Mary's between her boobies- His mother? Oh, yeah. Wait.

Mary Magdalene was his- The other one. Was his hot piece.

Yeah, that was his side piece. That was his wife if he was real. Yeah. He put kids in her. Two red heads.

Yeah, That's what they're saying. You know that? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Gingers. It came from Jesus Christ himself. Really? But according to scholars-So you think that you're part Christ? Every day, I wake up and I thank me for me. I thank me for being around, being great, and the gifts I bring.

So the last thing Christ did was come?

Apparently, this is real. There are actual scholars that have entire schools of thought about the depiction of Jesus Christ. And there has been many legit depictions of Jesus Christ on the crucifix with a full-on Ragen nine-incher.

Talk about a coming to Jesus moment.

Come on, welcome to Side Stories. My name's Henry Zbrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.

I am hard as Hard as Christ.

Hard as Christ out here. They say a lot. It's very interesting. I was reading the story. We'll start before we get in. This is a cold open, so I'll start with this.

So Baramos or Baramis, he had a heart on, too?

The other guy, right?

He wanted the two-Yeah, but no one cared about it.

No one cared about his wieners. Nobody cared about the other two guys. They didn't care about it. No one checked their wieners? No, because apparently, that's how you find out if they were actually dead on the crucifix, you have to go up and go, like it's a diving board.

No, that's how I found out my dad was passed.

Hard as a corpse. I love seeing them hard as Christ. That's how you know they're safely in heaven. But no, these guys are- How else do you think he moved that boulder? Bung, bung, bung. But it's apparently completely true. This guy, I'll just jump into this because that's my favorite story of the week, but then we'll cover, we'll go back and do updates. This guy, this fucking horny priest who honestly love him to death, Father Thomas McHale.

That Christ was hard when he died.

Hey, welcome to this sermon. As a matter of fact, many depictions of Christ on the cross are incorrect because they don't include the Humdinger. But yeah, this guy's a fucking creepus. I love him. He's an American assigned to... This is in the UK, so I like it. We brought chaos to England. I'm glad we did. He was assigned to this called Our Blessed Lady Immaculate in Black Hill. He was there for a decade. Apparently, they're fine with it. But he said that he basically gave this whole long speech in his sermon about how Jesus Christ definitely would have died with an ere. The church was shocked. Everyone was like, what in the living fuck that you're talking about it? And he then doubles down. He's like, No, you don't understand. When you asphyxiate to death, you have an erection, and then you piss, and then you shit, and then And then you come, and they're all like-In that order? When do I die? When's my turn? Sounds fun.

Oh, man, we should change the name of erections from Boner's to Inries.

Nailed right in. Yeah. Can't get out. He can't get out even if he wanted to.

Hard as the cross, I was nailed on.

Yeah, bring Mary closer. Bring her closer. I'm stuck here. You got to bring her to the dog. But no, this is apparently a cause. The blood does rush down to your body. The way you die on a crucifix is bad, right?

Yeah, because it goes down to your feet.

A lot of times you're nailed, right? Jesus was specifically nailed. Most times you're crucified- The other guys are tied. They're tied. Most of the time if you're crucified, you are tied.

But you do- I'm pretty sure Paul or Peter, the apostle, was crucified upside down.

Upside down, yeah, which is fucking mad. It's very Pantera of the Italians. When Jesus died, apparently the way you die on a cross is that you asphyxiate if your arms are above your lungs like this. The only way to do is you have to raise yourself above this lateral position where you can breathe again. This makes it very, very difficult to breathe. Never mind the blood loss that comes from being, most of the time being stabbed a bunch on the sides, you seep out. But then also as you die, which is why they say there's an apocryphal term about how when they pierced Jesus' side, blood and water came out. But there are some theologians that point to the fact that that is actually a accurate description of the fluids that come out of a stagnating corpse. Okay. Like, literally some blood, like the blood isn't coagulated, but there's blood and plasma coming out of him in one go. There's a clear liquid and a red liquid. Obviously, I'm incorrect. Side stories, lpotl@gmail. Com. Tell me why I'm wrong. But apparently, also, you're up there, the blood swells all the way down. I don't know if you're like this.

When I get sleepy, sometimes I get horny. Okay, yeah. Apparently, that's the idea is that if you choke, where you're masturbating, it's supposed to be great.

Yeah, I never done it.

People love it.

Yeah. A little scared. I'm already masturbating in fear half the time anyway. Oh, of course.

It's just from our wives. They're trying to keep it safe and secret from our families. But apparently, it rushes down. So I get sleepy, and sometimes I go, Oh, no. It's bad in a plane. Yeah. Nothing's like waking up.

With a boner in a plane.

Dead asleep from a plane. I'm just hard as hell.

You get serious trouble. That's happened to me. You can get real trouble for a boner on a plane. That's where you put blanket- Especially you sit next to a lady.

Oh, yeah. Blanket on the thing. But honestly, sometimes if it's just some cryptic old man, too, because he's like, I remember a The last one I got was in the quick golf war. You remember the quick one?

You don't know what bothers me about the Jesus thing, except for the fact that it probably wasn't real. They say he died for three days and he came back to life. So if he dies on Friday and he sleeps on Saturday and he wakes up on Sunday, that's two days.

Yeah, dude. No, I know. That's two days. It's three days in hotel terms. They're acting as if when he went into the crypt, it was like he was staying at a Marriott because you would need to pay for the night. That night would count. But no, technically, he doesn't.

That always bothered me because he probably died late on Friday. That was a late check-in.

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. He might have checked in after midnight. He might have died on Saturday, for all we know. Technically, that's a two-day turnaround. It's an allegorical. It's allegorical. It's about the sun cycles.

Yeah, and it's not like they fucking crucified him in the morning. He had to walk all the way up the fucking hill, carrying the cross. That shit takes forever. They're whipping him and whipping him. They're fucking showing his face and stuff.

Fucking awesome, dude. Him going like, You can't kill me.

You remember Shaft? Yeah. With Samuel Jackson? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can't kill me. He starts stabbing himself and shit. Yeah, I love that guy. I love that guy.

Jesus should have done that.

He was the Jesus.

No. The Jesus from Big La Bausky. That's Big Labausky.

That's Big Labausky.

But same character. But it is insane that I love that this came from Jeffrey Wright.

That was Jeffrey Wright.

Yes, who's a great actor. I still have to see American fiction. It's supposed to be great. It's pretty good. But according to premierchristianity. Com, which I do love that it's included, because there's a lot of guys that are hardliners on this, talking about how it's a key to understanding the plight of Jesus Christ, because Jesus Christ was not only murdered, murdered, murdered, murdered, but he also was- Died with blue balls. No, opposite. Died with empty balls, which is considered a public amuliation.

Do you think you come after you die or you come before?

According to this- So then he didn't.

So he died with blue balls then?

I don't know. I think if you come, the blue balls are gone no matter when it was. It's out. No, but you're dead. But you didn't die of the blue balls. No, certainly not. No, but I didn't know. I didn't really know this. I was surprised as many at how many die accidentally through suffocation as a means of sexual gratification. This is according to premierchristianity. Com. It happens. This strange physiological...

What happened to you? Did you die of a suffocation? Henry is currently choking himself.

Sorry, I have a hard I'm about to die. This strange physiological reaction was the final shame of a crucified man, erection and ejaculation due to the slow suffocation, which is, I mean, I don't know how many of our people out there are electively in a fun way, crucifying themselves. If they are, show us your rig, because I'd love to know how you're doing it and getting off of it. If you have a crucifix for sexual purposes at home, I want to get to know you.

I imagine it's probably leaned up against the fridge.

I mean, I don't know how a lot of people... If you got a one bedroom apartment, where does it go?

Yeah, you'd have to lean it up.

Under the futon. I would put the crucifix under the futon, and then you take it out when it's time for sexy times. Someone could be the Pontius, and you get to be Baby Jesus Christ.

Oh, man. I wonder what my neighbors would say if I put a crucifix in my backyard.

They'd be like, You just go soon. Every time you go soon.

Don't worry, it's for me.

Yeah, I like this. It's free.

It's got a threat.

It's for me. My wife is going to watch me slowly suffocate, and then I'm going to come in my dolphin shorts.

We'll let you know so you know to shut the blinds.

Oh, sorry. I told you on Eastern time. Sorry, I didn't see my writhing, shit-filled corpse. No, yeah, because that's the thing is that you do pee and you do poop. So Jesus, which I do believe, if he was truly God made man, he also would have defecated and pissed.

But wasn't he more than man?

No. That was the whole idea. That's why he could be killed.

But he did miracles.

He walked on water. He was the power of God. He could do not. He could harness the power of God. He was not directly magical. I don't know. Actually, I might be wrong on that.

I think he's a lizard, for sure.

I know he's a lizard. Yes, he's a dirty The Desert Wizard, full of bugs, love-sucking dick. I think he's pansexual if he was real. You know he fucking reed. Oh, buddy. Can you imagine him? Not just his own personal smell, but the smell of the laps and the butts of all of the disciples.

Yeah, he's just hanging out with lepers all the goddamn day.

Just smashed all over him, just like his dirty ass feet and his weird gross hair. Yeah, gross stuff. All he does is hand out fish. All day, and where is he keeping it? Yeah, it's a trick, but it's mostly just because he's got it. Jesus has been boofing. Well, that's a fun story. I just didn't know how hard that guys went in on this. It's a whole school of thought. How about the pictorial of Jesus with an erection on the crucifix? I just fucking love my job and the fact that I come to work every day and I learn new things. Yeah.

Do you know, I got to tell you about this. Penn and Teller. Penn, he told me that Robin Williams, that's how he died. He killed himself by accident when he was autoerotic officiating. I'm like, I just met you. Why are you telling me this?

A lot of theories out there.

At first, I was like, Should I even tell this story? But he told me a stranger.

Yes. But that's not true, I don't think. I don't think it's true. I don't think it's true. He was killed by the CIA.

No, Robin Williams, he committed suicide when he hung himself from a door knob. You never know how short these actors are in real life.

Honestly, it's a movie magic. Do you know that Ian Mckelin is not 9 feet tall. I didn't. It's crazy. It is sad what happened to Robin Williams. Honestly, it's probably one of the most sad things ever.

Yeah, no, a top three.

Yeah. For sure. When you know a clown, the clown that He entertained everyone, literally all walks of life across all languages. The one thing that the world could agree on, we love Robin Williams, and that guy was so sad, he had to off himself. It gets in here. I think about it once a week.

They wish for the Genie's freedom, but they should have wished for him to not have Parkinson's.

More specific about the freedom. They should have been super, super specific.

He was super specific. He was super specific, but stuck in a prison that was his own mind.

Honestly, I'm extremely sad. I He's extremely sad. It's very sad. Stop showing pictures, Rob, of smiling Robin Williams.

I can't still be smiling or crying in that picture.

He's just showing all of these just smiling Robin Williams pictures. We know.

He really was one of my heroes. Yes, he really was. I make horrible jokes, but he really is one of the greatest of all time.

You're right, Eddie. That's not a controversial statement. It's Robin Williams, probably one of the most beloved people of all time. It's never the bad ones. It's always the good ones.

Bad people die. People just say it's always the good ones when good ones die.

Yeah, I know. But bad ones die. But bad ones, instead of being bad ones. Robert Dersh just died. Yeah, but he died in like 90.

Yeah, he got a good- He lived a hole.

He died the second he got into jail. He did not get to experience a single bit of his punishment. Yeah, I guess he didn't get a penny-bath. Nothing. He was free. Then he did his favorite thing. Testifying in court was his favorite thing he ever got to do. He got to live his dream and be finally caught.

That's all he wanted. Yeah, he got to kill kill his wife, and no one ever called him. He did everything.

All of it. He got entirely away with it, essentially.

Yeah. Well, only the good die on.

All right, then I'm going to go into updates. I'm going to do some updates.

Updates, and then I got some other terrible news. Great.

So this story we are going to cover in detail, probably on last podcast on the left. We're waiting for the proper sources because that's what we like. You know what I mean? We want something thick that we base our story on and we can add to. Yeah, it's too new now. It's too new. But Rex Huhermann, the suspect in the Gilgo Beach killings, also known as Lisk, the Long Island serial killer. So on July 13, 2023, Rex Huhermann, who's an architect- It's a little under a year.

A little under a year.

He made a lot of money as an architect. He was actually featured in some news. Features talking about Manhattan architecture. One thing about Rex Huhermann, all face. Yeah. He's got the biggest amount of face. Sixty-pound head. That is a big old mean much.

Two basketballs getting mad at each other, just bouncing off each other's big old head.

One thing that is truly remarkable is the fact that he was in the middle of an entire neighborhood of police officers that he operated in and out of anonymously for years. Now we're starting to see that as the evidence is coming forward, there is a lot more.

More people are starting to get... They're like, this person was killed by him.

A lot of shit is getting attached to him. He was already... He is accused of four murders of sex workers that he would get in contact with. He would murder them in various different emos. But his obvious favorite thing was dismemberment. He definitely was a process killer. He would bury them along the beach in Long Island. Now this guy, he is now being accused of two more murders that are coming out of this gigantic info sweep that came out of his home. He had over 350 electronic devices in his home. Laptops, iPhone, iPads, all the styles, like smartphones, pads, fucking monitor, what's it? The full on desktop computers, all of this crazy shit. But he had had this deep, deep, deep personal fantasy life, where inside of these computers, they found countless torture, porn, extreme, extreme BDSM. Did he have a family? I I believe he did have a wife and kids. Yes, he was married to Assa Ellarup, and they've been married. They were married for 27 years on nines. Oh, wow. I don't think they're going to be together for very much longer.

She's not convicted yet, though, right?

No, he is still accused. He is still innocent until proven guilty, but it ain't looking good. The main thing that they found on the computer, what they're calling a planning document. Now, this is one of those things that I don't understand why killers do this. He wrote a document where he put a bunch of things that are extremely suspicious. They found it deleted, but then they re-instored it. Nothing's ever deleted. On your laptop, nothing Everything's ever deleted. They can pull it all off. On this document, it said it had four columns. One said problems, one said supplies, one said DS, that they believe means drop site, and one says TRG, which they believe means target. Now, on the problems, you see a list of what are extremely suspicious group of situations that he is like, if you're not murdering people and you're not developing a new clue-based board game, this is extremely suspicious to have on your laptop, especially after you've been accused of multiple, multiple murders. So according to here, his problems were DNA, tire marks, blood stains, fingerprints, monoplastic bags, cat litter, witness. Cat litter? He said because he had cats. Trace source of supplies, foot, shoe prints, photos, misleaders, police stop, truck stuck, fingerprints in gloves, plastic bags matched to box, hair, and fiber.

Those are things that he knows that they're going to look for. What's actually one of the number one things that they got on him right now, which is fibers from his head that were found in the corpse. Then there's supplies. He said, Booties, lie/acid. Very suspicious. Yes. Police scanner, rope, cord, saw, cutting tools, hair nets, photo film, burn can, foam drain cleaner, body wash and wipes, tarps, medical gloves, bags, tape, large electric clips, ratchet cargo strap.

This is starting to sound suspicious.

Yeah, I know. It just sounds like... I love the idea of going into Home Depot. You ever do that where you're shopping in one of those places I like to throw something in that looks super suspicious. Yeah. While I go, it'd be fun to do. I've always like the idea of buying a plunger, a big bunch of like, like, vegetarian lube. Oh, yeah. Like peanut butter, marshmallows. That'd be fun.

Yeah, I know. We always have to do that. We were in murder fist. You just go buy K-Rocera, food dye, condoms, all that fun stuff.

Oh, yes. And now, according to the drop sites, he's labeling where they found chunks of the bodies, essentially. Then the targets, they believe that T1, Megan, is one of the victims that they have already attached to him. Now, this is extremely damning. We have no idea where... Obviously, he's got a defense. They are going to... We're not in the trial yet, so I don't normally cover these types of things until we get to the trial, but this is just such insane evidence. And the-He looks like a leather face if they glued the leather on his face. He is a very, very scary man. And you can just see him huffing and puffing and being the world's worst John ever. But it's also very different than a lot of serial killers in general because he is successful. He's got a career. A lot of times you don't see that. A lot of times, they'll have a wife or they'll have kids. They'll have something that is a pinion to normal life, but not something like this. He was very well-established as a Manhattanite. A lot of people knew him. They made a lot of connections, and now everybody's cutting them loose.

Wow. Oh, yeah. I mean, you have to. I hate that high haircut, too.

Well, yeah, I don't... That's a wig.

You think it's a wig?

Can you wear your two bag in a prison?

I don't know.

Talk about the final embarrassment.

I don't think it's a wig. I don't think it's a wig.

Yeah, no. He's got You know what it is?

He's so worried about his hair fibers.

He looks like Kingpin in a wig. Yeah, he does. He looks like a supervillain, or like he's pretending to be a little boy. If you gave him a big hat, like a big yellow, Dutch hat and a big lollypop, he would look like a weird Lord Fonteroy mixed with Tom Seymour.

He's truly terrifying.

Yeah, I don't like him.

He is a scary, scary. If I just saw him without hearing or knowing of these crimes, I'd be like, that guy, he's smashed someone's head in.

He's a bad boss, dude. Yeah. He's a bad boss, but he is the wheels of justice all moving swiftly. And he did have three children, and They do, unfortunately. I am looking at his children, and they, unfortunately, they all got big face. Unfortunately, they all have big face disease, but that's not their problem.

It's not their fault.

It's not their fault. No, but they might have- But it is their responsibility. Yes, thank you. And they might need to get some minimizing tape for their heads, which is an incredible new thing that I've been using for years. Fucking hack killers. Make your head smaller using tape. It's much easier to do. Pull it back.

I mean, you got a tiny head, too. It's really working.

How do you think it got here? Yeah. All right. Do you think this You think the head this tiny is made by my mama? No, she had a big old pussy. Yeah. Plenty of room for my head to grow in. Exactly. As I know, as far as according to my father. Yeah. But it's like, I get out there, you can't...

He does say that all the time.

It's crazy. She's been like, Dad, hey, listen, this is my sister's wedding. There's no reason to talk about the inches mom's got. It's a nice day. We've rented a DJ But no, it is bad. Yeah, I feel for the children. I feel for his children. Absolutely. Because it's very complicated being the son of a serial killer.

I could only imagine.

I mean, technically accused.

Would you rather be related to a serial killer or a spree shooter?

Well, what's their reach?

I think serial killer, at least-A serial killer with a movie that's cool.

You know what I mean? Sadly, that would be cool.

A spree killer is just nothing cool about it.

I thought it would be like, yeah.

They're lame. They're lame. They're boring. They're pussy.

I think serial killers are also lame and stupid. Well, yes, for sure. But if I was going to choose If you lose one, yeah, it'd be a serial killer.

But at least they're like, artistic.

Well, they got a dream. Yeah. I think you can't take that away from anybody, no matter what the dream is. Because a dream, it could be dark, it could be light, but other way, it's what keeps you going. Yeah, he might want to be a serial killer, but he might end up a lawyer, CEO, fucking accountant. You never know. You never know. It's a lot of skillsets.

Those are the three jobs, though. Yes.

For that style of brain damage. All right, so that's the big update. I'm going to cover this update. We have a lot of Armin Mivis stuff that we're going to cover this week, which I am excited about. Then we're going into a huge series on Last Podcast and Left Right After, which is me.

I'm very excited because I really want to learn about this.

It's going to be good. Live from your grave.

All right, well, here's my big news of the day. We just found this right before. You okay? Oh, no. Oh, no. This is hard for Henry to deal with. I can't do that. Do you need the Heimlich? Did you drink your tea too fast? Yes.

I'm fine.

That's a noise that we're definitely going to be hearing this year at the Nathan's Hot Dog Getting Contest. Yes. Because Joey Chestnut was just banned.

He was just the greatest- Rob is literally stunned. The greatest champion of In American history. Yeah.

All right? Like, the greatest.

I view him as the last good American hero.

Sixteen straight championships. That's huge. Never been done any sport.

But look this up. But look at why. You know why?

Because he's now endorsed by Impossible Meat. And so Nathan said, You go, Fuck.

I can't believe this.

You can't support Impossible Meat. We're Nathan's. You're out.

You know? They kicked out. I know. I believe that in one way- I'm getting rid of my jersey. I know he is. He has a chestnut jersey from Nathan's, and he's going to burn it, and it's going to burn for several days.

I'm never getting Nathan I'm back on Hebrew National. I know. Fuck you, Nathan's. You treat a champion like this?

As much as I'm emotionally- He gave his life to you.

I'm emotionally effective. He took this back from the Japanese. He was Japanese, right?

Yes, I think so, yeah. Yes, that guy. Was it? Yeah, he It was in. Kobiashi. Kobiashi, yes. Now, Eddie, I will put a little bit of sense in here, okay? So, yes, I am the same as you. I am bereft. I don't know why in the living fuck I would watch July fourth. I don't know why I'm celebrating it without him there.

At least I get to sleep in now.

Yeah. But at the same time, it is their competition. All right. Nathan's, they want their competition. But I think that I do understand it's a private competition. They want them out of it because they don't understand. But I think that what we're looking at here is, and this might be to some people, I think only a small percentage of very stupid people will say that this is too far. But I think we're looking at a Jackie Robinson moment for Joey Chestnut here. He's about to become the Jackie Robinson of Impossible Me, which is that he could very possibly arrive to the Nathan's competition with a mandate.

With a hundred impossible hot dogs.

A hundred, buddy. No. I'm asking our people if we could get together and do the 10,000-man march on the Nathan's Hot Dog Competition. It's called the Walk to Impossibility.

It's because of the doubt.

Yep. You need a lot of rascals. A lot of rascals. But we come in from all states, and we arrive much like how George Washington fooled the British alone. Joey Chestnut, we can flip the whole thing from the inside out by taking it by storm.

Put a wig on him.

Lady Chestnut. Oh, will you refuse a lady Josephine Chestnut. Oh, I guess you're too good for a lady. That's what we'll say. Then we'll get him in his short hair, guys. This is the thing.

If we show up- This is some of the biggest sports news I've ever fucking heard.

Yeah, dude. This is the biggest thing since O. J. Simpson switched careers. That one fateful night.

Then he became an actor? Yeah.

He was having fun with it. Joey Jessnut is an American hero, and he will not be left out. I think that we are going to be surprised how this turns out. We're going to watch Nathan's Blink. I'm calling it now. We're going to watch them blank because we, as the people, are going to stand up for our boy.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'm going to say it right now. The clams suck.

What?

Nathan's. Fuck their fried clams. They like to say they got good fried clams. They don't. They got shitty fried clams.

Why the living fuck- Fuck you, Nathan's. Eddie, why in the living fuck are you eating Nathan's fried clams? I'm not.

I don't. I have.

That is the worst thing I've ever heard.

When you're in Coney Island, you're supposed to eat clams. Everybody knows this.

Never eat seafood out of Coney Island.

It's filled with common heroin. Oh, you got to get the raw clams at Ruby's?

Raw clams at What am I asking for? Hepotitis C for clam?

I got at least 200 in me.

That's bad, dude.

It's because you got four stomachs. I'm ready to go.

Do you have four stomachs? Four hearts. The best part of He can lose three hearts and still go just like a bow except for 37. That's what's incredible about him. He doesn't need all four hearts to operate.

His fucking champion has been fucked.

I know. I'm angry, too. I'm angry, and I hope that we can fix this with violence. I hope that we can fix this. I don't want this to be peaceably organized. I don't want to go. I don't want to negotiate with Nathan's. I think it's time for our January sixth. I think it's our time for July fourth is Our Independence Day.

Also, fuck you, Nathan, for making me stand up for Impossible Me.

Yeah, that's also, I'm not going to even put that be like, now you've put me in this position. I am not pro-Impossible beef, necessarily. I'm pro-Joey Chestnut. Chesnut.

Yeah, and I go where he goes.

I do what Joey Chestnut does, except I am still a little weirded out by the impossible meat. It does make me a little worried. I don't know what the fuck it is, but at the same time, I support Joey Chestnut. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions about plant-based protein string beef. I don't know what it is. I actually think it's probably going to be better for us on the long term to eat bugs instead of the protein strings. It's making a lot of people upset. It's an unpopular opinion.

But there's lots of bugs.

There's a lot of bugs.

If we don't eat them, they're going to take over. Have you ever Have you eaten cricket?

Never. It's very good. You've never eaten? You've never had any bugs? Have you read mealworms? Have you read bee? Have you read shrimp?

Crawfish. That's not bugs. Kind of bugs.

They get too much meat. A real crunchy-ass bug. Like a caterpillar is good. What bug have you ate? I've had crickets, and I've had caterpilleurs. You like them? Yeah, they taste like nuts.

You really? Yeah. But did you just eat the whole cricket? They don't take its guts out or anything? I don't know. I don't know how they prepare. You eat its brains and shit? You eat its head?

I eat whatever's there.

Is it chocolate-covered? Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

It's It's tastier that way.

Yeah, I would try cricket. I'm not against it.

We'll get you some. We should order some for the studio.

I know they make burgers out of flies now.

You see, but I feel like I'm anti-fly. I don't want to eat fly.

It's a certain type of fly. Skaters? Eat skaters.

I've never seen an elephant fly. All right, let's go to this next one.

We're with you, Joey.

We're with you, Joey. We're here and we're providing the army. Yeah. We're coming right by. Don't you worry. You have my sword. Like the towers of Rohan.

All right, here we go. I'm sending some Russians to piss on the front steps of Nathan's.

We're already doing it. Don't worry about it.

You just got to- I'm just claiming responsibility.

Yes, you're like, Isis.

After the fact. Please, I'm much better. I'm more like, Nices. In Brooklyn, they also have Italian Isis.

Yes, it's at anytunes. Com, everybody. This guy, he's been ready for that. He's been thinking about that for a long time. Oh, my God. All right, here we go. Actually, I do have another update. We did cover this guy a long time ago, a Louisiana man. I think that's going a bit far, calling him a man. But Rutledge Deis, 31. This guy, we covered him when this first happened. He was given five years probation.

Oh, this guy.

This is this charmer.

This is such a crazy fucking story.

This fucking charming guy. What this guy did was that he liked to fake being a mentally handicapped man. You to get female caregivers to come over and clean his soiled diapers for his own arousal. People come over. He'd be like, Gugu Gaga, I need you to handle my butt hole situation here. They'll be like, Okay, baby man, you talk more adult than I thought you would. He's like, Gugu Gaga, make big mess. I'm going to need you to handle this brown. They go and they wipe. They go to release the crack in, which normally... Because I haven't changed.

I don't change I've never changed a diaper. I'm trying my best to get through my entire life without changing one.

You're going to change one of mine, right? This is how you change diaper. If you guys don't know-I have wiped an ass. When? Couple.

It's my father towards the end of his life.

I don't hear a joke there already.

No, there's no joke. So you got to put your legs up.

So you put your legs up like this, right? If you can't see it at home, but this is the proper thing. Normally, if you're a Goo-goo, gaga, baby person, and let's say you are literally actually mentally handicapped enough that you would need a diaper. I imagine you'd be in some facility. These guys are saying that he's like, No, I'm in an alternative therapy. I need you to come to my house. So he cons these people, mostly. They're all women. They come over. He's in the position in the change me, change me position with his ankles up in the air. Then she goes to go get at that poop. The first thing that she sees is a Jesus-like position.

What do you mean? On a cross?

Crazy Humdinger. Huge ass fucking erection. Yeah, he loves it. They'll be like, Euh, you know? Because normally, they don't react like that.

Yeah. Diapers aren't really made for erections because they're for babies and old people. What?

Diapers are built for ere?

I don't think so.

Old people have ere. Not a lot. You mean to tell me there's no sex performance diaper?

I don't think there is.

Because people have loose booties, but they don't necessarily... Loose boot. Loose boot. People get loose bootet. People not loose-boody, but they don't fucking necessarily have to be old to have a loose booty.

I imagine if you got an ere in a diaper, I could be wrong, but wouldn't it just stretch out the legs and then the pea would just leak out? This guy does look like a dildo covered in scabs.

I'm not looking it up. That's for certain. I'm not looking any of this up. To bring the story back around, now, he named himself Cory, which I think is the saddest name somebody with a mentally handicap. I don't know why. He almost made it through his probation. He made it all the way to 2024. He was sentenced since 2019. He made it all the way to 2024, and he fell. He's back on the app. He's back on the wagon, dude. He fell off the way. He's back off the wagon. He fell off the wagon. He is not doing well. He did go and he reached out to a bunch of people, said, Hey, come. He texted, Google, gaga, me a baby, me I need milk. Where's my mommy? And they were like, Hey, it's weird. How did you get a phone plan? And he's like, Google Gaga, me went to Verizon, Misa got a new iPhone with my wonderful credit. Yeah, Mom, Gugu Gaga. I need to be big changing now. Mommy, mommy, please. And she's just like, All right, I guess if you're paying me, but I don't know how that works necessarily. I think most of the time they want to be verified, but he got scooped up immediately.

Now, the thing, the guy He was covered in scaps.

Well, didn't he get away with it for a while?

I mean, for a while because it was hard. Because what you find out is that one person's experience doesn't necessarily like, Yeah, sure. You meet a lot of fucking weirdos. I'm certain that in-home care people, unfortunately, run into more than their fair share of weirdos.

And he was pretending to be mentally challenged.

Yeah, like a big baby guy. He was saying, Gugu Gaga, can you come over here? My dipey is full and I'm scared of the rain.

Oh, my God. So he was going by Cory when he got caught, and then he got caught again using the name Rory. Frank unavailable? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Yeah, hi. It's me.

Yeah, no, I'm not Cory. I'm Rory. Yeah. Yeah. Just so you know, go, go, go, hey, it's me, Big Baby Rory. God. Just going to say, Looking for a temporary afternoon mommy, especially one without a daddy.

This guy, they should make him get tattooed on his ass. If you're changing my diaper, call the cops. Yeah, exactly.

If you see this, you've just got crimes. It's too late. What if you got too late tattooed above his dick? It's just like, by that point, it's just been like, God damn it. He's like, Got you.

Man, they love showing pictures of his fucked up face.

He is gross. Yeah, he definitely- He's disgusting. He's picking out his scabs. Yeah, he's funny. I guess you wouldn't expect him. They never look like Jared Leto. Yeah. You know what I mean? You never see one of these guys and you're ever like, What's a handsome guy. They're like, what's wrong with him? He is exactly who you'd... If you asked me to draw a picture of who you think this guy is, you would look like that. You would draw this guy. He would look like that. He has that... Because you know what it is? It's very similar to Herb Baumeister, big top of head. Yeah. Big top of head. He looks like...

What's his name? Upside down parking cone.

Twinkie Bird.

Twitty Bird. Twitty Bird. It does look like Tweetie Bird.

He's got Tweetie Bird head.

Yeah. Yeah.

Twinkie Bird.

Twinkie Bird.

Twinkie Bird's down at the mine shaft. Got his asshole reamed out by Big Winnie.

What's his real name?

Rutledge. Rutledge. His first name is Rutledge. I want to say this to the new parents out there. Okay, listen. A name is never to blame for a kid's behavior or attitude. It doesn't help. If you hear the apocryphal song, A Boy Named Sue, you know that it caused his life to be very difficult. Obviously, now things are more complex about something like that. If you name your kid, Rutledge, he's going to kill a maid. If you name a kid, Rutledge, he is by far, he is the most dangerous child at the private school.

Starting out in a rut.

Yes, very much so. When I see Rutledge, I hear, mommy, bring me another butler. That's all I see. I just see a boy with weird little twin little legs, like little spaghetti legs. He can't fit, and he's just like, and all he does is kill the pets.

Yeah, no. Rutledge sounds like it's the brother of Mutley. Rutledge.

Off the dog. Rutledge. Get off the dog, Rutledge.

Oh, is Rutledge the Fourth?

Yeah, that's his real name. Rutledge the Fourth. So they had three to get him right. And guess what, buddy? I guess the come, don't run that far downhill because it sounds like he fucked up. He's a multiplicity clone of his own father. Damn. Nothing but recessive genes. That's one of the hardest parts about having kids. Can't choose the genes. Not in this day and age. That's why we brought you LPN Eugenics. Come on down here, the LPN Genetic Scientist. We are making an incredible thing. I will make sure your kid has back hair to grow him up funny. All right, here we go. Next story.

Man, I don't know if I want to talk about this one or not, but let's bring it up quick. The guy, I feel like just because it's so violent, we have to talk about it. Which one? The guy who bashed in four people's head with a pipe and then killed three of them because they wanted a movie to be made out of it. This is a fucking loser.

Yeah, all right. So this was in Cedar Rapids. A Marion man held on four million dollar bail after he killed three with a metal pipe. Why give him bail? Because they have to.

If you kill three people with a metal pipe, you do not have to give him bail.

I actually... This is one of those lawyer questions, side stories, lpotl@gmail. Com. I believe with certain types of crimes and in certain states, they have to give bail or there's a way that it breaks down where they- Three murders? Because I think what it comes down to its flight risk is that can they leave? Can they have- What if he's a spree shooter? Well, I think that that would be different. I think that because- But that's the same thing.

He killed three people. If he did it with a gun or a pipe, who gives a fuck?

But I feel like it's because he did it with a pipe, and a pipe is a real slow way to do it. The guns are a real fast way to do it.

And what? So you're more quickly to leave?

I think that you're more quickly to go shoot a bunch of people, and you can kill a lot more people faster.

Not if they take your gun.

Exactly. Unless you upgrade two bombs. That's very bad. So this piece of shit, Luke Wade Truesdale, 34 years young, looks like shit for 34 years old. Of course.

He's trying to get famous by bashing in people's heads with pipes.

So this guy, he killed somebody with a metal pipe. Three people. But yes, it started with one person. But then what I guess he decided to do was kill two more because he believed that his crimes were not interesting enough to be caught on film. Is that what he wanted was to sell his story and it become a big true crime, new movie of the week on Netflix or something like that. But guess what, buddy? You also have to be interesting. That's the thing. Unfortunately, you still need a story.

Even Wonderland sucks.

Just local fat moron with pipe is just our lives. Yeah. That's not a fucking movie. You know what I mean? That's at an eye's life. I go and sit. I can have a pipe and hang around and go, Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. No one's going to fucking care about my fucking movie, even if I do kill a bunch of people.

Yeah. He said that it would be made into a movie, and that's why he did it. So obviously, the movie can't get made.

Well, no. We're just going to wrap this guy and say he's fucking too ugly to have a good Hollywood double. Who's going to play him? Well, fucking- Rex Powerman. Yeah. The only person that could play this piece of shit in a movie is one of the grips. You know what I mean? He is not ready for prime time. These guys, yeah. So fuck him. It's sad because I do want to shout out the victims, Quiana, Victoria Ryan, Lamar Cooper, Amanda Sue Parker, and Brett Anthony Brown. It's very sad And then hopefully this guy doesn't get what he wants at all. But he's just a fucking loser. And anybody who does it, it doesn't make you interesting. I know that it's technically a silly argument, but this idea that you being a serial killer makes you interesting is actually, honestly, at this point, it's hack.

It's been done. Yeah. It's been done. Beginningerror1479 on Reddit says he's a known meth dealer in town.

Oh, sure. He's probably... It's very hard to be an unknown meth dealer because that means you're just in a hard scrambles. No, you're just doing it. Yeah, you're just making meth. That's not a dealer if you're not selling it.

Man, fuck this guy. I don't even want to talk about him anymore. No, fuck him. Done. Yeah, done. Next. Flush.

Bye, fucker. We'll see what happens. This guy is probably not going to do well in jail.

No, they're going to stick pipe up his ass.

Here we go.

This is more fun for side stories. Oh. Rotisserie chicken mystery.

This is honestly, this has been happening so much lately.

I think it's always happened, and then now it's just because it's a trend to report on it.

I think this is a phenomenon across side stories that I have discovered of all the years I've been doing this, that crimes really do, for some reason, happen in waves. I don't know why. I think it might be a little bit of what you're saying there, which is like whatever that basis of, I forgot what the term is, when you hear something for the first time and then you see it a bunch of different places. I don't know whether or not they saw the dumb traction that the pile of meat story got, so they're going to report on this pile of meat story. But it is strange how often with side stories, if one type of story comes out, there's It's like two more of the same style. This is fucking weird. This is another one of like, why are people doing this? It's actually now we know it's very bad for the environment. This is a U'Conner's dog finds a pile of There's a lot of rotissery chickens out in the wilderness.

Two dogs. Forty. Forty chickens. Forty chickens. They got a picture of the dog, and it's underneath it says, Here's an Aussie possibly thinking about chickens. It's cute.

This is how you know it's Canadian. This is a Canadian story. They love how cute it is. This is according to CBC news. That was the thing. Linda Lamers was out for a walk with Ossie when the dog caught the set and found more than 40 rotissery chickens dumped in a heap in the woods. Now, it may have been a dream come true for the dog, but it was less than ideal for Lamers. I just want to know why, Lamers said. There's a big smelly bunch of cooked chicken.

It's just 500 meters from home. I mean, that's pretty far.

It's far enough. I also like it. Here we go. Here's her putting her fucking detective cap on. These weren't in the ditch, said Lamers. They would have had to have been dragged here intentionally.

If they were all in a ditch, then they found their way in.

You think they got kicked out of their house? You think they moved out from their fucking parents house, the 40 rotissary chickens, and they're on a camping trip?

This is extra aggravating for me because I do know that because they're cooked chickens, this dog could have easily died. Oh, of course.

We cover this with the The meat pile was actually extremely bad for the environment. It's bad for the animals. It's bad for everything.

But cook bones, they splinter off more than uncooked bones.

They're extremely bad. They shouldn't be eating the bones unless they're a bull mastiff. According to Lamers, she was just like, Oh, you know, there's only A hundred meters from me home, all right? Mm-hmm. Now, I take an I try to, I don't like it. I'm going Irish. Fuck. God damn it, I'm almost going Irish. Fuck, fuck. No, don't you know. That's a massive.

I mean, who knows how many- Oh, that's a massive attractant.

She said she doesn't like the birds. I don't even have bird seed out at this time of year because I'm worried what's going to attract bears. Same thing with me, menstruations. I am worried they're going to smell me bloods coming from the waters, and they're going to come out, then a fish start jumping at my pussy bloods. Did you know? If you got your manars too close to the ocean, an octopus could jump up and grab at your click. They're coming for your bloods. Plug it up. I know as a Canadian woman, that's why I'm plogging it up. Yeah.

So five football fields away from a house is how far they ditch these. Is that far enough for you? Oh, yeah. So you don't have a problem with the dish chicken.

No, I don't want the chickens there because now I know it's bad, but it's more like, where did the chickens come from? And it sounds like this is some, again, this is some form of, unfortunately, light Canadian warfare.

Yeah, they probably just couldn't sell them.

But that's a lot of chickens.

No one buys 40 chickens and throws them in the woods. You can make the same statement with 20 chickens.

Unless it was about art.

Oh, this is art?

Maybe there's something here. I can see meaning here. Like a student film? Yeah. Yeah, these chickens are birds. They should be free. Birds live in the forest.

It could have been a lot more. It could have been a lot more. I mean, animals could have gotten to this and taken a couple home.

One by one by one by one. Like the 101 Dalmatians.

Well, a fox It grabs one, brings it back to its little hole.

But yeah, that's 40 of them.

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. They had 40 left.

It's just 40. But where do they come from?

If she was the first person, if her and her dog were the first two to find this- I'm afraid that my menstrual blood brought the chickens, and I feel like the rotissary chickens are attracted to my menses. I'm saying if she's the first one to find it and there were no other sign of animals, she's a suspect.

You know, I fucking believe that. You know, I believe, some Canadian fucking attention hungry woman who's so sick of no one caring about how the gerbels come after her when she's got a fucking hot flash because they're trying to warm up in the winter. She says a lot of fucked up shit. She's really sick of people not paying attention to her. So she staged this whole thing.

If these are 40 intact rotisserie chickens, 500 meters from a house, that means that she either walked past the person who did it or was a part of the dumping herself.

I actually agree. And now people go gather around, look at the heep of rotissary chickens, and she gets to say weird stuff like, I once lost my cat. And what I did was I ate a bunch of fish, right? And I fordered real loud. So then the cat could find its way home. Oh, lamers.

Get out of here, lamers.

But right now, obviously, she's traumatized, and we're making fun of this woman, and we shouldn't be. Because this is one of the worst things What else it can happen to somebody because- At least to a chicken. I mean, to a woman, a Canadian woman. One of the single worst things that can happen to a woman is seeing a pile of rotissary chickens she just can't launch into. Because that's my ultimate torture. Man. It was a pile of rotissary chickens, and I couldn't. That's so good.

You know I love rotissary chicken. Man, I can eat the... I mean, that got me through so much in my life.

That's still. I still eat my rotissary chicken alone in my car after I go to the store.

You know those places in Brooklyn that sell chickens? Like live chickens and feathers. Now, you buy a chicken there. Yeah. They're like 20 bucks.

Yeah.

How come a rotissery chicken is like 599?

Because a rotissery chicken is mostly rat meat.

I'm just saying, if I don't have to pluck and kill and cook the chicken myself.

It's because one is the freshest possible meat ever, and it is an entire chicken.

I guess you can get eggs from it if you wanted to keep it, but I think you have to fuck it. Yeah.

Don't you have to give it something? Don't you have to play with its clit or something?

No, you do have to fuck a chicken for it to start producing eggs.

But I think you have to It's not you fucking it.

That's why farmers should be in prison.

But it's not you fucking it, right?

You're going from farm aid to farm aids. Isn't there something Isn't there something you got to do to chicken?

We love farmers. We like farmers. I'm fine with them. I don't know any. I'm fine with them.

There's two piles of chicken.

Yes. That's what I'm saying. It's weird. But I'd like to know, Side Story is LPOTL. Is@gmail. Com. How do chickens have eggs?

I think they just shit them out.

Yeah, I know.

I'm pretty sure they just shit them out.

I just think you got to start them off.

You need a rooster to fertilize them. Otherwise, they're just delicious eggs.

But I think that they're only to make more chickens, but I think they are just eggs if they come out. But how do you make them have eggs if they're not having a baby?

You shake them and slap them.

Wow. Amazing. Is that what they did with Kate plus eight? Remember her? Where's she at?

She's probably fucking scissoring the octomom.

That makes me hard as Christ. Just thinking about it makes me hard as the savior himself. Slow, he drowned into my own lung butter, ready to come in front of my mom. What's next?

I don't know. I think we're done with the stories.

I do think we might have gotten through all of the stories, the Raging Boner stories. Oh, no. I got a great one. I I forgot. Yay.

What's this?

Woman eating by snake.

Oh, yeah. How did we get about the woman eating by snake?

Yeah, Woman eating by snake. Yeah, this is a good one. Now, there's a missing woman, and they found her. Yeah, they found her. Dead inside of a 16-foot Python.

Last place you ever look.

Yeah, I know. It's so hard. It's always like, Where did I see your keys? Where did I put mom? You know what it is? It's because the key is, honestly, this is what I hope that their family learns from this. The key is, Eddie, truly, don't be a leaver Be a putter.

I thought you were going to say be a beaver.

Don't be a leaver. You can't just leave mom places. You got to put her in the snake. If you put, it's like you can't leave your keys places. You have to put your keys keys. Yes. Where they need to go.

That's very smart.

I like that. Natalie told me that, and I still don't do it.

So what happened to... Yeah, because I always...

I just throw my keys wherever the first... I am in a constant, never-ending search for my keys and wallet.

I always stick it in a really weird place. Every time. I'm always like, I'll remember because it's in a really weird place.

It's exactly where I wouldn't put it, so I got to know it's there.

I know not to do that, and I still do it because why? We...

It's called a problem. It's called I'm losing short-term memory rapidly, but I'm choosing it over my feelings.

All right, so this poor lady was drowned by...

No, she was All right, so this woman was found dead inside the belly of a snake. I don't know how she got there. I think that she...

She went quietly, weirdly.

The husband of 45-year-old Farida, in residence of Kalimpong village in South Salaw I see.

Oh, wow. I nailed it. Yeah, it was perfect.

Discovered her on Friday inside a reticulated Python. So they came to go look for her. She was gone. They found her shoes. They found her belongings, and then they went and they saw things Then they found a dugout furrow. They watched the snake's way of going. Then they found a snake with a giant mom-size potbelly.

She had to have been tiny. Do they give her sizes?

She's 16 foot.

They don't give her sizes. I know, but I don't think the snake could take me is what I'm saying.

I actually wonder. I think the snake could eat you. No. A snake eats alligators.

My shoulders.

But a Python can eat an Allegan.

I don't know. A smaller gator, maybe.

No, we We talked about it. I just was on that gator tour.

Yeah, they can.

Pithons eat gators. That's the problem right now is that they have to go... The gators are getting eaten out when they're young. Yeah, but they're getting eaten like crazy.

But like three, four footers, not twelve footers.

But we know it's decimating the gator population because the pythons are an invasive species in the Everglades, and they're eating all the gators. So someone has to go kill all the snakes and then let the gators get big enough to kill them again. Yeah.

No, but the pythons, they're doing good down there. But they go here.

They are very, very good.

One Python tried to eat a six-foot gator, and it busted out its belly. Did you ever see that shit? Yeah, I love that fucking shit. Fucking scientists.

Now, this guy, it does squeeze you to death. It kills you. So residents in Southeast Sulawesi's, to none... I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to T-Town district killed an eight-metre Python, which was found in strangling and eating one of the farmers in the village. In 2022, a woman in Indonesia's Jombi province was killed and swallowed hole by a Python. In 2018, a woman was found dead inside a seven-meter Python. Whoa, that's small. That's small. It's honestly, I feel like- Seven meter. Seven meter. Oh, seven-metre. Seven-metre.

Oh, seven-metre. That's 21 feet.

That's 21 feet.

Okay, that is huge.

Yes. In 2022, a 16-foot albino reticulated Python that slithered through a Texas neighborhood for months was finally rescued and returned to its owner. I remember that.

Who wrote this fucking article? You're going back from feet to meters, back and forth? It's AI.

Go fuck yourself. No one's writing anything anymore. All right? This is written by the cloud.

It's so aggravating. Yes. If you're right, you keep one measurement through the entire article.

They're just right. No one gave their desperate to keep their jobs.

If you went from feet to yard, I wouldn't even be as mad.

This is all Siri doing this. Siri is writing articles now. All right? That's why we, as a group, need to go. The independence of this, and I mean this, Eddie, it starts with Joey Chestnut on July fourth that day.

Yeah, it started.

We need to fight the corporations, and that's how we do it. Oh, my God.That day. With the one corporation, we can get our hands around its neck. Can Marvin E.

Meyer have any children?

Daddy? Is that my Daddy? Whoa. Is this footage? It's a video of them cutting it up. Where did you find this, Rob? She's like a poroshki.

Oh, my God.

They're cutting her out of it. It's so delicious looking and all. Whoa.

Holy smosh.

She's in her clothes. Damn. She's still in makeup.

Oh, my God.

That's incredible.

I can't believe this.

Is it odd to say, I feel bad for the snake?

What do you mean you feel bad for the snake? I'm just saying the snake doesn't know. He thought it got the biggest prize of its life. He doesn't know. Now they're just cutting its stomach open.

I didn't know that the snake could eat talbits. I didn't know that was a part of its lifestyle. Oh, my God. Did your mom shop at talbits?

Yeah, occasionally.

Not really, though. Talbits was the nice one.

Julie's mom loves talbits. She keeps sending Julie talbits clothes, and I'm like, My wife's not Can you please stop sending her these clothes?

You're not having sex with the woman that runs a reading group inside of a YMCA yet. This is fucking crazy.

That's fucking awesome. This video. I'm speechless.

Yeah, she is all the way inside that thing. She is small.

Oh, my God.

She's a small lady.

Yeah, they're fine. Now they're bringing a blanket to cover her up, finally. They're like, Let's grab a napkin. Okay.

It doesn't look like a picnic blanket. We might need a napkin for this one, okay?

Oh my fucking God.

This one might get could be, okay?

So they found the snake all the way in the woods.

Yeah, dude. It fucking was going home. It added huge ass launch.

And they put the caution at the end of the video?

Yes, they did. They put the trigger warning at the end. Whoever wrote this article, it's the most appalling shit. It's literally like, it's both killing an animal and a dead corpse. And it's like, you just see it at the very end. Caution. Some of my dream might be hard for people to watch. So good. Oh, God. They're doing the Lord's work in Indonesia. You know, You just got to be careful out there. Never trust a snake that you don't know personally. It's like a meat in your dealer.

Oh, man. Oh, God. That's so upsetting looking.

It's fun. I like it.

I mean, honestly- It shows me how...

To me, it's like, weirdly, I'm like, That's America and nature. Yeah, it is. I watch that and it's like, That's cool that nature can do that. I know it's bad, but I just feel like as humans, we so very rarely lose to wild animals. We beat wild animals fucking 9.9 10 times out of 10. Every once in a while, it's for them to get one.

I think her family should get free beer for life. Yeah, dude.

You know who should fucking hit them up is Miller. Yeah, Miller.

Miller's got to get in on this. Yeah, Miller. They live in the high life.

Live in the high life being like, my wife may have been eaten by a snake, but hey, Miller High Life, champagne of beers.

Snakes got you down. Yeah. Miller High Life.

Snakes eat your wife. Yeah, Snakes eat your wife. Have nine Miller High Lives. All right. Wow. Cool. Those bad feelings just go away. Thanks, champagne of beers.

God. Do we need to go out and kill all the snakes? No.

No?

Just this is just something that happens and we need to accept it.

I feel that snakes move slow enough. I'm not victim.They're.

Pretty fast.

They can be, I know. But I'm still saying that I do feel that in some ways this was avoidable.

For sure.

I feel that this could not have happened to this woman. I do feel that part I know that. Pythons are extremely, especially reticulated. Pythons are very aggressive.

Yeah, 16 feet.

Very big. No, I'm not saying that it's not awesome.

It's almost three of me.

I'm not getting length. Yeah, I'm not saying it's not awesome. I'm just saying that I feel The lady, there was a series of mistakes that were made.

For sure.

And it led to this.

Yeah, definitely got to keep the window closed.

Yeah, she wasn't inside of a Chick-fil-A when this happened. No. If she was inside of a piece of society in that way in terms of if she was in an office building and got ate by the pythons, we got a Python problem. We need to look at it. She was in the Python's house. Yeah.

There's so many people in Indonesia, too, that this is just going to happen.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're eaten by gators. You got spiders.

But yeah, that's terrifying.

Yeah, it was very scary. Well, hey, you know what, Eddie? I think you'd know if a snake was coming.

Thank you.

I think you would know.

Yeah, because I would have invited them.

You were like, Oh, my friend. Don't eat me, friend. But don't let him sleep in your bed. No. Because then what they do sometimes is they measure you in your sleep.

Yeah, they think when you see a snake laying straight next to you, it's really just sizing up to see if it can eat you or not, right?

Well, that might be-Is that a wife's tale? It might be.

I think it's cool, though.

It is cool. Yeah. I hope it's true.

I hope it's true.

Yes, but I think it might be fake.

Yeah, but don't sleep with snakes.

No, you shouldn't. You should keep them in their cage.

Yeah, and gators. Don't sleep with gators either.

Do you let a snake free reign around a house? Do you let a snake crawl around?

No, they have aquariums.

But do they need out time? My friend... Not my friend. I think they take them out. My neighbor has a parrot.

If you're not going to take the snake out of the cage, then why you have it?

Well, because it just means you're just highly desperate for attention. You're going to be one of the snake people on a boardwalk.

Yeah, but you don't buy- I don't know if snakes need that. I had a hamster. I used to take him out all the time.

Oh, they don't need to go outside every day. Spending time outdoors can be enriching for them. What? Like reading a book? What do you mean a snake? I know. I have a lot of friends. Snakes can't read. They don't have hands. I have a lot of friends do have snakes, and I know that they do have personalities, and they are actually very interesting animals, but this is just not for me. That's fine. All right, let's get some letters. All right. Boody, Boody, Boody. My mother-in-law, Janice, wasted away in a diet of cancer in a pretty dramatic and dramatic way.

Is that how you started that?

This is literally how I did not know. I honestly did not remember that there was the first line of the email. As I said, moody, moody, moody. But I just see, yes, that is unfortunate. But we're leaving it in because that's called That's called being human, man. You got to see that about me. Now, 20 years later, after that sad story. Now, 20 years later. Funny story, I'm sure. My children and my wife and I interact with her at least once a month. My ass has been pinched many times. Janice never met me, but I think she probably would have pinched my ass in life as well. Janice also slam doors and open cabinets move things on shelves. Occasionally, I'll hear my kids holler from the other room. They ask Janice to knock it off, whatever she might be doing at that time. We don't really have a problem with it. I suppose if we move, we might smudge or something to let her rest. But in the meantime, it's nice to occasionally feel a booty pinch.

Now, I don't like a booty pinch.

Me neither. I feel that there is a piece of information missing from this email because it goes straight from really sad, extremely touching in a way of talking about this woman dying of a very rapidly of rapid onset cancer. But then it just jumped the booty pinches, and I don't know where the booty pinches started. It started while she was alive. It was while she was in hospital.

She was booty pinching? No.

Is she booty pinching him? Is that not technically, and I hate to do this, guys, is that not technically sexual assault?

What are you going to do? Lock up the ghost? Yes. It's already locked up.

Call Ed and Lorraine Warren. Are there people that come over and exercise the ghost and put it in ghost jail, which is hell? I think it goes to hell.

I don't know. I think that Satan likes what it's doing here.

I feel that this is... I mean, I don't know. I'm not trying to comment to her mother.

What's the wife say? I don't know. We don't know. We don't have enough information to really talk about this.

This is just the father of the family explaining about how he loves his ghost. Mother-in-law It's just a touch on his bottom. That's all this letter is.

Interesting. Yeah. So he likes that his mom, his wife's dead mom-Touches his butt.

Grabs his ass. Yeah, he likes that.

Weird.

Yeah.

That's real weird.

Hey, it's just less than her emails.

These are just less than her emails.

I don't write them. Yeah, no, you don't. They come in, but I think about them, and they haunt me.

All right, Janice.

Good work. Time travel encounter. It's the last one.

See, grandmas, they usually pinch cheeks.

Not those cheeks. Oh, they're both cheeks. They are. All right. No, my grandmother never once touched me below the belt because if she did, I call that bad. I don't think that's bad. I would not want my mom. My mom's never touched my butt since it's physically hitting me as a child. She's never caressed, never a pinch. I can't even imagine my mother pinching me on my buttocks. The only time I've ever been pinched on my buttocks has been by a very inappropriate boomer woman.

Yeah, that's happened to me a lot.

Yes, I've mostly been touched in that way. Yeah, that's how it was actually. But even that, honestly, I could take more. Really? I just haven't gotten a lot of it.

I've gotten plenty.

I know. You get a little touchy touches. I hate it. You got more meat. I think my problem, honestly, is that my butt hole is so It's my butt. Also, I was- My butt is, if you try to get at my butt, you're going straight to the hole as it is.

I think that our fans are surprisingly respectful. Yes, of course. Also, it's only happened to me in actual comedy clubs around drunk people that just go to comedy clubs.

And again, it's always a very sauced older lady in a specific type of outfit with a certain color of hair. It's a type of blonde hair. It's always blonde. Why is it always blonde?I don't know. It's so crazy. I think it's the peroxide. I think it does something to their brains at some period of time because we just look like big waggling around dicks to them. And guess what? We're not just me. We're not just fuck machines.

Yeah, man. We're poets. Last time I did West Palm, I got off stage and I had a killer set and some lady fucking grabbed my dick as I was walking back to the green room.

Again, it's both. Wow, you got to kick down.

Fuck, yeah, I got to kick down. You got to be careful.

You got to be careful.

I should have called the goddamn cops.

You should have just immediately pushed.

Punched her husband. Just deck her husband.

I'm fucking the first thing I can think of. It's been Christlike in your behavior. I've shown her the true meaning of the crucifixion. Christ is alive. Christ is alive.

Every time we get a boner, every time, Jesus Christ, he must be here.

There we go. Time travel encounter. I was relistening to the Alaska Triangle episode. Thank you. There was a part in the show where you talked about how you would love to meet a time traveler. I would, specifically about having to ask somebody about what year it is. This reminded me of an experience I had with one of my coworkers that I felt I had pushed into the recesses of my mind. I was working at a local bank in Cottonwood Heights, Utah. There were only five guys that worked there. We knew the regulars and even the people who came in on occasion. It was extremely likely that one of the five of us had opened the accounts for people who banked at our branch. They knew everybody. It was rare that we'd see someone come in that one of us did not recognize. Small town. There was one particular day. We had been open for two hours, so when the lights in the lobby seemed to have dimmed just a little, it was almost like when the clouds cover the sun. It was a gray winter day. No one was in the lobby. We didn't have dimmers at our branch.

My coworker, Connor, and I both looked at each other, and Connor said, Spooky, and we laughed. Not even a second after we had stopped laughing, a gentleman walked in. I I did not recognize this man, neither did Connor. I remember thinking that something felt off. His dress was unusual for mid-March in Utah. He was in cargo shorts, a golf polo, and a black zipped up hoodie with a hood pulled over his head. Most people usually took hoods or hats off when they came into the bank. He did not. He quickly walked up to me without getting a deposit slip, handed me his debit card, and asked if I could check his balance. I was not required to check his ID for a balance check, so I told him it was showing $148,000. He glanced up at me and said, What year is it? I told him it was 2020. He said, Quietly but firmly. He said, Really? Oh, fuck. Grabbed his card off the counter and left in one single motion. I looked over at Connor and said, That was really fucking weird. And then right then, the light's undimmed, like the clouds moved away from the sun.

Again, it's a gray winter day. We looked around and I said, What happened? What was that? When our manager came in later, we told him had happened. He did not recognize the guy's name in the account. And after further digging, we did notice that the guy had no other transactions in his account, aside from his account being opened and the amount of $148,000 deposited into account almost exactly one month prior. We all agreed that this was very strange. Still, even now, it's hard to wrap my head around him saying, Really? Oh, fuck. When I told him the year, did he misshoot his time travel? He didn't see him like a strung out druggy. I never saw him again. Somebody had asked us the CID, what it would have had said. So many unanswered questions. To me, first thing in my mind is, Old boy.

Old boy? You ever see Old boy? You know I've never seen Old boy.

Dude, I am so happy for you. You get to see it. It's so fucking good.

Don't watch the Brolin one. No. No.

I love Brolin. Yeah, me too. But still, watch Oldboy. He's kept in a prison for no... He doesn't know why for 10 years.

Okay.

And he gets out. And it just sounds like a guy, literally, that was held in captivity and someone put money in his account while he was in captivity, and then they let him out.

There's a couple of things that don't make sense to me.

Many things.

First off, I don't believe that time travel is They're going to wear cargo shorts.

I don't. Yeah, but- Number one. But if there were going to be and you needed things to hold in your pockets- I'm currently wearing cargo shorts, and I'm saying this. But do you think that you would travel through time? Is given the opportunity?

Never.

Wow. No. Never.

No. Whoa. Of course not. Maybe the future, but not to the past.

See, I'm more afraid of the future than the past.

Well, if you go to the future, you can't fuck anything up.

Yeah, you can.

No, you just come back.

No, because then you can know the future, which actually might be even more damaging.

But it won't be the future because you know it. And so you're obviously, no matter what you do when you come back, it's going to be different.

I think that you're going to fuck. No, if you go in the past, you cannot touch anything. I do believe you go in the past and you can go and not. You could be led through by a guide. If you go in the past, you're definitely going to fuck shit up. I feel like at some point, if it is true, you'd go through with a guide. A guide? I would teach you how to... You would go and you would have that. In my mind, you'd have the day of the action taking place, and you'd go to parts of time where you just see something happening.

I'd like to go watch the past. I'd be really into that. The chronovisor. I mean, the chronovisor shit. I'd be down with that. Yes. But I don't want anyone to be able to see me or anything like that. Or be able to touch anything. Maybe that'd be cool. I would love to do acid.

I actually saw some stuff at contact that was talking a little bit about that, about how it would probably be much easier to see the future than to go to the future. Yeah, the future. Or see the past instead of go to the past.

Well, yeah, because how are you going to bring the body? Also, people always do the time travel thing, and they end up in the fucking Middle Ages. It's like, well, if you're in Indiana, you're not going to be in Europe because you travel time.

No, you're- You're going to be in Indiana. You're right. You're absolutely correct. You're talking about a massive problem amongst most time travel films. Yeah. That is correct.

You can't change location.

I don't know. It depends on... It's very subjective.

Back to the future, they stayed in the same place, at least.

Yes, they did. But again, I think that that's probably one of the most successful time travel movies besides Primer.

Primer is not successful at all because I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

You never seen Primer?

I think I watched it once.

It's awesome. Have you seen Primer?

It was made for $8. It's great.

I remember that. It's great script.

That's the one with the storage unit one, right? Yeah. We watched that together, I think.

I'm pretty certain we did. It's great. I don't like it. Time Crimes. Good sci-fi movie. I like Looper. Time Crimes. Looper. Looper. Of course, Looper. Looper is also incredible. I forgot about it. I also forgot. Yeah, Ninja Ninja Turdels, for some reason, ended up in futile Japan, even though they went through the time machine in New York.

Yeah. It makes no sense.

It's almost like it's some convenience for the screenplay.

Yeah.

What a great episode today has been. It really has. Every day I live knowing that Jesus Christ died. Also, my other problem with the story, I forgot to mention the second thing that pissed me off.

No bank manager is going to tell some stranger about someone else's bank account.

You would tell the other employees about the bank account.

But this wasn't an employee. Yeah, it was.

They were both employees at the bank.

Okay, I take it back.

Thank you. See, I live every day. I live every day knowing that I live as Christ lived, waiting to die so I can finally be hard.

God damn it.

Then I can laugh as everybody's Pontius pilot is like, God damn. Yeah, he can nail me. He's seeing that fucking nine-inch fucking thick ass, save your ass, fucking cock. They can love the fact that he's not fucking wanting me to die anymore. He's wanting me to live so I can give it to him back in his old fashion. I'm going to change because that's how I'm going to change fucking history. I'm going to go back in time. I'm to see fucking death, the treasure out of jerking. I'm going to see Jesus is his hard ass fucking cock. I'm going to suck that dick, right?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I guess it is probably at mouth level because it's on a cross.

I'm going to freak everybody out. I'm going to make the whole world gay.

Well, I don't know. There's already a bunch of Italians there.

I'm going to suck Jesus Christ's dick, and everyone's going to be in like, Whoa, I didn't know we could do that. Whoa, that guy's awesome. Who's he? And I go, See you in 2024. It's Oh, yeah. Leave. Wipe my mouth.

Cargo shorts.

This has been Side Story. Go check us out, patereon. Com/lastpodcast on the left. You can see our bodies flop around. See us on socials at LP on the for what? I don't know. But go look at it. They are making stuff on there. They're working hard. Go look at it. Go into lastpodcastwithalove. Com. Find tickets to see us live. We're crushing it out there.

Side Story is coming to Chicago, September 13th, man. That's going to be great. Chicago LP last podcast show is sold out. So if you want to see us and you missed the tickets for that, you got to come see Side Stories the night before.

Drive to Philly. Take your family to Philadelphia.

Well, yes, that's in December. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Yes. I was talking about Chicago in September. Drive to Philly.

Yes, we're doing it.

Guys, we love you so much. Listen to the Brighter Side also, by the way.

Yeah, go listen to this other show. It's good.

Yeah, it's fun. I love you guys very much. Hale, say. I don't got to even hale. Hale, the old lady from Indonesia. Poor lady. I feel so bad for her and her family.

Hey, man, I just fucking just don't get eaten by a goddamn snake.

I know.

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