The four things, like the how, how do you not give a shit? And these are just four random things that I just tried to distill down because I want to give you a takeaway. This shows you a little behind the scenes. It allows me to show you more of my personality and have a fun way of having you meet Cameron, one of our producers, and Jesse, who runs video and production here for the podcast, and Christine, our COO and CFO who did not want to be on camera. I'm proud of just like, Fuck it, I don't give a shit. I'm just going to jump on, even though this is out of my comfort zone. And Amy, who's one of our senior team members and producers here. But I'm like, I got to figure out what's something you guys can grab onto. Okay, so the first one is, rule number one for how to stop giving a shit about things that don't matter. Rule number one, try giving a shit about everything and see how it feels. I'm dead serious about this. I know it sounds stupid, but why not worry about what shoes you're wearing?

Worry about what everybody's thinking. Worry about what your boss is doing. Worry about what's going to happen next week. And then stop and ask yourself, is that working for you? Does it really work for you to lie at bed at night and worry about what your friends are doing? Does it really work for you to scroll through social media and worry about the weight you've gained or worried about this? Does it really work for you to obsess about what outfit you're going to put on seven different times before you leave the house? Does it really work for you to worry about the fact that your makeup is drowning and you just need a... Drop the mask. That's the point of this. Because if worrying about everything and giving a shit about all this stupid stuff actually worked, you'd be happier. You'd feel more securedo it. You'd have more time because you would work. But it doesn't work. It is so liberating when you realize that, My God, I'm robbing my own energy and my own focus and my own confidence by worrying about shit that doesn't matter. Stop it. Stop it. And if you can't stop it, I would just goose it, man.

I would step on the accelerator and I would worry about every damn thing and then ask yourself, Is this really helping me? Because it doesn't help you to put your hand on a hot stove. That's why you don't do it every day. That's rule number one. Rule number two, this goes back to the stuff we talked about with CNN and zooming out and visualizing who actually is criticizing people online. I mean, come on now. Let's show some empathy. So rule number two for me that has helped me really stop obsessing about what other people are thinking or other people's reactions is I've come to believe that almost everybody you meet is at about the emotional maturity of somewhere between eight and 12. I think that's where most people get stuck. Most people's disappointment is an eight-year-old throwing a tantrum. Most people being mad at you is about as long as an 11-year-old is mad at you. And we conflate adults with adult maturity when it comes to their emotional reactions, and 99 % of the population does not have it. And so if you can imagine your boss as an eight-year-old, like I think about the guy that we were meeting with at Audible, great guy.

I freaking love him. I hope we do a ton of business together. But I think about him as a cool kid who's playing games and video games and super innovative and super smart. And it allows me to just relate to him on that human level instead of trying to do that gamesmanship and bad boss, I'm going to get the deal done. No, think about everybody as between the emotional maturity of eight to 12, and you worry a lot less about how they react. Now, rule number three is incredibly important, and I want to thank my team for helping me distill this down, because I think this is super, super, super important. Rule number three is when it comes to not giving a shit, there is a time and a place for it. Okay? And I'm going to take this even further. There is a time for really important standards and being rigid about following them. You need time and a time to amplify your self-expression. And I'm going to give you a tool in just a minute for how you can really use this. In fact, now I'm going to give you the tool now because I think it'll make more sense.

Think about a seesaw, that teeter totter thing. It's a balance. And so in certain environments, like maybe when you go home, home still feels like the same operating procedures as when you were eight years old. And so maybe you've been really putting more weight on the side of the way things have always been, and you've really not been giving a shit about your self-expression. The opportunity here is to see where in your life you have stopped being you. You have started giving a shit about things that don't align with your value that suffocate you, that make you feel like you can't be you. That is not a place that you should be. Those are not relationships you should be in. But you've got to think about this like a seesaw. Where in your life are things out of balance, and you're starting to give a shit and put weight into things that no longer align with you? And where can you bring things more into balance so that you can be yourself, you can be self-expressed, and you can do so without without offending people around you, without you violating corporate HR policies. So we were talking a lot about open, toed shoes.

And if I were walking into J. P. Morgan to close a massive eLearning, corporate training deal, I probably would not have worn my Valentino Espedrilles despite how much they cost. I probably would have worn something else, or at least I would have gotten a fucking manicure. Okay? Why? Because there is a time and a place to be cavalry. Your job is a place to pay attention to standards. Why? Because they're paying you to do something. A job? I hope it's fun. I hope you're part of a culture and you have a sense of belonging and you feel appreciated. But the bottom line is you're there because you're getting paid to do something, which means you should care more about the standards and the culture and the operating procedures than you might in your day to day life. Why? Because you are making an exchange for money. But I have one giant caveat when it comes to talking about standards in the workplace. And I want to take this opportunity to have a conversation with you about it because it is incredibly important. It is very real. It's very real in work. It's very real in life, in general.

And it impacts people's ability to be fully authentically their truest selves. See, there are a lot of standards, especially in the workplace, where discrimination and bias is very real, and it impacts people's ability to be themselves. And as a white woman, I have the privilege of never having to deal with that. I'll give you an example. So I have a bunch of black female friends who do not feel comfortable wearing their natural hair at work. And it's not just anecdotal. There is incredible research documenting this. So a recent study from Michigan State, for example, confirms that 80 % of black women feel that they need to switch their hairstyle in order to align with more conservative work standards. And a recent study from Duke has proven that black women with natural hairstyles like an afro or twists or braids are less likely to land a job interview than a white woman like me or a black woman with straightened hair. I mean, that just makes me want to cry. And here I am talking about open-toed shoes and black women have to worry about their hair and being who they are. That is so shitty.

And that's why I wanted to take an opportunity and why I think it's so important to call out this type of bias. And that's why I'm doing it right now. So I want to acknowledge that whether it's your gender identity or your religion or your race or your sexual orientation or a disability that you have, I want to acknowledge that how you manage this balance that I'm talking about between self-expression and being your authentic, full self and the very real bias and discrimination that exists in social and workplace norms, that is a deeply personal decision and balancing act that you got to make every single day. And it's easy for me to say, hey, hiding who you are is never okay, because it's true. I don't want you to ever hide who you are. But I just felt it was important that I acknowledge that it's easy to say, but it's not that easy to do. So let me layer that into this rule number three that we're talking about, which is there's a time and a place for self-expression. It is up to you to decide what you value most in any situation. When you think about that seesaw between standards and societal or workplace norms versus your self-expression and you being you.

But here's what I do know. I hope that you find the courage to choose your values and to choose being yourself as often as you can. And that brings me to the fourth rule, the fourth rule for how to learn how to give a shit about what matters and not care about what doesn't. The fourth rule is you go first. You go first. Every single human being that you encounter is trapped in some rule they think they should be following. Everybody. And the rule, if you want to start giving a shit about what really matters is you go first. You be the one that shows up with Astrogerils. You be the one that says, I'll pull on that spacesuit and climb into that thing. You be the one that brings the fun. And what I've found over and over and over again, and I think Christine, you'll be able to say, yes, it's true, is that by being willing to put the real me, especially the hideous me, the moments where I'm crying, the moments where my makeup is running, the moments where the dog has just barfed all over something. The moments where I've just left a gym class, where I've pulled a calf muscle, and I'm still panting, and my eyes are bloodshot, and my face is beat red.

And I literally look at myself in the selfie, and I say, how does Christopher Robbins wake up next to this every single morning with a smile on his face? Because you, woman, are ugly. And then I hit play. My willingness to do that, my willingness to go first, to drop the mask, the filter, to just put it out there, it's liberating for people. I mean, people come up to me more often when I look like shit. And I say, I'm happy to take a selfie. They're like, really? Like, shocked that I would want to actually take a selfie looking like that. And then somebody perfectly made it up. Let me fix my hair. I'm like, are you kidding? Look at me. I look like a Labradoodle that just ran a marathon. I mean, give me a break. Get the selfie up here. Let's go. I'm going to make a kissy face because my jaw is frozen and it makes it look like I'm taking a shit when I try to smile. But what do you see, Christine, in the you go first? In the you go first? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think it's something that really connects with people when they meet you of just feeling like they're running into a friend that they have seen from afar.

And I think there's something very special about that, and it's a true connection. And then something I would just add as somebody who's known you for a long time, 18 years at this point, of you have always been exactly the same person. And so it's weird that when we run into people and people are super excited to see you just because I've known you for so long, but that it's a sincere connection, for sure. And the other thing I would say is that I've never known you to make a negative comment about anyone else's appearance, how anyone else is dressed. I don't think that's something that you process or are connected to. And I think it's because you've read yourself of those constraints that I don't even know that it's something that you notice. And I think that's quite admirable. And I think that's also something to share of what It's like, once you stop caring about those things, you'll stop paying attention to them and other people, too. And it makes it better for everyone. That's a huge, profound point, because I've heard other people, Christine, make this point where they go, When other people judge you, it's about them, it's not about you.

But I think you just illustrated why. Because I don't ever critically judge what anybody else looks like or what they're wearing because you're right, I don't judge myself for what I'm wearing. I mean, I can laugh at myself. I have humanity and humor about it, but I'm not actually very critical of myself. I think if you can eradicate that in yourself, it's true. You don't actually criticize other people. It does begin with how you treat yourself. And this also then reinforces what I'm saying about empathy. All those people that you're trying to be friends with that are competitive, or they're the high end group or they're the fancy people, and you feel that criticism, they're deeply critical of themselves. And that's the circle that you're chasing. You got to get right with you. And it's an interesting topic how to not give a shit about stuff, because it sounds like a throwaway topic. But I think at the core of a great life, it's really one of the most important skills that you can actually learn, because what you're doing is you're really giving a shit about your values, and you're putting your attention and your mindset and your effort toward what you value, and you're spending less and less time and energy on things that you don't.

I love that famous Nipsy Hustle quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, then you don't have a circle, you have a cage. I'm going to add to that quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you can't be yourself, then you don't have a circle. You are in a cage. You got to be very careful about this, because here's what I've realized over and over and over again in my own life. It's that my own behavior and my insecurities are almost always what put me and keep me in that cage. And that brings me to a final story I want to share with you from last week. It's a story about our daughter, Kendel, and how insecurities can put you in a cage. If you follow me on social media, you're probably aware that our daughter graduated from USC last week, and she was given the honor of singing the national anthem at the 140th commencement ceremonies for the University of Southern California. So we were there. It was an unbelievable moment to watch our daughter sing the national anthem acappella in front of 20,000 fellow graduates and their families.

So we're talking at least 50,000 people there as she was singing. And one of the coolest things is as she was singing the national anthem and as the song starts to build, you hear the crowd getting louder and louder. And you can also hear her just coming into the fullest, most authentic version of who she is. Just take a listen to this moment. Oh, say, can you see? By the dawn's early light. What so proudly we held. Had the twilight's last cleaning, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. And the ramparts we watched were so gallantly, streaming. And the rockets, the red glare, the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flight was still there.

Oh, say, does.

That star-spangled banner yet away? Oh, the land andof the free and the home of the free. Oh. That moment will probably be one of those moments that flashes before my eyes on my deathbed, like a core memory. But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is this. Twenty-four hours after that moment, I asked her, so can. What was the most surprising thing that's happened since you sang the national anthem yesterday? And she said this. I didn't realize that 99 % of my friends have never heard me sing. I'm like, what? She said, yeah. She said, hearing me sing at graduation was the first time in four years of knowing me that they had ever heard my voice. Now, keep in mind, she is a popular music major. For four years, she has been performing in college. And just stop and consider that 99 % of her friends over the past four years have never heard her sing. Why? Because of her insecurities. See, she gave a shit about what people would think about her singing. And if you look at her social media, for the last four years, there was only one post on her Instagram account.

And that one post was of her singing. But that's it. Now this is her deepest passion. Her standing before people and singing and sharing herself, this is the truest form of herself expression. And yet she put herself in a cage because of her insecurities. That's so sad. And I know you're doing it, too, that in some area of your life, you are so concerned about what other people might think that you're not sharing your full self. That's what it means to put yourself in a cage. Now here's the good news. The door to that cage, it's wide open, and it always has been. I hope this episode has inspired you to open your wings and express yourself, your full self. Because when you drop those insecurities and you stop caring so much about it and you allow yourself to just be you, you, my friend, will set yourself free. Well, one of the things that I've noticed about you, Oakley, is that you're not on social media a lot. Based on the research, there's a lot of kids that came out of that two year weird period in our lives way worse in terms of mental health because they spent that time at home mainlining social media.

So even though they weren't in school, they were online doing that same comparison thing in isolation on their own. It is so freaking damaging when you mainline social media and you use it as a battering ram. And then you say to yourself, Well, I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I wish I looked like that. I think that's an important thing to point out, Oak, that you weren't sitting there doing that probably because you were on Xbox playing video games for 30 hours a day. But that's a big deal. And so there was a very poignant moment that you described to me that I keep thinking about. I would love for you to share this moment with everybody because you're so lucky that this happened when you were 17. It's poignant that self-hatred ends when you stop criticizing yourself. The comparison is something that we can all work on. But the self-criticism that we engage in relentlessly, every single one of us, that's the source of self-hatred. So describe this moment where you had this amazing breakthrough. You only go through life with yourself. You are the only person that you wake up with and you go to sleep with every single night and every single day.

And you are the only person that you need to please. You are not going to live your whole life with the ability to please everyone else because that's not going to make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't boost you. It won't make you feel better. That's a crazy simple way to explain how profound it is when you learn how to accept, be kind to, and eventually love yourself. And you said something to me when we were talking about this that I thought was really so simple, but also gut-wrenching in its truth, which is when you were removed from the situation of walking into school where you were worried people are going to pick on you, worried about whether you fit in, trying to get the attention off you, all of this energy pointed at managing this. And it's all energy that is based on the belief that there's something wrong with you. Yeah. That when that got removed and you were just quarantining with me and dad and your two older sisters, you had this epiphany where you're like, Well... There's nothing wrong with me.

Yeah. There's nothing wrong with me. Those five words, There's nothing wrong with me, that will change your entire life. I mean, just imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day and believe, There's nothing wrong with me because the fact is there is nothing wrong with you. I spent, God, Oak, 40-plus years of my life waking up every day believing there was something wrong with me. One of the first things that everybody has to do if they're going to have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-kindness, like let's not even go to self-love yet. Let's just start with self-acceptance. You must start to tell yourself, There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me. Like, acceptance just means accepting yourself exactly as you are and exactly as you aren't. There's nothing wrong with me. That right there, if you could just do that, would completely change your relationship with yourself. Because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram the way you talk to yourself. I just want to point out that that bar right there, there's nothing wrong with me.

If you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong, and now you start reminding yourself, There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, there are things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me. That is acceptance right there. And then you had this second epiphany, which is you thought, Well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself? What a radical idea. I mean, imagine how much your life changes. When you say to yourself, Why don't I just like myself? I mean, other people can have opinions, but why don't I just like myself exactly as I am? I mean, I'm a good person. I'm trying hard. What's stopping me from liking myself? I mean, it's a radical question. I mean, what's stopping you from liking yourself? Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the thing that you got to do. Like, oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds. I'd like myself if I didn't have manboobs. I'd like myself if I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling on my kitchen. I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes.

See, that's where we get it all wrong. I'm just talking about self-acceptance here. Because based on the research, you will never, ever feel motivated to change anything for the better if you're bashing yourself all the time. So number one, there's nothing wrong with you. Number two, liking yourself is not going to happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself exactly where you are, simply because it feels good to like yourself, and also because you deserve that and you need it. When you like yourself, when you accept yourself as you are, mistakes and all, boils, warts, whatever it is that you got, we all got something, we all have something. When you feel a little bit better about yourself, an interesting thing happens. Through the self-acceptance first, there's nothing wrong with me, and through a little bit of kindness, why don't I just like myself or at least treat myself like I like myself? What happens, and I notice this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. You start to feel a little bit more motivated.

The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions. But your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person and you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts to snowball from there. Imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment. That means that you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness. And that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense, there's a lot of research around this that when you accept yourself and you're kinder to yourself, that you start to take better care of yourself. Like when you look in the mirror and you're like, I hate my man, boobie. Do you feel motivated to do something? No, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you because the lack of motivation comes from yourself criticism. And then... And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first and then kindness toward self. That's exactly how everything changes. And I watched that happen with you, Oak. So, Amy, you and I have reinvented ourselves. Yes. And in the past 14 years, we have both gone from working for somebody else to figuring out how to launch our own business.

And I'm going to get to your story in a minute, but I want to put something into context for everybody. Guys, I first started making money online five years ago.

Five years ago. That was yesterday.

And I was 49 years old, Amy.

Okay, I love to hear this.

If this old dog can figure out how this Internet thing works and how to march toward my curiosity about it and how to learn this stuff, I mean, there are people, everybody out there who are way stupider than you, making way more money than you because they stopped and they paid attention to what we're about to tell you today. You can do this. And Amy is living proof. She has taught 50,000 students, more than 50,000 students, how to take even... You even start with people who are like, I have no idea what I want to do.

Absolutely no idea. Yes. That's crazy to me. And they figure it out and create incredible businesses. They blow their own minds.

Without any business experience. Absolutely. And why did you want to help people do this? And what do you want the person listening right now is they're driving to a job that they hate, or they're taking a walk in a neighborhood that they wish they didn't live in, or they are unemployed, they've been laid off, they're beating themselves up. What do you want to tell them they are going to get out of this conversation today?

I want them to know that there's an entirely new world waiting for them. They don't even know what's possible yet for their future. And it's not inside a cubicle or commuting to a nine to five job. There's a whole other world out there that you can take as your own. And the reason I know that is because that is my own story 14 years ago. So because it was a new world to me and I ran with it, now I help other people do the same.

Okay, so you've got a world-class expert here that has held the hands of 50,000 people and these 50,000 plus students that she has taught everybody, they are no more smarter than you. They are no more qualified than you. They simply were in the position that you're in right now where they bumped into this conversation and it had them experience a whole different possibility for their life. Yes. And that's my mission. My mission is to wake your ass up. My mission is to have you flush that stupid shit you're telling yourself that you're too young. Oh, I'm just crazy. I don't have anything to offer anybody. How can I make money online? Bullshit. You're actually tech native. Of course, you could do this if you change your mindset. Oh, but Mel, I'm not 49. I'm 60. How am I going to do this? You're going to do this by stopping that bullshit that's spewing out of your mouth and getting serious about listening to two women. She has made $85 million in the past 14 years teaching people how to do this. And you want to know why I'm saying that number? Because I'm damn proud of her.

I also think if you put your head down and you listen to what some expert like Amy is about to tell you, and you pick up her book and you read the blueprint, you can figure this out too. This is about teaching yourself something new. It's about telling yourself something different. And that's what we're going to do. And I want to tell you a quick story about how perspective-changing things can be, and then we're going to hear your story, Amy. So I remember when I was in law school, right? Yeah. I grew up in a teeny, tiny town in Michigan, and then I go to college in a teeny, tiny town in New Hampshire. Okay. And I was like your meat and potatoes gal. I was not the biggest experimental eater like I am now. And I remember one of my really good friends, shout out to Sidney, she was a super cool lady, and she grew up in Providence, Rhode Island, and she was multicultural family, super cool. And I remember she invited me to leave the campus, the law school campus, and go into Boston to this restaurant called Jay's. And her boyfriend, who was older, was going to take the two law school students with no money out.

And it was a Thai restaurant. And I had never been in a Thai restaurant before. And so we sit down, I had no idea what to order. And so they just order the pad Thai. When this thing arrived in front of my plate there - What did you.

Think when you saw that pad Thai that you'd never seen before?

I was like, What the hell is the the egg? And chicken and shrimp and these these And it's like, tasty, tacky, weird texture and peanuts and beansprouts. So I just shoveled a fork in and I just took a bite. It was like like a unicorn in my mouth. It was the most delicious thing I had ever. And I had this thought, There is an entire world I have been missing out on because I just didn't know. I just didn't know. Yes. And that is what this conversation is about. It's like a pad tie for your career. There is a whole world that you have not considered as seriously as I want you to because you just didn't know. Know. Didn't know you could make money online. Amy is the person that knows how to tap into that confidence that is inside you to make a pivot. And I know that reinvention is a hot topic. Our project on Audible, reinvent your life with Mel Robbins is number one on Audible. Everybody is feeling this need to change something about their lives. And when you take your career and your ability to make money into an entirely different level, it's extraordinary how that impacts your life.

Amy has been able to not only teach herself how to do that, but to teach so many other people how to do that, how to find financial freedom, how to get control of your time, how to create a life where you get to work when and where and with whomever you want to work. Work. And not tune this out. This is possible for you. I don't care what your life looks like right now. This is possible for you. You. And why I wanted Amy to sit here and give you a zero zero masterclass in thinking differently and taking control of your freaking life starting today. So, Amy, what was your pad time moment in your career?

My pad time moment was 14 years ago. I was working for peak performance coach, Tony Robbins, and I had an amazing job. I was the director of content, traveling the world, working on the content that he did on stage. However, I didn't realize in that moment that I had never been free. And here's what happened. Tony brought in a bunch of business owners to the San Diego office. They happened to be all men, and they were making money online. And so we brought brought him this office. It was this big oak table, and I was called in to take notes.

Okay. So first of all, were you annoyed by that?

Well, it was common for the content department to take notes. But yeah, there's a little bit of me like, I want to be in the action. I want to be doing the things. But yeah, I was on the side table. Oh, so.

You were not even at the big table with the the boys? You were on the side taking the notes.

I was on the side. Okay. So here I came in to to this meeting, thank God I did, because here's what happened. I started to take notes and these guys started to talk about their businesses, what they do, what life looks like, what their lifestyle is, what their family life looks like. They were really talking about their whole experience as business owners. And all of a sudden, I I Wait a second, they're working when they want, where they want, how they want. They're creating these amazing products. They're being as creative as they want to be. They're on their own time and on their own dime. And And realized I have never been free. I have never been my own boss. I will always hit a glass ceiling. I will always have to ask for a raise, always have to ask if I could take a vacation. I was not the boss of my own life or my business. And in that moment, a light bulb went off and I thought, I want it. I have no idea what they're doing. I don't know how to do any of it, but I want it. And so that was the moment for me.

But the next thing that happened was this flood of doubt. And I looked to my friend who was in the meeting with me and I said, I have no skill where I could be my own boss. I know nothing that I could be my own boss.

I want to stop right there because I think this moment where you're sitting in a a and you experience something, this wake-up call happens in your body. And I've had a moment like that. It's way bigger than a pad time moment. I was sitting in an an audience, I was at an Oprah Winfrey, one of these live-your-best-life tours. This would have been a decade ago, decades ago, actually, probably two decades ago at this point. I was there because I was networking to try to get clients for my life coaching business. I had just started this on the side. I was working working doing business development for a advertising agency in the big tech bubble that happened in the early 2000 time frame. And on the side, I was trying to build a business as a life life coach. Of doubt. So I go to this Oprah Winfrey concert. It was actually a a meet-there's like event that she held, a one-day summit to live your best life. And so I'm sitting in the big audience and Oprah's on stage. And then she introduces this woman that that I never heard of. Her name was Martha Beck.

And Martha Beck walks walks out, I don't even remember what the hell she said. I had never heard of her. I had no clue what she did. But she started talking and there was something inside of me that was like, I want that. It was the same thing you're talking about, which is this taste of... I've never thought about the word free. Because there I I I was actually, I'd lied to my employer. I had taken the the day, I had told them I was somewhere else and I had gone to this thing for myself. And so here I am, completely out of integrity, getting paid by somebody else to sit in a place where I'm prospecting for my side hustle that hasn't even launched yet. I realize when she walks on the stage, Holy shit, that's what I want. I didn't even know what that meant. I just knew that I wanted the freedom that she seemed to have. She was writing books. She was clearly writing for Oprah. She had written her first book. She was was talking about that first book on a stage. I didn't know what I would write about.

I didn't know what I would speak about. I was scared to think about being on that stage. That is the moment. I want to hit pause and I want to talk to the person, you, right now listening to to I want to talk to you because I need you to start to pay attention to those moments. You don't have to have the answers to change your life. You have to have that moment where you go, I want something more for myself. And what I wanted is I wanted to be able to go to an event without lying to my boss. I could have just not lied. But you know what I I I wanted to be able to go to an event because I was going to go to an event. I wanted to be able to work when I wanted to work. But I did not know how the hell do you go from that moment to knowing what the hell the right next step is because you're right. What happens next is, well, you're dumb. You got nothing to offer. You're this, you're that. How did you go from, okay, there's all these dudes sitting around the table.

I'm basically the secretary, no offense to secretaries, in the corner. And I am sitting here being exposed to something that I'm not part of this club.

Yes. So the first thing, all those doubts came rushing in. And then I learned something a long time ago that if you're watching someone do something and you feel a little bit jealous, like look what they have, or angst, or anger around it, which I had, I wanted what they had, even though I didn't totally get it. Whenever you have a feeling of jealousy or angst or you want it, ask yourself, What do they have that you want? Get really clear. What is it about their life that you think is so attractive or you'd like to go through through Because I had to get clear about what I wanted. And in that moment, I I thought get to be their own boss. That's what they have that I have never had. So I think clarity in terms of what you want is the first big step. You talk about that a lot. Lot. What you want? And so once I got clear on, I don't want a job anymore. I want to call the shots, then I had to start thinking, thinking, would I do? Because I had no clue. So for the next few months, I went through this process that now I teach called the sweet spot, which is figuring out what might you want to do.

Wow. Okay. I am so excited to go through this with you. I cannot wait to send this to approximately 100 100 because I feel feel I have those epiphanies probably once a week.

Yes.

Even if you look at me or you look at Amy and you're like, They got it all figured out. I still have these these wake calls all the time. We just had one yesterday where we were talking about, Wouldn't it be nice to be able to support other female entrepreneurs with investment money? Maybe we should step into starting an investment fund. We both looked at each other and we're like, Well, I don't know how to do that. I don't either. But we feel interested. That's the moment we're talking talking I want to give the audience a real range of scenarios where you could have this wake-up call. Because I feel like for those of you that are in your 20s and 30s that listen to this podcast, podcast, probably part of the demographic that looks at everybody that is an an or a YouTuber, or they are travel bloggers, or they are now starting their line of supplements, or they are doing doing exercise and you're now streaming streaming exercise from somebody who's largely your age. And you have this thing where you're like, like, I'd really like to do that. What Amy and I are here to tell you is that is the power moment.

That is the eye-opening moment. That's it. That awakening is the only thing you need in order to pivot your life in a new direction. Because we are lucky enough, and and is going to talk about this, to live in a world where if you want to create an online exercise studio, if you want to take your catering business or your grandmother's tomato sauce that everybody everybody and start selling it, you can figure out how to do it. But you have to honor the wake-up call.

You.

Have to honor this thing inside you. Because Amy is right. How many times have you seen somebody you're jealous of or you've had this moment of inspiration and you've been like, Nope, not going to happen for me. I want you to know that that's takeaway number one. That takeaway number one is that that wake call is going to change your life if you're willing to look for it and if you're willing to hit the pause button when it happens. Now, for those of of you, like, Yeah, okay, so I don't want what what my currently looks like. That's enough.

Yes.

So talk to me about this thing that you walk people through.

Yes. So it's called the Sweet Spot Formula. Okay. And I developed it because it's essentially what I did to leave my last nine to five job and start this business. And it has four quadrants. We'll walk them through the four four quadrants, This first quadrant in the the sweet is, What are you good at? What do people always say? How do you do that? That comes so easy to you because what comes easy to you does not come easy to everybody else. Where have you gotten results? Where have you gotten results in your personal life or your business life? So maybe you're an accountant and you do really good in your job. So you have all these skills that could absolutely translate into your own business. But maybe you don't want to be an accountant. But at home, you're really good at getting your picky eater, your toddler to eat everything. And other moms are like, How do you get your kids to eat all these vegetables? What are you doing? And you have all these little secret things you you That could be a business. So start looking around. But here's the beauty. You only need a 10 % edge.

When people start to think about, what might I do in a business? Oh, I need more education. I need certification. I need more time. You don't need any of that. You already have a business in in 10 % edge. You need to be 10 % ahead of those that you want to help and serve. Serve.

It's funny. I just talked to my husband about this. So Chris is the founder of this Men's Retreat, SoulDegree, and he's starting this online huddle, a nine-month nine-month long And he's like, I don't think I'm ready. I don't have it all figured out. I said, Dude, you need to be one training ahead of everybody else. Exactly. That's all that you need to be. And I think that that's one of those things that gets us in the way. Now, I want to go to a question from a listener named Anna. Hi, Mel. My name is Anna. I just saw your stories and thought I'd send over.

A question that.

I've been having.

My question is more about...

Well, I consider myself a very independent independent and definitely.

Very disciplined in what I do.

But that leads me to live a life that is very.

Different from.

Most of the people.

I surround myself with.

I guess. Guess.

So question.

Is more of how to really hone in on that.

Discipline and keep living the life that you know you should be living, even when others.

Don't understand it or just.

Don't.

Get why you're.

Doing it. Thanks.

Anna, I love this question because you are making a mistake that every single one of us makes when we start to live a life that is truly aligned with what we want to be doing. Everybody that you're surrounded with right now has been on the road with you up until this point, but they have no idea what your day to day life is like moving moving forward they're not living the same life. Life. And what I want you to understand. When this happens and you start to make very deliberate changes, whether it's in your health or maybe you've launched a a or you are just tired of a a social climbing circle of friends, and now you're seeking deeper meaning in your life, you don't have to ditch those people. They can continue to be in your life, and they will be part of the rest of your life. But they're never going to understand what you're going through because they don't live the the day to life that you're living. And a major mistake that I see people making is as we're making major changes, we turn to our existing friends and our family for counsel, and they have absolutely no idea what we're going through.

So, for example, there are very few people on the planet who actually understand what I do for a living. I can count them on one hand. When it comes to speaking on corporate stages, hosting a podcast, creating content for people like Starbucks and LinkedIn and Audible, to being an entrepreneur, to having the social media media to having a marriage and a family, very few people that understand the pressure I'm under, the impact that I'm making, the goals, the hopes, the dreams, the frustrations. My husband doesn't understand it. He's not in that world. My kids don't understand it. My friends don't understand it. If I want somebody to truly understand what my life looks like, I got to pick up the phone and call Jay Jay or Jenna Kutcher or Trent Shelton, somebody who is doing what I'm doing. And it goes for everything. I'm in the middle of menopause. I talked on the last couple of episodes ago about this bread basket that I'm feeling on my waist and hormone stuff. I'm not going to go go to a fitness freak in my family and ask them for advice about my my stomach. Don't understand what I'm going through.

And so I'm making this point because when it comes to people pleasing and when it comes to putting yourself first, the way that you continue to create discipline is twofold. You have to get super intentional about seeking out more people in your life either through mastermind groups or following people on social media or attending online classes or going to different events. You've got to find people who are up to what you're up to because they'll understand, they'll support you. And you have to stop seeking validation from the people that are already around you because that's not why you're doing this thing. And here's one more thing I want to tell you. Why do you care what they think? You You already said independent. You already said you're putting yourself first. Why on Earth would you seek validation or advice from somebody whose lives you wouldn't trade lives with? Just stop asking people who are miserable or unqualified to validate your happiness, your life, your choices. You got to validate yourself by making decisions that work for you. Stop looking for validation from other people, particularly other people who don't even understand themselves or what you're doing, because if they can't understand themselves, they don't understand what you're even trying to to do, no way in hell they're ever going to understand or endorse what you're doing.

Instead, start looking to people who have made the changes that you want to make, who have the values that you want to make. Not only do they understand what it takes to make this change, but they also have the confidence in the track record and the experience to cheer you on. Well, we've covered a lot of ground, and I think you're starting to realize, wow, this people pleasing thing isn't really about saying no, it's about self-awareness. It's about my ability to catch those moments where those uncomfortable feelings rise up and to tolerate them. It's about my ability to know that there are going to be times in my life where I'm going to be making decisions that people that I deeply love are going to be disappointed by, and I can make space for both. There are going to be times in my life where I'm pursuing a change in my lifestyle that nobody around me understands, nobody else is pursuing. And I got to stop this default of seeking validation and advice from the people who don't understand what I'm doing. And when you learn how to do that and start making decisions that really empower you in the long run, your life is going to change.

It's going to be more meaningful. It's going to be richer, deeper. You're going to feel more agency and control in your life. And I know what you're thinking right now. I know here's what you're thinking. Mel, dear God, do I want this? But if I'm the person that has never, ever, ever put myself first, how the heck do I even know when to do it? And let me tell you something. First, you have to go back to the beginning and become self-aware, and you have to get deliberate about defining the person you are becoming. Let's hear this final question from a listener to this podcast named Nella. Hi, Mel. I am a big fan from Ireland. My name is Nella. I'm a singer-songwriter. Something that I definitely struggle with is with masking and being afraid to show up as my true, authentic self to all people at all times. Yeah, just any advice would be amazing on how to just get better at doing that and have the confidence to just be my authentic, true self all the time. That would be great. Thank you. Nella, thank you first and foremost foremost for honesty. But I'm going to say something a little provocative.

You kept saying the words true, authentic self, authentic self, authentic self. And I want you to stop and ask yourself, do you even know who you are? Do you know what it means when you say, I am my true, authentic self? And the reason why I'm asking you this question is because I don't think most people do. Do. Think we want to be our authentic selves. Of course. But what does that even mean? Listening to your question, it reminds me when I was writing The High Five Habit. There was a woman who wrote to me from Ireland, and I ended up getting on the phone and then on a Zoom call. And I spent a lot of time talking to her. And she is in the book. And I want to bring this up because I want to make a point about the pressure that we feel to conform. So in this example of the woman from Ireland, she was writing about the fact that she wanted to get divorced. That is her true, authentic self. Yet she had been delaying doing this for seven years because of the pressure of the Catholic Church, because of the disappointment of her mother, because of what the priests might might because of what the whole fricking country of Ireland might think.

And so I'm highlighting this because for some of us, people pleasing is even deeper than this discomfort. It's the social norm. You wouldn't be caught dead in some cultures or in some religions or in some households veering from the norm. The pressure is so so intense. Just the air that you breathe. And for many people, that is the case. And so if that's you, you might not even know what the authentic you is because you have been told for so long by your country, by your religion, by your family, by the community you live in, by whatever who you're supposed to be. And I'm going to give you a really important exercise. I want you to just imagine that you are a a screenwriter. You are about to write a movie about the real you. Write a character description and describe a day in the life of the real you. Remove the country country you in, remove the religion you grew up with or you didn't, remove the stories that you've been telling yourself or the pressure you feel or the disappointment or what other people think you should or shouldn't do, and write the story, a day in the life of who you are at your core.

When you would wake up, where you would live, where you would go, what work you do, what friends that you have, what are your your habits? Do you love love doing? Are you laughing with? With. This is such an important exercise because, again, remember I told you that people pleasing, it's a balance. And it begins with you truly knowing yourself. And if you don't really know who you are because you've always been told who to be and you've spent your life feeling like you do nothing but conforming, this is a really important step for you to take. Because people pleasing at its core is you believing the person that you are deep inside that it's not good enough, you're not good enough. Based on what we've talked about, you can start to change that. But you really have to go through the steps of getting curious about who you are for real. And if the idea of you having a conversation like I did with my dad, or you telling somebody that you're not coming over for dinner because you're tired and that's the truth, or saying that, No, you can't borrow my pickup truck truck I don't lend it out out anymore, that makes you really uncomfortable, here's a tool that you can use to start to experiment with that moment of discomfort.

And the tool is called Switch, and this comes from research. You don't have to say yes. You're going to go from saying, saying, I'll let you borrow my car, or, Sure, we'll come to things. Or, Sure, I'll do that, that, or yes, yes, yes. Instead of saying no, switch to a pause. I'll think about it. Let me check my calendar. I'll get back to you on that. When you switch your yes to a pause and you buy yourself some time, you're going to feel a little less pressure. For example, when you say, say, me get back to you. Twenty minutes later, you can email back and say, Thank you so much for the invitation. I'm booked. Or send no over text if it's too hard to say it in in person, say no over the phone if you don't want to say it to their face. But switching from feeling the pressure to say yes to putting yourself in a pause, that's what I want you to practice. Because if you can say, I'll get back to you. Let me think about it. You got time to settle those uncomfortable feelings, because remember, it's not about the other person.

It's about you not being able to tolerate that discomfort that rises up. And then you immediately make the discomfort going away by going, okay, fine, I'll do it. No. Switch into pause. Switch into pause, because in that pause, you're going to find some peace. In that that is where you're going to find that balance. And I'm going to give you one more quick little example about how this works. So last week, I was in Las Vegas, and we were on day 15 of a 16 day business trip. And we landed late and we did a tech check because I was delivering a speech in the morning. And we were about to head up to the hotel. It was eight o'clock at night. And I turned to my my and I'm like, like, should probably get something to eat because we haven't eaten since lunch. I know it's late, and we're going to get up early. And then I'm going to have to to race and the the and we're not not any food in our stomach. So we went straight to the steakhouse that was in the casino. We walk in there wearing sweats off an airplane.

It is 8:30 at night. This place has a freaking DJ in the the barwhere are thumping and bumping and glitters and sparkles everywhere. They see this right away in the bar at a high top. The three of us order immediately because we are going to shovel down that food. I got the filet mignon and some mashed potatoes, and we got mocktails. Right above our head was this speaker that was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, like we were... I mean, it was like zero to a thousand inside this place. I was not ready for this. I just wanted to get some protein in my stomach and get to bed because I had a speech to give, and I was exhausted. So we're eating and we're bopping and talking. Right when the steak comes, I hand her my credit card signaling, bring me the check right away. I'm part of the Clean and Play Club. I am done. I have finished in probably 11 seconds flat. Melinda, who is at the table with us, she is done, too. I look over at Amy. She is eating in slow motion. She is enjoying every bite. I think she is engaged in a mindfulness meditation with this steak and salad at this point.

And as I assess what is left on her plate, I think this is going to fucking take her 20 minutes to eat. It is 9:30 at night. I I am This is the moment I'm talking talking everybody. This is the the because the wave of discomfort comes up in my body. I want to leave. I want to go to bed. And I don't want to be a douche. I mean, here, one of my closest friends is sitting here enjoying a salad. We've been on the road together. I'm like a ride-or-die person. What a jerk leaves their female friend alone at a high top in a bar with a salad that has 85 % to to go terms of completion just because they're tired. I do. That's a joke. It's a balancing act. I said to myself, Well, what's really going to serve me? And what's really going to serve me, because my number one job is to kill it in that speech tomorrow, is to ask Amy if it would be okay for me to go upstairs and just go to bed. And I felt that that because the old Mel would have been like, I would have just sat there because it would be rude to leave somebody.

And oftentimes, we don't even ask. We don't even ask. And Amy is sitting right over there. So, Amy, I want you to get on the mic because I wrote the balancing act. I used the tools, and I turned to her because a lot of this is also about the context, and it's about how you say it. It's not what you're saying, it's how you say it. And so you don't don't like, I'm I'm leaving. Of here, bitches. That's not what I said. I just said, Amy, would would it okay if I head upstairs and go to sleep? I'm exhausted. And, Amy, what was your experience at this moment? As I'm clean plating it and you've got probably 20 minutes left? Yeah. I mean, you're a fast eater, so that was number one. And I felt like when you asked me and you said, You mind if I go upstairs? I felt like, Thank God, because I.

Would not want her to.

Sit and watch me and my my eating habits, super slow and just savoring every bite. I wouldn't want that to be the case. I want you to do you. And I want me to enjoy my salad and my steak. So when you noticed that my plate was clean and so is Melinda's, and you still had 20 minutes to go, what were you feeling? Well, I'm often in this situation. I felt felt I know what's going to happen next. They're going to want to leave. And I'm happy to do that. I felt really happy for you to get what you needed, and I I to get what what I I wanted you to hear that, and this is why. You often don't even ask. And Amy was relieved that I asked because you know what? She doesn't want to sit there and feel pressure. She wanted to enjoy her salad, and that's exactly what she did. Melinda and I went upstairs. She sat there for another 25 minutes bopping and weaving alone, having the best salad of her life without her annoying friends sitting there staring at her like she was some zoo animal. So we all won.

Bottom Bottom line, people pleasing. Not about the other people, it's about you. So notice when it comes up, notice that discomfort. Find the strength to say, No, I'm not going to sit here with this discomfort and do something that doesn't serve me. When you have the ability to recognize this and you have the ability to say, No, I'm not going to just fall into into line, means that you're in charge of your life. No strengthens your your self-discipline, keeps your goals and your happiness front and and center, can make you you so that you change patterns and habits that don't serve you. Because when you don't say no, you're saying yes to something else. It is powerful. When you say no, I am not going to do that. I'm going to ride this uncomfortable wave, and I'm going to do what works for me, and I'm going to know at the end that you can be disappointed and you're still going to love me. But I'm going to love myself a little bit bit because every time you say yes to you, you are proving to yourself that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have support.

You deserve to go to bed in Vegas because it's late and you deserve to have that room back because you need need it. You deserve to do things that really work for you. So starting today, start saying no, start tolerating the discomfort. Switch your yes to a pause and put yourself back in charge. Your happiness, your life, it starts with with you, Always, always, always, always. I know you can do it. I want you to do it. It. And don't have to prove anything to me. You got to prove it to yourself. So today, when those uncomfortable emotions rise up and that balancing balancing it is is here, it. We're going to start that process with a question from a listener named Crystal. Hey, Mel, it's Crystal, and I have a big question. How to know if you're being used? I have two adult siblings that have always lived with me. One has been unemployed for more than three years. Last week, my working sibling was placed on PIP. I've always been the big breadwinner, and they and my mom all lived in my home. My mom passed away four years ago. It's becoming increasingly difficult to motivate them and/or get them to understand the weight of responsibility is on me.

I'm beginning to think they don't care and are enjoying the stress-free lifestyle they've become accustomed to, or they don't understand because they've never had this type of responsibility. I'm growing tired of carrying all the obligation, accountability, and responsibility. When are they going to grow up and be equal contributors or move out? Thanks for any advice. This is really eating up bandwidth in my head. I will add we had a horrendous childhood and largely why we all stayed together. There is safety in numbers, and we had to have a united front against a very abusive father and ex-husband. He abused us all well into adulthood. Thanks for for insight. Thanks for all you do. Crystal, thank you for that question, and thank you for the detail that you provided in the end. I think that's really relevant to how you handle this and how you think about the situation that you're in. I've got five takeaways that I'm going to share with you. The first one is this. There is a big difference between being used by somebody and being in a situation where somebody is used to the situation. Does that make sense? I'm going to unpack this a bit because I think it's really, really important.

When you're being used, that's a situation where somebody is intentionally using you or taking advantage of a situation to their benefit. They know they're doing it. For example, if you're in a job and you've basically phoned it in and you're only staying there because you want the money, but you're not actually doing what's expected of you, you are using your employer. When you sneak stuff from your roommate's side of the refrigerator, you're using them. When you intentionally do something like invite yourself to somebody's house, even though you don't like them, but they they have great pool and it's a nice weekend, but you are not that great of a guest or you gossip about them, you're using them. That situation is very different than what I think you're in, Crystal, which is you're in a situation where the people around you are used to the situation. They've grown accustomed to it. They are comfortable in it. And what's happened is you're now not comfortable with the situation, but they're just used to it. And so I think it's important for you, Crystal, to anchor there. And as you are listening to me unpack all of these takeaways, I want you to apply this to your your Are you in a situation where you're being used because somebody's leading you on, but deep down they just want want And yet they're telling you that this is more, but they just want sex.

That's a situation where you're being used. Or are you in a situation like like where the situation has been like this for a while and everybody's used to it, but you're just sick of it. So you now want to change it. And the details, Crystal, in your particular situation matter because you guys are used to living together. You guys are used to being under the same roof. You said that you've been doing this for a long time. Your mom used to live with you, and that there's safety in numbers. And so It's I believe what's happened is that you are just tired of the situation the way that it is. And that means that you are going to be the one that changes it. Because if everybody else is used to it and they're comfortable in it, they have no motivation or no interest in changing it. Why would they? It's working for them. It's just not working for you. And that's okay. So the second takeaway, you ask the question, When are my siblings going to grow up? When are they going to to realize frustrated? When are they going to... Never. They are never going to grow up.

Why? Because they're comfortable. They're used to this. They're used to you being in charge. You've always been in charge. You've always been the breadwinner. You said as much. And so they're not going to grow up. And that's okay, everybody. That's okay. That means that you are going to have to be the grown grown and you're going to have to parent. And I'm going to get to that. I'm going to tell you exactly what to do when you're in a situation where you're trying to make the people around you level up and help you change the situation. I also want to say, for your sake, Crystal, and for anybody anybody that it sounds like you guys are all so struggling with trauma and PTSD. And so I know that that's also why you haven't shaken things up. If all three of you experienced horrific abuse, which you just said that you did, then then you have the added issue of people maybe not having healed from that trauma and maybe not being as proactive or as motivated or as self-sufficient as they could be. There was another detail detail what Crystal said. She said PPI. What does that mean, everybody?

It means a performance improvement plan. What that basically means is you're fucking up at work and your bosses have sat you down and they have said your work is not satisfactory and we are going to put you on a PIP, a performance improvement plan, which is very embarrassing. It's very confronting. I'm not making excuses for the sibling. I'm just trying to explain the psychology here of why they're not growing up and why they've gotten very comfortable with very low self-motivating standards. And you're now in this framework at work where you're being measured. And if you don't measure up, your ass is fired. A performance improvement plan can be a really good thing because it means that they are providing a pathway for you to be able to Excel, which means they believe that you can. But But when people are set up with a PIP, they feel so ashamed and embarrassed that they just quietly quit. They feel like the writing is on the wall. They feel unmotivated and self-conscious. 90 % of people, when they get put on on a improvement plan, leave the job. Whoa. It makes sense because you feel like you've been called out and you're embarrassed.

And so it's really important how you set up a performance improvement plan, because if it's literally like you suck and you're going to get fired unless you do these things, who wants to say at that job? But if you set it up using what is called the 19-word magic sentence, this is something that's been studied at Yale and Stanford. When you say to somebody, I have high expectations of this team, and I think you are capable of achieving them, which is why I'm going to put you on a performance improvement plan so that you know what's what's expected believe you can achieve this. This is is path forward for success for you. That is a way that makes you want to play the game. And so, Crystal, ironically, we're going to put your family, your siblings, on a performance improvement plan, and we're going to up the right way. Because since it's your family, you can talk about your your and you can talk about your need to feel support. And you can talk about these simple things that they can do that would make a huge difference in this living arrangement and in their lives and in your lives.

So it can be like a really positive thing that you're going to do. So take away so far, you're either being used because it's conscious and intentional, or you're just in a situation where people people are to what's going on and they're not motivated to change it like you are. When will other people grow up and realize this? Never. You got to be the adult in this situation if you want to change it because it's your life, it's your happiness. By the way, it's also your house, and it's your responsibility to lead the change that you want to see, always. Another takeaway that I want you to have have when you're around people that are not motivated to change their their lives, probably dealing with what psychologists call learned helplessness. Now, learned helplessness was first coined in 1965 by a very famous psychologist after doing these really awful experiments with dogs. I'm not even going to explain the experiments. But But what learned helplessness is it's when you receive a series of setbacks or you are experiencing a lot of pain and you basically give up. You decide that there's nothing that you can do.

It is what it is. And you just survive and try to cope through the pain and the situation. And it's the difference between being a person who is pessimistic that you feel like nothing's ever going to change. You're never going to be good enough. Why even bother? Boss never likes my work, or I never do well at work, or my sister already takes care of things, and I'm never going to amount up to to versus having an optimistic point of view. And optimism, realistic optimism is just the belief that through your own actions and through your own attitude, you can make a positive dent in any situation. That your effort is always worth it. That trying is always worth it. That growth is available to you. And so I say this this because you're surrounded by people that have this sense that nothing they do matters, it just creates complacency and fear. And there's one thing that makes a difference when you're in this situation. And Crystal, I think that's the situation that you're in. You guys have passed trauma. The situation has always been that you always take care of everything. Now you've got one of your siblings who's on a performance plan, so they're feeling kicked down to the ground.

I would imagine there is this sense of pessimism. There is this sense of, I'm just used to life not being easy. That's where you can come in. This is the fourth takeaway. You're ready? They need goals. They need goals set by you, goals for how they are supposed to show up. You see, they don't know the path forward. They don't know how it's supposed to look. You do because you want the situation to be different. And so it's it's on to set what are called SMART goals. For those of you who have not heard about SMART goals, we will link to the article that was written in 1981, where three researchers came up with the idea of SMART goals in the context of leadership and business. But SMART goals is a very simple and effective way to think about setting goals for yourself or other people. Smart stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, realistic, and And so here's how this is going to work with your siblings. I want you to think about how the situation could be different. Put on an optimistic hat. And now we're going to paint a picture of what it would look like in the day to day living situation so that you feel feel Because it's not just about the money.

Are they doing anything around the house? Are they cooking? Are they caring for the yard? When it snows, do they shovel? Are they taking the trash out on Mondays? Are they making their beds in the morning? What is it that would make you feel as though the dynamic has shifted, that everybody's leveled up in their own achievable way, and those actions make you feel a shift? Okay, and so let's go back to SMART, specific. What are specific goals you could set? And those goals might look like you need to make your bed every morning. Those goals might look like, I'm going to make a grocery list, and every Tuesday, so-and-so is going to go to the grocery store. I'm going to create a schedule for who's cooking and who's doing dishes. And since you guys aren't contributing financially, that's what you're going to do. I know I'm being very annoyingly detailed here, and maybe in a really condescending condescending I don't mean to be. I'm trying to say say because people don't know what you want, which is what you should assume, and you're the one who wants the situation to be different, you have to get crystal crystal black and and granular, meaning specific.

I got to be able to measure it. It's got to be broken down so that your siblings can achieve it. It's got to be realistic, and it's got to be timely, meaning do it on a Tuesday, do it on a a Wednesday. Weekend, I expect this. Because that is how you lay a path forward for somebody who is in a hole to be successful. So the final piece, the fifth takeaway, is this. When you see your siblings doing those actions, when you see them checking the boxes, when you see them making their bed, when you see them spending an hour every day looking looking for job, or you see them checking in with you for 10 minutes every night about how work went went today, you see those actions happening, you got to cheer for them. Because what you're trying to do is you're trying to create an environment where somebody knows that you believe in them. They know what your expectations are. They know the defined achievable steps that they can take in order to make you happy. And then when they do those things, you got to cheer for them. You got to say thank you.

You got to to I appreciate you. And why this is so important is because you're not dealing with a situation, Crystal, where you're getting used. You're in a situation where you're trying to level up your siblings, and you're trying to do it when there's issues like generational generational and and and patterns in place and a dynamic between all of you, which means you got to get super intentional about what the new game looks like. You got to define it. And then like an awesome coach always does, you got to cheer for your players as they are in that game. That's how you do this. And I know you can do it because I can just tell based on your voice that you are somebody who is a very, matter of fact, professional, successful, awesome person, which is why this is frustrating, because we all think that everybody thinks like us. We all think that all those things that you think are obvious. Why do you put your stuff on the floor? Why don't you just let the dog out? Why do you leave the dead flowers in the face on the kid? Don't you just...

We think it's obvious. It's not obvious to everybody, but you can make it it and you can make it a game worth playing. And don't forget, you get to talk about your feelings. Guys, I love you, but I feel frustrated, and I'm starting to feel a a little used, I'm starting to feel very sad because I see you guys just coasting in life. And I believe that there's something more for you. And so here's my request. If you're going to continue to live with me, and I want you to, I need you to show up differently. And here is what I need from you. And I know you can achieve this. It would make a huge difference for me. And if you don't think you can do that, then maybe it's come to the point where we can't live together. But I need this support from you guys. Guys. And might be surprised at how they show up if you frame it in the support that you need from them. It would probably feel really good to know that I could actually do something that my sister would appreciate and feel supported by instead of feeling like the one that's not successful.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that that by God, please please because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for for being We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.