I want to explain and unpack. Yeah. What you're going to feel, because we've now researched this for years. I know the science is like bananas and life changing. The world's leading experts on habit research and neuroscience are blown away by this. And the research on the power of a high five is also shocking, and it's well documented. And so first, let me tell you what you're going to experience. Number one, expect it to feel weird. And I can explain why it's going to feel weird based on neuroscience. So you should expect it to feel weird because you, by high fiving yourself, are breaking a very ingrained habit at the moment. Your default and your subconscious programming is to either ignore yourself or criticize yourself. So it's going to be different than the habit that you have in place to high five yourself. And so, just like, you know, I'm a right hander, and when I write with my right hand, it doesn't feel weird at all, because this is a habit. If I were to lose my hand in an accident and have to write with my left hand, it would feel really weird. I would have to push through that weirdness in order to have it start to feel like it's second nature.

The same is going to be true with the high five. Now, the second thing I want you to understand, and this is why I want you to do this for five days, is because there's only one of two reactions that people have as they stand there and they're about to high five themselves. It's either crazy positive, so you're either going to start to laugh and giggle and kind of move around as you do it, or you could burst into tears. A lot of people burst into tears, and the tears are from this emotional release. The person in the mirror has been trying to get you to love them for a very long time. They have been trying to get you to look up from your phone to stop thinking about everybody else and to actually give a shit about them. And so there's this massive release the first time you support, celebrate, and truly empower yourself by doing this, because you also realize in that same moment how much you've missed it, how much you've yearned for it, and how long it's been. But the second feeling that people have is the negative one, and this is more common.

And so let's unpack it. And it's a resistance. Yeah. So as you stand there, you're very likely, even if you're a woo woo positive, I love manifesting kind of person. You're likely to go like, oh, for crying, please. You know, eye roll kind of thing. That resistance is actually really sad and very deep. Yeah. Here's what it is. Every morning when you stand in front of the bathroom mirror, you drag with you your entire past. If you've experienced trauma, if you've been abused, abandoned, neglected, if you've been hurt, heartbroken, anything, you see that as evidence that you're not worthy, that you're unlovable, that you're damaged. And the resistance is the fact that that's your opinion of yourself based on what's happened to you and what you've survived. That's why you resist celebrating the person you see. The other reason why you may resistant is because if you're a human being, you've done a lot of stuff that you regret. Whether it's cheating or addiction, or stealing or lying or blowing up relationships or missing opportunity, whatever it is that you beat yourself up for that, by the way, you would forgive me or Julie for.

But you can't forgive yourself for. Even though you know you were just trying to survive, you didn't know any better. You know, you stand in the mirror and you judge yourself, and you hang that yoke of shame around your neck. And that resistance is your unwillingness to forgive yourself or see your humanity. And the other reason why you resist this is because you've bought into this lie that in order to be worthy of celebration, support, or love, you must first do something to earn it. So if you are not where you want to be in life, if the number on the scale isn't what it should be, if the money in the bank isn't what it should be, if you aren't in the relationship, you don't have the kids, you're not in the right house, you don't have the right skin color, your hair is too kinky. Like whatever it is that you're holding over yourself, outside of yourself, as when that happens, then I'm worthy. That's also the resistance. And I'm on a mission. This is so foundational. I'm on a mission to get every human being to understand because of what you survived, because of everything that's happened or that you've done.

If you can drag yourself out of bed and stand in front of that mirror and show up every day and try to do just a little bit better, you deserve a high five for your mirror existence here. And you need it. You need it.

Take a breath. That is powerful. Shit, Mel, that is something you said. I want to go back to because I think this might even go into one of the questions I had for you. You said, you just did this. You weren't sure what to write. This came organically, which is part of what I love about you and this experience. But something you said that was very different than oftentimes when we, you know, you can look in the mirror, I love you, great, blah, blah, blah. You said you did this and you felt something shifted. And that, to me, the feeling something shifted. That is very different, I think, than a lot of these things that were taught and told, oh, you can try this, because you stay here in your head versus you. And I could feel it. I'm like something literally profound. It feels to me like you had an actual, like, full body awakening, awareness, realization. It was so profound. And that's what we can all have.

And, yeah, you can. And wait till you hear the sign that explains the shift.

Yeah, let's do it.

Crazy.

I have chills.

So there's three levels to this in terms of the science on what's happening in your body. So in your brain and your nervous system, and I think, your soul. But I'm going to explain to you step by step, something super exciting and encouraging about all of this. Your body and your nervous system and your brain are already programmed to have this work. So the shift that you feel is your brain and your nervous system and your body falling into true alignment with how you're supposed to treat yourself. And you don't have to say a thing. This is the beauty of it. You see, my husband, for example, when the restaurants failed, his business partner was able to look at that seven year stretch and say, boy, we worked our tail off, and I'm proud of what we did. Even though we didn't deliver the return on the investment that we had wanted to. My husband, for whatever reason, could not tell himself that he believed that since the restaurant venture failed, he was a failure. Yeah. And for years, he would drag himself into that bathroom and see nothing but evidence for why he had failed.

And him trying to pump himself up, it would not work.

Right?

And here's why. If you were to look in the mirror and be like, you're awesome, his brain would be like, who are you talking about? Can't be talking about you. Because for six years, you've been telling yourself you're a failure. I don't believe the awesome thing. Yeah, your brain will reject it if the mantra is the opposite of what you believe to be true about yourself. Just like our daughter, who I write about, she texts me this heartbreaking thing in the middle of writing this book. This whole book came together literally in, like, six months. It's story after story of all the things that were happening, all proving what I'm proving to you in this book. She text me, how do I not fix feel like the ugliest girl at the bar every time I go out? First of all, there's nothing I can do now as her mom, because believe me, I've tried to change her opinion about herself. And do you think if you've told yourself you're the ugliest of all your friends or the biggest of all your friends for years, do you think any positive mantra, I love my body is going to work?

Yeah. No. So here's why the high five works. This is amazing. You can stand in front of the mirror and hate your body. You can stand in front of the mirror and be a failure. And something interesting happens when you raise your hand and high five yourself. So let's talk about a high five, because for our entire lives, we've been high fiving everybody else. So, Julie, when you go to one of your three kids or somebody else in your life, what is the gesture of a high high five actually communicate to somebody?

It's kind of a celebrating, acknowledging and championing the person. And it's so interesting. I'm like, my brain just went, oh, my God, you're right. I've never had five to myself. Never.

Yeah. Yeah. Ever now. Yeah. And so when you do it for somebody else, it communicates. It's always positive.

Yeah.

And it communicates. I believe in you. We got this. I see you. I love you. Come on, now, shake it off. Get going. Keep going. I believe. I love you. That's what it communicates. And so here's the most killer part of the whole thing. All of that positive mantra programming, I believe in you. I love you. You got this. You're awesome. It's already encoded in your subconscious, and it's married to a high five. So when you raise your hand to your own reflection and you try to think, I'm a fucking failure or I hate myself, your brain will not allow you to think it. It's impossible. Because the second that you raise your hand and start to do this, your brain recognizes the high five. It kicks in your subconscious, and all the positive programming actually gets married with your own reflection. So for my husband, when he does it, it's an act of defiance against failure. And the high five says, I see you. I know you're struggling, and I still love you. Now get out there for my daughter, it says, I see you. I know that this is hard and I still believe in you.

And you're awesome, and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Now get out there and go play the game of life. That's why it works. That's one reason. The reason why you feel something shift was explained to me by doctor Daniel Amen. So Doctor Daniel Amen, as you know, is one of the world's leading experts on the brain. He's got clinics on the brain. He's the guy about the brain. And when I first told him about this, he went bananas. He's like, do you know why this works? Oh my God. And I'm like, no, tell me why it works. So he said he verified the thing about the subconscious because there's a whole field of neuroscience called neurobics, which is about a physical movement and a physical intervention, aerobic activity with a change in thought. It is the fastest way to build a new neural pathway to marry an unexpected physical movement with a new change in thought. And so the unexpected physical movement is the raising of the hand and high fiving yourself. Because to what you just said is, I've never done it to myself. And all of the programming, the new thought that is the opposite of what you say to yourself now is already in your subconscious.

So that's the field of science that explains why it works. The second thing that he said is the reason why you feel a little boost, a little shift, a little something like a little lightning, is because every time somebody else has ever giving you a high five, your brain drips dopamine, the feel good drug. Oh, yeah. When you do it to yourself, you get a dopamine drip, which is why it boosts your mood. Damn, I'm not even done yet. So the reason why you keep doing this, if you do this more than five days, you get through the weirdness, you get through the resistance, you start like feeling the boost. You start feeling like this is kind of fun. You kind of laugh at yourself. You do it. You like, think about the game you want to play today in life. Like, it's fine. It's a fun way to send yourself into the day. You also feel a little bit energized. Weird. What is that about? Well, it's your nervous system. So what Doctor Daniel Amen explained to me is that your nervous system is encoded for celebratory action. So when you go to wave hello to somebody and you raise your arm to wave hello, that's celebration.

When you go to raise your arms to hug somebody, that's celebration. When you go to raise your arms when you finish a race and cross the finish line, that's celebration. When you raise your hand to high five somebody, it's celebration. Your nervous system remembers it as celebration. The more you do it and start celebrating yourself, the more your nervous system gives you that jolt of energy. That's why it's working. Is this not crazy?

This is crazy. I am still. What I love is how this just came through. You had no idea. I don't think you knew all this divine.

This is like, thank you. There's no question. This is why, for me, this is really not about a book. It's really about something that is needed at this moment in time to help people, to reawaken a connection that you need to yourself so that you can have your own back and support and celebrate yourself through the ups and downs in life. Everybody needs to know the science. They need to know why this is important and they need to start practicing it.

This, to me, what's so brilliant, you said this early on that one of your gifts, your genius, is taking complicated information, even the way it was divinely coming through you, as just this simple. Really. I'm even thinking, like, somatic, like you probably didn't realize. You know, you raise your hands, it's all making sense as you're ahead.

You want to know something? I wrote the whole book and then I only talked to Daniel. Am. Doctor Daniel. Amen. Three weeks ago. I don't even have that research in the book.

Wow.

Like, I've got incredible research in the book and the research about the subconscious and the research about the power of a high five and the MBA and building trust and foundational needs and all of it, which is plenty, but a conversation three weeks ago took it to a whole nother level to explain that sort of. Why is something shifting in me? Why does this feel good? Like, because it is cheesy when you describe it.

Right, right. Well, first of all, I'm like, you better be sure I'm doing this tomorrow. I'm gonna take a picture and send it to you, Mel. Be like, this is me. You know what I love about this is it's beyond words, frankly, it's beyond. Sometimes we can say things and then you get the dance in your mind, like, no, no, no, this goes, this cuts over that. And the science shows that it's fricking brilliant. And I love the divine channel that you are. I mean, you really, you're really living up to your one in 400 trillion like, you're. You're in it. And this is powerful. I can see why this needs to be a movement. I mean, I had a sense of this, but I didn't know the science. And listening to you, it's like, I'm just going to invite everybody. You guys don't even have a. Like, there's no excuse. We're all doing that now.

Let me. Let me tell you the coolest part. You ready?

Yeah. Bring it on. It's already been pretty cool. Yes.

So. Well, first of all, the high five in the mirror is just the beginning, because then I start to reveal all these other tools. Tools like high fiving your heart, which will help you with your nervous system, and tools around developing a high five attitude, which is an attitude grounded in optimism and resilience and all kinds of stuff that you can do to really anchor down in faith, to take advantage of the science of manifesting, because unless you believe it's possible, the manifesting is not going to work. And so there's stories about that in the book. So it's this whole philosophy about having your own back, about believing that there's something divine that is truly meant for you. And when you start to begin every day by seeing yourself and supporting yourself and hearing yourself through the ups and downs in life, your life will high five you back. It will draw you toward what's meant for you, because you're finally showing up for yourself and you're ready for what's meant for you. And the thing that's crazy cool is I've been doing this now for over a year. And the truth is, I don't have to high five myself anymore.

Do you want to know why?

Yeah, please.

Yeah. Having repeated this every morning for more than a year, it has not only silenced that critic that used to live in my head, it has evicted it, and it has replaced it with all of the programming associated with a high five. I don't even see my body anymore. I literally see, like, my soul. I see a human being. And it doesn't make you arrogant. It kind of makes you humble, because it makes you see somebody who's trying. Who's showing up every day, who just wants to be seen and encouraged and loved. And I think that's what we all do. And so it's given me this profound sense of compassion and love and freedom and connection to the one person that I spend my whole life with. And that's me.

I'm like, shit, I need tissues. I'm about to cry. Just listen to you. I'm like, it's so beautiful because I can feel you. Like the war has ended in you is what it feels like. Yeah. You put down the sword. You put down the sword. That is really. I'm having a little bit of a flushed real, honestly, like something's going on over here, because I feel you. And this is profound. I can see why. This is for all of us, for our humanity, because to see who you really are, and I'll tell you, mom, and I'm not just saying this, this might sound strange, but your energy, you're like, you look younger, brighter and lighter than in any time I've seen you. I mean, you've always looked. I mean, you're beautiful inside, outside, but I mean, like, your energy, like, I can feel what you're saying.

You know, you're, you're the third person. Lewis Howes said that to me when he saw me, and he's, he and I have been very, very good friends for years. And he looked at me and he said, mel, you look a decade younger, like, what's going on?

Yeah.

And I really, you. Nobody has said it how you just said it. I've put the sword down. I am not at war with myself.

Yeah.

And I think that's the big realization that I've had over the last five years actually speaking around the world as much as I have in book line after book line after book line, bumping into people on planes, talking to people in hotel hallways. Because for me, my career has been a real gift. But, you know, as much as it's fun to be on a stage, and it's definitely something that I'm really good at and I enjoy and I make an impact doing. Yeah, I always tell everybody it's what happens before and after that I love the most. It's bumping into real people and hearing their stories. And what I have been present to is just how much pain people are in. And what I've only come to realize recently is what you just so eloquently said. It's the war that they have with themselves. And you're right, I'm not fighting anymore.

You're wearing the truce. The white flag is, honestly, you are wearing it. And I just think I'm like, oh, gosh, I get to start tomorrow. I want to see myself in a year. Let's do this in a year. I'm like, I want to see myself ten years younger. It is this. I'm just going to ask everybody, close your eyes and take this in for a minute. This is so profound. I. You know, there's science to back it up. There's research to back it up. It makes sense on a very visceral level, too, Mel. Like, in a. Just in a. Yeah. When do we stop to, like, I get it. With your. With your husband. Like, there have been times, you know, especially us high achievers, we had a lot of them listening. It's like, well, not looking at what's going well, why didn't make this goal, or. And you feel shitty, and this is, like, changing the whole thing. It's the stopping the war. And I got to tell you, this is how we. I really believe is why you're doing this work, why the divine went through you. This is how we stop our worrying, obviously, is within ourselves, and you're doing that and you're sharing that.

Well, you know, and the other thing is, is that, you know, bringing up my husband and my daughter, there's nothing worse than seeing somebody that you love who is tearing themselves apart and knowing that you actually can't do anything. And in some ways, when you try to lift somebody up who's really down, it pushes them away because you're invalidating their reality. So they start to feel like you don't understand what it's like to be them, because the truth is, you don't. And so one of the things that I am the most excited about is that just, like, the five second rule was this little tool that anybody could use in a moment when they were alone and they needed to motivate themselves. Nobody else is there. No one's coming. It's just you and your fear and your procrastination. You've got this simple little thing to. 54321, push yourself. I believe that the high five habit is an even bigger and more profound tool, because in that moment, every single day, where the war is with self hatred and with self rejection, you now have a tool to fight back.

That is a drop the effin, Mike. I got nothing. My brain just went like, nope, there's nothing else to say to that. That is. Oh, my gosh. This I will say because I said, we're gonna add a little. We're gonna have a little woo in here. I. You are, you know, you can feel this was. This was divinely channeled through you, and I'm, like, holding back. I'm not kidding. This doesn't usually happen. I feel like I want to burst into tears because I feel you. I know you're an experiential learner, and I'm grateful for who you are and for your stepping into just the badassery and this what you've discovered. I just. I'm in love with this. I'm in love with this. And it's so. It is simple, like you've said.

I know.

And you're. It's actually. It is easy in this case. This really is simple and easy. This is simple and easy.

It is.

And it's life changing.

Wow. It is. I'm back with my husband, Chris.

Hi, Mel.

Hi, Chris.

Thanks for having me.

Of course. And I was just sharing with everybody that when I first stumbled upon this high five habit, and I started doing it, and then I asked you if you would try it for five days. Do you remember that?

Definitely. And I said, nfw.

You did have a very deliberate. I'm not doing that.

Yeah. I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. I found it ludicrous, quite honestly. Let's go to the mirror. Let's high five ourselves. And this is going to solve all problems.

Well, I don't. I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems, but I know based on the research and I know based on the testimonials of 175,000 people and the testimonials that roll in every single frickin day that are so profound that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself and the person in the mirror, and that kicks open a door to an entirely new set of habits and an entirely new possibility. And, you know, we're laughing, but when I kept pushing you, because I'm like, dude, you're my husband. I need you to try this. I want you to take the high five challenge. I want you to do this. For five days, you shared with me something that I didn't know and the real reason why you thought this was stupid, when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad. And honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse. So would you share with everybody sort of the deeper insight as to why you kind of had that reaction?

I think at the time, I related to the idea of a high five to myself as being encouragement, like looking forward, the idea that you would high five yourself to inspire forward action. And yet I find that the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes meeting your eyes. And that's where the struggle was, because when I took that challenge on, I remember, really, the hi fi was easy. The looking at myself in the mirror, that was not easy.

Why can I hold your hand.

I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past. You know, I was looking back, I was not, I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five. I saw failure, I saw upset, I saw just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself. And I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that. But just where I was at the time, I didn't feel like I deserved that high five. So I, I think that that was probably the, the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was, this is stupid, when the truth is that I was, I was, I was not happy with myself and didn't think a high five washing was deserved.

It's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself. Cause I stood next to you for years, the sink right next to you. And when I looked at you like I saw the world's best dad, amazing husband, I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business. I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things. You just kind of put on a smile and carried on. You were so sort of stoic about it. So can you explain? Because I think that theres a lot of people, especially men, that really beat the hell out of themselves when their career doesnt go how they thought it was going to go, or they get laid off, or you become an entrepreneur and entrepreneurship looks fucking glamorous. Its a bitch, especially in the restaurant business. And you had been an entrepreneur, so can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand, like, how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed and why you felt that way?

Oh, it had to have been 15 years.

15 years.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it was, I don't think it was just the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that. I think that it, I'm not sure exactly when, but I, as you and I know, like the looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all of the things that I did, but having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities and industries and companies and job, job changes, and I just never, ever related to myself like I was succeeding in a professional sense. And I, of course, concluded that therein lies the source of my failure, because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider, and to go, quote, make it happen. And so the, so the discomfort with myself and my progress professionally was absolutely what I think dragged me down. And, yeah, being an entrepreneur can seem glamorous. I would say that at the time when this whole thing and the high five challenge or the book came out, you and I were. We were in the throes of it. I mean, we were talk about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day.

There wasn't at least just. Didn't seem like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good. And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that. You might have seen me as a good husband or father or business partner, but those words weren't being shared between us. And so naturally, I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you. But I also think that being in the thick of it and running as fast and as hard as we were didn't, you know, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff, fuck that. Like, I wasn't. I wasn't. And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was to stand in front of that mirror and see your whole self. And for guys, I think for guys, that is, for many, borderline feels impossible because that's what we do. We just get up, put the boots on, and go, okay, you know, Mel needs something. The wife needs something, the kids need something, the employer needs something.

Okay, okay. Let me jam in a quick workout maybe because maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind, body, or spirit needs, but also something that I think is an afterthought for guys. And we put everybody but ourselves first. So the act of standing in front of a mirror and high fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, I love you. Outlandish concept, but hugely, hugely important. And it doesn't happen unless you're sort of willing to really stop and slow down and consider that you. You matter more than your wife, your kids, your employer, the rest of it. And I think that's part of what has. I think maybe over the years, dragged me down, was paying zero attention to me and paying all the attention, or so I felt on everybody outside of.

Me and providing and trying to prove that you were successful and trying to earn money and live up to also your dad's expectations.

Yeah, well, that's. I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day. But yes, certainly growing up with a father that did what he did and accomplished what he accomplished. And even just the basics of putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase and catching a train of and working in a skyri, you know, a high rise in Manhattan. All of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing. None of which, of course, played out, other than the occasional suit until ties and the rest of it flew out the window. But just I wasn't, I wasn't being like my dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

Mm hmm. So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror, and I want to hear you talk more about that because I know that it's a bunch of things that come up for you because you're not in that place that you are in, where you look in the mirror and see a failure and you don't believe those things about yourself. And the challenge of simply standing in the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you. That's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine. Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes and don't see a reflection. See a human being who needs you that half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves.

And it's a good point. Cause you can. It sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror.

Yes.

Versus actually seeing yourself.

Yes. And if you aren't looking through yourself, a lot of us look at all the things we don't like. And so even gazing at ourselves is an act of self criticism because we're like, I hate my this, I hate my that. My, you know, neck is saggy. And, you know, you have since done tremendous amount of therapy. You and I have done the psychedelic supervised therapies. You are in the middle of getting your masters in spiritual transpersonal psychology. You are getting your training to be a death doula and to sit with people at the end of their life. And you have also started a men's retreat called soul degree. And you've been leading retreats with men for four years, Chris, and there's a lot of emotion that comes up for you. Six years. Sorry. Six years. Terrible wife. Can I get a high five? Cheer me on. Even though. Thank you. Don't let go of my hand. I don't want to hold your hand. You have been in the presence of so many men, and you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends. Through anxiety and through issues.

And I know there's a lot of emotion there. So, you know, can you, like, just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed about, you know, the kind of coaching that you lead, the meditation circles that you lead, not, like, from what you want people to know about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself and that this is a very foreign concept for boys and men.

Yeah, I think that the. I mean, I often talk about soul degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down when the truth of the matter is it's in the slowdown that all of those beautiful things can take place. And I think that the. The reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys, is that. And I speak to all the partners and the spouses, the people that have sons and fathers and male counterparts, is.

That.

Yes, it is the responsibility of the individual to be able to look in the mirror and see the whole person, foibles and all. But why there is a lot of emotion is because in my experience in sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard, and that's.

Not on an emotional level. So let's go back to the mirror and what you experienced when, for five days in a row, you made it a habit to stop at a time in your life where you still were beating the shit out of yourself and look yourself in the eyes and either say, I love you, which I know is one of your practices, to look yourself in the eyes, in the mirror and say, I love you. But to me, one of the powers of the high five habit is there's a lot of people that won't say, I love you. And so the physical action of giving the person in the mirror a high five demonstrates love. And so what did you experience for yourself personally in terms of the science working the shift in how you started to see the person in the mirror?

Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition. And I think at one point, I don't know if. I don't remember if this is in the book, but the idea that there's so many mirrors out there in the world, I mean, you come across a mirror a dozen times a day, potentially.

Yeah.

And I tried that during the challenge was just. It wasn't just brush teeth in the morning one time. It was whenever I saw a mirror. And I think that. That's critically important, because this high five thing, this idea, it's not. I know you call it the high five habit, but it's one of those things that doesn't. It almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual. And that's because next week or next year, some shit might go down and you might do something or something happens where you really feel immediately lousy about yourself. And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up, saying, I love you, or high fiving yourself, your life circumstance is going to get in the way, right? Frequently.

Correct. Just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep. But when you come back to that moment, because for me personally, it's a moment of joining in with myself. It's a moment of partnership with myself. And you used to coach almost all the, you know, teams that our kids played on when they were little, you know, when they're really little. And as a coach, like, if you think about when you high five a kid, it's either to congratulate them for something that they did, or it's to help them shake something off and know that there's somebody that believes in them and to get back out there into the game. And for me, whether it's the high five I give myself in the morning after I brush my teeth, and the moment I take to look at myself in the mirror, or like you said, I don't always high five myself throughout the day when I see a mirror. But I'll tell you something, I look at myself differently, and I know you do, too. And so the importance of this, because it is something that most of us don't do, I think we casually slip into the subconscious where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot.

And every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the eyes and see a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in, simply because you're here. That, to me, is the power of this. What is the power of it for you?

I'm still a little steeped in acknowledging that, yes, I'm here, but not, like, here physically. And how great this is, that I'm alive and breathing. Yes, that's all amazing. But when I look in the mirror, what I see is I see. I guess I can see the age and the wisdom and the learning more that I'm more grateful for that for having been through what I've been through. And so the looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, okay, you got this, you know? All right, your next meeting or your next. Whatever.

Maybe it should be maybe.

But like I said, I look forward less than I do. Look back, great. And today, in the look back, there's more gratitude and appreciation and a willingness to high five those elements of me which for so many years I hated.

When you look in the mirror, can you describe the person you see today?

I see a mandeh for who he is. And I see a man with different, but the same number of battle scars that every other man, I think, has. In the sense of what I've been through, what's worked, what hasn't worked. I see a man who's worked his ass off, but not necessarily with the right mindset or for the right reasons. Like, if there's regret, it's probably, that's probably the area to dig in for me, is just being able to completely release that. Yeah, whatever. I made that choice for that reason at that time with the tools that I had. And that's all I knew. And so I see today, looking in the mirror somebody that is accepting of those decisions and choices that I made and even acknowledging the pain and the struggle that I was also blind to. I mean, the idea of sort of coming to terms with having battled depression, I think I was oblivious to that for many years without just didn't even occur to me. That might have been part of the resistance too. I mean, if you're battling, if you're battling depression, a high five in the mirror definitely feels like the last thing in the world you would ever pursue.

But it's something that you should.

Oh, without a doubt. I see a man I love. I see a man I'm proud of. I see a great father, and I see a great partner to you. And I see a man who has accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I see a man who's doing his best and deserves a look in the eye and a high five.

All right, well, I'll give you one. Oh, my God.

I think one last thing I want to say to the men out there. Any man who feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down, I strongly encourage you to start with you. And to begin with, forgiveness. Not always so easy, but without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing. And while we don't always believe that the results live up, it's in the forgiveness and the starting with yourself and the self acknowledgement.

And I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning, because I know that we're going to get a ton of questions. Chris. Wow. How do I begin? That one step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror.

I'm shocked that I'm even saying this, given my initial reaction to the high five habit of. But I agree. Start right there. Start in the mirror.

Because if you change the story you're telling yourself about the person you see in the mirror, if you change the actions that you take in how you treat the human being in the mirror, if you change what you're thinking when you look in the eyes of the person in the mirror, that is the beginning of forgiving yourself. Like you will never forgive yourself if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion and with forgiveness and with understanding. And one of the reasons why I'm going to keep hammering this, everybody raise your hand and high five the mirror. Because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself and you can't stand yourself for whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something. You don't have to change your thoughts. The neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five. Chris. And all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it, it has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science. And so the physical act does the work for you, and it starts to plow new neural pathways and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving yourself.

But if you got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving, because you are.

Yeah, I can't stress that enough. You could forgive yourself all day long walking down the sidewalk, but that's a futile exercise. The mirror is where it happens. And seeing yourself.

So let's talk about this high five habit. In short, it's about cheering yourself on in all aspects of your life, right? Why is this so important? Well, first of all, the last 18 months, I think, has punched everybody in the face. We all have higher anxiety. We feel discouraged, we feel low energy. And so you have to know how to pick yourself back up when something like this happens, you need more positive energy. And this goes deeper than just cheering for yourself. There is so much science behind high fiving yourself in the mirror that is mind blowing. I started doing this because I was overwhelmed by my life. I was overwhelmed during quarantine, and I couldn't think of anything positive to say to myself in the mirror. And one morning, I just all a sudden high five the exhausted, overwhelmed, tired woman I saw staring back at me, and I felt this shift in energy. I did it for a month. I posted one photo online, and more than 100 people posted photos within an hour of themselves and with their kids of all ages, of all sizes, races, religions, doing it around the world.

And I thought, well, that's crazy. Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to feel lifted up. So I did a year long research project. The science is nuts, you guys. So let's talk about a high five. He's high five people your entire life. When you high five somebody, what does a high five mean? You're saying, way to go. Yes. Good job. Yes. You've never high five somebody and said, you're terrible. I hate you. You're a failure.

Right?

It's a positive emotion, positive gesture. All of that programming is in your brain. It's already there.

The physical cues, the mental boom.

Okay, so you can stand in front of the mirror and say, my life is terrible. I'm a failure. I'm ashamed of this. That and the other thing. When you go to high five, your reflection. Yeah. The subconscious part of your brain overrides what you're thinking, and it programs with your reflection. I believe in you. I see you. I love you. And it's not. You gotta. You don't even have to touch the mirror. A lot of people don't. Just look at yourself in the mirror for a minute, okay? Because 91% of women hate how they look, 50% of men and women don't even look at themselves in the mirror. Wow. That's sad. Yeah, that is sad. But when you look at yourself in the mirror, you're actually staring at another human being. And everybody has a habit right now that is to pick apart or ignore the human being they see. Mm hmm. I want you to break it. And so you just look at yourself and think, how do I need to show up for that human being? And then just raise your hand and high five your reflection? Honestly, I feel it.

I do.

I know what you're talking about. And I will say, I was just at a playground in Philadelphia with a bunch of kids and they were doing.

This, like, planned recess where every time.

You lost the game, right, like, so you're out. You get tagged, whatever. You high five the person and the other one tells you you're awesome even though you're out. It's just like an uplifting feeling. Well, you know why? Because every time somebody else gives you a high five, your brain releases dopamine and your nervous system gives you a jolt of celebratory energy. This comes from doctor Daniel Amen, the world's leading expert on the brain. On top of that, there's research about kids. The most motivating force in the world when researchers studied how to push kids through a challenge is not to tell them they're smart, not to tell them to work harder. It's to give them a high five with no words. Because when you high five a human being, you're saying, I see you, I believe in you, I love you. That's what it's communicating.

I'm going to fist because it's the same reaction, too.

It's incredible. Let's go back to the definition of self esteem. Self esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And what's so cool in that text is Oakley clearly understands something. He understands what I'm trying to communicate to you, that he's not competing against the other skiers. He is only ever competing against himself. And when you look at it that way, it is so easy to start thanking yourself for doing the work. Even on the days when you don't even finish, you can still thank yourself. You can count it as a win because you went for it. And so begs the question, when you are fighting against yourself, what exactly does that mean? Well, in order to truly break this down, I'm going to pull in one of the people that really motivates me. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about David Goggins, the Navy Seal, best selling author and f bomb dropping. David Goggins do not go anywhere because we are going to talk about what it means when it's you against you. And I'm just getting warmed up. And you definitely do not want to miss this next part. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel Robbins.

I am so thrilled that you stuck through the break that you are still here with me. We are just cranking up the motivation engine right now. I hope that you are taking the time to share this with people in your life. Seriously. You can do that while you're listening to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast, because everybody on the planet needs this reminder. The reminder that self esteem is critical, how you value and perceive yourself, and that thanking yourself, particularly on those days when you are not feeling great, when you just tried your best, but you didn't finish. That's how you tap into the truth. That's how you unlock power. And it's also how you motivate yourself to keep going. Now, you and I have already been talking about the powerful example that Niecy Nash Betts gave us at her primetime Emmy acceptance speech. And once I heard that speech, I thought, I got to tell you. And the very next morning, I hop on the treadmill. This was over the weekend. I put on my headphones, I turn on this interview, and I'm listening to somebody I love. And that's David Goggins.

Now, David Goggins, Navy SEAL, best selling author, and he's doing this interview with someone else I listened to. You might listen to him. To Stanford professor Andrew Huberman. I freaking love David Goggins because of everybody that I know in the personal development life optimization research science space, I think David's message is the closest to what I'm trying to convey to you every time we talk. And, look, I'm not a Navy Seal. I don't swear as much as he does, although some of you think I do. But his message is always about action. That you cannot sit around and wait to feel like it. That there is always some level of resistance or friction or suckiness or pain in the way between you and the things that you need to do in order to change your life, in order to reach your potential. And that's what I believe, too. And I tell you that every single time that you and I are talking, action, action, action. I even say that this is not just a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. I tell you to expect it to be hard, because when you expect it to be hard, and it is hard, it doesn't derail you because you're smart.

You saw it coming. You expected this, so you pushed through it. And so here I am. I'm on the treadmill. It's literally the next morning after I've decided we're gonna have this conversation, and we're gonna talk about nieces, et cetera, and speech, and I'm listening to him as I'm walking, and it's as if the universe planted him right in my ears because he picked up right where Niecy left off. Niecy was talking about believing in yourself, that you got to just spoon feed that stuff to yourself, that you got to thank yourself for doing the work. But it begs the question, how do you believe in yourself? Well, the answer is simple. You have to act as if you believe in yourself, even when you don't. What does that mean, Mel? It means you have to get out the door and start that walk before you feel motivated to get out the door and start that walk. It means you have to quit drinking before you actually feel like or want to. It means you have to apply for that job or apply to the school, even though you're not sure you're gonna get accepted.

The action comes before the belief. It's the action that creates it. And in the case of Niecy, on those days when she felt gutted, she didn't lay there on the floor for the next ten years. She got back up, she pushed herself forward, she took action. And, you know, the fact is, no one wants to hear this. Everybody wants the hack or the three this or the other thing or the blah da da da. Give me the easy thing. No, I'm sorry, but some days it's not easy. In fact, most days it's not. And the reason why it's not going to be easy is because every single day, there will be at least one moment when you feel self doubt or you feel friction. That stuff is always going to be there. You got to learn how to push through those temporary emotions. You got to learn how to pick yourself back up and slowly keep going and moving forward. That's how you spoon feed belief in yourself. Thinking will not create belief in yourself. So let's go back to David Goggins. Here I am on the treadmill, walking, walking, walking, and he's talking in this interview about the fact that every day is a battle.

That's why whenever you see David Goggins on social media, he's usually doing one of those running videos. He drops about 15 f bombs every 60 seconds. But here's what everybody gets wrong. He's not swearing at you. Hes swearing it himself. And if you dont know his story, its freaking incredible. You have to listen to his audiobook. David Goggins, before he was a Navy Seal. Check this out. The guy was 300 pounds. He was an exterminator in Indiana. He had suffered extreme childhood abuse and trauma. Hes basically illiterate because of his learning disabilities. Hes terrified of water. But deep down inside, as a 300 pound exterminator, terrified of water. You want to know what his dream was? He wanted to become a Navy SeaL. And the long and the short of it is you got it. You got to listen to his audiobook. He did what seems impossible. He decided he was going to do it. And he not only lost the weight in the amount of time, which was a crazy amount of time for him to lose the weight, to make the weight requirement to even be allowed to get into the training, he passed the written test.

And then he went through the buds Navy SeaL training not once failed, not twice, failed, but three freaking times until he passed. I mean, undead, freaking believable story. It will motivate you unlike any other story. It will motivate you and what you see on the outside. And when you listen to him as you see this drive and you're just like, oh, my God. Like, this guy must have been born with motivation and discipline and the mindset and all this stuff, and he's like, no way. No fricking way. I battle for this every single day. And he said this thing in the interview. He was talking about how you cultivate self belief and self doubt, and this part of the interview comes up and they kind of joke, and it's not really funny, but it's true. He said there's a cure for alcoholism. The problem is, it only works one day at a time. The same thing is true for self doubt. There is a cure for self doubt, but it only works one day at a time. You have to battle self doubt. The cure is your actions. You prove your self doubt wrong every single day.

And so I want to share with you one of my favorite moments from this interview. There's no hacks, bro. It's you against you. You against you. And if you misunderstand that, you have a real problem. This has to be in you. Something in you has to wake up. And usually the only person that can wake it up is you. If you're watching me on YouTube, you're watching me up and down. He's right. He is right. There has to be something in you. And so, first of all, I want to say there is something in you. That's why you listen to this podcast. But you are the only person that can wake it up. And if you want to tap into something bigger inside of you, whether that's winning a primetime Emmy or it's getting into that school or it's healing whatever you need to heal or it's making millions of dollars, you have to figure out how to wake up, how to push yourself every day, and you got to figure out how to keep going on those days when you feel gutted. Because the only reason why someone doesn't give up on those days when they wake up and they don't feel like it, and it's the fourth rejection in a row, is because somewhere deep down inside of you, you still believe.

In fact, you know, you know the truth. And the truth is that despite how hard this may be, despite how much this sucks right now, despite how slow. Oh, my God, it's so slow. The progress, you know that someday you're gonna look up and this will all have been worth it. And as long as I'm busy and as long as I'm trying to be positive, I don't deal with the crap that's actually right in front of me. And so there is something that I need you to fess up to for yourself because you said into the microphone that you think you're not good enough. So how does thinking that you're not good enough stop you from taking the action you need to take? I haven't embraced technology. Okay, now we're somewhere. Okay. Okay. I now know, and I know why. I know why. The reason why is because it's not that you don't think you're good enough. You don't think you're smart. I'm an eight track man. And the thing that's under I'm not good enough is you actually believe you're not smart enough. And so you avoid the things that scare you. And you have a very.

You have a fabulous personality. I love that you're making jokes about the fact that you're an eight track man, but the reason why, and I do the same thing. I make jokes about the. I don't want to deal with either because it's easier. It is scary to say, I don't know how to do this, and I'm scared if I actually pivot and start focusing on technology, because I need to, that I'm not going to know how. And so it's easier to be busy and it's easier to be on television stations, and it's easier to try to do all this stuff that feels good because it's in my wheelhouse. So what are you getting out of this conversation? Because I think the procrastination is a form of stress relief. It's what you do. And what I do when I feel stressed out. And so whenever I feel stressed, I basically say, I don't have to work right now. I'm going to take a break because I feel stressed out. Because if you're working, if you're having to look at technology, you have to use this part of your brain. You have to use your prefrontal cortex because you got to focus.

You got to be intentional. You got to be deliberate. And so whenever you're faced with, okay, I got to sit down now, and I realize I got to go all in on social, and I got to cut videos, and I got to do this now. You don't. You got to have interns that do that, first of all. But secondly, it's confronting, and that stresses you out. So that's when you procrastinate. We all do it. And so what I want you to really take a look at is, where does my story that I'm not smart? Where is it blocking my dream? Where is it lying to me? Because you are smart. And here's the other thing. You don't have to be smart. You have to work hard, and you work very hard, and you are very committed. But there are things that you know. You know, how many are you relating to this conversation? Look around. You are not alone. There are things that you know that you must focus on, but it scares you because it triggers that button in you. I just got a PhD. That's it. I hope they don't find out. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. How do I know this is what you're thinking? Because this is what I think. I want you to look at where in your life that story is robbing you of your journey and where it is giving you an excuse to avoid the things that, you know you need to do. Okay. What did you just get from our conversation?

I got that I need to meditate.

And see exactly why am I taking.

Action and start, you know, doing it.

And embracing it, and I'm good enough. I'm more than enough. You need to figure out the tech piece of this. You got it? Yes, ma'am. How do I know if I. I'm getting used, and what do I do about it if I am? And we're going to start that process with a question from a listener named Crystal.

Hey, Mel, it's crystal. And I have a big question. How to know if you're being used. I have two adult siblings that have always lived with me. One has been unemployed for more than three years. Last week, my working sibling was placed on Pip. I've always been the big breadwinner, and they. And my mom all lived in my home. My mom passed away four years ago. It's becoming increasingly difficult to motivate them and or get them to understand. The weight of responsibility is on me. I'm beginning to think they don't care and are enjoying the stress free lifestyle they've become accustomed to or they don't understand because they've never had this type of responsibility. I'm growing tired of carrying all the obligation, accountability and responsibility. When are they going to grow up and be equal contributors or move out? Thanks for any advice. This is really eating up bandwidth in my head. I will add, we had a horrendous childhood and largely why we all stayed together. There is safety in numbers and we had to have a united front against a very abusive father and ex husband. He abused us all well into adulthood.

Thanks for any insight. Thanks for all you do.

Crystal, thank you for that question and thank you for the detail that you provided. In the end, I think that's really relevant to how you handle this and how you think about the situation that you're in. Okay, so I've got five takeaways that I'm going to share with you, and the first one is this. There is a big difference between being used by somebody and being in a situation where somebody is used to the situation. Does that make sense? I'm going to unpack this a bit because I think it's really, really important when you're being used. That's a situation where somebody is intentionally using you or taking advantage of a situation to their benefit. They know they're doing it. For example, if you're in a job and you've basically phoned it in and you're only staying there because you want the money, but you're not actually doing what's expected of you, you are using your employer. When you sneak stuff from your roommate's side of the refrigerator, you're using them. When you intentionally do something like invite yourself to somebody's house, even though you don't like them, but they have a great pool and it's a nice weekend, but you are not that great of a guest, or you don't really, you know, you gossip about them, you're using them.

That situation is very different than what I think you're in, crystal, which is you're in a situation where the people around you are used to the situation. They've grown accustomed to it. They are comfortable in it. And what's happened is you're now not comfortable with the situation, but they're just used to it. And so I think it's important for you, crystal, to anchor there. And as you are listening to me unpack all of these takeaways, I want you to apply this to your situation. Are you in a situation where you're being used because somebody's leading you on, but deep down they just want sex. And yet they're telling you that this is more, but they just want sex. That's a situation where you're being used. Or are you in a situation like, crystal, where the situation's been like this for a while and everybody's kind of used to it, but you're just sick of it, so you now want to change it. And the details, crystal, in your particular situation matter because you guys are used to living together. You guys are used to being under the same roof. You said that you've been doing this for a long time.

Your mom used to live with you and that there's safety in numbers. And so I believe what's happened is that you are just tired of the situation the way that it is. And that means that you are going to be the one that changes it. Because if everybody else is used to it and they're comfortable in it, they have no motivation or no interest in changing it. Why would they? It's working for them. It's just not working for you, and that's okay. So the second takeaway, you ask the question, when are my siblings going to grow up? When are they going to realize I'm frustrated? When are they going to never. They are never going to grow up. Why? Because they're comfortable. They're used to this. They're used to you being in charge. You've always been in charge. You've always been the breadwinner. You said as much. And so they're not going to grow up. And that's okay. Everybody. That's okay. That means that you are going to have to be the grown up and you're going to have to parent, and I'm going to get to that. I'm going to tell you exactly what to do.

When you're in a situation where you're trying to make the people around you level up and help you change the situation. I also want to say for your sake, crystal, and for anybody else, that, you know, it sounds like you guys are also struggling with trauma and PTSD. And so I know that that's also why you haven't shaken things up. If all three of you experienced horrific abuse, which you just said that you did, then you also have the added issue of people maybe not having healed from that trauma and maybe not being as proactive or as motivated or as self sufficient as they could be. There was another detail in what Crystal said. She said, PPI. What does that mean everybody. It means a performance improvement plan. What that basically means is you're fucking up at work and your bosses have sat you down and they have said your work is not satisfactory, and we are going to put you on a pip. A performance improvement plan, which is very embarrassing. It's very confronting. I'm not making excuses for the sibling. I'm just trying to explain the psychology here of why they're not growing up and why they've gotten very comfortable with very low self motivating standards.

And you're now in this framework at work where you're being measured, and if you don't measure up, your ass is fired. A performance improvement plan can be a really good thing because it means that they are providing a pathway for you to be able to excel, which means they believe that you can. But oftentimes when people are set up with a pip, they feel so ashamed and embarrassed that they just quietly quit. They feel like the writing's on the wall. They feel unmotivated and self conscious. 90% of people, when they get put on a performance improvement plan, leave the job. Whoa. It kind of makes sense because you feel like you've been called out and you're embarrassed. And so it's really important how you set up a performance improvement plan, because if it's literally, like, you suck and you're gonna get fired unless you do these things, who wants to stay at that job? But if you set it up using what is called the 19 word magic sentence, this is something that's been studied at, like, Yale and Stanford. When you say to somebody, I have high expectations of this team, and I think you're capable of achieving them, which is why I'm gonna put you on a performance improvement plan, so that you know what's expected.

And I believe you can achieve this. This is the path forward for success for you. That is a way that makes you want to play the game. And so, crystal, ironically, we're going to put your family, your siblings, on a performance improvement plan, and we're going to set it up the right way. Because since it's your family, you can talk about your feelings, and you can talk about your need to feel support, and you can talk about these simple things that they can do that would make a huge difference in this living arrangement and in their lives and in your lives. So it can be like a really positive thing that you're going to do. So, takeaways so far, you're either being used because it's conscious and intentional, or you're just in a situation where people are used to what's going on and they're not motivated to change it like you are. When will other people grow up and realize this? Never. You got to be the adult in this situation if you want to change it, because it's your life, it's your happiness, by the way, it's also your house, and it's your responsibility to lead the change that you want to see.

Always. Another takeaway that I want you to have is when you're around people that are not motivated to change their lives, you're probably dealing with what psychologists call learned helplessness. Now, learned helplessness was first coined in 1965 by a very famous psychologist. After doing these really awful experiments with dogs. I'm not even going to explain the experiments, but basically what learned helplessness is, is it's when you receive a series of setbacks or you are experiencing a lot of pain and you basically give up. You decide that there's nothing that you can do, it is what it is, and you just survive and try to cope through the pain and the situation. And it's the difference between being a person who is pessimistic, that you feel like nothing's ever going to change. You're never going to be good enough. Why even bother? Boss never likes my work, or I never do well at work, or my sister already takes care of things, and I'm never going to amount up to anything. Versus having an optimistic point of view and optimism. Realistic optimism is just the belief that through your own actions and through your own attitude, you can make a positive dent in any situation.

That your effort is always worth it, that trying is always worth it, that growth is available to you. And so I say this because when you're surrounded by people that have this sense that nothing they do matters, it just creates complacency and fear. And there's one thing that makes a difference when you're in this situation. And crystal, I think that's a situation that you're in. You guys have passed trauma. The situation has always been that you always take care of everything. Now you've got one of your siblings who's on a performance plan, so they're feeling kind of kicked down to the ground. And I would imagine there is this sense of pessimism. There is this sense of I'm just used to life not being easy. And that's where you can come in. And this is the fourth takeaway. You ready? They need goals. They need goals set by you. Goals for how they are supposed to show up. You see they don't know the path forward. They don't know how it's supposed to look. You do because you want the situation to be different. And so it's on you to set what are called smart goals.

For those of you who have not heard about smart goals, we will link to the article that was written in 1981 where three researchers came up with the idea of smart goals in the context of leadership and business. But smart goals is a very simple and effective way to think about setting goals for yourself or other people. Smart stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. And so here's how this is going to work with your siblings. I want you to think about how the situation could be different. Put on an optimistic hat, and now we're going to paint a picture of what it would look like in the day to day living situation so that you feel supported, because it's not just about the money. Are they doing anything around the house? Are they cooking? Are they caring for the yard when it snows? Do they shovel? Are they taking the trash out on Mondays? Are they making their beds in the morning? Like, what is it that would make you feel as though the dynamic has shifted, that everybody's leveled up in their own achievable way, and those actions make you feel a shift.

Okay. And so let's go back to smart. Specific. What are specific goals you could set? And those goals might look like you need to make your bed every morning. Those goals might look like, I'm going to make a grocery list. And every Tuesday, so and so is going to go to the grocery store. I'm going to create a schedule for who's cooking and who's doing dishes. And since you guys aren't contributing financially, that's what you're going to do. I know I'm being very, kind of, like, annoyingly detailed here, and maybe in a really condescending way. I don't mean to be. I'm trying to say that because people don't know what you want, which is what you should assume, and you're the one who wants the situation to be different. You have to get crystal clear. Black and white, granular, meaning specific. I got to be able to measure it. It's got to be broken down so that your siblings can achieve it. It's got to be realistic, and it's got to be timely. Meaning do it on a Tuesday, do it on a Wednesday, every weekend. I expect this because that is how you lay a path forward for somebody who is in a hole to be successful.

So the final piece, the fifth takeaway, is this. When you see your siblings doing those actions, when you see them checking the boxes, when you see them making their bed, when you see them spending an hour every day looking for a job, or you see them checking in with you for ten minutes every night about how work went today, when you see those actions happening, you got to cheer for them. Because what you're trying to do is you're trying to create an environment where somebody knows that you believe in them. They know what your expectations are. They know the defined, achievable steps that they can take in order to make you happy. And then when they do those things, you gotta cheer for them. You gotta say thank you. You gotta say, I appreciate you. And why this is so important is because you're not dealing with a situation, Crystal, where you're getting used. You're in a situation where you're trying to level up your siblings and you're trying to do it. When there's issues like generational trauma and hopelessness and patterns in place, and a dynamic between all of you, which means you gotta get super intentional about what the new game looks like, you gotta define it.

And then, like an awesome coach always does, you gotta cheer for your players as they are in that game. That's how you do this. And I know you can do it because I can just tell based on your voice that you are somebody who is a very matter of fact, professional, successful, awesome person. Which is why this is frustrating, because we all think that everybody thinks like us. We all think that all those things that you think are obvious. Why do you put your stuff on the floor? Why don't you just let the dog out of? Why do you leave the dead flowers in the vase on the cave? Don't you just. We think it's obvious. It's not obvious to everybody, but you can make it obvious, and you can make it a game worth playing. And don't forget, you get to talk about your feelings. Guys, I love you, but I feel frustrated and I'm starting to feel a little used. And I'm starting to feel very sad because I see you guys just coasting in life, and I believe that there's something more for you. And so here's my request. If you're going to continue to live with me, and I want you to, I need you to show up differently.

And here is what I need from you, and I know you can achieve this. It would make a huge difference for me. And if you don't think you can do that then maybe it's come to the point where we can't live together. But I need this support from you guys. And you might be surprised at how they show up if you frame it in the support that you need from them. It would probably feel really good to know that I could actually do something that my sister would appreciate and feel supported by instead of feeling like the one that's not successful. So that's another way to look at it. But, gosh, I really appreciate your question. You and I are going to have a conversation about the most important relationship that you have in life, and that's the relationship you have with yourself. I am going to introduce you to a habit that I want you to practice immediately. It is a habit that is based on profound research. And it is a habit that will help you improve the relationship you have with yourself. It will impact your happiness, your sense of control, your confidence.

This is the Mac daddy of all habits. You master this habit, you improve the relationship you have with yourself. And this is like the first domino. You know how in dominoes when you line them up, there's that one domino that boom, you knock that sucker over and whoo hoo. But I can't even. All the other dominoes fall. So we are talking about the gateway to creating a positive ripple effect in your life and improving the relationship with yourself. And also, it is the secret, this habit, to self acceptance and self love. We know we should love ourselves, we should be kind to ourselves, we should accept ourselves. But nobody knows how to do it. And that's what this entire episode is about. I am going to boil the how down to one extraordinarily simple habit backed by a crazy amount of research that we will link to. And my own research study involving 175,000 people from 91 countries who tried this habit for five days in a row. So that means we've got data points that stack up to 175,000 times five. I don't even know what that number is, but it's pretty big. This works.

It's high fiving yourself every morning in the mirror as part of your morning routine. That's it. And I've got the research to prove it. I've got studies to prove it. And what we have found, based on our research, is that it takes less than five days for you to have an absolutely profound breakthrough in your relationship to yourself by simply adding a high five in the mirror once a morning to your morning routine after you brush your teeth. And at the end of this episode, I want you to stick around because you are going to hear one of the most profound testimonials ever about the impact that one high five made on a woman's life named Chris. Like, you're going to need to bring the Kleenex, because this is so goosebump, empowering and encouraging and exciting. I'm not kidding. This is profound, profound, profound. And I know that you struggle with self love because none of us know how to do it. I get questions on this every single frickin day. How do I love myself? I know I need to love myself. Mel, like this one from Maria. Hi, Mel. This is Maria from Spain.

Can you explain how to learn to love yourself? I know I need to love myself as a part of my self growth, but no one tells you how to do that. I'm curious. Is there something I can do about that? I love this question because she's right. We all know we need to love ourselves. But how the hell do you do that when nobody has taught you how? I think the main reason why this concept of self love is so hard to implement in our lives is because of the definition of love. If you look in the dictionary, love is defined as a feeling, but that's not what it is. Love is an action. And let's just take an example from your life. When you feel loved by somebody else, it's because of how they treat you. It's because of what they say to you. Like, for example, when Chris brings me a cup of coffee in the morning, I feel loved because of that action. When he says, I love you, Mel, I feel loved because of the action of speaking those words. But when it comes to loving ourselves, we're sitting around waiting for the feeling, and yet we're not recognizing the truth about love.

You feel loved by other people when they demonstrate it through actions. The secret to self love is demonstrating to yourself, through your own actions toward yourself, that you love yourself. And that's why the simple solution to having a breakthrough and loving yourself, the first domino that needs to fall, is something that I call the high five habit. This is a simple habit that I created that, boiled down, is simply adding a high five in the mirror to yourself, to your morning routine. That's what the high five habit is. Now, one of the reasons why I love this habit is because it has so much research. And the habit's very simple. When you wake up tomorrow morning, get yourself out of bed and go into the bathroom, brush your teeth, and then after you brush your teeth, you're going to put your toothbrush down. And the reason why I want you to do it after you brush your teeth is because I want to use some science called habit stacking. I want this to be part of your morning routine, what you're about to do. And so I want you to do it right after something that you do every morning, brushing your teeth.

That way, your brain will encode this high five habit even faster. And here comes the most important part. As you put the toothbrush down, you are going to look in the mirror. This is the hardest part of the high five habit. You're going to look in the mirror, and I don't want you to look through the person in the mirror. I want you to realize there's a human being that's standing in the mirror there with you every morning in the bathroom, and you have either ignored them or you have looked at all of the things you don't like about that person, whether it's the weight that you've put on, or it's the bags under your eyes or. For me, it's one boob hanging lower than the other boob. You sit there and judge that person, or based on our research and studies, 50% of men and women cannot or will not look at themselves in the mirror. And the reason is, so freaking Sadeena, it's because they don't like the person they've become or they have so many regrets in life about things that they did or the place that they thought that they would be that they can't and won't look at themselves in the mirror.

And if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, let's just stop at that right there. Because what do you do with somebody you love? What's the action when you see somebody you love? You look them in the eyes. That gaze, eye to eye, gives you not only dopamine, but the oxytocin that is in your brain. It is powerful. It's an act of love to really make eye contact and hold a gaze with love and compassion behind it. So if you can't do that and you're not doing that, you're every morning demonstrating not love, you're demonstrating rejection and criticism. And so, first step of the high five habit, you are going to put your toothbrush down and you're going to look at yourself in the eye, and it's going to feel weird if you don't normally do this. And the next part of this is very simple. Whenever you feel ready, you're going to raise your hand and you're going to high five the person you see. In the mirror. Now, one of two things will happen when you do this. And again, I have so much data on this. I know, because we've studied what happens, what's going to happen when you go to high five.

The mirror is you will either laugh out loud, and you'll laugh out loud because it's kind of dorky and funny. That's the first. That's what I did the first time I high five myself in the mirror. But you're also laughing because your brain recognizes a high five. And so one of the coolest things about high fiving yourself in the mirror is the science involved. It's called neurobics. You're using research in a field called neurobics, which is when you marry a physical action with a new positive thought you want to create. They've studied this at MIT. They've studied it all over the world. It is the fastest way to create new neural pathways and new thought patterns, to marry physical action like a high five with a new thought. And here's where the high five in the mirror gets really cool. So you're leveraging neurobics, all of this sort of physical activity, plus neuroscience. You're also getting the benefit of the release of dopamine. You're also getting the benefit of the fact that your brain and your body knows what a high five is, because you've been high fiving people your whole life, right? You've seen high fives in sports, on television.

You know exactly what a high five is. A high five is something that you give somebody a physical action when you're cheering for them, when you're encouraging them. A high five is something that you give to somebody when you're proud of them. Great shot. Good job on that test. And a high five is also something that you give to another human being whenever they need encouragement. So think about, like, standing on the side of a road race. You don't cross your arms and scowl at people. You high five people and cheer for them because you're trying to say, I see you. I see that this race is hard. Keep going. You got this. If you're on a sports team and you blow a play, when you come to the huddle, a high five from a coach or a teammate says, shake it off. I believe in you. Now get back in the game. And so it's so cool about this high five habit to yourself in the mirror. Is that a lifetime of positive programming, neurologically already in your brain gets aimed right back at your reflection. And so you are physically demonstrating with this simple habit in less than 5 seconds every single morning, that you, yes, you.

You take actions that show that you believe in, you love, and you encourage the person in the mirror. Now, another reason why I love this habit is you don't have to think anything. All of the wiring that is already in your brain and in your nervous system, it does the work for you silently. As I mentioned, there is so much research, and we're going to just put just dozens and dozens and dozens of studies. But I want to also point out that there are two studies that are really important. One of them was done with the MBA. And I'm just going to cut to the chase on this study. They wanted to know if there were any habits that winning teams had that the losing teams in the NBA didn't have in the preseason. And it turned out, after crunching all the data, and this has been verified by the Wall Street Journal, too, beyond the study that these scientists did, that the top four teams in the NBA, in fact, do have a habit in the preseason that the losing teams do not. You want to know what that habit is? You guessed it.

They have more high fives, fist bumps, pats on the back in the preseason among team members than any of the other teams. Why? Well, because a high five isn't just an action and a physical gesture that means nothing. A high five actually says, I am with you. It builds trust. It builds partnership. It builds belief. And you can build that back in yourself by adding the high five in the mirror every single morning as part of your morning routine. There was another study done with kids where they made a bunch of kids take these math tests. And these researchers wanted to know what's the best way to encourage someone through a challenging moment. And they found that it wasn't words of encouragement like, hey, you're a great student. It wasn't the growth mindset. Words like, hey, really admire how hard you're working. You want to know the single best way to motivate kids to do something challenging? It's to say nothing and to give them a high five. This was so profound that the researchers, and we'll link to the study, changed the name of the study to include the surprising power of a high five.

The surprising motivational power of a high five. That's how exciting this is. And I think you can hear this because I stumbled onto this by mistake. I started high fiving myself right after I had gotten fired, basically from hosting my own talk show. And I needed to give myself, like, a pick me up. And I just instinctually, one morning, raised my hand and high five the mirror and the immediate effect that I felt of the dopamine in my mind and the boost in my mood and this sense of, okay, I got it. I can do this. I can face this. Having my own back, demonstrating it to myself during a really low moment. It was the beginning, that first domino that fell of an entirely new relationship with myself. It's what led me to get into intensive therapy and to start getting serious about my happiness. And I think, you know, everything comes back to you and the relationship that you have with yourself. And so we're gonna go deep on this, because the relationship that you have with yourself is the single most important thing in the world. And in addition to sharing this research and this simple habit with you, I want to unpack some of the things that people experience when they do it, because I've had so many questions about this, like this one from Teresa.

How do I stop beating myself up and forgive myself for my past mistakes? I can't believe how many years you waste beating yourself up for past mistakes. And the reason why we do that is we don't know how to forgive ourselves because we don't know how to accept ourselves. We don't know how to accept the failures, the regrets, the disappointments. We don't know how to accept. We don't know how to love ourselves through it. And that's where honest to God, this simple habit of. Of demonstrating it every morning in the mirror as part of your morning routine changes everything. And we gotta take a short break for our sponsors. But don't you dare go anywhere, because I have so much to share with you. And I'm gonna invite my husband, Chris, to come and join us, because when I first shared this high five habit thing that I had discovered a couple years ago with him, when I first stumbled into doing it for myself, he thought it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. And, of course, because I'm relentless and annoying, I was like, but you got to do it for five days.

You got to try it. You got to try. And what happened when he tried it for five days was both life changing, profound, and it was heartbreaking for me to hear as a spouse just how much my husband was struggling and how the simple assignment of looking yourself in the eyes was impossible for him to do. At that time, I almost forgot the most important habit that helps with self love and self acceptance, and that's the high five habit. All right, I'm going to explain it. The high five habit. Super simple. So don't overthink this. I will do an entire episode about the high five habit, probably in January, because there's so much science to cover and so many stories to tell you. It's also the subject of my New York Times bestselling book called the high five habit. But let me just tell you what this habit is, because it is the thing you need to know, based on science and research, to have a breakthrough in self acceptance and self love. Here it is. Tomorrow morning, after you finish brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down. And now I want you to do the high five habit.

And this is how you do it. First, you look in the mirror. For many of you, that's going to be the hardest part. 50% of men and women, based on our research, cannot or will not look themselves in the mirror because they do not like the person they see. That is sad. And so I don't want you to be surprised if simply looking at yourself in the mirror is really difficult. Step two, you are then going to raise your hand and high five your reflection. I know it sounds dumb. It sounds stupid. Why would somebody do that? I'll tell you why somebody would do that in a later episode. Because the science will is so profound. The neuroscience, the research on motivation, the research on mindset, the research on how the dopamine gets. Really, it's just unbelievable what happens when you simply high five yourself in the mirror. I just want you to practice it, and trust me on this one. Now, let me tell you what's going to happen when you go to raise your hand. I don't want you to say anything. Nothing. It's just about the action and watching yourself high five yourself.

The action alone of high five and yourself does all the work neurologically, physiologically, chemically, and psychologically. It will take less than five days for you to have a breakthrough in self love. If you simply look in the mirror every morning and send yourself into your day by high fiving yourself in the mirror, you may laugh. The reason why you laugh is because your brain releases dopamine. This is really normal. You might burst into tears. That's also very normal because you may not have looked at yourself for real or been kind to yourself for real in years. Many, many people are super surprised by how emotional they get by simply silently high fiving themselves every morning in the mirror. If you have this visceral, that's the stupidest thing, I really want you to do it because not being willing to simply try something that I'm telling you we've had 164,000 people in 91 countries go through a five day challenge with me called the high five challenge. I'll tell you about that in a minute. And the results are just irrefutable. This is the fastest way, based on science, to start rewiring your brain and to have a breakthrough in being kind and loving to yourself.

And it works at a reprogramming level in your nervous system and in your brain. And it's all in the book. But I just want you to trust me on this. And so the best way to do this is let me coach you and support you because I have developed a free. That's right. No money, nothing to buy. Free five day challenge. It's called the high five challenge. High the number five challenge. High the number five challenge. High fivechallenge.com dot register for free if you want a true breakthrough in how you speak to yourself, how you feel about yourself, loving yourself, this is the fastest way to do it, and I would love to coach you. So high five challenge. I'll see you in it. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.