Today, we are talking about how you can protect yourself from other people's bad moods, how you deal with annoying coworkers. And boy, oh, boy, do we have a juicy question at the end of this conversation today from Celeste about gossip? You are going to just love her question. And I'm so excited because we all have stories about dealing with people who are like energy suckers. And I am bringing some stories today. But I want to make sure that you leave with some tools. And so I not only got some of the fun stories you're going to relate to from my own life, but I've got really visual metaphors and tools that are simple to remember. They're sticky. You can teach them to anybody. One, you're going to learn how to put up an energetic force field. Two, we're going to talk about strategies for how you protect yourself from other people's baloney. And three, I'm going to teach you how to keep yourself in a positive mood, because that means no matter what's going on around you, you can be a force for good, and you can protect your own energy, even when people are testing your patients or trying to suck your energy dry.

So let's jump right in with a question from a listener named Veronica.

Hi Mel.

It's Veronica.

In the.

Workplace and I'm sure in other spaces too.

I find that there are some.

People who, whether they.

Are.

Conscious of it or not, project their panic and anger in emails and communications.

Which more often than not.

Turns my fine day.

Into panic and anger as well. They are people.

Who bring the house.

Down with them. How can you hear what they are saying and not be emotionally affected by it?

Thank you. Veronica, that example of the emails, like when you get a text in all caps or you get one of those emails where you can hear the edge in somebody's voice and you're just like, Why are you doing verbal diarrhea at me right now through this email? Because you would not speak to me this way. And I have this story. So I was in Los Angeles last week, and we were checking in at the front desk. And this woman comes huffing and puffing from the elevators. And she's doing that walk where people are really hustling and shuffling on the floor and their elbows are really pointy, like they're trying to pump their arms to make them walk even faster and with more authority. And she had this high pony and it was swinging in the air. And she had a really fancy piece of luggage she was dragging, a duffel bag. And then there was this woman behind her, huffing and puffing behind her, too. And they walk right up next to us at the front desk, and she slams her hands on the table. As Chris and I are in the middle of talking to the woman who's checking us in.

Now, keep in mind, the woman who's checking us in, it's probably 9:15 at night in Los Angeles, she looks like she's probably 24. And I assume, given that I have a 24-year-old daughter and I have a 22-year-old daughter that she is probably a recent college grad who has majored in hospitality. And now she is in a two-year intern program where she is working in a hotel in a city she doesn't live in, and she's got that big blazer on that doesn't fit quite right, and you can tell that she's exhausted. I got this huffy, puffy, annoying woman next to who is clearly entitled, and she's angry. What is she angry about? Oh, well, the doors to her balcony, they don't close all the way. I didn't even know there were balconies on the rooms in this hotel. I mean, I'm not in that room. So she starts venting at this woman, venting at this 24-year-old woman in a hospitality internship program who does not have the authority to do anything, who is clearly exhausted and who, by the way, is not responsible for the door to your balcony not working. And so why are you just vomiting on this poor gal?

And you could see the life force just drain out of this woman who was standing at the front desk. And she apologized. She said she would get the manager who wasn't in and would be in in the morning. And then the woman huffed and she puffed. Well, what are you going to do about it now? I can't stand you in the end. Like, I can't stand people like this. There is no reason not to be kind to other people. There is no reason not to ask for help in a polite manner, because the people that you're asking for help from almost never are responsible for the thing that's not working. And the person that's emailing you at work who's all frustrated because of the queue for numbers and the boop, boop, boop, boop, and the client this and the du, du, du, du. You're not responsible for the stuff that's stressing them out. And so here's what I did in that moment, because a couple of things happened in that story. Number one, that woman's bitchy behavior and entitlement, it's like contagious. And when somebody's yelling at you, whether it's an email or you're separated by the front desk at the hotel that you're working at, it still gets all over you.

I think about the visual almost like, if you've ever walked your dog and they jump into muddy water or they roll in the mud or, heaven forbid, you're walking on the beach and there's a big, nasty, rotting fish on the beach and your dog runs right up to it before you can get to the dog. And now your dog is rolling all in it. And it's like... And then they run over to you. And what does a wet, dirty dog always do when that dog gets up to you? They shake. And when they shake, all of that negative, nasty, muddy fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it just hits you. And when somebody is in a positive or a nasty mood, it's like a muddy dog shaking. And that energy gets all over you. And so it's critical in these moments that you protect your energy. And for me, I normally speak up when I see this thing, because normally I have really great energy and I'm not going to let somebody get away with that. But the truth is, I was really tired. I had just flown across country and we were in town to do something that was weighing on my mind.

And I just didn't want to get into a fight with somebody who clearly had an ax to grind with absolutely anybody. And I'm not going to change this person anyway. And so what I do in those moments, when I start seeing that muddy dog shake or that high pony tails start flapping her mouth and being rude, is number one, I take a deep breath. That's it. I just take a deep breath. And there's a breath technique that you can use called 4-7-8. I don't remember who came up with this. I'm sure some will put it in the show notes. But you breathe in for four seconds, hold it for seven, then out for eight. And I read somewhere that the eight part is the most important. Because when you breathe out for longer than you breathed in, it sends a signal to your nervous system that it's okay to relax. And the 4-7-8 breathing technique will start the relaxation response in your body. And so if you get that all cap text from a friend, or you get that really rude email from a colleague, or you're standing somewhere in public and some jerk is annihilating the person and you just don't have the energy to go, Hey, you don't have to be rude about it.

Do the 4, 7, 8 breathing technique to signal the relaxation response in your body to protect your energy. I have a second tactic that I love. Oh, my gosh, I love this. Here's the visual. I use this all the time. In fact, I just used this in a different situation last night. I call it the snow globe. So have you ever had a Snow Globe as a kid? It's that glass ball and in it, they have these typically around the holidays or if you go to a museum or a gift store at a theme park, they tend to sell them there. I don't know why. But it's this glass ball and in it is usually some scene. Imagine a holiday tree, some reindeer, something like that comes to mind. Or you could think about the palace. What's that? Cindyarellas Palace at Disney. They probably have snow globes with Cindyarellas Palace at Disney, right? What happens when you pick up a snow globe and you shake it? All of that crap in it starts flying around. You know what that crap is? It's like that wet dog mud. Think about a snow globe. The next time you are around anybody who gives you attitude.

Because when you picture the person like the chick with the high pony tail trapped in her own little snow globe, and there she is bitching and barking about something and spewing her negative energy everywhere. But if you think and picture her having her tantrum in a snow globe, Let me out of here! And all of that sparkly stuff is what gets shaken up and all the negative energy. If you visualize her inside the snow globe, you can laugh at her, and it doesn't get on you. So I use this even a couple of days ago. I was at a coffee shop and again at another airport, and we were standing in line and we ordered coffee and they were super, super busy and it was taking a long time. And I looked at the watch, we had 20 minutes before the flight was going to leave. And Chris was getting testy with me because he's the person, my husband, that we have the opposite travel languages. So I have my travel language is be the last person on the plane. Get to the gate as late as possible without missing the plane. Spend as little time in the airport as possible.

Chris, on the other hand, he basically likes to scroll through an airport. He likes to sit at the gate for a while and get comfortable and read his book and enjoy his coffee. He loves getting there early. And so we have the exact opposite travel language. He has agreed to stand on this long line with me to get a cup of coffee. He's starting to get agitated, not quite Snowglobe agitated. But you can tell he's getting nervous and his coffee comes out. And so I said, Why don't you take it and go and hold the plane for me? I'll be right there. So he leaves. And now it's taking a minute and another minute and another minute. And I start to realize, Holy cow, I'm going to miss this plane. I start to realize, Holy cow, I actually need to leave. And so I go to the counter and I say to the woman, they are really busy. I mean, you can tell she's stressed. And I'm not like the lady with the pony tail. I just lean forward and say, hey, is the drink for Mel about to be done, because otherwise, I'm going to just have to say give it to somebody.

And she had a tantrum. I'm doing the best of my hand. She erupted. See, when somebody throws a tantrum, here's what I know. What I know is they're having trouble tolerating all the negative emotion that they're feeling. This woman behind the counter is feeling a ton of pressure. She's behind. She's frustrated. I'm sure other people have been rude to her. And my question to her, it was the straw that broke the Campbell's back. She just couldn't handle the negativity and the stress anymore in her body. And so she had a tantrum. She exploded at me. Whatever. She's allowed to have a tantrum. It's a stressful job. I get it. And because I can picture her inside her own little snow globe, having her own little tantrum, all the sparkly stuff flying all around her, that's her negative energy, it stays inside the snow globe. I said, no problem. Totally understand. And I left and went to my plane. And you know what? I didn't let it bother me. And that's the beauty of these strategies. See, there are always going to be people and situations in life that are triggering. The world is full of jerks and people who cannot tolerate their own emotional experience.

And when you do the 4, 7, 8 breath to trigger a relaxation response inside yourself, you take control. When you visualize whomever it is, whether it's the colleagues sitting behind their desk and they're stomping on their keyboard, having their own little tantrum in their little cubicle, inside their little snow globe, you protect yourself. And that way, these emotional vampires that are out there in the world in these emotional vampire-y type situations that drain you and your energy, they don't impact you. And this is so important because when you look at the research around human connection, our brains are programmed to connect with other human beings. That's how we're wired. It's part of our biology, our physiology. In fact, we seek out connection. We want meaningful bonds, because when we do that, it not only feels good, but your brain releases oxytocin, which is a wonderful feel good chemical in your brain. It rewards that thing. And if we feel disconnected, we feel unsafe. And in fact, if we're around somebody else who's stressful or weird, or hostile, like the chick with the ponyail, do you know what happens? Your brain releases yet another chemical. This one's called cortisol.

And cortisol is the stress hormone. And so you immediately not only sense that something's off with this person, but you also have this chemical physiological response. I think that's why we often label people's behavior as toxic or icky or gross because it feels that way to you, just like a dog that is shaking and gets their mud all over you. And I think we know, common sense wise, that people's moods and energy are contagious. But there's a new study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham universities that show that bad moods, they're not only contagious, they're more infectious than good moods. And on top of all of this, your brain has something called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are amazing because what they do is in nanoseconds, they can process and register any human being's facial expression, body language, tone of voice. It's absolutely unbelievable. And what ends up happening is your mirror neurons make you start to mirror the same emotions as the people around you. This is why when you're watching a movie and that sappy music comes on or somebody in the movie starts to cry, your mirror neurons are what are triggering you to start welling up too.

And they also work for the positive. If you look at somebody eye to eye and you hold eye contact and you flash a huge toothy smile, it takes less than five seconds for the mirror neurons and the person who you are looking at and smiling at to kick in. And that person will not be able to help themselves but smile back. And this is important for you to know because it works both for the good, you can catch really good energy, and when it comes to bad energy, that's easier to catch. You need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good, so let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. I mean, just for a second with me. Just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog or you're driving around in your car or you're working from home, or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now. What's your energy level?

Think about a fuel gage in a car. Empty to full. Empty in a human being means you feel depleted. You feel burnt out. You feel checked out. You feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized, you're excited. You feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on, it may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life, too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings. I know that sounds woo woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode. But let me prove it to you. Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop? And the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is. It doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like... That energy actually impacts you, just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious. And most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm going to teach you to trust it because energy is also tied to intuition.

And we're going to get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're going to talk about today. And what if the very next morning you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day. Like one of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low. And the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet. And they look you in the eyes and they give you a big smile and they are really cheery and they compliment you. And they maybe even ask you, hey, how are you doing? You're like, oh, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy. That's why a compass always points true north.

It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you're like, but if you like the person, you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it. I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. And in each one, I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back in order to know when it's time to let go. Situation number one is super easy, and this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior. This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this. We all have a pair of pants that we're holding onto from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into. When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them.

When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself. That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it, you need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let them go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine that's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job or your parents or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining?

Because that's negative energy pouring out and you directed that same effort toward something positive, like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good. I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like. Instead of realizing I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100 % zapping your energy or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is one. The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem. Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistance, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one, or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy.

And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive, and that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's say, how old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter, who's now 23. And we had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender. And I love that job working for legal aid. And so we moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay. So I get a job in this huge law firm. And working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week, from eight o'clock in the morning till five o'clock in the afternoon.

That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it. And for a year, I would get on the commuter rail and I would commute in for 45 minutes. And then I would get off the commuter rail and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp over to the building. And then I would get in the elevator and then I would take the elevator up to whatever the 23rd floor. And then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door. From the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job.

Yes, I got a paycheck and I needed it. So it served a purpose. But I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well, that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing that that's how I felt, instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and into looking for something else, I sat there miserable, and I felt depleted, and I felt awful. And I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant and I had a baby and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when with distance from it, I was like, okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had exes like that, where you're like, in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, what the hell was I thinking?

Now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck, I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity cortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, But I need the money, but I can't do this. But I don't have it. And then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy in the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck, stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant. I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the cortex of negativity. I've been let go. But now I got to go back. And so my husband, Chris, says to me, Look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage and we have a baby and you will go crazy being home. And so here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have 12 weeks to find a job and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting?

If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job, it wasn't for 60 grand. It was for 55. But that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go. What do you say? I guess I quit. But they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy cortex. Your body knows, your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior or the job that sucks your soul dry, there is nothing that you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity.

Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about that you go to day to day convincing yourself you can't leave, you can't find something, la da da da da da da, it's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship or the pants or the project, period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff and it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize are interfering with this free, flowing, reciprocal, give and take that really brings amazing things into your life. So when we come back, that's what we're going to talk about. Because this notion that I'm teaching you of letting go and energy, it's not complicated at all. But life doesn't work that way. Life can get really complicated.

There are two rules that I want you to start practicing right now because these are the two big energy drainers. Okay? And you can start today. Energy drainer number one, any time you're complaining. That's right. Complaining to yourself is a complete energy drain. Period. We were heading here to the studio. There was a ton of traffic. We were running late. I could feel the negative wave of stress coming. I could feel the depletion coming. I could feel it all happening. I could feel the thoughts starting to go... That is when you are sucking your own energy dry. I started complaining. Should have got up early. Should have done this. Stop complaining. Stop complaining about that job you don't like. Stop complaining about the traffic. Stop complaining about your partner. Stop complaining about your weight. Stop complaining about the things in your life. Because here's the truth. With a little bit of effort and a little better attitude and a little positive energy, you can freaking change anything because you can take the actions that change anything. And so instead of bitching about the job, get busy tomorrow morning and start looking for a new one.

Instead of complaining that you don't have any friends, spend some time putting yourself in activities where you're going to meet new people. This is so important anywhere in your life where you are complaining, you are your own energy drain because you are pouring negative energy at something instead of redirecting that same effort and attitude and just into something positive. That's rule number one, no complaining. I dare you. Try to go 24 hours and not complain about anything today. It's next to impossible. I would love to hear from you if you take this challenge on. Seriously, I would. Just tag me on social media. Tell me how the 24-hour rule is going of no complaining. Rule number two, stop trying to control other people. Stop it. I was at an event in Las Vegas with my friend... Not Las Vegas. I was an event in Los Angeles with my friend Kathy Heller. We took a bunch of questions from the audience. This particular question from one woman I can't stop thinking about. How do you stop controlling your friends? You stop. That's how you do it. When you catch yourself trying to control someone and then you let go of the desire to change them and you redirect all of that angst and energy toward caring, listening, supporting, creating this reciprocal exchange of allowing them to show up exactly as they are, you get connection back.

Your attempt to control somebody blocks connection. It blocks the exchange between people. And here's one more thing about letting go when it comes to relationships. Maybe sometimes the purpose that some people play in your life is simply to teach you how to let go. Let's go back to the top of Haystack Mountain in Southern Vermont because our friend Mel Robbins, she has huffed and she has puffed. And step by step, she has made it to the top of Haystack Mountain. And there's something interesting about that. It's an example of how putting in the effort, throwing in the energy and doing things that may be hard. They may be a struggle. They may make you pant and turn bright red in the face. They may make you feel like maybe you can't do this. That's good. That is so good. Because when you push yourself to do something out of your comfort zone, that is positive. And what do you get back? You get back all kinds of positive energy in return. You feel pride. You feel happy. You grow a little bit, you get a great view. And speaking of view, Mel has something that she wants to say to you to wrap this up.

The other amazing thing about hiking and being out here in the woods and climbing on top of a mountain is that once you actually get to the top, your whole brain distorts how painful it was to cross the bridge, hike the trail, and go step by step to get where you wanted to go. But it just goes to show you with just a little bit of consistent effort and an optimistic attitude, inch by inch, step by step, you can make anything happen. Tool number one is a framework. You're starting to realize Mel Robbins, she loves her frameworks. And here's why. I think advice is boring and intellectual. And so I like to have metaphors and frameworks because it helps me to truly make it stick. So here's one of my favorite frameworks for friendship. You probably heard it. There are three types of friendships, and this helps you be really flexible in your friendships. It also helps you to remind yourself of the truth. So here are the three types of friendships. You're ready? And this framework is there are friends for a reason, there are friends for a season, and there are friends for a lifetime.

That's it. And if you think about people coming and going in and out of your friendship zone in a flexible way because they're either there for a reason or they're there for a season or they're there for a lifetime, you now no longer are gripping. You can be flexible. You can assume people like you. You can stop holding on to the wrong people and trying to force somebody who's just there for a reason to try to be a lifetime friend. This is such a helpful framework. Let me explain it. So these people are in your life for a reason. These would be work friends. You see them all the time because you work together. They might be the parents of other kids that are on your kid's sports team, or they might be people that are on your team that you're playing sports with. They're there for a reason. They might be your neighbors. They're there for a reason. These are great friends to have. They're there for a certain period of time. They're there to teach you something. They're there to support you on a leg of the journey called life. These are awesome friends, but don't grip onto them.

Be flexible with them. Let them come in and out of your life. Love them up. Enjoy them while they're there with you. And then at some point, when you no longer have that reason to have those friends in your life, they fade a little bit. They're still your friends. I guarantee you, 10 years later, if you were good friends with your neighbor, they would certainly help you out. So would your friends at work. This is why flexible friendship is such an awesome concept. Now let's talk about a season. So these are folks that are there typically a little bit longer. They're there for a chapter, a season. So they might be the people that you met in college, and you were really, really close friends during college, and you were really maybe room together after college. But then people start peeling off. They start heading in different directions. They maybe move away to different cities or they get married, and so these are close friends for a certain season of your life. I find that I had a lot of really good friends that I was friends with when I was a young mom. That was a really amazing season of my life.

I will cherish that season of my life. I had so many close female friends because we were all doing life in the same season at the same time. And when that season ended and my kids went to middle school and then they scattered even further in high school, and then all of a sudden, the bomb drops on everything when they go off to college. That season of my life was over. In fact, it had been over for a long time. And so seasons are a beautiful thing. And I'm in a new season of my life. I'm beginning a new season here in Southern Vermont. And I bet you're beginning a new season. So many of us had a reckoning with ourselves about what really mattered during COVID. And it's why so many of you made major changes like my husband and I did. And it's why those of you that haven't are probably thinking about major changes because you haven't truly accept the things that you were processing around COVID and the changes that you would like to make. And so friends for a season are amazing, absolutely amazing. Just love them. And when the season changes, be flexible because a new season is beginning, which means a new seasons of friends are going to emerge.

And lifetime friends, those are those 4:00 AM friends we talked about. And remember, you're doing pretty dynamite. If you can think of that one person that you could just pick up the phone at four o'clock in the morning and call, and you know that they would pick up and just chat with you just because you wanted to talk to a friend. So tool number one, use that framework to enforce this flexibility, reason, season, and lifetime. Don't force people into the wrong category. This is a big one. Please stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be right now. Sometimes some of the most generous and beautiful and loving things that you can do for people is to graciously let them go and let them grow and let them be who they need to be in this season of their lives. Now, let's move on to tool number two, which you are probably going to hate, and that is you need to take action. That's going to require you to step out of the comfort zone of your couch and the comfiness of a Friday night alone, binge watching TV, and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and make the effort to make friends.

And this effort part is really important. There was this enormous study done at the University of Kansas, and this was mind-blowing to me. And I found it to be, again, another very helpful framework. Because I think you're not a dummy and neither am I. I know that if I sit alone in my house, it's not like friends are going to come calling and I'm going to suddenly have strangers show up that are going to become my new friends in this season of my life. I know I need to get out of the house. You know you need to make the effort, but we're not. And frameworks and research helped me go, Oh, this actually is a big deal. Oh, if I do want to change this and I want to stop feeling so lonely and I want to stop swimming in the toilet of comparison and dislike and insecurity, I got to climb out of the toilet. That makes a lot of sense. But this research from University of Kansas blew my mind because it puts friendship into a timeline and hours perspective. Making friends. Check this out. They studied how long, how many hours it takes to make a quote friend.

And this is fascinating that as a student, it's very different than what it's like to make friends as an adult. This is why it can feel hard, because most of our lives, we were in seasons where we were forced to be in groups. Think about how you're in a group in elementary school, and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in middle school, and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in high school, and that's how you meet your friends. And then you're in a group in college, and that's how you meet your friends. And then all of a sudden, your 20s hits and boom, everybody scatters. And you're like, where the hell did my friends go? In fact, I did an interview with Alex Cooper, who hosts Call Her Daddy. The episode is called Where Did All My Friends Go? And we focused on this phenomenon in your 20s, where you feel like you don't have any friends anymore. And the reason why is because for the first 25 years of your life, your friendships were basically handed to you because you were in settings with large groups of people moving at the same pace through life together.

And as soon as you graduate, you're on your own, baby. It's a whole big world out there. And if you think it's hard in your 20s, huh, wait till your 30s, 40s, and 50s. And now you have the tools, so we don't need to freak you out. But this is normal and we require effort. And this University of Kansas study explains this. So if you're in college and you're like swimming in the sea with all these people doing the same thing at the same time, it takes you about 43 hours to become an acquaintance with somebody. Now you're sitting in class together. That's part of the time. You're eating in the cafeteria together. That's part of the time. You're hanging out in the dorm room together. That's part of the time. When you're an adult, to become a casual friend, it takes you 94 hours. Why? Because your patterns are very different when you're an adult. You don't have as much overlap. It's why you tend to become friends as an adult with people you work with because you spend more time with them. It's why you're friends with people that you live near because you spend time with them.

This is not just common sense, it's researched. And in order to go from just a casual friend to a really good friend, if you're a student, it takes about 57 hours, which makes sense because you're spending more time together. So you're sharing more experiences together. For adults, we need about 164 hours. That's so sad. This is why it's so important for you to have this perspective and for you to understand it's going to require effort on your part. And that's okay. Knowing that everybody feels this way, knowing that everybody's at their homes alone under the fuzzy blanket on the couch feeling like a peach that nobody likes, swimming in the toilet of comparison, feeling like friendship is so hard. Knowing that, I hope, is helping you go, Oh, well, maybe I could be the one. Maybe I could get all the peaches together and we could make a pie or some jam or some cobbler. That's what I did this weekend. I'm going to tell you a quick story because I think it's really important. So here I am. I always say, Please come visit me. I live alone on a mountain in Vermont. I'm lonely.

But the truth is I've met a bunch of really cool people up here. And every one of us say the same thing. It's amazing living here. And I really want to meet some friends. I really want to get together with people. I want to stop saying let's get together and not make plans. And so I'll tell you a quick story, because all it takes is leaning toward your curiosity. That's all it takes. I walk this loop all the time that's right by my house. It's a beautiful loop. It's about four and a half miles. And I love flowers. I know there's five love languages. I have a sixth: flowers, flowers, flowers. I'm a psycho about flowers. They remind me of my parents. I love growing them. I love bringing them into the house. I just love flowers. And so this year, I've been walking this loop for 26 years when I would visit my in-laws before we bought their house, and now it's our own. And all of a sudden this year, there was this insane flower farm that popped up. And by flower farm, I mean this patch of flowers, like an acre big.

And in the spring, it was this row of gorgeous double peony tulips, and French tulips, and parrot tulips. And I would do this walk, and I'd stop, and I'd take photos, and you've probably seen them on my Instagram stories. And then as those came and went, then Renunculia came up. And it was this triple petal Renunculia and peonies. And I'm like, flower porn for me. And then now there's this field of dahlias. Dahlias are mind-blowing, just gorgeous flowers. And there was never anybody there, ever. There was no sign, no nothing. And I became obsessed, you guys, with stopping by this flower patch. Just drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Oh, my God, I just loved it. I would like sound of music with the flower patch and I'm taking flowers. And now I feel like an influencer that's 20 years old and I need a cowboy hat with a feather in it so that I can do the festival photos that everybody does. And I just flower porn all day long. And all of a sudden, I see a truck park there one day and the truck, thankfully, had a contractor's label on it.

And lo and behold, that same label was on a truck here at our house because we're under construction. So I walked over to... And I'm like, Hey, do you know this flower? If you want to... Yeah, I parked my car there every once in a while. I'm like, Do you know who the person is? He's like, Yeah, that's Annette from Fleur Farm. I'm like, What? I think she's on Instagram. I'm like, What? So I DM her. Oh, my God, I've seen the flower. And then she DMs back. Oh, my gosh. Really? It's a labor of love. It's a hobby. A hobby? Yeah, I work full-time. And I've been really worried about how I'm going to get all the dalia bulbs out. I'm like, Well, I'll help you. You'll help me? And so next thing you know, just by following the energy, following the connection, leaning into the season of my life, leaning into the curiosity, I DM her. She DMs back. I come to find out that she has been planting flowers in this new season of her life. She sells bulbs online. She is going through some stuff personally. And I'm like, Well, I know some other women.

I'll get these other women that I know to come and hang out with us, and I'll see if we can't make something happen. And so we get 13 women to show up at the flower field on Saturday. I didn't know any of these women. Well, I knew some of them. I knew the ones that I invited. And then the friends that I invited invite other friends. And it was this army of new women here in Southern Vermont that showed up to help another woman dig dahlias out of a field on a Saturday. And she and I have been texting ever since. So I met all these new people. We connected over something we're interested in. We now have a group chat called the Dynamite Dahlia Dames. And so Annette and I are texting, wait till you hear this. When we both showed up, she said to everybody, I'm so overwhelmed because I'm so alone and introverted. I never think anybody would help. I have trouble asking for help. And so as we're texting, she writes, I'm so grateful for everyone's kindness and presence and the joy there was in the field this morning. It's been a hard and a lonely path thus far, building a vision shovel by shovel, digging my way to a new life.

Boy, I relate to that. I really relate to that. And then suddenly, outcome all these fabulous women. Yes, I'm very very happy because that morning was my highlight of my week two. So the challenge now is leaning in again and setting a date again and moving the ball down the field. Because as we know from that University of Kansas study that it takes time and it takes effort, and we all need each other to be making the effort. And so the final tool that I'm going to give you is something that is so simple and so impactful. And I have so many friends that now do this that I'm stealing this from. And it's very simple. Every single day make it a habit to text a friend just out of the blue. And if you want to amplify this, take a selfie video. Hey, I'm just on my walk, and I was thinking of you. And hey, my dog says hello. And you not only underestimate how much people like you. You underestimate how much it means to somebody when they hear from you. This isn't just me. This is research that was covered in the New York Times recently about how receiving an unexpected text from a friend makes you immediately feel connected to that person, and it makes the friendship stronger.

Make it a practice every single day as you start your day to reach out to one friend with a random message. In fact, I want to share one with you. So I love my friend, Glo Antonimo, and she's an incredible author and podcaster and just puts out incredible content and motivational speaker. And I learned so much from her. And she is so great about this. I want you to listen to this random message that popped in my phone literally a month ago. There was her beautiful face just sending me a video message. And I'm going to play it for you because I want you to listen to it as if she's sending this to you.

Mel, hello. It has been almost a month since our last video message. I was reading one of my daily devotional type books, and I thought of this. I'm like, Who can I send this to? And you came to my heart. I'm going to read it out loud. You are human. You will make mistakes. Hopefully, you'll make a whole lot of them because that means you are trying. And trying means you are fully alive. It also makes life a hell of a lot more interesting. So here's to making more mistakes, here's to living, and here's to appreciating the ebbs and flow of life. It's hard for us to maintain equilibrium. We try to go through life chasing and seeking comfort and just staying happy and staying positive. But sometimes in those moments and those seasons and those valleys of depression or sadness, we're meant to get something from that. And then when we come out of it, it's like we have so much more appreciation. So no need to respond. Just wanted to bless you with this message, thinking of you, sending you love, high five. That just.

Makes you feel good. And so here's what I want to tell you. I want to tell you I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to stop telling yourself these lies and to really embrace the truth. The truth is you deserve amazing friendships. You need amazing friendships. And you are that amazing friend that somebody who is going through a very lonely season digging their way to a new life needs desperately right now. It's your friend Mel got my arm around you. We're going for that walk. We're having pastries this morning. Amy and Jesse have joined us. This is one of these impromptu episodes. I cannot get the information out of my mouth fast enough.

Yeah, you've got a lot to say. I have a lot to say. You have a lot to say. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about friendship and coffee houses. It seems like a low lift. Right. Seems like something achievable.

Okay. Tell us. What you got, Mel? I'm so excited about this because I do think it's possible for the next year for you to take on a project around friendship and for you to create the best friendships of your entire life doing this. And I'm so excited because I realize looking backwards that that's what I've been doing for a year. I've been putting myself out there, and putting myself out there, and putting myself out there, because I really do want to have fun. I really do want to feel community. I really do want to have a breakthrough in this, and it's happened. And so I so want this for you. I really do. And if this sad sack can make it possible, so can you. Here's how you use a bakery to get friends as an adult. I think one of the hard things about being an adult, particularly in this world of remote work, is that you don't have as many chances to bump into people. And so what you were talking about, Amy, of that bond of a softball team or people that you meet at work or people that you meet at your kid's soccer games or people that you might meet because you're going to a yoga studio, one major thing that has impacted adult friendship is that people are way more secluded in their homes.

And so it's reduced exponentially the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you got to create the bond. And what I realized in moving to a new town in the last year or so is that it's hard to find people. Where am I finding my people? And I don't want to seem like a desperate stalker. So how do I find my people? And when I'm out in public trying to create this bond, how do I approach without seeming creepy? How do you do that if you're introverted? This is weird. It's not like we're all freshmen in college again, because people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area. You don't know if they've been here forever. Are they tourists? Yeah. I don't know. Yes. And so we opt out of these opportunities, and that's where the coffee shop comes in. So first, I want you to think about your town. And I'm going to tell you something that's true that you've probably thought about. There are four types of coffee shops in your town. There is the chain, so Duncan Donuts, Honeydew, Starbucks.

Insert your favorite chain, okay? Yeah. And that's one type. There is the first responder coffee shop. And I'm going to explain more about that. That's where the EMTs, the volunteer fire folks, the police officers, they're all gathered there every morning. There is the neighborhood local coffee shop, which is the place that a lot of moms stop by quickly to grab the regular, the carrot muffins, the latte or whatever on their way to school, or maybe they meet their mom friends after school. And then there's the fourth type of coffee shop in your neighborhood, which is that super high end one, the... Are you in a place where people wear an apron with leather straps and the pastries look like you would pay $75 for them, right? Yeah. Are you getting a cocktail or coffee? You don't know. Yes. And you have to think about it and identify those four types of coffee shops because the coffee shops themselves create an opportunity to create that external bond that is needed in order to form a friendship. Hear me out. Because all four of those types of coffee shops automatically, like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, sort out the people that walk through the front door.

Yeah.

I can see this. Yeah, right? Yeah. I'm with you. So if you think about the first type of coffee shop, the chain, that is not a great place for you to create a bond with anybody that you want to become friends with. And I'll tell you why. Because those coffee shops are very transactional. A lot of them have mobile order. A lot of them have drive-through. And so the entire psychology and energy of anybody going to that coffee shop is get in and get out. Get in and get out. Make it efficient. Get in and get out. Don't want to be seen. Correct. And if there is somebody sitting in there with a laptop, they are likely going to be sitting there with a laptop not every single day, because they will probably be asked to not use it as their local library. But they're likely going to have headphones on because they're trying to get something done. And because that coffee shop experience is so transactional that people are in and out and in and out and in and out, it's a very distracting place to work. And so that while they may serve great coffee and it may be an efficient way to put a mobile order in and zip in and get your coffee as you're commuting somewhere else, it's not a great place to create a bond.

So we're going to just move that off the table, okay?

Yeah, makes sense.

Second type of coffee shop in every community is what I call the first response funders, Salt of the Earth coffee shop. This is where the people that grew up in the town, the old timers, the volunteers that keep our town running, the Highway Roads-.

Construction workers. Yeah, I love these. Road maintenance.

Yes, they got the best damn donuts in town. And the little cups of coffee. Oh, yeah, the little thick sauces. Oh, yeah, the little thick sauces. This used to be the diner crowd.

Yeah, it's.

An institution. It's an institution. And when you're new, it is intimidating as hell to walk into it, even though it's all of the most best, amazing people. Who know everyone. Yes. They make your town run.

But it feels.

Like an insider? Yeah.

It feels like a hard casing on top of that that you have to crack through.

And you feel like you have to sit down there. Yes. Now that first responder, salt of the earth, thank you for your service, everybody. We love you. The backbone of our town. That coffee shop proves my point because that coffee shop experience where everybody gathers, they're always there having their cup of coffee before work, or they're always there after plowing all the driveways, a snowstorm, fair routine. That coffee shop has created their bond. Yes. They prove that it's possible. Yes. Never thought about that. Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's a great point. And by sitting there over a cup of coffee and having it be a ritual to start their day together most mornings, their friendship is deepening. And a couple of things about this coffee shop, Best Donuts in town. No question. No question, Best Donuts in town. They probably have a crowler, that big doughnut thing that you're going to dip in. I'll tell you what they don't have. Those kinds of coffee shops never have a machine that makes cappuccinos and latte.

You're right. They don't.

Have Espresso. No. You know what they have? They have the institutional coffee pot maker that has the two pots. It's like a metal tea and the two pots with the black and the- You can get it. -and the opaque thing. And then they pour the coffee in. And then they've also got the cream where you pull back the little packets and you have to shake them, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So that's that coffee shop. And so here's the thing I want to tell you. If those are the folks that you really connect with, and this is my entire extended family, I come from a line of farmers, and machinists, and COs, and sheriffs, and nail technicians, and school administrators, and people that own bakeries, these are my people.

But.

It is so intimidating when you're in a new town. It is. To penetrate that older, not older as an age, but that.

Old school- Established.

-old bond, established crowd. It's like being a kid and sneaking into the teacher's lounge.

It is.

Like that. But if.

You're lucky enough to do it, they're going to be great people.

Yes. You're in good hands. But I think that if these are the folks that you know are your folks, if you just show up every week and you sit down, they will put their arm around you. You just got to start showing up. And so that's coffee shop number two. And I'm so happy that it also proves my point about the bond and that this is possible for you. We're going to take another quick break because I want more of this pastry.

Get.

In there, Mel. And when we return, I'm going to explain coffee shop number three and coffee shop number four. And then we're going to get into some really great techniques that you can use. Once you pick which coffee shop you're going to try to establish your bond in to make the approach. Stay with us. Awesome. Welcome back. Get in here, Em. It's your friend Mel. This pastry is damn good. It came from coffee shop number four. I'm talking about adult friendship and how I'm on a mission to inspire you to create the best friendships of your entire life. Whether that means you're meeting a whole new group of people, or it means that you're taking out the defibrillator paddles, and you're going to send life, force, energy, shockwaves into your current friends who you've told yourself are no longer there. No, you're just no longer there. You just got to reach out. So here we go. We're going to get into all this. So I left off at, where were we? Number two. Number two, coffee shop number two. Okay, so we covered that. Coffee shop number three in your town is the coffee shop where it's like the local coffee shop.

It's where all the moms go on the way to work or on the way to dropping off kids at school. It's the place where it's bustling in the morning. You got people with laptops out. It is the walk up. And every other customer, they're like, I'll have the regular. And the people working behind the counter are like, They know. Oh, that means you want a latte with three sugars and you want the carrot muffon to go. Or that means that you want the hot tea and you also want the egg sandwich with sausage on it. And so it's this community driven, very busy, bustling. They're usually busy till 11:00 because a lot of people meet there after dropping off their kids. It's that place.

Yeah. So it's different from number one because it's maybe not a franchise and it's just more the local feel.

Yeah. Okay. And different for number two, because it's not really the place where you see the established group almost every morning. Yeah.

Okay.

This is the place that if I had to meet you at 10 o'clock to catch up, we'd meet there. You know what I mean?

Like solid food, solid coffee. You know you're going to get.

The right thing. Exactly. They got the little punch card that you buy the coffee from. The loyalty program. They might even have the alphabetized index on the desk for your cards, you can leave it there. It's like that place, right? Yeah. They might convert to sandwiches at noontime, that place. And all the.

Teenagers, way more food. And all the teenagers in town work there in the summertime. And you see little Joe who you knew from six months old, and now he's 16, and he's serving you your macha.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly, exactly, exactly. And one of the other things I'm going to layer into this is that, again, the sorting hat reference. Certain types of people go to certain types of coffee shops on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't frequent all four because I do frequent all four of these. But there is my go to that really I feel more at home in. That you want to spend an hour there. You want to spend two... If you could only pick one of the four, there is one that you would pick. And that's how you know the person that you are and the sorting hat thing that's going to happen for you. And this gets deeper and deeper. But let me tell you number four next. So number four is that coffee shop that is always written up in the travel guide about your town. It is the one that is white with barnwood. And the people that work there are very cool, hippie, smart, maybe a beanie. You've got an apron on with a leather strap. The pastries look like a million dollars. The coffee is strong. The latte machine is the size of a New York City bus, and it looks gorgeous.

And that is a whole different.

Crowd, a.

Whole different crowd. And one of the things that I love about this distinction is that when you decide, okay, one, two, three, or four. And you can decide that based on if you had two hours to spend, which coffee shop are you going to go to for two hours? Like, you've got a kid that's getting braces put on. You got two hours to kill. Where are you going to go sit with your book? And the reason why this is important is because instinctually in your heart, there are going to be certain kinds of people with certain kinds of interests coming in and out. Because none of these are better than the other. They just attract a baseline person who's interested in certain things. And look, there are amazing people that go to all four, and there are complete assholes that go to all four. It's not about that. It's about the baseline interest in what people like. So that's why the sorting hat is important. And I'm going to go back to what I said about the first coffee shop and the fact that the group of people that are the established backbone of your town that are there almost every morning, they have used that coffee shop as a bond for their friendship.

Right. Like a vessel holding their friendship.

If you want to start to make adult friends, park yourself at one of those coffee shops several mornings a week and on one day on the weekend for an hour.

How is that going to help, Mel?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's going to help. How that's going to help is you're going to start seeing people coming in and out, and they're going to be the same people. And you're going to start saying hello. I've seen Jesse at coffee shop number four. Guilty. Yes. And it was Jessie that told me about it. I had been here an entire year. I did not know that coffee shop number four existed.

Wow. Because your eyes were closed to the friendship.

Yes. I was still thinking I was just going to have dirt around my house. I'm not going to the coffee shop. I'm not going to the.

Coffee shop. I'm living in her aunt farm.

With all the dirt. Yeah, Jess was like, You've been to this coffee shop? And I'm not going to name it because I don't need stalker showing up there. I'd love to promote all the coffee shops in our town. But I was like, No. Is not a... Kickrox. No. I walked into that place. I was like, Am I in Brooklyn, New York? There's a person with a beanie. There's an Espresso machine. There's a pastry that I'd pay $75 for. Largely because it tastes like $75. And also the ingredients for me to make this at home, it would take me eight hours. I would burn it and cost me $75 in ingredients. I'm willing to pay six, five dollars for this thing? I think it was what it was. That's a bargain.

Bargan.

That's a freaking bargain. And when I walked into this place, I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And so here's how this works. This becomes your go to place when you meet people elsewhere to meet up. Yes. Yeah. So anytime you meet somebody new or somebody introduces you to somebody in the town, you say, how about we go get coffee on Saturday morning at nine o'clock at the such and such? Now here's where this starts to build. As you meet new people, here's what you say, because I always meet my friends there at nine o'clock on Saturday morning. You're creating an institution. That's a good ad right there. You're creating your bond and your institution.

You know what? You know what's hitting me right now about all of this? Friendship is a verb. Like when you're saying, Oh, let's meet up for coffee, oror, let's park yourself there. And then you have to actually park yourself at the coffee shop, and then you actually have to.

Talk to people.

Friendship is a verb. You got to be doing things. It's an action word. You have to make it happen.

That's what's hitting me right now. Yes. Good point. And the more you go there, the more you start to know the staff and the owners. And then you'll see who else knows the staff and owners. And then that gives you an in. Don't you just love this place? How long have you known so and so and so and so? And here's another way that you can strike up a conversation. If you're standing in line, turn to the person next to you and ask them, What's the best doughnut? What's the best muffin? What's the best pastry here? What do you recommend? That's your in. And here's the other reason why I don't like category number one for this friendship building. And the reason why is it's so transactional. Who in their right mind turns to anybody at a Starbucks or a Nug of Donuts? It's like, What doughnut do you recommend? You're like, idiot. They've had the same ones for a decade. What do you mean, what ones? Have you never been here? The menu has not changed. And plus, you don't know if they're just driving.

Through on.

Their way somewhere else. It's a pit stop. Yeah, it's a pit stop. And so this allows you to start to create that bond. It gives you a place where you're always going to say you meet people on Saturday mornings there at nine o'clock in the morning, and that's your parking spot. That's your bond. And then you tell people that every time you meet them there, and then people start to bring friends. And that's how it starts to grow. And here's another tip. If you're shy and if you have trouble approaching people, here's the best way to approach for anybody. Look at something the person is wearing or look at some feature like glasses or nails or a hairstyle or a hair color, or grades, or whatever it may be, or a weave, or a earrings, jewelry, compliment them. Compliment them. Yeah. When you compliment, Oh, my God, your nails are so great. Wow. People literally light up like a light bulb. They do. They do.

I know I do, right? Yeah. So everybody else must, too.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. And if you're new, I would say this all the time to people, I'm new here. What do people do here? Or even if you're not new somewhere, you can say to somebody, I've lived here a long time, but these last three years, I think I've become a little bit socially awkward. I've fallen out a loop of what's going on. What's going on this weekend around here? And here's what's super cool about that. Let's go back to the way that coffee shops work is sorting hats. If you ask somebody that at Starbucks, the likelihood is they're going to shrug their shawls and be like, I don't know. And then they race off because they're just coming in for their mobile work. You got a coffee shop number two. Those folks are going to tell you something super fun like, oh, well, there's a tractor pull over at such and such. There's potluck. Yeah, or there's like a whatever there is or there's something going on over at theThere's like a bingo night or this. I'm not saying any of this is good or bad. I'm just saying it's a type of thing. Or there's a huge pizza fundraiser thing going on for the local fire department taking the job.

If you go to coffee shop number three, it'll be like, oh, well, there's a art fair at the school this weekend. Birthday party. Yeah, those kinds of things, something going on at the library. You go to number four, it's like, oh, well, there's a mushroom foraging or.

Something like.

That happening, or there's an author coming to the bookstore. Again, because it's a sorting hat of what people are interested in, you're pulled in for the esthetic, you're pulled in for the type of food, you're pulled in for the vibe. But those folks that love those things tend to have certain events that they go to. And so you're also then going to get recommendations that also feel like it's something you actually want to do.

Right. Well, and what I'm also getting from this is that it's a better spot to make conversation.

At number four.

Because it's not transient where people are going in and out. It's not institutionalized. It's not focused around maybe kids, or work, or something like that. It's a great place to strike up a conversation. So go where it's a little.

Bit easier. Yes. And here's one more recommendation that has really helped me. And again, I think I've demonstrated over and over that I can put myself out there. I don't give a shit. It's an emergency to solve the loneliness problem. And so I have no problem because I have no problem going up to people and saying, I'm new to the area and I desperately need friends. If you guys need friends, let me know. How do you people meet people here? And most people laugh and say, I feel the same way. And even if you have been in an area for a long time, there are two things I want you to do. It is okay to live in an area for 20, 30 years and feel lonely. And it's normal, and I think most of us do because of the last three years and quarantine and remote work. It's okay to do all of this in your own town where you've always lived and to say to people, I've become a hermit. I'm trying to make some new friends. If you feel that way, you guys want to start a walking group or something, you want to just meet here on Saturdays, so we have...

We have a touch point. And then if people say yes, I get their cell phone right then. I text them right then. And here is a power move. You say, make fun of yourself. And the second I walk out of here, I'm going to forget what you look like. So why don't we take a selfie? So we remember this moment. And so that when I text you, you're not like, who is this freak? From the coffee shop? What are you talking about? Yeah. I love that. That is a major thing. And I say that because for the first six months, I started using this coffee shop strategy on adult friendship. I didn't do that.

The selfie thing, you didn't do that.

Yes. And then weeks would go by and somebody would text and be like, hey, you want to meet at the Baker? And I'm thinking, who the fuck is this? I give my name to? And then I've got ADHD, so I would have deleted the text chain. I'm like, who the fuck is this? And now you're embarrassed because you're like, who is this? What's your name? Yeah. And then you walk in and thinking, Okay, what person am I looking for? Yeah, that's not.

A good start to the friendship. So you smoothed it out a little bit with the selfie thing. I think that really is a power move. Yes. Yeah, really good. And that also shows you're super determined. We're getting together.

I'm.

Going to see you again. I'm going to see you again. Yeah, I like that.

Yes. And I have one final tip.

I can't.

Wait to hear it. And should I wait for the construction vehicle to go by? Are we hearing the beeping? Actually, maybe the beeping everybody is trying to get you to go, deep, deep, deep. This is really important.

Itension.

Let's go back to my original desire. My desire is that your life as an adult feels like summer camp. And the reason why I say that, even though I got homesick and left early at every summer camp I ever went to, is that the one thing that's really great about summer camp or college is that you're constantly rolling out of bed. And it's like, hey, let's go grab a meal. Hey, let's go to a coffee shop. Hey, you want to go on a hike? You walk down the hallway, next thing you know, you're brushing your teeth next to somebody, and you're then walking to the dining hall together. It's like constant just bumping into people and energy around it and fun, spontaneous fun. So one thing that I've started taking on more and more, and I stole this from friends of mine that I think are hilarious, is that I try to lighten up every single group chat that I'm in with memes, with funny ass photos, and it works wonders. Like when somebody texts you like you want to get together, I will literally take the ugliest selfie and be like, Absolutely. But not right now, because I haven't even gotten dressed for the morning yet, that thing.

Or you want to meet for coffee? Yeah. I'm so excited to see you. I'm coming in my pajamas, and I'm not kidding. And then I take a photo. That's awesome. I'm in camp again. I'm having fun again. You are. And it's working. It's working. I've gone from wanting to just have dirt around my house, putting plants in the ground. I've gone from feeling like I've got sympathy friends, like that my only friends are people I work with to feeling like, well, actually, I feel like it's not even that my work friends have become my friends. It's that I just get to hang out with my friends all day long, and we call part of that time work. Right? You know what I'm saying? Yes, totally. And now I'm like, oh, my God. This morning, you guys, this morning was it. What happened?

What are you talking about? Oh, my God. Well, first of all, I've.

Already told you. I woke up. I did my ABCs. I got up out of the bed. I drank my water. I made my bed. I was about to go out for a walk. I pick up my phone. And there is this literally long text chain of Amy and David going fricking off with each other at 5:30 in the fricking morning. On a Friday. On a Friday.

It's Friday, people. You got.

To double down. Literally. They are going... I'm trying to think. That is long. It started at 5:06 AM with a video from David. That was a Mareem cycle then. Jeez. Of the mist in the Valley. I home sweet home. Amy says, I was just thinking about you. He's like, I'm good. I'm ready. Amy's like, Super. What are the weekend plans? David's like, Get my health and wellness underway. Start figuring my business out. Relax. Blah, blah, blah, blah. What time is the card pull? Yeah. Amy pulls cards, as you know. Amy's like, Jumping right in. Super. Pull in the card at 6:45. Guys, I'm sleeping as all of this is going on. David's like, Oh, all my poems are now edited, so I'll probably get after that. They're still going, you guys. Six o'clock at 6:20. 6:20, I wake up, and I see the last thing, which is, Mel, get in here if you're up. I'm like, I love these people. So we text back in the morning, and then all of a sudden- It's a good camp. They just walked to your cabin and.

Started waking you up. Yeah, well, David did. He came over to my house, and we did a walk in the morning. You're going to the cabin. It really is like a cabin. I said.

I feel like I'm in college or a camp. I just fucking love you guys. And then I said that I'm going to head off to this Pilates class, and then I'm going to stop for an 800,000 calorie pastry. And then David's like, Mel, this is way better than camp. It's fucking amazing because we can have wine here. And then- What are we talking now?

That sounds like David. That was seven. Seven?

Okay. I love this. And then I walk into my number four coffee shop and guess who's there? David. And then guess who pulls in? You, Jessie. And then guess who pulls in? Maxine, our other friend. No way. Because she was having a meeting there. Oh, of course. Because, of course, where do you go to have a meeting?

Number four, baby.

Well, yeah, or number three, or number two. Or whatever, yes. But just don't go to number one. Yes. Because you're not going to establish the bond there. Right? Yeah. How freaking cool is this? So cool. And this is available to you. What did you two get out of this conversation? I want to say easy. It's easier than we think than we give it credit for. I think it helps in our small little town that you can remember people's names and you're going to bump into someone. But I never did this even in the city when I had access to 10 coffee shops. You know? Yeah. Never tried because you just stayed in your bubble. But here it's so special having this. I'm with you. It's just so cool to go to a place and be like, Oh, yeah, there's my friend. And then I'm going to bring another friend to you. I'm trying to meet someone this weekend for coffee. Nine o'clock Saturday morning. I'm going to take her to number four. I'm meeting at nine o'clock Saturday morning, tomorrow morning.

Done. Nice. Okay. I will. I'll do that right before I go to Jane's game.

Jane's.

Soccer game.

Oh, okay. And so to those of you that live in a bigger city, here's the thing, though. Your neighborhood has all these places. And your favorite place to go exercise has all these places around it. And your kids' school or your office has these four places around it. And so get intentional because getting serious about adult friendship, which means A, stop lying to yourself. You do have friends. All those people that were your friends that you saw all the time and those bonds that kept you in proximity that have disintegrated, your friendships are still there. It's on you to reach out. Number two, use the coffee shop model. Use the coffee shop model and get intentional about this. And you be the first. And and you be the one pushing it, and you bring the fun. Number three, approach, approach, approach. Just be interested in people. Be open. Make sure you get their contact information. Take a selfie, at least take a photo of the pastry or whatever so you can remind them. Have that go to. You do it every week at a certain time, and then people start to aggregate, and that feels like you're connected to something.

And it's like church used to be, I think, for a lot of people.

I think so. And I think it's and what I love about this is it's something you do anyway. You're having your cup of coffee anyway. Are you going to do it alone? Or are you going to do with other people? Like you said, Mel, you're going to exercise anyway. Are you going to do it alone? Or are you going to do with other people? I was talking to my mother-in-law, who was talking about how she used to get together with her girlfriends and fold laundry together. You're doing it anyway.

How cool is that?

You're cooking dinner anyway. Why not invite a friend, have both your families come on over. Your know, enjoy the time together and make it a friendship moment.

Or weeding. If we traded weekends. Did we talk about that? Weeding. I love weeding. Yeah. You do? Like when you were painting your house. Well, if you want to come here to weed, I will come to your house and do something else because I can't stand weeding. Something that you don't love.

I remember when you moved in and you were painting your house, and I was like, I got to get after that because I love- I was.

Like, You're crazy. You're just being sweet. I love painting. I come over and help you. I come over and help you. Seriously.

I love cutting a root. I never did it just to be completely transparent on this podcast. But I really feel like those are those moments. You and I standing side by side with paint brushes and getting crap in our hair, and you know what I mean? And Myrtle walking through the paint. I just think that those are moments that are way better than let's all go to, I don't know, a restaurant or something that feels fancy. Those plain, spoken moments are way better.

I loved what you said that friendship is a verb. Youknow, that's a really, really good point as well. It takes a lot of, not a lot, but it takes effort and action.

Yeah, we're not in first grade anymore. Yeah. I don't just.

Show up in class. No. You know what? And this is my final note. It could be way more fucking fun. The best years of your life and the best friendships are ahead of you. So get your ass number one, number two, number three, number four, and start making on people. All righty. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I want you to have this much fun in your life. You deserve to have this much fun, and you can it. Give it a year. Keep chipping away at it, and you will find your people. Because I just did, and whoa, God, is it amazing. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video by God, please subscribe, because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.