Okay, so tell me what's going on.

So I have a pretty exciting trip planned for the holidays. I'm going to Portugal.

And who are you going with?

And I'm going with my mom and my twin brother, and we're meeting my sister, who's in London right now, but she'll be traveling there to meet us.

Okay.

I am really excited about this trip. I think it's a place I've always wanted to go. Beautiful country. But every time I think about it, instead of actually having that excitement towards the trip, it's this pit of anxiety and fear around. Am I even going to get there? Because I have this long flight ahead of me.

Meaning, am I going to get on the plane or is the plane going to make it to Portugal?

Is the plane going to make it to Portugal?

Gotcha. How many days from now is this flight?

A couple weeks, right before Christmas.

And since this is a couple weeks away, are you feeling nervous yet?

Yes. Yes, definitely.

Describe what that means for you.

For me, it's just like this impending doom, I guess. Like this anticipation of a really traumatizing experience. Not to be dramatic, but, like, it's. It's this pit in my stomach. Anytime I start to think about it, you know, just the normal anxiety trick tendencies come up. Like, my chest feels heavy, I have that, like, pit in my stomach. And I don't know, like, my mind just goes into a million different directions and none of them are positive. They're all just what ifs. What if this, what if that?

And does it get worse the closer you get to actually having to get on that plane and take that trip?

Yeah. I mean, there's always this element of denial, like, I'm not actually going to do it. And then I will eventually be faced with getting on that airplane. And that is kind of when the. When it really clicks of this plane. Like, is not going to make it there. I, like, need to make sure I tell everyone I love them. Those kind of really irrational feelings come to surface at that point.

So I want to tell you something. You may not know this about me, but I used to be a nervous flyer, and I used to have the exact same feelings. Feelings the pit in my stomach. I would constantly entertain the thought, well, maybe I just won't go. I used to, when I was flying home to western Michigan to see my parents for Christmas, I would send the presents ahead because I wanted to make sure that if the plane went down and I died on that flight, that they got the presents and it would get worse and worse. And worse as the date for travel would approach. And I noticed as I became an adult and I had to book my own tickets, my nervousness would also interfere with my ability to book the ticket because I would look at the flight options and I would feel like I was playing russian roulette and I had to pick the right plane because only one of these planes was going to make it. And so I don't know if you feel any of this kind of stuff, but I would delay booking the flights and the next thing you know, there are no cheap seats and now it's expensive.

And so it just, my nervousness for me was more than a pit in my stomach. Does this sound familiar?

Oh, yeah. It's almost comical when I share, like I'm booking these flights and also have a tab open looking at every safety rating and if there was any experience of this aircraft going down and I'm like doing this research, you know, like this whole research project, and I'm going in 2 hours away, you know, and it's so strange that people don't have, maybe not strange, I'm jealous of it, but I always just assumed people went through the same thought process as me that not everyone's panicked about if their flight is gonna make it to their destination.

Well, first of all, I think it's normal to have thoughts about your own mortality when you are in a situation where you're not in control. And so I think that's normal. Second, I think most people are somewhat nervous about flying. I mean, we are climbing onto a metal tube and we're rocketing 30,000ft in the air with a bunch of people we don't know. And then it starts to bounce around as we are hitting turbulence. And I think most people sit on that plane pretending that they're not terrified and that those of us that kind of talk about it, we can laugh about it. But, you know, I've always noticed, particularly now, that I can afford to fly up front in the plane, the drinks are free. And I've always been struck by the fact that Cameron, I'd say 95% of the people that are offered a free drink take it at like eight or nine in the morning. And I don't think it's because they're alcoholics, I think it's because they're nervous. And so I think most people are busy texting their loved ones before the plane takes off, just in case. And so I want you to understand, the fear of dying is not irrational.

The fear of being nervous in a situation where you have no control is not irrational. And so don't, number one, don't make yourself wrong about it, because that just makes it worse. Okay? Because you're now not comforting yourself. You're rejecting your own fear, okay? And when you reject your fear, the fear gets louder. So when you get on the plane, are you better or are you worse?

I'm definitely worse because it's all those thoughts coming to a head. And like you just said, it's this deep fear of not being in control. I think that's where it all stems from. And I'm definitely not an adrenaline junkie, and I don't really like doing anything crazy, that I can't control the outcome. And especially when I'm on an airplane and I don't know who I'm surrounded by. I don't know who's in charge of checking the airplane, like driving, what even is the proper term, flying it. I just. The lack of control really creeps up on me, and I think that's really where the panic, I don't know, just solidifies, and it's a mess from there.

So how do you manage this? Because we all have fears, right? Or we get nervous around something. So, like, you might get nervous walking into the SaT exam. And so then we all have little strategies that we use to try to calm our nerves, or you. You might get nervous before you have to present something at work or in school. And so we have little strategies that we use to calm ourselves down. So you're in the plane, you're buckled up, you're taking off, you're sitting next to your mother and your brother, and the nerves hits. What are the little strategies that you use to try to make yourself literally be okay? Like, can you put us at the scene of a moment when you were on a plane and turbulence hit and, like, you felt, like, the spike of nervousness, what did you do?

I wish I had a strategy that I could say I lean into. Um, I would say rejecting that fear is more of the route I take where I kind of beat myself up for having this fear in general, considering, I don't know, there's just so much more. And I'm sitting here freaked out about an airplane. But I think that's usually step one, is trying to, I don't know, like, bring down that fear. Be like, it's not even real. Like, what are you fearful about? Like, I think I just reject it, which is not helpful. And then that usually fails. And then from there, it becomes usually crying, kind of like a form of a panic attack. I can directly remember after I graduated college in 2021, all my friends and I, we got on an airplane to Tampa, Florida. Super exciting trip. Like, we had just finished the year riding this high, and everyone on the airplane has, like, you know, their fun hats on. Everyone's, like, ordering some drinks. We just graduated. And then there's me in the corner, like, reaching for a hand, trying to find some comfort in someone crying. The corner, like, trying to do all the things that aren't really helpful, I guess, which is me just being cam.

Like, calm down. It's fine. You're fine. So that's my coping mechanism.

So just telling yourself you're fine work?

No. Doesn't ever work.

Does making yourself wrong work when you're nervous?

No.

Does telling yourself to calm down ever work when you're nervous?

No.

Yeah. And let me tell you why. Because you can be two things at once. You can be terrified, and you can find the courage to face it. You can be nervous about getting on a plane, and you can also get on that plane and coach yourself through the feelings of nerves. And when you invalidate yourself for very real fears.

Yeah.

And, you know, it's not the fear of crashing. It's the fear of dying. When you, when you invalidate very real fears, you make the fear bigger. And so first things first, Cameron, I want you to understand it is okay to have this fear. It's normal to be a nervous flyer, and that can be true. And you can use simple strategies backed by science to take control in a situation when you're normally nervous or afraid. And that's what I want to teach you to do, because I believe that this is a problem in your life, because it's holding you back from doing things that you would like to do with your life.

Yeah.

If you were not nervous about flying, what are some of the things that you would do in life?

If I conquered my fear of flying, I think it would also have, like, this trickle down effect on a lot of things that I have held myself back from and just even, like, making it part of my personality that I'm not adventurous. Like, I pride myself on that because I really don't like the risk of not feeling in control. So in terms of flying, like, I'm so young, and I want to be able to say that I've seen more than I have. I think everyone can probably agree on that, even if you aren't young. And, yeah, like you said, just even booking a ticket myself, I'm like, yeah, we'll do that next year. I'll go see that place next year. And, yeah, it makes me sad to think that not only am I holding myself back from seeing places I really want to see, but going deeper than that when I'm on the ground, letting that fear of, you know, not being in control, not knowing everything, kind of hold me back from taking risks in my everyday life.

Yeah. And I want to point something else out. So you are probably five weeks away from this incredible trip happening with your mom and your brother and your sister, going to a place that you really want to go to with people that you love. And for the next five weeks, your nerves and your fear are going to impact how you feel for the next five weeks. It's not just about being nervous when you fly. It's the anticipation and the fact that it's also going to make the next five weeks awful because you're going to be in your body feeling nervous, anticipating this flight. Your mind is going to be going wild about the worst case scenario. And so the real reason why it is important for all of us to recognize moments when we get nervous and moments when fear starts to escalate and to nip it in the bud and take control is not only so that you can get on the plane, it's so that you don't let it ruin the next five weeks.

Yeah.

And so there's also something bigger. And I want to. I want to just connect the dots because I think it'll be meaningful for everybody listening. Your father recently died suddenly. Did your fear of flying and this fear of losing control get worse after he died?

Yeah, 100%. I think any event that tests your control or basically throws it out the window, because I think I spent my whole life kind of latching onto that feeling and then to have it completely ripped away from me in the matter of moments, it felt like then now approaching events that I have no control over, it kind of brings back this feeling of like, wow, I don't. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have control over anything which is true about life, which I struggle really. I struggle a lot with coming to that. I don't know, conclusion or even accepting that, that acceptance is really difficult. I think that I'm not going to be able to control everything in my life. If it's a bad flight or if it's the death of a family member, I can't control any of it.

Yeah. See, I think that's the bigger breakthrough for you, and it's the bigger breakthrough that we all need that in order to enjoy your life and in order to experience all the things that you're meant to experience, learning how to be in those moments where you're nervous or you're afraid and flipping it so that you can step into possibility so you can experience all of the incredible things that your life has to offer, like an amazing trip to Portugal. And to be able to do that, Cameron, and enjoy the five weeks leading up to it, and to be able to get on that plane and enjoy the time with your mom and your brother and be filled with thoughts of excitement about seeing your sister, and then to be able to be in Portugal and enjoy the time there and not be consumed with thoughts about the fact that you're going to have to fly back to Boston. See, I knew that you did that because that's what I used to do. What would that be like for you?

I mean, it would be really important. It's something that, I mean, this is why I'm so open to this conversation. And like you said, those five weeks leading up to it already, I feel that anxiety. And I think during the trip, I definitely don't want that really precious time I have with my family to be tainted by the fact that I'm sitting with anxiety about something I can't control, which is my flight home.

Yep. So here's what I'm going to tell you. You can control it. You can't control what the plane does, but you can control what it's like to be in your body and your head while you're on that plane. And you can control how. I'm going to teach you. Yeah.

How?

I'm going to teach you how. Because I used to be here. Here was Mel Robbins old strategy. You ready for nervous flyer melanin? Like, you know, circa 1990s night early two thousands. So, first of all, when I woke up, and we're just going to talk day of because I don't want to, I could. I could spend 5 hours telling you all the stupid stuff I would do leading up to getting to the airport and the way that I played roulette with which airline I would pick and what seat I needed to be in and all that kind of stuff. And so I. If it were a beautiful day, when I woke up on the day that I flew, I would have a 50% decrease in nerves compared to a day where it was cloudy, raining, or snowing. If we got bad weather, windy wind shears, birds flying, we're in danger zone. And the nervousness spikes the closer we're getting to the airport, Cameron, I'm starting to lose my sense of taste. I'm starting to get dry mouth. I'm starting to get sweaty palms. I get to the airport, and I am literally the nicest person you've ever met in your entire life.

I am like sugar on a donut with every single airport employee because I figure that if I have good karma, God is watching, and that that will help me. I then, you know, go through baggage claim. I get to the gate very early, and when I get to the gate, Cameron, I am looking across the gate area, and I'm looking for three particular types of passengers. The passengers I'm looking for in my gate area. I'm looking for somebody, a man or a woman in uniform, right? So we want somebody in the military on the plane. I'm looking for somebody in a wheelchair. I'm looking for somebody with a baby. And, boy, if we have a priest, a nun, a monk, anybody that is, you know, of religious nature, boom, I'm feeling better. The nervousness has gone down a little because I can say to myself, if these folks are getting on my plane, God is not going to let this plane go down. Then that gets me on the plane. I get on the plane, I take a look to the left as we're boarding. I want to see a crew cut. I want to see a crew cut on one of the pilots because I want air force or navy kind of cut.

If I know that I can see military up front on one of those pilots, I can take another deep breath. So I'm ratcheting it down. Then I get in my seat, and I start firing off the text to everybody that I know and love in case the sucker goes down. And that's when the hyperventilating starts. I basically am starting to go from nervousness to anxiety and toward panic as the plane is now taking off. As we're taking off, I'm holding my breath, right? And I'm trying not to defecate in my genes. And then the plane does that thing after it takes off where it's like it goes, and then all of a sudden, you know, where it goes to level off, and it makes that weird sounds like. And it sounds like it's going to fall out of the air. That's where I lose my shit. I literally start panic texting Chris. I grabbed the hand of the stranger next to me. I start hyperventilating. That's where all bets are off. And I'm basically in a freaked out state. The poor person next to me is going, oh, my God, how did I get seated next to this freak?

And I'm slowly trying to calm myself down, and I'm basically in that state until either the seatbelt sign goes off or the beverage cart comes out, because I figure once the captain has told us the seatbelt sign is off or the beverage cart is out in the aisle, we're good. They would not release the seatbelts or release the beverage cartae. Right. If we weren't good. So that's how I used to deal with flying. That's how. That's. That's what my life was. And then one day, something very cruel happened. I was on a plane. It was a beautiful day. I was traveling with my family. Um, very short flight. That's another bonus when it comes to being nervous. If it's a short flight, a new plane, we're really good. Beautiful day. Got all those. We took off with my family hanging out, and the beverage cart was in the aisle, the seatbelt signs were off, and the plane hit an air pocket, and it all of a sudden dropped. And then the airbags dropped out, and I literally, a freaking heart attack. And you know what's interesting is I had spent so much time and in my life panicking, Cameron, that when the.

You know what hit the fan, there was no panic left. Everybody else on the plane panicked. I was like, oh, this is how this ends. I actually got kind of madden. And luckily, nothing happened. I mean, the captain just came on and was like, we just hit an air pocket. Everything's fine. We're gonna just go a little lower. We don't need to wear the oxygen mask. Of course. Then, like complete idiots, everybody starts taking photos of themselves with the oxygen masks, and we land safely. But here's the problem with that. All of the little superstitious bargaining stuff. Oh, if it's good plane. Oh, if the beverage cart. Oh, if there's a crew cut, oh, if this happens, then I'm safe. I had all those things, and something happened. And so it was in that moment that I was like, I have to figure out how to change this, because I want to fly a lot. I want to see the world. I don't want to spend five weeks before a test or a big athletic meet or a flight I have to take or some presentation that's important. Wracked with nerves. I don't want to sabotage my own potential.

I don't want to torture myself with all these stupid fears. And that's basically what you and I are doing. When we allow the nerves, which are normal, it is normal to be nervous. What I'm here to teach you, Cameron, is you don't have to let those nerves control your life or stop you from doing what you want to do with your life. We can flip the script on your own brain and your own nervous system. Jenny is flying to LA to do three photo shoots, and she was just sharing that she was a little nervous. And why are you nervous about getting on a plane and flying to LA? I always get a little nervous before flying. I just get a little bit afraid, like, nervous leaving my kids and that everything's gonna get done and then I'll be okay on the plane. And I start to go through the to do list of things I might have forgotten. But are you worried about things not getting done, or you worried about dying in a plane? Uh, dying in a plane. Let's be honest. We're all worried when we fly and we're dying in a flight.

And I'll confess something. Even though I fly all the time, um, like, literally some years, more than 120 flights a year. Oh, my God. Whenever I get on a plane, I always think about whether or not the plane is going to go down. And I get very nervous when Chris and I fly together because I think about what happens if something happens to Chris and I and, you know, our kids well. So here's one thing. I kind of get pragmatic and I go, well, I'm not going to be there, so I'm not going to have to deal with it, but that's not going to help you. So I want to give you a little trick, because this is what has really helped me get over the fear of flying over all these years. So here's the trick. Before you do your trip, I want you to come up with one vision of what's one thing you're excited to do the whole week that you're out in LA shooting for those three clients, what's the. What's the vision of the thing? You're the most excited about this, honestly. I mean, I'm sorry, but I. The shoot, but I'm more excited about having creative space for myself.

Describe what that looks like. Describe the place you're gonna be in. I'm gonna be in a bungalow in Topanga by myself with this, like, cute little boho haven, with my journal, my books, my computer. Just streaming up the dream. Fabulous. Okay, great. So now that you have a specific vision, you're gonna start using it now. Because I know that the fear of flying doesn't just happen when you're on the plane. It's already kicked in, isn't it? Right. Okay, so every time you feel yourself. 24 hours with my kids left. 24 hours with my children. I gotta be the best mother ever, because if I die, I want these memories to be incredible. So when you feel yourself getting nervous, I want you to immediately envision yourself in that bungalow, envision yourself in that space. She's taking a deep breath, right? And then you're gonna say these words. And it's really important that you say these words. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to be in that space with that creative freedom. I can see the bond. I'm so excited to have that. And what happens when you say, I'm so excited is you take the nervous anxiety energy, and instead of fighting, resisting and letting it take over, you actually kind of channel and spirit toward a different emotion, which is excitement.

And in your body, there's no difference between a nervous feeling and an excited feeling. So it's a simple trick that has profound science behind it. They studied this at Harvard medical school and Harvard Business School. It's incredible. It's called reframing performance anxiety. So if you say, I'm so excited, you. You have a specific vision. You trick your mind into thinking about the bungalow, and your body settles immediately. Wow. Cool. And so you might have to use it 37 times on the five hour flight to LA. You might use it 72 times between now and when you get on that plane, but it will. I'm not kidding. You allow you to take control of your body, take control of your mind, let that spirit inside you soar. I call this, like, mind body sphere of confidence. And this is a little trick. I'm so excited with the vision. And then when you're coming home, come up with a corresponding thing about what you're super excited to do when you get home. And then every time you feel slightly nervous when you're on the plane, I'm so excited to pull into the driveway and have the kids run out.

I'm so excited to look at my, like, whatever it is. Okay.

Okay.

Got it. How do you feel? Good. Excited. Let me know how that works for you, too, because we're all afraid of flying. Come on. We're all afraid to die. We're all afraid to go down on a plane. But you can the feeler. The fear is normal and real, but you have the power to use body mind spirit confidence to steer the fear and nerves into excitement for what you're about to go to. I'm boarding a plane momentarily to fly home to Boston, it's like a four and a half hour flight guarantee. We're gonna hit some turbulence. I'm gonna take you on this plane and walk you step by step. How you can use some simple tools to beat your fear of flying once and for all. Right, step number one. And you have to do this before you get on the plane. You have to come up with an anchor thought. Here's how you do it. I want you to think about where you're flying to. Now. Ask yourself, what are you really excited to do once you get there? That thing that you're excited to do? That is your anchor thought. So in my case, I'm flying from Las Vegas, from a speech home to Boston, Massachusetts.

My anchor thought is going to be walking in the front door and seeing my dog, amigo, and how excited I am going to feel when I finally get home from this business trip. So before I get on the plane, I have an anchor thought, which is what I'm excited to do when I get home to Boston. And then when we get on the plane, I'm going to explain to you how the anchor thoughts works and how you're going to use it to fight your fear of flying. All right, let's go. As you get closer to the airplane, you might start to feel nervous. This is where the anchor point comes in. Start thinking about how excited you are to get to the place that you're going and be visualizing very specifically, specifically what it's going to feel like, in my case, to walk in the front door, see the dog, finally be home. You're going to use your anchor thought. You're going to use your anchor thought to stabilize your thoughts and not let worry hijack you. And that's going to keep your body stabilized, and your physiology won't start getting all jacked up. So again, keep.

I keep thinking about walking in the front door and seeing amigo. So when I used to be afraid of flying, the second that I got on the plane and I started to buckle in, I immediately started feeling really trapped. And this is why it's so important for you to practice this idea of the anchor thought, because what the anchor thought does is it basically anchors your mind on something super positive that's related to the flow light that you're on. And by anchoring your mind on thoughts that are really positive, you have the ability to stabilize your body. And so as you're sitting in the seat, go back to your anchor thought and think about how excited you are to get to where you're going, you know, we're flying to Boston today, and there may be turbulence, there may be weird noises. There may be things that make me nervous. But if I always come back to the anchor thought as we're flying, and my anchor thought being walking in the front door, seeing amigo, what's amazing is you have the ability to trip your brain because by thinking about amigo and walking in the front door, my mind gets tricked because it goes, oh, wait a minute.

Mel's not worried about flying. She's actually just excited to get home. And so you use your anchor thought literally before you get on the plane, as you're getting on the plane, as you're sitting on the plane, and certainly through takeoff, through turbulence, you're going to keep coming back to it. And what your mind does is your mind basically says, holy cow. If Mel actually walks in the front door of her house and sees the dog, the flight made it, so there's nothing to worry about again. That's why it's so important to pick the thought related to the flight, to pick it before you get on, and to keep coming back to it, because your mind will start defaulting to, well, there's nothing to worry about because she's gonna see her dog tonight. So, of course, the plane makes it number two. You have to be on the alert for your mind hijacking. Now, the pilot just came on the air and welcomed everyone on and then said, you know, the faster we get on board, the faster we can make it to Long beach. And the whole plane just went long beach, because, of course, we're going to Boston.

Now, what's interesting is if you're somebody that's afraid of flying, you will look for every single reason to justify being nervous. And so if you're somebody that's afraid of flying, and the pilot says, we're going to Long beach by mistake, which is probably where they came from, instead of Boston, which is where we're going, your mind, if you're not in control, will go, oh, my God. He said Long beach. Holy cow. This is a sign that the plane's going to go down. This is a warning that I need to get off right now. This is a sign from God that telling me that the plane's not going to make it to Boston. And, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And within 10 seconds, you've just lost control of your thinking. And so be very mindful when you're on the plane, when you get triggered, and it could be something as subtle as a pilot misspeaking the destination. It could be turbulence, it could be a loud noise, it could be a passenger that's waking you out. But you gotta be mindful of how quickly your brain will hijack you and will make you think crazy stuff.

The fact that he mistakenly said we're going to Long beach instead of Boston has absolutely, absolutely nothing to do with anything. And the fact that I know that I'm going to be going in my front door and hugging my dog, amigo, tonight means that intellectually I'm aware that this plane actually makes it to Boston. So there is absolutely nothing to be worried about. So really pay attention to how many things trigger you that don't need to trigger you and fight to keep control of what you're thinking about, which is actually making it to the destination and doing something really exciting once you get there. Number three, remember, everything is a good sign. Not a bad one, a good sign because it means you're one step closer to getting to where you're going and doing the thing that excites you. In my case, hugging my dog and finally being home. Whether it's the door closing on the airplane, you're not trapped in like some sort of. You're actually going home and you're going to see somebody that you love or whether it's the gate pulling away. That's good news. It's not bad news. You're not trapped.

You're actually one step closer to getting home and doing something that you're excited about. So remember, everything that happens is a really good sign because you're closer to doing the thing that excites you and getting where you're going. See, that's a good sign. We're one step closer. We can't get to Boston and hug my dog without the door closing. And we can't get to Boston and hug amigo without us pulling away from the gate. Bye Vegas. Hello, Boston and Amigo. Alright, number four, make sure that before you get on the plane you set yourself up for success by either creating playlists of songs that you love or get something ready that you can watch. This is where I catch up on stranger things. And the reason why this is important is because if you're busy watching tv or listening to music that you love, the sounds are not going to freak you out. And so between tuning into something that you really love, whether it's television show like stranger things or a playlist that you love to listen to, you're going to distract your mind and you're also going to tune out the noises that might otherwise trigger you.

And heck, I mean, why not listen to something that you love? After all, you're going to make it and you're going to do something exciting that you, once you get there. So you might as well set yourself up to sit back and relax and actually enjoy yourself. And number five, of course, you want to use the five second rule. So the second your thoughts drift, I mean, this is a four and a half hour flight, so chances are we're going to hit turbulence, we're getting a little bumps right now. Chances are it'll be a sound that I don't like when my thoughts drift to something scary or nervous. 54321, you gotta count backwards to interrupt your habit of being afraid of flying and your habit of being worried and you're gonna go, 54321, and then drop in the anchor thought. Mine, of course, is walking in the front door, giving my dog a hug, seeing my husband, being home, and then tell yourself, I'm so excited to get to Boston or I'm so excited to get where I'm going. And that's it. That's the five steps to actually curing your fear of flying. They sound stupid.

They're extremely simple. They're backed by science. They are proven to work. They've worked for me, they've worked for thousands of people around the world, and they will work for you. What I want you to do if you're feeling a level of fear right now is I want you to use a concept that I learned from my friend Carrie Lorenz, who is the first female f 14 Tomcat fighter pilot in the history of the United States in the armed forces. She is a freaking badass and she has this thing that she's taught me called span of control. Do you know that the majority of airplane crashes are due to human error, not mechanical error? And in order to train pilots, this is something I learned from her. There is a concept called span of control, which means when you get into a situation as a pilot that makes you afraid. You immediately narrow your span of control down to three things because apparently, and I'm not a pilot either, so don't take my word for this, but apparently there are three things that you got to manage when you get into a situation that spikes your fear in order to keep that plane in the air, right?

And so when you narrow your span of control to those three things that really matter, you tune out all the dials. Think about what a plane, kind of the front of a plane. I don't even know the control panels of a plane. Look like there's a bazillion things that you got to look at. Very confusing, very overwhelming. Just like right now. What are my kids doing? Should I go out? Home depot parking lot. People are at the beach. What the fuck? I thought we were in a pandemic. What? Like you could start to wig yourself out about everything. You don't need to do that. What you need to do is narrow your span of control to the things that you truly are concerned about. I will tell you, I've stopped washing packages that come in. I've stopped being psycho about the groceries. I'm also not immunocompromised. We have been isolating in a squad with a bunch of families. We had some of them over last night. Outside, I'm washing my hands just as much. I'm wearing my mask. I only go out when I absolutely need something, like Home Depot or booze. The thing that I'm doing now, knowing that my kids are out and about, is I'm narrowing my span of control to not micromanaging them and what they're doing, but micromanaging what happens when they come back into this house.

Go upstairs, change your clothes, wash your hands. That's all I can do. I remind them, spray down the steering wheel if they've driven. That's all I can do. I am narrowing the span of control. So if you feel nervous, that's what you should do. Just figure out what is the narrow span of control. What are the three things that you care about? For me, it's that my children, who are now running around like a pack of wild dogs with their friends, trying to enjoy the summer and let off some steam, I don't blame them. It's what is my decontamination system for those human beings that I created when they enter my home, I'm not concerned about me. I'm not concerned about how I'm concerned about them. Got it? Good. Span of control is going to lower your fear. Today we're going to talk about the biggest fear that people have in life. You know, Seinfeld famously joked that the person in the coffin isn't scared. It's the person who has to speak about the person in the coffin who is. The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have. And I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living.

I'm talking about the fear of speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work, expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting, at school, pushing back on something with a doctor, like just being able to express yourself. And the reason why this is such a huge fear for people is because it is a moment of intense vulnerability. The second that you go to speak at work, what happens? Everybody turns and all eyes are on you, and suddenly you feel like there's a spotlight on you and you get really worried about being judged. Same thing happens when you have to speak in class, right? When you got called on in class, most people get a little nervous. A lot of people hated that moment in elementary school when you had to read out loud. That's a moment of public speaking. And we are so afraid in that moment when the spotlight is on us. And I've shared in a number of episodes that I used to be terrified of public speaking. I would turn bright red when I got called on as a little kid in law school.

I would start coughing attacks, or I would leave the room. As a young lawyer, I would wear a scarf because I'd get these neck rashes as I was talking to the judge, to the prosecutor in a small courtroom. And I just figured I would be the kind of person that always had a bright red face, always had an awful case of hives on my chest, always felt my tongue going dry. And I hated it. I hated it, hated it, hated it. And today, what I'm going to talk about is how I went from being afraid of public speaking to becoming. I'm almost like, you know, like I. Sounds braggadocious, but the truth is I went from that to being the most successful female speaker in the world. More than 111 speeches a year on the corporate circuit. So Microsoft, Starbucks, JP Morgan, at and T, any kind of company you can imagine. I've been there. Now, the first question I always get is, how did you get into the speaking business and how did you become the most sought after female speaker on the corporate speaking circuit? Mel. Well, the truth is, I didn't set out to do anything.

I've told you guys a story about how that TEDx talk happened by accident in 2011 and how I had a 20 1 minute long panic attack while I was giving that talk. And I never thought I would speak ever, ever, ever again. And then something crazy happened. A year later, somebody put the TEDx talk online, and for another year, it went crazy viral, and I didn't even know it was online. And so we're talking 2013 now. By mid 2013, people start to reach out to me on Facebook and say, hey, I saw that thing in San Francisco. And I'm like, were you there. They're like, no, it's online. I'm like, it's online. And I realized, holy cow, this thing's online. It's got, like, a million views. That's crazy. And people kept reaching out, and it was mainly women's conferences, and they were asking if I wanted to come and do, like, a breakout session, and they wanted me to just repeat that TEDx talk. And so I had no idea that this was an industry or a business. I looked at speaking as something that famous people do, something that sports people do, something that people that are major, major authors must do.

So I didn't have a book. I didn't have anything. I just had my little secret, five second rule. In my back pocket. I had a TEDx talk that had mistakenly gone viral online. And now I had people asking me if I would come, and I would talk in breakout sessions at women's conferences, and I'm like, okay, that sounds fun. Now, keep in mind, in my life, this is the moment when Chris has left the restaurant industry. He is bottomed out, not functioning, focused on getting sober. And I am working two jobs, trying to keep things afloat. I mean, it is a really scrambling time in our life. And so I said yes to these things, and I'll never forget it. In 2013, I did seven talks. I think it was all for free. I had no idea that people got paid to do this, and I was doing it because I wanted to escape the pressure of my life. And if I'm being perfectly honest, as nervous as I was about doing this, and I'd get a big neck rash, and I'd turn bright red on my face. As nervous as I was, there was something about being asked to tell my story and inspire other people that really lifted me up and made me feel, I don't know, like, it's sort of like how you fluff a pillow up when it's looking deflated.

It just lifted my spirits a little bit to have the focus be on helping other people. And so it was like a lifeline, but I was still so nervous. When I tell you I was nervous. I mean, I was so nervous, I not only wore Spanx, I would put, like, a pad in the Spanx, because I was sweating so much. I had all kinds of wardrobe fails because I would. I would literally sweat like Niagara Falls. That's what I do. I have a hot flash as I get nervous, so I'll never forget it. It was the Pennsylvania women's conference. It was Hillary Clinton, I think, was the keynote speaker. And then there was this incredible woman who was the principal of Strawberry Hill mansion, who I just love. And she spoke in the main room, 14,000 women there. And I was in this breakout session, and it was the largest room I had ever been in. I almost had a heart attack. There were, like, a thousand seats set up, and I had never been in a room that size. So I give this talk, which was largely just a mimic of the TEDx talk that I did.

And this woman comes up to me afterwards, and she's like, oh, my God, you were so great, you know, which is really nice to hear. And she said, can I ask you a question? You know, I was also a speaker this morning. I was in a breakout room on a panel, and I just want to ask you a question, speaker to speaker. And I was like, of course. And she said, did you get your check yet? And I said, check? Wait a minute. You got paid for this? And she looked at me with horror and said, oh, my God. I'm really sorry. I just assumed, like, you had a bigger. I just assumed that you got paid. I'm like, people get paid for this. Like, people, like, normal people get paid for this. And I was so flabber. It was one of those moments where you're just like, am I the stupidest fucking idiot on the planet? Does everybody else know this shit but me? And I was so dumbfounded that for two weeks, I was just, like, stunned at what an idiot I was. I didn't even think to ask anybody to pay me to do this because I didn't think I was any good at it.

So I made myself a promise. I said, you know what? I'm. I have no idea what to charge. You don't have a book. You should probably write one of those, too. But first you got to figure out how to keep the lights on in the house and keep the family afloat and keep paying the bills. And I thought, here's what I'm going to do. I am going to. Just when the next person calls and says, we'd like to book you to speak, I'm going to pause. 54321. Take a breath. And then I'm going to say, I think I'm available. What's your budget? And then I'm going to wait, I'm going to listen to the number, and then I'm going to 54321. Pause. Normally I'm double. And pause and see what happens because I didn't even know what to price myself at. So two weeks later, the phone rings and it's this guy in Dallas, Darren Paul. And he had been in the speaking business for, like, 20 years. And he says, you know, blah, blah, blah. Heard the da da da da da. And I got to thank his wife, Lori, because she's the one that saw my TEDx talk going viral on Facebook.

And she said to her husband, you got to book this woman for our sales conference for Jay Hilburn. And so Darren calls me. First phone call I received. No joke. When I've made myself this promise. And he asked if I'm available five months from now in Dallas in August, to speak at the national sales conference for this company, J. Hilbert. I said, I think I'm available. What's your budget? And he said, $10,000. I dropped the fucking phone. We had liens on our 10,000. I had no. I had no fucking idea, people. What? The 10,000 fucking dollars? Are you fucking kidding me? I will. I will literally, I'll strip for that. I mean, that's unbelievable. So, I forgot the second part. I was like, okay, I'm in. I'm in. Yes, yes, yes. Now, luckily, I was so nervous. And, you know, sometimes fear is a fantastic thing because it motivates you. I was so nervous because I felt so unworthy of that amount of money that I did something really smart. And fear motivated me to do this. I was so nervous that I would fall flat on my face, because I believed I was not worthy of that kind of money, because I had never made that kind of money that I used half of the budget to pay a graphic designer to help me create a PowerPoint, because I needed at least something that would look like that.

And I practiced and I practiced and I prepared. And that's one of the big things that you got to take away. One of the best freaking tools for nerves is preparation. The more you prepare, what you're actually doing is working through your own resistance to this shit. You're creating muscle memory. You're rehearsing. Will you choke? Maybe, but not after I teach you the tools that I'm going to teach you today. But you will never get better or conquer your fear of doing this public speaking if you're unwilling to prepare. So part of the nerves might be that you're not even preparing enough. You're not rehearsing. You're not rehearsing in front of people. You're not taking the time to edit your mark like it takes time. And rehearsal is so important. If you prepare, you're removing nerves. You're setting yourself up to win. And so think about preparing like you're just building this muscle. It doesn't take the nerves away or the fear away or the stakes away, but, by God, it's going to help these tools work because you will have the preparation. There's this really famous quote that I love, that I talk about all the time.

It's by Charlie Bird Parker. I don't even know if this is a real story, but I love this quote. Apparently, Charlie Bird Parker, the famous jazz musician, was asked by a journalist who was writing a big article about him. How the hell do you do what you do with that horn? And you know what Charlie bird Parker said? He said, well, first you gotta learn your instrument. And that takes years, decades of practice. You got to study it. You got to rehearse. You got to do your scales. You got to practice over and over and over and over and over again until you learn that instrument. And then you forget all that shit they taught you, and you just wail. And so preparation allows you to tap into your genius. Preparation is what allows you to improv, to freestyle, to be fully expressed, the highest you to channel, to, like, tap into something. And it's in there, in you. That's why you feel this push pull and this desire to show up more in your life. So I spent all this time preparing, and I showed up, and there are moments in your life that really matter, and this was one of them.

I met this moment. I stepped on that stage with my neck rash and my rosy cheeks and my dry mouth, and I fucking destroyed it because I had prepared, because I was afraid. Now, I also had the biggest wardrobe failure I have ever had on a stage. So I wore this dress because at the time, I was a commentator for CNN, and I used to wear this dress all the time on CNN. And I thought, okay, if somebody's paying you that kind of money, you gotta look like you're on tv. So I wore this, like, kind of power lady dress. You can already imagine it, right? It's got, like, sort of the. The v neck and the pencil skirt. And it's hard to walk in. It looks good on television, but you're not moving, and you're sitting in a chair. I had never looked at it with a light behind me. And at the end of the speech, I just filet this thing. I walk off that stage. It was the first time I'd ever been projected on a jumbotron in an arena. And after the speech, this woman came out to me. She was darling.

She's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love the five second rule. Thank you so much. It was amazing. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna pay my mortgage this month. This is great. And she said, you were so great, I have to tell you something. And I'm like, what? She said, don't ever wear that dress again. I said, why? She said, I don't even want to tell you this. I said, what? She said, I could not only see that you were wearing Spanx, but that you had a thong on underneath them. That dress is so see through, and you could see it all on the jumbotron. Okay? We went from winning to wanting to melt and crawl into a hole, but fuck it. You know, I honestly, when you fuck up, you know what? The research shows people like you more, and that shows in that comment that, by the way, is called the pratfall effect, that your imperfections make you more likable, more trustworthy. It makes you, as an expert, be somebody that people lean toward. And you've had this experience, haven't you, where you might have somebody that's got a PhD, that's a know it all that's really snooty and talking down to you, you're kind of like, I don't want to learn from you, but when you got somebody that is, you know, on a stage or teaching you something or just somebody you meet, if there's something that humanizes them, it so builds trust.

And that's an important thing to understand, because the idea here is not that you're going to get it perfect, it's that you're willing to try. So maybe that's why I destroyed it. I don't know. Everyone was rooting for me because you could see the Spanx and the thong underneath the dress, but that dress went in the freaking trash can at the hotel, never to see the light of day again. Although I hope somebody pulled it out and used it. But I never look back from that moment, because Darren, who booked me, had been in this business for 20 years, and he said, I got to tell you, you are top three of all time and the single best female speaker I have ever seen in my entire life, who manages your business? And I said, you do. And he has run my speaking business ever since. And so along the way, it took me several years to truly get over my nerves. And I don't get nervous. I care deeply. I get super intentional about the stakes because I really want to make a huge difference, and I want to destroy it on these stages and entertain and empower and inspire and all of it.

So I do care about how I perform when I am stepping on a stage or I'm behind this mic. But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves. And that's what I'm going to teach you today, because you know what I want for you? I want your fullest expression. I want fear to stop holding you back. I want you to trust fall into your life. I want you to take that first step and climb the staircase to the things that you want in your life. And there are too many places where fear holds you back and keeps you silent and has you questioning yourself. And so that was me too. And I just chipped away at this fucker. And I am so glad that I did because I just can't even imagine how much I would yearn for what I'm doing now without even realizing it. But the first step is admitting that there are fears that are holding you back. And so we're going to use public speaking because it's the number one fear for everybody.

My biggest fear was being in front of people. So this is it right here. This really how do you feel in your body right now? So when I, when I got called, I could, I just, I went and bawled in the bathroom for a little bit. I think you're doing fantastic. Yeah, I'm doing really good. Your body, when you're about to do something that's important to you, it goes into a state being prepared to be present. That's all that's happening. So right before you're about to hit live and you feel your stomach turn. Anybody feel that when you're about to go live? Yeah. Do you know what's happening in your body? The blood is pulling away from your digestive tract, and it's actually going to your organs so that your body is in a state to be prepared and focused. Because if youre a doing something where you're prepared and focused, you don't need to be digesting your food. And that's why your stomach grumbles. That's the only reason why it's happening. Nothing's about to go wrong. Your body's preparing to do something that requires focus. That's it. That is it. And here's an even TMI thing.

You know how before you're about to give a speech or maybe you're doing something you're really prepared about and suddenly you got to go to the bathroom? That is your body getting rid of extra waste so that if you had to run, you could seriously, that's what that's for. And it happens to me every freaking speech. Ten minutes before, I'm like, where's the bathroom? They're like, you can't go right now. I'm like, but I have to go. You can't go right now. Yeah, you're the same. And so it's never going to leave you. And it's a good thing because your body's trying to help you focus in the moment. That's all that's going on. It's our minds that screw it up. So what is the biggest obstacle that you're facing right now? Just this. People looking at me. Yeah. All the eyes. That's. It's overstimulating for my system. Okay, well, stand up. Like a panic attack. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you're standing here, and I want you to just. Okay, you're gonna stand in front of me because I don't even want to be standing. And I want you to just kind of look into people's eyes.

Look all the way in the back row over here. Look in the back row over there. Yep. I'm so glad. I need this so much. What are you. What are you getting from this? That I'm safe. It's okay. Yes. Yeah. And look, people are going to. There are going to be people that judge you. There are going to be people that comment nasty stuff on your thing. And one of the things that I want to share with you that's really fascinating is that I read something about this psychological thing that happens when people tweet, when they text and when they write comments online. Psychologically, when people are doing that, they're not thinking about you. Believe it or not, they're not thinking about you. Because what happens for most people is that when you read an article or you read a tweet and you're like, well, that's son of a. You know, and you, like, go off in your body. The reason why you go off and react is because you read the tweet. It's actually a psychological state as if you're talking to yourself. And so if you don't agree with what the person is saying, you react to it in your own mind as if, Mel, have you gone crazy?

You don't believe that. And then you sound off in a comment, not even thinking about the other person. You're literally debating yourself. And so they've done study after study about trolls, about people that write stuff. Because I think the scariest thing about putting yourself out there, particularly if you're doing it in videos or you're putting your work out there or you're putting your business, you know, you're launching a coaching business or you're launching a business to help other people. When you put yourself out there, people will come back. And this is where it is so important to understand that when people react, they're reacting to something in them and they're not even psychologically capable of considering you or your opinion because we think, well, how could somebody possibly think that? Because I don't think that. So if somebody reacts to you in your life, for example, and you decide to quit your job and you decide to become a personal trainer and you decide to, to launch a coaching business, and you get some of that kind of side eye from friends. Right. Part of what's getting confronted is they don't know how they could possibly do that.

And they have been talking to themselves in their own minds that it's not possible. And so they're having a debate with themselves. Well, nobody makes money in network marketing me. Really? Watch me. So they say those things because they're talking to themselves. You know, the irony about me is you guys think I'm talking to you. It's actually a pep talk out loud for myself at all times. Yes. So understand that you can find people to support you. You will always find people to criticize you. Watch, though, how when somebody outside of you criticizes you, how that triggers the internal pattern. So what is the pattern that you have of thinking that gets triggered that disempowers you? That I won't have any words. You won't have any words. Let's go deeper than that. Is it something about being loved or being unworthy or not being good enough? What is underneath? I won't have the words. Yeah. They won't be the right words. And I. It won't be good enough.

Yeah.

Okay. And so do you have an opinion that you're not good enough or not deserving of success or that you're not smart enough to make a difference? Yeah. What is the one, what is, what is the thing that hooks you that you say to yourself that I'm stupid. Okay, there we go. That's a good one. Not a good one, but you know what I mean? That's a good one because, okay, I'm a piece of. Now we're talking. Yeah, that's the big one. Who told you that? I don't know who told me that. When did you start believing that it's a little girl. Yeah. God, I've just been saying it for so long, I don't know. That's okay. She said, I've been saying it for so long, I don't know. As you now know what you're looking for, you're going to start to connect the dots. Okay. And so here's the thing. At some point, you started telling yourself, whatever I'm a piece of as a strategy, you did it on purpose, as a youngster, as a way to survive things that were happening. Because maybe when you said, well, I'm a piece of, you actually got really quiet and you didn't get hit.

Or maybe when you said that you removed yourself from situations when you would have been abused or something, it worked because it protected you. As weird as it sounds. Yeah. Are you seeing something? What are you seeing? Well, yeah, my dad didn't want. He wanted me to be quiet in the corner. Being quiet. Yeah. He couldn't make noise and, okay. Cry. And if you got, if you raised your voice, you got in trouble. So do you guys see the link now between why she has a concern about finding her words? Oh, yeah, I didn't get that one. You see that now? Yeah. So every time that you are in a situation where you need to speak up, how many are you relating to this, by the way? I have a theory about all of us, that we have patterns and strategies that we created when we were little in order to survive situations. And what she internalized was don't speak up. And you're a piece of if you do, and believe me, that protected your ass. It worked because you didn't speak up and you didn't get in trouble with your dad. Right. And I still got the love.

So if I speak up now, I'm going to lose my dad's love. Do you see this? So this is a pattern that got written when she was little. It was written by someone else and it worked. It worked. The problem is now that you're working now, it's not working now. Not working now. And see. Exactly. And so this is what's fascinating about all this. There are places in your life where you have patterns that you don't even recognize that were strategies that you developed when you were a kid. And so in the areas where you're really frustrated, that pattern is probably, probably not present or conscious, something that you're aware of. And so every single time, because you've been repeating this and repeating it and repeating it every single time you're about to hit play every single time you're going to stand on a stage, what's going to be right there is don't speak up. Yes. Freeze. And you're going to go 54321. The only thing to that actually overrides this pattern is to speak. And through speaking, you will see that you're not a piece of. You actually have something to say. Or you could make fun of it and say, well, I guess I'm just a piece of something to say.

That's gonna be my thing. Yes, I'm a piece of. And I got something to. To say. That's right. And I also like the strategy of kind of making the fun of the stuff, even the heavy stuff, because it loses its grip on me. It works for me. It may not work for you, but it's something to try. Okay, you got it. Thank you. Cool. Great job. So the fear of disappointing people. We've talked about one place that it comes from, which is making sure not to create a scene and making people like you. That's one lane that most of us have. And I'm going to tell you a story in a minute about how you can manage this, the second lens. And I got to give credit to my business partner, Mandy, for this, is that so many of us have this perfectionism gene. And the reason why we're perfectionists is we're trying to insulate ourselves from criticism that if you get it perfect, no one will give you feedback. If you get it right, nobody's going to criticize you. If you do it perfect, then no one will be able to attack you. And the problem with that, and that's just another side of the same coin, which is the fear of disappointing people.

You're managing not disappointing people, not by lying and not by being codependent, but by actually trying to be a perfectionist so that nobody criticizes you. So let me tell you a story about the fear of disappointing people in my own life, because this is the biggest trigger in my life. I mean, it goes back to being in fourth grade, right? It's there. And this is another thing. I literally have to remind myself of this everybody, every single day. You cannot remove the things that trigger you. You can't. If you've been doing a pattern since fourth grade, there will be things for the rest of your life that will trigger that pattern to come up, but you can always choose not to repeat the pattern. So you'll be triggered and be afraid that you're going to disappoint somebody. That's real, that's normal. It's natural. It's part of being a human being. I think it's interwoven into every relationship where you love somebody, but you don't have to behave the way that you always behaved when you're nervous about disappointing somebody. So let me give you a dumb story. You ready? When my husband and I got married, my father gave us this really incredible gift.

He gave us an antique pool table. I grew up in Muskegon, Michigan, where Brunswick was founded. And my dad has a hobby of going to garage sales and estate sales and buying old dilapidated pool tables, and then he restores them. So when Chris and I got married, and he bought us an old dilapidated pool table from the same era as our house, which is the 1870s, he restored the whole thing. And then recently, he and I rented a u haul, and we drove this sucker from Muskegon, Michigan, to Boston, Massachusetts. My dad and I took a road trip. We get there, and we assemble the pool table in what used to be our playroom. Fast forward three or four years. The speaking business takes off. My business starts to grow. We have people that work for us, and my kids are older. We don't need a playroom. We need an office. The pool table is in the middle of this thing. For the first two years of having the office, we kept the pool table there. Why? Because I didn't want my dad to be disappointed, because I love him. Now he visits our house twice a year for two or three days with my mom.

And I kept this thing occupying a third of our office for two years. And then I realized, I'm being ridiculous. I'm being absolutely ridiculous. Now, here's the thing. Will he be disappointed if I take the pool table down? Absolutely. Definitely. There are always going to be things that you do, decisions that you have to make in your life, in your business, for your family that will disappoint other people. It's unavoidable. But the fact that he's going to be disappointed should never be the reason that I don't do something that is aligned with my values. Now, let's take it a step further. When you make a decision that is likely going to disappoint people, or that does still make the decision, because it's your life, there's nothing worse than when you start to rob your future and your life and your happiness, because you're so focused on other people. However, if you love people, you can still take care of them when you make that decision. So, let me go back to the example of the pool table. So I knew I was going to take it down. I knew my father was going to be disappointed.

I was disappointed. I don't have a big house, so I don't, you know, I don't have the room for a huge pool table. I don't have a finished basement, like a lot of people. I don't have, like, a cool garage game room thing. Like, I don't. I just don't have it. I called him first and said, I need to talk to you about something. You know, the pool table? I love the pool table, dad. My business is growing so much. I actually need an office. And. Oh, great. It'll be great in the office. And I'm like, well, yeah, it would, except I have, you know, three or four people showing up, and we got to put some desks in there for now. Even went down well. You could put a piece of plywood, they could work on the pool table, and then they could do the thing and then the thing. And now my heart is racing because I don't want to disappoint my dad. And now he's fighting for the. And I had to just say, for me, dad, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to hire professional movers in the pool table business to disassemble this with love and care.

We're going to store it beautifully. When I either get a full time office off site, or I build a barn or I build a different house, this will have its own beautiful room dedicated to you. So we had this beautiful conversation. Now, was he disappointed? Absolutely. When they come to the house and visit, which they just did, and they walk into the office, do I feel a pang? You better believe I do. It doesn't matter. That's all normal. I still need to make the decisions that I need to make and the difference. What's changed is how I relate to that fear. So instead of what I would do in the past is I would make a decision that doesn't serve me. I'd leave the pool table, and then I'd be all about it. I'd leave the pool table as a way to make my dad happy, but it makes me miserable to leave it there because I need the space, right? And then I'd be kind of annoyed, and then he'd come and I'd fake play pool because I kind of want to, you know. You know what I'm saying? Like, we do all this bull that's not real.

And what I've been able to do for myself in some instances, when I catch it, is to hit it head on and to be authentic and to still take care of people. And what I've also come to learn is that people can be disappointed in you and they still love you. You know, you're never going to get around this. Everybody in your family is going to be disappointed with you probably once a day, probably. And you have the ability to retrain how you respond to that trigger that rises up in you, where you start to fear that you're disappointing somebody. And the answer really is make the decision that's aligned with your values and the thing that supports you, and then take care of the person by being honest and straightforward about it, dealing with their disappointment head on, because that's really the adult thing to do. And that's what you do when you love somebody. The way we've all been handling it, myself included, is manipulation, lying, resentment, withholding. And that doesn't serve anybody. I'm going to share with you a story about how I figured it out, and then I'm going to give you some advice about how you can think about it.

And then I want to say a few other things about the fear of disappointing people, because this is, I believe, the single biggest factor for most people that robs them of success. That you use what other people might say or think or be disappointed by as an excuse to not fully be yourself, to not fully go after what you want. And so first, let me talk about triggers, because I believe that for most. Most of us, the habit, and I use the word habit because habit just means that it's a pattern. We have a pattern where we fear disappointing people, and then that triggers us to operate in certain ways. That that pattern began a very long time ago. And I think it's safe to say that for 99% of us, you can find where it began somewhere in your childhood. And it probably doesn't matter that you find the first, because you probably have 150 examples of being terrified that your dad was going to scream at you or terrified that your mom was going to get cold and get that tone of voice, or terrified that somebody was going to be upset with you.

Like, because the fear of disappointing people really has more to do about being in trouble with somebody, right? So for me, I know the moment because it was a really defining moment for me, but I didn't remember it until I was 27. What happened is I. I had a memory being in a group environment during a seminar. Somebody was sharing about being a sexual abuse survivor, and she was talking about her sister. And all of a sudden, I had this memory triggered where I remembered being in the fourth grade, and I remember being on a ski trip with my family and a couple other families. And I remembered waking up in the middle of the night with an older kid on top of me. Now, it wasn't a terrifying sexual abuse story. It was more confusing to remember it. He did what he did, and then he got off of me. And I remember my brother was sleeping in the bed next to me in the bunk bed. And I remember thinking in that moment, oh, my God, don't make a noise. I don't want this person to hurt Derek. So fast forward to the morning.

All the kids leave to ski. I'm kind of, like, underneath the covers. And I get out, I go downstairs, and as I go down the stairs, I hear my mom talking in the kitchen. And I think, I got to tell her. I got to tell her. I got to tell her. I got to tell her. So I'm in fourth grade. I round the corner, my mother's there with another mom, and there's the kid. And my mom goes, how'd you sleep? And I said, fine. And what's interesting is what a fourth grader's brain. I mean, my mom's not gonna be upset with me. She might have gotten upset, all right. If I had said, not me. There was this moment where I remember it now like that. And you don't have to come up with the moment, because I guarantee you, you've got a hundred of them where you have a bad report card or you broke something or mom or dad drank, and you heard them pull in, and you felt the anxiety coming in, and you went into a mode where you became quiet because you don't want to upset somebody. It was just this mode where I so knew in that moment that I needed a strategy to avoid a scene.

Does that make sense? Because that's what you're doing. When you are not disappointing people, you are avoiding making a scene or having them do one. Does that resonate a little bit? Okay, good. So you can go to the root cause, because what I discovered in that moment, in realizing, holy cow. At the age of nine, I made a decision not to tell the truth, that I would just make up what I thought would make the situation okay. And what's interesting is I can take that one decision and roll the clock forward until the age of literally, like, 27. Probably took me longer to about, like, 35, 40 even to stop lying. The fear of disappointment for me turned me into a liar, and I didn't even realize it because I was so worried about creating a scene or upsetting people or having people judge me, that I started lying as a strategy. I invented it as a fourth grader. It didn't work in my life. It made every relationship suck. It made me miserable, but that's what happened. So when you think about your pattern, being afraid of disappointing people, of managing, not making a scene, you don't need to find the exact trigger when it began.

If you find just one and you understand kind of how old were you and what did you feel and what were you trying to manage? And then for me, what I say to myself is, oh, well, I have a lot of empathy for myself now because I understand why I developed that strategy. And now that I saw that it was a strategy that worked, because lying really worked when I was little, not so much when I was an adult, when I understand it was a strategy, I can now say, oh, well, that's a strategy that worked then. Now that I'm in this chapter of my life, I'm going to pick a different strategy. Could it be that we are afraid of happiness? As weird as that might sound, if you are pessimistic, afraid, and you look out to the future and you feel gripped, could you be afraid of happiness? You know, I don't think people are afraid of happiness. I believe because I know that human beings learn and repeat patterns. And when you have something that's not working, you have a pattern that's broken. I don't think you're afraid of being happy. I think that if you are constantly pessimistic or afraid or negative, a couple things could be going on.

Number one, this is probably a pattern that you learned somewhere. Whether you learned it from your parents or your caregivers, or the people that you hang out with are negative, or you work in an environment that are negative, or you live with people or negative, that kind of outlook is contagious. You can catch negativity. And so it's probably become a pattern and you don't realize it. The second thing that this could be is it could be an issue of self worth. It's not that you are afraid of happiness. It's that you believe you don't deserve it because you have low self worth. Or the third thing is that sadness, pessimism, negativity could become your identity, that you get a lot of mileage out of being sad and negative. You get attention from it. You get safety from it. Because as weird as it sounds, we crave the things that are familiar more than anything else. It goes back to patterns if you're used to being sad, if you're used to being pessimistic, if you were raised in that kind of environment, it's familiar to you, and so you may not even know. What does it feel like to be happy and optimistic?

Well, here's the good news. All of the researchers on happiness have determined that when you're born, 40% of your happiness level is preset by genetics. That means 60% of your happiness is determined by the little things you do. And even if you were raised by pessimistic people, even if your identity has become kind of like the eeyore of the crowd, even if you're used to it, there are small things that you can do to bump up your level of happiness. And what I implore you to do is to take this seriously, because you can bump up your happiness level, you can become a more optimistic person. How do you do it? Well, there are some simple things that you can do. If you were to simply start exercising every day, that would go a long way. If you were to upgrade your friend group. And by up, I mean you up it to people that have an uplifting attitude. Hang out with more positive people, follow positive people online, and it'll start to rub off on you. Learn about optimism. Optimism is not looking at a shit sandwich and telling yourself it's going to be delicious.

Optimism is saying, well, I'm holding a shit sandwich. But I know based on what I do next and based on how I look at things, I can improve the sandwich that I'm holding tomorrow. It's about your belief that your thoughts matter and what you do matters, that you can have a positive impact on a negative situation. I mean, just look at the world around us. There are people taking action right now because the situation that we have in the United States is so negative and violent when it comes to racism and the discrimination against black men, women, and children. And people are taking action, and they believe this is optimism that you are seeing, that's at the heart of a social change movement, the belief that your thoughts and your actions matter and can create a better world in this instance. And I believe that to be true. And so optimism. Optimism is a skill you can learn. Happiness is something that you can impact. If you want to take on something simple, get up when the alarm rings, exercise first thing in the morning, surround yourself with positive people, and every single day, force yourself to take one small action toward a goal or a dream that you have.

And you will see your optimism and your happiness start to rise. But I think the biggest takeaway of all around pessimism is fear, is if you're used to feeling that way, it's a pattern, and it's a pattern that you need to break, because right on the other side of that broken pattern is a life that is a whole lot more fulfilling, positive, and happy. Now, I'm going to teach you a little trick. When you say, I'm excited, your brain tells your body you're safe. And so they studied this at Harvard medical school. If you. In a moment like this, go 54321 to interrupt the racing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Thoughts? And then you say, I'm so excited to be up here. I'm really excited. Even though I'm, like, shaking, I'm really excited because my colleagues believe in me. I'm really excited, and I'm really proud of myself. Something is gonna happen in your body, so I want you to repeat that with me, okay? Right. I'm really excited to be up here.

I'm really excited to be up here.

Let's do it a little louder. I'm really excited to be up here. I'm really proud of myself. Really proud of myself. I'm really excited that my colleagues love me so much. Much. I'm really excited that my colleagues love me so much. And I'm really excited. I'm pushing through my fears. I'm really excited. I'm pushing through my feet. Do you feel your body settling a little? Even just a little? No. No. Not at all. I don't believe you. I think that you think if you say, I actually feel a little bit better, Mel, that I'm going make you stay up here longer. Isn't that. See? I knew it. I knew it. How many of you feel for her? And you know, fear is holding you back, too. Fear lowers when you move. I want to hear you say, I'm excited I'm up here, because I know deep down in your heart, you are. I'm excited to be up here. Why are you proud of yourself for allowing yourself to come up here? Cause I'm awesome. Yes. Yes. Yes, you are. You are. Yes, you are. Come on. Get up her. Get out of your seat. Samit, I want you to take this in.

Take this in. You are awesome. What did you get out of this? Other than hating Mel Robbins, I'm gonna get my boss, okay? She deserves a promotion. I won a raise on Monday morning. That's ten. Huh? What did you get out of this?

It's not so bad to be seen.

Oh, man. That's deep. That's deep. It's a beautiful thing to allow yourself to be seen. And too many of us, because of whatever's happened to you, whatever you've survived, because it scares the hell out of you, we won't even allow ourselves to be seen. It makes me so sad. It really does. And so I hope that in your bones and your nerves and your cells, this is a line in the sand. A before and an after. And when you catch yourself opting out or hiding, that you remember this moment and you choose to be seen and to show up for yourself because you are freaking awesome. They see the women at that table that pointed at you and pointed at you. They see what you see. You are awesome. You got it? Good. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.