Goal setting, it sounds simple, right? You just set a goal, then you go after it. Goal setting is something that I screwed up for years. I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk, no walk. I was part of the 81% of people that had bailed on my resolutions by the time January first rolled around. That is, until I dug into the research, read the books, studied the experts, and I've figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. I want to talk to you about this today because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits, like this one from Dave. Hey, Mel. This is Dave. I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how they do it right. There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the new year coming up. In the past, I've had a hard time setting Setting them and achieving goals.

Could you give me any tips?

First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question because you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. I'm not only going to give you tips, today, We are going to have a master class in goal setting. In fact, I am so excited by the number of you that are looking for information about ways to set and achieve goals this year that I've decided we're going to do something a little different. For the next month or so, you and I are going to dig into the most foundational and important building blocks that you need in order to create lasting change in your life. These are the topics that I have been researching and teaching around the world. These are the topics that I write about in my books and in our audio projects with Audible. This is what I have been studying for years. And so, here's what we're going to do, and I am so excited about this. For at least the next month, all of the coming episodes are going to be master classes, toolkits, one-on-ones on the most important topics when it comes to personal development, success, happiness, creating a better life.

Today, we're going to dive into goal setting. But then we're going to jump right into habits, mindset, anxiety, relationships, mental health, healing your nervous system and trauma, confidence, boundaries, happiness, meaning and purpose. Why? Well, because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life. And when you understand these topics and the latest research, most importantly, you have simple tools that you can apply immediately to your own life. That's a game changer. And so that's what we're going to be doing in every single episode. Why? Well, change is always going to be hard. Always. I'm not going to lie to you about that. But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail. And I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. I already mentioned that 81% of people give up on their goals. Well, guess what? That's not going to be you, because you, my friend, are going to have the science, the tools, the strategies, the shortcuts to not only making change happen, but making it stick.

And so this awesome series series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is going to begin today with the topic of goal setting. Because one of the things that I know based on the research is that no change will last in your life if it's not personally connected to you. And no goal will be achieved if you don't have a connection to why you want to achieve it. And so I figured if we're going to do a big series that's going to give you the foundational aspect and most recent research around changing your life, we better start with an episode where you identify personal, relevant, and achievable goals that you're excited about. That way, every single other episode that you hear in this series for the next month or so, it's going to help you achieve something that really matters to you. And the fact is, goals matter. According to the research, and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals, goals matter because number one, they make you happier. Number Number two, they suppress negative emotions. And in fact, based on some ground-breaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and depression.

That's pretty cool. Third, goals That's what it means. It's not going to give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and being up to something. In fact, I just had a conversation with our daughter, Sawyer, who was saying that she's in a rut. She's like, I just feel like my life is the same old, same old. Every day is the same damn day. And it's only gotten worse because she works remote, and she's worked remote for over a year and a half since she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office. No holiday parties, no nothing in person. Every day, she sits at her desk at home and works virtually. She hangs out with her roommate who she loves, but it's the same thing in and out. You want to know what's going to fix this? Goals. Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day-to-day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like something cool is happening. And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals. Based on the research, having goals makes your life feel easier.

And I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut, you can see that when you're in a rut, life is hard. When you feel stuck, when things are monotonous, it's hard. When you got something Something that excites you, something that you're working toward, that's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, we are going to start with your goals because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them. Because if you don't set goals the right way, based on science, you fail before you even start. And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired, that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today, by the time this episode is done, you're going to have identified between one and three goals, and you're going to do it with me, side by side, as I identify one to three goals for myself.

And we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share that upfront because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end, because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. By the end of our conversation, you're not only going to have defined these goals, you will have refined them, and you will have taken steps toward them. How freaking cool is that? So make sure you listen all the way to the end, because we are going to cover a ton of ground today. So let me just preview what you're going to learn today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal. And if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals, you will fail. Seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals. I'll tell you stories because I think that they're going to help you.

But this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple, and there's so much research here. Second, as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals. And you're not going to make these mistakes, because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research, we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into. And step by step by step, we are going to support you. I'm so excited for this episode, honestly, because I'm going to do this with you. And you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals. This is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked. And I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever or talk about your goals. Okay? Cool. You ready? I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do.

Really, really excited about this. I love goals. And I also love this recent research that I found from Dr. Elliot Berkman at the University of Oregon. Now, Dr. Berkman is the co-director of the Center for Translational Neuroscience, and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals. I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is one of those studies where you're like, Well, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this? So first, let's start with his definition of a goal, okay? Dr. Berkman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this. This is illuminating, okay? A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, That's it. I'm getting six-pack abs this year. If you have a goal of getting six-pack abs, you have to do something different. That's why it's a goal.

If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example, you have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal. Watching that series that you're addicted to, right now for my family, it's Gangs of London. I don't have to do anything different to watch the series, Gangs of London. You see how that's not a goal? The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance. There is zero change. There's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now, that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some resistance, you're going to fail at setting them. They're going to be way too easy, okay? So let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you want to improve or where you want to make a new goal?

I have three that I'm going to share with you. And one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobbies and having fun. A second goal of mine is going to impact my health in a positive way. And the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm going to unpack these, and I invite you to listen along. And as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm going to start with number one, hobbies, and having more fun. I really want to spend more time, one goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening. I just love gardening, not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I I want to make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening.

That's one goal.

Now, a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health, and I want to stop drinking for a while this year. I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research, but that's a goal of mine, to really just knock off the booze for a bit. And third is about my mindset. I want to get back—this is a goal of mine—to a consistent journaling practice every Every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I roll out of bed when the alarm rings. No resistance. I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning. No resistance. I typically move my body most mornings. No resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single morning. That would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen?

Now, I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot.

Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are?

I absolutely love this question. And by the way, it's super common to have no idea what you want. And I'm going to give you a number of research AX strategies that you can use to cut through the uncertainty or the overwhelm or the fog in your brain and identify at least one goal by the end of this podcast that is personal and motivating to you. But I also want to talk about something that gets in a lot of people's way, other than just not being sure what your goal should be, and that's perfectionism. If you're the person that is constantly aiming for these crazy high and unattainable goals, that's very demotivating. Because super high goals, unattainable goals, what happens is you don't achieve those, and so you start to feel like a failure. And Perfectionism can get in your way of setting goals because you start to figure, well, if you don't set a goal, then you can't fail. Perfectionism, according to the research around goal setting, looks a lot like this. You set goals, but then you give up before you start. Or you want to set goals, but you burn all your time just analyzing and analyzing and analysis, paralysis.

Or you also just avoid the situations where you feel like you're going fail. Here's an example. You are really wanting to take your health seriously this year. You set a goal of going to the gym every single day and exercising for two hours a day. You literally fail before you even start because You're trying to get it perfect. And we're going to address that, don't you worry. So whether you're dealing with brain fog or you're dealing with perfectionism, this is super common to not really know what your goals are. So let's talk about the research, okay? These are prompts that are going to help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really going to make a difference in your life. Because I want you to have goals. They really matter. So number one, it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams. And if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, then what you and I can do, if you can identify the dream, is you and I can then use the research to scale that big, awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small, achievable goals.

This is based in research. And so I invite you, if you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again. And then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal. Now, here's a second tip. And this one's a little morbid, but it tends to work. If you don't know where to start, think about the end. Like, the real end, your death. When you think about the fact that at some point this amazing thing called life comes to an end, what do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me, you're not going to You're going to wish that you spent more days at work. You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck, think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you. Now, you could also, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet.

And this is based in powerful research. Basically, mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves. And I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice, whether it's a meditation practice or heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach, that by the end of that 30 minutes stroll, you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet? If you get quiet, you can hear the the most important sound in the world, and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting, because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful, and enjoyable to you. Now, researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you, self-concordant goals, or want-to goals. This comes from researchers at Carleton University. I like to call these goals personal goals. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressure to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals, right?

Where you're like, All right, Everybody's getting in shape. Oh, everybody's doing a whole 30. Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that, too. Those goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. You want goals that are in touch with something personal to you. And here's another really interesting little hack that really works. You're going to use the third person. So using a third person perspective, according to research at Cornell, can help you identify and achieve personal goals better. And so now I'm going to turn it back to you again. And I want you to use the third person research from Cornell. I'm going to use it first. And then I do want you to say your goals out loud, okay? I've already shared my goals, but let's make these Cornell University-style goals, okay? And let's do the third person. Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year. You know, it feels funny when you say that. It's almost like it's happening. Now, you say it. What would you love to do? Say it in the third person in your name. Here's another one of mine. Mel has a goal to not drink at the beginning of this year.

It sounds more authoritative. Really, you got to try this. It's so wacky how this works. Mel, you know that Mel? She would love to get up every day and have a rock solid journaling routine. It's weird how that Cornell University works. And now it's your turn. Use the third person. Take a minute, hit pause, and say what you want out loud. Go ahead. It's weird, isn't it? When you use your own name? And look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general. Did you notice that? My goals right now, they're just things I want to do. I want to journal, I want to not drink for a couple months, and I want to spend more time gardening. But by the time this episode is done, you and I are going to refine these general statements, these goals, using research. And so let's Let's dig into this exciting research that I promise to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals. I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present. If These two components of a goal are not present.

You're not doing shit when it comes to this goal. I have experienced this in my life, you have experienced this, and I can't wait for you to hear this. So the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will and the way. The will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change. In other words, the why. The will is the why of behavior change. Let me ask you a couple questions that researchers unpacked in this study that are going to help you really clarify the why when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about as you and I are talking right now. Why is the behavior change important to you? Why do you Why do you want to change? Why now? I'm going to go through these, and I'm going to use one of my goals: gardening. Why is the behavior change important to you? Well, it's important to me, this goal of spending more time this year gardening because I love gardening. I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy, and it causes a lot of stress.

And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing. It's really creative. I love growing flowers from seed. I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now? Why now?

Why is this a goal now in your life?

Well, for me, why now is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy, and I'm going to find more time to I truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now. Why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part. And I want you to ask those questions of yourself. If for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions, that goal that you're thinking about will not work. Because the The will to do it, the motivation, the why, it's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you. Now, let's talk about the second component, okay? The second component in this study from the University of Oregon is the way. The way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change. I call this the how. The way is the how of behavior change. Let me walk you through those questions. How is this behavior change going to unfold?

What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's going to unfold is I am going to study how to create a cutting garden. I'm going to build my own little, what are they called? Like, raise bed thingies that you put the thingies in. I'm going to learn What is it about cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Well, a lot for me. What is the specific plan? I'm in the middle of creating the plan. I think you can start to see as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have. How's this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you If you don't identify the how, that change ain't happening. Because willpower alone, motivation alone, it's not enough. You got to have, according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here, based in science, is that any goal requires two things.

There must be a will and a way, a why and a how. And here's why this is really interesting. Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So for example, the how you're going to make this goal a reality, that's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning, including your prefrontal cortex, among other areas of the brain. The why, on the other hand, is the dopamine energetic. I can't even say it. That's That's why I can't say. It's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why. And you need both. You need to tackle the how, which is having the know-how, the skills, the plan, the push. And you also got to have the why. And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do, but you can't do it. It's how you hack the motivation. And what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating. As much as we may love to make a plan, and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner.

You know, when you buy a new calendar for the new semester, and it feels like the new you. I just loved the planning part. Have you ever had that experience, where you're all excited to go to the gym? You're all excited to try this new routine. You're all excited for this new habit. And the day one that comes, no motivation at all. I mean, it makes sense because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix, something you do all the time, is way more enjoyable? That's why having both is super important. You cannot just have the why you want to do it with no plan. That doesn't work. And you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's going to get you excited. If you're somebody that continues to make goals, but you constantly give up on them, I'm going to tell you something right now. Those goals are not linked to something that you value, to a core belief.

And the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstable. So we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set. And I want to say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode, and the end of the episode. That's the point of this. Listening to research is not That's not going to change your life. Applying the research will. So please, as you're gaining insight and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you, and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year, please allow yourself to change. Please allow yourself to modify the goals because that is going to help you achieve them.

Okay, can I give you some coaching real quick? Can I give you some coaching? Yes, please. Okay, you're ready? This is a super cool trick, everybody. Okay, you're about to see me change her.

Okay, here we go. Tell you what we're going to do.

All right, so 0 to 10. How nervous are you right now? I'm thinking like 11. Okay, great. Can you describe what's happening in your body? I'm warm. I'm getting sweaty. Awesome. Are your pits starting to sweat now? Okay, she's getting warm under here, everybody. I don't know what to do with my hands. Okay, they're Just keep moving them like you're dancing. Okay, great. What else is happening as you're in 11? I can't stop smiling. Okay, terrific. So the anxiety and the nerves are through the roof? No. No? Okay, yes. See, she doesn't even know where she is. All right, great. So let's make it worse. Let's go on stage. Everybody, give her a round of applause. Here we go. Okay, come here. Okay. All right, zero to 10. How nervous are you? Did it go higher? Yeah, it did. Okay, going higher, everybody. Do you have a neck rash yet? It's getting there. Yeah, you're sorry. I used to get that all the time. Yeah. Okay, so I want you to just look out and look at everybody. How many?

Yeah.

Great. Okay, so I'm going to teach you something really cool. You ready? Yeah. Your body doesn't know the difference, everybody, between nervousness and excitement. Okay. Tell me, who's your favorite band? Nirvana. Okay, so let's say, well, I realized Kurt Qobain isn't here, but if he were and if they were playing and you had a front row seat, how excited would you be? Oh, God, I'd be so excited. I'd be crying. Yeah. Would you have a neck rash? I don't know. Actually, I'd be sweating. You'd be sweating? Yeah. Would your heart be Are you racing? Yeah. Are those all the things that are happening right now? Yeah. Okay. So your body, everybody, has the same physiological response to nerves and excitement. Exact same. The only difference between you being able to see nirvana and you standing here looking out at everybody else, and you're the one on stage is what your brain is saying about it. So I'm going to teach you a really cool trick. Okay. So the next time you're nervous, just go 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I'm so excited, and then say whatever you're doing. So start going, I'm so How are you excited to be up here?

I'm so excited to be up here.

Say it again. I'm so excited to be up here. Say it again. I'm so excited to be up here. Say it again. I'm excited to be up here. Yeah, that's right. Let's walk. Say it again. I'm so excited to be up here. I'm so excited to see everyone here. Okay, so zero to 10. How do you feel? I feel great. Right? It goes down, right? Yeah. So fear builds when you let it sit. It actually lowers the moment you move. And that's a little trick, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I'm so excited, that has been now researched at Harvard Medical School. And when you use it before an exam, you use it before any competition, you use it before a speech, you use it before a big pitch, anything. I'm so excited to go in there. I'm so excited to work so hard. I'm so excited I prepared for this. I'm so excited because regardless of what happens, I'm not going to die. And so if you say that, you take control of what's going on in your brain and your body pays attention. And look at how different she looks. Literally, she is calm.

She's not freaking out. You are literally... You're doing the next keynote. I'm out. All right. So how do you feel? I feel good. Okay, great. So what was your question? Okay, so I have big dreams. Sometimes they just feel like they're not quite out of reach, but they are. I have a hard time. My dream is to be a cougar.

A who? A cougar.

A wait, a what? A cougar. A cougar.

Okay.

There's lots of hot men around me, and they're each like... Okay. But that's later. Okay. I have That feels like it's within reach. I don't know, right? Okay. That's just for later. I'm talking about career-wise. It just seems like I'm stopping myself or I'm so busy. I have two full-time jobs right now. I'm always on the run and on the go. I just don't know what I can do to get myself to do these other things or what way to go. Okay, so let's bring this. Now, I'm going to coach you, and we're going to make it less up in the sky and grow it in reality. What is the thing that you want to go pursue? I just want to be the best I can be. I want my own business. I want to be independent. Great. So you would like your own business? I want to move out of my state. Okay, great. So let's start. What do you want to do first? We're going to take them one at a time. Do you want to move out of your state first, or do you want to have your own business?

I think I want to move out of state first. Okay, terrific.

I'm going to teach you guys how to use manifesting and goal setting properly.

Okay?

Because it's critical, everybody, to have huge dreams. I want you to turn to the person next to you and tell them what is something that you dream about doing. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. For me, I dream about launching a podcast, like a big podcast.

I thought you said Rockets.

No. Step aside, Joe Rogan. Mel Robin's coming through. All right, great. I'm just giving Give me a second. I'm giving you a second. So even if you didn't have a chance...

All right, come on back.

All right, even if you didn't have a chance to say it, I know you thought it. And so here's the difference between dreams and goals. Goals. Goals are the beacon, right? It's the lighthouse. Goals are the brick-by-brick path that walk you toward it. You need big dreams because they pull you out of the stress of your day-to-day life, they raise your gaze, and they remind you of where you're headed. And if you don't know where you want to head, there's a simple trick that can help you figure it out. Number one, ask yourself, Well, what do I not want? And move in the opposite direction. Number Number two, who am I jealous of? Jealousy is blocked desire. You are jealous of people because you think you can't have the thing that you feel called to have. And so if you are jealous of somebody, it means inside of what they're doing or how they're being, there's something that is meant for you. You can't be jealous of something you don't want. I'm not jealous of anybody that has a penthouse, for example, in Abu Dhabi. I don't want to live there right now. Don't even feel anything when I think about it.

It's not meant for me. But when you think about the things that you want, that is a really clear directional signal from your soul that you are not giving yourself permission to move toward those things. So jealousy is just blocked desire. So you know that's the dream. And so what I want you to do is I want you to tell me, what are two things that somebody who's preparing to move out of state is doing in their day-to-day life? Saving money. Okay. And I guess by the expression on your face, you're not that great at that. Well, I was, and then I came here. Okay. Oh, that's okay. Guess what? This is going to be money well spent.

You invested in yourself, okay?

And you know how to save money. And so by being on this stage, you got plucked up here because it's time to get serious about this goal. And so a couple of things. Here's how you're going to use science to train your body to help you lay those bricks towards moving. You are not going to envision moving to the new state. You are not going to envision your new apartment. You are going to envision the annoying pain in the ass stuff you don't want to do in order to have that thing come true. So you will envision yourself not going out with friends on the weekend because you're saving money. You will envision yourself only putting things in the Amazon cart but not actually purchasing them. You will envision yourself opening up bills and noticing, Oh, great. I'm slowly saving all. What is one thing Is there something that you hate doing that you know you need to do? Changing my litter box. Oh, okay. That was not the one I was expecting. Related to money and saving money. Related to money and saving money. I I put whole paychecks in my savings account, and it just hurts me a little bit.

Great. I want you to visualize and feel that it hurts. I want you to visualize that next paycheck going into saving and saving and saving and saving and saving And then I want you to say to yourself, I'm really proud of myself for doing that because that's going to help me go. And so for those of you, for example, that want to get in better shape, visualize walking in the rain because that sucks. And what happens when you visualize it and you feel it is you're training your body to expect that, which makes it more likely that you will take that paycheck and put it in savings, or you will keep walking as the rain comes because you've already mentally rehearsed this moment in your mind. This is the way that a team of nine psychologists are training our Olympic athletes in the United States. This has deep research with it. So stop thinking about the state and start thinking about all the annoying little stuff you got to do right now, and you will be there before you know it. You got it? Yes. Good. Oh my God. Go do it. Thank you. You're welcome.

All right.

I'm back with my husband, Chris.

Hi, Mel. Hi, Chris. Thanks for having me.

Of course. I was just sharing with everybody that when I first stumbled upon this high five habit and I started doing it, and then I asked you if you would try it for five days. Do you remember that?

Definitely. I said NFW.

You did have a very deliberate, I'm not doing that.

Yeah, I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. I found it ludicrous, quite honestly. Let's go to the mirror. Let's high five ourselves, and this is going to solve all problems.

Well, I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems, but I know, based on the research, and I know, based on the testimonials of 175,000 people and the testimonials that roll in every single freaking day that are so profound, that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself and the person in the mirror.

And that kicks open a door to an entirely new set of habits and an entirely new possibility.

We're laughing. But when I kept pushing you because I'm like, Dude, you're my husband. I need you to try this. I want you to take the high five challenge.

I want you to do this for five days.

You shared with me something that I didn't know, and the real reason why you thought this was stupid when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad. And honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse. So would you share with everybody the deeper insight as to why you had that reaction?

I think at the time, I related to the idea of a high five to myself as being encouragement, like looking forward, the idea that you would high five yourself to inspire forward action. And yet I find that the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes meeting your eyes. And that's where the struggle was. Because When I took that challenge on, I remember, really, the high five was easy. The looking at myself in the mirror, that was not easy.

Why?

Can I hold your hand?

I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past. I was looking back. I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five. I saw failure. I saw upset. I saw just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself. I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that. But just where I was at the time, I didn't feel like I deserve that high five. I think that that was probably the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was, This is stupid, when the truth is that I was not happy with myself and didn't think a high five was deserved?

It's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself. Because I stood next to you for years, the sink right next to you. When I looked at you, Like I saw the world's best dad, amazing husband. I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business. I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things. You just put on a smile and carried on. You were so stoic about it. Can you explain?

Because I think that there's a lot of people, especially men, that really beat the hell out of themselves when their career doesn't go, how they thought it was going to go, or they get laid off, or You become an entrepreneur.

And entrepreneurship looks fucking glamorous. It's a bitch, especially in the restaurant business. And you had been an entrepreneur. So can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed and why you felt that way?

It had to have been 15 years anyway.

Fifteen years?

Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it was just the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that. I'm not sure exactly when, but as you and I know, looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all the things that I did. But having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities and industries and companies and job changes, and I just never, ever related to myself like I was succeeding in a professional sense. I, of course, concluded that therein lies the source of my failure because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider, and to go, quote, make it happen. The discomfort with myself and my progress professionally was absolutely what, I think, dragged me down. Being an entrepreneur can seem glamorous. I would say that at the time when this whole thing and the high five challenge or the book came out, you and I were in the throes of it. I mean, we were, talk about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day. At least it just didn't seem it seemed like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good.

And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that. You might have seen me as a good husband or father or business partner, but those words weren't being shared between us. And so naturally, I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you. And But I also think that being in the thick of it and running as fast and as hard as we were, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff, fuck that. And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was to stand in front of that mirror and See your whole self. For guys, I think for guys, that is... For many, borderline feels impossible because that's what we do. We just get up, put the boots on, and go, Okay, Mel needs something. The wife needs something. The kids need something. The employer needs something. Okay, let me jam in a quick workout, maybe because maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind, body, or spirit needs, but also something that I think is an afterthought for guys.

We put everybody but ourselves first. The act The concept of standing in front of a mirror and high-fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, I love you, outlandish concept, but hugely, hugely important. It doesn't happen unless you're willing to really stop and slow down and consider that you matter more than your your kids, your employer, the rest of it. I think that's part of what has, I think maybe over the years, dragged me down was paying zero attention to me and paying all the attention or so I felt on everybody outside of me.

And providing and trying to prove that you were successful and trying to earn money and live up to also your dad's expectations. Yeah. Well, that's...

I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day. But yes, certainly growing up with a father that did what he did and accomplished what he accomplished. Even just the basics of Putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase, and catching a train, and working in a high rise in Manhattan. All of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing. None of which, of course, played out other than the occasional suit until ties and the rest of it flew out the window. But just I wasn't being like my dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror.

And I want to hear you talk more about that because I know that it's a bunch of things that come up for you because you're not in that place that you are in, where you look in the mirror and see a failure. You don't believe those things about yourself. The challenge of simply standing in the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you. That's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine. Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes and don't see a reflection, see a human being who needs you. That half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves.

It's a good point because you can... It sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror.

Yes.

Versus actually seeing yourself.

Yes. If you aren't looking through yourself, a lot of us look at all the things we don't like. Even gazing at ourselves is an act of self-criticism because we're like, I hate my this, I hate my that, my neck is saggy. You have since done tremendous amount of therapy. You and I have done the psychedelic supervised therapies. You are in the middle of getting your master's in spiritual transpersonal psychology. You are getting your training to be a death doula and to sit with people at the end of their life. You have also started a men's retreat called Soul Degree. You've been leading retreats with men for four years, Chris. There's a lot of emotion that comes up for you. Six. Six years, sorry.

Six years. Terrible wife. Can I get a high five? Cure me on, even though...

Thank you.

Don't let go of my hand.

I don't want to hold your hand.

You have been in the presence of so many men, and you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends through anxiety and through issues. I know there's a lot of emotion there. Can you just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed, about the coaching that you lead, the meditation circles that you lead, not from what you want people to know about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself, and that this is very foreign concept for boys and men.

Yeah, I think that the... I often talk about soul degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down, when the truth of the matter is it's in the slow down that all of those beautiful things can take place. I think that the reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys, is that, and I speak to all the partners and the spouses, the people that have sons and fathers and male counterparts, is that- Brothers? Yes, it is the responsibility of the individual to be able to look in the mirror and see the whole person, foibles and all. But why there is a lot of emotion is because in my experience in sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard. And that's not...

On an emotional level.

So let's go back to the mirror and what you experienced when for five days in a row, You made it a habit to stop at a time in your life where you still were beating the shit out of yourself and look yourself in the eyes and either say, I love you, which I know is one of your practices, to look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say, I love you.

But to me, one of the powers of the high five habit is there's a lot of people that won't say, I love you. And so the physical action of giving the person in the mirror a high five demonstrates love. And so what did you experience for yourself personally in terms of the science working, the shift in how you started to see the person in the mirror?

Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition. I think at one point, I don't remember if this is in the book, but The idea that there's so many mirrors out there in the world. I mean, you come across a mirror a dozen times a day, potentially. I tried that during the challenge. It wasn't just brush teeth in the morning one time, it was whenever I saw a mirror. I think that that's critically important because this high five thing, this idea, it's not... I know you call it the high five habit, but it's one of those things that doesn't... It almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual. And that's because next week or next year, some shit might go down and you might do something or something happens where you really feel immediately lousy about yourself. And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up saying, I love you, or high-fiving yourself, your life circumstance is going to get in the way frequently.

Correct. Just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep.

But when you come back, to that moment, because for me, personally, it's a moment of joining in with myself. It's a moment of partnership with myself. You used to coach almost all the teams that our kids played on when they were little, when they were really little. As a coach, if you think about when you high five a kid, it's either to congratulate them for something that they did Or it's to help them shake something off and know that there's somebody that believes in them and to get back out there into the game. For me, whether it's the high five I give myself in the morning after I brush my teeth and the moment I take to look at myself in the mirror, or like you said, I don't always high five myself throughout the day when I see a mirror, but I'll tell you something, I look at myself differently, and I know you do, too. The important of this because it is something that most of us don't do. I think we casually slip into the subconscious where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot. Every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the eyes and see a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in simply because you're here.

That, to me, is the power of this. What is the power of it for you?

I'm still a little steeped in acknowledging that, yes, I'm here, but not here physically and how great this is that I'm alive and breathing. Yes, that's all amazing. But when I look in the mirror, it's what I see is I guess I can see the age and the wisdom and the learning more. I'm more grateful for that, for having been through what I've been through. The looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, Okay, you got this. All right, your next meeting or your next whatever.

Maybe it should be.

Maybe. But like I said, I look forward less than I do look back. Great. And today in the look back, there's more gratitude and appreciation and a willingness to high five those elements of me, which for so many years, I hated.

When you look in the mirror, can you describe the person you see today?

I see a man for who he is, and I see a man with different but the same number of battle scars that every other man, I think, has. In in the sense of what I've been through, what's worked, what hasn't worked. I see a man who's worked his ass off, but not necessarily with the right mindset or for the right reasons. If there's regret, that's probably the area to dig in for me is just being able to completely release that, Yeah, whatever. I made that choice for that reason at that time with the tools that I had, and that's all I knew. I see today, looking in the mirror, somebody that is accepting of those decisions and choices that I made and even acknowledging the pain and the struggle that I was also blind to. The idea of coming to terms with having battled depression, I think I was oblivious to that for many years. Just didn't even occur to me. That might have been part of the resistance, too, I mean, if you're battling depression, a high five in the mirror definitely feels like the last thing in the world you would ever pursue.

But it's something that you should.

Oh, without a doubt. I see a man I love. I see a man I'm proud of. I see a great father, and I see a great partner to you. And I see a man who has accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I see a man who's doing his best and deserves a look in the eye and a high five.

All right. Well, I'll give you one. Oh, my God.

I think one last thing I want to say to the men out there, any man who feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down. I strongly encourage you to start with you and to begin with forgiveness. Not always so easy, but without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men, that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing. And while we don't always believe that the results live up, it's in the forgiveness and the starting with yourself and the self-acknowledgment.

I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning, because I know that we're going to get a ton of questions, Chris. How? How do I begin that? One step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror I'm shocked that I'm even saying this, given my initial reaction to the high five habit.

But I agree. Start right there. Start in the mirror.

Because if you change the story you're telling yourself about the person you see in the mirror, if you change the actions that you take in how you treat the human being in the mirror, if you change what you're thinking when you look in the eyes of the person in the mirror, that is the beginning of, for forgiving yourself. You will never forgive yourself if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion, and with forgiveness, and with understanding. One of the reasons why I'm going to keep hammering this, everybody, raise your hand and high five the mirror. Because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself and you can't stand your sofa whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something, you don't have to change your thoughts. The neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five, Chris, and all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it It has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science. And so the physical act does the work for you, and it starts to plow new neural pathways, and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving yourself.

But if You got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving because you are.

Yeah, I can't stress that enough. You could forgive yourself all day long walking down the sidewalk, but that's a futile exercise. The mirror is where it happens and seeing yourself.

You and I are unpacking this metaphor that Victoria Monet shared at the Grammys as she was accepting the award for best new artist after working in Hollywood for 15 years as a songwriter for other people. And she shared that she likes to, quote, liken herself as a plant that has been planted. And she uses it as a way to keep herself going during the 15 years that it took for her to get on that Grammy stage. And I want to focus on this idea of being planted and planted in a particular environment. Because the environment that you're in is crucial to your success. It makes sense, right? A tulip can't grow in cement, and you can't grow in cement either. And there was something else that Victoria Monet said when she is at the Grammys that helps us go a layer deeper. She said, I like to liken myself to a plant who is planted. And you can look at the music industry as soil. It can be looked at as dirty or it can be looked at as a source of nutrients and water. And my roots have been growing underneath ground, unseen for so long.

That last part of what she said, My roots have been growing underneath ground, unseen for so long. It's such a relatable feeling, isn't it? And what I want to focus on is what she said in the middle, that she was planted in the music industry for the past 15 years. The music industry can be looked at as soil, and you can look at that soil as either dirty, getting in your way, and not fair, and all the stuff that you and I tell ourselves as we start to feel discouraged that it's not happening fast enough. Or you can look at the soil, the place that you've been planted in, as the source of nutrients and water, something that is nourishing you toward your best self. And the fact is, she's right. The environment that you're in is critical to your growth, which begs the question, are you even planted somewhere? When you think about this big Grammy moment, the thing that you really want to work toward, are you even planted? Or are you Is he looking at other people's gardens? If you haven't started on your goal, then you aren't even planted yet. You're a pack of seeds sitting in the display rack at Home Depot, just waiting for somebody to buy it, nestle it into the ground, get things going.

And that's probably where you are, because the hardest part of growing is starting. You have to put the seed in the soil so that it actually can have a chance to grow. And so answer this question honestly for yourself. Am I even planted? Or am I just looking at other people's gardens? Am I looking at social media and TikTok and Instagram and all these influencers? Because that's exactly what it means to look at someone else's garden. You're not going to grow by doing that. You're going to actually feel stagnant. You're going to feel lost. You're going to feel discouraged. At some point, you got to wake the hell up and you got to plant yourself. If you have a seed of an idea, you've got everything inside of you to bloom into something extraordinary over time. Have you even started drafting out a table of contents for that book you've always dreamt of writing? Have you had Have you had a conversation with your boss about moving from HR to marketing? Have you started looking for therapists? Like, truly looking, calling, checking insurance. Have you had that conversation with your partner about what's been triggering you and why you're so annoyed all the time?

Or are you waiting for them to do it? You can either be thinking about something, sitting around waiting, waiting for someone else to spot you and sign you to a label instead of creating and publishing your own music. I want to tell you something. No one is coming. You need to start. You need to plant yourself so you can then begin to do the work to put down those roots, to wake up every day and put in the daily reps that it's going to take to grow into something extraordinary. If It might take you 15 days. You might be lucky. Might take you 15 months. Might take you 15 years. The difference between people who are successful and have everything that you want is they didn't quit when they felt like quitting. They got started instead of thinking about it. And you will never succeed. I won't succeed either in this idea of a supplement business. So let me come back to that question. What is your Grammy moment? Really visualize it. When I close my eyes, I can see the packaging. I can see it on a conveyor belt being packaged. That's how much I can put myself there.

I bet you can do the same thing. Well, guess what? It's time to prove it, not to me, but to yourself. I don't think you realize how much time you're wasting, looking at other people's gardens, checking out all the other flowers, talking about what everybody else is doing, instead of taking the action and committing to your own growth. And if you're sitting there and you're complaining to me, you're like, Well, I'm not really going anywhere. I guarantee you, you haven't planted yourself. You started dancing around the idea. Buying planners instead of actually doing the work. Do you do that? I do that. That's the preparing. It's the easy way to make an idea feel like it might be an idea. Okay, we're doing... No, you're not. No, you're not. I'm going to call I'm going to go out on this because it's the same thing that I do. I have done this in so many areas of my life where I've admired other people's gardens and then bitched about the fact that I'm not going anywhere. I'll admit something to you. When I was in my 40s, I was so lonely. I mean, I had no social life.

It's as if the bottom dropped out. And do you want to know what I did about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I knew what I wanted. I could visualize it, but I didn't do anything about it. I spent a lot of time looking at what other people were doing and then comparing myself to them or complaining to myself about it. When is it going to be my turn? Where did all my friends go? Why does nobody invite me anywhere? Why am I never going on these cool girl trips? Why does everybody else seem to have such amazing friends from high school and college, and 55 bridesmaids in their weddings, and raising their kids together? I mean, this went on for years. Why? Because I was staring Doing it other people's gardens and then using that to keep myself from doing anything. And for me, that big idea, that Grammy moment, if you will, was a life that was filled with friendship. That's what I wanted. That vision was so beautiful. I wanted it to bloom so desperately into its fullest expression. And yet, it just remained a seed. And here's the epiphany. It's not until I was brutally honest with myself.

Mel Robbins Sitting here behind this desk, scrolling through social media, it is not going to get you the friendships you want. All this freaking jealousy that you have, looking at what everybody else has sowed in their life, looking at the fruits that it beared. It is not going to get you what you want. Woman, what are you going to do about it? See, this is where you have to really think about the environment of your mindset. You want this aspect of your life to go? Prove it. If I want this supplement company to happen, I got to prove it. If I want to have incredible friendships, bloom in my life, I got to prove it. I cannot be the human version of a tulip in a tub of concrete and then complain, Why am I not growing? Why is it there? You want to know where grass grows? Grass grows where you water it. So if this is you in any area of your life where the grass is dead, no, it's dirt. It is downright dirt. And you're sick of looking at other people's beautiful lawns, shut your mouth, get off social media, don't tell me what you want or what you can't.

You want a green, beautiful, lush lawn? Then you better sow the seeds, and then you better take care of it. Not once, but every day. You got to water that new lawn every single day. Well, my neighbor's lawn is really green, and their dad put it in for them, and so they got, Who gives a shit? Is that going to help your lawn grow? No. You got to get serious about what you want, and then you have to plant yourself. And by planting yourself, I mean you get to work. Stop talking and start doing. And so I'm going to hit the pause. You can I'm here a few short words for our amazing sponsors. But don't you dare go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and we are talking about how you achieve your biggest ambition. And we've been unpacking something that Victoria Monet said when she won the Grammy for the best new artist and win in a Grammy. That is achieving a huge ambition, and you are going to achieve your huge ambitions. So now I want to talk to those of you who have started. You have ripped open that seed packet.

You have seeded the lawn. You've been out there standing with the hose, watering everything. You got yourself out of the cement and you put yourself into a beautiful pot. I'm talking to those of you for for example, who've been writing songs for other artists like Victoria Monet. She was doing that just not so long ago. I'm talking to those of you who are halfway through '75 hard, or you're on your third draft of your manuscript, or maybe you're in your first week of marathon training, or your fifth month of interviewing for a new job, and you have started, and I want to tell you, amazing. Amazing job. Congratulations. Getting started is the hardest part. Do you know how huge this is that you're doing it? That is incredible. And every single day that passes by, those little roots, they are spreading underground. Even though you may not see anything happening, they are spreading. Every day when you wake up and you take a step forward, you're learning something, you're getting a little stronger, you're gaining skills, you're starting to get a little bit confident. It's really working, even though you're sitting there going, Why don't I have a job yet?

When am I going to start making real money? Why does this look easy for everybody else? When's it going to be my turn to be the one on stage? To win the award, to make amazing money? When am I going to be the one to Sprout? Great question. Great question. If that's you, ask yourself, are you in a place right now where you are going to continue to grow. If you're complaining about the dirt, then do something about it. But you got to ask your sofa real, are you actually getting the nourishment that you need? Are you getting the support from yourself and the people around you. If not, it is time to pick up your roots and move yourself from that little pot where you become root bound and plant yourself somewhere else, somewhere where you have a little bit more room to grow, a little bit more positivity in sunshine, where the soil is maybe a little richer, a little more nourishing. Maybe it's full of other plants that are like you. It's time for a new environment. It's time to raise the game, to try new things, to be around more people. It is time to level up.

It is time to pick yourself up and actually put yourself in a different place to grow. So here's the example. For the past five years, my husband, Christopher, he has really been wanting to write a book. And if you're new to the podcast, my husband Chris leads men's retreats. He is a death doula. He is about to finish his master's in transpersonal psychology. This is a human being on a mission to make a difference, helping other men create more meaningful lives. For the last five years, Christopher Robbins has had a Grammy moment. He has had this vision in his mind. He has had the seed of an idea, and here it is. He really wants to write a book. I got to acknowledge him. He didn't leave that seed of an idea in a packet on some display shelf. He planted it. Here's what he's been doing. For five years, the man has been silently, quietly writing. Every day when he wakes up for the past five years, he has written in a journal. And he says, You know, Mel, I must have written over 400,000 words by hand in my journals these past five years.

Four hundred thousand words. Not another human being has read it. This is something he's been doing day in and day out. So let me ask you, are the roots growing? Absolutely. Stronger every day. Is he becoming a better writer? Absolutely. And you want to know how he feels? He feels the same way that Victoria Monet felt, unseen. He's questioning. He's wondering if this is leading anywhere. I can recall at least a dozen times in the past year alone, where he's turned to me and said, I just don't feel like I have anything What's he going to say. I mean, absolutely everything that I would actually want to write a book about. I mean, somebody's already published a book on that topic. Somebody has already researched it. I mean, what more do I have to say that's any different than what somebody else has already had to say? And I'm sure Victoria Monet felt the same during those 15 years. Just like I'm sure you've probably felt more times than you can remember. Well, about a year ago, it was very clear that Chris had stopped This daily practice of writing in his journal, I mean, had certainly grown a very, very large system of roots.

It had created this foundation. He clearly is a writer, but he needs a bigger pot. He needs more nourishment. He needs to improve He needs to improve the soil that he's in. He needs to change the environment so that he can continue to grow. So what did he do? He hired a writing coach. When he told me, I'm like, What's a writing coach? He said, It is somebody that I talk to once a month that makes sure I write this book. They help me with the table of contents. They give me assignments related to the book. They help me continue to move toward the light. Just like a plant turns toward the son. Chris took the actions that helped him turn toward this idea of writing a book. Now, this coach certainly helps water and nourish and grow Chris into becoming a writer. And honestly, you need to do the exact same thing. If you're already chipping away at this and you're feeling stagnant, and you know what that feeling feels like, you have to get into a different or bigger or deeper or wider environment And for me, an example of this was joining a mastermind group with other people that are in the same business, authors and podcasters, and surrounding yourself with people that are pursuing what you want is one of the best There are ways that you can continue to grow.

And see, I think you make a mistake. You make a mistake that I made, which is you think you're in competition with people who have already had the Grammy moment. Those people that have had a Grammy moment, those are not people that you're in competition with. Those people should be your best friends because they know what you're going through. And you think that, oh my gosh, if I'm around other people that want the same things that I want, then those people are going to cast shadows, and I'm not going to be able to grow around. Baloney. Are you kidding me? Being around other people that want similar things is a way that you can invest in your own growth. Go find them. That's where you want to be. And if you're sitting there and you're still getting all antsy and annoyed with me, and you're like, I have been doing that. Nothing's happening. I'm going to ask you something. Are you actually hitting it every single day? A hundred %. If you've been at this for a while, I'm willing to bet you're probably on a little bit of an autopilot. You're probably just cruising along because you're convincing, It's not going to happen for me.

You're resigned. The message for you is very clear. You got to be patient. If you've been at this for a while, you probably forgot about the fundamentals. You probably forgot that all that stuff that you hate doing, the stuff that's a pain, you probably stop doing that. That's always what happens with me. Same is true with a lawn, by the way. Your grass could be absolutely gorgeous and green at the beginning of the summer. What happens if you stop doing one of the fundamental things, like watering it? In the sun, it basically burns and dries up and dies. And if you stop doing the fundamentals because you get discouraged or you're tired or you're just sick of it, that's going to happen to you. So the takeaway for you is get back to the basics, get back to the roots, get back to the fundamentals, all that stuff that nobody wants to do. And don't quit. Day in and day out, build the roots because it's from those roots and the foundational actions that you have to take that you have the strength to continue to bloom. And I need to warn you about something.

It's not going to happen overnight. It just doesn't. It's going to take time, and you're going to have to sit there in the soil. And you have to remind yourself that you are growing, and that when the time is right, those roots, they will be there to lift you toward your version of a Grammie. Don't forget, it took Victoria Monet 15 years of feeling unseen and defeated and questioning if her dream to write a top song of her own was ever going to happen. That is 5,478 days to win her first Grammy. And I want you to ask yourself now, how long have you been at your role? And don't let this question discourage you, because it's easy to forget that over the course of those 15 years, Victoria was doing some pretty amazing things. I mean, she was writing songs with Ariana Grande and Brandi and so many other amazing artists. And there's no doubt that those experiences, while she may have felt unseen, they're part of the root system. It contributed to her growth. It supported her in going on and being able to win those three Grammys. It means that when she burst onto the scene, you know what we know about her?

This is not going to be a one and done. Oh, hell no. This is just the beginning, and you're going to be the same way. Why? Because the roots are strong. Do not forget to count all those little wins along the way. You may be knocked down at the end of your rope, and you can have your big cry. But those of us who become successful are the people who wake up tomorrow morning and we keep going after it. The The game of success is about stamina. Do not allow yourself to be sitting around looking at everybody else blooming and going, Yeah, we're going to be my turn. Of course, it's going to be your turn. Why? Because you're designed to grow. And trust me, I wish there was a shortcut. But in life, there is no miracle grow to make you bloom faster. But one thing that I have found that helps me on those days when I feel like, My God, is this ever going to happen? It's just six simple words. What if this does work out? What if on those days where I don't feel seen, or I start to question the sanity of my idea, what is a dumb idea, Mel.

What are you doing thinking about that stuff? I know you've said that to yourself. Just remind yourself, what if this does work out? When I say those six words, it keeps me in the game. And that's all you need to do. And before you know it, I promise you, you will find yourself just like Victoria Monet did. At the very end of her speech, she said, And my roots have been growing underneath ground, unseen for so long, and I feel like today, I'm sprouting above ground. I love that she uses the word 'sprout'. Because when I hear the word 'sprout', because when I hear the word 'sprout', I think of this teeny tiny little thing that comes up from the seed. And I would have expected her in a moment like that to be like, 'I am a big, beautiful bloom, and I am just getting started. And That's the genius of this metaphor, that you are going to grow your whole life. And this idea will take hold. Why? Because of your roots. Big goals, just like huge, beautiful blooms on a flower, they require a big root system in order to support them.

That mighty oak that sprouts from a teeny tiny acorn? Massive root system, period. And I believe that patience is the most important thing, because the time that you spend building is directly proportionate to just how big and how beautiful your life is going to be. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe, because I don't want you to miss a thing.

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