So I want to start our talk today by just asking you a couple questions. They're easy. Don't worry about it. You don't need a pen or paper. You can answer these in your mind as I ask you. You ready? Here's the first one. Can you name the last five artists that won artist of the year at the Grammys? Me either. Or what about the last five companies that were at the top of the Inc. 500 list? The last five winners of the Olympic gold medal in women's gymnastics? Nope. Me either. You want to know why? Because it doesn't really matter to the average person, right? Who cares? But I bet you can name your five favorite people that you've ever worked with. Just stop and think about them. You probably even see their faces pop up into your mind. Or how about the five people that you always laugh the hardest with? Like, you know, if you're gonna see these five people, you are going to have the kind of laughter where, like, your head hurts, you're laughing so hard. Or what about the five people who had the biggest impact on your life? Five favorite memories with your siblings.

Or if you don't have siblings, five of your favorite memories with your parents. Here's another great thing to think about. Think about the five people you used to spend a ton of time with, but you don't see them anymore, but you really do miss them. You know what's interesting about all those questions I just asked you? I bet you can answer all of them. You can give me five specific names or five specific memories for every one of those questions. Why? Well, because of how those people made you feel. And that brings me to today's topic. So I mentioned this research study. The research study I want to talk to you about is called the American Time use survey. And it's this big study where researchers collected data for over ten years. And here's what they were looking for. They were looking at how social connections evolved through the average person's lifetime. And I'm sure you've heard that saying, it's all over the Internet that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And there's no doubt that having healthy relationships with other people and with yourself is one of the single most important pillars of a great life.

Now, what we're going to look at today is what the research found over ten years about who you spend time with over the course of your lifetime and how that changes over the course of your lifetime. Now, one giant caveat is that they only looked at data over ten years with Americans. And regardless of where you're listening, though, or whatever your cultural background might be, I guarantee you there is something that you will learn in this data that will make you approach your relationships differently. It will make you look at friendship, your relationship with your parents or your siblings, where you're working, your relationship with your kids, with your partner, with yourself in a very different way. I know it did for me. And so here's my intention with our conversation today. My intention is to wake you up. To wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you. Bye. And how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you. And so here's how the conversation's going to go today. I'm going to walk you through the six key takeaways. And if you want to see the data and the charts, which I think you would find them very compelling, all you got to do is go to my social media, Mel Robbins, that's the handle on all the accounts.

Or go down to the resources which we have for every show. And we will link to the post, because I want you to see the grasp with your own eyes, because they are so compelling. And I got them right here in my hand. Okay? And when you see the reality, and that's what I want to hammer into your head and my head, the reality. The reality of how time is impacting your relationships with your parents, your siblings, your partner, your friends, your kids, and your coworkers. This is not a fantasy. This is the reality of your life. And I want you to be more intentional from this point forward about how you spend your time, who you spend your time with. That's what this is about. To align your life with choices that match the reality of how fast time is going by. And look, everything that's already happened, that's in the rearview mirror. We cannot change the past. We know that. But you can learn from it, and you can learn from this data, and you can take from this moment and look forward, and you can use the data you're about to learn to change your life for the better.

So let's go through these six crazy statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And the first one is about family. So let's talk about your family. I mean, everybody loves to complain about their family, don't we? In fact, as I record this right now, I'm in a bit of a little like, you know, tiff with one of our kids. They haven't talked to me in 48 hours. And so I'm not immune to the kind of challenges that can come in family relationships. But this little Tiff will pass. And I noticed that anytime I post something online about narcissism or toxic behavior, you guys go crazy over those kind of posts. Yeah. Yeah. Cut them out of my life. Yeah. Narcissists. But today, I want to talk about the reality. And the reality is, your time with your family is limited. And I'm talking about both your parents and your siblings. Your time is limited. And I'm going to break this down for you, because I don't think we stop and think about this in terms of the data. We think about it in terms of kind of generally how your life feels.

But let me just explain what happens for the average person from zero to 18. Those are the years that you will spend the most amount of time that you have with your parents and your siblings. And sometimes that time can feel like a prison. But the truth is, when you zoom out and you really look at the data, it's very sobering. Here it is. When you turn 18, the amount of time that you spend with siblings and parents, it basically drops off a cliff. And you know this. And it keeps dropping until you reach about age 26. And when you reach age 26, based on the data, you are now at a flatline for the rest of your life. That whatever time you're spending on a daily basis with your family, meaning your parents and your siblings, that's it. And if you're lucky, it tops out at less than an hour a day. Now, for those of you that are part of a big family farm, or you have a big family business, or you're a family where you have a multigenerational house, which I think is super cool, you see your family a little bit more than average.

But I want you to stop and think about this. You never see your family, do you? We lived a mile from Chris's oldest brother as we were raising our kids outside of Boston, we never saw them. And Chris and I, we would talk about it all the time. Why don't we hang out with your brother more? It's almost like because they're family, you sort of put them in the box of just defaulting to see them over the holidays. Right? And here's another example. My mother in law, she lives 3 miles from me. Now. She's 86, and her social calendar is busier than mine. Plus, I work full time. I'm lucky. When she's here in Vermont, if I see her once every two weeks, why I don't know. I guess I don't really prioritize it. It's not that I don't like her. I just don't really think about it. And let me just take a giant highlighter and really put this in perspective about how fleeting your time is with your parents and your siblings. My dad, Bob, he is turning 80 this year. His father was dead by the age of 81. Chris's dad died at the age of 69 from esophageal cancer.

So let's just say I'm lucky and my dad lives another ten years. Now, my dad and mom, they live in Michigan. So I only see my dad three or four times a year. So let's put that in the context of how much time I have with him. If he lives ten years, that's 30 more weekends with my dad. When you do the math that way, doesn't it make you think differently about it? Like, take my sibling. My brother. He lives in Chicago, and Derek's got two twin boys who are freshmen in high school. And his public high school schedule and our public high school schedule, they are not on the same breaks ever. And so it's not like we can go on spring break together. Plus, his kids are in competitive sports all summer long. Our son's going to go to college next year. When are we going to see each other? And this isn't a statistic where I'm trying to guilt you. This is the facts. And I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents or with your siblings. So I want to ask you this question in the context of this statistic, especially as your parents are getting older.

If you think about this moment and you look forward and you think about the limited amount of time that you have, what kind of daughter or son do you want to be from this moment moving on? What kind of a brother or sister do you want to be from this moment moving forward? And look, maybe you've been listening to the experts that we've had on narcissism and difficult people, and you're like, that's it. I'm cutting them out. But for most of us, when you really stop and think about the reality that time is slipping through your hands and this person is the way that they are, and they are the way that they are because of their upbringing, their past experiences, and their unhealed trauma, and there's nothing you're going to do to change it, but who do you want to be? And I want you to really think about this. This is why I call my parents three times a week. I just do it to check in because of who I want to be. And I find personally that the more that I check in, the better our relationship is. The more that they soften, the warmer that they are.

And I realize why. It's because when I call, they don't feel forgotten. And it does make me incredibly sad to think that I might only spend 30 more weekends with my dad. And look, I need to say my mom and dad, but my dad's older, so he's the one that's top of mind. And my mom just turned 75. She's still kicking. So, mom, I need to see you, too, in case you're listening. And as I'm sitting here, I can't help but think, and I bet you're starting to think this, too. You know, maybe I should find a weekend in the next month to go down and see them. I mean, you just never know, right? Even though I saw him a couple weeks ago. Maybe I should make another plan. And I think that's a big takeaway. First of all, your time is limited. Do the math and think about how little time you actually have. And the second big takeaway is always have the next plan for when you're going to see them next. That helps me a ton to know that I've got something in the books, we have something to look forward to, and that I'm checking in just because that's the kind of person that I want to be.

And it's important that you think about this, because enjoying your relationships is not just about savoring them and being grateful that you have the time to have with them. Because we all, and I don't mean to be making fun of being grateful, but it can become very surface level. My message today is look at the data, look at the reality. And if you value this, your parents and your siblings wake the hell up and start prioritizing it. And that's what I've been doing. In fact, over the holidays, we went on two back to back grandparent trips. I don't know if you've done any of those, but when the big milestone birthday happens, it's pretty awesome. Chris's mom turned 85, and so she brought together her three sons and all the kids, which meant nine cousins, six adults, and Judy and her partner on two sailboats. It was super awesome. And here's what I realized is we were all together. Do you know the last time that all 18 of us got together? It was ten years ago. And I bet that's true with your family, too, because the older you get, the harder it is to get everybody together.

Like, if I think about my family on Chris's side, nine cousins, they're all over the place. We've got cousins in Texas and Colorado and New York City, and some in college and some graduate, and they're living their lives. It's the reality. And it's difficult to get that many people together. And so I'm proud that we did that for Chris's mom, for her 85th. And by the way, right after that, we went and spent the weekend with my entire family to celebrate my mom's 75th. And if you've ever been at a big gathering like that, a milestone birthday for a parent or a grandparent, where everybody's there, I'm willing to bet it's one of the happiest times you'll ever see him. Because it's insanely difficult to get everyone together once people turn 18. And that is what the state is saying. Your time with your family is incredibly scarce once you turn 18. Take it seriously. And you want to know one thing I'd love for you to do one way you could take it seriously? Share this episode with your siblings and your parents and your kids and your favorite niece or nephew or your cousin or your favorite aunt.

And if you're listening to my voice right now, because one of your family members sent this episode to you, the message from that person in your family to you that they wanted me to deliver is this. They miss you. They love you. This matters. So let's get a date on the calendar and let's get together, because we're going to regret it if we don't. And time is going to keep on going regardless of what we do with it. So make a date and make it happen. I told you this would be eye opening and sobering and inspiring. And that's just statistic number one about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. We still have five more statistics to unpack, all of them equally profound. The next one is very eye opening because it's about what happens to you between the ages of 20 and 60 this 40 year span. During the ages of 20 and 60, who do you think you're spending most of your time with? The answer will surprise you, and we're going to unpack it when we come back. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about six shocking statistics.

I got the graphs right here in my hand, and it's shocking statistics from a ten year study on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And this really changed a lot for me. It's a study called the American Time study. It's a ten year study, and when I first saw these six takeaways from the study, it was depressing. And then once I kind of sobered up a little bit from the depressing news, it lit a fire under my ass, and it pushed me to prioritize certain relationships while I still have the time to do it. Now, you and I have already covered takeaway number one, which is, when you turn 18, the amount of time you spend with your parents and your siblings falls right off a cliff, and then it flatlines at age 26 for the rest of your life. And if that bothers you, the message is, do something about it. This is happening not because your siblings hate you. This is happening because of how we start to spend our time as we age. There is data that explains all this, but just because this is the average, you don't have to be the average.

You got that? Good. So let's dig into the next five. Okay. And this next one is really interesting. The second key takeaway shows who you spend the most time with between the ages of 20 and 60. Any guesses? If you guessed your coworkers, bing bing, bing, bing bing. You're right. So what is the takeaway from this? Well, the takeaway is something that I believe is really important for you to grasp. It's this. The people that you work with day in and day out have a huge impact on the quality of your life, because based on research, 40 years of your life, these are the people you spend the most time with. Be choosy. It's not just about the money. If you prioritize a great work environment, which I want you to do, you're not only going to reach your financial goals, but you will also surround yourself with coworkers that create energy in your life and that help you tap into a deeper potential inside of you. See, your coworkers are a net positive or a net negative. And so I want you to think about this, because, you know, we think about work in a really selfish and narrow way.

What's my job? What's my title? How much money do I make? How do I climb the ladder? How do I get this? How do I get that? But I want you to kind of lift your head up and wake up to the fact that you're going to spend 40 years in the workforce or volunteering or doing something outside the house and the people that you are doing that with really matter. Companies are not just spreadsheets. Companies are made up of people. So pick good people. And one more thing, because I can hear you start to go, but, but, but you're not stuck with a boss. You're not stuck with a toxic coworker. You're not stuck where you're working right now. And if I ask you, name your three favorite coworkers that you've ever worked with, immediately three faces would pop into your mind. You'd immediately remember laughing in the break room or that all nighter that you pilled doing something or some other thing that you did while you're on the road for work. If I asked you, name the most toxic person you've ever worked with. Boom. Bad apple right there. Cannot stand that person.

See them coming. Duck into a cubicle. Oh, my God. Avoid them like the plague. In fact, there's research that shows that person you're thinking about, if they are festering, they can take down an entire team. It's called the bad apple effect. This is how important the people around you are in terms of influencing how you feel in your day to day life. And there's just endless research about why people leave jobs. And one of the biggest reasons why people leave a job, this comes from Gallup. Number one reason is because they can't stand the person they work for. So here are the takeaways. Do not stay in a job you hate with people you hate. Do not tell me you need the money, because the fact is, if you have this job paying you this much money, you can find another job in a better environment that also pays you that money. And I'm not hearing your excuses. I'm not hearing any of the b's that you're about to spit out that you can't make it happen. Or I live in this place, but I'm this years old, but that this is 40 years of your frickin life.

Second, if you don't like the people you're working with, be intentional about either getting out of that company or cultivating relationships with people in other departments while you're looking for another job. And finally, just like there can be a bad apple at work, be the ripe apple. Don't let the attitude of where you're working bring down your attitude, because there's always something you can do. And I want to wake you up to the fact that where you work and how you feel at work and the people that you are spending time with are going to make up 40 years of your life. And as time is passing and it's going to keep on passing, you get to choose whether you're going to be in a place that lifts you up or brings you down. And that's takeaway number two. Between the ages of 20 and 60, you spend the majority of your time with your coworkers. So get serious about where you're working. All right, let's go to the third statistic. And I'm going to warn you, the third statistic right here. Got the chart right here. This one's a little sad because it explains why you never see your friends.

I want you to reflect on your own life for a minute. Can you pinpoint the age when you really started to feel like you didn't see your friends as much? You got that age of mind. It probably doesn't surprise you when you hear that for the average person, the time you spend with friends starts to decline at the age of 21 and over the course of your twenties, you start to see less and less of your friends. And that brings us to the pivotal age of 29, where all of a sudden, the amount of time that you spend with your friends on a daily basis drops off for the rest of your life. And for most people, here's what that means. Your friends become the group that you spend the least amount of time with as you age. I'm going to say that again. For most people, as you age, friends are the group of people you will spend the least amount of time with. And if you stop and think about it, it kind of makes sense, right? I mean, just think about your own experience. You saw your friends every day in middle school and high school, or if you went to college or to trade school.

And then what happens? You graduate and maybe for a year, some of you move in together, and then exactly what the data says starts to happen in your twenties, doesn't it? Everyone starts to do what you're supposed to do. You start focusing on your own life and creating a life for yourself. Maybe you move to a different city or you have different roommates, or you take a job that takes you in a new direction, or you go to graduate school and that consumes your life. Or you meet somebody and start falling in love, and then you start to spend more time with them. And slowly but surely, it's not the same. In fact, I see our daughters going through this right now. They're 25, 23 post college, and the words they use evaporate, dispersing. Everyone I went to school with is going in different directions. And I really feel it. And based on the data, this is going to keep happening until you turn 29. And unless you do something about it, the amount of time that you're going to spend with friends after you're 29, it flatlines. Why? Well, you now know, because of takeaway number two, you're spending all that time with your coworkers.

And as you're going to learn in the next three statistics, a partner starts to enter the scene. Perhaps children, if you decide to have them, they start to enter into your world as well. But here's my message. This data is the average, but you are not average. This is what happens to people who are not paying attention, who are just letting life sweep them downstream. You can create whatever you want. In fact, you know, as I think about some of the conversations that we've had recently, you'll probably remember me saying that one of the main reasons why people get so stuck and lost in life is because they don't know what they want to. And that's why I was like, oh, my God, I have to talk to you about the American Times study. I have to share these statistics with you because I want to wake you up and make you realize that this data is reflective of what's happening in your life. And if you're feeling lonely or you've lost touch with friends and it bothers you, you don't have to live like that. If you don't want to be in a crappy work environment, you don't have to let it define your life for a decade.

If you like your family and you really want to see them and you kind of. You got to make it a priority. I'm not immune to any of this data either. I mean, I feel like my friendships evaporated. And I also feel. I don't know if you feel this way, maybe this is something that happens when you get older, but I tend to feel like the people that I like also would prefer to be in bed on a Friday night. You know, I'm the kind of person that I can text you at 09:35 p.m. and be sound asleep at 937. So having this framework and having these statistics and these graphs that you can check out and the resources, it really helped me because I'm like, oh, it's not just me. Oh, this makes a lot of sense. Oh, this is what happens in life when you're not really intentional about what you want. And so let me share a framework with you that has really helped me around friendship, because I do want to see my friends? But this framework will really simplify it. You ready? When you think about friendship, think about two p's.

And I'm talking about cultivating friendships. So you are going to be friends naturally based on the first p. And the first p is patterns. So when you have overlapping patterns in your life, you tend to become friends with people. For example, work. You show up at work every single day. That's a pattern. You tend to become friends with people at work because you have an overlapping pattern. Another one. Your kids are playing on the same sports team. There's a pattern. Another one. Maybe you've taken a pickleball and you're in the same league, or you're taking an introduction to pickleball class. There's a pattern. You can become friends with those people. You frequent the same coffee shop. There's another pattern that overlaps you with other people and makes it easier for you to become friends. Now that brings me to the second pil. You're only going to see the people and become friends with people that you prioritize. Period. End of story. Because even if you have all these patterns in your life and you bump into people at the coffee shop or at work, or you stand next to them on the sidelines, unless you prioritize it, you make a dinner date.

You invite them to a painting class at the local museum. It doesn't happen. And you don't always need to make new friends based on the patterns. Most of the people that I love and that you love, they probably don't live anywhere near you. I know it's annoying, but you've got to make it a priority to create a plan to get together once a year. That's it. Patterns prioritize. Otherwise, what? After 29, you're screwed. It drops off a cliff, and you're not going to see these people. It's happening for everybody, but it doesn't have to happen for you. So that covers the first three statistics, and there are three more incredible time truths about who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And if this last one about friends or the family is like, oh, God, that's a depressing. I don't know if I can keep listening. You better keep listening, because there's a whole lot of good news coming up. And the whole point of this conversation is for me to get you to truly stop time for a minute and ask yourself, what do I actually want? What do I want to feel in my life?

Who do I want to see in my life? Who do I want to surround myself in my life, who is a priority moving forward. And I think you're starting to get my main message loud and clear. Time is going to pass you by no matter what, you get to create what you're doing in the time that you have. So coming up, we're going to talk about what happens when you turn 29. Yes, your friendships fall off the cliff and flatline. But something else interesting happens. There's actually a person that you will be spending more and more time with for the rest of your life. And we're going to talk about who that person is when we come back. Stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. And you and I are talking about the american time study and six shocking statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. And you've already learned that at the age of 18, the time you spend with your parents and siblings drops off a cliff unless you do something about it. I hope you have already forwarded them this episode. You're probably thinking also about the fact that statistic number 240 years of your life.

You're going to spend it with your coworkers. And now you're thinking, as you're driving to work, oh, my God, I got to look for a different job. Or hopefully you're thinking, I'm the luckiest person on the planet. I work with people that I love. How cool is this? We've also just unpacked the third statistic about friendship and how friendships basically peak at the age of 18, meaning the amount of time you spend every day with them. And as you get older, it gets harder and harder and harder to spend time with friends unless you pay attention to the two p's I taught you. What are the patterns in your life? And who are you making it a priority to spend time with? Take the initiative. And I just want to remind you again that this awareness of these trends, of how you're spending time, self awareness, is the foundation of creating a better life. Because if you don't know what the issue is, you're never going to be able to solve it. And the issue is simply that we all just go through life and let time pass us by. You have the opportunity from this moment forward to be the architect of building a life that makes the most of the time that you have.

And just because these are the trends in data and these reflect what most people are experiencing, it doesn't mean that these need to be the trends in your life. And I was so personally moved by this data that I wanted to share it with you because I believe that knowing this, it will empower you to make very meaningful changes. I think everybody needs to hear this. I think everybody is struggling with this and kind of feeling it, but not really understanding the context. And to me, when I look at the stuff that we've already talked about, no wonder loneliness is an epidemic, because nobody understands why it's happening. When you see it over the course of a lifetime, in terms of the trends of how you're spending your time and who you're spending it with, you start to see, oh, oh, of course, you become lonelier unless you do something about it. And if you don't understand what's happening in the background, you think you're the problem, and you're not the problem. It's not true. The problem is that time is passing. And the more that time passes, the more you just kind of go with it.

And I want you to do the opposite. I want you to feel inspired and empowered to get intentional about how you're spending your time. Because how you spend your time is what your life is all about. And that brings me to the fourth takeaway, which is that your life partner is probably the single most important decision you will ever make. This is that statistic. At about age 29, there is a person that enters your life, or multiple people as you're dating around that you start to spend more and more and more time with as you age. And here's the thing I want you to understand. Do not rush this decision. Do not get married to someone who, you know in your gut is probably not the right person, but you kind of feel like you should do it because everybody's getting married, and you're getting to be that airy age, and you're starting to get a little worried. Do not settle. Because the time you spend with your partner increases every single year until the day of your death. And after age 60, this person that is your life partner, they really matter because it's the person you will spend the majority of your time with for the rest of your life.

And that's kind of a great test. Like, if you're dating somebody right now, don't look at the person who's standing in front of you right now, you know, with the nice car and the fake tan and the group of popular friends and the really cool profile on hinge. No. Ignore what's in the present. Close your eyes and ask yourself this. Is this person, like, at their core, is this person on the inside who I would want to be alone? With every day, day in and day out when I'm 60 and I want to remind you of the questions about naming your five favorite memories with friends or family. What do they all have in common? Those memories about your favorite friends or the people that make you laugh? The loudest memories with your siblings. They're all about how someone makes you feel. And when you are choosing a partner, dear God, focus on how they make you feel. The looks are going to fade. The friends that seem all shiny and popular, they're going to disappear into the background. You know, that happens in the twenties, and it's hard to keep up with friends as you're an adult.

But this human being and how they make you feel, this is what you're signing up for for the rest of your life. And if you're single, what we're about to talk about next is really important to embrace right now. Because the very best relationship advice I can give you about choosing a partner to do life with is to choose life with yourself first. And by that I mean do whatever you need to be doing in your day to day life right now so that you really like yourself and that you are proud of yourself as a person. You're proud of your character, you're proud of how you take care of yourself, how you talk to yourself, the way that you spend your time. Because when you get the inside right, that relationship with yourself in terms of how you feel about yourself, you're not going to be swayed by the bright, shiny, popular people. You're going to be attracted to people with true character, someone who is worth going the distance with. And that brings me to the fifth statistic about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. And it's this, that when you hit 40 years old, the amount of time that you spend alone climbs and climbs and climbs.

That means from 40 on, the number of hours per day that you are alone is going to increase those 30 years every single year from the age of 50 to 80. Based on the data, you are alone every day more often. And for most people after age 70, you're alone most of the time. Every day. Well, not me. I am going to an old person's home. You know, like one of those places that's like college for old people, back to the dorms, hanging out with people. I'm not going to sit alone in this house. But joking aside, this is a huge takeaway. And the first takeaway is I want to normalize that it is normal to find yourself spending more and more time by yourself. And for me, this can be a really positive thing, because this is not a message about you needing to look out into the future and going, oh, my God, I'm going to be alone, and I'm lonely. No, this is about the need to learn to enjoy time with yourself. Because when you're really present to being with yourself, whether you're making a cup of tea or reading a book or taking a walk in the woods, think about it.

You're not by yourself. You're with yourself. I'm with myself a lot. I'm in my car driving alone. I'm often at my house or working remote alone. I'm down in my kitchen making lunch alone. I'm heading out the door to go for a walk. And yeah, maybe Yolo and homie, my dogs may be there, but there's no other human being. I'm spending time with myself. But here's the thing, and this is what the opportunity is for you. I don't feel lonely. I enjoy spending time with myself, and that's what's available to you. And when I do start to feel like something's missing or I feel a little lonely because I have a good relationship with myself, I can see that. Oh, wow. Like a missing connection. And I can go back to the two p's, I either got to change my patterns of behavior so I start bumping into people again, or I've got to prioritize reaching out. And that almost always solves the problem. So the big takeaway here is learn how to love yourself and enjoy yourself and be kind yourself. Learn how to sign yourself up for a yoga class and take yourself to it.

Learn how to reach out to friends when you're feeling a little lonely and be the one that is doing that for yourself. Do that for yourself. Learn how to take yourself out to lunche or for a manicure. Learn how to be kinder to yourself. Learn how to find happiness in the time you spend alone, and you will enjoy the time that you have. Now, the final statistic on who you spend the most time with over the course of your life. This one is about kids, and it broke my heart. And you can probably guess what the statistic is going to say now that you know takeaway one. Remember takeaway one, which is that once you turn 18, the time that you spend on a daily basis with your parents and your siblings. Boom. Drops right off a cliff. And by the time you are in your twenties, that number has flatlined. And unless you do something dramatic, it's not changing. And here's how that translate to our final statistic, when you become a parenthood. Depending upon when you first become a parent, the majority of the time that you have with your kids will happen in your thirties and forties.

And for most of us, there is a precipitous drop that happens in your forties. As your kids enter high school and they become more and more independent. You see less and less of them. The busier they get, the less and less of them. And that's supposed to happen. I mean, they're supposed to make friends. They are supposed to go build a life of their own. And then they turn 18. A lot of them go off to college or a trade school. And here's the sad news. Based on the data, when you turn 52, that number, which is the amount of time you spend with your kid, flatlines. And that's where it stays the rest of your life. And it is shockingly similar to how little time you spend with your own parents or siblings. Now, when I first read that, I beat myself up because I'm 55 right now. That window of time is closed. It's over. My kids are launched. Oakley leaves for college in the fall, still trying to figure out where, but he's going. And if I reflect back on those zero to 18 years, I spent way too many years of their childhood working.

I was traveling for work. I missed out on so many milestones, so many sports matches, so much in person time. However, I love knowing this statistic. And here's why I'm not allowing myself to become a statistic in this regard, because here's the thing. There is something you can do. You can become more proactive about going to your kids. You can become more proactive about creating and sustaining that relationship with them as adults. Yes. The whole point of parenting is to help your children grow up and become who they're meant to be, which means your job is as a guide and a coach through life. It means helping your children understand who are they? What do they value? What are the implications of their decisions? What are their passions? Who do they want to be? And if you take that approach, that your kids are supposed to become independent human beings who are going to leave you and go build a life, that's what success looks like. You can still do that and not lose connection. And how do you do that? Well, based on every expert that's ever been on this show, it seems like the advice is the exact same do your kids feel seen?

Do they feel safe? And do they feel supported by you? Because if your kids feel seen and safe and supported by you, guess what? They're not going anywhere. And I want you to stop and think about your own experience with your parents. When you think of your fondest memories as a child, I bet it's in those moments where you felt safe or seen or supported. That's the glue. And the same is true with your kids. If I were to ask your kid, what are your fondest memories of childhood? I guarantee you at the top of the list are those moments where you made them feel safe, seen and supported. That's the secret to everything. If you have a complicated relationship with your parents or a sibling right now, I bet you feel none of those things with them. It is all about how people make you feel, and that means you have some control here, you know? And the interesting thing is that, I don't know about you, but I've found that the older that my kids get, even though they physically left, they have not left emotionally. It's like they need me more, but they need me in a different way.

They don't need me to drive them somewhere. They don't need the money. What they need is someone that they trust, somebody who they know they can go to and get the support that they need, that they can talk to run ideas, bye. To call, to laugh, to talk through an issue with. It's a different relationship. And honestly, I enjoy this part of parenting way more than when they were little. I am not the best parent for little kids, but I am. I'm loving this adult parenting thing, which, by the way, here's my secret plan. To not be a statistic. I'm going to rope my kids into business with me, because then I can turn them into my coworkers, which means I'm going to see them a ton between the ages of 20 and 60. See how you can make the data work for you or against you. It's never too late. And that's the other thing here. When you know what you're dealing with in terms of what the actual issue is, you can solve the right problem. The more that your kids or your parents or your siblings feel seen and supported, the closer you're going to be.

And by the way, it's never too late to apologize. I feel personally, like, I apologize all the time for things that I screwed up way back when or screwed up yesterday or could do a little bit better. And it doesn't weaken your relationship, it actually makes it stronger. So there you have it. Six surprising statistics about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. There are seven things that I have done this year. That have really helped me prioritize the time that I have with Oakley. And I'm going to walk you through all of these. And I'm going to warn you. Some of these sound obviously, if these seem obvious, good. It means you know what you need to do. I hope that my conversation and sense of urgency with you today makes you do it. The first thing that you need to do is you got to say it's a priority. And that's exactly what I did. I said last year. It is a priority in my life this year. To spend as much time as I can with Oakley. Because I've already missed out on too much. I'm gonna say that again.

It is a priority for me to spend as much time as I can with our son, Oakley. Before he leaves for college. Because I've already missed out on too much. I know that that ice cube has melted. And I was not there for it. But I'm gonna be there now. And I wanna break down this statement. Because this is the first step. It's kind of obvious. But there's two parts of you have to say. This is a priority. You have to do that. And I want you to stop and think right now as you're listening. Who is it for you? I'm serious. Who is the priority for you right now? If you could pick one person that was your priority this year. To make sure that you make the most of the time that you have with them this year. Who is it? Well, I've got two people, obviously. Oakley. Oakley's graduating from high school. But there's another one. My dad is turning 80 in August. And when I think about my dad being 80 years old. Both my grandfathers were dead by this time. Chris's dad died at the age of 69. So for me, this is a real priority.

Like, I have this sense that the time is slipping through my hands. And we're not going to get it back. What about you? Who's the person that you want to make a priority this year? Maybe it's your best friend. You never see them. They moved on. They have a big job or whatever. And every time you pick up the phone and call them. You're, like, we should get together. We should get together. But you never make plans. Maybe it's grandparent. That time just keeps passing. And you realize, oh, my gosh. I haven't seen my grandmother in three years. I mean, she lives halfway across the country. And she's, you know, in a retirement home. Or maybe it's your siblings. There's someone in your life that needs to become a priority. And I want to talk about the second part of that sentence, because the second part of the sentence is just important as the first part where you say, it is a priority for me to spend more time with this person. The second part of the sentence that I said is because I've already missed out on too much. This is the recognition of the water and the puddle that the melting ice cube is sitting in.

This is the part of the relationship where you left the room while the ice cube was on the counter, and time passed and you come back and, holy cow, you realize there's a lot that I missed out on. And it's so important for you to let yourself feel this second piece. What have I missed out on by allowing myself to be too busy? And I really want you to drop in and feel this because it's important and it's uncomfortable, and there's a reason why. And I want to unpack this a little bit. It's because when you think about all the things that you missed out on, you're of course going to feel bad. But I want to explain what that feeling is, that tension, that time that has passed, the things that you missed out on, like the things that I've missed out on with our son. You know what that is? That's Griefendez that you're feeling. And the thing that's beautiful about grief is that grief is just all the love that you have for a person that you haven't expressed or you didn't get a chance to express. And it's an expression of love.

And I want you to sit with that for just a second and really think about what have you missed out on. And it's a powerful motivational force when you really tap into that. Wow, I'm kind of bummed that this happened because I really love this person. I feel that way about my parents all the time. They live a 16 hours drive from here, and I have a lot of grief about how much of my life has gone by without seeing them all the time. And it's important for you to feel this because it is a motivational force to get you to wake up and take this seriously, because I think, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Mel, times passing, yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. But we're too cavalier about this. And when I sit in the grief of what I've missed out on, for me, there's a lot. I mean, boy, um, particularly with our daughters, because if I think back, I was the only breadwinner in our household when our daughters were in middle school and high school. I mean, I. I was responsible for earning the money. And the thing is, is it wasn't just to pay the bills.

We were so in debt. I felt this extraordinary amount of pressure to keep working, not to slow down. I. I felt like I had zero freedom to say no to anything, to have any boundaries with work whatsoever. And so I not only left the room, I was gone while that ice Cube was melting. Because somebody needed to pay the lacrosse fee, somebody needed to pay the car payments. Somebody needed to pay for the 8th grade Washington, DC field trip that so many public high school students go on. I missed my daughter Sawyer's entire varsity lacrosse season. I missed the majority of our daughter Kendall's varsity field games. And there was a time, even not so long ago, when I was living separately from Oakley and Chris because they had moved up to southern Vermont and it was in the middle of the pandemic and I had to stay in Boston in order to keep the company afloat. So I also missed out on like two and a half years of living with Oakley and Chris and being part of his day to day high school, even though it was mostly remote. And I bet if you're a working parent or a working grandparent, or you're really busy in your job and you never see your parents, you're probably nodding along, right?

If you're that grandparent who lives really far away from your kids and you don't get to just show up at the soccer games, you're like, yeah, I feel this, Mel. I feel this deep in my heart. If you're the parent that has been, like, just slugging away, trying to pay the bills, my God, like, it's, what are you going to do? I get it. And you're probably thinking about this, and you're also thinking about how it relates to your parents as they're getting older. And the reason why I want you to think about these things that you missed out on from a place of grief is so that you tap into the love that you have for people. I don't want you to feel guilty about what you needed to do because it's not going to make you want to change if all you're doing is making yourself wrong. And besides, if you're making yourself wrong about what you did in the past, is that going to change it? No. But when you reframe this feeling as grief that it's just the love, like that you didn't get to express physically. It will fuel the motivation that you have to change and to wake up right now and to start to take this seriously.

In fact, research says that grief and regret can be really good when you use it to motivate yourself to change behavior in the future. So that's the first thing I want you to say it out loud. I want you to have right now the person or the two people that you're really going to prioritize this year. And then I want you to just sit just for a minute with that grief. I want you to think about the things that you weren't there for, the things that maybe you missed out on because you got really busy or you had a ton of stuff that you needed to do, or life just happened, it's okay. But now what are we going to do about it? Because here's the second tool. I'll tell you what you're going to do about it. You're going to tell people, you cannot keep this a secret buried in your heart. And, you know, just for background, like a lot of you, I traveled for work. And when I wasn't on the road for work, I would be on Zoom calls after dinner or on phone calls on the side of the soccer matches.

I've been the one that's been late to the parent teacher conferences, if I made them at all. I had never been in a position to be the person that was the sports team parent. I'd never been the homeroom parent. You know, I took 95% of my energy in the past and just aimed it all at paying off our debt, paying our mortgage. And it was that way for a really long time. And I just felt like I didn't have the bandwidth or the flexibility to do the things that I really wished I. I would have been able to do. And maybe you don't either. Maybe you don't either. And I need you to hear that. It doesn't make you a bad parent. The fact is, I didn't feel like a bad parent back then when I was constantly working, because I knew that what I was doing mattered, and I knew that it was a way that I could support my family. And I just tried hard to work on being there in other ways. But there was something inside of me. Just recently when I saw this study, the american time study, and I stopped and I truly reflected on this statistic.

Holy cow, this is it for me. Like, this is it. This is my last kid in high school. This is the last year of high school. I'm not missing out on a chance to be a bigger part of his high school life. And that doesn't mean any drastic changes. And this is the good news. It's not like I quit my job. It doesn't mean I changed a thousand things. But I did do a few little things. And it started with first saying, this is a priority because I'm not going to miss out on anything more. And the second thing is, I got very vocal, and this is a big change for me. Like, I had to tell Chris, I had to tell Oakley. I had to tell everybody that I work with that this is a priority not to miss out on all the things that I've been missing out on. This is a priority to not be working on the weekends. This is a priority to stop working certain days at 03:00 to be sure that I can be there. I'm doing the same thing with my parents. I mentioned earlier that I don't want the time to slip through my hands with my dad.

You know what's funny about my parents is turns out my parents haven't been waiting for my call. Every time I call them, you know, I'm like, I want to see you guys more. Let's make a plan. They're busy. They're getting their haircuts and doing mahjong and playing golf. And I keep saying, we doing something for your 80th dad. My dad's like, I don't want a surprise. I don't know. I might do something with the golf guys. It's okay, you know, I don't want to do this. I'm like, okay, okay. You got to tell the people that are a priority to you that you're going to do something different this year, that you're gonna take the lead. And here's one other thing that I need you to do. You know, that person that you had in mind that you're like, okay, I gotta make them a priority. Whether it's one of your kids, whether it's a sibling, whether it's a parent. I want you to share this episode with them and just send it to them in a little text. Just, you know, forward them this episode and say, this really made me think about you, and I want to see you, and I'm gonna make it a priority, and I'm gonna call you later, and we're gonna make a plan.

I love you. Okay? So why don't you do that? Share that with the person in your life that you want to make the most of the time that you have with. And we're going to take a quick break so you can hear a word from our sponsors. And when we return, I've got five more things that I did that is helping me make the most of the time that I have with someone that I love. And you're going to love them. So don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And we're talking about how time with your loved ones is like a melting ice cube. And I'm sharing the seven things that I'm doing to be more present with my son, Oakley, before he graduates from high school this year. And my husband and I are empty nesters. So I just shared the first thing that I did, which is I actually said, this is a priority because I have already missed out on too much, and I want you to do that, too. This is a priority because I've already missed out on too much.

Second thing I want you to do, say it out loud and tell everybody. Okay? Tell everybody. And it's important that you make this declaration that this is a commitment that you have for yourself this year because you love this person. And so that brings me to the third thing that I did that I want you to do. Put it in the calendar. You got to mark the date. And here's what I mean by that, because there's a few steps. Okay. You need to mark the dates in the calendar because if you're just thinking about it, it's not real. Okay. Putting something in the calendar makes it real. It makes it a priority. So the first thing that I did with Oakley, because even though I told him, like, dude, I am going to show up differently this year, I want to be a big part of your senior year of high school. I don't want to miss out on this time with you. He's like, mm hmm. Okay. Yep. All right. Sounds good. He's got a life to live. This is not his obligation to change. It's mine. And so I printed out the school calendar, and as soon as I got all the sports calendars, I got the ski season calendar, the ultimate Frisbee calendar.

Here's what I did. I put it in my work calendar. See, typically, I would keep my personal calendar and my business calendar separate. But if you want to make something a priority or someone a priority, put it in the calendar. That's actually a priority for you. Because whether you make it to the sports game or not, the fact that every single game, home and away, is not in the personal calendar, it's actually sitting right there in the work calendar. It keeps it front and center. Just a dumb little change like that. That tiny little tweak of intentionality. Because again, they're not changing. You are. I made it to more sporting events than I had ever made before. I'm so proud of that. And I know it sounds kind of lame, but for all my working parents out there and for those of you that have missed out on a lot of time, you know what a big deal this can be. And something interesting also happened. See, Chris has always been the first call parent in her household. Meaning he's the first number. He's always the contact for the sports teams. And since I've been traveling and working so much, people are not used to seeing me around.

But since I'm now showing up, since I've making this a priority, I'm not letting this ice cube melt. For the first time ever, I'm like really in the loop about what's going on. And you're going to find that that's true, too. And in fact, I had this super cool experience. This might sound dumb to you, but it was like a highlight of my life so far with Oakley, which is a bunch of parents. And I snuck onto the high school bus before a huge alpine ski team race. And they were going off to some regional thing. And we decorated that bus. It looked like a bunch of strippers were going to come onto that thing. Because I went in to the decoration aisle at Walmart. I made up for ten years of having that ice cube melt. I bought out every piece of tinsel, every streamer, every. You know what I bought? The chalk markers. I colored every window. I decimated that bus with decorations. And I felt so bad that I even gave the driver a Dunkin donuts gift card and some cash and a couple extra garbage bags because he refused to take our offer to have him like, get some help to have it cleaned up.

And let me tell you something. When Oakley got onto that bus, he texted me and said, you wouldn't believe what the parents did. And I said, dude, I was part of it. And he was shocked. Absolutely shocked and thrilled you did. This is unbelievable. And it was so freaking cool. Again, is it the biggest thing? No. You may do this all the time, but to me, this was a really big deal. And until you make something a priority, you're going to keep missing out on this stuff. And you know, when it comes to my parents. Cause I've shared that my dad's turning 80. And I am very, very aware that that ice cube is melting. You know, here's the fact. They live over 16 hours for me. I'm not driving there, they're not driving here. And, you know, I realize that we are together two to three times a year maximum. And so when it comes to my parents, how do you do that in the calendar? Well, it's critical because Oakley lives with me and he's super busy and I barely see him and he's a senior in high school and he doesn't want to hang out with his mom.

And so it's my job to insert myself somehow into his life. Same thing's true with my parents. Just because they're 80 and retired doesn't mean it's their job to make sure our relationships amazing. And here's the truth. Like you maybe experience in your life, my parents are 16 to 18 hours away from me. I'm not driving all the way to Michigan. They're not driving all the way here. And the older that my kids get and the older that my nephews get, the harder it is to get everybody together. And I realize, you know, if I really think about it, at this point, we only get together in terms of my brother and his wife and their two kids and Chris and I and our three kids and my two parents. We only get together two to three times a year maximum at this point. And as our daughters are getting older and they're entering the workforce, it's getting harder and harder and harder. And so the calendar is essential and you cannot underestimate how important this is. In fact, you know, we started planning my dad's 80th birthday celebration almost two years in advance. Why?

Because we're trying to coordinate twelve people. And if you don't get ahead of everybody's schedules, it's not happening. And I think that's important to understand. Everybody's busy. I don't care if you're retired, if you're twelve years old. And that's why getting it in the calendar and getting serious about this is how you mark these dates. Because if you don't mark the date, it's not happening. If you don't put it in the calendar, it's not real. And so, you know, on this theme of it's not their job, it's your job, the time is going to pass. And if it's a priority to you, you got to figure out how to fit in to what they're doing. And so another way to use your calendar is I've put a little alarm in my calendar. Again, not personal, in work to call my parents twice a week. And that way I use my calendar to make sure I'm marking dates so that the time is not passing without doing my part. Because again, if it's not in the calendar, it's not happening. And that brings me to the fourth thing that I've done. Okay. As you're starting to make your plans and you're starting to mark your dates, I just want to underscore this, because I've been hinting at this.

This whole thing is not about other people reciprocating the effort you're putting in. Because here's the huge headline. You're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. That ice cube that's their life. As it's melting, you realize you want to be a part of it. You don't want to miss out on it. So don't make the mistake of expecting everyone to just drop their plans because you want to come into town. And this is a really, really important note because I think, you know, if I'm being brutally honest with myself and with you, I think particularly with my parents, we got into a little bit of a tit for tat kind of thing. You know, where you kind of go, well, you got to come to me, or you got to come to me, or, well, the kids are busy, so why would I come if they're going to be busy running around and I'm not even going to get to see them? And then in that sort of tit to tat, who's doing more, who's making more of an effort, and you find yourself in a little bit of a standoff. A little bit.

I think you know what I'm talking about. A little bit of a friction, a little bit of tension there. You know what happens during those years? Lots of melting. And this is an important note for me to remind myself of because the fact is, Oakley's going through the last days of high school. His top priority is not time with his mother. He wants to see his friends. He doesn't want to drop his weekend plans because his mother has nothing to do. And look, I know you're going to jump through a bunch of hoops like when you just race out of work at 03:00 so you can get home, so you can be there for something. And you fight traffic and you have all this stress around it. You make this herculean effort and your kids don't even, like, want to hang out with you. It sucks. And it's also the reality. And I realize that when you fly across country and you make time to spend with your family because, you know, your parents are getting older and it's like, okay. It's not everything that you thought it would be. That's okay. What you need to keep reminding yourself is you're doing this because this is the kind of person that you are.

You're showing up because it matters for you. And you've got to figure out how to insert yourself into what's already going on. And I'll give you a great example, like, because I'm always trying to find time where I can get Oakley trapped into a car, right? Because I figure if we're in a cardinal, then he's going to have to talk to me. So I was so excited when we were going on college tours recently to check out some of the schools that he's considering. And I thought, oh, my gosh, it's going to be like the best. We are going to be in the car for hours and then we're going to get to tour these colleges and then on the drive home, we're going to get all this stuff that we're going to be able to talk about. Oh, my gosh, I can't wait. That is not what happened. Are you kidding? We get up at the crack of dawn, he brings a pillow. He sleeps the entire drive to the college. We get into the tour and he wants me to not be standing next to him. He's like four paces ahead of me because of course I'm embarrassing him.

And if I ask a question, he shoots me a look. And then we get back in the car and we drive home. And you know what he does? He sticks his earbuds in and listens to an audiobook. Not exactly the massive, profound bonding experience. But I don't care. I don't care because I got to be there. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. And I call my parents all the time and I say, hey, do you guys want to come out? Like, I'd be happy to buy an airplane ticket. We'd love to see you. And they're like, oh, my gosh, we're so busy, but you can come here. You're just kind of chuckling, aren't you? If this matters to you, stop doing the tit for tat. Stop waiting for people to drop everything and be thrilled that you showed up. It's important because it's important to you. It's important because you're the kind of person that shows up and that's all you need to know. And the other thing that you need to know is we have some amazing sponsors to the Mel Robbins podcast. So I want to take a quick break so they can tell you all about the awesome things that they can do.

And while you're on this break, send this to somebody that you love. And if you're listening and it's your parents that you miss, you know, maybe you're working in a city and you're starting your career, and you're thinking, oh, my God, I've spent 90% of the time that I have already with my parents. I only have 10% of time left, and every year it's going to be less, and I miss my mom. And they're, like, the coolest. Send this to them and tell them that this made you think about them and how much you love them and that you just wanted them to know. I promise you, it will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine. And when we come back, we're not done yet because we're just getting started with some of the small things that create amazing moments with the people that you love. So stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And you and I are talking about how to make the most of the fleeting time that you have with the people that you love. And you just heard about how making these plans is something that you're doing for you.

And when you keep that in mind, it'll keep your ego and your frustration in check, and you will be able to show up and make the effort and be present and lower your expectation for how it actually goes. You know, let them, because you know that this is about letting me take responsibility for making the most of the time that I have. So I feel really good about how I spent it. And that leads me to the fifth thing that I did that has made a huge difference, that I want you to steal. And I've been alluding to it, okay? Which is really, think not about how do I get someone to make plans with me or agree to plans, but how can I fit into someone's life? How can I do this in a way that doesn't disrupt what they're doing that's convenient to them? And I think we make this mistake a lot, that we think that we got to plan something big, right? That in order for it to be meaningful, we got to go away somewhere. We got to find a weekend. We got to do something profound that's going to take hours and hours and hours.

The truth is, that's not how you do it. You have to figure out how to become more present in someone's day to day life. Because if you make the mistake of thinking, okay, I'm going to plan for my dad's 80th. What you need to do, you need to, you need to put that in the calendar or else it's not going to get organized. But the bigger way to not have that experience of walking out of the room when the ice cube's intact and walking back in and it's fully gone is to figure out how to stay in the room in tiny little ways. And so here's a couple things that I've thought about as it relates to Oakley. Yeah, I can be in the car with him as we're driving to certain things. And that's a way to be present with him. But this has been a remarkable tip, which is think about the person and what their life is like. And Oakley, being a senior in high school, he just wants to be with his friends. I mean, this is the last time he's gonna be with his friends. This is the last summer of his high school year.

This is all happening before he goes off to college. And so, given that he just wants to be with his friends, why don't I use that to my advantage? Instead of making him choose between me and his friends, why don't I, like, make them part of the deal? Like, just think about it. I'm more likely to get him home for dinner if I text him and two friends. Hey, sully. Hey, Noah. I'm making steaks on Friday. Why don't you guys all come on over for dinner? They'll respond faster than Oakley will. Oh, yeah, Mel, I'll be there now. Boom. I not only have my son, but I've got his friends. And now because his friends are there, he's not going to be sitting there silently at dinner, just not wanting to talk. They're going to be chirping like birds. And so think about how to make it more welcoming for your kids friends or for their significant other. And let me give you another example. So one of Oakley's favorite things to do after school or after, like sports, is having dinner. And then he goes right up to his room and he takes a shower.

And then he parks himself in front of the video game monitors and he pops on his headset and he just hangs out with his friends and they play Fortnite and all these other games. I don't know what other games are playing right now. And look, if I were upset about that because he's not spending time with me. I would be trying to make him choose between something he wants to do right now and hanging out with his friends versus having a conversation with his mother in the living room. I mean, please. I'd be playing video games with my friends, too. But here's what I can do. I can take my coffee and I can walk up to his bedroom and I can knock on the door and I can walk in and I can pull up a chair and I can sit off screen so I don't embarrass him that, you know, his mom is sitting there and hanging out while he's playing. I'm just showing interest. I'm in the room where the ice cube is. And look, he may get killed a couple extra times because I'm kind of distracting. But it's a way to be in their life instead of trying to get them to make plans that take them out of their life.

It's such a subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to insert yourself. The same is true with your parents. Don't make them change their plans. Go to them. Don't make them call you. Call them. I know they're retired. I know they got more time than you do. But for God's sakes, get out of the tit for tat and stop thinking. It's got to be big. It actually needs to be really small because when it's really small, you can fit it into your day to day life and it keeps you in the room with the ice cube. And that slows down this feeling that things are melting. And here's the 6th thing that I did. I got very serious about being present. And here's how I did that. You know, I talk a lot on the podcast about being where your feet are. And this is particularly true if you're going to stay in the room with the ice cube and you're going to insert yourself into their life. And one of the ways that you can be more present. This is a huge thing that I've been super intentional about, and it's made a big, big, big difference in my time with Oakley is, as I'm aware, that I'm not going to let time slip through my hands.

You want to know what I don't have in my hands? My phone. And this is something that has helped me this year in feeling like I'm not letting the time that I have passed through my hands, like, just fly right through. And here's what it is. Being where my feet are not having my phone in my hand when I'm trying to be in the room with Oakley. See, the old Mel, I. It took everything I could just to get to the sporting event when our daughters were playing, right? So if I actually made it there, I was that parent on the sidelines who was buried in my phone. I was like sending emails and then all of a sudden all the parents around me would cheer and I'd be like, what happened? Who scored? And if the kids were like, did you see me score? Like, yeah, yeah. Great play, great play. And I missed the whole thing. I would be the one that would step out of the bleachers to take a phone call near the end zone. I'd be pacing back and forth, trying to wave, trying to make eye contact to get credit for being there.

But was I there physically? But I was checking a box. I wasn't actually present watching the game. I was working remote at my kid's game. Not the same thing. And I'm not saying that to make you or me wrong because it was a herculean effort just to get there. And that was enough at that point. But that's not good enough for me right now. So I make it a point to be where my feet are and to not have my phone in my hand. If Chris is at the sporting game, I leave my phone in the car because I can use his phone to take photos if I want to take photos. But if I'm going to the game and nobody's there, that phone is either in the car or in my pocket, period. Same thing with being home at night. And this is a huge tip about being more present to the time that you have. Your phone is destroying your ability to be present. Your phone is robbing you of time. Your phone is like a torch blower on that ice cube because you are giving all of your attention and time to the damn phone instead of being present with the people in the room.

And I know what you're about to say. You're about to put my kids around my phone. But the but the but the but. Well, you're on your phone too. You're on your phone too. Why would they not be on their phone? And so one of the things that I have done to be where my feet are is that at night it's very hard to reach me. My team will tell you, like, it's very, very hard to reach Melanore from like six to 08:00 at night. And I'll tell you why. Because I don't have my phone on my person, it is literally plugged in in my bathroom, or it is plugged in in my office upstairs above the garage. And the reason why I don't have my phone on me is because I want to be physically present in the same room. Even if my son is on his phone or listening to something, I want to make sure that I'm there, not because I'm doing it for him, but because I'm doing it for me. And if I'm being, again, brutally honest, this used to be a huge issue with me and my mom because I would make an effort to go spend time with them.

But I was on my phone and I was working the whole time I was there, and I was doing everything that I could to try to fulfill the obligations at work and also be a good daughter. But it came to a head one year when I called my mom and I said, hey, I want to come down and see you and dad, but I only have, like, a day and a half. Like, I'm going to fly in between one speech and then fly out. My mom said, don't bother coming. I was like, what? And she said, I would rather not see you. Then have you come and have you be working on your laptop or sitting on your phone and having me just feel like you're squeezing me in the. Wow. And you know what? She's right. And she has every right to say that. And if that's you in your life, I'm not making you wrong. I'm not making you wrong. Cause I've been there. And if you are dying for more quality time with somebody in your life, and they're always working or they're always on the phone, maybe you need to say what my mom said to me, because I'll tell you what, it was a wake up call.

Wait a minute. You'd rather I not come? Then I make a herculean effort and work all the time, but I can be present. But see, this is the thing. Is it about the quantity of time that you're spending there or the quality of time? And I'm asking you to ask yourself this because these are the questions I'm asking myself as I look at these melting ice cubes in my life, and I get very clear that this is a huge priority for me. And that brings me to the final thing. I keep telling myself, it's not too late. It's not too late, period. And I want you to understand that simply making it a habit to start to reach out and check in on people that you love is that is enough to start to take control of this. You know, the research shows that you underestimate the profound power of receiving a simple text from a friend that you haven't heard from in a while. In fact, this morning I woke up and I got out of bed and there was a video on my phone from my friend Anna. And I haven't seen Ann in a month, or, gosh, might have been two months.

Like, we text occasionally, but there was a video from her and it was hilarious because she was like, how's your book going? I know you're writing a book and writing a book. And she was singing this little song and she's going on a walk and she's like, get the book written. Get the book written. Cause I miss you. Let's make a plan. I love you. It's hilarious. And so you know what I did? I sang her a song back on video while I was literally still in my pajamas and I hadn't even brushed my teeth and I had my retainer in the. And it makes me feel closer to her. Just that one connection. And one of the things that we've done in our extended family that has really made a significant difference in the last couple of years is we've created an extended family group chat. And I know that your family probably has a group chat. So do we, you know, with you and your kids or you and your immediate family. And I guarantee you it's probably 90% logistics, right? You run at the grocery store, you let the dog out, you.

Well, our extended family, which is my brother and his family, they live outside of Chicago. My parents, they're in Michigan and sometimes in Florida. Our kids, so some of us are in Vermont. Our daughter, Sawyer, was in Asia. Our other daughter's in LA. We have this family group chat with twelve of us in it. And. Hilarious name. It's active every day. And you want to know how it started? It started thanks to wordle, that little word puzzle game in the New York Times. See, during the pandemic, we started sharing our wordle, like, what are they called? Responses. You know, like when you do the game and then it shows you how many you got or what you didn't get. So we just started like casually sharing them. And it is spun into this incredible way to stay connected, to be in the room with each other, so to speak, at least virtually. And. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother and my sister in law, my husband and I are the ones that truly keep it going. But the kids chime in. They're cute pictures of dogs. There's photos of the water polo matches in Chicago with my nephews playing.

There's pictures from Sawyer in Asia. There's a text there from Kendall, recording sessions and music in LA. There are fun memes. There are lots of hearts, you know, of the things that the adults are posting by my. And I am shocked by how much closer I feel to everyone because if I'm kind of seeing their names and seeing photos, most days, I don't have that sensation of leaving a room and walking back in and being surprised by how much time has passed. Again, it's a simple way to stay in the room that someone's in and insert yourself into their life and what they're already doing. And so now that you have someone in mind, because remember, at the very beginning, I said, you have to make this a priority. Who is the person for you? Create a group. Chat with a bigger group around that person and that group of friends or that extended family. And by the way, if you're sitting here and you're saying, but it is too late, the ice cube has not only melted, it's gone. That the person that you wished you had more time with has died like Chris's dad did, don't pummel yourself with regret about all the time that has slipped through your hands.

The love that you didn't get to express while they're still here, you still feel all that love, and here's what you can do with it. Name the person who's still in your life and make them a priority right now. Use this life lesson to get serious about spending time with the person who's still here. And you know what makes us melting ice cube metaphor really profound? It's that my friend Dave who shared it with me passed away really suddenly last year. Just another painful reminder that life does pass you by, that the ice cube is melting, that your life is finite, and so is the time that you have with the people that you love. So hug your kids every single chance you get. And if your parents are still here, hug them, too, because you can't stop the ice cube from melting, but you can recognize that it is, and now you can do something about it. And I hope you do.

I had two habits that were always a telltale sign for something's wrong in Mel's life. I would rearrange the furniture in the house, and I would spend money that I didn't have. It was almost like a way to pretend my problems weren't real. And we do the exact same thing with booze, by the way, we do the exact same thing with food, by the way, that reaching for something that you know isn't good for you becomes the pattern that you repeat.

When you feel like.

When you feel like you have no power, when you feel like things are out of control, when you feel down on yourself, you reward yourself with those things temporarily. And so, again, write down your goals. So what are the boundaries with money? What do you need to make? What do you want to put away? Be realistic in the beginning so that you can achieve it.

Figure out what you need to do.

In terms of if you were actually doing that. I've always wanted a six pack, and.

I don't have it, and I don't.

Know and I've never had it. And when I finally stopped complaining about it, when I got honest about what.

It was going to require, oh, I'm.

Dead serious, dead serious about this. At my, you know, at 49, with my affinity for alcohol and my love of carbs and my distaste for exercise, I have a small problem on my hands if I want a six pack. So if you were to go forward, right, and think, okay, well, if a year from now I had a six pack, what would, what would that actually, what would my day to day life look like?

Whew.

And you can get very clear that you're not committed to that. And then you can stop beating yourself.

Up for the you never intend on doing.

Right. So what I realized is I can spend four minutes a day in a hotel room or in my bedroom doing planks, and my arms look great, and everybody else will think the rest of.

My body's in shape, and we're good. We're good. Yes.

It works like a charm. So you might want to get honest with yourself. Like, instead of doing this.

Really? I want to be a millionaire. I want to be this. Do you really?

Because you can make it happen.

You actually can.

Look at all the idiots that are making money. You can make money, but you're going to have to roll the clock forward just a year and say, okay, if I'm able to put $1,000 a month against my debt, I'm able to make x amount of dollars a month. I'm able to put x amount of dollars in savings. What do I need to be doing a year from now to make that happen? And what are those habits that are there a year from now that I.

Don'T have right now?

And then roll yourself back to this moment, just like I explained with exercise. Do I actually not want to have a Manhattan tonight?

Nope.

Did I want to go to the gym today.

Nope.

Did I, am I, am I willing to not eat what I ate for breakfast?

Nope.

Am I willing? I did my first minutes. My arms are looking really good.

But.

So bring it back. And then you will have the formula for pivoting at any moment. You time travel forward a year, you investigate the patterns that you have that are giving you the result that you want, and then you back your ass up to right here, right now and you decide, am I willing to do this? Now, if I'm willing, then 54321 through the excuses that are going to be.

There when you're trying to override your.

Operating system, that's how you do it. Or you have the reality check like I had, which is, oh, I just like to b, I don't intend on changing. So why don't we get this off the plate and let's focus on the things that I am actually committed to.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Bye.