It's your friend Mel, and you and I are sitting here, and I was just confessing to you that I did a whole worry spiral this morning, and I'm teaching you one of my favorite tools, the six-sentence word, what if it all works out? We need to know that it is painful to stand there and be terrified that you're going to not be able to say goodbye to somebody that you love because you're scared of flying, and now you're sitting in an airplane seat. And when you say to yourself, What if it all works out? You know what it's like? It's like, Okay, life just fired an arrow at you, and I want you to stop and think right now, okay? What is an arrow that life fired at you? And think about something going on in your life right now. And in order to get you thinking about this, I'm going to bring in our global audience because I knew I wanted to talk about this. So we put up something on Instagram real quick, and you guys respond like, Oh, my gosh, moths to a flame. It's incredible. I love you. And I asked, What What would your life be like if you didn't worry about anything?

And what are you worrying about right now? And so let me tell you some of the arrows that life is throwing at people. I'm scared of flying. This is Sylvia. I always worry because I feel out of control that I'm going to die on the plane flight. Here's the second arrow, you ready? That she's firing. What if I can't say goodbye? What if this is it? That's the second arrow. It's fine to be I'm afraid of flying, but why are you torturing yourself with all these horrible thoughts? Instead, I want you to reach up and grab that second arrow that you're aiming at yourself with your worries in midair. I want you to yank it out of the air by going, What if it all works out? What if this plane lands? What if I not only get to see all these people that I love and say goodbye, but I'm the last one standing in my family? I outlive them all. What if it all works out? Here's another one. Maggie, annual reviews are coming up. Boom, that's an arrow in the heart. That's the first arrow. It is nerve-wracking. That's true. But why does Maggie need to go, What if I get fired?

What if I'm the one that gets laid off? What's going to happen to my kids? How am I going to pay for groceries? That is the second arrow. That's why you need, what if it all works out? You reach up, you grab it, you grab it, you grab it, you grab it. Here's another one. Here's a really, really important one from Gabby. I'm going through a divorce. Boom. Arrow straight to the heart. Even when you know it's the best thing, it's still painful, isn't it? That's what happens in your life. But the second arrow, what if I never, ever have the life that I actually want? You got to stop that shit from hitting your head. You got to stop firing that stuff right at yourself. That's why you got to reach up with these six words, what if it all works out? What if it all works out? What if getting divorce is painful, but it's the best thing that ever happened to me? What if this divorce is really challenging right now, but I'm going to emerge stronger and a better version of myself, and my kids are going to be better, and that's going to open the door to me being in a healthier, more supportive relationship?

What if this is the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it's the hardest thing that ever happened to me? Isn't that awesome? This is how you stop firing that second arrow at yourself. Here's another one. There are natural disasters in the news all the time in the area that I live in. That's an arrow. Every time you see a natural disaster. But why do you have to fire the second one at yourself? What if the mudslide takes out my house? What if the volcano erupts here? What if the flood's come and they wipe out that thing? It hasn't happened yet. So why on earth are you causing yourself this pain? I'll tell you why. Because we're used to doing it. This is what we do reflexively. Life fires an arrow, and then we fire the second one. And so this is why what if it all works out isn't just putting lipstick on a pig or icing a shitty situation over with some positive gloss. This is actually using science to combat your shitty habits of torturing yourself. This is you intervening with logic. Because if something bad hasn't happened, how does worrying about it help you right now?

If you don't know what's actually going to happen, how does worrying about it, or assuming the worst case, going to make things better? It's not. In fact, you experience the pain twice because you experience the anticipation of it. And let's just say you are going to get fired. And look, I've been fired twice. I've been literally brought into somebody's office and told, I'm doing a terrible job, and let go. It is the worst. And then the second you leave, once you get over the humiliation of the whole thing, it's the most liberating thing that ever happens to you because you typically only get fired from a job that you can't stand anyway, or that you know that you're not performing in, which is the case. But I knew it was coming. I just could feel it. I tortured myself for a month. I didn't need to do that because it didn't change the outcome. If anything, it made me experience it over and over and over. I'll tell you, anticipating it, way worse than what actually happened. If I had just said to myself for those 30 days, What if it all works out now?

What if you do get fired and it's the best thing that ever happened? What if you're not going to get fired, but this is wake-up call for you to step it up and actually start performing a little bit better? It allows you to stop experiencing so much pain. Actually, yesterday, I did this before I flew to Salt Lake because I was racing around the house. I couldn't find my freaking computer charger. I couldn't find my passport. I couldn't find the bag that I normally put my travel equipment in. And I was racing around. I was freaking out. I was like, Oh, my God. I only have 15 minutes before I got to go. What if I don't find them? And I was like, Mel, stop. What if it all works out? What if you suddenly find the charger? Or better yet, you're an adult, you can get to an airport and buy a charger. So instead of literally firing arrows at yourself, you could stop firing it and focus. And that's why this is super, super important. I'm going to talk about the other reason why it's critical that you not escalate situations with this unnecessary worrying.

Here, let me give you some other ones from our audience. Oh, Natalie. Anytime I see somebody else happy, boom, arrow to the heart. That's what's happening around you. Then she fires a second one. What if I'm never going to find my person? Does worrying about that help you find your person? No. It actually makes you feel more insecure. This is where I want to go next, because here's the thing. There is a profound connection between catastrophizing and aiming aiming these arrows at yourself and the pain that you feel and how it impacts your ability to problem-solve, to think clearly. This all comes from research out of UCLA from Dr. Judith Willis. I wrote about this extensively for my research in the High Five Habit book. We interviewed Dr. Judith Willis for that book and dug into her research. She is pioneering all of this research around the connection between your nervous system and the ability for you to do what's called executive function. Executive function is basically the frontal lobe, the prefrontal cortex part of your brain, your forehead, basically, for those of us everyday people. It's your ability to problem-solve. It's your ability to make strategic decisions.

It's your ability to think clearly. When you start aiming that second arrow, My daughters must have fallen off a cliff. I haven't heard from her. Something terrible has happened. I'm going to get fired. I'm never going to be happy again. I'm never going to get this weight off. And the pain and the pain, and the pain that comes with doing that to yourself. It sets off the alarm, the fight or flight or freeze part of your nervous system, the sympathetic nervous system, it's called. And when the alarm nervous system is going off, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. It impacts decision making. It impacts your ability to focus. It impacts your ability to problem-solve. And so you're not only firing a second arrow at yourself, which causes so much pain, you are also firing that arrow right into the center of your forehead, and it impacts your ability to think clearly, to solve a problem. And here's why this is important. Let's just say, for those of you that are really skeptical, and you're like, But Mel, what if something bad does happen? What if your daughter did fall off of a cliff, and she's laying there with a broken clavicle, and she needs help?

I'll tell you what. If I don't hear from her in 72 hours, I need to move into problem solving mode, right? Is it going to help me solve a problem halfway around the world if I've shot an arrow into the center of my forehead and I've worked myself into such a state that I can't think clearly? No. And so even if the worst-case scenario that you're terrified about happens, your ability to face it, to problem-solve through it, to think clearly about your options, it is severely impaired by this constant worrying that you are doing. And that's why this is so important. What if it all works out? It doesn't guarantee that it will. It guarantees that you will stay calm, that you will stay focused, that you will that you will stay present, and that you will stay positive until you know otherwise. And that's everything. All right, I'm going to hit the pause real quick. I got to run to the bathroom because I have a feeling that I'm going to be talking to you right up until the time I got a race out of this hotel room to go give a speech.

Don't go anywhere. I got more that I want to share with you, including a lot of really cool research. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your pal Mel, and we're talking about the six words that I use that magically just boom, silences the worry spiral and my anxiety. What if it all works out? Okay. Another thing I'm going to confess to you is that until I stumbled on this, what if it all works out? I didn't realize how much I was doing this to myself. I basically walked around life with a second arrow in my head because I was constantly worried about something, constantly thinking something bad was going to happen. Some of the experts that we've had on this podcast that talk about trauma or talk about the impact of growing up in a chaotic household or experiencing abuse or being the person that felt like as a kid, you were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You were super hyper vigilant. This is very, very common for people like us. That is me, Nice. Looking around the corners. What is the bad thing that's going to happen? Anticipating things. And what I'm here to tell you is that if you start to really lean into what I'm talking about, which is how you aim the second arrow at your forehead, and you Start utilizing, well, what if it all works out to grab the second arrow, yank it out of your forehead, and be present in the moment, and not escalate things until necessary.

You can still tap into your intuition. You can still look around corners, which is a superpower for you. But you don't have to add on the pain that all of the negative thoughts are creating. And there's so much research about this. First of all, stress can actually lead to physical pain. This comes from Dr. Arthur Barsky, who's a Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, where they've done these studies about how stress can lead to physical pain. And let me tell you something, when you start allowing yourself to worry, I'm not going to get into college. I'm not going to be finding love after my spouse has died, or I'm never going to get this weight off, or I'm not going to get control of this. When you start doing that to yourself, it does cause physical pain. You know this. How many times have you been so stressed out or worried that you get a headache, or you've been worried before a test, and you get nauseous, don't you? Or you start shaking, or your stomach is twisting a nut. That's why we say twisting a nut, because that's what it feels like. It's physical pain.

And a lot of times, it begins from your nervous system getting triggered. That's the first arrow, and the second arrow is your thoughts. So they've done all of this interesting research, and what they have been able to prove in studies is that the neural pathways in your brain that indicate physical pain, the same ones light up when you have a painful thought. And it is painful to think that you're never going to be happy. It is painful to think you're not going to see your loved ones again. It is painful to think that you're never going to achieve your dreams or that you're never going to amount to something. That's why I want you to stop it. Scientists have also done this really interesting study where they looked at math anxiety. So math anxiety is literally just feeling stressed out and worried when you're about to do math problems. And the anticipation of doing math prompts a similar brain reaction as when you experience pain. And the researcher, who is a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago, and the leading expert on math anxiety, said that it is the equivalent of burning one's hand on a hot stove.

And I love knowing this research because it allows you to stop and go, Huh? It is true. Because it is painful. It's painful to think these thoughts. And that's why I want you to really steal these six words from me. What if it all works out? I also want you to steal this Buddhist teaching and proverb that when misfortion or stress or something doesn't meet your expectations or something painful happens in your life, that is the first arrow. Hits you right in the heart. But the second arrow is the one that you fire back at yourself into the center of your forehead based on what you think about what just happened. And that's the piece that you have control over. Yes, you will always think negative thoughts, but you don't have to escalate it. You don't have to stay there. And you can use these six words, what if it all works out? And logic to pause that spiral and to question your thinking. And when you question yourself, what if it all works out? The fact is, It just might, right? You don't know. You haven't even entertained that possibility because you've been so busy firing arrows at your forehead.

You didn't even stop to think, well, there's a whole different possibility here. Based on the research of State, 91% of the time, that's the possibility. So what the hell am I all worked up about? Because getting worked up, as we know, based on the research at UCLA and from Dr. Judith Willis, it doesn't help me. And here's the final piece. I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to face the things that are painful in your life. I also believe in your ability to problem-solve and to rise to these moments where life is painful and life is challenging. If something bad is going to happen, I want you to not face it with an arrow on your head. I want you to have your full capacity to think clearly, to ask for help, to solve whatever issue is happening in your life. And that's why this is also important. It's because between now and whenever something If something amazing or something terrible happens in your life, you have the ability to be more present and to assume good intent and assume a positive outcome. And that is going to help you both enjoy your life But it's also going to help you face things if they do, in fact, turn out to be hard, which we know, based on the research, is about 6% of the time.

Those are odds I'm willing to play with. I'm willing to play with those odds. I'm willing to bet that things are okay. I'm willing to bet on you and me and our ability to be more positive, to be more optimistic, to be more trusting, and to live in that space until we know otherwise. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? I think it does, too. When you train yourself to reach up and grab that second arrow before it hits your forehead, because you don't know. You don't know. So you might as well coach yourself, to think something positive will happen. You might as well learn how to default to positive ideation, where you say, This could be the best thing that ever happens to me. This isn't easy, but I trust that I'm going to grow through it. I don't know what I'm doing, but I think I can figure it out. This is more difficult than I thought it would be, but boy, am I proud of myself for doing this? When you can default to positive ideation, I haven't heard from her in two days. She must be having the time of her life.

I haven't heard from I saw her in two days, but I saw that sunrise, which means she's probably so busy with all the friends she made up there because she was also taking photos of other people up there. She must be so busy. She didn't have time to talk to her mother. And wouldn't that be the most amazing thing that could happen if you went on a four-month solo backpacking trip as a 24-year-old woman, to be so caught up in the moment that you don't have time to check in at home. Boy, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing? And that's what I am telling myself, because that's what I believe is true. And research shows that getting your mind to focus on positive thoughts, positive outcomes, visualizing, Hey, what would it look like if this all works out. Scientists call this positive ideation. It is so effective in beating down that worry. So I want you to try it. Because, hey, what if you use these six words and it all works out.

Our worth is our worth. And when we worry with others, we feel validated. We hear our worth. We see it in the support that others give us. We get that social proof that we are valued no matter what. Whatever you do, don't worry alone. That's when we get into trouble. So reach out for support. We think as parents, our job is to raise self-reliant independent adults, and that is an important thing to do. But there is a more profound lesson that our kids need to learn if we want to raise them to be healthy, and that is the skills of interdependence, how to rely on others and how to have others rely on them in healthy ways. And so that's where the don't worry alone comes from, is part of the skills that I'm trying to teach my kids of interdependence.

Oh, wow. That's so important. You're right. We do focus on pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and being self-reliant and taking responsibility, that modeling healthy connection and interdependence, getting support when you need support, talking about your feelings, that we got to model that, too. And if you're not, you're teaching somebody to suffer in silence the way that so many of us have for generations. One other thing that I love that you wrote about was this idea that being good enough stuff is way better than being perfect. Why is that?

Yes. So I talk about this in the book that when my oldest was born, almost 18 years ago, I thought about going back to graduate school to get a PhD in psychology so that I could be the perfect parent with the latest research. Crazy, right? Yes. And what I found is that perfection as a parent does not serve me, and it does not serve my kids. What serves us both better is this idea of being good enough. And the good enough mother is responsive to her kids needs. She doesn't meet every need because she can't. No one can. But to be responsive, to acknowledge it, to validate the need, and to do the best that you can do. And that takes us off the hook as parents, not needing to be perfect. And it helps our kids regulate their emotions when they get a little bit disappointed and frustrated that they can't have the perfect parent in this situation.

It reminds me of this thing that you wrote, that the difference between getting a 91% on a test and a 99% is having a good life.

That is it. As parents, I certainly fell into this trap myself. The idea that we had to put our needs behind our kids at every turn. I certainly subscribe to that idea of needing to be the perfect mother. And then I realized that I was getting burnt out. And I would say the thing that really changed my mind about all of this is the research. The number one intervention for any child in distress is to make sure the primary caregiver, most often the mother or the father, that their well-being, their mental health is intact because a child's resilience rests fundamentally on their caregiver's resilience. And caregiver's resilience rests fundamentally on the depth and support of their relationships.

I want to make sure everybody heard that. You're saying that based on the research, if there is a child that is struggling, the most important intervention that works to help the struggling child is to give the caregiver of that child deeper levels of support. Yes. If you're somebody that's listening to us right now, and you're like, Jenny Mel, that sounds great, but I don't have anybody, or I don't even know where to start, or who the hell am I going to ask? Because everyone that I know is also burnt out. You have a framework for this. Can you lay it out for everybody listening?

Sure. So this is a study that was originally started by Sonja Luthar, one of the leading researchers in the world on resilience. And she did a series of studies, including people who were busy mothers and also had a busy professional life. And she wanted to find out if one hour a week for three months, one hour a week with a small group of four to five people in the same world, if they could be sources of support for each other. And what she found was no mother bowed out, even when the busyness of their professional and home lives were calling for them. One hour a week, they met, they talked about their struggles, and at the end of it, she measured their cortisol levels. Those had lowered. She measured well-being, relationships with their kids, and relationships with their parents. And what she found was that you only need one hour of deliberate support a week. One hour.

For those of you going, but I don't know where to get it. Churches have free daycare, and they have a lot of support groups. That would be a great place to start. Community centers, looking in your town's Facebook pages for events that are going on. You're not going to find it sitting on your couch complaining to yourself about it. You're going to have to put yourself out there. You also say it's critical that we tell our kids and our colleagues and our friends our failure stories. What does that mean?

So my daughter was in seventh grade, and she considered herself a good writer, and her seventh grade teacher gave her her paper back, and it had red marks. All over the place. So she was so discouraged. And I said, Caroline, come to my computer. And I pulled up an early article I had written for the Washington Post Science section, and it was edited by a really seasoned, wonderful editor. And it What is a bloodbath. I mean, there were comments. There was, I don't understand this. Can you add more here? I need another interview. Where is this study? And my daughter was like, Oh, my God, I can't believe they let you write for them. And I've been writing for them for 10 years now. And I said, see, at first, I was embarrassed. I told her to need all that work, to see all those red marks. And then I thought about it a different way. I said, Oh, this person is trying to invest in me. They are trying to make me a better writer. So I welcome feedback, is what I said to my daughter. I sometimes even say out loud to myself in my office, well, that's enough for the day.

Because I have a tendency to overwork, and so I have to put the brakes on myself. And I want to model that out loud to my kids.

You have a nicer way of saying. I'm always like, Well, I just fucked up again. And then they're like, Mom, dollar in the swear jar. I'm like, I'm going to be paying for your college tuition with the amount I'm swearing around here because I screw up all the freaking time. Can you talk a little bit about that tenor and the content of the nudge versus that just almost like you're behind enemy your minds beating yourself down?

Well, the positive voices just need an ally because the negative voices have so much of an advantage. It is that human evolution anthropological bias towards the negative. So the negative tends to get louder over time. It tends to feed and foster itself more than the positive. So the positive requires nurturing. Just in That's the way, I think people who are very good at gardening recognize that the weeds grow faster than the flowers. So we need to be very attentive to nurturing the good things and to what are the negative things and where do they come from? So I'm very, very curious, where did those negative voices come from? And then we look at those and explore them. And if we're taking care of ourselves, then people just feel a sense of humility. This comes with feeling good, with recognizing, wow, that there's a lot out there in the world that is difficult and that can be scary and that I cannot control. But I am taking care of myself. I did that hard thing of Leaving that relationship or shifting that job to feel proud of ourselves. Humility, I think, is more a feeling state.

Then when a person is in that feeling state, we approach the world through the lens of gratitude, and gratitude being very, very active, where I can feel a sense that I'm grateful even for myself, that I've strived to get myself to a certain place. And if something doesn't go well, I don't want to beat myself up for that. How do I make myself the best that I can be instead of beating up on myself? And we can bring that to others, this sense of humility and then active gratitude, where we start to become unshackled from the past. I'm grateful that I'm here and doing the best I can. If it starts at home and I'm fair with myself, am I more likely to be fair with you? That's how what you said about our relationships with our kids goes to all relationships and settings and people in our lives, including ourselves. If we take care of ourselves, all that complexity on lower levels can reduce down to things that are actually much more simple. Good mental health is consistent with simplicity. It's just hard to get there. We see that people get to the places, like people who grow, who get happier as they grow older.

It's an interesting demographic of people. One would think, why would anyone get happier? We accumulate aches and pains, and we worry about our mortality. But people do get happier when they're taking good care of themselves. We see these common factors of a sense of humility, approaching the world through the lens of gratitude, a sense of being self-aware and being at one's best and prioritizing self-care. This is how people grow old healthily. And because those things are so common, we can learn from them and we can strive towards them amidst all the complexity in our own minds and in our own lives.

I Absolutely want to jump to how do we do this? But I want to first address something, which is for so many people, the idea of turning inward and going toward those thoughts, particularly the ones that are scary or negative or intrusive, or that are tied to very traumatic experiences that we'd rather try to forget or ignore. It's like staring at a dark tunnel. And I'd love to have you speak to the why. Like, what is in it for somebody who... I think about my mom, for example, and she literally just says, I'm sure I have I'm sure I have anxiety. Why the hell would I want to go talk to a therapist? What am I going to do? Find out I don't like my life? It's okay. And there is so much resistance to looking inside and going, there. So, Dr. Conti, what if you're scared about opening up a can of worms or revisiting the things that you tried to forget?

Well, this This is very, very natural. In fact, this is the default, is to become ashamed of what it is that we don't want to look at, to become afraid of what it is that we don't want to look at. So then we hide from it and it grows. I find it remarkable that it's often the case that the answers to our problems are there in front of us. Imagine that the answers are inside of a room But outside the room is there's scary goblins and go. So there's a bunch of things that make us, oh, wait, maybe I'm too afraid to go in. But it's not anything that's going to hurt us. It's just fear-inducing decoration around what it is that can change our lives for the better because things that are traumatic to us, including they could be dramatic things or they can be just feeling inadequate or not feeling so good about myself because of my health or my job or my relationship status or whatever it may be. Then that creates, Oh, no, I can't go and look at that. Then it gets some special status where we're not looking at it.

It's off over here where it gets to grow and fester, which is why what's called for, it's exactly the opposite. People will say, I can't go talk about that because I'll start crying and I'll never stop. Nobody starts crying and then never stops. Or I'll just curl up in a fetal position. I'll never get up. That never happens either. It's fear of that that keeps us from shining the light around in our own minds and shining the light in the places that we need to go. It's actually quite remarkable Trauma isn't a thing. It doesn't have a mind. It's not plotting against us. So why would I go look at the thing that scares me, that makes me feel bad? It's so it doesn't scare you anymore. So you don't feel bad about it anymore. But it's the reflection The reflexive shame and the reflexive fear that lead us to say, I'll look anywhere, but not there. But not there is the only place that we need to look. It's always that way.

Are you saying that we can't just not think about something or forget about something or shove it down and it's just, I'm not going to go there. It's not going to affect me. That just doesn't work, is what you're saying.

Absolutely not. No more so than, I mean, imagine that a toilet is in a house or in a building and you say, I don't like that. That doesn't sound good. That's stressful. Oh, my gosh. You know what? I'm just going to pretend that's not happening. I'm going to go do something else. That doesn't work. That problem, which may at the beginning be mild, even though it's daunting. There's some water on the floor. If that problem keeps going and going, that problem can turn into a disaster. So yes, the examples of what's inside of us are far, far more powerful. I think that's an obvious example, so it's a good one to attach to. But the same is true, but the stakes are much, much higher when it's about what's going on inside of us. So we do need to look at our past. Another example that can be used is if we're not looking at our past, we're carrying the weights of the past around with us. If I'm moving forward and I don't want to look back, well, maybe I'm carrying 20 pounds of weight from this thing that happens. There's another 30 attached to me from that.

There's 5 pound weight from three or four other things that happen. Now I'm trudging forward and I'm carrying all of that with me. It's not that if I don't look back, it's not there, just like the toilet is still overflowing, even if I want to pretend it isn't and I just want to go out of the house and do something else. It's all there. It's by looking at it that we can gain control over it and say, I am not going to drag around that 30 pound weight from that terrible thing that happened when I was younger. I'm not going to drag that weight around just because people bullied me or people told me that I wasn't worthwhile or because this really bad thing happened or because I was hurt or I was assaulted or whatever the thing may be. I don't want to lug that around and drag it around for the rest of my life. And by going back and looking at it, I can cut the rope to it so that I leave it behind me. And it is also so that we do not drag around with us the weight to the past and say, Why am I not going anywhere?

Well, look at what you're dragging behind you. If you don't go and look at that, then you will continue to not feel like you're moving into the future as you wish to be and continue to be baffled about it. If I don't know I'm dragging the weights, but I'm frustrated, I'm not moving into the future. Well, what's going to come of that? Then I decide, Well, what's wrong with me? I really can't do it. I'm a loser. You see how it fosters more of the negative self-taught. We need to look at the weights that we're dragging around with. We need to look at the traumas and the distress that's inside. It's exactly what we need to do. The thought of, Why would I need to do that? I need to avoid that. That's the hijacking of those survival mechanisms. And if we let that win the day, we can stay fixed and rooted forever. But it absolutely does not have to be that way. And many people change. I mean, it's not pie in the sky where I'm picking out three or four examples where people change No. Awful things come of the trauma we carry with us, like the man who was alive and pleasant and funny, who was sure that he was clinically, medically dead.

But wonderful things can come of looking at ourselves and making changes where there are countless stories of change, where people look at what's going on inside of them. And guess what? The eighth relationship did go well because the eighth was different than the prior seven. That person did get a better job. They have a better relationship with their parents or their children or their friends. We do change, but we have to understand how to do it, and then we have to actually do it.

I have so much I want to say to you. First of all, I just think you're amazing. So thank you.Thank you. You have a real gift in your ability to go so deep and yet be very visual so that for those of us who do not have a I agree in neuroscience, but have a lot of weight that we're carrying around. I just had this huge wake-up moment where visually I could connect the dots between the weight that you are carrying around from the things in your past that you have not processed or you carry shame around, which is why you won't face it. If you won't face it, that right there is evidence that it's weighing you down. Yes. That little voice that is following you around saying, You're not good enough. It's never going to work out. You're not important. See, see, I'm right, and pointing out, that is tied to the weight. It's a way in which the weight creeps from your subconscious at the bottom of that iceberg all the way up and is chirping to your conscious mind. That's the thread that connects to that weight. I can give an example, Dr.

Conti, from my own life, and I offer it only in the hopes that maybe one more story about the different layers of this would help somebody access a breakthrough as they listen. And so I remember a couple of years ago, there was this very normal moment where I woke up, I was on vacation, and I was in this amazing place that I love to rent in the summer by the beach, and I had slept in. I woke up and I rolled over, and my husband Chris was gone. I looked at the clock, and it was 8:30 in the morning. I immediately thought, Oh, God. I did something wrong. Someone's going to be mad at me. I slept in. Uh-oh. I rolled out of bed, I ran downstairs, and he wasn't there. The kids weren't there. The dogs were gone. And now that voice is going, You're in trouble. It's your fault. Chris is going to be mad at you. You didn't get up early. You didn't help with the dogs. Just this just beat down in the most normal circumstance in my life. And I noticed it, and that's what you're talking about, going in.

Like, oh, well, that's weird. Why would I be trashing myself for sleeping in on a vacation? Why would I be making up a story that someone's mad at me? Where does this connect? This is the little voice coming from the dark-ass, scary tunnel connected to all the weight I've dragged around to the thing I don't want to process. And so, thankfully, I had a conversation with my therapist, Anne, a week later. And here's where we connected this. She started asking, Well, when else have you had an experience where you thought someone's mad at me, that you're in trouble? Like the first thing, and we were doing EMDR, and I could trace it all the way back to being in the fourth grade and a very traumatic moment that I've shared about in my work, where I had woken up in the middle of the night at a big family gathering, and there was an older kid on top of me. In In the range of sexual abuse experiences that people could have, this would be down at the one on a scale of zero to 10 in terms of how scary and awful. But It was still traumatizing.

And the next morning, when I woke up, I hid under the covers until all the kids left, and in my body had this experience that I had done something wrong, and someone was going to be mad at me. Yes. And even though I had processed, quote, that trauma in therapy, I didn't realize That that singular experience, and then probably a million other experiences of waking up and telling myself that story, somebody's mad at you. You've done something wrong, led to me, Dr. Conti, From that morning in fourth grade, all the way up to being a grown-ass 50-year-old woman with multiple Ivy League degrees and tons of research under my belt and therapy, and EMDR, and MDMA, all of this stuff, had not connected the little voice in my head that has beaten me up for years and decades saying, Someone's mad at you, to that singular moment. And I will tell you, going backward and digging into that again, even though I thought I thought I had it all figured out, it was one of those massive weights that I was dragging around in my life that was tied to that voice, someone's mad at you.

And it wasn't until I saw that thread that I was able to do what you're talking about, which is I had a choice in that moment because I could see, wow, this is why I do this to myself, and I don't have to do this to myself. Because Chris wasn't mad at me. He didn't give a shit that I slept in. He was happy that I did. He was happily walking the dogs. He didn't even want me. As you have been so eloquently explaining to all of us, that that little voice is tied to something deeper, and figuring it out is the access to a level of freedom in your life and agency to create a different way of living that is hard to describe in terms of how liberating it is.

It's an extremely powerful example, and thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry, of course, that you went through that, but relieved that you were able to identify it. And hopefully, I think definitely to at least some significant degree, maybe completely take the power out of it by bringing yourself to bear. I think there's so many aspects of that story that really can't capture this concept. If you think about it, it's from the beginning, you were young, right? So you're in fourth grade. You woke up with something happening to you. Clearly, it's hard, but the brain can do it anyway to make you responsible for it. You weren't even awake. Correct. Yet somehow, this is how humans work. Your brain takes in a sense of shame and a sense of being at fault. In part, shame, it's a reflex to trauma, that it generates shame in us. Unless we look at that, wait a second, is this shame appropriate? Because sometimes we can do things we might feel a little ashamed of, and then we feel the shame and it can alter our behavior. To assess, does this make any sense? But of course, you don't get to do that as a child.

The next morning, you feel ashamed as if you'd really done something wrong, whereas actually the opposite, something has happened to you around which you deserve some support and some processing and some care and concern. It stays in you. You learn a lesson then. The lessons of trauma that we learn as children, they may be false, but they're lessons nonetheless. You learn that you may do things wrong. You're not even aware that they're wrong until you've done something wrong and that you should feel ashamed about those things. This is the lesson. Unless we unlearnt it, unless we look at it and make ourselves unlearnt it, we don't automatically unlearnt it. All of the life experience since then, all of the achievements and education, personal, professional achievements, all of that that's been the case in your life didn't make that lesson go away. No. Your brain didn't reboot and go back and look at it and say, Hey, does that make sense? Probably because it's tied to survival, that the reflex of shame tells you, Hey, you better remember that. It doesn't know that, Wait, this is one that's not your fault. You didn't do anything to be ashamed about.

But it links it in like the high negative salience. It makes us remember things so that it stays with you until you You have that aha moment and you realize, Wait, this is still in me, and it predisposes me to have this reflexive shame. And what did I do wrong all these years later? I think it's extremely powerful because of the genesis of it, how long it stays with you, impervious to all the other things that happen in your life. But what is it not impervious to? You going and looking at it, and you really shining a light on it and deciding what is this? What does it mean and what does it not mean? That's powerful.

Thank you. I'm going to show you the specific way that you can use the five-second rule to stop doubting yourself and worrying so much. Now, a lot of people will tell you, Oh, just think positive, or, Meh, Try not to worry. It sounds simple, but it's not easy. And the reason why it's not easy is because it doesn't work. Actually, research shows that when you try to ignore your worries, it can actually make them worse. Look, I understand this topic more than most people because I struggled for decades, not only with worrying and self-doubt. I actually suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for almost 25 years. And in fact, I took Zoloff for two decades to control my anxiety. Using the five-second rule, I've not only been able to stop worrying and doubting myself, I've cured myself of anxiety. And I've been off meds for more than four years. I'm panic attack free, and I almost never, ever worrying about any Same thing. You can teach yourself to do the exact same thing using the rule. First, here's what I want you to know. You're not a worrier. A lot of us call ourselves a worrier, right?

Oh, I'm a worrier. You're not a worrier.

You have a habit of worrying.

That's a very big difference.

You've allowed your mind to drift and linger on negative thoughts so many times. It's now a pattern of behavior that you repeat, and you don't even realize it. And that's actually good news because that means that you and I can use the science of habits to break the habit of worrying and the habit of doubting yourself. In the language of habit research, the five-second rule is what psychologists call a starting ritual. It's a tool that you can use that will interrupt the negative thought patterns that are encoded in your brain as habits and trigger positive new thought and behavior patterns. The five-second rule is shockingly effective because it works with all the latest research about habits. What I've learned using the five-second rule is that I do, in fact, have control over what I think. And when you use the five-second rule, you'll discover that you do, too. Here's how you're going to use the rule. The moment. The moment that you feel your thoughts drift. And have you ever noticed how worrying and self-doubt, they have a way of literally taking you away from a situation. You can feel your mind go from the present moment to drifting to something negative.

Maybe you're sitting at a meeting at work, and suddenly you start talking down at yourself and doubting yourself. It happens like that. But the moment that you catch yourself do it, that's a moment of tremendous power. You have a decision to make. You can either sit there and listen to the worry and listen to the self doubt and let it hijack you, or you can make a decision to assert control. That's when you use the rule. You're going to use the countdown trick, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It's essential. Counting backwards interrupts the negative thought pattern. It's also going to awaken your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that you need to override a bad habit and replace your bad habit with a positive new one. So every time you feel your thoughts drift to something negative, or you find yourself worrying about things you can't control, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, it'll switch the gears in your brain. It'll interrupt the negative thought pattern. It'll activate your prefrontal cortex. And you've just created a starting ritual that will prime your mind to accept a more positive thought. That is how you use the rule to change.

Some days, you might use the rule 20 times to interrupt your habit of worrying and doubting yourself. For this conversation, the way I define it is it is the habit of worrying spiraled out of control. You may say that you are a worrier. That's not true. You have a habit of worrying. A habit is a pattern of behavior or thinking that you repeat without realizing it. So anxiety happens when that pattern of worrying about things spirals out of control, and now it starts to marry and manifest itself with physical sensations, too. That's all that it is. I know that. I say, That's all that it is. Me, personally, I struggled with anxiety, I think, my entire life It became quite acute when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I became medicated in the middle of law school. I took Zoloff for two decades. When our first daughter was born, who is now 17, the postpartum depression and the cascading panic was so terrible that not only was I medicated and couldn't breastfeed, but I couldn't be left alone with her. So when I say you can cure yourself of anxiety, I don't say that lightly.

Four years ago, after I had been I'm using the five-second rule to change my behavior, how I spoke to my husband, how I negotiate in business meetings, how I conduct sales, the parent that I am, my health habits, my eating habits, curbing the drinking, I thought, I wonder if I can use this 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 thing to get control of my thought patterns, not my behavior patterns, my thought patterns. Yes, you can. So we're going to build this conversation. Sensation, because I want to start with something we can all relate to, and that is how do you stop worrying and how do you stop listening to self-doubt? This is how you're going to do it. So all day long, you're going to have moments where your thoughts drift. And I use that word on purpose, because for me, there is a physical sensation when you start to use the five-second rule and you start to wake up, not only on time in the morning, but you wake up to your life and the opportunities in your life. Your thoughts drift. You'll just be hanging out with your friends, and then suddenly you're like, I'm not sure that that person likes me anymore.

I haven't heard from my kids lately. I wonder if they're dead. Or, Oh, is it a check? You just start worrying about stuff. Why? Because it's a habit. Because when you're not paying attention, your brain shifts from you being a decision maker and paying attention to you just spinning things on autopilot, and one of your habits is worrying. The second you wake up and you notice, Holy cow, I'm talking some negative garbage to myself right now. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You've just shifted the part of the brain that you're using. You've shifted from the basal ganglia, which is where your habit loops are spinning, and you've awakened your prefrontal cortex. You've also interrupted that pattern. Now what you're going to do, because your mind is actually ready to receive a different thought because of the counting, now you can put in an anchor thought. If you have a mantra, if you've got a vision about the way that your business is going to turn out in five years, if you just have a thought that makes you really happy and proud, insert that. Now, why does this work? It works because of the counting.

And I'm not kidding. We know, based on research, that positive thinking alone, not effective. In some instances, trying to force yourself to think positive can actually make the worries worse. Why? Well, the reason why is because it's really hard to just change the channel. What we have to do first is basically interrupt it and turn off the TV and then turn it back on with the prefrontal cortex awakened. So the counting is essential. And so you can start using this today. You catch yourself talking garbage to yourself because we all know if I were to put a speaker on your head and broadcast, if you were to be sitting here in the audience, you'd be in an insane asylum because the crap that you say to yourself is insane. And And the problem is we listen to it. You'll be in a sales meeting, and you'll be undermining yourself. They're not going to buy. Oh, my gosh, I'm in trouble. You're not even present. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, switch it back. Get back to that vision that you have about toasting your success or this customer being really happy or you being proud of yourself, whatever that vision may be, you can control your thoughts.

And this is not just us talking about it. This is a tool that you can use. So let's take it a step further. So worrying If you let it go unchecked, what will happen is you will get used to worrying. You will get used to living in a state where you're slightly agitated all the time. Let me talk a little bit about agitation. So what we know based on research, is that physically in your body, so physiologically, being excited is the exact same thing as being afraid. Let me say that again because it is so important In your body, being excited is the exact same thing as being afraid. Your body doesn't know the damn difference. Your heart races, your armpits sweat, you may get tight in your throat. You may get your cheeks may get pink like my do when I get excited. The only difference between excitement and fear is what your brain says. And the problem is, if you have a habit of worrying, guess what you're going to tell yourself is going on?

That you're freaking out, that you're not excited, that something must be wrong.

Oh, gosh, why would you say something's wrong? Because you got a habit of saying that all the time. Even as I became a speaker for a living or I'd be on CNN, when I first started doing it, I would be freaking out backstage. But even though, just last week, standing backstage, about to go on, 8,000 people, heart races, armpit sweat, my hands get clammy. I'm not nervous, though. Not at all. I'm excited. And so I developed this technique and research out of Harvard, not based on my technique, but something very similar, proves that if you basically, right before you're about to do something, take a test, run a race, public speaking, a business negotiation, ask somebody to marry you, whatever it may be that gets your heart racing, just do this. Go, I'm excited. I'm excited to give that speech. I'm excited to ask him or her. I'm excited to do this race. I'm excited because Because what happens is you give your brain context so your brain doesn't escalate the stuff going on in your body. Your brain's not worried. Makes sense? Yeah. So you can combine this with a five-second rule. So we know how to do worrying.

You catch your thoughts drift, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, anchor thought. If you start to feel your heart racing, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to awakeen the prefrontal cortex and then start going, I'm really excited to do this. I'm really excited to do this. Another technique that you can use is ask, I think they call it I talk interrogatory questions, where instead of giving yourself a pep talk, say, Well, why am I ready to do this? Why am I ready? Because that will force you to answer the question, which then convinces you. So why am I ready to close this sale? Why am I ready to give this speech? Why am I ready? Those are two strategies that you can use, backed by science, that are proven to actually make your performance be much better. Now, let's take it a step further to anxiety. So anxiety is what happens when the habit of worrying spins out of control, your body gets really agitated, and then you allow your mind to escalate it into a full-blown panic attack. So for those of you that have not had the pleasure of having a panic attack, Let me explain what it's like.

So have you ever been in your car and you're driving down the road and you go to change lanes and all of a sudden there's like, oh, my God, there's a car right there, right? And you swerve a little bit and then your heart's like, and you may sweat a little bit and you grip the wheel really tight and you're super locked in on the road ahead of you. But then that car pulls away and the near miss scenario passes and your mind starts going, okay, you're all right now. You're all right now. That's it. That's what a panic attack is. Only it happens while you're standing in front of your coffee pot. Seriously, you have that saying, Oh, my God, what are you doing? And your heart's racing. And the problem for your brain is that your brain can't look around and say, Holy cow, we almost got hit by a car. Right. Your brain's saying, What the hell is wrong with her? She's making coffee, and she's freaking out. And so now your brain has a problem because what's your brain's job? It's designed to protect you. So your brain will now do whatever it can to magnify the problem.

Remember we talked about the spotlight effect? It'll start telling you all kinds of crazy stuff because it can't figure out contextually what the hell is going on. She's just making coffee, now her heart is racing, and she's breathing really. Holy cow, maybe she is having a heart attack. A lot of people that have panic attacks say, I think I'm dying. Oh, my God, what's happening? Or you'll see them do the deer in the headlights thing where they got to get out of the room. That is the spotlight effect in your brain, now taking control and magnifying everything to get you out of whatever it was. So here's how you use the five-second rule. You use it to stabilize your thoughts before the panic escalates. And then what happens is it drifts into worry, and then it disappears. So the second you feel worry, you catch it. You train yourself to do that. If you start feeling yourself getting your heart racing, you can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and use the I'm excited, I'm excited.

If that doesn't work, literally, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and just give yourself an anchor thought, literally, of you being okay. And so meaningful mantras are things that you can be like, Yeah, I can believe that. So it might be, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best. I screw up sometimes, but I'm not a bad person. Those things that are not like, Yeah, superhero mantra. I'm fabulous. Most of us don't really feel that way about ourselves. If you just are like, I'm doing the best I can, that's pretty empowering, if you think about it. Or I can learn I can learn from this. Or, This is temporary.

I'll be okay.

Those sorts of things are little ways to high five your mind instead of, again, going low. You got a choice. Do you take yourself down or do you lift yourself up? Are you going outside of yourself or are you coming back in for what you need? I want you to come in and lift yourself up. That's what the high five habits about.

Interrupt yourself. Tell yourself an empowering story. That brings us to the second thing that I mentioned at the beginning, that in the book, it actually almost made me cry. I was like, whoa, I was surprised by how much it hit me. But I think you and I tell very different stories about the same story. And that was the thing that I found so interesting about the painting. Walk people through that moment. I think it's worth telling the story. And then we can talk about how you see it and how I see it. And I think the fact that we look at this differently me may be the whole punchline.

Well, the fact that you almost cried and a robot was reading it to you as you were having the transcript of my new book, Read to You by a Robot, is amazing. Wait to hear me read it because in the audiobook, I sob through this story.

Really? I'm not surprised. Given that it hit me in the robot voice, as you say.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, so this is one of these moments that's like a combination of science and the Zeigenark effect and the R. E. S. And something. When I was a senior in college at Dartmouth, it was 1989, my parents came to see me, and we went to this mill in Vermont, and I walked into this famous mill called Simon pierce, and there in the restaurant on the wall was this massive painting, Tom, and it was the size of a door, and I saw it, and I immediately was drawn to it. This is another thing about this book. I believe that what's meant for you is trying to reach you, that you are neurochemistry, DNA, energetically aligned with some things and purposes and passions that just call to you. For whatever reason, in 1989, as a 21-year-old person, I am now finding myself. I'm not in the restaurant. I am literally standing in the painting. I can hear the geese, the grass is blowing in the wind. I'm in the field that is depicted. And then all of a sudden, I come back to, I'm back in the restaurant. I'm like, I am going to own this painting.

It's not going to be an artifact. Right there. This is important to me. I have a full body sensation. I lean forward. Oh, my God, it's $3,000.

Not today. Not today.

That's it.

I go back, I have dinner.

But here's the thing. Once something's important to you, it never leaves your mind. If you always dreamt about being a singer-songwriter, and you never did it, you will be haunted by that at the age of 70, because it's still right here, stored in the back of your mind. It's something that's meant for you, that's trying to call to you. You see, your dreams, you either pursue them or they fucking haunt you.

We spend so much time twisting ourselves in knots about unimportant things. And we just talked about how hideous, I'll use the word hideous because I literally looked hideous. I not only had a tomato red face and like crazy witch hair and foggy glasses and bad breath and impacted sinuses and probably throwing in a camel toe in there, too. I didn't have anything tied around my waist. But not giving a shit about that is very liberating, because otherwise, I'd be embarrassed by my own existence walking down the sidewalk. I would twist myself in knots, worrying about what do I look like and how right is my face? Is my face coming down, and maybe I should go back to the hotel and take a shower and get this makeup off my face and blow my nose before I get a cup of coffee. And all of that energy twisting myself around what other people may be thinking rather than just being okay, not given a shit. It's so liberating. And I think about that example of for how long I was willing to twist myself into little spaces that didn't fit. And how painful it can be when you hide who you are, when you're embarrassed about what you look like, when you worry about what other people think about what you're wearing.

And yet it's also the flip side is when you give a shit about the right things, twisting yourself into spaces like a small tent is an act of joy because it's aligned with what you value. I didn't give a shit how small that little hole was. I had to army-crawl my ass in there in order to get in, and then I had to swirl around like a centipede to curl up in there like a little ball because it was so aligned with my values of wanting to serve, of wanting to bring fun, of wanting to demonstrate something, which was enthusiasm, and surprise, and celebration, and not giving a shit, like being willing to do that stuff. And so, As we continue to go deeper in all these examples of how I'm oblivious at times and how I've worked actually really hard to get to this point of acceptance and this point of focusing on caring about things that I value and trying to completely disregard aspects of life that I just don't give a shit about, that visual of the tent and why it's important to twist yourself when it's about your values versus twisting yourself when it's not, that's really helpful to see.

Did I do anything else that day?

Probably. Probably is probably the right answer, but I don't have I don't have any specific. Me neither. I do. Botox. Oh my God.

So I got Botox, everybody, in my jaw joint, and I've been going to the same dermatologist for over a decade. I love her. I trust her. She's sensational, and I've been having tremendous pain in my jaw, grinding, trouble eating. And both my primary and my dermatologist was like, You got to get Botox in your jaw. And when she felt my jaw, she's like, Holy shit, that's a tense muscle. You're going to have to have a little extra. I'm like, Okay, as long as you make the pain go away. She said, Well, it could impact your smile. I'm like, I don't care. I can't eat at this point. Just take the pain away. Well, she shot me up, and let me tell you something, it impacted my smile.

I look like a taking a shit when I have a smile.

This is something that I am self-conscious about.

So all week long, as we're in Los Angeles, and we did a bunch of interviews, I'm having to really try to manage that my lips are crawling up, because if I do a closed smile, try to lip smile like you keep your mouth smile, my lips suck in like our body language expert warned us about.

What's that called?

A lip roll. A lip roll.

I do a lip roll, and it looks like I'm frowning. Then if I try to do a big toothy smile, I look like I'm grinding out of shit.

I'm like, clenching.

I had to tell every single expert we had. Now look, I'm going to give you a kissy face in this, because if I try to give you a smile, I'm going to look like I'm growling at you. I now have a week's worth of photos from both graduation week and the podcast where I'm kissing experts and kissing in the air, and I look completely ridiculous. But at least I can chew food, and the pain has gone away, but I'm never getting Botox in my jaw again.

But right now, you don't give a shit.

I don't, but It bothers me a little, but I'm trying to direct my attention away from how I look and just go, Mel, it looks like shit, but whatever. What was the CNN story?

Exactly what you said. Can I read to you what some people said to you on CNN? Wait, you have it? I do.

Oh, my God. She went back in time.

I think a lot of it you remembered, but this is pretty brutal. I have four outstanding comments. Let's say that. Your neck is saggy, just like your opinions.

It's funny now, but you were probably like when you got that, right? That was probably- Yeah, it really hurt in the beginning. Yeah, it probably hurt.

It sure did.

You What did go back to the hole you crawled out of? It was a deep hole.

Now we know you're an expert on crawling out of small space. Yes. Why is someone so ugly on television?ouch. Nice.

Because I'm smarter than you, fuckface.

Okay. The last one. How does a moron like you have a law degree? I cheated. That's how to not give a shit. You know how I learned how to not give a shit?

As I started to visualize. Empathy helps a lot. So a couple of things on other people's opinions. Number one, let's just take a minute and zoom out and have some perspective and imagine what is the life of a person who is sitting on their phone watching TV nonstop, sounding off at Pundence online? What does their life actually look like? I would imagine hypertension. I would imagine a lot of negativity. I'm going to throw in a little alcohol or drug abuse. Probably a small circle of friends, not getting a lot of sex, I would imagine, perhaps living in your parents' basement. I would think your bills are piled sky high if that's how you're spending your time. If you truly spend time sounding off at strangers online, your life sucks. And so Feeling sorry for somebody that cuts you off in traffic, or even like the mean girls. Mean girls are shitty people. You know how insecure they are? If you need a fucking purse and a designer, whatever, in order to have high self-esteem, you are really fucking insecure. And so I just look at people that are critical of other people, even though I'm being critical of other people for the sake of humor, with a lot of sympathy.

Like, wow, must really suck for you to watch TV and feel so offended or triggered by what I'm saying that you are taking time and energy to not only write about it, but to spread negativity.

That's a really awful place to live your life.

I hope you find a good therapist at some point, and you get the healing you deserve. And so understanding the greater context and not making it about you. I really mean that. I think about lots of experiences of just mean cliques of people and how they look down on other people. And I literally say to myself, I would hate to be part of that friend group. And one rule of thumb that I think about a lot is this. I think small minds talk about other people, and really cool, big creative minds talk about ideas. They talk about things.

They talk about the future.

And that's what I'm interested in. And so when you make it not so personal, that helps a lot. And when you elevate yourself above the pettiness and the criticism and the negativity that other people might throw at you, it helps me rise above it. And the truth is, there are days I look like shit, and there are days that I probably look like I shouldn't be on TV. And you know what?

I don't give a shit.

So it helps a lot. It helps a lot because it's mentally healthy to be able to detach. And a lot of your mental health struggles, whether it's anxiety or disconnection or paranoia, it's all A result in many, many, many cases of you being way too concerned about shit out of your control and way too focused on stories that you're telling yourself that aren't even true. And so if anybody's out there gossiping about me, you need to get better hobbies.

You really do.

If you're looking down on other people or notice the next time you go into a social setting and notice how much time is spent talking about people who aren't there. If that's what's happening in your social setting, and it's not a structured conversation around you seeking advice about a situation, which is very different than gossiping. You can seek advice about a situation with another person in your personal life, in your family, or in business, and not have it be gossiping. But if you're engaged in constant banter about other people who aren't present, you need bigger goals, you need to do more with your life, and you need to assess who you're hanging out with, because when they gossip with you, they're going to gossip about you when you leave. That's what those people do. And so it helps to not gossip yourself, because I think gossip is one of those things that you also start giving a shit about things that don't matter, because gossiping is caring about shit that doesn't matter. And I don't I think very successful people or accomplished artists or the greatest entrepreneurs are wasting time giving a shit about gossiping about other people.

I used to be a big gossiper. I can say this with certainty because I used to be that insecure Desperate, clingy, anxious, competitive bitch. I'm not that person anymore. And gossiping was a big thing in my 20s. It is not part of my life anymore at all.

See, mantras cut both ways because there are good mantras and bad mantras. There are mantras that work and mantras that don't. Mantras are powerful, but they don't work unless you believe what the mantra or the phrase says. I'm going to unpack this because I think this is super important. It's why so many of us get positive self-talk or self-love completely Completely wrong. A mantra is only going to work if you believe intrinsically in what the mantra means. And so I'll give you an example. A lot of you have been told that you need to have more positive self-taught, which you do. But if you've been beating yourself up for 40 years, there is no way you can stand in front of a mirror and say, I love myself. Or if you've been just hating on your body for decades, you're not going to be able to stand in front of the mirror and go, I look beautiful. I want you to feel those things. But if your behavior and your own mindset proves day in and day out that you don't love yourself, that you not only don't think your body is beautiful, you think it's disgusting, or you think it's gross, or you think it's this, or you think it's that.

Simply saying a mantra because you think you should, it will not It actually makes things worse because your mind is like, Oh, what do you mean? You think you... No, you don't. You know what you said to yourself all day yesterday? No, it's not true. And your mind starts to fight against it. And so it makes your negative beliefs worse. One of the things that I want you to think about is that as you come up with this phrase for yourself, Rule number one, it has to be meaningful. And what I mean by that is a meaningful mantra is one that you can get behind. It's one that when you say it or somebody else says it to you, you're like, Yeah, I can get behind that. So for example, if you struggle with how you look, instead of saying, I'm beautiful, When you don't quite feel it and believe it yet, start saying, I deserve kindness. I'm trying my best. I deserve to feel better. My body needs me to take care of it. Those are all things that you can get behind. And so oftentimes, one of the things that I say, if you're just new to thinking about some guiding phrase or a meaningful mantra or some word that you're going to use as your theme or your lifeline, is bring it down just a little.

Don't jack the mantra up like, I am the best. Because some days you're not going to feel that way. And so if you have that tattooed on your wrist, you're going to I don't feel like the best right now. You want to ratchet it down just a little so you can always get behind it. I'm trying my best. Anybody can get behind that. Here's some other ones. What if it works out? Talked a lot about that on the podcast. I love that one. What if it works out? So many people don't even realize that their guiding philosophy right now is, what if it doesn't work out? Imagine adopting the meaningful mantra. What if it works out? Another one that I love is courage. Courage. I think courage comes first. We often sit around and feel self-doubt or feel unmotivated. In those moments, courage. That courage inside you to act, to say something, to show up when you don't feel like it. Courage is what you need first. And so courage is a beautiful A reminder. You got this. You got this as just encouragement. I believe in you. I love that phrase, I believe in you.

One day at a time. That's like one gate, isn't it, hon?

Yeah, it is a little I like that. But I think what you're speaking to also is that everything that you just mentioned almost alludes to a way of being or an attitude or They're certainly a reminder. I'm glad that our kids haven't decided yet on what or when to put ink on their body, but I like the fact that they're clearly reticent until they find that thing. And that thing is, by way of having watched us find our own phrase, which is very meaningful and has a profound message to us, and it is embodied in a philosophy, for lack of a better term, that they haven't found that yet. Some of that could just be that they haven't grown up enough yet, if you will, to have put their finger on, Well, what do I really need in those times to be reminded or to be encouraged managed. At least I think that's the hiccup so far for our kids, that they just haven't arrived on that yet.

You just gave me a huge breakthrough. We're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry. There is nothing that what you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day, convincing yourself you can't leave, you can't find something. It's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants or the project, period. Now, what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, Where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff, and it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in And relationships, because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free-flowing, reciprocal, give-and-take that really brings amazing things into your life.

So when we come back, that's what we're going to talk about. Because this notion that I'm teaching you of letting go and energy, it's not complicated at all. But life doesn't work that way. Life can get really complicated. And so when we come back, that's what we're going to dig into next. Hey, welcome back. I want to recap everything that we've covered because here on the Mel Robbins podcast, there is no one left behind. So let's talk We're going to talk about what we've already covered, okay? Number one, we've talked about the fact that in order to be a happier person and create the life that you deserve, you have to learn how to let go of the things that no longer serve you. Number two, You have learned that letting go is a natural and important part of your life cycle. Whether you need to let go of friendships, or a job, or a place that you live, or habits, or the friend group that you hang out with. Letting go allows you to create room for new growth, new seasons, new chapters, new adventures. It's only through that growth and those new things that you're allowing yourself to experience that you will come into your full potential, and you will unlock the magic in your life.

So letting go is not a bad thing. It's a really good thing. It's a great skill. In fact, I notice in the DMs, a lot of you go, But aren't I a quitter if I quit? No. Winners quit all the time. I actually think it's a losing thing to do, to hold on to things that no longer serve you. One aspect of being a winner is knowing where to put your focus and knowing when something should end. And so absolutely, winners quit all the time. Because when you're quitting or saying no to something right now, that's actually a yes to something else. And when you frame letting go, to be not a no, not a breakup, not something negative, Negative. But letting go is letting something else open up in your life. Letting go is a beginning. Letting go is about possibility. Letting go is about the magic that's ahead. It's about the future. And so letting go is so important, and I want you to embrace it. The third thing that we talked about is that you have natural intelligence inside of you, and that may sound all woo- woo. This is science, and We're going to unpack this all the time, because I'm going to keep coming back to the fact that you have instincts, you have hard wiring, your gut is trying to tell you something.

And one of the fastest ways to read that natural intelligence is to pay attention to your energy. You have felt what I'm talking about. You know when things are off, you know when you feel depleted. You know when you naturally click with somebody. That is data that matters because it's data that helps you make the changes, the small changes that improve your life. The fourth thing that you've clearly learned is that the best things in life are reciprocal. Even volunteering. Volunteering is a reciprocal act. You want to know why? When you volunteer, and you volunteer and And you volunteer your time, you volunteer your energy, you donate money, you always receive something in return, don't you? You feel this sense of meaning. You feel connected to something larger and more important than your day-to-day struggles. That is a reciprocal energy exchange. You donate money, you volunteer your time and effort and resources, you get something invaluable back. That's reciprocal. That's why it adds meaning. The best friendships, reciprocal. You pour in, they pour back. Same thing with your romantic relationships. And all you need to do is to think about that one person you chased, right?

That you're constantly going after, Should I text her? All the energy going at them. Yeah, maybe you got an orgasm back. But then, mostly you got negativity because you're constantly insecure, constantly worried, no idea where you stood, always stressed out about it, thinking about it, distracted by it. That is not a reciprocal relationship. That is an obsession that's unhealthy for you. So there are things in life that are really hard, that take a lot of energy. Things that I hate doing. Things like exercise. I hate exercising. I hate getting out of bed. But once I push through that resistance, right? You learned all about this in the episode called Motivation is Garbage. Once you get the activation energy and you do the thing, what happens after you exercise? You get a reciprocal return of positive energy. You feel great about yourself. The same thing is true about my husband, who doesn't drink right now. It takes a lot of effort, at least it did in the beginning. And it was really hard because he had been drinking for a A long time. But even though it's hard, it's so worth it. Why? Because there is this reciprocal return.

You start to feel so good about yourself. You sleep better at night. You have clarity, you have pride, you're aligned with your values. And that values word is really important because when it becomes even more nuanced, your values is how you're going to create a return of energy in really hard situations. So I can give you two examples. Any one of you who is caring for an aging parent knows how difficult that is. Any one of you that has a child or a partner who is struggling with mental health issues, knows knows how difficult that is. You also know that you are pouring your energy into caring for this person. And it can be very depleting because the person that is sick or the person that's struggling It doesn't often give back what you're pouring in. It also may be physically demanding because you're working all the time, plus you're doing this at night, and so you are tired. It's a fact. So how in those situations Do you create this exchange of energy? The secret is values. Tap into your values in order to create positive energy back and to help you rise above the day-to-day stresses that are temporary.

Because the truth is, if you tap into your values, it makes you feel like an amazing human being, knowing that you are there for your mom. It makes you feel like a good person, knowing that you are a compassionate caregiver that is helping your child or your partner through a really difficult chapter. When you start to feel depleted, remind yourself, lift your gaze, raise your gaze, and look out to the future, and feel proud of your sofa acting in alignment with the person you know yourself to be, even though it's hard. That's how you create a positive energy return for yourself in those situations where somebody either doesn't have it to give back, or the situation itself is really physically demanding. I'll give you another example. I have a friend that is going through a hard time, and has been for a long time. And I continue to pour into this friendship, even though I don't get a lot back. Why? The reason why is I get a lot back knowing that if I were in this situation, I would want a friend of mine to stay around and pour into me. And And that is what drives me.

That creates that energy exchange. And so you have within you the ability to do things that feel hard, like exercising or stopping drinking, or staying sober or or changing your habits, or making cold calls. You can do those things that feel difficult. And trust me, you're going to feel proud of yourself, which is why they return on the investment of effort. And you can do things that are draining And I promise you, they will come back to you with energy because it makes you feel good about yourself. And I bet you can think of four or five things that you're doing right now that are hard, that you're not even giving yourself credit for. You should be proud of yourself because you're a good person. You keep showing up, and that is something you need to celebrate. That's something that you need to feel energized about. And in those times when it gets really hard, remind yourself, this too shall pass. That what goes up also comes down. Just like when you're hiking a trail on a mountain, that this is a season of your life. And holding on, holding on to what doesn't serve you is going to drain you.

It's going to kill off your happiness. But finding ways to bring energy back in in those situations that are aligned with your values and what you want, that's a power move. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.