Have you ever had someone in your life that you really wish would change? You just wish that they would get motivated and lose 20 pounds or stop at one glass of wine. You wish they wouldn't spend their weekends indoors playing video games or just scrolling away on social media. I mean, you've tried everything, and you know that they would be happier if they just did what you think they should do. But what if I told you you're approaching this all wrong? See, there are three rules about adults. These are truths that you need to know. And the faster that you accept these three rules about other adults, the faster this situation is going to change. Not because they're going to change, but because you will. Hey, it's your friend Mel. And thank you. Thank you so much for being here with me. I'm so fired up that you tuned in to this particular episode. I wanna acknowledge you for taking the time to listen to something that could improve your life. And today, it's gonna improve your life by teaching you these three rules and truths about adults and adult relationships. And if you're a new listener, I wanna personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family.

I'm so glad you are here. I'm Mel Robbins. I cannot wait to share this time together with you. And we're going to be talking about three truths that define all adult relationships. And I learned these three truths way too late, which is why I am so excited for you to learn them today. And, you know, interestingly, I'm working on my next book. The title is the let them Theory. You're going to fricking love it. It comes out in January, and I'm not going to talk about the let them theory. But the thing that I wanted to share with you is that as I'm researching this book, these three truths come up over and over and over again in the research, in every situation I'm writing about. And, you know, the fact is, the reason why these truths come up is because you and I have someone in our lives we want to change. You want them to drink less, to lose weight. You'd like them to help around the house. I mean, you're not being a pain in the rear end. You just are asking for them to loo a little bit more. Maybe you want them to be a little bit more affectionate.

Maybe they could use a different tone. Maybe you want them to be a little bit more motivated in their career. I get it. I get it. I would want that, too, for somebody that I love. But let's just take that last example that you want someone that you care about who is currently in a job that is making them miserable. You want them to be motivated. You want them in a better job because why? Well, you don't want to see them miserable. Plus, they're making you miserable because they come home every day and they complain about their boss, Steve. And you've seen this play out. They've been working their tail off. They've been up for promotion several times. They've hit their mark. And good old Steve always has a reason why that promotion isn't coming. And, you know, you can see it, can't you? Clear as day, this job is a dead end. And you know that Steve is being totally unprofessional and unfair, and he just keeps stringing this person that you love along. And you know that every single day that goes by is one more day that the person that you love is not in a supportive environment.

And you. You just see this playing out. You see the toll it's taken on the person you love. And here's the thing. You know exactly what they need to do, right? In fact, you've got at least a dozen people that you have lined up that are ready to network with this person that you love. But every time that you push. Have you noticed? Every time that you push, hey, you know, maybe you should look for a new job or, you know, I'd really love for you to talk to David, or, you know, you have so many amazing things to offer. You should be with a better company. They're just stringing you along. Honeydeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh when are you going to see the writing on the wall and leave and find your power? If you notice that every time you push, whether it's in a loving way or a little forceful way, what do they do? They push back. And so here you are. You're at this impasse. You're annoyed at this person that you love, and you're starting to feel a little judgy about the situation, and you're so sick of it that you can't even hear them complain about it anymore because they're not doing anything.

And every little thing that they do from laying on the couch all weekend and watching golf instead of looking for the new job, everything that they do, it just bothers you. And here's what I want to tell you. There are three rules about adults and adult relationships that you have to learn, and you need to start living by them. And these three rules, they are the truth about how adults work. And these three truths, holy cow. If you really embrace them and you incorporate them into your life and your relationships. It's going to create so much more harmony in your life. These truths will give you so much peace and power in this situation. They're going to help you feel more in control. And if you're lucky, it might just create the space for the person that you love to actually want to change for themselves. Because I'm here to tell you, they are never going to change for you. And that brings me to these three truths. Truth number one. If they wanted to, they would. Adults only do what they feel like doing. And if your loved one doesn't feel like looking for a job right now, they're not going to.

And I will unpack this truth in detail in just a minute. But let me get to the other two. Truth number two, you can't make someone else change. Adults only change when they are ready to change. And if your loved one hasn't changed jobs yet, they're not ready to. And truth number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. Let adults be adults. I mean, if your loved one isn't who you want them to be, who's the bigger jerk? Them for not getting the job that you want them to get, or you for judging them? Yeah, that one kind of stings, right? Definitely makes you think this is going to be one of those conversations, by the way, where I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you, because it took me way too long to learn these three truths. And now that I can see them and I know them and I'm living by them, I have had to confront what a control freak I've been. And I can also see how I wasn't accepting and loving the people in my life exactly as they are.

I mean, isn't that what you want from the people in your life who love you? Don't you want people to accept you as you are? To love you for who you are and for who you're not? Well, I wasn't doing that. I was doing a lot of judging. And so, as I unpack each of these truths, you may have that same kind of reckoning with yourself. And I want you to know, it's okay. We all do it. We all control the people that we love instead of accepting and supporting and loving the people that we love. And what I can promise you is that when you truly embrace these three truths, truth number one, if they wanted to, they would have. Truth number two, you can't make someone else change. And truth number three, stop being mad that people aren't who you want them to be. When you accept these truths, your life is going to get a whole lot easier. Because right now you have no idea how much unnecessary stress and your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point. If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life. Just like Chris's decision to stop drinking made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing. He's right. Nobody gives a shit what's in your glass. But people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your behavior than to take a look in the mirror and change their own.It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for ten years and I don't really care about drinking wine. But now Chris is making me think about that, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than for me to question me. There's actually science around this. It's called my side bias. There is so much research about this. Cognitive bias, that's a fancy word for your brain, has certain ways that it thinks things that are totally screwed up, okay? And my side bias is what's called a true blind spot. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how educated you are. My side bias impacts absolutely every single one of us. What does that mean? That means once we have an opinion about something, we will argue for our side, no matter what. Chris is going to argue that not drinking is the best thing on the planet. And I'm going to argue that there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine.And here's the problem with my side bias. Number one, it prevents you by being defensive about your side. It prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities. Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor. He's also a professor. Doctor Keith Stanovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side. Biased. He's considered the scientist. Scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at 07:00 in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them? Well, it has to do with this my side bias.In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change. Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels, when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight, you know, maybe you're drinking a little bit, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds? When they think it's their idea, 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important, because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias.I would argue, oh, no, I don't. But when he says, stop pressuring me, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing. Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices, of course whatever I do next is gonna become my idea, because he's forced me to think about what I actually wanna do. So back to Dan. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged. So first of all, apologize if anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you, but do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all. Because now, you know, only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do, or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions.Why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? You know, is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialog, and you're going to open something up, because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever. Like, let's take this broader than Dan's question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making, they're passive aggressive. They roll their eyes. This is normal. I want you to stop for a second, and let's come back to a little bit of compassion. Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would have. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh, you can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be.Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're nothing. Now, remember, you can have boundaries. You should talk to your wife about the ways in which you could talk about these changes that would be supportive to her. You can have boundaries with her, and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little lecture y, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't want to hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now. Every morning when that alarm goes off at 545 and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up. He's already up and at him. And when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water, and he's already drunk a quarter of it, and it's only 615 in the morning. And at 06:30 a.m. after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions, and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind.He doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you? Oh, you're up now. No, he's just focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect you know what it's doing? It's making me go, hmm. I wonder what would happen if I got up a little bit earlier. Might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside. Hmm. Wonder what would happen if I exercised twice a day, if I took on this structure. And so the truth is, Chris made a change. It sentence ripples through our marriage and our relationship, and he never said a damn word about it. The change itself is impacting me and making me think. Pretty cool how that works, huh? And one more thing. Focus on you. Protect your energy, because when you protect your energy, you create peace in your life, and that is something that I want you to protect at all costs. You know, my mission is to empower you, inspire you, to be connected to you, so that you feel like you want to do the things that are going to create a better life.You know, it's my hope that when you listen to this podcast, you think it's your idea to do these things. Like, if I do that, we are both winning. If you then share this podcast, guess what? When your friends and family listen to me, even though it was your idea to send them the episode, they're gonna think it was their idea. So I love the feedback that you're giving me that you love sending these episodes to your friends and family, because it is sending the message that you know you can't send. And you're not alone. My kids don't listen to me, either. If I try to tell Chris what to do or my brother what to do, we now know, because of the my side bias, they're going to resist it. But when you listen to a podcast episode, I'm just getting the genius of this. You think it's your idea. I love that. And you know what? It is your idea. Because at the end of the day, you're the one who's responsible for your happiness and for creating the life that really lights you up. And when you bring more understanding and compassion to your relationships and you stop being mad at people because they can't do what you need them to do, trust me, you will be a happier person.Life will get easier. Oh, man. That's pretty awesome. So, thank you for being here. I love you. In case nobody tells you that, because your changes are pissing them off right now. That's all right. Just smile at them, love them up, and know that your friend Mel Robbins loves you. And I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to focus on yourself and do the work to create a better life. And for you, sitting here watching with me on YouTube, I just want to say, please share this with somebody. Don't just sit and watch. Please do something and take a minute and subscribe to this channel, because it's really a way that you can support me in bringing you new videos every single day. And I'm sure you're looking for something really inspiring to watch to really move you. So I want you to check out this video next.

your glass, then maybe you should figure out your relationship to drinking. Because the fact is, Mel, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if me putting non alcoholic seltzer in my glass makes you think about what's in your glass, then you've got some changing to do. And he's right. And this is my point. If somebody is confronted by your change, it's because your change is making them think about what they're doing or not doing in their own life. Just like Chris's decision to stop drinking made me think about my decision to have a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner every night. And here's the thing. He's right. Nobody gives a shit what's in your glass. But people who get confronted, it's easier for them to attack you or to get you to change your behavior than to take a look in the mirror and change their own.

It's easier for me to question what Chris is doing than to look in the mirror and go, well, should I have a glass of wine? Maybe I don't want a glass of wine. Maybe it's just some dumb habit that I've had for ten years and I don't really care about drinking wine. But now Chris is making me think about that, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to question him than for me to question me. There's actually science around this. It's called my side bias. There is so much research about this. Cognitive bias, that's a fancy word for your brain, has certain ways that it thinks things that are totally screwed up, okay? And my side bias is what's called a true blind spot. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how educated you are. My side bias impacts absolutely every single one of us. What does that mean? That means once we have an opinion about something, we will argue for our side, no matter what. Chris is going to argue that not drinking is the best thing on the planet. And I'm going to argue that there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine.

And here's the problem with my side bias. Number one, it prevents you by being defensive about your side. It prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities. Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor. He's also a professor. Doctor Keith Stanovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side. Biased. He's considered the scientist. Scientist when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at 07:00 in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them? Well, it has to do with this my side bias.

In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why it's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change. Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels, when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight, you know, maybe you're drinking a little bit, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds? When they think it's their idea, 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important, because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias.

I would argue, oh, no, I don't. But when he says, stop pressuring me, nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing. Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices, of course whatever I do next is gonna become my idea, because he's forced me to think about what I actually wanna do. So back to Dan. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged. So first of all, apologize if anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you, but do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all. Because now, you know, only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do, or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions.

Why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? You know, is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialog, and you're going to open something up, because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever. Like, let's take this broader than Dan's question. If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making, they're passive aggressive. They roll their eyes. This is normal. I want you to stop for a second, and let's come back to a little bit of compassion. Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would have. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh, you can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're not who you want them to be. They may never be who you want them to be.

Loving somebody means loving them where they are and where they're not. It means loving and accepting them for who they are and who they're nothing. Now, remember, you can have boundaries. You should talk to your wife about the ways in which you could talk about these changes that would be supportive to her. You can have boundaries with her, and she can have boundaries with you. Maybe your tone of voice is a little lecture y, but she loves hearing about it. She just doesn't want to hear it as if it's a lecture or if she has to participate or if there's something wrong with her for not doing it. Chris, I have to say, handled this like a boss. He actually handled this like a boss in something going on right now. Every morning when that alarm goes off at 545 and I roll over to my left and I see that Chris is already up. He's already up and at him. And when I walk into the kitchen and I see his gallon jug of water, and he's already drunk a quarter of it, and it's only 615 in the morning. And at 06:30 a.m. after I've written in my journal and I've had my cup of coffee and I've set my intentions, and he's come in from his first workout of the day with our two dogs trailing behind.

He doesn't say, you should be doing this. Why aren't you? Oh, you're up now. No, he's just focused on what's making him happy. And what's interesting is all these changes he's making, it is sending a ripple effect you know what it's doing? It's making me go, hmm. I wonder what would happen if I got up a little bit earlier. Might be kind of nice to get up with him and take that walk with the dogs outside. Hmm. Wonder what would happen if I exercised twice a day, if I took on this structure. And so the truth is, Chris made a change. It sentence ripples through our marriage and our relationship, and he never said a damn word about it. The change itself is impacting me and making me think. Pretty cool how that works, huh? And one more thing. Focus on you. Protect your energy, because when you protect your energy, you create peace in your life, and that is something that I want you to protect at all costs. You know, my mission is to empower you, inspire you, to be connected to you, so that you feel like you want to do the things that are going to create a better life.

You know, it's my hope that when you listen to this podcast, you think it's your idea to do these things. Like, if I do that, we are both winning. If you then share this podcast, guess what? When your friends and family listen to me, even though it was your idea to send them the episode, they're gonna think it was their idea. So I love the feedback that you're giving me that you love sending these episodes to your friends and family, because it is sending the message that you know you can't send. And you're not alone. My kids don't listen to me, either. If I try to tell Chris what to do or my brother what to do, we now know, because of the my side bias, they're going to resist it. But when you listen to a podcast episode, I'm just getting the genius of this. You think it's your idea. I love that. And you know what? It is your idea. Because at the end of the day, you're the one who's responsible for your happiness and for creating the life that really lights you up. And when you bring more understanding and compassion to your relationships and you stop being mad at people because they can't do what you need them to do, trust me, you will be a happier person.

Life will get easier. Oh, man. That's pretty awesome. So, thank you for being here. I love you. In case nobody tells you that, because your changes are pissing them off right now. That's all right. Just smile at them, love them up, and know that your friend Mel Robbins loves you. And I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to focus on yourself and do the work to create a better life. And for you, sitting here watching with me on YouTube, I just want to say, please share this with somebody. Don't just sit and watch. Please do something and take a minute and subscribe to this channel, because it's really a way that you can support me in bringing you new videos every single day. And I'm sure you're looking for something really inspiring to watch to really move you. So I want you to check out this video next.