If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, and you don't have a clue what the Let Them Theory is, no problem. I got you. There is no person left behind when it comes to the Mel Robbins podcast, because I know you're taking time for yourself to listen. And so I always take the time to make sure that we got you. And so let me tell you what the Let Them Theory is. The Let Them Theory is just this simple hack. And here it is. Whenever someone is doing something that you don't like, let them. Here's how it works. If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If there's a person that you're really attracted to, you've been dating for a while, but they're not interested in a commitment with you, let them. If your kids don't want to go to a movie this weekend, let them. If your parents don't want to come see you over the holidays this year? Let them. If your spouse jumps ahead in the series you've been watching together? You know how they do that? Let them. See, the next time you feel yourself getting annoyed or upset or spiraling out of control, Just say these two magic words, let them.

It's very straightforward. There are millions of uses for it. And here's the coolest part. It works every single time you use it. Because every single time you quietly say to yourself, let them. I don't know what it is, but there's something about that phrase. It has this just magical way of diffusing all the frustration, disappointment, all the upset that you feel. And here's Here's the thing. You're going to learn as I take calls from listeners that the Let Them Theory is not about letting people walk all over you or treat you like crap. That's not what this is about. It's the opposite. You will be more in control when you use it, and here's why. See, when you say Let Them, you stop giving your time and energy to other people into situations that you can't control. And you know what that allows you to do? It allows you to take your time and energy back and figure out what's going to work for you. Now, I've been using the let them theory for months, and I got to level with you about something. Before the let them theory, I cannot believe how much time and energy I had been wasting, allowing myself to get so frustrated by stupid things or how much energy I was burning through trying to control other people.

And trust me, you start using it, you're going to see. And I can't wait for you to experience it. It's truly insane. And I want to tell you the story about how I discovered this, particularly in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, and this is the very first time that you're hearing about this let them theory. And so I'm going to tell you quickly, the moment that I discovered this thing, and I need you to brace yourself, okay? Because this is such a stupid story. But I'm going to tell it to you because it really drives home this point that you and I waste so much time and energy trying to make the world match our expectations, and it's going to stop today. And you're doing the same thing in your relationships, and that's what's causing so many problems in your relationships. And so here's the story. So it was our son, Oakley's junior prom, and I was just getting all worked up about so many dumb things. I mean, from the moment we got to the party where you're supposed to take all the photos before prom, all I could think about was all of the things that I wanted to be happening that weren't happening.

I just got myself so You know how this happens in life, where you just think things should be going a certain way, and then you get annoyed that things aren't going a certain way, and then you start to try to control things or you're judgy about things? Well, that was me. So we walk into this pre-prom photo party. Holy cow, this is like a tongue twister. We Why don't you walk into this party, right? And I'm like, Why doesn't his date want a corsage? Why didn't all the parents dress up for this party? Why are the kids driving to the prom and not taking a bus to the prom? Why is it raining out right now? Why didn't our son bring an umbrella and get ready for the really, really big thing that got me all twisted up into a knot. Why are these kids going to a taco stand and not going to a fancy restaurant for dinner before prom? And that's when my daughter, Kendall, reached over and ever so gently grabbed my arm and said, Mom, it's Oakley's prom, not yours. If they want to go eat tacos in the pouring rain before prom, let them.

And when she said, Let them, I don't know what happened. It's as if she clobbered me with a magic wand. Let them. Let them get soaked. Let them eat tacos. And as I said those two words, Let them. It was wild. I felt the frustration, Leave my body. And here's the other thing I felt, and this is really important. I felt my focus shift. It shifted from controlling my son and from having an opinion about everything that was going on around me. And all of a sudden, I shifted back to myself. I mean, let them eat tacos. Who cares? Let them get soaked. Who cares? Mel, why not think about what you're going to have for dinner instead of getting all worked up about what they are. And here's what's crazy about this. Once I learned these two words, let them, I started repeating, let them every day in almost every situation to unhook myself. And the more I use the phrase to just let my emotions rise and fall in a stressful situation, the more I realized that, you know what? The things going on outside of me, they don't have to make their way inside of me.

And so here's the gist of the let them theory. You ready? The more you try to control something, the more out of control you feel. It's true. And the only way to feel in control in life is to focus on where your time and energy is going, to focus on you. I mean, this morning, the folks that pick up the garbage, they didn't come to our house, right? Let them. I mean, I don't need to take it personally like they broke up with me or ghosted me or they're so disrespectful. Let them forget to pick up garbage at our house. And now this is where the magic comes in. Now that I'm not taking it personally, I'm not offended, I can handle it effectively, right? I'm not going to handle it emotionally. I'm going to handle it effectively. Let them forget and let me pick up the phone and call them and say, Hey, guys, seems like you forgot. Could you swing by? And then I'm going to let them respond. See how easy this is? See how magical this is? You get what you want, and you Don't get emotional. Bada bing, bada boom.

And that brings me to our amazing conversation today. Because ever since sharing the Let Them Theory with you a few months ago, I have been under just a tidal wave of questions and comments about the let them theory. So today, you and I are going to answer them. And to do that, we're going to go to a studio in Los Angeles where I am taking calls and the phone lines are jammed. Let's go. Eva, welcome. You're on the Mel Robbins podcast.

Hi, Mel. I'm just excited to talk to you. I want to know if you can give me tips or advice on how I can get my husband on board with the theory. I think it would help him not have hang-up about what other people do or really think. I think sometimes he overthink like, Oh, people don't invite me to lunch or my coworkers or family. He feels excluded. I'm trying to figure out how to get him involved or adopt this theory for himself.

Yeah, it's a great question because the example that you used with your husband is one we can all relate to. You see other people going out, you're not invited, and then you start to spiral, and it become more painful because you start to tell yourself, Nobody likes me, and I must have done something wrong, and these people are jerks. And so it just builds and builds and builds. The thing is that the let them theory works because of a fundamental fact about relationships. That fundamental fact is You can't force anyone else to change or to do something. You can try. You can try with manipulation, with pushing, with pleading, with trying to be inspiring. But at the end of the day, somebody only does something because because they want to do something. Tell me more about why you're worried about your husband and the stress or the pain he's causing himself by being focused on other people's drama or what they're doing?

Sometimes I just feel like he's over-thinking it, and I tell him, I think you're thinking about it more than what they're You're thinking about them more than they are thinking about you or why you're not included.

Yeah. Tell me more, though, about- It's a constant conversation. It's stirring up his insecurity.

Exactly. I listen, and I'm okay with listening, but I just feel like we're not doing anything different. It's always the same thing or pattern With either colleagues or family members, that's always... I've noticed that's the theme. That conversation comes up. Sometimes we're just talking and then it'll pop up.

Well, this is very relatable because whether you're dealing with a husband who gets himself all worked up about what family is doing or work colleagues are doing or friends are doing, or you're dealing with a child who feels left out at school, or you're dealing with a friend who feels like somebody just broke up with them and it's never to work out for them, the stories that you tell yourself are way more painful than the actual thing that's happening. The danger here, and you're witnessing it happening, is your husband is now stuck in this pattern that people leave him out. He's stuck in this pattern of seeing all the places where he doesn't belong. And part of the reason why these patterns are so painful is you get stuck in the pattern and you don't realize you actually have the power to change this dynamic. And what you said earlier is also true, that he's thinking about it more than the people who are out to lunch because you know what? They're not thinking about him at all because they didn't invite him to lunch. And so the fact that your husband is wasting time and causing himself pain by constantly focusing on all the places where he hasn't been invited or the fact that his siblings are getting together and they didn't ask him and all this stuff, it just creates internal agita.

And so here's how you get someone else to consider something because you can't force him. You can't tie him down to the bed and put earphones on him and force him to listen to Mel Robbins. Even if you did that, he wouldn't absorb it, so it's not going to work. But you could say to him, I'm concerned about you. I'm concerned about you because I'm seeing this pattern where you're focused on all of the people and the places where you're not invited or you're not seen or you're not respected. And it's becoming a pattern. I don't want this for you. You're a much more powerful person. You deserve more in your life. I just listened to this podcast with this woman that has 10 million followers, and I think you'd get a lot out of this, Chick. I think this thing that she talks about called the let them theory, I think it might help you find your power and not get so pissed off about this petty, stupid stuff. If you appeal to his greater self, and if you appeal to the fact that you want more for him, that might inspire him to see more for himself and to listen to the episode.

That's how I would do it, and I would appeal to the pain he's feeling and the fact that you want more for him and that you realize you can't fix this for him. This is something he has to do for himself. But here's what you're going to do. You're going to send him this podcast from this cool chick that will really make him think about this. And second, the next time he talks about this again, you're just going to say, Let them, as a cue. And it's going to get really annoying because you're not going to engage in the conversation anymore. You're done with the conversation because the conversation is not changing anything. And so you're not going to engage with it with him. And that's what you're going to do because that's what you can control. And this is how the let them theory works. You are going to let your husband get upset about what his siblings are doing. You are going to say, let them to him after you've already provided the support of the podcast episode. And then you're going to let your husband be mad that you said, let them.

And then you're going to let him continue to bitch about what's going on because only your husband can fix this. And what I want to applaud you for is that you care so much about him that you want this because you can see how much pain it's causing him. And the fact is, if we all stopped complaining about what's not working or what other people are doing or not doing or including us in or not. If we stopped doing that, we would find a lot of free time to make plans with people that we want to hang out with. That's what's also available here. I want to thank you for asking that question because it is so relatable. I wish you and your husband the best of luck Thank you for shoving that episode at him and seeing if he'll take a listen to it. You not participating anymore and letting him sit in his misery, that's going to intensify the fire and might actually motivate him to do something about it. Thanks for calling. My parents have gone into a terrible financial crisis due to my father's gambling. You're not responsible for your father's gambling addiction, and you're not responsible for rescuing your mother from it.

They're grown-ass adults.

I grew up in a really abusive childhood, and it was my job to make sure that my mother was happy.