You. The major mistake that everybody makes when they create a list of goals is that you just jot down goals like some sort of grocery list without ever stopping to truly get clear about what you want right now. Not what you wanted last year, not what you wanted ten years ago, not what you think you should want, but what do you actually want in the next twelve months of your life?

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. So a couple of days ago, I was scrolling on my phone, just kind of wasting time on social media because Chris and Oakley had something on the tv that I could care less about. Basically, they were watching YouTube videos on tv of people skiing in the backcountry. So, of course, like you, when I'm not that interested in what my family is doing, I tend to look at my phone. And so here I am, I'm scrolling through social media, and all of a sudden this video pops up of Oprah Winfrey.

And like you, I admire her so much. And I don't know if this was a recent video or if it's something from a long time ago that is all of a sudden catching wind and going viral again. But someone was asking Oprah why she thinks so many people get stuck. And she had this really interesting answer. She said basically that after interviewing tens of thousands of people on the Oprah Winfrey show, she believes that most people get stuck because they can't answer one question.

You want to know what the question is? It's a good one. Here it is. What do I really want? I want you to consider that question, what do I want?

And if you really think about that question honestly, what do I really want? It's not the easiest question to answer, is it? And here's the reason why this is so powerful is if you don't know what you want, how on earth could you possibly get it? And that little video inspired me to want to talk to you today about goals, because a major mistake that everybody makes when they create a list of goals, and I used to make this mistake all the time, is that you just jot down goals like some sort of grocery list without ever stopping to truly get clear about what you want in your life. What you want right now, not what you wanted last year, not what you wanted ten years ago, not what you think you should want, but what do you actually want in the next twelve months of your life?

And this question is powerful because in order to answer it, you have to kind of tap into the science and research, because there are two important steps that everyone misses. These two steps require you to get clear about what you actually want and why you want it. And we're going to dig into the research and I'm going to unpack these two steps and we're going to talk a lot about this question, what do I want? Because maybe you've already set goals for the next twelve months. Or maybe as you're listening to my voice right now, you realize, oh my God, I don't really have any goals.

Well, don't you worry. Regardless of where you are, by the end of the episode, you're not only going to be able to answer Oprah's question, what do I want? For real? But you'll know how to get it. And one thing I want to say about this before we jump into the topic is that goals and goal setting, it can sound really boring and clinical, but this is a much bigger conversation that you and I are going to have.

Because without you knowing what you want and without you identifying and pursuing goals that are uniquely personal to you, you're just going through the motions in life when you take the time to figure out what you want and then you go through the process of setting and pursuing goals according to the research goals that matter to you. This is how you create an intentional and a fulfilling life. That's why I care about this topic. That's why I wanted to talk about it. That's why Oprah's video inspired me to do this, because I care about you and I care about you living a life that is full of meaning and a life that is intentional.

And so today I'm going to hold your hand and walk you step by step through this process of setting goals according to the research, so that you not only define what you want in this next year of your life, but that you are clear about the goals that you need to pursue. Because when you take the time to do that, you will have one of the best years of your life. And by the way, I want to take this one step further. You can see I'm pretty passionate about this because I don't want you to just listen to my voice or watch me on YouTube. I want you to not only learn this, I want you to translate all this knowledge into action as you're learning it.

And so here's how I'm going to help you do that. Our team here at the Melrobbins podcast, we have taken the time to create a free, beautiful, research backed workbook for you. And the purpose of the workbook is to help you apply everything you're about to learn in a very purposeful and actionable way. You can think about this workbook that you're going to get@melrobbins.com slash bestyear as a roadmap to one of the best years of your life. And if you're watching on YouTube right now, that link is right down there.

It will also be linked in the description of the podcast in all of our show notes@melrobbins.com. And when you get to the landing page, melrobbins.com slash bestyear, you're going to see a welcome video that I created for you, and you will find instructions on how to get that workbook sent to your inbox instantly. So are you ready to kick this off? I know I am. And I also know this is the topic that you need to hear right now because I'm getting an overwhelming number of questions and messages about setting goals, just like this one from Dave.

So let's jump into it. Hey Mel, this is Dave. I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how they do it right? There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the new year coming up, and in the past I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals. Could you give me any tips?

Hey, it's Mel, and I cannot wait to teach you how to set and achieve goals and the two steps that you need to know. But first, please, please, if you haven't already subscribed to the Mel Robbins podcast, YouTube channel, hit subscribe right there. It costs you nothing. It allows me to bring you this content for free. It would mean a lot.

It's a way you can give back. So thank you, thank you, thank you for taking a moment to subscribe. It's really a big deal for a show like yours. First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question, because you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. Change is always going to be hard.

Always. I'm not going to lie to you about that. But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail. And I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. And I'm not only going to give you tips today, we are going to have a master class in goal setting.

And the fact is, goals matter according to the research, and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals. Goals matter because number one, they make you happier. Number two, they suppress negative emotions. And in fact, based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and mean. That's pretty cool.

Third, goals give you a sense of purpose, meaning and being up to something. You want to know what's going to fix this goals? Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day to day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like something cool is happening.

And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals based on the research. Having goals makes your life feel easier when you're in a rut. Life is hard when you feel stuck, when things are monotonous. It's hard when you got something that excites you, something that you're working toward.

That's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, we are going to start with your goals. Because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them. Because if you don't set goals the right way based on science, you fail before you even start.

And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired, that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today. By the time this episode is done, you're going to have identified between one and three goals and you're going to do it with me side by side as I identify one to three goals for myself.

And we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share that up front because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. By the end of our conversation, you're not only going to have defined these goals, you will have refined them and you will have taken steps toward them. How freaking cool is that? So make sure you listen all the way to the end because we are going to cover a ton of ground today.

So let me just preview what you're going to learn today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal and if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals, you will fail. Seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals. I'll tell you those stories because I think that they're going to help you, but this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple and there's so much research here. Second, as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals.

And you're not going to make these mistakes because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research, we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into. And step by step by step, we are going to support you. I'm so excited for this episode, honestly, because I'm going to do this with you. And you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals. This is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked.

And I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever talk about your goals. Okay, cool. You ready? I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do. Really, really excited about this.

I love goals. And I also love this recent research that I found from Dr. Elliot Berkman at the University of Oregon. Now, Dr. Berkman is the co director of the center for Translational Neuroscience, and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals.

I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is kind of one of those studies where you're like, well, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this? So first, let's start with his definition of a goal.

Okay? Dr. Berkman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this.

This is kind of illuminating. Okay? So a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. So I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, that's it.

I'm getting six pack abs this year. If you have a goal of getting six pack abs, you have to do something different. That's why it's a goal. If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example, you have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal.

Watching that series that you're addicted to right now. For my family, it's gangs of London. I don't have to do anything different. To watch the series gangs of London, you see how that's not a goal? The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance.

There is zero change. There's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now, that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance, you're going to fail at setting them. They're going to be way too easy.

Okay, so let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you want to improve or where you want to make a new goal. I have three that I'm going to share with you, and one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobies and having fun.

A second goal of mine is going to impact my health in a positive way, and the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm going to unpack these and just, I invite you to listen along. And as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm going to start with number one, hobbies and having more fun. I really want to spend more time.

One goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening. I just love gardening. Not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I want to make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening.

That's one goal. Now, a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health. And I want to stop drinking for a while this year. And I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research. But that's a goal of mine, to really just knock off the booze for a bit.

And third is about my mindset. I want to get back. This is a goal of mine to a consistent journaling practice every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it.

I roll out of bed when the alarm rings. No resistance. I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning.

No resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single morning. That would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you.

What are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? Now, I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now, because it's a question I'm seeing a lot. Hey, Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are? I absolutely love this question. And by the way, it's super common to have no idea what you want.

So let's talk about the research. Okay. These are prompts that are going to help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really going to make a difference in your life. Because I want you to have goals. They really matter.

So, number one, it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams. And if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you. This is going to sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, then what you and I can do, if you can identify the dream, is you and I can then use the research to scale that big, awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small, achievable goals. This is based in research, and so I invite you, if you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again, and then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal.

Now, here's a second tip, and this one's a little morbid, but it tends to work. If you don't know where to start, think about the end. Like the real end, your death. When you think about the fact that at some point, this amazing thing called life comes to an end, what do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me, you're not going to wish that you spent more days at work.

You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck, think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you.

Now, you could also, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet. And this is based in powerful research. Basically, mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves. And I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice, whether it's a meditation practice or heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach, that by the end of that 30 minutes stroll, you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet.

If you get quiet, you can hear the most important sound in the world, and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting, because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful and enjoyable to you. Now, researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you, self concordant goals or want to goals. This comes from researchers at Carlton University.

I like to call these goals personal goals. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressured to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals right where you're like, all right, everybody's getting in shape. Oh, everybody's doing whole 30.

Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that, too. Those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. You want goals that are in touch with something personal to you. And here's another really interesting little hack that really works.

You're going to use the third person. So using a third person perspective, according to research at Cornell, can help you identify and achieve personal goals better. And so now I'm going to turn it back to you again, and I want you to use the third person research from Cornell. I'm going to use it first, and then I do want you to say your goals out loud. Okay, I've already shared my goals, but let's make these Cornell University style goals.

Okay? And let's do the third person. Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year. You know, it feels kind of funny when you say that. It's almost like it's happening.

Now you say it. What would you love to do? Say it in the third person. In your name. Here's another one of mine.

Mel has a goal to not drink at the beginning of this year. It sounds like more. Really? You've got to try this. It's so wacky how this works, Mel.

You know that Mel, she would love to get up every day and have a rock solid journaling routine. It's weird how that Cornell university works. And now it's your turn. Use the third person, take a minute, hit pause, and say what you want out loud. Go ahead.

It's kind of weird, isn't it, when you use your own name and look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general. Did you notice that my goals right now, they're just things I kind of want to do. I want to journal. I want to not drink for a couple of months, and I want to spend more time gardening.

But by the time this episode is done, you and I are going to refine these general statements, these goals using research. And so let's dig into this exciting research that I promised to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals. And I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present. If these two components of a goal are not present, you're not doing shit when it comes to this goal.

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And do not skip this because I have something to give you for free. No kidding. Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024.

Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29 page workbook. I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024. And then, more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it.

Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way. You and me, baby. Let's create the best year ever. Just click the link. Boom.

I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. I have experienced this in my life.

You have experienced this, and I can't wait for you to hear this. So the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will and the way. The will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change. In other words, the why, the will is the why of behavior change. So let me ask you a couple questions that researchers kind of unpacked in this study that are going to help you really clarify the why when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about.

As you and I are talking right now, why is the behavior change important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And I'm going to go through these and I'm going to use one of my goals, gardening. Why is the behavior change important to you?

Well, it's important to me, this goal of spending more time this year, gardening, because I love gardening. And I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy and it causes a lot of stress. And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing. It's really creative. I love growing flowers from seed.

I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now?

Why now? Why is this a goal now in your life? Well, for me, why now? Is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy and I'm going to find more time to truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now.

Like, why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part. And I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you?

Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions, that goal that you're thinking about will not work because the will to do it, the motivation, the why, it's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you. Now, let's talk about the second component. Okay.

The second component in this study from the University of Oregon is the way. And the way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change. I call this the how. The way is the how of behavior change. And so let me walk you through those questions.

How is this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's going to unfold is I am going to study how to create a cutting garden. I'm going to build my own little, what are they called?

Like raised bed thingies that you kind of put the thingies in. I'm going to learn about cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Well, a lot for me. What is the specific plan?

I'm in the middle of creating the plan, and I think you can start to see, as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have. How's this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you don't identify the how, that change ain't happening.

Because willpower alone, motivation alone, it's not enough. You got to have, according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here, based in science, is that any goal requires two things. There must be a will and a way, a why and a how. And here's why.

This is really interesting. Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So, for example, the how you're going to make this goal a reality. That's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning, including your prefrontal cortex, among other areas of the brain. The why, on the other hand, is the dopamine energetic?

I can't even say it. That's why. I can't say it's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why. And you need both.

You need to tackle the how, which is having the know how, the skills, a plan, the push. And you also got to have the why. And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do but you can't do it. It's how you hack the motivation. And what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating.

As much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner. When you buy a new calendar for the new semester and it feels like the new you, I just loved the planning part. Have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym, you're all excited to try this new routine, you're all excited for this new habit and the day one that comes, no motivation at all. I mean, it makes sense. Because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix, something you do all the time, is way more enjoyable?

That's why having both is super important. You cannot just have the why. You want to do it with no plan that doesn't work. And you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's going to get you excited.

And if you're somebody that continues to make goals but you constantly give up on them, I'm going to tell you something right now. Those goals are not linked to something that you value, to a core belief. And the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstoppable. So we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon. I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set.

And I want to say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode, and the end of the episode. That's the point of this. Listening to research is not going to change your life.

Applying the research will. So please, as you're gaining insight and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you, and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year, please allow yourself to change. Please allow yourself to modify the goals because that is going to help you achieve them. And so now what we're going to do is we're going to walk through the five mistakes based on research that everybody makes when they set goals. And when you make these mistakes in setting and defining your goals, you will not achieve your goals.

And so these mistakes are super important for you to understand and for you to apply to the goals that you're thinking about right now. So, mistake number one, you're so focused on the how you're going to get this goal achieved that you forget about the why. And this is super important. I have a really good example of how I have failed at setting goals and achieving goals in the years past because I felt pressured to do something. My why was not present.

And I'm going to use the example, ironically, of drinking, which is one of my goals this year, I want to go for three months and not drink. So here's the example where I have failed in the past. In the past, I have had lots of pressure around me at the turn of the year to not drink. There's that thing called dry January, and a lot of people that I love have participated in it, and people around me have been doing it, and I didn't feel called to do it. I just had a huge sense of fomo that I was going to miss out on something if I didn't jump in with everybody else.

And so I felt pressure to jump in and have it be a goal that I would do dry January. And here's what's interesting about when you feel pressured to make a goal, when you feel pressured to do something, there is an inner rebel inside of you that suddenly shows up and pushes back. And sure enough, the last couple of years that I've been like, yeah, okay, I'll do dry January with you guys. The second that I committed to it, out of pressure, the rebel in me was like, nope. And I lasted two or three days, and then I started being sneaky and lying about it.

And here's the deal. The why wasn't present. This is so important. And this year is different. This year is different because this year, one of my goals is not to participate in dry January, but my goal is to not drink for several months.

And there's a reason why. The reason why is I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. And even just having a beer at night to pull the lever, that work is over and you can relax now. It's making me too tired at night, and it's impacting my sleep. And here's my why.

I want to see what will happen. This is like an experiment to my focus, to my downtime, to the brain fog, to the symptoms of menopause that I'm experiencing. If I just remove alcohol, not during the week, but I just remove it completely for a couple of months. And so my why is that? I want to be present and more focused for the next couple of months.

And I feel as though if I removed alcohol, it would have a major impact. And there's more I want to get done. And that's why it feels different this time, because I'm not setting this goal because I feel pressured to. I'm setting this goal because I want to. So taking that research in mind and that mistake that everybody makes, what's your why?

For real? What is the goal that you want to do, because identifying that is going to make all the difference in the world. Now, let's talk about mistake number two. I see this all the time. In my opinion, this is not based on a study, but in my opinion, this is the mistake that everybody makes the most.

You ready for it? You're setting too many goals. Stop doing that, okay? Stop committing to dry January whole 30. Learning Spanish, changing your job, painting the back bedroom, volunteering twice a week, and being a nicer person all in the same month.

Stop. Okay. Mistake number two, taking on too many things based on the research means you get nothing done. That's why we are going to focus on just one to three goals at a time. That is it.

Okay? That's it. Don't give me the but. I think I could do but what about habits? But no.

One to three goals. And in fact, I'd be thrilled if you came out of this episode and you just had one goal that you had defined and refined based on the research and that you were excited about. Wouldn't that be empowering? Of course it would. So let's move on to mistake number three.

When you define the goal, you're missing the sweet spot based on research. You see, there is this sweet spot with goal setting and goal achievement. Between it being way too easy and it being way too hard, it's sort of like Goldilocks and the three bears, right? One was too little, one's too big. One's just right.

There is a just right sweet spot when it comes to goal setting. And most people, in addition to setting too many goals, most people go way too big. Do not make your goal way too big. You see, that's what a dream is. Your dreams are big.

Your goals have to be small. Your dreams have no timeline. They're aspirational. Your goals must be specific, and they must be on a timeline, and they must be definable. They got to be tiny.

See, you want something that you know you can achieve. This comes from research at Florida State University. Okay? So anything that's too big is a dream. We're talking about goal setting.

This also is grounded in research from the famous habit research that BJ Fogg has done at Stanford. You have to have it be something you know you can achieve. But let's go back to the sweet spot. So I know that I could achieve journaling one day, but that's not really a sweet spot, is it? I'm not that inspired doing that one day.

The sweet spot means it's achievable. But it still has to be kind of ambitious because remember, the definition of a goal, it's got to be something that's going to require you to do something. There's going to be resistance there. And this is really important because you're going to have a greater level of motivation and satisfaction if the goal still has a little bit of ambition to it. And that comes from research at UC Riverside.

And by the way, we will link to all of this in the show notes. So you can dig into this research, too. But the bottom line here is it's a mistake to go way too high. It's a mistake to go way too low. You got to hit the sweet spot.

So let me go back to the example of my goal to not drink for a couple of months. I'm going to refine my goal because a couple of months, that's kind of vague, isn't it? Right. I don't really have a definition for that. A year, way too big.

A year feels like something like a punishment right now for me. I don't want to do that. My husband does not drink at all. He loves not drinking. I don't want to go an entire year.

That's not what my goal is right now. My goal is to not drink for several months and learn something about myself. And if I decide to keep going, that's great. I could commit to dry January. But you know what?

That feels too little. It feels like something everybody's doing. It feels like something I've tried in the past and I didn't really into it. I want to do something that feels a little bit bigger, but achievable. And so here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to say that I'm not going to drink for 75 days. 75 days. I'm not going to drink that's longer than a couple months. It's not an entire year. It still feels achievable, but it is definitely ambitious.

So now let me turn it to you. Is your goal in that sweet spot? Let's Goldilocks and the three bears. This thing, is it too little, too big, or just right? Is it that 75 day thing?

All right, now let's go to mistake number four. The goal is too general. And I will say, I just kind of outed myself saying two months, not drinking too general. But my goal, to garden more. Way too general.

It's true. Way too general. Dreams can be general because dreams don't have a timeline. But your goals have to be specific. And there's a particular question that a researcher at Columbia University, Dr.

Heidi Halberson, has come up with that you should ask yourself, when will you know if you've succeeded? That's it. When will you know if you've succeeded? And so let's do the gardening example. When will I know if I've succeeded at spending more time in my garden?

This is an interesting question, because when I ask myself this question about succeeding, I realize that it's not really about spending more time gardening. My goal is more about learning how to grow a specific type of flower called a dahlia. I first discovered them last year. I am in love with dahlias. They are so gorgeous and they're kind of complicated.

You got to dig them up where we live and store them inside. Over the winter, you can grow them. I mean, it's like a whole thing. There's almost like a cult of people that love dahlias. And so I'm stepping into this, and I realized that my goal is really to grow my first ever dahlias from seed.

And I know I will have succeeded when I'm able to cut my first bouquet of dahlias and they're in a vase next to my sink. And finally, mistake number five. I'm so excited to share this one with you. This was new to me. I discovered this researching this show.

Most of this stuff I've known based on some of the books that we've researched and projects that we've done for audible. But this new one is so cool. Have you ever heard of a high low range goal? This will blow your mind. This comes from Florida State University.

Now, according to a study from Florida State University, it's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. I'm going to say that again. It's easier to lose two to four pounds than three pounds. Isn't that kind of cool, that a high low range goal is going to make it easier for you to achieve it? So let me put that into application.

So for me, you know what that means. I'm going to make it a goal to journal between five and seven days a week. Oh, that feels achievable. That feels like I can do it. Like, it's still a lot, but I can do it.

Or how about this one with flowering? When I see anywhere from one to ten flowers blooming in my garden, dahlias blooming, I should say I will have succeeded at my goal.

And drinking, I'm not going to budge on it in terms of 75 days, but I can say I'm not going to have had a drink in 75 out of 90 days. I want you to try this research. It's pretty cool because even just saying it, it makes it feel more achievable. So now it's your turn. Let's use this research from Florida state and turn your goal into a high low range.

Know, I know. I'm feeling all excited about my goals, growing my dahlias, journaling. My journaling, not drinking. This is going to be awesome. Now I know what you're thinking.

Okay, got it, Mel. How do I get started? How do I achieve this? Okay, this has been fun, girl, but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year. So now what do I do?

Okay, well, step number one, based on the research, the second that you define your goals, and we have now defined the goals, we are using the research. I'm feeling super empowered. I hope you are, too. You have to make the first milestone super, super easy, because that means it feels like you've already done it. Okay, so we got to make a super simple first step.

And scientists even have a name for this. Scientists call this incremental illusion. That's what we're using, incremental illusion. If you make the first few milestones really easy to achieve, you will be more likely to succeed at this goal. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, is more motivating than progress.

And research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about. Okay, so you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy ten cups of coffee, you get the next coffee free? Here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect, this illusion. Okay, so they gave one group of people a card that was buy ten cups of coffee, get one free card, but it was blank. Okay.

They gave another group of people a buy twelve cups of coffee, and then you get a free card. But two of the slots were already checked off. Progress had already been made. It's still the same thing. You're still having to do ten.

But guess what? The folks that were given the card with two slots already filled in, they moved through that card faster by checking the boxes twice. Listening to this podcast, check. You're no longer at square one. You've defined your goals.

I can tell you some other things. You want to do the smallest step possible. Chris gave me a book about dahlias, those flowers that I love for the holidays. Check. I'm in box two.

If you can take the smallest step today, can you do a Google search? Could you spend a little time journaling. What's something that you could do? You can't think of something? No problem.

I've got something. Based on the research you could do. Step number two, checkbox number two. Tell someone you admire about this goal. This comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State.

Researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value. And these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive. And so here's what you can do. Just tell somebody you admire. Here's how I'm doing it.

I'm sharing these goals with you, and I'm going to go share these goals with my family. And I'm going to share these goals with my friends. I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this summer that is growing dahlias and learn from her. That's another step. This is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress.

And the final thing, the second that this episode is over, do a tiny thing, one step forward. This comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change. Do not wait for Monday. Do not wait for the weekend. Do not wait until later.

The most important thing you could do, that little box you're going to check, is when this podcast is over, spend five minutes taking a step. Who now I get to talk about the most life changing part of all of this. You ready? The whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life. And that's the most important part.

The most important part is that you're pursuing something. That's why goals matter so much. I mean, remember the research we talked about in the very beginning? Those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research, having them, taking little steps toward them, it's going to make you happier. It will suppress negative emotions.

It makes you feel like you're up to something. And your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one, two, or three goals that you're working on than having no goals at all. And there's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal. Okay, first of all, I don't want you to try to get this perfect. I just want you to try.

And the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal, the irony is it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be. Setting goals makes you happy. Working on goals makes you happy. Achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness. Yeah, it is awesome.

When you finally get to the top of that mountain you've been climbing, you take in the view, you catch your breath, you sit down on a rock, you take a selfie, you eat some gorp, and then you stand up and you climb back down. It's over. Yeah. It's amazing. When you pay off your bills, you celebrate, you feel the burst of pride, and then you go on with life.

The point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are deeply personal, that have a will and a why and a how and a way. Right. Is because when you have goals, you're up to something. You're committing to your own growth, and you're getting intentional about things that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing. And we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal.

And there's even a name for it. That's how common this is. It's called the arrival fallacy. It's this fallacy that once you lose the weight, once you get the job, once you find the romance, once you reach the destination, that. Then I'll be in nirvana.

Then I'll be happy. Then no. Tal Ben Shara, the Harvard trained positivity psychology expert. He has debunked this thing in study after study after study. And all you have to do is look at the number of olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved it all that then are just plummeting and struggling with mental health illnesses after their greatest achievements.

And we're like, what? How could they possibly do? They have gold medals. They have millions of dollars. Well, because they're not working toward anything that matters.

It was working toward the gold medal, working to make that movie, going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself, working on it is what gives your life meaning. Goal setting from this point forward must be a part of your life if you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning, period. And so I want you to come back to this episode. I want you to bookmark it. I want you to share this with people that you care about.

If you've got somebody like I do, and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter life, Cris, and they're lost, you know what they need? They need goals. If you have a friend going through divorce you know what they need? They need goals. If you're bored in life or feeling stuck or you've got to hit the reinvention button, you know what you need?

You need goals. And you can relisten to this every single corner at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful and life changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it. Now, I want you to remember the definition of the goal. A goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. And what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours.

In fact, you know, one step you could do. Share this episode with somebody you admire, somebody that is supportive, somebody who you want to have help you achieve your goals. And tell them you just listened to this episode and you used everything that you learned to create these goals and ask for their support. And tell them to email you back once they listen to this episode with what their goals are. That's how we're going to do this.

We're going to do this together. Yes, you can change in secret. Yes, you can change on your own. But let me tell you something. It is way more fun and it's way easier when we do this thing together.

I cannot wait to hear what your goals are and to support you as you start taking little actions every day to achieve them. Because that's the thing about goals. So when you set a goal, you're defining who you want to become. When you make it a habit, these things are what you do. And ultimately it becomes who you are as a person.

That's why this stuff matters. This is how you change your life. You change it by getting clear about what you want and why you want it. And then you get serious about inching forward every single day. So it's no longer something you're writing down on a piece of paper.

It's actually the person that you see every single day staring back at you in the mirror. Because it's become who you are. I am so excited that you're here. And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted to tell you I love you. I believe in you.

And I believe in your ability to not only write down these goals and define them, but to achieve them, too. And that's why I'm here. I'll see you in a couple of days. Wasn't that amazing? Of course it was amazing.

And you're amazing. And you know, what else would be amazing? Could you please, please, please hit the subscribe button? It is a big deal. And you want to know a goal of mine?

A goal of mine is to get to the point where over 50% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers. So do a gall a favor. Hit subscribe. Thank you so much. You're helping me achieve my goal.

And to help you achieve your goals, I want you to listen to this. Next. Your dreams are not a joke. You're going to love it. Bye.