So, seven common types of disrespect that you need to call out. So number one, this is when people talk over you. Yes, it happens all the time. You may not even be aware of how often it is happening to you. Now, for example, I'm going to give you an example from my own life. I did not realize that I am guilty of talking over one of my daughters. And I said very early on in this video to you that a lot of people that are engaging in these common forms of disrespect don't really realize when they're doing it. The reason why they don't realize it is because they've been doing it for so long and people just put up with it and don't call them out on it that you don't even hear yourself when you're doing it. I don't personally want to be disrespectful. I don't want to talk over other people. What happens is I get so fucking excited when somebody's talking about something that's interesting to me that I tend to just layer something on. And this was a real problem in our family dynamic, and I didn't even know it. Here's what happened.

We've got three kids. We have our oldest who is Sawyer, our middle daughter, Kendall, who's 21, and our son, who is 16. And then there's me and Chris. And about a year ago, we were at dinner talking up a storm, and Sawyer went to go tell a story. And Kendall and I, we literally jumped right in and started talking over her. And Sawyer took her hands and hit the table and said, Will you guys stop it? You're always talking over me. I'm so sick of it. And both Kendall and I sat back and we're like, Whoa, we are? I didn't even know it. So Sawyer pointing it out was an incredible moment in our family. Because number one, this has been a dynamic that's been driving her crazy for years. She has felt very disrespected. She is also a little bit more introverted. Kendall and I are extroverted. And we were unaware that we were basically engaging in behavior that made her feel disrespected, run over, unimportant. And it was simply because we were just jumping in on topics that she was talking about. And so ever since she's called me out on it, I am very, very, very mindful.

I'm not always great at it, but I'm very mindful that when someone is talking, to please keep my mouth shut. So when someone talks over you and you start to feel disrespected, when somebody interrupts you and you feel disrespected, you need to call it out. Here's a couple of ways that you can do it. You can do it like Sawyer did. You can throw your hands on the table and say, Would you stop constantly interrupting and talking over me? You can also keep talking. This is a really effective thing to do if you're at work. If you're at work in a meeting and somebody interrupts you, this happens to women all the time, and somebody starts talking over you, just keep talking and keep talking louder. Or you can say, Excuse me, I was talking, and keep talking. Or you can say, Hey, Mike, I was talking. Please don't interrupt me. Calling somebody out stops the disrespect, and it empowers you because you're respecting yourself. All right, let's move on to number two. So number two, common form of disrespect that you need to call out is people in your life who are perpetually late.

Now, I have a confession to make this. It used to be me. You know, one of the embarrassing things about making this video is literally these seven types of disrespect are so common. I realized that I engaged in them in the past or I engage in them now. And you will probably as you're listening to me, realize, holy cow, perpetual lateness. Guilty as charged, Mel Robbins. That's a form of disrespect. Yes, it is. And again, people who are constantly running late, particularly those folks who don't give you a heads up if they're running late, but they breeze in 10 to 15 minutes late. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Most people who are perpetually late are very hard on themselves, and they feel bad about being late. And so they're so concerned consumed by making themselves wrong, that they don't realize that their lateness is enormously disrespectful to you. And so what you want to do if you've got somebody in your life who is running perpetually late like I used to, is you need to call it out. You just need to call it out because the person that's constantly running late is so busy beating themselves up, so busy feeling anxious because they're constantly running late, so consumed in the habit of being late and then saying, I'm sorry, and, Oh, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That they haven't been yanked out of that and pulled to a higher conversation, which is one that's like, Look, I get that you got stuff going on in your life, but when you show up 10 minutes late and I've been waiting for you, you are disrespecting my time. And if you do it again, I'm not going to make plans with you. When you put it in their behavior and how it's impacting you, most of us, when we're called out in that manner, like your lateness is a sign of disrespect, it's mortifying. And that's the truth bomb that some people need, myself included, in order to understand the impact of your behavior that you're not getting intentional about changing. And look, occasionally running late, that's one thing. But a common form of disrespect is to have somebody in your life who is perpetually late to roll your eyes, to gripe about it behind their back, but to never say anything about the fact that it actually bothers you. So when you say that it bothers you, please do not waste my time. Two things happen. You're going to cause, hopefully, a breakthrough and an awakening for the person who's perpetually late.

And you're also going to feel a jolt of respect and confidence for yourself by calling it out. The third form of disrespect that What is so common that you're probably not calling it out is when somebody is dismissive of you. So what is dismissiveness? Because it's not really being rude, the behavior is rude. But dismissiveness is When somebody's acting in a way that they are indifferent or they're disregarding you. So it's a little bit different than somebody just being flat out rude. It's this subtle behavior where, holy cow, you're picking up this sign that somebody is totally indifferent to how you feel or they're disregarding how you feel. And the most common form of this, and it is rampant, is when you're talking to somebody and all of a sudden, they start looking at their phone. Like, literally, how many times have you been in the middle of a conversation, and either your friend or your partner or your kid or somebody at work, you're talking about something and you look at your friend, and all of a sudden, they look down at their phone. That is dismissiveness. If you are sitting at a table, and you're having lunch with somebody, and you're busy having a conversation, and this person is now texting somebody that's not there, instead of being present with you, they're on their phone texting somebody that's not even present at lunch.

That is dismissiveness. And you need to call it out because number one, particularly as it relates to the phone, that's an addiction. People don't even realize that they're doing it, and it's become so ubiquitous in life that we literally don't even think about the impact that it's having on other people. And so if this is somebody, a friend, if this is a colleague, if this is somebody in your family, it's a partner, and somebody is being dismissive, they're looking at their phone, or you're pointing something, Oh my God, the full moon, and they don't even acknowledge it, that's showing indifference and disregard. And You need to call it out because that behavior is impacting you. Now, again, I'm starting to feel like the world's worst person because I'm realizing I have been called out on all this shit all the time. My husband has called me out on this, in particular with the phone, that if Mel, I'm talking to you, I want to have the experience of you paying attention. And he said to me, there's a very big difference between you you hearing me and me experiencing that you're actually listening? How many times have you had that experience where you're talking to somebody and they're on their front like, , and they're like, Are you even listening to me?

And they're like, Yeah, you said that you wanted to get pizza tonight instead of getting sushi.

Now, they heard what you said, but the way they were behaving was dismissive because they made you feel as as though they were indifferent or were disregarding what you were saying. One of the things that happened for me, because I, of course, did not realize that that behavior made Chris feel like I was indifferent or that I could care less about what he was talking about, is I actually have a basket in my kitchen where we put the phone. It's there except for when the kids take it, which they did a couple of days ago. So I'm realizing I need to actually replace the basket that's in the kitchen. And that's where the phone goes when I'm not working. And when I am with my husband, my phone is typically in my purse or on a counter. It's not on my person because if it's on my person, I tend to pick it up. And it's only in the calling it out that I have become way more conscious about this behavior. Now, what's going to happen for you when you call out somebody that's being dismissive is you are going to feel more confident.

You're going to feel more respect because you are asking for what you need in order to be respected. And that's why it's so important to call this stuff out. Again, rule number one, most people that are engaging in these common forms of disrespect don't mean to be disrespecting you. So calling it out helps them and it helps you. So let's move on to number four. Number four is when people are condescending. This one sucks. And again, this whole list is making me feel bad about myself because I'm realizing that I engage in being condescending. And so I'm going to give you an example of how subtle this can be. So my husband has this style of communicating where he asks a question out loud. So he might turn to me and say, So are we getting snow this weekend in Vermont? And in the past, without even thinking, I will turn and go, Do I look like a weatherman? I have no idea if getting snow in Vermont. Why don't you just Google it? I have no idea. So Chris is just casually asking about the weather, and I am being a condescending jerk. And so if somebody responds to a question or somebody responds to something that you're saying in a condescending way, call it out.

Chris is really good at this. I feel like I'm bringing you into a marriage therapy counseling session right now. But Chris is really good at this, so he'll literally go, Dude, you don't have to use that tone of voice. I was just asking if you knew what the weather was. I thought maybe since you're online all day, you would have seen the weather report. And it's easier to ask you, Mel, than it is to Google. When somebody points out that you're being condescending, honestly, I personally feel like a jerk. I appreciate it when somebody calls me on my tone of voice, which my kids also do, or they point out when I'm being a little bit rude and I didn't mean to. And it makes me a kinder and a nicer person. Now, what is it going to do for you? It's going to make you feel better about yourself because every time you call out somebody's tone of voice or you call out a demeaning way that they're talking to you, you feel a little bit better about yourself because you're not putting up with that crap because you don't have to. Number five common way that people are showing disrespect is when they're pressuring you.

I'm sure you've had this happen. You don't feel like going out. You don't want to get out of your sweats and get off your couch and turn off the television and go meet your friends out, even though you said that you would. This is the pressure that you get when you're like, Guys, it's been a long day at work, and I just don't want to go out. I've changed my mind. You send the text, and then what are you getting back? Oh, come on. You're such a party pooper.

You never go out anymore.

That When a pressure blows, and it's disrespectful. What you want to hear from your friends, what you want to hear from your family is, totally get it. We're going to miss you. Is there anything that you need from us? And so you need to call it out because you're not supposed to be a battering ram for that pressure just because people are annoyed that you don't want to do something that they want to do. Stand your ground, do what works for you, and do not put up with it. Because some nights, you just need to be in your sweats and you need to watch TV, and you need to do what works for you. Forget the pressure and focus on yourself. All right, let's go to number 6. Number 6, this one stinks. This is one of those forms of disrespect that when it happens to you, you're like, Did you really just say that to me? Really? And that is a backhanded compliment. Those backhanded compliments. What is a a backhanded compliment? It's like when somebody says something that in their stupidity, they think it's going to make you feel good, but underneath it, there's this underlying assumption about you that actually hits you because it is the opposite of making you feel good.

Here are some common examples of backhanded compliments. Oh, you're going back to work? That's so great. I could never let I'd let my kids be with a stranger all day. Or I'd feel so bad if I put my kids in daycare. Wait, did you compliment me about going back to work or did you slam me for putting my kids into daycare? Which one is it? Because it can't be both, right? Or how about this one? Oh, my gosh, you're so articulate for somebody who just graduated from college. Or your hair looks so professional when it's straight. You should really straighten it more often. Or, God, you look so much better without makeup. Now, the context is That's really key because there are some friends or family members that when they say something to you about the fact that you just look so good without makeup, they actually mean it. They're not saying, Boy, you do a terrible job of makeup. They actually mean it. But there's times when you get these kinds of backhanded compliments where you know that it's really not a compliment at all. We were also laughing about the fact, as we were talking about this video, my team and I, that I I could come up with this example.

I have not actually said this to my husband yet, but I realized that if I'm not careful, it would come out as a backhanded compliment. My husband has recently discovered this amazing type of pants that Lululemon makes that look like khies, but they're not really khies. They're really like performance fabric joggers. I don't really love them on my husband. I prefer when my husband wears a particular style of jeans. I just think he looks so great and so pulled together, and they're really flattering. And the problem is that these Lululemon pants that he has found are really soft, they're really comfortable, and he now wears them all the time. He wears them with clogs, not the greatest look.

When we're going out to dinner, not exactly my favorite look.

Are Are they fine around the house? Of course. Are they fine when you're doing chores? Of course. Are they fine when you're exercising? Absolutely. But this little back-handed compliment thing is making me realize that when I make the request or I compliment the fact that he's wearing jeans, I need to do it in a way that's really respectful and really empowering instead of sliding into the area of a back-handed compliment. So I'm going to work on that. All right. And the final one is a lack of consideration. This one is sneaky. It happens a lot because people get so wrapped up and focused in what they're doing that they don't realize that what they're doing is having an impact on you that feels like disrespect. Here's a scenario. You're sitting at the kitchen table and you're working on something, you're typing or you're writing or you're reading, and somebody in your family or your partner comes in, turns on the television, and starts watching television or watching a game, and it's really loud, and now you're distracted. I can give you another one because my kids do this all the time, or at least they used to until I started calling it out.

I would be cooking dinner, and all three of the kids would be on their phones, and they would be watching TikTok videos with their volume on. So all three of them are watching different videos with different sounds, all going at the same time. And none of them seem to be bothered by it. But it has a lack of consideration that feels really disrespectful. Well, it certainly feels disrespectful to me because I find it really distracting when I'm listening to three different videos playing at the same time. And so calling it out not only will point out behavior that somebody may not even realize is distracting. I mean, if you have the ability to to watch a video and just pay attention to your sound and tune out all the other sounds around you, that's a superpower. And so you don't realize that the fact that you're listening to something out loud is really disrespectful to everyone around you. I'm sure you've been on a plane or you've been on a subway or you've been just standing in line at a coffee shop and somebody's watching their phone and they got the volume up and you're like, Are you serious here?

Or they're on FaceTime with their grandma, Hey, grandma, how doing? And you're standing in line at a coffee shop? Super disrespectful. You might not call out a stranger, but you certainly want to point out to somebody, Hey, could you lower that down? Or, Hey, would you mind putting some headphones on, trying to concentrate over here on something, or it's loud. Calling that stuff, it is so important because what happens is people, again, don't realize that what they're doing is a form of common disrespect. And when you call it out, you are showing yourself some respect. And every time you do, I promise you, it's going to boost your confidence.

We're going to talk about disrespect.

Oh, okay. Did I do something? You did not.

But you speak so eloquently about how to identify when someone's disrespecting you, and then what to do. Now, here's the thing. When a stranger is disrespecting you, I think it can somewhat be easier to identify and have your going back. But what happens when you're being disrespected in a partnership? I think a lot of us may either make excuses, Oh, they're just going through a hard time, because we want the relationship to work so badly. So let's start by talking about what are the signs that you've noticed in a relationship where you have personally tried to say, Hey, I've noticed you're crossing the line here. What is that sign? And then how do you handle it?

That is a great question. So you're talking about in my relationship with Chris? Yes. Okay. What's interesting about this as it relates to Chris is I feel like he probably has more instances where I am disrespecting him because I tend to be more... I'm just more of everything. I'm the whirlwind. I'm the one with ADHD. I'm the creative force. I'm the tornado through the house. And my husband is a very centered, very pulled back, very even personality. I think there are lots of places where he has made requests that I do not follow through on.

Okay, pause it. This is freaking amazing. And here's the thing. I've heard you say that, where you were going through signs, and then you're like, Oh, I do that? Oh, I do that? And that is beautiful. And the reason why it's beautiful is it's not about necessarily just It's not about if someone's disrespecting you only, what do you do? It's the fact that, are you being the disrespect into the relationship? And are they forgiving you because they want to see good in you? And so when we talk about how to have a successful relationship, you've been with your husband for so long. I've been with my husband for so long. It's the nuance is it's the nuance. It's not just them, it is you as well.

Oh, it's 100% you. So here's the thing about somebody else disrespecting you. You know when it happens because your energy shifts in response to what they did. So I'm going to give you two examples where I'm the chief offender, okay? Actually, I cannot think of four or five.

Let's go deep, girl.

Well, it doesn't help that I am married to a man who you know well, who is a Buddhist meditation instructor. He's a certified yoga instructor. And today was day one, at the age of 53, of him beginning to get his master's degree in something called I think it's called transformational psychology, which is all about spiritual psychology and therapy. So the guy is so introspective that he is calm. He is like the opposite energy of me, and it has really worked. But there are times where I create major disorder, Lisa. I would imagine knowing you and Tom and knowing how Tom is just so and the of his brain and knowing how you are, that you probably have some of the same things. Here's an example. Cardboard boxes. I hate breaking down cardboard boxes. And we live in the age of Amazon, and so there are always cardboard boxes being delivered. I will unpack cardboard boxes, and then I neatly stack them by the door with the intention that at some point, I will come back and cut them apart and flatten them out. I never do it. I literally never do it. I will carry them out to the garbage.

They make it all the way to the garage, stacked like a Jenga puzzle, but I don't take it across. This drives Chris fucking crazy. That's one. Because he has asked me a thousand times to do it, I should do it. Because what he has said to me, Lisa, is, When you don't do this, it makes me feel like I'm the maid or the custodian in our relationship. Another example is that... This is an embarrassing thing to admit. Now I'm coming on confessions on Lisa's couch here, but I have really bad ADHD. And one of the things that I'm embarrassed to tell you... Go on. Is that I blow my nose, and I will blow my nose, and the second I'm done blowing my nose and I start walking toward the garbage can, I literally forget that the Kleenex is in my hand, and I will walk past the garbage can, and then all of a sudden, I leave it somewhere. It drives Chris crazy. The thing that I think is really important is that Chris keeps bringing it up. I've gotten way better at the cardboard box situation. He understands that I don't want to do it just then.

He likes to do it just then, but I don't like to do it just then because I'm thinking, what if I have to return this thing and I need this box? Lisa's literally zoning out already. She's like, Mel, you're fucking nuts.

No, I'm like, I get his point. I'm the one that wants you to cut the boxes, and Tom's the one that's like, Why on earth would I spend even a second of my time cutting the box? Yes, completely. Now, the reason why I think this is so important is we're joking, why? It's like, Oh, it's a couple of boxes.

But this is everything.

Exactly. Because this is the moment, or these are the moments that we all know, and I think to your point is, you do that long enough, Mel, he's going to start to build resentment.

Of course.

You know what? I think here's the other thing. It's very easy when somebody speaks to you in a demeaning way, to call that out as disrespect. It's very easy when somebody is verbally abusive, or gives you the silent treatment, to call that out as disrespect. But these small these injustices or these small passive-aggressive things that create friction inside of you, this creates this distance emotionally between the two of you. And you are exactly right. It's inside these small things that all the resentment build. And it's also inside of these moments that you start to become sequestered emotionally from one another. And so those are two examples where in our relationship, there was, on Chris's side, this deep feeling of being disrespected. On my side, the issue that kept coming up in our marriage, and this is even something that we've been talking to our marriage therapist about recently, which is we have an incredible relationship, but one of the things that really hasn't been working, and we didn't realize it, is that my addiction to being busy, which is something that I have been doing a lot of work on, makes me be 15 steps ahead of Chris.

If you're with somebody for 26 years who is always 15 steps ahead, Oh, I already booked the plane tickets. Oh, I already got a reservation. Oh, it's all handled. Basically, what happens is my over functioning and busyness has trained my husband to basically go, Why bother? Because either Mel has already handled it or if I try to do it, it won't be the right thing. And so Chris withdraws into his corner, right? While I'm out over here running 15 steps ahead. Now, while I'm out over here running 15 steps ahead, I'm going, Why is nobody planning anything for my birthday? Why am I the one that's always doing this? Why is this? And Chris over here going, I don't have this... She's not letting me contribute. And this has been something that has become this well-worn thing between us for 26 years.

Really, the thing I wanted to get to in this episode, very specifically with you, is there are signs of other people may be mistreating us. So there's a lot of women that watch this show where they're stuck in a relationship that they may not even be able to identify as toxic. And so where are those signs of the toxicity where maybe someone's manipulating you, gaslighting guiding you, stonewalling you. But the second part to it is, this is what I feel about true freaking female empowerment, homie, is you got to own your own shit. And so while I sit here and I really wanted to talk about what are these signs that someone else may be showing I asked. I absolutely wanted to talk about, well, how are you showing up? Because I don't want to be that like, Oh, well, it's them. Oh, it's them. No, no. Relationship is freaking 50/50. If you believe it's 50/50, how the hell are you showing up? And if you think you're showing up, I'm amazing. Are you really? Are you actually giving your partner what they need? And so that was where I wanted to go. How do you know the way they're behaving is based on who they are, or the way they're behaving is based on how you're responding to them?

I think it's both. So it's an excellent question. And so here's what I want to say about it. If you want to know how you are showing up, and if you want to truly improve how you participate in that relationship, simply send your partner a text that says, How can I be a better partner to you? And then ask for specifics. Chris would tell me, Well, You could flatten the cardboard boxes. You could throw out your Kleenex. You could put your phone down at 6:00 at night. You could take the dog for a walk in the morning. You could be more present. He would have a whole list of things that would make a difference. And most of us don't bother to ask. So that's number one. You're not even asking. And when you ask that question, your job is to listen and elicit more things for you to do. It is not to defend yourself or to give feedback. And so that's number one. Number two, let's just go generally to disrespect, because I answered the question by saying, you actually don't need a list of all those things because you know in your body when something's not right.

If somebody's gaslighting you and they're making you feel like you're the one going nuts because they're like, I didn't say that, and you're like, Well, yeah, you did. You feel friction in your body. You start questioning something. That is not your natural state. If the relationship works, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship, you will feel energetically aligned with the person. We are energetic human beings. The second that you are around a stranger or a friend or a parent or a sibling or a lover and something feels off or you feel any bad vibration, there is all the evidence that you need.

I'm going to throw something at you then. Because in that situation, I agree, but sometimes so many of us have taught ourselves to ignore it, taught ourselves to dull that feeling, because maybe from childhood we've been taught-We didn't teach ourselves.

We were taught to.

We were taught to. So over time, we carry that with us. And so you're 100% right. If you can acknowledge, Oh, this is uncomfortable. But I think so many of us in those moments start by going, Oh, my God, what did I do wrong? I must be going crazy. You even said it, right? So how do we break that notion of us going straight to, Oh, my God, it must be me. I must be going crazy, instead of saying, Hang on a minute, sit with I've been talking about this a lot lately, but I have spent the last two years really doing a ton of work on my own nervous system regulation and on trying to heal anxiety from the neck down in my body.

I want to say that, yes, we were all, especially as little girls, our generation, and I'm a little bit older than you, but our generation grew up with a parenting style and method of the time which is to correct children, to make them behave. It was not about connection. For many of us, there was a complete mismatch with the way that our parents communicated with us and we actually needed. And so a lot of us were taught in childhood that love is transactional, that I love you when you're behaving. I am proud of you when you get good grades. I survive that. It's no big deal. And so there were moments where the big word is separate. You felt separate from the person, your mother or your father, who you needed to feel attached to in order to be safe. And when you have an experience of feeling separate, an alarm goes off, and it could be literally something as benign as you fall. And instead of getting a hug, you're lifted up and told to get back out there. It doesn't hurt. Yeah, it doesn't hurt. It could be as simple as you really wanted to play the flute, but your parents were like, No, everybody in the family plays a trumpet.

Here you go. This moment of feeling separate, and it makes you feel unsafe. And what you get trained in is you get trained to feel like somebody's happiness and keeping everybody okay is your job. All guilt comes from one place, which is we feel guilty because we think we're responsible for somebody else being happy. That's where it all comes from. Because children can't go, Oh, mom's having a bad day. That's why she's being a bitch right now. Children Children go, Oh, I feel separate from her, and she's angry, and so something must be wrong with me. That's the source of all anxiety. It's the source of all alarm. It's this feeling of being separate and unsafe because you're not getting what you need. How this relates to toxic behavior is we are so used to making excuses for everybody else. We are so used to feeling like somebody else's okay pain us is more important than ours. We are so used to thinking that being liked and being loved means managing people's disappointment because a lot of love from the parenting style of our parents' generation is transactional. It's about correcting us. It's about... That generation was not even taught about our emotional needs.

It's not their fault. They didn't get it either. I feel like step number one is you got to understand that whenever you have that first wave. So let's just take something really simple. Your sister, who you love, when you're little, would come in and borrow your shit and not tell you. And your mom, if you got upset, would be like, Just let it go.

Right? Yeah.

And so I don't know that that happened in your house, but we had-It was probably more the other way around.

I think I was stealing her shit.

Yeah. As a mother of two daughters, I saw this all the time. And so if you're not validated in that situation, you start to feel like you don't matter. And so what happens is if you're an adult and your spouse does not slice the cardboard boxes, It actually brings up that shit from childhood that got stored in your body, that experience of being separate, that experience of being not seen, not important, not loved. And so the first alarm that goes off is the alarm from the little you that didn't get the reassurance or love in that experience from childhood. It's always triggered by moments of separateness. In your romantic relationship, I'm I've been processing this live with you right now. When I put the Kleenex on the countertop and not in the garbage can underneath because of my ADHD, I literally just have a brain like, what? Forgot about it. I didn't even remember it was in my hand. When Chris sees it, he has the same experience from childhood of nobody being home when he got home from school. He doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he asks because they have an excuse. That is what that brings up in his body.

Does that make sense? Yeah. The first thing that you need to do is to understand that that discomfort in your body, let's not call it anxiety anymore. Let's just call it it's the little you. You need to give yourself a little bit of love and reassurance just right in that moment. Because you didn't get it as a child, and your body keeps triggering it in moments of separation or moments where you feel invisible because you remember feeling that way as a kid. We all have this. Everybody has this. Then you can put your hand on your heart. You can take a deep breath. You can just be like, whatever. Whatever you need to do to go toward this thing, instead of going, something's wrong, I'm going to kill my spouse. It's like, there's such a... Just be like, Oh, whoa. I feel like there it is. That's that little me feeling invisible, feeling like I don't matter. I do matter. What Chris does now, which is super helpful, is he takes a photo of it. He doesn't touch it. He takes a photo of it. And then I always just apologize. Oh, my God. I don't even remember doing that.

I am so sorry. Thank you for leaving it for me so I can take care of it. And thank you for not throwing it out because I didn't leave it there for you. I'm trying, and I appreciate your patience. So that closes the loop. But you will never express the boundary that you need to express until you also address the alarm that keeps going off. Because you're not even giving yourself the basics of what you need. So there's no way in hell you are going to express what you need to another person. No way. And so all boundaries, they don't start with... And I don't even like saying a toxic person. I like saying toxic behavior because then it puts it on you. I'm not a toxic person, but I engage in toxic behavior. This is powerful. Right? And here's why I like calling it toxic behavior versus a toxic person. We are in too much of a cancel culture. We ghost people. We label people and toss them to the side. I believe that every human being is capable of changing. I also believe that if you want people to become better, whether that's better in terms of their mental health or better in terms of their habits or addictions or beliefs or whatever it may be, you have to fucking create room for people to change.

And by labeling When you're saying somebody as toxic and then just tossing them out the window, you are not identifying the behavior that doesn't work for you. And when you start to go, the behavior of you giving me the silent treatment is toxic behavior, and this is what my boundary is with it. Now look, I realize your comments are not going to blow up with people who have been in relationships with narcissists. They are toxic. Maybe. Their behavior is toxic. But isn't it also toxic for you to gossip to your girlfriends and not do anything about it? Isn't it also toxic for you to beat yourself up in your head and not leave a situation like that? And by the way, don't you dare sit here and accuse me of saying anybody deserves anything. What I'm trying to say, because nobody Nobody deserves to be abused. What I'm trying to say is it's real easy to point the finger, but the power is in looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for what you're going to do. And having been a... I worked a domestic violence hotline as a crisis intervention counselor for four years.

There is the psychological entrapment. There are very real reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. That's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about your garden variety bullshit that happens in a lot of relationships. Being passive-aggressive, not asking for what you need, not pointing out what somebody is doing wrong, but gossiping about them instead. Tolerance operating the same crap over and over and over again and never saying anything, which is like the reverse form of the silent treatment, because nobody is going to get better if you don't tell them what they're doing wrong. One of the things that I also do it's toxic, is we have been in the middle of renovating a house in Southern Vermont. Our son is going to the public high school up there. And so my husband Chris and I have literally been back and forth and back and forth, and back and forth between our house that we have lived in for 26 years outside of Boston while we're renovating this place in Southern Vermont, and it's a three-hour drive. And while we were under renovations, I couldn't be filming videos there or doing virtual speeches there. I had to be in Boston.

And so I would go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And it was exhausting. But here's my toxic behavior. Whenever Chris would go, Why don't I come down? Oh, no, it's okay. You don't need to make the drive. I'll be up on Friday. And so my other toxic behavior in this relationship is literally not letting him help me. And then being burnt out and pissed off that you never come see me? Yeah.

And then building that resentment as well. But it's actually not true. It's a full story that you're telling yourself. Yes.

Because my toxic behavior is I just got to take care of myself. I'm not used to somebody else taking care of me. It's just what it was like as a little girl, I take care of everybody's emotions.

It doesn't work.

It doesn't work. I think a couple of things that we've covered so far. Number one, all you need to know about toxic behavior and that disrespect is that you will feel tension or you will feel some something in your body, friction in your body. There's your sign. Second thing that you've learned is that a lot of times that alarm that's going off when you're either experiencing disrespect or you're disrespecting yourself, that is a stored memory in your body from being a little kid and feeling separate or invisible. So step number two, after recognizing it, is give yourself a little love, give yourself a hug. There's a super cool technique that Dr. Russell does where you take a towel and you pull a towel like this around you. Oh, like giving yourself a hug, but you do it actually not like this, but with a towel. It's really cool. And then the third thing is, once you've turned off the alarm, now ask yourself, what is the request you need to What is it about the thing that the person said or the thing that they did that is triggering this in you? The thing about giving another human being feedback is I think it's really important to make sure you understand how to explain the impact that their behavior is having on you.

Because if you just go somebody and say, Can you please just do the freaking cardboard boxes? Or Chris would get really upset with me and be like, They can't pick up the cardboard boxes unless they're cut up. Now I'm being made wrong. Then I'm going to, of course, it's human instinct to defend yourself when you're made wrong. But when Chris comes to me and says, If the boxes sit for more than 24 hours, I know you're not coming back to get them. And that means that you believe I'm going to do it for you. That makes me feel like I'm your hired helper. What I'm asking is I'm okay with you leaving the boxes stacked like a puzzle for 24 hours because I know you might need one of them to ship something back. But either set an alarm on your phone and slice them down, or come to me and ask me if I can do it for you. So in addition to telling what's the behavior, how does it make you feel and why? And the third piece is, this is what I need you to do because you know what you need the person to do.

You know what's not working, you know why it's causing friction, and that is all you need to do you need to do in your relationship. And so now you've taken care of this alarm that goes off that comes from childhood that makes you feel separate or invisible or unlovable or unloved. You have soothed yourself, which means your You're now giving yourself what you need, and now you're empowered to ask somebody else by saying, This is the behavior. This is how it makes me feel. Because when Chris tells me that's how it makes me feel, I feel like a fucking asshole because I love I don't want him to feel like that because that's not what I mean. And so when I know the emotional connection to executing this task, I am 10 times more likely to do it. Because a cardboard box stacked by a door does not mean anything to me.

I want to talk to you about my favorite phrase when it comes to motivating yourself. And I know if you've followed me for a while, you have heard me say this phrase before, but this is so accurate. It's so motivating. Before I tell you what this phrase is, let me ask you, have you ever had an experience where you were so frustrated with yourself because you knew that there were things that you wanted to start doing, or there were changes that you wanted to make, or things that you wish you could prioritize, and you just couldn't seem to pull yourself out of the day-to-day grind. That no matter how much you thought about it or contemplated it or just wanted things to change, that whether it was self-doubt or fear or the demands of your day day-to-day life, you just couldn't seem to make traction on changing. I see some of you going, Yeah, I feel like I'm trying constantly, and nothing's gaining traction. I feel frustrated all the time because as much as I think about the things that I really want to be doing, I don't see myself making forward progress. It's almost like when When I was in high school, when I was in high school, I had a gerble named Ralph.

Let me tell you about this gerbil. This gerbil made me angry, honestly. The reason why this gerble made me angry is because he was really, really quiet during the day. Like he would nestle into his little shredded thing in the corner. And he never was that social or interested when I was walking into the room. And I'll tell you what, the second, the second that I would turn off the lights in my bedroom to go to sleep, That freaking gerble would get on that wheel and just. And do you ever have a pet like that? Very nocturnal. We currently have a cat, Mr. Noodle. I see somebody going, Until midnight.

Oh, my gosh.

When I get into those modes where there's something that I really want to do, I feel this friction and this frustration with myself because I know that I'm not as happy as I could be. I know that there's a change I need to make. I know that I'm focused on the wrong stuff. I know that my emotions are getting the best of me. I often feel like my mind is my gerble Ralph on the hamster wheel, just spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. So can you relate to that? Can you relate to that? Yeah, of course you can, because that is such a common experience. I'm knowing this thing that you want, and you can Just reach it. But you don't have that sensation that you're actually grabbing it. I'm so glad that so many of you relate to this because I've been thinking about this a lot, and now I am, of course, overheating, I'm going to take off my sweater. That's what happens when you're 53. I think about this a lot because I see even people that I love struggling with this. We have a daughter who is a singer-songwriter studying pop music out at USC.

She's got all the talent, all the resources, all the skills, and there's always something that is stopping her from just starting to put music out, right? Or Maybe you can relate to that in health. You really are like, this is the year, this is the year. For me, I keep thinking, I got to take some time to get the hormone thing, just understand it. What food should I even be eating? I think about it like that hamster on the wheel, but I can't seem to make myself launch forward. Another example I can give you is for years, everybody, I dreamt of launching a podcast, and I would watch all these people that I admire out in the world launching a podcast, and I would just spin and spin and spin and spin and spin and spin. I'm so glad that you can relate to this. Tell me, is there some project or some area of your life or a business or a goal or some change that you want to make that you feel feel like you think about all the time, but you just can't seem to push through all of that thinking or push through the fatigue or the overwhelm or how do I get started, right?

You can't seem to just push through. Is there some area of your life where you feel that way? If so, I want you to write it in the comments, okay? I see I want to work with animals. I see somebody going, Oh, my gosh, I keep thinking I'm thinking about doing a TikTok account. Oh, I want to get control of my addiction. Oh, I want to launch a business. Oh, I really want to get a degree, but I feel like it's too late. And you may be telling yourself that things just feel like it's too late, Mel. Like, I got a divorce, and now it feels like my life is frozen, I see some of you saying. I feel like ever since I got the divorce or the pandemic hit, or I lost the job, or I took the wrong job, or I moved to the wrong place, or I realized that I wanted to start this thing, and I started it, but now it's stalled out, and I'm embarrassed to keep starting. I want to finish my PhD. I want to be I'm consistent with the gym. I want to get back to creating art.

I see all this stuff that you all are writing down. It's beautiful. I see so many of you saying that you have a little side hustle, and you know that you want to turn your attention towards it, but you just can't seem to literally push through whatever it is, the fear, the overwhelm, the busyness of your life, to laser focus on what really matters to you. And I think that's why it's so painful because you're not going to stop really wanting and longing for those things that you keep thinking about everybody. They're going to linger for the rest of your life. You're going to have to, at some point, make a decision decision that it is important enough to you to make changes so that the thing that you want to see happen or the life that you don't want to miss out on or the degree that you always longed to get or the way that you want to feel in your body or the energy, for me, a big theme recently has been about loneliness. I am so lonely in my personal life because of the pandemic, because our kids have launched, because we're moving to Vermont, because I'm always working.

I can see very clearly that I have tried to solve loneliness in my personal life by working all the time. And that's not the right solution for loneliness. And so I even see all this. And so I'm glad that you can see an area of your life where you feel feel this friction and tension because you know that you want to focus more time and energy there. But there's so much resistance, and there's so much friction, and there's so much else going on that it is robbing you of the ability to push forward toward the life that you really want to be living. And look, it's not going to happen overnight. But so let me tell you, let me tell you this sentence, this truth about life that I truly love, that always kicks me in the rear end, honestly. And here it is. No one is coming. That's it. No one's coming. No one is going to come into your life and do the work for you. No one is going No one is going to come into your life and just remove your problems. No one is going to come into your life and make your dreams come true.

When it comes to the changes that you want to make, when it comes to the things that you long for in your heart, when it comes to the music that you want to put out into the world, or the TikTok account that you want to create, or the degree that you want to get, or the life you want to build after divorce, or after your partner dies, or after you change jobs or after the kids launch, when it comes to those things that you deeply long for, deserve, and desire, no one's coming. You are not too late. If you're breathing, you're watching this video, you have plenty You have plenty of time to create a life that makes you happy, to create a life that is full of meaning for you, whatever that means. You have plenty of time to take control, to heal. It is so important for you to hear that, that you have plenty of time. But no one's coming. At some point, you have to make a decision. You'll often hear me say you're one decision away from a different life, a better life. But You have to make the decision.

No one's coming to make the decision for you. You have to decide that you are done feeling beaten up. You're done feeling lost. You're done feeling stuck. You're done feeling isolated. That all that crap that you've been enduring, you're freaking done. You have to decide that. And what's interesting is that once you decide, you realize no one's coming. I often joke that I'm not the expert that really learns this stuff by reading it in a book. Unfortunately, I'm a stubborn learner. So my life has required me to either fall into a hole or dig one for myself. And then I wallow at the bottom of the hole, feeling sorry for myself and stuck and frustrated and angry. And then I realized, oh, my God, nobody's coming. If I want to get out of this hole that I'm in, emotionally, financially, health-wise, in my career, whatever the hole may be, I got to build a ladder. And it's that decision. I'm not staying here. I don't know where I'm going, but it's not here. It's that decision, the decision that no one's coming to do this for me. I'm deciding that I want more. I'm deciding that these last two years where I felt like I got thrown into a dryer and life just tumbled me around, and all of a sudden the dryer stopped and I'm in there covered in lint and beaten up and staticky, we got to kick the door open, people.

We got to make a decision that all that crap that you just struggled through and that you learned through, that it happened so that you could wake up and you could literally I'm literally making a decision that the next freaking chapter of your life, you're not going to be unhappy. You're not going to just get by. You are going to make a decision that you are going to do the work to change. Change. And here's what's fascinating. Once you decide, that's it. That's it. I'm changing. That's it. I'm going to do the work, whatever it takes. I made a decision that our kids have left this house that we've raised them in. I'm here alone all the time working. I'm like, I'm miserable. I got to change. I can't just hold on and grip to what I know, especially if it's making me unhappy. And here's the thing. Letting go, deciding that it's time for a change, that's a lot easier than gripping onto stuff that's no longer meant to you. And so when you make a decision, and I see so many of you going, my life fell apart after divorce. My life blows because of my job.

My life has been in stuck mode ever since this person I love died, or my life is just boring, and I'm miss having fun. When you have that wake up moment and you're like, Oh my God, nobody's going to come and do this for me. No friends are showing up to bring the party bus. If I want to have my life feel like a party bus, I got to be the one that actually is driving it. You know what I'm saying? Here's the cool thing. No one's coming. Once you make that decision, here's the cool thing. Everybody shows up when you ask for help. Everybody shows up when you ask for help. Do not try to change on your own. I tried that for so long. Yes, it's your responsibility. Yes, you need to do the work, but don't do it on your own. Do not do that. I just got a text about 11 minutes ago from a really good friend of mine. I'm not going to say who my friend is because many of you probably know who this person is because she has a large social media following, and she's absolutely amazing.

She reached out to me sheepishly, and she I said, a couple of people have been asking me if I would speak at a big event. I know nothing about this. I'm scared to do it, but I've decided that this is something I want to try. Now, she made a decision that this is something she wants to walk toward, even though she's scared. Did you notice what she did? She didn't try to figure it out on her own. She reached out to me to ask for help. Now, I'm going to coach her.

I'm going to tell her everything I know.

I have been the most booked female speaker in the world for years. I am one of the most successful, motivational speakers on the corporate circuit ever on the planet, male or female. And so there are so many mistakes I made trying to do it on my own. When I think about how much I have learned about things like speaking or podcasting or even my marriage or raising kids, the The take that I make when I try to do it on my own? Holy cow. Talk about headache and heartache. She's so smart. She made a decision to walk towards something she wants, but that she's afraid of. And then she asked for help. Because the secret is once you know that you don't want to be where you are, that's all you need to know in order to change your life. I don't know where I'm going. I just don't know what... I don't want to stay here. That's a starting spot. That's perfect. That means you started. That's the first rung of the ladder. I'm not staying where I am. The next run is literally figure out what people who have what you want, whether it's just people who are happy or what are you doing that you're not doing?

There's a little bit of the map. And then you got to ask for help. And so I can think of times in my life where I have been When trying to do something new, whether it's fix an issue in my marriage, I don't do that on my own. Are you kidding me? My husband and I, we go to a marriage therapist and ask for help. We talk to very close friends of ours about what's going on and ask for help. When I get serious about wanting to make a change, it's the new Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins, for the first 45 years, I would try to do it in secret. I would try to figure it out on my own. I was embarrassed to tell people that I needed structure and accountability, and I needed to be told what to do, and I needed somebody to bring some energy. And so I don't do that anymore. That's one of the reasons why my success has skyrocketed. And it's what I'm also doing with now the other areas of my life: happiness, balance, ease, a better business model. I'm freaking asking for help. I'm surrounding myself with people that bring the energy, and bring the accountability, and bring the structure.

And that's That's exactly what my friend did by texting me, Hey, I know this person that's ahead on the path. Now that I know and I've taken the steps, I'm asking her to give me advice to tell me what to do. And so while no one's coming, which I hope is a freaking wake-up call for you, I hope that's exactly what you needed to hear right now. In fact, tell me in the comments, what does no one's coming mean to you? And don't be snarky and sexual about it. I know I It went viral on TikTok because some kids made fun of me for saying that. But seriously, what does that mean when you think about your dreams, or you think about your life, or you think about what you want, that no one is going to come in here and do this work for you, that no one is going to heal you. No one is going to do what you need to do to have the breakthrough that you need in order to create the life that I do not want you to miss out on. So once you make that decision that you are literally done with where you are, that you are going to do the work, well, now I'm here.

So I have to tell you, I want to help you. I want to be your coach. I'm just going to ask. I want to be your coach. If you have ever thought, wow, how cool would it be to have Mel Robbins as my coach? This is actually the only opportunity you're we're going to get in 2022. I have decided after reading your DMs, and after reading your emails and after seeing what you have gone through through this pandemic, I'm so proud of you And guess what? It's time to freaking launch. It's time to launch forward. It's time to shake off the negativity, the sadness, the stuckness, the isolation. And it's time to take control of your life. And that's why I want to be your coach. Seriously.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family.

I love you.

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