There are seven things that I have done this year that have really helped me prioritize the time that I have with Oakley. And I'm going to walk you through all of these, and I'm going to warn you, some of these sound obvious. If these seem obvious, good. It means you know what you need to do. I hope that my conversation and sense of urgency with you today makes you do it. The first thing that you need to do is you got to say it's a priority. And that's exactly what I did. I said last year, It is a priority in my life this year to spend as much time as I can with Oakley because I've already missed out on too much. I'm going to say that again. It is a priority for me to spend as much time as I can with our son, Oakley, before he leaves for college because I've already missed out on too much. I know that that ice cube has melted, and I was not there for it. But I'm going to be there now, and I want to break down this statement because this is the first step.

It's obvious, but there's two parts. You have to say this is a priority. You have to do that. And I want you to stop and think right now as you're listening, who is it for you? I'm serious. Who is the priority for you right now? If you could pick one person that was your priority this year to make sure that you make the most of the time that you have with them this year, who is it? Well, I've got two people. Obviously, Oakley. Oakley is graduating from high school, but there's another one. My dad is turning 80 in August. And when I think about my dad being 80 years old, both my grandfathers were dead by this time. Chris's dad died at the age of 69. So for me, this is a real priority. I have this sense that the time is slipping through my hands, and we're not going to get it back. What What about you? Who's the person that you want to make a priority this year? Maybe it's your best friend. You never see them. They moved on, they have a big job or whatever. And every time you pick up the phone and call them, you're like, We should get together.

We should get together. But you never make plans. Maybe it's grandparents. It's so important that time just keeps passing and you realize, Oh my gosh, I haven't seen my grandmother in three years. I mean, she lives halfway across the country and she's in a retirement home, or maybe it's your siblings. There's someone in your life that needs to become a priority. I want to talk about the second part of that sentence, because the second part of the sentence is just important as the first part, where you say, It is a priority for me to spend more time with this person. The second part of the sentence that I said is, Because I've already missed out on too much. This is the recognition of the water and the puddle that the melting ice cube is sitting in. This is the part of the relationship where you left the room while the ice cube was on the counter and time passed, and you come back, and holy cow, you realize there's a lot that I missed out on. It's so important for you to let yourself feel this second piece. What have I missed out on by allowing myself to be too busy?

I really want you to drop in and feel this because it's important and it's uncomfortable. And there's a reason why, and I want to unpack this a little bit. It's because When you think about all the things that you missed out on, you're of course, going to feel bad. But I want to explain what that feeling is, that tension, that time that has passed, the things that you missed out on, like the things that I've missed out on with our son. You know what that is? That's grief that you're feeling. And the thing that's beautiful about grief is that grief is just all the love that you have for a person that you haven't expressed or you didn't get a chance to express. And it's an expression of love. And I want you to sit with that for just a second and really think about, what have you missed out on? And it's a powerful motivational force. When you really tap into that, wow, I'm bummed that this happened because I really love this person. I feel that way about my parents all the time. They live a 16-hour drive from here. And I have a lot of grief about how much How much of my life has gone by without seeing them all the time.

And it's important for you to feel this because it is a motivational force to get you to wake up and take this seriously. Because I think, yeah, I know Mel, time's passing. Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, But we're too cavalier about this. When I sit in the grief of what I've missed out on, for me, there's a lot. I mean, boy, particularly with our daughters, because if I think back, I was the only breadwinner in our household when our daughters were in middle school and high school. I mean, I was responsible for earning money. And the thing is, it wasn't just to pay the bills. We were so in debt. I felt this extraordinary amount of pressure to keep working, not to slow down. I felt like I had zero freedom to say no to anything, to have any boundaries with work whatsoever. And so I not only left the room, I was gone while that ice cube was melting because somebody needed to pay the La Cros fee, somebody needed to pay the car payments, somebody needed to pay for the eighth grade Washington, DC field trip that so many public high school students go on.

I I missed my daughter Sawyer's entire varsity La Cros season. I missed the majority of our daughter Kendall's varsity field games. There was a time, even not so long ago, when I was living separately from Oakley and Chris because they had moved up to Southern Vermont, and it was in the middle of the pandemic, and I had to stay in Boston in order to keep the company afloat. So I also missed out on two and a half years of living with Oakley and Chris and being part of his day-to-day high school, even though it was mostly remote. And I bet if you're a working parent or a working grandparent, or you're really busy in your job and you never see your parents, you're probably nodding along, right? If you're that grandparent who lives really far away from your kids and you don't get to just show up at the soccer games, you're like, Yeah, I feel this, Mel. I feel this deep in my heart. If you're the parent that has been just slugging away, trying to pay the Well, it's my God, what are you going to do? I get it. And you're probably thinking about this, and you're also thinking about how it relates to your parents as they're getting older.

And the reason why I want you to think about these things that you missed on from a place of grief is so that you tap into the love that you have for people. I don't want you to feel guilty about what you needed to do, because it's not going to make you want to change if all you're doing is making yourself wrong. And besides, if you're making yourself wrong about what you did in the past, is that going to change it? No. But when you reframe this feeling as grief, that it's just the love that you didn't get to express physically, it will fuel the motivation that you have to change and to wake up right now and to start to take this seriously. In fact, research says that grief and regret can be really good when you use it to motivate yourself to change behavior in the future. So that's the first thing. I want you to say it out loud. I want you to have right now the person or the two people that you're really going to prioritize this year. And then I I want you to just sit just for a minute with that grief.

I want you to think about the things that you weren't there for, the things that maybe you missed out on because you got really busy or you had a ton of stuff that you needed to do, or life just It's going to just happen. It's okay. But now what are we going to do about it? Because here's the second tool. I'll tell you what you're going to do about it. You're going to tell people. You cannot keep this a secret buried in your heart. And just for background, like a lot of I traveled for work. And when I wasn't on the road for work, I would be on Zoom calls after dinner or on phone calls on the side of the soccer matches. I've been the one that's been late to the parent-teacher conferences. If I made them at all, I had never been in a I was in a position to be the person that was the sports team parent. I'd never been the homeroom parent. I took 95% of my energy in the past and just aimed it all at paying off our debt, paying our mortgage, and it was that way for a really long time.

I just felt like I didn't have the bandwidth or the flexibility to do the things that I really wish I would have been able to do. Maybe you don't either. Maybe you don't either. I need you to hear that it doesn't make you a bad parent. The fact is, I didn't feel like a bad parent back then when I was constantly working, because I knew that what I was doing mattered, and I knew that it was a way that I could support my family. I just tried hard to work on being there in other ways. But there was something inside of me. Just recently, when I saw this study, the American Times study, and I stopped and I truly reflected on this statistic. Holy cow. This is it for me. This is it. This is my last kid in high school. This is the last year of high school. I'm not not missing out on a chance to be a bigger part of his high school life. And that doesn't mean any drastic changes. And this is the good news. It's not like I quit my job. It doesn't mean I changed a thousand things.

But I did do a few little things. And it started with first saying, This is a priority because I'm not going to miss out on anything more. And the second thing is, I got very vocal. And this is a big change for me. I had to tell Chris, I had to tell Chris. I had to tell Oakley. I had to tell everybody that I work with that this is a priority not to miss out on all the things that I've been missing out on. This is a priority to not be working on the weekends. This is a priority to stop working certain days at three o'clock to be sure that I can be there. I'm doing the same thing with my parents. I mentioned earlier that I don't want the time to slip through my hands with my dad. You know what's funny about my parents is, turns out my parents haven't been waiting for my call. Every time I call them, I'm like, I want to Let's see you guys more. Let's make a plant. They're busy. They're getting their haircuts and doing Majan and playing golf. And I keep saying, We doing something for your 80th dad?

My dad's like, I don't want to surprise. I don't know. I might do something with the golf guys. It's okay. I don't want to do this. I'm like, Okay, okay. You got to tell the people that are a priority to you that you're going to do something different this year, that you're going to take the lead. Here's one other thing that I need you to do. You know that person that you had in mind that you're like, Okay, I got to make them a priority? Whether it's one of your kids, whether it's a sibling, whether it's a parent, I want you to share this episode with them and just send it to them in a little text. Just forward them this episode and say, This really made me think about you. I want to see you, and I'm going to make it a priority, and I'm going to call you later, and we're going to make a plan. I love you. Okay? So why don't you do that? Share that with the person in your life that you want to make the most of the time that you have with. And we're going to take a quick break so you can hear a word from our And when we return, I've got five more things that I did that is helping me make the most of the time that I have with someone that I love.

And you're going to love them, so don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and we're talking about how time with your loved ones is like a melting ice cube. And I'm sharing the seven things that I'm doing to be more present with my son, Oakley, before Or he graduates from high school this year, and my husband and I are empty nesters. So I just shared the first thing that I did, which is I actually said this is a priority because I have already missed out on too much. And I want you to do that, too. This is a priority because I've already missed out on too much. Second thing I want you to do, say it out loud and tell everybody. Okay? Tell everybody. And it's important that you make this declaration that this is a commitment that you have for yourself, this this year because you love this person. And so that brings me to the third thing that I did that I want you to do. Put it in the calendar. You got to mark the date. And here's what I mean by that, because there's a few steps, okay?

You need to mark the dates in the calendar, because if you're just thinking about it, it's not real, okay? Putting something in the calendar makes it real. It makes it a priority. So the first thing that I did with Oakley, because even though I told him, Dude, I am going to show up differently this year. I want to be a big part of your senior year of high school. I don't want to miss out on this time with you. He's like, Mm-hmm. Okay. Yep. All right. Sounds good. He's got a life to live. This is not his obligation to change. It's mine. And so I printed out the school calendar. And as soon as I got all the sports calendars, I got the ski season calendar, the ultimate frisbee calendar. Here's what I did. I put it in my work calendar. See, typically, I would keep my personal calendar and my business calendar separate. But if you want to make something a priority or someone a priority, put it in the calendar that's actually a priority for you. Because whether you make it to the sports game or not, the fact that every single game home and away is not in the personal calendar.

It's actually sitting right there in the work calendar, it keeps it front and center. Just a dumb little change like that, that tiny little tweak intentionality, because again, they're not changing, you are. I made it to more sporting events than I had ever made before. I'm so proud of that. I know it sounds lame, but for all my work and parents out there, and for those of you that have missed out on a lot of time, you know what a big deal this can be. Something interesting also happened. See, Chris has always been the first call parent in our household, meaning he's the first number, he's always the contact for the sports teams. Since I've been traveling and working so much, people are not used to seeing me around. But since I'm now showing up, since I'm making this a priority, I'm not letting this ice cube melt. For the first time ever, I'm really in the loop about what's going on, and you're going to find that that's true, too. And in fact, I had this super cool experience. This might sound dumb to you, but it was a highlight of my life so far with Oakley, which is a bunch of parents and I snuck onto the high school bus before a huge Alpine ski team race.

They were going off to some regional thing, and we decorated that bus. It looked like a bunch of strippers were going to come onto that thing because I went in to the decoration aisle at Walmart. I made up for 10 years of having that ice cube melt. I bought out every piece of tinzel, every streamer, every you know what. I bought the chalk markers. I colored every window. I decimated that bus with decoration, and I I felt so bad that I even gave the driver a Duncan Donuts gift card and some cash and a couple extra garbage bags because he refused to take our offer to have him get some help to have it cleaned up. And let me tell you something. When Oakley got onto that bus, he texted me and said, You wouldn't believe what the parents did. I said, Dude, I was part of it. And he was shocked, absolutely shocked and thrilled. You did this is unbelievable, and it was so freaking cool. Again, is it the biggest thing? No. You may do this all the time. But to me, this was a really big deal. And until you make something a priority, you're going to keep missing out on this stuff.

And when it comes to my parents, because I've shared that my dad's turning 80, and I am very, very aware that that ice cube is melting. Here's the fact. They live over 16 hours from me. I'm not driving there. They're not driving here. I realized is that we are together 2-3 times a year maximum. And so when it comes to my parents, how do you do that in the calendar? Well, it's critical because Oakley lives with me, and he's super busy, and I barely see him, and he's a senior in high school, and he doesn't want to hang out his mom. And so it's my job to insert myself somehow into his life. Same thing's true with my parents. Just because they're 80 and retired doesn't mean it's their job to make sure our relationship's amazing. And here's the truth. Like you may be experiencing your life, my parents are 16 to 18 hours away from me. I'm not driving all the way to Michigan. They're not driving all the way here. And the older that my kids get and the older that my nephews get, the harder it is to get everybody together. And I realized, if I really When you think about it, at this point, we only get together in terms of my brother and his wife and their two kids, and Chris and I and our three kids and my two parents.

We only get together 2-3 times a year, maximum at this point. As our daughters are getting older and they're entering the workforce, it's getting harder and harder and harder. The calendar is essential, and you cannot underestimate how important this is. In fact, we started planning my dad's 80th birthday celebration almost two years in advance. Why? Because we're trying to coordinate 12 people. And if you don't get ahead of everybody's schedules, it's not happening. And I think that's important to understand. Everybody's busy. I don't care if you're retired, if you're 12 years old. And that's why getting it in the calendar and getting serious about this is how you mark these dates. Because if you don't mark the date, it's not happening. If you don't put it in the calendar, it's not real. And And so on this theme of it's not their job, it's your job. The time is going to pass. And if it's a priority to you, you got to figure out how to fit in to what they're doing. And so another way to use your calendar is I've put a little alarm in my calendar, again, not personal, in work, to call my parents twice a week.

And that way I use my calendar to make sure I'm marking dates so that the time is not passing without doing my part. Because again, if it's not in the calendar, it's not happening. And that brings me to the fourth thing that I've done, okay? As you're starting to make your plans and you're starting to mark your dates, I just want to underscore this because I've been You're minting at this. This whole thing is not about other people reciprocating the effort you're putting in. Because here's the huge headline. You're not doing this for them. You're doing this for you. That ice cube, that's their life. As it's melting, you realize you want to be a part of it. You don't want to miss out on it. So don't make the mistake of expecting everyone to just drop their plans because you want to come into town. And this is a really, really important note, because I think if I'm being brutally I'll be honest with myself and with you, I think, particularly with my parents, we got into a little bit of a tit for tat thing, where you go, well, you got to come to me, or you got to come to me, or, You got to come to me, or, Well, the kids are busy, so why would I come if they're going to be busy running around and I'm not even going to get to see them.

And then in that tit to tat, who's doing more, who's making more of an effort? And you find yourself in a little bit of a standoff. I think you know what I'm talking about, a little bit of a friction, a little bit of tension there. You know what What happens during those years? Lots of melting. And this is an important note for me to remind myself of, because the fact is, Oakley is going through the last days of high school. His top priority is not time with his mother. He wants to see his friends. He doesn't want to drop his weekend plans because his mother has nothing to do. And look, I know you're going to jump through a bunch of hoops. When you just race out of work at three o'clock so you can get home, so you can be there for something, and you fight traffic, and you have all this stress around it, you make this Herculean effort, and your kids don't even want to hang out with you, it sucks. And it's also the reality. And I realized that when you fly across country and you make time to spend with your family because you know your parents are getting older.

And it's like, okay, it's not everything that you thought it would be. That's okay. What you need to keep reminding yourself is you're doing this because this is the person that you are. You're showing up because it matters for you. And you've got to figure out how to insert yourself into what's already going on. I'll give you a great example. Because I'm always trying to find time where I can get Oakley trapped in a car, right? Because I figure if we're in a car, then he's going to have to talk to me. I was so excited when we were going on college tours recently to check out some of the schools that he's considering. I thought, Oh, my gosh, it's going to be the best. We are going to be in the car for hours, and then we're going to get to tour with these colleges. And then on the drive home, we're going to get all this stuff that we're going to be able to talk about. Oh, my gosh, I can't wait. That is not what happened. Are you kidding? We get up at the crack of dawn. He brings a pillow. He sleeps the entire drive to the college.

We get into the tour, and he wants me to not be standing next to him. He's like four paces ahead of me because, of course, I'm embarrassing him. And if I ask a question, he shoots me a look, and then we get back in the car and we drive home. And you know what he does? He sticks his ear buds in and listens to an audiobook. Not exactly the massive profound bonding experience, but I don't care. I don't care. Because I got to be there, and I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. And I call my parents all the time, and I say, Hey, do you guys want to come out? I'd be happy to buy an airplane ticket. We'd love to see you. And they're like, Oh, my gosh, we're so busy, but you can come here. You're just chuckling, aren't you? If this matters to you, stop doing the tit for tat. Stop waiting for people to drop everything and be thrilled that you showed up. It's important because it's important to you. It's important because you're the person that shows up. And that's all you need to know.

And the other thing that you need to know is we have some amazing sponsors to the Mel Robbins podcast. So I want to take a quick break so they can tell you all about the awesome things that they can do. And while you're on this break, send this to somebody that you love. And if you're listening, and it's your parents that you miss, maybe you're working in a city and you're starting your career and you're thinking, oh, my God, I've spent 90% of the time that I have already with my parents. I only have 10% of time left. And every year it's going to be less. I miss my mom. They're like the coolest. Send this to them and tell them that this made you think about them and how much you love them and that you just wanted them to know. I promise you, it will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine. And when we come back, we're not done yet because we're just getting started with some of the small things that create amazing moments with the people that you love. So stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.

Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about how to make the most of the fleeting time that you have with the people that you love. And And you just heard about how making these plans is something that you're doing for you. And when you keep that in mind, it'll keep your ego and your frustration in check, and you will be able to show up and make the effort and be present and lower your expectation for how it actually goes. You know, let them. Because you know that this is about letting me take responsibility for making the most of the time that I have. So I feel really good about how I spent it. And that leads me to the fifth thing that I did that has made a huge difference that I want you to steal. And I've been alluding to it, okay? Which is really think not about how do I get someone to make plans with me or agree to plans, but how can I fit into someone's life? How can I do this in a way that doesn't disrupt what they're doing, that's convenient to them. And I think we make this mistake a lot, that we think that we got to plan something big, right?

That in order for it to be meaningful, we got to go away somewhere, we got to find a weekend, we got to do something profound that's going to take hours and hours and hours. And the truth is, that's not how you do it. You have to figure out how to become more present in someone's day-to-day life. Because if you make the mistake of thinking, Okay, I'm going to plan for my dad's 80th, which you need to do. You need to put that in the calendar, or else it's not going to get organized. But the bigger way to not have that experience of walking out of the room when the ice cube is intact and walking back in and it's fully gone, is to figure out how to stay in the room in tiny little ways. Here's a couple of things that I've thought about as it relates to Oakley. Yeah, I can be in in a car with him as we're driving to certain things, and that's a way to be present with him. But this has been a remarkable tip, which is, think about the person and what their life is like. And Oakley, being a senior in high school, he just wants to be with his friends.

I mean, this is the last time he's going to be with his friends. This is the last summer of his high school year. This is all happening before he goes off to college. And so given that he just wants to be with his friends, why don't I use that to my advantage? Instead of making him choose between me and his friends, why don't I make them part of the deal? Just think about it. I'm more likely to get him home for dinner if I text him and two friends, Hey, Sully. Hey, Noah. I'm making steaks on Friday. Why don't you guys all Come on over for dinner. They'll respond faster than Oakley will. Oh, yeah, Mel, I'll be there. And now, boom. I not only have my son, but I've got his friends. And now, because his friends are there, he's not going to be sitting there silently at dinner, just not wanting to talk. They're going to be chirping like birds. And so think about how to make it more welcoming for your kids' friends or for their significant other. And let me give you another example. So one of Oakley's favorite things to do after school or after sports is having dinner, and then he goes right up to his room, and he takes a shower, and then he parks himself in front of the video game monitors, and he pops on his headset, and he just hangs out with his friends, and they play Fortnite and all these other games.

I don't know what other games are playing right now. And Look, if I were upset about that because he's not spending time with me, I would be trying to make him choose between something he wants to do right now and hanging out with his friends, versus having a conversation with his mother in the living room. I mean, please. I'd be playing video games with my friends, too. But here's what I can do. I can take my coffee, and I can walk up to his bedroom, and I can knock on the door, and I can walk in, and I can pull up a chair, and I can sit off screen so I Don't embarrass him that his mom is sitting there and he can hang out while he's playing. I'm just showing interest. I'm in the room where the ice cube is. And look, he may get killed a couple of extra times because I'm distracting. But it's a way to be in their life, instead of trying to get them to make plans that take them out of their life. It's such a subtle difference, but it makes all the difference. To insert yourself. The same is true with your parents.

Don't make them change their plans. Go to them. Don't make them call you. Call them. I know they're retired. I know they got more time than you do. But for God's sakes, get out of the tit for tat, and stop thinking it's got to be big. It actually needs to be really small, because when it's really small, you can fit it into your day-to-day life, and it keeps you in the room with the ice cube. And that slows down this feeling. Feeling that things are melting. And here's the sixth thing that I did. I got very serious about being present, and here's how I did that. I talk a lot on the podcast about being where your feet are, and this is particularly true If you're going to stay in the room with the ice cube, and you're going to insert yourself into their life. And one of the ways that you can be more present, this is a huge thing that I've been super intentional about, and it's made a big, big, big difference in my time with Oakley, is as I'm aware that I'm not going to let time slip through my hands, you want to know what I don't have in my hands?

My phone. And this is something that has helped me this year in Feeling like I'm not letting the time that I have pass through my hands, just fly right through. And here's what it is, being where my feet are, not having my phone in my hand when I'm trying to be in the room with Oakley. See, the old Mel, it took everything I could just to get to the sporting event when our daughters were playing, right? If I actually made it there, I was that parent on the sidelines who was buried in my phone. I was sending emails, and then all of a sudden, all the parents around me would cheer, and I'd be like, What happened? Who scored? If the kids were like, Did you see me score? I'm like, Yeah, great play. I missed the whole thing. I would be the one that would step out of the bleachers to take a phone call near the end zone. I'd be pacing back and forth, trying to trying to make eye contact to get credit for being there. But was I there? Physically. But I was checking a box. I wasn't actually present watching the game.

I was working remote at my kid's game. Not the same thing. And I'm not saying that to make you or me wrong, because it was a Herculean effort just to get there. And that was enough at that point, but that's not good enough for me right now. So I make it a point to be where my feet are and to not have my phone in my hand. If Chris is at the sporting game, I leave my phone in the car because I can use his phone to take photos if I want to take photos. But if I'm going to the game and nobody's there, that phone is either in the car or in my pocket. Period. Same thing with being home at night. And this is a huge tip about being more present to the time that you have. Your phone is destroying your ability to be present. Your phone is robbing you of time. Your phone is like a torchblower on that ice cube because you are giving all of your attention and time to the damn phone instead of being present with the people in the room. And I know what you're about to say.

You're about to be like, But my kids are on the phone. Well, you're on your phone, too. You're on your phone, too. Why would they not be on their phone? One of the things that I have done to be where my feet are is that at night, it's very hard to reach me. My team will tell you, it's very, very hard to reach Mel from 6:00 to 8:00 at night. I'll tell you why, because I don't have my phone on my person. It is literally plugged in in my bathroom, or it is plugged in in in my office, upstairs above the garage. And the reason why I don't have my phone on me is because I want to be physically present in the same room, even if my son is on his or listening to something, I want to make sure that I'm there. Not because I'm doing it for him, but because I'm doing it for me. And if I'm being, again, brutally honest, this used to be a huge issue with me and my mom, because I would make an effort to go spend time with them, but I was on my phone and I was working the whole time I was there.

I was doing everything that I could to try to fulfill the obligations at work and also be a good daughter. But it came to a head one year when I called my mom and I said, Hey, I want to come down and see you and dad, but I only have a day and a half. I'm going to fly in between one speech and then fly out. My mom said, Don't bother coming. I was like, What? And she said, I would rather not see you than have you come and have you be working on your laptop or sitting on your phone and having me just feel like you're squeezing me in. Wow. And you know what? She's right. And she has every right to say that. And if that's you in your life, I'm not making you wrong. I'm not making you wrong because I've been there. And if you are dying for more quality time with somebody in your life, and they're always working, or they're always on the phone, maybe you need to say what my mom said to me. Because I'll tell you what, it was a wake-up call. Wait a minute. You'd rather I not come?

Then I make a Herculean I can effort and work all the time, but I can be present. But see, this is the thing. Is it about the quantity of time that you're spending there? Or the quality of time? And I'm asking you to ask yourself this, because these are the questions I'm asking myself. As I look at these melting ice cubes in my life, and I get very clear that this is a huge priority for me. And that brings me to the final thing I keep telling myself. It's It's not too late. It's not too late, period. And I want you to understand that simply making it a habit to start to reach out and check in on people that you love, that is enough to start to take control of this. The research shows that you underestimate the profound power of receiving a simple text from a friend that you haven't heard from in a while. In fact, this morning, I woke up and I got out of bed and there was a video on my phone from my friend Anne, and I haven't seen Anne in a month. Or gosh, it might have been two months.

We text occasionally, but there was a video from her, and it was hilarious because she was like, How's your book going? I know you're writing a book, and she was singing this little song as she's going on a walk, and she's like, Get the book written, get the book written because I miss you. Let's make a plan. I love you. It's hilarious. And so you know what I did? I sang her a song back on video while I was literally still in my pajamas, and I hadn't even brushed my teeth, and I had my retainer in. And it makes me feel closer to her. Just that one connection. And one of the things that we've done in our extended family that has really made a significant difference in the last couple of years is we've created an extended family group chat. I know that your family probably has a group chat, so do we, with you and your kids or you and your immediate family. I guarantee you, it's probably 90% logistics, right? You run in the grocery store, you let the dog out. Well, our extended family, which is my brother and his family, they live outside of Chicago.

My parents, they're in Michigan and sometimes in Florida. Our kids, so some of us are in Vermont. Our daughter Sawyer was in Asia, our other daughter is in LA. We have this family group chat with 12 of us in it and a hilarious name. It's active every day. And you want to know how it started? It started thanks to Wurtle, that little word puzzle game in the New York Times. See, during the pandemic, we started sharing our Wurtle, what are they called? Responses, when you do the game and then it shows you how many you got or what you didn't get. So we just started casually sharing them. And it just spun into this incredible way to stay connected, to be in the room with each other, so to speak, at least virtually. And yeah, my brother and my sister-in-law, my husband and I, are the ones that truly keep it going. But the kids chime in. There are cute pictures of dogs. There's photos of the water polo matches in Chicago with my nephews playing. There's pictures from Sawyer in Asia. There's a text there from Kendall recording sessions and music in LA. There are fun memes.

There are lots of hearts of the things that the adults are posting by my name. And I am shocked by how much closer I feel to everyone. Because if I'm seeing their names and seeing photos most days, I don't have that sensation of leaving a room and walking back in and being surprised by how much time has passed. Again, it's a simple way to stay in the room that someone's in and insert yourself into their life and what they're already doing. And so now that you have someone in mind, because remember at the very beginning, I said, you have to make this a priority. Who is the person for you? Create a group chat with a bigger group around that person and that group of friends or that extended family. And by the way, if you're sitting here and you're saying, But it is too late. The ice cube has not only melted, it's gone. That the person that you wish you had more time with has died, like Chris's dad did. Don't pummel yourself with regret about all the time that has slipped through your hands and the love that you didn't get to express while they're still here.

You still feel all that love, and here's what you can do with Name the person who's still in your life and make them a priority right now. Use this life lesson to get serious about spending time with the person who's still here. You know what makes this melting ice cube metaphor really profound? It's that my friend Dave, who shared it with me, passed away really suddenly last year. Just another painful A reminder that life does pass you by, that the ice cube is melting, that your life is finite, and so is the time that you have with the people that you love. So hug your kids every single chance you get. And if your parents are still here, hug them too, because you can't stop the ice cube from melting, but you can recognize that it is. And now you can do something about it. So you said when you feel like you belong, you have this state of flow. I would also guess that other words that people say is that they're very present, that their minds are not racing ahead, that there is nothing in the moment that you need to manage, and that there is this peace and freedom.

Like you're calm, you're anchored. There's the absence of the panic or anxiousness, or activation.

Yes. And the activation is an interesting word because I can think to certain friend groups that I was a part of, or certain people I was dating, or certain classes, for example, that I was taking in college, or certain jobs that I hated, where the moment I was walking into the classroom or into work, or I was sitting at a table with my supposed friends and air quotes, I was not anchored and at peace. I was so active in my mind and thinking about other things and worried about something and not able to feel anchored or at peace in those experiences. I personally believe, based on the number of people that write in and the size of the audience on our social channels channels, and the podcast, that most people have a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute experience of being activated and not belonging.

Yes.

How does somebody know, and I I want you listening to us. I want you to think about where is the easiest place for somebody to spot this for themselves so that they can recognize a place in their life where they're not able to be their authentic self and where they get into this particular part of their life, and it's very activating.

So I love, love, love, love, love this question for so many reasons. So first of all, in my book, We've Got This, I introduce this concept, which I call our core wisdom. And in fact, Mel, if you said to me, Ritu, Tell everyone today what is the number one thing that you did to bring more belonging and authenticity into your life, to bring more ease and joy and flow and peace into your life. What was that?

Ritu, tell us the number one thing that you did to bring more joy and ease and peace into your life. I could pick up what you're putting down, woman. So tell us, because I want to know.

And by the way, I'm a work in progress, everyone. Before you think like, Oh, wow, Ritu really has it all figured out. Her life is perfect and whatever, I would tell you, my life feels like it's a fucking mess all the time, and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed, and, and, and, and. However, I am always anchored to who I am. I often will say, here I am anchored. The good swirls around me, the bad, the ugly, everything is swirling around me, and I am anchored. And why? The number one thing that I did to bring more authenticity, belonging, and joy into my life is cultivate what I call my core wisdom.

What the hell is that?

Yeah, right. Good question. So Our core wisdom is the inner knowing that pushes us to tune into ourselves and say to ourselves, in any situation, any interaction, any moment we're in, whether it's a moment of joy or a moment of feeling stressed or a moment of deep pain, whatever it is, we tune in and we say to ourselves, what's my mind saying right now? And in a moment of joy, we'll be saying, oh, I feel so good. This feels really good. Or I really like her. For example, right now, I'm really enjoying this. But in a stressful moment, And they'll say, Oh, my God, I'm such a loser. See, I'm always a loser. And I can tell he's judging me. And this is why I shouldn't speak. And no, don't speak. And I knew you didn't like me. So we hear the narrative in the head, in the mind. We hear the voice. Our core wisdom also pushes us to say, What am I feeling in my body? So let's go back to what I was sharing earlier. Belonging is a feeling. A lack of belonging is a feeling. What is You'll know the difference between fitting in and actually being who we are?

You'll know the difference based on what your body is telling you. So our core wisdom says, in this moment, in this experience, what is my body feeling and sensing? And we start to tune in. We feel the stress in our chest, and we'll feel that we're starting to sweat, and we'll feel the heat on our face. And then coupled with the negative narratives in our head, you're a loser. You suck. See, don't Don't speak. Don't be who you are. They're going to judge you. We hear all of this and feel all of this happening. And in that moment, we leap into using our core wisdom strategies, which include, Oh, no, negate inner saboteur. I'm not going to let you talk to me that way. And we have our affirmations or our mantras, our self-coaching ready to go, because we're like, No way. Ritu Baseen, stand in your power. Ritu Baisin, speak. Or my favorite thing, Ritu Baseen, you've got this. If you don't speak Who will? So then my affirmations and mantra start going, but then my body is still activated. So then I start doing my deep breathing work in that moment. And I start this deep breathing.

I take my hands, I rub it on my thighs or put it on my chest, rub my fingers. I feel the tears coming up and I say, cry, let it out, let it out. Oh, you don't want to do it right here because they're watching, you don't feel comfortable? That's okay. Come back to this later. It's called emotional release or emotional discharge. It goes back to the activation. When we feel like we're being judged, what's actually happening in the body is that as human beings, we're animals and we're governed by our nervous systems. All day long, our nervous systems are clocking for harmful things in the environment. Back in the day, although for some people, I think maybe you, Mel, given how your early morning hikes, we're clocking for bears in forests. Most of us are not clocking for bears in forests. What's happening is, Oh, see, you didn't say my name right, or you rolled your eyes when I was speaking, or you raised your eyebrow when you saw what I was wearing, or you keep interrupting me, or I hear the tone in your voice when you're talking to me versus talking to him, whatever it is, those disrespects, those hurtful things that we're clocking, the body intakes as attacks.

It's not the same as being attacked by bear, but it doesn't matter. The body is like, See, you don't like me. And that's what causes this activation. And when this is happening, energy is generated in the body, which could show up as trembling, shaking because we're so shocked or we're so upset. Could be tears. But the problem is, as humans, We override. And so what happens is the surge of energy comes up, the activation, the tears want to start. We want to start shaking, trembling, let out a moan or a cry. We say, no, don't do that because you'll be judged. And we push those sensations down. Our core wisdom says to us, come back to it. So for example, I literally, after I've had a stressful thing happen or I'm grieving right now because my mother is dying of Alzheimer's, I have all day long, I feel the grief. I'm like, no, you're at work, keep going, keep going. But I come back to the moment later in the evening, and I'll take my memory back to my mom or whatever has happened during the day that it's difficult. And then I'll put on my music, my calming music.

I'll feel the tears come up, and I let the tears out, and I cry and let it out. Why? Because I don't want that energy to be trapped in me. But the other thing I'll mention here as it ties to our core wisdom is that I also do this with joy, because I feel like for a lot of us, we have capacity or we spend a lot of time with the pain, and what we're not doing enough of is spending time with the joy. And joy isn't just a mind thing. Oh, this is so nice, and I'm really enjoying this And isn't this experience with my family pretty and nice? It's the actually feeling it in my body. And then the very last thing I'll say about core wisdom is that, first of all, it can be developed. The more we do it, we develop it. It's like a muscle, of course, is that we want to develop our core wisdom so that we build more settled nervous system so that we are more settled, so that we're less likely to be activated. And when we are triggered by the horrible shit that What happens to us, we're able to address it.

And so like many experiences, there is no blue pill or red pill that we can take and like, oh, look at that instantly. I am healed. It's not like that. It's a journey. But the better we We get the better and better we get, the less rattled we are and the happier we are or more joyful. Let's say more joyful.

There was this one morning where I walked into the bathroom and I was standing in my underwear, brushing my teeth in front of the mirror. I looked up at the mirror and my first thought was, I noticed that my jowels were starting to look like saddle bags on a pack horse at the Grand Canyon. I had these crazy lines by my eyes, and my neck was really saggy, and one boob was hanging lower than the other, and my gray hair was coming As soon as I started critiquing my thoughts or my looks and appearance, then my mind, Rich, started going, Fuck, I didn't get that email back to that person, and I got that presentation I need to do, and my God, did that speech just cancel again? What the fuck am I going to do? I looked down and the dog needs to be walked, and then I think, I got a Zoom call in nine minutes. I got to get my shit. Before I knew it, my whole mood was low. I felt overwhelmed. I had taken myself down mentally. I just wanted somebody to walk in and be like, Mel, it's going to be okay.

You got this, girl. It's lift your head up. You can handle this. I don't know what came over me, Rich. This is pathetic. But standing there in my underwear in front of my bathroom sink, I raise my hand and high five my reflection. I cracked a smile because it's so fucking corny. I even thought of that guy, Stuart Smiley, from the SNLs, remember that I'm nice, I'm kind, people like me. Went on with my day. That was it.

Snap the photo, though.

No, not that one. Oh, not that one.

Not the first time.

And then I kept doing it. I did it probably for a week or two. And here's the weird thing about it. I started when I woke up after doing this high five, your own reflection in the mirror thing, I actually started to feel I feel like I was looking forward to it. And here's why. I've spent a lifetime just like you, standing in front of the mirror. And what I realize now is that when I'm standing in front of a mirror, I'm either critiquing or picking myself apart, or I'm ignoring myself. When you start to high five your own reflection, it starts to build a partnership within you with yourself. When you walk into the bathroom and you see your reflection and you've been greeting it, it's like seeing another person. It's the strangest thing. You start to realize how often you ignore or destroy yourself when you see yourself or beat yourself up. Here's what's also crazy. You have a lifetime positive association with high-fiving other people. Sure. As a runner, as a racer, you have gotten so many high-fives, Rich. What does a high-five say to you when somebody gives you one?

You feel seen, you feel appreciated, you feel feel energized by it, and it's an exchange of energy. It's not the same, and you talk about this in the book, it's not the same as self-talk because there's a participation involved in it. There's a communion aspect to it.

Yeah. If you think about it, you're so good at celebrating, seeing, and cheering for other people in your life. You plan birthday parties, you reach out to people when you're worried about them, you help out colleagues, you cheer for your favorite sports teams, You high five people like Rich as they're running races past you, you buy people's merchandise. You do all kinds of stuff for other people, but nobody's taught you how to do it for yourself. In fact, the reason why it feels fucking weird to high five your own reflection is because you've been taught to do the opposite.

Why is the default to just beat ourselves down like that? I mean, it is crazy. We would never treat anyone else in our lives, especially the people we care about, the way that we treat ourselves in terms of the self-talk or the narrative or the critique or the harshness with which we judge our appearances, our behavior, the way we think back on things that we said the other day and just are horrified by our own selves. I don't know if it's everybody. Everybody.

Most people. Except for Buddhist. I think that if you're a big practicing Buddhist, that's a monk. Right. That's like just- Why can't the default default be the good things, though? Why is it wired that way? You know why? There's cognitive bias. There's a bias towards negativity. It's a protection mechanism that's a default from evolution, that if you remember the bad shit, you're more likely to spot it when it happens in the future. So you can avoid it. Here's where I think it begins. I believe my theory is that it begins two places. Either you, or that could be both actually, you either learned the pattern of beating yourself up because you had parents or caregivers that were hard on themselves or hard on you. And so as a child, you absorb that pattern, and you now repeat it, and you don't even realize it. Those moments you're like, Oh, my God, I sound just like my dad or my mom. That is an example of a pattern that you've absorbed. Particularly for women, we've watched our mothers be critical about their appearance. We've watched our mothers ignore and criticize themselves in the mirror. We learn that from our caregivers.

That's one place. The second place that we learn it is when the drive in your life becomes fitting in. Fitting into groups in elementary, middle, high school, college, your neighborhood, that feels safe when you fit in. When you feel like you don't belong, you immediately go into a protection mechanism. I believe a lot of the negative self-taught is a sorting hat type of mentality that we do to ourselves going, I can't be with those people. I can't be with those people. It's safe to be with those people. You start to see yourself and the world around you as places where you belong and places where you don't. And part of the criticism, as fucked up as it sounds, that we engage in all the time is, don't be too big, don't be too loud, don't show yourself too much, don't have blue hair, don't do this. Other people won't like you. It starts as a way to protect yourself from being rejected. But the truth is, you develop a habit of fucking rejecting yourself.

Right. Meanwhile, you're further divorcing yourself from who you truly are because you're not giving yourself permission to be yourself. That gets sublimated in favor of fitting in and accommodating other people and acclimating your behavior around what will be approved of.

Yes. For me, I have clearly a lifetime of beating myself up and tearing myself down and regretting decisions that I made and in the middle of stumbling through life instead of being like, It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, being like, you're really I'm fucked up now, Mel. How does that help? How does criticizing and being hard on yourself help? And that brings me to the four lessons that I learned this year as I tried to be happier, as I tried to heal, all of which came the hard way. And I'm going to share each one of them with you. And I'm also going to give you specific examples about how you can use them in your own life. And I really hope that you embrace these, okay? Lesson number one. Lesson number one is about happiness. And the lesson is this. Drop the sword. Mel, what the hell does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. Drop the sword means stop fighting against your own happiness. The interesting thing about life is that when you audit your year and you make a decision like I made a decision a year ago to go, This is the year I'm going to be happy.

You know what happens? Life doesn't just go, Okay, abracadabra, Mel, now you're happy. Mm-mm. That's not how it works. Life then hands you all sorts of challenging situations so that you You can learn how to be happy. Here's what I realized when I look back over the last 12 months, I realized how often I was the one who was fighting against my happiness, that I was the one that was picking up a sword and just waiting for something to go wrong, that I'm bracing for it, that I'm ready for the fight. I started to explore this concept with my therapist over the last 12 months, and that's where this term drop the sword came from. When I looked honestly at my life, I could see I always brought a sword to the fight. I could see that I was blocking my ability to allow happiness in. So what does that actually mean, Mel? Well, let me tell you. I want you to think about the visual of dropping a sword. Because if you're holding a sword, like you got a sword up and you're gripping and you got a tight grip and you're ready for battle.

What does that feel like in your body? Well, you feel on edge, don't you? You feel tense. But when you visualize dropping the sword, something interesting happens. You're your energy shifts. It softens. Your mindset changes because you're not bracing. I was stunned by how powerful this example is visually, because I don't think you realize, at least I didn't, how much you are blocking happiness from entering your life. You block it with your energy. You block it with your attitude. You block it based on the stories you tell yourself. That's what I was doing. So that's the lesson I'm sharing with you. And here's what I want you to do for just the next 24 hours. Just notice in any situation. Do you have a sword? Are you bracing for what's about to happen next? When you notice that you're in that stance, when you're in that energy, when you're in that mindset, just drop the sword. Don't be on the hunt for what's wrong. Stop assuming that things aren't going to work out. Stop complaining. Stop bracing When you see the phone ringing, and it's your mother, or it's your boss. What if you just allowed yourself to enjoy life?

What if you softened in to this moment, into this day, into this year? Drop the sword. Because here's the thing, if you need it, you can pick it up. If you need to fight, if you need to brace. But the truth is, the majority of the time, you don't need the sword. Bracing when you walk into Work blocks happiness. Bracing when you're standing in line and you want to order a coffee and it's taken a little longer because the person in front of you is buying six cups. Bracing blocks happiness. You don't need to be tense because somebody hasn't texted to do back. When you stop bracing and you stop showing up to life like everything's a fight, when you stop being so mad at everything, you open up, you soften up, and you create room to let the good stuff in and to enjoy yourself. So that's lesson number one. Drop the sword. Now, when we come back, I've got three more incredible lessons that I want you to hear from one of the craziest years of my life. So don't go anywhere because they're up next. Hey, it's your friend Mel. And do not skip this because I have something to give you for free.

No kidding. Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024. Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29-page workbook. I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos, supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024. And then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it. Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every Every step of the way. You and me, baby, let's create the best year ever. Just click the link. Boom, I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I am so thrilled that you are here. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here with me. I'm so glad I get to teach this to you. I'm sharing the four lessons that I learned after auditing what has been one of the craziest years of my life. I just shared the first lesson, which is drop the sword.

It has to do with happiness. Now, let's talk about the second lesson. The second lesson is this. Forget about balance. Focus on boundaries. Like you, I have always been in the pursuit of trying to balance work, life, time for myself. I'll tell you, last year was the year that I finally realized, Mel, screw balance. You need boundaries. See, here's the thing about balance, especially if you want to be happier, you think, Oh, I need balance. I need balance. Well, balance is something you wish for. Boundaries are what you need to create. Another insight that I had about balance is that if you're busy seeking balance, you know what ends up happening? You literally put every part of your life in competition with every other part of your life. Because the word balance presumes that everything in your life has equal weight, otherwise it won't balance, right? Well, that's just not true. Here's what I've discovered. Heard that seeking balance as a way to be happier or a way to have everything, it actually creates resentment in your life. For example, if work is really demanding, let's say you love your job, but it's been really demanding, and then you start to feel like your life is out of balance, what happens?

You start to resent work. Or if you come home from work, and even though you're seeking balance, you're exhausted, and your kids just want to do something that you don't want to do, what do you do? You resent your kids. Here's why I love boundaries, because boundaries requires you to be responsible for how everything in your life will fit together. Boundaries get created based on, Well, what is my top priority and what are my needs in the moment? See, boundaries are an active choice. Boundaries require you to They're self-aware. They require you to get in touch with what you value. Here's my biggest insight about really focusing on boundaries this year. Your boundaries are not for other people. They're not for anybody else. You create boundaries for you. I I'm going to say this again. Your boundaries are for you because boundaries are where you are saying yes and where you say no. Boundaries highlight what's important to you and what's not important to you. Here's the other big takeaway I learned about boundaries. People are not mind readers. Boundaries only work if you're willing to communicate them. I'm going to give you two examples of how I just started forgetting about balance, and I started focusing on boundaries, and how that It helped me create a better life and achieve goals during this year, where there's so many things going on.

It was so crazy. Balance was a freaking joke, and trying to pursue it made me miserable. And by the way, great boundaries, this is what's crazy, make your life feel as though it's more in balance, because with boundaries, absolutely everything can fit in in a way that it's supposed to fit in, based on what's important to you. Let me give you an example. One of my goals for this past year was to be more present with my family. Why? Because this was a year about healing and happiness. So I created a boundary with myself, and here it is. Mel, when you're home or you're with your family, your phone is not on your body. That was my boundary. So if we were out as a family, my phone is in my bag. If I'm at home, do you know where my phone is? It's either in my bathroom, plugged in, or it is in the kitchen, plugged in. And look, if you've listened to this podcast or you've followed me on social media for a long time, or you've seen me speak at a big corporate event. You know that I have really good boundaries already with my phone because I don't sleep with it.

I don't have it near me. I keep it in a different room, and I have that boundary in place so that I can get up in the morning and put myself first and have a great morning routine. But this year, I took boundaries with my phone up an entirely new notch. I just don't have it on me when I'm with my family. You want to know what? It works. I feel like I spent a a lot of time with my family. You want to know the truth? I didn't spend any more time or less time with my family than I did the year before. I was just present during the time I was with them because of the boundary. There's a lot of powerful We're going to do a research here. In fact, I think we need to do an entire episode on this. There's this thing that everybody's talking about, and there's a big New York Times article about it. It's called Fubbing, a. K. A. Phone Snubbing. Just combine the word phone with snubbing for fubbing. Okay? It basically means you are snubbing the people that are sitting there right around you in real life when you are standing next to them and you're looking your phone.

Here's the interesting thing about the research. Studies show that phone snubbing makes the people around you feel like they're being ostracized by you, and they also start to distrust you. Another study shows that if you start fubbing or snubbing people with your phone, it can lead to this ripple effect when you're with your family or your friends, and I bet you've experienced this. Let's just say that Chris is on his phone and I'm waiting to talk to him, and I start to feel like, Oh, my God, he's ignoring me. He's standing next to me and he's busy scrolling through social media. So what do you end up doing? You just pick up your phone and you start scrolling, too. Well, this year I did not do that, at least not as much as I used to. I'll tell you, this boundary was so cool because it made me realize how great it is to be more present with the people that you love and how often it's just the damn phone that keeps you from doing it. The truth is, it would never have happened without a boundary. If I had just said, I need balance between work and home, it wouldn't have happened.

I'm going to give you another example because boundaries are so powerful. I set another boundary with my health. I am really committed to improving my gut health and balancing my hormone health. You may already know this, but in case you don't, I am in the throes of menopause cause, and I feel like my body is changing because it is changing. All the things that I used to do in terms of my habits and what I eat and how I exercise, they're just not working. I'm freaking frustrated by it. Like you, every single time We have a great expert on the Mel Robbins podcast. I learned so much, and I want to give a shout out to Dr. Amy Shaw because I learned so many amazing things about gut health from her. She appeared three different times on the Mel Robbins podcast. One of the favorite things that she taught me was the research around caffeine, adenosine, and the brain, and also the research about how your estrogen, like absorption for hormone health, has a ton to do with your gut health. When I learned all this, it inspired me to create a boundary with coffee in the morning.

I know, sounds weird. Just hear me out. But I used to be the person that when I would wake up, I would drag myself like army crawl my way to the coffee maker. I would slam a cup of coffee before anything else hit my lips. I don't do that anymore because of science. Now I wake up, I drink 16 ounces of water first thing in the morning, and I have a boundary. I do not have coffee until at least 90 minutes into the day, oftentimes later. I usually only have coffee with breakfast, not on an empty stomach. On most days, that's the only cup of coffee I have. I got to tell you, this is a huge Much positive change for me. I used to drink 4-5 cups of coffee a day. And with these changes, I do feel healthier. I do feel less bloated. And the crazy part is, I feel more energized and focused with just one One Cup of coffee because of the science and because of adenosine. Now, if you want to learn more about this research and you missed the one where she was talking about it, just follow this podcast because the very next episode that I'm releasing is about the 8 Small Habits that I from experts on the Mel Robbins podcast over the past 12 months.

We share that amazing research from Dr. Amy Shaw in the episode that's coming next. All right. Speaking of coming next, let's hit the pause button. I want you to hear a word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring you not only this podcast, but all the things that we do at zero cost. I love our sponsors, so take a listen. When we come back, I'm going to be waiting for you, and I'm going to be ready to tell you the final two lessons that I learned the hard way so you don't have to. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I'm so glad you're here because I got two more lessons to teach you from one of the craziest years of my life. So just to quickly recap, the first one was about happiness, dropping the sword and allowing more happiness in. The second lesson that we just covered was, Forget balance, focus on boundaries. Third lesson, I love this one. You ready? Frustration is a very good thing. Yup, I said it. Frustration. This is a lesson, a big lesson I learned this year. Frustration is not a sign that things are terrible.

Frustration is a sign that you're growing. I have to laugh as I share this lesson with you because if you think When I thought about what I was saying in the beginning, I told you that I always have to learn things the hard way. One of the reasons why these lessons feel so hard to me is because I always feel so frustrated about some aspect of my life right before I get it. What I'm realizing is, of course you do, Mel. It's hard to learn life lessons because you feel frustrated, and you're frustrated because you're growing. You hadn't gotten the lesson yet. Here's the takeaway that I just want to to you like a gigantic gift. Frustration is a good thing because it just means you've outgrown some aspect of your life. You're not meant to stay in a place or a situation or in a system that no longer suits you. That's why you're frustrated. Before the break, remember that I said I was frustrated with my body because all the habits that I had in my 40s were no longer working now that I'm in menopause? Well, frustration is just a sign that I've outgrown the habits that I had in my 40s.

And now that I'm in my 50s, I need to up-level my habits. That's all that it means. This lesson is critical. I want you to think about the five main areas of your life: health and wellness, career money in school, relationship, Friendships, love and friendship, fun and happiness, purpose, spirituality, and meaning. Anytime you feel frustrated with your health, or work or school, or money, or with any relationship, or even with the sense of just that something's missing, that sense of not having purpose. Let me tell you, that frustration that you're feeling is good. You're not going to stay stuck there. You only have frustration because you've outgrown something. That's it. So stop making it so personal. Stop telling yourself you're broken. You're not broken. You've just outgrown something. When you make frustration personal, like something's wrong, something's wrong. No, something's got to change. Stop aiming at it yourself. Frustration is just a signal that something isn't working. And boy, I have felt frustrated most of this year. And looking back, I now know why. And it's ironic that I felt frustrated on the year I was working on healing and happiness, but it is what it is.

Here's why I felt frustrated, because this was a year of hyper, hyper, hyper growth for me, especially at work. And so let's apply the lesson. If you think about frustration as a good thing, that's step one. Now, what you can do is you can look for what is the opportunity to grow. I want you to follow a method that I use. I created this. I call it the three P's. You ready? The three P's stand for project, process, people. So in any area of your life where you're frustrated, number one, turn this into a project. Do not make this personal. Frustration Frustration is a sign. You've outgrown something, so you're going to turn it into a project, okay? Number two, you're going to ask yourself, Okay, what process is broken? A process is the way in which you're doing something. It could be It could be the way you communicate. It could be the way that you organize yourself at work. It could be the way that you operate in a meeting. It could be any process that you're in. There is a process when you're frustrated that you have been following that just no longer works for you.

It doesn't match where you're going. That's why you feel frustrated because the process is stunting something about your growth. The third P, I want you to look around at the people that you're around. Here's the catch. The most important person in the equation when you're frustrated is you. And so you're going to ask yourself, Am I frustrated because I've outgrown the people that I'm around? Or am I frustrated because I've outgrown the dynamic? So let me give you a personal example. So our daughter, Kendall, just flew home Los Angeles, literally yesterday, and she's 23, and she and I are so similar. And if you listen to any of the family episodes, particularly the one where we shared four secrets of a successful relationship, what I learned from a fight with my daughter. That's the one where we were laughing at each other. We're like, Fighting like this and whispering so that we didn't remember. Well, sure enough, she was here for about an hour, and we were already at each other. I am so frustrated by our dynamic. It has been this way for years. Here's what it means. It just means that there's something that I need to shift in the process of how the two of us interact with one another.

And guess what? If I focus on myself, there are so many I can do things that I can do. I can drop the sword, right? So I can stop bracing, which shifts the energy, which softens me. I can use the let them theory. That's a great way not to get pulled into the dynamic and to create space for something else. Here's another example of an area that I've been frustrated with: work. I worked way too much this year. I talked a lot about this, but let me just share a little bit. I never expected the podcast to be this successful out of the gate. It was not the big goal. My goal this past year was happiness and healing. I was not like, I'm going to work like crazy and dominate and pop. That's not what happened. The truth is, I even feel bad feeling frustrated about it because I love this podcast. I love working with my team on this podcast. I love talking to you twice a week. I hate that it has been very frustrating. Before I tell you why it was frustrating, I want to make sure I thank you because all of this runaway success is because of you and because of our team, but it's mostly because of you.

You made the Mel Robbins podcast, the number five most followed podcast of the entire year on all of Apple podcasts. It's your shares, your listens, the amount of time that you have spent with me. I mean, this doesn't happen. What you did, this is unheard of because this is not a celebrity show. They're not famous people stopping by here promoting their stuff. I'm not a famous sports figure dating the world's biggest pop superstar, talking to my brother. I love those guys. But I'm like a 55-year-old mother of three, and I'm not trying to undersell myself. I know I've done amazing things, But I never launched my own podcast. I didn't expect this level of success. I'll tell you, there have been times this year where it has been exhilarating. It is so exhilarating to be 55 years old and trying things you've never done. It is so exhilarating to be this creative. It is so exhilarating to make an impact in your life. You know what else it's been? Freaking frustrating. Crazy frustrating and overwhelming to work 90 hours a week for an entire year, especially when I had made a commitment to heal and be happy.

It's crazy frustrating to feel like you're always behind, to feel like you're always reinventing the wheel, to constantly be trying to figure things out because you've actually never done this before. And what I know is that any place that you're frustrated, this is a huge lesson this year, over and over and over again, I would say to myself, It's not you. Stop aiming this. I'm not frustrated with myself. I am frustrated with the feeling like, I know I need to upgrade how I'm working. Remember what I said at the top? You have to slow down. If you're in a moment in your life where you're frustrated about something, you feel like you're getting run over by your marriage or the situation with your parents or work or school, you have to slow down. Because when you slow down and you stop making this personal and you stop punishing yourself, what you will realize is exactly what we have realized, that our small but mighty amazing team has completely outgrown all the processes and systems that we use to launch the podcast. Recognizing frustration as a sign of growth allows you to step back, allows you to be strategic instead of emotional.

It allows you to solve a problem. That's what we've done. It's why we've opened these new studios in Boston. In fact, you might have even heard a little while ago, some of the construction that's happening outside Because we haven't even soundproof the room yet. I thought it'd be so cool to be in this really cool area of Boston, and I forgot, Mel, Boston is not exactly Vermont, where our studio is in a place above my garage, where I only need to worry about when Mike, the UPS driver, pulls in and our dog Yolo goes bananas. Here, holy cow, there are buildings going up everywhere. But whatever. And knowing that I don't have to see frustration as a sign that we're failing. I can see frustration as a sign that we're growing. And this is a really important lesson for you to embrace, particularly at work and when you're learning something new. Because when you're learning something new or you're in a hyper-growth period in work or with your side hustle, you will feel like you're out over the tips of your skis. It can make you feel like, I'm not good at this. I'm screwing this up.

I do not want you to think about it that way. Instead, here's the lesson. The next time you're frustrated, think, Oh, wait a minute. Okay, I'm frustrated because I don't have the support and the systems that I need to get me where I'm going. How do I take a step back and slow down and create the systems and support that will represent where I want to get to, not where I am right now. And by the way, exact same lesson in your life. Think about habits. What are habits? Habits are just systems and processes in your life that you repeat. So if, for example, you're frustrated with your health and you're frustrated with your inability to stick to things that you want to do to make yourself healthier, instead of aiming that at yourself like you're some loser that's never going to get this right, forget that. You just have outgrown the systems and processes that you use. That's it. It's not about you. It's about the systems. Maybe you need a different process for how you buy groceries, how you stock the fridge. Maybe you need different foods in there. Maybe you need to adopt one of my favorite all-time processes when it comes to making a new habit stick.

Write it on a Post-it note, stick it on your mirror. Maybe you need a new morning routine. That's a process, by the way. It's a process you follow every single morning. If yours no longer supports you, don't worry about it. In fact, in a few episodes, I'm going to hammer you about what you need to do every morning, and I'm going to help you make it easier. Here's the bottom line. When you feel frustrated, good, good. It's a sign that you're growing. It's a sign that you need to update systems. It's a sign that you need to either change the people you're around or change the way you're around the other people. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and do not skip this because I have something to give you for free. No kidding. Say goodbye to 2023. Let's say hello to 2024. Make it the best year ever. I have a free 29-page workbook. I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube, watching all of our videos, supporting our work. I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024. And then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it.

Then I'll be here on motivating you every step of the way. You and me, baby, let's create the best year ever. Just click the link. Boom. I'll take you to the page. You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you. I love you. Let's do this. All right. One final lesson. You ready? Me too. I love this one. I love this one. I'm going to be curious to hear which one's your favorite of these four. Change takes a year. I really love of this lesson because, gosh, we just want to speed things up, don't we? Always. Just imagine if you gave yourself permission to dream really, really big right now, and you gave yourself the grace of a year. I keep referring back to this episode that we recorded with my family, and I'm thinking about this moment when this listener called in, and she was really distraught because the My family had moved during her daughter's high school year, and now her daughter was really struggling because she was in a brand new high school. It was her sophomore year.

She was starting to feel anxious and lonely. I'll never forget what my kids said. They said, You got to give it a year. You got to give that change a year. And they're right. It's a simple lesson. But boy, is it important? When I think about anything in my life, whether it's this podcast or building the new studios or moving to Vermont or trying to get my gut and hormone health all sorted out, doesn't it feel better to say yourself, It'll take a year. It'll take a year of stopping and starting, a year of figuring this out, a year of learning, a year of experimenting with systems or processes. So whether right now you're making a big change in school or you're trying to make new friends, or you're at a new job, or a new business, or you've moved to a new city, or there's anything in your life that you really want to change for the better, give yourself a year because your whole life can change in a year. And when you get serious about what you want, and you get intentional about what systems and processes you create to support that change, whether these are systems at work or the habits that you have in your daily life.

You will change your whole life in a year. I've been saying it a lot that every single day when you wake up, you can decide who you're going to be. And the reason why it's so important to wake up and either consciously choose, decide, or set an intention about who you're going to be. The reason why this is so important to start doing every single morning is because if you don't consciously decide who you're going to be, your habits, your old patterns, and the stress of the day will decide it for you. You see, human beings, this was so liberating when I learned that human beings are nothing more than a ton of patterns. We learn patterns from other people, and then we repeat those patterns. And so if you find that you're stuck in a rut, or you're overwhelmed, or you're in a negative place, and you are really tired of being there, the first step to getting the life that you want is you must wake up every morning and interrupt the patterns and the automatic nature of how you go through your day, just going through the motions. And the simplest way to do that is to wake up and set an intention.

So when I say, decide who you're going to be, what I'm talking about is, what mood are you going to be in? How are you going to behave? What are you going to show up and do today? Are you going to be motivated? Are you going to be patient? Are you going to be present? Are you going to be grateful? Those are decisions that you can make. And when you wake up in the morning and you set an intention, today, today I am going to see the good. Today, I am going to be optimistic. Today, I'm going to turn off the television when I get home. I'm going to spend an hour on my dreams. When you wake up and set an intention and you decide who you're going to be today and how you're going to show up and what it's going to feel like to be you, you take control of the day. And you give yourself an anchor to keep coming back to so that when something stresses you out or you catch yourself thinking negative things or you get a text or somebody doesn't respond to you and you start to feel discouraged, come back to your intention.

Today, I said I would be optimistic. Today, I said I would see the good. Today, I said, no matter how tired I am, when I get home tonight, I'm going to find an hour for me. That's what I mean, Night Queen B, when I say, decide who you're going to be today. And that's why I think it's so powerful when you wrap your mind around the fact that every single day, you get to wake up and decide who you're going to be today. To be today. It's the first step in taking control and creating the life you want. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.