Every time Oakley has been on the podcast, we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed to Oakley from listeners around the world. And the thing that's always really surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages. I do have to say, you've really cracked the code on so many things that I struggled with. I feel at times like I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be 100 years who came back as you.

That would be cool.

All right, let's jump in. The first question. This one from a 17-year-old, Oakley, I'm 17 years old, and I just want to know, how do I ensure a stress-free college search? And before you jump into this, because I know you're going to talk about the pressure, I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something. It's true. And you don't know how to manage it, whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you are not dating anybody, and you really want to find the one, and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you want to find your purpose, and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life, and so you start to get stressed about the process. And so as you listen to us unpack this, because I don't know what you're going to talk about, Oak, listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about.

And now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing, though, because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age, so it must amplify it. Where do you want to start with this?

I think if we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, stress is a natural part of life. So you will never live a life that is stress-free. You will always feel stress with things like the college process, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that. Everything can involve stress. I think first accepting that in life you'll feel stressed is super important and not resisting the stress when it comes is important. With the college process in particular, I know that's super stressful. Honestly, I think it's supposed to be stressful.

Why?

Because you look at these colleges and you look at all the acceptance rate. Oh, my God, it's like 13 %. And oh, my God, 10,000 kids are doing this. And oh, my God, I have to write one essay and everything relies on this one essay and they know nothing about me, but I really want to get into this school. It's really stressful and this isn't going to get me into college, and so I delete it. And then I write another one and I'm like, This isn't good enough. This isn't going to get me into college. And I think for me and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath and just stop and take your time because you are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique. And something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again, is that no matter where you end up, it won't predict your life. If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to get the job you want or live in the place you want to live.

And nine times out of 10, that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet. And if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it and do another one. But it's important to not let... It's important to not have a mindset of my whole life depends on this.

What if it feels like it does? How do you gain perspective? When you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it, and every time you're with adults, you're like, So, where are you applying to school?

And where are you going to- It really is an everyday conversation everywhere. It's a pain. I think it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say. Well, you are worried about the college process. If you spend the rest the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable.

Oak, I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that the way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now. And I know that that's hard to do. It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges. It's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything. If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job. If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids. Same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere and you start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you. And the real advice here that is so true because you can get yourself worked up about anything is learning how to appreciate where you are right now.

Yeah.

You said something the other day that I think is really important, which is I wanted to ask you something about that essay.

Yeah.

And you said, Mom, I have to hear about this all day long at school. I do not want to talk about this with you right now. I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary and the one place you don't want to talk about it is at home. And this is really important because boundaries are something that are your responsibility. And you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it. And you just basically said, I don't want to talk about this with you because I'm getting it all day long. And I would not have known that otherwise. And this is very important for you listening too. You can say to your family members, I don't want to talk about whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job. My weight is not up for discussion. Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody. And so you did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you.

And that's exactly what this person, this listener that's writing in should do with their parents, like express that boundary.

Yeah, setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to help some people. No, this is good. This is a good thing. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to help some people out. If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college. And so that is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it because it is all consuming. Until they've hit the submit button, it's all they'll think about. It's all they'll care about. And it's the last thing they ever want to talk about because it's always on their mind and it's annoying. So give them some space. Time at time. Don't always talk about it.

You're right, Oak. Don't bring it up because you know that they feel pressure about it. And this advice, it goes for anything that anyone in your life is under pressure about. I can give you a couple of examples. Let's say your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby. You don't need to ask about it because guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wandering. They wake up every day. And the last thing that they need is you bringing up. How's it going? And I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet, and she never had kids of her own. And you want to know what? It kills her. If there was one thing that she could change, it would have been that she had had kids of her own. And so when her mom occasionally is like, it just breaks my heart that you never had children. You would have been the best mother. My friends are literally like, You don't think I wish I would have been? Why the hell are you bringing this up? Talk to your therapist about that.

Don't lay that on me. And so I do think this is really important. If somebody that you love cares about something, the job search, the search for a house, you don't need to bring it up. If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you. Just give them space, show them you love them, and show them that you care about them, and do it in other ways. Great advice, Oak. Here's another question. We're going through a divorce and I'm worried about our kids.

You don't have to give them reason. You don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce. But I would be honest with them. We're unhappybe like, blah, blah, blah. And it is not your fault. Make sure you reinstate that. That's huge because plenty of kids worry that it is their fault. But also take their needs into account. And if they want to just take their suggestions and their needs into account. So if they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, if they want to go somewhere, you should let them. You shouldn't be like, no, you can't. You can't go anywhere. You have to be with me right now, all this stuff. There are people, too. They're living their own lives. You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They're in just as much pain because they're watching their two parents separate. So just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving.

Then they need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.

Yeah, 100 %. Do not talk about your spouse with them. Don't be like, Oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing or stuff like that. Do not. They don't need to hear it.

Oakley, my 15-year-old is always in her room. Do I just let her be? I'm scared for our relationship, and I don't know what to do.

Well, I'm guessing she's always in her room because she is probably on her phone. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?

I mean, most likely, yeah.

Okay, so she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.

Honestly, since I'm a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or talking to my friends on the phone.

So she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone?

Yes.

Okay, so what do you do about that?

She's 15, so her whole world is her friends.

When do you think somebody should be alarmed that their teen is spending a ton of time alone in their room?

What would be- I think it's like if you don't see them. They come home from school and they just don't leave their room. That's when it is alarming.

And do you have a good lead in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.

I'd just be like, Hey. I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently, and I'm just curious as to what's happening.

Nothing.

Then I would say, I don't respond to nothing. That's a great... I use that all the time. No shit you do.

I have an in.

Okay, what's your in?

You don't seem like yourself.

Yeah, that's good. That'll get them. Because if there is something wrong, then they'll be like, You're right. There is something wrong. Yeah, that gets them.

Okay. And even if they don't answer right away, it marinates.

And then they'll be like, They know. I think a big thing you could do is probably have a family dinner, designated time where everybody has to come together. I think there's also the fact that she's getting older, however, and so you don't want to step on her coattails too much. You want to give her a little bit of freedom. But I would just, in a polite way, I would just have a mandatory dinner. It's an hour and a half every night. That's when you guys can get together and talk.

So don't worry about the fact that she's in a room on her phone. Is there any thing to do at dinner that opens up conversation?

Yeah. We play a game called High and Low, which is in the title. You share your high of the day and your low of the day, and you just go around and you say you're high and low. And that usually opens up conversation pretty well for us.

Yeah, it really does. Okay, so okay. What amount of gaming is normal? My son is 17, like Oakley, and is, I think, playing too much games.

Yeah, I think I definitely used to have a problem with gaming too much. Really? When I was younger, yeah, for sure. Just because... Well, the thing with guys is that it's super common for a girl to jump on the phone and talk to her best friend for three hours. That's not frowned upon, which is totally fine. But for a guy, guys don't really do that. But what they do do is they jump on their Xbox, to their console or their computer and they game for three hours. And the guy thinks of it as the equivalent of talking to their friend on the phone. They're on for three hours. But instead of just talking, they're doing something in front of them as well.

You know, dad and I used to fight about this all the time.

I do, yeah.

Because he would be so upset that you were spending hours on whatever video game, I'd be like, Dude, he's not alone. He's hanging out with his friends. They're on their headsets or talking to each other while they're playing. This is a playdate.

And.

It wasn't until he started to understand that this is the equivalent for you anyway, of throwing the ball around, kicking the soccer ball around. And also the thing about gaming is most kids that are gaming, they also do it because they're good at it. And it's one thing they're good at.

Yeah, it is. That's what's nice about it because you can be good at it. It's easy to get good at it, and your friends are into it. And when you're young and you don't have a car and you can't go out and hang out with them and you don't ask your parents, it's just so easy to turn it on and start talking to them and doing something else. Reel it in. I'm saying an hour or two a weekend, if it's three, four, they're just talking to their friends. They're just trying to connect with people because they can't go anywhere else right now. And so I wouldn't worry too much. But again, if it's their whole life and they're just doing it 9:00 to 5:00, I would say you should consider doing other things. What do you do if.

You're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites? Oh.