It would be weird if your resting state weren't fight or flight. And it's why you feel emotionally drained. It's why you find yourself crying and you can't understand why. It's why you feel so exhausted. It's why if one thing goes wrong in the day, that the teacher's got COVID and now your kid can't go in, it feels like, I just got to throw in the... I can't handle this anymore. And your nervous system system has done the equivalent of you sitting in your car in park and flooring the gas. It's just been revved for 18 months. One of the tools in this book is, I call it high-fiving your heart. And you take your hands and you put it on your heart. And I got big heads, so I don't even do this. Yeah. It doesn't matter where you grab your boob. You can do whatever, but just press right here on your chest. And this works with your kids, too. Now we're going to take a deep breath, and then you're going to say these three sentences. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm loved. Now say those three sentences again, you two.

I'm okay. I'm safe. I am loved. What do you feel? I feel more relaxed. But Mel, what if some people don't feel like they're loved? Who are they loved from? Themselves. So here's the thing. If you can say those things and you can hear it, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. If you can think it and you can hear it in your mind, in this moment, it's true. We had a woman write to us from a domestic violence shelter, and she said, I've had tremendous childhood trauma. I've been in a severely abusive relationship. I have just escaped. I'm starting over. I have nothing. I have a long road ahead. But this simple tool of the high five habit of high fiving my reflection in the mirror every morning and high fiving my heart every day as a way to start my day, grounded back in my body and settling my nervous system is telling me something important. I still have myself. I can have my own back. And the reason why this high five to your Where it works is because of science. See, when you press right here, you're pressing against what's called the vagus nerve.

The vagus nerve is a treasure in your body, and it runs from your seat all the way through every major organ and your vocal cords into the top of your head. And when you press on it like this and you say those words, what happens is the vagus nerve is basically like an on-off switch, and it's the on-off switch between your two nervous systems. One nervous system is your fight or flight nervous system. We call that the sympathetic nervous system. The other nervous system, which is your calm, grounded, resting nervous system, which is where we want you to start every day, that is called the parasympathetic nervous system. When you simply put your hands here and press against the vagus nerve and you say those three sentences, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved, over and over and over again until you feel grounded, you are turning off the nervous system that is stressed out and turning on the nervous system that helps you stay grounded as you go through your day, as you support your family. Do you have to say it out loud or could your kids do it if they're having a panic attack?

I feel like that would help too.

Yeah, absolutely. And get them to do it. And then you can put your hands on them and one on their back so that you've got them and have them practice it because now you're teaching them a skill they can use anywhere at any time that they feel that rush of anxiety that a lot of people feel. And so So what is so exciting about this book, and you said it, what if you feel like you've got nobody? You're alone, you're a single mom, you've gotten divorced from some scumbag who's now dating the babysitter. Life is just imploded. You're not where you're meant to be. You literally feel like you fucked it all up. You're overwhelmed. You're beating yourself up. You need the high five habit. And so let me explain how this thing works, because on the surface, the high five habit in terms of high fiving yourself in the mirror every morning sounds so cheesy that I don't want you to dismiss the extraordinary, life-changing, profound science here and the chance that you've got to fundamentally change how you see yourself. I am so passionate about this. This has been the single biggest breakthrough I've ever had in my entire life.

And so I'm going to explain what happened. So we all have, literally, a couple of weeks after I saw you guys, the world shuts down, and we all have that moment. And this is not a pandemic book at all. But the way I discovered the high five habit was during a moment in the pandemic, about three weeks after you and I saw each other. So within those three weeks of you and I taping that first interview that we did, my show gets canceled. I get fired from my dream job. And so my immediate reaction when they find COVID-19 in CBS Broadcast Center and they cancel the show, boom, I'm fired from the dream job of hosting my own daytime talk show. I immediately have this feeling, are you fucking kidding me? I am 51 fucking years old, and I have to reinvent my life again? Seriously? Mel, you know what's ironic as you say that? We had a deal with a major network on that exact same premise, and COVID hit, and the contract got ripped up, and everyone that was celebrating was like, Sorry, you're out. S-o-l. What you are. And I think everyone has a moment where they were like, I was there, and it got taken away from me because of the world.

Completely. And then, My publisher canceled the contract for a book that I had been working on, not this book. And they should have canceled it because I was a year late in delivering a manuscript. But still, they wanted money back that I had already spent. And then every single speech that I had booked for a year, started boom, boom, boom, boom, canceling. And I found myself in this freefall. And look, my origin story, as everybody knows from listening to the first podcast, is 13 years ago, my husband and I were nearly a million dollars in debt, and I was drinking myself into the ground because I was paralyzed. So this moment was triggering all those old fears. I'm about to lose everything again. Now, on top of it, there were none of these bailout loans loans for small businesses. So I'm like, how the fuck am I going to make payroll? How am I going to take care of the 11 people and families that work for me? And then on top of that, and everybody that listens to you can understand this, my kids were in crisis. College had imploded. They were home. They were grieving.

They were pissed off. They were frustrated. They were sad. There was a tsunami of emotions. And so for the first three weeks, and yeah, were there blessings from COVID? Of course, I'll never get that time again with our adult kids, ever. It was a huge blessing in so many ways. Did it change my business? Of course. I never would have discovered the high five habit. But that said, those first few weeks was horrendous. I don't think I changed out of my pajamas. I started drinking Bloody Maries at 11:00 in the morning. We did nothing but watch Harry Potter and Glee episodes, as a family for three weeks straight. One morning, I I wake up and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. And you may feel this right now listening to us. You may feel like, I can't do another school year like this. I can't work from home and have the kids under my feet. I can't handle one more thing. That's how I felt that morning. And so I use the five-second rule, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and I rolled out of bed. And then I made my bed.

And that morning, I made it so I wouldn't crawl back into it. And I dragged myself to the bathroom, and I'm standing there in my underwear, and I'm brushing my teeth, and I catch my reflection in the mirror. And I think, Oh, my God. You look like hell. And then I started to pick myself apart. The dark circles under my eyes, the gray hair coming in, how saggy my neck had gotten, one boob is hanging lower than the other. And then, of course, once you start going down that road, your whole attitude sucks. And then I'm beating myself up. I'm like, Why did I get up so late? And I got eight minutes for my first Zoom. How the hell am I going to get ready in time? And the dog sitting at my feet, and he still needs to be rocked. And I hadn't responded to that text. And I start ticking off all the things I hadn't done and all the things that I was overwhelmed by. And as I saw the woman staring back at me in the mirror, I actually felt sad for Now, here's the interesting thing. If either one of you had walked into my bathroom that morning, I would have been able to spin on a dime and say, Kat, Nat, I know it's not fair that they canceled your shirt.

I know you have worked so hard. You don't deserve this. I know this is overwhelming, but if anybody can handle it, you can. I would have been able to give you what you needed to feel your spirit lift. But standing there without a bra on and not even with a cup of coffee yet, I couldn't think of a fucking thing to say to myself. And besides, I don't think I would have believed it because the pep talk wouldn't have matched how I actually felt, which was defeated. And I don't know what came over me because it sounds so pathetic. But standing there in my underwear, I literally raised my hand and high-fived the woman I saw in the mirror because she needed it. And here's the thing. Lightning didn't strike. My whole life didn't change in that moment, but something shifted. I felt my shoulders drop. I felt my chin lift. I actually laughed because it's so stupid. You're high-fiving yourself in the mirror. And my mood shifted. And I felt like, okay, now, come on. You got this, Mel. And I sent myself into the day feeling a little better. Now, it was the second morning where things really shifted.

So I wake up, 5:4, 3, 2:1. I get out of bed. I make my bed, and I start walking to the bathroom. And this is where things get profound, you two. And especially for our daughters, this is profound. As I started walking to the bathroom, I had this experience that I've never had in my entire life, and it's this. You know how when you're walking to meet a friend, and you're about to walk into a cafe, and you're about to see somebody you really like, How do you feel? Excited? Yeah. Excited. I actually felt that about seeing myself. In the 53 years that I've been alive. I don't think I've ever been excited to see the human being, Mel Robbins. I've been excited to see what an outfit might look like or excited to see what my eye shadow color might look But to see me, the human being? Never. Because I have a habit, and so does everybody on the planet, of dreading seeing myself, of standing before the mirror and criticizing myself, hating on myself, or ignoring myself. And so that second morning, as I finish brushing my teeth, and when you practice this, I want you to practice it right after you brush your teeth, because when you stack a a new habit with one that you already do, it's easier for your brain to learn it.

And so when you put your toothbrush down, I want you to take a moment and just be with yourself because you never do this. And it's uncomfortable because you're used to ignoring yourself. So many women, 91 % of women, do not like how they look. And so many women have written to me about the fact that whether it's body dysmorphia or just a lifetime of criticism, They can't even look at themselves in the mirror. And so be with your sofa a second. And then I want you to do something. I want you to look at the human being, not the body, the human being that's staring there, that has been dying for you to wake up and realize she's there, and she needs your support, and she needs your love, and she needs you to validate her existence. And I want you to ask yourself, how do I need to show up today for the woman I see in the mirror? How can I to support her? Because especially as mothers, all we're thinking about is what we need to do for everybody else. And then we feel last on our list because we're waiting for somebody to magically show up and take care of us, and nobody's coming.

And so you need to learn how to take care of yourself. We all know we got to put our oxygen mask on. What the fuck does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means being able to stand in the mirror every single morning and to see yourself and be with yourself and be able to celebrate and support yourself no matter where you are in your life and no matter how you feel. And so as you think about, how can I show up for this woman today? Then you're going to raise your hand and you're going to high five yourself. And I want to unpack this because there's a couple of things that you will feel for sure when you try this. So one of two things happens for absolutely every human being that tries this. So either you will feel this huge release and you'll start crying because you'll realize you've actually never done this for yourself, and you've been waiting to reconnect with the human being inside of you, or you're going to feel tremendous resistance to doing it. And so the resistance is so fucking sad, and you need to unpack it for yourself, because this is the bullshit that is starting to happen to our kids at the ages that your kids are.

This resistance, this rejection of self, this I'm not good enough. I don't belong I don't fit in. If only I were taller, shorter, skinny or fatter, my hair were less kinky, my skin were lighter or darker. All of the sorting hat things that we do to ourselves when we start school to see where we fit in and where we don't fit in. And it's all a mechanism to try to protect you from not being rejected from other people. But instead, you end up having a dialog that's all about rejecting yourself. And so the resistance is so fucking sad because what it actually is if you stand before yourself in the mirror as an adult woman, is you have dragged your entire life with you to that moment, and it stands between you and the human being that you see in the mirror. Every abuse, every trauma you've experienced, every heartbreak, every disappointment, all of the things that people have said to you, you accumulate that as evidence that says that person that I see is damaged or not worthy or broken or whatever it is that you say to yourself or believe about yourself. And all the things that you regret that you've done, whether you've cheated or done drugs or lied or you made a huge mistake or whatever it is that you beat yourself up for that you would easily forgive Kat or Nat or me for, but you cannot and will not forgive your sofa.

That's the resistance. That right there is the resistance. And so when you raise your hand to high five yourself, it's an act of defiance to a lifetime of criticizing and rejecting yourself. That's what's happening. And here's what I want you to know, which is freaking unbelievable. So as this started working in my life and I started to realize, oh, my God, I have just stumbled into yet another stupid, cheesy tool that is changing in my life. Why is this working? The research here is extraordinary because the good news is your mind and your nervous system and your soul are hard Wired, already ready to have the high five habit work. It'll work for your kids. It'll work for senior citizens. It'll work for absolutely anybody that sees this because of science. So first, even though it's weird because it's something that you've never done before, even though you might resist it. I want you to do this for five days in a row. Super important that you do it for at least five days in a row to push through the resistance and the weirdness so that it becomes something that you're not resisting. That's number one.

Number two, let's talk about a high five. So, Kat and Nat, when you think about times where you've either given your kids a high five or somebody's given you a high five or you've given somebody else a high five, what does a high five mean? There you go. Congratulations.

You're a monster.

Totally. A high five means I see you, I love you, I celebrate you. We got this. If you give it to your kid when their attitude is going down, it's literally like, shake it off now. I know this is tough, but come on, kid, you got this. It literally is celebration, joy, empowerment, togetherness, partnership, trust, encouragement, all in a simple gesture. Here's the good news. Since you've been doing this and receiving this gesture of a high five your entire life, all of that positive programming associated with it, it's already programmed into your brain. So while you raise your hand and you do it to your own reflection, your brain recognizes the gesture. It silences the critic. You can't think a negative thought and do this. Your brain won't allow it. You can feel weird. You can feel the resistance, but you can't think, You fucking suck. You're not good enough. You've screwed up your life. You can't do it. You don't even have to say anything because the The pressure alone triggers your brain to go, Oh, I believe in you. I feel you. I see you. I got you. Let's go. It already knows what it means, and it starts to silence the default criticism that runs on your brain and autopilot and reprogram in encouragement, celebration, and empowerment with your own reflection.

And there's even more. I talked to Dr. Daniel Amen, who's the world's leading expert on the brain. He went crazy about this thing. He basically said, Mel, do you know why this works? I'm like, no, tell me why it works. He said, first of all, one of the reasons why you feel a little bit more energized when you do this over and over and over again is because your nervous system understands the gesture. And I said, well, what do you mean? He said, well, think about it. When you wave hello, what are you doing? You're raising your hand. When you hug somebody, what are you doing? You're raising your hand. When you pat somebody on the back, you're raising your hand. When you high five somebody, you're raising your hand. When you cross the finish line, you raise your hands. Doing this repeatedly with your own reflection as your brain is having all these positive subconscious thoughts, your nervous system goes, oh, yeah, that's right. Celebration. So you start to feel that jolt and that energy within yourself the more you do this. The second thing that happens is you feel your mood boost, or if it's super heavy, you feel it lighten.

Why? Well, because when you receive a high five from somebody else, your brain gives you a drip of dopamine, the chemical that's It's the feel good, happy chemical. When you do it to yourself, the same thing happens.

Well, let's take it back to the beginning when it comes to the high five habit and talk about the origin story. And this you describe in the book, one morning, you were actually in your undergarments in front of the mirror, and you decided to give yourself a high five. So I'll let you take it from there. Let's have you set the scene and get into the details.

Yeah, a rather pathetic moment. And this is the brand of my personal development. I got to fall into a hole and then manufacture a ladder. I wish I could just be like somebody that's studying this stuff in a book and then applies it, but I tend to be the person that has to screw everything up or hit rock bottom in order to discover something that's surprising and simple that will help you in those moments where you don't know what to do. This all happened in early April, 2020. You don't even need to know the backstory because the feeling is so relatable. I woke up one morning and I just felt defeated. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was going through a hard time in my business. I was worried about my employees. I was worried about the PnL. I was worried about my kids who were going through a hard I just felt overwhelmed by the demands of my life. I used the five-second rule, something that I had created 13 years ago, and I counted backwards to get out of bed, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This is an interesting moment to also say, I've been using the five-second rule since the morning I invented it to get out of bed.

I've used it for 13 years. It's important to say that because I think there's this myth out there that if you repeat behavior for 21 to 67 days, depending upon what expert you talk to, that somehow that behavior becomes a habit. I think that's only true if you like doing the thing. I mean, I literally have to use 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to ratchet myself out of bed every day. I get out of bed, I make my bed, I start dragging myself to the I get to the bathroom, I'm brushing my teeth and my underwear, and all of a sudden, I catch a glimpse of the woman in the mirror, and I think, Oh, my God. You look like hell. I started picking the woman apart. The dark circles under her eyes, the gray hair coming in, the saggy neck, the boob that's hanging lower than the other. Then, of course, once your mind goes negative and you start criticizing yourself, it just drags you down the drain. So next thing you know, I'm literally thinking about the day ahead. It's not optimistic, it's not optimistic. It's not a great day. I'm thinking about the fact that I woke up later than I should have, and I'm already behind the ball, and I've got eight minutes to get on a Zoom call, and the dog still needs to be walked, and I hadn't responded to this email.

I am now feeling heavier and heavier and more defeated and more frustrated. You know what's interesting about that moment is that if you had walked into my bathroom, I would have been able to spend on a dime. I literally would have been able to be like, Okay, Jessie, Listen, I know it sucks. You don't deserve it. This is hard. But guess what? If anybody can face this, it's you. So come on now. Pull yourself together, get your butt back out there, and get you like, You got this. But in that moment, I couldn't think of a damn thing to say to myself. And here's the thing, I don't even think I would have believed it because it didn't match how I felt. I don't know what came over me, but for whatever reason, standing there in the bathroom in my underwear, I literally just raised my hand and high-fived the woman I saw in the mirror because she needed it. Now, look, it's not like lightning strike and the heavens opened and I was like, Oh, that's not what this moment was. But there was something that shifted. I noticed my shoulders dropped. I lift my chin up, probably because I laughed because it's so stupid.

Who high fives themselves in the mirror? I mean, come on. I didn't even say anything, but I could feel this energy of, Shut up. Come on. You can do this. Just get out there. And I went on with my day. That was it. That was it. And so the next morning is when everything changed. Because the next morning, I woke up, and I still had all the same problems that I was facing in my life. Still overwhelmed, still feeling defeated, still just like, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I dragged myself out of bed. I make my bed so I don't crawl back into it. I start walking to bathroom. And before I even got to the bathroom, that's when it hit me. I realized I was feeling something that I had never experienced before. And this is what it was. You know how when you go to a cafe or a pub or something, and you are about to meet somebody you really like, you're about to see a friend. Right before you walk into that cafe, what do you feel?

Excitement, happiness?

Yeah. Dude, I felt that as I was about to walk in the bathroom. I felt excited to see the human being Mel Robbins. Now, I got to tell you, I am going to be 53 years old this year. I don't ever remember feeling a sense of excitement about seeing myself, the human being. I've certainly been excited to see what an outfit might look like or what a new haircut might look like, but I've never had an experience of looking forward to seeing myself, the person. It hits me at a deeper level as I round the corner and walk into the bathroom. As I'm brushing my teeth, I'm starting to have this really weird feeling That there's two of us in the bathroom. There's me standing there brushing my teeth, and there's this woman in the mirror who is desperate for me to wake up and see her. There's a person that has been longing and waiting for my support. She's trying really hard. She needs me to celebrate her, to encourage her, and As I put my toothbrush down on that second morning, I start to think about the woman in the mirror, and I start to think, Well, what does she need for me today?

I have this moment where I think about, How am I going to show up for my myself. As I think about whether I'm going to be kind or I'm just going to have fun today, or I'm going to be courageous for that woman in the mirror, I literally raise my hand, and again, I seal that intention with a high five. Now, there's a couple of things about this that I want to explain. Because now that we've researched this, I didn't know this at the time, but now that we've researched this, I know the profound, ground-breaking science. I mean, were you surprised by the amount of research that's out there about this?

Oh, for sure. Something so simple, and definitely. Yeah, me too.

So one of the things I want to explain for everybody, because a couple of things. Yes, I want you to do it. Yes, I want you to suspend the cynicism. Yes, I want you even... You're listening to the ultimate health podcast, and even you will feel like this is stupid and too good to be true and something that you're not doing. I want to explain something. You got to do this for five days. You have to do this for five days. I've been researching this for more than a year. The science is incredible. And what's super cool about this is that you don't have to do anything except for the high five because your brain and your nervous system are already programmed to have this work for you. It's crazy. And so let me explain what you can expect. So the first thing that you should expect is that it's going to feel weird. Like, just expect it. Just expect that it's going to feel weird. The thought of it's going to feel weird, doing it's going to feel weird. I can explain that using neuroscience. You see, your brain loves patterns, and any new pattern feels weird.

For example, I am a right hander. When I write with my right-hand, it does not feel weird because I've been doing it my whole life. My brain knows the neurocircuutry associated with using my right-hand. If I were to get into a car accident and lose my right arm today, and I have to start writing with my left hand something that I am capable of doing, it's going to feel weird because I'm forging new neural pathways. The same is true about the high five. I know you talk about morning routines. I know you talk about setting the day up because that's how you set it up, is how it ends up. But most of us have forgotten about a particular habit we all have right now in our morning routine. We meditate, we journal, we practice gratitude, but we forget the fact that every single morning we stand in front of the mirror and we literally criticize or ignore The human being we see. That's part of your morning routine right now, and you don't even realize it until you start doing this high five habit. So when I ask you to break that habit of judging, rejecting, and criticizing yourself, it's going to feel weird to do the opposite.

So expect it. The second thing I want you to know is that there are only two reactions that people have to the doing of this the first time. The first reaction is that you will raise your hand and have a very positive reaction. You might burst out laughing. You might burst into tears. And the tears are positive because it's a sense of relief that you have finally woken up and recognized that you have this need to be seen and celebrated. And so the tears are like, thank gosh, thank you. But the more likely reaction, even from the ultimate health podcast listeners, is going to be, I don't know if this is for me. Really? You're going to feel resistance. I want to unpack this because the resistance is sad. It's really sad. When you can understand this resistance, and when you can push yourself through it with this high five, your life changes because this resistance is what's holding you back in every area of your life. The resistance is the fact that every single morning, when you stand in front of that mirror, you drag your entire past in that bathroom with you. If you've been abused, if you've experienced trauma, if you've been abandoned, neglected, heartbroken, any of it that's been done to you, it is between you and the person in the mirror.

And you see all of that stuff that's been done to you as evidence that you're not worthy, or evidence that you're not lovable, or evidence that you're damaged, evidence that the person standing before you does not deserve a high five. The other reason why you're going to resistance is because when you drag in the past, you also bring in all the stuff you regret. And if you're a human being, you have done some things that you wish you could do over, whether it's drinking, or cheating, or lying, or giving up on yourself, or hurting people, all things that you did, simply while you were trying to survive. Things Is it you would forgive me or Jessie for? But you stand in judgment of yourself. You will not forgive your sofa those things. You see a person that because of those things, you don't deserve a high five. You're a bad person. You know, in my husband's restaurant business failed after seven years of working at it. For years, he could not just see that restaurant failure as part of being an entrepreneur. He would look in the mirror and see a human being who was a failure.

The resistance he felt when he first started doing this was the fact that if I'm a failure, I shouldn't be high-fiving myself. And there's yet another reason why you're going to resist this. So many of us have been trained to believe that we are only worthy of celebration and love when we achieve something that's worthy of celebration and love. That when the number on the scale is where I want it to be, then I deserve a high five. That if I follow through on my promises, then I deserve a high five. If the number on the bank account, the car that I drive, the neighborhood I live in, texture of my hair, the color, when all of this stuff is what it's supposed to be, then I'll give myself the support and love that I deserve because I got to earn it. Mel, would you say another area of resistance this just pops into my head as you're speaking about these, would be the fact that this is such an easy, simple thing.

People think, again, you talk about how people have been doing this in the mirror for years, being self-critical. It's like, how can changing that mindset and changing my ways be so easy?

Bingo. Absolutely. Absolutely. You think that because life feels big and overwhelming and complicated and dark and just relentless, that somehow the solution that cracks us all open and starts to let the light back in is somehow enormous and relentless and overwhelming, too. When the truth is, if you're in a dark place, all All you need is a teeny crack to start letting that light in, to cause a fracture in this cement cell that's keeping you tracked. It is the simplest things. That's what I've learned in my life, that ironically, it is the The simplest, and oftentimes the silliest sounding things, that have the most profound impact. The reason why is this. Tools only work when you use them. The simpler it and the dumber it is, the more likely you're going to remember it. The easier it is to do, the more likely you're going to do it. The coolest thing about this, and this is what's super exciting and so encouraging, and why I so want everybody to do this for five days, is because in about five days time, you will start to feel lower resistance to this, and it won't feel so weird anymore.

The science it all will start to work for you. Let me explain this, because I write about some of the science in the book, but even as recently as three weeks ago, I was talking to Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the world's leading experts on the brain. He geeked out. I mean, literally, For an hour, he went crazy going, Oh, my, oh, Mel, Mel, do you know why this works? Mel. So there's all this new stuff that I know now that's pretty crazy. So first things first. This is why this is so cool. So you don't have to say anything. You don't have to say a thing. When you go to raise your hand to your own reflection, there's a physical gesture, right? And there's a whole field of neuroscience called neurobics. I did not make this up. It is physical movement or an aerobic activity, so a sudden physical movement that you weren't expecting because you're not expecting to high five yourself, awakened your prefrontal cortex. When you marry that unexpected physical aerobic movement with a new positive thought, it is That's actually the fastest way to forge new neuropathways in your brain. The high five is what we call a neurobiic intervention.

Here's how it works. You can stand in front of the mirror and you can look past your body and see yourself. You could even start to criticize yourself. I hate my neck. I hate the tire around my stomach. God, I'm looking old. You can start to think that stuff. The moment you go to raise your hand, your brain goes silent. Because when you have always high-fived other people, you've never thought, I hate your face. You're a loser. You've always thought something like, I believe in you. What does a high-five mean to you, Jesse?

It's a form of celebration between two people where you're acknowledging that person for an accomplishment, and you're celebrating together.

Yeah. The gesture says, I see you. I love you. I got you. I believe in you. Let's do this. If you have a bad attitude and you high five somebody, it's It's literally, shake it off. You can do this. It's all of that wrapped into one gesture. And guess what? Because you've received high fives and you've given them your entire life, all of the programming is already in your basal ganglia. So when you raise your hand to yourself, it literally muzzles your inner critic. It's impossible to criticize yourself. Your brain goes silent and all the programming from a lifetime high-fiving other people now marries with your reflection. I've been doing this for a year, and I don't even need to high-five myself most mornings. And here's why. I actually don't... It doesn't even occur to me to criticize myself. I have fundamentally overridden a lifetime of self-criticism. I I have reprogrammed into my mind that when I see Mel Robbins, I see a human being who's trying. I see a human being with a good heart. I see a human being who needs and who deserves celebration and love. That's all I think, just like I think when I see my kids or see somebody else that I love.

I have literally changed the way I treat and relate to myself. Do I Can I still do it? Yeah, I do, especially on mornings when I feel I need something, especially on mornings when I'm playing a big game. But what I've noticed has been so profound is just the fundamental, complete rewiring of the mind. Let me explain what else is going on, because Dr. Daniel Amen, wow, he hit me with some science. When I was talking to him, he was like, Mel, do you know why you feel that little shift in your brain? You feel a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more confident, a little some mood shift. I'm like, Yeah, I felt that. Tell me. He said, Well, when anybody else high fives you, your brain gives you a drip of dopamine. So when you do it for yourself, your brain does the same thing because the gesture is already associated with it. And he goes, You want to know what else? I'm like, Yeah, tell me what else. He goes, You know how some mornings you drag yourself into your bathroom and you're feeling low energy, but then you high five yourself and you feel just an ever so slight pep in your step.

I'm like, Yeah, I have felt that. He said, Well, the reason why is because your nervous system is helping you. I said, How? He said, Well, your nervous system for your entire life has been programmed to understand gestures of celebration. When you wave to somebody, raise your arm. When you cross a finish line, you raise your arms. When you go to hug somebody, you raise your arms. When you high five somebody, you raise your arms. The more that you do this in the morning, just like exercise stimulates chemical releases and celebratory energy in your body, the raising of the arm alone and high fiving yourself gets your nervous system to give you a jolt of positive energy. How cool is that? That's awesome.

Really cool. What I'm curious about, Mel, coming back to the origin story of all this, what was different about your morning the day you came up with this? Because it sounds like this was an ongoing thing for you where you'd look in in the mirror, you'd be hyper critical about different things. But this day was a little bit different. You decided to implement this movement. I'm curious if you've ever thought back to that and what was different about that day that you did this.

Meaning what I was feeling or what I felt afterwards.

Just where this came from. Why that day? Because this is probably a characteristic morning you've had many times, picking apart yourself in front of the mirror, you're in your underwear, I'm I'm picturing this scene that you said in the book. But it's like, why today did you decide to put your arm up when you're feeling these negative thoughts?

This is going to sound Well, I'll just say it. I think that it was literally divine intervention. I really do. I feel that there's no other plausible explanation. I I feel like the five-second rule is the same thing. I'm hitting an extraordinarily low and challenging moment, and I feel like I don't have it within me to go on and to keep facing this. It was in that moment that I just did something small. Thankfully, in both the high five habit and in the five-second rule, I was present enough to notice the small shift, and I was feeling overwhelmed and lost enough that I was ready to suspend any resignation or cynicism that I had and actually lean in to this small idea and go with with it and say, What if there actually is something inside of this high five? What was going on in the backdrop of my life was something that everybody can probably relate to. This is not The High Five Habit is not a pandemic book, but it was born in the pandemic. I think we all have that moment where we knew that COVID was going to turn your life upside down in ways that you couldn't even imagine.

Do you remember what that moment was for you?

Yeah, I'm just thinking back. I remember it as a general time frame. I just had my first child at the time, so I was focused on that. But I can remember the feeling in a general sense. But again, I was lucky enough to be focused on something so so powerful and so uplifting in my own life that was overlapped.

What about you? For me, it was a Wednesday in March of 2020. I was in the middle of taping a daytime talk show in the United States called the Mel Robin Show. It had always been a dream of mine to have a daytime talk show, to follow in the footsteps of the greats like Oprah and Donahieu and Ellen and use television as a way to reach people and help them change their lives. Here I was at the age of 50, getting a chance to fulfill a dream. I'm at my dream job, and all of a sudden somebody comes running into the studio and says, We found COVID-19 in the building. You need to evacuate immediately. Within five minutes notice, we evacuate the CVS Broadcast Center in New York on 57th Street on the west side. I don't get a I get a chance to say goodbye to 130 people I've been working with for more than a year. I get in the car, I start driving back to Boston, which is where we live, and I see the New York City skyline disappear, and all of a sudden my phone rings, and it's our daughter who is studying abroad for junior year in college, and she's in Spain.

Mom, are they closing the borders? Is something happening? Then the phone rings again, and it's our other daughter, who is, at that point, freshman in college at the University of Southern California, crying. Are they closing school? What's happening? Then it's my husband and my son, and they're on a ski trip together. Chris is saying, I think they're about to close a ski resort. I think we're going to try to change our flights. And next thing you know, we're all home. My talk show is canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. A book contract that I had for a totally different book gets canceled, and the publisher wants money back. Now, every speech that I have booked for a year, which is really the source of the revenue that I pay my employees with and that I earn, canceled, canceled, canceled, canceled. I start having flashbacks to a decade ago when my husband and I were a million dollars in debt and in financial crisis, and I was about to lose everything. There were no PPP loans, and nobody knew what was going on. That was the backdrop. For the first three weeks, I did not change out of my pajamas.

I started drinking Bloody Mary's at about 10:00 in the morning, and I sat in front of the TV in the living room with the dog on my lap and the kids by my side, and we did nothing but watch Glee and Harry Potter. I didn't even recognize myself by the third week, and Was waking up the third week wondering, How am I going to make payroll? Thinking, Are you kidding me? I have to reinvent myself again? I am too old for this. I have worked too hard. Why does this keep happening to me? Then, of course, feeling bad that I was feeling sorry for myself about career stuff when people were dying from this disease or this virus, together. Just like the battering ram of fear and anxiety, and overwhelm, and desperation, and then guilt, and then grief, and then all of it, that is what I was waking up to. I kept thinking, I don't know if I can handle this. I don't know if I can handle another thing happening. I can't take one more thing. I can't take one more breakdown. I'm just not strong enough for this. That was the backdrop.

That was what I was waking up to. I think that first morning, catching the glimpse of the woman in the mirror who was beaten down and exhausted and honestly feeling sad for her. It was almost like an out-of-body experience because I realized there was this person who needed help, and I just wanted to help her, just like I would want to help you.

Well, it's interesting, Mel, and I think it's really important that you share this story and you're so open and vulnerable because you're Mel Robbins, and people probably look at you and say, or they would turn to you in a time like this if they're going through a similar situation, assuming that you have all the answers. Here I hear you're sharing that you were on your couch for a few weeks and you had all this uncertainty and you're feeling down. I just think it's so, again, highlighting how important that is that you share that being who you are and having your level of success.

Well, thank you for that. I feel like it's so much more powerful to just be honest about what you're going through. What I've discovered in my work is that we're all projecting something, but The truth is, we're all having the exact same insecurities, fears, anxieties, never-ending worries, jealousy, comparison. We're all struggling with the same shit. All of us are. And not talking about it is what keeps you stuck. I literally did not know if I could handle one more thing. We are all hardwired to be able to lift everybody else up, put everybody else first, cheer everybody else on, plan their birthday parties, take on more work for your colleagues, and yet we sit in silence and we don't know how to ask for help. We're not very good at accepting help. Most of us even don't even like a compliment because we feel like we don't deserve it. I'm here to tell you that one of the most powerful things that you can learn how to do is to make it a habit to lift yourself up. Make it a practice every morning to look at the human being in the mirror, not pick apart the body, but look past the skin and look and see that there is a soul There's a person with a huge amount of life experience standing there who just like a runner in a marathon.

Life is a freaking marathon. And let's think about the metaphor of a marathon. If you've ever watched a road race, do you stand on the side and with your arms crossed at Mile 11, go, I'm not clapping for you. Did you see your last split time? You're dragging, man. You're limping a little. I'm not getting... What? I'll clap when you finish. And then we'll talk about whether or not you could have done better. That's not what we do. We innately celebrate and cheer and clap and high five these runners every single step of the way. And anybody that will tell you that's ever run a road race will tell you the reason why you feel motivated and the empowering aspect of it is because everybody's cheering for you every step of the way. It's what keeps you going. Even somebody like David Goggins can't hurt me. David D. Goggins, who I freaking love. He's got a form of self-encouragement that he practices called the cookie jar. In those hundred-mile machine races that the dude runs that are insane. I could never do that unless there are people cheering for me. The way that he gets himself through it is he reaches into a mental cookie jar and pulls out a cookie.

What is a cookie? It's an encouraging thought. It reminds him of why he's doing it, and that keeps him going. He doesn't, at Mile 97, give himself a beat down. He picks himself back up. So even the most unbelievable people with discipline know that it's about empowerment and encouragement. The beat down that you give yourself is demotivating.

I've run a number of marathons, and I can totally vouch for the fact that the response from the people watching, the fans, them clapping and cheering and yelling out your name because during a marathon, you have, generally, you'll have your name across your bib. It's very uplifting, encouraging, and it gets you through the tough times. I can remember being really emotional, too, and thinking about it now. It's a really unique experience because often you might have somebody congratulate you for an accomplishment. You do something in your day-to-day life, like your mom might call you and say, Good job for that, or you get encouragement from your partner. But when do you ever get that encouragement from strangers? It's a very unique experience. Again, I can just picture almost crying or maybe even crying at times, just feeling that support.

Yeah, it's visceral. I guarantee you, if you've ever experienced what Jessie's talking about, you can close your eyes and you can feel the energy coursing through your nervous system of what it felt like to be seen and cheered for. And a lot of the emotion probably came when you were on a really hard stretch. And the high five not only becomes somebody cheering for you and transferring belief and energy, but they're also in that high five acknowledging that you're going through a challenging moment. And that experience that is deeply and profoundly an important and foundational part of the human experience, the need to be seen and heard, The fact that a high five, like let's take my husband. There's no way in hell after the restaurant business failed. What's interesting about this story is that his best friend and he did the business together. Jonathan, when the business was over, they pulled out of the original real crash and burn moment, went on to expand it, and then sold off a bunch of units to a new owner. They did an extraordinary in their job, they did not achieve their goals. They did not return the level of return on the investment for their investors.

You could say they failed. You could say that it was an entrepreneurial venture, and anybody who invests in a restaurant business knows it's risky. You can make up whatever story you want about the facts. It's interesting because two people can go through the exact same thing, which they did, and have a totally different story about it. Jonathan's story was, we worked our asses off. We did an incredible job. I'm very proud of what we built. I'm proud of the product. I'm proud of how we treated our people. I'm proud of how hard we work. I'm proud that we actually didn't lose people's money. We just didn't make them money. I'm proud that the restaurant Restaurants are still open under a new owner. Chris, on the other hand, for whatever reason, could not do that. He could not separate what happened from his identity. He would stand in front of that mirror for years and years and years. This is only recently, and the high five habit and the therapist and treating depression because of this shame. He would stand in front of that mirror and see a failure and see somebody who doesn't deserve support, and see somebody who shouldn't be encouraged and see somebody who doesn't deserve celebration, who's not where he's supposed to be, who has tons of evidence stacked up.

I could clap for him. I could celebrate him, but that doesn't change how he sees himself. And this is why I think that most mantras are complete horseshit, because you don't believe them. You can't stand in front of a mirror if you think you're a failure and be like, I'm awesome, because you've been telling yourself you suck For two decades, your brain's like, flotting away as a fly. We don't believe that. Just like somebody who has body issues, who hates their body, who's been hiding in the back of photos for years, who won't look at themselves in the face, who always thinks that they're the ugliest or the tallest or the biggest or the whatever-est of their friends. They will never be able to stand in front of a mirror and go, I love my body, because they don't believe it. The brain rejects it. What you can do is when you raise your hand and you high five yourself, it shuts off the criticism. And the high five, just like in those challenging legs of the marathon, says, I know you think you're a failure, but I still got you, and I still love you.

I know you don't like how you look, but I do. And you deserve to be happy. You can be happy. That's what it says. It's something that's believable because it It acknowledges where you are and it helps you inch toward something better.

Mel, since you got into that story about your husband sharing that period of time that he struggled, what would you say as somebody who is in a situation like that? Because you were the supporting partner in that situation. Other than teaching them the high five habit, what can we do to support somebody in our life that we care about, that we can just see is taking taking this on, a negative experience like what your husband went through and taking this on in a deep personal way. How do we help them through that?

I love that you said that. Okay, so let's expand this out a little bit because it's an excellent question. In chapter four of the book, let's bring in one other story that people can relate to. My daughter, and again, I literally wrote this book starting in May of 2020, when I started doing this for myself, and I started noticing a change, and I started I'm noticing this feeling of I'm tapping back into resilience. I'm actually feeling like I can do this. I feel like I have my own back. I then, a month later, put a high five, a photo of me high-fiving myself up on social media. Just because. I didn't even really expect anything. Within an hour, literally, hundreds of people. In fact, as we sit here and do this podcast, I have, and I can show you this, a board of people around the world who are high-fiving themselves. All colors, shapes, sizes, backgrounds, religions, education, ages. It reminds me that we are all the same. We all need that sense of being seen and of being celebrated. None of us are giving it to ourselves. As I'm writing this book, and this is why I say this was meant to be, this is so much bigger than the book, the book is a tool, and this conversation is a tool to crack something being open to let some light into the darkness, to help you turn toward what's meant for you, to help you to discover, to rediscover the person that's in there.

As I was writing this, all these just amazing divine things started to come together. This text my daughter sends me that says, How do I not feel like the ugliest girl at the bar every time I go out? We've all received a text or an email or a letter from somebody that we love that breaks your heart. And part of what breaks your heart is, first of all, the way they see themselves is the exact opposite of the truth. And the second reason why it breaks your heart is you know there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will change the way somebody else sees themselves. You can say a million wonderful things, and you should. You can offer up all kinds of resources, whether it's therapists or nutritionists or trauma support or podcasts to listen to or books to read, and you should. But how you see yourself is an inside job, which means you got to do reprogramming yourself. And so what do you do? Well, you point people to this podcast to listen to in the hopes that whatever it is that you're getting out of it, awakened something inside of the person that you care about.

You point them towards books. You push them to go to therapy. You point them towards things. But the other thing you need to do is you need to model what I'm talking in your own life. Because as you start to repair your relationship with yourself and improve it, as you start to celebrate and support yourself and you're kinder to yourself, this is not about being arrogant. This is not about looking in the mirror and be like, I'm the best. That's not how I feel. I actually just have developed a sense of compassion and genuine love for myself. That's it. Do I screw up all the time? Absolutely. Do I disappoint myself? Mm-hmm. Do I Do I feel jealous? Do I compare myself? Every day. Do I do things that I then regret? Yep. The difference is I don't then give myself a fucking beat down. I have compassion. I unpack it, and I quickly learn, and I get better. There is actually a study in the UK all about this, that the number one thing that will improve your happiness and sense of fulfillment in life is the number one behavior change we don't practice.

It's not eating kale or exercising or meditating. It's actually making it a habit to be kind to yourself. What I would say is bring empathy, bring compassion, understand that even... Here's the thing, don't argue with them. If I were to say to my husband, You're not a failure, it actually pushes him away because I'm now rejecting his lived experience. If I say to my daughter, You're not ugly. That's not what she believes. So what you say is, That must feel terrible to feel that way. How would you like to feel about yourself? What do you think would help you How would you bridge the gap between feeling this way and feeling how you'd like to feel about yourself? Would you like my support and advice, or do you just want me to listen to you? That's how you do it, because now you're affirming where somebody's at, just like that high five affirmed somebody. Then you get somebody else to talk about where they want to go versus telling them where to go. That's how you start to open up this conversation because it's in them seeing for themselves what they want and them working and talking through how they might be able to get there.

That's when somebody is going to feel empowered.

For somebody, whether it be somebody else that's in our life and we want to give them a little bit of guidance if they're asking for it, or if it's ourselves and we're ready to do that deeper work on ourselves and form that better relationship with ourselves. Other than the high five habit, what are some What are the big needle movers that we can do to start to really love ourselves, accept ourselves, support ourselves?

Well, I'm glad you asked because I wanted to go deeper than a book. So one of the things I'd love to invite your your listeners, and thank you for partnering with me on this. We've created this free five-day challenge that is freaking amazing. If you're looking to feel more energized, if you want a boost in confidence, if you want to feel supported, if you want to feel connected, connected. Just go to highfivechallenge. Com, and it's a free five-day challenge. You even get access to an app called Growth Day, which is the world's leading personal development app. It's like a Peloton for personal development. What's super cool about it is this thing's 300 bucks. You get it for free while you're taking the challenge. There's 100,000 people in the challenge. Every day, you're going to get coaching and tools from me because you'll get to watch a video, you'll get to do journal prompts. Then there's a huge community of people that high five you and that celebrate you as you're doing the simple things in this challenge to implement this. That's one thing that's there for you because look, you can change on your own.

You should show up every morning in your underwear or nude or whatever in your PJs and brush your teeth. We're going to pair this with teeth brushing because we're going to clean out the crap on your teeth. I don't want you to spread dragon breath on people. Then we're going to clean out the crap in your mind. I don't want you to spread your shitty mood on everybody. Then you're going to high five yourself and send yourself into your day. I wanted to give you something that would support you as you start to make this turn, because what's going to happen is as you do this five days in a row, something does crack open inside You weren't born this way. Celebration, self-love, it's hardwired into your DNA. It's your birthright. When you were a baby, you don't remember this, but the sight of you in the mirror, oh my gosh, you didn't roll backwards and go, Look at these chubby thighs. Nobody's ever going to love me. You literally craw toward the mirror. Is your son or daughter crawling yet?

She is walking now and dancing. She loves the mirror. She loves watching videos on my phone of herself dancing and being funny and loves herself.

Yeah. What does she do when she sees a mirror?

She'll just smile or dance or laugh. She's drawn to it. It's beautiful.

Yes. That's in all of us. That's in all of us. When you start to practice this, you reconnect to that. It goes all the way down through all the crap that your life has done to you, and it connects you back to the you of you. And that's what you can do. The other reason why this is so important is because we're so hard on ourselves. And so if you have a day where you don't follow through, or you have a day where you snap at your kids, or you have a day where you do something or you fall off the wagon, the secret is to not throw in the towel or throw it at yourself, or bury yourself with shame. It's to literally high five yourself. It is to help... The high five brushes it off. It acknowledges that things are hard, and it says, I still believe in you. I want to read you something because I think you and your listeners are going to love this, and I think you, as a new dad, are going to get this, especially since you have a daughter. We have two daughters, both of whom are in the book.

The text was from our oldest daughter. This text, which is not in the book, but I'm going to read to you, comes from our middle child who is 21 years old. She is a music student at a music conservatory at the University of Southern California studying pop music. She writes to me, Are you getting excited about your book? I can't wait to read it. You know, I have been high-fiving myself in the mirror, smiley face. I said, How's the high-five working? She said, Well, I don't know what to say when I do it. Because sometimes I still look in the mirror and I think, You're not as pretty as the rest of the girls. Then I say, Well, you don't have to say anything. The high five itself will communicate it for you. And then she writes, But what if I didn't accomplish anything? Like, I didn't work out or I didn't write a new song today like I said I would. Do I still high five myself after my shower? I said, yes. You have to keep showing up every day and trying to do a little bit better than you did yesterday. That alone makes you worthy of support and celebration.

You see, we have the secret to life and happiness and motivation backwards. You think you need to accomplish something to be worthy of a high five. And she then writes, wait a minute. You mean the fact that I exist deserves a high five? I said, Yes. And when you high five your sofa just standing there in front of the mirror, you are demonstrating that you see you and all of your potential. You support you and believe in you, and that no matter what happens today or what didn't happen today, you've still got your own back. Then I wrote, What do you think about what I just wrote? She wrote, I love it. It makes me feel great. Then I said, Could you explain why it makes you feel great? Because maybe your explanation will help me explain this high five habit thing to everybody else. Listen to what she wrote. She said, What the high five habit shows you is that you don't actually know how much you're always doing. I think that once you start high fiving yourself every single morning, it almost allows you to be present to everything you're doing. It helps you recognize all those small victories.

When you compile those small victories, you can recognize all of your accomplishments, big and small, and eventually come to believe that not only are you worth it, but you can do anything.

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. For me, as a hero, the biggest takeaway for me is that just being you each of us being our unique selves and showing up day after day is enough. We don't need to check something else off the to-do list. We don't need to go, go, go all out, all waking hours of the day like a lot of us feel we need to do. It's just being you and being true to yourself and loving yourself no matter what.

Especially on those days when you didn't work out and you didn't write that song and you didn't get your to-do list done. Those are the most important days to show up and support and honor and celebrate yourself. Because I think the reason why we get stuck in the do, do, do, do, do is It's because as we get older, we start to see that we get praised when we're accomplishing things. We start to believe that it's only in accomplishing things, writing the song, working out, getting through our to-do list, making more money, hitting the number on the scale, that we are worthy. And yes, the secret is exactly what your daughter is showing you. She knows she's worthy just for being her. She knows she's lovable. She loves and celebrates herself just as she is and as she's not. It's life that teaches you to become your own sorting hat, to stand in your own mind and start to see the world in places that you belong, in places that you don't. We pick ourselves apart the second we enter school because we start to see where we can sit in the cafeteria and who the teacher likes, and you start to aim it at yourself.

There's something that's wrong with me. If only I could be that way or this way or the other way, that would make it better. That would make people like me. And that's how it begins. And the high five habit, this simple little science-backed morning ritual has helped me learn how to push through a lifetime of that picking apart and self-rejection and come back home to me, to the person that is just like your daughter, that can see herself in the mirror and see somebody that's worth smiling at and cheering for and celebrating.

What I love about this, too, is because you're the one taking the power and doing it with your own will, you're not waiting for somebody else, where you have to, again, do something, and they have to be in the right mind frame to recognize it and give you the praise. It's like, no, this is going to happen on a consistent basis because you are in control.

Okay. So let me tell you what I love about you. The enthusiasm you just brought to that insight, you just shared an awakening that you had. Like, you just shared the secret to ending people-pleasing. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of every relationship that you have. If you're insecure with yourself, which means if you look in the mirror and there are parts of you that you reject or pick apart, you will be insecure in every relationship that you have. Your daughter is secure with herself right now in her life, which means her relationship with herself, her acceptance of her whole self, is what allows her to be so accepting and not worried about people-pleasing right now. When you can learn how to accept everything about you and everything that you're not, it's the most liberating thing in the world, because people pleasing isn't actually about other people and pleasing other people. People pleasing is about managing your own insecurities. And when you can stand in front of a mirror and celebrate your sofa everything that you are, and even the things that you didn't really like, or you're not quite done with, or whatever, you're comfortable with yourself.

So you don't worry about what other people think because you know that the most important person on the planet thinks you're pretty good.

So when you come to that realization, whether it's through this talk, or reading your book, or a different way, how do you go about bringing that into the real world? Because what's going to happen is if you are a people pleaser, people expect you to react in a certain way, and all of a sudden you have this newfound confidence in this new way of behaving, where people in your life, especially the ones closest to you, maybe your significant other kids, it's like you're no longer just giving them the answers they want to hear and behaving in a way that you're thinking, at least, best serves them. How do you go about bringing that in, or do you just start doing it and realize that, let the pieces fall as they do?

So here's the thing. Every relationship is basically built on the energy between two people. There's a give and a take. Right now, if you are a people pleaser, and you put everybody first, and you're insecure, and you seek people's approval and validation for your own self-worth and love, when you start to practice the high five habit, and you become more confident and secure in who you are, and you feel more assured because you have your own back, and you feel the empowerment that comes from starting your day every day, feeling seen and supported and sent into your day with a high five, what's going to happen is you will start to show up for yourself differently, and that will change the dynamic in your relationships. That's a good thing. Let me explain a couple of things about this. Number one, if you are worried about people's reactions, remember, you can focus on showing up as yourself, right? And making requests, and drawing boundaries. And if you're worried about how it comes off, just focus on your tone, not the content. So don't ever change what's true for you. But you can always think about, how do I say this in the right tone of voice?

So it's not demeaning or mean or short, right? So don't ever change the content of what is true for you, what request you need to make, what things you need to do. Now, I'm going to tell you a story that I think will help you with the topic of what happens when you try to change and the people that are closest to you actually either criticize you, roll their eyes, don't support the change, or are your least biggest supporters. This is a story about me being the person that was trying to sabotage somebody's positive change. When my husband came out of the restaurant business and he's racked with this sense of failure, he decides that he's going to stop drinking. He's going to focus on his health and his wellness and mental health. He gets into meditation and yoga, and he starts a men's retreat eventually called Soul Degree, which is super cool. But when he first stopped drinking, I remember very distinctly that very first night. He went and poured himself a cup of tea. I went like I always did at that time, and I grabbed a wine glass, and I opened a bottle of wine, and I started cooking dinner.

And I went to pour my wine glass. I realized I was annoyed that he was not having a glass of wine with me. I turned to him and I said, Are you sure? Don't you just want a glass of wine? I mean, you You could just give up bourbon. I mean, what's wrong with wine? I mean, it's just juice. It's not like, How about having a glass? And I start to literally try to badger him to not drink. I mean, to start drinking. When he has said, I don't want to drink because I've had a drinking problem while I've been in the restaurant business. What an asshole am I, right? What a jerk does that to somebody? Everybody does this. And let me tell you why. His change was confronting to me because his change forced me to evaluate my choices. Chris finally turns to me and said, Would you stop trying to make me drink? Let me tell you something, Mel. Nobody cares what's in your glass but you. And if you have a problem with what is in your glass, stop bitching at me and look in the mirror and figure out why you have a problem with what's in your glass.

Mic drop. And what I realized is I did have a low-grade complaint with myself that every night I was pouring a glass of wine, and that led to drinking half a bottle. And the reason why I was badgering him is because he usually split the bottle with me. And him stopping drinking was making me confront the fact that I myself did not like my relationship to drinking. And it's easier to point the finger and to poke and to try to get somebody else to stop doing that thing, whether it's exercising or going vegan or being kind to themselves or meditating every morning, because it makes me then have to deal with myself. So expect it. Respect it. And what you have to be willing to do is what Chris did to me. You got to call people out when they're not being supportive. And you got to point them back at themselves and in the mirror. And then you got to make requests. I don't care what you're drinking. Please don't make comments about what I am. And please don't ask me to have a drink. It's a boundary, and I need you to respect it.

And to continue that story a little bit, how did that change your relationship to drinking from that point forward, or did it?

I stopped at one glass of wine for a while, and then I stopped drinking for a while. I dropped an almond. I've had an evolving relationship with alcohol. I'm in the middle of doing 75 Hard right now, which is a 75-day mental fitness challenge. It's really interesting exercise. It's very bro. It's made me think I want to create something that's a little bit less like, But it's 75 days of no drinking, 2:45 minute workouts a day, a gallon of water, 10 pages of non-fiction, or something. Oh, and a progress photo. I love it when I don't drink. I absolutely love it. I sleep better. I feel more focused. I love the health impact of it. I know all the science, but the fact is, I also love having a cocktail. I don't know what the balance is for me. I know that given the history of addiction in my family that I'm prone to and being, I don't know if it's a Midwest thing, but I am a big drinker. I'm the person that I realized also, it's interesting because I used to be a bartender, the drinks that you order out are not the drinks I make at home.

I think four drinks out is probably the gin and tonic that I make at home. It's been It's really good for me to do 75 hard. It's been really good for me to do periods where I just don't drink for a month or whatever, because it reminds me that I can stop it when I want to. What's been super helpful is having habits where I will have a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, but I'll have just one drink. Stopping at one drink is a really good thing because the truth is, I work really hard. I work really hard because I have a big work ethic and because I love what I do, so it feel like work. For me, the ritual of making a mocktail or a cocktail as a signal that it's time to close the laptop, it's time to step outside on the screen and porch, it's time to put on the music, it's time to slow down. I just love it. What's helped me a lot is I have these big red wine glasses, and now I'll make a mocktail with kombucha and ice, and I'll put a lemon peel in there and a little sprig of mint.

It feels like a cocktail. I can't even really tell the difference. There's all these amazing new non-alcoholic spirits that are basically, I think, essential oils. I often will make one of those. I've realized, back to habits, it's just a habit that I like this ritual that feels celebratory. I have a really good relationship with it. And I'm one of these people that feels like moderation of just about everything is an okay thing. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.